#i might talk to my stepmum the next time i see her to see how she started her midwifery course

[elibeeline]

Its uni season and im once again debating online courses i cannot afford

[soullikethesea]

TW: suicide, death, family

I was thinking a bit more about what I wrote the other day, about how suicidal thoughts could have been modelled to me. I remembered one more thing, which is that when I was being bullied at the end of primary school, there was a kid (or maybe several?) who used to tell me to go kill myself. One would try to "help" me by telling me how to do it. He also wrote on my table that I should go through with it.

I remember that it felt vulnerable. Especially because I actually *was* suicidal by that time. So it felt perplexing to have someone talk to that secret side of things, and to actually encourage it. In some way I probably kind of wanted that - maybe someone else wanted the pain for me to stop as well. But obviously a bully wasn't thinking like that. That was just my hopeful interpretation (hoping someone cared).

I've also been trying to think of the good things lately. Somehow that is even harder than thinking back to the past. The holiday was taxing, but it went well. And yet I still feel that same social anxiety at work, isn't that wild? It certainly sucks. I do feel like the apology from the dog owner actually got to me. I felt it in my heart. She also mentioned how it is strange that even when a dog dies, it can still feel so close to you every day. When she mentioned it, I realized that I do think of that dog still almost every day. I imagine her to be close to me when I go for walks. She was so sweet and funny. The owner cried while she said that. And it means a lot that she apologized.

Tomorrow I'm going to see family and I'm freaking out about it. I don't think freaking out is necessary, but it really feels like something might come up out of nowhere. My dad offered to buy me an electric toothbrush and I politely declined - maybe that will come back to bite me, for example. (I can almost never understand my dad's and stepmum's reasoning. In this case I could imagine that they would interpret it as ungrateful or something?). I try to remember that they are getting less and less important, while the importance (and power) of my siblings and I increases. They are no longer central to everything - we and the next generation are. Nevertheless, I'm still scared about going & about how taxing it might be.

[seanfalco]

The Going Away Party | Misfits Timeline Anomaly’verse

an oc x oc collaboration between @seanfalco & @super-unpredictable98​

Word Count: 5k Warnings: Smut, Jealousy a/n: The quad’s last night in London before starting a new chapter in their lives.

[ masterlist ]

“Okay, so... is that everythin’?” Win’s Nathan asked, trying to peer over Lyddie’s shoulder at the list in her hand.

"I think so, it's not like it's gonna be a ton of people, the flat can’t really fit more ten people sitting down, fifteen, if they’re standing up..." Lydia murmured, checking the list once again, her people-pleasing reflexes kicking in trying to remember what each of their guests liked. 

"Good thing Natty told us, I'm so happy to help you guys," she mused, following Win's Nathan while texting Win to say they would be home soon.  "I'll miss the Estate. I know we're not going forever, but it feels weird... I've been living here my whole life.

“Yeah, I hear yeh, but it’ll be a nice change of scenery,” Win’s Nathan exclaimed, pushing the trolley for her.  “I’m excited for yeh to perform,” he said, flashing her a grin.

"Me too, I think I'm kinda numb at this point, if I actually access my feelings, I might faint," Lydia laughed as she put the groceries on the conveyor.  "Do you think that's enough beer?  Should I get more?" she mused at the four cases in front of them.

“We can tell people t’bring their own too,” Win’s Nathan’s laughed.  “Oh.... shite,” he breathed, quickly ducking down behind Lydia.

"What?" she almost instinctively made a force field around them, but thankfully she held back — that would've been hard to explain.  "Is it someone that tried to kill us?" she asked, looking around.

“No, even worse!” Nathan hissed, the checkout girl giving them a strange look.  “That’s Win’s evil stepmum.  The queen bitch, herself!” he exclaimed, gesturing toward the blonde woman nearby, who bore a rather striking resemblance to her daughter, Delilah.

"Ah, who cares, I'm not scared of her... If she tries me, her and her daughter will have matching scars," Lydia said, bagging the groceries with a chuckle.  "Nothing can ruin my mood today, not even the queen bitch supreme."

“Yeah, y’say that now...” Nathan mumbled, eyeing her warily.  She hadn’t seemed to see them... yet, but with the determined way Lydia was moving, it wouldn’t be long til she noticed them, having just gotten all her bagged groceries back into her own trolley.

"What is she gonna do?  Call the manager and say 'the girl with blue hair assaulted my daughter'?  The worst she can do is bore me to death, you shouldn't be scared of a gold-digging slag with ego problems, you're basically a superhero," Lydia pointed out, turning to kiss him before loading the groceries into the car Simon managed to borrow from their parents.

Win’s Nathan spluttered, but accepted Lyddie’s kiss.  “I guess,” he muttered.  “I don’t always feel like a superhero though.”  As soon as the words would out of his mouth he swallowed thickly, Win’s stepmum having clearly spotted him, her head swiveling his way and suddenly her trolley was changing directions.  He couldn’t see her eyes behind the dark sunglasses she wore, but he swore she was glaring bloody murder at him. 

“You!” she cried, running her trolley right into his shin as he yelped in pain.  “You and you!” she amended, venom dripping from her voice as she turned her glare on Lydia.  “You’re the miscreants that got my Delilah sent to the hospital!” she cried. 

“Oh hi, Karen,” Nathan drawled, “So y’remember me?  I’m flattered!”

"Hey, Karen... name suits you," Lydia added under her breath.  She was probably the only one able to understand the joke from the future, but she didn't care.  "I didn't do anything, Delilah's mouth sent her to the hospital, it wasn't me... and if you touch my boyfriend again you'll see who goes to the hospital next," Lydia growled.  She tried to be civil, but seeing her run into Nathan like that was too much. 

"You okay, sweetie?" she cooed, running her fingers through his curls as he nursed his bruised shin.

“Oh please, he’s fine!” Karen snapped, giving Nathan a disdainful look as he pouted, rubbing at his shin.  “I want you to tell my ungrateful slag of a stepdaughter not to contact us again.  Her father was willing to overlook her past transgressions, which is more than she deserved, honestly, but no longer.  He wishes to have nothing further to do with her and it’s about time.”

"I'll really appreciate if you wash your fucking mouth before talking about my girlfriend," Lydia snapped back, flashing her a hollow grin before taking Nathan's hand to avoid slapping the woman.  "Maybe watch what your own daughter is doing in her spare time.  You know, besides committing crimes, terrorizing children... but it'll be my pleasure, I'll tell Win that her shitty family is finally leaving her alone, she'll be enthused!"

Nathan let Lydia pull him away.  He knew, though, that she was bluffing.  She wouldn’t tell Win what Karen had said, it would hurt Win too much.  She’d always held out hope that her dad might finally come to his senses and try to make up for everything, to be the dad she needed him to be, and anger bubbled up inside him. 

“But what about me?” he called, catching Karen’s attention once more.  “Am I still allowed t’call?  I mean, how else are we supposed to continue our illicit affair, Karen?  You were the best cougar I’ve ever had!  I thought what he had meant somethin’!  And now you’re just throwin’ me away like a old rag?” he cried dramatically, drawing more onlookers’ attention and causing a scene, Karen’s mouth falling open.

"Oh my God!  You're saying that you're cheating on me with this crusty old cunt?" Lydia cried, dramatically falling to her knees, crocodile tears running down her face.  "Tell me now!  She's the one who gave you crabs wasn't she?  WASN'T SHE?” she sobbed, turning next to Win’s stepmum.  

“You homewrecker, I’m pregnant with his child and you stab me in the back, stealing my boyfriend, Karen?  You'll pay for what you did, you monster!"  Lydia knew that would probably end up somewhere in some tabloid, but Karen's expression was absolutely priceless, totally worth the damage control afterwards.

Snickering, Nathan pulled Lyddie to her feet and jumped into the car, leaving Karen gaping after them as people stared and muttered behind their hands. 

“Oh my God, that was priceless!” he laughed. “Lyddie, you were amazing!  Absolute perfection!”

 He knew it wouldn’t be enough to make up for the fact that Win’s dad was finally cutting her off for good, but it had felt good to humiliate Karen one last time.

"Thanks... I gotta practice for my big Broadway debut," Lydia laughed, taking Win's Nathan's face in her hands and kissing him lovingly.  "Once we get home, Winnie can borrow my power and get rid of that bruise — speaking of that!  I don't know what to say to her, she's gonna be devastated; I wanted tonight to be perfect for her."

“Maybe... we shouldn’t tell her?” Nathan ventured hesitantly.  He didn’t want her to be upset either and he had a feeling hearing about this would completely ruin her night.

"Yeah, maybe it's best, at least for now..." Lydia agreed.  "Maybe in New York, if I were to receive bad news, I'd rather be on top of the Empire State than a flat in Wertham."

——

“Jeeze what’s taking them so long,” Win muttered, checking her phone.  She and Lyddie’s Nathan were on decoration duty while Lyddie and her Nathan had gone to the supermarket to grab the food.  Smart idea, Win thought ruefully.  Though Lydia had been teaching her some things, she still struggled in the kitchen and didn’t want to ruin the party with her subpar cooking skills.

With Nathan’s powers and Win borrowing them, it had taken them almost no time at all to decorate the flat for the party.  

"They're shaggin', they have t'be!" Lyddie's Nathan groaned, throwing himself down to the couch.  "It's almost time for the party and they’re shaggin' in her mum's car!"

“Maybe they just got held up,” Win murmured, sitting down next to him on the edge and running her fingers through his hair.  “I’m sure they’ll be back soon.”

"Hey, loves!" Lydia exclaimed, shouldering open the door while carrying two huge paper bags under her arms.  "Sorry we took so long, the line was crazy..." 

"The line, uh huh..." her Natha teased, getting up to help.  "Let's pretend I believe you."

“Oh sure, like you weren’t gettin’ frisky with Win while you were waitin’ for us,” Win’s Nathan teased, carrying the beer in.

"How dare you!  We did no such thing!" Lyddie's Nathan gasped.  "We've been workin'..." 

"I wish we had time for that," Lydia mused, looking over at Win's Nathan, he was really sexy dealing with the whole Karen thing earlier.  "But looks like I'll have to wait until after the party, the guests will be here any second."

“Why didn’t we do that?” Win teased, following Lyddie’s Nathan into the kitchen to help unload the food.

"Cause I'm nervous..." he admitted, it was a little scary, every time he remembered he was moving across the world, he felt slightly sick to his stomach.  "But after the party I'll take care o'that," he pushed that fear aside and smiled.

“Aw, Nats,” Win murmured, wrapping her arms around him, momentarily surprised at his moment of vulnerability.  “I’m nervous too,” she whispered.  “But the important thing is we’ll all be together.”

Since the flat was so tiny, they only invited a few people — their closest friends, but Lydia was still freaking out.  Being anxious about being a good host, on top of leaving for New York the next day, on top of the unpleasant (to say the least) encounter from earlier made her run and hide in the bedroom for a moment, not sure if she was doing everything right.

“Hey Lyds, you alright?” Win asked, pushing the door open a hair, having noticed her hurry out of the room.

"I-I don't know... I think I'm having a little bit of a panic attack, but I'll be fine," Lydia assured her, kissing the back of Win's hands.  "Don't worry, baby, go have fun, I'll be right there."

“Are you sure?  I really don’t mind if you want me to keep you company,” Win insisted.

"Maybe just for a second..." Lydia admitted, curling up against Win, trying to breathe properly.  "I love you, Winnie. You’re amazing, you know that?  If anyone ever says you're not, the problem's with them," she insisted heatedly.

“Oh Lyddie, I love you too,” Win murmured, holding her girlfriend while rubbing soothing circles against her back.  “Did someone say I’m not amazing?” she asked with a laugh.

"I just wanted you to know, that's all," Lydia mumbled.  "You're the best girlfriend I could ask for, and I don't ever wanna be without you."  She said, looking up and placing a gentle kiss to Win's lips.

“Oh babe, you’re so sweet,” Win murmured, kissing her back as she caressed her cheek.  “I don’t ever wanna be without you either, Lyddie.”  She could hear the Nathans’ raucous laughter from the other room and was glad they were out there entertaining.  “Everything’s gunna be alright,” Win assured Lydia.  “Like I told Nathan... the most important part is we’ll all be together.”

"Yeah, that's all that matters..." Lydia agreed, getting up.  Before opening the door, she hesitated, looking in the mirror to make sure everything was in place.  "Let's do this." 

"Hey, are you okay, Lyds?" Simon asked, pulling her to the corner as soon as he noticed her coming out of the room. 

"Yeah yeah, don't worry, I was just a little scared, but I feel better now," she smiled.

Win gave Lyddie’s hand a squeeze before Simon pulled her off to the side to talk to her and she waded into the small sea of bodies, looking for a tall curly head.  

“Hey! There yeh are, Winnie,” her Nathan exclaimed, his twin not too far off.  “Where were ya?” 

“I was talking to Lyddie, she got a little overwhelmed, but I think she’s okay now,” she murmured, looking around at all their friends.  Most of them seemed to know her somehow, more like a faint memory, and though it made her a little sad to think about, it was bearable.  At least they knew her at all.

Lydia tried to forget all the foggy thoughts getting in the way and tried to have fun.  The Nathans worked really hard on planning the party, she didn't want to upset them by not enjoying it.  Grabbing a beer, she sat down with the rest of the gang and her partners.  Everyone seemed happy, chatting about anything and everything. 

"So, what are you guys talking about?"

"Not much, just gushing about you," Win answered, leaning into her side as she joined them, resting her head against her shoulder for a moment.

"About me?" Lydia blushed, laughing as she imagined what they could be saying. 

"Yeah, we were talkin' about your sexual prowess with three lovers," her Nathan mocked. 

"Nathan, Jesus Christ..." Simon shook his head with a wince.  "How many times have I told you not to do that?  I don't wanna know!"

"Actually we were talking about the musical, and how excited we are to be spending time in New York again," Win cut in, giving Simon an apologetic grin.

"It feels so odd to think about it, it's like a dream, I'm really excited, you know even in the future there has never been a female Lonny in Rock of Ages, I have no idea how this happened!"  Lydia was always so excited to talk about the musical.  She knew she’d never be able to repay them for getting her to audition.  "Of course, everyone's coming to the City to watch me when the night comes... I need everyone there," she insisted.

"Of course!" Alisha exclaimed excitedly, grabbing onto Simon's arm. 

"Don't worry, we'll make sure everyone's there, Lollipop," Win's Nathan assured her with a grin, his hand resting on her thigh. 

"Win? Hey, Win!"  A voice through the crowd drew her attention and she looked up to see her bandmate, Max making his way over.  She'd been a little surprised that the Nathans' had thought to invite him, but she was glad to see him.

"Max, hey!" she exclaimed, getting up from the couch to greet him with a hug.

"Who's that?" Lydia whispered to her Nathan, feeling just the tiniest hint of jealousy, not that she would ever admit it... 

"That's Max, th’other Nathan had the idea to invite him," he explained.  

Lydia watched that with an indecipherable expression.  She didn't really understand why she felt so off. 

"You alright?" Kelly asked, following Lydia's eyes. 

"Yeah, sure," she answered distractedly, getting up to introduce herself.  "Hey there."

"Hey!" Win exclaimed.  "Oh, that's right, you guys have never been introduced before," she remembered.  "Lyds, this is my bandmate Max.  Max, this is my lovely girlfriend, Lydia," she said, wearing a bright smile.

"Nice to meet you," Lydia murmured,  shaking his hand.  "Make yourself at home, get a drink, a snack... I think I remember seeing you at the music festival that Winnie and I played at together, is that right?" she asked, taking her seat with a smile that made Simon and Lyddie's Nathan exchange a look. 

“What's wrong with her?” Simon mouthed while Nathan shrugged, but he was wondering the same thing.

Win frowned as Lydia hurried away again before even really waiting for Max's response, but she couldn't exactly ask her about it right then. 

"Hey, Win, d'you think we could go somewhere quieter?” Max asked, interrupting her thoughts.  “There’s, uhh... there's something I need to talk to you about.” 

"Uh, yeah, sure..." Win said awkwardly, looking around for a quiet spot.  She didn’t exactly like the sound of that.

"I don't like him," Lydia announced suddenly, bouncing her leg nervously as she sat back down. "Not one bit..." 

"Aww, is someone jealous?" her Nathan teased, poking her playfully. 

"So what if I am?" she demanded, folding her arms. 

"I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, Peanut..." Simon took her hand. 

"Yeah, the Nathans should be jealous, but you're much hotter than that guy," Alisha assured her with a grin. 

"I feel like I should be offended, but I don't exactly understand why," Lyddie's Nathan muttered with a twist of his lips.

"Don't worry, Lollipop, I may have been a little jealous of the guy back in th'day, but he's good people.  Surprisingly," Win's Nathan exclaimed. 

"C'mon, we can talk on the balcony," Win suggested, opening the sliding door and ushering Max outside.  "So, what did you wanna talk about, Max?" 

"It's actually somethin' I've been wanting to tell you for a while, and when I heard you were leaving to go to the States... well, I couldn't put off telling you any longer.”

Oh no, Win thought with a grimace.  This can’t be good.

“Winrey, I'm in love with you," Max blurted out, taking her hand. 

"What?" Win exclaimed in response, nearly ripping her hand from his.

"I've been in love with you for years, don't you remember that night we spent together once? Didn't that mean something to you?"

"Being 'good people' doesn't stop him from hitting on our girlfriend..." Lydia huffed. "Did you see the way he looked at her?  I'm telling you, I have an eye for these things." 

"Win has three partners, I think that's more than enough," Kelly laughed. 

"Wow, Lollipop, haven't seen you like this ever since Ruth..." Lyddie's Nathan taunted. "Remember?" 

"Yeah, granny fucker, very funny!" Lydia replied, shifting slightly closer to the balcony to hear their conversation.

"Max, what the fuck are you talking about?" Win exclaimed.  “I never slept with you!”

“I know we were pretty drunk that night, but you have to remember.”

“Oh my God,” Win groaned.  It must have been the other her, the one originally from this timeline before she showed up.

"I'm already in a relationship.  Please don't do this, Max," she begged, saying anything to get him to back off. 

"Do what?  C'mon Win, I know you feel something for me too." 

"Max, I—" Win sighed, unsure what else to say.  This was not the conversation she wanted to be having right now, or ever to be honest.  Max was her best friend outside of the ASBO group, and she didn't want to lose him, but there was no way she was gunna jeopardize her relationship for him, for something she didn’t do.  

"Just, please Win—" Before she could react he leaned in to kiss her.

In a flurry of events the sliding door suddenly flew open and Lydia’s angry voice echoed over the Estate.  "BACK THE FUCK OFF MY GIRLFRIEND" she cried, fuming.  

The two Nathans looked at each other surprised, Lyddie wouldn't act like that without a reason... she must've heard or seen something they didn’t. 

"You come to my flat, in the middle of my party, and you try to kiss my fucking girlfriend?  What the fuck, man?" she shouted angrily.  The rest of the gang was taken back, Simon’s eyes widening — it had been a long time since he'd seen his sister that angry. 

Turns out she did have a good eye for that stuff. 

"Get the fuck out!" Lydia snapped, pointing at the door.  "I've had a pretty hard day, I don't need this shit.  Take the hint and leave."

"But, Win, please?" Max stuttered, hesitating. 

"Max, I'm sorry, but you need t'leave," Win said, giving him a pointed look.  For a moment she didn't think he was going to, but finally he stormed out and Win slumped into the nearest chair, hiding her face in her hands.

"Very well done, Nathan, brilliant!" Lydia snapped at both of them, thought they couldn't have possibly known this was going to happen. "Very memorable last night in England!" she cried, throwing her hands up. 

She wasn't mad at Win, of course not, it wasn't her fault, though the thought of her — any version of her — sleeping with him made Lyddie's stomach churn and she slumped down next to Winnie. 

"Hey, it's okay," she whispered.  "I'm so sorry this happened, I... wanted tonight to be perfect for you."

"It's not your fault, Lyddie," Win murmured, completely embarrassed.  "I'm so sorry, I didn't think he'd... I had no idea he felt that way," she said, squeezing her eyes shut.  "I'm gunna... uh, I'll be right back—“  Before anyone could say anything more Win made a b-line for the bedroom, away from everyone's prying eyes.

Lydia was pretty much used to sharing her entire life with the gang, but she’d known them for a long time, Win had only known them since Community Service and she suddenly felt bad for making such a scene in front of everyone. "

“Winnie, baby," Lyddie exclaimed, hurrying to the door and knocking gently.  "Can I come in?  I just wanna talk and hold you, I'm sorry for all the yelling, I just couldn't help it."

“Yeah, you can come in,” Win said, her voice muffled.  As soon as Lydia shut the door behind her Win quickly scrubbed at her eyes, trying to hide her tears.

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea he felt that way... I can’t believe he tried to kiss me— I can’t believe he actually thought I’d leave you guys for him.  I’m just... I’m sorry, I don’t want you t’think—“  She shook her head and sank to the bed.

"There's nothing you could've done, baby, it was completely delusional of him to come here and pull this stunt," Lydia joined Win in bed and pulled her close.  "I love you, I would never judge you because of that.  I was really jealous and I embarrassed you, I'm so sorry about that."

“You were jealous?” Win asked softly, glancing over, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"Yeah, of course..." Lyddie felt her cheeks burn slightly.  "I saw th’way he looked at you, I saw you hugging him, I was bloody jealous."

“Aw babe,” Win drawled, her embarrassment forgotten for the moment.  “Is it terrible that I kinda like that?  It makes me feel special,” she laughed.  “I’m sorry, I’m terrible.”

"No, you're not terrible and you are special..." Lydia felt happy for being able to make Win smile after that shitshow.  "I just love you too much, and thinking about someone else with you made me lose it, you're mine."

“Someone other than a Nathan?” Win teased.  “I like how fiery you got babe, it was pretty hot,” she admitted, sliding her hand along Lyddie’s jaw as she leaned in to kiss her.

"I've never seen you get jealous over me..." Lydia mused, kissing her back, one hand firmly squeezing her thigh.  "But that's good to know, I should get jealous over you more often," she joked.

“I’ve been jealous before,” Win admitted softly between kisses.  “Though it wasn’t like some asshole was about to try to shove his tongue down your throat,” she said with a small laugh. “But I’ve definitely been jealous,” she said.  “It’s usually when fans flirt with you and you don’t realize it, or when guys at the bar check you out...”

"Yeah you're right, it does feel good," Lyddie murmured, using her thigh to part Win's legs, as she pushed her back, grinding against her.  "To know that you're scared of losing me, it's cute..." she moved to kiss Win's neck.  "I think we might be getting a little outta hand here, do you want me to stop?"

“No, please don’t stop,” Win moaned, tilting her head for Lyddie to keep kissing her neck.

“Win, are you oka—?!” her Nathan exclaimed, cutting off as soon as he saw Lyddie with her. “Oh! I... sorry.  I came t’check on yeh... I knew that guy was bad news!”

"Hey, go on, sit down," Lydia bit her lip.  "That is if you'd like to watch…” she drawled before turning her attention back to her girlfriend.  "Don't worry, we'll be back at the party in no time, but you gotta be quiet, okay, Winnie?" Lydia purred next to her ear, one of her hands sliding under Win's shirt as her thigh kept rubbing against her girlfriend's sex.  "Come on, baby, you know what to do..."

Win nodded, careful not to make a noise as she reached for her Nathan who joined them without having to be told twice.

"So beautiful like this..." Lyddie breathed before capturing Win's lips, one hand sliding between her legs, gathering her arousal as lube to tease her clit.  "Say you're mine, Winnie," she commanded.

“I’m yours, Lyddie,” she breathed, her breath catching, and she rolled her hips against her hand.

"You're so good, baby," Lydia pumped one finger inside of her while nipping at the tender skin of her neck.  "I love you so much."

“I love you too, please Lyddie,” Win whimpered, jumping as she felt Nathan’s thumb circle her clit as Lydia’s fingers pumped into her.  “Oh—“ she sighed, writhing at the pleasure that coursed through her at such two simple touches.

"Please what?  You wanna come for us?  Is that what you want, baby?  Cause I wanna watch you..." Lyddie added another finger, moving faster, while leaving a trail of hickeys down Win's neck.

“Yes, please, I’ll be quiet,” Win whined, threading her fingers in Lyddie’s hair, her other hand seeking Nathan’s.

"Good girl, come for me," Lyddie smirked, by now all the anxiety and sadness had faded, the only one she could focus on was Win.

As if Lyddie’s words were a switch Win climaxed, her body tensing as pleasure took over and she was floating for a moment.  When she came down from her high, her chest heaving, she looked up at her two lovers and gave a tremulous smile.  “I love you both, so much.”

"I love you too," Lydia licked her fingers clean and gently kissed Win's forehead.  "Are you ready to go back?  Can't leave Natty out there by himself for too long," she laughed.

“Yeah, you go on, I’ll be there in a sec,” Win murmured, sitting up, her eyes trailing over to her Nathan who seemed rather quiet.

"Okay," Lyddie stole one last kiss before leaving.  When she came out, she found exactly what she expected: Nathan being Nathan, cracking jokes and pulling tricks that only made everyone roll their eyes, while Lydia laughed.

“Did you ever have a thing with Max?” Win’s Nathan asked quietly. 

“No,” Win answered truthfully.  “He’s a good friend, but I never thought of him that way.  Though,  if what he said tonight is to be believed, apparently my clone from this timeline did…”

Nathan nodded reluctantly.  “Guess he’s been in love with you ever since, huh?  Or at least… well, you know...” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Win murmured.  “This is just so fucked up.” 

“I know,” Nathan exclaimed, reaching for her and Win let him pull her into his arms.  “But it’s not your fault.”

“I know, but I’m still sorry...” she insisted, her words muffled against his shirt. 

“Y’got nothin’ to be sorry for.  I’m sorry he did that t’yeh.” 

Win stayed there for a long time, just letting Nathan hold her.  

“C’mon, let’s go back out there and put all this behind us, huh?  Don’t wanna keep our lovely Lyddie waitin’,” Nathan said, pulling Win to her feet. 

“Yeah, definitely not,” Win agreed, seeming better, and they left the room to rejoin the party.

"So you were right about Max after all," Lyddie's Nathan let his head rest on her lap while they all watched a movie.  

"Yeah, as usual..." she teased.  "But I thought you were used to it by now."  She grinned as Win and the other Nathan joined them.  It felt so odd to know that tomorrow she would have to say goodbye to all their friends and her home. 

"Hey, Simon?" a voice came from the door, Max having left it ajar as he’d left and Lydia looked at her brother, tears springing to her eyes as she recognized the voice. 

"In here, dad!" he called. 

"I was hoping this was the right address, you know how I am sometimes..." 

"Yeah," Lyddie laughed as she shed a tear. 

"The car, right... I'll get the keys.  Dad, you remember my friend Lyddie, right?" Simon asked, taking her hand as he got to his feet.  "She's going to the US tomorrow to perform on Broadway." 

"Wow, that's amazing!  Congratulations!  I remember how talented you are," he exclaimed, holding his hand out to shake hers, but instead Lydia threw her arms around him.

Win watched Lydia hug her dad from her spot on the couch and she was overcome with a sudden wave of emotion. She really wished that Lyddie could tell him the truth about her identity some day.  She wanted her to be happy.  And a part of her wished that she and her own dad could work things out.  For a moment she thought about giving him a call, but what would she say?

"Do you wanna stay?  We have plenty of food and beer," Lydia asked hopefully, fixing her hair to cover the birthmark on her shoulder.  

"Thank you, but I can't, I'm supposed to pick my daughter up at the library.  It's getting a little late, don't want her walking around alone." 

"Yeah, that's... yeah, it's dangerous at night, thanks for dropping by," Lydia stumbled over her words. 

"Well, congrats again on the Broadway thing," he said, giving Lydia a tender look and waved at the rest of the guests.  "Have a good night you lot, sorry for interrupting your party," he chuckled before leaving. 

"Goodbye," Lydia waved back, falling into her Nathan's lap. "—Dad," she added softly after he’d already left.

Win looked over as Lyddie returned, slipping her hand in hers without a word and giving her a squeeze.  “Can I get you anything?” she asked.

"Just a hug," Lydia murmured, wiping the tears from her face as she took Win in her arms.  "Let's just finish the movie, yeah?"

“Of course, babe,” Win murmured, pulling Lydia into her arms.  As they watched the movie, the Nathans cracking jokes and quoting random lines Win idly ran her fingers through Lyddie’s hair, feeling strangely at peace, despite how the evening had gone.

———————-

Tag list: @magic-multicolored-miracle @santacarlahorrorshow @messengeronthemoon @the-freckled-luba @firstpersonnarrator  @spanishmossmagnolia @salvador-daley @forenschik @a-ghoulish-tale @love-is-dirty-baby @vonkimmeren  @violetrainbow412-blog

[lothkit]

☆ Fear

I haven’t written in so long, I’m so sorry, this is awful,

Gemma | mentioned: Gillian | @pleasantprefects

1495 words

Summary: This summer - There’s something under Gemma Watts’ kitchen sink. What she finds might surprise you!

12 July, 2006

Gillybean!! I found out the most interesting bit of news at the last family dinner. My stepmum heard from my grandmother that she heard from one of her friends on the Board of Governors that Trelawney really IS retiring this year. I wonder who they got to replace the old bat? Maybe they’ll just do away with the subject all together?? I know everyone thinks it’s “soft” but it’s a really good class to take a nap. My grandmother says they’ll find someone though--she was saying that her family back in India is descended from a famous Seer, so she KNOWS it’s a real subject, and she’ll make them keep teaching it, McGonagall be damned, so help her. That’s what she said, anyway.

I know it’s only been two weeks, but if you wanted to come visit, Shivani says you should do it this month and not next. Apparently she’s getting a new bird next month, and she said it’s not a fwooper so I can only imagine what she’s bringing home now.

I really do hope you come, because it’s so BORING, and I just wanna go for a flight around the Tor but my father says not to unless I’m going with someone else, to never fly alone, just in case something happens. I don’t think it would--and anyway, I have to be the BEST at flying, so I can be the best Keeper. I can’t be afraid of anything! (And DON’T laugh either! You laughed in Defense Against the Dark Arts when we did that lesson on Boggarts and mine was a VAMPIRE. They’re SCARY, Gillian! They have scary sharp fangs and they eat people!!)

Anyway, if you CAN’T come we’re planning on visiting London the last week of August...

The summer holidays are always the worst time of the year for Gemma. It’s not that she doesn’t love her family, when they’re around (because she does, she adores her father, when he’s around; and Shivani really isn’t too terrible, when she’s not asking Gemma to clean the fwoopers’ cages). It’s that she loves Gillian just so much. They’re practically sisters now—they’ve been inseparable since meeting on the Hogwarts Express. Almost every moment of their lives during the school year is spent together. The only exceptions are the winter holidays, and they barely count. The two months separated from each other seem so unbearable to Gemma most days, like she’s missing an arm. Sending an owl isn’t the same as waking up in the middle of the night to share a thought—it’s not the same as turning over and just being able to look at her face as Gillian shares the latest piece of gossip, like what Griffin thinks about that snooty Ravenclaw boy in the year above them, or the predication Trelawney’s going to make about Gillian’s love life this week. Sure, they can visit, but it’s not the same. Gillian has a way of making herself seem like the only person in the room that matters, so Gemma feels her absence everywhere she goes.

This is what she’s thinking about as she chews her quill and ponders over what else to include in today’s letter, when the cabinet below the sink starts to rattle. Her father’s great grey owl, Astolat, hoots in fear and flies off. “Shivani!” Gemma shouts into the next room, but that just makes Astolat hoot again and the cabinet shake harder. Heaving a great and dramatic sigh, Gemma puts her quill down on the kitchen table and pushes her chair back. “ShivaNI, something’s under the sink!”

Her stepmother calls back, “In just a second, Gemma, I’m Silencing the fwoopers!” At that, Gemma wrinkles her nose. She hated the stupid fwoopers and their stupid fluorescent feathers, even if they did make for good quills (Gillian really liked the bright yellow one Gemma gave her).

She stands in the kitchen, unsure of what else to do. The cabinet is rattling harder now, insistent on being opened; elsewhere in the house, she can hear the brief squawk of a fwooper trying to resist its monthly Silencing charm. Shivani seems far too busy with her stupid birds to do anything about it, but before there was a Shivani, Gemma was the lady of the House. Her father often let her take care of important tasks, and wasn’t checking out strange things one of those? Besides, Gemma was a Gryffindor. She could handle whatever was under the sink. It was probably just a puffskein anyway and everyone knew they were harmless.

Annoyed, she opens up the cabinet, and out crawls a perfectly well and fine Gillian Chow.

“Hey, babe,” Gillian says, her eyes bright and shining.

Gemma’s jaw drops. How did Gillian get under her sink? She shouldn’t even fit under there. But Gillian doesn’t offer any explanation, just looks at her curiously. Intently, even. And Gemma can feel her heart just about burst in excitement. She rushes forward, going to envelop her in a giant hug—she must have done it as a prank, and what a great one! This is why Gemma loves her so much, she thinks; because Gillian always keeps her guessing.

Gillian doesn’t move at first, doesn’t wrap her arms around Gemma in return. She can feel her relax though, as she murmurs something in the crook of Gemma’s neck. “I’m so happy to see you! That was a good one!” she says, grinning as she hugs Gillian tightly. She feels her best friend’s smile against her shoulder, and a shiver runs down Gemma’s spine.

“Me too,” Gillian whispers, her teeth grazing Gemma’s neck. “I’m starved.”

“Huh?” Gemma tries to look up, just in time to see Gillian’s incisors lengthen—

And she’s wrenched away from Gillian’s grasp by her stepmother’s soft hands. Gillian snarls for a moment; then there is a loud CRACK! and she is replaced by a giant snake slithering like mad.

“Riddikulus!” Shivani says, swishing her wand in the air. The snake quickly turns into rubber, and bounces harmlessly, causing her to chuckle. In an instant, the boggart vanishes.

Gemma stands blinking in the middle of the kitchen. Shivani stows her wand behind her right ear and turns to her. “I told you to wait, Gemma,” she says. Her voice is stern, but her eyes are concerned as they roam over her face. She flushes under the scrutiny, looking down at her feet. She feels guilty, though she can’t explain why, exactly.

“I—but Gillian—” Gemma stutters, looking frantically from her stepmother to the spot where the Not-Gillian had just stood. “But—”

“Surely Professor Burnsides covered boggarts with you.”

“Well, he d-did, but…” But it wasn’t like that before. Gemma bites her lip and looks back down at the ground. Gillian definitely wasn’t her Boggart before--it was a vampire, she had just written that down! She mumbles something about that, but Shivani waves her hand and steers her to sit back down at the kitchen table. Gemma numbly obeys.

Another wave of her wand, and the teapot is already whistling and pouring two steaming cups, one of which Shivani pushes towards Gemma before taking her own seat. “I know what you’re going through, love,” she says. She takes a long sip of her tea. “It’s perfectly natural.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gemma replies, crossing her arms across her chest.

Shivani gives her a hard look, and she resists the urge to flinch. Instead she raises her chin in defiance. Her stepmother’s eyes soften as she busies herself with her own mug. “I absolutely do, darling, but you have to know, it’s not exactly… let’s say, proper, for a young woman of your name, and social standing to… hmm.” She frowns into her tea, and clears her throat. “There are certain things we—your father and I, and your grandparents—well, that we expect from you, down the line. It’s perfectly fine, especially while you’re still in school to experiment—”

“Experiment?! What do you mean experiment?”

“—but you must remember who you are, Gemma darling,” Shivani continues, as if Gemma hadn’t spoken at all. “You are a Joshi like your father, somewhere in there, and well, your grandmother especially expects certain things. You mustn’t allow a simple dalliance—”

“I don’t know what that word even means,” Gemma frowns and sinks back in her chair. “Gillian’s m-my friend,” she lies miserably. “We wouldn’t, ever, not really.”

Shivani reaches a hand across the table, palm up. “Just take care that whatever you do in school doesn’t cut you off from—well, you don’t want people to think you’re unmarriageable, darling. A good marriage, a Pureblood boy, that’s all we want for you in the end. As long as you’re careful… well, I suppose we’ll just keep this between us, yes?”

Gemma stares down at the extended hand in the middle of the table. Oh, she thinks, soft and small even in her own mind. She gingerly clasps her stepmother’s hand with her own. “I understand.”

[spnrelatedurl]

Stay Beautiful - Chapter 4

A/N: So it’s finally here. Chapter 4. I’m so sorry about how long it took for it to come out. I’ve been coming down of a medication and the withdrawal symptoms have been insane. Okay, so I’m going to be busy from Thursday for a while (I’m surprising my sister and going to her uni with my family for her birthday. I hope she doesn’t ever find this blog but yeah, surprise!) and so if I don’t get a chapter uploaded by then (which I hopefully will) that’s why. Anyway, I hope this chapter does the other chapters justice!

Trigger warnings: Kidnap, missing child, depression

Word Count: 2443

Tag List:  @winchesters-favorite-girl @winchester-writes @storyofawinchester @rosie-winchester@bea789  @inkedinpastel @alicat-life @wayward-marvel-sommer1196​ @bellero​ @unicorndreamer1622  @internationalmusicteacher​ @xdsockmonkey​ @lolawinchesterr​

The Padalecki’s did exactly what Ava had predicted. Which meant that, twenty-four hours later, I found out I was going to be living with them until the court hearing took place to resolve my permanent custody at the end of November.

Ava forced me to see a counsellor the next day. She said something about me needing help to adjust to the new situation I was in. But to be honest, talking about everything just made me feel worse. The stupid counsellor was ancient. She kept nodding at me sympathetically and saying “Mmn, must be very difficult for you,” until I wanted to scream at her.

I know it’s difficult. What the hell can I do about it?

I was sure part of her was thinking that I had no problem. That I wanted to know who I was, and here I am. I’m Chloe Kendra Padalecki. Get on with it. It was so hard to explain how I felt, and I’d already had to go through it with the judge.

What I’d said was that ”I’d rather live with the Padalecki’s than with a strange foster family,” but what I really felt in my heart was all muddled. Of course I wanted to spend time with the Padalecki’s. But I didn’t want to move in with them. I didn’t know them, and the thought that I’d be moving in with them was terrifying. And strangely enough, I missed mum and dad.

My only hope is my parents being found and them explaining something. Anything to make their innocence apparent. But the chances of them being innocent at all are slim to none, and I had another stupid session with the counsellor after lunch. My last lunch with Morgan before she had to fly home.

“Hey, what’s up?” Morgan asked. We were having lunch at a separate table to her parents who were out all night because they were discussing my situation. Go figure.

“I’m just distracted. The stupid counsellor is making me think about everything. Really intensely too. She just wants me to go in further detail so she can say she’s sorry I’m feeling that way. It’s annoying.” I said, picking at my food. I wasn’t hungry at all right now. And judging by my nerves, I don’t know if I ever will be again.

“So, try not to talk about those things. Try and talk about good things. Like, I don’t know. Remember in primary school? We played that game in which we could transform into anything. I know that idiot will probably try to make it a big deal, but just talk about our games. I remember once, I’m pretty sure I was some European king in a former life and you wouldn’t believe the…”

As Morgan happily spoke on about the escapades of our youth, I smiled sadly at her. I couldn’t imagine a future without her. Or mum and dad. I had thought knowing for sure that I was Chloe Kendra Padalecki would make sense of everything. I thought finding my real parents would fill up all the missing parts of me.

But Chloe Kendra was just the name of a missing baby.

And my mum isn’t even here anymore.

And I was more alone than ever.

Once lunch was over I said goodbye to Morgan and the Caldwell’s.

“Listen, try to enjoy yourself. I mean, I know it’s easier said than done, but remember, you get to say that your favourite actor is your father. Pretty cool if I say so myself.” Morgan said. I rolled my eyes and smiled at her. My heart was in my throat.

“Don’t go?” I begged. She had tears welling up in her eyes as I had mine.

“Kendra, it’s okay. I promise we’ll be back in the summer. Before you know it. But this one has to get back to school. She’s not exactly at the top of her class.” Morgan’s dad said. I cracked a smile, and Morgan shoved him slightly.

“Dad!” She whined. I smiled and hugged her one last time before they left.

Ava came up to me after that.

“The counsellor’s been called in to an emergency about one of her regulars. You’ll have to see her some other time.” She explained. “Are you all packed?” She asked. I looked down sadly and nodded my head.

I went to my hotel room and picked up my suitcase. Isn’t it strange how this one room felt more like home than either the Padalecki’s or the place I called home for so many years?

I followed Ava out to the car. As she shut me inside it felt like I was being locked into a prison. The journey to the Padalecki’s house seemed to flash by in seconds. I sat in the back of the car with my hands clenched tightly together.

When I saw the yellow ribbon tied round the tree in the Padalecki’s front garden, my heart, already in a mush in my shoes, dribbled out onto the ground. “There’s not going to be a party or anything is there?” I asked Ava.

She shot me a puzzled look. “That ribbon’s been there since Jared moved here and been on every tree on his house ever since you disappeared,” she said. “Didn’t you notice it there before?”

I hadn’t. As we walked through the gates and up the path I saw she was right. The ribbon was faded and stained, and it looked like it had been retied before. “It’s a tradition,” Ava said, “for when people are a long way from home.”

As she rang on the doorbell my heart thumped in my chest. The house seemed quiet, but I was dreading all the people I might have to meet.

Jared Padalecki opened the door almost before Ava stopped pressing the buzzer. He stood back to let me in. I got the same impression I had before. Lots of space and light and polished wooden furniture. This time I noticed a swimming pool through the back-door window.

I stood awkwardly, wondering where everyone else was.

The woman who had spoken to me when I was here before was hanging back by one of the flowery sofas. But I could feel her eyes boring into me. I knew her name was Genevieve Padalecki.

My stepmum. And yet, so not my stepmum.

I looked at the floor wishing I was anywhere else.

Ava said goodbye, but I was trying too hard not to cry that I just wasn’t able to say anything back. Genevieve showed Ava out, then came and held out her hand for my suitcase. I gave it up reluctantly. I still hadn’t spoken.

“Come and sit down. We’re on our own. We thought it would be easier for you.” Jared said. Genevieve put my suitcase by the stairs and led me over to the sofas. I had this strong sense that Jared was dying to hurl himself at me and give me this major hug and was restraining himself with great difficulty. I sat in the corner of the sofa, as far away from him as possible.

I looked down, this tatty friendship bracelet Morgan gave me at the end of year six to make sure we’d always be friends no matter what was still clung around my wrist. The sight of it brought such a lump to my throat that I had to dig my fingers into my palms to stop myself from howling.

“Kendra?” I looked up. Jared was sitting on the sofa opposite me. Genevieve stood behind him, reaching over his shoulder. They were holding hands.

They couldn’t have been more different from mum and dad. Genevieve was obviously much, much younger than mum and really groomed. Her hair was carefully set and her makeup immaculate, right down to the glossy pink lipstick. Jared appeared even younger. He was tall and athletic-looking with dark brown hair that flopped down to Just above his shoulders.

“The counsellor told us you prefer to be called Kendra.” Jared said.

Of course I do, it’s my name.

“Which is fine.” Genevieve added quickly.

“Kendra was your mother’s mom’s name,” Jared went on. “That’s why it’s your middle name. I’m so happy you remembered it – at least, I assume you must have or else…” He looked away. “Her mother wasn’t much older than you when you were born. Nineteen. She was called Kendra after her grandmother. It was her middle name too.”

“Jared.” Genevieve patted her husband on the shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m just…” A tear trickled down his cheek.

I looked down at my lap. This man was my father. I had to live with him. And he was a complete stranger.

“This is so hard on all of us, Kendra. But… but d- Jared and I want you to know that we love you so, so much.”

You don’t even know me.

I suddenly missed mum and dad unbearably.

Oh god, what if they get sent to prison and I never see them again?

My gut twisted

“We never stopped waiting and searching and hoping and praying you would come home to us. Oh… oh what is it?”

I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. At the word ‘home’ my whole body just heaved in despair. I bent over, hiding my face, every part of me racked with silent sobs.

And suddenly they were both there, in floods of tears themselves. Jared at my knees, his arms round me, going, “My baby, my baby.” Genevieve’s hand stroking my hair.

It was hideous.

I wanted to scream and yell at them to go away. To let me go home. But what good would it do? Mum and dad were on the run, and probably not allowed to see me even when they get found.

I forced myself to stop crying. I sat up, drew back and wiped my eyes.

When mum and dad get found, they’ll prove their innocence and they can fight for me. The Padalecki’s won’t make me stay. If they really love me, they’ll let me go.

About an hour after I’d arrived, everyone else who was there the other day turned up. Including Jared and Genevieve’s other kids.

I remembered two of them from that day. Thomas, who was confused more than anything else, and little Shep, who had stared at me over the top of the sofa, his eyes as big and as round as a bushbaby’s.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” Thomas asked from the front door.

“Of course, sweetie.” Genevieve stood up. “Come in and meet your big sister properly.”

Thomas shuffled cautiously into the living room. His hair was the same colour brown as Jared’s and he was wearing a teenage mutant ninja turtles costume. I knew from what Jared told me, he was five.

“Hi Chloe.” He blushed. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m supposed to call you Kendra.”

“Hi.” I said. Then, feeling perhaps I should be a bit more generous, I added: “I’m sure you’ll get used to it.”

Tom’s lip trembled.

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” Jared gave him an enormous hug, then turned to me. “Tom’s just a little emotional right now. He’s only heard stories of you, so this is all kind of strange for him.”

Strange for him?

Thomas fixed me with his round, brown eyes. “I’ve always wanted to meet my big sister.” He said in such a monotone voice that made me wonder whether he actually wanted to, or it’s just what he’s always been told. Either way, it’s quite obvious that he didn’t really care one way or the other.

“Oh, Tom. What a sweet thing to say.” Genevieve hugged him.

I heard a noise behind my chair and looked round. I jumped. Shep was standing by the arm, about half-a-metre away from me.

“Shep, please don’t creep up on people like that,” Genevieve sighed. “I’m going to make some tea. Come through when you’re ready.”

Tom and Jared followed Gen out of the room. I smiled at Shep. “Hi.”

He stared at me.

“So how old are you?” I asked, even though Jared had already told me.

“Three.” Shep still hadn’t taken his eyes off me. “Are you really my sister?”

I nodded.

“I imagined you were a princess.” JJ, Jensen’s daughter said from the door, sucking her thumb.

“Oh. Well… er… I’m not. Sorry, I guess I’m just ordinary.”

They leaned forward, and JJ whispered in my ear. Her breath smelled of strawberry jam. “We could still pretend you are.”

I grinned at them. “Do you two like pretend games?”

Shep nodded solemnly. “I’m going to be an actor when I grow up.”

“Really? D’you like dressing up and stuff?” I asked, remembering how I used to like putting on mum’s old clothes when I was little.

“Some.” JJ tilted her diamond face to one side. “But what we really like is pretending. You know, imagining being other people.”

“Tea’s ready,” Jared called. Shep ran out of the room, and JJ skipped behind him. I followed, watching the way her long blonde hair swung from side to side across her back.

“I hope you talked nicely to Kendra,” Jensen said as JJ sat down at the table. He turned to me. “She’s such a shy little thing.”

“Actually, they were both great,” I said. “They told me… lots of stuff.”

The pair reddened. I tried to smile at them, to reassure them that I wasn’t going to grass them up about their acting ambitions in front of their actor parents. JJ smiled back, but Shep looked away.

Danneel, Jensen’s wife, set down a jug of milk down on the table. As she sat down I noticed a photo from behind her on the windowsill. Without hesitation I got up to look at it. It was quite an old photo. I could tell because it was printed and framed, but the colour of the frame seemed a bit faded. However, it wasn’t old enough that the photo inside it was grainy and of poor quality. No. This picture was of my mum holding me as a baby. And as bad as it was I only had one thought in my head as a looked at her slight double chin.

Great. Just my luck. On top of everything else. Fat genes.

It felt like the whole world was moving even slower than usual as I heard the deafening silence filling the room. But, out of the window I noticed something.

Ava’s car was parking up into the driveway, and as soon as she got out, I could see it in her face that it wasn’t good news.

[molla-sorensen]

My friend has an eating disorder, and I have depression, Part 1.

So my depression’s been pretty bad for the past six months or so, and when my depression gets bad I get really short with people, I’m dismissive and rude, I’m completely aware of it, there’s just not an easy way to fix it.  My friend, she kept complaining about her weight and kept comparing herself to mine, I’m shorter than her and I have a fast metabolism so yeah, I’m skinny I guess. But she wouldn’t stop obsessing over her weight. One day I mentioned that I don’t eat breakfast because I don’t have enough time to in the morning before school, so a couple weeks later, she told me she was just going to stop eating because ‘that's what I do to stay skinny’. She has this way of warping everything I say to mean something totally different. She stopped eating for the most part, I warned her against it to the best of my ability, but you have to understand that it’s hard to make any sort of argument when you can hardly convince yourself to get out of bed in the morning. A month later she got diagnosed with an eating disorder, and I was at a really low point in my life. She messaged me telling me that she got diagnosed and I basically said, well what did you think was going to happen. Apparently that was rude, but I seriously thought she knew what was going to happen. In her mind though, there isn’t anything wrong with starving yourself. She then went on to call me a terrible person and friend, that I was the one with an eating disorder and that I caused her to do what she did, it went on for about an hour, and I thought that was it. She then made a post saying ‘when were you going to tell me that our friendship meant more to me than it did to you?’ and I responded to it: Me: Jeez thanks Her: Ahah Me: What the hell Her: What? Me: Why would you put that on your story? Her: Because I could. Why do you think it’s about you? Me: Because of all the shit you said yesterday Her: All the shit I said? Omg. You weren’t blameless in that Me: What was I meant to say, you were saying shit about me being the one with a huge problem Her: That’s not what I said at all. Stop playing the victim Me: I’m not playing the victim. You were making it out like you got the idea to stop eating from me. Then told me I don’t eat properly, I’m underweight and that that’s why I have low blood pressure Her: I fucking wanted my friend when I was going through something rough and you acted like a dick Me: I’m sorry if I wasn’t surprised when you told me you have an eating disorder. I already knew that, you just don’t want to believe that you not eating is a problem. Her: That’s not the point omg Me: What’s the point then? I can’t help you when I’m like this, I can’t help anyone

She then decided to bring up the reason I was so bad at the time. A guy I’d been seeing for a couple months had two girlfriends he’d neglected to tell me about, and he told me a week before it had been a year since I’d been sexually assaulted, so not a good time for me. She brought it up out of context, and the way I see it, you can’t compare guy advice with an eating disorder. That’s not even a comparison you can make, it doesn't work. Another thing to bring up, when I was assaulted the year before it was while I was camping with an organisation. I told this friend about what happened a couple months after it did, I thought I could trust her with it. She asked if she could tell a mutual friend of ours who works for that organisation. I said I was fine with it as long as he didn’t take any action on what he knew. A week later she’s calling me saying that our friend’s boss wants to file a report what happened. I didn’t get a choice. I didn’t want to think about it, let alone keep repeating to people I didn’t know what had happened to me. I trusted her with what happened and I shouldn't have.

Her: I wasn’t surprised when that guy turned out to be a fucking dick. I knew that already. I still sat with you and supported you and was there for you as a friend Erin. And you can’t do the same for me. Oh you can’t help anyone? Get over yourself oh my god Me: Get over myself? All I think about is how to stop myself from hurting people by killing myself. I know I sound like a dick, but I can’t take on other people’s problems until I sort out my own. I want to be there for you, I want to be a good friend, but I need to get better before I can do that and I don’t know when that will happen Her: I know, ok. We’ve had this discussion. You have issues. So do I. But I will always put them aside for you. And you can’t take your head out of your ass to help me for two fucking seconds. You don’t understand how much I do for you. I had people break fucking policies to protect you. I will always make time for you, and at the moment you can make time for me. I needed you yesterday. Ok. I need you. I wanted my friend. And your response was ‘you knew it was going to happen’ well thanks Hun. Thanks. That’s exactly what I needed. Me: Okay if you’re going to bring that up, then I can bring up the fact that I said I didn’t want anything to be done about it, and you told our friends boss anyways. And doing that made it keep coming up in conversation, I trusted you with what I told you, and you kept bringing it up like I was okay talking about it.And you know what you said when you told me about that guy being a dick to me? “I could've told you that” so we’re really not that different are we Her: I asked you if I could tell him. We put plans in place so that if you ever at any point wanted to do something you could. We set you up a safety net. We broke policy for you. Me: You asked if you could tell our friend, I said that’s fine as long as he didn't do anything about it Her: No I asked if I could tell his boss too Me: I said don’t do anything about it. I didn’t ask you to break any rules. And you didn’t ask me, just like he didn’t Her: Fuck it. I’m sorry for trying to help you. My mistake. I’ll let you deal with your own fucking issues by yourself next time shall I? We all know how well you do with that.

That was it. She basically spat in my face that she’s the reason I haven’t killed myself yet. Not true. So. Not. True.

Her: You should know me well enough that I don't say when I’m hurting, or I’m scared or if I’m not doing ok. Well yesterday I told you. And you dismissed me like it was nothing. It wasn’t important enough for you. Me: Yeah, you’re right. Every time I think about the assault I slit my wrists, that’s how I deal with it. Do you seriously think that low of me? I’m going on stronger anti-d’s and going to two different psychologists plus family therapy just to try and get myself to the point where I can think. I know what I’m doing, and I know it’s hurting a lot of people to be the way I am. You’re not the only person I can’t be there for. I want to be, you’re one of my best friends. I just feel like a constant burden because I’m not a good enough friend and I probably never will be. Her: That’s not an excuse.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but me having severe depression is not an excuse to why I can’t cope with helping people. It’s a reason. A legitimate reason.

Me: Whoops sorry, didn't realise my mental state was being labelled as an excuse Her: Shut up. I live in a fucking household where I’m (verbally) abused by my parents. I don’t talk about t because I feel like a piece of shit putting that on people. I feel like shit if I mention it to you because you have your own fucking issues and I don’t want to add to that. I feel like a burden every day. To my family, to my brothers because I talk to them about my problems. To our friend cause he’s the only one that will listen to me. (She just said she talks to her brothers about it as well. Js.) I don’t have access to counsellors or anything that can make any of this better. I suffer. Everyday. In silence. You are so lucky you have access to that stuff because I don’t. Maybe. Just maybe. If this eating disorder thing continues I’ll get bad enough my parents will love me Me: Fuck you’re right. I am lucky. I’m so lucky because my dad neglected me my whole life, let my stepmum kick me and my brother out and abandoned me. I’m so lucky because I’m terrified of my stepdad hitting me like he hit my brother. I’m so lucky because I constantly feel like shit for not being able to care about people. I’m so lucky I don’t want anyone getting close to me so that if I do end up killing myself, no one will care. I’m so fucking lucky, you have no idea how lucky I am. Her: Just once can you be my friend and help me instead of making everything about you? Me: You were having a go at me and saying I’m lucky because I have access to help. I’m not lucky at all, I’d be lucky if I didn’t need help. Her: I didn’t say you were lucky with your living situations did I? That’s what that fucking rant was about. I said you’re lucky you have access to help. Me: How am I meant to help you with this? I know you don’t want to start eating properly because your parents constantly digs at your weight. I told you you shouldn’t do it in the first place. I’ve reminded you to eat when I see you. What more can I do? I’ve got nothing to give. I don’t know what to do to help you, and I can’t convince you to help yourself. Her: I don’t know. Be my friend? Like I am for you when you’re having a tough time. Instead of telling me there’s nothing you can do so I’m on my own Me: I’m not telling you you’re on your own. I’m telling you I’m lost for what to do. Her: Fine Me: That’s it? Fine? You had so much to say before. Her: It doesn’t work with you. You’re only interested if it’s about you. Might have to find a way to work your issues in before you’ll listen Me: This isn’t about me being a selfish prick, this about you not understanding that I can’t help you, I can’t be there for you Her: And I can’t help you either. Doesn’t stop me from fucking trying though. Me: I am trying. It sucks that you can’t see that. I’m sorry if everything I said didn’t help, but all I can do is apologise. I can’t blame myself for not being able to help, and you can’t blame me for that either. I can’t fill up someone else’s cup of mines already empty Her: It’s difficult. Every time I need you, you’re not there Me: I’m not blaming myself for that. I can’t blame myself anymore, it only makes me worse. I’m trying to change, but I can’t help you until I’m better. I know it seems like I’m just pushing you to the dirt, but I’m trying to pick myself up from there. I’m sorry you feel like I’m not here for you. I guess in a way I’m not, but I’m not going to blame myself anymore. Her: I understand that you have your own problems and issues. I acknowledge that it’s hard for you. But you need to comprehend that I have my own issues too, and I have and always will put them aside for you. Me: I know you have your own issues Jess, I want to help. But I can’t right now> I just can’t Her: I just want you to see okay, you know what I used to look like. I want you to see what you don’t have time for

She then sent me a bunch of photos of her stomach. And you know how you can tell when someone’s sucking their stomach in heaps? Well I could tell and that’s what she did. She sucked in her stomach to look skinnier just to try and guilt trip me, draw my attention. I don’t stand for that stuff, it makes me angry, it goes against all of my values and morals. I’d had enough.

Me: Stop trying to guilt trip me Her: You do it to me. Does that mean anything to you? Me: How in fucking hell do I guilt trip you? I never want to talk about what’s wrong with me, and I end up telling you because I don’t want you to feel like I don’t trust you. I. Can’t. Help. I never once said I don't have time for you. Stop twisting my words. I’m going now

I then blocked her and didn’t talk to her for a couple weeks. I did care about her but she was going way too far, and the shit she said did a lot of damage. I didn’t stop caring though, so I got her a list of helplines, online support, names of organisations that do counselling and treatment for free and sent it to her. A week after that I’d realised the text probably didn’t send through because I’d blocked her number, so I unblocked her and sent it through again. She had a go at me for trying to talk to her, but after probably half an hour of talking we worked shit out.