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dramaticviolincrescendo · 3 years

Note

Okay, what are your thoughts on Ian's relationships? With his family, his boyfriends, and Mandy (since I think that's the only friend he's had)

Oh, no. Ohhhhhhhh, no. Now you’ve done it. You’ve asked about my dear, darling favorite character on the show. My love for one Ian Gallagher runs deep, which means this answer is going to run super long. The good, the bad, and everything in between—Ian Gallagher lives rent free in my brain and always will. I derive so much satisfaction from seeing Ian interact with other people, in whatever capacity that might be. I admire and aspire to the compassion he has shown for others over the years, even and perhaps most especially those who arguably haven’t earned it. He tries so hard to be good to people, and seeing their love for him manifest when he’s reached such lows where he can’t even fathom why the love of his life would want to be with him forever? That’s powerful.

So, yeah. I said I could write essays on these characters, and that’s exactly what you’re about to get: five hours and 6k words’ worth of my thoughts. (I am so sorry. There will be text walls.)

Let’s dive into Ian’s many and multifaceted relationships—his family, his friends, and his romantic pursuits.

Ian and Family

Ian told us where he stood on this in the very first season, and it set the standard for his character for eleven years to come. Faced with a prospect that others in his position could only dream of—not being Frank’s son and having a wealthy father with a functional, prosperous lifestyle mere miles away—Ian refused to buy into it. He refused to do what might have been objectively better for his future by seeking a relationship with Clayton. In that household, he would have had access to a better public school, more financial resources, a tutor to help him where he was struggling, and less urgency for him to work so that he could enjoy being a kid. When he got sick, he would have had access to better healthcare, too. Perhaps he would have had a better shot at West Point from that background than he did at home. But that’s just it: home was with his family, and he was very clear that they didn’t live in that nice house. All he wanted—all he wanted—was to be with his brothers and sisters. He has never referred to them as only half-siblings or half-cousins; he has never even used the words, “you’re not my dad,” on Frank. That’s his family, the people he loves most in the world, and he’s always been at his best when he’s with them and at his worst when he’s not. Let’s look at each of them:

1. Frank: It is so striking to me that Ian doesn’t appear to hold the outright contempt for Frank that Fiona, Lip, and Debbie have exhibited at different points over the years. Aside from the handful of instances where they’ve gotten into physical altercations (which Frank always initiated) and kicking him out of the house on occasion, Ian is simply indifferent to him. But there are these moments, these brief glimmers of mutual attachment and loyalty, if those are the right words. In the scene where Ian famously doesn’t count to three before using the pepper spray on him, Frank starts saying how his New Gallaghers weren’t his real kids—that Ian is his real son, and Frank is his real father. It’s a passing thought uttered while trying to manipulate his way into the house that neither of them think much of, nor does the audience…until you remember that biologically, Frank isn’t his father, and he certainly hasn’t behaved like one either. Ian has more right than anyone to comment on that, but he doesn’t because Frank is his father. He’s the father that Ian idly hoped wouldn’t come to his wedding yet sat joking about with Debbie rather than getting pissed off that he was making out with some lady in front of everyone. He’s the father who sat at the table with them eating breakfast in 11x03 and claimed Mickey was the man in their relationship without Ian saying a word to him about it, and who Ian saw no issue with taking Franny to school when no one else could. In s4, as far removed from his family as he’d been for a while, Ian still went straight to the hospital when he heard that Frank was at death’s door. We focus so much on his attitude towards Monica because of how obvious it was that we frequently miss these tiny moments and their implications. It would take an awful lot of patience, compassion, and love not to write Frank off completely after all he’s done. Not necessarily our standard definition of love between a son and his father, perhaps, but a loving soul.

2. Monica: I have actually written a pretty lengthy post about his relationship with her because while their shared mental illness definitely plays a role in his feelings toward her, that grew complicated far earlier than his diagnosis. The first time we meet her, we see that he has a visceral reaction to news of her presence. He runs. When Ian can’t process strong emotions, that’s what he’s done in the past. I happened upon an interview Cameron did just after the end of s1 where he mentioned something I had already been thinking: Ian’s age when Monica left is extremely important. He was a kid in s1, but one who could roll with the punches, sometimes literally. She left them two years before that. Ian would have been in middle school, roughly as old as Debbie was when she still called Frank “daddy” and forgave him for everything he did. It’s an awkward age that once again set Ian in something of a danger zone—too old to accept an excuse or no explanation at all, but not old enough to process the situation in a healthy way. And then she’s back all of a sudden with no warning. Ian doesn’t cry like Debbie, and he doesn’t typically get explosively angry like Fiona. He can’t deal, so he runs. He hangs back. He only speaks when he has to and compartmentalizes: Monica wants to take Liam, and they need to stop her. It doesn’t have to be about her leaving. They have a goal—he can focus on that. And then she’s back a year later, saying she’s here to stay while Fiona seems to take her at her word and Lip isn’t there to ground everyone. Ian tries so hard to behave like Lip would with his biting sarcasm and attempts to stay emotionally distant in a way that seemed pretty exaggerated for Ian, but he’s also dealing with a fresh wave of guilt over Mickey going to juvie—and Monica gets it. She’s the only person to acknowledge that he’s in pain and actively try to make it better. She’s the only one who really knows at the time, but that hardly matters. This poor kid, whose mother left him when he still needed her, has her standing in front of him and saying she’s sorry and listening when he speaks and taking him dancing—just the two of them. Embarrassing as it was and harmful as it could have been, she tried to facilitate his dreams when no one else wanted him to go into the military. She was there for him when he went AWOL. She came for him when he was arrested and even wanted to make a place for him in her new life, unrealistic as it was. This goes so much deeper than them both being bipolar. Ian’s comment about her parachuting into their lives in s7 wasn’t about Mickey or her role in them breaking up. He trusted her. He wanted her. He needed her. And she’d convinced him that she would be there—until she left. Over and over again. She was there for him and unintentionally took advantage of how desperately he still needed his mother. She made him keep loving her, and that’s both a blessing that has him crying into a voluminous man’s arms when she passes and a curse that wrecked him more than once.

3. Fiona: The trust these two have for each other cannot be understated. Fiona has discussed things with Ian that she never brought up around any of the other kids throughout the entire series. In the pilot episode, she tells him about feeling needed and takes his opinion on the matter to heart. At the end of the season, he’s the one she talks to about the car because she can trust him to give her an answer even without speaking. In s2, she tells Lip that the two of them are her rocks, and we see that time and time again. That’s part of what makes their falling out over the church hit that much harder: it’s Ian and Fiona. The only time they’d been on the outs in any serious manner up to that point was when Ian was adjusting to his new reality and they were trying to find a balance between sister and caretaker. Otherwise, that bond of trust had never been severed—not until Ian literally sold himself only for it to amount to nothing in the end because she had no idea the lengths to which he’d gone to get that building. That damage gets mended, thankfully, but what a powerful period of time when those two were the only ones who’d never really been at each other’s throats. There is a downside to that trust, though. As I mentioned before, Ian was so responsible and put together when he was younger that Fiona didn’t think twice about his situation with Ned or that he ran away. Not even seventeen yet, and she was telling Debbie that she didn’t like his decision to leave but trusted him. That is one of the things I love about this show—even something like trust that we always prop up as an important factor in our relationships can betray us in the most unexpected ways.

4. Lip: I won’t go into it here, but the relationship they share is something that means a lot to me on a personal level. It’s part of how I knew that Ian would become my favorite character pretty early on. The way he simultaneously admires and envies Lip, loves and is annoyed by him, relies on him and is desperate to pave his own path in the world—what a beautiful and accurate depiction of what it means to be a younger sibling. Lip is the first person to discover that he’s gay and openly accept him for it. (I think what he tried with Karen came from a well-meaning place even if it was horribly, horribly misguided.) Lip is the one who tries to get him into West Point, hate it as he does. He helps Ian when Terry is after him, takes care of him in the aftermath of the wedding when he realizes just how deeply Ian feels for Mickey, searches the whole damn city for him when he finds out that Ian is in trouble, gets him a job, leans on him in his own time of need… He’s not perfect. He slips up, just like Ian does. Some things break my heart, like Lip insisting that he’s earned his own space when his little brother is asking him for safe harbor or Ian thanking him for being his brother outside the prison. But they love each other so much, and I just… I can’t possibly put into words how much I love their dynamic.

5. Debbie, Carl, and Liam: I’m grouping these three together because they’re further separated from Ian in age, so we see a lot of the same trends with them as a whole. Ian loves taking care of people. We know this. We also know that Fiona and Lip don’t typically want him taking care of them—they’re the ones who take care of him when he needs it, specifically Lip. With the younger three, however, Ian can be the Big Brother. He can shake his head in utter bafflement at Debbie’s obsession with holding her breath for two minutes, walk Carl through what he needs to go camping, and promise his baby brother postcards when he leaves. The difference here is that his relationship with them is so much less fraught with conflict. We don’t see him fight with Debbie, Carl, or Liam the way he has with Fiona or Lip. While Ian tends to be the voice of reason during conflicts overall, I think it’s also because he relies on his older siblings in a way that he doesn’t with his younger siblings, and the latter don’t tend to rely on him as much as Fiona or Lip as well. There’s a lack of tension in most of their interactions growing up because that pressure isn’t there. Perhaps this is where Ian’s age and standing in the family is a bit more beneficial: young enough to have people he can rely on while too young for anyone to really rely on him for more than his share of the squirrel fund.

Ian and Friends

I’ve seen it mentioned that Ian (and Mickey) not having more friends is bad or lazy writing. I tend to believe that that fails to take something into account that, admittedly, most of us don’t really have to think about: having friends is a luxury. It requires time and effort to cultivate friendships, especially lasting ones. As a kid, Ian spent a lot of his free time working or helping to manage one family crisis after another. Going AWOL, losing his health, struggling to acclimate to his illness, trying to find a new career path, spiraling into the Gay Jesus movement, going to prison, adjusting once again to normal life, getting married, a pandemic… I’m sure he’s had plenty of acquaintances over the years, but having a family to support and constant upheavals would have made it extremely difficult to really forge strong relationships with them. I think that’s part of what makes his relationship with Mandy so special and valuable to him: she’s sort of the same way.

When we met Mandy in s1, she had other friends. We saw her meet up with them and go shopping; she told Ian a story about how one was mad at her for not sharing her make-up. As the trauma in the Milkovich household reached its zenith for her in s2 and she started thinking seriously about getting out of there, we saw those friends fall by the wayside—all except Ian. He saw her and let her see him early on. That’s a level of trust and respect that nobody else in their neighborhood would have displayed, certainly not to her. But then there’s this guy who defended her against their creepy, perverted teacher and treated her like a human being, not an object. It’s no wonder she developed an obvious, unrequited crush and sought physical comfort from him occasionally. It’s no wonder she tried to repay the favor by giving Mickey a hard time in s3 and s4, misguided and rather uninformed as we know it was at the time. (It’s also no wonder that she went for the closest Gallagher to Ian, either, but that’s for another meta.)

And Ian… Ian is loyal to a fault. We have watched Ian cut out his own heart and let the blood drip down his arm to pool on the floor at his feet if it would make a damn bit of difference for the people he loves. Like Fiona and Lip, Mandy immediately accepted him for who he is and suggested an arrangement that would protect him as well as benefit her. That is enormous where they came from. To him, that had to feel like the ultimate sign of friendship: he could trust her with a part of him that he hadn’t even entrusted to most of his family yet. From that point on, she was on the List of People Ian Gallagher Would Do Anything For. Finding out about Terry and what had happened? He held a bake sale, of all things, to fundraise for her. Seeing that his brother—his best friend—was treating her like garbage? He put him in his place. Her boyfriend was beating her? He brought her home and made it his goal to find a safe place for her to stay, even if it ultimately didn’t work. She was going to move away from all of her meager support with that boyfriend? He didn’t just rally his own arguments—he brought in outside help with Lip, who he thought might tip the scales. It’s usually just a saying that true friends will help each other hide a body, but Ian literally tried to do that. Lucky for him, he has a good head on his shoulders and used it.

No, Ian doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends. We’ve seen that he has spheres of influence, if you will, and acquaintances that he can call upon when he needs them. (For example, the guys that helped with the preacher.) However, Ian has always struck me as a “quality over quantity” type of person. Being a soldier or an EMT isn’t lucrative, but they’re meaningful for someone who sees them as vehicles for helping people. Seeing more parts of the world than just Chicago has appealed to him in the past, but he seems perfectly content to carve out a spot for himself right here at home. Having only three best friends—Lip, Mandy, and Mickey—doesn’t seem like much of a hardship for him.

Ian and Romantic Pursuits

I hate to say that there were five, but from Ian’s perspective, there were. So, let’s talk about all five. Even though…there weren’t five. There was only one. We’ll save the best for last.

1. Kash: The first of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. I hope it goes without saying that I hate this man with the passion of a thousand burning suns. I hate him so much. However, their interactions taught me a whole lot about how kind and compassionate Ian really is—and how naïve. Of course, he would believe that Kash loved him. The man was buying him all sorts of expensive gifts, and that’s what we see on all the commercials and in so many movies, isn’t it? Grand gestures of affection through expensive gifts. Poor as they were, Ian still scraped together the money to buy him baseball tickets and CDs, convinced as he was that that was all part of what you did in a relationship. That desire to do things like a “normal” married couple in s11? Yeah, that starts here. Ian has always been a planner, and he’s always bought into certain stereotypes. We can see that here. What we can also see is Ian’s compassionate, kind, loving soul. He cares so deeply for other people, even ones that he doesn’t know very well, especially if they are living in circumstances that mean something to him. (For example, the mentally ill woman they tried to help at work and the shelter kids whose situations were so similar to Mickey’s.) Kash being a closeted gay man living in misery with a wife he didn’t love and two children he never meant to have clearly tugged at Ian’s heartstrings. Even after everything that happens, even though Ian behaves as though they’re awkward exes who just happen to work together, he still covers for Kash. He gives him that head start and takes it upon himself to break the news to Linda that he’s gone. He defends Kash to Lip when the latter finally says exactly what we all know: he was a pedophile who deserved to rot in prison for what he did. As with Fiona’s trust, Ian’s loving soul, compassionate heart, and desire for love outside his siblings are virtues that have done him harm in the past. This is one such instance.

2. Ned: The second of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. To be honest, I don’t believe that Ian would even characterize it that way. He seemed very aware that Ned was a distraction from his problems—from Mickey being in juvie, Monica falling into a depressive episode, the money in the squirrel fund being gone, Lip moving out, losing his shot at West Point, and getting denied for service due to his age. Again, though, Ian has always wanted to feel valued, and this rich dude was letting him stay in a fancy hotel room with anything he wanted readily available. This (disgusting predator) guy was giving him attention and a distraction with no strings attached. Then the complications roll in, and he’s once again faced with being the mistress to a closeted, married man. The difference here is that he’s not comfortable with it. He tries to tell Fiona twice, which is enormous for Ian when he has never been very good at communicating if it means burdening others with or even merely facing his own problems. But he tries to tell her. He rejects the GPS unit and tells Ned that he has a boyfriend, boxing him into a strictly sexual arrangement. (This, unfortunately, makes sense. It aligns with how Fiona viewed things: where Jimmy was concerned about it, she told him that it was “just sex.”) He is also visibly embarrassed to admit to Lip and Fiona what has been going on with Ned. By that point, Ian is a year and a half older and, while still scarred and warped in his views because of Kash, perhaps a bit wiser. Emotionally, he kept Ned at arm’s length most of the time. He used Ned not just as a distraction, but as a way to galvanize Mickey into taking their relationship a step forward. But Ian is still Ian, and Ian is compassionate to a fault. Ned played that card by asking if he could have a little understanding for a man whose life was falling apart. Sure, he can. He’s Ian, the Gallagher too empathetic for his own good at times. We know how that spirals out of control. It just goes to show that even when Ian was trying to maintain some emotional distance, his heart is simply too big and his perceptions too heavily impacted by the grooming he’d experienced with two different people by then, and so he [SPOILER ALERT] still feels enough of a connection to Ned after all these years to be mildly bothered that he passed away.

3. Caleb: The third of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. Ian’s relationship with Caleb strikes me as being similar to what he had with Ned. While more age-appropriate, Ian was very much using Caleb, just as Caleb was using him. That’s why it was so easy for both of them to walk away. Ian was in a difficult spot when they met. He was grateful to the firefighters who saved his life, but he had also just saved someone else at a moment when he was perhaps at his absolute lowest. That’s what he’s always wanted, isn’t it—to be a bit of a hero and help people? So, he’s understandably drawn there, first out of gratitude and then to be surrounded by very attractive gay firemen who helped people, saved his life, and invited him to be part of a function they were holding. But he made himself pretty clear from the start: he was interested in sex with Caleb. That was the draw. He still hasn’t come to terms with being bipolar and losing Mickey, but Ian has never not been with anyone for any extended length of time. That’s just who he is: he’s always sought some level of outward validation—from the army, Kash, Monica, Mickey, and so many others. We’re seeing him struggle with that now as he deals with the opportunities available to him as a mentally ill ex-con felon. So, he pursues Caleb as a distraction just like he did with Ned, only Caleb is a predator in his own right and can smell that his interest is coming from a place of weakness. He immediately (and initially unintentionally) preys on Ian’s desperate need for structure and order by insisting on a traditional date where Ian is very much out of his element and even goes so far as to instruct Ian on how to be intimate. It’s no wonder he mentions Mickey in these moments, as Mickey never wanted him to change, and Ian leans heavily (even slightly hyperbolically) into the fact that Mickey wasn’t a paragon of order and stability like Caleb outwardly appears.

And I think why Ian puts up with it so long—being taught like a child, being used to upset Caleb’s parents, being paraded in front of his friends to make them jealous—is because he was getting something out of it too, just like with Ned. A stable place to live when their home ownership was in flux, a place away from his family when they weren’t providing the support he needed as he adjusted to his disorder, someone who validated his desires to help people regardless of their ulterior motives, and a physical distraction from his own problems. All of these parallel his relationship with Ned very closely. It was never going to last, of course. Ian is a strong person who temporarily forgot how strong he was because he forgot who he was, and Caleb didn’t want to be cared for—he wanted a project, like all of his sculptures. Being a project, being something that others see as needing to be fixed? That’s a hard no for Ian. It always has been. There’s a moment I love later in their relationship where Caleb tells him to turn off the lights when he goes out and lightly reprimands him for leaving one on the day prior. Ian is in a better place at that point, having regained a lot of his sense of self, and stares after him with indignation at being treated like a kid. He’s then lied to and cheated on, but I think that to mention those things to Caleb when they break up is to admit weakness on his own part—that he stuck with Caleb knowing that he was being mistreated, and Ian is not one to be called a victim. So, while we know from his discussions with Lip and Sue that the cheating and distrust bothered him most, he merely focused on Caleb lying about his sexuality, which removed a lot of the emotion from the situation—just like he did with Ned. It ultimately turned out to be a bad move since Caleb, being a skilled predator, made him question even his own sexuality in return, but we’re starting to see that Ian isn’t here to be someone’s toy anymore. Not an older, married man like Ned, but definitely not anyone his age either. I’m glad this pseudo-relationship happened because it showed Ian how strong he really was and that he could be in control of his own life. Sure, it destabilized him a little in the aftermath, but he worked through it. He leaned on his family, specifically Lip, who has always been his rock without the blurred lines that Fiona represented between sister/mother-figure/caretaker. Caleb is a garbage person, but Ian was the one who pulled the treasure from the trash, not him.

4. Trevor: The fourth of Ian’s perceived romantic pursuits that really wasn’t. Trevor is perhaps the first relationship where we don’t see Ian dive in. Whether that’s because of his confusion over Trevor’s gender identity or the fact that he was really beginning to fully mature as an adult by that point (ostensibly finishing his education, getting a career, being fully self-sufficient, etc.), he tried to take his time and not jump right in. They hung out, talked around the neighborhood, and yes, engaged in some casual intimacy at the club. Again, Ian might not be in a full relationship, but he’s never without someone for long. At that point in the series, all he was missing was a relationship when it comes to traditional, “normal” goals for people to have. But Trevor posed a situation he’s never been in before since, while gay himself, Ian has never been very interested in activism or engaging in the LGBT community. It’s just not in his culture or environment, so to be faced with someone he’s interested in that challenges a lot of his views of gender and sexuality is something he takes his time with. Unfortunately, Trevor is younger than him and not quite as mature, not quite as experienced. He tells Ian he has plenty of friends and doesn’t need another, which is an ultimatum that has never really sat very well with me personally because I’m generally of the mind that if a person needs time and you really care for them, you’ll let them have that time. I’m not unsympathetic to Trevor: he’s been burned before and has his own trauma stemming from responses to his identity, so it makes complete sense for him not to be patient in this regard. He shouldn’t have to be—but then, Ian shouldn’t have to rush into anything he’s not 100% certain he wants either. That’s exactly what he does, though, because Ian does for others without thinking of the implications for himself a lot of the time. They make great friends, but they don’t make great partners. Trevor treats Ian similarly to Caleb in that he’s a bit of a project. Trevor educates him on the LGBT community and incorporates him into his ventures for the shelter without ever really showing much interest in Ian’s life or family, which suits Ian just fine because for as interested as he is in helping with the shelter and as attracted to Trevor as he is, he seems to know they’re not compatible. Ian, who has been having sex since he was far too young, takes a step back from it when they run into compatibility issues. (And pushes back on the pressure to bottom with some of his own—neither of them were in the right on that.) He doesn’t ask much about Trevor’s family or try to be part of his personal life. They sort of embody the “friends with benefits” stereotype: they hang out, they have sex, and that’s really all there is to their relationship.

The reason Ian doubles down on trying to make it work isn’t because there was a future for them before Mickey broke out. It’s because he thinks he’s lost Mickey forever, he knows he’s lost Monica forever, and he’s not going to get the support he needs from his family when they couldn’t stand Monica and Fiona told him what he already knew to be true, namely that Mickey being an escaped convict would destroy everything Ian worked so hard for if he got involved. So, he does what Ian does. He needs that distraction—he needs to run from these strong emotions he can’t process, so he bottles them up and unfairly hopes that Trevor will provide some of that comfort after cheating on him with Mickey. (Had Mickey been released, I think they would have broken up. Instead, that was the first match Ian lit, but certainly not the last.) Now, the thing is, Trevor said at the start that he didn’t want to be Ian’s friend. He’s also younger and less mature in a relationship, which means he threw the concept of love out there prematurely, just like Ian thought what he had with Kash was love. The death throes of their relationship were a back and forth where Ian was spiraling and seeking comfort, and Trevor was providing some while keeping their relationship pretty amorphous. (Were they exes? Were they friends? Were they people who shared interests and danced around each other? Were they going to get back together? They never officially broke up—it fizzled and resurged, then fizzled for good.) Ultimately, whatever it was that they had couldn’t survive Mickey, Monica, or Gay Jesus. Trevor wasn’t prepared to deal with a full-blown manic episode, and based on his hands-off approach with involving himself in Ian’s life even before the Mickey-shaped bomb got dropped on them, it doesn’t seem like he really wanted to anyway. He did what he’s always done: prioritized his shelter, which I’m not deriding in the slightest. By that point, Ian was too far gone to care that he disappeared anyway. Had the situation been different and he was getting the support from his family that he needed, it doesn’t seem like he would have cared much there either.

5. Mickey: Finally. Only took over five thousand words to get here. I’ll preface this with something that anyone who knows me from other fandoms is already well aware of, namely that I don’t do romance. Ever. Never been interested. The relationships I’ve always been most passionately interested in are platonic ones, especially “found families” and siblings, which is probably obvious from the other five thousand words here. Ian and Mickey are the first relationship I’ve actively shipped or written for in a fandom. They’re the first I’ve been invested in to this extent. As such, one of the biggest pet peeves I had when I first joined this fandom was the saying, “Ian fell first, Mickey fell harder.” These two wonderful dumbasses face planted on the concrete in front of the Kash and Grab in s1 and never recovered. I could go on forever about these two, but that particular wall of text would probably be too daunting for even the most avid Gallavich stan to traverse, so I’ll keep it fairly brief. As we can see above, Ian has a very strict sense of what he “should” want in a partner. Someone who is moderately successful in their chosen field, makes enough money to at least live comfortably, and typically does something that helps other people (a doctor, a fireman, a youth counselor). These aren’t passionate people. They’re not men who operate on instinct the way most of the people in his life have always had to by virtue of their social standing. They have life goals and opportunities that he envies, and Ian has a great deal of compassion for them when they hit a roadblock or things don’t work out. The amazing dichotomy of Ian Gallagher is that he straddles a line most people can’t between the rough neighborhood that has instilled in him all of his values/behaviors and the middle-class mentality of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and aspiring to more. Ian has always aimed for what Lip said wasn’t possible for poor people: being successful without having to scam or steal. But as I said way back at the beginning of this manifesto, the South Side is his home. His family is his family. And none of the people he’s been with personify the South Side quite like Mickey—they don’t personify home like Mickey.

And I think that’s where the initial draw for Ian is. (I’m going to focus on Ian’s side since he’s who your question focused on.) The other guys look great on paper, and Ian’s brain says that that’s what he should aim for. We know better, though. We know that Ian has an enormous heart that belongs first and foremost to his family and their home. His heart says that this person—this dirty, rude, mean, violent person—is home. His heart says this person is everything about himself that he denies having, just like Ian was everything about Mickey that the latter declined to openly acknowledge for so long. I don’t like relationships built on “making each other better.” I really don’t. The wonderful thing about this is that it’s never been that way. Ian didn’t change Mickey. He’s exactly who he’s always been, but he’s grown past the fear of his own emotions and Terry’s response to them. He’s still a thief, a con artist, violent, and rude. Mickey didn’t change Ian either. He’s still rigidly conforming to certain stereotypes of what he thinks he should want, seeking structure (to his own detriment at times), and not a great communicator. The point for them is that they complement each other, not that they make the other a better person—not even that they bring something out of each other that wasn’t already there. That’s what Ian’s other relationships did. They made him shave off his edges so that he could fit a square peg into a round hole, and that’s not happiness. It’s simply what he thought he was supposed to do—what “normal” people did.

With Mickey, he doesn’t have to worry so much about what is normal or acceptable. He doesn’t have to worry about whether or not his life is objectively “on track,” not until fairly recently. Mickey is the only person he’s ever been with who has accepted him for who he is, faults and strengths alike, without the underlying insinuation that he should be aiming for something else or pretending to be whatever the other person needs him to be in order to care for them. Kash needed an escape—Ian provided it. Ned needed a very specific brand of toy—Ian played that role. Caleb needed a project to feel fulfilled—Ian went along with it for a bit. Trevor needed someone who accepted him as he was but did things his way—Ian did that. To care for Mickey has only ever meant being himself because all Mickey ever really needed was him. Mickey didn’t need an escape from his home—his relationship with his family is more complicated than that. Mickey didn’t need to be saved from his upbringing—it’s what made him the person Ian fell in love with and who he is happy to be. Mickey didn’t need someone to change who he is on a fundamental level because unless it is going to get him into trouble and separate them, Ian never wanted him to. (Even then, it’s about what he does, not who he is.) And yes, I’m sure that there’s a level of excitement that Ian finds exhilarating where Mickey is concerned, but I tend to believe it goes a lot deeper than that. What he finds exciting about Mickey is what Mickey embodies about the South Side—about home. About his own upbringing, but also Ian’s. About Frank and Monica, his siblings, school, work, ROTC—existing and surviving in an environment where it’s not guaranteed that you’ll have money to keep the heat on this winter or feed your family. They spent the early seasons living in a constant state of fight or flight. They couldn’t afford not to. And there’s excitement in that. Look at how many people say that the first seasons are their favorite! There hasn’t been a huge shift in the quality or direction of the writing, just the trajectory of the characters. They’ve gotten older, and their problems have been different. It’s not about survival so much of the time anymore, but those are the storylines that excite us. For Ian, that exhilaration in the constant battle of survival in their neighborhood is sewn into the fiber of his being just like it is Mickey’s. He saw his home in Mickey before they truly fell in love, and when that followed, Mickey became home.

In Conclusion

Ian has spent his entire life looking for the “right” path only to realize that it was laid before him: his family, his small circle of friends, and Mickey. I love that that is coming full circle this season, where [SPOILER ALERT] marriage has almost made him regress a bit to that place where there must be a right way of doing things going forward, and slowly but surely, we’re seeing him loosen up.

Good morning. It’s Ian Gallagher loving hours.

#shameless #ian gallagher #it's ian gallagher loving hours #shameless meta #well that took six hours #and I didn't get more writing done #but I feel accomplished

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mimik-u · 3 years

Text

“Fragments” Thoughts:

I already know this episode is going to give me psychic damage because it starts with Greg and Bismuth looking woefully at the damaged van before the camera pans out to Steven staring depressively from the porch.

ARGH, PEARL BLAMING STEVEN FLR THE WRECK. I MEAN, YEAH, IT WAS TECHNICALLY HIS FAULT, BUT ALSO, PEARL, HE IS OBVIOUSLY TRAUMATIZED AND IN NEED OF HELP??? LIKE????????????

This is the worst take from Pearl I’ve heard in a long ass time, lmao. (But okay, I actually don’t think it’s the take itself but the accusatory tone. It’s not what Steven needs rn.)

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Oh, God. Steven slows the Gems down so they can’t catch up to him. 😭😭

“So... what you’re saying is that you’re here for a REMATCH.” JEIDODJSJSJSSJSJSJS. JASPER, I LOVE YOU.

Oh, my go d. The background of the sky after Jasper and Steven leave the cave. That is absolutely gorgeous.

Jasper openly admitting that she channels her anger and power into her fists is honestly pretty emotionally vulnerable. It contextualizes all her fighting; she’s angry all the time.

Oh, noooooooo. Don’t take advice from Jasper, Steven. Idoesjjsdjjdns, she has the emotional processing skills of a spoon.

Steven immediately kissing the tree he just punched is so good. I love this boy.

JASPER ATTACKING THE GRASS AGAIN DJDIDIEODODODODDIIDDIDIDIDIDIDJDJ.

She’s literally just a big ass cat who lives in a cave. A Warrior Cat if you would.

Haha, I’ll see myself out.

“Quit helping the local ecosystem recover!” KWOEODDJNDJDJSJS

Jasper harshly throwing Steven to the ground takes me straight back to what we learned from “Growing Pains.” 😭 God, if this boy gets so much as a scraped knee anymore, I’ll be thinking about that episode in hindsight.

Jasper goading Steven into fighting... this is a dangerous game. All her opponents (who haven’t been fusions) have largely been weaker in her. This is her literally going up the equivalent of a powerful god. And when your modus operandi is to fight and fight and fight without caring who you hurt or if you get hurt, well, those are the only two logical consequences that remain.

“Lesson One: Stop smiling!” WJDIDIDIIDDIJDJD.

“But I’ve seen you smile?” EJEIXIDX, OH NO SHE FUCKING JUST KICKS HIM. Priyanka Maheswaran’s voice is just going to play in my head now every time Steven is roughly handled like Professor Oak telling me that there’s a time and place for riding my bike but now now.

OH, THE RISING SUN BACKGROUND. THE CREWNIVERSE IS POPPING OFF THIS EPISODE.

Training montage!!

GOD, JASPER’S JUST ENGAGING WITH HIM SO VIOLENTLY. I CAN’T.

DROPPING HUGE ASS ROCKS ON HIM.

JAJDJDJS, Jasper kicking him out of the cave during the night.

The boy builds himself a little lean-to!!!

OH, the slow-mo of Jasper using her Sonic power while Steven nyooms past her is so good.

ARGH, Steven’s been out here so long that he’s growing stubble. He’s genuinely just up and disappeared for days.

BUFF FUCKING STEVEN?????????????

JOCK S T EVNE?

I CAN’T COMPUTE

OH, MY GOD IT’S JUST BEEN THREE DAYS.

Jasper being low key proud of the little asshole she’s making, lmaoooooo

Steven kissing his muscles KEIDJSJSJS. “I didn’t teach you that.”

Ugh, omg, and even the thunderstorm backdrop is gorgeous. Wow.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find a good rock around here.” AWiekdidjdjejsjsijsj

The shot of Jasper’s hair blowing before she smirks a little to herself is really beautiful. 😭

Steven sustaining a direct blow to the head from Jasper’s helmet reminds me of that other time he sustained a direct blow to the head from Jasper’s helmet. 😭😭

Steven laughing maniacally as he gains the upper hand in battle is so distressing on, like, so many fucking levels 😭

“I’ve sent so many messages, but he hasn’t replied.” :((

“Steven! Where have you been?” / “We’ve looked everywhere for you.” It’s the cracks in both of their voices that undo me. 😭

I WAS SPOILED ON THE FACT THAT HE SHATTERED HER, BUT MY GOD, THE SIGHT OF HER SHARDS IN HIS PALM IS VISCERAL.

GO D.

“Jasper, I’m sorry... please, come back.”

JASPER FUCKING BOWING TO HIM

“MY DIAMOND.”

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FU

I’m unwell.

#Jasper #steven universe #s: future #mimiku

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consumedkings-archive · 3 years

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"you and i are not finished" + dealer's choice xx

jkdhfksad!! tysm angel, i had just the best time writing this little blurb (ꈍᴗꈍ)

john/elliot + “you and i are not finished” » pre-ancient names! ~500 words

send me a prompt (or two!) and a couple and i’ll write a little blurb!

There were always consequences.

The troubling thing about it was that they hadn’t hit yet—Elliot was waiting for the fall, for the crash, for the impending doom-and-gloom-impact that would surely bring her to heel. But the adrenaline just kept pumping, like someone had hit cruise control on her brain, like nothing mattered anymore.

And maybe, outside of the things like Get Joey and Get Boomer and Get Out, that was true.

“Hello, Deputy Honeysett.”

Oh, there they were. Those pesky “consequences”. The residual after-effects of leaving her radio on her person, of not chucking the damn thing the first chance she got—but if she needed to, she could always get another. She just couldn’t think with all the chatter, all the time.

“I’ve been reading up on you; I like your name. Elliot Savannah Honeysett. Sugar-sweet.”

The voice crackled over the radio, slick and iridescent, pleasantly venomous. As she leaned up against the back wall of the building and fussed with the ammo, she tried to tune the sound out and pay attention to the things that mattered—footsteps, voices, any incoming danger, but it was near impossible given the static noise.

“You’re causing quite a bit of trouble where aren’t supposed to be, aren’t you?”

She reached down, yanking the walkie off of her hip and pressing down on the talk button, hoping she’d break it and knowing she wouldn’t.

“Yeah,” she snipped out. “Frustrating, isn’t it?”

The radio went blissfully silent for a minute; she hissed around the sting of a fresh wound the ruffles of the metal wall kept digging into and settled the shotgun more comfortably in her lap.

“On the contrary,” John replied, and she thought she could hear him biting the words out, “I think it’s cute, the way you’re showing off, like you haven’t got a single—”

“You’ve clearly never been told to shut the fuck up before.” She came to a stand, peeking her head out around the corner to find that the area was as empty as she’d thought it was at first. “And anyway, if you think I’m cute now, just wait until we meet face to face, John. Johnny? Jonathan.”

Silence reigned supreme for another few seconds, before he started again, “You’re lucky I haven’t gotten my hands on y—”

“No, baby,” Elliot replied, “you’re lucky, because the second you’re within grabbing range I’m going to fucking wreck you.” She crept out, glancing around warily. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a truck to light on fire.”

“Deputy!” Oh, now the fucker was pissed, and wasn’t that just delicious? “You and I are not finished!”

“Bye-bye, John.”

She tossed the radio ahead of her a good few feet, leveled the shotgun with a single, comfortable click-click, and fired; the visceral splinter of electronic wiring and plastic under shotgun shell was sickeningly satisfying, given that the radio had really only proven useful in allowing John to harass her.

His voice still rattled around in her head. You and I are not finished.

“Not finished at all,” she murmured in agreement, swinging into the driver’s side of the nearest car as the gas tanker rattled around the far corner and out of sight. “Not by a wide fucking mile.”

#faithchel #!!!!#I HOPE THIS LIVES UP it's a nice lil quickie #otp: death keep off; i am your enemy #ch: elliot honeysett #ch: john seed #ask games

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jq37 · 4 years

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The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 2

Ambush on the Sucrosi Road

And we’re back for our first battle episode! Are you feeling trepid my guys, cause I sure am.

You’re Dead and Here’s Your Mini

You’ll remember that, at the end of the episode, the Candia Caravan had stopped in the road because of a fallen tree--the universal fantasy fiction indication for an impending ambush--and Ruby was unceremoniously dropped to zero HP. But don’t worry! Brennan is here with all the missing ceremony at the top of this episode! And by ceremony, I mean we get the most graphic, visceral, bloody description of bodily harm we’ve ever gotten in an episode of D20 as the arrow pierces her neck and she goes unconscious. In her unconscious state, she’s on a trapeze, swinging from one bar to another that seems to be either getting closer or farther away. A voice in the inky black that surrounds her tells her to bring it towards her. We fade out from the vision and that brings us into the combat proper.

So that’s the very chill place this episodes starts.

With Ruby down, everyone else springs into action. Liam does his ranger thing and reveals a hidden enemy--which is like finding a roach in your house: You *know* there’s no such thing as a single roach. Jet tries to snatch Ruby into the carriage but when she loses her grip, she opts to instead threaten Lapin--Heal my sister or I’ll reveal you’re working for the Sugarplum Fairy--and hop on top of the stopped carriage to use herself to shield her sister from any further damage. She also activates the Locket of the Sweetest Heart--a split friendship locket the two of them have which gives advantage on saving throws if the other person is within 5 feet--so she’ll have help on her next death save which happens right away. She gets a success with two 13s, which gives her 1 save, 1 fail (I assume from getting hit by a second arrow--ranged attacks while down count as a fail and melee attacks count as two. Yikes!).

In her mind, Ruby uses Mage Hand to bring the trapeze bar closer to her and, as she does so, she sees a pair of smiling purple eyes and hears a voice say, “You are gifted in the ways of the arcane. It seems that my brother has made quite a family for himself.” Ruby gasps. “Are you my aunt?” The voice tells her to take good care of her bow. She’ll need it.

On Amethar’s turn, he clocks a bunch more hidden archers and hears that they’re speaking Carnish (the meat language) but (and Jet especially notices this because she speaks Carnish) they’re speaking it brokenly and with weird (vaguely French-y) accents. And the arrow that hit Ruby is baconsteel, but the archers look weird. Like, it’s less that they’re made of meat and more like they’re *wearing* meat, and it smells like it’s rotting (which, hey Brennan? Gross). Something’s up.

Amethar, charges out and goes into a rage--pouring cola onto himself and letting the pop rocks of his body explode out (extremely cool flavoring for that), doing 2 points of damage to anyone in the immediate vicinity. Jet, still over Ruby’s unconscious body, narrates this all to her, because Emily Axford never lets a moment for an emotional gut punch go to waste.

Amethar gets a Nat 20 with his first attack and hits the nearest enemy hard enough to cut through the meat. Underneath, he smells stinking cheese.

But then, it’s the enemies’ turn and Amethar is absolutely beset. A couple of enemies go after the others’ but five enemies go for him and all hit, bringing him down to less than a third of his HP in one round of combat (down to 10). And they’re not messing around. They are really and truly trying to murder him specifically.

Thank the Sugarplum Fairy or the Bulb if you prefer that Lapin’s turn is next. He scrambles to the top of the carriage and casts Cure Wounds on Ruby which brings her back to full because first level rogues are so so weak you guys. Lapin goes through the Bulbian motions but Jet, who is closeby, can smell the sugary magic energy from his true patron. She doesn’t much care though since it means Ruby’s back and she promises her silence. Lapin also tosses Amethar a d6 of healing with his bonus action.

Theobold hits a nat 20 to do a good bit of damage then action surges and casts Compelled Duel with his sword--Battlepop the Broadscicle--to force the Captain of the attackers (who rolls a Nat 1 save) to 1v1 him to take some heat off of the king.

Ruby and Jet are forced to confront the possibility that Lapin and Theobold might be...cool? Really, all the old dudes this fight are kinda badass--Calroy also hits a nat20 and is kicking ass all fight (also, his pants are on point--I think this is only the second time in d20 pants have ended up being *A Thing* (John Feathers) but that still feels like a lot for *pants*).

The fight continues!

Jet fights alongside her super proud dad and does a bunch of damage but doesn’t quite get a killing blow which she blames on Theobold’s refusal to teach her one last episode. The brigands continue to strategically try and take out Amethar and Lapin judiciously uses his precious few heals to let him drop and then bring him back instead of blowing all his heals at once--stressful but effective. Also, Sir Theo comes in clutch and uses his shield--Swirldwarden--to, as a reaction, take one of the attacks that would have F’d him up.

Ruby shoots the leader of the cheese brigands--at this point everyone knows that these are cheese people disguised as meat people--and, spurred on by some new, hazy awareness from her near death experience, uses her once per day grasping arrow (an Arcane Archer ability) to hold the captain in place and make him take damage if he moves. Amethar goes back into a rage after having gone down, teaching us that when he does that, it hits enemies and allies alike. On the baddies’ turn, the captain tries to move and gets obliterated by Ruby’s arrow. This is super clutch, not just because he was going after Amethar, but he also gave +1d4 to all attacks to all of his guys of which there are/were many.

Amethar goes down again and, on his turn, Lapin heals him, and then wrecks some of the brigands with a very un-Bulbian blast of candy energy, though he continues to insist that it’s all above board. On her turn, Jet gives her half of the locket to her dad in case he drops again (not how it really works since it requires attunement but Brennan allows it this time since it’s her dad). One of the attackers tries to hit Jet but between her once-per-day shield with Flickorice and Theo imposing disadvantage, she’s unscathed.

Our Daily Bread

You’ll remember from last episode that the caravan was on their way to meet an Imperial escort. Well, they finally show up to help, led by a young Ceresian Centurion Commander (they confirm later it’s the guy they were supposed to have been meeting--Commander Constano Grissini--wonder if him showing up was like an “after x rounds of combat” story event or if it was based on something else). Ruby (very conspicuously) casts Fog Cloud around her dad to try and make it harder for anyone to hit and drop him again. Brennan makes her roll an Insight check and on a 12, tells her nothing which is the most maddening thing a DM can do to you.

With the extra help, they’re able to end the fight pretty quickly after that without any casualties (tiny violins for Brennan because, lbr, the house always eventually wins--it’s only a matter of time before he gets one of them). Theobold wanted to keep one enemy alive for questioning but the Tartguard didn’t quite get the memo and skewered the last guy. Lapin is very suspicious of Grissini but his 23 Insight check tells him this is a straight up guy who would have been ruined if anyone here had died. However, he also notices that Grissini won’t look Ruby in the eye. Calroy quietly comes up to Ruby and tells her that, while she did a good job this fight, things are about to get very complicated and she should be a loooot more careful with any future magic she does. She seems confused by her own abilities and mentions she saw her aunt Lazuli while she was passed out but Calroy shushes her before she says anything else incriminating. It seems we didn’t get the full picture of how frowned upon non-Bulbian magic is outside out Candia.

Lapin rolls to cover for Ruby with Grissini and says that her magic is Bulbian and Brennan rolls in the Box of Doom to see if he buys it. 10 or higher and he knows something’s up. We don’t get the result (though it *looked* like a 1) but he either buys it or plays along.

Theobald investigates the area (with help from his living sprinkle/dog Sprinkle who I haven’t mentioned before but gives him the help action in battle) but doesn’t find any info they didn't already have. However, he does notice that there aren’t any steeds around, which he interprets to mean they didn’t get there through outlaw means (ie: ride in on your horse, steal a bunch, ride out).

Calroy pulls aside Lapin and Theobald and says that even though they may have been able to convince Grissini, all of his men also saw Ruby doing forbidden magic and if word gets out it’ll be a problem. They need to make a plan and they need to be very careful about how they tell Amethar because if he finds out they “know how he’ll solve the problem.”

Ominous!

Things I’m Concerned About

So something I talked about while this episode was happening (and something that Brennan talked about during the talkback afterwards but in slightly different terms) is that the enemy NPC Battle effectiveness has, like, changed from “Saturday Morning Cartoon Minion” to “Art of War Scholar”. No one came into this like, “Let’s have an epic fight!” It was like, “We need to murder one specific guy as quickly as possible.” This isn’t a world where you can spend several rounds trying to jump on tables for cool points. This is a world where you need to be paying full attention even when it’s not your turn and everyone figured that out pretty quick. This is the most tense I’ve ever been during a d20 battle episode and this was only the first one! Amethar--the *Barbarian*--dropped THREE times. He ran out of rages which I didn’t even know was a thing! The fact that everyone made it out of the battle alive was really a miracle! Like, everyone was strategic and played well but if Ruby hadn’t won that Grasping Arrow roll off (Siobhan: I love gambling!), if Lapin hadn’t been perfectly placed in the initiative to feed Amethar heals right after he dropped, if just a couple of things had gone differently, they could have been so screwed.

Oh, and you know what else? Rezzes don’t exist in this world! Like, I think we all kinda figured but we got confirmation this week on Adventuring Party. It makes total sense. It is absolutely the correct choice for the setting. But, God, does it ratchet up every single round of combat. Every single decision. Every one of Lapin’s limited heals. Like, RIP Zac. What a season to play the party healer. Ally and Lou got off easy. (Note: The Spare the Dying cantrip does exist though at least, which isn’t a powerhouse spell but it’s not nothing).

I’m concerned about Jet’s flirting! First Thad now this hot Italian breadstick soldier guy? Like, usually I’d be like do you girl but, like, romantic entanglements are a quick way to get in a lot of trouble, up to and including death in a world like this! This is the “actions have consequences” season!

On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, Liam doesn’t seem to have any interest in romantic entanglements which doesn’t always go over well if you’re a royal. He’s not directly in line for anything important it seems since he had so many older brothers, so maybe he can skate by. But last episode, Caramelinda did seem to be pushing him a little bit in that direction--saying he could get out of exile earlier if he got hitched--and I feel like there’s a good chance this becomes a bigger issue for him.

If we have a false flag attack AND and an attempted assassination in episode TWO, what are we escalating to, huh? Where are we going that that’s where we’re STARTING?

I could have mentioned this last episode but I’m glad I waited until this episode because it underlines the point even better. I’m *very* concerned about the religious politics of Calorum. In the first episode we got kind of a sense that things were different in Candia versus the rest of the world but this ep it was less of a “sense” and more of a concrete fear that someone was about to start gossiping about having seen Goody Ruby with the devil. And we knew from last episode that Lapin is secretly in league with the Sugarplum Fairy but Brennan used the word heretic in the talkback which feels a *lot* more dire but...yeah, is accurate. Plus, one of the girls’ aunt is St. Citrina, clearly a respected figure in the Bulbian faith, so there’s obviously Lore to unlock there. Look, a lot of going on and none of it feels very chill. Lapin better keep nailing all of his deception checks.

And, to drill down a little deeper, I’m very concerned that Ruby--who has presumably been told that magic is banned in the rest of the world, decided to illegally cast a spell in front of a ton of people--including Imperials--while loudly shouting “ABRACADABRA!” Like, if her impulse control doesn’t improve, we are gonna have some *issues*.

You know what I’m concerned about? My continuing relationship with several different food groups if I have to keep hearing graphic descriptions of them fighting each other. I mean, BONES in the CHEESE? *Bones* in the *Cheese*? My forgetting to preheat the oven is the *only* reason I wasn’t eating pizza when I heard that line. And the worst part is, with another DM I’d be like, “They probably didn’t think of the implications.” But this is Brennan so I KNOW he thought of the implications and he was like, “I’M DOING IT ANYWAY.”

Also, while we’re on the implications, I was also concerned--as Theo/Murph was--about Lord Swirly’s (the ice cream Candian) loyalty considering he is dairy (like the cheese brigands) even though he is Candian. Like, there’s a *lot* of overlap in different food types and that feels like it could easily get messy.

If this fight is an indication, these fights aren’t gonna be balanced to be fair. They’re balanced to be tactically sound--as in, “What would their enemies do to them at this moment?” And, man, I am really dreading the inevitable moment they get hit when they’re down for the first time. Having to start a fight already down to one third of your HP and having already burned through most of your spell slots is so demoralizing but you know it’s gotta happen!

I share Zac’s concerns about their Imperial allies. When he said, “This is Games of Thrones. It doesn’t mean anything,” I felt that.

I was reminded of a scene in the trailer which shows what looks to be the PCs in a freezer and now I’m just full of questions like is a freezer a part of a fridge or its own thing? Is it Calorum or is that like the upper part of the map that cuts off? Is it a death-y no man’s land? What’s going on?

So the toughest prof I've ever had was my Constitutional Law professor my 1L year of Law School. She's probably the smartest person I've ever met and so supportive but also super scary. What you need to know about law school grades to understand this story is that they're fake so a B- is like a hard C, a C is like a D, and a D means your professor wants you to die. A professor has to fill out paperwork and justify giving you a D at my school. So we heard a rumor that this professor gave one of her students a D and we were like, "Oh man, even she wouldn't...would she?" So, one day--I think at some kind of event, we're all chilling and we're like, "Professor! Did you *really* give a student a D last year." And she turns to us, glint in her eye, and says, "Who said I only gave out one?" Chills. Absolute chills. Anyway, that is all to say, I'm very much feeling shades of that conversation right now. "Brennan, did you really kill a PC this season?" *Anime Glasses Flash* "Who said I only killed one?"

Lingering Questions

Theobald is an Eldritch Knight, not a Paladin. So he has some magic, but it wouldn’t be Bulbian (unless Brennan flavored it that way). Is he also doing arcane magic on the down low or is there some other mechanism for that? (Sidenote: Glad the cast made the gummi berry juice joke when Murph cast Jump on Amethar so I didn’t have to.) If he is, gotta say, hiding it *way* better than the others.

Curious about exactly what Liam’s favored enemy is. Cause he was getting the bonus for that during this fight but was it because they were bandits or cheese people or archers or what?

Another quick holdover from last episode: Sir Theo rolled a deception check last ep against Ruby's insight upon seeing the princesses training with their new weapons (Theo won with a 19 to her 17) and Brennan gave us no information so it’s like, what was their deal? Past relationship? Past magical relationship (see first point)? Just concerned Ruby is gonna do something stupid with a magic bow in the world where magic is banned?

Five Six More Things

OK, let’s get the most important thing out of the way...my Candysona would be a Mint Chocolate divine soul sorcerer librarian/researcher. I’m sure ALL of you were wondering.

I really wanna give it up for the crew this episode! The battle set was amazing and the music was so good! Especially Ruby’s quirky circus-y theme. Loved that! Oh and the overlay of all the magical items was very helpful. (Side note: It’s all on the wiki if you wanna see it--I’d link it but tumblr hates when I do that. EDIT: @cloudmancy actually wrote them all up here too so here’s the link).

There was no way Brennan could have known that Ruby was going to drop immediately when he initially planned the session but using that as kind of a vision quest moment to unlock her magic which she starts fully using after that point for the first time was a very clutch story choice for them.

Murph and Emily sitting next to each other this season is a *gift*.

I cannot imagine having the gall to play a level 1 magic rogue in a world where magic is illegal, people who can hit for more than my hit point total 100% want me dead, and rezzes don’t exist. What a choice.

If one twin dies...and they have to decide...what to do with the other half of that locket...Brennan…

Housekeeping

Brennan is doing an Answer Time here on tumblr! Get your questions in before the 25th!

Not strictly D20 related but Brennan is also DMing a D&D game with some actual play vets and their kids! Check it out here!

I can’t believe I failed my word count limit two episodes in on a battle episode that I only had 3 pages of notes for. Bold of me to assume I could tamp down on me. But, plus side, Brennan did say I was valid on stream last week, so I’m gonna say these two things cancel each other out and I am in the clear.

#dimension 20 #dimension 20 spoilers #a crown of candy #a crown of candy spoilers #the royal report

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sharky857 · 4 years

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What one year straight of Warframe means from a personal experience's point of view, in no particular order:

(Get ready for a quite long post with no proof-reading, so it’s gonna be probably ridden with typos too)

- Initially downloaded and installed the game from Steam. I could even play the tutorial level and the next day I cleared my first node. On the 2nd day after the installation, Steam threw its tantrum, starting the installation process all over again, as if the game had never been installed. Turned out that I had stumbled into the first of many "Bugframes shenanigans". The funniest aprt is that the game's launcher was in the Steam folder, safe and sound. So, from that moment on, I just kept on playing WF from that standalone launcher.

- No Tennogen for me (see above). I've been doing my best to just avoid any Tennogen announcement and pretend it doesn't exist. Sometimes these efforts are shattered by friendo fangirling over new Tennogen skins. I'm just too good to obliterate her excitement, just because I can't access that same stuff.

- Mastery Ranks truly mean nothing, in term of a player's experience. I'm now a MR 18 (and a half), and I've been still sticking to the same handful of mods, making similar loadouts for pretty much all type of weapons and WFs with very little variations. I just don't care for "endgame stuff", don't even care to know what's the deal with "Riven mods" is, and it's a miracle if I slapped two (2) Primed mods on likewise weapons so far. Oh, I also don't have the slightest clue of a lot of WF-related gaming terms (stat stick? procs?) Besides, even a MR 12 cuold end up being hardcarry in a squad of MR 29.

- I have unlocked Steel Path just to shut Teshin's trap for good. I tried to take on the first Earth node just out of curiosity. I tried (emphasis on TRIED) once, barely made it to 200-300 meters away from the spawn area, then aborted the mission when Nora "detected" Glass resonance nearby. I'm not planning on diving into to that mode ever again (or at least in the foreseeable future).

- I have a visceral dislike for Railjack missions. I have a RJ only because I wanted to complete the quest, but that's it. I didn't even tackle the RJ map, except for the "free roam" where absolutely nothing happens. The only (very few) RJ missions I tried have been in the very few squad missions, or with at least one other friend. The only time I cleared a mission on my own was because my friend's connection acted up and she was kicked out of the session. Oddily, I won, although my RJ was this close from being wrecked.

- I'm not looking forward to do anything in Cambion Drift for that dysfunctional family and I'm not lusting after any "Necramech" of sort. "Veterans" who have been playing for +3 years straight might've welcomed the changes for that free roam area (also in terms of Entrati standings). I've been playing for 365 days and am still fine with the way things work in both Cetus/Plains of Eidolon and Fortuna/Orb Vallis.

- I accidentally got myself a Kuva Lich, as soon as they had been introduced in the game. Was running an exterminate on Telesto and caught a "larvling" in the crossfire. That larvling turned into "Pubb Axugrij, Supreme Shitlord of Lua". The P00plord is still on Lua to this day, I haven't tried to take him down, not even once. He just chose the "planetoid" I visit the least, so he can't even steal much. My only concern has always been with the Octavia BPs, since I had been told that Liches can steal those too. So I made a self-vow to go and annihilate the guy if he'd ever taken ONE of those BPs; at times I would have been tempted to go and get rid of that Lich, so that I could get those BPs 100% safely. In the end I needed not to do either; Pubb Axugrij never stole a single BP. Now I have an Octavia and I'm strategically keeping the Lich where he is. I never wanted a Kuva Lich in the first place, and this one I got conveniently spawned on the least visited of places. And since Liches can only spawn one at the time, this means that, as long as Pubb Axugrij is chilling in his own territory, I can rest assured that I won't be getting any new Lich anytime soon. Win-Win!

- Death Orbs in the Void only have a scary name, but you won't instantly die if you touch one. Unless you're in some place like "Mot" and are caught by a Deadly Laz0r. That's gonna be a "big ouchie". Rather, if you're nearby them with a BLING! version of any Warframe, you'll get an insta-refill on your energy bar. This also works in case said orb has been previsouly destroyed.

- Argon crystals will either spawn 1 every 4-5 missions in the Void, or you'll get 10-15 within a single mission. Looks like there's no in-between. In either case, get ready for a mild irritation. Especially with the latter situation; those suckers go POOF! in 24 hours, and it looks like it's the only resource with this peculiarity.

- "To get an Ivara from spy missions you'll need... An ivara." HAH! I got my Ivara with a vanilla!Limbo and lots of stubborness.

- Spy missions where my first "UGH!" experience in this game. It took me an embarrassing long time to realise that no matter how many alarms you may trip: if you can reach the vault and hack the data, everthing will be fine anyway. And it took me an even longer time to learn NOT to beat myself whenever a hacking may fail: as long as even just ONE vault is successfully hacked, the mission will be considered as completed. I used to hate so, so much Corpus spy missions in particular (because of all those lasers).

- Interception missions had been my second and longer-lasting "UUUUUUGH!" I started to tackle them (even on my own) only recently; I think it all started after I got Nova Prime.

- Don’t get me started on Archwing missions, an even bigger “UUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!” at first.

- I didn't even know that "Defection" missions really existed in-game, until I had to run some myself to get those nodes unlocked (and complete the star chart). Until then I thought they were either some kind of meme-ish topic, or some time-limted event-related side-missions.

- "Salvage" missions are boring and frustrating.

- In case you've been wondering, I've been mostly a solo player since day one. It took me one hell of a long time to get me to set my matchmaking at least on "invite only". It took anxious me even longer to be convinced to "join a clan".

- To this day, I'm still a resource hoarder. I kinda lost this habit when I run missions with other players in team, but I would still raid whole tilesets of every single resource available when on my own. This also how I stumble across random Ayatan treasures and rare crates fairly often (especially with the former).

- Speaking of the Ayatan thingies, I now know that when I start to find an unusual high amount of Ayatan stars (be them "cyan" or "amber") and I don't have any resource booster, this means that I'm very close to also stumbling across an Ayatan treasure/statue. If not in that same mission, it'll msot likely happen within the next 2-3.

- Most of the times I don't even register "Wally's" presence, and their "hey, kiddo" leave me unfazed. Until my brain has a moment of buffering followed by some realisation that makes me think "ah yes, the lil' sucker is back!" When "WallY" shows up, 90% of the times they are perched on the Codex, 9% on the Market, and only 1% anywhere else in the Orbiter.

- I still have my very first Kubrow with me (yes, the one you hatch and grow for that related quest), plus another because I could make an Helminth Charger. Their names are respectively Anubis and Seth. I'm not planning of giving either of them away.

- Home is where low ping is. I've started to play also on public matchmaking since a very few months, and of course I noticed that the farther the host is, the higher the ping. In terms of playability (sp?), and from what other (few) online FPS-ish games I played before, I can say that WF is in a cosy second place. > First place goes to "Paladins": even if the connection to the game's servers make the ping go from 40 to 300, you may still play just fine. A slight delay here and there is to be expected, but nothing too worrysome. > Second place is "Warframe": this game uses a direct connection between users (like the p2p of "uTorrent"), so ping is heavily influenced by distance and quality of the host's ISP. Even so, if you play with a hsot whose connection make your ping go randomly from 40 to 300, you can still play just fine. A little bit of delay here, some crashing into doors face-first before they could open there, but still playable. The real (un)fun starts when ping is a base and steady 300, with peaks skyrocketing up to past 1.500. That's when everyone just quits as soon as they can. > Third and last place is "Overwatch", just for the records: it has the same kind of game servers connection as "Paladins". But, if ping in this game goes anywhere past 40, you're done. Finished. Kaputt. May the Lord also have mercy of your sanity, if this happens in a ranked match, 'cause that's when there'll be even higher chances of being kicked out due to your connection imploding like a supernova.

- I've been sticking only to two kind of sentinels: Carrier and Helios. Carrier is a godsend with the boost in ammo count; Helios is my personal scanner. I used to have a Taxon, but I've long sold that one for credits, after fully ranking it up.

- I found a way to never run out of ammo with a 3-Forma Acceltra (*gives a pats to Carrier*) and I'm not afraid of bringing it to any kind of mission.

- Every levelling-up will count also for your own Mastery Rank grinding, but only once. If you add Forma to anything (which will reset its rank), that won't coujnt for the grind any more. Same with trashing a weapon and rebuilding it from scratch afterwards.

- Despite I've been sticking mostly to Wisp lately, I've never forgotten the love I have for Oberon.

- The Ropalolyst fight is best played in just two, and if any of you has a Wukong (Prime). I lost the count of how many times I squared up with that "Roflcopter" on Jupiter, but some of those times I was with another player from the clan's alliance (we were both looking for Wisp BPs to farm). I kept bringing my trusty Wukong BLING and I think this other player had a Titania BLING. Just the two of us, we finished that boss fight in 7 minutes and some seconds, making it the quickest boss run we had ever performed until that moment.

- Speaking of "Rolypoly", if even just one player can make it to the elevator to enter the boss fight arena, everyone will be automatically teleported there, no matter where they are in that moment. Really, there is no need for everyone to be on that same platform.

- At this point I'm convinced that "The Sergeant" is just a meme-boss (given how unimportant Phobos seems to be considered) and DE won't do a damn thing to improve him, unless they find a way to make the whole "planetoid" more desiderable, somehow. Given how easy he is to wreck, I feel like it would make sense if he were Venus' boss and "the Jackal" were Phobos'; Venus is the first boss fight for every new player, after all.

- Speaking of bosses, I never squared up with anyone personally, back when I was unlocking the Junctions. Each of them had always been taken down by my hardcarry friend; the only I went and wrecked on my own has been Vay Hek. With Oberon. It took me almost half an hour, but in the end I did it. 0/10 won't even bother to do that ever again. Other planet bosses I took down by myself so far include: the Jackal, Captain Vor, Alad V, Sargas Ruk, and (ofc) the Sergeant.

- I cleared Pluto's boss node without fighting the actual boss (Ambulas). There just happened to be a "Phorid manifestation" which just happened to count also for unlocking that node. Hooray me!

- Playing the game is only half the fun. The other half is "Fashionframe" and spending one hour or two in Captura to take badass pictures.

- The main quests may make you cry a river. "The Second Dream" and "The Sacrifice" were a blast, with "The War Within" being a close second place.

- I know it's probably set as solo-only to avoid spoilers to new players, but I would really appreciate if the mandatory side-quest known as "Chains of Harrow" could be a non-solo one. Would be a really great help for those suffering from anxiety and/or can be spooked very easily.

- "Fffforget the Lotusssss... Eudico is your new Space Mom now." Also: Ticker is love, Ticker is life.

- Conservations are a minor "no no" until you get your hands on any "Stealth-frame". Or if you can team up with someone in possession of said "stealth-frame" and wouldn't mind to carry your unstealthy bum the whole time. Ivara (Prime) is the queen of conversations; she can sleep-dart targets with her own arrow, so you won't need to sleep-dart them even 3 times with likewise shots from the Tranq rifle. Second place goes to Loki (just be fast in locating that target, before your stealth runs out of time). Third place is probably for Wisp, unless you're quick enough to shoot and also have a good enough aim to shoot while jumping/gliding.

- I have yet to take on any of the "Heist bounty" missions. I'm in no rush to square up with either Orb Mama and am NOT looking forward to do so.

- Eidolon hunts are all fun and games, until you hear boss music and the MF Hydrolist shows up with 100% chances of acid rain all over the plains of Eidolon.

- I didn't even know what "support charges" were, until I had to start craft the health one for a squad "Tridolon hunt". I'm still prone to NOT using them. Unless a Nightwave's daily challenge says so.

- I'm happy to oblige to each of Nora's challenges, unless they involve some "Sp00der Mama" fight, RJ-related stuff or Sanctuary Onslaught of any kind, or even "Sortie".

- I have yet to take part to even just ONE "sortie". On the other hand, I'm getting a teeny hang on the "Arbitrations"; so far I've been playing either defense or survival, always tagging along with my lil' Wisp.

- My latest weapons of choice are: Acceltra (3 Forma), Arca Plasmor (2 Forma), Daikyu (for spy missions and with sum Forma. Can't remember how many, maybe just one), Despair, Ballistica Prime (prob the only secondary Weapon I might be willing to Forma), Stropha, Lesion, Redeemer Prime.

- (Shadow) Stalker, Grustrag Three and Zanuka are actually a joke to take down, but gotta admit that both Stalky and G3 have the most unsettling introduction when about to show up.

- Despite I've been playing one year straight, sometimes I still get the feeling that, when I'm in squad with anyone else, I'm just... Useless. It doesn't happen all the times, but when I see other players going full nuke-frame, at times I just sit there and wonder if my presence would even make that much of a difference. These up and down feelings are what make me play mostly solo, despite my friend telling me that "as long as you can manage SOME kills and/or damage, you are NOT useless", reminding me that the real useless players are those who get nearly ZERO in both stats, especially in endless missions that have gone on for more than 15-20 minutes.

#warframe #sharky's stunning skills at gaming #Actually I hit 365 days last day #today is already day 366 but aw well

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thewhumperinwhite · 4 years

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Guardian Angel, part 2

Part One

okay just a leetle more before I go to bed <3

@whumpitywhumpwhump

TW for: body horror, reanimated corpse/The Undead (if you need this tagged or know a specific tag for it please let me know), referenced car accident.

----

Getting the dead boy into the backseat of his mother’s car is the most viscerally upsetting five minutes of Karim’s life.

He doesn’t check for a pulse, because he is utterly petrified that he won’t find one, and then he will have killed someone with a car before he even got his driver’s license, and if he knows that to be the case then he will not be able to do anything except sit here in the middle of the darkening highway and cry for the foreseeable future. So he—doesn’t check, yet. He fidgets for a while, deeply not wanting to touch this maybe-dead-but-definitely-very-fucked-up body, but then he squares his shoulders and squats next to the—boy, he thinks feverishly, because if he thinks body he won’t be able to do this—and slides his hand under the boy’s back, eases him up into a sitting position.

He goes easily, moving like (god, jesus) like dead weight, utterly limp, but when Karim gets him upright he sees to his immense relief that the boy’s eyes are clearly moving under his eyelids. It looks weird and creepy in just the glow of the car’s tail-lights, but it does seem to mean that Karim didn’t—succeed in killing him yet. At least not all the way.

Karim hovers, wanting to pick the boy up rather than drag him, but not sure how to go about it.

The boy is wearing a white t-shirt and dark jeans, both torn from where he presumably hit the pavement and slid. This close, Karim can see—several things which make his stomach churn in different ways. The boy's arm and leg are—are, just fucked, honestly, in a way that kind of hurts to look at, especially because it looks—very wrong, with no blood or bruising or anything except colorless torn tissue and twisted bone. Karim can see that his arms are clustered with those weird marks, too, the same as on his throat, and the harsh shadows thrown by the tail lights make them look three dimensional, like dozens of tiny bumps all over him, mostly grouped around—around where his veins should be visible, but aren’t, really.

Karim is supporting the boy’s back while he sits slumped but upright, his chin to his chest; and without thinking he reaches out and touches the boy’s arm, to see what the marks feel like.

He jerks back too hard, accidentally letting the boy flop over backward like a dropped sandbag.

Karim has never touched a dead body, but he knows immediately that this is what it would feel like. The boy’s skin is very dry, and it is also entirely room temperature.

Karim rubs his hand on the leg of his jeans and tries to force his breathing back under control. He looks down at the dead boy half-sprawled out on his back on the asphalt, and remembers at the sight of his face that he’s not much older than Karim is himself, and Karim hit him with a car, and he screws up his courage and hefts the boy into his arms, princess-carry style.

It is immediately clear that this is a mistake. Karim is still waiting on his big growth spurt, and the boy is apparently the height of a grown man, and though he’s maybe a little lighter than one, he does feel a little lighter than seems quite right, Karim still stumbles sideways under his weight, just managing to catch himself against the side of the car; he feels the boy’s broken arm shift and the body in his arms twitches, terribly, with a quiet trapped-animal whine.

Karim stops, leaning against the car, to catch his breath, and the dead boy goes still again, which is—better, except for the part where it feels a lot more like holding a corpse.

Karim grits his teeth and drags himself around the side of the car, pulls the door handle with his foot in a fit of desperate dexterity, and stumbles into the backseat. It’s a big car, his mom’s been using it to carpool since he and Selina were in middle school, so there’s room for him to flounder around in the backseat while still laying the dead boy out along it with at least some level of care.

Stretched out on the back seat of Farah Mun’s Lexus, the boy looks so entirely like a corpse that when he blinks his cloudy eyes open, Karim jerks back in surprise and hits his head kind of hard on the roof of the car.

“Oh thank god,” he mutters, massaging his head. “Oh thank god, I thought maybe I actually killed you.”

The dead boy huffs tired breathy laughter, reaching up to touch the place on his forehead that cracked open on the windshield. “Yeah, sorry,” he croaks, sounding exhausted—sounding much worse, actually, than when Karim first hit him. “I don’t do that on purpose very often. Think maybe I pulled something. Ha.” He flails his mangled arm a little, like he’s trying to make a joke; his smile tightens like it hurts a little but not nearly as much as it should.

“What—are you?” Karim asks, because he physically can’t hold it in anymore.

The boy’s smile fades, and he shifts awkwardly. They are squashed very close together with him on the back seat and Karim hovering over him; at the memory of the cold unnaturalness of the boy’s skin Karim gives him some space by clambering backwards over the console and into the front seat, craning around the passenger seatback to stare at the dead boy, who has shifted up into a half-sitting position.

“It’d be super cool if we could get this fixed up before we have this conversation,” the boy says, gesturing at his mangled limbs without much hope.

Karim bites his lip, and slowly shakes his head. “I don’t think—I don’t think we’re going anywhere until you tell me who you are.” He swallows, hard. “And how you know my name.”

The boy sags back against the car seat, looking up at the roof with a sigh. “Yeah. Yeah, okay, I get that. Um.”

The dead boy screws his eyes shut, like he’s getting ready to take a leap he doesn’t think will land well.

“I’m from the future,” the boy says.

Karim stares at him. Waits for more. “You what?” he says helplessly when more doesn’t seem to be coming.

The dead boy cracks one eye open to gauge his reaction. At that point the overhead light that went on when Karim opened the car door clicks off, plunging the car into near-complete darkness. Karim lets it stay that way, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against the car seat headrest.

“I recognize that this is a ridiculous thing to claim,” the dead boy says.

“Yeah,” Karim says tiredly. “Yeah, it is.” He waits. The boy doesn’t go on. “When in the future?”

“2020. Fucking cesspool of a year.”

Karim laughs, a little hysterically. “Oh, are you gonna, like, am I John Conner? Am I supposed to, um, are you gonna say ‘come with me if you want to live,’ cause I think it’s actually a little late for that considering you can’t walk.”

The dead boy, astonishingly, laughs too, sounding embarrassed more than anything else. His voice, apparently recovering from—from whatever happened out on the asphalt that blew it out—sounds too normal; Karim reaches up and clicks the light back on, so he won’t forget he’s talking to a corpse.

“Am I supposed to believe that you can survive getting wrecked by a car because you’re a time traveler?” he demands, almost yelling now. “What, are people car proof by 2020, is that what you’re saying?”

“Oh.” The boy looks away, awkwardly. “That’s actually, um— unrelated. That’s just because I’m dead.”

Karim stares at him.

Because regardless of how many times Karim has thought of him as “the dead boy,” it is patently ridiculous for someone to tell you they are dead, because— because they’re telling you!

“No you’re not,” Karim says hotly, and his eyes are burning for some reason, because he’s so scared that he’s angry and so angry that he’s crying, now, apparently. “No you’re not, you’re some kind of— you’ve got some kind of weird disease, or something—”

The boy sits up a little straighter, and looks at Karim with— the softest expression Karim thinks he’s ever seen. He reaches out, slowly, to where Karim’s hand is white knuckled on the center console, and wraps his lukewarm hand around Karim’s wrist. Then he guides Karim’s hand up to the pulse point under his chin, never breaking eye contact. His expression is, if anything, apologetic.

The second Karim touches the marks on the boy’s throat he knows that they’re scars. And he doesn’t feel a pulse.

He stares at the dead boy in the back seat, feeling fear wrap pins and needles around the back of his neck.

“Sorry, dear,” the dead boy says softly. “I’m pretty sure this is the easy part.”

#whump #original whump #car accident #undead whump #guardian angel au #body horror #corpse tw #undead tw

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facelessfrey · 4 years

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Roswell New Mexico Season 2, Episode 3

- Surprisingly, that episode frustrated me a lot less than usual, so that’s nice.

- Things I am still frustrated with though: Am I the only one annoyed with the random time jumps? Like each episode just jumps forward a couple weeks and it always throws me. I guess it makes the timeline more realistic but I’m always like “but I want to know what happened during those two weeks??”. This is minor but it always bugs me.

- Anyway, Maria finally knows. Thank god! I am happy that she got to yell at Liz and Michael for that matter because she deserved to. I wish we’d seen more of her reaction to Michael though. I mean I get wanting to cut out a bunch of exposition that we already know, and we certainly got to see her initial visceral reaction to him showing up but still...I kind of wanted more, especially since they’d been playing parking lots for two weeks apparently. But I’m glad she got to be pissed. And I’m also glad that even through all of that, she still got to look out for Rosa and try and get her some help. I hope we get to see more of that friendship as we go forward because it feels more genuine to me than any of her other relationships other than perhaps her frenemy thing she’s got going on with Isobel.

- I feel like this was the first time Maria became a real character to me, now that she knows too. She never quite fit in the show before for me because she was always weirdly isolated. Despite supposedly being friends with Liz and Alex and having a thing for Michael, she was always on the outside and not even a way where she knew it or the other characters were actively trying not to tell her. She just didn’t know and didn’t seem to know anything was really off and wasn’t curious at all and trying to figure it out. And that always felt off to me. Maybe it’s because OG Maria knew something was up with Liz in about five minutes and then kept at her until she found out the truth. But that’s because she was there when she got shot. That’s because they were high school best friends who saw each other every day and worked together. This Liz and Maria have never had that kind of relationship. We didn’t even get to see it in the flashbacks because Heather wasn’t available for that episode or whatever. So anyway, I’m glad she knows now and I hope it means she will continue to feel more like part of the show.

- Moving on to Rosa, she breaks my heart, crying about wrecking her miracle. I see she’s seeing her dad again next week. I hope that since she’s going to have more support perhaps, that she’ll be able to get through everything she’s going through.

- I also hope that now that maybe she’s told Liz something about what Max has been saying to her, that there will maybe be more urgency in saving Max. I feel like the show is missing some stakes or something to really push the characters forward. They’re kind of going along on their own character journeys but I feel like they really need a strong overarching plot to tie them together and give them purpose.

- Isobel’s scenes this week actually made me almost miss Max. His twitchy mind calls to Rosa never much endear me to him but sibling banter wins me over. I like that they had him be there for Isobel during all of that. And sure, at home self abortions are not the greatest message but I suppose she at least made it vaguely political about Roswell/New Mexico. But mostly, I felt okay with it because of that speech she gave Max about why she needed to do it.

- Also, Isobel showing the handcuffs and sex toys to Valenti was kind of brilliant. But I do wish that investigation was a bit more urgent as well. Maybe it will be come that. Who knows.

- Liz and Jenna were a lot of fun in this episode. There’s usually so many just quick scenes in this show and no one ever hangs out together for long periods of time, at least this season. So it was nice to have some extended bonding over booze and firearms. Although I have no idea why Cameron is back again or what is going on with her sister still. What happened to Ohio?

- As for Michael, I did actually think his scene with Maria and making her breakfast was cute. And she wasn’t wrong, that was probably the most words he ever spoke to her, which might be why one of their scenes finally didn’t feel weird and forced to me. Of course that’s all over now since she’s mad at him over the alien secret now. I suppose it should be interesting to see if they try again once she calms down but I’m obviously more interested in the newly platonic bros.

- I liked the Alex and Michael scenes tonight. I though it was nice to see them actually working through stuff together for more than thirty seconds. I liked that Alex just got up to leave cause he thought he’d been dismissed but then Michael came back out. I know they’re going off to that farm or whatever next week and that should be interesting. Even though that’s where Alex is going to meet Forest but we’ll see how it all goes. In any case, I’m just glad to see them spending time together because I think both they and we need them to build a friendship first before they ever try anything again. I think they need that base level of trust.

- The stuff with Alex and his dad was once again weird. I mean I get why he did what he did but again, I’m just so confused on what Jesse Manes’ role is in this show. I just want him to be the “big bad” at some point but he’s just chilling in a hospital bed and I don’t know what they’re ever going to do with him.

- The flashbacks were interesting. Though I’m mildly distracted by all the places I know these actors from. Haha. But it was fun seeing Jason Behr again. It was like one of the OG Roswell flashbacks again where they all played other characters. It was fun. I wonder if we’ll see him again. Also nice to see Michael and Max and Isobel’s mothers fighting so hard for them. That was sweet.

- Sad there was no Kyle this week. Although at least I was spared from more insurance talk with Steph. So I guess that’s a win.

- All in all, I thought it was a way better episode than last week and I hope I continue to feel that way because I don’t want to be infuriated by this show. Although, it does still have a massive amount of storytelling issues. But we’ll see.

#roswell new mexico #roswell nm #roswell reviews #this is soooo long #sorry

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kenzieam · 4 years

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Not Happening, Doll - Chapter Six (Bucky X Levi)

Rating: M (language, violence, eventual smut, angst, slow burn)

Genre: Drama/Angst

@captstefanbrandt @iammarylastar @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @notimetoblog @captain-ariel-barnes @bitsandbobsandstuff @softlybarnes @lovelybbarnes @buckitybarnes @bucky-plums-barnes @moonbeambucky @badassbaker @citylights221 @empress-of-boujee @chook007 @shynara51 @diinofayce @casestudy-mw @jewels2876 @damnaged-princess @everythingisoverrated @allmyfanficfaves @clarabella960 @angryschnauzer @wowspideyholland @smilexcaptainx @shirukitsune @cake-writes @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123

If I missed any tag requests, I apologize!!

*IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED OR DELETED FROM THIS LIST, DM ME*

*****************************************************************************

Levi and Bucky cannot stand each other (or rather, the former Winter Soldier cannot stand to be around the Avenger’s newest member and, like the ass he is, he won’t divulge why) and of course, they get teamed up for a new mission. It’s deep cover this time and not only do they have to work together, they have to pretend they’re MARRIED.

Heaven help them….

****************************************************************************

The sunrise was hauntingly beautiful, both a dying burst of color and transition into dark, which had become his chosen domain. Bucky gave a deep, shuddering exhale before heaving to his feet, leathers creaking, and walking stiffly to his waiting motorcycle. A small photo, faded and cracked from hours exposed to the sun, nestled between the handlebars and Bucky stroked a gentle finger across it, smiling sadly as he remembered what he’d had and what he’d lost.

Just over five months had passed, in excess of 3700 hours, more than 220,000 minutes, uncountable seconds; each one a dull knife blade dragging across his heart. He’d been so stupid, so careless; pulling another into his life, his flawed goddamned life; letting himself believe that he deserved more than the crippling shame that was now his constant companion.

Levi. His beautiful Levi.

He’d failed her. He’d broken his promise to keep her safe. And the last five months had passed both like a blink and an eternity since then.

Kicking the bike to life, Bucky twisted the throttle, rocketing away, trying to leave the ghosts of his past behind, but they followed with reckless speed, whispered in his ears and ran ice-cold fingers up his spine to coil lovingly around his jaw and press lingering, poisonous kisses to his starving lips. Sometimes he could pretend it was still Levi, still touching him so tenderly, whispering eternal love against his skin, nurturing and strengthening his cracked heart, like water to a parched desert landscape.

Had she known? The depth of Bucky’s love for her? The visceral level of his connection? She’d saved his life, in more ways than one, and how had he repaid her?

The screech of tortured metal screamed suddenly through his mind, jolting his muscles and electrifying his heart. It burst into a frantic tattoo and his path down the highway swerved and wobbled; to an observer, he might have looked ready to lay the bike out, but there was no one out here and he was all too used to abruptly needing to control his racing heart, his shaking body, besides, he didn’t deserve something so final and peaceful as death.

He couldn’t stop, he had to keep going; away, away.

****************************************************************************** “How does that one feel?” Tony mumbled, micro-wrench lodged firmly in his mouth, glancing between a multiple-screen layout and the subject seated in front of him.

“Still a little tight.” Levi replied, picking at the edge of the advanced vibranium alloy that was the topic of their conversation. Tony reached over and sharply rapped her fingers with the wrench, wagging his pointer finger at her with a scowl.

“Quit it, or you’ll get more scars.”

Levi rolled her eyes. There were already scars, mute testimony to the trauma that had led her here, made her Tony’s guinea pig as he sorted through and tried out different solutions to her newest problem. His diligence was touching, and to be honest Levi enjoyed her time with Tony, he’d become like a older brother to her, but the yawning chasm inside her, the great well of emptiness that only one person could fill was rarely ever pacified by his or anyone else’s presence.

The doors to the lab opened with a muted hiss and Levi looked up, a wide smile pulling at her lips. “Hey!” She called, reaching out her arms in search of a hug. “How’d it go?”

Steve shrugged, still decked out in his tactical suit and leaned over, wrapping an arm around Levi and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Same old shit.” He answered as he stood back upright.

“Language.” Tony muttered, not even looking up from his keyboard.

Steve briefly stuck out his tongue at the man and Levi choked on a giggle. His hand trailed down her arm to grasp her hand as he sat in a convenient chair beside the lab table she was perched on. Still grinning, he pressed a kiss to her knuckles then held the back of her hand to his cheek. “We miss you out there.”

“I miss being out there.” Levi countered, mischief gleaming in her eye before she purposefully raised her voice, eyeing the mad scientist currently frowning at a readout. “If Doc Brown here would hurry up with the magic- “

“Oh, shut up, Peg-Leg.” Tony threw back, his words softened by a smile.

Levi snorted in amusement while Steve chuckled quietly, pulling Levi’s hand back down to his lap, his thumb stroking slow circles across her knuckles.

“Seriously, though. How is it?” Steve peered at Levi’s right leg, now a sophisticated prosthetic below her knee.

“Just working out the last kinks,” Tony replied distractedly, bashing at a tablet screen before reaching over and flicking a switch.

Levi dug her finger into the space where the prosthetic and her leg met. The vibranium alloy formed a protective cup around her leg stump, and so while she had a few inches of leg intact below her knee, the alloy stretched up to just below her kneecap, rising on the sides to partially surround the joint. “The molding is a little tight here, but that’s fixable; it’s the internal workings Tony’s having trouble with.”

“Well, I didn’t get to monkey with Barnes’ arm nearly as much as I wanted to, so I’m flying blind here in some things.” Tony mumbled, stabbing once more at the screen before turning to Levi and announcing with a flourish. “There, try that.”

Levi hesitated, skin heating at the mention of Bucky. Steve squeezed her hand, offering a small smile when she glanced at him. Taking a deep breath, Levi forced her feelings away; there would be plenty of time tonight, in the dark of her room, for her misery and sorrow to make an appearance; and swung her legs off the table.

Four months ago, Levi had woken up in the medical lab at the Compound; disoriented and in agony. Concerned faces hovered over hers, bleeding in and out of focus, but never the one her addled brain called for, the one her body had been seeking since she’d first stumbled into partial consciousness an unknown time ago, floating in bleak blackness, unable to navigate except by trying to follow the sounds of familiar voices as they spoke to her, told her to keep fighting, to come back to them. After a time, she’d come to recognize most of her friends and teammates’ voices and even the subtle differences in touch as they’d caressed her hands or stroked her face, but the one she truly wanted had never been there, the voice she wanted to hear above all others, the touch she wanted to feel so badly it hurt, never came.

Three weeks she’d lain unresponsive in a coma, they told her. Three weeks lingering between life and death, the only surety of her condition being that her right leg below the knee was mangled, shattered and unrepairable. Thousands of pounds of metal and momentum easily overpowering and destroying mere flesh and bone, even enhanced tissue.

They’d collided with that last SUV, barrel-rolling until they’d hit a tree and come to a bone-breaking halt. The team, alerted by Bucky’s last garbled scream over the comms, touched down into a war zone, debris scattered like sand. No one in the black SUVs had survived, but both Bucky and Levi had, twisted and trapped in the wreckage. Once freed and rocketing back to the Compound, the true devastation of Levi’s injuries had come to light.

Bucky was hurt badly too, but none of that pain touched his anguish when he learned of Levi’s ruin. He’d howled like a dying wolf, sagging forwards and sobbing, taking great, whooping breaths as Steve struggled to patch and stitch his innumerable wounds. The tang of blood was heavy in the air, the slow patter of crimson drops a ghastly white noise as Bruce, Tony and Nat struggled to stabilize Levi. Finally, the severe concussion he’d suffered had mercifully shut him down and he remained unconscious for the next day and a half.

When he’d woke, he’d learned the extent of Levi’s injuries, seen her rent and wrecked body cadaverously still on the bed, hooked to a dozen or more machines; but it was the fact that she’d lost her leg that seemed to be the breaking point for him. Bucky had thrown a small duffel together and fled the compound, still bruised and bleeding; taking his motorcycle and disappearing into the night.

He’d checked in sporadically since, only long enough to confirm that he still drew breath and not a heartbeat longer. Steve’s attempts to reach him remained ignored and unanswered and he never attempted to reach anyone else.

Steve still remembered the way Bucky had sounded when he’d told him that Levi was awake and responsive, that the last three unspeakably terrifying weeks were over. He’d never heard his oldest friend cry that hard, not even in the quinjet when Levi’s fate had been unknown.

“Are you coming back? She’s asking for you.” Steve gripped the phone, heart hammering. Levi was still weak and vulnerable, needing to rest and recover but right now she was devoting the majority of her energy to asking for Bucky, trying to struggle from her bed to dress her still-broken body and search for him, tearful and pleading for the others to help her, saying that Bucky needed help, he was in pain and she needed to go to him.

Bucky had refused, breathing raggedly over the line, his broken heart and why was it broken? Levi was alive, an audible grinding in his chest with every struggling breath.

For a time, Steve had hated his oldest friend.

Levi’s immediate grief had lessened, or maybe just been buried under the desire to recover and she’d been a machine ever since. Her body had healed quickly for a human, even for an enhanced human, but Levi had pushed and pushed herself, never happy with her limitations.

She’d stop asking in the third month if Bucky would talk to her, stopped asking about him completely in the fourth month and, if it wasn’t for the dark shadow of sadness and misery that clouded her amethyst eyes and weighted her limbs when she didn’t consciously fight the pull, you’d think she was over him.

Now, she was almost ready to rejoin the team, all the bugs and surprises worked out of her advanced prosthetic. Shuri and Tony had collaborated on it and its technology equally even Bucky’s cybernetic arm. The new limb was a leading edge graphite-grey, shot through with lines of deep purple and every toe was its own separate joint; with the exception of the color, a point Levi had insisted on because she refused to try to hide or disguise her new leg as if she was ashamed of it, you would be hard pressed to even guess she had a synthetic limb. Levi had worked hard to eliminate any trace of a limp or favoritism and, like Bucky, was now skilled at using her prothesis to her advantage in combat.

“Hey, movie night later?” Steve asked, falling in step beside Levi as she left the lab.

Levi glanced up at him, shadows still clouding her eyes and forced a smile. “Sure, but I get to pick the movie this time.”

Steve grinned and nodded, pausing long enough to lean down and press a kiss to Levi’s cheek. “You got it; I gotta get out of this suit.”

Levi smirked, reaching over and slapping his ass as he turned to jog away and threw him a friendly finger when he glared mock-seriously back over his shoulder.

********************************************************************************* The Compound was quiet, almost alarmingly so as Bucky entered the building from the garage level and he glanced around, frowning. Was the team out on a mission, the support staff engaged in the control rooms? The building was akin to a bunker and was just as jealously guarded, no doubt his approach was monitored and reported miles ago, his entrance captured on innumerable security cameras.

His leather jacket creaked as Bucky walked down the corridor, and he was struck with the compulsion to slink along, like the assassin of his shadowed past. He was an outsider by now anyway, he’d deserted the team almost six months ago, abandoned the woman he promised to protect and love, the teammates who’d bled for him just as much as he had for them.

He’d been expecting to be met with anger, rage, indignance; a lynch mob baying for his blood but there was nobody, not even a janitor. His skin began to crawl as he entered the private elevator reserved for the team’s suites and, as the doors closed with a muted hiss, he shivered with a sudden chill.

The doors opened on one of the resident floors and Bucky stepped out tentatively. His room was at the far end of the corridor, a minefield of three other teammates’ doors to pass before he got there. Fighting the urge to scurry like a rat, Bucky strode forwards, gripping the handle of his worn duffle tightly, until the straps almost cut into his calloused palm.

Almost there, just a dozen more steps-

“Hey.” Steve’s voice called, but there was no friendliness in it. It was like he was hailing a stranger in a warzone. His shoulders tensing, Bucky turned, prepared for the worst. Steve stood just outside his door; arms crossed over his chest and feet spread shoulder-width apart. His face was expressionless, and his eyes were hard. “Just going to sneak back in. Like you left, without saying anything?”

Bucky fought a wince. If Steve was showing no mercy, then he damned sure wasn’t going to get any from anyone else. Steve huffed out a breath and leaned his shoulder against the wall, relaxing his stance but not his expression.

“What are you doing here, James?”

Ouch.

He was never ‘James’ to Steve.

Bucky glanced back over his shoulder, measuring the distance to his door if he just took a crazy flying leap to escape this tension and Steve took the opportunity to march towards him, not bothering to move quietly, instead sounding like a grizzly bear charging. Bucky turned his head back in time to feel Steve’s finger poke him hard in the chest, pushing him a half-step back.

“I asked you a question.”

“I.. “Bucky sighed, he hated feeling this way. It was like he was falling again, clawing for Steve’s hand on that train; like he was being torn out of the freeze, dragged around while still fighting the crippling weakness and disorientation, the only surety in his world the fact that it was about to be filled with agony. “I don’t know.”

“Are you back?” Steve’s question was clipped. “Because, if you’re planning on just running out again, do it now. Levi doesn’t need to see- “

“How is she?”

“Who? Levi?” Steve’s glared bored into Bucky’s eyes and he fought not to look away. “You’d know yourself if you’d stayed.”

“Steve… “ Bucky held up his hands, palms skyward, giving Steve what little he had. “Please.”

The solitary word, the plea behind it, the simple misery in its single syllable caused a shadow to flash through Steve’s hard glare and he exhaled heavily. “She needed you, Bucky.” He stepped back, shaking his head, then turned and disappeared into his room, slamming the door behind him.

Bucky stood there for a beat, knees unsteady before turning and striding to his door.

********************************************************************************* Levi glanced up as Steve entered the common room and searched his face carefully. He’d texted her earlier today to inform her that Bucky was back and locked in his room, then had come over when Levi asked him to. He’d sat on her bed and watched her pace back and forth before snagging her hand and pulling her down beside him.

“You don’t owe him anything, Lev. You can completely ignore him if you want.”

Levi gazed up at him. “I don’t know if I want to just ‘ignore’ him.”

“Just give it some time. He just got back; you’re not obligated to do anything- “

Levi leapt to her feet again, resuming her pacing. “I know! But… Jesus… I still- “she scrubbed a hand roughly over her face and then through her hair, the bob long since grown out.

“Do you still love him?” Steve asked quietly, watching her carefully. Levi stopped her frantic movements and looked over at him, her expression miserable.

“Yes.” She whispered. “But I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.”

Steve nodded sadly. Forcing a change of subject, he smiled up at her. “Movie night, anything you want, with all of us. Let him stew in his room, we’ll have some fun tonight.”

Levi managed a tight smile.

“Ready?” He asked, brandishing a large bowl of popcorn in each hand proudly.

“Yeah, everyone else on their way?” Even as the words left her mouth, voices reached her ears and the rest of the team filtered in, Bucky conspicuously absent, but Levi wasn’t even sure if Steve had told him about tonight.

Sam snatched a bowl from Steve, sputtering in surprise when it was just as quickly taken from him by Nat. Wanda settled the spat by pushing a bag of chips into Wilson’s hands and rolling her eyes at the redhead.

“Alright, sit down asshats.” Levi called, scooting sideways on the couch to make room.

The sound of the television and the team’s sporadic laughter drew Bucky out later. He quickly narrowed it down to the common room and realized it was one of their infamous movie nights; nights he’d usually shunned unless dragged into it, usually by Nat, and now wished, deep down inside, that he could still be a part of. He’d imagined joining in when he and Levi returned from their mission, snuggling together on the couch, sharing a blanket and maybe getting secretly naughty, but his snub tonight was clear enough.

He was no longer part of the team.

He hesitated at the edge of the room, watching; Clint was sprawled on his stomach on the floor, a pillow fort half-finished around him; Sam was spread-eagled on the armchair, with Nat perched on the arm and over the back, her stomach a convenient pillow for him. Bruce had a small TV tray pulled in front of him at the loveseat and was tinkering on something in addition to various other tools and parts scattered over the rest of the couch as he half paid attention to the screen. Tony had procured some large beanbags at some point in the last six months and he and Pepper were sequestered there, giggling together and not paying attention to the movie at all. But his eyes were drawn to the couch and his heart sank. Levi sat at one end and Bucky could just see the large form of Steve laying beside her, his head on her lap and powerful arm resting across her knees. Levi’s fingers carded gently through his hair and he was half-asleep, his fingers trailing an unconscious mirrored path of her touch along her thighs.

Bucky’s blood boiled even as his chest felt like it was caving in. What had he expected? Steve had had Levi first, at the safe house; when she’d gone into his room and they’d both eyed him nervously the next morning. He’d not smelled Steve on Levi that morning, but that hadn’t ruled out a good shower and, until he’d been unable to fight his own urges anymore, he’d simmered with jealousy at the possibility that Levi had chosen Steve over him. Any headway he’d made on the mission had obviously been overridden by Steve’s presence now and they looked downright cozy on the couch together; the punk in the exact position that Bucky was supposed to be in, it was supposed to be Bucky feeling Levi’s fingers in his hair, him feeling her thighs beneath his head, her sweet smell surrounding him.

His metal fist creaked as he balled it, his nails biting into the palm of his flesh one. He was ready to bail, back out of the room and leave when Sam glanced over and saw him.

“Hey, joining us?” He asked, a hard edge of challenge in his voice. It was hard to decipher exactly which option he preferred, and Bucky froze as the rest of the team swiveled their heads to look at him. Steve’s head lifted from Levi’s lap and he eyed Bucky briefly before turning his head and murmuring something to Levi. Sitting up, he scooted closer to Levi and gestured to the now open end of the couch.

Bucky hesitated. The last thing he wanted was to sit next to Steve and Levi, but there was no where else to go and what final, frail strands of friendship would he snap by turning and leaving them again? The muscle in his jaw clenched briefly before he schooled his features and strode forwards, sitting stiffly on the unoccupied end of the couch. Attention returned to the movie, after a few long, appraising gazes at him and Bucky forced himself to relax. He glanced over and immediately regretted it. Steve and Levi were practically in each other’s laps, the blond man leaning against Levi, his head on her shoulder. They’d pulled a blanket up over them and Bucky’s glare burned there, trying to see through the fabric, to see what was going on beneath it.

Levi giggled at something Steve whispered and Bucky’s fist creaked again as rage boiled through him. Every instinct in him screamed to stand and tear Steve away from his girl, crush his mouth to hers and brand her until there was no mistaking his claim on her.

But could he ever call her that anymore? His girl? Hadn’t he shattered that bond when he’d abandoned her at her most vulnerable?

No one offered him a bowl of snacks and any appetite he might have had was shot anyway, watching Levi and Steve out of the corner of his eye. The bastard had his head on her shoulder, tucked right up against her cheek and she had her head tilted to rest against his. Levi studiously ignored him, focusing solely on the movie, giggling every now and then at something Steve muttered to her.

Bucky’s nostrils flared as his temper ratcheted up and the only thing that kept him from acting on his simmering rage was the certain knowledge that he no longer had a right to. He’d waived any and all rights to Levi and her body the minute he’d straddled his bike and roared off into the night, and he’d only expounded on that every single time he refused to speak to her.

But it hurt too much, to hear her voice and not be there to touch her; to sense the pain and discomfort she was most likely in. She had been hurt badly by the crash, the wreck he’d put her through; she’d lost her goddamned leg, and it was all his fault. The last thing he was entitled to now was her love and attention.

The movie dragged, and Bucky had no idea what was playing anyway. He kept catching covert little glances his way, sidelong little looks that flicked between Levi and Steve and him as if expecting him to snap and tear the two of them apart, like he absolutely wanted to. The credits were barely rolling before he couldn’t stand it any longer and leapt to his feet, scurrying down the hallway like someone was chasing him.

Levi watched him run away, a curious feeling of satisfaction and shame coursing through her. She and Steve weren’t an item, they never had been and never would be, he was like a brother to her and their awkward fumbling in the safe house had only confirmed that for each other; but he had become a major pillar of support for her these last six months and their closeness during the movie had not been a show for Bucky’s benefit. Steve was a snuggler, a serial cuddler and so was Levi; no one else on the team liked to be spider-monkeyed while they were trying to pay attention to the movie so it always turned out to be just the two of them; hell, it wasn’t unusual for Levi to outright crawl into Steve’s lap anymore, his arms circling her and his head resting on top of hers. Their closeness tonight had not been to try and drive Bucky crazy with jealousy, if anything, it had been an attempt by Levi to continue on with her new life, with what had become a deep and important bond with Steve, the man who’d been there even when the man who owned her heart had not been.

But seeing Bucky again had stirred more than just anger and hurt in her heart. She missed him, every bit of him, the way he used to tease her through texts, amping her up while she was still at work and could do nothing but rub her thighs together to try and calm the heat rising between them; she missed the way he’d touch her, draw her close as they sat on the couch at night, the way he’d trail gentle kisses along the curve of her neck to wake her in the mornings and the way he’d pull her to him at night, snuggling close and wrapping himself around her, a protective cocoon of hard muscles and warm flesh.

But they’d started out as adversaries, Bucky’s misguided attempt to keep distance between them and had been drawn together anyway; and now they were apart again, and again, it had been Bucky that had chosen that, forced that on the both of them and Levi wasn’t sure if she had the strength to fight for them a second time.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #the avengers #sebastian stan #protective bucky barnes #bucky x levi #bucky x lev #bucky x nika #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes angst #thighs of betrayal #james buchanan barnes #not happening doll #bucky barnes drama #bucky x oc #bucky #bucky barnes undercover #bucky barnes romance

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thanksjro · 4 years

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The Transformers #30- Chaos Part 4: Swerve’s Destiny is Revealed

It would seem that the Kimia nerds got rescued between issues, as they’ve left the escape pod and are currently being briefed by Arcee and Hardshell. Again. It’s a lot to go over, and, as pointed out by Brainstorm and Chromedome, they haven’t had the benefit of being able to actually think about what’s currently happening. They almost died like ten minutes ago, they’re probably still in shock over this whole thing, and that doesn’t make for good info retention.

Luckily, Swerve’s here, and breaking down the story so far is very much going to be his shtick from here on out.

So here’s what you need to know:

Galvatron has the Heart of Darkness, which can bring things back to life and allows them to be controlled by the wielder of said Heart of Darkness

The Heart of Darkness is supposed to be able to stop the D-Void from destroying the universe

The D-Void is basically the personification of the Dead Universe, which is a strictly BAD place to be

The Heart of Darkness is probably actually a part of the D-Void

The Heart of Darkness can open a portal on Cybertron to let the D-Void into this universe

That’s bad

Everyone please thank Swerve for breaking this down, because the alternative was having to actually read Heart of Darkness, and I just don’t have the constitution to put myself through that train wreck.

Down on Cybertron, Bluestreak’s having a minor crisis, seeing as everything’s gone to shit and doesn’t really seem like it’ll be improving any time soon. Wheelie shows up and starts slapping the back half of his rifle against a wall, making music much like he did back when he was pulling a Castaway. To anyone wondering: no, this is not good gun safety. I don’t care if they’re giant robots and the rifle fires a laser.

I guess Bluestreak wasn’t made aware of Wheelie’s whole deal, because Cliffjumper starts explaining what exactly he’s doing, when a Sweep falls out of a pile overhead. There’s this very visceral moment where they’re all questioning why the fuck they’re still on Cybertron, as the focus shifts to Megatron fighting the big ugly monster combiner, from which the Sweep fell. It’s looking pretty up in the air as to who’s going to win this fight, and Cliffjumper isn’t too keen to stick around to find out the outcome.

Down inside the planet, Rodimus is still freaking out about Drift’s grievous chest wound, because he’s a good friend. He’s also completely aware of what the hell Galvatron’s going to do- he’s going to throw the Heart of Darkness at Vector Sigma, the source of Cybertronian life and also maybe god. How does Rodimus know this? Matrix wisdom. He’s not carrying the Matrix at present, but he’s nearby the thing, and it seems to like him.

Optimus tells Ironhide to take Drift up to the surface to get patched up. Ironhide tries to argue that his job is to keep Optimus safe- which it is- but both he and Rodimus tell him that he’s punched enough holes in his “miraculous death and resurrection” punchcard to get a free pass on this one.

Back with Megatron, he’s having a one-way screaming match with the monster, telling it to kiss his ass, because he’s too powerful and awesome and Megatronny to be controlled and made into a part of the collective. Then he gets struck by lightning.

Or maybe he shoots it out of his chest? Let’s go with the second one, because Galvatron felt that hit, and he’s not exactly sure why. Galvatron doesn’t know how to use context clues, it would seem. Optimus and Rodimus catch up to him and Jhiaxus, telling him not to do the thing.

Ah, crap, he did the thing.

This results in the instruments in Arcee and Hardshell’s ship to go haywire, not even reading Cybertron as existing anymore. Good thing they still have functional eyes, so they can land by sight.

Too bad the planet’s falling apart around them. They have to jump ship before the crash, which they do.

Rewind looks fucking huge back there. He could probably kick my ass.

Of course, the ship still has to hit the ground somewhere, and it decides to go for a bit of dramatic irony as it smacks into Galvatron.

Who is at the center of the planet currently.

Terminal velocity must be on a whole other level on Cybertron.

Galvatron is fine, by the way. He runs off, and the D-Void eats Vector Sigma and also everything else. Rodimus and Optimus watch in horror, but they differ in one regard: Rodimus offers a goddamn solution to their problem. He says to throw the Matrix at it, and is pretty sure it’ll work, based on zero evidence. Optimus doesn’t want to, because if they lose the Matrix, that would really suck, because they’ve already lost Sector Sigma and also might lose Cybertron.

Even though the Dead Universe is going to destroy literally everything, so it wouldn’t even matter. I’m not sure why he’s suddenly gotten sentimental over the Matrix, it doesn’t seem like he even likes the thing.

While Optimus is having a moment, Galvatron takes the opportunity to shoot both of them.

Cue Cyclonus.

Cyclonus doesn’t take too kindly to the destruction of Cybertron, because Cyclonus is a patriot. He’s also not too bright, if this is the point where he’s decided things have gone too far, as opposed to using Kimia to slap a hole into the crust and mantle of the planet. There might have been some mind control involved there, but honestly it’s a bit vague in terms of how deep that went.

Galvatron throws Cyclonus off of him, only to start being eaten by the Dead Universe himself, and screaming in terror as his deeds come back to haunt him. It’s at this point that Optimus gets with the program and runs at Vector Sigma, titties-first.

He jumps into Vector Sigma, then we get a fade to white.

When the art fades back in, Optimus is kneeling in what looks like an abandoned lot under the stars. The Matrix is on the ground, and it’s seen better days.

Oh man, it broke clean in half. That’s real mysterious. Someone should go on a quest to see what that’s all about.

And that’s the end of IDW’s The Transformers (2009). Maybe next run they’ll think up a title that hasn’t been beaten like a dead horse.

No. No, they won’t.

Up next, The Death of Optimus Prime.

#transformers #jro #the transformers 2009 #issue 30 #maccadam #Hannzreads #text post #long post #story plotting

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wkngsnds · 4 years

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope’s Peak High School Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Pekoyama Peko Characters: Pekoyama Peko, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko Additional Tags: Super late valentine day fic, this was going to be so much darker than before with other characters, but I though focusing on Peko for this would have been better Summary: Maybe coming to Hope’s Peak Academy was exactly what they needed to fix sixteen years of miscommunication and things left in silence

 Here is a very very late Valentine’s Day fic that I meant to post way earlier, but school. Hopefully, White Day will be on time or not as late.

Peko had arrived from Baiso* twenty minutes ago, but had stared intensely at the items laid out before her for the last fifteen minutes. This particular convenience store had student discounts given its location to Hope’s Peak, thus out of her 2,000 yen monthly stipend* she managed to save 1000 yen. It was enough to cover “bodily maintenance”, and given that she always managed to save from the month prior any quick emergencies were covered for.

In front of her, there were two small bags of dairy-free chocolate melts: one brown and the other white. Next to those was an all inclusive kit filled with: a bunny patterned silicone mold, two filling pipers, and two decorating pipers. In reality, there were a variety of molds presented in the store— above all else, there were hearts to every degree that they all but exploded across the wall. Those were immediately out of the question, of course. Below those were adorable animal shaped ones: bunnies, kittens, puppies, and the like; unfortunately, she lost this battle of self-control and gave into the demon of impulse, thus purchasing the aforementioned bunny set. For a moment in the store, she wondered if getting the more sophisticated mold kit would have been better. IF (and that was an incredibly large if) he had accepted her chocolates, Peko did not want him to feel as though she were emasculating him.

Quite the opposite really. She wanted to give him something that she enjoyed making for him.

Up until now, she had simply given him giri choco* along side a small, simplistic ‘thank you note’; one time she ‘changed things up’ and wrote ‘thank you’ in calligraphy rather than using a 0.5mm pen. Devoid of all personal attachment, it was professional and straight to the point: a token of her appreciation for allowing her to stay by his side after all these years. She knows she was a cause of stress for him, and she reckons she’s partly to blame for his severe insecurities, but he hasn’t forsaken her yet, and to that she’s grateful. She’s grateful to him for a lot of things. That being said, with their time at Hope’s Peak, Pekoyama now found the gesture inaccurate— that is, saying ‘thank you’ was lacking; it did not entirely encompass what she wanted to express. She was not certain what it was that she did want to express, but she knew it was far more than ‘thank you’. It’s why she had met with Hajime Hinata, the ex reserve course student who transferred along side Lady Natsumi, in secret, to start brainstorming. Granted, the idea of psychoanalysis outside the field of torture was pointless to her; Peko thought there was not much of her to ‘analyze’ in the first place. Yes, it can be said that she ‘passed’ the psychological assessment the school administered (by law) for freshmen, but those were simple yes or no answers that anyone could fib. Which she did. However, now she wanted to be honest with him…and with herself.

That’s right. Pekoyama Peko the Tool was going to confess her desire to be equals with her young master.

Even now, with no turning back, she was consumed with second thoughts: the kind that reached deep into her abdomen, and twisted her intestines, but she could only squirm in response (she’s familiar with the action because she’s done it to other people). If she went through with this—no, when she went through with this their relationship would change regardless of his answer. Peko understands what he has told her for the last… since they could speak, so the probability of him rejecting the notion is unlikely. But it’s not a 100% acceptance, either. If on the off chance he says no, that he has an epiphany overnight, and recognizes his role in the family (and thus hers to him) he could very well kill her on the spot if he so pleases. If he rejects her request but does not kill her, then their relationship would continue to strain. He might grow paranoid of her new attitude, thinking she might launch an attack on him, so he would have to have her killed and replaced.

The notion was as ridiculous as it was impossible; not him killing her, mind you, but her betraying him.

The swordswoman poured another cup of ginger tea from her electric kettle. ‘A good kind of nervousness’, was how Hajime described it: the kind of excitement that could easily be confused for dread— a fighting spirit clashing with a ten foot concrete wall.

“You definitely don’t look like a pushover, Pekoyama, but you do keep to yourself, right? So then you’re not the type to ask for much, but because of that something like this is even more nerve wrecking for you.”

“I suppose that makes sense. However, this is something he’s wanted for a long time, and now that I recognize it as something…that I want too, I do not understand why I am so nervous.”

“It’s okay to feel that way, Pekoyama. Even if you’re ready for it, not knowing exactly how things will turn out makes anyone nervous. It’s okay to feel that way, you have every right to.”

But was it really okay to tap into her emotions? Emotions clouded judgements, made some hesitate, and others get killed. Of course, it would be a lie to say she felt nothing at all in the years, but now she actually has deal with her feelings instead of running from them at her convenience. You see, suppressing her feelings had became a such a messy crutch while growing up, and it was one she didn’t realize she’d been using until she began to properly think for herself during her time at the school. It rationalized the deep rooted loneliness— convinced herself that she would only ever be “the other” in the room. It justified her murders of men and women whom she had only been told deserved to die. It made the dimly lit cellar (the one with the cage, two chairs, and a medical cart) which was layers below the estate bearable. Sometimes, it yielded her jealousy (Envy? Both?) of the pretty convenience store clerk whose face did not scare others and whose eyes were not monstrous like her own.

Above all, she feels a visceral reaction to the thought of being anything but a tool. Though, it was more that possessing a will of her own greatly unnerved her. And how could it not? The idea that she could make decisions for herself, possess her own morals, express her own preferences, care about herself beyond…basic maintenance of her body was completely foreign to her. Now, to search for those jaded fragments of herself without anyone’s permission but her own made her head pound. Peko sighed. Perhaps she should just leave the chocolates with a quick note in his locker early in the morning. What if her face became too intense and she scared him, again? Like she always did when they were younger. There was also the option of running up to him, all but shoving the chocolates into his hands, and running off to the school’s dojo to distract herself with training.

But that was the way of a coward, was it not?

If the kendo athlete wanted to cheap out, she would have just bought a generic chocolate set from the store. No, almost every action of hers was carefully planned out— with the exception of the mold choice, of course. Peko needed to do this, not just for him, but for herself. It was a battle unlike any she had faced before: that is, the fight for her own humanity.

Inhale.

Exhale.

One thing at a time, just like Hajime told her. For now, she retrieved the remaining tools— filling a small pot with water to create a Bain Marie on the hot plate. Beginning with the brown chocolate, she opens the bag carefully so as to not make an entire mess. Given the size of the bag, she would not have needed all its contents; however, with all of Hajime’s help she felt inclined to make a small batch for him as well. Granted, they were not to be specially molded as his were, and she’d only give him the brown one, but he was the first person she could truly call a friend. That, Peko thought, most certainly warranted homemade chocolate. It was funny, she’d spent her whole life with him, but they never connected the same way her and Hajime did.

Yet, she does not find herself discouraged by this fact. In a small way, she did feel guilty: information that he always asked for was given so willfully to a stranger who was only just assigned his title a few months prior. But, after tomorrow, it did not have to be that way. Mind you, Peko was still navigating in the dark— no she could navigate in the dark without her glasses on. She was navigating a battlefield without her sword at her hand, humongous warriors clashed all around her, there was torrential downpour with horrendous winds, and she didn’t have her glasses on. Yes, that was a better analogy. Point is, she still had no idea how to manage human relationships beyond a superficial level; even with Hinata’s bond, things were completely different with him. The bodyguard knows him; not everything about him (she gave him his privacy when she could), but they were as close as two non related humans could be. It was a closeness different from his with Lady Natsumi, that much is obvious.

Peko ponders for a moment. Did everything have to be different with him? That was the whole point of everything she’s done up until now, wasn’t it? That she wanted things to be different between them, but only to the extent in which the walls between them would be torn down. Maybe, like in her fashion, she was overthinking things again: taking them to an extreme rather than taking a moment to breathe. She would have to check the school’s roster for an Ultimate Yoga Instructor. Then, with the idea of finding one’s inner peace through slow movements, it clicks.

Honesty.

She just has to start by being honest with him, little by little. Even if she did not want bother him with her feelings, keeping them to herself will, no doubt, continue to worsen his trust in her. She wouldn’t start confessing her life, but small, in the moment conversations she thinks she can handle. Maybe, it could encourage him to open up to her as well. Like her, he was blunt with his words, but hardly honest with himself. He could come to her, as a trusted comrade to discuss his problems or plans without telling her not to worry about it or that he could handle it on his own. Hell, they could just talk about anything. They could talk like regular people.

The chocolates were finished, by the way; the small boxes were separated by receiver, and ready to accept their respective sweets. She is sure to distinguish the two by grabbing a post it note, writing “Thank you for all your hard work” upon it, and sticking it onto Hinata’s box.

Fuyuhiko’s box didn’t need a note. Her words would have to be enough.

—

No amount of kendo tournaments, sessions with Hajime, nor appointed ‘jobs’ could have prepared Peko for the sheer terror she felt at the moment: sitting in front of the fountain, waiting for him. She first intertwined her hands to yield their incessant tapping from her knees, but her thumbs begin to fidget. Then, she decided to sit on them, but of course her legs began to bounce hard enough that the tap tap tap of her heels began to irritate herself. Finally, she stood up and began to circle the fountain with a controlled speed in hopes of calming her heart. What good would it do if she couldn’t even get her words out? It was a miracle the swordswoman managed to invite him here in the first place.

She took a deep breath, ‘Excuse me, Ku-Kuzuryu?’ They we’re still in class, so she had to whisper less Mioda overheard even though she was currently in conversation.

‘Huh? What’s up?’ He responds just as quietly, but he doesn’t turn all the way to face her. For that she’s grateful.

‘I…I need to speak with you. May we please meet at the fountain after school?’

‘O-Oh, sure. Everything good?’

‘Yes!’ She answered good quickly, ‘That is to say, there is nothing to be concerned about. Well, there is something, b-but it does not endanger your safety.’

‘…Okay? After school, fountain. Got it.’

In hindsight, she should have shut up after ‘yes’, but her nerves had been on edge since she woke up. Although no drama-like hijinxs occurred, Pekoyama hadn’t realized how intense her gaze was until Hajime pointed it out when she delivered his chocolates. She doubly thanked him for calling her out, least she scarred him off. After the Ultimate Counselor bid her good luck, Peko all but sped walked to the fountain, and even managed to leave class four minutes earlier.

It’s not until her fourth turn around the fountain that Pekoyama sees him through the gushing water. Maybe it was the angle of the sunset, but he looked particularly handsome in this light. Walking back to the bench with her bag, she quickly greets him as per usual.

“So, what’s up?”

It was now or never.

“Ha-Happy Valentines D-Day, Fuyu…hiko.” Having taken out the chocolates from her bag, she bows with her arms extended towards him.

“Did you just…?” For a moment, she begins to panic; she was still bowed, so she could not see the look of utter of shock on his face— not mortified or disgusted, like she thinks, just…surprised. Not knowing this, she tenses, but this time in fear of disrespecting him; he already had been at the estate, and she didn’t want to join the lot that did. Peko tried her hardest not grip the box too tightly in her hands, but her heart pounded in her throat while seconds felt like hours awaiting his response.

But then, her hands feel light as he takes the box from her. She straightens up immediately with an eagerness to see his reaction.

“D-Did you make these? Just for me?”

“Yes!” But that wasn’t entirely honest, “I did give chocolates to Hinata, but only with what I had left, a-as a thank you for being…a friend to me. But yes…I made them with you in mind.”

“It’s okay, Peko, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.” She watches the way his fingers linger over the box cover, “Can I…is it okay if I try one now?”

The setting sun reflects its red lights upon his cheeks, or so she assumes. Nevertheless she urges him to do so while letting him know they were dairy free, and so safe for him. He takes it upon himself to sit down when opening the box (his hands were shaking too), and she could only stand there gawking like an idiot until he tells her sit down as well. She doesn’t sit immediately next to him, but the gap is not as wide as it was months ago. In fact, the physical gap between them hadn’t been so wide for the past few weeks— however, whether that was intentional or not was an entirely different discussion.

“That’s right…” He says, smiling down at the chocolates, “You try to hide it, but you like cute things like this, don’t you?”

“That’s…”

His grin widens at her heated face, “Fluffy things, the color black, and cute crap are the stuff you like best, yeah? Hey! Don’t act so surprised; I know you more than you think I do.”

In the moment, Peko hadn’t known her heart could pound against her ribs without performing a highly intensive workout. She wasn’t one for many words, but even now it was particularly difficult to do so. Part of her wants to remain silent, watching him take his first bite in some irrational hope that he suddenly developed telepathy and thus could read her thoughts. That way, he could understand exactly what she wanted to say to him without her tongue twisting in some foolish manner. There would be no more miscommunication or ‘almost spoken things’ between.

But, nothing in life were that easy. So, she forces herself to speak,

“How….are they? Does it agree with your stomach?”

“Perfect.” Though, she does not know that even if they were horrible, he still would have eaten if only because she made. Unfortunately, he was always bad with words as she was.

“Really?” Her eyes lit up, “I am…glad you enjoy them.”

“Yeah, they are. I’m so used to you just leaving some store bought ones on my desk, so when I only saw Natsumi’s karinto I-I got a little worried you weren’t going to give me some this year.” He covers the box just as carefully as he opened it, “But then I realized it was unmanly and, frankly, shitty for me to just assume you’d give me something.”

“N-No no, it isn’t. It’s only logical to expect chocolates after years of receiving them. I simply wanted to make them this year.” She takes a deep breath this time, feeling a sense of chills drowning her, “However, the chocolates are not…the only reason I asked to meet with you.”

“O-Oh, yeah? Why, uh, why else did you want to see me?”

“I….please forgive me, but to say something like this…I do not know if my words will come out correctly.”

“T-There’s no way to know if you don’t say it.” Unbeknownst to her, his heart also felt like it would explode at the moment even when he tries to slouch to appear more casual. Yet, he also sits up to let her know he was most definitely listening to her, “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“Right, well th-that is…” She places a hand on her chest, trying and hoping to calm her erratic beating, “I think,” She breathes again, “No, I have reached the conclusion, on my own, that I do not…” Remember to look at him, “I do not want to be your tool anymore.”

“…Peko?”

But she can’t handle the way he stares back at her, not with repugnance nor detestation, but completely flabbergasted. Truthfully, meeting the gaze of his widened golden eyes (the same eyes which pulled her through on so many occasions) is too much for her right now.

“Y-You needn’t worry, of course. I do not intend to cease my efforts in keeping you safe. Protecting you is something that is incredibly important to me, and it always will be!” It’s the only thing she can say confidently, “However, now it is because I…I care about you. Because I want to care about you.”

Surprisingly, the more she spoke the less dread she felt,

“I realize now that these feelings are not of obligation, but a result of my…h-human self. There are still things I do not know, things that I do not remember, and things I do not comprehend when it comes to being a person. To be honest, ‘being myself’ is an…overwhelming goal to achieve, and I do not really know where to begin. However, I do know that from today onwards I want stay by your side out of my own fee will. I want to see the same horizons you do, to fight along side you.” Finally, with furrowed brows, she looks at him, “I-Is that okay? Is…is it wrong?”

15 seconds….34 seconds…1 minute…

“How could that ever be wrong?” He finally responds to her, “I’ve told you time after time, but I guess I was too much of an impatient asshole, and just needed to let you figure it out for yourself. I’m sorry for that, Peko.”

“Does this mean…you’ll accept me as I am? To be along side you?”

Peko is caught off guard when he takes her closest to him into both of his: not squeezing, but holding it between his own. She’s sure he can feel her erratic pulse, the way he thumbed over her wrist as held her. She doesn’t pull away from him— she never wanted to, and now she doesn’t have to. At least, when they were like this.

“If that’s what you really want, then there’s no way I’d ever stop you.” He stops petting her hand for a moment, “But…you have to let me protect you too.”

Huh?

“I do not entirely understand.”

His grasp tightens and his gaze does not waver, “You said that you care about me, right? W-Well it’s the same for me, too, ya know? I don’t order you around, because I didn’t want you to think I only thought of you as a tool for me. I never did. I also didn’t want to put your life in danger even if the old man thinks otherwise. I know you’re strong, much stronger than me, and you’re perfectly capable of taking care yourself, but I…I still want to defend you. I know I have a ways to go myself, but I want to be a man that you can readily rely on, a confidant, your friend, and maybe e-even…” He trails off after that, the red on his cheeks deepening as he removed one hand to adjust his tie; it was a nervous tick of his she knew well.

Without realizing, she’s smiling gently at him. For once, Peko allows herself to be in the moment. She let’s herself be.

“Well then, I am in your care, Fuyuhiko.”

#kuzupeko #posted here if you can’t access ao3

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