#i took a shower btw right after waking up and also my mom gave me tea

[altmoon]

happy Friday ladies 💌

[anime-kia]

Lust and Temptation

I know I said that I was on my writing hiatus, but a wave of inspiration hit me. I was in my room jamming to some Kirk Franklin when the idea came to me. Yes you can turn up to gospel, don't @ me. 

This is going to be a religious fanfic (with a bit of blasphemy), if you're not Christian and/or don't believe in God you can still read this story, BUT! Do not leave any comments that would be disrespectful to my beliefs. If you do leave anything disrespectful: Delete and mute :) You are not obligated to read this story, it's your choice. 

And also I'm gonna dive a little more further, beyond what is openly taught. The worldly doctrine as it is called because I'm sure Erik would be that type of guy.

~ Post Black Panther ~

Warnings: Smut (takes a while for it to happen btw), Angst (a bit), A tad of deep stuff (religion wise)

Relationship: Erik x Christian Reader

Sunday morning, you dreaded it as a child, but now it was a lot more tolerable. It was the same thing every week; wake up at ten, use the bathroom, shower, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, get dressed into your Sunday best and head out to church to catch the twelve o'clock service. 

As a child your routine was fairly the same, except you had to wake up much earlier and attend all three services. Why? Because you're the pastors daughter. The only thing you genuinely enjoyed about church was the singing. You always had the ability to sing, but you were too young to join the choir. You loved the Lord with all your heart too, but you hated sitting down for hours listening to your father preach. He had a nice voice, but you could only listen to the same thing for so long. 

The memories of your mother scolding you for fidgeting too much or asking to leave early made a smile grace your face as you drove down the relatively and empty highway. 

It was warm out, and knowing that, the A/C would be blasting so you decided to wear a long sleeve cream coloured blouse that was tucked inside of a long black body con maxi skirt (appropriate enough for church) and black stilettos. You paired the outfit with gold accessories and light makeup.

One of the perks of being the pastors daughter included getting close parking, and you always took your spot on the right side of your father's white Lexus RX. Locking your car door, you made your way to the front doors being held by two young boys that you teach after the singing is completed. 

"Good afternoon, Miss (Y/N)." They both said in unison. 

"Good afternoon boys, how was your vacation?" They were away for two weeks, you remember how happy they were when they told you they'd be traveling out of the country for the first time.

"So fun!" The shorter one missing his two front teeth, Anthony, enthused.

"Yeah, we got to swim in the ocean!" Jacob matched his brother's excitement. 

"Oh really? That's so cool!" 

You allowed them to chat your ears off about their vacation to the Bahamas while they continued to hold the doors. Anthony was about to tell you about the shark he saw until your mother spotted you. 

"Hey, baby. How are you?" The familiar scent of Estée Lauder whiffed through your nose as she pulled you into a hug. 

"Hi Mom, I'm good." You waved to the boys as you walked with her towards the nave, "How's dad?" You greeted the church brothers and sisters who were setting up the equipment and rehearsing before the service started.

"The same, of course." She rolled her eyes and you chuckled.

"There's my star! Come here." Your father came down the stage and gave you a bear hug. 

"Hey, Dad." Your voice was muffled into his shoulder. You took the handkerchief out of his breast pocket and wiped his shiny forehead. "You're sweating." You said and placed it back into the pocket.

"It's a great service. Speaking of which, why did you stop coming to all three? We could really use your voice for all of em. Sister Eva is great, but you know how to get the crowd going."

You thanked him, and avoided answering the question truthfully. 

"(Y/n), let's get you set up." One of the technicians pulled you to the stage and gave you your usual equipment for singing. 

There were about ten minutes before the service was going to start so you quickly rehersed with the band and before you knew it people started filling into the space. Familiar members of the church gathered in, sliding into the seats and making room for others. You spotted a few of your church friends and gave them a little wave.

They would often tease you for being a good girl. The pastor's daughter usually got a bad rep. Them being the ones to do it all; sex, drugs, smoking, tattoos, etc. But you never found the need to do any of that. The only "rebellious" thing you've done was get your nose pierced. Your dad hated it (and he still does), but your mother was a lot more lenient. 

"Good afternoon everyone." You greeted the congregation with a smile, and they replied with a drowsy response. "I said good afternoon, everyone!" You had more enthusiasm in your voice this time, and they also did. "Much better. Now has God been good to you?"

"Yes!"

"And has he provided for you? Loved you unconditionally?"

"Yes!"

"He is great, ain't He?"

"Amen!" Cheers and applauds sounded the room.

"Yes, amen. Now I wanted to start off with an upbeat song. Let's get everyone up on your feet and clap your hands like this."

The congregation stood to their feet and followed your pace of claps. The band started playing their version of Kirk Franklin's, Looking For You. You allowed them to play the intro and then you and the choir joined in.

I've been down so long

I've been hurt for so long

There were times I thought I'd never see the break of day

It was hard for me to see your plan for me

And I tried to believe surely it won't last always

You enjoyed seeing everyone getting in tune with their souls through the music, parents were dancing with babies and children on their hips, little kids were jumping up and down. This was the best song to get everyone moving and ready to celebrate their love for the Lord. It almost caught you off guard when you noticed someone was still seated, it was hard to see him clearly because he was in the far back, but you knew that this was his first time coming to this church. He had a very distinct look, dreads, and a large frame. You thought maybe he was just one of those people who stopped by to hear a few words then leave, but he was dressed in his Sunday best, just like everyone else. He also looked like he had full intentions to stay.

You continued to sing your heart out, hyping the crowd up with reminders of why God is so good, and them replying amen. You danced and let the music flow through your body. Yup, this was the best thing about church.

Your voice was warm and welcoming, your energy was refreshing, your beauty was tranquilizing to him and he wanted to get to know you. He had the right intentions coming into the building, but seeing you lit a spark in him that he tried to suppress. 

The song came to an end, and he hadn't realized. The thunders of applauds and praises pulled him out of his trance, and he soon joined in. 

"Amen. You know what my favourite part about church is? The singing, not only because God blessed me with this voice, but because it touches my soul. Psalms 95:1 says 'Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation'." 

"Amen!"

"Glory be to God, and we lift our hands to you. We sing our praises to you! Every praise, is to you oh Lord." That was the cue for the band to get into the next song, Every Praise. You once again set the tempo for the sways and the congregation followed. 

Every praise is to our God

Every word of worship with one accord

Every praise every praise is to our God

Sing hallelujah to our God

Glory hallelujah is due our God

Every praise every praise is to our God

He decided to sit still, but tapped his feet to the beat of the song, his hands folded in his lap. He was so enamoured by you, that he hadn't noticed when a little girl rested her hands onto his knee. He looked down at the brown skinned baby, no older than two he assumed. She had two little puffs secured with bow clips, and a pink and white dress with matching shoes. She pushed herself off of his knee and smiled at him, her little hand waving to him. He smiled at her until she was pulled away.

"Sorry about that." A younger looking lady said, "My baby likes to meet everyone." She was a beautiful lady with dark skin, coily tresses fixed into a puff and pearly white teeth. 

"No problem." He simply replied with the same smile he gave the little girl. 

When she returned to her spot, which was only a seat away from him, he noticed that she wasn't with a man. He predicted that she was a young single mother, and he could tell she was somewhat stressed out. His training gave him the ability to read people with ease, and his past self had a knack for "fixing" stressed out women. He was so close to getting out of his seat and reverting back to his old ways, but that was why he was here in the first place so he decided to stay seated and listen to your voice.

"I have another verse for y'all. Ephesians 5:19, 'Speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord'." You recited. "I have one more song before I let my father take over. This one always gets me emotional." The band once again started up with a softer melody. "Everyone just lift your hearts and voices as you sing with me."

The graceful rhythm of Healer flowed through the room and everyone calmed down, getting in tune with themselves and their saviour, you included.

You hold my every moment 

You calm my raging seas 

You walk with me through fireand heal all my disease 

You closed your eyes while singing, swaying to the beat. The choir handled majority of the song while you let it resonate in your heart. You could feel tears welling into your eyes.

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands

He could feel the depth in your voice, the emotion wrapped around him, he was almost driven to tears. He had never seen anything so beautiful, so dedicated, so pure and loving. Your voice was more than enough proof for him. He was a sinner and he knew he would corrupt you, but you were like a lure, pulling him in.

"Amen!" Your voice called out, as the song came to a close. He was surprised that your voice sounded so normal, not a crack present. Had you not said anything, anyone would've been convinced that you were crying, but your voice had masked that very well. "Thank you everyone, thank you." Applauds filled the room, he was surprised to find himself clapping as well. You walked off the stage, your father giving you another hug just before you got to your seat.

"Amen indeed," He began. "My daughter everyone!" He clapped and the congregation joined in again. You smiled as your mother kissed your temple, stating how beautiful you sounded. It always felt good, not the applauds and recognition from everyone, but being able to use your talent to praise God and to be able to allow people to do the same whether they could sing or not.

Today's lesson was about forgiveness and acceptance. 

"Now I want y'all to think. And think real good." Your father eyed the crowd, "Are y'all holding a grudge against someone?"

Some folks shook their heads, others remained silent. He was one of them who remained silent.

"Why? Maybe they've wronged you, hurt you, lied on you, stole from you. But you know what, you know who doesn't hold a grudge... The Father. In fact, He loves you all so much that He sent His only son to die on the cross for all of our sins. Imagine that." 

He listened carefully to the pastors words, taking in everything like a sponge. You on the other hand had this speech given to you a thousand times, you could probably teach this lesson if you wanted to. Holding grudges was not natural to you, so you never did. You always forgave and forgot, no matter the circumstance. 

Usually you were sent off to teach the younger kids their own lesson, but another one of the members allowed you to take this Sunday off and took your place instead.

The lesson continued for an hour and church had finally started coming to it's end.

"I would like to close this off with a prayer before you all leave. Anyone who needs a special prayer is more than welcome to stay behind. Please join your hands together as we say this prayer."

He was hesitant to hold hands with any stranger, but an old lady (with a surprisingly strong grip) to his left and the single mother to his right held his hands and already had their heads bowed. He followed suit and listened to the prayer that the pastor had recited.

"I pray you all have a blessed week, and we'll see you again next Sunday."

You were required to stay behind, not that you minded, but you were apart of the church crew. Leaving so soon would seem inappropriate. 

A few people made their way down to the front to receive an extra prayer, he was going to leave, but he saw you standing off to the side waiting for anyone to come by. 

Of course he wasn't nervous to greet you, women were so easy when it came to him.

"Bye, Sister Mary. See you next Sunday." You waved to the older lady as she made her way out, smiling at him as he made his way over to you. 

He stood in front of you, towering over you.

"Hello." You greeted him. This was the same man you saw seated when you first opened the service. 

"Hey." He replied with a smirk.

"What's your name, stranger?"

"Erik."

"I'm (y/n), nice to meet you. I don't think I've ever seen you in this church before."

"Nah, I'm new. It's actually my first day here."

"Oh lovely, so I guess you're going to be joining us from now on?"

He was very hesitant to reply and you had already figured out he was one of the lost as our father would describe them. People trying to find God again after hardship. He did look quite rough on the edges, handsome though.

"That's alright, but I do hope you consider. Now what type of blessings are you in need of today?"

"I'm looking for peace." His voice was very gentle as he explained.

You held your hands out to Erik, "Aren't we all." You smiled at him as he placed his calloused hands into yours. This alone told you he's been through more than you could ever imagine. You began to pray for him, asking God to bring peace and security to his heart. 

Like your singing, there was so much passion and sincerity in every word you spoke. He found it strange that someone he'd never met before could actually lend out their time to wish him all the best through the form of prayer. It was odd, the feeling in his heart was warm. Not something he was use to.

"Erik?" He was staring so deeply at you, it was like he was in a trance. "Erik?" You called again. 

He hadn't realized when you stopped praying, "Oh shi- I mean shoot. Sorry." He let go of your hands as he apologized.

You gave him a sympathetic smile, "It's all good."

He was at a loss for words, all he could say was, "Thanks for this."

"Of course, I'm here every Sunday. I hope to see you again."

"Yeah."

Next Sunday rolled around and you were a lot more excited this time. You really hoped that Erik would be there. On the highway you exceeded the speed limit just a little bit to get to church faster. You parked your car and got into the church, this time no one was holding the door as you were a lot earlier. 

Everything followed suit as usual, you sing, your father preaches and closing prayer. You had spotted Erik while singing, this time he was standing up and clapping. It was a good start, he'd get to singing eventually.

This week he had asked you to pray for healing and restoration in his heart. Before leaving, you gave him a hug and you were quite surprised when your palm touched his back. You felt ridges, lot's of them. You wanted to ask him about them, but it would probably be rude. Maybe he had a skin condition.

The following Sunday was also the same, but this time he had asked you to pray for guidance. You knew he was lost, and you were more than happy to help. You didn't know, however, about the burden he was carrying, nor did you try to pry into that. After the prayer he thanked you.

Suddenly your mother and father came over to greet you both.

"Hey Mom, Dad. This is Erik."

"Lovely to meet you, Erik." Your mother shook his hand.

"Welcome to the church. You must be new." Your father also shook his hand.

"Yeah, it's his third time here." He nodded as you spoke for him.

"Glad to have a new member." He patted Erik on the shoulder. "(Y/n), are you coming over for dinner tonight?"

"Yes, I just gotta grab something at my place and I'll see you there."

"Alright, we're heading out now. Drive safe. Once again, nice to meet you Erik." Your parents waved to you both as they left the church.

You sighed, "I hate closing up this place, it's so eerie in the dark."

"For real?"

"Yup."

"The Lord's house?"

"Yes, Erik."

"How God suppose to give you bad vibes?"

"He doesn't, it's just my mind running rampant... Plus, this church is really old."

"Aight, I can stay and protect you just in case." He joked.

You rolled your eyes and agreed anyway. "I gotta do the basement first."

So he followed you down to where the bathrooms and meeting rooms were located.

"I guess I could give you a little t-" You turned around, but he wasn't there. "Erik?!" You called out. "Erik, come on this ain't funny." The light shut off and you were alone in the dark. You screamed when you felt a hand land on your shoulder. You slapped the hand away and the lights came back on revealing a laughing Erik. "So. Not. Funny."

"I'm sorry." He continued to laugh.

Two months had passed and this Sunday followed the same, but when closing prayer rolled around Erik had prayed for a date.

"What do you mean a date?" You giggled at his request. "I'm gonna need you to be more specific." 

"Exactly that, a date. With you."

You were taken aback by his statement, but then smiled. "What will this date consist of?"

"Anything you want."

One thing you learned about Erik with knowing so little about him was his bold and cocky demeanour.

"Alright... Hmm..." You thought of how you would play along with his request. "Oh Lord, I pray that Erik takes me somewhere nice, with good food and good music. I also pray that this may not turn out to be a bad experience, in your holy name, amen." 

He loved to see your laugh, "So that's a yes?"

"Yes."

Your parents had left early again and you were subject to Erik's pranks and duty of closing up. After locking the church, he walked you to your car as you entered your number into his phone.

"So I'll pick you up on Friday at six?" 

"Yeah, see you then Erik." He locked your door for you and strode off to his car as you drove away. 

Erik was really hoping that he wouldn't screw anything up. You could be his redemption and he truly felt it. Sure he'd only known you for such a short time, but something about your presence felt so promising to him. 

It was five p.m. and you just got out of the shower when you had called Erik.

"Ya know, you still haven't told me where you're taking me." 

"Don't worry about it, ma."

"But I don't know what to wear."

"Just dress good."

You frowned at the general answer, "That could mean anything. I have good pyjamas, good gym clothes, good church clothes."

You could hear him sigh on the other line, "We're going on a date. Wear something sexy then."

You blushed at his comment, "Wha- Fine."

"Just don't take forever, aight."

"Okay, Erik see you soon."

"Later, princess."

Before you could ask him about his pet name for you, the line went dead.

Your black Persian cat, Minnie, hopped onto your bed and meowed at you. Her name was quite ironic because her fur gave her a large appearance. 

"What's up, Minnie? You hungry?" 

She rolled onto her back and meowed again. 

"Alright, lemme just finish getting ready then I got you, okay." You rubbed her stomach, (luckily she doesn't mind that) and went into your closet looking for the perfect outfit.

Something sexy...

You never thought about dressing "sexy". You didn't have bad style, but you never wore anything to attract attention. Your outfits were mainly business casual or business dressy when you were out. At home, you settled for something comfy.

But remembered your sister taking you shopping when she set you up for all those blind dates. None of the men you met were intriguing in the slightest. They all had their quirks and nicks that were huge turn offs. You weren't stuck up, but you could not see yourself spending the next fifty years with them. Erik though, had something enticing about him. He made you curious.

You decided to go for blind date outfit number two. A high-low dress with a white polyester satin top and royal blue mesh bottoms, silver accessories, light makeup and white stilettos. You slipped into the dress, zipping it up and adjusted the bottom. 

You thought about what food you were going to order as you filled up Minnie's food bowl with wet food, salmon to be exact, her favourite. If he was one of those cheap men, he'd take you to McDonalds. You were told to be grateful in any case, so you would order a combo. But maybe you were lucky enough to be going on a date with someone who has a decent bank account. Maybe he'd take you to a restaurant where you could order pasta or a fancy fish. Maybe a hibachi grill! Those were always a ton of fun to go to. 

Though Erik and you have known each other for two months strictly because of church, you didn't know anything about him. Once again, he never failed to remind you of how mysterious he was. He could be a killer for all you know.

You stroked Minnie's back as she quickly ate her dinner. 

"Maybe I could order the same thing Mom and Dad made me the last time I was over there." They had made grilled steak and potatoes, it was delicious. Your mother was actually a queen on the grill, and your father tagged in with the perfect seasonings. You always ate good with them. While you daydreamed about consuming their cooking, your father's words replayed through your head. 

"I dunno, I feel like I've seen him before. Like he just seems so familiar."

"How so?"

"I'm not sure, the name... Also, when I touched his shoulder I felt these bumps, it reminded me of something, but I'm not so sure."

"Maybe it's a coincidence." 

"Maybe..."

The raps against your door brought you out of your thoughts and you went over to go open it. There Erik stood in a black semi casual suit and black Louis Vuitton loafers.

"Hey, Princess."

"Hey, Erik." You gave him a hug getting a whiff of a cologne that was very subtle, but you already knew it was very expensive. You recall smelling it in a high end store at the mall.

"You smell good." He said. What he was smelling was your body mist from Victoria's Secret, you got it on sale for five dollars.

"Thanks, I should be saying the same to you."

"You look sexy too."

"Ah thanks." You stopped yourself knowing where he was going.

"What, you ain't gonna say the same to me?"

"I mean, I guess you look alright." You teased.

He kissed his teeth and shook his head and you laughed. 

"Bye, Minnie. I'll be back later." You locked the door and latched arms with Erik as he guided you down the steps to his car. "Oh my gosh, this is your ride?" You exclaimed, charmed by the shiny black Corvette.  

"One of." He plainly stated, opening the passengers side for you.

"One of?!"

"Hop in." He ignored your question for clarification. You got in and he locked the door, making his way around to the driver's side. He wasted no time taking off into the night. The sky was shaded with a warm orange colour as the sun began to sink below the Oakland skyline. His music was a lot lower than you had originally expected.

You could faintly hear the tune and lyrics, it was a Biggie Smalls song that you've heard throughout high school. You hummed to the beat of the song until it completely stopped.

"Hey, it was low enough." You frowned at Erik. 

"Why don't you sing for me instead?" His focus was still on the road.

"Well, I usually like to have a beat playing."

"You don't do A Capella?" 

"Only when I'm at home."

"So you ain't tryna sing a lil something for me?" He turned to look at now that he was at a stop light.

"Only if I can get a beat."

"I don't beat box."

You rolled your eyes, "I wasn't asking you to do it. Do you have an aux cord?"

He laughed, "Aux cord?" 

"What's so funny about that?" You narrowed your eyes at him. 

"Just connect it to my bluetooth."

"Oh alright, Mr. Fancy." You held your hands up in a surrender. 

After setting it up, which was surprisingly really fast compared to your car, you chose to play another one of your favourite Kirk Franklin songs, I Smile. 

Today's a new day, but there is no sunshine

Nothing but clouds, and it's dark in my heart

And it feels like a cold night

Today's a new day, but where are my blue skies

Where is the love and the joy that you promised me?

Not even a minute through the song and this man had turned the radio off.

"Erik!" 

"You singing that gospel shit, it ain't even Sunday."

"I'm not a Sunday Christian, I practice it every day of my life."

He laughed, and began driving as the light changed to green. "You're the first."

"What do you mean?" 

"You know, I always thought this religious thing was bullshit."

"Excuse m-"

"Hold on, let me explain." He held his hand up, "You even admitted it just now. Y'all go to church every Sunday, belting your hearts out and praising God. But as soon as it's over, people go back to their sinful ways. Whether it be cheating, lying, stealing, ya get what I'm saying?"

It's true, it has definitely crossed your mind on multiple occasions, and that's why you said what you said. "I do."

"What's the point if you're just gonna go back to being a sinful person?"

"I guess it just gives them some type of security." You didn't exactly know how to answer his question, and you've asked your father the same thing many times, but even he could not come up with the perfect explanation. 

"Anyway, what else you got on your phone?" 

"Mainly just gospel, it really gets me through the day."

"You was just humming to Biggie. I'm sure you got something other than gospel, let me see." He held his palm out for you to place your phone in it. 

"You're driving, focus on the road."

"The light's gonna change, let me see it." He slowed to a stop.

"Fine." You placed the phone into his hands and scanned for songs other than gospel. His sudden laughter made you stare at him, "What's so funny?"

"Clean, clean, clean. All these songs got the little clean icon." He handed you your phone, "Aight, I'm firing you from DJ duty."

"Wooowwww." You rolled your eyes and folded your arms across your chest.

"I got you." He lifted his phone and scrolled through his list, you alerted him when the light turned green and he set his phone back down in the cup holder. "You got this one on ya phone."

T-Pain's, Bartender filled the car and you were a little surprised. You really thought he was gonna chose a song that was loaded with cursing and sexual innuendos. But you didn't have songs like that on your phone. Honestly, you lived for the early 2000s throwback songs and you felt your voice complimented T-Pain's as you sang along.

Erik handled the verses as you sand the pre-hook and the hook. The bass in his car was amazing, you felt as if you were at a live concert seated in front of the speakers. You continued to listen to his early 2000s playlist until he decided to change it up to more recent songs. 

"Please don't play those new artists."

"Artists? They ain't artists, they fuckin' trash. Disgraceful to even call themselves rappers." He scoffed.

"I'm glad you agree, but do you have to swear?"

"Fuck yeah." He set his phone back down and a song you were unfamiliar with filled the car, "Neighbor, Juicy J and Travis Scott." He told you. You knew Travis, his songs were pretty good.

You were bopping to the music, ignoring the little "Shut the fuck up" at the beginning. Erik was vibing to the song as well, bopping his head and doing little dances with his hands. You were enjoying the song until the chorus came. He was looking at you the whole time with a smirk.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

Your mouth was ajar, watching him recite every single word. He bursted out laughing at your shocked expression. 

"Damn shorty, it ain't that serious." He turned the volume down, "You telling me you've never cussed?"

"No, never."

Your expressions changed, his mouth was now ajar this time. "Never?"

"Never."

"Say, sofa."

You stared at him suspiciously. "Sofa."

"Now say, king."

"King."

"Say it together real fast."

"Sofa k- Really?" You glared at him.

"I tried. Anyway, we're here." He hopped out and came around to the other side to get you.

"This place is beautiful, oh my gosh. I thought you needed to make reservations some months ahead to get in." You gawked at the super high ceiling with crystal chandeliers, the marble walls and floors, and the large gold fountain placed right in the centre. "How'd you do it?"

He simply shrugged.

"You're taking this very lightly. I mean, this is a lot for a first date."

"You don't like it?"

"No, no. I love it, it's just, a lot to take in and you're acting like this is normal."

"It is." He shrugged again.

"What?" You stared at him incredulously. 

A waiter arrived at the table, placing a basket of bread and fancy cheese platter on the table.

"Good evening, can I start you both off with some drinks?" 

"Lemme get your best bottle of Rosé. The whole thing."  

Erik hadn't even looked at the menu and you were searching through it quickly. The waiter had already gone off and you didn't have a chance state that you only wanted a glass of water.

"I don't drink." You told Erik.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't care to."

"You never had a little sip?"

"Nope, never. Just like swearing. Never done it, never will."

"Say sofa-"

"Be quiet." You cut him off and he chuckled.

"Ya know, Jesus turned water into wine. John 2:1-11. The bible ain't against drinking."

"So?"

"So, he wasn't afraid to have fun. We talking about God's son. That man had serious responsibility, but he still did that. You need to loosen up, girl. I ain't asking you to get drunk."

You sighed, and the waiter had returned with a bottle of the Rosé. He poured you a glass and asked if you both needed some time to order, but Erik had already placed his order and yours. 

"Wha- I don't even know what you just ordered." 

"You'll like it, I promise."

Goes to show how often he comes here, maybe with other women too.

"So this is the part where you tell me about yourself." You began.

"Well shit, what do you wanna know?"

"Well first of all, what in the world do you do?"

"I work for a Wakandan outreach centre in Oakland. Helping our people do better with the fucked up system."

"Oh that's pretty cool, it pays well?"

"Well if you're trying to ask how I can afford everything I got, I also work beside the King of Wakanda. His advisor to be exact. So I get my money like that."

You stared at him puzzled, "Huh?" 

He smirked, "I guess you can say I'm royalty. That dude I called King, he's my cousin."

You almost choked on the bread that you just took a bite out of, "WHAT?"

The white people turned around to look at the source of the sound, their noses scrunched up at your vulgar outburst as Erik laughed.

"You know Erik, lying lips are an abomination to the Lord. Proverbs 12:22." 

"Who said I was lying?"

The waiter had come back with two steaming plates that were covered by a cloche. As he raised the silver metal covering, steam smoked out from the sides revealing two plates of alligot and garlic roasted chicken sliced into perfect pieces with truffles and caviar. You've heard of alligot once on a YouTube video, but you hadn't planned on trying it.

You both thanked him as he left you two to finish off your meal.

"So, what do you do?" He used the knife to cut the chicken breast into a smaller piece before putting it into his mouth.

"Well, I'm a full time social worker at a high school and part time singer and youth teacher on Sunday's. But you already knew that." You said while scooping the cheesy potato onto your fork.

"Maybe you could come talk to some of the kids at the centre. Teach em a bit."

"I could, but I'd have to find somewhere in my schedule to fit it."

"We're always open and willing to get more people on our team. Just let me know."

"For sure." 

You both ate in relative silence, only because you were still staring at the rose coloured drink resting to the right side of your plate. Erik had already finished half of his glass. You told him, maybe you'd opt out because surely he can't drink and drive home, but he assured you his alcohol tolerance was very high. It was a little insipid how high it was a matter of fact.

"It won't kill you, just think of it as pink lemonade."

You narrowed your eyes as you brought the glass to your lips, allowing the liquid to enter your mouth.

"Swallow it."

And you did. It actually wasn't as bad as you expected it to be. 

"See, how was that?"

"Not bad." You actually really enjoyed the taste.

The rest of your night consisted of questions and answers, jokes, serious debates on religion, politics and what the hell was going on within the black community, internally and externally. You had downed three glasses of the Rosé without noticing. 

"So, would you date a white girl?" You asked him.

He didn't even spare a second to think, "Nah."

"Why not? Don't black men love them?"

"I mean, they aight. But I need someone who I can really connect with. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. No white girl can truly understand the struggle, I need me a lady to not only sympathize when I'm crying for one of my brothers murdered unjustly, but to feel exactly what I'm feeling."

"I say that too. Relating is super important in a relationship. There's no way I can be silent just because you don't want to hear about the things we deal with. I use to be friends with this white girl, back in 2016 when police brutality was at a high. She did not have a single care when I was speaking about it, she would find excuses for the police... She really tried to justify their actions. I was appalled."

Erik shook his head, "Damn. But that's to be expected. If it ain't affecting them, why should they give a fuck?" He rhetorically asked.

"I would then ask God, why. Why us? Why black people? Why do we carry the burden and the struggle."

Erik leaned in, intrigued by your question. "Did you find the answer?"

"It's all in the bible. A lot of people miss it, a lot. My father included and it's so sad."

Erik had already asked God the same question. He knew the answer.

"It's all right there, the verses, the scriptures. Everything. You should check out Romans 10:19."

Erik had already started siting the verse, "I will make you envious by those who are not a nation; I will make you angry by a nation that has no understanding." He shook his head, "When you know your true identity, you become unstoppable."

You stared at him in shock, "You know?"

"We're a lot alike, (y/n). Trust me, I've asked that question countless times." His grip on the neck of the glass was tight, "Not necessarily as a whole, but 'why me?' Why do I have to be the stereotype, why do I have to be the black parentless, foster-care kid, why couldn't I grow up like a normal child. Two parents, maybe some siblings. Hell, a dog too."

"What do you mean?"

"I lost both my parents at a young age, barely knew my mom. My dad was murdered by his own people..." You tried to look into his eyes, but they seemed so distant as he continued to explain the story.

"I'm so sorry, Erik."

"Nah, it's all good now. My life was shit, but like you sang back at church, that Kirk Franklin song."

"Looking for you?"

"Yeah, the beginning part."

"I'm glad my singing got to you." You smiled at him. You're not sure when it happened, but your hand had found his and your thumb rubbed over his knuckles. He lifted your hand up and pressed it against his lips.

"How you get drunk off of Rosé?" He shook his head with a judgemental look on his face.

"I'm not." You weren't totally drunk, just a bit.

The drive to his place was rather quick, you were already making it into his gated home. It was a little hard to make out what the place looked like in the dark, it was almost as if he made it incognito. Not a single light was on. As he unlocked the high tech door, a wave of cold air slapped your bare arms making you shiver. 

"Why does it feel like Antartica in here?" 

"It's just how I like it." He closed the door and put the lock back on.

"No way." You held your arms as you shivered, but he placed his very hot blazer over your shoulders. Okay, so now you understood why he kept his place so cold. The man generated heat like an oven. You were instantly warmed up.

"Lights on, main floor." He spoke to no one in particular, or so you thought until a robotic female voice recited his command and lights began turning on. 

"Whoa, is this one of those smart homes?"

"Kinda. It just got vibranium and Wakandan technology."

"Seriously?" 

"I did tell you the King is my cousin." He began walking into another room.

"Hold up!" You caught up to him. 

You were now in his kitchen that connected to his living room. His style was very modern and sleek. It was so clean that not a single spot of dust was visible to the naked eye. He had many African artworks and artifacts around the room and a gigantic map of the world with little red pushpins located in different spots. 

"Hey Erik?"

"Hmm?" He was taking a shot of something with a golden brown colour.

"What's up with this map?"

He swallowed the liquid and made his way over to you. "It's for every place I been."

"Cuz you were in the military right?"

"Yup."

Then the thought came to your head, "Hey, Erik?"

"Wassup?"

"Have you ever um..." Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, "Actually, never mind."

"Aight." 

You sat down on his large sectional sofa and released your curls from your hair tie. It felt just as good as taking off your bra, but of course you couldn't do that at the moment. Then another thought came to you, but Erik had already seated himself beside you with a bottle of Hennessy in his hands, placing it down on the glass table. 

"More alcohol?" You've heard about Hennessy before, but you knew nothing about it.

"Yeah." He simply stated and turned on the TV.

"Can I get some?"

He looked at you funny, "Of what? That?" He pointed to the bottle.

"Yes."

"So you a drinker now?"

"It won't kill me." You restated what he said.

"Aight, look for a movie." He got up from the couch and went back into his kitchen to get you a glass.

You scrolled through the vast selection, you weren't sure what to watch. Anything but horror, you didn't want to invite anymore demons into the world. He came back before you could find anything.

"Just pick one." He said while filling your glass.

"There's too many to choose from. Why don't you do it?"

"Cuz, you're the guest and you won't like what I pick."

"How do you know what I like and don't like?"

"I got a pretty good understanding, ma. Now choose one."

You sighed and settled for one that looked decent, appropriate too.  You took a sip of the drink, your face scowling at the taste. "Oh my- You like this?"

"Mhm." He responded while taking a few more shots. You sucked it up and drank the rest, you didn't want to waste his booze anyway. 

By the thirty minute mark of the movie, your head found its way onto Erik's lap. The drink had sucker punched you, but you tried play it off. Erik was still unfazed, barely watching the movie. His attention was mainly on his phone.

A new sensation sparked your lower half, something you've briefly felt before, but suppressed it knowing exactly what it was. This time though, it came in all at once with a full force. It was an itch that needed to go away.  

You've heard about alcohol being an aphrodisiac before... Uh oh.

You compressed your thighs together relieving it for a few seconds, but it felt as though it intensified and Erik noticed you shifting. 

"You good?" He asked. His voice was so soft and enticing, calling you forward. You raised your head out of his lap and straddled him. "Whoa..."

"Erik..." Your voice came out very relaxed.

"Aye, you go-"

Your lips found their way onto his, stunning both of you in the process. You were kissing him so deeply without the intent of letting go. It was a sloppy kiss, truthfully, as you've never kissed another man before.

You had him on his back as you began undressing yourself down to only your matching pair of bra and panties.

"Baby girl, whatchu doing?"

"I'm tired of being the good girl, Erik. It's so boring." You whined to him.

Erik felt his dick twitch at the lust in your voice and eyes, he could feel his old self coming back quickly. He should've known better than to be drinking, but it was a rough week. 

You leaned in and met him with another kiss, this time he was the dominant one. You helped him out of his button up, your hands now coming in contact with the bumps that you felt back at church. Had you not been so wasted, you would've reacted, but that was the last thing on your mind. 

He was out of his pants before you knew it, and you were on your back. He kissed down your neck, making sure to leave love bites on you. He trailed all the way to your stomach, right down to the band of your blue lace panties. His fingers slid under the band yanking them further down till they were off completely. 

"Damn, ma." He ran his finger up and down your wet folds before inserting it.

"Uhh." You moaned at the intrusion. 

His tongue soon found it's way onto your clit as well. You moaned and thrashed as he continued to assault your womanhood. He made sure to hold you down as he ate you out. He was an expert, despite this being your first time, you could tell he was really skilled. He lifted your leg over his shoulder and stuck another finger into you. You hands found their way into his dreads and you gripped tightly, he hissed at your action.

"Ohhhh." You moaned aloud.

"You like this, mama?" 

"Nngh, yes!" 

The feeling in your core intensified until you could no longer hold it and you released without warning, a plethora of moans falling from your lips.

"Damn baby, you ain't warn me."

"Mmh, I'm sorry."

"Nah," He sat up. "Sorry ain't gonna cut it." 

He pulled off his boxers and climbed over top of your shaking frame. He took the tip of the penis and rubbed it along the outside of you, coating it in your wetness. You shivered at his touch.

He had one hand by your ear and the other on his member, guiding it into you. The stretch was unbelievable, your hands gripped his arms tightly. 

"Fuck, this pussy so tight." 

"Oh, unnghh."

"That's it, just a little more." He continued to slide into you, and you tried your best to ignore any pain you were feeling, but that was almost impossible. His gold chain that you hadn't noticed before dangled over your head, it had a ring attached to it.

He thrusted into you, not checking if you were alright. All you could feel was pain and little spurts of pleasure here and there.

"Mmh, oh. I-it's too much!" You groaned.

"I know you can take it, come on girl." 

He was definitely curing your itch, but that same feeling was welling into your core once again. You placed your hand on the lower half of his abdomen and begged for him not to go any deeper.

"Mhh-mmh. That's it, that's it." You continuously chanted as he continued thrusting. 

He pulled out and had you go on all fours, you were a shaking mess. He dived right back into you pumping at a steady pace. 

You cried out his name. "Erik, ohhhh fffff-" It was so overstimulating that you almost cursed. 

"Was that a bad word?" He spanked your ass.

"Ah! Noooo." You sighed.

"Come on, say it. I dare you."

"Mmh-mmh." You shook your head slightly.

He picked up the pace and your moans turned into screams as he brushed your cervix. Your toes curled tightly.

"Ahhhh, s-slow d-down unnghhh!" You could swear you were seeing stars as he hammered you into the sofa. 

"Ahhh shit." He sped up even faster. Your high was at it's peak now.

"Fuck!" You screamed out, not even realizing it, but a string of curse words followed. You couldn't stop yourself as you released onto his cock with a scream.

He pulled out and released onto your back as you collapse, blanked out without a care in the world.

The next morning, you felt something warm and wet on your shoulder.

"Minnie, stop. That tickles." You pushed the culprit away, but your hand retracted as soon as you felt human skin and kinky hair. You shot up and stared down at him. Regret instantly clouded your heart, and nausea filled your stomach. 

It wasn't a sinful dream... You had lost your virginity so a man you had barely known. Something you promised to keep to yourself until marriage.

"Get away from me." You pushed him away as tears streamed down your face. You scooted back so far and almost fell off of his king sized bed in the process.

"(Y/n), it's just me." 

"N-no, oh my gosh. Please tell me I was dreaming?" You held your head in your palms. You knew it was real, seeing that you were wearing one of his shirts, your curls were a hot mess, and you woke up in his bed. Not to mention the ache in between your legs.

"You good, ma?" 

"No, Erik! I'm not 'good'! I'm terrible." 

"Did I go too hard?" He asked without shame.

"That's not the issue, Erik! We had sex, right?"

"Yeah, it was great."

You sighed, collapsing your head into your lap. "I'm a sinner. I can't- I-"

"What's that suppose to mean?"

Your tears rolled off your cheeks landing onto the bed sheets, "You took my virginity, Erik."

"Oh shit..."

"I was saving it. Sex before marriage... Why would I do that? Ugh!"

" We were both drunk. It's not that serious, (y/n)." 

"Of course it is!" You snapped at him. "We barely even know each other... This is my first time seeing you outside of church."

He was silent as he watched your tears of regret fall.

"I gave in to one of the cardinal sins... God must be so disgusted with me." You sighed, "Hebrews 13:4, Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

"Hold up, you talking about lust, right?" He finally spoke up.

"Yeah." You answered with a sniffle. 

"Ain't you the one who told me about forgiveness. Redemption. All that shit." 

You looked at him a little puzzled.

"You really think you a bad person for fucking?" He took off his shirt, "You know what these bumps are? They each represent a kill."

Your eyes widened as your hand covered your mouth.

"Thou shalt not kill, one of the Ten Commandments. I disobeyed that one, each scar on my body reminding me. You know what's the sad thing about it, I don't regret any of them. I did what I had to do, that's the path I chose." He scoffed, "You worried about sex, I got blood on my hands, baby. Shit, I don't even know if I can be saved."

You had to register a lot, it was all so overwhelming. You had given in to temptation and had sex with a man you only knew so much about, not to mention he's a killer... But then it hit you.

"W-wait... Don't tell me that you're K-Killmoger..."

"Surprise." He said unenthusiastically, his eyes had glossed over at some point, but you missed it. 

It felt as if the weight of the world came crashing down on your shoulders. You weren't sure if you should run away, leave or stay. 

Surprisingly, you found yourself cradling his head in your lap. You both remained silent and let the moment register.

"John 1:9, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." He said while your fingers ran against his scalp.

You decided not to sing this Sunday, as it would feel hypocritical to be teaching these people what it means to be a good Christian through songs. Throughout the service, you hadn't seen Erik. He was kind enough to drop you back at your place the night before, but he took off in a hurry.

"(Y/n), you're not praying for anyone today?" Your father asked as he waved a few sisters goodbye.

"Actually, I needed a prayer for myself. And also with Erik in mind."

"Sure, what about?"

"Forgiveness of sin and restoration."

The look he gave you was quizzical, "Alright."

As your father prayed, Erik watched from a distance. He could feel your father's words in his heart without actually hearing anything. He knew that he was no good for you. You were just a church girl doing the right thing, while he was still trying to figure it out.

He was your temptation and you were his.

Okay, so this has been my longest one-shot with 9000+. I hope you enjoyed!

(Start/Finish: November 7-8, 2018)

[thebraingremlinsaremad]

Daily Blog #15: August 22, 2021

Dollar Tree is honestly pretty fucking awesome 👌👌👌

I set my alarm for like 6:25 this morning, but it took 6 minutes for the "Horsin' Around" theme song instrumental to wake me up. I was pretty tired lol. I just dismissed it and went back to sleep.

I only went back to sleep because I knew I had another alarm set for 7:00. That got me up.

I should mention that this was still in the RV over an hour away from the house.

After I got up, I went to go get a shower, and did so successfully.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my brush this time and had to do it afterwards after my hair had a bit of time to dry, which did make it a little more difficult lol.

I got dressed and grabbed my stuff, putting it into my car.

I made it a point to see and say "see you later" to my grandparents before I left for the flea market.

My dad insisted that I stayed to say goodbye to my mom, so I left.

I did NOT have cell service up there, as was mentioned in my previous 2 blogs of which I could only post today, so finding my way was a tiny bit difficult until I got some service to ask Google to take me to "...".

It worked and I got there.

On my drive, I listened to 1 by Simple Kid, a CD I had previously purchased at a Dollar Tree location.

I got a call from the guy at the flea market saying that I had some people there waiting for me. He asked how far away I was, to which I said "about 10 minutes." Ironically, that call made me miss my exit, as Google couldn't talk during the call, and added about 3 minutes to my arrival time lmao.

I did sell the Xbox that he said someone was interested in. I got $40 for it. I spent 27¢ on it. Pretty good return if you ask me.

I couldn't sell it with anything other than a power cord because the controller and AV cables I had been using to play it there were for my personal console. I'm just glad I can actually hook my Xbox up and stop having to drag them to the flea market along with a small library of games.

Not too long after I sold the Xbox, someone came in and asked if I wanted to see some electronics he had in his car. I went out with him. It was a pair of 3ft speakers and a Pioneer audio system with dual cassette decks (although neither of them works) and a 25 Disc CD-changer, as well as the standard AM/FM tuner. Additionally, there was a Fisher amplifier and AM/FM tuner as well as a Fisher Direct Drive turntable. He said he wanted $60 for em, but before that he casually, and probably accidentally, dropped that he was just gonna take em to the thrift store.

Big mistake.

I got em for $35 lmao. THERE GOES MOST OF MY PROFIT.

Oh well.

I tested everything. As I mentioned, the cassette decks don't work, but everything else does apart from the turntable needing a new stylus.

I posted some new photos of the shop to Facebook, and someone soon DMed me about a stereo system.

I priced everything, and it turns out I have about $300 worth of equipment from that deal, the Fisher amp and tuner being worth about $150.

The buyer will hopefully show up next weekend, for he wants to buy the Fisher stuff ($185 with the turntable), the 3ft speakers, an 8-track deck, and a Kenwood deck we've had for a week or two.

The speakers are listed for $50 (and are worth around $100-150), the Kenwood Deck for $50 as well, and the 8-track for $35. That makes it about $320 in equipment. Since he's buying so much, I'll knock it down to $270 and essentially give him the speakers or cassette deck for free lol.

Apart from that stuff, not much happened at the flea market. I sold some records, cassettes, CDs and I think 2 DVDs. One person bought a VHS tape? That money was the other guy's though. Oh well xD.

I can't say that I didn't miss my wonderful partner while on the trip. I actually brought along the stuffed animal they gave me (who's name is Greg) and snuggled with him both nights.

I was very happy to hear from them UwU.

They let me rant and I let them rant.

I honestly give them too much responsibility over me xD. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna do this. HOLD ME TO IT."

I know I can't hold myself to anything I personally say (this blog being the only exception apparently), but I listen to them pretty well I think 🤔. If they tell me, "No, you don't need that VCR," so long as it's not some weird specialty thing, like a worldwide VCR 🥵, I'll be like "Yeah, you rite bro."

I love you man xD. You control my craziness pretty well. I'm so thankful for you UwU.

#relationshipgoals

So part way through the flea market day, I went over to Dollar Tree to buy some snack, but ended up looking through the CDs to see if there was anything good. I took photos of about 18 CDs and flipped through them online for the remainder of the flea market day.

I deleted the photos of the ones I didn't want and kept those that I liked. Surprisingly, I ended up buying 13 CDs there, but not before dropping them on the floor like the dumbass I am.

Also, sorry for all the nerd shit I spilled on your lap earlier. No one cares about amps and tuners xD.

I'M LISTENING TO ONE OF THE DOLLAR TREE CDS RIGHT NOW THO.

I already transferred over to my online library on iBroadcast and put the disc into my CD changer, which is now holding 164 CDs.

Its max capacity is 300 discs 🥵

WHY AM I NERD

Oh well

I like being a nerd gurl

Also maybe a technosexual 👀

I get really excited over some electronics. Like. REALLY excited.

Some editing VCRs are like "Holy shit that is SEXY. Look at those goddamn VU meters 🥵. And hhhh there are like 7 inputs on this thing and individual controls for left and right audio gain, not to mention Hi-Fi S-VHS recording. Hhhhhhhhhhh please gimme 😭. Why are you so expensive?"

I uh, mean, uh, *cough* look, pretty lights.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say the album I was listening to xD. MAN I GOT SIDETRACKED.

It's 37 Everywhere by Punchline. Def give it a listen; it's pretty heccin good.

Another notable album I picked up was Page One by Steven Page. I very much like the first track, "A New Shore." It's quite catchy and he has a great voice imo.

Also at dollar tree, I bought a regular bag of Fieras and 2 bags of Fieras Sticks, which were marked down to 75¢/bag because they're expiring soon.

I honestly like the generic Dollar Tree version of Takis more than actual Takis. They're a lot more flavorful when it comes to the lime, but also hotter at the same time.

Don't get the hot nacho ones tho. Hot nacho? More like hot pile of shit.

HAH

Goteem.

They're not that good xD.

THE REGULAR ONES ARE FIRE THO

"How do you do fellow kids?"

I got home and started working on putting the CDs onto my computer, and then onto iBroadcast, but not without first adding The Music Man to my digital library, something I had neglected for a month or two. The CD had just been sitting there lol.

I also switched my digital file for "The Black Parade" to that of the uncensored CD, which I had purchased before I event started working over 2 months ago.

MAN I'M LAZY

I eventually get around to shit tho lol. I guess it's just a matter of priority.

What usually takes priority is digging through everything to find something that I forgot about but then remembered, making a mess in the process that I would then have to clean up, at least partially.

I think the album just ended. I've been writing for a while xD. I'ma start "I Made You Something" by The Island of the Misfit Toys.

I'll tell you where that album came from in a minute.

In the meantime, where was I?

I kinda lost my train of thought despite reading up to see where I was. Oh well. On I go.

I ate dinner and kept working on those CDs, eventually putting my clothes from the week into the washer.

I FORGOT TO PUT MY SHAPING UNDERWEAR IN. FUCKING HELL MAN.

I wanted to wash em for this week 😭

No tight pants for Leonna I guess qwq.

Meanwhile, the box of my CD album cases is overflowing. I need another box.

I keep all of the album artworks in a big CD folder. That's almost full.

I wanna fill my entire CD changer. That's one of my big goals in life. Idk why, but I just wanna legitimately fill the entire thing.

My clothes are in the dryer now. I don't think I have the time (or energy) to fold them tonight. I'll leave that for tomorrow morning before work.

And God. Fucking. Damnit. I start school again on Wednesday. NOT looking forward to that, and neither are my 2 coworkers. We already have low enough staff, but only the two of them working is gonna be a pain in the ass.

I'll still work Saturdays.

I need to contact my guidance counselor to get out of the gym class I signed up for. I scheduled this shit before I found out I was trans, and I don't wanna deal with the fucking locker room situation 🙄 I have far more important matters.

Okay so anyway, the album I'm listening to came from a cassette. I bought this cassette a few months ago at the flea market along with a few others. The reason I bought them? They were all newer cassette releases from the 2010's, and they're all actually pretty good music from very indie bands.

Currently getting mad at iBroadcast's compression algorithm. It's unnaturally fucking anything over -10db up. Oh well, there's not really anything I can do about it.

I have like 13GB of music on my phone btw. That's about 3.5k songs on 268 albums.

I'm kind of an audiophile, but I'm too cheap to pay for a lossless service. Oh well.

They do actually have a lossless service on iBroadcast, but once again, too cheap.

Someone just sent me a friend request who legitimately posted that BLM and the democratic party are hate groups.

BLOCK.

Goodbye ho.

I don't get that. They call the democratic party a hate group when they hate people like me, and I, being more of a democrat although not fully because the 2-party system is fucked, think nothing more of them than they're very wrong about certain things, especially, as shown, that black people, as well as asian, Indian, native, and people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, are not equal to white people.

Yeh.

Totally.

You go buddy.

Anyway, yeah, I can, and do, convert music and video from analog formats to digital files in order for me to archive and listen to whenever and wherever I please. I've actually made a bit of a business out of it, but I don't get too much work from it. At least I'm not overloading myself xD.

I honestly have so much more to say, but I should probably go to sleep soon.

A few final shoutouts to the following people and companies:

-Dollar Tree

-Steven Page

-Broken World Media

-The Island of Misfit Toys

-Simple Kid

-Punchline

-My incredible partner QwQ I love you so much. Thanks for being the best all the time. I hope I can give you the best life ever.

Anyway I suppose this is goodnight. Lmk if you want a full list of the CDs I bought today! I'll link that song by Steven Page here.

And here's a good song from Simple Kid

I really like music lol. Enjoy these pieces.

Anyway, goodnight lol.

Lots of love,

-Leonna.

[carolinesbookworld]

tagged by @kabeswaters and @swellwriting <3

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 0

describe yourself in a hashtag? very similar to @fortisfiliae #stressedanddepressed

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? Harrison Osterfield

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? prepare for disaster

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? um...idk my boyfriend knows basically everything about me sooooooo

what’s your wake up ritual? wake up, turn off alarm (bc with this at-home learning stuff i’ve been waking up like literally 1 min before my alarm goes off???), text good morning to my bf, snapchat, discord bc moonlit fam talks allll night, tumblr, get out of bed, wash face, get dressed, coffee and breakfast it’s very specific

what’s your go to bed ritual? wash glasses and face bc my skin is soo oily by the end of the day so you best believe my glasses be needing washing everyday, shower, say goodnight to fam, text bf for like 15 mins or until he says goodnight, turn alarm on, plug in phone, go to sleep

what’s your favorite time of day? morning but specifically from 7:30 until 9  

your go to for having a good laugh? FRIENDS as in the show

dream country to visit? Australia bc my dad once got to hold a baby koala there and i wanna do that so bad

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? so my family moved before my sophomore year so me and my bff started trying to surprise each other whenever one of us came to visit and the weekend of my birthday, she skypes me as she’s walking around what i thought was her house and then i start hearing an echo and next thing i know she’s standing in the doorway of my room and that was pretty much the best surprise ever

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers converse

vintage or new? new but i love vintage aesthetic i just couldn’t live with it

who do you want to write your obituary? karli @swellwriting bc she is my brain twin and i would be mocking her horrible grammar and spelling from my grave and we would both get a good laugh about it in the afterlife

style icon? the mom i babysit for haha she’s like one of my best friends tho which sounds really weird but it’s true

what are three things you cannot live without? books, dogs, days that are exactly 65 degrees

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? um idk chocolate??

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? Sarah J. Maas, Eddie Redmayne, my boyfriend bc i haven’t had dinner with him for 47 days

what’s your biggest fear in life? losing the people i love...and spiders

window or aisle seat? window bc aisle makes me anxious that i’m in people’s way

what’s your current tv obsession? the cw’s nancy drew it’s so good please go watch it

favorite app? instagram, discord, or tumblr, depends on my mood

secret talent? um idk i can draw very realistic portraits of people when i take the time to

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? okay so technically this wasn’t me who did it but i was part of the adventure. when me and my boyfriend were just “friends” ie. liked each other and knew we liked each other but were too scared to admit it. anyway, we had this elaborate plan to shave our youth group leader’s head if we were able to bring in a certain amount of food for the food drive during vbs week. so yeah we spent like three days planning the whole thing out and then decided to go price shopping at walmart with all of our younger siblings bc we needed supervision or something lol to see how many individual things of food we could buy with $20 each we ended up just getting like 20 huge boxes of ramen and then his sister ended up throwing up so we took her home and then went back to church where my car was parked but instead of turning to get to church my boyfriend decides to go straight through the stop light (it was green okay) and spontaneously drive up into the foothills. well we get to the top of the foothills and we’re at the lake and we all get out to look at the city and my boyfriend claims that we need to document this moment so he takes a selfie with all of us and we somehow ended up right next to each other in it and i only found this out like three months ago (this happened back in june) that he only took the picture because he wanted one of us together in case we didn’t start dating lol so sweet and yeah, that was a very long story but i needed context instead of just saying “yeah we drove up a mountain”

how would you define yourself in three words? loyal, anxious, passionate

favorite piece of clothing you own? this dark coral dress that makes my eyes and hair look really pretty

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a hoodie

a superpower you would want? i want to be able to project my thoughts into someone else’s mind bc i’m so bad at explaining stuff sometimes especially when it comes to how i feel

what’s inspiring you in life right now? ACOTAR series by Sarah J. Maas, highly recommend

best piece of advice you’ve received? opening up to more than one person is important because if you lose that person then you’ve lost all your support

best advice you’d give your teenage self? the friends who have stuck around this long are the ones you want to hang onto and the ones that you need are the ones you don’t always see

a book everyone should read? The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

what would you like to be remembered for? being a crazy dog mama

how do you define beauty? confidence in yourself and not caring what others think about you

what do you love most about your body? my metabolism

best way to take a rest/decompress? open a window to feel the breeze and listen to Islands by Hey Ocean! which is so calming to me

favorite place to view art? nature or tumblr

if your life was a song, what would the title be? we’re going with a fob/p!atd theme here and calling it “depression screwed me over so i screwed it back and ended up worse off”

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? probably on my forearm or by my left hip

dolphins or koalas? koalas did i mention that i want to hold a baby koala

what’s an animal that represents you? great dane puppy ie. very excitable but will also take a four hour nap when tired

best gift you’ve ever received? my best friend made this photo collage for me when i moved that is hanging in my room and it has a bunch of pictures of me and her over the years and i just love it

best gift you’ve given? for christmas i gave my boyfriend a hammock and the bookshelf addition of clue, two things he had no idea i would remember him mentioning and his face was priceless. also i made my mom a cake for her birthday this year and she was so happy and said it made her feel very special <3

what’s your favorite board game? clue or ticket to ride (specifically nordic countries)

what’s your favorite color? currently a pale turquoise

least favorite color? any shade of light brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore bc i don’t wear makeup enough to validate buying designer, also i don’t really care

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee cof-

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? palindrome is wild because it means a word spelled the same way forwards and backwards but it itself is not one such word

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? summer but like, only june

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? panera mac n cheese

a dessert you don’t like? red velvet cake which btw is not red-colored chocolate cake as many would have you believe

a skill you’re working on mastering? writing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to put all of my new plants in my windowsill and i named one of them (its name is albert in case you were wondering)

worst thing to happen to you today? idk today’s been pretty good as far as quarantine goes

best compliment you’ve ever received? my boyfriend calls me beautiful all the time and he always reminds me that that is describing looks and personality

favorite smell? coffee or my boyfriend’s sweatshirt for the week after i steal it

hugs or kisses? can i choose both?? depends on my mood mostly but i guess hugs if i just had to pick one

if you made a documentary, would it be about? literally anything relating to the mcu

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? a court of wings and ruin by sjm

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? literally any female in the teen wolf cast

how do you know you’re in love? hahahaha haha what's love

a song you can listen to on repeat? we fall apart by we as human or uma thurman by fob

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? idk my boyfriend probably, this is something we have discussed in depth

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? for life to go back to normal

tagging @finnofamerica @woakiees @beskarjedi @outerlacy @swanimagines hahahahaha have funnnnn this took me an hour to answer

[marvelousaddiction]

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. 

I was tagged by @pheonyxstorm

LAST: 

Drink: Last thing I drank was a coke, last alcoholic beverage was Gentlemen’s Jack (but I may have regular Jack tonight)

(btw Tay, try Irish Trashcan, optional but add strawberry sour straw candy)

 Phone Call: My momma lol 

Text Message: @ceobryce

Song you listened to:  Rammstein - Feuer Frei! (and Victorious a Breezy original)

Time I Cried: two tears in the shower, I missed the breakdown this time and I took care of myself so yeah...

HAVE YOU EVER: 

Dated someone twice: nope

Been cheated on: twice 

Kissed Someone and regretted it: yep, four people.....well....yeah four

Lost someone special: yep, some of them died, and one of them is still alive but I wish her the best still

been drunk and thrown up: yes, twice, but only a little bit each time  and I’ve never really had a hangover, only maybe a mild headache when I wake up, I barely notice it 

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: I’d like to say so 

Fallen Out of Love: no

Laughed Until You Cried: all the time like (almost) errday

Met Someone Who Changed You: no, not really, but people I have always had I’ve come to some realizations about leading to changes in myself, example, I drink sometimes now

Found Out Who your true friends are: mhm, I always constantly play it safe in this department because of my past

Found out someone was talking about me: honey, listen, people been talking about you since you came into this world and they gon’ talk about you after you out of it. (at least you're on their mind) 

GENERAL:

How many people in Tumblr do you know in real life?: @ceobryce @wolfsilverlight @leftzombiepenguin @brayamac @violet-soulkeeper17 @talonvictor @oneshoeshort (and Megan, I have to find her name and edit this lol)

Do you have any pets?: Yep. Dusty Leroy (my last name), Simba Sophia (my last name), Angel Clemingtine (my last name), Bobby Lee (my last name) and Loli (Lolli) Pop (my last name) 

Do you want to change your name? : First name,no, it made Papa proud I was named after him, Middle name, yes until this past june because I was the only kid of my dad’s kids (and grandkids) without the middle name Marie but in June something happened that changed my mind so I thanked my mom for naming me Irene. Last name, eventually lol, yknow marriage and shiz

What time did you wake up this morning: 6:00

What were you doing last night: laying in bed, talking to @browneyedhunter and ignoring what was going on outside my bedroom or trying with all my might and failing 

Name something you cannot wait for: Just one thing, other than actually starting my life (long ass story), tonight (giggidy), the black panther movie and april fools day to take a day trip to Raleigh and see Kevin Hart (if life allows) and down the line a little bit, to be a mom 

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: not to my recollection, but yes in my dreams, Tom Hiddleston is a amazing man 

What’s getting on your nerves right now: nothing really at this moment, i guess being a female has terrible timing 

Blood type: blood? red? 

Nickname: Nerd, Short Person, BabyGirl, Jess, Jessie, Jessie Jess, Angel, there are so many 

Relationship Status: Happy 

Zodiac Sign: Cancer (June 25)

Pronouns: She, her, I am a cis girl lol but I will proudly respond to Dude, Bro, Bruh, Broski

Favorite Show: Obviously Supernatural is number 1, top 3 are Supernatural, Sherlock, and probably Penny Dreadful (but I have many favorites)

College: Not yet, I took a placement test and such but I am trying to get things straight first. Fingers crossed, within the next year or so I can start. I took some CP/ college class in high-school, there was one, Physcology, where  the professor actually came and taught us and I did well in that also I think I made like a high Cor a B but with the history class they gave us a book, popped us in front of computers. I tried, I really did, but I also did something there that I never did in school before, I tried and couldn’t learn anything (that is when the computers actually worked) and it was just boring so I got fed up basically said fuck this shit and failed on purpose. My education currently is K4-graduating from high school with a diploma. I actually love learning so please don’t misunderstand, I hated school, but I still tried my best and did pretty well and never flunked a grade level or anything, I was also that person everyone hated for reminding teachers of homework when they forgot it because I was the one that, not exaggerating, had mental breakdowns doing it. In highschool there is/was a notorious teacher that everyone hated, literally, someone keyed his truck, but, he saw how hard I worked and such and he actually became like my best friend and I may have been a teacher’s pet but he and my other math teacher my senior year were my best friends. Okay long unnecessary rambling sorry 

Hair Color: brunette, naturally, will eventually be black I know for certain. However, I colored it black once years ago, and in highschool I bleached my bangs so they were blonde, about two years ago but longer I put blue where the blonde was and that faded to teal, then i put red streaks throughout my hair when that was gone. Its been natural for a long time 

Do you have a crush on someone: yes. celebrities, obviously, but there is one man on campus i sware i cant take my eyes off of lol. My babe,marie, and I have a whole private joke thing about it. He is known as Superman, you had to be there

What do you like about yourself: this one is really hard, honestly. It varies but I guess....I mean, my sweatshirt I am wearing now? that count? Oh! I can drink and not become my big sister, despite having to convince myself of that. It is complicated and my eyes too lol 

FIRSTS:

First Surgery: it was getting my tonsils taken out when i was like maybe 5 or 6

First Piercing: ears, although i was never really able to wear earrings because of a reaction but they are closed now. I’m really thinking about getting my belly button pierced

First Sport You joined: there was the time when I was little and wrestling my dad, but that career ended when I kicked his nose/mouth and they swole, and the time I played football as a baby at my moms old family church but I bit my evil cousin? do those count?

First vacation: I don’t know if I ever had a vacation but I know my first time leaving home for a trip we went to Virginia, then Pittsburgh PA, then Niagra Falls NY

First Pair of Sneakers: I am willing to bet were hand me downs or from dollar general or a thrift store

Right Now: 

Eating: Nothing at this second

Drinking: Nothing at this second but later Jack & Coke/soda  and going to taste green apple Crown Royal with sprite,supposedly tastes like Jolly ranchers 

I’m about to: respond to @browneyedhunter, shes been waiting while I typed all of this and hopefully tonight......uh giggidy 

Listening to: keys typing and Jimmy’s snoring behind me 

Want Kids: in the future, someday, yes, very much 

Get Married: maybe, I’ll see if life let’s me but people say Jimmy and I are married. By people I mean my 62 yr old parents and his grandad, and his mom 

Career: I really want one someday, but, we have talked, and we would both be alright with being a SAHM too. Right now, I don’t feel like I am doing my part despite what everyone says; but as long as I feel like I am doing that, I am good

SO TIREED!!! SHOULDERS HUUURURRTT 

Lips or Eyes: who’s?

Hugs or kisses: again, who are we talking about?

Shorter or tall: I am shorter than everyone, @emoryhemsworth knows what I mean since we are both 4′9

Older or Younger: I have a thing for older guys

Romantic or Spontaneous: both

Sensitive or loud: those things don’t always necessarily correlate 

Hookup or Relationship: Relationship. Unless it is another girl’ then I couldn’t do a relationship unless it was Poly

Troublemaker or Hesitant: hesitant af 

Have You Ever:  

Kissed a stranger: no, that is how disease happens. Unless...I guess Jimmy was technically a stranger when I met him and we kissed 

Drank hard liquor: the hardest thing I have found I actually like is whiskey or Irish Trashcan 

Lost Contacts/ glasses: nope

Sex on first date: believe it or not i have only ever done it with one person

Broken someone’s heart: I think I broke Faith’s heart when I told her true things about disney,childhood movies, fairytales etc 

Been arrested: no, my parents have though XD

turned someone down: nope

Fallen for a friend: Yup, wish her well but she co go screw herself or that sweet soulles-

DO YOU BELIEVE: 

In yourself: most of the time, no

Miracles: yes, because of I have lived through some, many of them 

Love at First sight: i guess 

Ive tagged people lol, I am done 

[telltheworld-phff]

Chapter 7: Turning the tide

What Carol didn't know is that Harry was expecting something to leak. Every morning he would wake up expecting to see a missed call from Edward or his grandmother with the new tabloid's headline. He was expecting a history about how he had dinner with a co-worker in Brazil or details about his night in a Brazilian night club. He could almost see all the made up things the press would publish, but although he wouldn't admit it he was expecting that things he had told her to make the headlines. If they ever made the headlines, it'd disappoint him in so many levels. Even though he knew they all had signed NDA's, he knew that sometimes it wasn't enough for someone not to sell him. He waited the ball to drop every single day after he left São Paulo, but since after he was back in London, not a single word about the time he spent with her hit the news.

And he was grateful for that. Grateful for having trusted her with small bits of information. Some of them were true and others were not, something that he hated doing to anyone he met, but that was necessary for him to know if he could trust the person or not. Four weeks have passed since he left São Paulo, and specially that morning, he'd have to talk to her again. He was surprisingly excited. He kind of missed their banter. And Edward needed some more explanation in one of the reports she made. Harry had wanted to talk to her since he left, but he couldn't find a good reason to. And this morning he took advantage of the British punctuality to time the best hour to speak. Harry made sure to ask for Carol's report when Edward was busy and with packed work. He played an act of "I need it now", and Edward just asked him to wait a little bit before he would look for Carolina's number and call her. If it was any other day, Harry would just come back to his office and wait for the paper, but now he wanted an excuse to talk to her. "I'm going to call her myself, Ed.", Harry said already looking through the files where she added personal information in. He got her phone number and with a mischievous smile he went back to his office. He sat a his chair with her number in his hands and wondered a little bit if it was the right thing. If he was completely honest, the report was already very good and it was ready to be signed and archived. Harry had spent the last three days looking for faults in it, and it was so damn hard to find. But he found some information that hadn't made the cut (because they weren't needed in the report) and started asking Edward to change it or have someone to do it. He grabbed his work phone and added her number. It took him a couple more minutes before he texted her. H: Hey Carol. What's up? He didn't want to check on his phone every five minutes, so he set it aside and found something to work with. He started sorting his emails and trying to not think about it. He even scolded himself for being so nervous about talking to her again. She was a colleague. She's Carol. Only Carol. And he had a girlfriend. 45 minutes later an answer made his phone buzz. C: Who's it? Her phone buzzed beside her and woke her up. Who was texting her at 6:00 am? She could sleep at least 40 more minutes before she had to get ready for school and someone was daring to text her at that time of the morning. She cursed a bit before grabbing her phone to discover who was about to hear a very pissed Carolina complaining about messages at that ungodly hour of the day. She thought she was still sleeping when she saw way too many numbers in the screen. There was a message from an unknown number, from London (which she discovered after a quick Google research). She wasn't going to answer it. She didn't know anyone that lived in London anyway. She got up and went to the bathroom to have a shower. After she finished, and she was more awake now, it hit her: It might be Harry. But she then laughed at herself. Why would Prince Harry be texting her? She was going crazy. Prince Harry wouldn't waste his time texting her. But the message did say "Carol", so it wasn't just a coincidence, was it? Her curiosity got the best of her and she answered it while she was fixing her some breakfast. The answer came faster than she thought. H: Forgotten me already, have you? ;) It was him after all. She didn't have to ask. She'd recognize that tone and that sass anywhere. She stopped eating midway when the answer arrived, she even spit a bit of the orange juice she was drinking. How did he find her number? Why was him texting her? C: Probably have. Since I don't really know who you are... Harry rolled his eyes. For someone as smart as Carol, she should've noticed right away who it was. As long as he knew, the only person she knew that lived in London was him. Or Edward. Or one of his PO's. But why would any of them text her if not him. Duh. He typed and erased the answer a few times before hitting send. H: It's your favorite prince! Carol decided to have some fun and she never typed an answer as fast as the next one she sent to him. C: Carl Philip! :O How did you get my number? Harry rolled his eyes. Again. H: Not Carl Philip... C: Haakon, then? H: No, Carolina. It's not Carl Philip and not Haakon. It's the best looking prince in the UK. With his reply she laughed out loud. Harry could be so full of himself when he wanted. She was hot, of course. But she wouldn't admit that out loud... or, worse, to him. So she decided to push even further to see what he was going to say. C: George! I didn't know you knew how to type that well being only 3 years old. But yeah... How's Lupo and Marvin? H: Fuck off, Carolina. C: Your Royal Highness, what do I owe this pleasure of waking me up at 6 am? H: Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot we were in different time zones. C: That was awfully unkind of you. My sleeping pattern is a sacred thing. But since you're a prince - not the very best looking one, btw - I won't tell you off. I'm on my way to school. In that moment Harry laughed out loud. Carolina's sleeping pattern came as close as a hibernating bear. He wouldn't mention it to her, but she was the most sleepy person he knew so far. H: I said I'm sorry. So... how are you? C: I'm fine and you? How did you get my number? H: I'm alright. And I just looked through your file. But I also could've asked James Bond to fetch it for me. C: Should I know why would you disturb Mr. Bond's fight against criminals just to get a phone number? H: We need something from you... And then he explained what was needed of her and he hoped that she'd find a good enough reason for contacting her after so many time. Somehow he thought she'd know it was just an excuse to talk to her again. As always, she said she'd get to work on it when she was back at home. They texted each other for a little longer before she turned her phone off to pay attention in the class that was about to start. When she arrived home she opened her e-mail to see the message she received a few hours before. She soon did what was asked and sent it to Edward and Harry saying she was available for any necessary changes on the file. While she worked, another e-mail came in her inbox. She had been selected to participate in a job interview. The company remained in confidentiality and she'd have to be there next afternoon. She considered not going to the interview. Just because when the company didn't show it's name, it meant that it was shitty position in a shitty place. She answered the e-mail asking for more information about the job position and what field would she be working on. She turned on her radio and started singing along while she cleaned her whole house. She was doing everything she could to not think about her last encounter with Rodrigo. She could say that the love she felt for him, was disappearing. Slowly but constantly disappearing and she was looking forward for the day where she'd not feel anything for him. She actually got a reply from the company. It wasn't a detailed job position, but she could at least see that it was a communication company and that she'd get an internship in revising and editing texts and internal communication. She confirmed her presence and started to prepare for the interview: looking for the address online, getting the information about the buses she'd have to take to get there, picking out an outfit and to print her new portfolio. To avoid disappointments, she didn't mention it to her mom. They chatted for a bit after dinner that night. "You know, Flavio asked me to go have dinner with him on Friday.", she said sitting on her daughter's bed. She was biting her lip, a clear sing she was nervous about the topic they were chatting about. "And what did you say?", Carol looked at her mother. "I said that I had to think about it. Meaning that I'd ask you first. What do you think about it?", her mom was looking for a sincere answer. "Well... you're 60 and you're asking me permission to go on a date with a guy? That's weird.", she laughed and her mom only rolled her eyes. "I mean. If you want to go out with him, then do. You're a single woman." "You won't be upset with me?", her mom asked. "No. You deserve to be happy for a change. Both of you are single and grown ups.", she smiled. Her mom got up and kissed her forehead before leaving the bedroom. "Is now the time we should have the talk?" "What talk?", her mom was confused. "The talk about where babies come from and how two people who really like each other hug..." "Shut up, Carolina!", her mom interrupted her rambling and opened the door to leave her bedroom. "But I don't want anyone pregnant, miss!", Carol yelled jokingly when her mom left. --- She arrived at the place of the interview a few minutes before the time they asked her to. She entered the building and gave her ID at the reception. She was headed to the 5th floor and waited for a while. There were ten people waiting with her. She tried to look for a sign to discover where she actually was. But probably it was just a building rented for a HR company to make the interviews for the employers. The interview was like many others she did. A Portuguese test, that she always finished first; a journalism test, an English test and a brief conversation where they asked about her work experience, her hobbies and how she saw herself in 5 years. They asked about the time she was a freelancer at WorldWide and she told them the work she helped to develop there. The woman interviewing her seemed interested but she asked her to wait on the outside for a couple minutes. This time, though, she got to talk to the supervisor. And that's when she was a bit more relaxed, she knew she had done something right. Talking to a supervisor or a manager was always a good sign. They chatted for a few minutes and he said what she was waiting for the past months: "I think this is it. You're part of our team. You had the best scores in all the tests we gave you." She wanted to scream and run and scream again. But she just smiled and thanked them for the opportunity. He explained what her tasks would be, payments and hours and every practical thing for when you're starting a new job. And that's when she got to know the name of the company: she was the new trainee at BBC Headquarters in Brazil. She couldn't believe it that an non eye-catch ad had led her to be employed at BBC. She had been accepted in one of the greatest companies of media and communication in the world. It took her a few minutes to calm down, for her hands to stop shaking and to her breathing to go back to normal. She thanked her new boss and left with all the necessary paperwork for her admission. Losing no time, she went to all the needed places she had to before going home. When she got there, her mom was making dinner and had a worried expression on her face. "Carolina! Where were you?", she said drying her hands on her apron. "I was doing an interview, mãe.", Carol answered putting her bag away. "Why didn't you tell me? How was it?", her mom seemed interested and surely more relieved now that her daughter was home. "Because I was tired of always telling you and coming home with bad news. Today, though, I got the job!" "You did? OH MY GOD! OF COURSE YOU DID! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU", she said hugging her daughter. "Yes, mãe, I did.", she was smiling. "Where are you going to work at?" "BBC." "Holy shit! You serious?", her mom had her hands over her mouth. "Yes! I didn't know it was there until this afternoon, though. But I start Monday". "Oh, thank God! I am so proud of you, Carol." "Thank you mom.", she said smiling at her mom "I'm going to finish dinner and then we can eat, ok? Now I wish I had done something more special for us to celebrate. On the weekend I'll make your favorite food and a cake. You know, your grandmother always said everything gets better with a cake." "Yeah...", Carol said laughing and going to her bedroom to change clothes. She sighed relieved while sitting on her bed. Not only she was now employed, but in her field of study and in one of the best places to have an internship in. She looked for her phone inside her bag and took a deep breath. She texted Julia and was happy with her friend's reactions. Lots of smiling pictures and thumbs up... and even an improvised "well done" sign. However there was another person to share her big secret. The one that made sure to give her an excellent recommendation letter. Carol smiled and texted the number he texted her a few days before, hoping it was really his. C: I got a job! The answer came a few minutes later while she was changing her clothes. H: You did? That's great! Where? C: At BBC. Harry sat up on his bed surprised when he saw what she had written. If anyone would get a job at BBC that person would be her. But he knew it was a very competitive place and worried a little about it. H: REALLY? She laughed then. Everyone was reacting the same way. C: Yes! I just got home from the interview. H: Congratulations, Carol. I knew you'd be working soon. C: Thank you, Harry. Your letter of recomendation helped me a lot. He got distracted with other texts on his personal phone and took a while to answer. She was getting ready to sleep when her phone buzzed beside her. H: But I didn't put my name on it, nor anything Royal related, though. So the merit is all yours. How are you? C: I'm alright. And you? He couldn't tell her the news his grandmother had given him a few hours before, that had killed his humor and made him upset. Nor could he comment on his relationship with Meghan, because it was still a secret. So he went the easiest way. He lied about how he was feeling. H: I'm great. I've got a few free days. C: Always good to have those. H: Yeah. And your mom? How is she? C: She's great. Has a date on Friday. He was trying to keep his mind of it, but all he could hear was his grandmother's voice inside his head repeating those awful news over and over again. He got up and went to the kitchen to drink water. He took only a sip before putting the bottle inside the fridge again. H: Yeah? That's good for her. How are you feeling about it? C: Normal, I guess. I don't really know him. Only a few stories my mom told me. H: Hopefully he's a good lad. C: Hopefully he'll make her happy. That's all that matters to me really. H: That's important, yes. C: So, what are you doing with your free time? He was doing fine, to be honest and was enjoying his free time up until this afternoon. H: Sleeping, mostly. Your panda habits really stuck with me. Then hitting a few pubs with some friends and resting. We're going to have a busy couple of months ahead of us. C: Make sure you're well rested, Your Royal Highness. He went back to his bedroom and rolled his eyes when he read her reply. H: Why do you always have to say that? C: It is your title after all :) H: Never a fan of both the title and that smiley face to be honest. C: No? Why not? I shall call you Your Royal Pickiness then. H: It's a long history... But not calling me Your Royal Pickiness either. C: Can't a girl have fun? She actually pouted while texting that. H: At me? No. With me? Hell yes.

[cancericrab]

Day 1, Breast Reduction Surgery

Ok so it’s 4 am and my mom’s snoring is keeping me up so what better time to write about my day of breast reduction surgery? Probably talking about hospital stuff and things that might make someone squeemish, and on mobile rn, so please scroll past if that’d make you uncomfy!

Ok, starting off I had to shower the night before with antibacterial soap, then again in the morning which was 5 am since I had to get there at 6 and surgery was scheduled for 7:30. No water or food after midnight and if you know me the former was a real fuckin challenge but I managed. Got to the surgery center which was about 20 minutes away, signed in, signed a few forms, and waited.

About 40 minutes later, I was called back to get all ready and my mom couldn’t come with me at that point, which is when I started to get a little nervous. They asked a few questions, had to give a urine sample, then I had to change into a gown and some non slip socks and these wierd paper towel like panties. My nurse was a real pretty southeast asian looking woman named Mary Lou and, who took my heart rate, blood pressure, put some pressurized pumps on my legs to keep blood flowing up to my heart. As I was talking to my short Mexican anesthesiologist, they brought my mom back as he explained the fun stuff about how they’ll put a tube down my throat to keep my airway intact while I’m under (which I still feel btw, dry as the fucking Sahara in there almost 20 hours later).

While he was distracting me with those fun details, Mary Lou stuck a needle in a vein on the sort of side of my left hand, near the pinky meta carpal if that makes sense, then hooked me up to some fluids. My mom was real nice and kept me present and calm, which I shockingly was enough at that point? Getting the hospital bands on my wrists fucked me up more than anything since it reminded me of my freshmen year in college, but that’s another story. I briefly got to talk to my surgeon, who drew the incision lines on me in purple sharpy, then she had to go. I had to wait a little, then I’m not sure what Mary Lou put in my i.v. but she said I’d feel cold and sleepy, which I promptly did. Soon, they whisked me back to the o.r. Everything was getting a little hazy and far away but there were three nurses in there who asked me not to fight them when I woke up, which I guess is a thing for their younger patients? But they put a mask over me and then I was out. Waking up was a p long process apparently, maybe an hour or so, but I woke up to someone moaning in the room next to me, which was not my fave thing when I still couldn’t open my eyes. Luckily a nurse got my mom back there with me pretty soon after hooking me up to fluids again and gave me some animal crackers, which took me about 2 hours to eat since my throat was a parched wasteland that no amount of water helped. I had, and still have on a quite snug surgical bra with floofy gauze underneath, which i did already bleed through, but they had me up, veery unsteadily, to my car, and off home as soon as I could stand.

The ride home, as well as most of the rest of my day, was spent in big time skips in real life, with very vivid dreams in between. I apparently passed out sitting in my dad's rexliner in mid text multiple times, and could only make my way around with very small shuffling steps. They gave me valium at the hospital so I guess that'll do that, so from 10 am ish to 3 ish, i was nearly a zombie to my mom and younger sis. At about 3 my mom went out and got soup from panera, which I did manage to eat while also managing to get a little messy. For some reason my dumb ass didn't think then would be a good time to take my pain killer, so at around 6 I had to eat some frozen pizza with it. Lucky for me I didn't feel sick! That was one of my big worries, but two hours later when I took my antibiotic with more pizza, I still felt fine. I ate some icecream, settled in on the couch, and fell asleep for the night at around 11 p.m. My mom is a sweetheart, but her snoring right now isn't helping with that endeavor lol. If I think of anything else, I'll be sure to write it! Ask to tag!

[aghostpost]

I always feel bad asking people to write something but if you want I've got a request of a Jughead x reader where they both live next door from each other and their bedroom windows face each other. Your writing is wonderful btw, I love it!

A/N: Pls plsplspslpslsplsps PLEASE don’t EVER be afraid to ask me for a request! I love it, it’s so fun and makes it easier for me when I can’t think of anything to write on my own. And especially don’t be afraid to ask me to write for Juggie my current obsession ♥_♥

“You remember when I moved here?” I asked Jughead, my head resting on his chest. It was a beautiful Spring Saturday morning and we came to Sweetwater River for an early stroll before meeting up with everyone at Pop’s for lunch. Somehow the stroll managed to turn into us lying on the river bank enjoying the warm sunlight.

“I do. I had to suddenly get used to your dog taking frequent craps on my lawn.”

“Hey, she doesn’t do that anymore, right? And that’s all the matters.”

“Yes yes, good for Melon.”

“I remember you couldn’t get her name right, always called her Lemon or Melanie.”

“Because what kinda name is Melon for a dog-”

“-I was six! I coulda named her Chickenhead at that time and my parents woulda just went with it,” I laughed. I looked up at him and rested a hand on his chest. “What else do you remember?”

“Hmmm… everything…”

I was sitting on my bed doing my health homework. I was bored which meant easily distracted which also meant I welcomed the breeze I felt through the window. It didn’t bother me one bit, but it gave me an excuse to get up and close the window; anything to wake me up from this dull assignment.

That was the first time I noticed Jughead sitting at his desk playing video games directly across the grass from my bedroom window.

“That’s such a dumb hat.”

I tossed my backpack on my bedroom floor and collapsed onto my bed, stomach full of a double bacon burger, large fries and a chocolate shake. I couldn’t move a muscle but knew I had to clean dishes and read two chapters for history. I sighed. “Nothing to wake me up like reading about dead presidents.” After taking a breather I sat upright to kick my shoes off, noticing a bright light beaming across the lawn. I could see Y/N pacing back and forth in her room reading a piece of paper, probably a presentation for school. At least I thought so until she fumbled with her laptop and started dancing in the middle of her room. Her dog came in at the sounds of the commotion and started jumping up on her, sniffing at her legs, but Y/N just kept dancing.

I shook my head. “She’s so weird.”

My face ached. I was so exhausted after crying I didn’t even realize I fell asleep. My eyes cracked open and I saw a slice of chocolate cake resting on my bedside table. Mom always knew this was the ultimate remedy for sadness. If there was ever an occasion for chocolate cake, Derek Fisher breaking up with me during lunch would be the perfect one. I rolled over and rubbed the warm mound of fur next to me. Melon always knew when my spirits needed to be lifted. After stretching I sat up in bed, scratching my head and noticing something obstructing my view of the outside. After a pause, I climbed outta bed and walked over to my window, picking up the beautifully folded paper that sat on my windowsill. The paper was ornate and folded with precision, and I remembered seeing it before. I watched Jughead casually fold origami in detention once; I had a few tardies and paid the time for my crime.

I looked over through his bedroom window. He had his headphones on and was spinning in his desk chair writing. I waved around a bit to get his attention and when I did, he stopped spinning, pulling his headphones from his ear to open his window. “What is this?” I asked.

“It’s a butterfly.” I looked at the origami creation, both shocked that something so beautiful came from Jughead and confused about what to say next. “It’s said to symbolize girls in love.”

My face fell flat as I looked at him. “But alas…” I felt the reminder of my breakup didn’t need to be spoken.

He understood. “It also symbolizes emerging into beauty and grace. You know, spreading your wings and what not, finding your confidence… Not letting assholes like Derek Fisher ruin your idea of love.”

“Didn’t know you were so cultured…” I commented, delicately twirling the butterfly between my fingertips, ignoring my face flushing at his words. .

He smirked and reached for his window to close it. “You’re welcome. Enjoy your cake.”

My music was blasting as I laid on my bed, annoyed at the argument I just had with my father. I was hoping to drift off to sleep when there was a tapping on my window. I sat up to see Y/N wave with a warm smile, something I was getting used to. I grabbed the stereo remote and turned down the volume and went over to open the window.

“I come bearing gifts,” she greeted, holding the plate up to me.

“… Did you just make this?” I asked skeptically.

“What? No, my mom’s birthday was two days ago. Actually I was supposed to bring some over to you and your dad but I completely forgot. If she asks, say I did.”

“Well,” I said as I took the small plate from her hands, “it wouldn’t be a lie, now would it?” I gave her a wink before breaking off a piece with my hand and shoving it in my mouth, nodding as I enjoyed the dessert. Vanilla with chocolate icing. Good choice.

“Are you okay?” she asked. “You were playing your angry music, and I know because the bass was vibrating my walls. You and your dad get into it again?”

“Principal called the old man. I got into it with Reggie today.”

“You’re always getting into it with Reggie.”

“Because the guy’s a neanderthal and he doesn’t like that I’m the only one not afraid to say so.”

“Did you get in trouble?”

I shook my head, eating another piece of cake. “Just another warning about how my mouth will get me in trouble someday and knowing when to pick my battles. Same ol’ same ol’.”

“If you say so,” she said as she made her way back to her window. She looked at me over her shoulder one last time. “As a wise boy with a very unique beanie once said to me, ‘Enjoy the cake’.”

It would become progressively harder not to like her with each of these cross-the-lawn visits…

It conveniently started to downpour on my way home from the mall and I had the pleasure of walking through the weather from the bus stop to my house. As I pulled out clothes to get into after my shower, I looked at the small origami collection, courtesy of Mr. Jones, lining part of the shelf on my desk. The butterfly he gave me after the breakup with Derek, a crane for good luck on a math exam I was nervous about; that one he left on my desk. A rabbit waiting on my windowsill the morning of our last day of classes before Spring Break, which also represented trickery and mischief, which I discovered Jughead had a bit of in himself.

I smiled to myself as I blushed and started peeling off my soaked clothes when I saw a light glowing in the foggy, gray outside behind me. I looked in the mirror and saw a reflection of Jughead soon followed by a girl from school. Mandy Miller, a Riverdale Vixen, to be exact. I was shocked to say the least, and when I saw them smiling at each other before she kissed him jealousy hit me like a ton of bricks. While I never confessed feelings for him, I knew there was an undeniable chemistry between the two of us; admitting feelings to each other didn’t seem necessary. That being said, I refused to feel sad about this and instead focused on making him rue the day. I was green with envy and refused to feel like I was the only one with feelings invested in whatever it was Jughead and I had. I managed to slip out of the tight, soaking denim and tossed my jeans to the side, checking myself out in the mirror. I could be a Vixen if I tried, I’m sure. I would definitely look good in a cheer uniform.

In the mirror I could see Jughead laughing, Mandy now out of view, and for the briefest moment he glanced out of the window and I spotted him looking at me. His smile fell and he looked away immediately. I smiled to myself and lifted my shirt over my head, then took my ponytail out and gave my hair a good ruffling. Nothing like envy to make your confidence skyrocket. Finally I turned around and found Jug staring right at me and no, I didn’t look away. I slowly sauntered to the window, not breaking eye contact with him, when I reached behind my back to unclasp my bra. Nervously he looked over at Mandy and then back to me. I gave him a seductive grin, and just as my bra straps began to slip from my shoulders, I slammed my curtains shut.

“Wait, you thought I liked Mandy Miller??”

I sat up and shrugged, picking a nearby dandelion. “I saw you guys kiss, what more proof did I need?” I tucked the yellow weed into the fold of his beanie with a small smile.

“Yeah, on the cheek! She was just happy and thanking me for helping her with an English essay.”

“No no no, that was not the kiss of a thankful girl, that was the kiss of someone that has a crush on you. Trust me, I would know.”

“Maybe,” he said as he propped himself up on his elbows and looked at me, half a smile etched in his face, “you should show me for clarification…”

After an eye roll I leaned forward, the smile on his face putting one on mine as I kissed him under the warming Spring sun. While what we had already evolved past a crush, I would use any excuse and any reason to feel his soft lips on mine, to feel time move in slow motion around us and to feel myself overflow with happiness. “Remember that I love you,” I said before kissing him one more time and staring in his eyes. Rarely was Jughead’s facial expression a soft one but in this moment it was the softest.

He pulled one of my hands to his lips. “Couldn’t forget if I tried.

[itsjayyyy]

November 3, 2018 6:54 pm

Yeah it’s been a hot minute since I last updated. and of course I’m going to write a ton, but not nearly as much as what has passed.

So yesterday (friday), before I went to class I checked the weather app to decide which jacket to wear, and saw that it was going to rain around 3pm. I only had one class, so I figured I’d go to it, then stay at the library for a while, get a mango smoothie, and see if I can get some homework done. Like, three hours into sitting there, I had still done close to no homework, rather listened to kris wu’s new album (can you believe the nerve of that guy? He really released his album on the same day as exo, and you can tell that shit was intentional like he wanted to overshadow them (and he sure did, even posted a pic of the itunes charts where his album was #1 while exo’s was #4) lmao petty af) I also started to listen to all of my music in my itunes library, starting with most played and going down. I haven’t even made a dent btw, I have like, some odd 5 whole days of music to go through. Around 4 I figured I should get heading home, so that I don’t have to face the worst of rush hour traffic. Of course, just as I’m stepping out of the library, rose texted me saying it was pouring on the west side. The clouds on campus looked troublesome, but I figured it wouldn’t be too bad.

It was. I stopped by a gas station, and as I got there it started raining. Honestly, on the drive home, the rain wasn’t my biggest problem (I’ve driven in pouring rain so often that I don’t care about getting wet any more), it was the wind. It seriously almost knocked my bike clean over. And it didn’t help that the rain impacted my engine and made it struggle to speed up properly. I really thought I might have gotten into an accident, it was that bad. But as you can see by me typing this, I’m just fine. I took a hot shower, ate dinner, then receded back to my room as always. I brought with me a cup of instant coffee (seriously, cafe bustelo instant coffee is leagues better than regular drip coffee, like what the hell.) and started a kdrama that yoongi recommended called stranger. The dramafever app has been giving me issues recently, so I decided to watch it on my laptop. But when I went to the website, it displayed a message saying they shut down like two weeks ago. Sure shows how little I use that subscription that I didn’t even notice lmao. Luckily the show was also on netflix, so I watched it there. 

I didn’t even consider that maybe I shouldn’t drink coffee before bed, until like 12:30 am. I tried to go to bed around 10:30, but just couldn’t sleep no matter what. At first I thought it was because of small noises like mom doing the dishes or pulling a chair out (and it was irritating the living hell out of me- i wanted to go out there and scream that I was trying to sleep and they needed to stop making noise), but then I remembered the coffee, and how the same thing happened a few months ago. I took some cold medicine to help knock myself out, and set a second alarm just in case.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard for me to wake up despite getting like 5.5 hours of sleep (I mean I did sleep in for an additional 30 mins after the first alarm, but I didn’t feel like I was dying). I left for work 15 minutes early, just in case my bike gave me any issues. I was on cash at work (UGH), which was made even worse now that we don’t get to go to MIMO. I was literally in front of a register for 7.5 hours, when usually it only used to be like 6, with the trip to MIMO accounted for (and the closing cashiers taking over). I was nonstop leaving to go to the bathroom to make up for it, though. 

It’s unbelievable, the lengths to which rose will put other people above me. She mentioned that she was going to go out to the mall to buy a gift for peter’s birthday, and I asked if I could come along because peter’s my bro too and I wanted to get him a gift. But she pulled the whole “uh yeah, you can come if you want” and i was like. if you don’t want me to come, just say so. and she was like “oh you know it was just gonna be like, me and peter and I don’t want to go inviting people by myself” as if she hasn’t invited peter and paul into our hangout times before (matter of fact, there was one time when it was literally just supposed to be me and rose and she dragged peter along, peter and I began to argue, AND SHE SAID SHE DIDN”T WANT TO GET INVOLVED AND SPENT THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON HANGING WITH HIM. but hey whatever, fuck jay right?) and also as if they were hanging out as friends and not with the purpose of buying peter a gift. She also mentioned how paul was planning to finesse something (also huge pet peeve: paul needs to stop calling it “finessing,” just say you fucking stole it.) I mentioned how I seriously didn’t want to move in with paul. Like, rose peter and I all have responsibilities and bills to pay, meanwhile paul still gets spoon fed by his parents. Do I really want to risk my housing and credit score by signing a lease with some kid who hasn’t paid rent his entire life? Hell no. And yeah, the fact that he has no conscience and openly steals is a huge issue for me. Rose tried to brush it off but I kept pushing it, saying that it was a deal breaker for me. She said that “we’ve been planning to move in together for a really long time” and i’m fucking livid. Who is “we”???? Her, peter, and paul???? As if her, me and GIO didn’t plan on moving in together last year? Why does paul get precedence over me when rose and I have been planning to move out together for over a year before she even met him??? Whatever, I’m looking at clara’s lease ending soon, she said she’s looking for roommates. 

I know I’ve probably said this a million times, but I hate family dinners. It’s just so damn obvious that they all want me dead. I always get the least amount of food, nobody talks to me, and nobody cares when I leave halfway through. I spilled my glass trying to put in ice, but didn’t bother to wipe it up. I just really don’t care, it’s not like I’m at the table long enough for it to bother me anyways.

Alright now I’m gonna really quickly hop over to the last update to see what I left off at. So the first thing I feel like I want to talk about (I think it’ll be better if I go from one topic to another, rather than try to do it chronologically) is heather. So I don’t remember if I wrote about this (and I’m not gonna read all my updates to find out), but one time on a friday heather and I made plans to meet up at the library. I texted her that day asking if we could instead meet at the student union (needed to stop by the atm to get rent money), and she didn’t reply (it said “delivered though). I got a call from my boss asking if I could come in early, and I was like yea sure since by then heather hadn’t even opened my message and it was about 30 mins from her next class. I walked through the breezeway, and as I walked I saw her, walking with someone else (prob a classmate) and talking, just hanging out. I dipped into the bathroom so she wouldn’t see me. She later texted me (one minute before her next class started) saying “sorry, my phone died and I just now got this message.” I guess she didn’t know that iphones tell you if the message was delivered to the other person’s phone. yeah, it does kind of hurt, that she bailed on me. it feels like I’m a second option, and if given the chance, she’d hang with other people. Since then, we met up like, once in the last month. In the last two weeks or so, I haven’t seen her at all. She just keeps saying “sorry, I’m too busy now” or “sorry, I didn’t see your message.” I asked if I could borrow her textbook for the gov exam, and she said she had a problem with the rental company and had to temporarily return it. I got a 74 on the exam, by the way. I figure maybe I just shouldn’t message her any more; if she wants to hang with me she’ll message me first.

Speaking of friends, I posted a pic on ig the other day. It’s a far away shot of me that rose took, sitting in the corner of a cafe. The caption was just “let’s get this (bread emoji)” ya know, just a dumb phrase. Anjlie liked it, and I was like... why. I looked at her profile (I unfollowed her long ago so I haven’t kept up with her feed) and she’s changed from 2014 low-saturation tumblr aesthetic to wannabe ig famous aesthetic. Also, she’s tagged this one girl in a lot of her captions. I can tell they’re friends, but it looks like the other girl doesn’t tag her back in nearly as much of her photos. Anjlie was always kind of socially anxious, it seems like she’s made one (1) friend in college that she’s completely attached herself to.

So, my motorcycle. Yeah, I changed the air filter, but it didn’t really affect it. Then I changed the spark plugs (also have to do with gas combustion), didn’t really see an improvement either (but MAN you should see these spark plugs, they’re entirely rust). I figured maybe it’s because the gas tube has a u-shaped curve in it, maybe it’s having trouble lifting the gas back up. So I changed it, and the next day when I walked back to my bike the gas had drained nearly completely onto the ground via a leak that I couldn’t find for the life of me. When I first walked up to my bike I saw some guy standing around kind of suspiciously and got worried, but then when I saw the leak he was like “is this your bike? I was calling parking services because I was concerned about the leak.” I ended up leaving my bike there for nearly a week (and took the city bus to school instead, since obvs I couldn’t drive) before I could get a tow truck called. i knew it was the carbureator by this point due to additional research, and I tried to fix it myself right there in the parking lot, but one of the screws was stripped so I took it to the mechanic and told him there was a leak because of the carbureator. one day when I took an uber home from work, I slammed my thumb in the car door and it bled so fucking bad. I cried like a bitch. It felt like I was nancy kerrigan, because my bike was going to be repaired soon but I couldn’t drive it because nail. But the bike got “fixed,” in which the mechanic said that the issue was the gas filter which was kind of weak. I was like yea I replaced the gas filter myself, but I used the same kind as before so that’s not the issue. and of course the leak didn’t go away. So I brought the bike back and was like “there’s a problem in the carbureator. please clean and rebuild it. don’t try to diagnose anything because I’ve told you before that the issue is the carbureator and you won’t listen.” he held onto the bike for a week and said “it’s the accelerator pump.” i told him to also clean the fucking carb and he finally did (for $267). I told iris and nick how I wanted to just buy a new bike and they were all “oh no that’s too expensive” as if I haven’t spent over $800 in repairs the last two months. And I didn’t even ask for advice from those people, anyways. 

I did call in, for like all of my remaining usf shifts. I’m now officially ioa exclusive, as a result of my incessant bitching about how much I hate usf. And I got cross trained as a cook at cinnabon!!!!! I’ve done a shit job so far tho, I always underestimate the number of buns needed and then end up running out. Tomorrow I have a shift at cinnabon tho, so I can finally redeem myself. Next week I’m scheduled for tuesday and friday too, so I guess my availability didn’t get 100% approved. It’s okay though, one more month until the semester is over and I can change my availability again to weekends only for real for real this time. I’m also going to take up delivering for postmates. they allow motorcycles, so between classes and in the evening I’m gonna deliver. they say you can make on average 10-15 an hour, which is pretty decent considering I’m mostly going to be driving. And even though they don’t reimburse you gas money, I get 80 mpg so I think I’m good. The other day was my enrollment appointment for spring. I already had a schedule ready, just needed to press submit. but then rose was like “oh can you pls pick up peter he doesn’t have a car” and it made me 13 minutes late and all the classes I chose were full. So I had to pick a new schedule, where the first class is at 7:30 am and the last class gets out at 7:15 pm. With like, a 4-hour gap in the middle. Kill me.

I don’t think I have many other topics to cover. I submitted my second paper in english, and next week I submit the last. I bought new toothpaste the other day. still looking to move out (but now, planning to wait till like january). still depressed as shit. but hey, let’s just play it by ear.

[oliverfiles]

You were wrong.

Remember back when you told me I had to block, delete and stop talking to my ex all together because I was hurt over the break-up?

Our break-up was not bitter, it wasn’t because someone cheated/wanted to cheat. We honestly still loved and cared about each other, which is what made it so terribly painful for both of us. It was just due to our lives and circumstances, it would have never worked out. They only came to that realization before I did or maybe I knew, but was deeply in denial about it.

Just to give you a general update of things; we still talk a couple times a month, to catch up with each other. Yes, we did have a lot of painful conversations that NEEDED to be had. There was no way either of us could grow as individuals if things were left unsaid. If I had just blocked them, quit speaking all together, as you suggested numerous times, I would not have known mistakes I made and they would not have known mistakes they made either. This way, we can move on to new relationships and not make those same mistakes again. Yes, it was very painful, yes I got extremely depressed (which, btw, is really understandable, even if we didn’t talk ever again), but I’d like to think I’ve come out of things a better person because we both communicated AFTER we had broken up.

But what did I learn when you ditched me? I learned to be careful who I put my trust into; especially someone who doesn’t know how to communicate how they feel, who is so quick to block someone out of their lives simply due to mistakes and misunderstandings without even trying to talk about things first.

Now, I’m not denying mistakes I made during my trip to see you. Like the water flicking thing; I flicked water at you, you said stop, any time that anyone ever says that about something annoying that I’ve done, I have a compulsive need to do it just one more time. It’s like an itch you have to scratch and my body goes automatic and I have to do it just once more and I have no idea why I do it, but I do it to every one. I think the fact that I found it funny is because I’d known you 8 years and it was something about you that I didn’t know, especially since I’d seen videos of you at Summer camp with your students getting blasted with water guns, water cannons, etc and smiling through it. And when I say, “I found it funny,” I don’t mean laughing at you or finding your phobias and anxieties amusing, it was just like “whoa, I didn’t know that! I thought this dude was bulletproof~” (metaphorically speaking).

Playing on your PC; I guess I was a little confused on this one because you hyped up the fact that when I was there visiting you, you wanted me to play a lot of games on your computer since you knew my PC at home was bad, you wanted me to see how great PC gaming can look and feel. You wanted me to play PUBG and I did 2 times, I did terrible and gave up on it. I played Minecraft that one night with your friends. After that, you kept your PC off to lock me out of it. Despite what you think, I only tried to turn it on 1 single time and it was just by tapping the Space bar and moving your mouse because I thought it was asleep, when it didn’t come on, I gave up and didn’t try again. I spent most of my free time on my tablet or phone, in your living room, by myself... because you were in your room, on your phone, being angry with me, I guess.

Not offering to help wash the dishes the one night you cooked; It was my first evening there, I was in a new environment, I felt awkward and anxious. You asked for my plate, I handed it to you, I didn’t shove it into your hand as you walked by, I have never and would never do that to anyone. It’s also something that happens in my house, we will take the dishes to the kitchen for each other if we’re the first to get up, I didn’t think twice about it. I also didn’t know you were going to wash the dishes right afterwards and I would have gladly tried to help if you had told me you wanted or desired my help. Don’t say I should have known to help because that’s not how my brain works, I have to tell my Mom that every time she says, “you should be able to tell when [xyz] needs to be done!” because I don’t, I just don’t realize stuff like that, I HAVE to be told and reminded to do things. Even if your kitchen did seem a bit cramped to have a tall skinny guy and a short fat guy huddled around the sink to scrub 2 pans, 2 plates and the silverware. Yes, I did get on your PC when you were in the kitchen, it wasn’t the second you took my plate because I remember being observant of you in the kitchen for a bit first. It was because I still felt anxious and awkward, not sure what to say or do. So, I got up and did what made me feel comfortable, which was just to scroll around on the internet for a little bit.

Being loud that one night on Discord while playing Minecraft with your friends; I’m sorry if I was loud, I was talking very softly on discord because you were going to bed at 10:30 and I was no where near tired enough to sleep. I decided to log on discord on my tablet and see what your friends were up to. They asked if I wanted to play Minecraft with them and I agreed. I don’t know what else I was supposed to do, it was 10:30, I would not have been able to fall asleep for hours after that. Though I wish I was one of those people that could fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, even when I’m dead tired, it can take me an hour or two to fall asleep. I couldn’t watch TV because it would have been louder than me talking and the light of the screen would have flashed right into y’all’s bedroom door. I couldn’t have watched Youtube on my phone or tablet because at that point, I didn’t have your wifi password and didn’t want to blow mine and Mom’s monthly data cap. You and C were in bed so I had no one to talk to or even just sit in silence with so, I turned to your friends to keep me company until I was sleepy. I was trying to be quiet so, I don’t know what loud noises you heard, but again, I’m sorry if my existing in your living room kept you from sleeping.

Not waking up when you were screaming at me to wake up; Apologies for not waking up to sounds, but I’ve been that way my whole life. My mom is the same way, she doesn’t wake up to noises either. We’ve learned my nieces are the same as well so, it must run in the family. You knew that tapping the mattress with your foot would wake me so, I don’t understand why you just didn’t do that every morning instead of wasting your time screaming at my unconscious body.

That one day with the train and you were waiting for me to be ready; This one, you said it bothered you the most and it’s the one that confuses me the most. I showered, I come out of the shower fully clothed, minus shoes. You look me dead in the eye as I come out of the shower and I raise my hand at you because C was laying there and I didn’t know if she was asleep or anything. But to me, the raising of the hand while you looked directly at me being fully clothed, I thought you realized that hey, he’s dressed, he’s probably done getting ready and is ready to go. I go, put my shoes on, sit down and take my phone out to look at it while you do whatever. Before I know it, you’re coming out of your room, looking grumpy and stuff like “why didn’t you come get me?” and I was confused because I thought I signaled to you. I’m sorry that there was a misunderstanding in hand signals, but I thought I let you know already and I didn’t know what you were doing in there so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ [Edit] Also, when you said “how was I supposed to know?” and I said “magic”... it was A JOKE because what else was I supposed to say to that?

You didn’t like how I handled “the N situation”; I’ll be honest in saying that I didn’t know there was a situation with N until she cut ties with me. All I knew is that I liked her, it scared and confused me and I acted weird around her. I made that one mistake on Snapchat (which wasn’t aimed at just her, but w/e no one asked me what I meant or how I felt, it was all just N’s complaining about it) and then beyond that, I feel like N took a lot of things the wrong way. Probably shit I posted here on Tumblr that wasn’t even aimed at anyone that any of you know, always people I have no contact with anymore. Tumblr is the only website where I vent and openly express how I really feel about things that happened to me IN MY PAST. Yes, I asked A how N was doing a lot because I was scared to ask N directly. Why? I liked her, I feared she would find me annoying, that I would bother her, I feared her rejection. But I never tried to start some drama with N, why would I? I liked her FFS. When we played games together, I tried my best to help her with every thing she asked for help with, gave her items she needed if I had them and helped her get them if I didn’t. I was never unkind to N, I never uttered an unkind word to N, I picked on her, yes, but I would never bully her, when she told me to stop with a joke she didn’t like, I respected her feelings and stopped. When I said N was a bad friend, it was AFTER she told me she didn’t want to be friends with me over that one stupid thing and it was that she was a bad friend TO ME, not in-general or anyone else. I’m sorry that I acted stupid around her, said stupid things to her AFTER the fact, but I just didn’t know how to behave like an adult because it hurt me. It was hurt of the breakup on top of hurt from her not wanting to be my friend after I tried my best to be nice to her... It was a punch in the gut that I was told that I wasn’t free to communicate how I felt on an open platform because it was “passive aggressive,” to be alone, self harming and suicidal and all of my friends left my messages on read when I needed them the most, including N. ~ When we were talking about going to Dave N Buster’s on the train home that day, I halfheartedly said that, “I bet N won’t come,” you warned me to drop it, it wasn’t me trying to start drama, it was me wanting her to come and meet me, to hang out and be around her. At that point, even after she told me she didn’t want to be friends, even after everything that happened, I still fucking liked her, like the moron I was. Yes, even after you warned me to drop it, I asked her if she would come and she told me again she didn’t want to be friends, I snapped at her... I was so extremely tired from walking so much over the past week, I was angry that she still felt that way, after trying my best to mend the friendship, I was angry that people kept spouting that I was making “drama” when the only person who was stirring the damn drama pot was N. I was just fucking sick and tired of trying to make things right with her.

I didn’t say Thank You a single time I was there; which I’m pretty sure is BS because I say thank you to everyone for every little thing. If I didn’t, it’s because I was anxious and being quiet. You’ll have to admit that you had a really negative vibe going for you a majority of the time I was there and maybe I felt it somehow. But when, in our 8 years of friendship, did I ever not thank you wholeheartedly for everything you did for me? When was I ever an ungrateful brat who was just out to take advantage of your kindness? You can’t count the times because it never fucking happened. Even when you did nothing, sometimes I would message you just to thank you for being a good friend to me, being there for me, etc. And I am grateful to you, back then and even now, for shaping me into the person I am today. Even if I didn’t always follow your advice, I listened and took it into consideration, but you have to realize that sometimes people just have to make their own decisions/mistakes, even if it annoys you. You also have to realize that I have anxiety and depression and advice that seems like things that are really easy to do might not be easy at all to me.

Anyways, some times I miss you a lot, but I realize you want nothing to do with me so, I respectfully stay away from you and all your friends. Hope you’re doing well though.