#i might've not survived some years without their music | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mr-ig · 1 year

Text

On the Bardots

As it happens, I recently turned up a small pile of diaries from the nineties, stuffed into a holdall with my old ZX Spectrum, some scart leads and a couple of pink plastic kazoos. By that time, I was, mercifully, beyond documenting my romantic woes in gruesome detail, but I hadn't yet got out of the habit of writing hysterical notes about gigs I'd been to and earnestly noting down a weekly playlist.

As I adjusted to my twenties, that weekly diet was somewhat lacking in fresh ingredients. Random example from 1991: Ministry, God, Terminal Cheesecake, Godflesh, Codeine, Swans, Wedding Present. Gives me a touch of indigestion just thinking about it. It was about to change. Random example from 1993: Insides, Shara Nelson, Metalheads, Seefeel, Orbital. A lightening of the mood, a broadening of the palette, and a great many guitar bands would not survive the cull. One guitar band in particular, however, would still be appearing in my diary's weekly hit parade even in 1997, the last year that I kept.

youtube

For a brief moment, the Bardots were the music press darlings of cliché. Entirely unafraid of pomposity and pretentiousness, they were tailor-made for the Melody Maker of the time, and for an indie scene swooning to Suede and hungry for some post-Madchester glamour. They were rewarded with Single of the Week a couple of times, first for the chiming cascade of Pretty O and then for the barbed dream-pop of Shallow. A knack for flowing melody and extravagant melodrama was noted and would persist. They received a full-page interview, a high-profile live review.

My memory suggests that the live review sounded a somewhat disappointed note, complaining of the band's reluctance to engage with its audience, suggesting that success would require a greater generosity of spirit towards paying punters. Honestly, you couldn't have found a way to make them sound like a more perfect fit: for several years, I'd steadfastly (and yes, absurdly) refused to applaud bands, on the grounds that they ought to know whether they were any good or not without my assistance. I didn't want to be engaged with, thank you kindly, and would be delighted to accept the invitation to stand there with my arms folded looking unimpressed in return.

Which I duly did, at the Concorde on Brighton seafront on Wednesday 16th September 1992. "Pristine pop, for once, for always" says my uncharacteristically pithy diary entry. My recollection is that the audience comprised me and another bloke; we had a friendly chat, it would've seemed rude not to. The Bardots delivered their set shrouded in projections of red roses and razor blades, and they did indeed seem largely indifferent to our presence. Not hard to ignore an audience of two, it's true.

To my mind, falling in love with a new band requires that they tick precisely the right number of boxes. Too few and it's all awkward silences, nothing in common; too many and there's no nervous tension to play with. I fell in love. Tried not to show it too much, obviously.

The belief that everyone else would come to love them too has not weathered well. I've tried, God knows. I'm still trying, evidently. A comprehensive history of the band, having detailed its roots at the University of East Anglia and the lightly fey stylings of early material and that initial music press interest, would inevitably hang much upon the fact that Cheree Records went bust at the point of releasing debut album Eye Baby, and that the album therefore received almost none of the promotional fanfare that it deserved. Disastrous timing, cruel fate. We'll never know what might've happened in different circumstances, but I feel that the argument in favour of thwarted superstardom would be on more solid ground if a single bastard one of the countless people upon whom I've foisted the Bardots over the years had shown even the merest interest.

youtube

No matter. Perhaps I wouldn't hold them so dear if I'd had to share them. In truth, I'm not wholly convinced about selling Eye Baby to you as some kind of lost masterpiece: it's got a rather one-size-fits-all production, cavernous and cloudy, which doesn't necessarily do favours for its best songs. Those best songs fill up most of the second half and they're remarkable, to my ears: Gloriole, for example, is a hot mess of a thing, constantly stumbling and stalling and then launching itself off again and only just making it over the two minute mark. Caterina begins in a similar vein before slowing down to admire its own elaborate swirls of guitar. The tortured waltz of Obscenity Thing has always been the one for me, descending as it does into an oddly dubby, lightly flagellating middle section before reviving its chorus for one last turn around the dancefloor. It's absurd, and complicated, and ambitious, and sublime. It's everything I wanted indie pop to want to be. Still do.

youtube

That first clutch of records gives the impression of a band with songs to burn, yet without a really clear idea of how those songs ought to sound. That never encumbered them live, but the studio can be a treacherous place: even their sole Peel session leaves the sense that the very best versions of these songs stayed in their writers' imaginations. There's no absence of execution: Neil and Steve Cox were a lithe, fluent rhythm section; guitarists Andy Murphy and Krzysztof Fijalkowski, brother of Adorable's Pete Fij, never let pyrotechnics obscure the tunes; smartly-dressed frontman Simon Dunford had a gift for delivering his lyrics as if they were far simpler, and far more innocent, than closer inspection revealed. I saw them twice more, in venues of diminishing size, and they huddled together like an insular little gang before they took the stage. Wagons circled, like they were talking about us, judging us. I couldn't have loved them more.

Bar interim single We Are Fiasco - a delightfully celebratory take on their predicament - they disappeared from sight for the best part of three years. The album which eventually resulted, V-Neck, is one that I cherish deeply…and perhaps all the more for the fact that it's always existed in a total vacuum. The Bardots were, apparently, no more by that point, just a line in their label's newsletter to announce that they'd packed it in. Then and now, I'm not sure that I've ever heard any opinion of that record other than my own. No press releases, no interviews, no reviews, nothing. It's a funny place for one of your favourite albums to sit. Over the years, I've weighed every nuance of those songs, rejoiced in every revelation, dissected every flaw, and it's almost as if it belongs only to the six of us, them and me.

With one line-up change - Yves Altana replacing Andy Murphy on guitar - and some evident stock-taking, the Bardots finally had a sound worthy of their songs. Or mostly, at any rate: there are a couple of moments when the budget evidently doesn't stretch to an actual string section, something that's easy to forgive. But where Eye Baby was all very thoroughly coloured-in, sometimes outside the lines as well as in, V-Neck leaves plenty of room for the listener to do some of their own shading. It's a more minimal, skeletal record, and yet a more vibrant one too, and its use of subtle texture and sly detail and well-judged restraint seems to owe just the right amount to the likes of Magazine and Wire. It sounds like they've taken their self-absorption to its logical end: where once it was rather performative, now it just seems that they've spent months writing and perfecting songs simply to satisfy themselves. Almost nobody else would ever hear them, which is almost everybody else's loss.

youtube

When it does want to prowl and pout and preen, to be the Bardots of old, it does so with new-found assurance. It's a record which understands the power of a moment left to linger for a second or two. The Colony Room, for example, saunters lazily down the corridor, leans in the doorway with an eyebrow arched, holds the pose for a line before bursting into the room. Sole single Carrion does the same, screaming guitars held in check for just long enough. Elsewhere, English Lovers bides its sweet time for four minutes before a climax which tastes of summer rain, each element allowed to breathe pure fresh air with arms outstretched. Violent Love is all poison and pirouettes, and it chooses to close its eyes and turn faster and faster until everything becomes a soothing blur. Skin Diving is simply ravishing, and "We'll steal ourselves a car/And take us to the world" has always seemed the most romantic of lines.

youtube

It's a record of oblique angles and sudden openings and great tunes, and every song is a slim novella, and every chorus has a counter-chorus, and every line has a little bit of mischief hidden in it. Dunford constantly ties his words into grammatical knots and bows and I've never had much of an idea what he's on about half the time, apart from an inkling that it's probably quite rude. He never had such fun as he does here, his lyrics spinning their way around whatever spiraling guitar lines Fijalkowski and Altana have conjured up. Or maybe they're spinning around him. There's a lot of spiraling and spinning, anyway. They conclude, forever, with Feeling Juvenile - "Stop stop press/Life's complex" - and it fades into silence with one final gorgeous intertwining of all five band members, each flying their own streamer, trailing it into the distance. Not a happy ending, perhaps, but a fitting one.

youtube

Krzysztof Fijalkowski would form Polak with his brother, Simon Dunford joined their ranks for a bit; their tilt at stardom didn't quite make it into orbit either. The Bardots reformed for a one-off gig in Norwich back in 2009; I found out about it a month after it'd happened. There's been almost nothing but silence since, until a sudden flurry of social media activity recently leading to both albums being made available on Bandcamp and the usual streaming services. The records finally being out there again may or - oh, if you insist - may not secure their rightful place in history. It does at least give me something tangible to refer you to, something to prove they existed.

Because - and I do appreciate that there are far greater injustices - I find myself slightly alienated by a world in which Suede have ascended to become alternative national treasures and nobody gives a flying toss about Dunford and co. It feels a bit personal, somehow. It requires me to accept that I'm wrong, to swallow my pride, and I still can't quite do it. World domination is too much to ask, clearly, but I'd love it if one person, just one, could find it in their heart to cherish this band half as much as I do.

Perhaps it could be you.

#bardots #eye baby #v-neck #your new favourite band #Youtube

2 notes · View notes

thesoujishow · 4 years

Conversation

S01E02 - Raimei Tsubusu

[vaporwave lo-fi song]

Souji: Testing? Hello?

Raimei: WUUUUSSSSHHGFGSHSHSHSHSHSHSHS...SSHAAAAAAAA....

Souji: Ok. There we go.

[INTRO - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Hello, and welcome to the Souji Show. I'm Souji and this is a show where I talk about anything I want. 'Cause this is my show, and not yours.

Souji: This episode is sponsored by WcDonalds! WcDonald’s wants to remind you that the most important meal of the day is breakfast. [ominously] So why would you let a morning go by without staring deeply into the mirror until you no longer recognize the face staring back at you – mimicking your every gesture, mocking your every movement?

Souji: [confused + ominous] How else will you get the energy you need for a full day’s work or recreation if you aren’t silently screaming into the visage of a person who gives you such uneasy spirit, such unshakable terror, a queasy feeling every time you make the connection between what that thing is and what you are becoming? What you have become? Where does the void end? Where do you end? When do you end? What time is it now? You’ve been crying, but for how long?

Souji: [cheerful] WcDonald’s! I’m lovin’ it.

[MAIN - glitchy transition music]

Souji: For this very special episode, we have an extra special guest. You may know her as the Violet Vendetta or the captain of the baseball clan. Everyone, give it up for Raimei Tsubusu! You look fantastic today, can you tell our listeners what you're wearing?

Raimei: My sincere apologies for the white noise that was the sound of a closing inter-dimensional portal.

Raimei: It's good to be here. And a great sacrifice on your part, Souji. Not a lot of men would have the guts to expose themselves to this level of danger. As for my attire, these are unique garbs crafted by the Lunarian Moon People, forged in the pits of the thirty-second moon crater. They have plus fifty resilience to all forms of stabbing, cutting and elemental weapons, and the shirt comes with the added benefit of granting me the unique ability: Instantaneous Gangstah Charm. With this ability, I can instantaneously cast any Gokudō spell written within the Book of Yamaguchi.

Souji: Gokudō, that's a synonym for the yakuza, right?

Raimei: Yes, it is. It means the Extreme Path, the hidden school of mysticism I and others subscribe to—one of the five routes to enlightenment, alongside the Mafioso talent tree, and Mexican Cartel Member.

Raimei: In terms of appearance, I had the most excellent designers from Gucci collaborate with the moon people to compress it all down into a pair of pearl white trousers, a tuxedo jacket, white dress shirt, and leather shoes. The Gucci Glasses of Information allow me to see in infra-red and night vision, and I've also got a watch made of platinum that tells me the timezones of all the countries on the world, the moon people's time cycle, and of course, it also dual functions as a holographic mind reader.

Raimei: Some people believe Prada is better. They are wrong.

Souji: I'm more of a thrift store kinda guy, but to each their own. I'll have to get some tips from the Lunarian Moon People on how they make clothes. Most of my clothes are custom made for my Quirk to work on them so I like to sew them myself. Does your inter-dimensional portal go to the moon as well?

Raimei: I lived in this dimension for almost three hundred years before I finally managed to make my first slip into the dream-zone, and that was nearly one hundred years ago. It isn't precisely possible to take a direct, inter-dimensional portal to the moon itself. But it is possible to reach the mirror version of it in the ninth dimension. In that dimension, the moon's where the earth is. So that solves a lot of things. Has to do with the Lunarian's Mystic Mirror view. As you probably already know, portals like these are dependent on reflections. So their mirrors make that impossible by reflecting everything back onto the earth. That's why the moon looks white. It's actually a verdant landscape, filled with grass and trees and everything. But it seems like a rock because we're just looking at a dull reflection of our own planet.

Souji: That's a very unique way to look at the moon. Shoutout to the huge unknown object that smacked the shit out of the Earth billions of years ago and gave us the moon. The sun is cool but that was the real MVP.

Souji: I gotta say, you do look very gangstah. Not to mention a holographic mind reader? Quick, what am I thinking of right now? [laugh]

Raimei: I'm... not sure if that would be appropriate for me to say. Last time I mind read a guy... didn't end well. Besides, this holographic watch would also immediately turn it into a visualization, which can be very embarrassing. So I'll spare you that. But maybe I'll show you a glimpse of my power at the end of this podcast. Sounds good?

Souji: Sounds good. Guess the listeners will just have to stay tuned and find out. Tell me Raimei, how does a multi-dimensional creature end up in Kyoranki Academy? What motivates you to become a hero?

Raimei: That's a good one. There are several reasons. I've lived for about four hundred years in total, so technically speaking, there's no reason for me to go to school. But you might've noticed that there's an expansive underground movement hidden beneath the shadows... the recent events were just one example of that. The CIA, FBI, Interpol, Europol, they're all part of it in some way, preparing for the inevitable Todeskrieg Event. All the major crime groups are getting ready for that, so we are too.

Raimei: On a different level, related to my current incarnation, I'm not unfamiliar with thrift stores either. My dad works long hours... so I want to find a way to help him. I don't know, it's not really black or white. But why Kyoranki Academy? It's one of the best schools in the country. A lot of my middle school friends didn't even get to go to high school. So I consider myself very privileged. I think that alone is motivation enough to be here.

Souji: I get what you mean about helping your family. I think that's a noble cause, Raimei. I grew up poor and mum and dad were mostly out making ends meet. The money's still my number one motivator but it makes me happy knowing that I'll make the city a little bit better for everyone living in it.

Souji: I'm excited that we finally get to go on missions. It makes you think how much far we’ve come. It’s been a crazy year and now we’re actually doing our part to be heroes. I don’t know about you but I’m excited to take down my first villain.

Raimei: I'm concerned people are going to be misinterpreting their roles in this entire thing. Based on what you said earlier, you're from a poor neighbourhood as well, right? So you know what it's like on the streets. What I'm just concerned by is that a lot of the people in our class, like, ... I watch them. I see that the majority don't have that. They don't have any street smarts, they don't know what it's like to be in that situation, to be poor... to be under the influence of junkies across the street. Yea, we've been trained, but I'm unconvinced that we've been prepared to deal with those situations.

Raimei: I think we can take down villains, sure. And there might even be a few out there we could stop. But I'm not excited about running into one; nothing is exciting about meeting someone that potentially wants to kill you. And I'm not sure we're helping the city by pushing our authority down people's throats, especially by a bunch of teenagers that have been told this is their big shot at heroism. Your local twelve-year-old marijuana seller doesn't need juvie, they need role models; good, role models that can inspire them—structural improvements to their lives, like decent food.

Raimei: You know how crazy it is that I can buy five fast-food hamburgers for the price of one piece of supermarket vegetable? If people wanna help the neighbourhood; go help out at a shelter—a soup kitchen. Hand out food; give your homeless newspaper salesman some cash to get him through the day. Japanese society is harsh, man. The second you fall out of the boat, your chances are pretty much zero. Everyone despises you. Your family ousts you. It's not fun. I know it, I've seen it in friends; how they're getting torn apart just because they're like, half-Chinese or something.

Raimei: I hope our peers just remember that when they're going out. If you're going in there guns blazing, you're just going to hurt more people than you'll save.

Souji: I get what you mean. I grew up in the middle of downtown Osaka, nothing but skyscrapers. Our high rise apartment was small, but it kept us safe from the streets. The news spoke of heroes that roamed the streets, shutting down crime wherever they went. People spoke of bright, shining icons in colourful suits, flashing cheesy grins at the camera. But only a few came to ours.

Souji: Growing up in the poor meant that at a young age, I was very cognizant of how the money would and could limit me and my life as I attempted to get to the place where I am supposed to be. Most people our age will never know about ketchup sandwiches, adding water to milk or to an empty shampoo bottle to get more shampoo. Hand-me-downs clothes, books, toys. Having a ‘candle day’ because the lights don’t work. [chuckle]

Souji: When I say to people I know downtown Osaka like it's the back of my hand, I really do mean it. I know which places to avoid during certain times of the day. You had to be street smart to survive, those are the rules of the game.

Raimei: Mhm, mhm. That's what I'm saying. I'm from the outskirts of Airin-chiku, so it's pretty much the same issue.

Souji: It's easy to get caught up in the title. A hero. Believe me, I'll admit that fame is enticing but at the end of the day, we're here to protect the whole city. Trust is a fragile thing. I think most of us in Kyoranki know that because of what happened. Villains and heroes are two sides of the same coin. We're both them in nature. Both are corrupted by the noble illusion of spreading ideas and helping others who on the 'good' side defined by them respectively. It's always been the human struggle in defining 'help' more importantly 'the others'. I don't know if I'm making sense but that's how I feel. [chuckle]

Raimei: And there's a couple of areas in between that too, mind. Not everyone's a bad guy, and not everyone's a good guy like the heroes that just pander for attention or the bad guys that are in it to support their families financially.

Souji: This Todeskrieg Event sounds interesting, what's going to happen?

Raimei: The Egyptian Pyramids. The moon landings. Global warming. Why did they happen? Did they happen? Or were these just small glimpses out of a much larger conspiracy? Why dedicate millions, tens of millions of dollars only to put a guy on the moon?

Raimei: The various gangs around the world know the answer. At least, the established ones. It's all a part of this cybernetic A.I that has kept us trapped in a virtual reality dimension, Souji. You think all of this is real, but like, do we have any proof? How can we reliably say that this isn't just...computer generated?

Souji: I'm a big arcade, video game fan so this is right up my alley. I had the same hunch as you, Raimei. The truth is that there’s much we simply don’t understand about our reality, and I think it’s more likely than not that we are in some kind of a simulated universe. Now, it’s a much more sophisticated video game than the games we produce, just like today World of Warcraft and Fortnite is way more sophisticated than Pac-Man or Space Invaders. If we develop the ability to produce even one simulated reality, we will almost certainly produce more than one.

Raimei: That's what confuses people. They think I'm going on about some sort of magical thing. But magic and science are one and the same, magic's just another way of trying to add rationality to it. And that's part of the Todeskrieg event. It's French for "Totem Pole Disaster"... it's written about in various religions. Some call it the Apocalypse, others Ragnarok ... basically the end of the world. When the simulation will be using too much data for the computer to handle.

Souji: Maybe we're just figment of imaginations and our creators are just forcing their every whim to us for fun. They're our writers, and we are their characters. Maybe they're just a bunch of roleplayers in a Discord server together? Do you hear that creator? I'm The Glitch now, a bug in your system. A disruption to the simulation.

Raimei: Based on archaeological data, humans, in our current shape and form... have existed for about two-hundred thousand years. Now, of course, imagine you're a person living in those sorts of environments. Yes, you'll be stuck most of the day, collecting food and whatever. But do you think those people were dumber than us? Of course not! They might've not had the schooling, but they had the same type of brain.

Raimei: Now, imagine that sort of situation. Okay, so, the first generation of Humans... they got it hard. The second one does as well. The third generation, well, it's a bit easier. And the fourth one... we're talking about everything within the span of a hundred years, considering people lived shorter lives.

Raimei: Now multiply that by a hundred. One hundred thousand years and they're trying to convince us that people only invented farming techniques twelve thousand years ago? It doesn't make sense. You can't convince me, people, before that time didn't... invent something. Didn't create something. Didn't create a civilization. Imagine, with our technology, with our A.I systems, our virtual reality capacities... I mean, if you're into gaming, look at the last fifty years.

Raimei: Now multiply that by four. Imagine just how bizarre that technology would be. Already, we've got games that are borderline lifelike. So how can we know that this isn't just.. some giant simulation? We can't. And we have to look at the empirical, most logical type of data. There's more evidence to suggest all of this is just a program than there is evidence to the contrary. But scientists aren't willing to recognize that.

Souji: I know! I can't believe no one is talking about this. Paranormal events like hauntings or alien encounters can be glitches in the simulation. Stuff like the Mandela Effect is supposedly proof that whoever is in charge of our simulation is changing the past. And don't get me started on Quirks! Superpowers born from radiation. You’re not going to get proof that we’re not in a simulation, because any evidence that we get could be simulated. If I were a character in a computer game, I would also discover eventually that the rules of our universe seem completely rigid and mathematical.

Souji: We’ve spent billions sending probes through outer space and should probably have found evidence of extraterrestrials by now, right? Not so fast: Aliens would likely be far more technologically advanced than we are, the thinking goes, so the fact that we haven’t located them suggests we live in a simulation they’ve figured out how to escape from. Or maybe the computer we’re in only has enough RAM to simulate one planetary civilization at a time?

Raimei: That's what we've been preparing for. The drug trade, the crime cartels, it all has to do with that.

[ASK SOUJI - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Now, let's shine the spotlight back towards the main focus of his podcast... me! Now, Raimei, it's your turn to ask me questions. C'mon, don't be shy, ask anything you'd like.

Raimei: are you sure you want to give me that sort of power? Because if I get to ask anything I like... First up, what's the deal with you and Ken? I don't want to pry into your love life, but you two looked very cosy in that meeting room.

Souji: Me and Ken? Love life? Oh, umm. I mean, umm. No, we aren't. You know. Together like that. [stammering]

Souji: We're just rivals! Yes, rivals. We started talking over the summer and we got closer during the campfire trip. Bunk buddies. Yeah, that. No love life here.

Raimei: Uh-huh. ... Bunk buddies. Well, if that's the official answer...

Souji: ...yes! Bunk buddies. That's the official answer.

Raimei: And I guess, another question is... why did you start this podcast? I'm not exactly famous or especially well-liked around the school, so I'm wondering why you're inviting someone like me to do this sort of thing.

Souji: I started this podcast because of Starlight. He's my favourite hero as you can probably tell. I always watched his talk show growing up, and it was what inspired me to enrol in Kyoranki in the first place. So this podcast is me passing it forward. I want to inspire other kids just like what Starlight did to me. One interview at the time.

Raimei: That's good. That you got a role model to follow, I mean... that you know what you want to do, and who ya wish to emulate. It's the same thing with the guys I mentioned earlier. ... Don't have plushies of them though, unfortunately.

Souji: You say the weirdest stuff in our group chat and I like it! You're interesting, zany and fun. You have a unique point of view, and having you in my show is an honour in it of itself.

Raimei: And I appreciate that about inviting me on your show I mean. Glad I could mention those frustrations I've been holding up. Don't have to go out of your way for me though, I'm okay with sticking to my own little bubble. That's just the life of a made-man. Forever in the shadows.

[Qs from the GC - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Let's move on to our audience questions! These were submitted by our classmates in our group chat. Ready?

Raimei: Yea, audience questions. I'm honestly surprised anyone finds me interesting enough to ask questions, but okay, let's go

Souji: Chia wants to know who are the special people in your life? What's something you're proud of and embarrassed by?

Raimei: Special people, huh? Well, I've got my dad. My mom ran out on us when I was little, so it has always been us versus the world. I've been going to a gym now for about... five years? And the people there are my role models, I guess. They inspired me to get into sports, like boxing. One in particular... the guy's a genuine sumo wrestler. But of the old generation? But yea, those guys have made a significant impact on me.

Souji: Haruto asks, why is your skin purple? Likewise, Ao inquires, do you know the girl who turned into a blueberry in Wonka's factory?

Raimei: As for my skin colour, ... I guess I've gotten a bit desensitized to questions like that. It's a skin mutation on my mother's side, supposedly to do with Quirks. I don't know, I always find it a bit weird to talk about. That nickname they gave me too, it's like calling someone with a darker skin pigmentation the "Black Vendetta". I mean, not that I mind. Asking about the pigmentation's no problem because it's odd. I'm just saying, it feels a bit shitty to compare me with some fucking Willy Wonka scene when like six months ago a kid got bullied out of school because people kept comparing him to a video game character; so, uh, Ao, you're cool. No hard feelings. I'm just going to subtly compare you to a fucking Star Wars Droid if you try that shit again.

Souji: Ken wants to know what you think of the recent baseball team tryout. And to that I say: we have a baseball team? Can I also try out just to beat that monkey boy?

Raimei: Yea, we got a baseball team! I mean, we got teams for nearly every popular sport, right? It's a prestigious school, after all. But we're doing our best to try for the nationals. And you're welcome to join up if you want, we can definitely use a few more clan members. As for our most recent try-out... that all depends on whether he joins up or not.

Souji: Kotoe inquires, do you play the bass?

Raimei: I don't play the bass or any other instrument.

Souji: And finally, Fumi wants to know your favourite genre of book.

Raimei: My favourite genre of books is crime novels.

[ENDING - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Well, we're nearing the end of our show, Raimei, is there anything you'd like to remind our audience, maybe plug whenever they can find you online? Maybe some tips on how to prepare for the Todeskrieg Event?

Raimei: I had an excellent time Souji. Thanks for inviting me. As for preparations, the people can make for the Todeskrieg Event, consider this a bit of an unofficial announcement; we are in fact a highly secretive group. But we, that being me and a few other highly skilled individuals steeped knee-deep in the criminal underground, decided to create a sparring group a few months ago. A fighting ring, as it were.

Raimei: There's no real focus on anything other than fighting a lot, gaining that sort of experience. I don't really bother with rankings or who's best or whatever either, I mean, my choice to just not participate in that tournament should prove of that. So there's no ego thing going on. Whether ya win or lose, it's all good. It's like a clan...But our meetings are sorta irregular, so you can still be part of another, like how I'm still in the baseball clan.

Raimei: As for the best way to contact me, all the usual underground channels work.

Souji: You've been pretty cool to talk to, so before you leave, I have a special surprise just for you. But don't forget, you promised to show me a glimpse of your power.

Raimei: And I did promise to show you a sample of my hidden, mystical power, didn't I? Alright- I'll try and make sure to contain it so that we don't blow up this entire office.

[sounds of moving chairs]

[sound of an 80s disco beat from silly cartoons transformation scenes]

Raimei: Ultra-Mobster, transformation! Percentage; three hundred!

Raimei: Yamaguchi-Gumi spell; Fifty-Five! Gokudō code, page three. Entering heat mode. Specialized skill; DISROBE.

[sounds of thunder]

Raimei: Looks like I got a new favourite shirt. Thanks, Glitch.

Souji: What a way to end the show! [applause]

Souji: Well listeners, if the world does turn out to be just a simulation, remember to make the most of it. Make a point of seeing some good in every day. Drop your resentments. We all have them. Make every day count. The end of the world is coming but until then, to keep up with the show follow me @thesoujishow, and to support my small clothing business, follow @glitchgear on all social media platforms. Once again, this has been Raimei Tsubusu and Souji Yoshihiro, and you’ve been listening to the Souji Show! A show where I talk about anything I want. 'Cause this is my show, and not yours. Until next time. Insert catchphrase here.

[vaporwave lo-fi song]

[EXTRAS - glitchy transition music]

Souji: If you listen to this podcast, chances are you go to Kyoranki Academy. Kido Kotoe is looking for a bass player for her band. So if any of you are interested, please contact her at [Kotoe's school email].

0 notes