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moosoobi · 3 years

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Confessions

In the night: Chapter 2

T.Jeff- Hamilton: the musical

Y/N can’t hold all her secrets. She’s tired of hiding. The people deserve the truth. Here’s her confession: the one she should’ve told us long ago

I started to write this chapter the day after I finished chapter 1, yet before the first chapter was even published (time management queen). As I’m typing this message, I’m currently distracting myself from finals LMAO. Anyway, I wanted to finish this chapter as soon as possible to give some explanation of the events in the previous chapter, so I hope I do exactly that. I’m still manifesting that I articulate through this story smoothly, please give me feedback <3

MC (aka Y/N’s) POV

Modern au

Word Count: 5.4k

A few unrealistic realities, but I’m working with what I got

This chapter will most likely answer many questions about chapter 1

THIS CHAPTER OCCURS AT THE SAME TIME AS CHAPTER 1! all events in this chapter line up with the events of chapter 1

Disclaimers:

TW: violence, abuse, mentions of blood, themes of injury, itty bitty angst?

photo not mine <3

If you have any questions/concerns about this story, DONT BE SHY TO ASK ME! This is my first time writing a whole series, so I apologize if the plot gets confusing.

-Now Playing: Broken Clocks by SZA-

Where to start…

My attention was taken from Professor Washington’s lecture the moment I felt a pair of eyes attempting to pierce a hole in the back of my head. As I look back, I realize that it’s no one other than Thomas Jefferson, the spoiled francophile, or so people like the whisper, but gossip’s not my thing.

Upon being called out by Professor Washington, I couldn’t hold in my giggle as Thomas’s head ducks down in embarrassment. I suppose he sure knows how to lighten the demeanor in the lecture hall; It was a nice excuse to take my eyes off of Washington’s low-quality power-point presentation, but I appreciate that the man is trying.

This class feels like it’ll last forever, and I contemplate if I could just perish in my seat at this very instant, yet Thomas’s presence seems to make it worthwhile. I don’t know him that much, or maybe at all for that matter, but since he’s been seen with a Schuyler, the locals around here can’t seem to keep their mouths shut about him.

From what I’ve heard, he’s another silver-spoon raised boy representing Virginia up here in New York. A few scholarships here and there, as well as a trip to France for a semester. I don’t see what all the fuss is about; He seems like a pretty cool person, probably has an exciting life, and isn’t throwing away his shot. It’s odd, even with parents to piggyback off of, Thomas is very similar to a certain orphan I know.

“Class is dismissed” Is all I heard from Professor Washington’s mouth before that obnoxious but relieving bell sounds off.

Desperate to get out of this class, I hurry to put my stationery items into my burgundy-magenta backpack. You’d think after those turbulent years of high school that college would motivate me for fancier bags, but I can’t say no to my favorite color. It’s simple, won’t bring attention to my presence, unlike every other decision I’ve made in my life.

After I finally finished packing up, I can’t wait to take a breath of the fresh, polluted air of New York City. I quickly spotted my roommate's car within the crowd of vehicles next to the sidewalk. He’s on time, as always, to pick me up from class, and I’m grateful that he sacrifices his time for me, but it’s not like he had a choice. I toss my bag into the trunk, surely crinkling a few important papers. Upon reaching the door of his expensive car, my roommate greets me with joy to see me.

“How was class, Cherie?”

Lafayette, my roommate, shoots a smile at me, his white teeth are almost blinding, but he always says I’m exaggerating.

“Boring as always, but I’m still here, sadly” I say as I hop into the front seat of Lafayette’s car. He pouts in my direction

“Ahh, c’mon, don’t be like that.” Once he acknowledges the buckling of my seatbelt, he begins to power up the car. “C’est la vie, Y/N” I roll my eyes, my hatred for him grows just a little more every time he says that.

“Can we get McDonald’s?” I attempt to change the subject, earning a small chuckle from him. He prepares to drive off “You know I can't say no to you and your American junk food”

And so we begin to drive off

Lafayette and I indeed have a bit of history together. After I got mistakenly involved with Alexander and his clique, Lafayette was the next best (or worse) person to walk into my life. He’s sweet, charming, probably all the things Americans are not; the gentleman hails from France. Yet he’s so much more than that.

Ever since I caught his eye at that obnoxious high school party, he and I hit the ground running. Disclosing the events which took place in his-

our bedroom won’t solve the problem, but the stubble on his jaw and the way he holds the steering wheel with one hand nearing my thigh reminds me of the unresolved sexual tension between the both of us.

I’ve only been living in his apartment for a few months, an idea he proposed when I mentioned my dreadful rent. A nice view, nice coffee maker, and nice bedsheets were more than enough to convince me, but I know there’s more to that “nice” list that I shouldn’t disclose.

Though I know his intentions were good, I’m sure he invited me into his abode to protect me from Alex.

Since I began to band with Alex and his gang, Alexander’s been strict about getting me home on time. It wasn’t only because I was a helpless high school student, but also to prevent me from ratting him and his group out to the authorities.

Upon joining Alex's posse, a strict curfew has been placed on me, only to ensure I stay safe at night, or perhaps to make sure I don’t betray them.

Moving in with Lafayette made following this time limitation easier for me, especially since he volunteers to drive me home or takes a stand for me. If the unfortunate event of my arrival past my ‘bedtime’ timer occurs, Alexander ensures I pay the price.

Speaking of arrivals, Lafayette passes me a box of hot, salty fries and a smile spreads across my face. His eyes visibly soften as my entire demeanor changes.

“Have I ever told you that you’re the best person ever?” I spilled my thoughts while stuffing my mouth with fries. He lightly chuckles, watching me.

“Maybe a couple of times..” He prepares to drive off again “...too many times, actually.” he shot a wink at me.

Blood didn’t have any time to rush to my cheeks before I could slap the side of his shoulder, causing him to whine in discomfort. I sigh before returning my focus to the steaming fries in front of me. The tension grows, and so does the silence between us. Eager to break the tension, I propose an idea.

“Let’s go home?” we turn to each other at the same time

“Oui.”

---

I enter Professor Washington’s lecture hall and my attention is driven to the two curly-headed Virginians. I watch in secondhand embarrassment as Thomas Jefferson and his friend playfully argue in front of the entire class, seemingly a heated debate of the greatness of Mac and Cheese. One argues on behalf of the gooey pasta, while the other simultaneously retorts with a mix of “you’re so stupid” and “God help me”.

Feeling a rush of confidence and suaveness, my brain urges my body to intervene in their conversation. Maybe it was to make new friends, or perhaps to stop the class from staring at their dumb dispute, but I swiftly walk over to them. The next few words to come out of my mouth fell into place oh-so-perfectly.

“Hey, can I sit here?”

Upon sitting in between the two Virginians, they introduce themselves. The calmer, self-collected man among the two introduced himself as James Madison, while the bolder, upbeat man introduced himself as no other than Thomas Jefferson. Both of them seemed happy that I interrupted and decided to reach out to them, maybe one was a tad more excited than the other.

And ever since then, Professor Washington can’t seem to split up our trio. From childish jokes and a few inappropriate inferences, Thomas and James make great company. The idiotic smile that spreads across Thomas’s face whenever he’s capable of making James and I break our silence during class would become more annoying than Lafayette saying “C’est la vie” whenever I make a poor life decision.

Nevertheless, Thomas and James dangerously remind me of Alexander and his goons. The abundant amount of self-praise and cocky remarks said by both Thomas and Alexander is almost astronomical. In the case of Thomas and Alexander’s meeting, I’m sure they’d be the best of friends. But likewise, I could also envision the two attempting to tear each other's heads off, the chaotic clashing of two powerful minds.

They always know what to say and when to say it. I’ve never met anyone as clever as Thomas and James, and they’re even worse when they’re together.

“‘ ‘s Adams here today? Washington told me to turn in my papers t’ him.” Thomas whispers as he eases into his chair, Washington’s booming voice seems to become background noise to us

“Is he ever?” I reply, attempting not to giggle at my own response “I haven’t seen him since Washington initially introduced him to the class.”

“Maybe he’s jus’ sick or somethin’. Kinda reminds me of you, James'' His head of curls turns to stare down James, in which James replies by rolling his eyes

“He can stay home, he does the same amount of work there anyways.” James cleverly retorted.

And that seemed to be our last straw before bursting out in laughter. Thomas’s body flung forward as he laughed his head off, James ducking his head to hide his glee behind his laptop, and I quickly slap a hand over my mouth to prevent anyone around us from drawing suspicion. But apparently, Washington wasn’t having our disguises.

“Can the three of you even tell me what I just said?” Washington turns around from the board to scan the crowd, his eagle eyes find us quickly

The silence was all we could emit, and soon enough, He turned back to his lesson. I sigh with relief; the last thing I need is to get kicked out of a class I don’t even pay for.

…

...

“Washington sure got a shiny ass head. D’you think he uses shampoo and conditioner?” Whispered Thomas as he leans over to me

And just like that, we’re faced with the same struggle all over again.

—-

Lafayette adjusted the hot pan, erupting a few sizzles. The wall clock ticked, the hour arm froze pointing to the “11” written in roman numerals. Lafayette and I decided to agree on a home-cooked meal, and although it’s too late for an average dinner, yet too early to be defined as a midnight snack, I’m sure Lafayette’s cooking will satisfy me for the night.

“Y/NN, would you prefer salt on your omelet? Or did you decide to be healthy tonight?” He said holding a salt shaker in the air to steal my focus from the swirling red liquid in my glass.

My head lifts to meet his eyes. I tilt my head, the wine causing me to ponder for a little longer than I should’ve. He continues to stare at me, holding in a laugh, before I force myself to nod.

“Yeah.. a little won’t hurt” I hear him chuckle at my drunken dialect, but I know the French man isn’t about to lecture me about English “Your wish is my command.”

I watch as he conducts the kitchen perfectly. He knows where everything is, exactly what to add into the sizzling pan, maybe even the exact second to take the meal off the flame.

“I thought you weren’t a fan of monarchy?” the sarcasm was evident in my tone “but I appreciate the submission” I shot him a playful wink, to which he responds with a pompous smirk

A few sips of wine later, I recognize notification that has been staring back at me for hours.

1 Message from Thomas

A text from Thomas? And I’m barely seeing this now? I silently scold myself for giving into the wine before opening the message.

“Thomas: Hey this is Thomas from class, wanna come study with us at the library sometime?”

My eyes become glued to my phone. It was certainly necessary for me to reread Thomas’s text, I was unsure if the alcohol was beginning to make me see odd things, but I assured myself I was correct.

I could feel the blush spread across my face. Maybe it’s just the wine taking control, or maybe it’s the butterflies in my stomach forming every time I reread his message. A harmless invite, perhaps evoked from Thomas due to James stroking his ego, but I know James’ wouldn’t promote such a bold, straight-forward message. Though Thomas is known for his meticulous confidence and certainty, a message this simple could be notably deceiving.

But a little socializing won’t damage my self-respect. “Be bold, Y/N” is what I used to tell myself at the beginning of the semester, and what do I have to lose? I begin to type my reply.

“Y/N: yeah I’m down :) just send a time and place and I’ll be on my way”

Sent.

My introspection was soon interrupted by the screeching plate being slid in my direction by Lafayette, the steam circulating the meal

“Y/N, Mangeons.” My head comes up from my phone, my eyes meet his eyes momentarily.

“Thanks, Laf.” I reply before taking a fork from him and digging into the steaming meal ahead of me. Lafayette’s cooking never disappoints. Ever.

My body couldn’t help but pick up my phone every few minutes to respond to Thomas’s messages, Though they were just the details of the hangout-offer he previously proposed, I felt enclosed in my little bubble while texting him. Those few moments of interaction with him somehow made my day better. I’m sure even Lafayette could see my radiating energy, but I’m not sure how he took it.

We’re technically not a couple; a few hookups and moving in together don't make us an official couple, right?

“Merci, Laffy.” I watched as he visibly cringed at my poor attempt at french. “Let’s just stick to our mother tongues, angel.” He retorted. I laughed it off, yet inside his reply left a scratch on my pride.

---

Another class of absolute foolery and childish inferences, and I can’t help but laugh as Thomas, James, and I exit the lecture hall. The New-York cold hits us harshly, but being about a month into this semester, students already know what to expect.

It was indeed embarrassing, running to Lafayette’s car to remind him of your library study session.

“Alright, I’ll pick you up before your curfew, okay?” He asked with one hand on the wheel. His faux-leather jacket contorting around his toned arms made it difficult not to remember the moments they shared around midnight. The imagery of their candle-lit room appearing in her head as he sat at the wheel stopped her from replying for a moment.

“Y-Yeah sounds great. You’re the best, you know that?” She thanked him for sacrificing his time to make sure she arrives home on time.

“You remind me all the time.” He sneaks in a small wink between his sentences “I’ll see you tonight, Cherie”

Y/N smiled before turning around to prance over to her friends. Y/N heard the faint sounds of Lafayette driving off, sighing in relief

After briefly explaining my situation to the boys, we quickly head over to the library.

A woman in a coral-pink blazer and pants set is waiting impatiently at a table she rented out just for us. “What in the world took you guys so long?” She pressured for an answer

“C’mon Angie, that wasn’t even ten minutes.” Thomas rolled his eyes before removing his backpack and opening a chair for Y/N. Real smooth, Thomas, I can’t lie. He looked over to me, seeing stars in my eyes as I realize I’m standing next to the oldest Schuyler.

“You’re-” She interrupted me with a smile, sticking out her hand to shake mine

“Angelica Schuyler. And you?” I swear her name sounds familiar. I’m sure I’ve heard it around but I just can't place it. I do see her on my social media feed from time to time, and I must admit, she looks even more heavenly in person.

“Y/N L/N.” My hand meets hers in a firm handshake.

“Nice to meet you.”

—-

At first, I thought nothing of it.

Though Lafayette’s text at 7:30 (on the dot) did push me out of my zone, I did appreciate his promise to me.

Thomas on the other hand seemed disturbed by my sudden leave, but it’s not like he’d understand. Alexander would literally kill me if I were home late.

But Thomas and I would continue to hang out. His evening texts would slowly become a weekly routine. Whether it was a scary movie or an ice cream date for just the two of us, he always found a way to spend time with me.

“Don’t tell me that mint chocolate chip is actually your favorite flavor, darlin’.” He adjusted his position on the park bench and raised an eyebrow, his gaze focused on the green ice cream atop my ice cream cone “You might make me regret takin’ you out tonight” he chuckled and I couldn’t help but smile

“You know you love me” I jokingly retorted, scooping part of my ice cream with my tongue, and relaxing against the bench.

It’s very rare to get to relax like this. Not only am I a fully-fledged college student, but also one of Alexander’s goons. The weekends are merely just ‘weekdays: the sequel’, but add forbidden literature and alcohol to that equation.

I look back up to Thomas, seeing his disgusted face. “Wait.. are you actually against mint chocolate chip ice cream?” I cocked an eyebrow towards him

He shrugged before chuckling “I recall telling you of my unfortunate arguments while visiting England..”

“..so what does mint chocolate chip ice cream have to do with your political upheavals in a foreign country?”

He smirked in an ‘all knowing’ manner. “Well, Darlin, if you did your research—“

“—You’ve got to be kidding me—“I start to wonder why I even asked

“—you’d learn that the monstrosity in your ice cream cone, mint chocolate chip, originated in England.” He completed his statement with triumph “Ever since my disagreements in England, I swore to despise such a concoction until the day I die.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “I can’t believe you did your research on English creations. You’re so dramatic sometimes” I respond

“Hey, I wouldn’t be a Jefferson if I wasn’t.” He stared back to his cone, the mesmerizing ice cream almost reflecting himself back at him.

We shared silence for a moment. Words were unnecessary when we were together.

“I suppose..” Jefferson started “...I might be able to tolerate mint chocolate chip ice cream, but only for you, though.” He turned towards my direction

My eyes soon met his. “Well, I’m honored to be your exemption, Jefferson.” I smile with triumph, recognizing my effect on him.

He swiftly takes my hand, his skin feels burning compared to mine. Our eyes remain connected as he dips his head down to kiss the back of my hand. I attempt to hide the fact that my heart stopped beating for a moment, but the breath hitching in my throat wouldn’t help me at all.

“Let’s drop the formalities, Darlin, you can call me Thomas now.” My hand remained between his. I try my best to keep my hand still, wanting to marinate in this moment forever.

A new feeling courses through my body. Something unfamiliar. Perhaps it’s the charm of a Southern Gentleman. Maybe the feeling of being treated right for the first time, something I’ve never experienced from anyone.

What have I ever done to deserve this chivalrous kindness?

‘What a gentleman’ I repeat to myself in my mind. What makes him so different from the others?

From a simple kiss, I suddenly crave more.

More than the unresolved sexual tension between Lafayette and I.

More than I was ever granted the opportunity to.

Maybe ‘more’ is what I deserve.

My mind bleeds with the thought of Lafayette, but Thomas seems like he has so much more to offer. What if I do deserve to be happy? I may not have earned it, but who gets to declare my right to happiness? I was once happy with Lafayette, but the times have changed

He’s just not him. He’s just not Thomas.

---

But no matter how much I enjoyed spending time with Jefferson himself, I was always the first one to leave. I had to.

I remember the way his smile would fall at the sound of Lafayette’s car horn.

The way his jaw tenses whenever my phone vibrates across the table

Whenever Lafayette came to pick me up, I also can’t help but feel a part of my soul crack within me.

“I’ll see you this weekend?” He kisses the back of my hand once more in an attempt to savor this moment, continuing to maintain eye contact.

“I’ll try, Thomas. Not sure if I’m busy.” I sigh with fatigue. “But I’ll let you know.”

“Alright. Get home safe, darlin’” I hear him stand from the park bench as I wander to Lafayette’s car, his eyes following my figure.

I hop into Lafayette’s car before taking one last glance in Thomas’s direction, watching as his figure begins to walk in the opposite direction that our car was heading.

“Ahh, Y/N. Don’t tell me you’re cheating on me” his sarcastic tone wouldn’t pierce deep enough.

I speak without thinking. “I do recall you claiming that you and I were never a couple, remember Laf?” My change in demeanor was certain to shut him up. And he did.

He’s just not him. He’s just not Thomas.

I remained turned away from Lafayette as we drove through the city. The memories built between Lafayette and I constantly falls like a house of cards, but I prefer to avoid the subject.

Lafayette felt otherwise, yet respected my choice.

He was the first to speak.

“Alexander needs me for a transport this weekend.” He stated, “I’m not sure when I’ll get back, so it’s very important that you get back from whatever plans you have before your curfew.” He takes a glance over to me and briefly meets my eyes

“Don’t test the waters, Y/N.”

Ah yes, the monthly literature transportation of Alexander’s gang.

The Notorious Sons of Liberty.

A popular group roaming the streets of New York. But instead ironically of selling drugs or performing homicide, they produce and sell illegal, banned literature and disperse them to the highest bidders.

How else do you think I pay for college?

Although gang violence isn’t really their thing, that doesn’t mean they’re not in possession of such weaponry and devices. I’ve never seen anyone take literature as seriously as they do.

They’re also known for their bold publicity stunts, which are indeed fun to watch from a nearby coffee shop. Watching Alexander, Lafayette, and some other friends, John and Herc, run from the authorities on a Sunday afternoon, accidentally laughing at the sight of John tripping over his own feet, Lafayette mouthing ‘help us out’ in my direction. Very entertaining.

On the contrary, their security on me has become tighter and tighter. I know they worry for the gang’s reputation over my safety, but it feels nice to imagine having a battalion of book-worm gang members watching over you.

“I know, I know. You guys can stop treating me like a kid” I attempt to contain a giggle to portray my seriousness.

He takes a glance at me before returning his attention to the road. “You cannot say that until you have another way home other than me.” He sighed rather loudly

“Be careful, or I might do just that, Lafayette.”

---

I sipped on wine and ate cheese at Thomas’s place without a care in the world on a Saturday night. Of course, I had to accept Thomas’s offer, I never knew how to say no to him.

Jefferson has sure been taking his sweet time to put a title on us. Now, I’m no philosopher when it comes to dating, but Ice cream at the park, fancy dinners, and wine and cheese sure sound romantic.

My night was going well. All until the 7:30 alarm on my phone rang, and before I knew it, everything began to go downhill

[events of chapter 1]

And next thing I knew, the cold New York air slapped my face, following the harsh slam of the apartment door.

As my adrenaline began to settle down, panic rushed through my body.

Fuck. At this rate, I won’t be home until after my curfew. Although my immediate instinct was to sprint my way home, those thoughts were quickly followed by the idea of passing out within five minutes. My apartment isn’t too far, but being fueled by wine and cheese doesn’t sound like the best idea.

“Don’t test the waters, Y/N” echoed throughout my head.

I begin to walk down the street before whipping out my phone to contact an Uber.

The small talk produced between my driver and I worked a bit to calm myself down, but that would all change the moment I walked through my apartment door.

Once I turn back around from locking the door, I’m met with exactly what I didn’t want to see at this very moment.

Lafayette stood staring at me, his lips pursed with anxiousness, recognizing my significantly late arrival.

Hercules, another good friend I’ve met through the sons of liberty, stood beside Lafayette. His mouth hung open in shock as he also recognized my mistake.

John, the group’s smallest yet mightiest, leaned against the wall, perhaps planning my fate right in front of me

And none other than Alexander Hamilton himself, sipping scotch on my couch, similarly to how I was not too long ago at Thomas’s place. The glare on his face quickly reminded me that I was in big trouble.

“Y/N, I thought I told you—“ Lafayette began but was quickly interrupted

“You’re late.” He swirled his drink before standing up. The clock ticked, and the hour hand notably passed the 8:30 symbol. I was not getting out of this one.

Although I feared for the following moments, I attempted to contain my emotions within myself. I kept my straight face for the time being. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me.

“I’m well aware.” That came out of my mouth a little too harsh for my liking

“May I remind you that being out past your curfew could severely damage our image.”

I saw John look over to Alex from the corner of my eye. The air became thinner if that were even possible, and I refused to meet his eyes.

“And I do recall reminding you of your consequences.” He walked towards me and I felt my heart froze. “Having you out so late could raise some suspicions among our competitors, L/N.”

I couldn’t find the right words and resort to nodding instead

“I always fucking told you—“ he harshly slammed his drink onto the table beside him “—not to test the waters—”

“—I-I know—“

“So why the fuck are you stumbling in here past your curfew?”

At this very moment, I wondered if I had pulled the last straw.

I couldn’t speak. God forbid I spat out the wrong words. Contained within my thoughts, I didn’t acknowledge Alexander closing the distance between us.

“Ow!--” I watched as Alex shoved me to the wall, the moment playing in slow motion in my head.

Lafayette’s throat grew dry “Hey, Alex, Calm dow-”

He was interrupted by the sound of Alexander harshly slapping me across the face. My hands quickly went to soothe what felt like fire burning my cheek.

“We do so much for you, Y/N.” Alex growled

The sharp pain in my side grew, almost echoing throughout my body. I could feel my body giving up on itself. I mean, this wouldn’t be the first time Alex has acted like this.

Occasionally, Alex would stop by Lafayette and I’s apartment just to ensure I was home before my curfew, and he wasn’t the most forgiving.

--He owns an apartment key and has every single one of his gang member’s location tracked on his phone. Sometimes I wondered what was so special about us to have to keep all of us in check 24/7--

One time Hercules and I went shopping a little too late after sunset, part of me felt like a reckless teenager, probably because I was. I still remember Alexander’s face when I entered my own apartment, he looks identical every time.

In an attempt to shelter me, my body curled into itself against the wall. I shrunk to the floor, feeling his shadow intensely stand above me.

“Arghh!—“ the sound spilled out of me when I felt Alexander’s shin connect with my rib cage.

My lungs felt punctured under the pressure.

My arms felt like they could give out any second.

Part of me had wished I’d stay at Thomas’s place tonight, even if it meant telling him the truth.

What a predicament I’ve gotten myself into.

I looked up, wondering if my torment was over until I was met with a —Crack— Alexander’s knee encountered my face.

It was only a moment before I could hear the shuffling of the others’ shoes. I prayed they were coming to help me out.

Alexander lifted his glass of alcohol, previously forgotten, and hauled it towards me

Crash!

The piercing shards of glass combining with the stinging alcohol were the last thing I needed on a Saturday night. I didn’t notice the tears falling from my eyes until now, and the way my heart felt like it was just on a rollercoaster.

I kept my head low, watching blood drip down my face and onto the floor below me. And apparently, I wasn’t the only one to notice.

“Alex! What the fuck?!” I heard Laurens yell

“Are you trying to kill her?!?” I recognized Lafayette’s scream

Before Alex was able to make another blow, Lauren and Lafayette were quick to hold him back, attempting to calm him down.

Hercules swiftly knelt beside me, the guilt was obvious in his gaze. I hated the pity in each of their glances towards me. He attempted to wipe away the blood from my forehead with a paper towel.

Alexander fought back against the two, trying his best to prove his point. There’s the Hamilton we all know, unwilling to stand down no matter the cost.

Hercules turned back to me, his words were ready to leave his mouth from the moment we reconnected eyes.

“Y/N..” He pulled me up and shoved me out of my apartment door. “..Run.” I almost stumbled into a nearby pole, but I began running, if running in my condition was possible, back to Thomas’s place.

—-

[events of chapter 1]

The next thing I knew, I woke up in Thomas’s bed beside him. I took a moment to soak in the feeling of his satin sheets. Part of me can’t recall the events before I passed out in front of Thomas’s apartment, or maybe my mind refuses to remember them.

The sun hasn’t risen yet.

I turn to my side and reach for my phone, wincing from the pressure applied to my rib cage.

The bright light of my phone hitting my eyes felt like I was transported to another dimension.

54 notifications:

12 calls from Lafayette 🥐

24 texts from Lafayette 🥐

1 text from Alexander 💡

3 calls from Mariah 💋

14 texts from Mariah 💋

“oh fuck..” I sigh, wondering how things will play out.

Out of curiosity, I open the message from Alexander. Perhaps it’s an apology? Maybe a reminder?

Alexander 💡: I know where you are, Y/N. Don’t drag your friend into this. Because I can.

Where I am? I ask myself

My heart dropped, remembering that Alexander tracks my location 24/7. He knows where I am at this very second.

By escaping to Thomas’s apartment, I’ve just dragged him into this mess I’ve made. If my worlds collide, it would all be because I ran to this exact apartment.

Panic once again rushed through my body.

I need to get out of here. I need to leave.

I slip out from under the sheets and grab my belongings. Unprepared for what’s to come, I steal one of Thomas’s jackets from his cluttered desk chair. I’ll give it back eventually, I thought to myself.

After I put on my shoes I take one last glance toward Thomas.

He seems so peaceful when he’s asleep, tangled in his blanket, not to mention his name-brand Mac and cheese pajama pants.

I’m sorry if I drag you into this, Thomas, you just wouldn’t understand.

Taglist <3: @kenmacrumbs @strayblades @laic2299 @ohsoverykeri

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words-for-holland · 4 years

Text

Happier (6) | T.H.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: A deep conversation between Tom & Y/N takes place. Tom offers a solution to Y/N’s problem, but does she take it?! Can Harrison convince her?

A/N: It’s a rather short chapter but a lot of Tom & Y/N action!! I absolutely love reading all your therories and comments! Thank you guys so much for reading & sticking around!

Betrayal

Its a vile word for the people you trusted your life with. Still in a state of shock, Y/N couldnt understand why Katie would have betrayed her like this. To think she was her best friend through thick and thin, always having each other’s back...it all seemed meaningless. Now here she was, packing up and trying to figure out where to go from here. London wasn’t an option and neither was the city with the rent being so high up.

As if her path was written by the stars, Tom had decided to call her the moment she started zipping up her bag. Y/N knew it wasn’t a good idea to answer, but it was almost instinctive in the moment. Truthfully, she needed someone. Someone to tell her it was going to be okay. “Hey, look. I know you probably hate me after the last time we talked on the phone like this, but I just wanted to say Im sorry.” Tom’s voice spoke softly through the phone as he let out a slight chuckle of nervousness.

Y/N smiled slightly as she listened to his voice. It was the most conforting thing she had heard, and could only imagine his voice wrapping around her to make her feel some sort of ease. “Yeah. No it’s um..it’s fine, really.” Y/N responds trying to calm her breathing after sobbing for the past hour.

“Yeah I guess, you were right. Maybe I was just jealous, because..I mean you already knownhow I feel. But you’re your own person so I can totally understand why you’d want to see new people. After all you broke up with me and—” Tom started getting more nervous as he continued to over explain his reasoning, but Y/N didnt seem to pay any attention as she lets out what was bothering her.

“Kate’s been crossing us.” She interrupts.

“Wait what? What do you mean?” Tom asks now more concerned, pushing the phone closer to his ear.

“She leaked information about Natalie staying thats where the rumors came from and she sent those pictures of Matt and I to Natalie’s publicist.” Y/N says as she closes her eyes.

Tom was more confused and in complete shock. Not understanding why Y/N’s most trusted best friend who do this to her. “Y/N...I dont know what to say..I’m sorry.” He replies, feeling defeated that there was nothing he could do, especially since she was so far away from him. Even if Y/N would have rejected his advances, he knew she needed him...now more than ever.

“Don’t be. It’s fine.” Y/N lies as she sits down on the bed, silently crying.

“No, it’s not Y/N. I know you’re hurting and I wish I could be there to do something about it.” Y/N smiles at his words. For every sad and painful moment, there would always be some sort of comfort. Tom was hers. For a moment...just one moment, she forgot about all the terrible things that happened. The betrayal, the rumors, Natalie. The moment felt like it was meant just for Tom and Y/N.

But not all moments last forever. Y/N’s phone went off, alerting her of a notification. In fear, she thought the unknown number was ready to leave another threat for talking to Tom, but it wasn’t. Though it was just a simple Twitter notification that came up, it showed that Tom and Natalie were out again on display for the Public. Casually flirting back and forth, with pictures of their social media interaction with each other. Her heart sank even more..if it was even possible.

He was still with her, even if it was pretend. Y/N thought back to when Natalie first arrived to stay with them, and how she slowly tried to flirt her way and spend time with Tom. She thought about how well they worked and looked good together, and how she left Tom saying “You’d be happier with her.” While it was all under the unknown’s plan to say those exact words, Y/N couldn’t help but feel some sort of truth to it. Certainly, she wasn’t happier with everything thats happened, but for Tom...at least he still had a chance to be happier with Natalie.

“Y/N? You still there?” Tom asked through the phone, when he didn’t hear Y/N say anything for a good while.

She shook her head to stop her thoughts as she replied, “Yeah...still here.”

“Oh okay. Good. I thought you hung up on me.” Tom laughs nervously. “Look, uhh maybe we should focus on what you’re gonna do. So do you have a place to stay?”

Y/N looks around as she sighs in defeat. “No. I’d find an apartment but the rent is so high here in the city especially for those that live alone, and I really dont feel like moving back in with my parents right now.”

Tom listened to her dilemma closely, when he offered without hesitation, “Come back here.”

“Tom, you know thats not an option nor a good idea for us. I told you we needed space, and I certainly don’t want to live under the same roof with a girl your fake dating at the moment.” She says in digust, voiced laced with anger.

“Calm down, Y/N. Im just offering you a solution and I could make sure you don’t see her. It’s a big house after all.”

“It’s not happening.” Y/N says quickly to end the dispute. Y/N stops to think about her other option, one Tom make not very well like. “Maybe I could ask Matt. I know he doesnt live too far from here.”

“Okay, now you’re being delusional. That’s definitely not happening.” Tom scoffs, as he thinks about the sickening idea. “I don’t want you near him.”

“You cant tell me what to do.”Y/N snaps at him. “Just like I’m not telling to stop being near Natalie, let alone enter a PR relationship.”

“Well at least Im being honest and open about it and not hiding it like an immature child.” Tom fires back. Y/N was at a loss with the way he responded to her. While she did keep it secret, deep down she knew it was for his own good..but he would never know. “Im sorry. I didnt mean it. It’s just...I wish you were more honest with me..with everything. It hurts you know.”

“Yeah..” Y/N whispers on the phone, feeling guilty and upset by where they’ve ended up. “I know. I’m sorry too. I want to be honest with you about everything but I cant for good reason.”

“No reason is good enough, if you have to keep secrets from people you love.” Tom says bluntly. “Look Im not gonna make you choose where you want to go from here. It’s your decision and life. Im just saying my door is always open for you...no matter how many times you hurt me.”

“It’s not your obligation Tom. I’ll be fine with whatever happens to me. I have to be, but thank you.” Y/N says as she bids him farewell.

As Y/N grabs her stuff and heads toward the door so do Harrison and Harry. “We booked a hotel for a night, if you want to stay with us.” Harry says as he tried his best to smile for her.

Y/N does in return and nods. “Yeah. Okay let’s go.”

Harry, Harrison, and Y/N made it to Aviary Hotel in silence. No one was sure what they should say to the other, when everything had gone to shit in the past month. Once everyone settled down, Harry decided to go down and grab food the group, while Harrison stayed to watch over Y/N in case she needed anything. “So, you told Tom, Im guessing?” Harrison asked, sitting across the other bed as he watched her intently.

Y/N nodded not saying anything as she brushed her hair avoiding eye contact. She thought for a moment deciding if she should tell him about what really happened in the phone conversation. “He and I fought..kinda I guess. I told him I didnt have a place to stay and he wanted me to stay with you guys, but I said it’s not a good idea and then I mentioned Matt, and everything went downhill from there.”

“Wait why not? Why can’t you stay with us?” Harrison asked.

Y/N gave him a look as if he didn’t know the reason already. His blue eyes shifting from surprise to realization. “Right, I forgot.” They sat in silence for a few seconds before Harrison interjects again. “You know, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I know Natalie and the unknown number still poses a threat, not to mention risky, but it’d be unexpected for them.” He offered.

Y/N thinks hard about it, her brows furrowing. “Yeah okay...but how does this that make it any better knowing that Im living with my ex-boyfriend who is also living under the same roof with a girl that he’s fake dating not to mention your childhood friend, and may very well be the other person terrorizing me.”

Harrison looks at her as he rubs his face in embarassment. “Well..when you put it that way.”

“Harrison, you can put it in any other way you want, it’s still going to be a bad idea.” She says.

“Look just think about it, okay. Its a big house, and you can use the attic room upstairs if you dont want to see anyone and have schedules until we can sort all of this out. And if it bothers you that much I even have a friend that lives close by who also needs a roommate herself.”

Y/N looks at Harrison skeptically, as he weighs out her options. “You really out here trying to find a way to make me stay with you guys and leave home huh?”

Harrison smiles as he combs back his dirty blonde hair. “No, Y/N. This here?” He points out arms wide, gesturing to the room to represent New York. “It was your home. Your real home, whether you want to believe it or not, it’s with us back in London. I know everything has been rough between you and Tom, but we’re going to find a way. I promise.”

Y/N sheds a tear, as she hears Harrison speak. He was right. Home just didn’t feel like home anymore. Not without them, but as much as she wanted to say yes, the odds of it being okay were against her...that couldn’t be ignored.

“So what do you say?”

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave @ifntelyinspirit @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco @racewife2004 @sleepybesson @greatpizzascissorstaco @andievgs

#tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #tom holland

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thekidultlife · 4 years

Text

The Most Convenient Escape | Jihoon Soulmate!AU (5)

⍟ Pairing: Jihoon x fem!reader

⍟ AU: Fantasy/ Soulmate AU

⍟ Genre: ANGST, SLOW BURN, fluff

⍟ Warnings: mentions of abuse, drinking, and sex

⍟ Word Count: 8.5k

⍟ Synopsis: For all your life, you have a deep disdain towards Soulmate Bonds, so much so that you are able to write opinions about it in a local newspaper. However, as life would have it, you wake up one day bonded to a person you hardly knew. Throwing in an investigation, annoying roommates, and a revolution looming just beneath the surface, you had to seek for the most convenient escape.

⍟ A/N: So on to the next chapter! This is probably the longest I’ve written for this series! Anyway, please excuse my tarot reading skills, my knowledge is only limited to watching pick a car readings in youtube and google. Now that’s out of the way, please enjoy! -Hyeri

⍟ Taglist: @shoshishua, @woozisnoots (I also want to thank @minkwans and @oprandomfeels for leaving such a nice messages on the tags in the previous chapter!! I dont want to sound creepy but i do comeback to them if i needed motivation to write! so thank you!!)

CILVEKAN ESPIONAGE TURNS PARLIAMENT INTO A BATTLEFIELD by Jeon Wonwoo and Kwon Soonyoung

The Porta Persa Edition, October 12th

Words that break like cannon shots, arguments that burn like incendiaries, bulwarks of statements that are hardly impenetrable—such is a terrifying and impressive sight to behold upon the ancient halls of the Parliament in these last few weeks. The fate of the two Cilvekan agents who were previously caught in Lower Efendel had been a divisive force upon the venerated legislative body of our nation; rendering them into a heated stalemate.

Armed with wit and sound proofs, Conservatives led by Atlen County Representative Kang Jinho campaigned for stringent travel restrictions, as well as a thorough examination of all Cilvekan nationals entering and leaving Porta Persa. He contends that the security of this powerful nation must not be compromised for simple material gains.

Pointing an accusing finger at the trading and tourism industry which has seen immense growth in profits due to the inflow of foreign immigrants and visitors into the country, Conservatives have been critical of lax travel regulations over the years in which they view, as in Rep. Kang’s words, as a means for ‘alien entities’ to ‘wreak havoc in this peaceful land’ and ‘further their covert operations to diminish and weaken the stability of Porta Persa’. According to Rep. Kang, it is rightfully so that sacrifices are to be made to ensure that no foreign powers would dare to assert their influence over this country.

On the other side of the argument lie Santaragossa Assembly Representative Lee Jihoon, the flagship of both Libertarians and Moderates on this matter, who, with his rapid fire responses, have advocated for softer regulations and an extensive counterintelligence program instead.

In his speech to Congress today, Rep. Lee disputes that economic factors are hardly simple, and should not be diminished into mere ‘increase of gains’. In his words ‘There are people who, if harsher travel restrictions are thus placed, will be left for wild dogs to eat, for the weather to beat and rattle their bones on the cold earth. With no means of a livelihood to provide for themselves, what will become of them? For us who have a roof to sleep in, and food on the table to eat, it is easy for us to say that travel restrictions are a minor inconvenience. Yet for these people, harsher travel restrictions are equivalent to a death sentence.’

He further advocates for a better counterintelligence program wherein proper and stronger defenses are to be implemented only at the appropriate areas, as this is not only cost effective, but also ensures that the livelihood and the human rights of all people in Porta Persa, whether be citizen, immigrant, tourist and whatnots are protected and venerated…

◇

“Lee Jihoon was truly frightening during that session. I swear to god, sitting there feels like he’s attacking me personally.”

Unlike the usual, the three of you were not relaxing comfortably outside the lush courtyards of the Royal Academy, eating carefully prepared lunches and enjoying the view. Instead, late morning sunlight poured from the open windows, illuminating the wooden desk and chair you were sitting on, silently listening to your friends.

To your right, sat said friends: Wonwoo and Soonyoung who were fresh from the printers, the rancid smell of ink sticking to their regal school uniform. On Soonyoung’s hands was the freshly printed draft of your newspaper, which was to be released the next day.

He folded the newspaper and tossed it beside you on the desk.

“He’s been like that for what? A week now, I reckon?”

“Two, in my opinion.” Wonwoo answered, adjusting his glasses. He was the calmer kind of fellow. Soonyoung was more theatrical.

“Oh good god, it’s been two weeks already?” Soonyoung exclaimed, his lips ajar. “No wonder Y/N is here all the time!”

Wonwoo glanced at you, who simply turned away and faced the open window. “Why are you here exactly?”

You continued to grind Alizarin berries on your portable mortar and pestle with a nonchalant look on your face. “I’m making your allergy medicine.”

“Not yesterday and in the last few weeks,” Wonwoo retorted back, giving you an inquisitive look. “Now tell me, is it because of Lee Jihoon?”

Groaning, you continued to pour all of your irritation at the poor powdered berries in your mortar. “Must the reason always be Lee Jihoon?”

“Well, why are you here then?” Soonyoung shrugged, glancing at you with raised brows.

Exasperated, you sighed and left the mortar and pestle alone for once. In all honesty, the reason was indeed Lee Jihoon. After he saw your breakdown two weeks ago, you were avoiding him at all cost because you knew he was going to ask you about it and you were not one to divulge such sensitive topics.

Of course, you wouldn’t let them know. “The way my room looks is just nauseating.”

Soonyoung made an incredulous frown while Wonwoo snorted.

“Right.” They both said.

Having childhood friends has its own disadvantages: you couldn’t really hide anything from them. Yet you wouldn’t tell them anything for that matter. Your room was indeed nauseating, spinning around and around as your vision blur if you just stay in one position for far too long.The way your stomach churns and your legs buckle because of the amount of suppressants you were taking to block your soulmate connection was something you simply cannot express into words.

You stare at the red powder inside the mortar. The smell was making you lurch, reminding you of the suppressant, yet you expertly concealed it with a cough and a broad change of subject.

“Aren’t we supposed to go somewhere today?” you asked, adding more berries to the mortar.

“No, it’s on Friday, 3pm,” Wonwoo replied, checking his travel sized planner. “For some time, Soonyoung and I have been tracing documents from Luce Trading to see if they could give us some clues. But most of them inexplicably got lost or destroyed from last year’s flooding, but thankfully, Soonyoung found some in a novelty shop.”

Upon hearing, you quirked a brow at them. “That is quite interesting. It is possible that something important is in those documents, especially when they had deemed it necessary to destroy them. It seems like fortune is on our side today.”

Wonwoo nodded. “Exactly my thoughts.”

“I reckon, those documents can finally settle the question of who their actual victims are,” the other male remarked with a considerate nod. “We can actually take a step forward in this investigation!”

You forced a smile. Truly, you were elated but the way your heart was palpitating wasn't feeling that great to you. Wonwoo adjusted his glasses once more, a habit he has acquired whenever he was thinking of something.

"Quite frankly, I still haven't forgotten what Jihoon had told me a few months ago," he started, fidgeting with his hands. "And god knows if he's telling me the truth or throwing us off the scent."

"Oh that one..." Soonyoung exclaimed, nodding. You glanced at the two of them, looking betrayed.

"Why have I no knowledge of this?" You asked, eyes shooting daggers.

The two boys quickly exchanged glances and panicked.

"You haven't told Y/N?" Wonwoo asked the other male, who was beginning to pout.

"What…I thought you told Y/N!" He replied, pointing at you.

What seemed like a little misunderstanding was going to become a lot of bickering later on, so as you rolled your eyes, you put yourself between the two of them.

"Alright, enough. Just tell me what Lee Jihoon said," you spoke sternly, hands on your hips.

“It’s not as straightforward as you think,” Wonwoo recounted. “Jihoon kept going in circles about our newspaper, Alex Fireflower—”

“Me?” you exclaimed, furrowing your brow.

“Yes, you. And the Gestalt case,” Wonwoo continued, acknowledging you. “At first, I was under the impression that he was simply inquiring what my thoughts were with regards to the Gestalt case as a fellow classmate, yet as it turned out, he appears to be hinting that it was a suicide case.”

A bewildered look was what you gave him, not understanding how a blatantly homicide case could possibly be a suicide. “I need you to expound further than that.”

Your friend shrugged. “That’s where the problem lies. We know that the Gestalts might be involved in the sex trafficking ring due to the judicial records we’ve discovered before, yet to what extent is a matter we have no knowledge of.”

“Oh, yes, that tax evasion case filed against Luce Trading that was suddenly dismissed by court with no apparent reason…it seems malicious, yet I still doubt that it should be considered a connection to the syndicate” Soonyoung remarked.

“Those things usually happen yet everything involved in this case should be accounted for. Even including the possibility of it being a suicide,” Wonwoo continued.

“Yet logistically speaking, how can it possibly be a suicide?” You asked, clearly unconvinced. “Lee Jihoon is merely giving us chaff.”

“That is the reason why I cannot just stop thinking about it. It’s perplexing.”

“You’re just doing mental exercises, Wonwoo,” you dismissed him. “Trusting Lee Jihoon is definitely not advisable. He’s a politician. We might be unaware that he is in fact a part of that syndicate, and is simply playing cat and mouse with us.”

Wonwoo heaved a long sigh, leaning against the bedpost. “That, I won’t deny.”

“Rather than running on conjectures, we should proceed with the investigation instead,” Soonyoung interrupted solemnly. “We simply do not have the entire narrative.”

"I completely agree," you replied, leaning against the table as you go through another wave of stomach cramps with much composure. "Let's…lay out what we know first."

The two of them nodded at you, which you considered a signal to begin.

"So, we know that some government officials are involved in a sex trafficking scheme. Why do we know that?"

Soonyoung answered. "Because Wonwoo unintentionally eavesdropped a conversation between his father and a parliament member, who was trying to ask him to vote against the amendment of the Soulmate bond."

"He offered my father membership to the syndicate among other things…" Wonwoo quietly continued, perusing his thoughts.

"Right. We know that the Gestalt case is somewhat related to the syndicate. Why?"

"For one, that parliament member who had attempted to lobby for my father's vote was asking him to vote against the amendment which has stemmed from the Gestalt case. It could possibly be a stretch but we should not deny it."

Nodding, you continued. "And the fact that we had found out that Rene Gestalt had already died right after the High Court suspension. And had died under a different name and under a mysterious circumstance."

"If Rene Gestalt was a simple nobody, he wouldn’t have died in that manner," Soonyoung added. "And that tax evasion case shouldn't have been dismissed so easily."

"Luce Trading is more profitable than Kwon International, isn't it?" You asked, but Soonyoung immediately replied.

"Hey now! We had better sales for the past decade!"

You giggled, "Alright, my apologies."

"I still find it hard to fit the pieces though," Wonwoo interrupted. "Why Luce Trading? Why did Himi Gestalt die but not Rene? What exactly happened?"

The three of you exchanged glances.

"We need more information."

You leaned back, sighing as you felt the heaviness of the possible truth you have in your hands. Wonwoo and Soonyoung were pretty much the same. That’s why, more than anything, you didn’t want any sort of distraction, especially those that involve soulmate bonds.

“In the meantime, Y/N,” Wonwoo began, giving Soonyoung a look and then the two gazed at you with concerned expressions. “Are you truly, definitely, a hundred percent, alright?”

You knitted your brows, and immediately replied. “I’ve never been better.”

“No…! No, what we meant is…” Soonyoung was the one who responded. “You…you fought with your father, didn’t you?”

It was a sudden inquiry, you can admit that, but you were not at least surprised they had asked. Your father must’ve gone to Soonyoung’s father and then they informed him of the matter.

“A few weeks ago, yes,” you told them, nonchalant as you added more berries to the mortar. “I have decided to cut ties with him once and for all. He’s nothing to me now.”

You noticed that they were taken aback, but it was an expected reaction. The decision was indeed done in the heat of the moment, yet you didn’t feel anymore remorseful.

“You do not have to worry about me. I have you two, and our newspaper is doing quite well in sales,” you reassured them. “Cutting him off is simply removing dead weight off my shoulders.”

Without any warning, Soonyoung pulled you to a tight embrace and Wonwoo followed soon after. You simply stayed still in surprise, as they continued to console you silently, knowing that you didn’t need any words to make you feel better.

“Y/N, please know that we will always be here for you,” Wonwoo began. “We’ve been together since we were children, and we’ll always will be.”

“If you wish to get something off your chest, we are always here to listen. You don’t have to carry everything by yourself.”

You grimaced at this, but hid it easily by burying yourself underneath their embrace. You’ll tell them everything someday, but now, you simply wish to brave the storm by yourself.

“I will.”

◇

"Jihoon!"

Heavy footfalls echo across the marbled hallways of the Parliament. Rows of white columns line up on the curve, the view of Porta Persa easily seen with just one turn of a head.

"Jihoon, please wait for a moment!"

Harsh steps that march through with controlled frustration, and another set which was running after them. Nobody was on sight other than two men who were adorned by their heavy purple robes, billowing with the wind.

"Lee Jihoon!"

"What is it ?!" The other snapped, his eyes piercing and intense.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs sighed, his demeanor tinged with concern. The whole Parliament hearing was tense and unnerving, and Lee Jihoon seemed to be in the middle of the swirling storm.

"I simply wanted to see if you are doing well," Joshua offered, his voice calm, yet the other simply scoffed.

"What do you suppose?" he replied, his tone filled with frustration and sarcasm. "If we lose next week's vote, it'll be all over!"

Joshua reached out for Jihoon's shoulder, trying to help the other through his temper.

"Alright Jihoon, listen to me. We still have time. We can still convince the others to vote against the bill."

"But we need fifty more votes! Where in heaven's name are we going to find those?" He exclaimed and then groaned, resounding through the deserted hall.

"You need to calm down, Jihoon!" Joshua reminded, shaking some sense into him. "You're making a mountain out of a mole hill!"

The dark haired male blinked, stunned by the sudden loudness of his friend's voice. The high had finally subsided in his veins as he huffed and removed himself from Joshua's grasps.

"Jihoon…"

"I apologize. I'm simply exhausted," he replied, sighing as he turned his back to the other. "While this issue has been particularly draining, my soulmate bond is eating my energy away as well."

Joshua blinked, wondering what was the matter this time. They had left Jihoon in his dorm room that day as instructed, yet for some reason after that, he seemed to have become more snappish and gloomy.

Jihoon sighed once more, probably the nth time for today.

"She…she was crying when she arrived, you know. I have no inkling as to why but it did hurt me…seeing her like that," he continued, now more to himself than to Joshua. "I wanted to comfort her or do something, anything…but she pushed me away, both physically and mentally. It's been weighing on me since then."

Without a word, Joshua walked towards him and placed an understanding tap on his shoulder. "I wish I can offer you some help."

At this point, Jihoon simply shook his head with a downcast smile. "There is nothing we can do about it if she doesn't want me."

Those words, as he said it, felt more painful than he had anticipated. Yet that was the truth—she had blocked him, in more ways than one. Jihoon wished he knew why yet he had already spent enough sleepless nights on it that he didn't need more.

"In the meantime, it would be nice if we had those fifty votes before the weekend."

◇

Oct. 14th

Desmere District, Porta Persa

"So, it's here?" You asked, standing in front of a decrepit shop, flanked by two of your friends. "Are you sure it's here?"

You weren’t really one to judge but the way the roof shingles were about to fall, the dull green paint peeling off the door, and the dusty shop window filled by various junk accumulated over the years, was telling a rather clear story.

You could even hardly read the name of the shop.

“52nd Oppleton street, Esmond Novelty Shop….Yes, without a doubt this is the one!” Soonyoung replied cheerfully, grinning ear to ear, “Come on now! No time to waste!”

Wonwoo glanced at you with a knowing look as he followed after Soonyoung through the door. Today seemed to be one of those days where Wonwoo was in a rather irritatingly playful mood. “You heard him. No time to waste now, Y/N.”

It wasn’t new for you to be the victim of their teasing, but you didn’t appreciate it either when it comes. Thus, as you rolled your eyes and pursed your lips, you threw your hesitation out of the window. Following closely behind, you heard the charming bell chime above you as soon as you entered, yet the dust which wafted through the air was not as charming as you had feared.

“Welcome to our shop! Feel free to look around and see if anything suits your fancy!” A male voice greeted you three, though you cannot make out a clear image of him as he seemed to be covered by the centuries old dust.

“Ah, we’re actually looking for someone…” Soonyoung replied, fishing a piece of parchment inside the pocket of his vest. “Um…a Madame Adora?”

While the three of you seemed to be unsure, the tall burly man, which you have now seen after the dust has settled, nodded in understanding.

“Yes, yes. Please follow me. Her shop is at the back,” he replied and turned around, not waiting for you to respond.

Exchanging curious glances, you followed close behind—carefully studying your surroundings as you did. There were a lot of books for one. Stacks upon stacks of leather tomes piled on top of another which was rather deadly if one wrong move was made. The shopkeeper, seemingly used to this dangerous environment, easily navigated his way through the path provided.

There were a lot of miscellaneous items as well: old shoes, typewriters, some ornate desks which were long forgotten. Dirty porcelain dolls, dull grey candelabras, and even a baby grand piano covered with various knickknacks—essentially, this was a shop of extras: once loved, tossed away and buried under the sands of time. Their fate seemed to have given you a melancholic mood, yet there is little you can do to change it.

“Where do you find all of these?” Wonwoo asked, curious as he perused over an old book about outdated potions.

“There are numerous ways,” the man shrugged, dodging a stray pole which was protruding from a pile of junk. “Sometimes we buy them from people who move houses, sometimes they just give it to us, and some just find their way here.”

His words immediately reminded you of the thought that objects do have souls in them. They used to be someone’s important thing; they were once given meaning and context by the people who used to own them. This place had become their new home now, amidst the sea of other objects that were no different.

A light knock on wood snatched you from your thoughts as you averted your attention back to the matter at hand. The shopkeeper had stopped in front of a slightly ajar door, peeking carefully at the space.

“Madame, these people wish to speak to you,” he called out, yet he was met by silence and a rather loud creaking of a chair being moved. A grainy “let them in” soon followed, though you were not as sure since it was just above a murmur.

Nodding, the shopkeeper moved and allowed you space to walk inside the room. With rather modest postures, the three of you silently entered in file, easily spotting a worn out loveseat, which was probably a bright emerald in its youth, to sit on. It was a rather small space, enough to be a breakfast room, with second hand furniture and astrology-related objects littered around to give a sense of mystique.

“Robert, fetch those documents for me please,” the old woman ordered, who you hardly noticed with how she was almost covered by the wooden desk before her. The shopkeeper, who was apparently named Robert hummed and disappeared, closing the door shut.

As soon as he was gone, you scooted on your seat to take a closer look of the old woman. Just as you had anticipated, Madame Adora was petit, but was made to look larger by her bulky dress adorned by stars and moons embroidered in metallic thread. It had the same fabric as her headpiece which was wrapped around her head like a towel. The one which caught most of your attention however, was the large dangling sun and moon earrings which were as big as her head. You wondered if they were as heavy as they looked.

“Um…we’re—” Wonwoo began but was instantly halted by the Madame with just one hand.

“I know what you seek, my dear children,” she began, her voice croaky. Probably from smoking a bit too much; you thought as you noticed the ashtray on her table next to the burning sage.

The three of you raised your eyebrows, wondering what Madame Adora could’ve meant by her words. She seemed to be the eccentric type, and you wouldn’t be surprised if she busted out tarot cards and a crystal ball any minute.

“You are on your path to fulfill a great purpose for humanity. It is a fate neither you nor this country can avoid,” she continued, making you glance at Wonwoo and Soonyoung. You wanted to ask them if she was sane, but out of courtesy, you decided to keep your mouth shut.

“O-Of course…that—that’s what we’re trying to do,” Soonyoung replied awkwardly as he shifted on his seat. “But we do need to—”

“Yet be cautioned. This path does not offer refuge nor solace for the tired and weary. You will be accompanied by danger, deceit and the deep dark evils of this world. You will face adversaries stronger and larger than you had anticipated. Poke the bear, and its claws shall appear. Be strong and always seek for the truth.”

“Uh…yes, of course,” you replied, ending with uncertainty. “So the documents—”

“Ah, yes. Robert will be here soon,” she interrupted yet again. “While we wait, would any of you like a tarot reading?”

“T-tarot reading?” Soonyoung exclaimed, as he leaned forward, not sure if he had heard it right.

What a surprise. You simply smiled.

Interrupting your gloating, Soonyoung suddenly nudged you with his elbow, making you look at him.

“What?” you asked, your voice a whisper.

“Y-you do it, Y/N!” He replied, his expression not betraying the fact that he was a bit afraid.

“What? Me? Of course not! Do you suppose I believe in such buffoonery?”

“Now, now. It’s just tarot cards, what harm could it possibly do to you? Attack you with a paper cut?” Soonyoung immediately replied, even though he was the one who got frightened first.

“Soonyoung is right, Y/N,” Wonwoo joined in, though you knew he was trying to gang up on you. “Besides, you wouldn’t be so cruel to deny this poor woman an income, would you?”

You closed your eyes, and breathed in—incredibly irritated by this game Wonwoo was playing today. However, you just didn’t have the energy to pick up a fight with how your stomach was beginning to churn once again; the suppressants returning with a vengeance after the pain relievers had worn off.

“Fine then! I’ll do it,” you seethed through gritted teeth as you stood up and walked towards the old woman. “I’ll do it.”

Now much closer, you saw Madame Adora smile warmly at you, which made you feel a bit guilty for getting angry. Sighing, you turn your gaze down to the wooden desk, unable to look into her eyes.

“Boys,” the Madame suddenly called in her raspy voice. “Robert is waiting for you in the other room to look at the documents. Your friend will join you shortly.”

At this development, both Wonwoo and Soonyoung glanced at you, asking if it was alright for them to leave you. You smiled at them encouragingly. You’ll be fine. It’s just a tarot reading.

“Please don’t start without me,” you turned to them as they left the room. “I’m looking at you Kwon Soonyoung.”

Your friend simply grinned and gave you a salute. “Aye, aye!”

When the door was finally shut and you were left alone with the old woman, you glanced at her, wondering what was about to happen, or if she was going to do something.

“What’s your name, my dear?” she asked, something you hadn’t expected.

“Uh…I’m Y/N,” you soon replied, fiddling with a stray lock. You tried to deduce what the Madame was thinking, but nothing came to mind. She was eccentric and unpredictable; there was no use trying to predict the next set of events.

“Well then, please take a seat, Y/N,” she offered the armchair beside you which you quickly sat on. “Is this your first time getting a reading?”

“Yes, I…” you tried to evaluate your next words. “I’ve never been to a shop like this before.”

She simply chuckled at you, pulling out a deck of cards from a drawer. “I understand, dear. We readers are few in number, yet believe it or not, just like magical practitioners, it is necessary for us to have proper licenses.”

With the new information, you raised your brows and nodded, wondering why you haven’t known of this field before. As you continue to swim in your thoughts, Madame Adora began waving the smoking sage around the area.

Knowing your curious look, she gave a small smile. “To cleanse the space, my dear. Sometimes we carry residual energy from people, objects or situations. It is necessary to cleanse before we begin the reading, so we can only pick up your own energy.”

Nodding once more, you didn’t really know what she was talking about. You were no magi, and your knowledge of magic was limited to alchemy and potions, which was grounded more into the material world than the metaphysical.

“Alright then. What kind of reading do you wish to do?” She asked and you only gave her a blank look—completely innocent to the kind of readings a reader could perform.

Without you needing to say a word, the Madame nodded in understanding and explained it to you.

“A reading, in its base form, is a medium to provide some clarity. The Universe itself provides the answers. So if there is a question, a situation which you wish to seek clarity on, then we could begin with that.”

Even before the old woman had finished talking, your head was already turning gears and cogwheels. You wanted to ask about the syndicate and the investigative reporting you were doing, yet for some reason, a niggling feeling inside of you was telling you it wasn’t the right question to ask.

So you searched for it, concentrating on the feeling that you knew you could trust. However, at the end, you were surprised to where it had led you. You didn’t want to ask about it. It was done, it was there. It didn’t matter anymore. But you felt it. It was so strong that it made shivers creep under your skin. You know you needed to hear it.

You sighed. It’s just a tarot reading. No harm done.

“I…uh…” you gazed downwards, finding your wrist wrapped in ribbon to be quite fascinating; deciding for one last time if this was indeed the decision you were making.

“My…uh, soulmate bond.”

You were not sure if she had heard you with how small your voice sounded, but there was no way you would repeat yourself. The way you finally said those words out loud felt like some sort of acceptance; an acknowledgement that a soulmate bond existed between you and that person. Before, it felt like it was simply a figment of your imagination.

To your surprise, the Madame nodded at you, smiling proudly. “Then it shall be. Let us begin.”

You nodded back, watching as she began to expertly shuffle the cards.

“I will be doing a simple spread for you. A first card or cards would explain your energy, and then his energy. Afterwards, your strengths and weaknesses, then the state of this connection. Finally, we will be asking for the future of your soulmate connection.”

Unaware of how specific tarot can be, you only stared at her quite agile hands, not fully understanding everything.

“Please be reminded, dear that energies do change. What is shown here is simply the current energy of the soulmate bond. You and your soulmate still do have the agency to change your future, yet for now, this is what it is.”

You definitely liked the sound of that. If tarot had been in any way fatalistic, you would’ve soured on it in an instant. You always believed that you had some semblance of control over your life, or at least you wanted to.

Quietly, the Madame began drawing out cards, mostly cards which jumped out while she was shuffling. As she began to neatly arrange the cards into a grid-like form, you watched out for any reaction or expression from her. As it turned out, the most you could get was a slight raise of a brow.

When it was all done, she flipped the deck over and placed it beside the spread. Peering overing, you saw that there were a lot of cards, some were upright and the others upside down. You wondered what these all meant.

“Well then, my dear,” she spoke to you, glancing all over the spread and then nodded in understanding. “Let us begin with your energy—Eight of Swords, Queen of Swords reversed and the Hermit reversed.”

“Are those good or bad?” you asked, curious, yet the old woman simply tightened her lips.

“What I could say is that, you may seem to be trapped in your situation right now, whatever your situation may be. Look at this woman in the Eight of Swords,” she replied, holding out the card to you. “ She is blindfolded and surrounded by these swords. She seems to be trapped and imprisoned. It could be your thoughts or what you are telling yourself, as swords symbolizes our mind and how we communicate. You could be suffering from self-doubt.”

Taking in her words, you could feel a lump forming in your chest, knowing that she was indeed right.

“And then we have the Queen of Swords, which is you. When she is upright, she is a force to be reckoned with: intelligent, independent and the speaker of truth, however dear, we have her in reverse, which only shows the shadow side of this energy. The Hermit in reverse is telling me the same thing. My dear, I must apologize, yet this is what I see. As you continue to trap yourself with negative thoughts, you are slowly closing off your heart, becoming coldhearted and bitter, leading you into more loneliness and isolation. Whatever has caused you to become like this was incredibly painful that you have been pushed into fear, creating these defensive walls which then became the swords blindsiding you at this moment.”

You were silent, knowing full well what the old woman was talking about. You wanted to be angry at her for speaking a truth you were trying to avoid all this time, yet there was only sadness in your heart.

“I’m so sorry dear, but this is what the cards say, but please rest assured that your energy could still change. Considering the strengths of this connection, I have high hopes that this soulmate bond will succeed,” Madame Adora consoled you, seeing the deep hurt in your eyes.

“It’s fine,” you replied, swallowing the bile forming in your throat. “Please continue.”

Hesitantly, the Madame moved to the two cards beside the first ones she had read. “For your soulmate’s energy: the Two of Pentacles in reverse and the Hierophant.”

“As for now, your soulmate is in an imbalance. Look at how this person is trying to juggle the two pentacles in the card. He could hardly balance them at all. It could possibly be that your soulmate finds it difficult to manage their career and this connection with you, as this is a pentacles card which usually pertains to finances and the material world. Or, it could possibly be that they cannot find the balance between their traditional values and the constantly changing world with the Hierophant. Their views are definitely being challenged by you and your connection. Nevertheless, they seem to have felt your withdrawal and decided to focus on their career instead, which has now become two burdens on their shoulders.”

Making a downcast look, you felt guilty for making him feel that way. If he had indeed felt your pain through the bond, then he was no better than you. He was hurt too and the thought of you unintentionally inflicting pain on someone was something you were not keen on.

“Now then, let’s move to the strengths of this connection with the Chariot and Strength cards, which are incredibly powerful cards to have. Even this whole spread is powerful, considering how much Major Arcana you have.”

You leaned your head to the side. “Oh, is…is that so?”

“Yes. The Major Arcana holds more significance than the Minor Arcana, that is why having numerous cards from this suit could mean that this connection could be life changing for the both of you. With that said, having the Chariot and Strength implies that the both of you have a tremendous amount of strength and willpower. You and your soulmate are influential people who will stop at nothing to achieve your goals. That is why, even through all the pain and difficulties this bond will bring, this connection will survive.”

Not knowing what to make of that, you simply nodded. You were unsure if you do want this connection to survive. You hardly know your soulmate and you had no interest in doing so. You had long abandoned the idea that you will find love in a soulmate bond.

“Well now, look here, Y/N. I have been called upon to draw three cards for the weaknesses of this connection. We have the Five of Swords, the Nine of Swords in reverse and the High Priestess in reverse,” she continued, showing you the three cards.

“At this moment, there is conflict and disagreement in this connection. It could possibly be that the both of you have fought and that was the reason for your stagnant energy and his withdrawal, and with the Nine of Swords in reverse, usually this card means your anxieties and fears, and in reverse, it could be a release of those negative energies. However, in this reading, it seems like the both of you are hiding this inner turmoil in your hearts. Look at the image here,” the Madame pointed at the Nine of Swords.

“The woman is crying on her bed at night while these swords loom above her—she is crying alone, only the night is her companion, when everyone else is asleep and oblivious to her pain. In a way, you both are mirroring each other. You try to keep this conflict in your heart, making you feel disenchanted with this connection. You had lost hope of finding this love you seek. They on the other hand, try to bury themselves in their career or material possessions. They want stability and a sense of normalcy, yet cannot find it. The Universe has been providing divine guidance, yet with the High Priestess in reverse, the both of you cannot hear or perceive the signs.”

“This is further clarified with the Hanged Man and the Tower, both in reverse. These two cards represent the state of this connection, which further confirms the stagnation and fear of change in this connection. I felt this in the beginning when I was tapping to your energy, but dear, have you been blocking your soulmate bond?”

For some reason, you could only look at her and speak no words. There was fear in your eyes and guilt in your gut. It felt like you had done something unforgivable. You cast a glare to your arm, unable to utter any words of admittance.

“Dear, may I see your wrist?” Madame Adora asked softly. You were hesitant at first but eventually gave in, pulling the ribbon that was wrapped around your wrist and placed it on the table.

Gently, she examined the dull black bars on your skin as you watched curiously. You would ask what she was doing if she hadn’t begun speaking once again.

“You are in pain, dear. Deep, deep pain you need to heal from. It’s not a fresh wound, but scars inflicted from so long ago yet continuously being pried open over the years. You keep on ignoring, burying these scars, hoping that time would help it heal someday,” she said, her fingers on the marks.

“Yet when this soulmate bond came, it had forced you to face them even if you have no wish to, even if you were not ready to. This bond is making your fears rise to the surface—the fear of heartbreak and of disappointment. Thus, instead of waiting for someone else to do this to you, you decided to nip it in the bud. You try to convince yourself that you wish to be alone, that you are comfortable alone, yet deep inside you, you long for someone to share the heaviness which weighs down your heart.”

Without even realizing, you had furrowed your brows and was glaring at the offending soulmate mark on your skin. There was a feeling deep inside you which refuses to accept the old woman's words. It was too painful to acknowledge the yearning that was deeply-rooted in your heart. It was too embarrassing to say that you had made a mistake.

You were simply protecting yourself. Those scars had long healed itself. You had already cut ties with your father and that was the end of the story. There is nothing more to talk about. There was no need to face any more of this. There is no need to reconcile with your soulmate.

Gritting your teeth, you could sense anger rise deep inside of you.

“But dear let me reassure you that despite everything, you will come together in the end. For the future of this connection, you have the Two of Cups which signifies a union. It is my soulmate card because as you can see, these two people are sharing, exchanging cups—”

—!!

You slammed your fist on the table abruptly, the cards jumping in disarray. Madame Adora looked at you sadly as you snatched your wrist away, holding it close to your chest. Your eyes were burning with rage, yet the old woman knew that that anger was rooted from deep longing and sadness.

“I don’t want it,” you muttered in a low voice, and then, after a short pause, began shouting as if it would relieve the guilt in your chest. “I don’t want it! I don’t want this! Could you please leave me alone!”

Without waiting for a reply, you ran out from the room, from the shop. You were in no capacity to continue the investigation with your friends when you are in this state of instability. You just want to leave and disappear for a while.

Just for a while.

◇

Back inside the room, Madame Adora was greeted by Soonyoung and Wonwoo, who were surprised to know that you had left running out of the shop.

“Ah, did Y/N lose her temper again?” Wonwoo asked as he had heard you shouting earlier. “We must apologize, Madame.”

“No, it is I who wishes for your pardon. I must have hurt your friend,” she replied. “Please give this to her as an apology.”

The two men watched as the Madame pulled out a small box from one of the desk’s drawers and placed it on the table. They wondered what the Madame had said in the reading that made you lose composure.

“We will deliver this to her immediately,” Soonyoung replied as he took the box and dropped it inside his pocket. “And thank you for the documents.”

“It is meant for you. I had been called upon to buy the desk which it was stored in, and when you came to this shop in search for such an item, I knew it was meant for this purpose,” Madame Adora replied, intertwining her fingers together. “But more than that, please watch over Y/N.”

Both Wonwoo and Soonyoung exchanged glances. “W-we will.”

“Simply watch over her and give her support. She is going through something which only she can resolve.”

As the Madame said those words, her gaze was caught by the single card by her side. It was the card at the back of the deck—usually meant to summarize the energy of the whole reading.

It was the Lovers.

◇

It was already dreadfully dark when you had decided to return to your dorm room.

The wisteria trees were already a midnight grey, the unlit path, a dark purple. Only a few streetlamps offered illumination through the pitch-black night as you waded through the campus in silence.

You took your time alone—wandering on random alleyways, sitting on deserted park benches, watching people pass by as they live their own lives, with their own problems. Nothing seemed real during those hours of isolation in the midst of the crowd. It was like the pain was too far away for you to reach; the events from that afternoon too far away to be reality.

Yet you knew you needed to return somehow. Thus, with eyes exhausted from crying tears unshed, and the ribbon you used to conceal your soulmate bond in your hands, you opened the door to your dorm room and saw its gauche splendor in shameless display.

With a sigh, you wrapped the ribbon on your wrist haphazardly, not caring if not seemed sloppy as long as the black bars were far from your sight.

Walking to the common room, you scanned the area for your roommate, wondering if he was asleep or still at his office on a Friday night. It would be better if you didn’t see him, you thought. There would be less explaining to do.

Yet the common room was depressingly empty. It had occurred to you that you never even spent much time in there as much as you would’ve liked. Was it simply because you were avoiding him or you were just not interested in sharing the same space with him, you didn’t know.

As you move past the wooden dining table and towards the kitchenette for a glass of water, you bumped into something fleshy and soft which definitely made you shriek and fall onto the floor in a painful thud.

“What…on earth?” you muttered, gradually coming down from your sudden adrenaline rush, your sight refocusing.

To your astonishment, you found one Lee Jihoon lying on the floor, obviously drunk by the whisky which was once inside the bottle he was clinging on to for dear life. Apprehensively, you crawled towards him, to check if he was still breathing. Yet before you could touch him, his dark brown eyes were on to you, still cold and jaded as the nights of December.

“Jihoon—“

You were about to reprimand him for bringing in prohibited alcohol inside the dorms and for sleeping on the floor during a cold autumn day, when you realized that his skin was red. Bright red.

Concern immediately shoots up to your brain as you reach out to him.

“Jihoon!” You exclaimed, shaking him to sobriety. “Jihoon! Are you intolerant to alcohol?”

Despite your concern, he could only hum groggily. “It’s…fine.”

“What do you mean ‘it’s fine’? How many bottles have you drunk?!” You asked, looking around and saw several bottles of the same whisky he was holding. “Oh god, you even chose one with high alcohol content! You shouldn’t be drinking this.”

“It’s…fine, Y/N. I only had a few… just a few…”

He simply groaned in reply, lying comfortably on the floor without a care in the world. You only stared at him in exasperation, brushing your hair as you sighed.

You felt an urge to just leave him like that on the floor until dawn breaks. He can take care of himself, and being drunk probably isn’t something new to him. Yet you knew you can’t just do that. Whether or not he was Lee Jihoon, you had the obligation to not leave him to die of alcohol poisoning or of hypothermia.

The last one was a stretch, you admit but still, there was no way you could leave him like that as someone who tries to be compassionate at every point of day. At least, the sofa was a lot better than the cold floor.

Reaching for his arm and placing it around your shoulders, you tried to carry Jihoon to the sofa just a few steps away. Yet you hadn’t anticipated how heavy he actually was as you barely dragged him across the room, huffing and panting. You were not one with the best fitness

“Come on, Jihoon. Hold yourself up! You’re simply too heavy for me to carry!” You exclaimed as you tried not to stumble on the way.

“Mmn…I’m sorry...I’m trying…” he drawled, his eyes half-lidded and unfocused—obvious indications that he has drunk too much for his own good.

Just a little bit…

Taking that one step remaining, you immediately tossed Jihoon to the soft sofa with a long and exhausted sigh. He only groaned, his hair in a disarray. You had only noticed now that he still had his work clothes on: a grey suit piece sans the tie which he must’ve tossed somewhere in the immediate past.

He had his eyes closed as you sat closely to him, watching his chest rise and fall with every breath. Jihoon seemed to be in peace this way, far from the constant creases in his brow or on his lips. Brushing away a stray lock of hair from his face, you noticed the angles on his face, the fullness of his cheeks, the rosiness of his lips. Was he always this familiar to you? It was a question you had no immediate answers to. Yet you had never anticipated to end your exhausting day with a drunk Lee Jihoon, yet that’s where you are now.

“I should give him some medicine to ease the redness,” you muttered to yourself as you stood up, your mind already listing the ingredients you needed to make one tablet, but before you did, a hand had stopped you in your tracks.

“Please…don’t leave me,” his voice, still lethargic, echoed behind you and you were forced to turn, your eyes captured by his unrelenting gaze.

“Jihoon…” you spoke softly, returning to your seat beside him as you helped him sit up clumsily. “But you’re still flushing.”

“Doesn’t matter…” he replied back, leaning unsteadily until you caught him in your arms. Now he was peacefully resting his head on your shoulder, burying himself into your embrace.

“J-Jihoon…?”

To say that you were wholly surprised was an understatement. You were floundering and unable to make anything out of this situation. This was something incredibly out of character for the Lee Jihoon you thought you knew.

“Y/N…I must….must apologize,” he began, which definitely made you furrow your brows in bewilderment. “I’m so sorry… I—I failed you…”

You stared into the air incredulously, not understanding what page Jihoon was in.

“You didn’t fail me,” you replied back. “You didn’t fail anyone, Jihoon…”

However, it seemed like your words fell into deaf ears as he snuggled up to you, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“I’m so sorry…Y/N…please…please forgive me…”

Concluding that this was probably one drunk confession, you allowed him to find comfort in your presence, placing a consoling hand on his back as he continued to apologize to you.

This was a side to him you hadn’t expected to see. It was vulnerable, raw and unapologetically real—words you never thought you’d associate with Lee Jihoon. Yet there you were, as you hugged him back, finding solace in his arms as well when there was no one in the world you could share your burdens with.

“It’s okay, Jihoon…” you replied to him as you closed your eyes. “At least you tried, and it’s good enough for me.”

“Yet…yet…why can’t I feel you…?” he cried out, his voice clearly in pain. “Why can’t I reach you…? I…I always…alwaysss wanted to know you…to hold you like this…”

“Jihoon…”

You wished there was something you could say or do, yet you didn’t even know what he was talking about. It felt like the two of you were talking in a circle of riddles; finding yourselves in different pages.

“Y/N…please don’t be angry…please….please….don’t reject me,” he continued on as if in a trance. “I’m so sorry….so sorryyy….”

There was something in his words, or the way his voice shook that had pierced right through you. You wondered what you had done to him to plead to you like this. Yes, you did push him away a few weeks ago, yet that was the farthest you had gone to hurt him. You couldn’t understand what was happening, nevertheless, you still felt called upon to take action.

Moving your hand, you brushed his soft locks gently.

“I won’t reject you, Jihoon. I won’t push you away. I promise you.”

◇

PARLIAMENT PASSES BILL CRACKING DOWN ON CILVEKAN NATIONALS by Jeon Wonwoo

The Porta Persa Edition, October 27th

In a historic vote, the Parliament has passed a bill on harsher travel restrictions for Cilvekan nationals as well as an extensive program which allows for the investigation of all Cilvekans in Porta Persa. This bill marks a tantamount win on Rep. Kang Jinho and his Conservative party—warranting a speculation of a bid on the Prime Minister seat.

This soon-to-be law highlights restrictions set on the amount of Cilvekan nationals leaving and entering Porta Persa wherein local governments can monitor their actions inside the country. It is also in the prerogative of the local government to deny entry to any Cilvekan wishing to enter. According to Rep. Kang, it is necessary to be able to detect any sort of preemptive strike against Porta Persa to avoid endangering the security of the people.

This bill also boasts a program which, in conjunction with the restrictions, shall implement a vast inspection of all Cilvekan nationals present in the country. They are to undergo a thorough investigation conducted by the police and shall be warranted to arrests if ill-intentions against Porta Persa is proven.

With this bill, according to the Parliament, the government shall be able to ensure that the national security of Porta Persa shall not be threatened by any means, even if it meant sacrificing privacy and material gains. Sacrifice is and always will be inevitable on the road to peace…

◇

In the pitch black darkness of the night, echoes of footfalls resounded across the streets of Porta Persa. There was breaking of glass, breaking of wood, and shouts of women.

Fear was high in the scent of the night. The streets of Porta Pera enshrined by men and women—rounded up in handcuffs and tied by accusations. Half the town was awake and afraid, half the town asleep and aloof.

The night had just began.

-Hyeri

#seventeen #svtcreations #caratwritersclub #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seventeen angst #seventeen fluff #seventeen woozi #lee jihoon #woozi #the most convenient escape

49 notes · View notes

cloudhayato · 4 years

Note

*pulls up to the drive-through* can i get an imagine where y/n is bleeding out and dying and she asks xanxus (blood type o so he’s a universal donor 😍) if he would donate blood to her? and what his reaction would be?

Sure!! I tried to be as in character as possible and i dont remember the events of canon very well so im sorry fow any inconsistencwies >w<

You’re no stranger to conflict. It was abundant in the mafia, from territory disputes to hits on powerful individuals, you knew what you were getting into.

Still, you never imagined that you would qualify for the VARIA of all things. A completely elite squad that was a height barely anyone ever reached. Guess picking up languages from all those places you lived, and becoming adept at killing, really served you well in the end. You should probably be more worried about what that says about you, but you’ve thrown morals to the wind a long time ago.

But now wasn’t the time to get distracted. While you were familiar with conflict, this was on a scale you’ve never seen before. It had been ten years since you joined the VARIA as their cloud guardian, proving your skills when you saved their boss, Xanxus, from an assassination attempt while he was busy fighting off several other threats from the front. This had ended up with you getting very close to the man, and soon became one of his commanders.

That’s why he trusted you to join the fight with the Millefiore, where it was a desperate power struggle with numbers on par with armies. This was no small dispute, this was straight up war, and while stress and fear edge you on in the peripheries of your mind, looking your boss in the face gives you strength.

“Bel and Fran, you go together. Head east or some shit.” Squalo commanded. “Luss and Levi, you stay here in the main fortress.”

There was some objections from the group that you tuned out, too used to this nonsense to really care. You roll your eyes fondly when Squalo screams out his signature “VOI!” in frustration, and eventually getting having had enough, he ignores them and turns to you.

“Y/N you’re sticking with the boss. Make sure he doesn’t cause any trouble.”

You feel your heartbeat speed up at that order. Did Squalo want just you to stay by the boss’ side? Did he know something? You narrow your eyes, trying to read into any deeper meaning that the command may have, but he’s already turned around and barrelling through the trees. That signals everyone else to head off too, and now you really are alone with Xanxus.

He doesn’t look at you, eyes closed and head resting on his hand. It’s like he doesn’t even care that you’re here, but you’ve learned how to read him in the first few years. If he wasn’t actively murdering you, that meant he was tolerating your presence. The heat in your cheeks increased and you feel honoured by that notion.

You sit by his side for a few minutes, not really talking. There’s no other throne and you know he won’t let you share his, so you sit on the floor cross-legged like a child in a classroom. It’s demeaning, but you were willing to do it for Xanxus. He would never do it back for you, but you knew when things were really desperate, he would protect his fellow squad members with his life.

As if that was a taunt to fate, you perk up when you hear the trees outside the building I’m pretty sure you’re in rustle, and the next second the building comes down around the both of you. You use your propagation to turn your weapon, a stick, into a reinforced straw hut and hide inside as rubble bonks off the top. You’re barely focusing on that, though, your mind racing with one thought and one thought only.

We’re under attack!

When you’re sure it’s safe, you step out of your stick shelter in order to get a good view of your enemy. It was someone who looked surprisingly like Bel but more of a shaggy sheepdog look, and some other guy who didn’t really look like anyone you knew but had a water elephant, which was pretty interesting.

You listened to their words, trying to get an understanding of their goals, and then rage floods inside you. They wanted to hurt the boss? To hurt Xanxus? He was one of the people you cared for more than anyone, and you refuse to let that happen.

You jump in front of Xanxus, and are about to put your VARIA cloud ring into your box when you hear the sonic screeching of bats. It startles you for a second and when you go to look up, blood immediately explodes out of you in a disturbing and grotesque fashion. You fall to the ground, in utter pain and close to death, yet still clinging onto life.

It’s impossible for you to tell how long the battle went on, but you felt it clearly when it ended. That’s when Xanxus walked over to you, and stood over your bleeding and bruised body. Just staring.

“B-boss-!” You coughed, blood leaking out of your mouth as you did so. “I need you to- to donate me blood! You’re the universal donor!”

It was imperative that all VARIA squad members knew each other’s blood types, in case something happened on the battlefield and anyone needed a transfusion. No one actually knew Xanxus’ blood type except you, because you were close and he didn’t feel the need to hide that information when signing official medical insurance documents provided by the Vongola.

In fact, you were fully confident in how close you two were, that it took you by complete surprise when Xanxus’ gritted his teeth, and his scars increased all over his body.

“What did you say, scum?” He growled, voice harsh, like shattering glass.

You swallow, suddenly very afraid.

“Xanxus pl-”

“Are you trying to mock me?” He cut you off, still encased in his own fury. “You think just because my blood isn’t Vongola that you’re worthy of it? Huh?”

No, you didn’t think that at all! It didn’t matter to you at all where he had come from, you only cared about who he is now. The person you got to know and... And fall in l-

You never get to finish that thought.

“Die, trash.” Are the last words you ever hear, before the sound of a gunshot and everything goes black.

#Anonymous #97 mail #khr imagines #xanxus #I would tag this a bunch of random things for fun but nah #I'm so tired right now I'm not feeling it :/#khr

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rllymilerlly · 4 years

Note

Your ship things are so cute!! I love your headcanons! I’m curious how you feel about one of the more disputed ships in the fandom: zutara

Oh my Goodness thank you for loving my silly head canons! I’m glad some people enjoy my dumb thoughts :^)

It’s 5 in the morning and my brain is shutting down so I’m not sure if you meant for me to do the ship questions with Zutara or just my feelings in general about the ship but imma do the question thing anyways just IN CASE:

1. How do much do I ship it?: Never heard of it/ Notp / Dislike / used to ship / maybe / ship it / aww / otp / IS IT CANON YET

LISTEN when I was a child this ship was everything to me. (I always loved Taang first don’t forget that BUT I had more faith in Zutara becoming canon). I still think they have chemistry and I am down for it. While my heart doesn’t yearn for them as much as it did in my younger years, in the debate between Kataang vs Zutara I will forever and ever be on Team Zutara. (Though if you ship Kataang that’s totally cool too)

2. What non sexual activities do they like to do together?

I think they would enjoy relaxing in Zukos mother’s garden and relaxing. I always imagined them as this very old married couple doing a lot of domestic home things.

3. Who does chores around the house

I see them having a scheduled day to do the chores every week. It’s equal on that day but i can see Katara picking up a little more after Zuko.

4. Who’s the better cook?

Katara 100%. She has always had to cook for her family and friends and Zuko always had meals made for him for most of his life. So Katara is inherently the better cook but Zuko does like helping her out and learning from her.

5. Who’s the funniest drunk?

Katara I imagine is like the stereotype of a college girl drunk (A wOoO girl) while Zuko is practically the same but a little more open feeling. So Katara is wat more entertaining.

6. Do they have kids?

I see them having 2 kids. A fire bender first and then a water bender. They stopped there because that was a good enough balance.

7. Do they have any traditions?

They combine many of their cultures traditions. To have a better understanding of each other. And they try to each make traditional meals of the others culture for them from time to time.

8. What do they fight about?

Oh lord what don’t they fight about. The show I think covered most of their biggest fights they’ll ever have. I can see them having a big fight about literally something so trivial and admitting their feelings for each other at the peak of it and then getting very quiet. Like “WELL MAYBE I DID THAT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU” “OH AND YOU DONT THINK THAT I LOVE YOU TOO. LOVE DOESNT EXCUSE YOU FROM BEING DUMB” and then they both just stare at each other like welp uh I didn’t mean for that to get out.

9. What would they do if they found their paring tag on tumblr? (If they have one)

They would not be able to look at each other in the eye

10. Who cried at the end of Marley and me

Katara was crying her eyes out and when she looked at Zuko she could’ve sworn she saw a single tear roll down his cheek. But he refuses to admit it.

11. Who always wins at Mario kart?

It is a constant neck and neck with them. The other always claiming that they just /let/ the other win.

12. One thing I like about this ship?

I like the chemistry a lot. I think that there are a lot of parallels between their backstories. They can relate to each other in ways that surprise them. Katara doesn’t mother Zuko and I think can be her full self around. She doesn’t feel like she has to protect him from the dangers of the world but she doesn’t mind it either. Also Enemies to Lovers. I ain’t need to say no more.

13. One thing I don’t like about the ship?

If I were to ABSOLUTELY NITPICK One thing I guess that I always struggle with is seeing Katara as a fire lady because I could see her wanting a home in the South Pole still. But honestly that kind of problem is with every single ship practically I realize now.

14. The song I would say fits them?

I Found by Amber Run it reminds me of their scene in Ba Sing Se and it’s just got this vibe and flow that reminds me of them.

15. Another headcanon about the paring? (Free space)

Katara and Zuko visit the Jasmine Dragon as much as they can. Uncle Iroh and Katara get along fabulously together and like to poke fun at Zuko. Those nights at the Jasmine Dragon when they are all sitting drinking warm tea and discussing everything and nothing, are the nights Zuko cherishes the most.

#zutara #zuko #katara #avatar the last airbender #my asks #brit rambles

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sometimesrosy · 6 years

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Actually my friend meant she took a step back when she said ‘you were good for him’ and ‘go save him’ and in his eyes it’s enough of a confirmation that she’s now officially the platonic co leader for Bellamy and now the audience knows it since Clarke voiced it. So he thinks it means they won’t give them a love story because Clarke made it clear that she’s okay with B/E she’s not in the picture and they can be best pals in peace lmfao. I think he makes no sense but my Bellarke heart sank a bit..

Listen. This is the thing about interpretations.

When you like your interpretation, it’s great and you’re sure you’re correct.

And then someone else comes up with an opposing interpretation and it feels like an attack on your interpretation.

In fandom, what happens is we take out the weaponry and start fighting agains that EVIL BAD WRONG INTERPRETATION and in fandom, when we attack, we often start by attacking the person WITH the interpretation, because we, apparently think that by discrediting the speaker, then nothing they say can be worthy. This is a logical fallacy. You aren’t making your position stronger by “killing” the enemy. Their points still stand until you address the points and think about whether they are possible, disproven by facts and text, an interpretation that COULD happen, an accurate reading of text that does in fact contradict your own, in which case, your interpretation is the one that’s wrong, not theirs.

And I think people are afraid that they could be wrong about their interpretation, and they’ve invested in their worth as a human being connected with being right. So if they are wrong, then they are bad. Rather than accept that, they try to do the reverse, by declaring their opponent bad, which makes them wrong. LOGICAL FALLACY. Does not connect. wrong doesn’t equal bad. and bad doesn’t equal wrong.

INSTEAD

when someone comes up with an interpretation that is in direct opposition to our own, the best thing to do is to look at the opposing interpretation and ask yourself.

Okay, well is that TRUE? Is there evidence in the text that supports it? Is there evidence within the text that disputes it? Is it an incorrect assumption that doesn’t understand something?

Because, well, I mean. It’s a possible interpretation that does make sense. Clarke lets go of Bellamy, because he is with Echo.

In Clarke’s mind, that is correct. Your friend is looking at the story from Clarke’s point of view. Therefore, there is evidence to support it. Clarke sees it that way. I think a lot of people are following the story from Clarke’s POV, and it feels like there’s no hope for her, and she loves Bellamy so she lets him go to be happy. She wants that for him.

But, when you look at the story OUTSIDE of Clarke’s POV, it no longer follows that interpretation.

Because Bellamy LOVES Clarke. In canon. He feels guilt about loving it, because he knows he is committed to Echo. This is a MAJOR conflict for Bellamy, but it is also a major conflict for the interpretation that the story is saying Bellarke is platonic because Clarke gave her blessing to B/E. Because Bellamy’s feelings for her are romantic, which means platonic Clarke is disproved. You can’t have platonic relationships with romantic feelings because platonic relationships are definitively without romance.

Now, you COULD still have Bellamy NOT choose Clarke and choose instead to stay with Echo. I think it’s set up to go that way, actually. Clarke is choosing B/E and Bellamy is currently in B/E and doesn’t want to be a dog to Echo, so that says he’s going to be with B/E for a while.

So there’s another way that Bellarke could NOT be endgame. However, it is not platonic because they both long for each other. It is PINING. Which is a romantic emotion. And if it is mutual pining, that means it is not unrequited, although it might not ever be acted upon. Still not platonic.

BUT there’s one more person in that story whose opinion matters in this. Who has a say in who is in a relationship with who.

And that is ECHO.

At this point, she believes Clarke does not even care about Bellamy. She left him to die. Love? Not even on the horizon.

At this point, she believes that Bellamy cares about Clarke LIKE A SIBLING. She believes their relationship is platonic. SO. At this point, Echo ALSO confirms your friend’s interpretation. Not only does that mean B/E might be endgame, it makes Bellarke ENTIRELY platonic. No romantic feelings and no longing or pining.

HOWEVER. ECHO KNOWS NOTHING.

And this is a problem. For her. Now if she figures out that Clarke loves Bellamy, that is sad and might make her jealous, but it is not a problem for her. She MIGHT have an inkling already that Clarke’s feelings for Bellamy are more than platonic. But it’s not a problem. Still she believes B/E is strong.

HOWEVER AGAIN

ECHO DOES NOT KNOW THAT BELLAMY LOVES AND IS IN LOVE AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN LOVE WITH CLARKE.

Now this. THIS is a huge problem for Echo as part of the C/B/E love triangle. Having Clarke pine after her non romantic partner and Echo’s boyfriend is not a real problem for Echo. Having her boyfriend pining after Clarke is a HUGE PROBLEM FOR ECHO.

When she finds out that Bellamy is in love with Clarke (and she will. because even if she doesn’t see it with her own two eyes, other people know, and one of those people doens’t like her and is vengeful,) the first problem is. Well damn. Her boyfriend is in love with another girl. The second problem is that her boyfriend has been in love with another girl FOR THEIR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP, even though he thought she was dead for 6 years. The third problem is that he forgave Clarke after three minutes and it took him 3 years to forgive echo. The fourth problem is that he sacrificed OCTAVIA for Clarke, but sacrificed ECHO for Octavia. The fifth problem is that he never told her that he was in love with Clarke in the first place which means he was not emotionally open and they were not as honest and intimate as she thought.

All of that adds up to the fact that Bellamy is more in love with Clarke than he is with Echo. Even if he chooses her to be with, she will always know that he loves someone else more than he loves her. He loves Clarke past all reason, but he loves Echo because it is the logical thing and what a good person would do.

The only way Echo could be okay with Clarke and Bellamy being in love with each other and Bellamy STILL being with her is if she is a bad person who doesn’t care if Bellamy suffers if she gets to have him. In which case, she would be the wrong person for Bellamy. And Bellamy would not or should not love her.

So JUST looking at the current, in narrative love triangle of C/B/E, your friend’s theory is jossed. All you have to do is examine the story from the involved characters’ perspectives.

Clarke: possibly now platonic partnership forever. it’s over. This confirms his theory.

Bellamy: he loves Clarke but chooses Echo. This disputes his platonic theory, but could support his B/E endgame theory.

Echo: in season 5, she thinks what your friend thinks. It’s platonic, maybe Clarke has feelings but she’s given B/E her blessing so it’s good. But with the secrets that have been revealed to the audience and not Echo or Clarke, we find out that Bellamy is passionately in love with Clarke, even while dead, and now torn between his love for Clarke and his love for Echo. So in s6 being with Bellamy would entail that she settle for being the choice that he has to be with though he loves Clarke more. And we’ve already had ONE love triangle REFUSE to be resolved this way. Like Raven said, “not the way I want to be loved.” This perspective refutes platonic bellarke and puts endgame B/E in SERIOUS jeopardy.

And all of that doesn’t even take into consideration the LONGER story, which points DIRECTLY to Bellarke being romantic endgame and B/E being the romantic obstacle that pushes them into a romantic endgame to their soulmate relationship. In other words, the story presents b/e as the TOOL to make bellarke finally BE ROMANTIC. The very existence of B/E told me what story they were telling. That they then CONTINUED to emphasize that Clarke and Bellamy’s feelings for each other were actually romantic, rather than giving them a buddy platonic relationship means that they have decided to make non-romantic soulmate Bellarke move into romantic soulmate Bellarke.

The larger story, of seasons 1-5 in general and season 5 IN PARTICULAR flat out contradicts your friend’s bellarke will always be platonic partners theory. However, if you don’t understand how stories are told from a narrative standpoint, and only engage with the story from inside the narrative then you will not know this. Your friend picked a Clarke or in-story Echo perspective for his interpretation, without thinking about how Bellamy’s perspective would affect the story or Echo.

#the 100 #bellarke #b/e #c/b/e #love triangle #soulmates #endgame #romantic bellarke #critical thinking #narrative analysis #looking for evidence within the text to support your theories #question yourself

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jenniferpalmer94 · 4 years

Text

Husband Wants To Save Marriage But I Dont Jaw-Dropping Cool Tips

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#Husband Wants To Save Marriage But I Dont Jaw-Dropping Cool Tips #Save A Dying Relationship

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toloveforward · 4 years

Text

Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

There are many articles on how to seduce a girl, invite her to a second date, find a wife and hold on – all in that spirit. But in fact, without a girl is very good. Now is the time that people are emotionally more stable and do not need to feed a partner. Those times when you were condemned for being lonely for 30 years have already passed, and there are a lot of reasons for that.

Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

Focus on self-realization and career

And the girl, especially if she is not chosen very correctly (and she is almost always so chosen due to the fact that we are always in a hurry), as a rule, this will slow down with all my might. Even if reluctantly, albeit unconsciously, but they are, it is laid down by nature: it has already made its nest – the mission has been completed.

Free time? Forget! A conscript soldier has more free time than a happy owner of a meticulous girl. Even if you have a lot of free time, you could spend it on mastering a new language, learn how to draw beautifully, master Braille, read more books, take pictures of cats from trees. When you are alone, you are free from obligations. They called for dubious work? I agreed and found myself. Thinking about moving? Just picked up and moved, without endless persuasion and controversy.

Roughly speaking, you are 25 years old, and your girlfriend suddenly decided to give birth (I wonder who is to blame for this?). So it happened, what to do, and you are in the 3rd year and just about to get a job, so that you will slowly get the experience that will be needed in the future.

Riddle: Who will drop out of school and interesting, but low-paid at first, work in favor of a more profitable, but unpromising, so that there is enough money for a crib?

Answer: We all know him very well.

You can make a bunch of intrigues on the side – Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

If there is no girl, then there will be no party as such – there will simply be a bunch of sweet affairs. You don’t owe anything to anyone, you don’t explain. Wanted – went to one, then to the other. This, of course, taking into account if you are in demand among girls and they are waiting for you there. But even if this is not so, you can make every effort for this, because of a lot of time. And when you answer endless questions about how your day went and how much you miss now, there is no time left at all.

There are 7.4 billion people on the planet. Of course, it is very controversial to give this argument, because there are many less potential partners (about 7 billion), but the fact remains: there are a lot of people. Really, living with Natasha, whom you met in a nearby store, do you seriously think that here she is that half missing? No, you need to search more, you can not be lazy. No one says that the girl is not needed at all. But in order to find it, the one that will brew coffee exactly the way you want, you need to reconsider many options.

What if you are jealous? This, of course, is very sad, but there you are, and you must change. But this had to be done before the relationship you had already entered into. And, instead of thinking about useful things in the evenings, you sit and bite your nails, wondering what your girlfriend is doing, where she is. And when you don’t have an emotional attachment to anyone, you won’t even think about such trifles. You will become free from these heavy thoughts that oppress you and prevent you from working normally.

You will have more money

It sounds very petty, but if you think about it … Extra money appeared – I went and bought new jeans, binoculars, maybe even caviar – whatever. No one talks about being mean when you’re in a relationship. But the fact is that when you meet with someone, you yourself stop from certain purchases, stipulating that you need to save money on dates, stockings, a joint trip. There are times when you collected five salaries and wanted to buy dollars or invest somewhere, but you can not, because you are expected at home with flowers and rolls.

Of course, if you are a billionaire, you have already bought all the shirts that you wanted, and the financial aspect does not bother you at all, you can spend money on travel without adapting to your partner. He wanted to fly to Kazakhstan – he took it and flew. Do not wait until she is given a vacation, she will make a visa, the mood will appear. Although they say that behind every successful man a woman stands, the fact of the matter is that she simply stands. It costs and does nothing, as a rule. And the man is ahead. Goes ahead and dissolves his problems, but now also hers.

Quickly disappointed in a girl – Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

The first two months of the relationship are just a fairy tale: the guy willingly takes a shower, ironing clothes, the girl is painting. They give each other gifts, make concessions, do not really argue, greet each other. Well, isn’t that happiness? Of course, happiness. But then two months pass (sometimes more, sometimes less), and there you no longer need to impress anyone – everyone is already seduced. The girl begins to behave differently, the guy no longer whispers in her ear all kinds of pranks. Here it begins – conflicts, abuse, disputes.

They say you have to fight for love. Yes should not! It either goes on its own, or just let it go. You’ve been doing this all your life (study, army, work), and then they add love to you to fight for, and with it a girl who has a lot of problems in her suitcase that you will solve too. And if you don’t, you’ll listen to how someone solves them, and then you’ll start to decide. One way or another, you won’t getaway.

Think twice – Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

For many years, divorces in Russia have exceeded 50%. How can I fix these statistics? Do not marry. And the main problem of such a number of divorced marriages is that many marry either on the fly, or not fully understanding themselves and not finding the right partner. We people do not know ourselves what we want from this life, and we hope that the person whom we have drawn into our lives will solve all our problems. But in fact, he only creates them.

When we rush towards destiny headlong, we must enter into a relationship as a fully-fledged person, both spiritually and materially, and only then involve anyone else in our world. But we do not do this and are very disappointed when, after several months, our soulmate does not want to put all our problems on his hump or does not live up to the expectations that for some reason were assigned to her. We ourselves create the illusion that the other half is salvation from all troubles. Nobody owes anything to anyone: neither give birth to 30, nor pay for coffee, nor buy expensive gifts. Everything is simple: I wanted to – I bought it, presented it. And only after realizing all these nuances, you can try to enter into a relationship. When you are happy alone, you will be happy with someone.

What to do as a result – Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

In any case, everyone decides for himself what he needs at this stage of his life. Girls, in general, are great. They have soft skin, pretty faces, almost always clean hair. And if everything goes well, then you can enter into a relationship. But will it be so all his life? When you seriously start thinking about this issue, you should remember that in Russia 2 out of 3 couples get divorced. Do you just need a girl or specifically this girl? These questions need to be answered honestly to oneself first of all, and only then go on the first date and answer her questions already.

The post Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend appeared first on ToLoveForward.

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puckish-saint · 8 years

Note

as you said i can request it so... i would like the hanzo and genji s/o inspired by the story of this song, in the case I refer to girl perspective(the name of the song is Muteki no Soldier) feel free to change anything to make easier to fit in the overwatch universe, but i would like if you maintain the principal aspect of this character, the regret of her own blindness for not see that her master dont intent to kill her and her becoming the new "invincible soldier"

Link to the songHanzo

The mind is a strange thing, prone tomaking the unlikeliest connections. The sight of blood doesn'tdisturb you, but left handed people do, always leaving you with anunshakeable hunch you're being deceived. Being confronted with youractions, good or ill, now impose dread never known before. You keepout of the public eye not out of humility but because you fearattention. Few people understand how to live with the constantpressure of thoughts traveling through a scarred network of neurons,getting lost or changed on the way. Only those who've experienced itfirsthand really know the feeling.

The point in all this is that whileeveryone else in the dingy bar remains oblivious, you recognise apanic attack when you see one.

The man sits in a corner booth, anuntouched drink in front of him, observing the other patrons. Nothingappears out of the ordinary, but that is exactly the impression he'strying to give. He moves too little, fears he'll flinch or twitch,stares straight ahead to avoid being seen darting furtive glances tothe exits and the throng of people. As a stranger, and a potentiallydangerous one at that, it would be unwise to approach him, but youhelp in your own way, diverting the attention of the waitress goinghis way and keeping an eye out for trouble.

Nothing comes forward and after a fewminutes he relaxes minutely and makes his way to the restrooms. Lateryou won’t be able to explain why you followed, why even the fear ofa set of piercing eyes on you - caught red-handed, you’re donefor, you can’t match his skill, not yet, you were supposed to havemore time - isn’t enough to keep you in the safe background.

He leans against the sink, handsunmoving under the water. He must have noticed you enter but doesn’tlook up, keeps gazing down at the stream with a faraway look. Fromafar he had an air of nobility contained in a flawless frame but upclose the cracks in the facade show. The clothes he wears must havebeen custom made but the hems are frayed, the fabric discoloured withstains that won’t wash out. He pulled his hair back into a strictponytail but it can’t hide the split ends and dullness that comesfrom a bad diet.

This is the last chance to slip awayquietly, to do the job that’s in front of you - forge your ownpath he said but how could you, with his legacy seeping away into thesoil beneath the fatal wound - and never think of this man, orany other, again. Instead you say, voice hoarse from disuse:“Areyou going to be alright?”

And what a picture this makes, when helooks up at you, startled and wide-eyed like a pup that fears theboot, you trying and failing to appear like you talk to people everyday, like this isn’t the first time you take a chance on someone.Both of you trying, and failing, to appear human.

“Excuse me?” he says, rememberingthe proper thing to do when a stranger approaches you in a publicbathroom, which is to act with incredulity.

“Panic attacks can be draining. Youhave money for food?”

He scoffs, turns off the tap and goesto dry his hands, turning his back to you but watching through themirror.

“Do not insult me.” he says andthere it is again, that layer of nobility imposed on a fragile frame.

“Suit yourself.” You hesitate andwonder why but in the end you give him the address of the apartmentyou’re staying at, giving away information you normally guard likea dragon guards its hoard.

You fully expect the offer to expirewithout ever seeing him again but at half past two in the morning,when you just dragged yourself to sleep, he taps at the window like aspectre come to haunt you.

“I have a door.” you say as you lethim in and suppress a yawn. He looks around, curls his lips in vaguedistaste at his surroundings.

“You don’t have anything. Iexpected better from a person with your reputation.”

“Oh?” You raise an eyebrow, tiltyour head towards the balcony with the clear message that you mayhave invited him in but you can invite him out just as easily.

“I inquired about you. They call youthe Invincible Soldier, say you’re the best in the business. All Isee is a lowlife and a squatter.”

It takes something, guts or arrogance,to insult your host while you take advantage of their hospitality,but something tells you he isn’t overly concerned with good mannersanymore.

“A lowlife who’s sleeping under aroof, thank you. You want your burrito warmed up?”

At his questioning glance you point toa paper bag with fast food, gone cold hours ago, a small batterypowered microwave next to it. He shakes his head.

Hanzo, as he introduces himself, eatswith the desperation of a man who has gone without burritos too long.He tries to keep table manners for all but ten seconds before heabandons all poise to shove food into his mouth like you’re goingto take it away if he’s not fast enough.

“There’s plenty of work for askilled marksman.” you say conversationally, surprised at how easyit comes. In a way talking to Hanzo is like talking to a feral dog,there’s little pressure and much gain.

“I may be recognised.”

“People are hunting you?”

He may have hesitated if he stoppedlong enough between bites. A flicker of a glare is all he gives youto work with.

Talking is overrated anyway and you canthink of better things to do than prying into his personal life.Going to bed for example.

He brought his own sleeping bag, whichcounts for something you suppose, and you extend an offer to stay thenight by throwing a spare pillow in his general direction.

Neither of you sleeps much that night,wary of the other’s movement, fearing an attack at any second.

Despite that he stays, despite that youlet him and before you know it you’re a team. Just like old times,a tiny bitter part of you thinks.

You accept the bounties, both of youwork together and share the reward. Weeks, then months pass and Hanzono longer looks hungry all the time and your voice doesn’t crackanymore when you speak. Just like old times, the phrase repeatsitself again and again, often in the middle of the night when you andHanzo watch each other, unable to find sleep.

“I knew an Invincible Soldier once.”he says on one such night, deep in thoughts as if he’s not talkingto you at all. “But he was not you.”“No.” you say softly.“He wasn’t.”

The question stays written on his face,clear and unspoken.

“I killed him.” you clarify,summing up in three words a story that would take a lifetime to tell.

“You regret it.” It’s not aquestion but you nod anyway.

“I do.”

“You loved him?”

“In a way.”

It’s fairer to say that he loved youand it destroyed him in the end, long before you could ask if hislove was that of a father, a brother or a man. Some part of youalways feared the answer. “I killed someone, too.” Hanzosays, offering a little bit of himself for a little bit of you.

“Someone you loved?”“In away.”

The night passes and you rarely speakof it, nor of the things you confessed. You reached some kind ofunderstanding, something that makes it impossible to leave. Forbetter or worse, and some days you’re not sure which, you’re tiedtogether now. Wherever redemption lies, you’ll have to go theretogether.

Genji

You buy him his first drink, yearsbefore he is legally allowed to.

“Perks of vigilantism.” you say asyou toast your lives, free from responsibility and full ofpossibilities. His family calls you a thief and a lowlife and younever dispute it, even when he tries to defend you.

“They’re right, I am athief. The only thing they got wrong is thinking calling me one wouldinsult me.”

Take the insults and choose to beflattered by them, that’s always been your way and Genji adopts itjust fine. Disappointment becomes his family’s problem when he nolonger makes an effort to live up to their expectations. It’s hardto feel bad for failing when you never tried at all.

He wears his heart on his sleeve andshares, over the first stretch of your friendship, everything thereis to know about him. When you get to the kissing part only weekslater he has no secrets left. You make up for it by keeping enoughfor two. That’s the way it should be, the way things work betweenyou. You’re the dashing rogue sneaking into his bedchambers, he’sthe spoiled prince dreaming of freedom. It’s easy to forget thatwith all his naivety and playful attitude he’s also cunning as theycome.

You forget, as he undoubtedly planned,and one day find yourself drunk and sprawling on his bed while he,only slightly tipsy, works to rid you of every story you never toldhim.

“Where’d you get that sword?” heasks, not for the first time, but knowing that now he’s torn yourdefenses down.

“Took it off a guy I killed.” yousay, stroking the fine leather of the scabbard.

“You killed a lot of people?” Hiseyes shine, eager to hear stories of your adventures. He fancieshimself a yakuza boss, despite never having done anything worthwhilefor his clan. He still imagines the world out there to be a story,nothing different from a video game or a comic.

“Sure.” You indulge him, at thatpoint still believing talking is your idea, and sit up to pull himinto your lap. He goes willingly, arches against you, offering youhis perfect body in exchange for a few measly stories. Had you been alittle more sober you’d have known he wants you more than you wanthim, but comfortably dizzy all you know is that the trade seems fair.

“Been a thief all my life. If somepeople fought back I’d kill them and steal their clothes, too.”

He laughs obediently at your bad joke,bats his eyelashes, making you feel like you’re the mostinteresting person in the world.

“And the sword? Who did you kill toget that?”

You shrug, clouding the memory with theusual mist of aloofness.

“Some guy I ran with for a while.Gullible fool, but he wasn’t too bad with the blade. Always went onand on about how I should make something of myself. ‘You’re abetter person than you give yourself credit for.’ Hah. Idiot.Took his sword and his name.” you say, scoffing and waving thememory away. It’s not worth dwelling on.

“Sounds like my father.”

“He was exactly like your father.Couldn’t see the truth if it mooned him.”

Drunken affection makes you plant a wetkiss on his cheek, before you fall back, pulling him with you. Themattress is soft enough to nearly swallow you whole, threatening themost comfortable suffocation death you can think of.

“You and I.” you say, pulling apillow under your head with one hand, holding Genji tight on top ofyou with the other. “You and I are the same. We’re adventurers.They’ll never tame us.”

Waking up with a hangover to match theGods has taught you a lesson or two about drinking in his company,but somehow he still manages to get the odd story out of you everynow and then. Never as personal, as intimate, as the story of how yougot that sword, of how you got the moniker that’s whispered in theright, and sometimes the wrong, circles. Invincible though they callyou, it’s not what you are when Genji finds you one night, out ofbreath and crying. He was the one to establish the rule of noemotional bonding but all the same you give him shelter and listen tohis stuttered report of overhearing the order the clan elders gavehis brother.

Kill your lowlife of a brother, theysaid and it must have been the same voice ringing in your mentor’shead the day he found you stealing. It never would have ended thesame way. Hanzo fights just as well with his left hand.

There’s little to do except run andrun you do, Genji and you, hand in hand and never looking back. Orrarely, anyway.

“Do you think he would have done it?”Genji asks once, when you’re so far away from Japan that speakingHanzo’s name no longer threatens to summon the devil to your home.

You nod. “Pretty sure.”

It’s not what Genji wanted to hearand by now you care for him more than you care for your reputation.When he averts his eyes you gently grasp his chin and make him lookat you.

“But he would have regretted it. Iknow I do.”

He glances at the sword, listens at thepart of the story not even lethal amounts of alcohol could flush outof you.

“He couldn’t live with my blood onhis hands. So he made me live with his on mine. It would havedestroyed your brother having to lift a hand against you. Maybesomeday he’ll realise that.”

For Genji and him there still is asomeday. And reaching it is worth using a painful memory as a lessonso that someday when the brothers reunite they will do it in thislife, rather than hoping for the next, like you have no other choicebut doing.

#overwatch imagines #hanzo #genji #reader insert #overwatch song recs #Anonymous

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jessicafwatkins · 4 years

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Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

Focus on self-realization and career

Riddle: Who will drop out of school and interesting, but low-paid at first, work in favor of a more profitable, but unpromising, so that there is enough money for a crib?

Answer: We all know him very well.

You can make a bunch of intrigues on the side – Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

You will have more money

Quickly disappointed in a girl – Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

Think twice – Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

What to do as a result – Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend

The post Why You Don’t Need Girlfriend appeared first on ToLoveForward.

from ToLoveForward https://toloveforward.com/why-you-dont-need-girlfriend/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=why-you-dont-need-girlfriend from TOLOVEFORWARD https://toloveforward.tumblr.com/post/617823021782204416

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amuelle · 6 years

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Surprise, surprise…YOU ARE the poison.

We are officially in 2019. All the people who were being cut off in 2019 have been cut off. You might just be the toxic person and now you have to deal with knowing you aren’t that great. As I just found out recently….

(Names were changed in the production of this post to protect the identity of participants…but she knows who she is and I’m not sorry….)

I think it’s important to maintain relationship and it’s not difficult to do. I’ve always prided myself on being a great communicator and maintaining relationships. I know I’m not the easiest person to love or get to know. It also takes a lot to get past my initial ‘hard’ exterior. Deep down inside past the sarcasm and smart mount…I’m really a sweetheart….Really. Its something I have complete security in. I know this about myself, I am a great communicator and friend. I was absolutely certain about it but I recently found out that that is not the experience that everyone has had with me. I rarely make new friends, however on occasion you meet someone who can make a valuable contribution to your life in the form of a new friend. I met this one lady – Lola, a long time ago when we were kids. We only became friends when a mutual friend reintroduced us in our 20s. We became a girl gang who hung out every weekend and grew close over a few years and it was a great time.

Part of adulating is accepting you aren’t always a ray of sunshine, you too can be a trash human being at times. Just because you don’t think something about yourself or are convinced you are a great human being that doesn’t make it true. Let me make a personal example – I know I’m loving and know how to show love. Just because I think I’m loving that doesn’t mean that everyone in my life agrees with that. It doesn’t also mean that that’s how they experience me. My belief that I’m loving doesn’t negate the negative experiences people have had with me.

Recently….well not recently, Lola cut me off a long time ago but my slow ass only caught off after actually confronting the issue with her. We had a spat and I still admit I acted like a dick and I apologised for it when I realised where I had gone wrong. I apologised profusely. I apologised like I was Ruben Studdard and it was 2004, like Kobe did when he was caught cheating….I APOLOGISED…On more than one occasion and I thought we were solid but this was not the case. After noticing her distance herself I decided to reach out because maybe she was just living her life and still wanted to be homies. She didn’t respond to my text and I started to worry but I didn’t have the courage to address it. So it persisted to bother me and finally I reached out again and still no response but this time a bitch had some balls and asked why I was being ghosted. She finally responded saying “Because you are ill-tempered and thus incapable of communicating your hurt without being hurtful or catty to other people. This is my experience of you and I would rather not deal with that kind of energy”

(ROW OF SHOCKED EMOJIS AND SIDE EYE)

(THIIIIIIS BITCH)

I’ll admit that I was shocked and I wanted to further engage in the conversation but then it HIT me, she was right. In this specific scenario I was the poison. I had been a dick to her and she didn’t want to deal with me which was super fair. Did I agree with her a hundred percent, no not at all (let’s say vehemently disagree because I’m fucking awesome) but that didn’t matter because for her she had decided and she had cut me off.

I’ve seen that meme all over the socials about how if I’m the poison in your life don’t feel bad about cutting me off, we are grown and self care is important and blah blah blah….ABSOLUTE SHIYYYYTE! That shit hurts. It hurts, you will feel blindsided especially if you thought the issue was resolved. You may or may not get mad and you might want to act in the exact way that you got cut off in the first place. And that is EXACTLY what I did…..I totally did. I let my lil ill-tempered ass get to work. She clearly hadn’t thought it was of any value to notify me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wasn’t about to beg another woman like she gives me rounds. If I hadn’t apologised sincerely more than once I would get it but alas we were here now and a bitch got pride. After she gave me the answer I needed I also ghosted her. Then proceeded to delete her off ALL social media, whatsapp groups, deleted the reminder for her little birthday… I was all DELETE, no pause!

The deleting was definitely a knee jerk reaction. However I am NOT willing to swallow my pride and go back to talking to her about it because I am the POISON. It doesn’t mean I should just lay down and die. What exactly would I be trying to negotiate there???? I’ll tell you what, NOTHING!!!! Not one thing because she doesn’t want my friendship and that’s not a bad thing at all. Effectively, this person just said she wants nothing to do with me and that means everything relating to our former friendship had to change. I couldn’t be the only one in it and by keeping her number and keeping her on social media was just that. It’s a break up, break ups suck but they also teach you things. I am ill-tempered and don’t communicate well when I’m hurt.…BUT WHO DOES??? How many people can say at the height of experiencing the emotions that come with betrayal or an invasion of their privacy they will talk in a calm rational and thoughtful manner? I can’t say that for myself. In fact the person who can communicate their hurt that way, I’d like to meet. I’d like to shake their hand, sponsor their life and follow them like people used to follow The Grateful Dead….. (And I’m serious!) As for being catty…shiiiiiit….I wrote that book, wrote the movie adaptation, executive produced the sound track and there is talk of a theater production. Yes, YES, YES she was right.

It takes a minuet for you to realise that your feelings are making you act a certain way. That certain way might make you not to be the most gracious human being. That said that text made me feel like I hadn’t grown, changed or learnt anything since. She drew a conclusion and it was a fair one because that was her experience. I don’t have to like it for it to be true. I am NOW not quick to be a dick but that doesn’t mean irrevocable damage wasn’t already done. I don’t dispute that at all and nor do I wanna change her mind. I’m only human and I made a mistakes. Just because you apologise it doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to accept your apology. Not only that, they are not obligated to try grow through something with you. They don’t owe you anything….(let that sink in, lets also repeat it for the people who read and don’t absorb immediately…..NO ONE OWES YOU A DAMN THING!)

Now rudely awoken to my toxic traits I am obligated to do better. My problem is/was that I need to use my words better at all times, especially when I’m upset. It’s not fair to lash out but it’s also impossible to gauge how you will react when your privacy is invaded or you feel betrayed. We all have knee jerk reactions and sometimes it hurts the people around us. BUT!!!!!!!! And this is a big BUTT… I mean stripper from Atlanta round and brown big. You are HUMAN!!! You will make mistakes and if you don’t grow from them then you deserve to be cut off and then cut off again coz you know better but don’t do better.

Someone can experience you in a certain phase of your life and assume that’s who you are. That’s who you were at that moment maybe when you aren’t heated you aren’t that person. That doesn’t matter. How many of us go back to the stove to get burnt some more after having been burnt? You won’t go back to get brunt again, but you still need to use the stove to cook. You just now need to be more careful. It’s crazy and irrational to think someone would see poisonous traits in you and stick around to see IF you change. There is no guarantee that once the issue has been raised and apologies exchanged that you will change. If they don’t give you the chance to show them you have changed, you aren’t their lover and even if you were they have every right to still leave you if you are not fulfilling your mandate. Don’t be selfish enough to think anyone is obligated to put up with your torture.

Torture yourself and let the rest of us LIVE!!! That said in this situation since I am the poison I have to understand that I was the weakest link. Even though I felt slated because in her other friendships she had given chances and let others change and grow to be better. In our situation maybe she reached her breaking point quicker or our friendship wasn’t that important to her such that we could try work through things. I’ve decided to KTSE( Keep The Same Energy). If you don’t want to try with me I’m not going to try convince you I am worth it. I already know I am (wow that whole paragraph sounds so defensive….oh well)

At this point It’s not about loses and gains, it’s all about peace of mind. Lola did what she had to do. By asking and her telling me she is done with me, it gave me what I needed too. I’m solid right now. I absolutely prefer this to the purgatory of a one side friendship. I know better now and my intension is to always be cognisant of the way I deliver a message even when I’m hurt. You have been cut off for a reason and that reason should be a starting point for you being a better human being.

At the time of writing this I hadn’t seen her in a LONG LONG time. When I finally did, I was with a mutual friend and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her left, I went right, like I was playing ‘you can’t catch me’ and that was the ill-tempered petty in me…I feel fine about it because it’s good to know we are nothing to each other. I am also grateful she showed me that I need to do better and I intend to do so.

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gethealthy18-blog · 6 years

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Why I Don’t Make New Year’s Resolutions & What I Do Instead

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/why-i-dont-make-new-years-resolutions-what-i-do-instead/

Why I Don’t Make New Year’s Resolutions & What I Do Instead

I’m going to share a little secret… I’m really competitive. (Like, really.) My husband is the same way. So you’d think we’d be great at New Year’s resolutions, right?

Not so much! Let me explain why…

New Year’s Resolutions: Yay or Nay?

Of course I’m not against the idea of self-improvement (far from it) and I’m in full support of setting New Year’s resolutions if it works for you. It became apparent that we needed something different for our family after a few years of trying to set and keep New Year’s resolutions together.

I’m the first one to say that better habits are worth the effort and that strong daily routines go a long way toward a successful outcome. Still, if you’re like me and winning is important (maybe too important), goal-setting has the potential to be frustrating.

My usual downward spiral when it comes to New Year’s resolutions (or resolutions in general) goes something like this:

I think too big and bite off more than I can chew.

I get mad at myself when I don’t accomplish the goal as I thought I would.

Therefore, I don’t want to make new resolutions.

My intentions, while admirable, were not getting me too far. Time for a new approach!

Out with New Year’s Resolutions… in With Experiments!

Since my husband is the exact same way, one year we had a meeting of the minds (over a glass of wine, of course) and decided to take some pressure off of New Year’s resolutions. That year, instead of resolutions, we would try experiments.

In case you were hoping for something more revolutionary, hear me out…

First, let’s look at the definition of “resolution”:

a firm decision to do or not to do something

the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter

Now let’s compare “experiment”:

a scientific procedure undertaken to make a discovery, test a hypothesis, or demonstrate a known fact

a course of action tentatively adopted without being sure of the eventual outcome

Doesn’t one sound a little more motivating (and fun) than the other?

We totally owe Tim Ferriss for the inspiration for our experimental approach:

“I like pushing myself to the limit and pushing the envelope, and in my mind that is not really compatible with a reliable long-term plan,” says Ferriss. “I generally treat my life as six-month projects and two-week experiments of various types. Then I take the most attractive door that pops up, and rinse and repeat.”

Calling our goals “experiments” (we also call them “challenges” at times) builds excitement about the process and keeps the focus on the learning process more than the end result. We make a hypothesis about what will happen and see what we can learn from the experience… no winning or losing involved.

It may sound like the easy way out but these experiments suit the more intense personalities in our house because they allow us to have laser focus for a shorter period of time. Or, we can just have fun with it and see where it leads, depending on what our family needs at the time.

Ideas for a Healthy New Year (& How to Stay Motivated)

So how to start “experimenting” with a great 2019? Here are some favorite experiments and challenges we’ve tried over the years (and I share a full list of mini-goals for the New Year in this podcast if you’re interested):

1. Keep a Journal

If there’s any one way to make positive changes (and keep them), making long-term things much more accomplishable on a smaller scale and on a daily basis is the place to start. This is where a daily journal comes in.

Research shows that journaling reduces stress and has a real impact on happiness and physical health. I’ve always kept some kind of journal, but this year for the sake of research and a bunch of new health routines I plan to try, I’m experimenting with getting a much more detailed journaling process going, such as:

things I’m grateful for

a health picture of the day (what I ate, exercise, how I’m feeling, etc.)

my daily to-do list

a challenge list (more on that in my 2019 New Year’s podcast)

One of my favorite ways to manage my to-do list is to pick the two most important things for the day, every day. (Something besides obviously feeding my family and keeping up with the household, etc.) If all I can get done is those two most important things, then I can consider that day a success!

2. Take a Detox Baby Step

I’m often asked how I “do it all,” and the answer is… a little at a time! The recipes and health articles you see on the blog came to be over 10+ years of experiments, trials, and false starts. I’ve shared my successes, but as my kids would be all too happy to tell you… there were plenty of failures along the way!

This is why I designed my Wellness Mama 5-Step Lifestyle Detox book to offer baby steps that let you tackle a little at a time, in the area of life that matters most to you. Whether it’s your food, cleaning products, makeup and beauty products, or even your mental health that you want to declutter and make healthier, there’s a step that will help with that (in a way that’s not overwhelming or unrealistic).

Some baby steps to start on (covered in detail in the book):

Replace conventional cleaners and detergents with natural ones (get 15% off my favorite starter kit at Branch Basics with code MAMA15)

Swap out plastic cups, plates, or silverware for nontoxic alternatives

Clear the mental clutter and reconnect by setting a digital day off (use a kitchen safe if you have to).

3. Write up (or Refine) a Family Manifesto

Years ago we discovered the power of a family manifesto to shape our family culture. It keeps growing and changing as our family does, but we’re very intentional about pursuing those goals.

I’ve explained more about what’s in our family manifesto elsewhere, but a big goal in our family is to raise kids with an entrepreneurial mindset. This is something that is very important to both my husband and myself. We try to give them opportunities to think outside of the box because with the way some things in the world and environment are headed, we need people who can tackle and solve these problems.

Once we narrowed down to our the core values that really define and excite us, we put it in writing. Visual reminders like these wall quotes help keep us focused on what really matters to our family.

4. Conduct a Sleep Experiment

Having trouble narrowing down to just one thing to tackle this year? What if I told you just one thing could help your body restore and heal, regulate hormone production, boost your mood, and aid in weight loss? Yep, sleep! Plus it’s free (or almost free)!

Of course as moms there are many situations that make it tough to get enough sleep, but when even just one missed night of sleep can give you the blood sugar levels of a diabetic or pre-diabetic, it’s an area to take seriously.

One thing I can control even as a mom is my sleep environment and this is a great place to start experimenting. I go into exactly what I do in this post, but some additional things to try are:

avoiding blue light a few hours before sleep (or wear orange glasses)

lowering the temperature at night

using black-out curtains (and ditching nightlights)

investing in a good quality mattress

exposure to outdoor light for at least 30 minutes in the morning (or use a sun lamp)

Sleep better and you’re already off to a great start in 2019!

5. Have an Attitude of Gratitude

It sounds cliché, but cultivating gratitude as a daily habit is perhaps even more important than any resolution or experiment, because it’s the secret to fighting stress and staying motivated. The point here is to keep from falling into the trap of thinking, “If only I had XYZ, I’d be happy,” or, “If only I didn’t have to deal with ABC, I’d be happy.” This is a pretty vicious cycle.

I love this TED talk from Shawn Anchor where he points out that gratitude and happiness are the first step and not the end result. So making the choice to be happy and have gratitude is not only healthy, but it can improve performance and success as well! Sometimes just writing down what we’re grateful for (and telling others we’re grateful for them too) is all we need to realize we’re doing just fine.

2018: A Wellness Mama Year in Review

Resolutions aside, I do value this time of year for reflecting on all we’ve done and accomplished. The last 525,600 minutes have been busy, hectic, hard, amazing, rewarding, and so many other things all rolled into one crazy year and I’m so grateful that I got to spend it with all of you!

To celebrate some of the things that make life easier (hooray!), I’m sharing some the best natural living resources and hacks I found in 2018 (and I’d love to hear yours in the comments as well).

Highlight of 2018: Working With My Best Friend!

2018 will go down in the books as one of my very favorite years, because it’s the one when Heather and I decided to join forces! Now we have unlimited excuses to hang out (you know, in the name of health research) and make even better content for all of you.

You’ll see more changes coming on the site soon, and thanks for your patience as we navigate all the technical ins and outs of creating the new and improved Wellness Mama!

Biggest Lesson Learned: Hurricane Michael

It was a real test this year sitting in a hallway of a hotel and watching the predictions that the path of the storm would make landfall exactly where we lived. Trying to choose gratitude in that moment, even realizing everything we owned could be gone, was definitely difficult.

At the same time, it made me realize more than ever how the most important things are people we love and how little else we really need.

Our house was spared, but with the devastation still in many areas around us, there’s a long road ahead for our area. It’s spectacular how people here are pulling together to help each other and I won’t ever forget this lesson about the importance of community.

Favorite Christmas Memory: Handmade Gifts

No matter how I try to keep them little, my kids just keep getting older. Many of them are starting to handle gifting on their own. I loved seeing how many of them chose to give handmade gifts this year. I’ll cherish these gifts more than anything that could come from a store, and thanks to online courses from Udemy, some of them were complete surprises I didn’t even know they could make!

Biggest Health Game-Changer: SteadyMD

I wrote a lot this year about what we use for health care, and we’ve made some big changes for the better. My family doctor is now only a text away thanks to a service called SteadyMD. They asked me a series of questions about our lifestyle and health preferences and matched each person in the family to the best doctor for them. Our SteadyMD docs are on call 24/7, and mine even specializes in Hashimoto’s (since he has it himself).

We use the family plan so I can text or call the doctor about all of the bumps, scrapes, sprains, and mysterious rashes (oh, the rashes!) that seem to come with having kids.

p.s. If you’ve ever thought about using a health-sharing ministry or service in place of insurance, I write about our (very positive) experience with Samaritan here.

My Favorite New Gadget: The Oura Ring

I’ve stayed away from sleep trackers and Fitbits until now because I didn’t like the idea of wearing wireless technology… until I found the Oura Ring! Unlike other trackers, the Oura Ring works in airplane mode. It’s incredibly accurate too. I can set fitness goals, track my heart rate, get a view of my physical activity, analyze sleep patterns, and even track my cycle.

Runners Up:

Best Beauty Product: Alitura Naturals

Just when I thought I’d perfected my oil cleansing facial routine, I found a skincare line that blows everything I’ve ever tried out of the water. The amazing formulas include all of the best organic skincare ingredients like jojoba oil, rosehip oil, bee propolis, astaxanthin, neroli oil, and more. I interviewed Alitura founder Andy Hnilo in this podcast, and the story behind his company is so inspiring.

Runners Up:

Best New Health Product for Kids: Genexa

I can’t even tell you how excited I am that there is now a natural, organic, dye and preservative-free line of over-the-counter medicines at the corner pharmacy. It’s basically what I’ve dreamed about for years. I use Genexa’s Sleepology when the kids can’t sleep, Allergy-D for seasonal allergies, and their Cold Crush and saline spray to loosen congestion… but the whole line is amazing. Check them out here.

Runner Up:

Ready, Set, Food! – Only in the runner-up category because it is for the more limited category of babies ages 4-11 months, but this is a break-through new product all moms should know about, especially if you worry about your children developing food allergies.

Favorite New Recipe

I’ve always liked recreating my favorite restaurant meals at home, but this was the year I perfected some of my favorite “at-home take-out” meals (and saved a lot of money in the process):

Favorite Snack or Quick Breakfast: PaleoValley Beef Sticks

Hands down, my favorite kid-friendly snack in the pantry are these PaleoValley beef sticks. Unlike a lot of other snacks they deliver a solid dose of protein and keep kids satisfied until we get to where we’re going. They’re also organic, grass-fed, and naturally fermented and shelf-stable without preservatives. My kids’ favorite flavors are the Original and the Summer Sausage.

Runners up:

Best Time-Saver in the Kitchen: Real Plans

Without a doubt, the tool that saves me the most time in the kitchen is Real Plans for meal planning. The Instant Pot saves me the most time in cooking, but Real Plans saves time planning and shopping (and it has many Instant Pot recipes too!). My favorite part? It is so easy to use that I can plan everything from my phone while waiting at kid activities!

Word of the Year

I’m keeping my word of the year from 2018 because I think it’s still fitting — “community.” It couldn’t be more fitting as I’m trying to focus on building strong community in our home, our city, and here on the blog. What is your word this year? If you need ideas, try this word of the year generator for a kickstart!

Giving Back in 2018…

From the very beginning, the mission of Wellness Mama has been to help other families live healthier lives and empower moms (and dads) with practical ways to accomplish this.

I feel like the mission to help parents provide healthy food for their families doesn’t stop in my own community or even just in the blogging community as there is such a need for this internationally.

Did you know?

If you’ve ever clicked a link on the site and made a purchase from there, you’ve helped keep WellnessMama.com up and running, and a percentage of that is also donated to charities that provide sustainable food and water sources worldwide. Thank you so much if you’ve helped support my blog in this way and also helped support many others worldwide.

Reviewing the numbers today, the giving is the real thing that I’m most excited about and most proud of. Over the years, the Wellness Mama Community… YOU… have helped provide items to families in need all over the world.

These gifts not only provide food or clothing to those in need, but in many cases, also a sustainable food or water source and a way for a family to earn an income.

Over the years, you’ve helped give:

2000 pounds of non-perishable foods

840 chickens for eggs, meat and income for families

72 pigs for food and income for families

12 goats for food and income for families

4 donkeys for transportation and tilling

3 water pumps that each provide water to a village

4 beehives for food and income for families

20 fruit trees so that families can grow the fruit and sell

10 pairs of work boots so farmers can work safely

5 sets of agricultural tools for small farmers

10 large coolers for fishermen to store fish to sell

8 sewing machines and thread/material for women to open sewing businesses

plus medical supplies and school supplies for children around the world

These things were donated through Food for the Poor in case you want to send some chickens to someone in need this year 🙂

I’ve always been a big believer in the “teach a man to fish” mentality, and giving in this way not only provides food or water for someone one time, but helps other families to start their own businesses and provide food for their children regularly. Because at the end of the day:

Looking Forward to 2019…

Again, thank you so much for reading, for being a part of the Wellness Mama community, and for sharing in the mission of providing a healthier future for our children.

In 2019 I hope you’ll join me in one of my personal goals: to let go of the stress, expectations, and perfectionism that seem to go hand in hand with modern motherhood. To set a good example for my children and teach them the coping skills to manage stress as they get older.

If this sounds like a lofty goal, it’s only because it’s one I’ve been working on for years. I can finally say I’m at the point where I’m letting go of old habits and convincing my Type-A driven personality to make self-care and self-compassion a priority.

I’ll be talking about these things a lot more on the blog this year, and sharing the systems and habits that have made the difference for me. Hopefully what I’ve experienced will help some of you, and I’m sure you’ll have ideas for me!

Happy New Year 2019, Wellness Mamas!

I may be the original Wellness Mama, but the truth is all of you make this community what it is — a tribe of moms searching for better ways to care for ourselves and our families. I’m honored to be on the journey with all of you, and I wish each of you a very peaceful, happy, and healthy 2019!

Do you make New Year’s resolutions? What works or doesn’t work for your family? I’d love to hear your ideas for experiments, challenges, or resolutions!

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/26215/new-years-resolutions/

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