#i think its kind of insane how therapeutic the process is for me

[candiliam328]

there is actually something so healing in stabbing bobby pins into one's head (read: making ballet bun)

[shameboree]

hey kels how did you figure out what you'd do for work?

do you mean profession or specialty? ill answer BOTH bc the answer is the same

GOT CANCER. WENT SEPTIC. ALMOST DIED. the single most influential event of my LIFE this is why i am so patient and like positive or whatever bc literally nothing is worse than almost dying. that shit SUCKED. anyway i knew i wanted to do SOMETHING in oncology but it took me years to even begin processing that shit and i worked FOR YEARS after in a meangirls viper pit i refer to exclusively as babyhell (daycare (derogatory)) so it took me a hot minute to really figure myself out.

DISCLAIMER that i am the kinda person who makes life choices QUICK AS SHIT bc i know myself really well and i have a pretty good sense of what i want. idk if u can tell but im a v fast pace kind of person so when i decided to become a nurse it was in like a 5min stretch of Thinking and then i was just like Yeah this is It. my RAPID FIRE thought process in those 5 min was basically is this a field where my personal attributes and experiences can make a positive impact on other ppl?? the answer was YES. i also thought CAN I MAKE MONEY?? the answer here was ALSO yes. TWO BIRDS, A SINGLE STONE.

in baby hell i WAS making positive impacts on kiddos and their families (several families left when i left bc of how much they trusted me blah blah) but like it was NOT rewarding to me. too much stress too little payoff bc i love kids but they arent my PASSION u feel?? ALSO pay was TRASH GARBO. ANYWAY when i thought abt working w cancer patients or people who i could relate to in terms of life/traumatic medical experiences it was something i immediately vibed w bc i knew that common ground could facilitate meaningful therapeutic interactions in an otherwise massively stressful environment.

for me, personally, its a matter of giving back. my oncology nurses fucking ROCKED and made me feel like a person during a time where even well meaning ppl reduced me to a pitiable diagnosis they could use to fuel their tragedy porn. i wanna PAY THAT SHIT FORWARD, so even working medsurg, the most NOTORIOUSLY MISERABLE AND SOUL SUCKING type of nursing there is (memes abt medsurg nurses wishing for death or being dead inside or crying every shift are TOO REAL) i still dont regret becoming a nurse and still find meaning and satisfaction in it even during shifts that make me feel batshit miserable and soul sucked.

choosing a Job or a Career doesnt need to hinge on WORTHINESS or POSITIVE IMPACT or whatever, ig its like what you find fulfilling!! and also not necessarily what youre GOOD at (eg a lot of GOOD AT DRAWS ppl go into art/ani industry and fucking LOATHE it every day. this is why i did not go to art skool). theres that pressure that u gotta figure urself out young as fuck blah blah etc but life can be long!!! you can go turtle pace. there were several 50-60+yos in my nurse school cohort!!

i am trying not to get soapbox pep talky here. anyway i only am an insane fast track nutbag bc i almost died, so basically thats how i make all my life choices.

[1kook]

card swiped (2)

→ jeon jungkook x (f) reader

→ How was he, a virgin, supposed to casually take his best friend’s virginity when he was so terribly, irrevocably smitten with said best friend?  GENRE eventual smut, minor angst WARNINGS mentions of porn, mentions of sex, mentions of dicks, just jk having dumb thoughts tbh  OTHER volleyball player jk, student council pres oc, childhood friends to lovers, besties to lovers, realization of crushes, there is one (1) cheek kiss 😐 RATING m (18+) WC 1.3k

NOTES (!) i did a follow up!!! this is rlly easy bc its like. dumb. the storyline is p simple so its become therapeutic 😐 anywayyy lemme know what u think !!

[ masterlist ]

The first step to initiating sex is a kiss— right?

Jungkook doesn’t even know anymore. All the porns he’s seen start at weird points in the progression, the first kiss somewhere between when the clothing comes off and when the penis holder shoves their cock in. Did he kiss you now, or was he supposed to wait?

That is, can Jungkook even muster the balls to kiss you? 

He doesn’t know, and when he sits up in front of you, knees against yours, does he come to a new shocking realization: the two of you have never kissed. For as long as Jungkook has known you, there has never been a kiss shared between you two. Not a single experimental phase, surprise mistletoe, not even a dare. Jungkook and you have never kissed, so it only makes sense that the idea of kissing right now has him pausing before he can even try. 

“Uh,” he says, all his years of grammar classes running down the drain when you sit up perkily, a gleam of excitement in your eye. “Tomorrow,” Jungkook chokes out, hurriedly bouncing off your bed before you can even process his words. 

By the time you’ve gotten up, he’s standing at the door with his bag slung over one shoulder, foot shoved into his shoe. “You’re leaving?” you ask, and scare the living daylights out of Jungkook when you suddenly reach for the sleeve of his shirt, successfully halting his hasty departure with one gentle tug alone. 

Jungkook’s face feels like it’ll burn up at this rate, and his brain screams at him to stop being so weird. You were his best friend, for goodness sake, something like this was bound to happen at some point or another. Right? His heart thunders in his chest, and when your eyes soften for the briefest moment, warm and familiar again, Jungkook relaxes. 

“I have practice,” he says casually, tugging the strap of his bag further over his shoulder. Inside, his shoes are shuffled around with his water bottle and practice clothes. “We need more than an hour to do that kind of stuff,” he jokes, but Jungkook isn’t even sure if what he’s saying is true. When that girl had jacked him off at that party—you know, the party—he can’t remember it lasting more than fifteen minutes. To be fair, it had been the first time someone had ever touched him, so maybe it was just because of his inexperience. 

And that brings him back to the same dilemma: how on earth is he supposed to rock your world when he’s never even had sex before?

Before Jungkook can dissolve into a self-induced puddle of panic, you’re letting him go. “Okay,” you say, always so sweet and understanding. You had to be if you were the president of the whatever-council (he’s pretty sure it’s the student council). It should be Jungkook who is this composed, not you. It should be Jungkook who leans forward, presses his lips against your cheek— not you! 

But as it stands, it is you who leans forward, soft lips pressed flush against his cheek, only an inch away from his lips. Your proximity has the overwhelming scent of, well, you fanning over him; fabric softener, lotion, perfume, all of it. “Oh,” Jungkook says, sounding like a total dweeb. The departure of your lips from his skin produces a soft smooching sound, straight from the movies, and Jungkook’s heart lodges itself into his throat when you meet his gaze with a sweet smile. 

And then the door is falling shut and Jungkook is bolting down the hallway, through the campus, and into the gym. He looks and feels insane, the emptiness of the gymnasium a blatant reminder that he was in fact a little too early. Serves him right for chickening out. But a second longer in your presence and he’s almost certain he would have died from heart complications. 

It’s only when he stares out over the gymnasium floor, devoid of any human life, that the gravity of his actions truly hit him. And they hit him hard. Like a city bus skidding across an icy road towards an intersection, Jungkook is suddenly hit full force with the stark realization that he has just prepositioned his friend of nearly fifteen years for sex. While being a virgin. 

“God,” he groans, throwing his bag against the nearest wall. It hits it with a dull thud, sliding down to the floor sadly. Jungkook follows. 

It would be nice to have some common sense every once in a while, to actually use the brain lodged up in his head. Why on earth had he thought offering himself up for sex to you, of all people, would be something easy? Sure, Jungkook as a virgin had some expectations of what sex would be like; deep down inside, he’s always known it won’t be exactly like in porn, there would be some disappointing things and some absolutely amazing things. But those were his own expectations to bear, the end results something that personally wouldn’t weigh down on him too much. 

But now… now Jungkook will have to come face to face with your expectations, that of which he absolutely can’t let down. What if you think his dick is small? What if cums too soon? What if you can’t get turned on by him? What if, at the end of it all, you don’t want to be Jungkook’s friend anymore?

The last thought has him sullenly sinking down further against the wall, chin pressed to his chest, as he mulls over any potential options. It would be weird (at least in Jungkook’s mind) to call it off now, especially after seeing how excited you’d gotten. As your best friend, Jungkook lived by an unspoken, strict code of conduct, that of which dictated that promises between best friends were not meant to be broken. It was the highest offense. 

But how was Jungkook supposed to rock your virgin world if he was a virgin? 

Faintly, he can still feel your puckered lips pressed against his cheek, and he mindlessly raises a hand up to brush his fingers against the skin. It makes him blush, remembering that sweet gaze you’d looked at him with. It’s the same one you used to give him when you were younger, the slightly proud, really content gaze whenever he did his homework before coming over, when he won a game against your rival middle school, when he first walked into a Victoria’s Secret with you when you were both sixteen. “You’re doing amazing, Koo,” you always teased and giggled, the sound gradually mellowing out over the years. 

Just a couple weeks ago he remembers hearing the sound from the bottom of a ladder, dragged into decorating the student center with you for the new school year straight out of practice. He had been tired, so absolutely drained from the drills that day, but it was impossible to say no when you had caught him across the student center, eyes lighting up at the mere sight of Jungkook’s sweaty form. 

“I’m running for student president this year,” you had told him (so it was the student council), the tall windows that lined the building’s walls allowing a ray of sunlight to settle down over you. It had made Jungkook halt for a second, heartbeat skipping one dangerous beat when you descended down, placed a hand on his shoulder the closer you got. “Vote for me, please?” 

“Yeah,” he had breathed, felt like the entire world was too small to fit the growing feeling in his chest. 

And it’s with that memory that Jungkook reaches his third and final realization of the afternoon, an accumulation of all the prior ones: how was he, a virgin, supposed to casually take his best friend’s virginity when he was so terribly, irrevocably smitten with said best friend? 

“Oh… fuck,” he groans, slumping down until he’s practically sprawled over the floor, startling Namjoon and Jimin as they enter the gymnasium. Jimin scolds him for scaring them, but Jungkook is so deep in his wallowing that he barely hears. 

He was in trouble.

Copyright © 2021, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[hiraphane]

Things in Fire Emblem: Three Houses that after 200+ hours still never fail to get to me (word vomit incoming):

When you’re sprinting around the monastery at the speed of light, the number of NPCs that exclaim “what the-?!” as you nyoom past them

“Please do not eat the weeds”

Sylvain’s pick-up formula that becomes incredibly apparent when you’re catching up on his support scenes with the girls - “Hey [name], you look really cute when you’re [activity/mood].”

Felix’s disdain for his father. Idk if I’m projecting but something about him unabashedly tearing his father a new one every time they see each other is incredibly therapeutic for me. Honestly, just listening to Felix verbally eviscerate people in general is incredibly satisfying. Go OFF on them, Fe!

The dramatic irony and humor that can be had/found on subsequent playthroughs when you know Seteth and Flayn’s full backstories. So many little things that I didn’t think twice about my first run are suddenly hilarious. (”Which [Saint] is your favorite, Professor?” I know your game, fish girl)

Upside down Claude memes

Hilda absolutely DESTROYING the entire enemy force and then complaining that she’s a delicate flower and the battlefield is no place for her like HONEY YOU’RE A TANK, EMBRACE IT

Placing Dedue in a choke point and activating his trait skill, then watching and laughing as people try and fail to barrel through this impassable mountain of a man, usually killing themselves in the process.

“Stay away!” Bernadetta screams in terror before absolutely erasing a man/woman/otherwise from existence.

“Burn until we meet again.”

“It’s all becoming clearer.”

Literally any and all of Sylvain’s kill/level quotes. He’s carried my dumb ass through so many battles I could probably recite them all in my sleep

How I never fail to - out loud - say “Thot” every time Sylvain’s “Be gone” kill line plays

The much more obscure reference of me - out loud - asking “For combat?” every time Ashe announces “I must steel myself!”

Feral Dimitri

“You lost to ME?” / “*sigh* and I didn’t even enjoy it.” / “You overestimated yourself.” - These are just some of the ones that come immediately to mind, but imagine, if you will, being absolutely destroyed by a pink haired loli or a sleepy wizard or an otherwise very delicate looking high school aged child and then hearing - as you pull in your last dying breath - them say that to you, as they stand over your mangled body. Seriously, these children are fucking savages.

How Sylvain, despite bitching and moaning about crest babies his entire support chain, will inevitably have boatloads of children if you get him a paired ending with a female character. I know his hypothetical family is a product of love not careful breeding, but it’s just hilarious to me. This man went from being pathologically terrified of / disgusted by the idea of continuing his family tree to adding entire branches to it. What an absolute Lad.

Sylvain and Felix’s paired endings. I love my boys so much.

Dedue and Mercedes’ paired ending / Dedue and Byleth’s paired ending. They’re the only Dedue endings I’ve seen so I can’t speak for any of his other endings, but they’re so damn wholesome they make me wanna die.

How much I relate to Bernadetta

How Edelgard goes from “stone cold bitch” to “useless lesbian” depending on whether you go Black Eagles or not

Hubert’s sense of humor. The number of times this man has startled me into a fit of laughter with his dry wit is insane.

Manuela and Hanneman’s bickering

Just how fucking broken Mercedes is as a healer. She heals herself 100% of the health she heals other people AND she can use Physic (meaning she can heal from a distance, which end-game essentially allows her to heal from across the map) WHO ALLOWED THIS ABSOLUTE LASS TO EXIST AND CAN I MARRY THEM????

Dancer Felix / Hubert. What can I say? I like my Dancers feral or otherwise vapid as fuck.

Trickster Dorothea, AKA the embodiment of my gay thirst. Get Dancer Thea outta here, Trickster Thea is where its at.

Hapi. Just Hapi.

LET ME MARRY HAPI AS A FEMC IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE

Mercedes being a gigantic troll and nobody being able to tell if it's intentional or she's just oblivious

Petra and Cyril’s supports and their paired ending. The way they promise “forever and ever” and Cyril doesn’t even stop to think about where Rhea will be during that “forever” is just *chef’s kiss* (literally any support where Cyril doesn’t mention Rhea is *chef’s kiss*)

“IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?!”

Just how fucking offended Ferdinand gets when you try to give a lost item to him but it isn’t his. Like chill out man it wasn’t a concentrated attack on your noble honor, I was literally just asking to be nice and cover my bases.

Lorenz and Leoni’s meal dialogue - “Ugh, you sound like my mother...”

“I lost my brother to bandits... is something I’m sure somebody’s said at some point.” On my first playthrough that was such a YIKES joke from Sylvain, but now when I play I just feel bad because that was him trying to open up and be serious and then he immediately chickened out and backpedaled and came off as a total ass because of it. (I know Miklan didn’t die to bandits, but he ran off to be a bandit and to Sylvain I feel like that might as well be the same thing. Also can we talk about how Sylvain still obviously cares about his brother even though he literally TRIED TO KILL HIM MULTIPLE TIMES THROUGHOUT THEIR CHILDHOOD AND WAS RAMPANTLY ABUSIVE TO HIM, PLEASE SOMEBODY HUG MY BOY!!!!)

Dimitri being the literal hulk and struggling not to break everything he touches

Dorothea and Marianne having themselves listed under their dislikes like BABIES PLEASE LOVE YOURSELVES

The percentage of students who have “ghosts” somewhere on their likes or dislikes. Why are they so relevant? 

How you can infer Edelgard’s entire backstory from her dislikes

“GREETINGS, PROFESSOR!”

Yuri and Hubert literally threatening to kill Byleth and me looking around like John Travolta every time like “DID ANYBODY HEAR THAT?!?!?!?!”

Me holding Dedue, Felix, and post TS Dimitri back by the scruffs of their necks as they desperately try to solo every map I deploy them on. Like BOYS, please, contain your murder. I know they attacked you first, but the second line needs EXP too.

Forming a protective circle around Dedue during the attack on Enbarr in Verdant Wind, like if ANYTHING happens to my boy I WILL divine pulse don’t fucking test me (PS Dedue, if you could stop charging ahead and pay attention to my carefully constructed plan of attack, that’d be great)

Edelgard’s little ax twirl on her victory screen

“I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR!”

[donnerpartyofone]

idk if you've talked about it, probably have. but if you don't mind to again, ketamine injections for depression? did it work? was it expensive? how long did it work for? ty.

dang, i never got a notification for this message. sorry! ketamine absolutely worked for the management of my depression, it was very expensive, and i think i would have needed more for it to become a longer term solution. i may still go back in the future if my lifestyle changes, but for right now, i can’t justify the cost--which is an insane thing to say when what i’m paying for is freedom from hurting myself, but, ya know, CAPITALISM. 

the whole story is, i’ve been severely depressed my whole entire life; i don’t have any memories that don’t involve feeling morbidly upset, and i can remember things pretty sharply from the time i was slightly younger than 2.* i took ketamine recreationally some years ago when i was around 30 (i wasn’t adventurous about substances until i reached about that age), and i was totally astounded by how it affected my depression both during, and for weeks after the experience. it seemed to distance me from the oppressively immediacy of my bad feelings, giving me space to actually THINK about what was really bothering me, what kind of control i could have over how i assign importance and authority to things that don’t serve me, and what i might like my life to be like in the future. so, when i found out that there were ketamine clinics in new york, i kind of freaked out. actually, i found out about it from a guy who i met on an ayahuasca retreat upstate (which is its own hilariously mortifying story that i’ve been trying to write down for years and it keeps turning into a big unwieldy novel), who had been through the entire gamut of treatments for major depressive disorder. he liked his ketamine experience, but admitted that it was prohibitively expensive to keep up.

this is the place i went, and i recommend it to anyone who can afford it:

nyketamine.com

they say that they accept patients selectively, if you have treatment-resistant depression. i don’t know how strict they are about that, because by the time i came to them, i was looking pretty treatment-resistant. i’d been in and out of a few shrinks’ offices, and i’m basically incapable of taking any of the usual antidepressants because of how they affect other conditions i have. the process was, i filled out a request form on their website, and in a day or two, a clinician called to interview me over the phone about the character of my depression, and to gather some other anecdotal information about my history and health. the person i spoke to was very kind, attentive, and reassuring. the following day, someone called to set my first appointment. the whole reason i was able to do this is because of some inheritance that i received at the time; it’s $450 a session, and they suggest (or insist? i’m not sure) that you begin with a minimum of 6 sessions, each of them 2 days apart. after that, you just kind of monitor yourself to see when you think you need pickup sessions; the effect is cumulative and long term. i have no idea if they have any type of sliding scale accommodation, it could be worth asking.

when i went in for my first session, i had a brief interview with the head doctor, a navy veteran and anesthesiologist who had been working with ketamine in various capacities for 50 years. he explained a lot of things that i had no idea about, that were great to learn. periods of prolonged stress, especially while your brain is still developing, can result in a deficit of the neural pathways that you need to experience a full range of emotion; essentially, being chronically depressed and anxious can kind of give you brain damage. if you have that type of problem, it doesn’t matter what you do to try to boost your serotonin or dopamine or whatever; it’s like if you’re trying to get somewhere in your car and you can’t, not because you’re out of gas, but because the bridge is out. for some reason, ketamine switches back on the function that builds those pathways, so with regular therapeutic applications, you can actually heal the structural problem around your mood centers that’s reducing your emotional range to anxiety and depression. if you’re over 60 or so and your brain is less plastic, your chances of success aren’t as good as when you’re younger, but there’s always a chance; also, for some reason, ketamine plays especially well with estrogen, so women have a bit of a leg up. anyway, the doctor was great, and i really liked everyone there; it felt like they all knew they were doing something meaningful.

the sessions themselves are pleasant. they put you in a private room in a big cushy medical chair with a blanket and a pillow, and you let them know if you want the lights on or off. they give you an IV drip that lasts roughly an hour, and they communicate with you to figure out the dosage. you basically just tell them what feels comfortable, if the dosage they start you on is too low to notice. you won’t get something that puts you in a K hole, but you should enter a gentle dissociative state where you feel a little numb and floaty, and you might have a lot of interesting abstract thoughts. the worst part of it is just how bad you have to pee by the time the drip is done, when you’re still feeling a little anesthetized; sometimes i wound up looking at the bag with my flashlight to check if i had finished, and then i’d just press the call button to get them to come unplug me before i pissed my pants.

you’re not supposed to necessarily notice a difference right away, but you should detect a change in mood after a few weeks. i did. the way my disorder works is, most days i just have a low level background radiation of sadness and exhaustion, even on a “good day” when things are working out or i’m distracted by things i enjoy. when i wake up in the morning and realize i’m conscious and the time for sleep is over, my first feeling is disappointment, 100% of the time. then, i’d say roughly once a month or once every couple of months, i have a complete nervous collapse where i’m in so much pain i can’t really do anything but like drool and cry and let my eyes go out of focus, for anywhere from 1-7 days. there will usually be an apparent trigger; i’m a fairly dysfunctional person, and i frequently lose things, break things, and fuck things up even though i like STUDIED to do them, took it slow, asked for help, gave myself extra time, etc. but the thing is, i think the “trigger” is arbitrary, this is just a cyclic psychic event that builds up and waits to happen. but after my first battery of ketamine treatments, i had a particular day when i could tell that normally, i would quickly wind up curled up at the bottom of my bathtub scream-crying until i couldn’t move--and this time, i managed to just push through. not only did i not break down, but i actually got a number of difficult chores done, that i had put off because they seemed too intimidating, or like i wouldn’t be able to mentally handle my inevitable failure. i noticed more and more of that, while i was in proximity to the treatments, an ability to just buckle down and keep going. so it’s not like i felt HAPPIER or something, but i felt much more capable of coping, which was like a miracle honestly.

it’s been about 3.5 months since i last went in, and i think i could use a booster appointment, but as i said i just can’t fit it in with my financial reality right now. so, that sucks. but, i definitely feel that it was worth doing, and i would recommend it to anyone who can shoulder the cost. hopefully in the future, ketamine will become a much more common psychiatric treatment, and it will become available to more and more patients.

*A friend of mine just told me he read somewhere that you don’t actually recall memories from like 20 years ago, you just remember the last time you recalled them--so like, i THINK i remember my parents struggling to give me drops for pink eye in our first apartment when i was about 1.5 years old, but in reality, i just remember the last time i remembered it, or the earliest time i’m able to remember remembering it. pretty interesting! and kind of disturbing, like the idea that star trek-type teleporters don’t actually transport a person, they just DESTROY the original person and rebuild a new one on the other end, a thought that REALLY BOTHERS ME.

[bryonysimcox]

Four wheel driving, van repairing and living slowly: Week 6, Spain

It was a week mostly spent in a cottage in the hills, editing films, fixing the van and exploring Iberic villages. It was a week of taking things slow. Here’s my round-up of week six on the road.

By far, this has been the least ‘eventful’ week on the road. By that I mean we haven’t done loads and loads of travelling around, exploring or seeing lots of different stuff. But it has made me realise two things. Firstly, the reality of vanlife is that there will always be weeks like this one just past, where we knuckle down with work and van admin. And secondly, that time is the greatest asset of all.

Living slowly is a revelation.

I’ve always been the kind of person who tries to cram as many things as possible into a  day. Even if I’ve got a spare ten minutes, rather than just chill out I’ll look for any small job or activity I can do to ‘make the most of’ that time. The downside of this approach is that you’re always rushing around, you sometimes don’t give a task or activity the attention it deserves, and you’re often late because you never quite finish one thing before another pops up!

Life on the road feels like a therapeutic process which is deconditioning me from being so busy all the time. Rather than thinking about the next job I need to do or how I could make something even more time-efficient, I’m taking things one by one and really relishing activities which I might’ve previously avoided because they were ‘indulgent’ or slow. That has meant reading more books, cooking, and this week even playing my violin (which I promised myself I’d play, given that we’ve brought it all this way!). It has also meant reaching out to friends and family, and being there for others.

(image) ‘It’s okay, I’m right behind you’, my latest collage for Analogue Bryony which was made in the Barraca.

I think there’s something in the ‘slow movement’ that we should all consider. In the modern world, the idea that time is the most valuable resource we have and that we should indulge ourselves in it has been replaced by the idea that time is money and efficiency is king. It’s kind of scary that I’ve had to embark on a trip like this to see how wrong that is, and to unburden myself from being a slave to efficiency.

Spending solid days and long hours working on filmmaking and admin for Broaden makes day trips and adventures even sweeter when they come.

On Thursday, I insisted that we get out and about. Even though we have spent most of the week staying in the ‘Baraca’ (the small cottage in last week’s post), George transformed the van parked on the driveway into his own editing office and practically locked himself in there from 9am - 8pm most days. By Thursday, I was keen to explore the region around us, and George was keen to test Suzi’s 4x4 abilities, so we headed north, up towards the Iberic villages of Ullastret, Peratallada and Palau-Sator.

It was only thanks to recommendations from a family friend that we found the villages, as they were tiny settlements away from the coast. We took some pretty sketchy roads to get there, but were really impressed by how well the van can handle off-road situations, especially when put into four wheel drive. Suzi the HiAce has selectable 4WD, which means that she’s only in 4WD when you switch a button and go outside, twisting the locking hubs on the front two wheels. This manual 80s style approach may seem antequated, but so far seems pretty foolproof and means that we can cruise along in 2WD most of the time when it suits.

(images) A pretty fun morning of proving Suzi’s off-road abilities!

A series of fortified medieval towns with narrow streets and stone buildings, the Iberic villages were utterly charming.

Ullastret, Peratallada and Palau-Sator all had a similar urban structure, with an old town wall and circular street pattern. Churches, markets, towers and prisons were some of the key historic buildings, and Peratallada even had a castle situated in its core. Ullastret was perhaps my favourite, not least because so many of the modified buildings featured beautifully-designed and understated architectural interventions. It was definitely apparent that Catalunya is a wealthy region, because even civic elements like street lamps, bins, railings and paving stones are well-designed and well-made, carefully crafted to remain in-keeping with the impressive historic setting.

(images) The historic Iberic villages: peaceful and charming.

(images) Sophisticated architectural detailing characterised these towns.

From the villages, we headed east to find one of the famous beaches along the Costa Brava - a beach I’d been recommended called ‘Aigua Blava’. We’ve had so many great travel recommendations, and surprisingly many of them have been from Australian acquaintances (it really is true that you Aussies see a lot of Europe when you visit this part of the world!). Aigua Blava lived up to its name, with aquamarine water framed on both sides by fancy hilltop houses and a small sandy beach. Unspoilt by the tourists of summer season, we practically had the whole beach to ourselves. Of course, I had to go in for a swim too.

Wild swimming feels like another part of living ‘slowly’ and of being present. It’s my way of connecting with my surroundings, of celebrating the natural world and the incredible opportunity George and I have to explore these places.

(image) Another wild swim in the bag, still cold this time of year but the stunning setting of Aigua Blava made up for it.

On the note of celebrating the natural world, I’ve been determined to spend as much time as I can outside. That said, it can still be pretty chilly here in Spain even though it’s been really sunny. Whilst George spent most of the week putting the final touches into the running documentary in his van-office, I stubbornly insisted on working on my laptop outside, on the porch in front of the cottage and wrapped up in lots of layers! From my ‘outdoor office’ I wrapped up some graphic design for the running documentary (artwork to be released soon), researched film festivals to enter it into (any recommendations welcome), and pitched our videography services to countless potential clients.

(images, left to right) George editing in his van office, me wearing all the necessary gear to be working outside, and the grape vines which surrounded our cottage.

Launching a videography channel and company can feel like a bit of a daunting task, but I’m generally finding that George and I have a lot of complementary skills. It’s really nice having someone to bounce ideas off, and the more we produce, film and edit together, the more we can learn from each other and fill in the gaps of our knowledge. I know it feels like every week I say we have video content coming soon, but I really can’t wait to release some stuff to show you all. That said, filmmaking is a time-consuming process and in the name of living slowly, I’m going to embrace taking as long as we need to get the videos ready!

Sunday was our last day at the cottage and saw us dedicate our time and energy to Suzi the van.

There had been a growing ‘to do’ list for the van, and so we finally set about getting it done - cleaning her out and fixing her up. It’s hard to admit it after the painful van-building process, but George and I have realised we actually really miss having a building project on the go. We both love making things, and are already plotting future tiny-houses and electric campervan conversions (yep, just six weeks into this trip…!). So on Sunday, it was all hands on deck. I cleaned the floor and all the drawers and shelves, which collect dust and dirt so quickly. I also installed some latches on cupboard doors, which have been propelling themselves open when we drive around corners.

Meanwhile, George set about replacing the headlights and reversing lights with LED bulbs. A few had blown, so we decided that if we were going to try and take off the light clusters, we might as well upgrade all the bulbs for brighter ones at the same time. The light clusters are an absolute pain to take off, and involve removing the grill and other parts (confusing construction seems to be a trend for 90s Japanese car design). Unfortunately the bulbs we had ordered for the rear lights and the fog lights weren’t the right fit, so those two are a job for the future.

George also fitted an LED light bar below the rear bumper so that we can see more with the reversing camera, and it worked first time! It’s so cool how many different types of LEDs there are on the market these days and how affordable they are. With a little bit of electrical knowledge you can do a lot of lighting modifications.

(images, left to right) Replacing old (and dim) bulbs, removing the headlight units to get to the bulbs, and George working underneath the van to wire up our new reversing light.

Ready to hit the road again, we rounded the week off by heading south towards Valencia.

Valencia is our next destination, but we plan on splitting the journey over a few days. The first leg involved us skirting around Barcelona, naïvely taking the ‘no toll road’ option which involved a huge detour and some insane elevation. The price of the toll would’ve probably been less than the time (and fuel) spent slogging up towards Manresa at about 40MPH! Nonetheless, we battled the hills and some insane winds and finally made it back to the coastal road.

Late Monday afternoon we stopped at Torredembarra and wandered along the beach. Eerily quiet, it seems this area is popular with holidaymakers through peak season and almost abandoned off-peak. We only stayed for about an hour, walking against strong winds with a beer in hand and photographing repetitive apartment block designs. It is the curious places like this that make travelling by road so worth it, because you can stop by for a short stay and see the in-between places, places just as locals see them, and places in their off-peak state.

(images) Golden hour scenes from the empty beachfront of Torredembarra.

It feels great to be living in the van again. We had a marvellous stay at the cottage near Palamós, but Suzi is our home, wherever that may be. I’m going to carry on living slowly and take each day as it comes.

Next week, Valencia.

[vatrixsta]

Pierced (2/?)

Siiiiigh all of your lovely comments on part 1 have forced me into this course I wanted to take anyway and I just hope you’re proud of yourself. Shout out to @csmarchmadness for the always handy gun to the head - all the ladies there are awesome and I enjoy stalking their conversations when I finally get online again at my obscene times of day and night. :D I’m going to try to update this with some regularity, so I hope you enjoy! And we’re off. 

Also on AO3

Emma had to cancel this date that was absolutely not a date.

There was just no possible way it was a good idea, date or no date. Not only were his eyes too blue and his smile too bright and his hands too… perfect when they touched hers, but she wouldn’t even be able to ruin it quickly by sleeping with him too fast because of the fucking piercing she gave him.

She was feeding Henry an incredibly nutritious dinner of Spaghettios and carrot sticks (he was going through a phase where he hated basically everything and at least she was still getting carrot sticks past his rapidly shrinking palette) when she realized that she didn’t actually have Killian’s number and would have to figure something out tomorrow, maybe ask Ruby to run interference. Except Ruby wouldn’t, the whore, because she wanted Emma to make nice with the Sex God.

She was making sure Henry took a bath (six year old boys would pay almost any price to continue smelling like street urchins, she’d found) when it occurred to her that despite his flirtations, it was possible he didn’t intend for it to be a date. Maybe he really did just want her to design a tattoo for him and he was pleased with her professionalism and artwork. God that would be embarrassing, if she told him she couldn’t go out with him and he basically responded with, who asked you?

She was halfway through reading Henry his favorite book of fairy tales when she realized all the princes (and a few of the pirates) suddenly had blue eyes and British accents in her head and you know what, that’s enough for tonight, Henry, light’s out and I’ll see you in the morning, love bug.

She was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, when she remembered he’d had to fill out the consent form for the procedure and would have had to put his number on there. If she got to work early enough, she could go into the client files she wasn’t supposed to snoop in unless an actual emergency occurred and tell him she was dying or moving to Yemen or anything that would stop this train before it ran straight over her heart.

She was waking up with a groan and Henry’s knee connecting with her pelvis when she realized that the idea of canceling this date that was definitely, absolutely not a date actually bummed her out. It was lunch and he was nice. She could design a tattoo for him -- he’d tipped her extremely well for the piercing -- and maybe finally be able to afford that new video game console upgrade Henry had been not so subtly hinting at for Christmas, which meant there were only fifty-two more shopping days until Black Friday.

She was walking Henry to the school bus, teasing him about the crush he had on a little blonde girl his age that he swore was not a crush at all, that they were going to be best friends forever and she just wanted to kiss his his precious little cheek so she did, glad that he only scrunched his face a little in distaste, when she seriously considered that she might be losing her mind. It wasn’t normal to think about someone you’d just met this much, to obsess over a virtual stranger (if you could consider someone whose cock you’d pierced with a 12 gauge barbell a stranger) to this degree. She definitely, absolutely had to cancel.

“His paperwork? Oh, yeah, I threw it out. I was drinking coffee while I filed last night and, well. Oopsie.”

Fucking Ruby.

Sending her friend and boss a glare that clearly communicated I do not believe you, you lying whore and glaring harder when Ruby’s unrepentant grin widened, Emma left the back office area and stomped over to her station for the only therapeutic option left to her: sketching.

The small notebook she used was the ninth of its kind since she’d started working at Red, White and Tattoo. She kept them all, tucked behind her little book of cocks, as Killian had referred to it (OHMYGOD STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!!) and filled with some sketches that had turned into elaborate pieces that decorated backs and wrists and ankles and every other body part conceivable to little half finished works she’d never fully cracked. There were also incredibly personal drawings she’d asked Ruby to ink on her own skin -- Emma had done the buttercup herself, but it was a process she’d rather not repeat.

Killian had said he’d be by to collect her at 12:30. It was currently 10:00 and Emma was praying someone would take advantage of the early bird special so she’d have something else to focus on.

After straightening up her station (twice) and sketching an elaborate oceanscape (she refused to actually color it; she knew the waves would match his eyes as well as her supplies could manage she did not need this fuckery) Emma was ready to crawl out of her skin, pissed at herself and Killian for getting her into this state. This was why she had her rules! This was why the last date she’d gone on had been a hit it and quit it one night stand with the dorky guy who’d sold them the front desk display case. That had been... three years ago? Oh, Christ. No wonder she was insane now.

Killian was thoughtfully fifteen minutes early, as he if he could sense his date was crawling out of her skin. He entered the shop with that wide, easy smile on his face and Emma forced a smile of her own that she hoped didn’t look too forced, because she didn’t want him to take her jittery mood personally even though it was 100% his fault.

Ushering them quickly out the door (she didn’t want to risk another embarrassing moment with Ruby playing the world’s most obvious matchmaker) Emma asked where they were eating.

“There’s a place I like to go, down by the water,” he said, adorably rubbing at the back of his right ear. “It’s probably the last of the nice weather for the year so I thought we could walk?”

“Sure,” Emma said, stuffing her hands in her pockets so she wouldn’t be tempted to do something stupid like reach for his.

They fell into a slightly awkward silence that actually should have been a lot more awkward, given they didn’t know each other too well.

“Robin - my partner? - he was shocked speechless I actually went through with it,” Killian said after a few quiet minutes.

“Are you following the after care instructions?” Emma said, probably a lot more sternly than was necessary.

“Yes, Mistress,” Killian teased.

Emma rolled her eyes. “You’d be surprised how many people blow it off,” she muttered. “An infected piercing is never fun. An infected genital piercing?”

“Emma, you have my word that I shall heed your every instruction,” he said, both teasing and serious at the same time. How did he do that?

They arrived at a seafood place Emma had been dying to try but always found other uses for her paycheck - luxuries like new winter boots for Henry and electricity.

“Um, this place is a little fancy,” she said, looking down at her work outfit of dark wash denim jeans, white tank top and red leather jacket.

Killian indicated his own attire - black jeans that were a little less tight than the ones he’d worn yesterday (a good sign he was obeying her instructions), a dark blue t-shirt and a black leather jacket of his own that looked more suited to riding a motorcycle than catching criminals, but what did she know?

“Casual dress at lunch,” he assured her. “To die for lobster rolls.”

Emma mentally calculated how much a lobster roll would set back her food budget as Killian placed his hand on her lower back and urged her into the restaurant.

She was going to have to make a rule about him not being allowed to touch her because her brain short circuited and she suddenly couldn’t recall what a budget was or how one accommodated for it.

They were seated at a table by the water and the view really was spectacular, the horizon a calming sight Emma was desperately in need of. Killian had good table manners (because of course he did), filling her water glass from the bottle their server left on the table before he attended to his own, confirming with her that the lobster roll sounded good (it really, really, really did) before ordering for them both. He added a pitcher of fresh blueberry lemonade for them to split, promising her it was not to be missed. Emma’s eyes bugged at the prices but she decided to give herself this afternoon with an unfairly attractive man who genuinely seemed to like her and wanted her to eat lobster rolls with him. There was plenty of time for reality to come crashing down when she couldn’t smell the sea and watch the flickers of sunlight play in Killian’s eyes the exact same way it did on the waves.

She tried this once, the dating someone new thing. Neal had pretty much decimated the part of her brain (and her heart) capable of trusting, but she thought, maybe there was a guy out there who’d remind her they weren’t all like Neal. (Never mind that she still remembered what it had been like at the start, her and him against the world, the mischievous flicker in Henry’s eyes reminding her that she could never really hate him the way she wanted to, because the best parts of him were like a gift every time she looked at her little boy.)

Once she got settled into work at the tattoo shop, she’d gone on a few dates, Ruby and Mulan eagerly offering to babysit toddler Henry. There had been five - maybe six? - guys total and every single one of them had been visibly deflated by the news that the hot 20-year-old blonde had a kid at home. Though the one she disliked the most had been the guy who’d feigned interest in Henry so he could sleep with her.

Emma realized that she really wasn’t looking forward to watching that disappointment cross Killian’s face. No one expected the hot (now 24) year old blonde who worked at the tattoo shop to have a kid. She suspected Killian was a little older than her (she’d have put him around 30 given his job and the slight laugh lines around his eyes) but she knew a single mom wasn’t exactly a highly sought dating prospect. She just felt shitty not telling him about Henry, when he was the best thing that had ever happened to her, just so she could, what? Enjoy a hot guy eating a lobster roll?

Yeah, okay, so maybe a little bit that. Besides, it wasn’t going to go anywhere. He didn’t need to know about her life because this was a friendly meal and she was supposed to be asking him about his tattoo not picturing him naked (and she could. From the waist down, at least, all dark hair and lean muscle and definitely a shower, not a grower--STOP IT EMMA) and nervously peeling a bread roll.

“Luv?”

Emma blinked. “Sorry, what?”

Killian smiled, but it was a little forced. “I, uh, suppose you were woolgathering.”

Great and now she’d been so lost in her social anxiety that she’d completely missed him speaking to her. If this were a date, she’d have pretty much blown it.

“I don’t get much time out by the water,” she said a little lamely. “I don’t get much time out, period,” she added ruefully.

“Workaholic?” he asked.

“Sort of,” she hedged. She took a lot of shifts at work to earn enough money to keep her and Henry far from the poorhouse. Ruby’s grandmother lived in the same building and watched Henry after school most days. She also let him stay over when the shop stayed open late on the weekends. There was a little sleeping bag zone in back dubbed Henry’s corner that he’d filled with books and toys and the oldest of his handheld video games. “What about you?”

There, that was nice and sociable.

“I enjoy my work,” Killian said. “But I have other… priorities that keep me from the workaholic label. Which, I suppose, brings us nicely to the subject of this lunch.”

Right. Not a date. He wanted a tattoo and she’d broken Rule #2 for him.

She gave him a professional smile. “Tell me a little bit about what you’re looking for.”

His lips pursed in thought for a moment, then he shrugged. “I suppose that’s part of the problem. I know what I want it to convey and I know the meaning behind it, but I’m not sure I know what symbol will best represent it to permanently ink on my body.”

Her smile turned a little more personal, because she could relate. Her buttercup was easy - the other tattoos she’d had were a little less… on the nose and direct. It had taken her months to settle on them. “Why don’t we try this. Tell me why you want it and some of the ideas you’ve had and I’ll do my job to get you some sketches to narrow it down.”

He puffed his cheeks out like an adorable chipmunk with no idea how attractive it was. Damn it, she was so screwed.

“Brilliant.” He reached into a satchel and pulled out an old, battered copy of Peter Pan, then set it before her almost reverently.

“Okay,” she said slowly. “Big fan?”

His smile widened. “My brother and I read the tale a great deal during our childhood - he’s older, so some of my earliest memories are the little crush he always had on Wendy Darling.”

Emma laughed. “And you?”

Killian shrugged. “I’ve always preferred the company of real women.”

“Yeah, that’s just about what I’d figure you’d say,” she muttered. Damn chipmunk knew exactly how attractive he was.

“Though I confess, the last few years, there’s really only been the one woman in my life,” he added.

That confession definitely gave Emma pause. If he had a girlfriend -- a steady one at that -- it meant this was definitely just a business thing and she was suddenly mortified at the idea that she’d tried to call off a date that wasn’t even a date. That was what mortification felt like, right? That vice like grip around her heart that felt like disappointment and the death of some possibility, some flutter of perhaps when you met someone new?

“And is that lucky lady the other inspiration for the tattoo?” Emma asked, swallowing down the disappointment - because that was exactly what it was. She should have been used to it by now.

His smile didn’t widen - it glowed. Emma kind of wanted to vomit, which was perfect timing, because the lobster rolls were delivered by their efficient but discreet waiter. The blueberry lemonade was spectacular, too, damn the charming chipmunk who was obviously not available.

He’d said he was though, hadn’t he? When they’d been talking about his after care for the piercing? She could have sworn he’d said he didn’t have to worry about any sexual partners! She wasn’t so delusional that she’d made that up.

She was about to open her mouth and say something stupid and accusatory like how dare you get a single mom’s hopes up even though I’m not really interested because I’m an emotional cripple, but seriously how dare you sir - when his phone went off.

“Damn it,” he muttered as he stared down at a text. “I’m so sorry, it’s an emergency at work - please, enjoy the food and feel free to wrap mine up and take it with you.” He was waving the waiter down and scrolling through his phone. “Are you busy tomorrow night? A mate of mine is playing at a pub and I promised I’d go, but we can discuss this a bit more then. I’ll be much less likely to be called in at night, as well.” He shot her a charming grin and she was so dazzled that she forgot all her questions and simply rattled off her phone number. He responded by sending her two emojis, one that was lifting its eyebrow and the other giving her a cheesy grin.

Seriously, who the hell did he think he was?

Then he was gone and a few seconds later she got another text with an address and the time of 7:30, tomorrow night.

She was going to have to ask Granny to watch Henry, because apparently she was a total idiot for this guy. He’d left the copy of Peter Pan so at the very least she’d need to return it to him, since it meant so much.

When the waiter returned to ask if she’d like anything else, Emma had another moment of panic - she was going to have to pay for both of their lobster rolls. But when she said she’d only like to go containers and a check, the waiter said Killian had taken care of the bill on his way out.

Sneaky, multitasking little profiler - Emma took a grudging bite of her lobster roll, then couldn’t quite muffle an involuntary moan. It was amazing and she wasn’t above gloating a little that she would get to have his for dinner. He may have a girlfriend that was getting a loving and thoughtful tattoo out of him (even though she could have sworn he said he didn’t have one) but Emma could re-prioritize. She could enjoy spending some time with a very attractive man who was apparently willing to buy her delicious food in exchange for said time while she got to design a beautiful piece of art for him.

That was the definition of win-win.

So why did she feel vaguely shitty about the whole thing?

She texted him back anyway, with a thumbs up emoji. Then she started flipping through Peter Pan while she carefully kept her lobster roll hand separate from her page turning one.

Another text dinged on her phone. Killian - yes, she’d added him to her contacts, so what, shut up.

Great! Really sorry I had to run out on you - I should warn you, this does tend to happen a fair bit. So please don’t take it personally - you are as lovely and charming as a bloke could hope for and I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.

Seriously, who texted like that? Who had a right to be so thoughtful and flirty but not over the line flirty and perfect and apparently have a girlfriend even though he definitely said he did not have one?!

Emma took an angry bite of her lobster roll.

And responded with another thumbs up text.

[theonyxpath]

Last week, I had a great interview with the guys from the Everybody Loves Pudding podcast, and since their questions started with the early days with White Wolf and being a Magic card artist and led right through the CCP years to V5 and its several controversies, I thought this week that I’d go over a couple of questions folks have been throwing at us that relate to the whole ownership and licensing thing. And the difference between those two kinds of business deals.

(As soon as the Pudding guys are ready to post the interview, I’ll share the links with all of you. Mmmm, I sure do like pudding, Cotton).

I recently saw online somebody asking how CCP being bought was going to affect us and White Wolf and the WW game lines.

So, first, if you missed the news: CCP, the company that used to own White Wolf and who tried to create a World of Darkness MMO, but who ultimately sold WW to Paradox, who then recreated White Wolf as a company and created Vampire 5th Edition, were themselves bought by a bigger computer game company out of Korea or China.

Wow, that was still pretty convoluted, wasn’t it? Let’s try bullet points:

The original White Wolf, after years of creating great games lines, merges with/is bought by CCP, an Icelandic MMO company.

CCP licenses the rights to create tabletop RPGs for WoD, Chronicles of Darkness, and Exalted, to my new company, Onyx Path. The license means we don’t own those lines, we “just” make TTRPG books for them. They sell all the rights to Scion, the Trinity game lines, and the Scarred Lands to Onyx Path, as well, so we do own them and can call all the shots for them.

After years of trying to create a WoD MMO, and failing, CCP sells everything they have left that is White Wolf to Paradox Interactive, a Swedish computer game company. CCP at this point has no further ownership or connection to anything once created by White Wolf.

Paradox spins off a company named White Wolf that they intend to use to build the World of Darkness into the most recognized and coolest horror Intellectual Property in the world. They intend to do this by matching the right creators with the right projects via licensing.

This White Wolf continues with Onyx Path‘s license to create tabletop RPGs, but decides to create the newest edition of the WoD game lines, starting with Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition, themselves and let other licensees, like Onyx Path, publish V5 books as well.

CCP is bought by a bigger computer game company and because they sold everything White Wolf years ago, they have no connection to and their be bought has no effect on anything White Wolf related today. Or on Onyx Path in any way. Although, we do all wish them luck and a great future!

This corporate stuff does get complicated, don’t it?

      Dragon-Blooded art by Melissa Uran

    You might wonder why I can wish the crew at CCP good luck after all the upset that happened during the WoD MMO years – many of us still have flashbacks to the endless “stand-up” team meetings, and the sit-down management meetings weren’t much better – but without them licensing the WW game lines to us, Onyx Path would have had a very, very, tough time starting as a TTRPG publisher.

That gave us the boost of awareness and continuity with the old WW community that allowed us to build Onyx up and experiment on game-lines and business options that has enabled us to keep growing. So, yeah, I am grateful for that. And honestly, even with these great WW licenses, there are still many struggles that we’ve surmounted.

Contrary to some belief, and something that some other companies are learning, having a well-known and much loved TTRPG gameline is not a license to print money. Although good online gaming representation helps a lot, these days!

I used those bullet points to answer a few of the other questions, too, like “Why isn’t White Wolf doing more books themselves?” and “Did Onyx Path lose the White Wolf license? I see all these other companies involved!”.

A fair bit of the confusion, once you get past the corporate buy-outs and license definitions is just that White Wolf now isn’t functioning like we did in the first White Wolf. Which is really good, because back then, we were just making stuff up as we went along!

    M20 Gods and Monsters art by Michael Gaydos

    Now, for some quick notes from our Monday Meeting today.

First, Eddy Webb let us in on his iThrive retreat and “think tank” that he attended at the end of last week. Eddy shared a lot of notes on how to professionals and academics are viewing TTRPGs as learning, teaching, and therapeutic tools. Like I said at the meeting, it is really fascinating to hear analysis and data that confirms a lot of the ways we’ve seen kids and teenagers use games to help themselves.

Good stuff, and perhaps I can convince Eddy to put together a more in-depth blog sometime in the future, or even devote an episode of the Onyx Pathcast to the topic.

My notes from the meeting tell me that this Friday’s Pathcast is slated to be an phantasmagorical interview with the Master of Mage: The Ascension, Satyr Phil Brucato himself. With M20 Gods and Monsters and M20 Book of the Fallen handed off into the production process, this is a great time to delve deep into what Satyr Phil was thinking and went through to create those projects.

Last week’s Pathcast was an amazing deep-dive into the creation of Beckett’s Jyhad Diary, and many other things Vampire as well, with the Terrifically Terrifying Trio adding both insight and insanity to the exploration. They have stated quite clearly that it was their best look into a specific book EVAH, so it’s well worth a listen on PodBean or on your favorite podcast venue: https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

Impish Ian Watson, our Community Manager, talked a bit about the LA By Night streaming V5 Chronicle from Geek & Sundry, and how at one time in the chat there were something like close to 10,000 folks chatting. Yes, that is a very good thing, even if you don’t follow “actual play” streaming. That’s a lot of potential players excited about WoD, many for the first time. Plus, I hear they did a fantastic job evoking the World of Darkness and V5.

      VtR2 Guide to the Night art by Mirko Falloni

    Finally, thanks to all of you who have been taking advantage of this week’s huge sale at DriveThruRPG.com, it has been a stunning success, and runs until Thursday morning here in the US. In case you have somehow missed it. Then, as soon as it stops, DTRPG is running the same deal, but for Vampire: The Requiem, Werewolf: The Forsaken, and Mage: The Awakening PDFs, all part of the Chronicles of Darkness. More info below.

So many things are happening all over, and yet, ultimately, we are so thrilled to be creating the projects that provide the impetus for so much of all that. It’s what we do, we make worlds, in fact:

Many Worlds, One Path!

  BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER:

    The Dystopia Rising: Evolution Kickstarter funded in less than a day, and two sections of the Threat Guide companion PDF Stretch Goal have been added, which is a first-person guide with mechanics to the various threats facing survivors in the DR:E world, and we have opened up a Community Content site for the game! Now we’re staggering towards a fiery Jumpstart!

Dystopia Rising: Evolution is powered by Onyx Path’s Storypath system, and includes all the rules you need to play as a survivor in the post-apocalypse, including rules for creating characters for up to 24 different Strains, variations on humanity that survived the Fall. It also has details on the powers of faith and psionics, along with advice on running action-adventure stories, webs of personal intrigue, or procedural investigations. And, finally, dozens of antagonists, including a variety of zombies and raiders to use in your series.

Throughout this Kickstarter campaign, we will be posting complete previews of the Dystopia Rising: Evolution manuscript as backer-only updates. With one week to go, you can back now and get the text to find out what are the excitement is about!

  ELECTRONIC GAMING:

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is now live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is both rolling and rocking!

Here are the links for the Apple and Android versions:

http://theappstore.site/app/1296692067/onyx-dice

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.onyxpathpublishing.onyxdice&hl=en

Three different screenshots, above.

  ON AMAZON AND BARNES & NOBLE:

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue you bought it from. Reviews really, really help us with getting folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these fiction books:

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Endless Ages Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Rites of Renown: When Will You Rage II (Kindle, Nook)

Mage: The Ascension: Truth Beyond Paradox (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: The God-Machine Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Mummy: The Curse: Curse of the Blue Nile (Kindle, Nook)

Beast: The Primordial: The Primordial Feast Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Masquerade: Of Predators and Prey: The Hunters Hunted II Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: The Poison Tree (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Songs of the Sun and Moon: Tales of the Changing Breeds (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Requiem: The Strix Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Forsaken: The Idigam Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Mage: The Awakening: The Fallen World Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Beast Within Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: W20 Cookbook (Kindle, Nook)

Exalted: Tales from the Age of Sorrows (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: Tales of the Dark Eras (Kindle, Nook)

Promethean: The Created: The Firestorm Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Demon: The Descent: Demon: Interface (Kindle, Nook)

Scarred Lands: Death in the Walled Warren (Kindle, Nook)

V20 Dark Ages: Cainite Conspiracies (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: Strangeness in the Proportion (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Requiem: Silent Knife (Kindle, Nook)

Mummy: The Curse: Dawn of Heresies (Kindle, Nook)

  OUR SALES PARTNERS:

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the Screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there!

https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

    Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://theonyxpath.com/press-release-onyx-path-limited-editions-now-available-through-indie-press-revolution/

And you can now order Pugmire: the book, the screen, and the dice! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/manufacturers.php?manufacturerid=296

    DRIVETHRURPG.COM:

Ending this Thursday, DTRPG together with White Wolf and Onyx Path are having a one week massive 75% off sale on all Vampire: The Masquerade, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, and Mage: The Ascension PDFs!

AND, starting this Thursday morning, we are having a one week only 75% off sale on all Vampire: The Requiem, Werewolf: The Forsaken, and Mage: The Awakening PDFs!

  This Wednesday we expand our blank journal offerings on our RedBubble site with Vampire: The Requiem blank journals!

  CONVENTIONS!

From Fast Eddy Webb, we have these:

Eddy will be speaking at Broadleaf Writers Conference (September 22-23) in Decatur, GA. He’ll be there to talk about writing for interactive fiction, and hanging out with other writers who have far more illustrious careers. http://broadleafwriters.com/3rd-annual-broadleaf-writers-conference/3rd-annual-broadleaf-writers-conference-speakers/

Eddy will also be a featured guest at Save Against Fear (October 12-14) in Harrisburg, PA. He’ll be running some Pugmire games, be available for autographs, and will sometimes accept free drinks. http://www.thebodhanagroup.org/about-the-convention

Monica Valentinelli will be a professional guest at Great Falls Gaming Convention in Montana the first week of October. http://gfgr.org/guests-of-honor/

Dixie Cochran will be at High Level Games Con in Atlantic City October 12-14, running a Women in Game Design panel, Eddy’s RPG Developer Bootcamp, and possibly making a surprise appearance at another event!

  And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM FAST EDDY WEBB (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Tales of Excellent Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

Scion Companion: Mysteries of the World (Scion 2nd Edition)

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Witch-Queen of the Shadowed Citadel (Cavaliers of Mars)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Scion Ready Made Characters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion Jumpstart (Scion 2nd Edition)

  Redlines

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

  Second Draft

Tales of Good Dogs – Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Oak, Ash, and Thorn: Changeling: The Lost 2nd Companion (Changeling: The Lost 2nd)

CofD Dark Eras 2 (Chronicles of Darkness)

V5 Chicago By Night (Vampire: The Masquerade)

  Development

Hunter: the Vigil 2e core (Hunter: the Vigil 2nd Edition)

Fetch Quest (Pugmire)

CofD Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

Night Horrors: Shunned by the Moon (Werewolf: The Forsaken 2nd Edition)

Adventures for Curious Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Spilled Blood (Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition)

In Media Res (Trinity Continuum: Core)

Aeon Aexpansion (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

C20 Players’ Guide (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Wr20 Book of Oblivion (Wraith: The Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition)

  Manuscript Approval:

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

  Editing:

Dog and Cat Ready Made Characters (Monarchies of Mau) (With Eddy)

Changeling: The Lost 2nd Jumpstart (Changeling: The Lost 2nd)

  Post-Editing Development:

Scion: Hero (Scion 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Core Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

Trinity Continuum: Aeon Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Exalted 3rd Novel by Matt Forbeck (Exalted 3rd Edition)

They Came From Beneath the Sea! Rulebook (TCFBtS!)

  Indexing:

Changeling: The Lost 2e

    ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

  In Art Direction

Dystopia Rising: Evolution – KS is going.

M20: Gods and Monsters – AD’d and Contracted.

Geist 2e

The Realm

Trinity Continuum (Aeon and Core) – AD’d and Contracted.

Ex3 Monthly Stuff

Ex3 Dragon Blooded – Finals coming in.

Chicago By Night – KS art sketches and finals coming in.

Pugmire Roll of Good Dogs and Cats

  Marketing Stuff

  In Layout

Trinity Core

Trinity Aeon

  Proofing

Scion Hero – Putting in Neal’s changes, updating font

PTC: Night Horrors: The Tormented – Corrections over to KT.

Scion Origin – Doing Neall’s errata changes, and swapping out the font.

VtR: Guide to the Night

Lost 2e Screen – At WW for approval

Fetch Quest – Package design done

  At Press

Monarchies of Mau – Printing. Dice and buttons printing.

Cavaliers of Mars – At Studio2.

Wraith 20th – Prepping the interior Deluxe files, cover design sent to printer.

Monarchies of Mau Screen – At Studio2.

Cavaliers of Mars Screen – At Studio2.

Wraith 20 Screen – Printing.

Scion Dice – At fulfillment shipper.

Cav Talent cards – PoD proof coming.

Requiem Journals – On Sale at RedBubble on Weds!

  TODAY’S REASON TO CELEBRATE: In 1859 Joshua A. Norton declares himself “Norton I, Emperor of the United States.” I mean, if you like WoD or CofD, They Came From Beneath the Sea!, Scion, or the Trinity Continuum…this guy was just the tip of the odd history iceberg that we draw on for all those settings.

[talesfromacrip]

popping off as they say:

ya wanna know some things that suck major ass? well, sit down and let me enlighten you

( a vent/rant post. mute or w.e but I’m gonna go off a bit )

—————

at this point, I feel like I’ll never get to go out and experience the world.

even when I’m feeling up to it or have too for appointments/shows, etc.

I could, but I’d be risking so fucking much and I hate that a lot. yet,some think it’s not a big deal when it kinda is??

like, I really wanna get the fuck out of this house, but it’s difficult nowadays. it makes me sick at times how some use their abled privileges to go out like nothing is even going the fuck on.

I feel like I’ll just be left here alone in my house till I leave this place with this shit going on. only relying on comments, pictures and silly dreams to get me by which ‘helps’ but it’s not enough

I’ll never be able to explore nature to its fullest and despite how negative I am towards it, I still enjoy it or would like too, without an issue occurring.

I’d need so many aides just to help me and people to watch me while I maneuver through.

can’t fly anywhere bc my only source of mobility would be damaged. can’t even drive.

it’s like traveling with an infant, can’t take me anywhere bc everything is essentially a danger. (an inaccessible one ._.)

plus, everything costs so much money nowadays which is something I can’t have much bc of my disability. love it, great, absolutely r a d!!

tired of missing out on so many opportunities though.

shows, little outings, appointments, vacations, fuck,anything essentially. everyone else gets to flaunt this privilege and it’s irritating bc I can’t interact as I’d like.

I’m literally getting cabin fever being in my own home.

which to some seems like a dream in my condition, when it’s a ‘nightmare’.

even when I do go out, the feeling is still 50/50 but we’ll see how that plays out more in the future

I’m so tired of advocating for disability options for the swancore community.

everyone is so fixated on members or how popular they’re posts are, etc. to give a rats ass about disabled fans.

just want them to be safe and experience a show without risk of getting sick, people standing in front of them, inaccessible venues with stairs, folks pushing them/their aides.

which, I guess is asking too much but I’ll continue even if I’m tired of it.

I enjoy this community so damn much but holy f u c k o-o

can’t stand folks nowadays flaunting their experiences when some haven’t at all or can’t bc of inaccessibility at these shows!! ridiculous

tired of dealing with arguments and yelling from my parents. constant instigating and just absolute chaos daily.

they’re good people but holy fuuuuck do they argue about some absolutely ridiculous shit sometimes.

I love them,but being stuck inside with them constantly is driving me insane.

I don’t feel welcomed in my home or anywhere with them tbh. I don’t get peace and quiet as one should.

I can’t go anywhere either and it’s just, irritating but I have to deal with bc they’re the only family I have.

only times I even get peace/time to myself without them constantly around, is when they both go to the store or do some errands together which is rareish bc they irritate one another at times or when we go to a show; which, who the fuck knows when that will be bc I’ve already missed 2 irl ones so far

no privacy whatsoever either so that’s fucked like, y’all realize why I’m getting cabin fever, which is a stupid thing thing to say but that’s what it is

I want to leave but I can’t and probably never will.

like, who is even gonna take care of me when my parents can’t anymore and all? I’m not going to a home and dealing with people I don’t know well at all.

when you can’t say something ya fave wants to hear or say anything to them that’s out of ordinary bc you don’t want to expose that you have feelings for them.

so, you just sit there in your silly little feelings and hide them yet again bc what’s the point?

can’t go anywhere much with them bc my chair is in the way. I’d be holding them back from so many experiences.-. can’t hug or hold hands or anything like that when I’d like too.

can’t help them when they need it or don’t bc I enjoy helping others more than myself tbh. I’m a homebody though and no one likes to be home it seems. not many wanna spend the day watching shit endlessly or playing games or experience an artist at work. some but it’s not enough bc there’s more to life than just, being stuck inside and all

tired of people thinking I’m this, sexless being bc I’m demi and disabled.

that I’m scared to talk about it or I’m just not interested at all, when I am.

like there have been times when I was more like that but ever since I realized I won’t be getting any procedures done to help me be independent, I just try and keep it to myself but it’s so hard.

don’t want to hookup though or do anything like that with someone I don’t know.

I want a nice relationship with someone I know well not someone I don’t at all.

I explained all this and more on my therapeutic blog thing but I guess no one cared which happens.

I’m sick of hiding these feelings, sick of this place , sick of it all

sick of waking up either sad, horny or just plain empty at times bc I can’t do anything, be with who I’d like.

just,feel even more horrible about myself bc I can’t do anything at all. I have to rely on others for the most simplistic tasks.. how am I going to be with someone , let alone the person I care about??

can’t satisfy  them ,can’t even satisfy myself so why the fuck do I even bother??

I’m tired of these, weird vivid dreams of me at school with people I know online or me doing some activity I thought I’d never do like drive/swim/running with them or by myself.

sick of going places I’ve never been or have in the past which makes me want to leave so bad and I can’t.. idk if I ever even will tbh.

sick of having dreams outside of my house in general and then waking up to the same monotonous life.. makes me feel suicidal at times tbh.

I won’t do anything like that. the thoughts make sad as is so I just continue sitting in silence.

it’s getting hard to mask my moods nowadays and everything just makes me tired /annoyed.

tired of how the dreams tease me by making scenarios where I’m living with someone I care about but will never say anything too bc I ruin things when I open my mouth sometimes :))

like, how can I tell someone we had a whole ass family and sweet gushy moments that I cannot partake in bc I can’t move for fucking shit :)) makes for awkward conversation

also tired of being in another body that isn’t mine and looks better than mine..

just, everything I’ve wished since I’ve been ill and after..

better body with actual features and not the kind that make me look like a fuckin child, pretty and slim face, actual mobility with no pain interference..

these are things I started noticing as I got older and even as young child. knowing I can’t fix whats already done in the process too, fucks with my dysmorphia more..

I hate how I get to see his body dressed in fashion or styles I wish I could do but can’t .-. hair, makeup, accessories, clothes, shoes, tights.. you get it

tired of myself when I shouldn’t be but I am.. so much I wanna do and say and sometimes I can’t. it’s there but the words get stuck. I end up saying something different and just ruin the whole thing I feel

[kurtwarren54]

IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

As I sit here typing the words, “I am pregnant!” it’s words we have been dreaming about for almost a full year now. Literally working toward each month. For a year. My heart can’t stop smiling thinking about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as the tears continue to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of past heartbreak. All of it. I have shared a lot of my past infertility journey that brought us to Otis (which you can read about here) and I am committed to sharing our story with you as we experience it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to be able to diary as I have experienced it. Also, please be kind if I go in and out of tense as some of this was written in the moment and some of it after the fact. BEAR WITH ME. 

This Frozen Embryo Transfer was likely the most important of all of them. It was our last frozen embryo we had in storage. And our last try for a baby. The weight of that was suffocating. After previously going through 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I was left with 3 frozen embabies. Our precious little babies. Of course there are always options to keep going but I am of course already 37 years old and I STRUGGLED to get healthy embryos from my retrievals since my egg quality was pretty poor. I was also unsure if I was willing to undergo the whole egg retrieval process again but this now brought all those thoughts up. What if my last transfer doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So looking into our last chance with our last embryo had a lot of weight to it. After looking at our past failed cycles with our doctor, she had an idea to do something completely different. This both excited me and completely TERRIFIED me. But at this point, we really needed to throw it all on the line to put our best foot forward. I trust my doctor so I was willing to go down a new path. I think it’s always important to mix things up because you never know what your recipe for success will be. She wanted to try a “Natural FET cycle” meaning that we would supplement less with synthetic hormones and instead, let my body lead the way naturally and then only supplement with less hormones closer to embryo transfer. Since I have had issues getting a thicker lining with all the synthetic hormones, we were curious to see how my body does completely on it’s own. So the goal would be, track my natural cycle in a “mock” cycle where we were only doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to gather information and track my cycle. No embryo transfer. Just tracking for research. I was IN. 

Tracking my Natural Cycle

The process would be, wait till cycle day 3 of my period and come in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at home ovulation kits to track my ovulation at home as well as come in for multiple scans to see how my eggs were growing and tracking it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we found that my lining naturally looked FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Basically  my lining looked the best it ever had and I was almost upset this was a mock cycle and not a real one. That is how good my lining looked. After we confirmed ovulation with both my at home kits, and ultrasound and blood work, doctor also confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a little low after ovulation so that is where we want to supplement a little more in our real cycle. Good to know! Also, we were excited to decide we would lock into a natural FET cycle and we were doing this!!! Of course we also tried naturally that month to get pregnant and of course it didn’t happen. So we were on our way to our Natural FET cycle with my next period.

Natural Cycle FET

I started my cycle on the 3rd day of my period and came in for a baseline check. The did an ultrasound to make sure I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to check my hormone levels. The plan was to do at home ovulation kits and wait for high and peak results. The kits I use first tell you when your levels are HIGH and then tell you when it’s PEAK which is right before ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks until I went in again just for a check. Things were actually looking farther along than last cycle so we did more blood work and she suspected I would be getting close so I would come back in 2 days. In 2 days, my body was READY! Those eggs were growing perfectly and when we checked my hormones I was ready to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I was expecting to have a much longer cycle again but this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to confirm but that night I did my trigger shot! The trigger shot would confirm my exact embryo transfer timing. My lining was the best it’s ever looked! It looked “lush and juicy” in the words of my doctor and she was so excited about how great it looked that she printed me out a photo. I had that good trilaminar appearance to it as well which is all very positive. Things were looking amazing for my natural cycle and I was excited the doctor was as hyped as I was about it. I knew that if things didn’t look great, we could always cancel and try again but we were doing this!!

One week before I did my trigger injection which would trigger ovulation and set the wheels into motion for my embryo transfer. I started my progesterone 5 days before transfer and my other meds 3 days before. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night. I literally forgot how horrible those suppositories are. Basically it’s a compounded version of progesterone that looks like an oversized pill that you shove up your lady parts at night. But the aftermath is that is oozes out kind of slowly over time. Sorry TMI but damn they are GROSS. They just really end up making me feel very uncomfortable and I much prefer the injections which I know sounds INSANE. I started WAY less other hormones 3 days before. 2 estrogen patches and then my normal protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, baby aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was finished I would start my prednisone. So all the meds were mostly the same as my medicated cycles in the past but just a lot less of them since we were working with my own body’s goods.

We did one last appointment on Friday before my Monday transfer to make sure all my hormones were looking good and that lining was also looking good. I think my nerves were running high. The appointment went great and everything looked ready. Hormones and lining looked good. I got to the checkout desk and was scheduling my pregnancy blood drawl test and 2 of my nurses came over to wish me luck at my transfer. I lost it. I feel awful to have been crying at the desk as I am sure anyone in the waiting room could hear me. But wow. The gravity of everything was hitting me. I desperately needed this to work. It was our last precious embryo and I was a hot mess of emotion. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling so good and positive, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t FEELING. Just such a vulnerable moment. Losing your shit. In public. But damn, infertility is hard as fuck. It’s really fucking hard. And going to battle and being knocked down every time takes its toll. I left the office tissues in hand. When I got to my car, I decided to change the script. Yes we had 1 more chance but that 1 chance is a blessing.

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was bigger waking up. I was more hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to start my day and move a step closer to expanding our family. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid times, is a big deal. I wanted to feel good. Look good. Be the light I needed this day. 

Blake, Otis and I packed up to leave. Because of Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my transfer but he would drop me off and be there waiting. As I was getting in the car, I noticed 3 morning doves walking through our garden. It was the sign I needed that morning. Third time’s the charm. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Despite the fact that destructive fires were raging through my part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her home and it smelled horribly of smoke even outside of our own home, I was positive. Nothing was going to ruin this day for me.

When I got to the clinic, it was business as usual. Take my valium and I filled out all my forms etc and before I knew it I was back in the room getting ready. I always play music on my phone and this time I put on my Summer Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist came in, shared good news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our last normal embryo. My doctor came in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and a few quick minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the screen happen via ultrasound is truly a sureal experience. And just like that, we did it. I had my lucky socks on keeping me cozy and I also brought a few ribbons with me from a gift as a good luck charm. Channeling hope and love through every moment. I had asked Blake if he could give me an affirmation each day after my transfer to keep my spirits high and keep my hopeful heart in the right direction. I didn’t know he was going to give me something on the day of my transfer but before I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I got to open it as I sat alone waiting for the doctors and nurses to come in. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” <3, Blake + Otis Never underestimate the power of a small gesture to make someone’s heart just so happy. Blake picked me up and we drove home to for me to get cozy in bed, eat my lunch, and take a much needed nap. Since I take valium to relax me before my procedure, I always need a good nap that day to sleep everything off.

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

This time period is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my transfer that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG levels and find out if I got pregnant from my transfer. So let’s start from the beginning of those 10 days.

My first 3 days (including transfer day) were bed/couch rest. So basically hang in bed, have Blake bring me all my meals and snacks and just BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. In order to prepare for this and make it easier for Blake, who took time off of work to watch and care for myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and planned some of my favorite meals to enjoy during this time. Also a tradition on transfer day for me is to enjoy a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in bed while I watch Father of the Bride. I do this every time. It’s just part of my “happy” process. We had to keep my door closed since bed rest and a toddler don’t mix. Of course Otis and Blake could come in to say hi every once in a while, but the important thing was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in bed, took some naps, and thought positive thoughts. I also facetimed Otis for every meal so I felt part of the family even stuck in bed. Love that technology could keep us together at meal time. This also made me happy to see Otis’ sweet face.

On day 4, I was allowed to resume normal activity as long as I refrained from any strenuous and no working out at all. Also, no lifting my toddler. That one is difficult! But I am so thankful to have Blake working from home to help me lift him in and out of his crib during this time. So we took things easy, and kept myself busy hanging with Otis daily and waiting. 

During the 2ww I was also tracking my body like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Were these signs of pregnancy? Were these signs of my period? Anyone that endures the 2WW becomes obsessed with any small symptoms they might detect and wonder WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I am telling you, it’s maddening. The problem is, with each transfer, all the symptoms are almost identical for pregnancy OR getting your period. Seriously. It’s a mind fuck excuse my French but it is. And comparing my symptoms to my last 2 failed FET, they were similar. So how was I supposed to know if it was good or bad? There was just no way to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Basically all the symptoms all week. I started those 10 days mellow and cool as a cucumber but as the days passed by… the anxiety started to rise.

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

As I sit here on Nov 4th, my anxiety level is at an all time high with the election still lingering with no clear cut winner and a pregnancy test lingering. Chalk it up to massive PTSD but wow the nerves are hitting me today. I know what is done is done, and I know my results will share just that. But this time, it’s all on the line. As the day went on the anxiety rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I needed that release. Later in the day after dinner, I went to the bathroom and I swear when I wiped, I had a slight light pink streak. I freaked out. Could this be my period??? We were getting Otis ready for bed and I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him and Blake to come into the room and I just broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I said to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I think in this moment I realized that while my level of optimism was high, there was still 2 possible outcomes… and now I was freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too but damn guys. I just lost it. While the 2WW is always an excruciating time for people going through fertility treatment, the day before blood test was high up in the worst days ever. After we got Otis down for bed, we binged some 90 Day Fiance before the 90 days to get our minds off the baby topic. And then tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I have the Hatch Restore and it’s been a great part of my daily routine. You can select custom meditations to play before bed and then play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a good intention for me before bedtime. Setting my mind in the right space has been such an important thing to focus on throughout this experience.

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

I think Blake and I barely slept the night leading to my blood work. I woke up and got ready to go and made sure to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork without doing a HPT (home pregnancy test) because I do not want to find out blind from a phone call if I don’t have to. So I peed in the cup and left. Right when I leave the door, Blake does the pregnancy test for me. He is a GOOD man. So thankful he does this for me. I do this so that we have results but I don’t know until after my blood work so that I am in good spirits at the doctors office. I headed in for my quick blood drawl and I was back into my car eagerly texting Blake. Because of the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Negative?” and he texted me, “Are you sure you wanna know?” and I said yes. “You are PREGNANT!” I swear when I read it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I immediately video chatted with Blake while uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I was in complete shock. Blake asked, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seriously took me some time to calm down. It was literally unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and 2 failed transfers…. I finally got a positive home pregnancy test. It was a fucking miracle. Now to wait for the actual blood results.

The nurse called me later in the day to share the good news and I was just so relieved not to get that familiar phone call from my doctor. The PTSD is so real when it comes to every part of this process. My levels looked GREAT and I would come back in 2 days to make sure my beta HCG levels were going up. My levels 2 days later looked great again. It was official!!!! I would go in next week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this point, we had our trip to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the perfect midweek time to literally celebrate our new found news together as a family. But also gave us so much excitement to know after our short trip, I would come home to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Leading up to each milestone is like a wave of anxiety following with you. Of course I am hopeful, happy, excited but when you have this many problems getting pregnant, I forgot just how much anxiety I had leading up to each weekly appointment. Being in such a pattern of heartbreak and disappointment you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the doctor said, “There it is! Right where I left it!” I breathed a sigh of relief as we looked at the little circle that was our baby on the ultrasound machine. She explained that my appointment for 6 weeks we MIGHT be able to hear the heartbeat but to not freak out if we didn’t because we still had our 7 week appointment to hear it. So now we just waited for the next week. I still am continuing all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches changed every other day, and my daily anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and baby aspirin).

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

At this appointment I got to see the flickering of the heart!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound yet to detect but it was a great sign to physically see the heartbeat. At the start of 6 weeks is when my extreme nausea began. It was much worse than my pregnancy with Otis. I started diclegis (2 pills at night) to help combat my nausea and help me to function as a mom to a toddler. 

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to experience. An exciting week for growth. Another positive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I was starting to finally feel a bit better. The meds definitely took time to kick in for me. It was not immediate relief.

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

The nausea seemed to be creeping back late afternoon and just was not feeling great from afternoon to dinner time. I lost my appetite at night and it was hard to really get down any dinner. Lots of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even despite being on the diclegis at night. But starting 10 weeks and 2 days I started to feel alot better again.

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Starting to finally feel better overall. But WOW. Massive exhaustion and just feeling so tired all of a sudden. Zero energy. Blake also said, “you look tired” so there is that. HA! Scan looked good and growth is on track!

We also did our genetic testing blood work that looks for genetic disorders as well as can signify gender (even though we already know) and will await those results. The nice thing is we already know we have a healthy genetically tested embryo but to be thorough we alway do this blood work regardless. And as always, each step is still nerve wracking as we move forward. 

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Our little one is really starting to look like a baby on the ultrasound!!! Funny how things grow so quickly each week and really start to transform. Everything is looking great and finally weaning down meds again. VERY exciting. 

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

I was feeling pretty good overall and not sick. But still very tired as the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I started to get a hormonal headache which lasted for 2 days. Luckily it passed quickly and is likely due to the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping certain meds etc. I do have the occasional nausea at night so I make sure to be having smaller meals as well as some protein snacks throughout the day to try to curb the nausea if I can. 

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Because of the way the holidays fell this year (both Christmas and New Years) I was able to do my 12 week with my Gyno and then do my Fertility clinic 12 week the following week. I hope to be able to graduate next week from my fertility clinic but time will tell. Or should I say, my bloodwork will tell.

At my appointment I had a lengthy ultrasound to see baby. GUYS!!!! The tech said the baby was so accommodating and was literally showing off the most perfect little angles for photos. She was able to get some really cool 3d renderings of baby that you see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! Everything looked great. Heartbeat is great. All great! I next met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my doctor on my first appointment, and went over some basics and then I was on my way to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment. 

In terms of how I am feeling, let me tell you the nausea is creeping right back at night so around dinner time to bedtime I am kind of feeling miserable again. But I know that soon enough things will level out and I should be feeling much better over all again. I am so glad to still be taking the diclegis or I would REALLY feel like crap. Thank you modern medicine. Regardless of feeling crappy, I know it’s all for a good cause so you won’t find me complaining… that often

What’s Happening Now

We obviously have a long road ahead of us and many milestones to achieve with our precious little baby. I feel each week, you look at the next and think, “Wow! I will feel much better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you will feel better and more confident the NEXT week. So many nerves when it comes to pregnancy at least for us around here. What I can say is we are so hopeful and with every week our hearts just grow bigger as the baby grows. Because of my appointments falling over the holidays, I have my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic next week a little bit late and we are HOPEFULLY it will be my graduation day!! Hopefully all my levels look great when we do my bloodwork and I can finally stop all my medications. My fingers will be crossed for that moment. I told my doctor I will be happy when I never have to see her again. HA! I know that sounds mean but she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her office works through the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say enough good things about them if you are on the hunt for a doctor. Also have seen Dr. Sachdev there many times who is equally lovely.

To have gone through all of this infertility journey during normal times would have been excruciating and add in a global pandemic, thanks to Covid-19, it added an extra layer of complexity to everything. To think of all the women, going to their appointments alone, going through procedures alone… it just breaks my heart. Especially those going through it for their first time. These times and these struggles have only confirmed something I have found out through having Otis: That I have more courage than I could have ever thought possible. This process has almost been more excruciating knowing what a light and joy it has been to be a mother to Otis. It’s hurt extra hard knowing that we may never be able to give Otis a sibling. To be given the joy and privilege of being a mother the first time was my biggest dream come true. And to be given that opportunity again, I am just crying tears of joy. Over. and Over. And over again. It still feels sureal to think we are on the other side of this. Everyday I wake up and go to bed, looking at the ultrasound photo next to my bed, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I still have hanging on a string on my wall. And the photo of our precious embryo and the photo of our actual transfer. Everyday I count my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will become a big brother. And for that, Blake and I will never stop smiling. 

I know how triggering a pregnancy announcement can be to those still struggling through their infertility or trying to get pregnant naturally. But know that miracles happen. And that most of all, when it might seem the darkest, hope remains. I hope through hearing our story, you know you are not alone going through infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable but the rainbow is always worth the struggle. My heart is with you all.

Otis pajamas in these photos are from my collaboration with Clover baby & Kids. It’s obviously VERY special since both Otis and our future little baby will be our little rainbows of joy. You bet I have ever size in there for when baby #2 comes to join us. You can use code: OTIS for 20% off most items if you want to celebrate your own little rainbow baby with me. Shop here.

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IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

As I sit here typing the words, “I am pregnant!” it’s words we have been dreaming about for almost a full year now. Literally working toward each month. For a year. My heart can’t stop smiling thinking about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as the tears continue to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of past heartbreak. All of it. I have shared a lot of my past infertility journey that brought us to Otis (which you can read about here) and I am committed to sharing our story with you as we experience it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to be able to diary as I have experienced it. Also, please be kind if I go in and out of tense as some of this was written in the moment and some of it after the fact. BEAR WITH ME. 

This Frozen Embryo Transfer was likely the most important of all of them. It was our last frozen embryo we had in storage. And our last try for a baby. The weight of that was suffocating. After previously going through 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I was left with 3 frozen embabies. Our precious little babies. Of course there are always options to keep going but I am of course already 37 years old and I STRUGGLED to get healthy embryos from my retrievals since my egg quality was pretty poor. I was also unsure if I was willing to undergo the whole egg retrieval process again but this now brought all those thoughts up. What if my last transfer doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So looking into our last chance with our last embryo had a lot of weight to it. After looking at our past failed cycles with our doctor, she had an idea to do something completely different. This both excited me and completely TERRIFIED me. But at this point, we really needed to throw it all on the line to put our best foot forward. I trust my doctor so I was willing to go down a new path. I think it’s always important to mix things up because you never know what your recipe for success will be. She wanted to try a “Natural FET cycle” meaning that we would supplement less with synthetic hormones and instead, let my body lead the way naturally and then only supplement with less hormones closer to embryo transfer. Since I have had issues getting a thicker lining with all the synthetic hormones, we were curious to see how my body does completely on it’s own. So the goal would be, track my natural cycle in a “mock” cycle where we were only doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to gather information and track my cycle. No embryo transfer. Just tracking for research. I was IN. 

Tracking my Natural Cycle

The process would be, wait till cycle day 3 of my period and come in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at home ovulation kits to track my ovulation at home as well as come in for multiple scans to see how my eggs were growing and tracking it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we found that my lining naturally looked FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Basically  my lining looked the best it ever had and I was almost upset this was a mock cycle and not a real one. That is how good my lining looked. After we confirmed ovulation with both my at home kits, and ultrasound and blood work, doctor also confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a little low after ovulation so that is where we want to supplement a little more in our real cycle. Good to know! Also, we were excited to decide we would lock into a natural FET cycle and we were doing this!!! Of course we also tried naturally that month to get pregnant and of course it didn’t happen. So we were on our way to our Natural FET cycle with my next period.

Natural Cycle FET

I started my cycle on the 3rd day of my period and came in for a baseline check. The did an ultrasound to make sure I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to check my hormone levels. The plan was to do at home ovulation kits and wait for high and peak results. The kits I use first tell you when your levels are HIGH and then tell you when it’s PEAK which is right before ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks until I went in again just for a check. Things were actually looking farther along than last cycle so we did more blood work and she suspected I would be getting close so I would come back in 2 days. In 2 days, my body was READY! Those eggs were growing perfectly and when we checked my hormones I was ready to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I was expecting to have a much longer cycle again but this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to confirm but that night I did my trigger shot! The trigger shot would confirm my exact embryo transfer timing. My lining was the best it’s ever looked! It looked “lush and juicy” in the words of my doctor and she was so excited about how great it looked that she printed me out a photo. I had that good trilaminar appearance to it as well which is all very positive. Things were looking amazing for my natural cycle and I was excited the doctor was as hyped as I was about it. I knew that if things didn’t look great, we could always cancel and try again but we were doing this!!

One week before I did my trigger injection which would trigger ovulation and set the wheels into motion for my embryo transfer. I started my progesterone 5 days before transfer and my other meds 3 days before. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night. I literally forgot how horrible those suppositories are. Basically it’s a compounded version of progesterone that looks like an oversized pill that you shove up your lady parts at night. But the aftermath is that is oozes out kind of slowly over time. Sorry TMI but damn they are GROSS. They just really end up making me feel very uncomfortable and I much prefer the injections which I know sounds INSANE. I started WAY less other hormones 3 days before. 2 estrogen patches and then my normal protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, baby aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was finished I would start my prednisone. So all the meds were mostly the same as my medicated cycles in the past but just a lot less of them since we were working with my own body’s goods.

We did one last appointment on Friday before my Monday transfer to make sure all my hormones were looking good and that lining was also looking good. I think my nerves were running high. The appointment went great and everything looked ready. Hormones and lining looked good. I got to the checkout desk and was scheduling my pregnancy blood drawl test and 2 of my nurses came over to wish me luck at my transfer. I lost it. I feel awful to have been crying at the desk as I am sure anyone in the waiting room could hear me. But wow. The gravity of everything was hitting me. I desperately needed this to work. It was our last precious embryo and I was a hot mess of emotion. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling so good and positive, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t FEELING. Just such a vulnerable moment. Losing your shit. In public. But damn, infertility is hard as fuck. It’s really fucking hard. And going to battle and being knocked down every time takes its toll. I left the office tissues in hand. When I got to my car, I decided to change the script. Yes we had 1 more chance but that 1 chance is a blessing.

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was bigger waking up. I was more hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to start my day and move a step closer to expanding our family. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid times, is a big deal. I wanted to feel good. Look good. Be the light I needed this day. 

Blake, Otis and I packed up to leave. Because of Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my transfer but he would drop me off and be there waiting. As I was getting in the car, I noticed 3 morning doves walking through our garden. It was the sign I needed that morning. Third time’s the charm. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Despite the fact that destructive fires were raging through my part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her home and it smelled horribly of smoke even outside of our own home, I was positive. Nothing was going to ruin this day for me.

When I got to the clinic, it was business as usual. Take my valium and I filled out all my forms etc and before I knew it I was back in the room getting ready. I always play music on my phone and this time I put on my Summer Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist came in, shared good news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our last normal embryo. My doctor came in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and a few quick minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the screen happen via ultrasound is truly a sureal experience. And just like that, we did it. I had my lucky socks on keeping me cozy and I also brought a few ribbons with me from a gift as a good luck charm. Channeling hope and love through every moment. I had asked Blake if he could give me an affirmation each day after my transfer to keep my spirits high and keep my hopeful heart in the right direction. I didn’t know he was going to give me something on the day of my transfer but before I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I got to open it as I sat alone waiting for the doctors and nurses to come in. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” <3, Blake + Otis Never underestimate the power of a small gesture to make someone’s heart just so happy. Blake picked me up and we drove home to for me to get cozy in bed, eat my lunch, and take a much needed nap. Since I take valium to relax me before my procedure, I always need a good nap that day to sleep everything off.

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

This time period is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my transfer that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG levels and find out if I got pregnant from my transfer. So let’s start from the beginning of those 10 days.

My first 3 days (including transfer day) were bed/couch rest. So basically hang in bed, have Blake bring me all my meals and snacks and just BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. In order to prepare for this and make it easier for Blake, who took time off of work to watch and care for myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and planned some of my favorite meals to enjoy during this time. Also a tradition on transfer day for me is to enjoy a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in bed while I watch Father of the Bride. I do this every time. It’s just part of my “happy” process. We had to keep my door closed since bed rest and a toddler don’t mix. Of course Otis and Blake could come in to say hi every once in a while, but the important thing was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in bed, took some naps, and thought positive thoughts. I also facetimed Otis for every meal so I felt part of the family even stuck in bed. Love that technology could keep us together at meal time. This also made me happy to see Otis’ sweet face.

On day 4, I was allowed to resume normal activity as long as I refrained from any strenuous and no working out at all. Also, no lifting my toddler. That one is difficult! But I am so thankful to have Blake working from home to help me lift him in and out of his crib during this time. So we took things easy, and kept myself busy hanging with Otis daily and waiting. 

During the 2ww I was also tracking my body like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Were these signs of pregnancy? Were these signs of my period? Anyone that endures the 2WW becomes obsessed with any small symptoms they might detect and wonder WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I am telling you, it’s maddening. The problem is, with each transfer, all the symptoms are almost identical for pregnancy OR getting your period. Seriously. It’s a mind fuck excuse my French but it is. And comparing my symptoms to my last 2 failed FET, they were similar. So how was I supposed to know if it was good or bad? There was just no way to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Basically all the symptoms all week. I started those 10 days mellow and cool as a cucumber but as the days passed by… the anxiety started to rise.

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

As I sit here on Nov 4th, my anxiety level is at an all time high with the election still lingering with no clear cut winner and a pregnancy test lingering. Chalk it up to massive PTSD but wow the nerves are hitting me today. I know what is done is done, and I know my results will share just that. But this time, it’s all on the line. As the day went on the anxiety rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I needed that release. Later in the day after dinner, I went to the bathroom and I swear when I wiped, I had a slight light pink streak. I freaked out. Could this be my period??? We were getting Otis ready for bed and I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him and Blake to come into the room and I just broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I said to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I think in this moment I realized that while my level of optimism was high, there was still 2 possible outcomes… and now I was freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too but damn guys. I just lost it. While the 2WW is always an excruciating time for people going through fertility treatment, the day before blood test was high up in the worst days ever. After we got Otis down for bed, we binged some 90 Day Fiance before the 90 days to get our minds off the baby topic. And then tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I have the Hatch Restore and it’s been a great part of my daily routine. You can select custom meditations to play before bed and then play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a good intention for me before bedtime. Setting my mind in the right space has been such an important thing to focus on throughout this experience.

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

I think Blake and I barely slept the night leading to my blood work. I woke up and got ready to go and made sure to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork without doing a HPT (home pregnancy test) because I do not want to find out blind from a phone call if I don’t have to. So I peed in the cup and left. Right when I leave the door, Blake does the pregnancy test for me. He is a GOOD man. So thankful he does this for me. I do this so that we have results but I don’t know until after my blood work so that I am in good spirits at the doctors office. I headed in for my quick blood drawl and I was back into my car eagerly texting Blake. Because of the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Negative?” and he texted me, “Are you sure you wanna know?” and I said yes. “You are PREGNANT!” I swear when I read it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I immediately video chatted with Blake while uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I was in complete shock. Blake asked, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seriously took me some time to calm down. It was literally unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and 2 failed transfers…. I finally got a positive home pregnancy test. It was a fucking miracle. Now to wait for the actual blood results.

The nurse called me later in the day to share the good news and I was just so relieved not to get that familiar phone call from my doctor. The PTSD is so real when it comes to every part of this process. My levels looked GREAT and I would come back in 2 days to make sure my beta HCG levels were going up. My levels 2 days later looked great again. It was official!!!! I would go in next week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this point, we had our trip to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the perfect midweek time to literally celebrate our new found news together as a family. But also gave us so much excitement to know after our short trip, I would come home to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Leading up to each milestone is like a wave of anxiety following with you. Of course I am hopeful, happy, excited but when you have this many problems getting pregnant, I forgot just how much anxiety I had leading up to each weekly appointment. Being in such a pattern of heartbreak and disappointment you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the doctor said, “There it is! Right where I left it!” I breathed a sigh of relief as we looked at the little circle that was our baby on the ultrasound machine. She explained that my appointment for 6 weeks we MIGHT be able to hear the heartbeat but to not freak out if we didn’t because we still had our 7 week appointment to hear it. So now we just waited for the next week. I still am continuing all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches changed every other day, and my daily anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and baby aspirin).

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

At this appointment I got to see the flickering of the heart!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound yet to detect but it was a great sign to physically see the heartbeat. At the start of 6 weeks is when my extreme nausea began. It was much worse than my pregnancy with Otis. I started diclegis (2 pills at night) to help combat my nausea and help me to function as a mom to a toddler. 

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to experience. An exciting week for growth. Another positive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I was starting to finally feel a bit better. The meds definitely took time to kick in for me. It was not immediate relief.

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

The nausea seemed to be creeping back late afternoon and just was not feeling great from afternoon to dinner time. I lost my appetite at night and it was hard to really get down any dinner. Lots of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even despite being on the diclegis at night. But starting 10 weeks and 2 days I started to feel alot better again.

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Starting to finally feel better overall. But WOW. Massive exhaustion and just feeling so tired all of a sudden. Zero energy. Blake also said, “you look tired” so there is that. HA! Scan looked good and growth is on track!

We also did our genetic testing blood work that looks for genetic disorders as well as can signify gender (even though we already know) and will await those results. The nice thing is we already know we have a healthy genetically tested embryo but to be thorough we alway do this blood work regardless. And as always, each step is still nerve wracking as we move forward. 

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Our little one is really starting to look like a baby on the ultrasound!!! Funny how things grow so quickly each week and really start to transform. Everything is looking great and finally weaning down meds again. VERY exciting. 

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

I was feeling pretty good overall and not sick. But still very tired as the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I started to get a hormonal headache which lasted for 2 days. Luckily it passed quickly and is likely due to the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping certain meds etc. I do have the occasional nausea at night so I make sure to be having smaller meals as well as some protein snacks throughout the day to try to curb the nausea if I can. 

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Because of the way the holidays fell this year (both Christmas and New Years) I was able to do my 12 week with my Gyno and then do my Fertility clinic 12 week the following week. I hope to be able to graduate next week from my fertility clinic but time will tell. Or should I say, my bloodwork will tell.

At my appointment I had a lengthy ultrasound to see baby. GUYS!!!! The tech said the baby was so accommodating and was literally showing off the most perfect little angles for photos. She was able to get some really cool 3d renderings of baby that you see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! Everything looked great. Heartbeat is great. All great! I next met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my doctor on my first appointment, and went over some basics and then I was on my way to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment. 

In terms of how I am feeling, let me tell you the nausea is creeping right back at night so around dinner time to bedtime I am kind of feeling miserable again. But I know that soon enough things will level out and I should be feeling much better over all again. I am so glad to still be taking the diclegis or I would REALLY feel like crap. Thank you modern medicine. Regardless of feeling crappy, I know it’s all for a good cause so you won’t find me complaining… that often

What’s Happening Now

We obviously have a long road ahead of us and many milestones to achieve with our precious little baby. I feel each week, you look at the next and think, “Wow! I will feel much better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you will feel better and more confident the NEXT week. So many nerves when it comes to pregnancy at least for us around here. What I can say is we are so hopeful and with every week our hearts just grow bigger as the baby grows. Because of my appointments falling over the holidays, I have my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic next week a little bit late and we are HOPEFULLY it will be my graduation day!! Hopefully all my levels look great when we do my bloodwork and I can finally stop all my medications. My fingers will be crossed for that moment. I told my doctor I will be happy when I never have to see her again. HA! I know that sounds mean but she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her office works through the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say enough good things about them if you are on the hunt for a doctor. Also have seen Dr. Sachdev there many times who is equally lovely.

To have gone through all of this infertility journey during normal times would have been excruciating and add in a global pandemic, thanks to Covid-19, it added an extra layer of complexity to everything. To think of all the women, going to their appointments alone, going through procedures alone… it just breaks my heart. Especially those going through it for their first time. These times and these struggles have only confirmed something I have found out through having Otis: That I have more courage than I could have ever thought possible. This process has almost been more excruciating knowing what a light and joy it has been to be a mother to Otis. It’s hurt extra hard knowing that we may never be able to give Otis a sibling. To be given the joy and privilege of being a mother the first time was my biggest dream come true. And to be given that opportunity again, I am just crying tears of joy. Over. and Over. And over again. It still feels sureal to think we are on the other side of this. Everyday I wake up and go to bed, looking at the ultrasound photo next to my bed, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I still have hanging on a string on my wall. And the photo of our precious embryo and the photo of our actual transfer. Everyday I count my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will become a big brother. And for that, Blake and I will never stop smiling. 

I know how triggering a pregnancy announcement can be to those still struggling through their infertility or trying to get pregnant naturally. But know that miracles happen. And that most of all, when it might seem the darkest, hope remains. I hope through hearing our story, you know you are not alone going through infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable but the rainbow is always worth the struggle. My heart is with you all.

Otis pajamas in these photos are from my collaboration with Clover baby & Kids. It’s obviously VERY special since both Otis and our future little baby will be our little rainbows of joy. You bet I have ever size in there for when baby #2 comes to join us. You can use code: OTIS for 20% off most items if you want to celebrate your own little rainbow baby with me. Shop here.

The post IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT! appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

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SKETCHY BEHAVIORS | Jennifer Parks (Portland, OR)

We’ve been following the magical and mystical artwork of Portland artist Jennifer Parks whose drawings of witches, women, and woodland creatures bring a dark delight to our sensibilities.  Not only does Jennifer create these fantastical illustrations and ceramics, but also helps to curate and organize shows at the artist run space, Pony Club in Portland.  We’re excited to feature Jennifer’s art and talk to her about her influences, artistic process, and find out more what she’s up too in the rest of 2017! 

Artist portrait by Richard Darbonne | Images courtesy of the artist

Who are you and what do you do?  

My name is Jennifer Parks and I make drawings and ceramic things. I’m also a gallery owner, cat mama, part-time bartender, and believer of ghosts and magic.

When did you first come across art or find yourself making stuff? What it something your parents encouraged or were you always a doodler type of person?

I was always a doodler. I started drawing as soon as I could pick up a crayon. I think pre-school was when I realized I was sort of good at it and started to get encouragement from my parents and other adults.

Did you go to art school or take classes for illustration? What’s your art background?

I took art classes in high school, and junior college and that led me to the Pacific Northwest College of Art here in Portland. I majored in illustration with a focus on storytelling.

Your artwork has a distinct flavor to it that we love–not only is it filled with fauna, nature, but a female character often surrounded by magical and mystical elements.  Can you tell us a little bit about how your illustration and artwork reached this point?  

It was a natural evolution I think. I learned to draw girls by drawing my mother’s porcelain doll collection. She had a lot of these dolls which were pretty but also kind of creepy. They all had on fancy victorian dresses with lace and floral patterns. I think that led to my interest in old black and white victorian photos which then led to my interest that dark era of witchcraft, seances, and ghosts.

Ive always had a fascination with death and the idea that its not the end, so it just felt natural to start adding those elements to my drawings. Plus, at some point I got tired of people telling me my drawings were “pretty’ and “cute”. Adding some dark and mysterious elements to them made me feel more comfortable.

When I moved to the Pacific Northwest about 13 years ago, which is just surrounded by lush wilderness, I started including those elements as well. I think its hard to live here and not be inspired by our surroundings. They are pretty magical.

What inspires the imagery and symbolism that we find throughout your illustrations?  

I am totally fascinated by death, the afterlife, and anything supernatural. Ghosts, aliens, magic, etc.  I think there are so many things around us that we can’t see and I like to include some of that magic and mystery in my drawings. The world is kind of boring without them.

We’re always curious about an artists’ process. What’s your process like? Sketchbook, night owl, or scheduled drawing time?

I’m such a night owl. Its sad really. My best drawing hours are somewhere between 8pm and 3am. I will sit at a desk all day with coffee, listening to podcasts, trying to draw, but I really don’t get started until the sun goes down.  

What’s a medium you’ve yet to try and want to start dabbling in?  Any specific reasons?

I really want to learn how to do intaglio or lithography. I love printmaking and how involved the process can be. Intaglio has been around since the mid 1400’s and lithography since the late 1700’s… It would be amazing to learn such an old process.

Not only do you make some amazing illustrations and murals, but your ceramic pieces are insanely cool and rad.  Tells us a little about how you got into ceramics? What do you love about that medium that maybe you can’t achieve or don’t necessarily get from illustration?

I had been collecting these vintage plates and painting faces and designs into them for awhile. It was a lot of fun, but I wanted to take it to the next level and actually make the plate as well. So I decided to take a ceramics course at my local community college. I immediately fell in love with it. I had dabbled in clay before but nothing felt like ceramic clay. Its so soft and easy to work with. I took a morning class because it was the only thing that worked with my schedule and even though its so hard for me to be awake and functioning that early I found it very calming and therapeutic. Now I have my own kiln. If I don’t feel like focusing on drawing, I will just grab my clay, make some shapes, and carve into them. I don’t have to think too hard about the imagery. Thats one of my favorite things about it. I feel like I can zone out and just carve anything into them and it looks cool. Working with ceramics has taught me to be less uptight and less attached to my work. Im clumsy and break so many pieces after hours of working on them. All I can do is shrug it off and start over.

What’s your studio or creative space like? What would we find in there–what do you keep around for inspiration or do you keep it minimal?

My studio space is pretty cluttered with things. I have so many art supplies, frames, paper, old drawings, prints, etc. I have a big drawing table and a big ceramic table. I have lots of art up for inspiration, some plants, and of course a few cats running around.

Does music play a role in your artistic process? Does it inspire you or is it more of something that keeps you company while you work?  Can you share with us what your top 5 songs/bands that you are currently into?

I do listen to music while I work, but honestly not very often. I find music very intense and very distracting when Im trying to focus. Im better off having a documentary of some sort playing in the background while I draw.

You also run a gallery space called Pony Club where you support and show artists!  How did this idea come about for Pony Club and when did you start it and how has that evolved?  What’s  been the most challenging part of running a space? What’s been the best part of it?

I got lucky enough to be invited to join the gallery in 2009. Its a collective of 6 artists that work out of the space, curate shows, and help run the shop. It started off as a gallery run by a group of cartoonists who catered heavily to that scene. It hasn’t changed too much, except that the members are different and we began to focus more on illustration.

I would say the most challenging part is trying to run/manage a small group of artists. We all have our own careers and ideas that we are trying to focus on. It can be challenging to find the time focus on the space, promoting other artists, and taking care of other business-related responsibilities.  

The most rewarding part is being able to provide a venue for young new illustrators, printmakers, and cartoonists.

Who are your top 5 favorite artists (past or contemporary?) that folks should check out.

Right now Ive been drooling over works by Alex Kuno, Andrea Wan, Tran Nguyen, Saddo, and Bill Crisafi.

Lots of times artists aren’t just one thing, what do you do when you’re not making art or helping out at Pony Club? How do you spend your free time?

Im usually practicing witchcraft or hanging out in the forest.

If folks wanted to follow in your footsteps, what advice or what would you tell folks?

Make sure your in love with what you do, and that your not doing it for the wrong reasons. If your stuck in a rut, go outside to find some inspiration or try a new medium.

Never stop creating.

Tell us about the art community in Portland? Seems like a tight community of talented folks.  Who are some of your local favorites?

The art community is pretty amazing here. It feels like we are all part of this very supportive, very talented and caring family. It can be a little overwhelming to have so many awesome artists around you, but it helps to keep you motivated and doing your best.

Some of my favorite local artists are Mark Rogers, Christina Mrozik, Lauren Gonsalves, Martin Ontiveros and Susannah Kelly.

What’s are your favorite Vans? How would you describe your personal style?

My favorite vans are the old school retro looking hi-tops. I wear a lot of black. My style is somewhere between artsy, witchy, and lazy.

What’s your favorite art secret that you’d like to share with folks?

Its not really a secret but artists are really magicians.

What’s coming up for you in the rest of the 2017 year that folks should stay tuned in for?

I will be painting a mural in August with my awesome buddy Meg Adamson for the Forest For The Trees Mural Fest. And hopefully, I will also be learning to tattoo!

Follow Jennifer Parks Website: www.spectralgardens.com Instagram: @spectralgardens

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New from Jon Espino on The Young Folks: Interview: Trey Edward Shults, Kelvin Harrison Jr., and Taylor Russell talk about the complexities in ‘Waves’

Every decade or so, we get new media that only entertains us but educates us on the experiences of the next generation. Many times they highlight the new complexities and differences of their experience to ours, but they also remind us that while it may be put in a different context, at its core they are things we have also gone through. Trey Edward Shults delivers exactly that in his latest film, Waves, which explores not only how these experiences affect a family unit, but how race can also play into them.

We spoke with Trey Edward Shults, and actors Kelvin Harrison Jr. and Taylor Russell collaborating together, revisiting their teenage years, MySpace and the start of social media, and more.

Since your first film, Krisha, you’ve created films that explore different family dynamics. We revisit topics like addiction and overbearing fathers. What attracts you to these types of stories?

Trey Edward Shults: I just connect to a lot of them. Personal experiences and loved ones’ experiences, especially in these 3 movies [Krisha, It Comes at Night, Waves] because they weren’t made that far apart. They were probably all brewing in the brain at around the same time. Whether it’s conscious or not, I think I was still rustling with some certain things, and remain fascinated by them.

As the film starts, everything seems almost idyllic, nearly perfect, but as it goes on, we learn the true complexity of each character. What was it about your respective characters that drew you in?

Kelvin Harrison Jr.: For me it was seeing this boy who had so much love and respect for his dad and those around him, but he really didn’t know how to communicate that or know what to do with that information for himself. He starts trying to appease everyone in a way that ultimately strips him away from his own identity and his own voice. I wanted to show the humanity of a black boy where he doesn’t fall into the cliches, but who can make mistakes that also don’t define who they are. I also wanted to show how a family would have to grow because of the historical traumas that come from being a black family in America right now. It wasn’t just about the character but also the entire message of what we have to go through as African Americans. 

Taylor Russell: It’s really rare that you get characters like this for a young woman. I haven’t ever seen a script like this come across my lap, so it was a no-brainer to be a part of it. To see a story that is so nuanced, truthful, and authentic to the complexities of the black experience, which is so vast and so different for every person, made me admire how that was portrayed in this story. I liked how quiet she was, and how her strength was unconventional and unique. Even the storytelling style was perfect, how it was told in the two halves, was something that felt unique and that I had never seen before. I knew Trey’s work from Krisha. It was shot in such a beautiful way and unlike any other cinema. People were telling me that it was going to be quite close to Krisha, and I was like, “Oh my god, if it’s going to be like that then hell yes! Let’s do it!”

I like the way the film is split into two different perspectives. The first half focuses on the male experience, while the second half follows the aftermath and the female experience. Was it always your intention to split the film up this way?

TES: I think it was in the DNA way before even writing it. It functions in dichotomies, literally from highs and low, white and black, male and female, love and hate, and everything else in between. I liked the idea of the movie functioning in these dichotomies, but what it’s really about is the link and complexity of how we’re connected by the contrasts in our lives.

Although the film mostly focuses on the individual struggles and the family as a whole, there are a few moments in the film that talks exclusively to the black experience in America. What resources did you use to research this before incorporating it into the film? 

TES: Kelvin was such an invaluable resource, and he’s the reason that the story is about a black family. We met on our last film [It Comes at Night] and first started talking about Waves. I didn’t have it written yet, but I started talking about ideas of what I thought the movies was, and broad strokes about what I wanted it to be. Then, we were like, “We should do it together.”  When I was first writing it, we were texting a lot. Almost like little therapy sessions as we were learning about each other, learning about our commonalities and shared experiences with families, especially around the character’s age. Kel got a first draft, 8 months before we started shooting and then we kept building it further and further at that point. I let the actors kind ad-lib and make some changes to the scenes so that it would feel more natural and authentic. I felt like it was my job just to listen and understand and try to capture everything I could. 

So this was truly a collaborative process?

TES: Oh, absolutely.

KHJ: It was so easy because it really feels like the script and Trey’s version of it really understands the family. It was like the skeleton and the muscles, setting a strong foundation so that we can come in and be like, “Well, let’s put some brown skin here and a little blush and we’re good to go.”  I was never fearful of speaking up and being like, “Well this is how I feel and this is how I experienced this.” He would also respond with, “Well that makes sense and I understand that so now let’s shoot it that way.” To me, that’s beautiful.

While watching the film, it takes a turn partway through where it turns into a horror film. It feels almost nightmarish at a certain point.

TR: On the day of shooting those scenes, you could tell right away the tonal shift the movie was taking. It felt scary, and that day of filming was really intense too. Although a lot of that was in the script, it is still quite shocking when you see the final version. 

TES: I talked about this with Sterling [K. Brown] a lot too. For this family, the greatest tragedy has happened and a nightmare has come to life. It started with exploring how this would feel for this family and this situation, and from there it grew to adding the visuals and audio elements that would end up giving it more of a horror feel. 

One of the things that really helped push some of the more unnerving elements was the sound design and Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross’ score. How did that come together?

TES: It just got super lucky. One day, I got an email from Trent and Atticus saying they were interested in working together. It was unbelievable. For sound design, I had Johnnie Burn and his whole team create that atmosphere and mood. 

I’m still haunted by the sounds of the ligaments and muscles tearing. It was almost like ASMR, but in the most stressful kind of way. 

TES: Johnnie had such an amazing foley team and I don’t even know how they got most of the sounds they used in the film. We played with that beyond just what would sound natural and tried out things that would be more subjective to the characters, like whenever Tyler would use his shoulder. 

KHJ: Oh, I was on the ground and I could definitely hear it and feel it.

Did you know how to wrestle or did you have to learn just for the role?

KHJ: Hell-to-the-no. I had to transform. I did 3 months of wrestling training. I did 3 days a week of CrossFit with wrestling twice a day. My wrestling coach Vlad is actually in the movie. He would tell me, “Kelly, get tough!”  It was a tough experience but ultimately great for the movie because I could feel free and authentic when playing the character. 

For some people, their teenage years are either the best or the worst. How did it feel revisiting that time for your characters, or even while developing this film together?

TR: I mean, we play teenagers a lot. I feel like I’m constantly in high school. Maybe I’ll finally graduate one day. One can only dream. I think I got a little bit longer because I have a babyface. This story though feels so transcendent beyond being a 16-year-old, it’s more about the human experience. In that way, it feels like it could be at any age. At the same time, it’s telling the story of teenagers and experiencing and feeling things for the first time. It was a fun thing to explore, but also a hard thing. 

KHJ: It was therapeutic for me. My parents saw it for the first time and they told me that that could really understand the relationships. That’s what the movie ends up being about: relationships. At the end of it, I was feeling like maybe I should call my mom and try to figure out how to communicate with her a little bit better. It transcends age in a lot of ways, but the specificity of the 2019 kid experience is fascinating to me. I remembering having MySpace growing up.  

I honestly still miss MySpace. It’s basically the only reason I have the limited HTML coding knowledge I have. I mainly miss that you could set specific songs on the page. 

KHJ: I don’t miss it at all. So many fights when you would set your top 5 or top 10. It was the beginning of proper social media drama, and I was just not interested in it. The intensity of that now with apps like Instagram and Snapchat is insane. 

TR: In the film, you see the role that social media plays after the major event happens. Just the way people comment and speak about it so realistic. Even the cussing in the movie feels real, like when Trey has the phone autocorrect “ducking” for the f-word. We all know about that and that feeling when you’re so mad that you just don’t even care that it typed that out because we all know what they’re trying to say. It just adds to the overall relatability and speaks to real experiences.  

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XXL Interviews XXXTENTACION from jail, talks Depression, Family, Drake

South Florida has one of the most vibrant rap scenes in the world right now. Ever since SpaceGhostPurrp shed a light on the underground with his lo-fi sound circa 2011, more national attention has been paid to the talent bubbling up in areas like Broward and Miami-Dade County. Smokepurpp, Lil Pump, Pouya and Fat Nick are just a few of the artists who’ve amassed a following for themselves in The Sunshine State and beyond. But while kids like Denzel Curry and Kodak Black are reaching new heights in their career, there’s a young leader emerging in the underground, and his name is XXXTENTACION (pronounced X-X-X-tent-asi-ohn).

The 19-year-old rapper, currently locked up in Broward County Jail on six felony charges across two jurisdictions, sounds unlike anything else out there right now. Songs on his SoundCloud, most of which boast millions of plays, make the leap between melancholy indie records and punk-rap rage, testaments to his desire to be more than just a rapper. And indeed, he’s quickly becoming something of a cult figure, as his popularity grows with each new day that he spends behind bars. He might be getting out as soon as this Wednesday (Feb. 8), when his first bond hearing will be held, but if not he’s expected to be free by March, a source familiar with the matter tells XXL.

He’s facing charges of battery and aggravated assault of a pregnant victim, battery by strangulation, false imprisonment, and tampering with or harassing a witness, victim, or informant in Miami-Dade County, while in Broward County he’s being charged with armed home invasion and aggravated battery.

His biggest song to date is “Look At Me,” the only single he’s released on iTunes and Spotify, and in the last couple weeks the track has gained a special kind of attention after Drake previewed a new cut with a flow very similar to that on “Look At Me.” The snippet prompted X to tweet at fellow Florida rapper Kodak Black wondering what was good with Drizzy’s obvious nod, and fans have since criticized Drake for hopping on yet another trend at the most opportune time.

XXL recently spoke to the rapper born Jahseh Onfroy from jail, and during our conversation he addressed the Drake controversy, touched on the status of his case, clarified who’s in Members Only, and spoke at length about what the criminal justice system in Florida gets wrong. Below are excerpts from that conversation.

XXL: How’d you first get into making music?

XXXTENTACION: I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I was very lost. I felt like music was what I was trying to use to numb my pain. Music gave me a purpose and it just came to me. I just listened to a lot of artists and it was the only thing that kind of soothed me when I was feeling crazy. I always felt crazy when I was younger and I always felt different. Music made me feel like there wasn’t anything wrong with me, music calmed me. I used music as an anti-depressant at first and then it just became something I tried to do myself.

What’s some of the first music you listened to?

The Fray, Three Days Grace, Asking Alexandria, Odd Future, Immortal Technique. I really love Immortal Technique. Papa Roach.

What was some of the first music you wrote?

I wrote two or three songs early on. I had one called “News/Flap” that was more lyrical and then I got a song called “Vice City” which is super old. That’s still up, it’s super weird because I used to be on my lyrical shit, and then I started to experiment with my sound and try an alternative sound.

What made you want to explore other sounds in your music?

I didn’t want to be just a rapper because if I was just a rapper, I wouldn’t be able to touch a certain crowd. I really wanted to be able to put my emotion and my energy into everybody and everything. Being just a rapper was very typical. Being an artist is more than being a singer or a multi-genre artist, I can also illustrate things or produce things or orchestrate things. I didn’t want to be put in that category because it seemed too small for what I felt like I was capable of. I always listened to every genre, so I didn’t want to be limited by the genre [of rap] because my mind was bigger than that. I love rap, I love melancholy, I love indie.

Do you have an official project out?

I actually have no project out. I have an EP [It Wasn’t Enough], but it was just three songs. I’ve done collectives [Members Only Vol. 1 and 2] with my collective music group, I have a lot of projects coming up, I’m gonna drop an album and a mixtape and I’ve dropped an EP or two, but it’s mainly singles and shit like that.

What are some of the projects you’re dropping when you get out?

I got this really really, really good album called 17. That’s more of an alternative, R&B sound. Then I’ve got this mixtape called I Need Jesus, which is mainly rap and the underground sound I did. So I’m trying to give my fans and anybody that comes in and listens to me everything with the mixtape and album. And then I want to come out with Members Only Vol. 3. People are gonna be really surprised about the shit I drop.

Tell me about Members Only. I know you met Ski Mask the Slump God while you were locked up for a year. How’d you meet Craig Xen and Wifisfuneral?

I met Craig when I went on a tour with $uicideboy$ and pretty much, Craig made me feel super comfortable. Craig has the same mental state that I have. We’re both on the same shit. Craig thinks the same way I do and we just got along, he’s very genuine with me. I like the $uicideboy$, they’re very genuine too, but they’re very busy guys and I wasn’t really able to get as close to them as I wanted, but Craig was an awesome guy. He’s my bro. We have the same mentality.

And how’d you meet Wifisfuneral?

I’ve known him since I was young.

Why’d you decide to form Members Only?

Members Only is a brotherhood. Members Only is a family. I always felt alone, so I built a band of brothers. Members Only was literally just a bunch of people who were taking care of me, keeping me calm so I wouldn’t end up in fucking prison and I pretty much showed them how to chase their dreams. Members Only turned into a community involving my fans, because all my fans I consider Members Only. As far as the artists on it, that’s a difference.

Who are the artists in Members Only?

Right now, I actually ended it. [Laughs] Because I’m reconstructing it, so as of right now, just myself, Ski Mask and Craig Xen. But I’m gonna be recreating it and putting artists I consider very good in it. But as of right now, just myself, Craig Xen and Ski Mask.

Your music’s got a raw edge to it. Why do you make your music sound like that?

It’s real. It’s not masked up. It can’t fit into a box. It’s its own sound, and that’s what I wanted to do, is be an individual, so doing that sound made me an individual. Being as raw as possible or as depressed as possible felt real. I made music for my pain to resonate with people, so you can feel the soul in that shit, you can feel my soul and my energy in that shit.

You produce a bit, right?

To some degree. I usually just chop shit and sample shit. I come up with all my samples, every single one of them, but as far as being able to put bass and snares on shit, I got guys for that. My main producer, his name is actually Stain. He’s a phenomenal guy, I love him. He fits me perfectly. That’s who I’m sticking to. As far as programs, I use things like FL Studio and Logic Pro.

You’ve dealt with a lot of anger and depression in your life. Where do you feel like that stuff comes from?

Being alone. With everything that my mom went through… I can’t stress that enough. I’m very thankful, she did everything she could remotely do as a woman and as I’ve grown older and looked back on everything I’ve said, I’d like to give her a bit more credit. She did everything she remotely could with the circumstances she was given. I didn’t have my dad around. It was just her.

We really have nobody, so I felt like with being placed away from her and then she having to pretty much hustle to help me, it was really being alone and being placed away from people I had any attachment to is what made me what I am. Just being alone breeds a different kind of madness and a different kind of pain, and not receiving a certain amount of love. So being away from my mom and not really having anybody around, I guess I just didn’t receive enough love.

When you started making music, was it therapeutic for you?

Hell the fuck yes. I put all my pain and my insanity and dark thoughts into my music. And putting it out there for other people to listen to made me feel like I’m doing something bad but good at the same time. So it was just a good way for me to put all my crazy ass demonic thoughts out there, and people feed on it. I saw it giving people energy and healing them, so it really multiplied. I really cherish it.

While you’ve been locked up recently, what have you been thinking about?  

I found the answer to life. I’m gonna get a lot of ridicule for this in the future, but life is but a perception. The way you perceive things is very important. I’ve learned quite a few things and this may be a really off-topic thing to talk about, but life is but brainpower. Life revolves around your brain. Life is purely the brain and your thought process. Your conscious and subconscious mind rule the world, so what I’ve learned is that nothing else matters. Nothing else matters except what you desire and what your dreams are. The whole purpose of humanity is to create, and the problem is that everybody reaches a certain point of enlightenment, it upsets the balance.

As far as what I accomplish as an artist, I want to leave something good for the youth and generations to come. I want to rebuild this world and change this world to a positive end and take my artistry and really be an artist in terms of building better jails so people don’t feel like they’re living in a fucking psych ward when they’re in here and getting all types of diseases in here. Building foster homes, doing anything I can to give back to the community and help this country in any way possible yet. [Being in here] made me want to be a better person and change my world.

Where are you locked up right now?

Broward County Jail.

How are you finding it in there?

Depressing. But it’s been a learning experience and it’s making my brain stronger.

What have you been doing in there to keep your spirit up?

Meditating. I’ve been reading the Twilight series, but mainly meditating and manifesting.

Do you know when your next court date is?

[Laughs] It’s a surprise. Just know I’m not gonna be out when they expect. I’m gonna be out way sooner than they expect.

A lot of people were talking about this recent Drake snippet where he has a new flow and it sounds like your flow on “Look At Me.” I saw you tweet at Kodak about the snippet. How do you feel about it?

I’m gonna address this whole situation. I have the utmost respect for Drake as an artist. I have respect for everyone as an artist. Now, I’m aware of what Drake does as an artist, I’m aware of what any smart artist does, because it’s one of the laws of the universe. If you study Albert Einstein, he says, “A great artist never reveals their source.”

How do I feel about the whole Drake situation is if he used the flow, by all means… it’s whatever, it’s not that serious. My whole perception has changed. But if Drake is gonna take the flow, and I don’t know if he legitimately did, but if that is the situation, at least reach out to a nigga, help a nigga out in this situation, and then if you want to run off with the flow, then run off with the flow, but I’m going through a lot right now, so it would have been nice if before that happened to me, for Drake to have reached out to me personally. He could have reached out to me personally and spoken to me and it definitely would have been more respectable. But he dropped that preview and it sounded a bit like “Look At Me” and he could be a huge, huge help in this situation to get me out of jail, because I’m facing life. So that’s just how I feel. If you’re gonna take the flow, reach out to me, help me out and then take the flow, because helping me out would have been more important.

But if he took it, kudos, that’s lit, it’s Drake. It doesn’t bother me as much as people think it does, but it’s lit at the end of the day because that’s a huge artist so it just gives me motivation to see how big I’m gonna be. My whole intention is being the biggest artist there ever was or currently is.

Who are some of the labels that have been reaching out to you?

I’ve seen a lot of labels reach out to me. I don’t want to say any names but I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m just gonna distribute singles. I’m not gonna do any record label signings, I’m not gonna sign over my fucking albums or anything like that. Initially I was almost going to, but I’m just gonna distribute my singles with certain record labels.

You’ve gotten love from some huge artists recently. DJ Carnage and iLoveMakonnen bigged you up, ASAP Rocky said you’re the hardest rapper coming out of Florida right now. Who are some people that have reached out to you while you’ve been locked up?

I heard Danny Brown reached out to me. By the way, I love Danny Brown. I fuck with “Adderal Admiral.” Lil Bibby. A$AP Rocky. I got an email from Metro Boomin. There are a couple really big names that have reached out that I can’t say because it’s gonna be a surprise, but I saw Lil Uzi say “free XXX” so that was lit. And then Debby Ryan from the Disney channel. [Laughs] Shout out to Debby Ryan, she was playing my shit on Snapchat.

Hearing all the cool names that fuck with me gives me a boost, but honestly there are way bigger names, I just can’t elaborate on them. You guys are gonna be like what the fuck? I got some crazy shit planned.

Whose come to visit you while you’ve been locked up?

My girl, two of my homeboys. That’s really been it. It’s been lonely. I understand people say you’re not alone, but I’ve been going through everything by myself. My mom took a step in and has been helping me. She hasn’t come to see me or anything like that, but she’s been beside me and I be looking out for her, take care of her, throw her money because I love her to death. She understands I’m crazy now but that’s my No. 1 fan. It’s just been my girl and my business partner Garrett. He runs a clothing brand, Revenge Official. That’s my brother, I love that nigga to death.

You post a lot of snippets on your SoundCloud. Do you plan to release the full version of any of those?

No. I have the full versions of them but I’m not gonna release them because I don’t want anybody to hear the full versions and I’m just gonna forever tease my whole fan base. [Laughs] Or I might. You never know.

Did you bounce around Florida growing up?

That’s literally what it was. I never actually totally lived in Pompano, I would always stay in Pompano when my mom would drop me off over there. So the whole thing was I was born in Plantation Hospital and then I ended up moving to North Lauderdale, but I was going from North Lauderdale to Pompano and back. And when I got kicked out from staying with my mom, I went to go stay with my grandma. So I never actually had my own crib over there [in Pompano], we never actually lived there. That’s just where I was as a jit growing up.

Do you have any kind of relationship with Kodak Black?

No, I do not. I’ve got a friend that’s actually in his group, I won’t say the name. As far as a personal relationship, I wouldn’t say I know him. But he’s from my city Broward County and I support what that nigga does thoroughly. As far as agreeing with everything he does, no, but I support that nigga thoroughly because he’s from where I’m from and whoever comes from where I’m from, I’m gonna support thoroughly. He’s from Broward, I’m from Broward, salute to that nigga.

What are you trying to do when you get out?

I’m gonna be doing a lot of investing and I really want to invest in a teenage therapy where every teenager that’s happy talks to another teenager that’s depressed. Because I feel like it’s really hard for kids to go speak to a therapist because they can’t relate to them. I want to do a teenage hotline where teens contemplating suicide can call the hotline and talk to other teenagers.

I want to give a donation to the foster homes in my state and give them PS4s and TVs and shit. I’m basically gonna try to run up my money as much as possible and give back to the community. I want to take my mom and grandma to Hawaii. My great-grandma, she’s getting very old, so I want to take her out and do something really nice before she passes. Pain resonated and I just want to show everybody they’re not alone.

What’s the status of your case?

There’s no evidence in both cases. For a conviction, it all comes down to hard evidence, and it’s sad to say I’m in jail with no evidence in any case. Broward gets paid to prosecute so that’s why they’re been holding on to me—for money. It’s not for right or wrong, it’s not because I committed anything. They’re getting money from me being in here and that’s why they’re holding on to me and a couple other inmates.

I want to get a bunch of people start a movement. Broward gets paid to prosecute, and I want to do everything in my power to end that. I want to change it to where they only get paid if they win cases. Because they’re holding on to people who literally have not committed crimes. I just saw it happen the other day. A guy was in jail for three to four months, he didn’t commit the crime and they arrested the wrong guy. He pretty much got fucked over in the process of that.

That’s actually what happened in my Broward case, they have the wrong person. I can’t go into detail, but it’s not me who committed the crime. Even though the victim in the case pretty much came to court and was trying to say it to the judge, he told my lawyer and he told the prosecutor that, but because the judge wasn’t there, it didn’t get dropped. That’s as far as what I know, the victim is saying it wasn’t me and it was someone else. Florida is fucked up, the Florida judicial system is very fucked up.

How do you feel about the police in Florida?

I want to say this as appropriately as possible, because there’s good police and there’s bad police. Everybody down here makes arrests for money. There’s no right or wrong down here. Now, that’s Broward County. It’s not about whether you’re a threat to society. I’ve actually seen quite a few good police officers in Miami-Dade, but a majority of police officers in Broward are making arrests for money. You don’t have to do anything to get arrested anymore. You could be 13, smoke weed and they’re bringing you to jail for the money. It’s not about right or wrong anymore, the society down here is fucked. There has to be a change.

How would you change that?

As far as hearsay arrests, people getting arrested with no evidence, that needs to be thrown out. Holding someone in jail for over 30 days with no evidence, they should be let go. As far as judges rescheduling and pushing court dates back for months, that needs to be changed. People’s lives need to be considered. You can’t keep taking time away from people, taking people away from their kids and family.

I was in here with someone whose mother died while they were in there. Can you imagine the feeling of being in here and your fucking mom dies and you see it on the fucking news? And you could not end up being found guilty? That’s disgusting. And these prosecutors don’t give a fuck. As long as they’re eating and making money, they don’t give a fuck, and it’s sad.

I need over 50,000 people willing to protest in the streets to end prosecutors being paid to prosecute, because the state attorney’s office is running with that shit and people in here are sick and demented.

What’s your relationship with Denzel Curry like right now?

Me and Denzel are okay. He called me, he apologized, he came to my court date. With the allegations…. he pulled a fuck nigga move. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. I ended up showing everybody that the allegations with the girl who they said was allegedly pregnant, who is not pregnant, that I allegedly beat, who I did not beat, I put all the evidence online showing that she was lying and scamming the fuck out of everybody.

She was saying she had a fracture in her brain, a fracture in her skull that was gonna make her blind and she needed $30,000, that wasn’t true. She was saying she was pregnant, that wasn’t true. She was saying I beat her, that wasn’t true. She got beat the fuck up by someone she was staying with and then came down here, got beat the fuck up, and then I let her stay with my friends.

Pretty much, [Denzel] hit up the girl and asked her if she’s alright and does she need help. I was a very good friend of Denzel and he did not consult me before he consulted the girl, so he didn’t get a chance to see whether I did the shit or not before he consulted the girl. Me and him won’t be the closest of friends due to the fact that I see where his loyalty lies, but me and him are okay now.

I saw her GoFundMe was put up and then removed.

Yeah, because everybody figured out she was lying. She was saying she needed surgery, there was nothing wrong with her. She was saying she was pregnant, but she’s not pregnant. It’s not by me. She wasn’t pregnant when I was with her. That whole situation is just fucked up. I got arrested on some fucked up charges. She stole $13,000 from me, nobody knows that. She stole $13,000 from me and fucked my friend. I just didn’t put it out there because I didn’t want to give that shit any power. Now I notice when I speak on people, it gives their names popularity and power and it helps them. She fucked me over.

What artists are you listening to these days?

New rappers? Nobody. Artists overall? Nirvana, The Weeknd and Ski Mask The Slump God. That’s it. I’m not fucking with anybody else. I’m an old head when it comes to listening to certain things, so I listen to more old shit than the new stuff. I feel like when it comes to the new stuff, I feel like I’m the most innovative as far as artistry in my generation. I feel like nobody else is meeting my standard right now. If you’ve thoroughly gone through my music… nobody’s seeing me in my generation.

How do you feel like “Look At Me” blowing up like it has?

If you think it’s big now, it’s gonna be huge. I knew when I recorded it. I’m not an egotistical person and I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but I knew it was gonna be huge, like with “can’t keep my dick in my pants,” I knew the kids were gonna love it, it’s a sound for the kids. I knew it was a hit the moment I recorded it. I expected that.

Why do you think kids gravitate to your music so much?

Because I actually give a fuck about these kids. And I mean it when I say I give a fuck about these kids. Giving certain fans money, talking to them when they’ve been depressed, answering all their questions, Persicoping shit and responding to their tweets, responding to their DMs when they message me borderline about to commit suicide, saving them. I give a fuck about these kids.

I really understand how the fuck it feels to be mentally alone. You could be in a room with a million people, but you can still be alone. And some of these kids have families that just don’t understand there’s something going on in their head bigger than everything that’s around them. I understand that feeling and I understand that feeling can drive you to the edge. I will do everything in my power to be a positive role model to these kids, because now everything I do, I’ll be held accountable for. Even if my material is vulgar or I’m seen as a bad person, as long as these kids are happy and I’m giving them something to rage to instead of being depressed, that’s all that matters to me.

How’d it feel to see all your fans show up to your court date back in January?

All of them couldn’t get in because the courtroom’s so small, they weren’t letting people in. I guess I packed it out, they packed it out. I love them. There’s no other way to say it. I love my fans. It’s remarkable sometimes and I’m very grateful, I’m very thankful for them. It was great to see the courtroom hectic and shit. It made everything a little more harder, but I’m thankful.

What’s one message you want to send to your fans?

The law of attraction is the power of your subconscious mind. Anything you can visualize or anything you believe and you give your faith to, you can create. The bad thing about the law of attraction is if you think bad things and you have too much fear within your brain, you’re gonna attract all of these things. Use the law of attraction to your advantage because they do not want you using your brain and you need to become insane to use the law of attraction. Do not put your energy into anything bad that you would not want coming back to you, and exercise the karmic cycle. Anything you give out will come back.

When I get out, I will give all of my fans and this generation information they’re not supposed to receive. The general population is not supposed to receive certain information. I’m only giving my opinion and I don’t mean to disrespect anybody, but religion is for the small-minded. All religions believe in higher powers. So if you’re gonna be a good person, be a good person. If you’re gonna be a bad person, be a bad person. It does not fucking matter. Nobody’s opinion matters. Nothing matters. Anything you put on this planet, it will stay here. If life is infinite and there’s the slightest possibility that you have to come back to this miserable fucking planet, I’d stop putting all this horrible fucking shit out here and make sure you live your life happy. Happiness is all that fucking matters. If it makes you happy, it’s all that matters, and you will struggle and struggle and struggle, but happiness will come in the end. That is my word and I promise I will help everyone find happiness or I will at least help everyone find an answer and a purpose.

[liddellwittelsbach-blog]

Rumored Buzz on honey face mask

Sit for fifteen minutes When you Allow the mask do its operate. You may use this time to soak in a very bathtub or get lunch ready. In the event the time is up, gently scrub off the mask utilizing heat h2o. When it’s all off, splash cold drinking water on to your face to close your pores. Pat dry having a towel. In this post, I share 18 awesome employs for standard substances you will find while in the kitchen. Make your own private newborn wipes, receive a recipe for just a lip scrub, give your self a steam which has a teapot and even more. Orange is a big supply for the Vitamin C and it has a variety of implications in natural beauty and fairness industry. The components utilized to prepare the orange face mask have orange as their resource product and their properties can be concluded as beneath: You may as well prepare a Do it yourself face mask to get rid of facial hair by mixing egg whites with more-high-quality white sugar and corn starch. The sugar and corn starch convert the whisked egg whites into a peel-off mask on drying. Listed here are best six DIY egg white face masks that happen to be straightforward to organize and may help resolve a wide range of skin challenges to give you toned and gorgeous skin. If needed, it is possible to master numerous hacks to individual the egg’s yolk and whites. The scrub is accompanied by an application of superior-high-quality lotion or cream that leaves your skin hydrated. A body scrub just isn't technically a therapeutic massage mainly because body therapies might be done by estheticians, who are only accredited to operate on skin, not the fundamental muscle tissue (Unless of course They can be providing therapeutic massage on the face, neck, and shoulders.) Ideas: It provides Great success, nonetheless it does just take time for you to see them. If you don’t promptly see a modify, don’t quit. It is possible to’t count on success in just a working day or two. Also, the mixture is very best used when freshly manufactured. It will provide you with the glow that you choose to’ve constantly desired. Your great skin care item s that are offered as acne creams, or cleanses, or oil stability goods will have to comprise this component.  A body scrub is done with an abrasive substance—normally sea salt or sugar—mixed with some kind of massage oil and an aromatic like necessary oils. Should the scrub takes advantage of salt, it'd be known as a salt scrub, salt glow, or sea salt scrub. Want to get healthful glowing skin with no purchasing highly-priced face goods? Excellent news! You may make a fantastic face mask working with ingredients you most likely have already got in your fridge. Stay clear of skin-harmful foods. This includes processed or refined carbohydrates as well as harmful fats. Consuming too many of those make your skin age faster. Avoid consuming a lot of sugars at the same time.[14] Please get just a little moment to complete your profile so we can personalize your experience and ensure you get material and provides which are pertinent to you. Safeguards – Few safeguards are essential for all. The set of precautions that shall be practised are: This mask may seem rather Peculiar on This web site meant for natural merchandise, but making use of Aspirin – Honey Mask for managing acne is additionally a powerful and simple Alternative.

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The perfect time to say goodbye to acne and pimples. Blend https://twitter.com/steptoremedies/status/1084943307875086336 with oatmeal and baking soda to generate the final word pimple annihilation face mask. If you want to use this mask yet again in the future, create a new batch. Purely natural face masks such as this can typically remain about a week inside the fridge, but simply to be Harmless, start out new each and every time.[4] Short article SummaryX To consider care of your skin, wash your face 2 times each day with warm h2o and a mild facial cleanser, then Carefully blot your skin dry using a comfortable towel. Apply a toner and moisturizer after you wash your face, and when you’ll be outdoors for over twenty minutes, apply sunscreen. Individual the egg and save the yolk. Crack open an egg in excess of a bowl and transfer the yolk backwards and forwards concerning the two shells. Every time the yolk falls into a shell, a small amount of the egg white ought to slide to the bowl. Retain accomplishing this till most of the egg white is in the bowl. While egg white masks are full of nutrients, the molecule is simply too big to penetrate the deeper levels from the skin. Hence, the action is limited to the higher layers from the skin. You will be superior off feeding on the egg white than applying it towards your face. Rather, utilize a face serum. The applying of an egg white mask can clog the pores and maximize the potential for breakouts for all those who have acne vulnerable skin. Other Unwanted side effects contain the unfold of microbes within the skin, as Uncooked egg whites include salmonella, a bacterium that may cause foods poisoning. Leave the mask on for ten to quarter-hour. This mask is runny and should drip down your face. To stop oneself from acquiring also messy, take into account laying down or sitting back again in a very chair along with your head tilted again. You may also use this mask in the bathtub while you are using a soothing bathtub. Meditate. That is an historic follow that has been all over for centuries—and once and for all purpose! Lots of people notice that it helps them clear their minds and unwind. If you live in the vicinity of a ShopRite, they may have aloe leaves. The just one I drop by does. Whole Foods is another That may carry them, but they can be truly expensive. Check out an egg in lieu of dairy In case you are an egg mask lover, or substitute oils, for instance olive oil, additional virgin coconut oil, or sweet almond oil For those who have dehydrated skin. If making use of oils, halve the quantity or It's going to be way too runny. Wow, I can’t wait to do this! Gonna consider it tonight because I am able to’t hold out. In this article’s the insane detail I put on my face. …I get the huge aloe leaves inside the generate segment at Wegmans. https://www.wikihow.com/Category:Skin-Care peel them and Slice the insides into small chunks that I place in the jar and hold within the fridge. Mix the elements together inside of a blender or using a fork and spoon. Implement to face, rinse off immediately after ten minutes. source:- steptoremedies to generate a thick paste and include ½ tbsp of turmeric and ½ tbsp of baking soda and blend all substances very well to generate a fantastic paste. via steptoremedies.com 's also possible to add very little h2o if this paste appears thick. "My face is incredibly oily and I have blackheads on my nose and chin. This labored rather well, I'll be employing it two times a week from now on."..." much more AO Afi Owusu

Little Known Facts About skin care.

stepto remedies begun making use of Bee Friendly (eye and face product all in a single) and I've exceptionally dry, sensitive skin. The honey is deeply moisturizing. There’s a great deal of honey masks to choose from also. excellent …….! treatment, thank you very much..May perhaps Allah The most praise deserving Offer you reward for this ameen” for providing a superb suggestions. I have troubled skin which includes clogged pores on my forehead and many blackheads on my nose, what would you suggest is the best purely natural therapies for extracting the Filth and oil in my pores? my skin may get dry quite very easily nevertheless it has a tendency to be extremely oily :(( How I utilize it is I blend orange peel powder in conjunction with chickpea flour, lemon n a pinch of turmeric. My face is blessed using a great glow n shine Egg whites tighten the skin and shrink your pores whilst the yogurt nourishes your complexion. It’s like obtaining a Botox therapy! "The way to consider care of my skin detailed served. Also the way to Be careful for my day by day diet regime. I do think These are the important issues."..." far more MN My Hanh Nguyen Thi Our masks are for cosmetic use and will not likely assist with healthcare disorders. Should you have a clinical issue you would like to deal with you should consult with an expert wellbeing practioner. hi am Ruckshana now I've a challenge that may be skin switch and more pimples as well as my skin happens to be extremely rough and in addition dark circles also so you should recommend any face mask remember to and i manufactured a solution of creating tamotos everyday but its not Doing work yha as well as no soaps can also be Doing work i hate of All of this so make sure you i humbly requste you to supply me a very good Answer nowadays i’ll check out of with banana A grape contains quite a few important nutrients and resveratrol a robust antioxidant. It not simply lessen fine line, lightens darkish places, scars, tightens sagging skin, encourages even skin tone but it also can aid to remove acne. In this post, I share my most widely used recipes for six various skin types. You'll be able to discover the ingredients for these recipes within your kitchen area. The important thing is to implement face masks formulated to your skin kind. Cucumbers are not merely perfect for salads and for detox but it surely can also be great for your skin. Since it provides a good cooling effect because it hydrates, moisturize and minimize any acne redness in only one working day. In case you are fighting acne then grapes are truly great way to remove them. Thanks to they both of those definitely excellent to cut back massive pores, also tighten them. As oranges are filled with vitamin C which By natural means exfoliates your skin. It gives you an acne cost-free skin Furthermore, it tends to make your skin brighter that final ever. Wash your face using a mild soap and utilize a gentle towel to pat it dry. Implement the mask on to your face employing a make-up brush, as or else the turmeric can go away yellow stains on fingers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8DbwDfpOU4 baking soda could sting a little, however, you don’t should get alarmed. Following eradicating this mask acquire an ice dice include it which has a clean cloth and utilize this into your face as it's going to clog the open up pores and offers you a clean seeking skin.

5 Easy Facts About coffee face mask Described

Most of us commence our working day having a cup of coffee to energise ourselves, proper? But did you know the way it can help in boosting our magnificence? Banana is packed with some crucial nutritional vitamins and nutrients that make banana face masks remarkable splendor resolve. https://www.wikihow.com/Apply-Face-Masks-Correctly shield our skin from totally free radicals and so hold off the growing old course of action. Some people go to the extent of terming bananas as Mom Mother nature’s painless very low-Charge Botox. @Konya Sen: You are certainly welcome! Bananas are probably the greatest fruit to apply on your face for all kinds of skin troubles which includes tough skin, getting old skin and uninteresting skin. Thanks too for commenting. Thanks both of those! I'm thrilled to acquire my hub picked as Hub with the Working day! It's so thrilling and it tends to make me exceptionally delighted! Thank you on your practical comments! I can even explain to the difference between raw honey manufacturers I use for my honey mask. A high quality area raw honey manufactured my skin glow in a means I didn’t observe with the other Uncooked honey I tried. You'll find an incredible source of high quality Uncooked honey Listed here. Supply Creating your individual handmade face masks and scrubs is fairly simple. Why buy a store-bought face mask when You can utilize basic elements observed around the dwelling for making masks that Charge pennies? My skin is combination of equally, too much oil always on my forehead. I exhausted using medicated soaps ( I applied med soap acne, salic lac foam etcetera) now I stopped working with these. Remember to recommend some excellent face packs to stop oil on my forehead and modest acne on my forehead. Hope you all are inside the pink of your respective health and fitness and savoring this lovely spring year. Currently early morning, I'd orange marmalade and orange sandwich…oops veg sandwich in my breakfast. Get an index of necessary oils that operate for all skin varieties. Not all critical oils work for all skin sorts. Some may well burn or harm delicate skin, such as. providing all sorts of oranges. Every single time that I drop by the market for buying, I don’t forget about to choose a packet of oranges to quench my enjoy for this favorite fruit of mine. So, by now you will need to have recognized that now’s put up is regarding how to make an efficient face mask for oily skin utilizing this wonder fruit. Gals have been employing orange considering the fact that ages to pamper their skin and it is among the secrets behind flawless skin For numerous Gals, who not simply eat it consistently, but additionally apply it in a variety of forms like pulp, juice and also inside the dry peel powder type on their own skin. Incorporate within your eating plan a number of fruits and greens of different shades. You can even acquire an around-the-counter every day multivitamin with minerals to boost your nutrient consumption for those who’re not having a well balanced diet plan. I would want to obtain something which assistance the skin to go back to a firmer condition… it just started to become a bit… euh… slack… at particular location. Can you combine baking soda, turmeric, yogurt, and orange juice Together with the banana and acquire the benefits all in a single for the wrinkle and acne masks?

Not known Facts About skin care

"It was surprisingly easy and easy to do. I'll continue executing this facial for a easy and more youthful seeking skin. Many thanks." RD Rylie Doosendorf Moisturize. Once your face is clear and dry, apply your preferred moisturizer on your face and neck. Even with no moisturizer, it is best to see that the skin is smoother and brighter even just after 1 therapy. I have tried lots of residence facials, but I have in no way heard about, or tried a banana mask right before. This is so exciting :). I am unable to wait to test it. Thanks for sharing, and you're photographs are awesome. Eventually, whisk the combination along with a fork and use it for your face using your fingers or possibly a cotton ball. To learn how to make a nourishing egg facial mask, scroll down! Guantee that you utilize pure important oil, not fragrance oil meant for diffusers or soap-earning. If you can't uncover any, check out one teaspoon of lemon juice as an alternative. Clean your face with warm h2o to open up your pores. Working with cleanse arms or perhaps a cotton ball, utilize the combination onto your face, keeping away from the delicate regions all around your mouth and eyes. We've mentioned that Dr. Oz calls bananas mother nature’s Botox? Nicely, he is onto some thing! The nutrients in bananas have the facility to considerably decrease the appearance of wrinkles and make the skin look much more supple and youthful. I had all of the substances for that pimple battling mask, built it, and used it! I need to say it DOES NOT have a pleasant odor whatsoever, but my skin feels so clear and fresh new! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtiOgWbEcCg applied jojoba oil afterward to moisturize. Good recipe! I'd leftover so I'll freeze it and use it subsequent time. Who says egg whites are only for people with oily, acne-susceptible skin? This hydrating egg white mask is great for people with dry skin, also! It incorporates powerful ingredients which include avocado, a foods full of many nutritional vitamins and healthier fats, which can be great for hydrating and moisturizing your skin to make it supple, soft, and easy. The egg white will feed your skin with nourishing nutrients which include protein and riboflavin. [one] It is actually gentle sufficient to use on sensitive skin, and when you insert other ingredients to it, it can help with other skin ailments way too, for instance abnormal oiliness or discoloration. Many thanks for generally providing wonderful facts. I would love to try the turmeric mask – just pondering if it gained’t shade the skin tone to yellow. Don't apply the combination to broken skin or squeezed pimples. Making use of baking soda to damaged skin and squeezed pimples will only make them worse, so keep away from these locations.[ten] If you get the mask with your eyes, It's going to be quite irritating. Should you ingest it, the Uncooked egg in the mask can cause food poisoning. Place the ripe banana in a small mixing bowl and mash it having a fork right up until you've got a lump-no cost paste. Then combine during the honey and lemon juice and Mix all substances totally.

A Review Of honey face mask

That's why, banana, becoming Just about the most refreshing fruits obtainable All year long. It can help in rejuvenating the skin and bringing the glow back again. 4 tbsp. finely floor espresso or coffee beans (already ground coffee and in some cases instant coffee do the job if you don't have your very own grinder) Honey has incredible antibacterial Attributes that assist sooth discomfort and inspire the growth of recent skin tissue. This may cut down redness and soothe any soreness. When you have aloe vera gel or glycerin, you can utilize that in addition, as these both of those have comforting properties also. Apart from applying orange juice and peels on skin, it is possible to take in this fruit and its juice routinely to boost immunity, help in digestion, protect against kidney stones, lower Extra fat deposits, teat poor breath, lower blood pressure and cholesterol stages, and reduce the probability of establishing cardiovascular disease. Share A great face mask for regenerating the skin and providing it a youthful glow. Suitable for all ages, and all skin varieties. You are able to do the egg white facial as portion of your respective weekly skin upkeep routine. For face masks targeted to blocking excessively oily skin, take a look at this hub alternatively: ... Oats not just nourishes skin of all types and also absorbs extra sebum from inside of your pores as it is an absorbent. This acne-fighting mask gives nourishing, exfoliating and cleansing benefits to skin. Just give these masks a attempt. They're virtually free of charge and you don’t require to search the world to obtain the mandatory substances. In a nutshell, you have nothing to lose apart from your acne. Why don't you give it a try out? how often need to i use this mask to find out outcomes but i also dont want to break my skin through the use of to Considerably if tht is smart Working with orange peel, raw honey, and oats, this recipe is great for obtaining rid of acne and infamous pimples. Raw honey has antibacterial Attributes that clear away germs that trigger acne from deep throughout the skin pores. She's an award winning dermatologist for fantastic contribution in the sector of dermatology. Apart from dermatology, she is a skilled cosmetologist from renowned Harley Street, London. She has worked with a number of the nicely-set up British isles dermatology institutes with exposure on the whole and specialised dermatology for eight years. Her medical skills includes acne treatment method, facial rejuvenation and several characteristics of beauty dermatology. If you are finished applying for the affected acne areas, wait for about ten minutes and after that rinse off your entire face With all the lukewarm h2o. If you'd like a mask to your whole face, then a few to 4 tablespoons of cinnamon powder would be enough, and be sure to have plenty of honey for making a free paste Using the cinnamon powder.

The 2-Minute Rule for egg white face mask

Steer clear of putting on damaged skin. Should you have any cuts or open up acne with your face, steer clear of implementing the scrub to Those people places since the lemon juice will sting them. Additionally, the friction from making use of the scrub may possibly make your acne worse. System: Have a ripe banana and mash it using a spoon or simply a fork in a very bowl until it varieties a smooth lump free pulp. Include 1/2 tsp. of baking soda and one/2 tsp. of turmeric powder and mix the ingredients completely. If you're feeling the mixture is too thick to apply, incorporate somewhat h2o. Mix the leftover ground coffee beans with water. Bear in mind there should be more coffee than water, because the outcome must be a relatively shut texture to some product or maybe a paste than the usual liquid. Some recipes alter the drinking water for milk for more hydration. Uncooked honey by itself is Wonderful, but You may as well mix and match other food stuff-primarily based ingredients to tailor your mask in your unique skin style. All these elements have their own individual super powers and can assist you cleanse your face of your oil and Dust along with the acne leading to cells. Coconut oil is really a hydrator, it will present nourishment to skin that dehydrated and dry. 1. Pull your hair back that has a head band to circumvent hairs from receiving trapped during the mask; it’s quite sticky! • Mix orange peel powder and Uncooked milk in equal quantities to form a easy paste. Set it aside for two or three several hours. An egg has many antioxidants which make your skin glow and owning Banana inside the face pack provides a far more nutritional significance to it. Repeat after a week. Only try this mask after each week. Carrying out it more than which could induce your skin to be dry and irritated. The mask should strengthen the caliber of your skin and minimize the appearance of acne. I have go through and settle for the privateness coverage Red Website link to Media collects private data for interior use only. Less than no conditions will your data be transferred to third events without having your authorization. Here are some seriously very simple Do-it-yourself face mask recipes that are getting to be very talked-about between honey fans. The steps and elements involved in each mask are really easy that you could prepare it in a couple of minutes. Not simply it is possible to take in a banana for your personal overall heath, but apply Furthermore, it on your own skin as a all-natural face mask. Here is a rundown on 4 face masks that can be produced by using banana as the primary ingredient, Particularly selected by our workforce, that could offer you glowing, young and wrinkle no cost skin. Combine lemon juice, sugar, and honey in the bowl. The amount you employ will rely all on your own personalized Choices. Try beginning with 1 / 4 cup of brown sugar after which including lemon juice and honey to it right up until it reaches your desired consistency. More virgin coconut oil is a favourite among Do it yourself splendor merchandise aficionados. It really is antibacterial, and filled with antioxidants and cost-free radicals that hold the skin wanting young.

coffee face mask Can Be Fun For Anyone

This mix of attributes, along with some great benefits of honey which we’re currently defined make for a fantastic acne treatment method. https://www.facebook.com/steptoremedies/posts/2088296957930240 of skin-detrimental foods. This features processed or refined carbohydrates and also unhealthy fats. Consuming too many of such make your skin age faster. Steer clear of consuming too many sugars in addition.[14] A lot of the masks and people Utilized in European festivals belong to your contrasting groups of the 'fantastic', or 'idealised attractiveness', set from the 'hideous' or 'beastly' and grotesque. Pacific Northwest Coastal indigenous teams have been generally remarkably skilled woodworkers. Their masks have been often learn-parts of carving, sometimes with movable jaws, or simply a mask inside of a mask, and areas moved by pulling cords. Total-face diving mask as A part of self-contained breathing apparatus for divers and Many others; some let the wearer talk to Other folks through a developed-in interaction product Skip the recent drinking water when bathing or showering, and use lukewarm drinking water instead. Warm drinking water can truly feel calming, nonetheless it may also strip your skin of its purely natural oils. Create a paste out of equal portions of coffee powder and cocoa powder by mixing it with a certain amount of honey. Apply within the face and neck and clean off when you are feeling its appropriate. All You should do is spread some honey over your face and wait around quarter-hour. Clean the honey off making use of lukewarm drinking water, then Carefully pat your face dry that has a comfortable, thoroughly clean towel.[23] In China, masks are assumed to obtain originated in ancient spiritual ceremonies. Images of people wearing masks are actually found in rock paintings alongside the Yangtze. Afterwards mask forms delivers together myths and symbols from shamanism and Buddhism.[37] This is excellent! I have been hunting ALL over for a little something similar to this! I will need to consider Every recipe. Thank you for sharing!! Application: Implement a single layer of the mixture on your complete face and down onto your throat. Watch for a couple of minutes right until it dries. Then, apply a 2nd layer and retain making use of right until you have got made use of The complete batch. Masks in numerous sorts (sacred, realistic, or playful) have played a vital historical job in the development of understandings about "what it means to generally be human", since they allow the imaginative expertise of "what it is like" for being remodeled into a distinct identification (or to affirm an present social or spiritual id).[22] Not all cultures have known the usage of masks, but The majority of them have.[23] Masks in overall performance Do this before you decide to drop by mattress and depart the mask on overnight. Rinse https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGbd85YXuAI with warm water the subsequent morning. It is recommended to do this for 2 months then evaluate the results. Essentially, the amount of honey need to be sufficient To combine properly With all the pulp. Mix properly into a uniform paste along with your apple honey mask is ready to use.

The Ultimate Guide To orange face mask

will definitely try dis tomarow ….aaj i have to arrange my chandan pack…. Kal pakka isko try karoongi waise me tooo like feeding on oranges lots It’s deeply nourishing on the skin and loaded with protecting antioxidants that defend the skin in opposition to untimely growing older and cost-free radicals.  https://www.wikihow.com/Take-Care-of-Your-Skin is a abundant source of antioxidants that protects our skin against free of charge radicals that destruction and age us. The caffeine in coffee stimulates the skin and improves blood circulation on the face, that is perfect for healthful mobile turnover that makes us look radiant and dazzling. As this mask could possibly get messy, It could be a smart idea to tie or pin your hair back. You may also want to take into account draping a towel around your chest and shoulders to protect your dresses. how frequently should really i use this mask to discover benefits but i also dont want to wreck my skin through the use of to A great deal if tht is sensible Avocado has fantastic humidity in it and it hydrates the skin making it supple and delicate. Banana is helpful versus inflammation and skin cracks. providing all kinds of oranges. Every single time which i check out the market for shopping, I don’t fail to remember to select a packet of oranges to quench my adore for this favourite fruit of mine. So, by now you should have understood that currently’s publish is regarding how for making a powerful face mask for oily skin working with this wonder fruit. Women are actually working with orange since ages to pamper their skin and it is one of the insider secrets driving flawless skin For numerous Women of all ages, who not merely take in it regularly, but will also implement it in numerous kinds like pulp, juice and in some cases inside the dry peel powder sort on their skin. I’ve been a make-up and skincare junkie practically my complete life. Trust me Once i let you know that no other store purchased scrub, Irrespective of how costly, has even occur near this super simple selfmade coffee scrub and mask. I get the best effects from it! Wash the mask off and pat your face dry. Use lukewarm water and splash it onto your face. Gently wash the mask off and keep away from scrubbing your face as well hard. Use a delicate, cleanse towel to pat your face dry. "It really is really refreshing and efficient. It can be the easiest face mask for making with what is presently on-hand. I tried it and received Great benefits."..." far more CK Corrina Knape There’s a little something about coffee! Its a stuff that Many of us cannot Are living with out, I am able to, but I'm sure quite a few who undoubtedly will need their crucial dose of cuppa of their existence. Likewise, in beauty sector, coffee is raved about its attractiveness Positive aspects. Scrubs, system butters, system lotions, face creams proclaiming the goodness of coffee have caught our interest and I get coffee-rich splendor stuff for its superb and rich aroma While I'm not a compulsive coffee drinker, I seldom have coffee! two. Lemon juice is electrical power filled with all of the goodness of vitamin C and is superb for oily skin. It clears blackheads and whiteheads in addition to helps prevent new breakouts. It clears existing acne as well and lightens complexion in excess of a time frame with normal use. I attempted it yesternight …… The outcome had been incredible …… My face was truely glowy glowy ……. I applied the rice powder wnich I've grinded myself…. It has a certain amount of gritty framework which gave a wonderfull scrubbing xperience ….. Totaly in appreciate with the outcome….. *Thankyou* *thankyou* "It absolutely was quite simple and easy to complete. I will go on doing this facial for just a easy and more youthful seeking skin. Many thanks." RD Rylie Doosendorf

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Other masks that have exaggerated extended faces and wide foreheads symbolize the soberness of one's obligation that includes electric power. War masks also are popular. The Grebo with the Ivory Coast and Liberia carve masks with round eyes to signify alertness and anger, with the straight nose to symbolize unwillingness to retreat.[thirty] Yes, you can peel it off. It can be challenging to do if you use a skinny layer while. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/722616702689372453/ don’t Feel it would assistance remove facial hair; no less than it hasn’t for me thus far. The present utilizes are as miniature masks for tourist souvenirs, or on cell phones, the place they cling as good-luck talismans. Japan (It is possible to decide on and upload upto 5 visuals inside a comment. The whole size of all your pictures must be lower than 1 MB. Click button and ensure to pick out all the photographs you want to add.) Hello there, I intend To accomplish this every day for perhaps a handful of weeks. How many eggs will I would like? some youtube video clips say i only want 1, two utmost. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YocarBNFYX8 do think they hold the white in a jar. Do I have to place it from the fridge? Sorry for asking a lot of issues. I hope you'll be able to answer them. Thanks! The Iroquois built amazing picket ‘Phony face’ masks, Employed in healing ceremonies and carved from residing trees. These masks look in a fantastic selection of designs, depending on their exact purpose. Welding mask to protect the welder's face and eyes through the brightness and sparks produced all through welding Although the niqāb ordinarily demonstrates membership of some Islamic Neighborhood, its objective is to not hinder recognition, even though it falls underneath some anti-mask rules including the French ban on face covering. Occupational Turmeric powder and orange juice have powerful skin-lightening Homes and make this mask an exceptionally effective remedy for acne scars and darkish places, as well. Here i will discuss ideal 6 Do it yourself egg white face masks that are simple to prepare and can assist remedy an array of skin issues to provide you with toned and lovely skin. If required, you can master several hacks to separate the egg’s yolk and whites. . "As we become old, it breaks down, making strains and huge pores." Skincare experts disagree on a number of factors, but A lot of them consider retinoids for being a miracle skin saver. Surgical mask, a bit of healthcare machines that assists to safeguard the two the surgeon and individual from getting infection from each other Sure, after the honey mask I washed off that has a heat face cloth then I do the plan right before mattress eg, use moisteriser . If you have dry skin, contemplate cold product like Pond's, which the French use, or make your own personal organic and natural cold cream making use of this straightforward chilly product recipe. Basically utilize the cream, then wipe off, no drinking water desired (if you have really hard drinking water, it might be Particularly harsh on skin).

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For the reason that peel is full of vitamin C, it shields skin from absolutely free radical destruction, retains acne at bay and encourages a healthier glowing skin. The oatmeal deep cleanses your pores and drives out any Grime, grime and oil within the surface on the skin. Here are 5 efficient face packs for an acne-absolutely free skin. So now that you're properly versed Using the many skin beneficial Attributes of banana allow us to now go onto ways to change your skin making use of The common-or-garden fruit banana. Masks really should remain on for 10-quarter-hour. I love washing masks off which has a steaming very hot washcloth. I operate a washcloth less than warm h2o, squeeze out the excess drinking water after which you can press to my face for a full minute. I then gently wash off the mask in a round motion. Washcloths are amazing for exfoliating. Consuming a fantastic volume of h2o day after day will help quite a bit. Also, wash your face and consider off all makeup just about every night time. Decrease your pressure ranges. Strain can not simply wreck havoc on your own mind and slumber, but your skin at the same time. It can result in acne, breakouts, along with other skin troubles. Set realistic targets and limits for yourself, and leave time every week so that you could do things which you get pleasure from. Your face is definitely the ‘showroom’ of your life that lens very first perception on anyone you fulfill. If exactly the same is not favouring you, you very seriously must exercise for a much better face. Big pores are possible breeding grounds for microbes that result in bulbous zits and cysts, meaning pore-tightening egg white may help minimize acne. Do not choose your pimples. You can make the inflammation even worse and you've got a method bigger possibility of obtaining a scar even immediately after it goes away. There are a number of good strategies for having rid of pimples in this post on wikiHow. Pamper on your own with an easy, exfoliating, Do it yourself face scrub that you can make in the home. All you will need is brown sugar and olive oil, and you will whip up an awesome therapy to safely cleanse off These lifeless cells! Insert the honey to your egg white and lemon juice, and blend all the things once more. You will need ½ tablespoon of honey. Make certain that it's the translucent, runny sort. Honey is antibacterial and acts for a natural antiseptic. It is additionally moisturizing and can help replenish the skin.[3] "My face desired just a little help with moisturizing, and this helped me with that. " Rated this text: Congrats about the hub on the working day! This hub is in fact an exceedingly balanced splendor face mask treatment options I ever heard about. Many thanks for sharing. Voted up and bookmark for later on use. Do not use moisturizers with sunscreen at nighttime, the substances will not be intended for use 24/7 and might aggravate skin. When choosing a sunscreen, be certain it consists of Mexoryl. Patricia Wexler endorses Women of all ages exfoliate each day. "This at the time-a-7 days detail is nonsense. But, I think You should know your skin. You should never ever appear purple or irritated—you'll want to search superior Once you scrub."

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Sorry, we just have to ensure that you're not a robotic. For most effective effects, make sure you make certain your browser is accepting cookies. An unbelievable moisturizer and lubricating agent. Coconut oil is blessed with balanced nutrients that nourish dry skin. Say goodbye to flaky peeling skin! [sixteen] Attempt several of the following relaxation procedures: Have a walk within the block. This will help you to operate off some steam. The clean air may also enable quiet your head. You'll be able to add castor oil to additional soften your skin and eliminate great lines, wrinkles and crow’s-ft. Uncooked honey was prized for its healing Qualities in ancient civilizations. In Egyptian And Ayurvedic traditions, honey was used to take care of skin wounds and Problems (read through more details on The traditional works by using of honey listed here). Incorporate matcha powder, honey and oil in a little bowl and mix effectively. (In the event you don’t have matcha powder, Slash open a eco-friendly tea bag and make use of the leaves.) Implement this into the face and go away it for quarter-hour prior to washing off warm h2o. Be sure you add only ½ a teaspoon or not less than five drops of lemon juice. You don’t want your skin to have a harsh pink complexion additionally a burning sensation! It’s nasty, have confidence in me. Picture: Karen Cox/SheKnows For people who don’t have time to whip up a whole Do it yourself banana mask, a contemporary banana versus inflamed skin may do the trick. Your browser is now not supported For improved safety and an optimized expertise on Flipkart.com, upgrade your browser or set up the most recent Model of any other browser. The orange powder is An important and big ingredient component of the complete treatment. It can be ready very easily at your house by creating using following actions. Decide on one that fits your skin style so you are on the approach to getting many advantages of honey to your skin! Further augmenting the restorative effect of the treatment are two complementary components, specifically, yogurt and honey. 5. Distribute every one of the peels on the tray and location under the sun to dry. Ensure that you go over the tray by using a Internet or a skinny fabric to avoid insects and dust from entering into contact with them. Orange peel is known to soak up excessive oil or sebum from oily skin. This face mask also works by using coconut oil, which functions wonders in driving out the ‘lousy’ acne-resulting in oil from deep inside of your skin pores.

sugar face mask - An Overview

No you are able to do these. These will not have any poor Negative effects. Somewhat these will beautify and soften your skin……… By: Spread the paste on to your face, preventing your eyes and nostrils. Therapeutic massage the combination gently into your skin to exfoliate useless cells. This magical face mask can show effective in keeping the signs of ageing including pimples and fantastic strains at bay. Orange peel is superb for minimizing oxidative pressure in skin cells, which consequently helps in protecting a youthful glowing skin. four. Banana Face Mask to combat wrinkles: A lot of people get in touch with bananas as painless, affordable normal Botox, plus they rightly do this! Bananas are packed with powerful nutrients to remarkably diminish the appearance of wrinkles, and make your skin seem young and radiant. Here is a quick rationalization regarding how to make Sunshine-dried orange peel powder in your own home. For a more in-depth clarification, I clarify the procedure intimately With this simple tutorial. Banana staying a prosperous all-natural supply of potassium and vitamin A is regarded as among the best natural skin care substances. Based on the BBC, a person by the title of Sam Edwards from Wrexham, Wales credited honey with saving his leg! Following remaining cut by a koi carp, he turned contaminated with Mycobacterium marinum and produced a scarce skin problem. However, if you need to help you save some money and continue to treat your face to care that may maintain you seeking your very best, you may make your very own facial sugar mask. The sugar In this particular mask functions as a mild exfoliate to remove dead skin cells from your face. Thnx a whole lot fr ur speedy rply chandni…m a great deal relievd nw…m glad dat i cme on diz website page n satisfy a frnd like u…thnx fr these kinds of beneficial n easy DIY home fce packs without a doubt as ud skin luks so distinct gorgeous n youthful wil attempt dem as i hve dry skin…can u advise a simple solution fr less than eye darkish circles thnx in advnce I’ve been using an historic Asian masks for a couple of days now and my skin feels terrific! The recipe for a tremendous bowl is: one spoon of pure termeric powder (yellow-brownish spice), two spoons of pure honey, two spoons of all purely natural yogurt ( any will do), two spoons of brown rice powder, half of the lemon, and you could possibly incorporate 1 egg white however the egg white isn’t in the first recipe. I make use of a raw honey mask numerous periods each week (from time to time on a daily basis), And that i’ve discovered a definite improvement inside the tone and softness of my skin. I love it even more for The reality that it’s completely edible and doesn’t expose my skin to the chemical substances present in most attractiveness items. Combining egg whites with honey and lemon juice helps make a remarkably effective DIY egg white face mask for acne. Honey has sturdy antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties which make it incredibly effective against acne. Fights free of charge radical harm, bolsters the skin’s UV resistance, prevents and reduces the appearance of wrinkles. Is aptly called "the protector." @sandy: Use each other day and go away it on for at least quarter-hour. Even though you don't have time, utilize it at the least as soon as every week - you are going to continue to see the real difference. Orange peel powder is great for it refreshes and brightens your skin!

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> Who doesn’t wish to scent fantastic all day extended? A good scent can not merely make you odor amazing, it may possibly enhance your self-confidence manifold. I also deliver variations of the mask so that it is well suited for standard, dry, oily and delicate skin. Once weekly, make use of a sugar scrub or exfoliating cloth to eliminate lifeless skin cells. If you don make-up, thoroughly clean your make-up brushes on a regular basis to circumvent the build-up and spread of microbes. To find out how your diet program can have an impact on your skin’s health, keep reading! Include the honey towards the egg white and lemon juice, and mix almost everything once again. You may need ½ tablespoon of honey. Ensure that it is the translucent, runny style. Honey is antibacterial and functions for a pure antiseptic. It is also moisturizing and assists replenish the skin.[3] It dries in about 10 minutes. I wash it off After i get inside the shower. I found a fast and substantial distinction in my great strains, big pores, black heads and general skin texture. Enable me you should I have a foul skin because of pimple scars and black heads. Is that this egg yolk and lemon is good for my skin Many of us require one another to advertise our Hubs and acquire the term out. Have a next to adhere to me, and ill comply with you appropriate again. Thanks! Make use of a ripe avocado so that it is much easier to mash it into a lump-free paste. You can even freeze, then thaw it right before mashing to make factors less complicated. In case you have a blender, utilize it instead of a fork to speedily and effectively blend the avocado right into a lump-cost-free puree. You need to use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to the Hubpages account. No details is shared with Facebook Except you engage with this aspect. (Privacy Coverage) Honey performs properly for tightening our skin and is a great moisturizer. I go through all of your articles or blog posts and uncover them exceptionally handy. You happen to be this sort of an excellent author and you simply give us an in-depth information regarding anything you publish. Just gonna say right here, that you are lacking out by not utilizing the yolk. I beat 1 egg very well and put it in a little glass jar for storage in my fridge. Every morning I get it out and generously utilize it all over my face. Acquire one clean banana and mash it in a very clean up bowl, incorporate egg yolk and 1 desk spoon of honey and mix each of the elements extensively. Use this face pack throughout your face (maintain clear of eyes), neck and cucumber slice on your own eyes. Within a bowl, choose some orange peel powder, sugar and almond oil. Make certain the level of sugar is equal for the peel powder and below you have got a fairly easy recipe to a stunning smelling lip balm that’s successful and easy for making. Maintain your eyes very clear although implementing these banana face mask, Address your eyes with freshly Slice cucumber slices. This also assist to lessen the appearance of dark circle under your eyes.

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Combine the egg white and lemon juice. Utilizing a fork, promptly whisk the two substances till the egg white turns into foamy and frothy. You'll want to usually discard the utilized facial mask mainly because it could have the micro organism from a earlier facial. hi am Ruckshana now i have a problem that is definitely skin turn plus more pimples and in addition my skin is now extremely tough and in addition darkish circles also so you should suggest any face mask remember to and i produced a solution of making tamotos each day but its not working yha as well as no soaps is also Operating i despise of all this so you should i humbly requste you to provide me a fantastic Remedy these days i’ll attempt of with banana Go away it on for around quarter-hour after which clean it off with heat h2o. Dry your face by using a thoroughly clean, delicate towel then use some moisturizer. Do this a few times per week, although not over that. Depart the mask on for ten to 15 minutes. This mask is runny and may drip down your face. To circumvent oneself from receiving also messy, consider laying down or sitting down back again inside of a chair with the head tilted again. It's also possible to use this mask within the bathtub while you're getting a relaxing bathtub. As my skin is further sensitive and i am 26 I'm able to’t use any chemical product. Could you make sure you counsel me how often i must use this banana lime and honey face mask as I've oily and sensitive skin. Thanks in advance. -When you rinse your face with lukewarm drinking water, clean it again with cold h2o a couple of minutes afterwards. This will likely tone your face and boost the firmness of one's face muscles. This is actually the best egg white face mask for growing old skin. It helps smooth out wrinkles and hydrate growing older skin, which makes it glimpse youthful. Image edited by healthmunsta Thnx a great deal fr ur rapid rply chandni…m a lot relievd nw…m glad dat i cme on diz web site n meet up with a frnd like u…thnx fr this sort of practical n uncomplicated DIY home fce packs little doubt as ud skin luks so clear gorgeous n youthful wil consider dem as i hve dry skin…can u counsel a simple remedy fr under eye dark circles thnx in advnce i have quite a few pimples given that 7 decades n also hvng darkish places of dat.. i hv experimented with evry possibl detail.. but nthng work.. my skin variety is Blend.. n m also hvng white heads also.. even afta gng for cleanse up nthng High definition workd still.. how banana wl help me.. n in what number of dayss… @vishnum969: Certainly, egg white is highly successful For a lot of skin ailments together with acne susceptible skin and ageing skin. The chemical compounds current in these common methods to acne might be severe on your own skin, along with the potent combination of chemicals can influence Your system in other ways in which you'll have never envisioned. With regards to the honey mask technique, You need to use it combined with the medication you may currently be using and it gained’t interfere in any way. Wonderful Hub! Head checking mines out? By the way if anybody would like to adhere to me I'll stick to you ideal back again! I want to make a community of followers, the more the merrier, you scratch my back I scratch yours! I washed it off immediately and dint let the banana function its magic. What can be the challenge ? Many thanks

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Check out an egg instead of dairy Should you be an egg mask lover, or substitute oils, for example olive oil, additional virgin coconut oil, or sweet almond oil When you have dehydrated skin. If applying oils, halve the quantity or Will probably be much too runny. It is your decision. It is best to do it just after washing your face, which can be Generally finished each morning and evening. A lot of people use masks in the evening, as that's after they have essentially the most time. You may not see the effects you'd like straight away. Try out a mask for about one month right before identifying if you may proceed working with it. 2tsp wheatgerm oil Guidance: Blend the many substances into a clean paste. Use and therapeutic massage the combination into skin. Retain the mask on for 20 minutes. This services permits you to enroll in or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, to be able to generate money from advertisements on your own posts. No info is shared Except you engage with this particular function. (Privateness Plan) , the aged Edition that contained coloring and was thickened with food items gums.It truly is accurate that the watery Egg Whites You should not look very appetizing after you pour themout from the carton, Nevertheless they include By natural means Utilizing honey masks for acne treatment can be a highly regarded house solution and if you are seriously interested in treating your acne within a purely natural, harmless way or if Your system does not respond perfectly to absorbing medicines product of harsh substances, then honey masks are the appropriate option for you. Don't be afraid of fats, but Guantee that They are really the good form. Olive oil contains monounsaturated fatty acids, which may help keep your skin wanting youthful. Stay away from the Sunshine in between 10am and 2pm, as That is when its rays are most unsafe.[18] If you don't like donning sunscreen, think about using a moisturizer or Basis that have already got sunscreen in it. As this mask might get messy, It will be a good idea to tie or pin your hair back again. You might also want to take into account draping a towel about your upper body and shoulders to shield your apparel. This content material is accurate and correct to the most effective with the creator’s know-how and is not intended to substitute for official and individualized suggestions from a qualified professional. Immediately after viewing merchandise detail internet pages, glimpse listed here to discover a straightforward strategy to navigate again to webpages you are interested in. The substances current in these popular answers to acne can be severe on your skin, plus the powerful mixture of substances can influence Your system in other ways in which you will have by no means envisioned. In terms of the honey mask strategy, You may use it combined with the medication you could already be taking and it gained’t interfere in any way. Co-authored by wikiHow Staff members

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As this mask might get messy, it would be a good idea to tie or pin your hair back. You may additionally want to look at draping a towel about your upper body and shoulders to safeguard your outfits. So girls, upcoming time if you love tangy oranges, don’t forget to feed your skin with all the splendor benefits of this super tasty fruit. That’s it for right now, until eventually next time, get care and stay tuned to IMBB. Just one professional recommends introducing ginger for the warming, spicy scent, or a mixture of ginger and citrus oils for example grapefruit or orange for a refreshing scent to give you kickstart.[4] In the event you’re accomplishing the facial during the night time, you would possibly try using a enjoyable scent like lavender. Author Info > Who doesn’t need to scent good all day long prolonged? A very good scent can not only cause you to smell brilliant, it can raise your self-confidence manifold. This company permits you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can get paid dollars from adverts with your articles. No knowledge is shared Except you engage using this attribute. (Privacy Plan) Fresh new papaya mashed , some drops of lime juice combined in helps make a good mask for getting old skin. Papaya is substantial in Enzymes. It corporations the skin and assists also with sunburn. I continue to keep it on for approximately twenty to 30 minutes . 3. The face scrub should not be drippy. Usually do not increase much more olive oil, as this could dissolve the sugar. Introducing too minimal olive oil will make your face scrub rough and dry which is able to result in skin redness. I do think the admin of this Web page is genuinely Doing work tricky for his Internet site, as below just about every things is quality based details. You should utilize any that actually works nicely for you, however, if you use olive or coconut oil within the mask after which you can use an oil infused moisturizer, it could induce breakouts When you've got oily or combination skin. No, since it has too much oil in it. The simple mask operates since the lemon juice acts as an astringent, although the honey will help filter the acne-resulting in microorganisms. Thanks! Sure No Not Practical fourteen Valuable forty six Blend all the above mentioned components in a little bowl. Apply a thick coat with the combination onto your clear face. Enable it sit for 15 minutes or right until it dries out. Repeat once each week. Only make this happen mask at the time every week. Undertaking it more than which will result in your skin to become dry and irritated. The mask should increase the quality of your skin and lower the looks of acne. This is always what I take advantage of. I have super dry skin that flakes no matter what(using this exception)even coconut oil doesn't get it done for me but olive oil is HG On the subject of hydrating my skin it is the another thing that precise leaves it glowing

The smart Trick of skin care That No One is Discussing

Sorry, we just should be sure you're not a robotic. For very best benefits, please be sure your browser is accepting cookies. Inuit teams fluctuate commonly and don't share a common mythology or language. Not remarkably their mask traditions are also typically distinctive, Whilst their masks are frequently manufactured out of driftwood, animal skins, bones, and feathers. See also: Masks between Eskimo peoples When the time is up, rinse your face Carefully till all the combination is totally absent. Pat dry with a towel. If your face is dry immediately after this mask, use a fall of coconut or olive oil like a purely natural moisturizer. Turmeric masks have an everyday spot in my elegance regime — I do them after each week. They’ll leave a slight yellow hue on the skin, but that fades in about half an hour. In case you observe residue following the 30 minute mark, you can soak a cotton ball with milk and go more than Individuals areas. Masks are an important Section of lots of theatre varieties through entire world cultures, and their usage in theatre has usually formulated from, or proceeds to be Portion of previous, really complex, stylized theatrical traditions. Modern theatre Masks may also be common as pieces of package related to useful functions, typically protective. There has been a proliferation of these masks just lately but there is a protracted history of protecting armour as well as health care masks to beat back plague. A rib knit 3-hole balaclava lets the wearer to shield the face versus chilly air or hinder recognition. Lots of the masks and people Employed in European festivals belong on the contrasting types with the 'great', or 'idealised beauty', established versus the 'unappealing' or 'beastly' and grotesque. Repeat the moment a week. Only do that mask at the time each week. Accomplishing it over which will induce your skin to be dry and irritated. The mask should make improvements to the standard of your skin and lessen the looks of acne. Process: Combine all of them in a bowl and apply a thick coat on your own face. Allow it operate its magic for quarter-hour until finally it dries out. Then rinse with water and dry your face by using a towel. Utilize a moisturiser promptly to stay away from dry skin. Vitamin A – Will help in lightening the darkish patches and blemishes and likewise smoothens the tough flaky skin. Their 3 principal cults use seventy-eight differing kinds of masks. The vast majority of ceremonies in the Dogon lifestyle are secret, Even though the antelope dance is demonstrated to non-Dogons. The antelope masks are tough rectangular boxes with various horns coming out of the top. The Dogons are expert agriculturists and the antelope symbolizes a tough Functioning farmer.[28] Pueblo craftsmen created amazing get the job done for masked spiritual ritual, Specially the Hopi and Zuni. The kachinas, god/spirits, commonly take the kind of hugely distinctive and elaborate masks which might be Employed in ritual dances. Mash up the components within a bowl or in a very blender, spread more than the face, chill out for quarter-hour, then rinse off. Follow with the oil in addition to a moisturizing cream. 04

[lovelouisemoriarty]

Love letter to the world

Dear World , Therapeutic,  Artists Journal,   Hope it helps! 

I am an empath and I am quite sane. Extreme emotions are totally available to all of us. They are tools. Even the most quiet introverted character has a whirlpool of clashing seasons in their landscape. Sometimes it is their very fear of these emotions that keeps them completely quiet for they fear unleashing their dragon. In many ancient culture dragons are symbols of power and protection they stand watch over what is important.

I  have a very strong sense of what is important and what is not in life. I have not lived the path of suburbia that led my family to all still live in the same location doing similar jobs to what they set out to do. Raising families and acquiring homes and all the accessories necessary. (Let me just say I am grateful they did. For when we gather as a family we are blessed to be cared for and have all we need to celebrate how lucky we are to have people who care and unconditionally love us in our lives.)

I have tumbled and adventured from job to job and relationship to relationship. I have lived within many subcultures and explored many groups looking to establish community.  I have succeeded. It doesn't look like the community of old with its certainty and consistency in one place. I love that our family had extended family. Auntys and Uncles that we could trust and share with, know we could count on them for an adventure and that they would be there at the important occasions in our lives marked as rights of passage. But I wanted more. I always want more. I want others to feel that. 

I want no one to be left out of the extended kinship. As an empath I have a huge capacity for feeling. I watch the news and I feel. I cannot do anything to be of service in many of the situations that I see, but I still feel deeply the cacophony of emotions of all the people or animals involved in the drama. I feel the depth of energy and vibration that the earth puts off when it is mined or when a tree is cut or when an animal is harmed. As I grew up I have been trained to know that I must shut down some of these access’s. It is okay to know a person is sad and try and cheer them up but not let them have space to cry. It is okay to feel someone is agitated and angry, it is okay to placate and distract them but it is not okay to let them get to the heart of what they think they are angry about so they can go deeper and feel what their real need is.

There is a lot of lies and confusion. Some of it seems harmless and entertaining but mostly it is debilitating to our sense of our power as humans on this small green blue planet for a short time. 

Most of it is devastating for the next generations ability to have access to and enjoy what we have been lucky enough to enjoy. 

I am an empath and I am sane. 

I wanted to start with that because…..

For too long emotions have been deemed the domain of the clearly insane. 

That voices in your head need to be silenced on one hand, unless they report what the bible reports and then because they are inline with the controlling religious propaganda of the time they are prophecy. 

Okay I didn't really think I was going to get straight into this ground in my second letter but heh,

My mum was a devoted Christian, she went to church every Sunday had blind faith that it was all true. It served her well. She was a woman of service, someone who you could rely on to put whatever she was doing aside to do you a favour or listen. She never tried to convert anyone or convince anyone that she was right. With a calm quiet certainty she went about her day being a good samaratin, being the fabric of community and holding a family together.  For me she personified Love. Yet part of her wished for understanding, wished to guide others, wanted to share her wisdom of what worked for her.  I believe part of her died unhappy, unsatisfied and with her needs in this life largely unmet. The church didn't really meet her needs for care and understanding, just company. At the end it was just the simple kindness of individuals who valued understanding and empathy that allowed her to know she was heard and seen and through the good deeds of her family have someone with her every minute till the moment of death. She had pain and fear and great loss around not having some of the things that were most important to her not heard. 

Was that because we didn't listen. Was that because we didn't try to be with her. I think it was because she was bound and controlled by a culture that still sees womens role as service and providing something attractive to look at and a pleasurable experience. If you have emotions you are still made out to be the crazy fool with no wisdom or strength. You are dismissed overlooked, or worse locked up or shut down with drugs or rejected and dismissed from service in relationship. 

Relationship is so important to woman. We have for so long know our worth in relationship. Been able only to function in this culture in relationship.

The few stories of woman who walk the heroes journey in history are often then walking through the terrible shame of being labelled a nutter and then into the arms of a man who can soften the blow of this cruel world by softening the edges of her feelings of alienation by making her happy and thereby stopping the crazy !?!?!?!? behaviour, Never again need she be upset or angry because her knight has appeared. 

Sorry guys looking for a dedicated, unconditionally loving woman. It doesn't change anything that much. Emotion is how many of us empaths process our needs and desires, our wants and passions. Our driving motivational spiritual force. These letters are all just ramblings, unravelling things that I have been thinking over time. Wanting to distill the essence of my wisdom that I have learnt through years of throwing myself into extreme situations and relationships that explore what is possible in the way of intimacy, passion, musing and devotion. Devotion is not necessarily what we think. It is not entrapment. It is not holding the person hostage to what you like and want the world to look like. 

It is being able to be with and have the emotions or lack of emotions of the other without loosing the passion for intimacy with that person. It is an unquenchable curiosity for how that person is going. Why that person acts the way they act. 

When I go to put hashtags on these letters it will never be one subject neatly orchestrated to sell a particular product at the end. It is near impossible to put me in a box or find the niche market that I represent. My boundaries are too fluid and I play in too many areas to be able to find a way to stream line a funnel for my own benefit. Although of course like everyone else I am working on financial freedom, More than that of course I am trying to find the freedom to pursue my utopia. In that utopia Rivers have Rights and environments remaining in their balance for future generations of animals, children, microorganisms snd birds, reptiles and insects is the highest order of spiritual veneration. Each soul has enough resources to be able to fulfil their basic needs, some kind of basic universal income if that is still necessary. But even this preparing it knowing we want to phase it out. Creating homes like Buckminster Fuller that are sustainable and practical creating less work rather than more. Planting seeds and trees and vines that mean fruit is our environment and create our shelter. Where gardening is a joy and we work with nature to fulfil the delivery of the needs of all people. Letting fresh clean water flow in the streets. Using our waste to feed worms or make gas to cook on. All the ways that people have lived in harmony on this planet are available to us and our new greatest power of having our communication interconnected and our ability to use the creative commons to build on our wisdom and ability to provide what is needed to satisfy and slowly bring down this unsustainable population.

So long I have been thinking about a utopia that suits all people. That would let my dad live in peace alongside me. That would mean people who only feel safe in their ivory towers guarded off from the world can know their children have a future where they are loved and respected by one and all just because they are. Where those who scramble and feel they have to defend and fight for resources every day start to see that the world cares and that they are worthy of human rights whether they are part of the consumer juggernaut or not. 

The church of this pagan religion that is flexible enough to include anyone talking about the constant deep seated belief of their religion in any flavour they chose is the heart of your current emotions. The communion between souls of the expression of their own innate creativity in communion wiht nature. No need for fancy gadgets or props, talismans or fetishes. Just you and your God personified in its creation, other people, plants and environments, animals and oceans, moons and stars. Using all that is right before us in the mystery of seeds sprouting, tides pulling and children being birthed or mysteriously dying right before our shocked and astounded eyes. Experiencing the depth of our longing for love and wonder. Experiencing the profound fulfilling gratitude for love and inspiration. Dropping deep deep into our rage and sadness at loss and grief. Then leaping into action to be of service to life and community and beauty. 

Yesterday I did just post unedited today I will re read once this after noon before I post. 

It is unedited in that I dont refine the flow. Just the general grammar and sentence structure so it is readable out side my head. 

I love my wild mind and I want to keep sharing where I jump and what I end up committing to and creating with you. 

I said I wouldn't sell anything at the end but ………. 

I leap from project to project but always there are threads that I come back to and over time they have become more into solid form. I want to keep that trajectory moving. 

So there are two ways you can enjoy being an intimate part of this journey if you want to know the path I am travelling and be mused by my musings. 

Keep track of me on Patreon. I am about to revamp it and keep in more constant communication through it. I believe it is essential for artists to have freedom to work on what moves their spirit. They are the muses of our culture and if they are constrained by grants and sales we are missing drawing from the wealth of creativity that this beautiful array of diverse beings are pulling down from beyond this material galaxy.   So if you are of the means please place regularly some resources in the Headless Buddhas cup as she jumps from one thing to the next in search of enlightenment and utopian visions to guide humanity in line with the Earths heart beat. 

I also am a romantic at heart and the most powerful relationships for me are ones that are connected to the earth and country and are also searching for ways to strengthen community and evoke love.   In my last relationship we created music together and luckily we recorded it. I have not been putting it out there because I have not wanted to rock the boat of both of our recovery from our different addictions within our love dependency. But today I want to honour and celebrate what we managed to create with our shared vision for coming together in joy and harmony with the place.    So I offer you J & G and Moriarty’s album Songwriters. You can get it on Bandcamp by donation or listen, enjoy then please share. If you have the capacity to broadcast it get it out there. 

Thanks to my current muse for being the catalyst for this communication and thanks to John and all the other loves who have given me ramblings and deep conversations into all the areas I touch on. May everything we offer up to you as empaths and changelings nourish your own creative musings for a better world for the next generation. 

Someone told me today some Maori communities have business? plans for the next 500 years. Now that is vision! For seven generations in a real concrete form. How bout you? Are you planning for your kins future?  

On a quick re read, Maybe all this utopia I am looking for is already here, Maybe I just can’t see it maybe I have to put on different glasses or something.   Oh well off into the world for a day of putting on different glasses. Thanks for being my morning pages muse