#i quite like writing resolutions tbh - i make a physical list‚ then fold it up‚ and put it in the little pocket at the back of my journal

[hauntswitch]

I've seen a few of these sort of posts going around this year, so here are my personal mandates for 2024

The importance of being earnest

Wear your heart on your sleeve

Make effort in everyday mundanities (don't eat food from the pan, keep the reed diffuser topped up, polish boots, and that sort of thing)

Partake in the act of creation to keep the mental demons at bay

Play instruments until your hands bleed

Read poetry to find beauty despite the horrors

Write poetry to make beauty despite the horrors

Death to tiktok

Remember the value in reflecting upon the good as well as the bad

Satiate the insane hunger to know everything by reading as much as possible

Conscious improvement will beat intentional complacency to death with a bat

Draw things, even if they suck. Art is a sacrament

Run until it hurts, then run until it stops hurting

Succeed through stubbornness

Hope is a knight against misery

And finally, 12th doctor's regeneration speech, naturally.

[sanguinesprout]

Some storms have passed, hopefully it’ll be warmer soon (updates and blah)

Um, welp... this may be my late-st post yet, that’s something new I guess lol, it ain’t so bad. I was seriously considering not posting this month but I know if I don’t stick to some sort of schedule then I’ll get too lazy and all past efforts will just be lost. At first I was busy for a few days, then I remembered and felt lazy some and then I forgot for some more days, but I’m here now and Imma write this post hoo!

I had another kind of argument and cry involving my sis but it was from a misunderstanding and it was brief and the make up was fast. I still find it hard to express my true feelings to her and her words still cut so strikingly hurtful and are seemingly insensitive at times, but some of mine must’ve hurt her just as bad too. When will I be able to speak my true mind? It’s just so difficult... but in time, with some work I really hope for that to be possible. 

Lately, I’ve been more active on getting my health problems sorted out, making and going to appointments and stuff. Well, none of the problems have actually been sorted out yet, as previously attempted, but I gotta keep pushing about them to hopefully get a better sort of resolution this time. I also went to some other health appointments I had being putting off, as with a lot of things, they weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be, which is good and good of me to finally do them ^^ Avoiding and not doing anything accomplishes nothing after all and again health is super important!

One of the appointments was to a mental health advisor person. The funny thing is I was inadvertently recommended to see them when I was investigating some physical problems. I kinda was hopeful that maybe I’d get referred somewhere better than last time’s super general counsellor by this advisor but uhhh nope. They smiled a lot and asked me how I generally was and a few tidbits about my past and then everything else was just some very general stuff about changing the way you think blah blah. I brung up AVPD, asked if there was anyone I could see who specialised in personality disorders but it was pretty much brushed off, which really sucked. 

At the end they asked if maybe I was interested in mindfulness/anxiety-reducing group therapy sessions and gave me some brief printouts with info. My first instinct would be to avoid like hell at the mention of being in a group, I was kind of irked by it and they noticed but they said to think about it and let them know next week. I also asked if there was someone else I could see 1-on-,1 but as they could see on record I already went to see someone last time (which I guess is the only thing of that they have) there was no luck there.

I’m debating whether to go or not, it could be helpful, there actually isn’t anything to lose. I’m just super paranoid about accidentally meeting someone I knew there (which is pretty irrational and who cares really ‘cause we’re in the same boat kinda thing). Also that I’ll have to give lots of info about myself to strangers, but the sheets say you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to/contribute as little or as much as you like, so that took away some of my uneasiness.

I can’t say it’ll be worth it or not unless I try it of course, a new experience and going out is good at least. I think maybe I will research it some more, then maybe go at least for one session just to see if I like it... hmm. Be brave me! You’ll be okay!

There were two groups I got handouts on, they’re both kind of similar but not. I assume I can only attend one, which one to choose? Maybe I’ll ask for more details when I next see the advisor. I’m proud of myself for going to the advisor foremost, I was pretty anxious and ready to avoid them at first lol.

I’m still very concerned about my family’s health :c My mum has been doing somewhat better, test results are slightly positive but still iffy and more follow-up tests are needed. The wait for those is long, it’s saddening and all the more scary. I really hope she’ll be okay. I wish I was stronger and could help out more. I really need to help myself faster and then help everyone else as soon as I can.

My dad’s health has actually been worse lately, we’ve been noticing some extra symptoms and even he has mentioned not feeling well and we keep telling him to see the doctor but he’s still super reluctant to. But even once he wondered to us if he should go after all. Being scared of going to the doctor or being scared of the increasing toll your health could be taking? I know which one of those I find worse. Maybe I should be more tricky like I did the previous times making appointments for him or at least try more convincing.

My sis’ health has not been too great lately either, she took on a second job and it’s very draining physically and she doesn’t get as much sleep but she does it because we need the extra financial help. I don’t like that it’s taking a strain on her health, it’s both physically and mentally stressful. I definitely agree she should quit if it really is too much. I need to hurry and get a job, things aren’t looking too great for me lately though, no more interview offers as of yet and not many application opportunities out there.

The job my sis got is actually the one I mentioned last time, which I was also invited to interview for. The ‘interview’ was just an extremely long winded talk with about only enough time for you to say maybe a few sentences about yourself in a room of a few people. Their whole system and just everything is extremely unorganised and so slap dash. The appointment dates were messed up and the interviewer had not seen any of our CV’s so all he had to go on to decide was the few lines we uttered pretty much.

As my sis works there now, she’s been telling me of how that disorganised-ness and everything literally encompasses and translates to the whole store and all its’ staff’s less than ideal work attitudes. I seriously thought such a big company would’ve been so much better than this, it’s really disappointing and makes me like it so much less. In a way, I’m kind of glad I was rejected, it’s like I dodged a bullet and with my health I would’ve struggled ten-fold 

I was disappointed with myself when I gave my few lines about myself in the ‘interview’. We were asked mostly what our career experience was and I really didn’t have much at all. I also answered briefly because I was one of the first to be asked. Just sitting there while everyone else went through their long list of past jobs and duties, man, it sucked and totally pushed me far out of the orbit of consideration lol. I was proud of myself at least for enduring the long-ass talks and for engaging and asking questions and keeping my cheery face on, good me.

In other things I kind of cut contact with the few online ‘friends’ I had been awkwardly avoiding and being scared to get rid of for so long. I was so anxious about it for so many years and had resorted to just not visiting that place at all but now that weight has pretty much been lifted. I still feel riddled with guilt and feel sad about it, but they weren’t really ‘friend friends’ more like acquaintances from a past mutual interest, so I shouldn’t feel so bad. I can’t believe all the energy I wasted fretting and overthinking, to them it was probably nothing as they have many other more important friends. People move on and people find new friends and interests, it happens all the time and it’s okay, it’s just life.

If something is hurting you or making you uncomfortable, just let it go, get rid of it for the sake of yourself and your health. It might hurt someone by doing so, but not doing so and letting yourself be hurt so much is no good either. That’s what a different friend told me and they are probably the only one I still keep in contact with now. I guess I got so caught up in being afraid to hurt some people a little that I forgot I was hurting myself a lot in the process. 

Even with the good friend though, it’s... awkward and uncomfortable still in a way, I’m not sure if’s just me or maybe if it’s them a little. I feel like maybe they only still talk to me to be nice. That they reply only out of obligation, but I’ve asked them this and they’ve denied it kind of... Tbh I feel like I wanted to cut contact with them too sometimes but I couldn’t and I probably wouldn’t. 

I can’t be sure if that’s just the avoidant and irrational part of me talking. You know, all the bad stuff floating in my head telling me I’m a nuisance to others, not worth talking to, awkward and just all these things putting myself down in general when it comes to communication and worth, I shouldn’t believe it. None of it is really true. Why is it so easy to believe these lies and irrational thoughts?

I am good and I am worthy, I have the choice to let go of things and believe in things that I want to, and I want these things to be positive and true, not negative and irrational! 

In other creative/leisure blah I have just not had the mood or energy to do much at all and it really blows because there’s still so much I haven’t done yet. I don’t want to keep being afraid of everything >< I did manage to do the tiniest bit of sewing again, things went wrong again and it was stressful but it kind of went okay in the end, so yay!

I’ve been kind of trying to build up the courage to sort of interact and be present more online, though the action hasn’t happened yet. It’s what happens when I take a break from something, the fear just builds up again and I’m back to square one. I feel like as with the previous mentioned stuff about friends and just kind of existing in places I didn’t want to be, that my slate has partially been wiped clean, like I can start anew and just be me a bit more in a new place. It’s only partially though, I still feel held back by all the bad feels and guilt and awkward from just every past interaction and the fear of the new. I need some more pep talk and convincing for myself first, but I will get there!

Something helpful to remember to do is instead of thinking of everything that could go wrong, to instead think of everything that could go right! It really flips over that scary negative feeling into something more nice and motivating. In the case of what I’m trying to do, it’s something I’ve already done before, so I’ve proven to myself I can do it already. Doing things is not actually that hard or scary, just don’t overthink everything and look to the positives rather than the negatives! Apply this more more more!

I think here’s a good place to stop now. As with every time... I did it, I wrote the post after putting it off so long, yay! 8D

I will try to remind myself the best I can, to be positive, be brave and be me! 

You too! Keep going! Up up up!

Have a positive and productive week! :D