#i might get this done before classes! thatd be great

[3am-cheerios]

front panels are over halfway done

[im-just-having-fun-karen]

✨Febuary Dances

Heya everybody! This is a Aoyama x reader! Basically UA has a dance and you and Aoyaoma bith want to wear dresses so you decide that both should! No one said you both couldnt wear dresses together! Also i dont his backstory so im making it up so please dont be mad or offended.- Author-san

Aoyama x reader

Gender neutral reader and nonbinary Yuuga Aoyama

Quirk: light dance, you can manipulate the light when you dance such as making it shine in certain places or making it burn someone, this can also cause you to glow when flustered or excited

Warnings: mentions of high heels and dancing

Begin!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Y/N PoV

"-there will also be a Febuary dance to celebrate all of your successes as coming this far in your training. It will be on Febuary 13th an begins at 7:30. I hope to see you all there" the class 1B teacher said. Febuary dance? Huh, sounds fun i guess... I began to think of who to take with me when the bell rang and everyone got up to leave and head to lunch. "Bonjour Y/N! Would you like to sit with me?" Aoyama asked as i stopped walking to let them catch up. "Huh? Sure!" i smiled with closed eyes before continuing to walk with Aoyama.

"So, you hear about the Febuary dance Y/N?" i looked up at Jiro with confusion for a moment, "huh? Oh! Haha yeah, not sure who im gonna bring though.." i said as glaced over at Aoyama who was currently talking with Midoriya at the other end of the table. "Really? Well I heard Kirishima was going with Bakugou so thats new!" Kirishima and Bakugo? "Really? Good for them! Im glad they finally decided to come out about their relationship!" i genuinely am happy they came out and that they're going together, i wish i had that confidence with Aoyama. I still remember when we were little and how they were so much less confident back then.

3rd person PoV

Two small kids one with short blond hair and the other with (your hair length and color), both just sitting on the young blonds bed talking. "Its flashy but its useless if i cant use it for more then a second" the young Yuuga said as their eyes began to fill with tears. "Then you'll just have to train more! That way eventually you'll be able to use it as long as you want!" a young Y/N spoke with such determination that it almost convinced the young Yuuga, "b-but I'll never be as strong as you! I'll never be a good hero!" young Yuuga shouted crying at this point, But of course our determined little Y/N wasnt having it. "Of course not with that attitude!" young Y/N spoke with determination as they stood above their best friend, "You cant give up without even trying! Would almight give up!? No! So why should you! We'll train together and both become great heros! No matter what happens we'll always stay together! I'll make sure you become a good hero!" the young Y/N spoke with so much power that Yuuga swore that day to be as confident as them..

Y/N PoV

"Y/N??? Yyyyyy/nnnn! (your full name)!" "eep!" i squeaked as i was suddenly supried out of my spaced out state. "What! What happened!?" i said as i looked around frantically. "Haha! Calm down! Nothings wrong you just spaced out is all" Jiro said as i calmed down and sighed. "So who are you gonna bring to the febuary dance?" "dude i already said i dont know yet." i said with a dead panned look sighing, "well how would you like to go dress-" "or tuxedo!" "yes, or tuxedo shopping with us?" Momo asked as Hagakure interrupted. "Sure, sounds fun."

(time skip because i still cant write you walking to places)

"So wich one do think looks better?" Mina asked me as she showed me two similiar pink dresses. "Hmm, the second one i guess"

I said as she smiled and went to go put the other back.

"Dont forget to get something yourself Y/N!"

I nodded and began to look around for a bit before finding one i really liked. It was long and a bit flowy, it was a beautiful golden yellow with yellow tinted clear fabric covering the legs and beautiful swirly accents, it was a bit open on the sides but it had orange accessories on the belly, legs and upper arms. It had an light orange bra like top with a yellow lace cover and soft yellow clear fabric. The sides, back, and middle front of the dress were a silky soft fabric with a yellow orange gradient. It had a golden orange neck peice like the ones female Egyptians used to wear along with one gold triangle earing on one of the ears.

"..woah.."

I said as i reached to touch it, the fabric was so soft.

"Find one you like y- woah! Thats stunning!"

Mina said as she was awwed by the dress

"I can get it for you Y/N"

Momo said as she walked over to us and smiled

"H-huh!? But its so exspenisive! I-"

She cut me off,

"Its fine Y/N! Really! I dont mind"

I stuttered an ok and she pat my head

"You should try it on Y/N! I wanna see how good you look in it!"

Mina said as she jumped,

"S-sure"

I stuttered as i grabbed the dress and left to the changing room, a bit later and i walked out in the dress staring at the ground.

"Well? How do i look?"

I heard a few gasps and suddenly i was hugged by Jiro, Mina and Ochako

"YOU LOOK AMAZING!!"

(Again i really need to learn this)

"Well we're here!"

I heard Mina shout as i got out of the car and began to walk to the doors with her and Jiro next to me. I walked over to the benches to sit and look for Yuuga, see they asked me to go with them about two days before the dance and right after i picked out my dress.

"Bonjour Y/N! You look absolutely stunning darling but if i knew we were both wearing dresses i might have said something!"

I hear them laugh as i turned around to look at them, they were wearing a wonderful dark blue dress with a light blue cover that had sky blue swirls and dots. It had a cream colored ribon tied into a rose with greyish blue outlines, neon blue dots on the bottom and white swirls on the chest piece, it had a blue neck piece with a small white rose keeping it together, they had black gloves and a beaded arm piece on one arm. It was flowy and long like mine but the bottom split to show their legs and black rose vine heels with blue roses.

"You look amazing Yuuga!"

I blushed as they laughed and saw that they were wearing soft yellow lipstick, i was wearing dark blue. We really fit together,

"Well thank you! Care to dance?"

They asked holding out their hand.

"Of course!"

I grabbed their hand and we went to the dance floor, i put my hand on their waist and they put their hand on my shoulder, our other hands locked together and we begun to move to the song.

I nearing the end of my fourth year

I feel like ive been lacking, crying to many tears

Everyone seemed to say it was so great

But did i miss out? Was it a huge mistake?

I spun them a bit and we moved faster

I cant help the fact i like to be alone

It might sound kinda sad, but thatd just what i seem to know

I tend to handle things usually by myself

And i cant ever seem to try and ask for help

We clapped and they spun me our movements faster, one foot after the other i danced with them

Im sitting here, crying in my prom dress

I'd be the prom queen if crying was a contest

Makeup is running down

We laughed a bit and contuined

Feelings are all around

We blushed as we looked at each others eyes

How did i get here? i need to know

I guess i maybe had a couple expectations

Thought id get to them

I begun to dance away from them without realizing, my quirk was activating nad the light followed a pattern around me as i danced

But no i didn't

I guess i thought that prom was gonna be fun

But now im sitting on the floor and all i wanna do is run

I realized what i was doing when i felt everyone staring at me, i looked around scared before seeing Yuuga looking at me wide eyed.

"....i-i im sorry!....."

I ran out of the building in fear, i cant believe i did that! I kept running until i made it back to my dorm, i knew it was a bad idea to go to the dance.

(a few hours later)

*Knock knock*

"Hello? Darling its me"

I heard Yuuga through my door

"Darling im coming in.."

I heard the door open and saw them close it behind them

"..hey.."

I mumbled a "hello"

"..Yknow i thought your dance was amazing darling."

I looked at them with shock,

"Really?"

They nodded

"I'd still like to finish our dance if you dont mind.."

"Here?"

They hummed a "no"

"Not here, somewhere special. C'mon get cleaned up and we can go"

"...alright...thank you"

They hummed a response and waited outside while i fixed my makeup and put my shoes back on.

"Alright, where are we going?"

"You'll see"

(Wow so many of these in one story like damn)

Thousands of colored lights shined below us, we were on a grassy cliff aith a few trees.

"....woah this is....amazing.."

I felt Yuuga hug grab my hands with theirs and turn me around to face them

"So, wanna dance?"

I nodded glowing a soft gold

One foot after the other we danced slowly and calmly, it was peaceful and quiet besides the hum of the city below us.

We stared into each others eyes, the soft glow of the lights below us illuminating our faces. Closer amd closer our lips touched and our eyes closed, it was soft and a bit longer then a peck but it was amazing. Softs gasps as our eyes and lips parted,

"I...love you"

They sighed a bit

"I love you too Y/N.."

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Done! I really hope you all enjoyed because it took me a week to finish this, again none of the art or music in this is mine, Yuuga Aoyama belings to Horikoshi. I tried hard to make this longer and im glad it came out with over 1,000 words! Its the longest one ive written so far! Im proud of myself and again i hope you all enjoyed, if you have any tips feel free to send them to me as im always open to criticism - Author-san

[glowstickhaloboy]

AU where jack is a librarian and bitty accidentally studies

jack loves books. bitty hates studying.

but bitty needs to try something, bc whatever hes doing now is not working, and finals are coming up, so he thinks maybe if he gets some silence and solitude things he needs to know will start sticking

so he goes to the library and lo and behold theres an adonis behind the counter with a pencil tucked behind his ear as he intently reads a biography on Joan of Arc. bitty hears his conscience speak to him in beyonces voice, telling him that this boy is his

but hes a nervous wreck now that he knows theres someone hot here so yeah hes definitely not getting any studying done

except the cute boy doesnt even look up, and bitty remembers that hes probably straight anyway because thats the way the universe likes to be, so he keeps his head down and makes his way to an empty table (but he chooses one that keeps the cute boy in sight, and he isnt sure if thats because he is a masochist or isnt one)

he does his best to vibe this guy, who only looks up from his book when someone comes to check out or ask for the bathroom key, and bitty decides that hes gotta play it cool. that boy likes knowledge, so bitty will have to pretend that he also likes knowledge and isnt absolutely boy crazy, so he opens his textbook and gets down to business, hoping that that cute boy will look over at least and notice how studious this southern young man is

and almost three hours passes where bitty actually studies. he looks at his phone and realizes what hes just tricked himself into doing. he checks back on the cute boy, who is looking at him holy hell it was only for a second and then he quickly looked at his book again and relax eric relax he was probably just zoned out and happened to be staring at your face but maybe he could also sense how good you are at making pies and is deciding whether or not your boyfriend material

its already been three hours, but bitty definitely cannot leave now that developments are taking place

but its only fifteen more minutes before someone else shows up and takes the cute boys place behind the desk. the cute boy walks into the back and comes back with a jacket slung over his shoulder. “see ya, chris,” he says, and bitty wonders if hes being loud enough for his voice to carry on purpose, and when cute boy leaves, bittles insides all start screaming and he wonders if hes being blessed or punished because that boy must do squats or something.

bitty plays it cool for another half hour after that, because he cant look like he was only here because that cute boy was, but hes really only on twitter now. then he packs up his bag and spends the entire walk back to his room thinking about the moment he glanced up and the cute boy glanced down.

and he comes back the next day. bittle may play the slow game, but he has to see where this is going. day one, a glance, and maybe if hes really lucky, by day two he might get a pleasant “good afternoon. welcome to the library.”

he doesnt. he walks right in and sits in the same spot as yesterday, and the cute boy is reading the same book, but bitty tries to keep his face controlled, because this time cute boy looked up as he came in, and unless bittle was reading too much into it, cute boy looked down again as though this wasnt supposed to mean anything, like that was what he wanted bitty to think, but secretly it did.

they continue like this for two weeks, and eric is blessed to discover that the cute boy works a four hour shift every single day. which means theres never a day bittle has to miss out on seeing his sculpted-by-the-gods face.

and then valentines day rolls around.

bitty wonders what in the world am i doing so often while he bakes on february 14th that he knows he has lost any semblance of self-control

he walks into the library thinking the exact same thing, and of course, theres the cute boy, who has moved on to reading an account of the cuban vie for independence from spain, and for the first time, bitty actually approaches the counter

“um, hi,” he says, slightly breathless from the cold, and the cute boy looks up and smiles and says “hi” back. bitty has to ignore his pounding heart and continue on with the words hes been rehearsing since he turned the oven on.

“so, ive been spending a lot of time in the library recently, and i bake a lot, and since today is valentines day, i thought it would be nice to make these cookies for everyone today, so would it be alright if i left these on the counter and people sort of just... helped themselves if they wanted one? i made a card to”

bitty reaches into the basket and holds up a card designed by his friend lardo that reads “happy valentines day! please take one (1)”

the cute boys smile widens, and he says, “yeah. wow, they look great!”

after all the work bitty put into making them, they damn well better. he hasnt worked this hard on a batch of cookies since he campaigned for ninth grade class president. still, he cant help but turn as pink as the frosting on them when the first thing this boy ever says to him is a compliment on his baking.

“its nothin’” says bitty, setting the basket down and stuffing his mittens into his pockets

the cute boy latches onto bittys damnable accent and asks with interest “where are you from?”

“oh, georgia”

“nice. im jack, im from montreal.” he sticks out his hand and bittys suddenly clams up with sweat. oh no this cant be a horrible first handshake, it needs to be warm and nice

bitty decides he has to keep the mitten on, though, because that could be considered cute, right? sweat definitely couldnt. “eric,” he says, and doesnt allow himself to think about the fact that hes just put a bright red mitten in an adonis’s hand. they both seem to be running out of charm, though, so bitty muddles through

“um, they might be a little frozen from the walk over, but they should be good in a few minutes,” he says, then scurries over to his table because two weeks is way too soon to start talking

he distracts himself with literature homework to try to forget what a darn fool he just made himself out to be, but he cant completely tune out the rustling coming from the front desk as jack makes a careful display out of bittles basket and card, even allowing it to block the laminated sign warning patrons the repercussions of keeping overdue books.

a few more students trickle in, and a couple of them go for the basket, and Professor Whitmond tromps in with his two grandkids, who leave covered in powder and sprinkles, but bitty exercises all of his willpower to block it out because he cant believe he did this

but he also wonders if jack is going to take a cookie. hes obsessed with the thought of it. he needs jack to eat one of those cookies and realize that bittle is not just a pretty face. bittles entire body is on high alert, praying for it.

and then it happens. jack reaches into the basket, pulls out a cookie, and takes a bite. bittle thinks, checkmate.

he notices jack glance over at him, and bittle is now confident enough that he chances a bright smile. those cookies are good. they would never have made it out of his kitchen if they werent his best.

jack points at the cookie, his expression one of utter astonishment, and mouths, these are amazing.

bitty raises an eyebrow. i know.

jack makes another expression of astonishment, then waves bitty to go back to his studying. bitty pretends to, but really, hes wondering if bringing in a batch of cookies every friday would be too much.

(he does it anyway)

fridays become the staple of his relationship with jack. bittle brings in a basket of cookies, jack says something that makes bittle wonder if hes flirting or teasing, and bittle feels satisfaction drop into his gut as jack helps himself to the first of the bunch. there has never been a day where every cookie is not eaten.

and then jack changes the schedule. bitty comes in on friday with his usual basket, and jack says, “Eric. I had a question.” and bittles heart starts thumping in its stupid, traitorous way, and jack continues, “About these cookies...” and bitty thinks, oh great, theyre too much, hes only been pretending to like them for my benefit, enough is enough, “Would you mind making me a batch to send to Montreal? My parents want to try them.”

and bittys mind goes completely blank. Something about the way Jack says it completely straight throws bitty off guard. Because, yeah, hes caught on to the fact that Jack can be a bit socially awkward, but this definitely takes the proverbial cake.

“Your parents?” asks Bittle. “How do they know about my cookies?”

“I told them,” says jack, as if its obvious. “We call every friday night, and I always talk about your cookies.”

Bitty’s mind hurriedly re-writes his knowledge of the past few weeks to include the fact that Jack From The Library Has Been Speaking To His Parents About His Cookies And Now Jack’s Parents (IN MONTREAL!) Want To Eat Them.

“So, would that be too weird?” asks Jack.

“Not at all!” says Bitty, laughing slightly because hes terrified. “I can bring some in tomorrow if youd like!”

Its only when Jack smiles that Bitty feels relieved, like hes successfully navigated a minefield correctly. “Thatd be great!” says Jack. “I’ll pay you, if you want, to cover the cost of the ingredients-”

Bitty waves him away. “That’s not necessary, Jack, I’d love to.”

he goes to his seat and cuts his study time in half because he cant stop freaking out about making baked goods for jacks parents, who have never met him, and need to decide within their first taste whether bittle has any worth in their sons life

hes up half the night, and it definitely shows on his face when he brings into the library the next day. all he wants to do is say get them out of my sight.

jack accepts them with a confused look on his face, thanks bittle as bittle marches to his table and begins spreading out his books

oh yeah, and bitty has been getting weirdly good grades since all this started?? it turns out that bi-weekly flirting is the perfect reward for someone who needs to study more. his test scores have gone up dramatically, and even his GPA has gotten a modest boost.

thats only the secondary goal here, though, his real goal has always been getting jack to notice him

for three days, including baking night, bittle sleeps horribly, angsting over what jacks parents - whoever they even are - will think of his cookies. on monday, he gets his answer

“Eric!” jack greets as bittle walks into the library. hes smiling wide. “ive been told to tell you that youre moving to montreal to become my parents’ personal dessert chef.”

relief smacks into bitty like a forty-pound fist. he feels slightly whoozy. “they liked them?” he repeats.

jack just stares at him. “Eric. Have you ever had one of your cookies before.”

“No, I mean, well, yes, obviously I have, but it’s just that I’m always worried whenever new people try them that they’ll hate them, and since baking is the only thing I’m really good at, it’s important to me that people, you know, like my stuff.”

“Eric,” Jack says, for what feels like the thousandth time. “Everything you make is incredible. And baking isn’t all you’re good at. You study like a champion.” He offers Eric a fist bump.

Eric takes it for what it is, a sign of friendship, as he belatedly registers that Jack just called his baking skills amazing. Even if the boy is straight, he knows how to play Eric like a fiddle. And Eric is just gone enough to let it happen.

spring weather is finally setting in, and bitty starts to think about just how many days hes spent in the library this year, all so he can gawk at a boy he doesnt have a chance with. all this time, and he couldve been actually out there looking for someone who will genuinely be with him and make him happy.

he stops going to the library on a tuesday. by friday, he feels bad because the people on campus have come to expect his cookies every week, and he owes it to them to keep their stomachs satisfied with finals approaching. he makes a batch, not knowing what hes going to say to jack, or if jack will even care that bitty has been out by the pond enjoying his afternoons with his friends instead of hanging out inside.

he walks in with his basket, and jack seems to look both relieved and slightly cross. “Eric,” he says, because thats all he ever says. “You haven’t been here.”

Bitty shrugs. “I made cookies,” he says, and offers Jack the basket.

Jack’s brow furrows. “Is something wrong?” he asks.

“No,” says Bitty, which, because he doesn’t know what on Earth he’s feeling, is almost the truth.

Somewhat stunned into silence, Jack accepts the basket Bitty offers him and watches Bitty leave again. Bitty walks until he’s out of sight of the library, then sits on the nearest bench and wipes his eyes. He’s being ridiculous. There was literally never even anything between him and Jack. It was all made up in Bitty’s head, a fabrication based on a few standard conversations and lies garnered by baked goods. Maybe Bitty is crying because he’s such a fool. Why did he waste so much time on a needless fantasy? What was wrong with him.

“Well,” he mumbles to himself, standing. “At least your grades went up.”

this is the part where he looks up, hoping that jack might have followed him and was now waiting, out of breath, to say something meaningful and restore all of bitty’s hopes. but the sidewalk is empty, and bitty is left exactly like normal--creating a version of jack that doesnt exist based on the picture he has in his head

he goes back at the end of the day, when he knows jack will be gone, to collect his cookie basket from the library. a boy named chris hands it to him. “yeah, thanks for bringing these in today!” says chris. “the guy i work with seemed kinda down, so i think he needed a pick me up. i mean, he said that theyre for the patrons, but i got him to eat one, and i could tell he even felt better afterwards. theyre super good! i mean, i always ate them, i didnt know jack didnt, but-”

“thanks,” said bitty. he thought that if he didnt interrupt, this young man would never have stopped talking. “er, thats sweet of you.”

so for three weeks, bitty only comes in on fridays to drop off cookies. he and jack dont say a lot to each other. but as bittys mood steadily improves, jacks mood steadily worsens.

im healing, bitty thinks as he walks in on the third friday. that wasnt healthy, eric, it was sensible to get out of that.

“hey jack,” he says happily, setting the basket of cookies on the counter. “special delivery.”

jack squints at him for a moment, with a smile that seems more like a grimace. “thanks,” is all he says. he says it in a very particular way. flat. thanks.

bitty’s brow furrows. he thinks about asking, but he grew up in the hospitable south, where the popular motto was let everyone get on with their own business or get cussed out for pryin’. “um. youre welcome.”

he almost walks out, then shouts screw it! in his mind and turns around. “are you mad or somethin’?”

jack looks up as though feigning ignorance. all the lines on his face look hard. he sighs. “no, eric. its nothing to worry about. thanks for the cookies.”

“because my mama used to teach me lessons in passive aggressive bullshit when i used her pan sheets without askin’.”

“its nothing. its me. have a good day.”

“only she never tried to brush me off when i wanted to talk to her about it.”

jack considers him. “you dont come into the library anymore,” he admitted. “im not mad at you, im just... grumpy.”

bitty has to fight hard to keep his heart bolted down. he misses his friend, he tells himself. do. not. read. into. it.

“Oh,” says Bitty. “I, um. I didn’t mean to make you upset. Er. Have you been reading anything good recently?”

jack defrosts a little and they have a nice conversation about the true crime novel jacks gotten into. bitty feels a little bad for ghosting him, and maybe he misjudged things a little by saying there was nothing there, because hey certainly got along well, but he wasnt naive enough to think there was any use kidding himself about something romantic.

by the end of it, jacks laughing, and eric finds it in himself to giggle along too, and it feels like a nice resolution. maybe you cant have it all, eric thinks, but you can have this.

he bids jack goodbye, feeling better about the whole mess, glad that he said something.

at the end of the day, chris returns bittys basket, and bitty cant help but ask how jack was today. all chris says is, “Glowing.”

For the first time, bitty and jack run into each other outside the library. theyre at the campus coffee shop, perhaps both gearing up for finals week, and jack is leaving just as bitty is entering.

“Eric,” says Jack, genuinely smiling. Bitty’s smile is also completely real.

“Jack.”

“It’s weird, but it just kind of clicked for me that you’re a real person,” says Jack, then makes a soft face of pain. “I mean, obviously you’re a real person, but I’d only ever seen you at the library before. Now that we’re somewhere else-”

“I get it,” bitty assures him. “Are you working there next year, too?”

Jack shrugs. “Who knows? I’d like to, but someone with work-study might take my place. I’m always getting yelled at for reading when I should be re-shelving books. And I get cookie dust all over the counter on Fridays.”

Blushing, Eric says, “That is entirely your fault and no one else is responsible for that.”

“Not at all.” He’s still smiling, which Bitty thinks is ridiculous. “Are you doing anything right now?”

Bitty gestures to the line ahead of him. “Buying coffee,” he says.

“Anything else?” Jack clarifies. Bitty shakes his head. “I’ll wait with you. We can sit down and drink it together.”

He has to know what he’s doing, Bitty thinks. Once again, blind hope fills his chest and Bitty says, “Sure. That’d be nice.”

by the time their cups are drained, theyre too deep in conversation to move. when a pause comes, however, jack clears his throat. “Um. Actually. Eric. I, um, just wanted to clarify something, because I think I didn’t before.”

Bitty sighs dramatically. “I knew it. You’re using me because your parents want more cookies.”

Jack’s laugh is music for Bitty’s soul. “They seriously have not stopped asking about you since I sent those cookies. I didn’t know what to say to them when you stopped coming to the library.”

Bitty turns a little quieter. “Sorry about that,” he says. not because he feels sorry for not going, but because hes sorry that jack was hurt because of it.

“It’s okay, Eric, really,” Jack says, and hes so earnest that bitty believes he means it. “Anyway, what I wanted to say was, I think I didn’t clarify that when I asked you to sit down. You know. With our coffees. I sort of intended that to be. You know. Asking you out for coffee. Because I think you’re great.”

Bitty’s heart starts beating triple-time. His eyes turn to saucer plates. “This entire time, I was trying so hard to convince myself that you would never be into me!” he all but shouts. “I couldn’t deal with having a crush on a straight boy so I avoided the library like the plague.”

Jack blinks. “I never told you I was straight, Eric.” It’s not a reprimand, but it also totally is. Bitty puts his head in his hands.

“I thought I was being a fool for one thing,” he says, “but I was being a fool for something else entirely. I am so sorry, Jack.”

“You could make it up to me by letting me buy your coffee next time.”

Eric peeks at him through the gaps in his fingers. “Don’t try to fool me into thinking you’re smooth, Mr. Zimmermann. I know you too well.”

[kathryncalls]

springboarding out of the friend zone

Yes, terrible title I know, but theres something I need to type out, something I need to air. Now I write this, it’s so horrendously typical but I’m still typing so lets see whether I can answer my own questions by writing it out. I feel like everyone else on the internet writes stuff that no one ever reads and it helps, so now its my turn.

I am so confused but so happy but so worried about getting my hopes up. Earlier I said that I’m so excited that I’m almost scared, and I know it’s because it’s too good to be true! You’re you and I still don’t know what that means. But you’ve been this ideal thing that I’ve always pushed aside in my mind, wanted to text because I just love speaking to you but have forced myself not to because we’re too good friends. Never in my life have I suppressed feelings because I genuinely couldn’t lose someone. If this weekend would never have happened then I don’t think I would’ve ever said anything. I know I’ve said 100 times that I don’t like her, but at the end of the day, if she was making you happy then I’m ok with that. It made me happy to hear you say that you were cutting the strings with her, I feel like you really do want me, which is so cool, honestly, it’s so surreal, and it’s stupid to say it’s surreal because surely surreal is going into freaking space, I don’t know it feels stupid to call it that either way. You told me how attractive you found me last night, which was adorable, I like that side of you, and I want to see more of it, but I’m still finding it weird. I want you be with you so much, and its something that Ive known would make me happy for a long time but it’s truly something that I’ve suppressed for years which feels weird to say, but I think that’s why I’m finding it weird to call you something less personal and stuff like that, and also to tell you how attractive I find you and what exactly I love about you. Ok, another thing, this is weird because at this point, we should be finding out about each other and getting to know one another, not telling you what I love about you, but because I’ve classed you as my friend for at least 18 months, I feel like we’ve jumped ahead 3 months… Its weird, I want you to take me on a date, but I don’t because its you, its us, but our first date would be so funny, so much fun, you make me laugh, you bring out the worst in me and your bring out the best, you make me happy to be me which is quite something. With him I felt like I was being someone that I was telling myself I wanted to be a little bit. He didn’t treat me like I wanted to be, but I held on and Im not sure why to be honest. I like to be treated like a princess, lets not lie, but I don’t like to be pandered too, I like to be strong in myself, I don’t want to be a house wife (that wasn’t a proposal, hypothetically) but at the same time, I want to cook you a nice meal for when you finish work, or iron your uniform whilst youre in the shower so you don’t have too. Im not a chocolates and flowers girl, Im a leave a note somewhere kind of girl, send me something that reminds me of us. I like to be a real unit with whoever I dedicate myself too, and I really do, when I dedicate myself to someone, now I know that you don’t do clingy, and I might end up coming across that way, its linked to the whole, me sounding pessimistic thing. I’m really really not feeling negative about any of this. I just do not want to screw it up, I can’t, for so many reasons! I can’t lose you as a friend regardless of what happens romantically between so I need to be careful how I tread here because I’m not prepared to lose you. See as I write that and think about it, maybe this is a bad idea because youre not as worried about our friendship as I am, you don’t seem to have these worries which could be such a bad sign, but at the same time, maybe its because you know exactly what you want? Another thing, you’ve told me multiple times that you’ve cheated before, never anything too serious but still, I cant cope with anyone doing that to me, let alone you, how am I supposed to maintain a friendship post breakup if you do that to me, I almost don’t want to give you the chance too…

Another thing. Distance. Realistically, we’ve both done long distance, and you say that the reason you cheated on her was because she wasn’t right, but you didn’t know that to start with, but now youre so sure, which is amazing, and I love that you think I’m right and that this is right, I agree so much, but again, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. ah shit I hate this feeling. And I keep having this argument with myself about whether its perfect or awful timing so here, pros and cons.

Great timing: You’re about to come home from spending 18 months in Spain, you’re not gonna be living at home, you’re probably going to be in London, you’ve got a job, you’re basically set

Awful timing: youre about to start your career, I’m about to move away from London, I’m about to go back into training, you might be miles away from London, our timetables might not match up

If you haven’t already got the jist, I am not letting this end sourly.

ah shit.

Anyway, finally, why I think you’re great: very intelligent, mature but immature, sociable, lovable, loved by mother, confident, amazing sense of humour, understands my love for the arts, cheeky, emotional, genuine, incredible gentleman and so so sexy, I don’t care how cringe it is, no ones gonna read this

we’re apart for valentines day too, which is weird because thatd be a great first date for us.. so do I send a card as a cute little joke, a serious card, or do I not even mention it? You know how much I want you to make all the first moves, I want to be asked out on date, I wanted to be kissed first, I want to be told I’m loved first ( a long way down the line)

Basically I just want to be excited about this and not have a million reasons why we cant do this cross my mind

we can do this,

no one is stopping us

theres no one to look over our shoulders when its just us, we live in the same town so visiting family together and Christmas wouldn’t be an issue

ahh stop taking everything so seriously, I try and run before I can walk, I think that’s where all the making the first move thing comes from, I don’t know

right now the best thing I could think to be doing is just isolating ourselves, running off to a city somewhere and submerging ourselves, without people watching, like you said, without people wondering why we look so happy, why I laugh at everything you say, why we lock eyes and pause for a little too long, (that’s another thing, when we went for lunch that time at Christmas, we kept locking eyes for just a few seconds too long, and please, I put a fucking dress on for you, you wore a suit, could’ve been taken as signs but I genuinely think we both, well I know for me this is the case, but I reckon we’ve deeply suppressed stuff for so long)

Ok ok, you wanna know when it really hit me that I wanted you for real… when you told me about A. Honestly. You’ve always been the one I’ve thought about when I felt shit in a relationship or when I’m alone, I mean please, ask K, he was sick of hearing about you no doubt, but I did love being with K before things got really hard, but that night when you told me about A in the pub, you know me so well, that ive no idea how you didn’t literally hear my heart sink. but again, supressed to and opted for ‘tell me more’.

I wish I could talk to you about all this, but its been a week since we kissed, that’s all, and 2 weeks ago you wanted to be single for a few years and now you want to be with me, easy for you to say when youre alone in a room in spain, homesick, will you say that when you move in with the boys and meet all the air hostesses, why the fuck do I think I can trust you? do I really think I can change you? like really? I want to think that youll dedicate yourself to me but I CANT LOSE YOU, I hope you understand how much this is paining me

you really don’t know this side of me, ive kept it from you on purpose

if I lose you I have no one

look who I turned too when I split up with H, and again with J and with K. you.

Who do I turn to when its you I split up with? Also, a huge part of my just wants a nice house out of the city where we can live together, with a puppy just us, but that's in the future...

Just come home Ben

(if anyone is still reading this, please, do share your thoughts - a very confused 20yo)