#i might edit it a tad but just like some grammar and sentence structure

[sharkieboi]

actually re: Neverafter but just re-read the rewrite I did of Little Red Riding Hood for my Fairy Tales class and i was a fucking genius for it

[anewenfartist]

Writing Critique for the ENF-Sports Contest

Writing Critique

The following are judge comments on the writing submissions (for people who wrote, and agreed they’d like to see the critique on their work from the judges). The critique isn’t meant to reveal what judge placed you in what spot. The comments and submissions will be in no particular order. Judges were not required to provide comments, but they were allowed to if they felt they wanted to share their thoughts with the contestants.

Even if it’s not your entry, I encourage any artists to look at this critique and consider it. Reading critique of someone else’s work could give you good insight what to do with your own art too!

If your stuff isn’t listed here, but you want it to be, let me know. I can edit your stuff in.

There is an exception to the writing comments. IGankMid did a great job of organizing their thoughts, but some tie into other critiques. Sorry if there were writers who didn’t want this public, but this one has to be posted as a whole. So everything from Gank will be here:

sta.sh/015aopok87ht

 princebuffoon.deviantart.com/a…

- The start's nervousness and build up is great with such nice little details and observations as she prepares. As it continues, it's clear word choice is definitely a strong suit of yours, fantastic vocabulary and ability to paint little moments. There are some grammatical errors here and there, though very few, and probably not as noticeable to a reader who isn't scouring it critically. The buildup continues to be great, my heart racing along with the stories character. I'm of course left wondering 'why' she entered of course, but that seems to be less and less important as you're so wrapped up in the events. A fantastic entry!

* * *  A creative and effective combination of the main contest themes. The story is well-paced, managing to keep things constantly moving while still fully explaining the premise, and held together by a view from Six’s internal narrative. A great entry!

kinkyquill.tumblr.com/post/160…

- The grandiose start with the competitors on stage made for a good scene set up. The variety of events and characters allowed for a couple of different angles to be covered.  This has the risk of some parts feeling a bit lacking in depth though. A bit of a more careful eye should also be considered for editing, some errors did seem to slip by. The characters seem a lot of fun, and it seems like a lot of stories could be told with them, as groups or even individually. Interesting risk with the ending, leaving it up to the reader.

 * * * This entry was very on-theme, good job! Since there were so many characters in a relatively short story, there wasn’t much time to get invested them all. I wasn’t previously familiar with any of the characters in the inter-narrative, but their personalities came across quickly through their actions and reactions. I didn’t expect the cliffhanger ending, but it won me over.

anonenffan.deviantart.com/art/…

- The start is a bit slow and stilted, but things pick up with the clever idea of a song from her past inspiring her. The character's personality I feel were well thought out, her want to win and do better fueling herself to push herself in other risky ways. The vocabulary at points feels redundant or too reused. You do a well enough job avoiding grammar and spelling errors. The ENF was on the light side as well at the start, but you do eventually pay off that risk with some true proper conflict and worry.

 * * * This story had one of the simpler settings, which allowed the character and plot to take center stage. The slow build of tension worked well, finishing strongly with an exciting conclusion. The details were well thought-out too, from “Run to Cure the Common Cold” to “Average Jill’s Gym.” Quality writing, as usual from Anon!

ldnnld.deviantart.com/art/Bare…

- A fierce rivalry of events with mischief abound is a good set up. The embarrassment aided upsets were a nice touch. Characters were a bit cliché and lacking much depth, but were still fun to see sabotaging each other. I feel some scenes could have used a bit more focus and descriptions, just to add a bit more zest. Still a fun little story with some classic pranks.

* * * This story had a nice symmetry to it. It was predictable, since you knew that one section would very likely build and reverse on the next, but I still found this structure aesthetically pleasant. The competitive spirit of both characters showed strongly, but I didn’t pick up much else about who they are. There were a few technical mistakes, but they didn’t get too much in the way of the story. (I’d suggest getting someone to proofread next time, though.) 

- ewong247.deviantart.com/art/Ka…

- I found the story to be fun, good use of determination to play to get her to stay so undressed. Your descriptions were good too. The biggest crippling issue with the story though is that you at times seem to really get the wrong word put into some sentences, sometimes to the point where I wasn't sure what it should be. The story would do well from a proof read where the lines are spoken out loud I believe.

 * * * This took a kernel of reality and expanded it into a whole story. Katelyn felt like a real character (although none of the background characters resonated with me particularly). There were a couple of typos (e.g. “ur was useless” instead of “it was useless”, “they naked fighterfeel” instead of I think “the naked fighter fell”?), but overall the story was still well-written.

www.asianfanfics.com/story/vie…

- I like the set up, and felt the girl's dynamic was cute. I think Eunjung gave in a bit quickly to give up her panties though, there could have been more time spent with that, to clarify it being such a big deal. Some of the dialogue feels a little stilted too. Pacing could be stronger as well I feel, but overall the story was fun. The romantic angle was also very sweet. Oh, no points were docked for this, but hosting your story on a site that won't censor it to non members is probably best in the future for contest entries. Don't want to make it tough on judges and readers to get to your content.

 * * * Definitely a cute concept. The sports and ENF are mostly confined to the first half of the story, with the second half being more romance. My main problem was that a lot of the characters’ actions felt somehow hollow to me, not really meshing with the personalities I was seeing in their words and reactions. It might have helped me follow along if the story spent more time to highlight their motivations for all these hijinks. The hijinks themselves were fun though, and the general story structure was solid.

divides.deviantart.com/art/Ane…

- Another entry with a very unique setting, taking full advantage of the openness of the contest! High stakes game that forces players to play along with ridiculous whims is definitely a great concept as well, and it's handled in as fun of a way as the fun that the princess and such seem to have with it. Only thing I feel the story lacked was getting to know a few of the characters better or focusing on some moments more. * * * A lovely take on alien Calvinball! There was a humorous undercurrent throughout the story, with plenty of cute moments from the protagonists. There were a bunch of characters, but each of their personalities came across clearly during the short story. Congrats on a fine ENF sports story!

tyvadi.deviantart.com/art/Goob…

- I would have to say this is one of the more original sports for the contest for sure. I loved the fascination of our main girl as she is so transfixed on her petrified schoolmate. A shame to see it end in such a "To Be Continued" but that's a shame because I do want to read more, and that's a sign of a good stoy for sure. Your grammar and spelling seem to be quite well done. Yet really, it doesn't feel criminally short and unfinished, so probably your greatest flaw.

* * *

This was definitely an unexpected and unique setting, compared to the other entries. Though this judge was completely unfamiliar with slime/petrification, they were integrated in a way that didn’t unduly distract from the main contest themes. The structure and details of the story were well-crafted, and it had plenty of sports and ENF elements.

rrrrrricossssssuave.deviantart…

- The setting of course stands out as pretty original, don't see many stories like this set in ancient Greece! There are few small tense errors or missed spellings, especially as the story goes on. The contrast of the many men around her, some so intimidating as our antagonist, is a strong contrast to our ENF star, which works I think for adding to her sticking out more. Very happy to see her win as well.* * *A very interesting entry! The setting and tone both match with a sort of “ancient legend” feel, which was a different take than most on the contest themes. It made for an effective story! The core structure was simple - a hero overcoming an obstacle - but it’s a classic one! The style made the story very immersive. (I didn’t notice any big English problems, except an occasional strange tense. E.g. “Clyo has never seen a more magnificent temple” was a sudden present tense.)

http://lunagold1.deviantart.com/art/Strip-Basketball-683619069?ga_submit_new=10%3A149619

- The story's biggest problem is that it's a tad straight forward. Events followed by events without much highlighting or focusing on any subjects. The overall premise is a great set up for a story. With a bit more polish and spice added, you'd have a great tale.

* * *

I could see this working well as a script for actors - it’s dialogue-focused and has the main beats for actions. I liked that there was a surprise ending. The spelling/grammar mistakes were somewhat distracting, so I’d really recommend getting a friend to help proofread.

 http://pokemorphomega.deviantart.com/art/contest-Stripshooting-680527642

- The sport is definitely a fun idea. Girls shooting and making other girl's clothes vanishing is fun. A few inconsistencies in terms of personalities and rules I felt. A few grammar mistakes like missing words cause a bit of a delay in understanding a sentence or two. The characterizations feel a bit forced and sudden without much build up too. The tonal difference between cute exposure and death is a bit stark as well.

* * *

The repeated character death really made this story hard to read for me. I had to read it at an emotional distance to get through it at all, which hampered any impact it could have had otherwise. I'm sure there's a target audience for this story, but at least for this judge, the casual killings got in the way of everything else.

 http://jawolfadultishart.deviantart.com/art/Melty-Times-at-the-Pool-Contest-Entry-682799317

It's interesting to know so clearly ahead of time what will happen. Suspense surely does build, wondering when disaster will finally strike. Really enjoying some of the attention to detail you give. Your vocabulary is definitely not a weak point either. There are few grammar hiccups I noticed as I went. Especially thought your description of the suit coming apart was pretty great. A very fun short tale overall.

* * *

A pretty simple ENF story, with a typical setup/reveal/aftermath structure. I couldn’t really get a feel for who Amanda was as a character, apart from a bit at the end when interacting with her friend. I liked the content of the two descriptive paragraphs: the one starting with “Her lungs burned” and the one starting with “The judge raises a hand.” However the first few words weren’t very representative of the paragraphs’ contents, so they would have been easy to accidentally skim over if I weren’t in contest-judging-read-every-word-mode. It might have helped to split them up into two or three paragraphs, to let the reader know which beats are important. (Erotica readers can be impatient, so you have to guide them!)

 http://disc.yourwebapps.com/discussion.cgi?disc=58894;article=58654;title=The%20ASN%20Story%20Board

You have some really good atmosphere to the story, that's for sure. Nice angle part way through as well with using commentary as an alternate way to narrate the story partway through to change it up for a bit. Good job capturing the excitement and action too. The main flaw I'd say is the story could have focused more on some ENF themes. So a bit of a miss with the theme since so many other types of emotions take over the story, and ENF was supposed to be a big deal of course.

* * *

- Cool world-building! Kate has a good character arc over the course of the story, which is the main strength of this entry. (I didn’t connect very much with Maria or the other background characters while reading, but maybe others did.) The sci-fi setting was a cool backdrop for a “dangerous racing” story.