#i saw the foot and just assumed it was a joke that i didnt understand

[camelspit]

tell me you didn’t see my post where i accidentally pasted in a clipart of a foot instead of a screenshot of lenore

I absolutely saw it lmao

[ghastlybin]

Hewo my dear, may i request a jiu fluff, maybe has crutches but didnt tell jiu to no worry her, but then when jiu pay visits after work welp- just fluff and cuddles perhaps? I do understand if this is too boring to write tho

Heyoooo, thank you for requesting 💜💜 I really appreciate you and your support :))) it’s not boring also, and as weird as it sounds, I gave myself butterflies writing this 💀💀 thanks for fueling my ego (joking joking) much love though :)

Pairing: Jiu x Reader

Word count: 855

Genre/contents: fluffy fluffy I’m not always evil but there’s minimal angst? If you consider it angst lol

Note: I’M SO SORRY I’M LATE LETS GOOOOOOO- also I’ve never broken a bone before so I’m sorry if I sound like a netflix tv show writer that’s trying to relate to teens here, but rest assured, I know how to break a bone.

I wanna D word for her.

It was only an accident.

Just a moment of clumsiness on your part but still, you had to make a trip to the hospital.

The sidewalk shouldn’t have been in the way, you thought.

You rolled your eyes, seeing the cast wrapped around your ankle.

Yeah, it’s the sidewalk’s fault for not having an even path.

It’s the sidewalk’s fault you fell and fracture your ankle so bad that you needed a cast.

You never told Minji. Just that you tripped and only went to the hospital because you wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to get worse.

Half of a truth but also half of a lie.

“Hey, it’s good you weren’t hurt but you really need to be careful!” Minji spoke through the phone. You could tell how worried she was just by her tone.

She only found out because of a video someone took of you falling.

You were glad the video did not show you in pain. Worrying Minji was the last thing you wanted.

In fact, it wasn’t even on the list of things you wanted to do.

“I’m okay! It really wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.” You tried to reassure her.

“That is not the point! You are wearing bubble wrap next time you go out!” By Minji’s tone, she was still pretty concerned about you.

“Oh, sorry I have to go, I love you!” Minji then hung up the call, leaving you in silence as you sat on the couch, your leg propped up to the side.

You stared at her contact after she hung up. It wasn’t like you could avoid her for about six weeks and you knew you would eventually have to tell her what really happened.

Even if it meant wearing bubble wrap out in public.

You cheered up at the thought of having to walk around covered in bubble wrap because of your worried girlfriend.

You knew she wouldn’t be home until the next day due to her busy schedule, so you tried to make the most of it by watching the television and dozing off after so long from the growing boredom of just sitting around.

You have napped for about two hours before you were awoken by a knock on the front door. You sat up and gathered your crutches under your armpits as you stood to your feet- Or more accurately: One good foot and one broken foot.

Minji usually ordered food for you when she’d be away from home, despite the kitchen already being stocked. She stated that she liked being able to take care of you without being by your side every second of the day.

That’s what you assumed to be waiting behind the door. Dinner.

Instead, you were greeted by an excited Minji- whose grin slowly drooped into a worried frown when she saw you had crutches and a cast on your ankle.

“Surprise…” You spoke on instinct, though there was nothing to surprise her with.

In fact, she was the one surprising you by being home early. She even brought the food you originally thought about.

You agonized over what you said, squeezing your eyes shut.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Minji asked, carefully entering the house and helping you back to the couch regardless of if you already had gotten the hang of using your crutches or not.

You let out a sigh, knowing you’d have to be completely honest now.

“I didn’t want to worry you,” You answered truthfully, your eyes lingering elsewhere as you felt more and more nervous. “I thought if you knew while you were working, you would’ve had a hard time.”

“Oh, honey! You should’ve told me! I could’ve been there with you!” Minji placed her palm against your cheek, her thumb rubbing against it in side to side movements.

“I didn’t want you to get in trouble with your company.” You placed your hand over hers. Minji tilted her head as her eyes were fully focused on you.

“I’m here now. Anything I can get you? Or do for you?” She asked. She still had a worried expression on her face but she began to ease up, lovingly staring at you, listening to you, everything about you made her feel at ease after her long day at work. Even though were hurt, there was no where else she would rather be.

“Well, I do love your cuddles.” You boldly stated with a smirk playing on your lips. Minji let out a string of giggles, nodding.

“I can do that.” She helped you get into a cuddling position that would be easy on your ankle, her arms holding you tightly on the couch as your head was laid against her shoulder with your arms around her as well.

You two laid there for a while, forgetting about the dull pain on your ankle as she stroked your hair in a comfortable silence.

“By the way,” Minji spoke in a soothing tone that had always made you feel safe when you two would cuddle. You hummed, allowing her to continue.

“You’re still wearing bubble wrap next time.”

[roseworth]

mind trap one shot :^)

heyo here's a little bit of mind trap angst just because im bored idk

honestly theres almost no context to this, basically i just wanted him to be controlled by the mind trap lol. the reason he can be controlled is that as a member of the royal bloodline of the dark kingdom hes automatically sworn to the moonstone (tbh i didnt put a lot of thought into it but neither did the writers when they wrote the mind trap so its fine lol)

(ps im gonna be real with you guys i dont really know the difference between a drabble, a ficlet, and a oneshot. i was gonna call this a ficlet but i was scared of being wrong so i figured oneshot is the safest option)

word count: 1873 

characters: eugene & rapunzel

description: Eugene gets taken over by the Mind Trap. Rapunzel needs to find a way to get him back before it’s too late.

note: this takes place sometime during plus est en vous. theyre in the throne room alone. idk just dont think about it too hard

Everything seemed to stop for a moment. Rapunzel felt like her body was frozen in place as Eugene turned around, his eyes glowing electric blue.

“Eugene?” she whispered hesitantly as he stepped closer. Something in her brain was telling her to back away, but it was like her feet were frozen to the ground. He took another step closer and drew his sword.

She released her hair from her braid and held it up just in time to block his sword from hitting her. He glared at her wordlessly and went to swing again, which she once again blocked.

“Eugene, I- I don’t know what to- you- how…” she stuttered helplessly as she started to stumble backwards. His gaze didn’t change at all.

“Tell you what,” he said finally, crossing his arms. “If you give up now, I’ll give you a quick and painless death.”

She felt her eyes fill with tears as she shook her head. “I won’t give up, you know that.”

He smirked. “I know, but it was worth a shot.”

This made her feel even worse. She couldn’t even tell herself that he didn’t know her or didn’t recognize her. Now she knew that he still remembered her even as he was attacking her.

Maybe that means there’s a chance to get through to him, she thought, but quickly shoved it away. She didn’t want to bother getting her hopes up like that while he was still trying to hurt her.

She didn’t really know anything about the Mind Trap or how to free someone from it. Heck, she didn’t even know why Eugene was being controlled by it, but she didn’t exactly have the opportunity to figure that out right now.

She dodged another attack from him and backed away to put distance in between the two of them, trying to think of some semblance of a plan. She couldn’t keep blocking and dodging him forever, but there was no way she could let herself even try to hurt him. The Mind Trap was still all the way in Cassandra’s tower, and she wasn’t sure if she would even be able to get out of the castle, let alone all the way to the tower.

“Aw, Sunshine, I’m almost disappointed,” he sneered. The nickname that she normally loved now felt like a punch in the gut as he said it. “I’ve seen you do better than this. I mean, come on, you’ve hit me with your frying pan more times normally than you are now.” She didn’t respond as she brought up her hair to block yet another one of his hits.

Even if she did fight back, there was no way she could win. She assumed they might be evenly matched ordinarily, but ordinarily he wasn’t fighting to kill.

Thinking about that made her feel almost nauseous. The person she loved more than anything else was now trying to kill her (or at least being used as a vessel to kill her).

“One of us is going to have to stop eventually,” he remarked. His voice had the cadence of a joke, but his expression said otherwise.

“And I’ve never been one to give up,” Rapunzel retorted.

“I know. I think under normal circumstances I would like that about you. Right now, though, it’s already getting to be a pain.”

It felt like her heart had been torn out of her chest the more he said things like that. It felt like he was already killing her knowing that something in him recognized her right now and still chose to attack. Not chose, she reminded herself. He has no control over this.

Looking into his glowing blue eyes, she thought about the way they usually were. His warm brown eyes and his soft expressions seemed like a distant memory compared to what was staring back at her now.

Just moments ago she had kissed him, and somewhere in the back of her mind wondered if that had been the last time she ever would. “No,” she whispered aloud. That wouldn’t be the last, she could fix this.

She just needed a plan. The Mind Trap reacted to the Moonstone, and she had the power of the Sundrop, there had to be something she could do. Worth a shot.

Her eyes fell shut as she channeled the Sundrop’s power. There was a burst of light around her as her hair lit up, causing a wave of energy.

She opened her eyes to see Eugene had been knocked to the floor. She wanted to run to him, but opted to keep her distance. She watched as he sat up and rubbed his head, his eyes closed.

And she felt her heart sink as he opened them and they were still just as blue as before.

“Nice to see you’re finally on the attack, Blondie,” he mocked. “Too bad it wasn’t enough.”

He lifted himself back onto his feet and scowled. She wished this would all stop. She wished everything could just go back to normal. She wanted so badly to hold out hope, but she was out of ideas.

“I’m not going to fight you,” she insisted, trying to ignore the way tears were starting to spill out of her eyes. She met his intense stare with one of her own as he moved towards her.

“I can’t say I’m surprised, Sunshine,” he grinned coolly. Again, the usually affectionate nickname made her stomach churn as her tears continued to stream down her face. He stood inches away from her, neither of them moving. It was taking everything to keep herself from running towards him, looking for comfort that she wouldn’t find.

As he tightened his grip on his sword once more, she reached for her hair only to find out that he was pressing his foot on it, keeping it in place. He smirked at her. “You lost your defense,” he taunted callously. She tried to tug her hair away, but he was keeping a firm hold on it.

“Eugene…” she said quietly. Everything felt numb as she imagined him as the man he really was instead of the one who was about to kill her. The man who was always there for her no matter what happened. The man who had saved her in more ways than anyone could understand. That man wasn’t the person standing over her right now, lifting his sword above his head to strike.

“Eugene,” she said again, louder this time. “I don’t know if the real you can hear me, but I just need you to know that I know this isn’t you. And I love you so much.”

She thought for a moment that she saw him falter, but gave up her wishful thinking as the sword came closer to her. She squeezed her eyes shut as the love of her life was about to end it.

Nothing happened.

For a split second, she wondered why she was never hit.

Then she heard him cry out in pain.

Her eyes shot open to see that he was crumpled on the ground, his own sword stabbed through his leg. He pulled the sword out and threw it across the room.

“Eugene!” she yelled, dropping to her knees next to him. She looked at his face and was beyond relieved to be met with brown eyes looking back at her affectionately. “Eugene, you’re… you’re back,” she sighed happily, getting lost in his eyes and forgetting for a moment about his leg that was still bleeding out.

He tried to smile back at her, but it ended up as more of a grimace in pain, bringing both of them back into reality. “I just- I couldn’t let myself hurt you,” he said, holding back tears. “I’m so sorry.”

She wiped away her own tears and nodded. “I know, I know. It’s okay,” she reassured him, turning her attention back to his leg. He took his jacket off and wrapped it around the wound to try to stop the bleeding. She helped secure it in place and applied pressure on the wound, and he let out a groan as he instinctively tried to move away. She gave him an apologetic look, but continued pressing her hand down on his leg.

“Hey, look at me, it’s gonna be okay,” she soothed, putting her other hand on his cheek. She tried as hard as she could to distract him from the pain. He grabbed her hand and smiled gently.

“I’m so sorry, Sunshine, I couldn’t-”

“It’s okay, I understand. It was the Mind Trap, I know,” she whispered, though she felt a rush of relief in her chest after hearing him say “Sunshine” in a loving way again.

“I don’t know what happened, I just… I suddenly didn’t have control of my body. It was like I was feeling myself move and hearing myself talk and I couldn’t do anything about it. I kept trying to fight it, but…” he trailed off, his eyes starting to fill.

“Don’t worry about it, just focus on me, it’s gonna be okay,” she said as his entire body shuddered from another wave of pain.

“Rapunzel, you have to go,” he urged suddenly. “I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold the Mind Trap off for.”

She looked deeply into his eyes, doing her best to stay strong and help him. It was taking all her effort not to break down right then, and she finally gave in. Before she could even think to try to stop herself, she was sobbing into Eugene’s shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her. “I won’t leave you,” she choked out. He squeezed her tighter towards him, his leg now numb to the pain.

“I can’t watch myself hurt you, Sunshine,” he said brokenly as he started to cry too. “It’ll be okay soon, I promise.”

Rapunzel lifted herself up and wiped her tears away. “It’ll be okay,” she repeated through tears. “I’m going to destroy the Mind Trap, then I’ll come right back here.”

He gave her a weak smile, then brought her closer to him again to kiss her. She closed her eyes as she kissed him, hoping that she would be able to keep her word and destroy it. Not just for Eugene, but for everyone. For the members of the Brotherhood that had lost control over their own thoughts. For the others that had loved ones being taken over.

She moved away slightly as she felt Eugene shift in her grasp. She opened her eyes, and her heart shattered as she was once again met with his glowing electric blue eyes. She stood up and backed away from him.

He made an effort to stand up and go after her, but his wounded leg wasn’t doing him any good. Not to mention, even if he could get up, his weapon was still on the other side of the room. He yelled at Rapunzel as she started to run away, but she did her best to tune out what she was saying. She only had one goal in mind now.

“I’ll be back,” she promised quietly, rubbing her eyes as she ran out of the castle. “It’s gonna be okay.”

[vampyrly]

: / i need any help and/or validation for a situation im dealing with

ok heads up this is going to be potentially very long to read and get through, like possibly 10 minutes at most but it is detailed and information heavy, i dont want to leave anything out

if anyone knows me/knows me on twitter and has seen my tweets where i've detailed the bullshit my roommate has done in the past you'll know i dont particularly like their presence based on their immature and gross antics. well ladies and gentlemen just when i thought they couldn't possibly sink any lower as a person, they pulled through the shit olympics and won gold.

my roommate has a cat, they had it prior to moving in and on their account the cat has been by their side 24/7. it is very attached and has most definitely developed a form of separation anxiety because of this. there hasnt been an issue with how often they stay with their cat up until recently... their girlfriend got her own apartment and over the past few months my rm has been staying with her 24/7. as in, is practically never in the apartment. they only come back to refill their cats food/water and is immediately out the door again. occasionally they will sleep overnight but after that they are back out the door.

as anyone who understands cats or animals in general would realize, this is essentially neglecting a cat, one you have gone from being with every day, to essentially never seeing. and this was not gradual, it was a damn near sudden change. you can probably imagine this is putting a lot of confusion and stress on the cat. over time, the cat has reacted more physically. they have become prone to crying by the door, biting the gf's toes, glaring at her (i guess), and such.

now, about a week ago, the cat had bitten my roommate incredibly hard to the point of drawing a lot of blood. apparently this was so traumatic to the rm that they now refuse to even be in the same room with the cat (there have only been a handful of times where they've slipped into the room to grab an essential and shimmy back out) so much so that they brought an air mattress, set it up in the living room, and is now temporarily sleeping there. no, im not joking.

now im not going to go into detail about why this buildup from the cat occurred, i think it should be pretty obvious already why, but to my rm, they fully believe this behavior is aggressive and unusual. as in, this cat had malicious, negative intent to do harm on its owner. its owner which, up until months ago, they were so attached to and clearly loved. as a friend has pointed out, this isnt signaling aggression. this is signaling a need to get attention in any way possible. their own cat had scratched them up so bad to the point they almost had to go to the ER, but it wasnt because the cat was aggressive, it just thought it was playtime! the case is different here yes, because unlike my rm the friend actually takes care and gives attention to their cat, so this was a very rare occurrence. simply put, this cat is lacking so much stimulation, attention, and basic interaction that this, to me, felt like a last resort. because clearly, the constant cries of sadness wasnt doing anything for them. they're currently in the process of rehoming the cat and will permanently ditch it on the 28th. thats still another 5 fucking days of this cat being in these neglected conditions, and thats not counting when this started, which was 17th, 18th if were being generous on account of me misremembering the date of events because who can blame me so much has already happened its becoming difficult to keep track.

a cat that they up until this point loved and gave attention to as apparent by them claiming she is for emotional support, is being thrown out of their life without remorse over one instance of """aggression""" (dont make me explain why it wasnt again.)

my roommate knows full and well that they have every ability and every second on their hands to bring the cat with them to the gf's apartment but guess what? they simply choose not to do so! i guess those toes getting bitten was so traumatic because oh yeah may i add, the girlfriend is a massive enabler of the roommate and sees absolutely no issue to the actions they are taking in response. i doubt they even tried to properly warm the cat up to a person who is a newcomer to the relationship. im sure they both think in their heads that this is the most responsible thing they can do as pet owners and that they're such good people for rehoming a cat they cant take care of anymore. yes, nothing more responsible than neglecting an animal that needs social interaction as much as that one in particular is in dire need of. responsible pet owners would have never let it escalate to such a point, i'll have you know.

my roommate has done a lot of bullshit that has made me want to pull my hair out, but at the very least, it didnt involve a living creature. this however draws a line as i refuse to stand for animal neglect simply because im an outsider and have no direct say in the situation. i've taken as much action as i possibly can, phoning and texting and emailing as many people as i possibly can. i hesitate to say this is straight up animal abuse because as firm as i can be i try to give people the benefit of the doubt BUT. i will say that every single person i have relayed all of this info to thus far has told me that this is grounds for animal abuse.

yesterday i ran into my rm and they told me "heyyy sorry about her crying constantly, its just not possible for me to be in there whatsoever!" and when i asked if they have someone refilling the bowls and litter on their behalf they said "nope just me" ????????? simultaneously on the same day i said fuck it, i am going to break out the secret key i have to their room to check on the cat. yes i have a key to their room, i have never used it until now and if you want to ignore everything thus far to give me some shit about trust or whatever consider: i dont fucking care. as it turns out the food and water bowls are the type that automatically refill. so, hmmm. theres that part out of the way, but of course, you cannot put in a machine to automatically interact with a cat on the level of a human. as for the litter, i couldnt see since i didnt step more than a foot into the room as to not impede boundaries on the cat and i didnt want my roommate to suddenly come home to me knees deep in their shithole. it was probably in the closet but then how is that being cleaned? those automatic cleaning cat litter boxes dont come cheap and i know damn well they cannot afford one. and may i just add as a tidbit, the room has a sitting scent of pee. though seeing as how gross my roommate can get im betting its just them and not the cat. also that room was cold as fuck. were at 60-70s right now in terms of weather right now it does not need to be that cold......

here is a video i was able to capture. i mounted my phone on a monopod in order to get a scope of the room without stepping in too far.

i decided that the least i can do at the moment is to head out to dollar tree and get a toy or two so i can at least provide some amount of stimulation. before i left, i checked on her again.

she was just laying there, keeping her distance, and didnt lurch at me whatsoever. i came back with a feather wand and played with her for a couple of minutes. she responded a little to it, but for the most part she was peering out the door wondering where the hell her so called responsible owner was. i took my sweater off and let the cat sniff it. i have zero relationship with this cat, infact its the first time i've ever properly seen it as it is locked in the bedroom 24/7.

now you may be asking yourself, why is this cat locked away in a room 24/7 like rapunzel locked in her tower and not roaming freely in the open apartment? i too would like an answer to this! i rarely spend any time in the living room but even if i did i have NO issue with it chilling in there.

someone i phoned did bring up a good point that for AS to consider a legitimate case of abuse or even do anything, there'd need to be no food or water. so essentially, unless you're straight up physically harming an animal outside of their headquarters they dont fucking care. want to be proven further on that? my rm actually did speak with AS at the start of bite-saga. surprisingly they werent 100% truthful, and, get a load of this, they told them that the cat potentially has a virus, and that they need to be quarantined the entire 2 week period. thats some lying bullshit if i've ever heard some!!! not only that, just a few hours ago i peeped the girlfriend had the vet get back to them about lending a muzzle!

SO. heres the current situation as of today and what will occur to tomorrow: i finally phoned someone who is going to drop by the apartment tomorrow, potentially with another person (these are not random people, im simply keeping their status as anonymous as possible to maintain their privacy) to check on the cats conditions. they'll also call AS again and nudge the rm in a way where it seems AS needs them to expedite the surrendering process sooner than later. i cant imagine another 5 days of this going on, but theres only so much that can be done that doesnt involve me straight up catknapping the poor thing and rehoming her myself. this is the condition of the cat as of a few hours ago:

if i were someone uninvolved and saw this, i would have assumed she were a stray that broke into the room........

i try not to be petty and villainous, but a line has been crossed and the disgusting mistreatment of an innocent creature is a crime i refuse to allow be sweeped under the rug. if theres any benefit to living in a relatively small town, its that everyone knows or at least recognizes everyone. far too many people already get away with animal abuse, at the very least i can make as many people here as aware of their antics as i can. is that wrong to do? should i not air all that i can out about them? im so tired and exhausted. i've lost so much sleep over this and im probably going to lose a lot more. thanks for reading.

[fanficsandmoregalore]

Dog Days - Chapter 2

Summary: You take the stray dogs home and clean them up. Then you search around, hoping to find the rightful owners. But what happens the next day changes EVERYTHING.

You opened the door to your apartment. Ben walked in, tail wagging happily, as if he owned the place, Matt was more anxious and cautiously walked in. You looked down and Kylo was staring into your apartment, he didnt go in though. You kneeled down beside him and he looked at you.

"What's wrong, Kylo?"

He looked at you from the corner of his eye and huffed. Then he turned around and sat in front of your doorway. You assumed he meant he was going to stay and guard your apartment, the thought of it made you giggle so you pat his head and stood up.

"You can guard the fortress from inside, goofball." You joked. Kylo growled a little bit and got up, walked into your apartment and sat by the doorway. You followed him in and closed the door behind you, making sure he saw you lock it. You walked pass Ben who sat on the couch while Matt was walking around your apartment, trying to make a mental map.

"You boys stay out here for a sec. I'll be right back." You said as you walked into your bedroom. After the door closed, Ben rolled onto his back on your couch, getting snug.

"I could get used to this."

Matt stood by the couch, looking around once more.

"Don't. We wont be dogs forever. Someday, somehow, we will figure out how to change back."

"I hope it's soon."

Matt and Ben looked over to Kylo, who had been quiet up until now.

"Oh really? Because the way i see it, you're her favorite so far."

Ben was trying to make Kylo blush but being a dog, he couldn't tell if it worked. But kylo did feel a bit embarrassed by it.

You came out of your room in some comfy pajamas and smiled at the dogs as you walked into the kitchen.

"How about some dinner? You guys look like you're starving." Ben and Matt walked into the kitchen excitedly, kylo of course staying by the door. Ben and Matt pulled chairs out from your dining table and jumped up and sat in them. You didn't think much of it, assuming it was a trick their previous owner had taught them, either way you thought it was both cute and amazing. You made a big dinner, you didn't eat much but made sure you had plenty for the dogs to eat. Kylo eventually got hungry and came over to eat, luckily you thought ahead and made him a plate. After eating, you gave each dog a bath. Ben tried pulling you into the water with him but other than that they were all well-behaved. Matt seemed to appreciate it the most and surprisingly, Kylo didn't fight it.

You were drying off Kylo when you had a sudden realization.

"Oh, you guys probably have an owner, or owners. Tomorrow I'll take you guys into work and see if you have chips or if anyone has reported missing dogs. But until we find your owners, you can stay with me." Kylo listened attentively and seemed to nod in agreement with your plan.

It wasn't too late at night so you and the 3 dogs congregated in your living room to watch movies. Halfway through one, there was a knock at your door. Kylo stood quickly and rushed over to the door but didnt bark, the other 2 couldn't care less.

"Wonder who that could be. Nobody ever visits me this late...or ever." You got up and walked over to the door, patting Kylo's head when you reached him. You unlocked it and opened it slowly, peering out into the hall.

"Did you fill out the proper paperwork to have dogs?"

It was your neighbor, Armitage Hux. He was a ginger haired, obnoxious, by the book kind of guy but seemed like decent enough person that you didn't see him as any sort of threat. You rolled your eyes and chuckled as you opened the door more.

"Well hello to you too, Armitage."

"(Y/n), you know I'm deathly allergic to dogs, right?"

You laughed a bit and Hux blushed as he folded his arms. You looked at him and shook your head.

"No you're not, you just don't like them."

"Same thing. And three of them? Are you that lonely?"

You stopped laughing and kind of glared at his comment which he of course noticed, he tensed under your gaze.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why have 3 dogs when you can have 1 boyfriend? Come on, (Y/n). It's one date. Some dinner, a movie, you name it."

He kind of whined when he said it and you huffed.

"Hux, i told you, I'm not the type to have a boyfriend. Anyway, i gotta head to bed soon. Goodnight."

You closed the door and heard Hux sigh as he walked away. You looked at the three dogs who were all staring at you, looking as if they were waiting for an explanation.

"That's my neighbor. He's been trying to get me to go out with him since the day i moved in."

You walked over and sat on the couch. Kylo stayed by the door just in case, Ben was quick to jump to your side and Matt sat in the recliner that you had. You smiled at all the dogs.

"Who needs human boys when i have the cutest doggy boys?" You gently grabbed Ben's cheeks and mushed them and rubbed noses with him.

Ben got into your lap and licked your face, making you laugh. Eventually, you had to go to bed. And of course, Ben came to sleep in bed with you. Matt was hesitant but followed as well and laid at the foot of your bed. However, Kylo stayed awake, patrolling around your living room but eventually fell asleep on the couch.

The next morning came and you put all 3 of the dogs on the leashes you kept at home for situations like this. You walked all 3 down the sidewalk and they were calm and made walking to the clinic a breeze . You reached the vet clinic and you walked in. The boys looked around the lobby and you felt comfortable letting them off their leashes. Matt stayed with you while Ben sniffed around and Kylo followed behind you.

"Hello? Anybody home?" You joked.

"(Y/n)? Is that you?!"

Poe poked his head out from the back and saw you. He rushed out to greet you and but halted when he saw the dogs.

"Um...(Y/n), what's going on?"

You blushed and awkwardly scratched your hand, still in bandages.

"You remember the dogs i was telling you about?"

Poe became tense and looked at the 3 dogs before his eyes landed on Kylo.

"And i'm gonna guess that's the one that bit you."

You kneeled down by Kylo, who didn't care for Poe's unapproving look.

"Yes, but he also protected me from some guy who was gonna rob me .... and possibly rape me. So you really should be thanking him."

Poe rolled his eyes and pulled you away a bit.

"(Y/n), what are they doing here? And what are YOU doing here. You know the boss said you aren't supposed to come back until you for sure dont have rabies!"

You chuckled and Poe gave you a confused look.

"I'm actually here as a client."

"Uuuhhhh, what?"

"Can you check them for chips and see if anyone has reported 3 missing dogs?"

Poe rolled his eyes and took your hand in his gently.

"I'll do it for you, sweetheart. No charge. But promise me you will take care of yourself and this hand."

You nodded and looked to the 3 dogs, who had all grouped in front of you and Poe.

"Okay, boys. Go with Poe and he'll take good care of you."

"You talk to them like they're people? Geez, (Y/n), you are something else." Poe teased. You laughed and sat down. The boys followed Poe obediently and after about and hour and a half, they all came out with treats in their mouths. You looked at Poe, hoping he'd have addresses to their homes.

"Nothing. No owners, no shot records, nothing. These dogs only have names on their tags, (Y/n). That's a little strange, don't you think?"

You did find it strange but you questioned Poe further.

"What about missing dog reports?"

Poe shook his head. You found that really strange.

"Maybe someone was trying to get rid of them."

"Why would anyone want to get rid of these sweet boys."

Poe looked at Kylo who glared in response.

"I can think of a few reasons."

You stood, a bit peeved by Poe's comment.

"I'm taking them home. Thanks for everything, Poe."

You sincerely meant thanks but were a bit mad that Poe only seemed to recall Kylo biting you.

Poe told you to be careful and you leashed up the dogs and walked out of the clinic.

You looked around and it was a pretty decent day and you decided to take the boys out for some fun on the town. You smiled at the dogs and they all looked at you with confused looks.

"Let's go to the park."

You had arrived at the nearest dog park and let the 3 off of their leashes, but to your surprise, they didn't seem interested at all. You kneeled down by them.

"What's wrong, guys? It's a dog park. Don't you wanna go play with the other doggies?"

The 3 dogs all looked at each other and then you before they split up and walked around the park. You chuckled and got up to go sit on a bench. Kylo saw you go sit down and went over to join you, jumping onto the bench to sit next to you. You pet him and watched as Matt was frightened by everything around him and Ben was playing tug of war with some boxer dog. You looked at Kylo, he had also been looking out at the other dogs.

"Kylo, don't you wanna go make some friends?"

He only huffed and you laughed at him. He did a sort of bark grumble and it made you think, what was he saying? You looked back to the other 2 dogs.

"I wish i understood you, Kylo."

Kylo's ears perked up and he looked at you. You noticed and smiled at him, petting his head just behind ear.

"You guys always seem to know what I'm saying. It's so cute. I just want to be able to understand what all of you are saying, too."

You laughed at the thought of the dogs talking when suddenly Matt rushed up, whimpering, which brought you from your thoughts and you saw him being followed by a few other dogs. When Matt reached you and hid behind your legs under the bench, and Kylo jumped off the bench in front of you. The dogs following Matt stopped dead in their tracks when they made eye contact with Kylo, and ran off with their legs between their tails. You sat on the grass in front of the bench and coaxed Matt out of hiding. He lunged into your arms and you hugged him tightly. You looked over to Kylo and smiled, reaching out to pet him.

"Youre such a good boy, Kylo."

Kylo leaned into your touch more, wanting more affection, which you happily gave. You decided it was time to take the boys home.

When you reached your apartment, you heard some meowing from the other side of the hall. You looked over your shoulder to see Hux's cat, Millicent. You smiled and unlocked the door to your apartment, opening it to let the dogs in, Millicent took the opportunity to follow them in. This was a common occurrence when Hux was in a rush to get to work, and is actually how you met your neighbor in the first place.

---

"Millicent? Millicent?"

You put down the box that you were unpacking, and went to your door. It was open and you peered out into the hall. A sharp dressed, red-haired man was frantically searching the halls. You watched for a moment but suddenly felt something brush against your leg, you looked down to see an orange cat looking up at you as it leaned against your leg.

"Millicent. Milli-"

"Is this who you're looking for?"

The man turned around and when he made eye contact with you, he felt his face become heated as his breath was being taken away. He swears he had just seen an angel, and in this angel's arms was his beloved cat. He calmly rushed over to you and you handed Millicent over.

"Thank you so much. I was in such a rush to leave for work, she must've snuck out while i wasnt looking. Um, i take it you're the new tennant."

You nodded and pet Millicent as your new neighbor held her.

"Yup, as of today. I work at the clinic and this was the closest place with available apartments."

The man offered you a hand while holding his furbaby with the other.

"My name is Armitage Hux. I live across the hall."

"I'm (Y/n). Nice to meet you."

---

You picked Millicent up in your arms and pulled out your phone. It went to voicemail.

"Hey Armitage, it's (Y/n). Millicent got out again so I'm gonna hold onto her until you get back. Bye."

You put your phone back in your pocket and shut the door with your foot after entering, kissing and petting the purring cat.

You set her down and walked into the kitchen. Millicent followed you and the 3 dogs all watched and inspected the cat.

You smiled at them and pet Millicent again, showing them that she was friendly. You glanced at the dogs again, they still didn't know how to react to the cat. Maybe their previous owners didn't have cats. You thought more about the dogs' previous owners and how cruel it was that someone might want to get rid of these 3 sweethearts, but you also thought that maybe there was someone out there who was worried about them. You took a few pictures of each dog and made a post on your social media pages, showing the dogs and stating that you had found them and would hold onto them until the rightful owners came to get them. You hoped they would be able to return home soon and be with their families.

You spent the rest of the day at home, cleaning up and waiting for someone to call and ask about the dogs but nobody did. The afternoon seemed to sneak up on you and Hux came to retrieve his pet. You locked up for the night and went to bed, the dogs doing just as they did the night before.

It was 3 A.M. and the phone rang. You jolted awake, waking and scaring the dogs. You grabbed your phone and checked it, but the number was unfamiliar, and you answered anyway.

"Hello?"

"The brothers must learn their lessons before they can return to their true forms."

The voice was that of an old woman. You looked at the dogs, confused, and they returned the looks.

"I think you have the wrong number, m'am."

Just as you were about to hang up, the voice spoke again.

"(Y/n)! You must listen. You are the only one who can help them!"

This made you more anxious but you listened.

"The brothers are beast, in the mind and in appearance. You must help them fix the mistakes they have made."

"Lady, i don't know the brothers you are talking about." You tried to explain.

"They will know. They will tell you."

Then then phone hung up.

"What the hell? I must be dreaming."

You pet the dogs and told them it was nothing and you all went back to bed. But that night, you had a strange dream.

3 tall boys were laughing and talking with you but you had never seen them before. 2 of them had long, shaggy, black hair and one had blonde hair and glasses, but they all had similar faces. You felt so safe being with these boys you didn't recognize. It was sunny and warm where you all were. You smiled, enjoying the company of such sweet boys.

You woke up suddenly. You felt your eyes flutter open and slowly all your senses woke up too.

"I'm just saying, if we lived in a town like this, we'd all be getting laid. There are so many hot women in more populated areas."

"You're so gross, Ben!"

You sat up quickly, panic already setting in. You looked around your room. The dogs were missing and there were strangers in your home. You quietly got out of bed and snuck to the door, peering out into the living room.

"I wonder when she's gonna be up. I'm getting kinda hungry."

You looked out but didn't see anyone, this was starting to really freak you out. Where were the dogs? Suddenly you saw Matt jump onto the recliner.

"Be patient. She was nice enough to let us stay here and cook for us out of the kindness of her heart, she's not our nanny."

Your jaw dropped. It WAS the dogs.

"Holy shit."

You covered your mouth immediately. The dogs looked at you and you quickly backed into your room, slamming the door shut and locking it.

"HOLY SHIT!!!"

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 2]

So it turns out I’m a dirty liar who can’t get his act together in a timely fashion. But at least I’m here now! And, boy, is this a chapter!

Just as a heads-up, things get a little sexual in this chapter, and consent isn’t established beforehand, so it does read as a bit iffy. 

Recap: Sixteen-year-old Atlantiana Rebekah Loren, referred to by the nickname “Tiaa” with two As for some reason, has just started school in Forks. She’s living with new foster parents who we haven’t met yet. Also she is ethereal and smells like mint and cinnamon. The chapter ended with her bumping into Edward on the way to class.

Chapter 1

AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave.

I actually really like this fic, so I shan’t be leaving. Also, Vincent’s review was actually fairly positive; he said it’s awful and he’d like to see more of it, please.

Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she's not "perfect" look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on.

Both of these reviewers called Tiaa a Mary Sue and one linked her to a Mary Sue litmus test. 

I probably don’t need to say it, but Mary Sues don’t need to be perfect, just presented unrealistically. Sure, stereotypical examples are all gorgeous, multitalented teenage girls who steal the spotlight from the canon cast (Tiaa’s basically that stereotype, possibly minus the multitalented bit since that’s not been established yet), but there are loads of Mary Sue characters who don’t fit that mold exactly, or at all. I talked about the “anger problems” thing last time, and even if her looks are justified (spoilers: they aren’t, really) they’re still being dwelled on way too much. We don’t know much of anything about Forks, Tiaa’s peers, or even Edward, but we know Tiaa smells like mint and cinnamon. It’s a classic case of an author being so invested in a character that her priorities as a writer are completely off. Or it would be if this wasn’t a trollfic.

Chapter 2 - edward

The anger faded form my sapphire eyes

"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride”

My initial thought was that the author meant “sweetly” instead of “sweatily,” but I actually think “sweatily” works better because Tiaa’s probably perspiring over how hot the pale guy is. Also, come to think of it, you can totally say something sweatily and I think it’s an adverb we should all be using more often.

"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.

You see what I mean about how incredible this fic’s prose is? We just went from mangled Ye Olde English to “cockdropping” in the course of a single sentence.

No idea what “cockdropping” means but it definitely ought to be a word. BeckyMac666 is the next Shakespeare or Carroll, honestly. Voice of a generation right here.

"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?”

Get used to that typo; Edward gets called “Ewdard” a hell of a lot in this story. Think Enoby from “My Immortal.”

"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. 

That typo, on the other hand, only happens once to my recollection.

I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical.

There’s a lot happening in that simile. Possibly too much. 

"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""

And thou art poorly written, Ewdard.

Not sure how I feel about the mental image of Edward vomiting up a hand and brushing Tiaa’s cheek with it, but it probably did improve the sentence.

"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" 

Shanky?

Just for fun, and in case anyone reading this avoided exposure to Twilight itself, let me talk a little about Edward’s portrayal so far. First off, the Ye Olde English makes no sense — Edward was bitten after falling ill during the 1918 swine flu pandemic, if memory serves, so his speech would be modern (albeit antiquated) English even assuming he didn’t pick up any phrases from being around modern teens. Second off, Edward is really disinterested in… well, everyone but Bella, and with Bella he initially freaks out because he doesn’t know how to deal with being attracted to a human. (Do I date her? Do I suck her blood?) Even if I go with the notion that he’s also into Tiaa, we know this isn’t how he behaves around someone he likes. And he’s a mind-reader, so presumably he knows what Tiaa’s thinking and could shift his behavior accordingly — except that I have a bad feeling Tiaa, like Bella, is immune from having her mind read.

The flowery descriptions are straight outta Twilight, though.

I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.

Sounds painful.

"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. 

I mean… it’s a small school, it’s not weird that she saw you. Someone so pale he looks like printer paper tends to stand out. Also she never claimed not to have noticed him.

I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me! 

The boy wastes no time, I see. Be nice if he asked first, but… in a fic like this, I don’t know what I was expecting.

Side note: yes, this is incredibly out of character. Edward is a save-it-for-marriage kind of guy, and he’s got practical reasons — the strength difference between a vampire and a human means it’s easy for somebody (the human) to get accidentally hurt.

I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon. 

Can’t say that I either understand or relate to that.

I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. 

By this point I think we’ve moved beyond “tempation.”

He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs. 

His… man-carrot. What a fic this is!

And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor. 

I can’t really say anything to make this sillier except that I think all this is still happening in the locker room of a public high school. Also they just met.

We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? 

It took her ten minutes to think of this? I mean… I’ll cut her some slack, they are (presumably) alone, she’s only sixteen, and she’s very attracted to this guy. But c’mon, how did it take her this long to think “wait a minute, maybe it’s bad to engage in foreplay at school with a guy I just met who is dating somebody else”?

I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! 

Why is his coldness being treated as a selling point here?

I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions.

To be fair, she didn’t really do anything. He instigated, and she just… went along with it, I guess. I wouldn’t be that ashamed. He’s the one with the girlfriend.

-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed

"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. 

I too think it’s hot when random boys start undressing me in public and then act like it’s my fault somehow while speaking in bad Ye Olde English! So aroosing!

(I’m joking. Please no one do this to me. I will call my lawyer.)

At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties and he NEW it, this was horible! 

Really didn’t need to know the panties bit.

I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.

"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes "your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?

So Edward thinks Tiaa’s a vampire? While that could potentially explain some things, it also raises a hell of a lot more questions.

Like… maybe Edward felt justified in coming on strong thinking Tiaa was a vampire and therefore on equal footing with him (as opposed to how he acts with Bella). Doesn’t really fit with his character, but I’ll go with it. But Tiaa doesn’t appear to be a vampire, and so this… complicates things. A lot.

Vampires, in the Twilight world and in most myth, don’t age, yet Tiaa claims to have had a normal (albeit bad) childhood and to be only sixteen chronologically. Maybe she’s an unreliable narrator, but, if so, why is she pretending to be human, and why pull a reveal this early in the story? It also doesn’t explain her lack of other vampiric traits; she hasn’t talked about craving blood or even smelling it, her eyes are blue (Twilight vamps have black eyes when hungry, red after feeding on humans, or gold after feeding on animals), and she has no superhuman ability that we know of. 

I guess Edward really can’t read her mind, or he’d know she’s not a vampire, but why isn’t he bothered at not being able to get a read on her? And are we really supposed to believe Tiaa is just so extraordinarily beautiful that a vampire assumed she was also a vampire? Because… wow.

"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)

Wow, owned.

"thy a CAMPIRE tia! 

Gay vampire who’s into drag and musical theater?

a VAMPIRE! 

Which is it?

BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? 

Oh, he actually is bothered by that. Got it. I thought the author had forgotten Edward can read minds. Sorry, BeckyMac666, I don’t give you enough credit.

I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!"

He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red.

Isn’t Buckly Fist the guy who writes Ctrl+Alt+Del?

I schlepped him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. 

Good fight scene. I like that she schlepped (made a reluctant or arduous journey) him across the face rather than slapped him across the face. And that he hammed (overacted) her against the wall rather than slammed her against the wall. And… all the other typos.

His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. 

Dunno what this means but it sounds a bit British.

My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick between his legs and he drubbed over in pan. 

Massive throbbing gigglestick.

I.

Wow.

Good fic.

I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me.

There’s a lot going on here and none of it makes sense but it’s all rather evocative.

"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!"he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes. 

Why did he throw his shirt over her face? Dude’s superhumanly fast! He could have just grabbed her if he wanted! Also, he thinks she’s a vampire, and a shirt definitely wouldn’t slow her down if she was one!

I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.

Interesting mental image.

"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! 

“Rut” as a verb refers to a mating ritual that deer and some other mammals engage in. It’s not actual mating, or anything similar to what Tiaa and Ewdard just did; it’s when males fight each other for access to females. So far as I know, this is not a Ye Olde Worde for Sex or Rape or Throwing Your Shirt Over Someone’s Head.

I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!"

I mean… yeah, he’s not wrong.

"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body. 

Hoping that “snaped” is a “My Immortal” reference.

I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises but i didnt. 

I actually like the detail here. A goth girl assuming that she’s being called a vampire not in a literal sense but as a comment on her fashion is… kind of funny.

Not gonna comment on that innuendo because honestly I don’t think I can say anything to make it more absurd.

I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)then I fell over. 

It’s a good thing you said “no joke.” I would have assumed you were joking otherwise. Y’know, the old “my scar is glowing gold!” gag.

The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!)as he gazed longingly after me. 

I’d maybe be more inclined to side with Tiaa on this one if she hadn’t just went along with it when a strange boy made sexual advances towards her. This dude just helped her to her feet while looking at her weird. And, to be fair, she’s not wearing a shirt.

In his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean.

I think it means you’re in a badfic? Could be wrong.

AN what do u think PLEASE R n R?.BIG SHoutout 2 my friend abigail gud luk for 2moro!)did u see i put the man-carrot thing in!) LMAO! Also love 2 tiffi & rach(and zaccibaby of corse!) LOVE U GUYZ SO MUCH!X X X beckymac x x

If anyone knows what language this is PM me the translation.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment! Will Edward give in to tempation? Oh, wait, he already did, never mind.

Next chapter

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 12 (Epilogue 2 Page 4)

[maritabaptiste2-blog]

porn hairy photos - 9 Guilt Free Hot Girl With Hairy Pussy Tips

r/raobj had a post about someone visiting my town before Christmas and as an addendum to her trip, she might want to meet up with a local guy to sample the local goods and see the sights. Then low and behold I got a nice response back with a verification picture and everything. And it was a fucking amazing 20 hours. After some fun bantering back and forth and sharing some risqué photos I had my heart crushed as we figured out I would be busy with a family obligation while she was here for the weekend. She came from thousands of miles away and absolutely blew my mind. I didnt understand it, but her fetish was to be the first girl of that ethnicity the guy had been with so I was disqualified as a sexual partner. I threw my name into the hat, hoping but not really expecting much to come of it. It was a short romance, 20 hours as she pointed out in our parting kiss. One evening she was clearly horny and needing some entertainment so I tried a r/gonewildaudio move by calling her up and telling her a sexy story furry teen pussy while she masturbated in bed. Her little moans and heavy breathing got me insanely worked up as I told the story to the point I was casually masturbating as I described taking her as we sunbathed nude on a deserted tropical beach. And then as another crusher, she read one of my posted stories about being involved one in a 4 some with another girl of her same ethnicity. We got buried and flights were cancelled. As I came in her (in the story) I heard her climax as well and a glimmer of hope surfaced in my mind that I might still be in the running if I could somehow work out a way to catch her when she was here. I kept up the conversation with nice guy tips on hikes and things to do whole she was here, but assumed I was out of the running with all the other potential guys in this area. We talked almost every day in the 3 or so weeks until she arrived. She instantly had my attention and we quickly moved to Kik to get to know eachother. There was another bedtime naughty story telling over the phone and a whole lot of joking, flirting, picture and video sharing through Kik in those 3 weeks and I was completely obsessed. The workaround for having already been-with-a-girl like-her cherry popped was (her suggestion) if I beat her at a round of pool I might get my dick sucked but sex was off the table (I had my doubts about her resoluteness here but played it cool). Her flight in particular. Cue, winter Snowpocalypse 2017. She arrived on a Saturday and spent the day checking out town. We traded some fun flirty messages that evening and arranged a hike the next day. I mentioned that since I couldnt make it until tomorrow she could swing into our local sex club! I assumed (correctly) she had a good evening there and couldnt wait to hear how it went the next day. Id had enough to know it was an amazing sensation but it was always accompanied by a gag reflex that limited how far I could go and how long I could stay there. She insisted she could deep throat me and I insisted she couldnt, partly just in fun but I really had not had anyone get 100% of it down ever. She said shortly after that she was considering it and I didnt hear anything else hot and hairy women from her that night. She was "fun sized" to the point that I was over a foot taller than her and I was looking forward to tossing her around the bed that night. Her long hair just got me going that much more and I couldnt wait to knot my fingers into it as I kissed her later. Id be lying if I didnt admit to being ecstatic that she rescheduled her visit, and I could catch her this time! She was very fit, had a great ass (despite what you think about it ), and breasts people pay thousands of dollars for. I felt almost zero "getting-to-know-you" jitters since we had been chatting for so long before which easy really nice, so we hopped on the bed to talk for a bit. This had left her very horny. I was so surprised but probably shouldnt have been considering the amount of build up we had going and her evening activities earlier. 32DDD is an incredible combo on a tiny girl. I had to laugh a bit, as this was the opposite of what I was expecting; she was tearing at me like an animal! That bet we had regarding the winner of the pool game was forgotten completely. Before 5 minutes had gone by she jumped on me and pressed her sexy full lips into mine for the first time. I found out her night had gone on very late and shed gotten to play with the cute female half of a couple she met at the club. She had maybe the best, perfect, most sexy, breasts I had ever gotten to hold, and I do not exaggerate. I stripped her robe and lingerie bra off (which I had unknowingly helped her pick out earlier in the month as she sent dressing room photos) and then I undressed for her. hairy pussies galleries Her hard-to-get persona fell apart immediately and my hands started exploring her body underneath the robe. Each was two handfuls and on her tiny frame they were just overwhelmingly fuckable. I knocked on her room at about 9am as arranged and got a lovely surprise as she opened the door freshly showered and in a VERY sexy, short, silk robe. You know that first electric touch sensation? From her knees she worked on me as I stood with my head back to the ceiling in heaven. She was a self professed cumslut and immediately got to work milking my cock for all the cum I could give her. I laid back on the bed and she double fisted my cock for a bit and worked her hands and mouth up and down the shaft. She was sloppy and I loved it. She shifted herself to get a better angle on my curved cock and in the process moved her sweet little pussy close enough for me to start playing with it. As expected she was soaked already and I made immediate use of that with my fingers once they pulled her thong aside. I got about 20 seconds of feeling her and tasting my fingers before she expertly aligned her throat to my curved cock and made it disappear. No hesitation, no pause. I dont know what noises I made but Id imagine they were the happiest noises Ive ever made. Yeah, I was reveling in it as she stroked and drooled on my shaft. I probably spent way too much time worshipping them but damn, a good pair shall not go to waste, EVER. One of my go-to pornos to get off fast is deepthroat porn and I was suddenly living that fantasy. Just by how she handled me, I could immediately tell she knew what she was doing. She just swallowed it and kept it down for a good while. After a few more breaths and deep throats she smiled up at me with lips full of drool and a big smile. I could feel her tongue caressing my shaft, then it wrapped around the loose skin at the base and she pushed even further just to make sure she got it all! That little sexy throat was mine for the taking and although I wanted to be so rough with her, but I really had only met her 15 minutes ago (literally) so stayed somewhat controlled as I explored a sexy, fun-sized woman with zero gag reflex who could hold her breath for what seemed like forever. I wouldnt have it any other way. I was happy to oblige. I grabbed her head and pressed my lips and tongue to hers hard. She begged for my cum before I began to use her sexy little cumslut throat so I started fucking her throat in earnest, only pausing every 30 seconds or so for her to breathe while I pumped my spit-coated cock with my hand. In the weeks before meeting she had mentioned she liked getting face fucked while on her back hanging her head off the bed. Should you beloved this short article as well as you wish to be given details with regards to girls hairy photos kindly pay a visit to our site. Her tiny mouth opened completely still pressed teeth into the base of my cock and that tiny bit of pain just added to the pleasure really. She went back down on me and this time I tried some thrusting, cautiously at first but once she grabbed my hips and guided me in and out, as deep as I could push my 7" into her, I just became drunk with pleasure and started truly face fucking her. This was literally my top fantasy and that fact overwhelmed my senses. And I was that much more aroused. I immediately wanted so much more. I leaned forward to a 69 position, still thrusting deep into her mouth, pulled her white panties aside, and licked her swollen, sexy outer lips several times before parting them and enjoying her heavenly wetness. Enjoying her scent, taste, and soft lips was going to put me over the edge quickly. I could tell I wasnt going to last long. My head swelled and released several days of built up sexual anticipation. Thoughts of her comfort left my mind as I pushed deep and let the pleasure wash over me. I could tell she was getting close to needing air but my orgasm wasnt going to wait and I started thrusting a little erratically and pushing as deep into her throat as I could. Her teeth dug into the base of my cock a little painfully but I just embraced the sensation and kept thrusting and spurting into her. I had to bury my face between her legs for a little while too since she was my captive audience her on the bed. As the orgasm subsided I backed away from her And let the last drops of cum run down my cock as I stood over her. The satisfied smile I saw from her just made me lean down and kiss her deeply. I could have kept her busy in the hotel for every second of that day but we had hiking plans for the day and she was, after all, on a mission to see the area in a weekend. Im not a big fan of kissing after a bj but for the first time I just didnt care and pressed my face to hers, probably a little aggressively in my excitement, nibbled her beautiful lips, smeared her spit around with my lips and tongue as we kissed, and just generally reveled in my deep throat experience with her and all the pleasure shed just provided me. I felt like a total porn star. Update as of today I get to see her again! It dawned on me that we only had 19 more hours together before this cute, sexy little lady was going to disappear on me back to far away lands. I wanted to give back and get her an orgasm of her own but she insisted no, at least for the moment. We had a busy day ahead. Meeting in the middle this time.

[samanthasroberts]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

[adambstingus]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/165493432272

[allofbeercom]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

[jimdsmith34]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/09/the-fat-jewas-money-pizza-respect-is.html