#i suppose this is closer to a vent than a diary. if only because its something i want to share to unload

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

anyways if anyone's wondering how im doing, here's a WIP of a glorified diary entry that's me reflecting on the question "Do you take pride in your work" and talking about the abysmal state of being a part-time custodian at a public school.

“Do you take pride in your work?”

When I was being interviewed, I was asked how my former employer would describe me in. I took a moment and came up with, “passionate, dedicated, someone who loves what they do”. (I had 5 different managers at my last job. My former employer only saw me once and never evaluated my work). It wasn’t entirely a lie, though, I enjoyed my time as a student custodian in a college dorm. It was hell, I dealt with horrific messes made by people my age who didn’t consider that a person deals with their trash, someone almost called the police on me because I was suspicious (i.e. a brown Muslim), I was frequently injured, my grades suffered because of how taxing the work was. But I like routine, I liked that I didn’t have to talk to people and I could just listen to music and shuffle around cleaning. I don’t love cleaning, but I love spending time and doing something repetitive and straightforward. If I had to pick between working in retail and cleaning bathrooms, I’d take cleaning bathrooms any day.

When my new manager was showing me around the building, he told me that everyone here loves what they do and takes pride in a job well done, and he said he could tell I was the same way. I felt guilty when he said that, like I would be betraying him if I told him the truth.

I was having a rather difficult night during my last shift. I was physically in agony, mentally I was struggling with paranoia and auditory hallucinations (not helped by the knowledge the day manager watches the cameras and checks my work). I was cleaning a 2nd-grade classroom (the worst one, the one that has always left behind massive messes) and while I vacuumed and let my mind wander, a question found its way into my brain.

“Do you take pride in your work?”

Tears welled in my eyes, sharp and painful as I thought of the answer to that question.

I wish I did. It’s hard to. There’s not much I can find to take pride in. What could I take pride in? I was here because despite a bachelor's degree I couldn’t find any work and I needed to get money to eat somehow. I’m here because I live in my parents' basement and they’ll only let me stay if I have a job. I’m here because custodial work is the only job people seem to want to hire me for. I’m here, hiding the fact that I’m physically disabled so I can do manual labor and destroy my body for a wage that could never pay for rent, doing a job with 0 benefits.

I bought nice work pants to wear at the job but most days I can’t even manage to put them on because it’s too hard on my body. 

When I worked in a dorm, I sometimes felt pride. It might have been sparingly, but I did feel good sometimes. On the weekends, I was the only one cleaning the dorm. While the building was nearly a ghost town with how asocial every resident was, I would still see the residents. I would smiled at them from behind my niqab when I passed them in the hallways carrying trash. I exchanged pleasantries and a few words with the small handful of residents who weren’t white. Once or twice, I would catch a resident bringing their trash out and I would offer to take it and they would thank me. During the worst of COVID, my duties included bringing food to people in quarantine and taking their trash to the dumpster since they couldn’t take it themselves. I felt like I was doing something good, even if most of the residents wouldn’t acknowledge my presence or make eye contact, even though I was hate-crimed while on duty, even though I saw the worst in people.

My new job is at a public school, after hours. I’ve only seen a teacher once, I never see any of the children who learn in the classrooms I clean. The one teacher I did see looked at me once and then let me gather her trash in silence. I doubt any of the teachers know who cleans their classrooms, I wonder half the time if the children even know someone cleans the school. How many of them were brought up being told that they need to study or they’ll end up cleaning bathrooms? Do the students who write obscenities on the walls of the bathroom know that if I don’t get it off the wall, I’ll get written up? That every time I try to clean it off, it’s motivated by paranoia that if I don’t, I put my job in jeopardy. 

I don’t take pride in my work. My cleaning is not motivated by love or dedication or care, but fear. I’ve been applying for jobs since late 2021, slowly burning through my savings trying to stay afloat. I clean in fear, in knowledge that in a year of applying for jobs this is the only job I’ve even been interviewed for. That if I slip up, if I slack, if I fail to meet requirements, I’ll lose my only income.

I’m an abuse survivor, I come from a bad home and difficult childhood, I have PTSD. I don't take pride in my work, everything I do I fear is inadequate. I assume I’m doing everything wrong, that I’m only being tolerated at most and one slip-up will bring me a world of pain. It doesn’t help that I was barely trained. The only reason I’ve managed so far is relying on the 2 years of experience I have at my previous job.

I push around a cart full of cleaning supplies that I haven’t been taught to use. At the dorm, I had 4 main products, a general disinfectant, a bathroom cleaner, a glass cleaner, and on occasion, hospital-grade disinfectant spray. I knew the kill times for each, where to use each. At my current job, my cart and closet are full of an assortment of products, half of them the sort of thing you’d find in a Walgreens. If things look dirty, I was told to spray it with disinfectant. A far cry from my previous job where I would spray down and clean every high-touch surface (tables, the backs and arms of chairs, door handles, railings, window sills). 

I don’t take pride in my work, I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel like I should be wiping down tables and desks and chairs. Children are messy, we’re still in a pandemic. But at my job, I’ve been told to mainly vacuum, take out trash, make sure there’s soap, polish the water fountain. I only have 4 hours to clean 10 classrooms, 2 bathrooms and 2 gyms. I feel like I barely have any time to clean each room.

How can I take pride in my work.

[youllallriseintheink]

Early Ink Hell, chapter 1- Imprisonment

Susie woke up to the sound of Bendyland workers milling one floor above her. She was curled up on the cold, iron floor, right under the heat vent to stay warm. Taking to the same morning routine as always, she put another hatch mark into her diary- 528 now- and checked the elevator doors. As always, they were still locked. There wouldn't be much to do until the residents of the cages that lined the walls woke up and she'd have someone to talk to.

Susie knew why she was imprisoned, and it wasn't just because of her transformation. Everyone had been just fine with her appearance in the months she'd spent acquiring fame for her concerts, in which she performed as the one and only Alice Angel. It's not as though she were some circus animal slave either- she could go home at night, do everything she'd used to, go dancing with her friends and have them ask what had happened as if she'd ever tell, and generally live her life- albeit with constant eyes on her for her cartoonish appearance. Living in a body made of ink had its problems, yes, but they were physical and mental problems, not social ones.

No. The reason she was imprisoned was because she'd nearly killed Allison.

Ever since her transformation, Susie had shared her mind with another. It was hard to describe without making it sound metaphorical- a little voice inside her telling her to act on her worst impulses, becoming stronger, fighting for dominance. The demon had told Susie to kill many different people at some point or another- Sammy and Joey, who had killed her, random men who had harassed her on the street, even herself when she was getting down on herself for allowing this transformation to happen to her. Sometimes, it was hard to separate the demon from her own thoughts. One day, it took control, and Allison had just happened to be nearest.

It felt just like losing control due to emotion. She'd clawed Allison across the face in the plain view of the recording studio, grabbed her by the nose, and bashed her head against the nearby wall multiple times, torn her hair out, and was ready to start bashing her face in when she'd been torn off of Allison by the men of the department.

The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than thirty seconds. Susie might have mistaken it as her having a mental breakdown if not for what had happened next. As the men had attempted to hand her off to some GENT workers who would have known what to do with her, she broke free using a twisting move that she would never have known how to do and ran off, screaming at them in a twisted, demonic voice that they shouldn't dare mess with an angel. That had not been her voice.

Susie had been caught, though, and brought deep underground to this prison, where she'd been locked in an iron cage. There were other ink creatures near her- butcher gang members and Boris clones, mostly. There had been two items in her hand- her diary, which she'd just happened to be carrying with her, and the vast majority of Allison's chestnut hair. She-or the demon, rather, since the action made her want to wretch- arranged the hair and massaged it into the ends of her own, so she was wearing it like hair extensions. If only I had a mirror, the other presence said, I bet it looks just perfect. Perfect, like you never could be. I'm going to beat you, Susie replied to it. We have nothing but time, now. Best of luck. You're weak. You're fragile. You'll never have control of this body again. As though to prove it, the presence moved Susie's fingers through its long hair.

Susie fought hard for control of her body that day. It was like having an emotionally exhausting argument. The lights were out before she finally wrestled control out of the demon's hands. She woke up the next morning out of control again, but she fought herself into control, and quicker this time. Now that she had both control and light, she could write in her diary. It was a good way to keep the demon's fighting and screaming off her mind.

---

Day 4

Well, Actually this is day 6, but it was really dark on days 4 and 5 since it was the weekend. I couldn't write because the only light in the place were a couple of flashlights that a few ink creatures in other cages were toying with. I don't think I've mentioned it before, but there are other items in some of the cages, too- Boris clones chewing on baseballs like sad dogs in a shelter, butcher gang members playing cards. I wondered where on earth the stuff came from before day 4.

On day 4, Thomas Connor came to visit us. That isn't a joke. Allison's husband- the one I'd met a couple times while hanging out at her house- came down here, turned the lights on, and went down the rows letting most of the Boris clones- who had, siince before he even entered, been wagging their tails and even barking if that's something they could do- and some of the butcher gang members- who had also been chattering happily about his arrival- out of their cages. I supposed that I should have been shocked that he knew about the ink creatures, but he always did seem troubled. Now I guess I see why! Then I realized that I put his girlfriend in the hospital, she's probably still there, and her hair is sticking out of Alice's like I'm some kind of hideous vain sorceress with hair extensions. As an aside, can I just say that my other half did not plan this one out well? Allison's hair was outstanding when she ripped it out, but now it's matted and oozing with greasy ink from me sleeping on the ink-stained floor of this cage and having no way to clean or brush it. Thanks, you brilliant demon. Now it's morally and physically repugnant.

Anyhow, I realized that Thomas wouldn't be happy to see me, and so before he came to my cage, I tucked Allison's hair over my shoulder and turned to face the wall as he got closer, hoping he wouldn't recognize me. I think he did, though- I peeked over my shoulder, and he was giving me a dirty look.

After he'd released all the ink creatures he'd wanted to, he basically let them wander around the area to socialize and stretch their legs. He even threw tennis balls for some of the Borises. At one point, a Barley seemed to lose control of himself, latched himself onto a Boris' leg, and bit into it, making it squeal. Thomas had to rush over, take him by the arms, and drag it kicking and garbling to its cage. He said something to the effect of "why do I still let out these toon-dominant Barleys."

Toon dominant? I wish I could figure out what that means.

I don't know how long all of this went on for-an hour, maybe- but at a certain point, Thomas looked down at his watch and then started loading the toons back into their cages. Once again, I looked away while he passed me. I don't know why, but this time I decided to speak up.

"Can I have a flashlight?"

"What did you say?" Thomas growled, approaching me.

"A flashlight. You see, every time I go to sleep, this demon who lives in my head tries to take over again. But, as an ink creature, I don't need to sleep. If you could just give me a flashlight like you gave to some of the others, I could shine it in my face to stay up when it's dark. Please- I don't know how else I'm going to beat this thing!" The last part was a lie. It was all lies, really. Sleep is pretty much the only time I don't have to deal with her. But I was giving him my best pitiful look, and it must have worked, because I could tell he was melting.

"How do I know this is Susie talking and not the demon you're talking about?" he asked, but he asked it gently.

"Does it matter? What's the harm in giving her a flashlight? What could she do with it?"

Uncertainty clouded Thomas' features. "You have a point. Now, look- I don't have a flashlight on me, but I think there's a spare one upstairs. I'll go get it for you. Why don't I grab some scissors and cut off that hair, too?"

I got the sense he was testing me- surely the demon wouldn't have wanted it removed. Easy test to pass. "Thank you. I don't need the reminder of what she- I- whatever- you know what I mean."

A few minutes later he was back. he started by just trying to cut it through the bars of the cage, but it didn't work too well, so before long I was out of my cage for the first time, letting him cut my hair.

"So, how did you start coming down here?" I asked.

"A couple weeks ago out of two kinds of guilt. For one, guilt about being a part of this. For another, guilt because Allison is always helping out with something this time of the week, and I thought I ought to be, too. And I can't think of anyone who better needs some help than these ink creatures. I don't know how they're made and I don't want to so don't tell me, but still. You all could use a break. Usually I bring some cookies, too, but Allison wasn't around to bake them and I forgot to unfreeze the frozen ones."

"That's really sweet of you. Is Allison okay?"

"Oh, she'll be fine. No brain damage, thank God. A few broken bones. And she'll be wearing a wig over her mess of a scalp for weeks. She's fine with that, though. Wants to try platinum blonde."

"Oh? That'll look so nice on her! And I'm so glad she's okay."

"Yeah. Well, you're done," he said, cutting the last bits of Allison's hair out. "Back into your cage." I obeyed. He's a strong, quick man- I don't think I could have made a freedom dash if I wanted to. Still, I think it's good that I made an ally. Who knows? Maybe one day he'll let us out of here.

---

Day 8

Today, Sammy and Joey came to visit. I knew something was up before they even arrived because everyone had gone dead silent, save for the whining of the two Boris clones who can vocalize. The air was filled with paralyzing dread. By the end of their visit, I knew why.

[golden-witch]

Rosa, Rosa, why are you such an idiot?

Hey! I wrote up a long character analysis of Rosa for fun. I hope you enjoy it.

[Read the full post under read more]

The narration mentions in Episode 2 that Rosa still feels like a child because she can’t accept and overcome her trauma which makes her an incapable mother. The banquet scene during the Tea Party has always been one of my favorite scenes in Umineko for its more somber aspects, something both the manga and the anime neglect in order to focus more on the horror themes. I’ll link it here because it’s the most important point of consideration when analyzing Rosa’s character. It certainly leaves an impression of what her childhood was like.

Some people were surprised to learn that Krauss and Eva were full fledged adults when they abused Rosa. If Eva and Krauss are in their 50’s and Rosa is In her early 30’s, that puts about a 20 year age difference between them! This isn't a case of sibling rivalry such as Eva vs. Krauss-- this is the abuse of a child by her adult siblings. We don't know the exact numbers, but we can assume Rosa is closer in age to the cousins than her eldest brother and sister. They suggest this several times in the story when Battler notes her odd position in the family. Rosa is treated as neither an adult nor child and is continuously forced out of conversations with her siblings. (Think of the scene in episode 2 where Kyrie manipulates Rosa to leave the room by gently reminding her that she's left Maria outside.) She acts submissively towards them and follows their guidance. This is likely why 12 year old Battler got the impression that she was “sweet”.

There's also the issue of her parents, who we can assume were neglectful if not equally abusive. I would imagine Kinzo would want as little to do with her as possible; he would have little incentive to raise her as she was a girl and because he was already committed to Beatrice II (who grew up alongside her). Rosa’s relationship with her mother is suggested to be strained (when Rosa talks about running away from home because she did badly on an exam), and I think-- as is the case with the other adults-- that she doesn’t remember the woman fondly.

The way Rosa behaves supports my impression that she grew up in a household where she was undervalued. It’s reasonable to assume she threw herself at the first man who treated her with the slightest bit of compassion and who offered her an opportunity to leave Rokkenjima. His character ended up being flimsy, but someone of Rosa’s background wouldn’t be able to notice the warning signs of abandonment. Rosa believes he left because of her pregnancy, but you could make the argument that he purposefully conned her and dumped her once he had the money Kinzo lent him. Having never been wanted before, Rosa would accept his behavior to feel desirable.

The relationship Rosa had with Maria’s father is one of two romantic relationships mentioned in the story, the other being her fling with the married man in Maria’s book (classy). I don’t know how accurately I can say this reflects all of her romantic endeavors, but we do know that Maria never makes note of any men who might have come in and out of her life. It seems that Rosa doesn’t bring her lovers home out of fear they will leave her due to Maria (as she believes her ex did), so I think the relationships were very shallow. Bringing a boyfriend or girlfriend home with her would have been a step in deepening their bond, but Rosa pushes them away perhaps out of fear they will one day leave her (#abandonment issues). She is in favor of short-term romances with a low level of commitment. This is why I can’t stand when people try to argue that the scene of Rosa in bed with her lover in episode 4 is just “Ange’s fabrication”! Everything about Rosa screams that was the truth of the situation.

“So Rosa sacrifices her time to have passionate one-night stands with guys she doesn’t even care about?” Sort of-- she feeds off of the attention they give her. It’s not very important who her lovers are so long as they acknowledge her as her family did not. She craves the external validation she was denied in childhood. There’s also something to be said about sex as a means of claiming adulthood. I can totally see why someone so insecure of their maturity would go so far.

I could talk a lot about what I make of Rosa’s relationship with other adults. If you want to discuss that further, totally send me an ask, but I’d like to dedicate the later half of the analysis to Maria. This is where I have to give a major content warning for discussions of violent child abuse.

The story alludes strongly to the idea that Maria is most likely on the autism spectrum. I don’t know if it’s canon, but after hearing from autistic fans that Maria resembles their experiences, I feel comfortable saying that she’s neurodivergent. It’s not my place and not within the scope of this essay to make claims about Maria’s mental health, but we should take into account how her behavior affects her relationship with her mother. Nothing Maria does is “abnormal” for a child (I would argue there are no abnormal children); Rambler once answered an ask about a “what if” scenario where Maria was neurotypical and gave the answer that it probably wouldn’t matter in terms of Rosa abusing her. Rosa vents her anger towards Maria. It doesn’t matter if she is a “problem child” or not.

Maria is continuously said to be different from her peers, and differences breed scorn. Rosa wants Maria to be “normally” behaved so she will be acknowledged as a good parent and an adult. Kids are seen as reflections of their parents, and she sees Maria as a threat to her reputation-- especially in front of her siblings, who openly mock her. Ironically, Rosa plays into this expectation; she was considered incompetent as a child and incompetent as an adult. She wants to defy that expectation so badly that she ends up beating her child. It’s a cycle she puts no effort into breaking. For that she should be seen as a deplorable character and an abuser. I believe Ryukishi wanted it to be obvious that Rosa is a neglectful and irresponsible, sometimes violent mother.

Let’s break down their relationship.

Rosa-- at her heart-- cares about Maria’s wellbeing. She acknowledges she should have been a more accepting mother and recognizes that her actions were wrong-- Most notably in episode 8 in the Golden Land. Unfortunately, she is only able to consider mending her relationship with Maria in retrospect since she is, of course, at that point dead.  I believe this indicates that she had the capacity to change her behavior, and it a better universe, she would be able to become a good parent. This is all hypothetical, though there is enough in the story to hint that this was a strong possibility had Sayo not given up on the family. If only someone had intervened successfully…

Ryu also wants us to consider that Rosa is protective of Maria against outside threats. He refers to her as both a mother bear and a mother wolf who will bear fangs when her child is in danger. The story supports this in episode 2 when Rosa fights to protect her daughter from the goats. On the contrary, it is suggested that Rosa’s abuse of Maria stems from how others interpret Maria’s behavior. I don’t really understand how Rosa can both be “protective” of Maria and brutal towards her daughter depending on external threats. I think this is supposed to be further evidence (intentional or not) that Rosa is unbalanced and acts inconsistently.

It was exceedingly difficult for Rosa to manage raising a child. Her polarizing behavior was what led Maria to come up with the “white witch/black witch” concept since a child couldn’t make sense of something so complex. Rosa explains during episode 2 that she often spoiled Maria, and this is seen in episode 4 when she takes Maria out for dessert at a restaurant she can’t afford. This is exemplary of Rosa’s genuine feelings of affection for Maria which she is at a loss for ways to convey. A girl who grew up rich and neglected may see objects as a means to soothe wounds. Her lingering guilt causes her to feed into Maria’s material wants without considering her emotional needs. She overcompensates with gifts. Maria would cry and demand presents, and Rosa would either buy into it to satisfy her or beat her into submission. Neither of these are good parenting!

The reason why CPS is notified about Rosa’s behavior has to do with parental neglect; Rosa left Maria by herself for too long for too many times. We know from Maria’s diary that Rosa was often absent and used the excuse that she was working late into the night and for days at a time, and we know of one instance where Rosa lied and instead went on vacation. However, we can’t say that Rosa was always on vacation when she left Maria alone. I personally believe that Rosa would engage in some unhealthy working habits to offset the cost of her frivolous lifestyle.

More headcanons that I have are that these bursts in irregular behavior for Rosa happened clustered together. Basically, Rosa would irresponsibly work for multiple days straight and then impulsively abandon her daughter to go on vacations in a predictable pattern. I believe Rosa suffers from bipolar II-- the sort of self-sabotaging behavior she engages in is evidence. She wants her business to succeed, but risks its stability. She wants to be a good mother, but she abuses Maria. Her sudden fits of rage and violent mood swings could be connected to this because it's a common symptom for those with mood disorders. I don't think it's out of the question to say that she was suffering from a manic episode during the period Maria writes about in her journal. This isn't to say that people with bipolar II are abusers, I'm just suggesting some of her behavior can be explained this way. This comes from my own experiences and observations, so please don’t take my word for it. I’m just offering up an interpretation.

Anyway, if you want to hear more about Rosa as an abuser, and why she’s responsible for her actions, check it out here!

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[adaralondon]

What’s the Tea Geoffrey: Was the Canterbury Tale Chaucer’s diary?

       Known as the father of English literature Chaucer is a man of many words. Not only that, he was a rule breaker using Middle English Vernacular, the slang of peasants, to present his writings to the upper class who preferred the debonair of the Latin and French languages. This was a bold and controversial move for someone who was a member of parliament. Although he used English as his choice language Chaucer still managed to produce over fourteen widely popular books, but his most notable work is The Canterbury Tales. It contains twenty-four tales told by thirty different pilgrims, but he originally planned for it to include 124 stories in total. Unfortunately, all 124 planned stories were unable to be completed due to his untimely death which left many of the tales he had already started incomplete. The Canterbury Tales however is not only interesting because it contains such a vast amount of tales but also because one man was able to write so many stories that gave each character in their respective tale a different personality. However, upon closer inspection the stories may not be as unique as we originally thought. Many details mirror events that happened in Chaucer’s real life. The Wife of Bath’s Tale mirrors several aspects of his raptus accusations or as we know it as in modern day and age: Rape or kidnapping, from Cecily Champagne. The Franklin’s Tale is famously thought to be a tale about his marriage to the Queen’s lady in waiting, Philippa Roet. His close friend John of Gaunt also makes a few appearances yet they are notoriously negative. John was thought to be a usurper of Chaucer’s marriage as reflected in The Merchant’s Tale. Since we have very limited biographical records when it comes to Chaucer’s life this paper can only be taken as speculation but I will support my claims using the evidence I’ve collected from searching through his writings, the limited biographical records we do have, and numerous scholarly sources. Through my paper I will answer the question: Is it possible that Chaucer used The Canterbury Tales as a method of therapy so he could vent about traumatic experiences without being judged, confined, or imprisoned? I will also provide proof as to why I believe my stance in the argument, that he did use The Canterbury tales as some sort of journal, is not as farfetched as it seems.

Therapy in the 14th century was nothing like the services we are provided now. Today you can book an appointment with a licensed therapist and discuss your problems confidentially. The therapist isn’t going to consider you a nutcase for speaking your mind and the only way you will get sent to the asylum is if you threaten to harm yourself, others, or are an immediate danger. People who lived in the 14th century did not have this luxury. According to several sources (Preceden, Schwartz, and Burton) The first mental health symptoms were identified in 500bce and were listed as mania, melancholia, dementia, hysteria, delusions, and hallucinations. These symptoms are even noted in the bible. In 1 Samuel 16:14:23 there is a verse that states: “And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took [a] harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him.”(Bible Gateway) showing that these symptoms were not unknown to even the most inspirational of figures.

Although we look at these as signs of mental illness the perception of what is classifies as such has always changed with the century it is identified in. During 500bce scholars like Plato and Socrates considered madness “the gift of heaven, [that] is the channel by which we receive the greatest blessings… madness comes from God, whereas sober sense is merely human.” Suggesting that most creatively talented people dealt with some sort of mental aliment that benefited their work in ways people who are neurotypical could have not imagined. Not every scholar thought that “madness” was a blessing though. Mental health was typically looked at from two different angles. As aforementioned, it could be thought of as a gift that was received from the Gods as many mental illnesses are known to have inspired some of the best modern artistic talents. Van Gough, Beethoven, and Munch were all known to suffer from some sort of affliction yet are still considered some of our greatest artist. The second view of mental illness was more cynical. It was thought of as a divine punishment, demonic possession, or wildly enough “an imbalance of [the] four bodily fluids or humors”. Since there were not what we considered therapist and psychiatrist in those days’ things thought to be caused by religion were often dealt with by religion. Most of the time the cures that dealt with these afflictions often were based in mysticisms: trepanation where a ‘doctor’ would drill a hole into the skull to release the ‘demon’ or ‘sprit’ inside of one’s being or hydrotherapy which would be akin to a Jesus like baptism and often times included crucifixion in its usage.

It was not until a year after Chaucer’s death in 1401 that next thoughts of where trauma and mental illness spawned from were formed: Christianity. In the 1400s Mental health issues were thought to have come from practicing witchcraft which would make converting to Christianity the lesser evil as opposed to being accused of being a witch and burned alive. Two years later though things had started to move away from religion and towards more ‘realistic’ treatments. The first mental health institution was opened in 1403 but during that time treatment would have still been considered inhumane to modern day people. If diagnosed with an aliment the treatment was little more than being restraint in a strayjacket. (Britannica). However inhumane the treatments were they were still vast improvements to what was available during the 13th century. Unfortunately, these things had only become available after Chaucer’s death meaning that he would never be able to experience the improvements in health care.

During the medieval ages those who did not believe in the church or its teachings did not have much to lean on. Chaucer who was a non-believer and whose life contained multiple exiles, kidnapping, the death of his wife & several of his children, and the loss of his position in the royal court did not have many places he could go to relieve stress. Given his circumstances and the effect they would have had on his mien Chaucer would more than likely have been accused of witchcraft or be admitted to an asylum (had these options been available) but since he did not trust the church enough to use the confessionals which at the time were akin to what we considered a modern-day therapist there was not much hope for him. As a practicing Christian or catholic, citizens were supposed to be able to go to the church and confess anything with it being considered 100% confidential. Yet given the way Chaucer writes his characters that play ‘vital’ church roles the confessional did not seem to be the best choice to entrust secrets to. Since the church was not a source of comfort for Chaucer, he was left with one option albeit one familiar, friendly, and that would never betray him: Writing.

Writing has been a therapeutic source for as long as people have had written language. Many writers subconsciously voice their problems to their audience throughout their work. “Self-1 acts as the main character as well as an involved narrator, while Self-2 acts as the narrator, listener, and counselor, and life narratives usually appear as a dialogue between these two selves. Self-1 and Self-2 merge when an epiphany occur in the author’s writing that allows him or her to make sense of life experiences.” (Yu) I can attest to this personally as a three-time published author when writing each of my books I noticed that a lot of my writing seemed to mirror experiences that had happened to me. I was not intentionally incorporating these events into my writing and I had not noticed that I was doing it. Once I started to proofread, I noticed all the topics I was writing about sounded familiar. It was like I was having a conversation with two versions of myself. One person was explaining the things that happened to them and the other person was listening and acting as a counselor. After I had written these experiences down, I felt immensely better as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. “Studies have found that most people feel happier and healthier after writing about deeply traumatic memories.” (Pennebaker) Proving that writing therapy has healing effects and may even be therapeutic for those who have no where else to turn.  Although some people may argue Chaucer did not use The Canterbury Tales as a therapist there is no way to explicitly prove this. No one has a complete biographical record of his life and what we do have is fragmented containing only bits and pieces of his life which leaves a lot to speculation. Many writers would argue that writing therapy is often subconscious, and they are not aware most of the time that the therapy session is taking place. Also, as mentioned previously since a substantial amount of Chaucer’s records are missing from history no one can make a case for either side and claim it as completely true. Upon my close inspection though, I have noticed that there are several events in The Canterbury Tales that mirror Chaucer’s life so I can argue that he did use the book as his own personal confessional.

Perhaps one of the most infamous moments of Chaucer’s life was when he was accused of rape by Cecily Champagne. The exact term used is the Latin word raptus which could mean several things such as to seize or to force sexual acts unto someone. (Glosbe) Like most terms not every word translates directly into modern English; words are known to shift meaning quite frequently so there is not any exact way for us to know which version of the act Chaucer was accused of. Even scholars have debated exactly which usage of the word Chaucer was charged with but since it was known to be a common occurrence in legal documentation scholars have narrowed down the argument a lot. “The nature of the offence is made clear by the use of the two words 'rapuerunt et abduxerunt'. When raptus or forms of the verb rapere are used alone, it seems they must mean rape.” (Pearsall). It is unknown if Chaucer kidnapped Cecily Champagne or sexually forced himself on her but given what we can see from the knight in The Wife of Bath’s Tale its highly possible that Chaucer was accused of what we consider to be modern day sexual assault.

In modern times Rape has become trivialized, children yell out that they are being raped when being playfully touched by their classmates and women are villainized based on what they were wearing, drinking, and or where they were located. Rape has also started to become fetishized as seen by television, film, and pornography where women dream of being forced into sexual situations and the media highlighting rape scenes as a basis for the growth of women into a powerful being. However, in Chaucer’s time this was not the case because rape was treated as an extremely serious crime. The punishment for rape was “castration and blinding, and later [hanging].” (Lee) This is seen in The Wife of Bath’s Tale as King Arthur is ready to put the Knight to death: “that dampned was this knyght for to be deed.” (Chaucer L.891) King Arthur was attempting to carry out his duty in order to appease the woman whose maidenhead was stolen by the Knight, but strangely enough it is the women of the town and the queen that beg him not to punish the Knight. The Queen instead sends the knight on a quest to find out what is it that women truly desire to atone for his grievous sin. The woman who is raped is written out of the story and only mentioned once, not by name, and only in tandem with the Knight. The same way Champagne is written out of history after Chaucer pays her off. Also, the way the knight’s rape case is bartered by the women around him mirrors Chaucer’s friends support of him when he was accused. The rape accusations had no effect on Chaucer’s career as such the rape did not have any effect on the knight’s status as a hero of medieval literature as this is not the only instance of knights committing such heinous crimes. Although what makes the tale so interesting is that Chaucer writes this tale so casually given he has personal experience with being accused of rape. That isn’t to say that he wasn’t affected by the accusation mentally though, even though it had no effect on his career and is written so freely, being accused of rape is something that can ruin a person’s life health wise. “The mental health damage caused to wrongly convicted prisoners is similar to that suffered by veterans of war and torture survivors….A 2003 study conducted by the Life After Exoneration Program of sixty [falsely accused prisoners] found that nearly half were burdened by depression, anxiety disorders or post-traumatic stress disorder.” (Hoyle 13) The writing in The Wife of Bath’s Tale mirror the accusation from Cecily Champagne and the way his friends defended his name way too closely to just be coincidental. It is arguable that the accusations did have a substantial effect on his life and mental health especially since he was accused of rape in 1380 and the tales were written in 1400. This would mean he carried that trauma with him for about 20 years before releasing it on paper. In addition to being accused of rape another thing that would have stressed him out was his marriage to Phillipa Roet.

Chaucer’s wife Philippa Roet was of a much higher status then he was. Chaucer was born into a family of vintners meanwhile his wife was a lady in waiting for Elizabeth of Ulster, Queen Philippa, and Constance of Castile. The main characters of The Franklin’s Tale: Dorigen and Arveragus also have differences in class and ranking. Dorigen, like Roet comes from a higher born status and Arveragus must go through a set of tasks to win her love. When he does, they marry, and he agrees with her that they should be equals in private, but he should hold the power when it comes to public appearances. Even though Roet was of higher born status she was still a woman.

Women in the 13th century were thought of as property of their husbands. It is a common thought that women had no rights in their marriages, but this is not true. Women did have “the right to consent to marriage, the right to ask for marital debt or conjugal (sexual) duty, the right to leave a marriage when they either suspected it was invalid or had grounds to sue for separation, and finally the right to choose one's own place of burial, death being the point at which a spouse's ownership of the other spouse's body ceased.” (McDougall). However, these rights did not make them equal to their partners, women were still considered inferior in the eyes of the law and the court. Even if the woman was considered elite according to English law their husbands were still considered above them in terms of martial power. The duty of an upper-class woman was known to be “to obey their spouse, guard their virtue, produce offspring, and to oversee the operation of the household.” (Schaus) So, it is surprising that Arveragus offers Dorigen the opportunity to be equals, although we are not sure what that equality entails, even if it is private. One thing I noticed is that since this tale is perhaps the one that parallels Chaucer’s life the most, it is interesting that he chooses not to have Chaucer the Pilgrim tell this tale. Perhaps it was too painful to use his own character. Perhaps it is to hide that Chaucer’s marriage to Philippa may have been ‘corrupted’ by the foreign suitor: Aurelius who more than likely was based on her partner in adultery, John of Gaunt. This seemed to influence his mental health as his wife betrayed their sacred marriage vows and committed fornication with John of Gaunt who is generally considered to be one of his close friends.

It was not uncommon for John to pursue women as he was known to be quite the womanizer; meaning it would not be unusual for John to have pursued Roet. This tale suggests two things: Chaucer was aware of Gaunt’s pursuit of his wife and she did the honorable thing which would have been to reject his advances out of respect for her husband which in the story Dorigen rejects Aurelius’ pursuit of her. The second thing it suggest is that Chaucer was aware that she did indeed commit this horrible act but asked her to keep it a secret. In the tale there is a scene where Dorigen must make good on her promise to be with Aurelius since he completed his task for her while her husband was a way. Her husband commands her to keep it a secret and makes her keep her promise to Aurelius. “Dorigen can keep her promise to Aurelius, but Arveragus will kill her if she ever lets anyone find out that he has lost sexual control of her. Masculine pride in his public ownership of Dorigen is revealed here as the real bottom line of Arveragus's self-image, known cuckoldry the one outcome he cannot tolerate under any circumstances.” (Davis) Suggesting that Chaucer would not allow his wife’s blunder to influence his career.

There is quite a debate on whether Gaunt slept with Phillipa. Gaunt was married to Roet’s sister and an affair would have been considered incestuous but since public records regarding her infidelity are hard to come by no one can be sure. It is known that Chaucer’s son chose to take his mother’s coat of arms instead of his father’s suggesting that Chaucer may not have been his father at all. In fact, many scholars debate if Chaucer’s son was his own or if he was truly Gaunt’s son. “Given John of Gaunt's reputation for fornication, it is a distinct possibility that ‘the randy prince’ liked to tumble about with both sisters at the same time and that Chaucer's supposed son, Thomas was not the product of the poet's loins but was actually the son of John of Gaunt.” (Dartington Morris Men.) Due to the son wearing his mother’s insignia suggesting that he and Chaucer may not have been close possibly which would be likely if Chaucer was not truly his father.

Having to father a son that was not yours would more than likely be a significant cause of stress. It would have caused some tension between all three parties especially since given the events of The Franklin’s Tale Chaucer more than likely forbade his wife from discussing it. Although the law did permit that Chaucer could take revenge against Gaunt at any time: “the killing of a male adulterer by a male cuckold was not outlawed in secular law, leaving scope for lawful revenge-killing.” (Weinstein). Although revenge killing would have been way too risky given that Gaunt was a prince and if Chaucer killed him it would be revealed that his wife was unfaithful. The unfaithfulness of a wife would have shown that Chaucer was unable to maintain control of his ‘property’ causing him immense shame and staining his career. Having to keep a secret is known to influence mental health and one’s sense of self. The inability to do anything regarding his wife’s affair could be what led to the resentment of marriage that is shown in The Merchant’s Tale.

The final tale I would like to reference is The Merchant’s Tale. Since it was commonly thought that his wife was unfaithful and committed adultery with his close friend John of Gaunt. In medieval times men were expected to remain faithful to their wives but it was foolish for a man to expect his wife to be faithful back to him suggesting that Chaucer was aware of the fornication. Several of Chaucer’s tales focus on marriage but there are two that seem to mirror his own marriage closely one being The Franklin’s Tale and the other The Merchant’s Tale.

The prologue of The Merchant’s Tale starts with a negative view of women and marriage. “I have a wyf, the worste that may be/For thogh the feend to hire ycoupled were.” (Chaucer line 1218-1219) The Merchant believes that marriage is an atonement for past sins and belittles both his vows and his wife in front of the other pilgrims. January the character of the tale, is completely different than the one in the Merchant’s prologue, however. The tale itself begins with a favorable attitude regarding marriage as for some mysterious reason this honorable knight who had envied married men had avoided holy matrimony for so long. He describes being a bachelor as a painful thing and calls a wife “the best part of a treasure.” (Chaucer) He also notes that the thought of being married makes his heart swell with pride. With January’s view of marriage in such an opposition to the merchant’s, it is hard to know what side of the fence Chaucer himself stood on. It is thought that Chaucer knew his own wife was unfaithful but went back in forth between feeling as though he was a cuckhold-- ironically enough this exact word is used in the tale in line 1306  and once again in line 2256-- to feelings of anger.  This is important because historically we are unsure if Chaucer’s own marriage to Phillipa Roet was content or full of contempt. “Women didn't have a choice as to who they would marry and, most of the time, women didn't even know the man before they wed. However, men were sometimes able to choose their bride. Marriage back then was not based on love; most marriages were political arrangements.” (Medieval Times) Perhaps even the great and humble Chaucer himself saw marriage as something political and not for love as he had a substantial problem with the concepts of oaths. Also, regarding marriage for the purpose of financial and economic gain was not uncommon during the time. Chaucer could have used his marriage to Roet to gain higher status and a larger amount of royalties for his writing since writers were not paid well leading many to have to pick up secondary careers. Although , it may be possible given the way January speaks on marriage and so obviously turns a blind eye to witnessing his wife’s ludicrous act with another man that Chaucer was so in love with Phillipa that he was willing to overlook her infidelity.

In medieval times men were expected to remain faithful to their wives. Adultery was considered a crime under a monarchy that centered its laws around the bible. When laws were broken the court would subject them to a fitting punishment and punishments in the medieval times are nowhere comparable to the lenient jail time criminals can serve today. Depending on what crime was committed a person could be condemned to wear a badge designating what their crime was for their entire life. (Thorpe) or even worse, since torture was a favorite during this time, someone accused of cheating on their spouse would be put into a stock or a pillory and the stock would hold one by their ankles while the pillory was used for heads and wrist. (Medieval Chronicles). Although Chaucer thought it was foolish for a man to expect his wife to be faithful back to him. (Lumiansky) women were not exempt from being punished for adultery. The Leges Henrici Primi decreed that the King should have the executive authority to punish an adulterous man, and that adulterous women should be punished by bishops. (Weinstein). Although, ironically enough in The Manciple’s Tale, Chaucer warns women to be careful of unfaithful men. It is well known that Chaucer’s wife was an adulterer but, it is possible due to his wife being of higher status then him he didn’t have much room for complaint because if they were to be legally separated for any reason Chaucer would lose the higher status he had achieved. It is to be noted that this status was indeed revoked when Philippa, his wife, had passed on. Also, if Chaucer loved Phillipa he would not want her to receive the punishments that were attested to women when they were charged with the crime of adultery. “The codes of Cnut prescribed corporal mutilation for female adulterers—cutting off their nose and ears.” (Klinck).

Being conflicted on whether to turn his spouse over to the higher court and risk her punishment or letting her be free to cheat continuously would have caused Chaucer significant emotional stress. We see that infidelity in marriage is a common theme in almost all the marriage tales Chaucer writes. Furthermore, it is known the when a spouse is unfaithful it can have a significant impact on one’s health, “being the victim of infidelity can have serious consequences for a person's mental and physical health. The situation has been associated with depression, anxiety, and unhealthy coping…. some mental health professionals also believe there can be parallels with post-traumatic stress disorder.” (Millar) It is possible that since Chaucer could not turn her in nor did he believe in going to the church confessional that he internalized a lot of his anger and sadness and instead wrote his feelings into The Canterbury Tales, the safest place for them to be. I would also argue that he could safely express his feelings regarding the church because the tales were written in English and English vernacular, which at time would have been the language of peasants. Anything considerably worth reading at the time would have been presented in Latin and French the languages regarded worthy at the time. This would have allowed his to get away with quite a lot.

By the time Chaucer had started working on The Canterbury Tales he had been exiled from Europe. He was permitted to return years later and lived in the Close of the Collegiate Church of St Peter until his death in 1401. However, during exile he had lost his wife and several of his children died due to diseases that commonly plagued Europe at the time. After his wife died his social status was revoked and he was reduced to little more than a gardener. It is unknown how Chaucer died some say it was natural causes while other say he was murdered by enemies of Richard the second. Despite the chaos of his life I think that Chaucer did not die a miserable man. In his last moments he could speak his mind freely in his book allowing all the troubles he faced while he was alive to be translated onto paper. Many people may ask why a paper like this is important to explore when there are more pressing topics when it comes to Chaucer’s writing such as feminism, sexism, and queer theory. While those are indeed important looking at things from a psychoanalytic lens is equally important. As English majors I think it is important to look at Chaucer's work through a psychoanalytic lens because often we forget the writers exsist outside of their work. Chaucer was a person as much as he was a writer and it is important to acknowledge that he went through a lot in his life if we want to understand his work better. Realizing that authors are human takes them off the god pedestal our society has forced some of English's greatest writers-- such as Shakespeare -- and makes them feel more accessible to students and teachers alike. A topic like this is also important because it discusses the taboo subject of mental health which serves to further humanize English's favorite authors. As readers we like to think that our favorites were untouchable, Great literature makes us believe that these authors did not suffer through real life events and only exsist through their writing. I think that that is dangerous because struggles are what make people who they are. When we separate crucial events from our writers, we start to miss important points and topics that appear in their writing. Chaucer wrote The Canterbury Tales not only for our entertainment but also to express that he was not invincible. He was a man just like the rest of the world, who suffered just as much as the peasant class did. I can say that he did use his writing as a tool to express the anguish that appeared because there are too many events in The Canterbury Tales that mirror his real life to be coincidental. Scholars may debate this point but upon reading this essay I hope they research Chaucer’s life and see that the tales are more than just a way for him to poke fun at the church and throw a couple of sexual innuendos into a literary classic but also asway for a human man to express human suffering. It is important to realize that these people also had lives just like us so that we can have a better understanding of their works and they do not feel as untouchable as we allow them to now. It is a new phenomenon to include trauma in works of fiction as a way of therapy. Walter Dean Myers another famous writer was often encouraged by his teachers to use his writing to express himself. Van Gough was thought to have used The Scream to paint the storm he felt inside of himself. Chinua Achebe used his writing to express disdain for the British settlement and colonization in his home country of Nigeria. Geoffrey Chaucer was not the first man to use his works as his own personal therapist and he will not be the last.

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