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chocominnie · 3 years

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Desperado — 09 (M) | JJK

Pairing: Badboy!Jungkook X Reader

Summary : A messy situationship at it’s finest. You don’t even know whats headed your way, just even engaging in the slightest within him. See, he has an assignment to complete. A mission granted by his father thats do or die. You just so happen to be a major pawn in that assignment. He didn’t mean to take an interest in you. Surely it was an accident right? Only except. you hold much value in this game that he’ll do anything to complete it. Oblivious is what you are. Poor thing. Poor.. Poor thing.

Genre: Mature/ Mafia!Jungkook

Trailer: xxxxx preview 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08

Word Count : 7.3k

Warnings : This honestly isn’t for the light hearted and the weak…High angst, usage of drugs, drug mentions, mental illness, switch!jungkook, Brat reader, possible stockholm syndrom, kidnapping, assault, death of side characters, murder, weapons, usage of weapons, masturbation, physical violence, blood, alcohol, weed, unprotected and protected sex, spanking, honestly its a lot of aruging…

Copyright: please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken

TW : Suicide, Body Hanging for display.

Her hair moves so flawlessly and the her breasts spill over the mini triangle bra with each sensual move she makes. The way her waist and body whines against the pole could leave absolutely anyone in a trance.The rhythm of the music blasts in the air and she’s directly on beat to it, not missing anything through the song playing.

The led lights are dimmed low enough in a red color, but enough for everyone to see. Shes uncaring at the men in the room sizing her up in her designer high waisted thong that hugs her hips very well, showing off her round, plump ass. That was what she wanted, the attention all on her while they throw hundred dollar bills for her.

“ Who knew someone could get down and dirty like that.”

To no suprise, Jimin, the ladies man but heartbreaker for sure, enters the private room and closing the door beind him. He throws a stack of money towards her, as he was the seemingly late one to the meet-up.

“ Jungkook is late, he’s never late. What’s taking him so long?” A grumpy Namjoon says, looking down at his apple-watch. It’s half past 10 pm and usually he’s the first one here.

“ He’s probably sucking up to yn-”

The girl turns her head sharply towards the boys, overhearing what they said. She furrows her eyebrows at them, “ Why would he be doing that..”

Taehyung lets out a small groan. “ Because Mr. Lover boy has gotten himself a crush. The worst part is, she’s his target for this mission.”

“ Shut the fuck up. I don’t have a crush on her, i’m just doing my job.” A semi-loud voice roars through the doors. Everyone stops to look at the sudden intruder and to relief it’s him, Jungkook.

Of course he has to lie about that. He knew for sure he caught himself up with you and the feelings were strong. Though the big bad mafia boy catching feelings for his target is highly uncommon, and Jungkook doesn’t know the consequences.

“ Jungkook..” The girl says, frowning at him with her hand on her hips. He takes a seat on the couch and tilts his head at her to go on. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head at the young boy. “ You fell for her.. so what about us?”

It isn’t hard to say that he doesn’t have any more feelings left for the girl. She and him both knew what they agreed upon. The pair had history together, sexual to be exact. Romance was hardly there if he were to be honest. She’d began actually working for Won-Shik, under this club they’re in now which is owned by him, a year ago. Jungkook had entered the club once when he was considered a minor, but that was to pass a message along to the girl from his father. He was told to go straight in and straight out. Of course, he did the exact opposite. Sat around looking at all the half naked women that night as the music blared loud.

It wasn’t until his phone rang and it was Casper telling him to hurry up and come back to the car, is when he finally decided to get up and look for the girl. When he did find her, it was over with for him. The girl was, and still is, stunning. One of the many foreign girls in the club but she’s the one that stood out of all. She wore nothing but a small outfit as she danced on the pole. Her beauty mesmorized Jungkook that night as he watched her dance in awe. Soon enough she came to him showing her her dimply smile and perfect teeth.

He was stunned alright. She knew he looked to be too young for the club so she asked him his age. He told her, and thats when she nearly called security on him until he told her who he was and affiliated with. The message was passed along accordingly to her, she got the memo. Jungkook though, kept coming back to that club and always going to where she was, following her around the club like a lost puppy. She enjoyed his time, as all she did was sit and talk with him and that turned out to not be enough for him. He wanted her, and she insisted that he was too young for her.

So Jungkook did what any other person would do when feeling rejected, he started to present himself like a true man and mafia boy. The gym was his favorite place after that and he buffed up very well. That jawline of his got sharper and his personality gained more confidence and dominant by the time he turned nineteen. He of course kept going at her, shooting his shot anytime he could and yet kept getting denied. It wasn’t until his nineteenth birthday is when he begged her telling her how bad he wanted her, and that lap dance he kept suggesting months before. Since it was his birthday and he was legal, she gave him what he wanted but that still wasn’t enough for him. He wanted her underneath him bad. The slight age gap between them didn’t phase Jungkook at all. What he wants, is what he gets.

And he did.

And kept getting it, and getting it, and getting it since then.

“ Relax baby, I’ll still be coming around you know that.” His voice is smooth, smirking at her. He wasn’t going to be coming around as much, but he knew that would disappoint her.

She purses her lips and begins walking towards him and sits directly on his lap, straddling him. Jungkook can’t push her off the way he wants to because it would confirm the crush rumors from the boys about you. So he lets her sit there, uncomfortable as hell for him.

Namjoon clears his throat to get the rest of the group attention. It’s nearly 11 pm and Crystal has been blowing up his phone ever since he stepped foot in the club. He told her beforehand about the meeting, but she wanted him at her apartment by at least 1 am.

“ We all know you love yn, but remember who you are Jungkook.” Namjoon says, glaring at the boy who returns the glare back at him. “ Fuck you. Like I said, im just doing my job.”

“ If you were doing your job Jungkook, there’s no way in the hell that it should take you this long. “ Jin retaliates. He knows hes right.

By this time, Jimin had finished preparing seven perfectly rolled blunts filled with the most finest imported weed. He places them onto the tray, taking his own and then passing the tray to Yoongi. Each of the boys take their own until it reaches down to Jungkook who takes his and puts the tray back onto the table.

“ Enough about her. I was summoned to go over the details for the next seven days. “ Jungkook groans, sparking his blunt and inhaling. He passes it Melanie, who takes it to inhale as well.

A malicious smile comes upon Yoongi’s face as he exhales the smoke into the already fogged up air. One thing he loves to talk about is torture. One of bangtan’s best walking torture device to be known.

“ Tonight we are starting.. I say you let me go first.” Yoongi pauses, taking a long inhale of his blunt. “ I’m coming for their trade transaction place. Arson, let me burn the bitch down and then fuck around with their father.”

It’s a good idea. Sending a message after burning it down straight to it’s opponent. Fire is Yoongi’s thing, and that’s his signature marking in the Bangtan Boys. The father of the shooter was one of their dealers, until the shooter’s father fucked up by taking money out of bangtan’s cut little by little. The boys knew about it, they waited for the perfect time back then to take action. Of course, giving them a mission to complete.. or so he thought. The mission was a false one. Created by Jungkook to catch him off guard. Jungkook used some of the mafia men on Won-Shik’s side to set up a trade off of drugs, decieving the shooter’s father by thinking they were just setting up a regular mafia trade from another gang. The trade was complete, but their protection was no more. Needless to say, the men didn’t even make it back to their cars. It was a bloodshed war between Jungkook’s assigned men and their men. The point was to send a memo that the Bangtan Boys were coming for them, and coming hard.

Everynight for two weeks unimaginable signs were sent to their family. Ranging all the way from several gunshot bullets going through their home, to severed heads of previous betrayers of the bangtan boys, sitting right on their porch. By now, all the other gangs in Korea knew not to have any business with them.

“ Day 2 I want it. I’m going for the mother. That scamming bitch and her precious flower shop? I’m shooting it up. Whoever lives, lives. Whoever dies, dies.” Jimin shrugs, smirking as he leans back in his spot.

“ Day 3, for me I’m sending another message. One of their men is gonna die in my god damn hands. I’ll be sure to take a selfie and send it to the father. The body will lay hanging on that pretty little oak tree in their yard.” Taehyung says. The boys are roar with shock that he’s said that. Normally he doesn’t like touching a dead body, so it’s a change for him.

The boys continue listing off the days and assigned tasks for the rest of the night into the wee early morning. Namjoon left after his, of course going straight to his girls apartment. They don’t judge him, seeing as though the boy really is in love and knows when and how to handle it. He definately doesn’t mix business and his love life together, unlike his other hyung. Soon enough the banter and socializing ends and it’s time for Yoongi first.

Night 1

It doesn’t take long for Yoongi to find the place. The empty steets of Seoul have soon faded into just dirt roads with the city left behind. The humming of his porsche echos through the night time air. Yoongi takes one final turn, making sure to pull into the place slowly like a true hunter keeping it’s eye on its prey. It’s not a full house tonight, even better.

Taking the jug of gasoline out his car, he carries it with ease up to the empty warehouse. The wildlife outside don’t make a noise. As if they know who’s approaching and just shut right up. Forty degrees fahrenheit outside and lastnight’s snowfall piled all around.The darkness outside is haunting, anything could pop out at any second to kill the man. That doesn’t scare him at all. Darkness is always what he crave. Inside and out.

“ Sir.. do you want us to go in with you?”

Yoongi stops dead in his tracks. He’d almost forgotten about the back-up men Jungkook ordered for him. It’s not like he needed them anyways, but since Jungkook can’t be there with Yoongi, that was the next best choice.

Rolling his eyes without turning around,“ No. Wait in your cars. I’ll handle it on my own.”

Just like that. The boys are off like lightening. Yoongi takes one final step towards the two double doors, and begins to pour the gasoline at it’s starting point. Usually, he’d go from the inside out, but seeing as though he wanted them to scurry out fearing for their lives, this is the next option as well. Soon enough, the enire jug is empty and he’s now poured all of it around the outside of the warehouse. Leaves crunch with every step he makes back to the starting point. Part of him hopes they can’t hear him from the outside. It’ll ruin the plans.

The lighter in his pocket feels so smoothe against his palms as he reaches for it. It’s one of his signature ones with his initials on it. An andrenaline rush runs through his veins as flicks the ignition with his thumb. The flame all bright and orange as he stands there infront of the building. It’s going to be a damn good night.

Without hesitating, Yoongi runs his fingers through his hair and throws the lighter right onto the gasoline puddles. The way the whole ring of fire lights up infront of his eyes makes him laugh hysterically while watching the whole building go into flames. The loud crackling sounds of the now decomposing warehouse jumps him back into reality.

He heads right towards the big tree next to the right of the warehouse, leaning on it with one foot up against it with his hands crossed. That sinister smile doesn’t leave his face. He enjoys the view of the men from the inside running out as fast as they can. Some falling in the ring of fire in the process. The fire is no match for any human as they try to stop drop and roll. Ha, as if that would work with a 15 foot fire consuming the warehouse. The dead bodies pile up on their own, just burning in the fire over their simple mistakes of falling and thinking they would survive the fire.

Until the golden egg comes out. He’s furious as runs out perfectly, as if he’s been through this, without managing to catch on fire. Yoongi chuckles, leaning off the tree. “ Kang Dong-Woo.”

Usually Yoongi would use the honorfics to people who were much older than him. In this case though, he doesn’t deserve honorifics.

“ Min Yoongi.” He says, harshness laced within his voice. Dongwoo frowns when nearing the man. He knows what Yoongi is capable of, and that’s what sets his fight for flight into action.

“ Let’s get straight to it. Your daughter is after our leader. She seems to be doing the dirty work for you yeah? Did you not train her enough? Of course you know she wont be able to live after this right?”

Dongwoo laughs right into Yoongi’s face as if he was joking. It angers Yoongi, so he grabs Dongwoo by the shirt and drags the man over to the fire where he kicks the back of his legs to where he’s kneeling inches away from it.

“ I don’t think this is a laughing matter, Dongwoo.” He growls, tightening his grip around Dongwoo’s arms that are behind his back. “ You want to die?”

“ She’s gonna fuck you all over.” He growls.” You may think she’s not capable of finishing off you guys one by one, but she is. I raised and trained her since a kid. She’s stronger with more energy than me. She’ll kill you all when you least expect it.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes at him.” The dumb bitch can’t even shoot right. Going for someone else knowing Jungkook would save them is an ameteur move. Should’ve went straight for his damn head.”

“ I’ll make sure she’ll bring you guys hell Min Yoongi. All of you. Tell that shit to Jungkook and his daddy for me alright?” He mocks, laughing again at the boy to taunt him.

Yoongi doesn’t care for it. He’s had enough of this foolish talk. With one swift move he kicks the man’s back making him fall down to the left side, away from the fire. He’s lost it. He’s totally lost it at this point and there is no going back. Kick after kick after kick, he doesn’t stop. No. Not until the Dongwoo is sure to cough up blood. The crimson liquid poors from his mouth as he lays there. No remorse is felt.

Besides, the bastard bitch needed to get the message. Consider it message recieved.

Night 2

The flower shop is full, but not full to its entirety. There's tons of different bouquets and arrangements set around the pretty shop, from what he can see from the outside. It’s almost closing time, an hour left. Jimin’s fingertips grip on the steering wheel, anxious but patient to make his move. He’s running off of pure adrenaline and 2 cans of monster that are crushed and sitting in the passenger seat. Waiting isn’t his forte and he’d honestly like to get this show on the road now.

The moon is out and shining bright tonight. A sigh escapes his lips when he glances again at the shop. The only reason he’s not done it yet is due to the fact that there is a child and his mother inside. Rule number 2 of Bangtan, injure no child. The price to pay if you were to break the rule? Simply it would cost you your own damn life.

As if time would of went any slower for the boy, the child and his mother finally made their transaction and made it out of the store, heading across the street to continue their journey of shopping. It’s go time.

He knew to come prepared with his bulletproof vest and full face ski mask, long Sleeve black shirt to cover all the markings he has and also the two tattoos on each of his arms. He knew that the little lady wouldn’t be so dumb to not carry, or at-least have someone inside that would be her undercover security. Considering who her husband is, there’s no way she won’t be protected.

Oh how innocent the people look to not know what’s coming next. Jimin loads his Glock 19 with golden bullets that have Bangtan Boys initials and symbols on it just before pulling his mask down and getting out the car. He makes sure to signal his back-up men to create a distraction so he could make his entrance. Sure enough, a loud boom in the near distance of what sounds like some type of construction falling, echos loudly. It turns heads from all around to look where the sound came from, making it easy for Jimin to slide into the flower-shop.

Not a sound made by him. He draws his gun and pulls the safety off the trigger, then cocks it. Eyes are all on him as his eyes shift around the room looking for his target. There she is, eyes wide in the middle of a transaction for two middle aged couple. His eyes set into hers, lowly smiling and pointing it at her. The way everyone frantically screams and cries out doesn’t phase Jimin, no. It just encourages him even more as he starts firing shots mid air, shooting any and every person in sight for the hell of it. Bodies drop to the ground, and the bloodbath begins.

Jimin doesn’t hesitate to step over everybody, eyes still set on his target. The middle aged couple’s shrieks were cut short by their bodies dropping to the ground with three shots each to their hearts.

“ Park J-” He cuts her crying off with a finger to his lips, daring her to say his name in public. She gets the memo. “ I wouldn’t if I were you.”

The barrel is pressed against her temple as she trembles with fear. He cocks his head to the side, smiling at her when he taps the gun against her head harshly, repeatedly. “ You know why I’m here.”

“ You kill me and she will murder you all.”

Jimin chuckles, “ That’s what you guys think. We don’t have time for your gimmicks. It was you guys who stole money from us. Why did you think you’d still be protected from the law from us? Getting your daughter to go for the leader first is dumb, like the rest of you.”

“ We almost went to prison for you guys, remember that? We needed that cut money from you guys to pay off our legal fees. Thats why we stole. We completed your dirty work while trying to pay off the fees, its the least you guys could of did as a reward.”

“ That’s not how it would’ve worked. You fucked up. All of you.”

With two shots to the leg, she falls into Jimins arms. He rolls his eyes and throws his body off of him and onto the floor. It’s going to be a headache trying to explain to the dry cleaners why there is blood stains on his designer ripped jeans.

Night 3

It was too easy, way too easy. It took nothing to lure that man right into Taehyung’s trap. Nothing but a simple few slick comments made to him for him to get a riled up at the wrong person. Taehyung had spotted the man prior heading into the park with a small duffle bag. He assumed it was for a night trade off for some other person who had delivered drugs for him. Nontheless, it was merely too easy to pose as the alleged person who completed the mission.

A rookie. That guy must’ve been a rookie.

When the money was handed off to Taehyung, he tossed it to the side and struck the man down. The two did fight on the concrete floor for a bit but the man was no match for Taehyung’s quick moves. Taehyung’s pocket knife dances around the man’s throat as his body is pinned to the ground.

“ Rookie mistake not verifying if I’m the real one.” He chuckles, pressing the blade against the mans neck. The man pleads for his life but it’s no use. Message must be sent, that it’s no way you’ll fuck around with Bangtan and escape.

“ You know, I would’ve trained you more than Dongwoo. Letting the weakest link go run an errand? Ha. Your boss set you up for that one.”

Although the man is merely innocent, it doesn’t stop Taehyung from slicing into the man’s neck. A blood curdling scream comes out, but soon hushed over as his will of breathing and screaming is cut. It’s music to Tae’s ears.

The body is transfered per request of Taehyung to his back-up men. It’s not like him to touch a bloody dead body. So they take him into the back of their car and follow Taehyung to the residential house of the shooter. Nothing more than 10 minutes away.

The lights are cut off in the neighborhood. Not a sound made other than the two cars coming down the street. Everyone seems to be at peace and quiet in their homes. Sleeping to say the least. Upon arrival, Taehyung parks his car right infront of the house. The back-up men drag the bloody body out the car and onto their lawn, placing it right under the oak tree.

Taehyung takes the rope be brought along with him, and begins to tie multiple knots around a sturdy branch from the tree. When done, he wraps some of the rope around the dead boy’s neck, tying it into a slipknot and hoists him up high into the air.

The body dangles from the tree like a flag waving in the sky proud and high. He signals for the boys that the assignment is done and that they’re free to leave. Taehyung though, he just sits back in admiration of his work. It’s been a while sinice he felt this way. So he stands there soaking it all in.

Message recieved.

Since it’s been three entire days of hell, Jungkook knew his day will be approaching faster than ever. If only it could get here faster though. Truth is, Won-Shik isn’t too happy about Jungkook’s plan still not being complete. At this point, the father is going against him any chance he gets to just get this over with.

Luckily, tonight he’d be able to meet with his father again with some good news. It hasn’t been brought to his attention yet about your father being in Taiwan. With the technology of Won-Shik’s men, your father could be brought here within 12 hours tops.

“ Father.” Jungkook says, entering his office doors. The boy fixes his leather jacket upon entering and places his hands back into his pockets. “ I have news.”

Won-Shik is one to not play around with. Interupting his office time is a big, big deal. One is to not enter without it being urgency. That rule still applies to the heir of the company. “ It better be damn good because your plan isn’t getting anywhere Jeon Jungkook.”

Won-Shik takes his glasses off and sets them to the side on his desk. Its full of papers and photos of himself and Jungkook when he was a child. His favorite one right in the middle, where Jungkook had just ate some cherry flavored ice cream and his lips were all red as he smiled for the camera showing his two front teeth. It reminded him of when Jungkook was easier to manage rather as to now where he’s a damn menace.

“ Taiwan. Her father is in Taiwan. I don’t think it’s Taipei though.. he’s hiding so a city wouldn’t be ideal. I say search the mountains first, then the city.”

Bringing this proposal to the table meant that Jungkook wanted to atleast gain his father’s trust back. Hell, he wanted all this to be over with by now because you were driving him crazy to the point where he’s beginning to actually forget who the hell he was and why he was assigned this mission. The plan was not to fall, but to complete. He’d be lying if he wasn’t knee deep in love with you right now. It all comes down to him protecting you from his father at this point.

“ So your little plan is suddenly working huh.. still doesn’t mean she gets to run free Jungkook.” He says, smirking at the boy to challange him. Jungkook knew that. Once it’s proven that your father is the snitch, all of the family dies.

You’re innocent. Too innocent to know that or to be even tangled in that mafia mess of his. Part of him wishes he never met you and never had been assigned this mission. Then everything would be so damn different and emotions wouldn’t be caught up in this. From the moment he met you, he knew it would be hard. You have always held a special part in his heart. Only because you acted just like his mother. Sweet, but sassy and it hurt him a lot on how you remind him of her. You even word your words just like her, even when upset. Everything about you, is just like her.

It was hard to not get attached to wanting to get to know you more. Somehow he thought that if he got to know you, he’d somehow fill that hole inside him of his mother’s disappearance. As if you were going to be his new replica as you would be the one to put a band-aid on that hole to patch it up.

Here you are, not knowing you could die any moment and it will all be thanks to Jeon Jungkook, who couldn’t save you fast enough.

“ I know. But she’s innocent. She doesn’t even know her dad worked with us. I swear she doesn’t.” Jungkook bites his lip in hopes that there could be someway to save you by the hands of your father.

“ I dont care!” He roars, jumping out his seat. Jungkook flinches, backing up a bit from the sudden outburst. “ You know not to mix business and pleasure. You reap what you sew. You get to pay the consequences.”

Jungkook knew that though.

“ Father-”

“ Nothing more. I’ll have my team start the search right now. You on the other hand, get you god-damn shit together Jungkook. You’re the heir, not a damn lover-boy. Got it?”

It is no use of arguing with him. Jungkook looks down at the ground and nods his head yes just before Won-Shik dismisses him. It’s going to hurt. Seeing you dead. He hopes for a miracle can happen, that your father will not be the snitch. That you and him could live happily ever after. There will no be any happily ever after about this situation though. One will die. Just a matter of who it will be.

The vibrating sensation in his pocket snaps him out of his trance. An incoming call from Namjoon. It’s alarming since today is Namjoon’s day of hell, and only one thing could be happening right now if he’s calling for Jungkook.

There’s been a mistake.

“ What is it Namjoon.”

“ She fucking outsmarted me. The bitch caught on to where my location would be for the next kill. I don’t know where the fuck she is Jungkook.. this is bad.”

Jungkook sighs heavily, closing his eyes while letting out strings of curses come from his mouth. Shit couldn’t get possibly worse than this right now. Namjoon said he’d wanted to go straight for the killer and bust her up a bit. Give her some words and a branding on her. He had wanted to do it with a knife, carving the initals of Bangtan Boys into her upper hip. Namjoon had zero problem tracking her next location down, as he had been keeping an eye on her all day. To him, it seemed as if she would be heading to an orchestra shop in the city. Every step she took, Namjoon took it too.

Until she rounded the corner to go inside the shop and she wasn’t there. There wasn’t any outlet. The shop was on a dead end street surrounded by other shops that they both had passed. There was no way she didn’t go back, he would of saw it. He saw her go into the store, so she had to be there right?

Wrong. You see she knew all this time that Namjoon was followering her while in disguise. The orchestra shop where she led him to, she knew the owner. They were good friends. She had spoken to him asking if that she could use his upstairs office to read over some of the newest edition of music pieces for her to practice. He obliged, and she made up there in time before Namjoon came inside.

Up there, she’d be lying if she wasn’t scared to death. All this week the boys had definately given her hell. Each day with zero remorse. It was taking a toll on her for sure. Taking up this assignment by herself wasn’t something easy but she wanted to prove to him that she can be just like him. That she wanted to work with him too to take down Bangtan for decieving them and leaving them in the dust.

She can’t do it. The boys are to expierenced for her. It’s a bad mistake that she cannot come back from. You see, she thought it would be easy to befriend you and become close to you after you’d laid eyes upon Jungkook your first day here. She knew you’d soon fall for him, like any other girl did, and that would be her easy acess to him from you. It was all planned beforehand. To be quiet and observe you and your moves with him. In her mind, Jungkook needed to die first. The boys can’t function all that well without him, so that would be the weak spot to take advantage of if he would’ve died when she knew he’d take the bullet for you. She coudn’t shoot him first, it’d be too straightforward and blunt.

It was going all well. Deep in the inside she was jealous of you as well. Sungmin had been her crush for years, they even almost dated. Until you came along and he left her in the dust for you. Sungmin is everything she wanted in a boy, but you took that away from her. Her chances to date him ruined by you. It hurt everyday to see him head over heels in love with you, when that was just her at one point before you came along. Not only that, but she seen the way you play with Sungmin’s emotions. It made her upset that you do that. Sungmin’s love is a drug, whether it be friendship love or romantic, nobody can get enough of it.

All this stressed her out to her max. Her family being hurt because of her, her mom unable to walk for the next few weeks is all because of her. Only cause she cannot complete this task she brought onto herself. As if being in danger because of Won-Shik and Bangtan wasn’t enough beforehand, she just made things worse all in all. There is no way out of this for her and her family. So it’s time to just accept it and say goodbye to it all and start a new life.

“ I’ll find her. You wait at the base and I’ll report back to you guys after I find her. When I do, you will come and finish your damn task Namjoon. Do you hear me?” Jungkook’s beyond pissed at this point. If it wasn’t for him, the boys would be lost as fuck without him.

He shoots Casper a text, letting him know that he is to follow him closely as he searches for her. To his luck, Casper was already outside his apartment building in his car. Not long after he pops those contacts in and changes his outfit again, he’s cruising the streets of Seoul in his midnight purple lamborghini.

The pain in his shoulder throbs with each turn he has to make with the wheel of his car. A little pain medicine would of helped beforehand, but rushing to get this shit over with was more important. This bitch definately has it coming. It’s been taking Jungkook these past few days to not just up and kill her. No that would just be too easy. Torture and marinating her to lose her shit at the last minute is something so satisfying to him.

The streets of Seoul soon end behind him and the Mappo Bridge comes into view. It had been an a whole hour searching around the areas of where she could’ve been, including where she was last seen. No sights of her at all. She’s good at this for sure. Text messages are sent back and forth between the boys and Jungkook. They’re all on edge, tired, and frustrated at this chasing game that they’re all playing.

He’d almost missed it. The body walking alongside the side-walk of the bridge with their head hanging low and hoodie on. It’s the hoodie of his school, but most importantly it has their class graduation year on it. It has to be her. Jungkook flashes his hazard lights on, letting Casper know to pull over with him.

It’s now or never.

After sending the text to Namjoon, he’s out the car and jogging towards the suspect. Height, body type, and shoes match the alleged identity. It seems she’s too into something to notice the extra footsteps behind her. He can’t do anything to her though, it’s not his night.

“ Kang Minlee.”

She stops dead in her tracks as if a ghost had called her name. Frozen, she stands there contemplating on running or staying. If she runs, she’s dead. If she stays, shes dead.

“ You think..” He pauses, grabbing her arm and turning her around to face him. Her face is red from crying and her glasses all fogged up from underneath her mask. For a split second, Jungkook does feel regret.

Killing a classmate of his wasn’t something he’d ideally let happen. But it’s far too late to not have her killed off. “ You think that running away is the best option?”

Minlee trembles underneath his grip, “ I made a mistake. Please just let me go. Let me and my family go and we’ll leave you alone forever.” She breaks down into tears, placing her hand over his in attempt to let her go.

It didn’t hurt Jungkook to see her like this. All in all it just feels weird to him. Weird to have one of his classmates begging for her life to be spared from the gruesome events to come.

“ You know I can’t do that.” It honestly can’t be an option at this point. It’d be better to just continue out her days of hell with her family. “ You came for me, that means you die.”

Finally she jerks her arm back from his still in tears as she starts to back away slowly. Jungkook knew that she wouldn’t run. Not in this case. Letting her cry it out was the best way, hell it’s the only way because Namjoon would be here any minute to brand her. It would mean she belonged to Bangtan after that, and she’d have to keep quiet as they planned out her death.

Her sudden movement from the ground to climbing up the railing of the bridge alarms Jungkook. She cries louder when Jungkook comes closer to getting her down so he stops. Suicide? Right now? What happened to being all big and bold? It confuses Jungkook as to why she would take her own life right now. Either way she’d still end up dead and unhappy if Bangtan would kill her or she’d kill herself.

“ Jungkook!” She semi-yells, pointing to the direction behind him as another guy approaches them. Just in time, the sound of Namjoon’s car can be heard from afar. He’s getting close.

The guy she’s pointed to is Casper, who’s also alarmed at the fact that she’s close to the edge right now. Jungkook holds his hand up at Casper for him to stop right there and shakes his head, meaning that it’s too risky for Casper to step in right now. Casper nods and Jungkooks turns back to the scene.

“ Don’t you think that I’ve suffered enough? Everyday you guys give me hell. My mom can’t walk because of you guys, and my dad has health issues. You left us in the dust when we needed your support the most! I was almost put up for adoption a year ago because of you!” She sobs, wiping her never ending tears with her hoodie sleeves.

Jungkook doesn’t know what to say, or do. It’s not like him to have sympathy over a rival. It’s just not in him at this very moment.

Minlee continues on, “ Yn? She took what’s mine. My Sungmin. She plays with his heart and it hurts him a lot. I wouldn’t have did that. But no, he’s head over heels in love with him. I got left in the dust when she came along and it looks like everyone loves her, including you Jungkook. My friendgroup does anything and everything she wants because she’s just oh so little miss perfect. That was supposed to be me!”

There it is. The jealousy. Jungkook would have never known it. It’s all news and shock to him. Sungmin and Minlee? Didn’t seem like a match to begin with.

Her dramatic meltdown continues on, but Jungkook allows it. Namjoon will be here any minute to sneakily get her down. Where is he and why the hell is he taking so long?

As if on cue, Namjoon pulls up to the scene and immediately gets out his car running towards the girl. Jungkook waves his hands for him to stop, eyes wide with a finger to his lips. The last thing he wanted was for the girl to jump. A death from their school? Surely was to be put on him and his boys.

Namjoon stops infront of Jungkook’s car, confused as to what’s going on. Jungkook mouthes to him the words suicide attempt. That’s when Namjoon gets it and decides to let him handle getting her down.

“ Yeah it was meant to be you. But I plan to take Yn away anyways. Then you and Sungmin could come together again.” Jungkook’s convincing isn’t convincing enough, she doesn’t buy it at all.

“ If I get down I’m going to die. There is no escaping that within the next few days i’d be dead in your hands. I made a mistake and there is no going back. Spare my parents. Let them live. I’m the one that started this. I’ll be the one to finish it.”

The girl lifts one foot off the railing and leans backwards. Jungkook’s breath hitches along with Namjoons. No. It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

“ Kang Minlee!” They both scream, running towards her. It’s too late though. Her body falls gracefully down as all three of them watch over the railing. She looks peaceful, a smile on her face while her body is sprawled out in the air.

Inches before she hits the water, the three of the boys look away with only the sound of dense water splashing to fill their ears. Namjoon sighs, putting his hands against his head. Jungkook stands there in complete shock. Casper, well Casper just shakes his head knowing the two boys weren’t prepared for that.

“ We fucked up Jungkook.”

“ I fucking know that Namjoon.” His voice cracks. It isn’t like Jungkook to cry. No not at all. Especially for a target like that. At the end of the day she was human and she did what any daughter would do for her family.

She was also your friend.

You hadn’t heard about her death yet the next day. It’s a normal saturday morning for you. This time you’d decided to go to the cafe with your laptop and write your essay for your Psychology class. The cafe is nice, it’s cat themed and has some pretty kittens running around the outside of the kitchen and customer service area.

As soon as you order and sit down with your Caramel frappe you spot a white kitten laying near you on the floor. A smile comes upon your face when it comes to you when you call for it. They don’t have these in Canada. Cat Cafes. The kitten lets out his purrs when you rub his back as he lays across your lap. The nametag says Mochi, a cute name for a cute kitten.

Minutes seem to pass by without your knowledge. You’d been too into typing to hear the news on the tv being broadcasted live. It wasn’t until you heard suicide of a teenage student on Mappo Bridge. That got your attention.

You listen carefully as the news reporter goes into detail of how the body was found. It had gotten caught on a rock as the stream moved it around. A mother had found it with her kid as they walked across the bridge that early morning to look at beautiful water. It saddens you to know someone took their life. Maybe if that person had access to getting help, they’d live to see many more days.

When they announce the name and show a school picture of the student, the look on your face drops.

Minlee. It’s Minlee on the screen. Its all too much for you right now. Your stomach twists and turns along with your hands that begin fidgeting. She seemed so healthy and happy these past few days when you saw her. It didn’t add up. It wasn’t going to ever add up to you that you had just lost one of your new friends.

Packing your things up in a hurry, your phone begins to go off with a bunch of text messages at a time. You know it could be the groupchat. What you wanted to the most right now, is to go home to cry and calm down. You shove everything in your backpack and place the kitten back on the floor nicely before taking off towards the door. You bump into somebody on the way out, causing them to drop a picture in their hand. The two of you both reach to pick it up, but they pick it up first before you.

“ I’m sorr-”

You’ve seen her before. Long curled hair, big dimple on her left cheek, and bangs.

There’s no fucking way.

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logsfm · 3 years

Text

hey my loves ! i’m mia , 21 from the east coast ! i have not roleplayed in sheeeesh ... like five or six months ? but i am so excited to be here for opening with all of y’all . i spent like all morning trying to weed out this gal logan right here ... she’s a trip , that’s the best overall description i have for ya . anywho , lets get to the actual thing you’re here for her lil intro . also if you wanna mssg on discord here ya go 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐯𝐬 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#7040 .

logan samara-de jaager was spotted in the fashion district adorning air force 1’s university blue , with some airpod pros on . they’re most likely listening to benz i know by kelvyn colt . you may know them as @delogan or as that bella hadid lookalike . their twenty fourth birthday just passed . while living in the upper east side , they’ve gained a bit of a reputation . they’re known to be querulous but on the other hand passionate . wonder if they’ll be the next person to hit the headlines . ( cisfemale / she/her + mia / twenty one / she/her ) + ( “ logan de jaager seen shoving ex in hotel footage during heated argument , not so sweet huh? ” / “ miss de jaager was spotted sneaking into ex beau’s apartment , what could she be up to? ” / “ sweet socialite or greedy trust fund baby ? milan de jaager publicly accuses daughter logan of stealing $1M … ” )

born into the true lap of luxury . the daughter of real estate magnate & high - profile attorney milan de jaager and his wife , british born socialite lana samara . the two of them held high favor within the 1% but were also able to find a perfect balance . they did a great job of separating personal life from the tabloids . it was rare to really know the happenings of their day to day . they had this particular kind of mystery to them , if you will .

it wasn’t long before lana began to instill the very same rhetoric she received as a child into her own . quality over quantity , was the motto . just not in the way you’d assume . the quality at which a de jaager presented themselves to you was much more important than than quantity of time you spent with them . looks ? they’re everything , in the de jaager household . time was simply a societal construct implemented to catch you on a bad day , for that very line of thinking they embodied being late . rushing out of the house to finish your make up in the car ? a literal sin in the eyes of her mother .

she was encouraged to take part in ballet and beauty pageants growing up . anything that could showcase how beautiful their daughter was lana and milan were on board for . personally logan hated ballet but she couldn’t deny she loved the applause the night of a showcase . she also couldn’t stand pageants but loved having all eyes on her as she went on stage .

it became quite clear as the years went on that her parents were much more like close friends to their daughter than like rule - instilling guardians . she would text them to dismiss her from school , get them to buy her & her friends alcohol for sleepovers / parties , was very much so that kid who got high with her parents . really anything you could do with your friends ? was fair game with logan & her folks .

at sixteen a friend of her moms who was going to be a designer for spring fashion week that year asked if logan would want to walk for him . she was quick to accept the offer and before she knew it she had multiple offers to walk in that years fall fashion weeks , because of how easy it came to her - though , she’s the first to admit she never really took modeling all that seriously .

it was just a year later that her way of life changed drastically , logan and her twin brother had been caught by paparazzi on a friends boat in the hamptons snorting a white substance , anyone with eyes knew exactly what the group of teenagers were doing . upon returning home the two received the crackdown of the century . their once friendly parents turned to strict jail like guardians . often reminded that they put the families reputation at stake . the pressure to be perfect was something logan had never had to deal with until now & she almost cracked under the pressure at every turn .

it wasn’t until she left for college that she was finally given some room to breathe , attending the university of florida was the best choice for what logan truly wanted to do with her life - become a sports analyst . growing up she was infatuated with sports & and would have been involved in much more than just cheerleading had her mom allowed for her to get so much as a speck of dirt on her . during her time in florida the paparazzi seemed to find her more often than not , something her parents often denounced both over the phone & in public . the longer she spent away from the upper east side the more she became america’s sweetheart & simultaneously a thorn in her parents side . she graduated from university in 2018 , only returning back to new york for the sake of work . she’d been offered a reporting job with espn , on top of taking up modeling gigs here & there when ever she felt necessary .

personality …

one thing is very true about the de jaager’s & is very much so the same for logan ; she is not to be trusted . she can be extremely charming when she wants to be . she could sell a bag of rocks to a beach & get a princess to sell her sole to sex work . she knows exactly what people want to hear & when they want to hear it and has no qualms about lying straight to someone’s face if it means she gets something out of it . in fact sometimes , she might lie to your face just for the sheer fun of being able to call you gullible .

she’s very much so a spoiled brat although she hates when anyone call her one , she feels like she has more layers to her than that broad term . hand in hand with that is her drama queen like tendencies , any situation were there is a simple solution she will find a way to blow vastly out of portion .

due to her mother’s heavy influence growing up , she can be rather vein & materialistic . catch her like “ i can’t date a garbage person ” to someone simply because they’re not as rich or known enough for her liking .

it’s rare that you’ll ever see her jump out of character . she’s very calculated & aware of who she is ( or who she needs to seem like ) so if you ever see her emotions getting the better of her , you’ve really broken her .

she’s the type to dabble in a little bit of anything ? she’s a rich nyc party girl who’s been partying well before anyone should have allowed her to so she’s done it all . you’d be kidding yourself to think you could surprise / scare logan on a wild night out .

she’s quick & creative with her sense of humor . she has both a crude / dry sense of humor , as well , and really just doesn’t find goofy things to be funny but more or less embarrassing ( so if she ever tells you you’re goofy , remember it’s not a compliment ) .

her upbringing & parents sentiment on tabloids once reflected massively on logan , but now she couldn’t quite care less about it all . after all she spends hours in front of cameras on a regular basis for work . although she does tend to shy away from people who she deems are hungry for fame or attention . she’s been used in the past for fame & will never let it happen again , plus she’s the type to lap up attention so she likes to have as little fame whores around her as possible , more shine for her .

when she isn’t being a total nightmare though she’s actually really fun to be around ? she’s playful & loves to keep the party alive . often can be found claiming “ i’m high on life ” although everyone saw the pictures , logan , we know what you’re really high on , girl .

very chatty girl , too . victim of foot - in - mouth syndrome , big time . she doesn’t try to be disloyal & spill people’s secrets ( or does she ? ) but she can’t help herself . if she has piping hot tea she’s gonna spill it because she doesn’t wanna burn herself .

very observant girl , who loves to people watch but her observations can sometimes get muddled when she starts judging people a little too hardcore .

she’s also a undercover couch potato & by that i mean if you give her an option to go out & do something she’ll never outwardly choose to stay home to watch netflix and snuggle up under the blankets but secretly she’s hoping & praying she gets a chance to do so .

plots ...

END THIS ( L.O.V.E ) / her first love . these two brought the absolute worst out of one another . they messed her up so much that she has a weird perspective on what love between two s/o’s should even feel like now . maybe they had another s/o at the same time as her & kinda just strung her on & when it came out were able to lie so much to her that she believed them . idk , in truth we could really plot something completely different as to what they did & inevitably what the breaking point was . maybe they broke up with her & had they not ended it maybe she would’ve still been okay with being in the relationship . idk i just feel like this one could be fun as hell . also they’d be the one whom she was caught arguing with in one of her headlines . ( 0 / 1 )

AFTER PARTY / this is a more reckless take of party buddies . im envisioning a group of people who when the parties over they all pull up to close by gulf course , indulge even more in their choices of substance , there is a naked gulf tournament going on , there are drunks driving golf carts , swerving and pouring bacardi all over the course . running from security when they pop up . it’s tradition at this point & if someone doesn’t come it’s almost disrespectful at this point . idk i just love the thought of this kinda vibe . ( 2 / ? )

SECRETS / okay so this one is messy . basically logan was very private for most of her life ( thanks mom & dad ) and during the early stages of highschool she lied to everyone saying she was a virgin . she told each one of these individuals that they were her first whether it be to make them fall for her “ innocence ” , want to chase after her , or whatever else we might be able to plot out . inevitably they compare notes at some point and find out that she’d been lying to them all . we can plot out how they confronted her i feel like we could make this real dramatic though . this would also be a backstory plot so , we can also plot out how things have transpired since for them . ( 0 / 3 or 4 )

BEST FRIEND / these two girls take best friends to the next level . they relate to one another on every level and are there for one another at all times . there is never a moment where they are competing with one another because they know that their #1 in there respective category . they are one another’s ultimate hype beasts . they truly embody chaotic goddess vibes . it’s like they were placed on this earth simply to be friends because they compliment one another that well . ( 0 / 1 )

LETS FALL IN LOVE FOR THE NIGHT / they are the one that’s there whenever she’s down . they have the ability to make her feel like they have some sort of old love whenever she’s around them . those feelings only last for the night though . they enjoy when she rambles on about sports or the novel she just recently read or really just anything she enjoys can put a smile on their face . they know better than to ever confuse what is going on between them though , they know that she’ll never be theirs . whether they’re okay with this or not we can definitely plot out . ( 0 / 1 )

MOANA / they are not a fan of logan . they see her for what she is : an attention seeking , spoiled brat and the fact that they don’t want anything to do with her makes her want them all the more . when they finally slept with her it was only to prove a point to her s/o at the time , to prove that she’s not the sweet girlfriend she claimed to be . basically they’re the person who outed her for being a ho ho ho but despite knowing that they outed her for that she still tries to hook up with them because they were the best she ever had . they often turn her down but after a while not even they can deny that they’re attracted to her . they still don’t fuck with her though . also i think it’d be cool if their were two of them & maybe they worked together to out her to her s/o that didn’t believe she was a cheater ( 0 / 2 ) also bring the s/o that they outed her to ( 0 / 1 )

ELEVEN / the type of relationship that is stuck in the grey area . they’re more than friends but they don’t necessarily admit to having feelings for one another . honestly they probably don’t even think they have feelings for one another . it’s a weird dynamic . they spend the most of their time together late at night . there meeting time ? 11pm . they go on wild joy rides to the beach . heads out of the sun roof as they let out a loud woo . the only thing accompanying them is a big bag of weed . sometimes they have deep talks , honestly they probably know more about one another than anyone else ? because of these adventurous of theirs . when they aren’t having deep talks they’re running across the beach aimlessly & rolling around in the sand with one another . it’s really just a very pure plot that i need in my life . ( 0 / 1 )

TRUST NOBODY / this is someone who used logan for fame / attention . they either became close friends or even started dating & they used everything they learned about her or what went on between them to relay back to a tabloid / would call paparazzi to come and take pictures of them together whenever they’d go out . ( 0 / 1 )

some other plot ideas i’d love to see : x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x .

#wealthyhq:intro #hellurrrr *

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brashierc · 5 years

Text

Baby Brash

July 13th, his 20th birthday. That night was the reason why you were here today. If that night wouldn’t have happened you wouldn’t have peed on a stick this morning, it wouldn’t have been positive and you wouldn’t be sitting on the bed at your OBGYN’s clinic awaiting for her results.

You’ve been best friends with Connor since you both were 7. That was 13 years of friendship. 13 years of listening to him go on about photography, 13 years of supporting him and his dreams no one else really supported when he first got started in high school.

It was also 13 years of being asked how long you two had been in a relationship.

Girls and boys can be best friends without falling in love. Or well, that’s what you always said to everyone when they asked. You’d been in love with Connor since you were 17, but you knew he’d never feel the same, so you kept that feeling pushed way back into your brain.

Connor was there for you through every boyfriend, just like you were for his girlfriends. The heartbreak and the first time discussions after the fact.

“Alright,” The Doctor walks in after tapping on the wooden door with her knuckle twice. “So your positive was correct, you are pregnant.”

You sighed, shoulders sinking. “Really?”

“Yep, really really pregnant.” She smiles, handing you a few brochures. “Let’s go over your options.”

You look up with wide eyes, horror running through your veins and emotions.

“Let’s not, thanks Doc, but I’m already attached to this kid, and if you knew the Dad you would be too.”

She smiles, nodding but telling you to take the brochures just in case.

She refers you to one of her colleagues who’s an Obstetrician with her practice and can take you through your pregnancy and birth.

You take the information she gave you and leave with a small smile and a polite wave goodbye to her front office receptionist. Once you’re back in your car you let the new totally settle in.

You were having a baby, with Connor, at age 19 and 20. Super cool.

On Connor’s birthday everything went a little crazy. Shawn threw a rager, wanting to celebrate his newest addition to his team, and his friend who was turning the big 2 0. He flew you out to where they were so you could be there to celebrate and surprise Connor.

Everyone went a little crazy, everyone.

Brian was so blacked out that he took Alessia back to his room with him, forgot that he invited her in, and called Shawn from the bathroom freaking out that she’d followed him home. (Even though we were all in the same hotel)

Shawn was the only one that didn’t go hard. Knowing he had shows and other obligations like filming music videos and meeting up with Chance the Rapper. He supervised, and not well, but had a blast watching everyone be stupid and make fools of themselves.

Connor was a clingy needy drunk, so throughout the night he just became more and more glued to your side. He hadn’t seen you in months, and missed you so much. It all started when he wanted to dance to the slow songs with you, hands on your hips, holding you close. You fell into his embrace, missing being held in such a way, and feeling so safe with Connor. He planted a few kisses to your neck, and one just behind your ear learning very quickly that that was your weak spot.

After you let out a shaky moan of his name, tucking your fingers into his hair, you were a goner. You both quickly found your way back to his room, falling on the bed nakedly exploring the other between the sheets.

By morning? You both swore to never speak of it again, pretend like nothing happened, and move on. Everything was normal, it literally was like nothing happened. He still picked on you, you still gave him shit in front of the guys, but you both were still there for the other in ways no one else could be.

You clicked on his contact; ‘Bri’s lil bitch C David Brash”

Brian really changed Connor’s name in your phone to the best thing you’d ever seen, you wouldn’t dare change it.

“Whattup?” He answered on the third ring, and suddenly, you’re emotional.

“Hey,” You choke out, looking around trying to distract your brain.

“What’s wrong?” His side of the phone shuffles, and becomes marginally quieter.

“Nothing,” You whisper, “What are you doing?”

“I’m talking to you, tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing Con.”

“You’re upset though, I can hear it.”

“When do you come home again?”

“I come home next week, I have to meet my counselor and then register for classes. I get into town on Monday, and I leave Friday.”

You nod, knowing full well he can’t see you. “Can we meet on Monday?”

You need to tell him, and you won’t keep this a secret from him longer than you have too.

“Um yeah, I fly in at like 8, wanna meet for coffee and breakfast or something?”

“Yeah perfect.”

“Okay…..? Ready to tell me what’s wrong yet?” He asks.

You sigh, “I should let you go, you’re probably busy.”

“No, hey,” He protests. “I wanna talk, I miss you.”

You smile, insides running warm when you hear his voice say those words. “I miss you too Baby Brash.”

You can hear him sigh and you can practically see him rolling his eyes. “So you watched the newest video?”

“Of course I did, got your post notifications on.”

“No you don’t.”

“No you’re right, I don’t, I have Shawn’s on.”

At this he laughs, like a snort and everything and it makes you feel good, to be able to get him to laugh like that again, to hear that laugh.

“Brashier, we gotta go!” Brian yells at him in the background.

“You’re literally standing behind me, why you gotta yell?”

“Because I felt like pissing you off.” Brian snickers. “Who you on the phone with? Gots a girlyfriend?” Something must happen on Connor’s side of the phone because suddenly all you can hear is boys yelling.

“Connor that’s the fourth girl you’ve been on the phone with today!”

“There is no hot sex going on over here!”

“PASS THE WEED MAN!”

“Shut the fuck up!” Connor’s voice is back, “Jesus it’s just Y/n, could you…?”

“But we wanna say hi!” Shawn and Brian whine.

You giggle and blush a little at the attention.

Connor shuffles the phone, and then you can barely hear him, he’s really muffled but you make it out. “She’s upset about something, so could you fucking leave for a minute. I was getting her to talk and then you fuckers walked in.” A few seconds later and he’s back crystal clear. “Okay they left, you still there Honey?”

“You didn’t need to kick them out.”

“But I wanna talk to you.”

“They just wanted to say hi.”

“But you’re my best friend.” He whines, “They’d steal all your attention.”

“You need to go, I’ll see you next week okay?”

“Okay, love you kid.” He says softly.

“Love you too Brash.”

He walks in, looking all nerdy cute, face down into his phone.

iMessage from Bri’s lil bitch C David Brash: Im here where u is

“If you ever looked up from your phone you’d know I’m here too Bitch.” You say from your table, laughing when he jumps and looks over at you.

“You scared the shit out of me.” He laughs, smiling really wide when you stand and give him a big hug. “Fuck I missed you Kid.” He sighs into your neck, letting your scent relax his stressed out mind.

“Missed you too.”

He takes the seat across from you, thanking you for the coffee you already had ordered and sat in front of his seat on the table. He takes a sip as you take a deep breath and shut your eyes to give yourself that last push of encouragement.

“Connor?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m pregnant.” You blurt.

It’s then that you realize your eyes are still closed, opening them one at a time to see his reaction. It’s comical almost, the sight of him, jaw dropped, eyes bugging, body frozen.

You give it a moment, a second to really settle into his brain, you needed to do the same when you found out. Hell, you’re still doing that.

He clears his throat, shakes his head a bit, but his eyes continue to flare out at you.

“Excuse me?” He croaks.

“I’m pregnant,” You nod, watching him nod with you. “And it’s yours.”

He hums, and continues to stare at you. You take a sip of your decaf coffee, wincing at the weird taste.

“Fuck man, I don’t know if I can handle 9 months of decaf, that shit is gross as hell.”

This seems to snap Connor out of whatever daze he was in.

“You’re being real right now?” He looks around, “Is Brian here filming me? Is this a prank or something? You got me, you got my reaction, turn it off now.”

You sigh, worried he would think something like that. You just sit there, staring at him.

“You’re being real?!?” He says with persistence in his voice, leaning closer to you.

“That night we swore to never speak of again? Well, we’ll be talking for at least the next 18 years.” You shrug.

He’s still in shock, just staring at you with a glazed over glance. You just nod and smile a little at him, trying to coax him through his shock.

“I-” He gapes, “Um, we...I...condom!”

You giggle, shaking your head at him while rolling your eyes. “Really? That’s what you’re gonna do? Blurt ‘condom’ out like it’ll fix everything?”

“But I used one!” He’s becoming defensive. Snapping at you in ways he’s done in the past when he’s stressed to the brim and can’t control his emotions. You can count the amount of times snapped at you on one hand.

“They’re only 98% effective, if that, Connor. Or maybe it broke or something. It happened, and I’m pregnant.”

“No! We can’t, a baby?”

You take a deep breath, trying to tell yourself that he’s just in shock and that he’s gonna be happy about this, someday. He doesn’t mean the way he’s reacting right now.

“How are you calm right now?” He asks in shrill.

“I don’t know Connor, life happens. It’s not perfect but we’ll figure it out.” You shrug, raising your voice a little to match his level.

“Fucking shit,” He tugs at his hair, face grimancing as he groans.

You sigh, grabbing your purse, collecting your phone and coffee and stand to leave. His head whips up when you stand, and he watches as you straighten out your shorts before starting to walk away.

“No, don’t go.” He pleads.

“Talk to me when this settles Connor. I can’t be here to watch you freak out. My hormones are all sorts of fucked up right now and I’m trying to stay positive about this whole thing but your reaction isn’t helping.”

He gets up and follows you out of the coffee shop, racing to meet you at your car before you can leave.

“Wait, talk to me, please.” He blocks your door so you can’t close it.

You look up, tears in your eyes that tear his heart apart. “We really did turn into Ross and Rachel huh? Just like everyone said throughout high school. Except we won’t end up together, we’ll always be the Ross and Rachel before they got together.”

He shakes his head, “I’m your lobster.”

Connor sits on your couch three days later. This was the first chance he’d been able to actually come over, any other conversations have been over the phone or text message since your meeting at the coffee shop.

It’s kind of awkward, the both of you sitting in silence as you try to not bring up the elephant in the room.

“I’m sorry,” You clear your throat, wincing as you lean forward and start this conversation. “I’m sorry that I up and left you on Monday. That wasn’t cool. I dropped a big ass bomb on you, something we would have never expected in a million years, and then just got up and left you alone. My hormones are whacked out right now but that’s not an excuse. So I’m sorry for being a shitty friend and making you go through that shock alone.”

“Hey,” He shakes his head, turning towards you on the couch, scooting closer. “Don’t be sorry. I was kind of being a jackass. I shouldn’t have flipped out like that.”

You sigh, smiling up at him. “I missed you, a lot.”

His hand falls on top of yours, fingers intertwining. “I missed you so much, you have no idea.” He sighs, letting his eyes rake over you for a moment, imagining what you’ll look like with a baby bump. “How the hell am I supposed to leave for tour?”

“Just go, I’m not due until May. You’ll be back in December, that’s plenty of time.”

“You’re pregnant, I want to be here for appointments, picking out and setting up the crib, cravings, all of it!”

You smile, reaching over and caressing his cheek. “Then talk to Shawn, sit down with Cez, explain it to Brian because he’ll lose his shit if you leave him without a solid reason behind it. We’ll figure it out, and make do.” You shrug.

He nods, leaning into your hand a little. “You always make everything better.”

“That’s because I know you Connor David,” You tap his cheek twice, “I know how to handle you.”

He grins, rolling his eyes before flopping back into the corner of your couch he’s claimed as his. “Have you told your mom yet?” He asks, throwing your fluffy white and black throw blanket over his lap.

“No,” You sigh, kicking your feet up and relax across from him on your sectional. He smirks as you take a breath, reaching over and grabbing your feet to give you a foot massage. “What are you doing?”

“Gotta get used to pampering you, might as well get a head start.” He murmurs. “Are you scared to tell your mom?”

“I mean not really. It’s not the ideal situation I was hoping for when I thought about having kids. But like, I can’t complain. I’m honored to have your kid Con, I think I got lucky when it comes to the baby daddy part of this.”

He tilts his head, looking over at you with a blush on his cheeks.

“I guess you could say I got pretty lucky with the baby mama part.” He mutters, watching you from under his lashes, grinning when you roll your eyes and throw your head back to hide the apparent blush forming across your cheeks.

Your guest bedroom that once used to be your small library and office area has now been bombarded with camera gear, a full sized bed covered in basic grey sheets and a black comforter.

Connor spoke with Shawn and Cez the first chance he had when he got back to tour. He explained the situation, as awkward and unexpected it is, and expressed his need to be home more for you and his unborn child.

Both were very understanding to him and his needs, granting him a week off a month ensuring that he’d still be able to get enough footage but also time at home. It also gave Shawn and the crew a moment of peace and not having to worry about cameras so much, not that Connor is like the crazy paps.

But now that Connor will be home once a month it made sense that he move into your spare room instead of having to stay with his parents or pay for a place he really wouldn’t see all that often. It was the perfect set up, to be there and help you when you need it.

You two were still adjusting to living together, or with another human (of the different sex).

You walked into the apartment from class, stopping short when the first thing you saw in your kitchen was Connor, in only his black Calvins.

“Bro,” You shield your eyes setting your backpack on your bar stool, “Can you wear pants?”

Connor looks over at the sound of your voice, a slice of cheese between his fingers, munching on a bite. He looks down, and then back up to you holding a hand over your eyes.

“I’m in boxers, I’m not naked.”

“No one wants to see your dick though,” You shake your head, grinning as you say, “Been there, done that.”

He chuckles, leaning closer to you and peeling your hands away from your eyes so you can see his smug smile. “You weren’t complaining then.”

Your jaw drops and you blush as he raises an eyebrow at you. “Well,” You stutter, “I mean,” He smiles, getting the best reaction out of you. “Shut up, go put clothes on!” You smack his arm shooing him to his room.

You both were getting really good and creative with ways to hiding your pregnancy. The only people who knew were the team, and family. Not even friends from your high school knew.

The issue with hiding this was the fact that Connor was gaining a lot of attention from Shawn’s fans. You didn’t blame them, no matter what brought them to become a fan of his, it at least brought more attention to his work and was getting him that much more popular. This just meant that you had to take hiding your pregnancy to a whole new level.

For a while you were able to just wear some big sweatshirts to cover the smallest bump you had. When sweatshirts weren’t able to work so much you then resorted to really flowy shirts and a big purse you could always swing in front of your belly.

There was even one time that Connor and the whole crew were in town. They had invited you to lunch since no one had seen you since Connor told everyone. But at the end of lunch the manager came to tell the group that the paparazzi had followed Shawn and his own lunch date.

You were panicked while everyone just rolled their eyes and grumbled about how someone had probably called them so pictures of Shawn and his date could be taken. You looked to Connor and gulped as he laughed with Brian about a meme he was showing him.

“Y/n, you okay?” Shawn asked from across the table.

He was always so kind, and it boggled your mind how he could always see everyone, even when there were thousands in front of him, he could see everyone and notice every mood change.

Connor looked over after Shawn’s question and noticed your worried expression.

“Um, I’m,” You looked down at your shirt that very clearly showed off your small baby bump. “We haven’t told-”

“Oh shit,” Connor mumbled now noticing what you were referring too. “Fuck they’re gonna get pictures of us.” He looked to Shawn.

“I totally forgot,” Shawn rubs his forehead. “I’m so sorry you guys.”

“Do you have anything to like hide behind?” Brian asked.

“No, I didn’t bring a jacket because it’s so nice out.” You shake your head.

“Actually,” Connor cringes, looking at Josiah. “Do you still have your pocket reflector?”

Josiah nods, handing it to Connor.

“We’ll head out first, and then you guys go with Brian and maybe they’ll won’t pay you much attention. We’ll take a walk down the block or something.” Shawn stands, giving you an apologetic smile before walking out with his date.

You look to Connor and Brian as Connor is unfolding the reflector that creates a decent sized circle. You just laugh out loud when he offers it to you.

“What?” He asks.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” You laugh taking it from him. “It definitely doesn’t look like I’m hiding anything.” You’re sarcastic tone makes the boys chuckle.

“Here,” Brian hands Connor an old disposable camera. “Pretend like you’re taking my picture as we walk to the car so it looks like she’s actually using it.”

You just laugh harder and so do the boys at this elaborate plan to cover your pregnant belly.

At 5 months your little one is now starting to move. You’re really uncomfortable at the moment, in the stages of dealing with pregnancy and the symptoms.

Tonight is no different, if anything, it’s worse. Baby Brash (literally) has the hiccups and it’s causing your belly to move every 30 seconds or so. So sleeping at the moment isn’t a reality. Finding a comfortable spot to fall asleep isn’t a reality either.

iMessage from Papa 👶: Stop moving, I can hear your bed springs, lord help our child when you get laid.

You rolled your eyes at Connor’s message. He changed his name in your phone when he finally saw what you had him under. He even changed your name in his phone to ‘Mama 👶’ with the baby emoji.

iMessage to Papa👶 : Tell your child to stop moving so much then

You watched as he read the message, but frowned a little when he didn’t start responding. You jumped when your bedroom door creaked open, revealing Connor in a worn white t shirt and plaid pajama pants.

“Hey you,” He crawls into your bed, shuffling under your covers with you. “Hey Kid,” He smiles, leaning down to plant a small kiss to your belly. “Stop moving in there so Mama can go to sleep. She’s keeping me up because you’re keeping her up.”

You roll your eyes again, glaring at him. “Really?”

“You told me to tell the kid.” He shrugs.

His hands have found their way to your belly, rubbing soothing circles in hopes of calming his baby down and lulling you to sleep.

You sigh and let your eyes flutter close.

“What hurts tonight?” He whispers.

“My hips and back.”

“Roll to your side for me.”

You do as told, and moan a little when he starts massaging at your tender hips. Your lower back is so tired and your hips are sore.

He keeps rubbing and tracing designs on your skin until your breathing evens out. He rolls away a little to go back to his room before your rolling towards him, and resting your head on his chest.

“Don’t go.” You whine.

His whole life flashed before his eyes when he got the call. His whole life.

That’s the only words running through his mind.

His whole life.

“What did she say?” Brian as he drove to the airport.

“She said that she was being transported to the hospital and because she’s pregnant they wanted to take her in for more testing just to double check that everything was okay.”

“And what happened again?”

“She was driving home from work, her light went green and she proceeded through the intersection when some dipshit in a fucking truck ran the red and hit the back of her car, sounds like it’s totaled but luckily he just hit her trunk, so she wasn’t hurt to much.”

“She’s okay though right?” Brian asked again.

“As far as I know, but I’ll keep you updated. Just tell everyone else for me okay?”

“Of course man. Just go take care of her and that Baby.”

Connor takes a shaky breath as he looks out the window.

“Connor,” Brian said, surprising him by using his full name. “You need to breathe.”

“My whole life was in that car Brian, my whole life was sitting in the driver's seat of that car, and-”

“You need to breathe Connor.”

“I’m trying!” He snaps at Brian, “But I’m freaking out! My girl and our baby were in an accident today and I’m not there with them! So please forgive me if I’m a little scared and panicked.”

“I know you are, you just gotta stay calm. Positive thoughts lead to positive outcomes.”

“You really need to stop doing that weird fucking yoga thing with Shawn. It’s changing you man.” Connor jokes, trying to lighten his own mood.

By the time Connor’s landed you’re already home and resting. He bursts into the apartment like a bat out of hell, slamming the door and flipping the lock before throwing his bag to the ground and racing to your room.

“Jesus, be a little louder why don’t you.” You comment when he falls into your room.

“Are you okay? What did the doctor say? Is our Bean okay?” He throws himself onto your bed, hands instantly searching for your ever growing bump.

“We’re okay.” You whisper, threading your fingers through his hair to calm him down. “I told you we were fine and that you didn’t need to come home.”

“Right,” He scoffs. “Like I was just gonna stay miles away from you after you’ve been in an accident.”

“But we’re okay! You’re parents, my parents, our siblings, everyone was there with me. Really we’re okay.”

“Okay, okay.” He nods, laying down with his head beside your big belly, rubbing and tapping at it, smiling when he feels a few kicks. “My Bean is kicking?” He looks up at you.

“Yeah, has been for a week or so.”

“Why didn’t you say so?”

“Well,” You frown, looking away. “To be honest I planned on pretending that the first time Bean kicked when you were home next was the first time so you didn’t feel like you were missing out on anything.”

Connor smiles at you, shaking his head and leaning up to plant a kiss to your cheek. “Thank you for planning to lie to me.”

You giggle, before shifting to sit up more. You reach for the papers on your bedside table and hand them to Connor.

“What’s this?” He asks, looking down. His face falls, frown dropping his lips eyes looking up at you. “What is this? Why are you handing me this?”

“I think we need to talk about it.” You shrug.

“Not right now.”

“Connor this is serious, it’s not just us anymore. We’re having a kid, we need to have a Will drawn up.”

“I understand that, but I don’t wanna talk about it right now.”

“Connor, in the event that something happens to one of us, we need to know what the other wants.”

“Stop, stop, stop talkin’ like that!”

“Connor,”

“Please,” He tugs at his hair, “Please not right now. I understand we need to know, I get that and we’ll have it drawn up but I don’t want to talk about it right now. All my nightmares came true today.” He looks at you with sad eyes. “I haven’t told you this, but lately I’ve been having a few nightmares that something happens to you and our Bean, and I’m not there to help you or protect you.” He shakes his head, eyes squeezed shut. “And that happened to me today. You both were in an accident, and I wasn’t here.”

“Connor,” You say again.

“I get it!” He snaps. “But I don’t like the thought of losing you okay? I’m fucking in love with you, and I don’t really have you, but I thought I lost you when I got that call. So can we stop talking like this for the day? Please? Please can you give my heart a moment?”

You stare up at him with wide eyes, your heart rate picking up at his words.

“You’re what?” You whisper, caressing his cheek.

“Huh?”

“You’re in love with me?”

His eyes go wide in panic now that he’s realized what he’s said.

“Are you being serious?”

“Yeah?” He nods.

“Why haven’t you said anything!” You slap his arm.

“I don’t know, you never-”

“I’ve been in love with you since Junior year!” You keep slapping his arm.

“Stop hitting me!” He grabs your hands, interlocking your fingers.

“You never said anything!” “Neither did you!” He responds.

Things were different now, you still hadn’t really said officially what you two were now, but it was this weird in between stage of best friend and boyfriend.

He would kiss you sometimes, and always hold your hand, he’d even let a few pet names slip, but when asked by others he still referred to you as his best friend.

It confused you to no end, because now that something changed he’s moved into your room, claiming that he would just sneak in every night anyway, and now you had room for a nursery.

“Babe?” He called from the nursery, seated criss cross on the ground, staring up at the ceiling while waiting for your response. “BABE?”

“What?” You call back, walking down the hall to the laundry room.

“Can you bring me a water?”

“Really? You can’t get it yourself?”

“I’m building the crib!”

“I’m doing your laundry!” You yell back, leaning against the dryer, rolling your eyes at his request.

“Please?” He asks softly. When you don’t respond he resorts to baby talk he knows you can’t resist. “Pweety Pwease? I’ll give you kisses.”

You groan, waddling down the hall to the kitchen, grabbing him a cucumber mint flow from the fridge, and grabbing yourself a watermelon lime one. You make your way to the nursery, throwing him the water before taking a seat in the new rocking chair Shawn bought you guys.

“How you doing there Pretty Mama?” He smiles looking over at you.

“I’m tired, and big.” You whine, looking down at your very pregnant belly.

“I think you look really pretty.” He blushes, looking back at the crib.

“You owe me kisses.” You pout.

“Do I?” He looks at you, “What if I was crossing my fingers?”

You gasp, furrowing your brows and crossing your arms across your chest. “That’s so mean. You’re pregnant best friend just waddled her way to the kitchen and back to bring you your precious water and you won’t give her kisses like you promised?”

He’s up on his knees crawling towards you. “Girlfriend.” He hums setting his hands on your thighs so he can lean closer.

“What?”

“You mean my pregnant girlfriend.” He corrects you.

“Do I?” You asked softly, biting your lip as you stare into those blue eyes.

“I sure hope so.” He whispers.

“Is that what I am? Your girlfriend?”

He pulls back a little, brows furrowing in confusion. “What do you mean? I thought-”

“Yeah me too but then you told the guy at the baby shop that I was your best friend.”

He sighs, hanging his head. “It’s so natural, or I don’t know, programmed in my head to introduce you that way. But I thought we turned into something more when we confessed.”

“Me too, but when you did that it through me off.”

“Babe,” He smiles, rubbing his hands up your legs, “We live together, we sleep in the same bed, we kiss, we love, we laugh, we fight, we’re pregnant.” He let’s his right hand wander to your belly. “I consider you my girlfriend. I hope you consider me your boyfriend.”

“I do.”

“So then why are you pouting?”

“Because I really want kisses.”

“Oh my goodness.” He laughs, leaning forward to cover your lips with his own. He kisses you deeply, pecking your lips three more times before pulling away. “Better?”

“For now.”

“Okay.” He laughs, shaking his head before going back to building the crib.

“Boyfriend?” You yell from the bedroom when you hear the door open.

“It’s Boyfriend and his friends!” Connor yells back. “Girlfriend?”

“Yes?”

“Where are you?”

You quickly finish tying the bow to his gift before making your way to the living room where Shawn and Brian are seated on the couch.

“Hey!” Shawn jumps up, giving you a hug before looking down to your belly. “Can I touch your belly?”

You laugh a little, “Yeah go ahead, thank you for asking.”

“Of course, it would be a little rude to just go ahead.” He says touching your belly.

“Can you tell that to the rest of the world?”

“Hey Bean!” Shawn says to your belly. “Uncle Shawn got you the coolest thing ever!” He says before running to the couch to show you a small guitar case.

“Shawn you didn’t.”

“I couldn’t help myself, I was looking for a new one and saw this little thing.” He pops the case open. “I’ll teach Bean how to play and everything!”

“There you are!” Connor smiles when he enters holding three beers and your favorite flow flavor. He walks up to you, planting a wet smooch to your lips before handing the boys their drinks.

“I have something for you.” You grin, holding up the little gift wrapped box.

“Oh yeah?” He takes it from you.

He unties the bow, rips the paper, and opens the box to reveal a small blue Polaroid camera.

“This is so cute,” He says holding it in his hand.

Shawn gasps and Brian stands up in excitement.

“Where’d you get this honey?”

“It doesn’t matter,” You wave him off, bouncing on your toes in excitement. “What color is it?”

“Blue?” He asks, looking up at you, and then over to the excited boys next to him that are punching the other in the arm.

“And blue is for what?” You pull it out of him.

“Blue is for….” He stares at you, “Blue is for boy.” His eyes light up. “Blue is for boy?”

“Blue is for boy!” You squeal.

“Oh my god! Blue is for boy!” He wraps you up in his arms, kissing your neck. “It’s a boy, we’re having a boy!”

“ITS A BOY!” Shawn and Brian cheer.

You groan in pain as you feel another contraction hit. You’ve been in labor for three hours now and your little boy does not want to come see the world.

Connor tries not to wince or complain about his hand he’s sure you’ve severely bruised. He breathes with you through the pain, running a soothing hand over your head and taking your matted hair back away from your forehead.

“There you go Baby.” He whispers, “You’re doing so good.”

“I love you Connor David,” You smile at him, “But I want to fucking kick you in the balls right now.”

He winces at the thought and shakes his head. “I’m sorry Baby,” He looks away. “I wish I could take your pain away, I wish it were me.”

“Me too.” You relax when the contraction stops.

“Still holding your hand?” The nurse smiles when she walks in to check on you. “You’re better than most Dad’s, they usually wimp out by now from the pain.”

“He never lets go, no matter what.” You smile up at Connor.

“You’re my lobster Baby,” He leans down to kiss your lips.

written by: @shawnm521

614 notes · View notes

lightspren · 4 years

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roughly 24 hrs later and i’m still thinking bout garden plans y’all (gonna ramble about them a bit scroll by if gardens bore you)

I’m miffed that it’s gonna be so expensice to get the dirt to fill my one bed and the second one I intend to get. one bed is 24 cu ft. a bag of garden soil is $8 bag, which fills 2 cu ft. math math that means $96 for *fucking dirt*. I don’t wanna get shitty dirt and stunt my plants but also HOLY FUCK that’s so much for *literal dirt*. I’ve been hoping it’ll go on sale, but I need to check the local farm store and greenhouse prices to see if they’re cheaper than lowe’s.

our big plan for the back yard is fill it the fuck up with wildflowers. we’re going to get some landscape timbers and kind of outline the wildflower patches so that if the county tries to bitch at us, we can say “it’s garden beds! see how organized! get fucked!” (we just went thru an Ordeal w them wherein they said “fix your overgrown yard or pay a $500 fine plus whoever we hire to fix it for you,” which resulted in us having to rent a high weed mower for $80 that we didn’t really have to spend. granted, our yard WAS bad, but if we’d had time+ money to take care of it it wouldn’t have been so bad yanno??? fuckers)

anyway, I want to get an apple tree and a crepe myrtle for the back yard too. my rhododendron died from neglect so I’d like to get more of those, and hydrangea bushes. I am full on in pipe dream land with this shit tho, bc the apple tree provides food so it may actually happen, but the others? yeeeah. $$$$ we don’t have. sigh.

but my husbands grandma always sends me $100 on my birthday in April (she’s rich and adores us bc I do really well at the “sweet perfect young lady, would you just look at her, she’s so lovely and respectful” act when really Im a godless leftist heathen and she’d pass out if she knew the half of it 😬) so at least I can count on that for getting seedlings/seeds for the food plants. the rest tho I need to try to piecemeal over winter when hopefully things are cheaper

OH i almost forgot the daffodil bulbs that will be shipping in the next few weeks and crocus bulbs that I have ready and waiting. those get to go on a slope beside the house. we’re gonna rent a tiller for that and to fix the back yard so the wildflower seeds we got will take. I may should rent or buy a seed. disperser. thing. so I can get the seeds evenly spread. I wonder if a strainer from dollar tree would work? spread seeds like confectionary sugar? i need to compare how big the seeds are vs. the strainer I already have vs. price of an actual seed thingie.

fuck I love plants y’all. this post is incredibly directionless but if i didn’t ramble this Somewhere i was going to explode aldjdkfjf and probably not sleep again bc my brain won’t Stop Planning. maybe having it written down will prevent that. bc i got work tomorrow y’all and it was a three day weekend so it’s gonna be Hell.

ETA HOW COULD I FORGET MY BERRY PLANS!!! I’m going to see if i can install a like, terraced garden plot next to our fence (has to be terrised, we’re on a hill), that was my blueberries and eventual blackberries can use the chain link fence as a free trellis! may fuck around and get raspberries at some point too, fucking love me some raspberries

also need to get mom to teach me how to can shit. i helped her w it all the time growing up but now it terrifies me LOL, both on the “things may explode” front and the “would you like some BOTULISM with your jam???” issue. yikes. she’s been doing it her whole life tho and is incredibly meticulous about it so just. gotta learn it from her.

#kit being stupid #kit starts a garden #its good to have my rambling plans down for later reference tbh #sorry yall i would readmore if i could but im on mobile (which means my hands are screaming in protest at typing tbis much on the phone 😬)

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transrightsjimin · 4 years

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honestly class consciousness is one hell of a ride bc i didnt think abt it much until more recent years. i told my friend as a kid we were poor nd my mom got so pissed at that, nd i mean shes right that we rly werent as bad off as it could be, the family is just working class. but when you suddenly realize youre not on equal footing w middle class ppl, or ppl like my uncle who is one of the very rare few who started working class and not highly educated nd ended up becoming a millionaire in the US (im still coming for his wallet istg), its suddenly all... oh wait there are ppl whose reality is not this full of hurt and few opportunities.

like, being in a university in one of the most diverse cities in the country nd still having so few poc on it and most poc u meet are international students, and having heard some posh classmates talk abt studying "just like our parents" like it's the most evident thing in the world (while im the only person in the family that did college level, nvm university, and family was super proud, it's not a given to us that you do this!), hearing classmates claim that poverty and class are not really relevant for the netherlands anymore bc you now have the nouveau riche and art is less elitist now, so apparently class is less of a thing?? nd university is just such a wakeup call or a slap in the face bc my primary school was called ghetto, my high school was called ghetto, but then my art college prided itself on being very "diverse" while i had never seen this many white students in one place, and it's even worse for my university.

shit like my brother being in prison all the time when i was younger, my best friend when i was 4 having to move away bc her mom ODed on drugs, living next to a house that had 5 weed plantations in it over the years nd our greek neighbours even got pulled into that mess bc they needed money, living across a 'coffee house' tht stored rifles in it, someone across the street setting his house (and thus half the street bc dutch homes are often connected as one row) on fire, my dad working 50 hours a week as a parcel deliverer bc w less hours he doesnt earn enough, even if the fucking job means carrying 80 kilo boxes up stairs and other bullshit, his stress leading to two TIAs (strokes), my mom being super disabled by many physical impairments nd illness nd still not being granted help in the household bc she had a 'healthy daughter and boyfriend' nd also her being left w/o an income for 2 years, practically every high school friend's mom being disabled in some way, then at my mail delivery job where my coworkers complain abt another deliverer bc it took her 3 months to get back to work again nd they called her ‘lazy‘ for not working immediately despite having multiple illnesses and disabilities bc, and i quote, my colleague said “i’m in my sixties and have arthritis and i’m working too“ dude :// hes literally the person my other colleagues say has had it hard and needs a break, and then those coworkers too need a break nd have disabilities nd are nearing pension age and still doing this work while trying to do household work and all that stuff at the same time. my mom said my cousin’s job (in construction; scaffolder) pays “really good“ (i wonder if its really that much bc it’s apparently around €1700-2700 on average) but that he already gets bad physical complaints from it while hes young nd formerly rly fit and might need to quit soon and then figure something out like studying for something else if possible.

the neighbourhood i used to live in as a baby was ‘too criminal‘ according to my parents so then they moved out to the town next to it into a neighbourhood that was eventually labelled among the top ranked ‘criminal‘ neighbourhoods of the country nd now i live in rotterdam south which is basically seen in the same way bc again, more poverty, more families with migration backgrounds etc. it’s like, you can never escape this negative image unless the whole bunch is gentrified or smth stupid and the poor are pushed to live elsewhere again. and just the whole thing of being at home, being at school, being at work, it’s such a trip bc university is so fucking different to me nd u see all these people there who are quite confident in getting good jobs nd u have business students with rich parents who are already some stupid fucking greenwashing entrepreneur aiming to become a CEO, nd even though ppl at my study w all these artsy ppl, they are generally not upper class, most still seem to be so used to the safety of being middle class and make these huge statements about poverty not really being a thing here.

nd then the whole stress nd anxiety tht my parents passed onto me, partially bc of their trauma nd them being fed up w my ‘laziness’ (executive dysfunction nd burnout lol), partially bc they believe strongly in this workers’ ethic thats strongly in line with capitalism (even if my mom used to be part of a socialist party nd still adheres to many of those ideas) but also with this calvinistic and Rotterdam ( / Rijnmond area) ideology that you need to work hard for the entirety of your life in order to be a decent person, so not so much for an economic payoff or ‘success‘; you just have to work hard. my parents always told me ‘you can rest when you’re dead‘ every single time i mentioned or even implied i was a bit tired and it was frustrating to hear. this mentality is what lead to my dad practically getting two strokes, and to my mom overworking herself nd being taken away by an ambulance on my birthday party, it’s the whole fucking reason i do not like the prospect of work bc it is just so associated w something awful you need to get done and that you need to exhaust yourself on it until you hopefully get pension money, if the govt hopefully doesnt raise the pension age even further than 67. and then you see ppl in uni talk abt fun future “careers” like what the fuck are you talking about? how are you gonna get a job in the arts and culture field in this pandemic? im already happy if im able to find a job and dont have to quit due to disability or a chronic illness that runs in both sides of my family. im sorry im being so negative but im stressed about jobs and i think i went on a tangent today all bc i saw one post abt being scared of PE classes nd my mind went to bad places. this is ok to rb or reply to btw, as long as youre a mutual

#i rly dont mean to whine or anything but its just wild how normalized this shit is #i hate capitalism i rly hate it dude #rambles

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madamsixx · 4 years

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Beyond The Leather: Chapter 12: You’re Invited, But Your Friends Can’t Come

August 1985

It was My Bazzar Magazine Fashion New York Shoot today and I was very excited. I never thought I would get to this point. My Sports Illustrated Magazine shoot gave me more opportunities. I was getting more calls to do more magazines and more calls for movie auditions next year. I was making more money then I could imagine, and Tamara was over the moon with how I was presenting my self.

Speaking of Tamara, she had no clue about what happened with me when I went out with the Motley boys. And I wasn't planning on telling her.

"Hey girl you ready for your shoot?" Lisa asks walking into my change room.

"Just about." I smile.

"Don't smile." The glam team states as there doing my make up.

"Sorry."

I was finally done and I was ready to go. I looked amazing. I walked over to Lisa who was holding a camera. She wanted to take a picture with me. And I was happy to. We walked out of the room and into the hall. She looked like she wanted to say something but was a bit hesitant to.

"What's wrong Lisa?" I stopped her and asked.

"Its nothing it's just.... I haven't heard from Vince since the after party and.. I mean.... well... he told me he would call me." She shrugs.

I should have told Lisa this is how they behave. They sleep with girls and take off. You can't expect a real relationship to come from any one of them. Not even Tommy who is gaga over Heather.

"Look I'm going to take my pictures and then when Im done we'll talk more about this." I continued walking.

"Ok. It could probably be because Nikki got you high and drunk. Maybe that's why he's avoiding me." She crossed her arms.

I stopped in my tracks and looked at Lisa with wide eyes. What did she mean by Nikki got me high and drunk.

"Wait Nikki said I drank too much punch that had whiskey in it." I stated.

"You did buuuut when you were alittle tipsy he gave you brownies that had weed in it. And then got you high and took you to the bar and ordered you cranberry juice and jack. And that got you drunk." She giggled. "I thought he told you."

My breathing started to get heavy. I should have known that he would do that. And what makes it worse is that he was busy calling the hotel begging to speak me. And I let his call come through and spoke to him. He was talking casually to me like he didn't do a single thing. Every time I think he's a good guy something always comes up to tell me other wise. I even went as far as to thank him for taking care of me while I was drunk. Not knowing that he was the one that actually got me to that point.

"Mani....Mani." Lisa hit my shoulder.

"Sorry I'm good let's just go." I continued walking out to the set. I was to be taking a picture beside a white stallion in a barn area of some sort out side. I felt agitated and annoyed. I was suppose to be focusing on this shoot but instead I was focused on how much I was starting to hate Nikki. And hate is a strong word that we should not be using. But I'm using it, and it's being used on Nikki Sixx.

"Alright Miss Darlington grab the horse." The photographer shouted. I grabbed the horse with thoughts of Nikki in my head. Is there a reason why he didn't tell me that he was the one that got me drunk. Questions were running through my mind and I needed answers.

"Alright that's a wrap". The photographer shouted.

I headed towards my dressing room and just sat there looking at my self in the mirror.

Nikki Sixx equals trouble. ________

September 25, 1985

I have been waiting for this week to come by and it is finally here. New York fashion week. It was being held in Manhattan at the skylight Clarkson Square. I already booked 15 shows and was paid a lot of money for it. I walked down the aisle with my head held high owning it. Tamara actually cried, I was shocked. But she was so happy to see me up there.

My whole family showed up for the show. And also some friends. I called Slash and his family to see if they could come but unfortunately he wasn't able too. However he did have some good news for me. He found a band in July. He was trying to get a hold of me but I was so busy it was hard for us to talk. I think the bands name is Guns N Roses. He told me that they were playing in LA at clubs like the Whisky a Go Go, Trabadour, and The Roxy. After im finished in New York I'll head down to LA to check out there gig. I'm very happy for him.

Also Motley Crues Theater of pain album has been climbing to the top of the charts. So much for Vince saying that the album sucked. Speaking of Vince, I invited him to come and watch me walk my first runway. But not just for that, today was the last day of fashion week. But it's also my Birthday, and I'm having a party well actually a dinner. Vince agreed not to tell the other guys seeing as my family was here and I didnt want anything bad to happen. My mom really liked Vince. It turns out that Vince was quite the charmer. My sisters even liked him. Me and Vince agreed not to say anything about Vince being in the band Motley Crue.... for now. We settled on him being Lisa's date. And yes I got Vince to call Lisa, I felt really bad. But is it weird that I was starting to like Vince..... a lot.

As for Nikki he called and tried to talk to me but I confronted him and ended up hanging the phone on his lying behind. He's been calling non stop after that leaving crazy messges. Personally, I think he's psychotic. He should have just told the truth. But knowing him, its always lies that come out of his mouth. And I wasn't going to beleive a single thing he had to say.

We ate dinner and everyone got along well. I finally had somthing go right... for now. _______

October 18, 1985, Toronto Canada

12:00 pm

A couple days after my first runway and birthday I headed home for a bit of a much needed break. Especially because I was doing interview after interview and commercials. Me and my sisters just got back from shopping we bought alot of things, well I bought alot of things. Just to have some sister time felt so good. Since I became famous we haven't spent alot of time with each other so it was nice going out.

We started taking our clothes out of our shopping bags and trying them on.

"This dress is really nice I should wear it when we go out some time." I looked over at Selena she's the oldest but shes really short. She put on a short blue dress and it really looked nice on her.

"I think so too. I like this skirt and top." I say putting the clothing on the bed matching them together. "You guys care too much about what you wear it's annoying." Felicia my younger sister is a tom boy she likes wearing mostly T-shirts and sweat pants. Where as Selena and I like dressing up. Maya the youngest was 2 so we usually dressed her up.

"Iman phone!" My mom yelled.

"Who is it?" I asked

"Vince!"

I ran to go get the phone. "Vince hey what's up!"

"Hey Mani, guess what?"

"What?" I said,

"Motley Crue is in Toronto baby!"

He shouted with excitment. I thought he was joking but when I looked and saw the number on the phone. I realized it was a number at one of the hotels downtown.

"No way, oh my God we have to chill."

"Hell yeah we do girl. So uuuuh can you call up some of your friends and come down to the Maple Leaf Gradens show today?"

"Is that where you guys are playing?"

"Yeah you should come watch us. This show is gonna be fucking crazy!"

"Considering what happened last time when I went to go see you guys in New York and ended up a drunk mess in Nikki's room. I think it would be a great idea to pass on that. I can meet you before the show and we can go out. I know some really fun places."

"Oh yeah sorry about that."

"We'll talk more when I see you, what hotel are you staying at?"

"The Hilton. Meet me there for about 4."

"Sounds great."

"Listen I didnt-"

(Loud yelling)

"Hello, hello, Vince?" All I could hear was loud yelling and the phone being hit around.

"Hello.... Vince?"

"Mani?"

I can't even tell you how fast I dropped the phone. It was Nikki. And I had no intention of speaking to him. ________

3:15 pm

I called up some of my friends and we drove down to the Hilton. My crew was Mia, Ashley, and Anna. We met in elementary school and stayed friends. They have always been there for me. We had other friends but us four were the tightest. We were ride or dies. They were so excited to meet Vince. My friends are like me but a bit worse. I won't lie they're very judgemental divas and would never settle for less. Oh like me, so never mind. I told them about the rest of the Motley boys. But they weren't interested in them especially because of the way they looked. We finally made it to the hotel and I called Vince from downstairs.

"Hey there sugar!" Vince shouted.

"Hey Vince!" I shouted back. I ran and gave him a big hug. We both walked backed to my friends. They started giggling and smiling as if me and Vince were a couple.

"My friend Mia drove so were going to go in her car and go to this wings place." I smiled.

Vince put his arm around me and smiled with all teeth. "That sounds great sweetheart."

"Yeah that does sound great." We heard a voice behind us and we all turned around. It was Nikki and Tommy.

"Oh h..hey guys. Uh we were just heading out." Vince said in a nervous voice. Nikki was glaring at me. It was a look that I couldn't even read. But I knew he was angry. And so was Tommy.

"Hope we can join you. I mean we weren't invited." Tommy snorted and glared at us.

"Theres no room in my car. It only seats five people sorry." Mia stated and smirked at Tommy.

"Sweety we don't need your cheap car we have limos. Were rockstars." Nikki and Tommy pushed passed us and walked out.

This was going to be a very chaotic afternoon. ______

We arrived at Wings Palace and everyone ordered what they wanted. The boys were so loud and ordered alot of alcohol. They started getting very rowdy and people were staring at us. Some were disapproving of them while others were taking pictures of us. Young fans came over to ask for autographs and some girls would even go as far as to ask them to sign there breasts. And I mean lift up there shirts right there with no bra. Yuk.

"So why the fuck weren't we invited out hmm?" Tommy asked looking at me.

"Uh well..... I didn't know if you wanted to come." I scratched my head. Wow Iman great lie Tommy's down for anything.

"I smell a bullshitter." Nikki snorted looking at me.

"What ever Nikki." I rolled my eyes. Nikki sat right beside me in the booth he was on the right I was in the middle and Mia on my other side. Vince sat across, he was in the middle Anna on his right and Ashley on his left he had both arms around them. They were in heaven. Tommy sat in chair pulled up to the table.

"So Vince what's it's like being a Rock Star. I see the whole bad boys behaviour on TV but you honestly don't look the type." Ashley smiled.

"Pfft." Nikki snorted "Vince is just as bad as us."

"Probably, but he looks better that's for sure." Anna cooed.

"Why cause he's a blonde hair bitch." Tommy and Nikki laughed.

"Y'know jealousy dosen't look good on you two." Ashley sneered.

"Neither does your hair cut." Nikki laughed.

I turned and glared at Nikki. "knock it off." I hissed.

"Fuck off." He said flipping me off.

"Here are your wings boys." The server said as she brought our wings. She looked over at Nikki and smiled.

"Thank you bye now." I shooed her away.

"Jealous are we." Nikki smirked.

"I would never be jealous of a girl that wanted to talk to you." I snorted.

"You know Iman at one point I actually thought you were a cool chick, but seeing as you didn't even want me and Sixx around to meet your stiff friends I think your a fucking bitch." Tommy says waving his hands at me.

"Wow real classy I can see why she didn't invite you two losers." Mia said as she bit a wing.

"Fuck you stupid cunt!" Nikki shouted throwing wings at Mia.

"Nikki stop!" I shouted.

"Get these losers out of here. You think because your rockstars you can talk to people any how you want!" Mia shouted.

"Ok woah guys now calm down." Vince raised his hands up.

"This is why I didnt invite you two. Everytime I go out with you two something always happens. Your either drunk or high or both!" I yelled and pushed Nikki out of the booth.

Nikki got up and thrashed the table throwing all the food to the floor and spilling the drinks every where on everyone.

"Fuck you bitches! I heard you were hear and I wanted to say sorry for what I did last time!" He gestured to me. "But I change my mind, you deserved to look like a drunken whore at that party!" Nikki yelled in my face.

My eyes went wide. I didn't know whether I wanted to slap him across the face or kill him. Instead, I got out of the booth and ran out of the building. I had enough of this guy and I wasn't going to put up with him any longer.

"Iman wait!" Nikki shouted and ran after me.

I picked up my pace and ran faster with tears filling my eyes and running down my cheeks. I didnt want to see any one, I just wanted to get as far away from them as possible. I ran straight inside the downtown Library were I knew I wouldn't be found.

"Iman!" Nikki shouted, or I thought I wouldn't be found. I ran up the stairs and stood in the corner of the library. Taking my hands and rubbing my wet face.

"God Nikki just leave me alone!" I shouted.

"No!" He shouted back.

"Shh" we were both startled by the librarian who came over to us "This is a quiet library not a place for you guys to be yelling. You can do that outside." The librarian hissed. We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

"Please just leave me alone Nikki." I whispered.

"No." He argues. "Not until you hear me out." I rolled my eyes.

"Look princess I fucked up at the party when I got you drunk ok and I'm sorry. I didn't tell you because... because I knew if I did you would never speak to me again. And I didn't want that for us."

I sighed."Nikki I would rather you tell me the truth than lie in my face. It makes me wonder what else you actually lie about."

"Ok you want to talk truth. Well why did you invite Vince to your first runway and Birthday? You didn't even tell me, Tommy, or fucking Mick about it? What kind of bullshit is that?" Nikki raised his voice turning me to face him.

I should kill Vince for saying anything to them. I told him not to and now I have to answer for it.

"Well me and Vince became close we talk now and then. I tell him about things I'm doing and he tells me about the things he's doing." I say looking at my feet. I looked back up and Nikki and he just had a sad expression on his face.

"And you can't do that with me? That's what your basically trying to say right?"

"No Nikki I cant! And I don't want to!" I said that with a harsh tone. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt my feelings back at Wings Palace and for every other place he had hurt me. But when I looked into his eyes he looks like he could cry right now. And I felt a bit guilty for what I said. Until his face changed into the angry Nikki I was used to seeing.

"Fine fuck you then!" He snapped and walked away.

I met back up with my friends and we hung around later then I expected. We stayed for the show which turned out to be great. I had to call my mom from the arena so she wouldn't freak out. But she wanted me home anyways. We said our goodbyes to Vince and Mick. Tommy and Nikki ignored me and my friends. So that was a great night. Not!

_____ 3.22 am

I was in my room sleeping when all of a sudden a car horn started going off outside and someone started screaming my name at the top of their lungs. It was probably a crazy fan. All the lights went on and everyone ran out of their rooms and headed to the front door. I looked out the door and..oh my God it was Nikki. He was smiling drunkenly at me with his Jack Daniel's bottle in his hand. He was still in his stage clothes and he looked like a mess. Tommy was with him grabbing him trying to get him back in the car. How the hell did they know where I lived.

"Oh there look T bone! Awww theres my princess! Look how fucking beautiful you are!" Nikki slurred.

I moved and hid behind the door so he wouldnt see me again. I can't believe this guy came here like this. I'm so embarrassed.

"No! Mani baby please I'm sorry. I just...I'm a mess!" He slurred and fell on the ground with his bottle spilling.

"Who is this man?" My mom yelled "call security right now and get these dirty drunks off my property now!" My demanded. "Get off my property or I'll call the cops!" She yelled in there direction.

"Look im really sorry I'll take him home please don't call the cops!" Tommy shouted back.

"Mani baby just wait for me please. I'll get my shit together I promise! Just dont break yours!" Nikki shouted as Tommy picked him up and through him in the back of the car.

"I'm really sorry!" Tommy shouted and waved. He got in his car and drove off.

My mom shut the door and looked at me with a straight face. "Start talking now!" She shouted at me.

"I don't... I don't know those guys." I said with a hesitant voice.

"Do not lie in my face. Cause if I find out that your involved with any guy. You are done with your career. Especially if he looks like that pile of junk outside! They look like a bunch of leather head rock stars! Well not for my daughter! You will get a good Catholic man!" My mom pointed in my face.

"I don't know him, it happens in LA a lot when I'm on the streets." I whispered. I was terrified of my mom. I felt like I was about to pee in my pants when she gave me that look. The sweat was drizzling down my face and in my Pitts. My breathing was heavy and I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Good for nothing rock star junkies is what they are." She walked away and my sisters looked at me then walked upstairs to there room. I hated lying to my mom, but this lie had to be told.

I walked up to my room and I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. I thought about the promise that I made to Nikki. A promise that unfortunately I would have to break. My mom would never accept Nikki. Even if I ended up falling in love with someone like him. She could never accept him for all his chains and leather.

#nikki sixx #vince neil #tommy lee #mick mars #motley crue #the dirt #model #chanel iman

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dramallamadingdang · 6 years

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Question Meme: The Run-on Sentence Edition

Hi! I hurt myself again yesterday. No, not in an "self-harm" kind of way but more in the usual (for me) "mountain-climbing incident" sort of way (I hate scree; I was so close to that summit) and got lots of deep bruises and lacerations for my troubles and was in a world of hurt by the time I saw a doctor, and I cracked something that isn't supposed to be cracked and it all hurts enough that I got prescribed narcotics again for a week and I really, really hate narcotics but I really, really like to be able to breathe without feeling like my lungs are being ripped to shreds, so...narcotics it is.

It might make the answers to this latest iteration of Ye Olde Question Meme rather entertaining, though. Maybe. Maybe just incoherent. Well, whatever, @nekosayuri tagged me, so it's her fault, and I'm bored and my sleep schedule's all outta whack and I haven't even turned on my Simming computer in like three days and am posting this from a non-Simming laptop, so I have nothing else to post and....yeah. So, I'm like high as a kite right now. I mean, it's not totally unusual because I live in Colorado and weed's legal here, but narcotics is a totally different and much less coherent high for me. So, like, fair warning.

I'm not tagging anyone, though. I've no idea who's done this lately...

Name: Katrina

Zodiac Sign: I don't know why I answer this because astrology is a huge crock of BS, but everyone always wants to know so...Taurus. Barely. (Birthday is April 23.)

Height: Still ~6'0"/~182cm. Yay, not shrinking yet!

Languages Spoken: Fluently? At this point, only English. I used to be pretty fluent in Italian and German, but, you know, the saying "use it or lose it" applies, and since I've not had occasion to use those languages much....Well, there we are. I could speak quite a bit of Russian at one time because I spent a chunk of years there, in the late 80s when it was the Soviet Union and shortly thereafter when things were sorta nuts there. But, again, I have lost much of what I once knew. And there are smatterings of other languages that I can speak mostly-useless bits of. I can ask where the restroom is in many languages because I've traveled a lot. :) I do speak fluent bullshit, though...

Nationality: 'Murican. And since 'Muricans are really, really into their "ancestry" for some bizarre-o reason because ‘Murican apparently isn’t good enough...Like, 95% dirty Welsh peasantry (plus some Irish and Scottish thrown in for flavor) on the paternal side and on the maternal side....Well, one of my great-grandfathers was a first cousin of the English Queen Victoria. So basically, my maternal ancestry is the very confused inbred multinational mutt that is European Aristocracy. God only knows what’s in their genes, though my particular bit of it has lots o’ German.

Favorite Fruit: Okra. It is a fruit. Look it up. Then again, much of what people call "vegetables" is, in fact, fruits, so there's that.

Favorite Scent: I've never really thought about this except when this was a question on a previous iteration of this meme that I did, and I don't remember what answer I came up with then. So I'm just gonna say...Vanilla-scented candles. Not cheap ones that just smell sickly-sweet sort-of-vanilla-y, but these ones that I buy online that smell...well...NOT sickly-sweet and like how vanilla really smells. Alternatively...snickerdoodles when they're baking. Hubby is baking me some snickerdoodles as I speak. Type. Whatever. The house smells really good. Baking bread is good, too. Before the snickerdoodles, hubby was baking the twice-weekly loaf of sourdough.

Favorite Color: Green. And/or orange. I go back and forth about which is really my favorite.

Favorite Animal: Elephants. Or hyenas. Or cats of all shapes/sizes. Or alpacas. Or llamas. Or snakes. Or spiders of all kinds. Or dragonflies. Or...Um, yeah, I'm pretty much a fan of all vertebrates and terrestrial invertebrates and some aquatic/oceanic invertebrates, too, so...take your pick.

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate all the way. I don't drink coffee because A) I think it tastes and smells disgusting, but even if that wasn't the case B) I can't have caffeine. Tea is OK. Hubby's way into herbal tea, grows/collects and dries herbs and makes his own blends and shit, and I'll drink it mostly to make him happy, but I'm not into it. I do like hot chocolate, though it's hard to find premade mixes that don’t have powdered milk in them (because I’m vegan), so I generally have to make it from scratch, so to speak, and when I do I use cashew milk as the base and I usually add either peppermint or vanilla extract for zing.

Favorite Fictional Character: Can't really pick a fave. So, have a list, probably but perhaps not really in preference order. Spock from Star Trek, who's been a fave of mine since I was 3 and was watching the original Trek in its initial run, and I announced I'd marry Spock one day. Rodney McKay from Stargate: Atlantis and Vala Mal Doran from Stargate SG-1. (Basically, if you cut up those two and glue various bits of their characters together -- and not necessarily their good bits -- you have...me. So I relate really well to both of them, so I like 'em.) Also Jack O'Neill from Stargate SG-1, but he's mostly for reasons of estrogen. (Especially if you stick 'im in dress blues. HUBBA!) Garak from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine because Cardassians Are Love. Jayne from Firefly, also for reasons of estrogen. Big, hairy, dark hair, blue eyes, solid but not too muscle-y...Yep, that's how I likes my men. And Zoe from Firefly, 'cuz OMG she's how I likes my women. HUBBA!

Dream Trip: *sigh* Still Antarctica. It's the only continent I've not been to, and I will get there before I croak, but...not yet.

When was your blog created? IIRC, it was, like, the middle of December 2013. So, I'll have had this thing 5 years soon.

Last Movie You’ve Seen: I couldn't sleep one day like a week ago, so I put on Miss Congeniality, which is one of my favorite movies because Michael Caine. When I can't sleep, I'll usually put on a really familiar movie or TV show and it lulls me to sleep, but it didn't work that time. :(

Song You’ve Had on Repeat: Englishman in New York, by Sting. I have no idea why, but it's been on repeat in my head, though I haven't actually played it lately or anything.

Favorite Candy: Not much of a sweets kind of person. I prefer salty-crunchy. I can eat a whole big bag of crisps (Like, the British ones, which are way better than American potato chips, but American ones will do) easily, but I can't even get through a whole candy bar because, ew, too sweet. That said, I do like Flake bars, but I have to go up to Canada to get 'em. Or else buy 'em online but then usually by the time I get them they're kinda smashed. Or melted. Or both. Better to go up to Canada. Where they have real chocolate and not this sickly-sweet Hershey's crap. *shudder*

Favorite Holiday: When in Canada, Canada Day is quite fun. It's like July 4th only not so...well...chest-beatingly, yahoo-y, "patriotic" 'Murican. (I really, really dislike nationalism and "patriotism" in general but especially the obnoxious 'Murican brand of it.) When in the UK, I have a fondness for Guy Fawkes Night. I guess I like fire and fireworks and things that go boom and shit, only without the "YAY AMERICA!" yelling of America's own "things that go boom" holiday. Other than that...Can't really say I'm into 'em much. They're not even "days off from work" since...Well, I've never had a "real job," and I'm pretty much retired from my unreal job these days.

Last Book You’ve Read: *cough* Does a really long and smutty and slashy Stargate: Atlantis fanfic count? I'm sad to say that, though I was a voracious reader of books when I was younger, I'm really not so much these days. Haven't been for the last decade or so, really. Not of actual books, at least. I do subscribe to and read a number of academic journals, some having to do with science and medicine and some having to do with history, but they're not books.

Favorite TV Show: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, mostly because it has Cardassians, who are all uniformly awesome, plus all the gritty political and religious goodness and stuff. Except that its last season kinda sucked and did totally WTF things with my second-favorite Cardassian. Close runner-up would be Stargate: Atlantis. Except that its last kinda season sucked, too, and did totally WTF things with McKay, so hmmm. Stargate SG-1 is good, too, except that half its team annoys the piss outta me...although this is largely made up for by the hotness that is Jack O'Neill so there's that. I like Firefly a lot but it was so short-lived that it's hard to really be a favorite because I can watch the whole thing, including the movie, in less than a day. (And believe me. I have.) I like the other Star Treks, too, especially if I'm in the mood for the "goofy soap opera in space" that is Voyager. TNG's shiny-happy Roddenberryness kinda bores the piss outta me, though it does have a few really good episodes, and the original show...Hmmm...Well, I both love and hate it. I love Spock, as I said, and I also love McCoy and all of its secondary characters. The problem is that I hate Kirk. Like, viscerally hate him. Like, I want to punch his face in every time it's on-screen. If he'd just, y'know, been eaten by a salt vampire and Spock and everyone else was OK and went off and had cool space adventures battling giant space-going amoebas and shit, I'd be totally happy and that's what fanfic's for *cough*, but since Kirk doesn't get eaten by a salt vampire...well...

Who’d You Most Like to Have Lunch With? @holleyberry :) Dude, we should totally hook up (No, not THAT way!) when I'm in SoCal next. Which won't be soon if I have my way, but when I am there....

#non sims #meme #question meme

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thethrilllofitalll · 4 years

Text

Woman Accidentally Eats a Space Cake for the First Time (Fully Loses Her Shit)

New experiences are some of the greatest joys of my life. Seeing and doing new things. New stimulus and surroundings, trying and learning new things, engaging with new people and places.

During lockdown we are almost entirely starved of new experiences.

Having gotten to 30 without ever trying weed, I have been expressing an interest for years, but not wanting to smoke, thought Space Cakes were the best option. People had warned me these could be quite strong, but a friends boyfriend was given some “Medical Marijuana CBD Cupcakes” for his birthday, and knowing I’d been interested offered me one, with the disclaimer “it’s not going to be a new experience, you’ll probably just feel more relaxed and maybe a tiny bit warm and fuzzy.”

Me being me and always wanting to make everything The Maximum Fun, would have under normal circumstances gathered friends, lowered the lights, composed a playlist, eaten the cake in a ceremonial fashion and fully embraced the moment. But, as I was assured not to get over excited, instead my friend (L) and I ate them together as a snack absent mindedly whilst having a chat in her bed around 10pm. I then went off next door to watch some telly alone whilst texting my boyfriend (S).

What unfolded was quite the unexpected turn of events...

18th May 2020

23:05

To S

M: Just eaten it mate

S : that's a tiny bite!

M: I’ve ate the whole thing

M: Really hard thick choc

M: Hard work

M: I feel caffeinated

M: Typical

M: The only person in life to not chill out on weed

23:20

M: Watching the explained about monogramy lol x

23:40

M: Oscar wee’d in the kitchen

S : bad boy!

S : how is the cbd?

M: Feel quite chill now to be fair

M: But maybes it’s the absolute moment of calm tea I’m drinking

S : haha

M: Wow I’m watching the genum explained

M: Apparently now stick your earwax is is genetic!

00:00

M: Omg

M: Wow

M: Just got the drop!

M: Did not expect that to be a thing!

To L

M: Wow just had The drop

M: Lol!!

L: Lol

L: Me too

L: 😂

M: #legaliseit

L: I’m lying in the dark

L: Feel like I might float out into the street

M: Hahaha

L: ✌️

M: It literally came over me like a cloak in the kitchen!!

M: Super intense!! Like sinking into a hole

L: Lol

M: #isthiswhatheroinislike

L: Yes felt it in the dark

L: Lovin it

M: 🤑

Li: 🌱

M: Me watching telly right now no lie

M: #chillin

L: Me

To S

M: Omg I’m high!!!! Hahahaha giggly

00:05

To L

M: What a new experimenter

M: Giggly! And 😎 getting in bed with my sunbathing soundtrack on for the full experience

L: Me too

L: My face hurts from smiling

M: Hahahah OMG I feel like an absolutely beautiful cliche or a person trying drugs for the first time

M: I am thinking all the classic drug thoughts

M: About time

00:10

M: And expanding contracting

L: Me too

M: And getting disorientated JB the room

L: Yes

M: And can’t get undressed ao have fallen into bed with my T-shirt and bra still on hahaha

L: Haha

M: Was just pacing back and forward for ages forgetting what I was doing before that

To S

M: Omg I’m so high ha

To L

M: Just came to and caught myself hunched over beside the bed, crouching like Gollum

M: Now in bed laughing af myself

00:15

To S

M: Think I might have cut my fingers trying desperately to get into the wrong end of my headphones emboldened

M: Box

(Didn’t actually send this pic)

M: That’s me with my eyes open

S : haha what? x

S : you okay

To L

M: Wow warm rushes down and tingly sensations Up!

M: This song about giggling just came on

M: Reccomend d

M: Here’s a song for you… Laugh with Me by Paul White

https://open.spotify.com/track/4ebGfveNsaTPvbmYrcYbM9?si=Zew2rxbfQ7aQZ_b9fIwA_g

00:20

To S

M: A tightness is chest and breath and strange iron taste

M: I am 1 of the highest I have been in my life wow

M: Hehehehe how unexpected

M: Wish I could take photos of all the funny positions and faces I keep coming to and finding myself in

M: I imagine this one to be the recently deceased wake of a grumpy old cheese mans body

M: Chinese

M: Like a soldier made of stone

S : are you on your own?

M: Wow event the documentation of the peveois/current high went crazy Cus a new one kicked in and distracted the current

To L

L: Wowwwww cant type

L: How lovely it is

L: Trippyyy

M: Here’s a playlist for you… Sunbathing soundtrack

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1kGgW3qvdBHAQwQSNpwV0j?si=1r90zkW_QcGfbMUO2eHUsA

Note on phone

I might piss on the floor like Oscar

To S

M: Me and L are both in same boat but on our own beds textier

M: Hahahaha

To J

M: OMG J I’m really tired I can’t stop laughing

M: High!!!

00:25

To S

M: Me loving life

M: 🤞🤤🤞🤟✌️✌️✌️✌️

S : hahaha babe! xx

S : glad you're having a nice time

M: I just imagined I had come out with a brilliant music video idea but I came to and realised it was just imagining ever cartoon representation of being high ever spliced together. And then I came to and realised i was typing this.

M: Can’t believe your not here wtf should have bought week 1

M: Unjust caught myself thinking with no irony wow I suddenly understand what the Beatles were singing about

M: When I was imagining trying to text every new feeling and image

M: Hahaha and while writing that was earnestly tupong this new thought

M: And “well I do feel very creative”

00:30

To L

M: And add “i do feel very creative” to my earnest cliched thoughts

M: (I do!)

To S

M: OMG these powerful warm surges feel like you’d have in a dream where you posed yoirakef im going to the loo in case

M: Also the thought before feels ages ago

00:35

To L

L: ❤️❤️

M: High cheeky ostrich is my new lying position

To S

M: Warm fuzzy snow suit

M: Not typos

M: I am already excited to read this tomorrow but hahaha I promise it’s all honestly genuinely spontaneously happening as I try to document it maddest feeling of my life maybe

M: I never had that piss

M: Gonna try

00:40

To J

OMG I Hirnkonstrukt think I might be doing that thing Danny did when he kept thinking he was piss himself in the pyjamas

M: I did have that piss Tay time tho to make it real

Note on phone

BAby kangaroo nausea

Y funniest thing of the year

00:45

To L

M: A fantasy involving a religiiius cartoon in which someone declares that cannabis is “the higher place” earnestly hah hahahaha omg

L: Ha aha

M: Imagined Dom and Lauren are so high they are waking me up over my headphones typing to you won’t music to Interupt with banging pans and jangling bells

M: They’re all linked

M: Oh here come the goat bells again

M: and interupt each other

Note on phone

OMG stop being unfunny and controlling

Wow mood switch

00:55

To S

M: Wow I think I ist did a 10 min one just of trips interrupting one another 100 times to report back sorry it this is annoy g can’t tell if done 100 times or none each other to report back

S : nothing is annoying xxx

S : going to bed now

S : are you having fun?

S : going to sleep? x

M: Nothing in the bed

M: Yes it’s honestl mad tho this is the highest I have been in my life it feels like I should document it

M: : Either u picked the most perfect high soundtrack ever or the high production values on these tracks are the greatest of all time

S: what u listening to?

S: I'm going to sleep now xxx

S: love you! ❤️❤️

S: can't wait to see you make sense of this in the morning

S: Oooo longest one yet

M: Haha me too it is so funny no be so knowing bht so powerless

Notes on phone

Standing outside myself and reporting back defo most accurate feeling

A new companion for myself

Wow “Powerful”

Both genhinemg and ironically

1:40

To L

M: Wow finally got me bra off and mr phone on charge

M: Bloody powerful

M: You ok? X

Notes on phone

Within one anothe so literally that I just had a dream sequence so accurate it woke me up

Infact he was riding a pig at my wedding

Huge surging music

19th May- The Morning After

07:20

To S

S: hahaha

S: I have no idea what you're on about

S: hope you got a good night's sleep

7:40

M: Morning xxxxxzz

S: morning! x

8.35

To L

L: Good morning

L: How are you??

L: I’m up but just in bed!

L: Oh meg

09:20

M: What a time to be alive!

M: How are you?

To S

M: Guten Morgen

S: hello babe xx

S: how are you?

M: Sleepy

M: How are ya?

M: Sorry I was too high to ask any how does it feel to be home questions

M: Look forward to asking them all soon

S: haha that's fine I had fun

S: also I was just chatting to Lukas

S: but it's good

S: cba to unpack and everything

10:30

To L

M: I’m sleepy

L: Absolutely wild

L: Want a cuppa??

L: Just got a Skype now will Come and check on you after at 11! Xx

M: Haha see you at 11 still be asleep

To S

S: what you doing with your day? xx

S: ohh I think I forgot a bunch of shirts in your closet

M: Sleeping currently

11:20

To L

L: How are you doing?

L: Megggg

L: What a life

L: Shout me when you’re awake xx

M: Wow sleepy!!

11:40

To L

L: Meg I’m still trippin

L: It comes in waves

M: Oh god wow really

To S

M: Wow sleepy

S: haha

S: what you doing?! x

S: snoozing all day long

M: Sleeping

M: Haha no I’m gonna try be awake now

M: L’s still tripping

To L

M: Did you do a meeting?!

L: Not like last night

L: Yes lol

L: Do u want tea?

L: Will get kettle on

M: Hahaha shall I come down

L: Think I need to talk through this mad experience

M: Haha I’ll make it I think I’m out of the woods

M: Well this is the longest I’ve been awake for so I guess we will see! What do you want? X

L: Doing the kettle now

L: I just need to speak to you about it all

11:50

To S

S: oh dear

S: told you it's strong in food

S: but you feel good? xx

S: sad I wasn't with you

M: Haha L is still high

S: yeah you just said

S: hbu?

M: OMG I took loads of photos

M: I defo am

M: But not in the tripping way

15:15

To L

M: Taken me about ten minutes to get me knickers on

What an absolute turn up for the books!! I accidentally got the new experience I was craving.

#thethrillofitall newandunexpectedexperiences

0 notes

fagkit · 7 years

Note

200 thru 1 :3c

bet you didn’t think I’d do it @chqwder @ephraim-o-rama

200: My crush’s name is: killu @bpdzoldyck I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH!!!!!! 199: I was born in: ontario198: I am really: affectionate, loving, supportive, jealous, drained197: My cellphone company is: freedom196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9194: My ring size is: no idea193: My height is: 5′11′’192: I am allergic to: nothing that I know of191: My 1st car was: none, I hate driving190: My 1st job was: peer tutoring through my college189: Last book you read: I can’t remember, but probably a science fiction book for one of the classes I took in college188: My bed is: comfortable and unmade and covered in clothes187: My pet: a precious calico kitty cat named reese uwu 186: My best friend: aria @god-mutt aaaaaahhh god I love my best friend so much like holy gosh damn like I love her with all my heart she’s the best friend ever to exist!!!!! 185: My favorite shampoo is: head and shoulders is all I use184: Xbox or ps3: neither?? I’m a pc gamer… ps3 if I had to choose183: Piggy banks are: kinda helpful I guess182: In my pockets: nothing lmao181: On my calendar: my friends’ birthdays uwu180: Marriage is: I dunno, nothing special to me179: Spongebob can: quench that extreme thirst178: My mom: loves memes177: The last three songs I bought were? all on krewella’s new world album, the first time I’ve bought music in years actually176: Last YouTube video watched: sro playing camille175: How many cousins do you have? fuck there’s a lot of them but I don’t know most of them, my family tree is huge.. I’m close to like three of my cousins174: Do you have any siblings? I have a younger sister173: Are your parents divorced? nope172: Are you taller than your mom? yeah, by a little171: Do you play an instrument? not at all170: What did you do yesterday? I worked and then had a pizza and relaxed[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not a chance168: Luck: as much as I like to blame luck when things go bad, or say I got lucky when things go well, not really… shit just happens167: Fate: same as before, shit just happens, but fate can be nice to think about sometimes166: Yourself: kinda, I can be a big fuck up sometimes but I’m still alive and kicking165: Aliens: not your traditional aliens out of fiction, but I believe there is other forms of life in the universe164: Heaven: nah, not really, but it’s nice to think about163: Hell: as often as I’ll say I’m going to hell, in particular with my best friend to chill after death, it’s not really something I think is real162: God: no, I don’t really think about it either, nor do I care to think about it161: Horoscopes: they’re fun, but I don’t think they’re real or accurate or hold any value160: Soul mates: it’s a comforting thing to believe in, but it’s probably not real159: Ghosts: not really, it’s possible but I don’t really care either way158: Gay Marriage: of course!!!!! unfollow me if you don’t157: War: war is very much real lmao do I think it should it happen??? it would be nice if it didn’t… but in the world we live in I think it’s always bound to happen156: Orbs: what does this even mean????155: Magic: nope but this is the closest to magic I’ve ever seen[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs153: Drunk or High: high152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: black hair150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunette149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: summer147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: oranges143: Curly or Straight hair: straight142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdicks141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: obama I guess, I’m not american so my opinion is limited135: Burried or cremated: I want to be cremated134: Singing or Dancing: singing133: Coach or Chanel: lmao I don’t care132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who???131: Small town or Big city: small town130: Wal-Mart or Target: wal-mart, target got shit on in canada for good reasons too129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: adam sandler I guess, only because my favourite movie ever is 50 first dates128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure probably so I can show it off127: East Coast or West Coast: I don’t know??? what does this even mean??126: Your Birthday or Christmas: my birthday125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: never been to either and never will123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither, I don’t care about sports[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: depends on what’s being fought over, human rights is one of the only reasons it should need to happen121: George Bush: I’m not american and I don’t really care120: Gay Marriage: there shouldn’t need to be laws for gay marriage to be legal and accepted119: The presidential election: a losing choice either way118: Abortion: pro-choice, your body your life your choice117: MySpace: dead and gone116: Reality TV: can be fun sometimes115: Parents: my parents are great!!!! others?? not so much… really common to hear about shitty parents114: Back stabbers: shitty people, drop them when you get the chance113: Ebay: pretty useful but I don’t really use it112: Facebook: waste of time and poorly designed and too much data mining111: Work: I’m underpaid, retail is hell, it’s basically adult babysitting110: My Neighbors: don’t talk to them but they smoke a lot of weed109: Gas Prices: inflated and bullshit but luckily I don’t drive108: Designer Clothes: not a necessity but to each their own107: College: unfairly out of reach for most people, should be free106: Sports: boring and exhausting and not fun to me105: My family: I love my family, I don’t really have any complaints104: The future: probably pretty shitty with how things in the world have been lately, gonna enjoy the present while I can[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: a week ago102: Last time you ate: a couple hours ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: a while? :3c100: Cried in front of someone: a few days ago on voice chat with my best friend99: Went to a movie theater: around a year at this point98: Took a vacation: around april was the last time I had a week off work97: Swam in a pool: over a year, last summer I think96: Changed a diaper: never95: Got my nails done: never94: Went to a wedding: not since I was a baby93: Broke a bone: never, the closest was a fractured wrist when I was around 1292: Got a peircing: never91: Broke the law: I have no idea, probably the last time I ripped a song from youtube which was almost a year ago90: Texted: less than a minute ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: aria88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: aria87: The last movie I saw: something with aria I can’t remember the name of, it was a bunch of shorts on short stories (she has informed me it was called XX)86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: coming home from work and calling with aria85: The thing im not looking forward to: going back to work84: People call me: loving, supportive, a brother83: The most difficult thing to do is: accept change82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never81: My zodiac sign is: libra80: The first person i talked to today was: grizz @chqwder79: First time you had a crush: when I was around 1078: The one person who i can’t hide things from: aria77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: probably aria76: Right now I am talking to: voice calling with aria 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be best friends with aria74: I have/will get a job: I am a unofficially a manager at a hardware store (I do all the work of one), but only get paid as a supervisor73: Tomorrow: THIS IS SO VAGUE but I’m going to be working and then hanging out with aria72: Today: I streamed with grizz @chqwder and joshy @ephraim-o-rama and voice called with aria @god-mutt while I did this before bed71: Next Summer: I have no idea probably hanging out with aria??70: Next Weekend: hanging out with aria69: I have these pets: a cat that I mentioned earlier68: The worst sound in the world: forks scraping on a plate67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself66: People that make you happy: aria makes me the happiest65: Last time I cried: like a week ago on call with aria64: My friends are: amazing and wonderful and I love them63: My computer is: a beast62: My School: I’m not in school anymore61: My Car: is non-existent, like my license60: I lose all respect for people who: lie and break my trust, cheat, lots of other reasons that are pretty standard and obvious for people not deserving respect59: The movie I cried at was: I can’t remember right now but I cry really easily at movies58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: hunter x hunter and a bunch of other anime, rupauls drag race, and mostly just youtube videos… I don’t have cable to watch tv56: Favorite web site: tumblr and youtube55: Your dream vacation: I hate travel but if I get a chance to meet aria that would be the best54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when I scalded my hand with boiling water a couple years ago53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium-rare52: My room is: kinda messy51: My favorite celebrity is: I really love adore delano50: Where would you like to be: hanging out with aria and looking at stars or watching movies and having a sleepover49: Do you want children: kinda, as long as I can skip the baby phase48: Ever been in love: yes, and then heartbroken but I’m over it now whatever romantic love sucks miss me with that shit47: Who’s your best friend: aria!!!!46: More guy friends or girl friends: guy friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: spending time with aria44: One person that you wish you could see right now: aria43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not die??? even that’s kinda iffy???42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: meet aria41: Have you pre-named your children: nope40: Last person I got mad at: a friend I ended up blocking39: I would like to move to: nowhere, I like where I live38: I wish I was a professional: programmer[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: peanut butter m&ms36: Vehicle: I don’t really care enough to have one35: President: don’t care enough to have one34: State visited: I’ve only been to two states, buffalo (to take a plane to chicago), and illinois. between the two, definitely not buffalo33: Cellphone provider: I’m with freedom and the service is meh but it’s affordable32: Athlete: don’t care31: Actor: don’t care enough to have one30: Actress: don’t care enough29: Singer: adore delano28: Band: krewella27: Clothing store: h&m??? I don’t really clothing shop often26: Grocery store: fortinos25: TV show: excluding anime, it would be rupauls drag race24: Movie: 50 first dates23: Website: tumblr and youtube22: Animal: foxes and fennecs21: Theme park: never been to one20: Holiday: halloween19: Sport to watch: none, they’re all boring18: Sport to play: none, they’re all boring17: Magazine: I don’t read any16: Book: warrior cats ;3 I don’t read… never have the time15: Day of the week: thursday, it’s my day off14: Beach: a beach 3 hours away on lake huron13: Concert attended: three days grace12: Thing to cook: mac and cheese11: Food: pizza and mac and cheese10: Restaurant: a sushi place that closed down almost three years ago9: Radio station: I don’t really listen to the radio on my own, not sure8: Yankee candle scent: I dunno probably something with vanilla??7: Perfume: I don’t know vanilla scents I guess??6: Flower: snapdragons and bleeding hearts!!!!!!!!5: Color: true blue4: Talk show host: I don’t watch talk shows3: Comedian: I have no idea2: Dog breed: german shepherd, husky, border collie1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yep

#ice answers #long post #grizzer

6 notes · View notes

ashashheartu-blog-blog · 6 years

Text

gone and past

Despite the fact that I have started my career, have a stable job, a mortgage, and a car (all to me are very “adult-like things”), I am far from being an adult. You know how I know? Because I have the emotional well-being of a fucking 16 year old teenage girl.

The past week was such a shitty week. The day before my 25th bday, also the day before Chinese new year (which in chinese culture is even more sacred than CNY itself), I got TERRIBLY sick. Like so sick, I thought I was going to end up in the hospital again. But me being me, and being a nurse, I was thinking to myself “nah, I got this, I’m just gonna die in my bed and wait for this to pass”. And of course, all night I was miserable. While all my friends were enjoying their CNY festivities, taking pictures of all their food, receiving red pockets, I was in my room, alone, with a fever of 38.7 degrees, heart rate of 120, aches all over, chills, contemplating my life. The next day, on my birthday, on CNY, I spent the day alone at home, wallowing in self-pity....while continuing to be very very sick. Highlight of my day was when Grace and her boyfriend came over to bring me soup and cake that evening. And I must say God bless her soul, because if she hadn’t came over, it would have been the saddest birthday ever. (Side bar, honestly wouldn’t know what I would have done without this girl, future Ashley reading this post, please still be friends with that girl because you’d be stupid not to be).

Couple days later, after feeling mildly better, I went out for dinner with this guy I’ve been “seeing” from bumble. After seeing this guy for 4 times, my naive stupid ass brain of mine thinks to myself, maybe this will turn out into something more serious. But he ghosts me the very next day.

And that’s just it. Thats how I know that my emotional well-being is a fucking 16 year old. Because first of all, why the fuck was I so sad on my birthday? Literally, birthdays don’t mean shit. Like yes, good job, you survived another year, but in reality there is nothing special about the day your age turns from 24 to 25. Yet I was SO DEPRESSED that day because I was sick and lonely. And I was thinking to myself also, “i’m so sad that I don’t have family to celebrate CNY with me” , but again in reality almost every previous year before I moved out, even on CNY I would be playing dodgeball or something like that...Its not a holiday I actually care about. I was just wallowing in self-pity because I felt sorry for myself. Writing about this, Im not belittling my feelings, because damn did I feel sad and lonely that day. But its rather its the realization that I don’t need to be THAT sad about it.

And that guy that ghosted me....when he did, I was so frustrated and angry. Thinking, how dare he ghost me? how rude is this mofo to just stop contacting me?! To give a little more context, he stopped texting me after I said I didn’t like guys that did drugs (other than weed) and that its something that he should consider. I was so obsessed with the fact that he didn’t message back. But really, WHO THE FUCK CARES? I mean don’t get me wrong, I still think that bitch is rude AF, but still Ashley....WHO THE FUCK CARES THAT HE DIDN”T TEXT BACK. Because if you really evaluate the person that he was, you KNOW that he wasn’t your future. YOU KNOW that you were compromising your standards. You KNOW that he wasn’t really compatible with you. But why did I keep talking to him? Because you liked that he found you attractive, you liked to have someone to talk to. And that’s just simply pathetic. I am just so sad and lonely that I would compromise my standards, just to be with someone and that’s not how it’s suppose to be. And I think the truly sad part is that even though i KNOW ALL THIS ABOUT MYSELF, I STILL GO THROUGH WITH DOING STUPID SHIT.

So there’s two sides of me now. One side, the smart side, is saying: “Ashley, seriously girl, grow the fuck up. Take a good god damn look at yourself and grow the fuck up, stop acting stupid and respect yourself and treat your body right.“ While the other side of me (and the side that wins most of the time), keeps encouraging stupidity like “Ashley girl, your life is a mess, feel sorry for yourself, do stupid shit and drink your sorrows away, give away your heart to whoever the fuck wants it cuz its trash....or go call your ex”.

25 is going to be a long year.

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thebrushedbalcony · 6 years

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Sunday Night 8/5

I suppose I wasn't in the right headspace earlier in the day. I had gone to bed late the night before, I had had one or two small screw-ups that I could write off as not my fault. I had a full 9 hours of sleep before Saturday - and that was after a few short nights. My birthday had been the Thursday before, and I was generally in a good mood during/after. Steven smoked me out at 10, I went to Old Chicago after, and then Tessa and Hoppe came and hung out for just an hour. I suppose at this point, I had been smoking about 6 nights a week for 2 weeks (started right after I lifted my self-imposed ban on not smoking after I closed).

I guess if im going that far back I might as well take an even broader picture of whats been happening in my life recently. Its been 8 months since I moved out into this house. Eight months since I began easily removing any mental boundaries I had set in stone for myself. Drugs, Sex, language (still gonna hold onto that last one for awhile). Something I haven't nearly done enough soul-searching about is God! I'm worried I have so easily dropped an entire life that had been pointing me towards a life of bible-reading, church-attending, and being the perfect role model. Like Amanda moving in! A year ago I would have been proud to flaunt that I didn't smoke or drink or have even the slightest thought about dirty sex outside of a sanctioned marriage. Now look at me, I'm everything past Ethan liked to believe he was better than everyone else about. I guess thats a long-winded way of saying I'm a big ol' hypocrite! These are the big things I have held onto my whole life - my way of always thinking in the back of my head that I'm "better" than everyone else just a bit. And now its all gone awaaay.

I don't mourn the loss of my "innocence" or whatever tho. These were all my decisions, I thought these all out. Sure half of it was probably my hamster going into overload, but just maybe it wasn't! Some of these christian laws and rules that everyone has to follow don't seem very rooted in solid logic. But wow, maybe thats my hamster again. Spinning in overdrive to make up logical reasons for my stupid decisions. Either way, I've got no regrets! This last night is really pushing that though. Sex was fun, and I'm going to continue to have fun with it during my life. Marijuana is fun! I presume I'll still be getting high for years to come. Maybe. Last night was actual, existential pain like I've never felt before. I was able to fully slide into the victim mentality - first time in my life. But I'll get to that later. I'm not sure who these last two paragraphs are for, but I think that is a pretty good look into my head going into last night. Oh yeah - that’s what the point of all that was! Alright. Back to the story.

5 grams of weed. That’s how much I helped Josh distill. 30 bucks, if I went to a cheaper dealer. Josh was on TOP of the math, apparently the cup he just poured was one-hundred-freaking-milligrams. Josh and I didn't take that number seriously. Maybe Josh did more, in the back of his mind, but we both knew steven took like, 80mg of the stuff and didn't feel anything! And the "30mg" cookie I took a week or two ago wasn't really that bad anyway. No way this is 100mg. "These edibles ain't shit!" as I drank actually 100mg and sealed my incredibly unforunate fate. Drank it at 8:30, and I could actually feel it really fast. Like within minutes, just a small sense that something was off. In a good way of course, like cool! Getting high already.

First hour was fun. I was already kinda in a daze, having only got 6 hours of sleep the night before. Having fun, music was great and I even pulled out my phone and recorded whatever strange conversation we were having at the time. The other three were pretty hyped about a firepit, I still think its very funny Josh had lived there so many years and had no idea if there was one around still. I was inside, stuck to a chair when I recorded a bit of what was going on in my head. This must have been about 10:15:

"the house is all screwey. Its like every thing I see is instantly as distant as a sharp memory, srrange focal points and strangw perspectives. Im dreaming? Weird nostslgia molding together, in a not normal way. like an old distant life. im lazq ‰) %/"#÷ame. wow, hah This is lucid, but stuck. Its self aware lucid and is all."

It had been a bit over an hour and a half and I was practically in a dream state. Whats strange is all my other experiences with edibles is I don't notice myself getting much higher after 1.5/2 hours. I guess there was just so much weed it kept on being absorbed. Anyway, Amanda came and grabbed me as Josh and Drew were trying to get the fire started. I was having a grand old time, stumbling around and in complete awe as to how I couldn't file anything I was seeing into a clear and defined memory. It still plays out like an extremely vivid dream in my head. None of the wacky dream stuff was happening, like people I didn't know or new settings, but everything had that strange sheen and warped perspective of not really being there.

I believe it was 10:30/45 when I had to stumble away from the campfire because I had a sudden and very specific feeling that I was going to throw up. I got to my car and realized there was actually a whole lot that was going wrong. I held onto the driver's side of my car for dear life as my reality slowly splintered into anguish. I would have said pain right there, but that wouldn't be right. It wasn't really a sharp bad physical pain, I get a nice dose of that whenever a migraine hits. No this was like, being unplugged from the matrix but the only other option was death. To continue the analogy, I would try and plug myself back in but realized in horror the only thing that defined my existence was a few vague memories from my past when nothing really special happened. That’s all I was, a big ol poser in life with only a false personality given to me by my parents and my church with a few unrelated memories that I pretended tied it all together. It was like my personality and my own being was being broken down to it's pure biology - the entire person I had spent my whole life building up just being ripped away. The worst part is I was locked out of anything that had happened in my brain for the past 10 years. All the dreary foggy terrible memories were from random times when I was growing up, and none of them even had bad emotions attached to them! The horror was them being displayed to me as the only thing that made me a person. It was lifeless, cruel, something was telling me that I've never had any real life, and it was going to rip away every single lie I have told myself since I was born. And all that would be left is a broken and defeated nothing of a living being.

Now, I don't presume to get all spiritual here. That "something" was me, I mean right? I took too much drug, and it went to TOWN and the only thing they had to work with was this brain up here. I'm.... not sure where it came up with all that though. A current working thesis is that... it uncovered something? If marijuana truly only had my brain to work with, it pulled that ugly monster out of SOME deep dark corner. Now I'm sure it completely amplified and morphed this small insecurity into the terrible monster that it became, but nevertheless it was a monster of my own creation. And thats what makes it so terrifying, I was in agony and defeated by MYSELF. Well, plus a buttload of drugs. Hmm, maybe that was it. But Josh and Drew had the same amount! It could be explained away by different tolerances or different mental makeup. Either way, I crossed my boundaries like, WAY far.

Maybe I am overthinking this. I have slowly learned to deal with migraines for the past 10 years - and thats been a huge struggle to fight my body with my mind! Once it hits I can't do anything to stop it. But I've learned to accept it, I ride it out and deal with it - acknowledge that it'll get better eventually. I suppose that is the line of thinking from last night that kept me sane. I knew weed couldn't kill or maim you. You better believe I held onto that thought - that idea like it was my lifeline.

Anyway I told Amanda where the spare was, I got in my car and laid down eventually. I was glad Josh was there in the car with me for some of the time, as I mentioned earlier I knew I had no qualms putting myself in the "very bad victim" category. Normally I would feel bad Josh had to sit in the car with me for 30+ minutes, but I didn't! I was in so much bad having his slight uncomfort was almost expected. That sounds super selfish and I'm very grateful but thats how it was hah. He grabs me some water, dips inside towards the end so he didn't have to stay out there forever. Eventually I get inside, and onto the couch (around 12:10) and I somehow zoned out until 3. I remember some small conversation, someone passed me some sherbert and I think Amanda made pizza later. I knew I didn't want to sleep on the couch so I went downstairs and stole the bed in the middle of the room. Got about 6 hours, and still felt high when I woke up. And theeen I lazed around all day, took a nap and left and came here at 8.

So in conclusion. I think I might have got a bit too fanatic about the whole "hidden mental closet" thing, but maybe not. I definitely had a LOT of weed, and it definitly hit me wrong. The next few days will tell if there is anything different in how I...live? mentally? I think even now 48 hours the shock is wearing off. Even typing this it seems like a really vivid dream. I might not have even typed this if Josh hadn't mentioned that I maybe should, that these experiences can fade away. I guess i'm not surprised, my sober mind is probably busy chucking that memory into a trash bag and dragging it down to the landfill!

I guess, with my first few paragraphs being hindsight, I do have a lot of scary thoughts that I don't think about. Who am I really, what are my real boundaries, if I can throw out these big boundaries so easily, who's to say I chuck the baby out with the bathwater and give up on my personality as I've started with! Haha naa, I like what I am. There I said it, I am haappy with who I am. Maybe a bit more sex would help with the self esteem, and a bit more money would be quite welcome as well - but I'm doing alright. I've got my own house, a freaking perfect mini-studio in here, a tired but nice job, and a really awesome friend in Josh. In his parent's freaking fairy-tale house. 2/10 would bad trip again fo sho

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unlikelydreamlandcreation-blog · 6 years

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