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helplesslyfictional · 5 years

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Loki Fanfiction - Remember the Old Ways, Chapter 7 - “Disorder”

Author’s Note: I apologize for the lateness of this chapter, since I've been trying to update every week. Since I haven't written in a considerable amount of time, I had difficulty with the structure of this and the subsequent chapters. Any input is always appreciated, since creators don't like to create in a vacuum!

Chapter Summary: Thor adjusts to meeting Sophia. As Loki's future weighs on him, he distracts himself. Pairings: None! These stories are focused on family relationships.

What characters, then? Loki, Thor, Odin, Frigga, OCs [Sophia]

When? Pre-Thor 2011: From Asgard to Earth, will go through Thor 2011 Warnings: SPOILERS for Avengers Infinity War (under cut), mature themes, emotional trauma and abuse, swearing, anxiety, mentions of mental disorders, medication Taglist: @loki-the-fox; @i-am-loki-and-now-i-speak-up; @trickster-grrrl; @deviantredhead; @mylokabrennauniverse; @leanmeanand-green; @juliabohemian; @latent-thoughts; @lucianalight; @nox-th-lk-sf; @be-a-snake-stab-your-brother; Please let me know if you would like to be added/removed from tags and I’m more than happy to do so! If I added you it’s because I’ve been tracking your blog/work and have noticed you might be interested. :)

AO3 story link; Wattpad

tumblr: Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6

Thor was breathing heavily as he assessed Sophia, his hand at the ready to summon Mjolnir from his side. Loki knew that Thor might call the guards if he didn’t explain quickly. Not taking his eyes off her, Thor asked tensely, “Is this who you were talking to?”

“Yes,” said Loki quickly, stepping toward Thor and placing a hand on his arm cautionarily. “She’s not a threat, Thor, she’s not even here.”

Thor looked at him sharply. “I felt her touch me.”

“Yes, well, I haven’t figured that part out yet.” After everything that had happened, Loki felt worn out. However, he wasn’t going to forget his manners. “Sophia, meet Thor, Crown Prince of Asgard.”

She looked at Loki with uncertainty, pursed her lips, then stiffened and gave a slight bow. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, your majesty.”

Loki was impressed with how easily she slipped into such decorum, particularly with their emotional, casual meetings, and made a mental note to ask about it later.

Thor looked Sophia up and down. She was wearing a simple grey shirt, black trousers, and socks. “What are you doing here? This is a private conversation.”

Loki stepped in front of Sophia. “It was actually our private conversation before you barged in,” he said defensively. “That was why I didn’t let you in the door.”

Crossing his arms, Thor gave a sly smile and drew in a breath. “Oh. I didn’t know you were pursuing a woman, you should have told me.”

Sophia’s eyes widened. “Hey!” Loki heard her say, before he grasped her arm to stop her retort. “You’re mistaken, brother, we were merely trying to understand the communication we’ve been having after Osk’s enchantment flared.”

“Has it been troubling you, Loki?”

“No, brother, it has been extraordinary.” As Loki explained what they had learned earlier, Sophia seemed to relax a little more. Thor’s stance also changed from one ready for combat to one of interest. Outside, the sky-shroud began to gather clouds, softening the noonday sun and spitting out a few snowflakes, which landed on the balcony and promptly melted.

“Why this Midgardian woman?” said Thor, stroking his beard. “Why did Osk connect the two of you?”

“Thor, we talked about the third child in the prophecy with Osk. I think that Sophia is - possibly…” Loki didn’t finish the sentence as he realized he hadn’t told Sophia about any of this. He wasn’t ready to tell her.

But if he only had eight years left, then they needed to find out quickly.

Thor’s eyes darted between them both. “Our sister? But...she is definitely not Asgardian.”

Sophia gave a start, uncrossing her arms. “What? Wait, what? What did you say?”

Loki opened his mouth to answer, but Thor was faster. “He didn’t tell you? A prophecy gives the possibility of us having a sibling.”

“No! Did you say sister?”

“Yes, we - “ Thor started, but Loki was finally able to speak over him.

“I didn’t tell you because we aren’t even sure ourselves,” he said, giving Thor a meaningful glance. Thor caught it and gave a little nod.

“Sure of what? There’s nothing to...look into.” She laughed in disbelief. “There’s absolutely no way that’s possible.”

“She did say she was born of her parents,” Loki said to Thor.

“Right! I mean, my mom has pictures of being pregnant with me. Pictures of me in the hospital as a baby, nail clippings, hair clippings, even, which is - admittedly - a little creepy, but hey, she keeps a baby book? She even tells me about my birth every birthday. Every birthday. Which gets weird, ‘cause I’m like 30 and tell her, just hold on, please, I really don’t want it, but she even does it over the phone…”

Loki snapped his fingers. “Sophia!”

She shook her head, saying, “Sorry. Sorry.”

“Maybe Osk got it wrong,” said Thor. “Since she was near death.” He absent-mindedly stroked his abdomen, a motion Loki hadn’t seen before from his brother. “If she could be wrong then perhaps I am as well.”

Loki sighed, rubbing his temples. “It just doesn’t seem like she would be wrong, Thor. The enchantment didn’t just form this connection, it made me...switch...souls, for lack of a better word. When you were sparring, with Sophia when she was...walking, I suppose.”

Thor closed his eyes. “So that’s what happened. It was disconcerting; I thought I was having another vision.”

“Yes. And while I was speaking with you, Sophia - Sophia swapped with me.”

Thor raised his eyebrows. “When?”

Sophia stirred. “I asked you about your second vision.”

Loki tapped his fingers against his leg as he wished he became impatient. “It’s signs like that which make me think that this is deeper than just...accidental communication.”

“How am I now able to see Sophia now?” asked Thor, frowning and moving closer to her. She stood straighter and raised her chin slightly.

“You’re asking me as though I’m an expert,” said Loki with an ironic laugh. “It seems like it was something Sophia did, to be honest, but I’m unsure.”

Sophia eyed Thor, whose height, similar to Loki’s, was comparatively significant. “I was feeling your emotions, seeing your vision...memory. I don’t understand it, but being around you is...strange.”

“I am very imposing,” Thor said, glancing up at Loki with a smile.

Loki snorted. “Depends on your definition of the word,” he said.

Sophia looked annoyed. “This is not a joke!” she said, going and sitting in a chair. The princes stiffened, and she got up quickly. “Sorry, I forgot about that etiquette. Good to know it’s the same between worlds.” She shook her head. “You are throwing around all these ideas, all these serious things, and I’ve been trying to just listen and absorb. But my body’s been taken over, I’ve been seeing things, and I’m here! On Asgard, meeting literal gods! For a few moments, I was even Loki himself - it’s hard to even comprehend.” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Everything I’m feeling is so strange, but in some ways it just feels so - right.”

To Loki’s surprise, Thor nodded. “Though I do not know how to describe it,” he said.

Sophia closed her eyes. “It’s like when you are writing with pen and ink, scratching against the surface of the paper. Or the hum and fluctuation of a bow just after you release the arrow. The tactile clack of machinery or the resonance in your chest when listening to an actual instrument played. Things that just...feel right.”

Thor nodded, looking at Loki. “Like the vibration of a sword,” he said.

Loki considered what they were saying, and knew he’d felt this a few times. “Holding a healing stone,” he said in response, aware that Sophia wouldn’t know what he was talking about.

Sophia suddenly sat up, looking to the side. “I have to go,” she said in a worried tone, then vanished.

Thor gave a start, and Loki looked at him in confusion. “What is it?”

“I don’t know.” Thor gave a tired sigh. “These past few days have been difficult, particularly with these visions, that’s probably what it is. I hope that by...sharing them...it will help, somehow.”

Loki pursed his lips, the sadness from before coming forward as he imagined Thor’s vision. “Thank you, brother. Perhaps we can make the best of things before then.”

Thor smiled sadly. “I hope so. Until we find out more, can we make sure this stays between us?”

“As long as you don’t threaten me over it, I think that can be arranged.”

Thor nodded. “Thank you, brother,” he said seriously. With that, he walked to the balcony and flew off with Mjolnir, leaving Loki alone in his room with nothing but his creeping thoughts.

----------------------

After attending a concert in the afternoon, Loki retired once more to his room. Normally he would feel peaceful and relaxed being out of sight from his family and the public, but it felt odd, after the intensity of that morning, to be by himself.

Eight years. Thor’s proclamation hung in the back of his mind. Could his future be changed? It seemed that if it couldn’t, Time would not have attempted to balance out this ‘great wrong’ Thor predicted. There would be no reason to have visions, to be claimed as ‘Children of Time.’

Eight years. Eight years until he no longer existed in the universe. Until there was no Loki. Eight years, then, to try and prevent what Thor had seen.

Thor could see the future. Despite knowing about it for a few days and its dour tidings, the confirmation was exhilarating. Loki was himself a little jealous. Seeing the past would likely be useful, but seeing the future was far more prestigious. Even the Seers seemed to have been renowned for that ability. Knowing the past could come through study and careful observation. Thor generally seemed to get the best of everything anyways, but Loki knew he shouldn’t begrudge his brother such a invaluable gift. Even though it would have lent Loki some measure of usefulness if he were to be an advisor at his brother’s side, as he expected.

Although he couldn’t expect that any more. He and Thor would have to discuss what to do prior to the coronation, if they could. Thor was becoming more busy in preparation, and so was becoming more difficult to pin down.

As the evening set in, Loki became restless, trying to keep his mind off his demise. He kept coming back to the idea of visiting Sophia again, even though he felt it was too soon. They’d all done so much that morning.

But what could it hurt? The worst she could do was say no, or be in a situation where it wasn’t appropriate. Briefly, Loki wondered if Sophia had told her parents. Given her first inclinations that she was insane, he thought that she probably wouldn’t risk a similar reaction.

This time remembering to ward himself, even casting a circle to silence his noise, Loki closed his eyes and remembered what it was like to be with Sophia. Barely a second passed when he appeared next to the ragged, flowered sofa. Sophia was sitting on it, reading.

Loki didn’t want to surprise her. “Sophia,” he said softly.

She looked up and smiled, then grew serious. “I thought maybe you’d take some time to process what you learned.”

“Process?” asked Loki, sitting cautiously on the sofa, “I don’t want to think about it further right now, honestly.”

Sophia studied him, then closed the book, setting it on the coffee table. “I can understand that. Sometimes it’s better to wait until you’re a little more ready to do so.”

“I don’t know as I’ll ever be ready,” Loki said, leaning back. “Aren’t you worried about your parents?”

“They’re not home right now, otherwise I would be.” She turned and put both her legs on the couch, adjusting until she was comfortable. “You’re really just looking for something to do, aren’t you. For a prince, it seems like you should be more busy.”

“I’m the second son,” said Loki nonchalantly, “so I have considerably fewer obligations. Plus I’ve made sure I’m not available to be given commitments in the first place.” Sophia grinned. Loki looked around at the room, aware of how cramped and dark it was. “Why do you live here?” he asked.

“I wondered when I’d have to talk about this,” said Sophia. “I live with my parents because I have no money.” She looked at his eyes, seeming to check for judgment.

“Why are you worried about my reaction?” he asked point-blank.

She hesitated. “I suppose you’re from a different society. I don’t know what your culture values, but mine values wealth, hard work, and independence. All of which I’m not doing at an age when many people are ‘supposed’ to be independent.” She did a strange thing with her fingers when she said the word ‘supposed.’

Loki imitated the motion. “What’s this?” he said, unable to keep back a smile.

She laughed. “It’s used to…” she stopped and thought. “I’m trying to put it into terms for someone who doesn’t use our punctuation. It’s used to separate a word and indicate it’s a name for something that doesn’t fit.”

“Like sarcasm, then.”

“In some ways.”

Loki imitated the motion again, which made her snort with laughter. “Asgardian society prizes valor, strength, and bravery,” he said. “In many ways, I also fall short of those virtues when measured up.”

Sophia cocked her head, thinking. “I think it depends on your definitions of those values. Strength doesn’t have to be physical.”

Loki gave a wry laugh. “True, and hard work doesn’t have to mean labor. But if societies are to judge, it’ll be at face value.” He looked around at the room, somehow disturbed that it was the same as his previous visit. “Do your parents not like windows?”

“Ha, they do, which is why they live upstairs,” Sophia said sarcastically. “No, I chose to live down here so that I didn’t have to spend time in my old bedroom. It works out better anyways since I get my own bathroom down here.”

Loki recalled his experience earlier. “Did your bedroom have scalloped decorations on the walls?”

Sophia’s eyes widened. “Yes. How did you know that? Did you see it in my mind?”

“From when I was connecting with you this morning, yes. I think we may have - we may have had similar experiences as children.”

At this, Sophia shrunk back. “I certainly hope not,” she said softly. “What was it that you experienced?”

Loki shifted, suddenly uncomfortable. He didn’t mean to touch on something so deep. He began to worry he might bring up something that might make Sophia distraught. But he wasn’t going to lie about this. “When I was a child, I felt as though I couldn’t...express my emotions without either angering my father or...well, my mother…” He didn’t want to say it. “My mother seemed not to listen to me. So I would try and deal with my feelings alone, staring at scratches on my tiles.”

Sophia pursed her lips, tears glimmering in her eyes. “Yes,” she said softly, then cleared her throat. “I felt very much the same way. My father would get angry, too, and my mother seemed not to care. It was so frustrating, but if I showed my emotions, I was suddenly…”

“Considered too emotional,” finished Loki.

Sophia nodded. “I was told I was overreacting. So I went to my room instead and tried to figure out how to deal with it. That’s why I didn’t want to spend time in my old room. If I look too closely at that wallpaper, there’s just...too much emotion. It’s overwhelming.”

Loki nodded. “I’ve covered mine with a carpet, but I can never forget they are there.” For a moment they shared a look of understanding.

Sophia stirred. “Want to see outside these boring walls?” she asked, a false cheerfulness behind her voice.

“You mean there’s a world outside of here?” Loki asked acerbically. “I thought this was the entirety of Midgard!”

“Stop it!” Sophia said, laughing.

She led him up a set of stairs, where she slipped her sock-clad feet into a pair of oversized boots before grabbing a coat. “It’s the middle of winter here,” she said, then pulled open the door. A wave of cold air blew in as they stepped out into the evening.

The sun was already past the horizon, tinging the clouds and the snow below with pink. The house was surrounded by forest on a hill, with the road leading to further houses that disappeared into the trees.

Not the most spectacular view, but after the past few days, it was a welcome one.

“Welcome to Midgard,” said Sophia, breathless at the cold. “Not as pretty as Asgard, but hey, it’s got its charm.”

Loki gave a smile. “It’s lovely.” He looked up at the stars instinctively before reminding himself he couldn’t figure out his position as he could on Vanaheim.

“Are you cold?” asked Sophia. “I was wondering if you’d feel it.”

“I feel it, but it’s not a problem for me,” said Loki. “You’re about to ice over, I think.”

Sophia nodded, jumping up and down briskly. “I should’ve put on a hat and gloves!” With that they ran back inside.

As Loki moved back to the couch, Sophia stopped by a side table and took a pill. “I needed to do that before I forgot,” she said, grabbing a blanket and wrapping it around herself before sitting down. “Now I’m good.”

“What was that for?” Loki asked curiously. “Sustenance? Pleasure?” Seeing her reaction, he stopped. “I suppose I shouldn’t have asked,” he said, a stab of worry going through him.

She pursed her lips. “It’s medicine.”

He should have guessed that. “I apologize, I’d forgotten that mortals need such things.”

“Yes, of course, it’s just a trivial thing,” she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes, then hesitated. “Although, since you’re connected to my soul - or brain, or mind - you should probably know.”

“Know what?” Loki felt Sophia’s shame conflicting with fear.

“I don’t know if you can feel it or not, but my mind’s not like the majority of humans’. There’s several things going on, but the primary issue is an illness called bipolar disorder. It’s part of the reason I was having such an emotional time when I met you. It’ll take my mind from very, very dark states of mind to blissful ones.”

“I’m trying to understand,” said Loki, frowning. “As you’ve probably surmised, we don’t deal with this issue. I wasn’t even aware there could be illnesses of the brain. If I recall correctly, when you were feeling ill, you believed your mind was playing tricks on you. What you’re describing, however, seems different.”

“Yes, it is different. As you probably know, emotions are chemically created in the brain.” Loki nodded. “This disorder affects your emotions, which influence your thoughts. So even though I don’t want to, my illness makes me feel deep sadness, which can bring up emotional pain. At times though, it can make me feel...ecstatic and I make irrational decisions.”

Loki squinted, crossing his arms. “Interesting. Then the medication cures it?”

Sophia smiled wryly. “I wish. No, it’s supposed to help regulate my emotions. It’s not working, so I think I’ll have to ask my doctor to find a different medication. Each person is different, so we just have to search for what works.” She met Loki’s gaze. “I hope it doesn’t affect you, I’d hate for anyone to feel this way.”

“I’ve just been feeling the emotions,” said Loki, “but they don’t last. I don’t think our connection has changed my perceptions in any way, so I don’t think I’m acting differently.”

“Good,” she said with a sigh.

“Thank you for telling me, though,” said Loki, “It’s important to examine everything possible related to this phenomena.”

“Well, it wasn’t simply for observational purposes,” Sophia said wryly. “I did, you know, want to make sure you were alright.”

Loki pretended to gasp dramatically, clasping his heart. “You...actually care...about me?”

Sophia gave him a playful whack on his arm. While it certainly broke protocol, Loki didn’t care. It was nice to have someone around. “Of course, silly,” Sophia said, laughing.

It felt good to see and feel her brief joys, particularly when he was causing them. She wasn’t afraid to laugh, at least, not in his company, a stark contrast to the seriousness held around his position. The only other person he could really joke with was his brother.

Loki excused himself for a moment, bringing his focus momentarily to Asgard. It had already gotten dark, and he hadn’t lit any lights or braziers in the room, which was ominously stark and still. He wanted to get back to Sophia as quickly as possible, so he forewent lighting anything to grab a pitcher of wine and goblets.

When he returned his focus to her, she was looking at him, amused. “What is that?”

“Asgardian wine,” said Loki simply. “I thought you might enjoy trying it.” He set the goblets on the table and began pouring the rich red-purple liquid out.

“I technically shouldn’t because of my meds,” said Sophia with a sigh.

Loki looked up at her, wide-eyed. “You’re joking.”

“Just because I’m not supposed to doesn’t mean I won’t,” she said, reaching over and taking a goblet. “One can’t just ignore the few pleasures of life we get, especially if they’re pleasures from another world.”

“That’s the spirit,” Loki said jovially, sitting back and savoring the first sip.

He felt a flicker of surprise from Sophia as she looked at her cup. “This tastes different than a typical red wine!” she said, pausing as she rolled the wine in her mouth. “I didn’t start drinking until after I got my master’s, so I’m in no way experienced, but this is...rich? And definitely more alcoholic.”

“It seems you have a low opinion of Midgardian wines.”

“I think it’s more of a lack of experience with any good wine,” Sophia replied. “Even when I was a diplomat, they didn’t serve the expensive wines except at the most prestigious parties. I only got to attend one of those.”

Loki looked at Sophia in surprise. This woman was living in a cellar with no funds; he could barely imagine her in such a prestigious position. “I must’ve heard you wrong, did you say you were a diplomat?”

Sophia nodded and took another sip. “For four years, yes.” She squinted at Loki. “Does Asgard have diplomats?”

“We don’t have formal diplomatic positions,” Loki said, trying to envision Sophia as an envoy. “If you were a diplomat, what are you doing here, with...nothing?”

“I don’t know how diplomacy works in Asgard, but here we serve in appointed positions as a job. I lost my job after - “ she hesitated. A wave of her fear and sorrow coursed through Loki as Sophia looked at her wine. “After some bad experiences in my assignment, I developed a different disorder. I struggled to continue working for another couple years, then I - I gave up and came home to try and get better. It’s not been working, clearly.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Loki. While he didn’t understand these illnesses and disorders, he could understand that the mind had a terrible, powerful sway over one’s experience. It certainly made his theory that she was their sibling more dubious. “A fall of status so significant must have been discouraging.”

Sophia looked at him in confusion. “No, no. Status doesn’t have anything to do with...anything. I don’t care about that. I don’t even really care about not working, or not having money.” She rolled the goblet in her hand, watching the wine shift inside. “I think what was most frustrating was not having the flexibility to keep my job while trying to manage my health. As a result, what was most discouraging was having to fight for myself while not having the strength.”

Loki looked down sadly. He knew too well what that was like, to fight, to lack the strength, to give up and give in to the demands of others. Remaining passive in an effort to preserve his sense of self. “I understand.”

“You do?” Sophia said bitterly. “You’re a prince of Asgard, the god of tricks and magic. With all of that at your disposal, how do you know what it’s like?”

“I fight for myself all the time,” said Loki, his anger rising. “I don’t know if you noticed I have a brother who chooses to do as he will and impose himself on others, and a father who demands what I cannot give. I learned long ago that if I was going to get what I wanted, I had to get it in other ways than asking for it from my family or even from others. I deceive and trick them because I otherwise don’t have respect or even love.” He caught himself before spilling anything further. Careful, Loki, don’t say too much. Information runs the court.

Sophia looked him up and down, undoubtedly feeling his response. “I - I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.”

Loki shook his head. “Don’t apologize, there’s nothing to apologize for. It makes you seem weak.” Immediately he chastised himself. You’re sounding like Father.

Finished, Sophia put the goblet down on the coffee table. “I’m still learning there’s a distinct difference from the stories I’ve heard and the person that you are. The same goes for your brother...and the rest of your family. I suppose I should have realized that earlier.”

As the evening waned onwards, discussed further the subject of the Odinsons’ findings regarding prophecies, Seers, and other topics of relevance. Sophia showed a keen curiosity and put ideas together quickly as he filled in the gaps of her knowledge.

Before long, their conversation was interrupted by the slam of the door and footsteps. Sophia shooed Loki off back to Asgard, where he slept more soundly than he expected that night.

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