#i totally understand how that's extremely frustrating when you're the lead

[queerly-autistic]

You really can't engage meaningfully with Ed's story in S2 without firmly centring his mental illness and suicidality, because that's inherently what the story is: it's the story of a man having a severe mental breakdown and going to increasingly erratic extremes in order to achieve his end goal, which is to not be alive anymore...and then it's the story of his recovery from that.

And so much of my frustration with the way I see this being talked about (or, in many cases, not being talked about) reflects my more general frustration with how we talk about mental illness and neurodivergence, so buckle in because this got long (also I am going to be discussing suicide here, as well as very brief mentions of psychosis and ocd, so please take care). There's this trend when we talk about mental health: we go 'oh mental illness isn't an excuse' or 'mental illness doesn't make you do bad things' or variations thereof. These are, in my opinion, some of the worst things to ever happen to the discourse around mental illness. It's reductive. Absolutely mental illness can lead you to do things that you would not have otherwise done, even things that you would be absolutely appalled by, if you were mentally well. What do you think mental illness is if it's not something that impacts your brain and how your brain functions? If your mental illness doesn't directly lead to problematic behaviour, then that's fantastic, but that experience is not universal. It's not an 'excuse' - it's an explanation for certain behaviours that's vitally important to acknowledge and understand in order to try and mitigate harm.

There's also this thing that happens with discourse around mental illness where we assume that what you do in the grips of mental illness is reflective of something that's innate inside you. You were violent whilst in the middle of psychosis? Oh, it's because you're an innately abusive person and this just reveals who you really are. You have Tourette's and one of your tics is a racial slur? Oh, it's because you're an innately racist person and this just reveals who you really are. Your OCD is rooted in a fear that you're going to murder your family? Oh, it's because you inherently do want to murder your family and this just reveals who you really are. It's bullshit. What you do in your mentally ill state is not some deep philosophical reflection of your true character, and the idea that it is is something that causes really deep, dangerous harm to mentally ill and neurodivergent people.

So, now that that's over with, back to Ed.

Ed was behaving in ways that were acknowledged in canon as being extremely out of character whilst in the midst of a severe breakdown. Fang himself said that he'd 'never' seen Ed behave this way; even Izzy, who actively pushed for Ed to embody the extremes of his Blackbeard persona, ended up concerned because it became so extreme and out of character that it was impossible not to be concerned by it. The crew who mutinied on Izzy within a day didn't mutiny on him for months, not until their lives literally depended on it, because it's heavily insinuated that they were hoping he would get better. Because this wasn't the Ed that they knew (the Ed that we came to know in S1 - an inherently soft man who is caught in a culture of violence and is tired of it).

The show wasn't subtle about this. It didn't bury the lead. As well as the constant reminders that he was acting out of character in increasingly alarming ways, this was very clearly depicted as a breakdown, an almost total collapse of Ed's mental health. We saw Ed detached and numb and completely dissociated from the world around him. We saw him in private moments of despair, breaking down. We saw him behaving erratically in the grips of mania. We saw him display absolutely textbook warning signs of someone whose made the decision to die by suicide. We saw him smile and say 'finally' at the moment when he knew he was going to die.

The show basically painted a giant neon sign over his head flashing 'THIS MAN IS EXTREMELY UNWELL' in bright lights, and if you miss that, then it's because you're deliberately avoiding looking properly.

(And, important to note, that most of the people that I've watched the show with outside of fandom discourse absolutely took away from these episodes what the show was intending - they saw how unwell Ed was, they were devastated for him, and they desperately wanted him to get better.)

When Ed steered the ship into the storm, and threatened to put a cannonball through the mast, his clear goal was to create a situation where the crew had no choice but to kill him. I've seen people describe this scene as Ed 'trying to hurt the crew', and I think that's very much a misrepresentation of what the show was depicting. It was very blatantly a suicide attempt. He wanted to die, and he didn't care what he had to do in order for him to achieve that goal. That doesn't make it good behaviour, and it doesn't mean people didn't get hurt, but it does make it a very different situation than if causing harm had been his main intent.

There is a fundamental difference between 'he is doing this because he explicitly wants to cause harm to the people around him' and 'he's doing this because he's suicidal and beyond the point of being able to rationally consider who might be getting hurt in the process of ensuring that he ends up dead'. One of those is a bad person who enjoys causing pain - and the other is a deeply unwell person who can be supported and helped to recover and be better (and should be, for the good of themselves and the people around them).

And on that note, the failure to engage with this as a mental health story is also, I think, why I've seen some people get so upset about the show not doing Ed's redemption arc 'right' - because this isn't a redemption arc, and it's not trying to be. One day I'll do a separate post about how much I love that the show explicitly rejected a carceral approach, opting to essentially put him through community rehabilitation rather than punishing him, and even mocking punitive prescriptive measures (that rubbish youtuber apology speech was supposed to be rubbish and unhelpful), but that's one for another day.

The fact is that the show is telling a story about mental illness, and that inherently means that Ed's arc is a recovery arc, not a redemption arc. And if you're expecting a redemption arc, then you've fundamentally misunderstood the story that they're telling (and the revolutionary kindness at the heart of the show).

I have a lot of feelings about this because I genuinely believe that it was one of the best depictions of mental illness and suicidality that I've ever seen. Within the confines of it being a half hour, eight episode comedy show, they told a story about mental illness that was surprisingly realistic (with the obvious fantastical over the top elements of it being a pirate show - and piracy is explicitly depicted as a culture where violence is heavily normalised), and that didn't shy away from the messier, darker, more complex elements of mental illness (particularly of being suicidal).

And then, most importantly, after all that, the show took me gently by the hand said 'you are not defined by what you do in your lowest moment - you can make amends, you can recover, you are still loved, and you are worth saving'.

[gacha-incels]

Video Anon Yet Again

Thank you for not flaying me alive when I sent in my initial ask. You linking the tumblr post and goo's twitter thread helped to refresh my memory.

The first thing I checked in the description was for a link to the sources, but couldn't find one. So a friend reached out on my behalf, as I don't want to publicly "out" myself. I'll keep you updated if/when the drive owner gets back to my friend.

I've been trying my best to stay educated on the ripples indirectly caused by PM's firing of vellmori, as well as learning about the societal causes that lead to the huge gender gap in SK. I feel like part of the reason of the west's easy dismissal of the whole controversy is partially because the things Korean women fight for, are rights westerners take for granted/see as a given.

I will say though, trying to keep up with all of the news and how they were caused by PM does wear down at my mental state. I know it's important to care, and I know staying informed and informing others is one of the best ways to do that; but honestly speaking, I've been so worn down by all the other garbage from my micro and mesosystems/local politics, that I'm exhausted trying to stay afloat in my day to day life, and I'm unable to muster energy to try and advocate for women on the other side of the planet. I still try my best to stay informed (and your blog really helps with it, when I'm in a mind space where I can think more about these things), but its definitely frustrating/uphill battle trying to correct misinfo.

Personally speaking, I still have very complicated feelings regarding PM's actions and their IP, that i'm still trying to navigate/sort through since personal feelings aren't as black and white as the internet often makes it out to be.

Thank you for being a good resource aggregate that keeps track of everything that's happened since then, and thank you for being open to inform and discuss some of the things I brought up prior.

no problem, sorry if I come across as a person who would flay someone alive for asking a question, I thought I just wrote kind of bluntly lol tbh it's hard when you're not speaking to someone face to face.

in regards to stressing yourself out over learning this information I'll post my thoughts.

There's no reason to repeatedly expose yourself to disturbing news like this if it's affecting your mental and physical health. Completely burning yourself out mentally reading things online in some sort of kind, sympathetic but ultimately misguided solidarity doesn't do anything. maybe you'll feel like you really did something dramatic because your health has taken a serious toll in a short amount of time from reading, but these issues aren't flash in the pan. they didn't start in the past year and unfortunately they won't stop in the near future. on the ground level of advocacy we need consistency and stamina. at some point it becomes arrogant to think you can learn absolutely everything about a complex societal issue from another country by overwhelming yourself with information online. it's important to take action when needed and you don't need to understand decades of complex politics to protest pressing issues regarding misogyny, racism, colonialism et al. obviously. acts like protest, boycotting, mutual aid, strikes, walk outs, disruptions, and other street tactics are extremely important to a movement and typically require more immediate action. that's not what I'm referring to with any of this so please do not misunderstand. the average person learning things online needs to be consistent more than they need to totally stress themselves out trying to take in years worth of information within a week. in the long run you could develop fear and anxiety around reading news like this and completely avoid it, in the short run the stress will begin to negatively affect your health. this isn't going to help anyone. Learning your own mental limits is legitimately one of the most important things anyone can start doing, this is also something that doesn't happen overnight. it's a process. this will also give you the confidence to understand how much information you can take in and you won't feel as if you need to explain yourself to strangers online if you feel guilty about not doing more. I'm not saying you're doing this but I have seen it quite frequently and it begins to disturb me. It's dangerous because you're putting your self worth in the hands of a stranger, it's like a secular confession booth. you can get confidence from learning and speaking with others but none of this happens overnight and it's not something you can rush. understanding the amount of information you can take in to stay informed isn't the same thing as closing your eyes completely towards it. this entire thing is a process, maybe in a year I'll disagree with what I've written but this is how I look at it now. I'm glad this small blog can be helpful and as always I wholeheartedly thank those posting the information that I repost here and I will continue posting what I can in solidarity with the women in South Korea.

[malevolantkitcheen]

hai!! I saw you're JJK match works and they are really good so if they're still open I thought i could make a request? she/they (female) | Leo | ENFP bisexual so men or women is fine I don't really have preference Looks wise, I'm pretty tall around 165 cm, tan, dark brown eyes and short dark brown hair (I think the best way to explain my hair cut is like a wolf cut but not that many layers?), I'd say I'm thin and kinda flat, my hands are kinda veiny and my nails are uneven since I tend to cut them when I'm nervous Personality wise, I'm very extroverted so much so that I get energy from being around people I like, especially people I consider close friends (I'm an only child so sometimes I wish I had a sibling). I'm also very friendly I love making friends and I'd say I'm very loyal too I just like talking to people in general. I can also get a bit overwhelming for some people which I totally understand I'm the type of girl who flirts with her girl friends and teases them constantly but I also get really flustered when someone teases me. I don't like some people though and If I don't like someone I can get really rude and moody but I'm also really moody if I'm just not in the mood sometimes I tend to lash out at people but I feel really bad after. I also end up crushing on the worst people I've never been in an actual real relationship so I just crush on people for some drama in my life. Hobby wise, I'm a music girl I play guitar, piano, kalimba, ukulele, and I sing (I'm also currently learning how to play bass) I'm actually a lead singer in a band. I'm also interested in art, video editing, coding and gaming. Subject wise I like math physics chemistry and computer but they can get kind of stressful at times. I also love dressing up and buying random merch and cute things I've always wanted to cosplay and my clothing style changes every day I'm also a really big jewellery person and i love collecting fun earrings and stationary. Thank you I'm sorry if it's a bit too much hope you have a good day!! <3

For Jujutsu-Kaisen, i match you with

Yuji Itadori

(male match, send in a nother request if you would like a female match too! I am more than happy to do both! <3)

- At first, Yuji came across as relatively awkward, especially around you. He would mainly stick to following Megumi and Nobara around, but the two of you would share occasionally glances from time to time. He was hesitant to come and talk to you but you made it clear very quickly that you were far from intimidating. It took little to no time for you two to find things in common because as soon as you would find a topic of conversation, Yuji would let his words run away with him. At times he wasn’t a great listener due to the fact he was a little bit of a motor mouth when he got comfortable with his friends, but he would always realise eventually and be extremely apologetic, which you found adorable. Despite his very vocal opinions, he loved listening to you talking about almost anything and everything; he found you fascinating.

- At times you would worry that you were getting on his nerves because you were getting carried away with the conversation, but Yuji would always reassure you that it was more than okay and that you were simply just really interested in whatever you were talking about. You loved this about him because most people would get frustrated and just stop listening all together. He just truly understood you. Of course there were still some occasions where you would be a little off, especially if you hadn’t had the greatest of days. At first, Yuji didn’t really know what to do because he hadn’t been in these kinds of situations, more so because he didn’t want to upset you any further. However, it didn’t take him very long to figure out what the best ways to help you were, even it just meant sitting in comfortable silence with you, so you knew that he was there if you needed anything.

- Sometimes, Yuji would feel as though you weren’t interested in him as you would bring up other people on occasions, of course you weren’t doing this maliciously, but it still made him a little bit doubtful at times. Despite this, he was determined to stay by your side no matter what because you truly meant everything to him. He hadn’t really made any advancements towards you romantically but he didn’t really hide his feelings very well because much like you, he got flustered extremely easily and even just being around you would often make him smile and blush.

[backjustforberena]

I do think Corlys’s self worth and extreme pride comes from the fact that he is a go getter and he as succeeded so much? He is and was the driving force of the Velaryon house. I think that after experiencing the loss of his kids he went back to war to try and win, and to in some twisted way prove to himself and others he was still worthy? Which probably led him to be more reckless than usual leading to his near demise. In his mind he almost thought that if he won big again he could attenuate the pain.

I totally agree with you.

As you say, he's got this immense drive for not only survival but the culmination of power and wealth, as I think he probably equates that with protection and being a good Lord and a good father and a good husband. He has personally and solely raised Velaryon to be one of the wealthiest and most influential houses. And he mainly did that through action: the voyages, the battles, the building of High Tide. There's a great hunger. I think the fact his wife is passed over for the Crown is very frustrating for him which is why he can't let it go. Slight her, slight him, slight the whole of Driftmark etc etc. He says he wants her on the Throne for her but it's all intermingled. It's quite sweet, I think, but ultimately extreme and a little misguided. He's a self-made man, but he can't make this thing happen for them. And when he tries, by getting their kids close and married into the centre of that royal family, it ends up turning into a disaster. He pushes, and pushes, and pushes because that's how he's made himself.

Ultimately, for me, what his engine is, is the fact that he's trying to elevate his family, elevate his name. When his wife was passed over for the crown, he seems to take it that much more personally than she does. Ambition is his driving force for most of the season.

To go on to why he went to the Stepstones... I think you're bang on, again. I think he needed a win, in the Stepstones. So he retreats to a very black-and-white, ABC, kill or be killed, victory or loss kind of a world; a very binary sort of world where you don't have to think much about the long game or people's feelings, because it's where he feels most comfortable. War is almost like his safe place because he understands the sea, he understands the nature of battle and all of that. Steve explains it better:

The thing about battle is you either succeed or you don’t — there’s no grey area. He likes that. He’d like it if life were like that, generally.

Because in battle, or when he’s at sea going exploring, it’s clear — you do this or you die. There are no grey areas, no need to try and think about the other person’s point of view. If you’re in a battle, someone’s coming at you, you take them out, or they take you out.

In a way, I guess the battle and being at sea are the things for Corlys. I don't suppose you'd call it mindfulness, but I think it's that idea that he's just concentrating on one task. I think that's why he feels at home.

When his political moves don't work out and his family is broken due, in part, to choices that he made, he'll go to a place where he can be of some use and have a little bit of guarantee, as much as war can ever be guaranteed. The Stepstones, at that point, are a bit like what they were to Daemon earlier in the series: a chance to prove his worth all over again.

And I think there's probably a part of him that needs to reclaim that sense of pride and sense of ownership. And just, on a very basic level, prove himself. He says he lost "everything" and I think he's fully including his wife in that. He leaves and he thinks he's lost her, more so as the years go on. So I imagine there's a, perhaps unacknowledged, thought of: If I win this great victory, Rhaenys will think better of me. Or I can't go home to Rhaenys having lost, so I will stay till I win.

Which, to be fair, he DID because he defeated the Triarchy. He also just got slashed in the neck and nearly drowned then nearly got overtaken by fever for his troubles. But until he sees what his absence actually did to Rhaenys, only then does he twig that she just needed him as he was and that they just needed to be together. That's all she was ever asking of him.

Steve Toussaint is so good at really kind of explaining Corlys's pride and ambition. I think there's a real dichotomy between family and legacy for Corlys and the intermingling of pride and love. He loves his kids and his wife but ultimately, he damages them because he has that sense of ego and injustice. And the whole thing with his kids I think is just a massive defeat and massive humbling in terms of getting to the Throne.

What's interesting, for me, is thinking that Rhaenys has already had her massive defeat and had to accept that. Hers was way back at the Great Council. So he's now caught up to her with that. They're on the same page because they've both lost and so they can both let it go.

It's great to see him kind of sit with the consequences of his actions surrounding his kids, and then again, what the consequences of his leaving are. We see a definite shift in priorities.

I find Corlys so fascinating to be honest. Really good stuff.

[cg-saturn]

(TW: talk about holding emotions in?)

hi saturn, I'm going to make this short as possible, so I'm sorry if I write a long message. Well.. I've been holding my emotions in for a long time, for months and i have been trying to hold my tears in. I know it's not okay. But I can't get help, I have trust issues and my friends probably wouldn't let get those emotions out. I'm tired and my sister is the only one who understands and makes me happy, you all in this community make me happy too. I have been thinking about just going to the bathroom and letting my emotions out in there. What do you think? Again, I'm sorry.

-ivy

Hey little one, I totally understand how hard it can be to express your emotions- especially if you come from a place with deep trust issues. It took me almost four years to cry in front of Star, and I've only recently began expressing panic attacks rather than bundling it in, just past five years of being together. It's hard to be vulnerable, especially in front of people. I'm from a family of "I'll give you something to cry about", so I struggle both with expressing and helping when it comes to this stuff. But I want you to know first and foremost that you are not alone. Expressing emotions and crying are extremely normal and valid responses to things happening in our lives. Bottling things up can only make it worse in the long run, and can cause you to do something serious or dangerous. If you're worried about others judging you, journaling can actually help a lot. I've kept tons of notebooks over the years, and it can really help to write down what's wrong or even just scribble out a whole page until you feel better. I used to write poems and songs, and I think it helped me when it came time to talk about my feelings because I had them written down in words in front of me.

I want you to know that crying and having emotions is not a sign of weakness or anything to be ashamed of. It is human. We all have feelings that can sometimes add up, but holding them in can only lead to bigger explosions down the line. I'm always here if you need a little distraction or some words of encouragement too! I really really hope you find ways that help to express your frustrations and anxieties as they come up so you dont feel like this in the future.

Sending you all the love kiddo, and a cookie and juice for being so brave 🧃🍪

Pippi Saturn 💕

[tobe-sogolden]

Thoughts on Florence’s interview?

No thoughts ❤

[multifandomqueen01]

Eddie Munson Headcanons

Warning: Just some deep, sad(ish) thoughts and some straight up NSFW. (Excuse the rambling, this man is all I can think about) Please note that I don't claim these as my own headcanons.

************************************

-He tries to seem unphased by what people think of him, as we see during the cafeteria scene, but when he's alone that's when the insecurities creep in.

-Canonically we don't know why his parents aren't present in his life, but I feel like their absence has taken a toll on his self worth. He often wonders why he wasn't good enough, and this is where his need for praise and flattery comes from.

-His poor grades aren't due to lack of intelligence, but most likely undiagnosed ADHD. He struggles to focus on tasks, sit still, and tends to be very forgetful. The system has failed him since day one, which leads me to my next point.

-His sense of rebellion is more than just being a metalhead in the 80s. He knows how corrupt the system can be and how it exists to benefit a certain type of person, which he is not. I'm sure this is why he isn't surprised when he learns about the upside down and everything that the government has hidden.

-Eddie doesn't have a specific type, when it comes to appearance or social status. Although if you're going to date him, you need to understand that DND and his band will take up large chunks of his time. That being said, he'll love if you tag along.

-You don't have to be into drugs or heavy metal, but if you are that's just a bonus, and you'll have alot of fun together.

-He definitely has a tattoo gun of his own and will give you free range to tattoo him. When he realizes that he's in love with you, he'll tattoo your initials on himself without hesitation.

NSFW

-He's a switch, with more submissive tendencies. This man is a total simp and will do anything to make you happy, in and out of the bedroom. That being said, when he's had a rough day he'll be ready to put his handcuffs to work. Tying you up and using you to take out his frustrations.

-I'm OBSESSED with the idea of pussy drunk Eddie, and have seen so many posts about it. There is something about this whiney man that awakens a whole other side of me.

"Oh, Baby. Please, don't stop! Jesus Christ."

-Making out with you will turn him into a desperate mess. Lots of dry humping, and he would definitely be the type to cum in his pants. He'd be a little embarrassed at first and you'd have to assure him that you find it hot.

-Sex with him would never be a dull moment. He's the kind to have you laughing and moaning his name in the same breath.

-He's extremely verbal. The king of dirty talk and will praise you like it's his job.

"That's it, Sweetheart. Just like that."

"Oh my god, you're so fucking beautiful."

-He'll love if the action is reciprocated, wanting to know that he's doing a good job. Calling him a "Good Boy" will have him wrapped around your finger.

-He loves the idea of claiming and marking you as his own. Leaving hickeys where people can see them, and cumming inside you (slight breeding kink), with permission of course.

-He's shamlessly loud during the act, hoping that others will hear.

[mylordshesacactus]

thank you for the further bookmark issue. as someone who doesn't really use ao3 (fic isn't so much my thing, etc) but is y'know terminally online it's interesting to see the difference in which bookmarks function there as opposed to most every other site. I had no idea there were people leaving comments and notes on things that could just be seen??? like i hear bookmarks and immediately think 'ah yes the websites i would like to save for later in completely bizarrely named folders that i will most definitely forget about in about 20 seconds max' and not what appears to be a secondary (tertiary?) personal tagging system. and so out of genuine curiosity are there other things on the site that don't really work the same as one might assume? like i'd just default assume that a bookmark would be private and lost to the ages in three sub folders of whatever. again; haven't really used ao3 since um...probably shortly after launch and so haven't ever really like gone into explore more of how it functions beyond the basic tagging system. alternately tho, have bookmarks everywhere always been public in which case i am so sorry to anyone who has opened their how two guide on [random special interest at the time] only to find that somehow it's been associated to a sorting solution that makes sense to no one (especially me.) sorry, hi, not trying to be rude or continue drama just a little lost on the sidelines here.

You're fine!

The thing about AO3 bookmarks that you're (totally understandably, since you don't use the site!) not quite grasping is that, again, it's blatantly clear simply from using the site that they're public. There's a button on every single fic that leads to the bookmarks, and a hyperlink under every single fic summary that does the same thing. The bookmark is a site feature that links back to the original fic, and you can clearly see bookmarks on other users' profiles.

I totally don't blame someone for briefly, initially, assuming bookmarks might be private! My condescending bitchiness is specifically aimed at people who make heavy use of the feature for YEARS and STILL have no concept of how it works, and get angry when corrected--at a certain point, it becomes willful ignorance. You gotta LOOK at the site you're using, and if you refuse to do so, the people around you have every right to get sick of your shit, you know?

So, bookmarks are just really not an example of unintuitive design. Honestly, most of AO3 is extremely clear in how it functions. On any site, it's worth taking five minutes after joining to open different menu options and see what all is available, and AO3's menus are really thorough and very easy to use.

Furthermore, a lot of the things people complain about as if they're...well, for example, the definition of Mature vs Explicit fic, or how archive warnings work. I've seen a lot of people act like it's mysterious or impossible to learn or like it's purely Terminally Online Acquired Fandom Knowledge, and get frustrated by being expected to "just know" how ratings or relationship tags work. And I'm FULLY sympathetic to that! There's nothing more frustrating or upsetting than everyone around you acting like you're supposed to "just know" how something works, "just know" an entire subculture!

Here's the thing though.

AO3 has tooltips built in to explain those things.

They're not esoteric nebulous Fandom Knowledge TM that you have to learn by meditating on a mountainside! And they're not totally meaningless terms that people being sticklers about are just gatekeeping over. On AO3, they have specific meanings and usages, and the explanations DON'T require you to go poking around the FAQ or Q&A sections of the site! They're easily accessible right from the relevant pages.

(I realize that I am, in general, kind of a sarcastic bitch, so I want to be very clear that my tone in this specific post is NOT sarcastic and I am NOT trying to come across as pissy or condescending--you asked a legit question in good faith and I'm happy to talk about it.)

I don't know that this is really the answer you were looking for, but I think it's the most productive answer I could give! The site is very self-explanatory for anyone who cares to use it.

It's a little like hiking. It doesn't matter how well-marked the trailheads are if someone refuses to pay attention to their surroundings.

[vicsdeangelis]

This isn't about anything in particular, just some nasty built up resentment I have that I need to get out but am too embarrassed to divulge to my therapist. I dont remember when I became insecure about my boobs but it was definitely AFTER I became a fan of måneskin bc before that I was as conscious of my boobs as i was of my arms, meaning, that i was not thinking about them at all. It was only after I became a fan and would regularly see Vic with her boobs out and confidence high that I became insecure. Like somehow, it had the opposite effect of what it was supposed to have. I think (*know) it's because I noticed how different our boobs are and how different of a reaction the two of us would get wearing a sheer shirt, or just pasties and topless. Like, I know she doesn't do it simply to look hot even though she does, it has this point behind it that women should be able to be topless just like men are, she should be allowed to play topless without anything uncomfortable covering her nipples, I totally agree, I get it. unfortunately my brain has been taken over by nasty insecure, jealous, mean goblins and I'm not thinking about that! I'm thinking about how she has the roundest and perkiest boobs and I have saggy boobs, nipples just pointing to the floor. we would get v different reactions from a general public. She's hot & a problem and I'm disgusting. Bc she has the perkiest natural boobs I've ever seen, I mean, nipples just right in the middle of her boob, no problem. And I'm young, I'm a little bit younger than Vic but I have never had perky boobs, just never. We probably have the same size boobs but mine are just saggy, just no resistance to gravity at all. It's genetic definitely, and it frustrates me so much. It's not her fault, I dont blame her, but sometimes it's hard not to feel painful emotions towards her. Envious and jealous of her body and her confidence has lead to anger and resentment. I hate it. I hate feeling this way, I don't like it at all, I don't know how to get over it, I want to get over it but at the same time I also want to scream and cry bc I will never look like that. Not without surgery, not without tons of money I don't have. And saying "you're not ugly, you're just poor" doesn't make me feel any better, why would being called poor and ugly in the same breath make anyone feel better???

sorry this is TMI i just needed to rant

don't apologize. i hope being able to let it out made you feel at least a little lighter, listened to

okay, so this is a lot. and i'm not gonna have a satisfying answer or advice for you, i don't think

my own experience with vic and her boobs have actually been positive. she made me feel comfortable going braless more often than not (except for when i wear white shirts that are kinda sheer, cuz i'm still scared of being judged). and like, my body type isn't at all like vic's. aside from height, i don't think we have anything in common, but she was still some sort of inspiration to me, to be more free regarding my boobs

i don't know how my super self hating brain avoided the trap of comparing myself to celebrities, but thankfully it did. because it's futile. and here's the thing, that doesn't mean i don't compare myself to people; i do. they just happen to be "normal people", so i do understand the feeling of resentment. like, i think i spent almost a year without talking to some friends of mine because of said resentment. it's an irrational feeling, it's something we shouldn't do and it's something we know we shouldn't do, but it's not that simple, right?

i'm not gonna try to boost your confidence with nice words because as someone with extreme low self esteem, i absolutely hate it when people do that to me. it feels insincere, it feels like lying out of pity, it's kinda humiliating, and i don't want to make anyone feel that way

loving yourself, or even just accepting yourself, is a damn hard journey. it's so much unlearning, and it's honestly fucking lonely because no one can do that for you, you have to do this shit yourself, and it fucking sucks so much sometimes. but what's the alternative? hating ourselves for our entire lives? i'd rather at least like myself even if it's out of spite for the world that made me hate me in the first place

listen to me, your body wasn't made for anybody's consumption. it's vital that we remember that when everyday we are bombarded with propaganda that tells us otherwise. your body is not a product. your body is yours and yours alone, no matter its size or shape. accepting our bodies in a world that preys on and profits off of our insecurities is an act of revolution

i know this wasn't helpful, and i'm so fucking sorry you're struggling with those feelings. i know they suck

ps.: anyone who says that "you're not ugly you're just poor" thing deserves to get fucking decked

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Light on me Ep 11

I think I get the point now though I'm not sure I do. I just think it's amazing we're in Ep 11 out of 16 and still don't know whom Tae-Gyeong will end up with. Things are not as clear as they unusally are in TV series because life is not clear as day. Decisions pop up in your head and you're lost at some points plus the others don't know the answer either. It's as simple as that: nobody knows anything about life. "Light on me" manages to mirror this confusion and love triangles in real life are not as easily to understand - when you find yourself in one - as shows might show it. That's why, despite of this ep being frustrating as hell, it stays interesting. I still wanna know. I still wanna see.

Things are getting more complicated with every episode. Everything is tangled and knotted together. Da-On's backing away has a lot to do with the comments he gets from other students, as well as what Tae-Gyeong says to him and despite what the teacher told him because the school president puts pressure on him. It's a whole mess, so let me try to explain it - mostly to myself.

So, we start off with comments such as "Shouldn't you at least explain yourself?" and "Aren't you a bit too open-minded?" The normal reaction is not answering directly, like Tae-Gyeong, or denying the rumors, like Da-On. This is their biggest difference and issue right now. Tae-Gyeong is not ashamed whereas Da-On is, probably because he feels people are disappointed of him. His problem is with expectations and only he himself knows what he truly feels. I think he believes it helps to not let others in, to not let them know, but he comes to realize by the end of this ep, he accomplished the exact opposite. People don't cross him any more and he doesn't thank anyone who tries to protect him from the hate because he's too selfish to see. He's lost in his head, devided into two possible actions and just doesn't care about the world. It clearly shows with him ignoring Tae-Gyeong who wants to sort things out between them.

See, the thing is, a shitstorm is bad, it goes away, sure, but still, it's aweful, and it brings negative sideeffects with it, but he has the opportunity to not suffer that much. He's not the only victim here. Tae-Gyeong has a saying in this too and they could sort things out because Tae-Gyeong is the only one who can understand him at this moment, but Da-On chooses to feel even more horrible because he wants to punish himself for leading Tae-Gyeong on in the first place. Still, he looks selfish. He doesn't want to clean up the mess he made. That would mean actually spending even more thoughts on it. He doesn't see, the outcome would be more positive. So, yeah, Da-on doesn't believe in himself.

"You can say you're not okay from time to time."

"If your parents find out about this, you know we'll be in a tight spot."

Da-On doesn't dare fighting against the world, so he leaves Tae-Gyeong behind and verifies all the negative theories about what an aweful person he is, to escape the scenery and not be held as responsible any longer.

Tae-Gyeong is just lost at this point. Like I said, he's not ashamed and he never will be. He would even admit it. He feels responsible for what happened but he knows, he's not the only one involved in this matter, so he waits for Da-On to come, to reach out. But since Da-On doesn't, Tae-Gyeong addresses the matter. "Do you even want to talk to me." It's mostly ever been Tae-Gyeong being the first to say anything. It makes him feel like Da-On is totally fine without him, like he's not special to him, like he is as close to him as everyone else, though he knows it's not true, but Da-On won't appreciate him. He lets Tae-Gyeong believe everything the world says he is and Tae-Gyeong doesn't know what to believe. Should he believe what the world says or what he once saw? Is Da-On just good at lying or really feeling something? He chooses the first one. It's not like Da-On denies it...

Da-On does seem selfish and he truly is but it's not like it doesn't affect him, it's not like it doesn't hurt him. He's just really scared of the world.

But he broke Tae-Gyeong by not being honest or sincere. Everyone deserves the truth and not "what's good is good". What does that even mean? Tagging along with everything because the other person will feel good? Others feel good about honesty, not fake smiles. Tae-Gyeong feels like he's just been the victim of one of Da-On's bice guestures. That's not only rejection, he can deal with that, no, that's fakery.

Da-On runs off and Tae-Gyeong goes home alone. He then meets Shin-Woo who was waiting for him to check on him. Shin-Woo knows Da-On way longer and I think he knew before, this confrontation won't be good. He probably knows that feeling himself. So, instead of saying "I'm sorry", he tries to cheer Tae-Gyeong up, makes sure he doesn't feel small.

"If you want to cry, just cry... I can't just leave you here but I can pretend I didn't see anything."

Guys, I want a Shin-Woo in my life. This man is teaching me how to comfort sad people, honestly. How can someone be so understanding?

Okay, so, let's get to Namgung because this man makes me smile every episode and he is truly a badass. He mostly has just one or maybe two scenes but he clearly has boundaries. Loyalty is extremely important to him. That's why he talked So-Hee down and that's why he goes to these inapropriate students.

I laughed so hard at their faces...

The other time I laughed - more giggled - was when these girls at Lee So-Hee's high school tried to figure out who might be the one behind the photo and they immediatly suspect So-Hee and even come up with the right explaination. Hah. Girls surely know how other girls think, what they are capable off because they don't speak directly. (I'm only talking about clichés here and So-Hee is such a cliché)

Well, I don't really know why I wrote this analysis tbh, but I had fun XD

This is just me trying to explain it to myself...

[just-like-playing-tag]

A Letter from Norman reactions

Tonight I was feeling like reorganizing the notes I took after reading the novel for the first time. Just some random personal reactions I had after reading it; if anything catches your attention and you'd like to know more about a particular event from the novel, please feel free to ask and I'll be happy to help!!!

Under the cut because it's l o n g. That is, if Tumblr allows me to add a "read more", which has never happened before, but I'll keep hoping in it.

• Disclaimer: I'm suing anyone who ever said that the novel is all about NorEmma. I've literally put off reading it because I didn't want to get into something overly romantic while there's??? Nearly nothing about it that is romantic??????? Just a slight mention in that last chapter and that's it???????? Why are y'all like this

Prologue

• I need you all to know that the important letter™ through which Norman informed Emma about his plan starts with him describing the weather. I just think it's a relevant information.

• Ok I'm at freaking page 1 of “A letter from Norman” and. NORMAN IT'S A FREAKING LETTER TO EMMA NOT A SHAKESPEAREAN PLAY THERE'S LITERALLY NO REASON TO BE THIS POETIC

Maybe, I would get it if it was directed to Ray, but to Emma?????

Chapter 1

• Emma in 2038: Let's befriend ghosts

Emma in 2047: let's befriend demons

Seems like a logic consecution to me

• Ok but why has nobody ever mentioned the extremely precious Emma / Gilda moments in the novel???? My heart was completely melting that was the most adorable thing I've ever read??????

• The way Norman is constantly in awe of Ray is so adorable... Baby is so sweet I swear, he deserves the world

Chapter 2

• OK BUT THE SWEET EXCHANGE between Ray and Isabella before him and Emma go out at night?????? Ray is so pure is swear... He's a precious baby who didn't deserve all the shit he went through.

Reporting it in case anyone's curious; for context, Norman is sick, and Emma wants to go out look for a flower that she's read is going to help him feel better. Emma and Ray are convinced that Norman is going to die because babies are just that dramatic, and easily impressionable as well. They're seven here.

“ «Ray, I'm counting on you!»

Isabella pressed an hand on the boy's shoulder, who turned his face to her and diligently nodded, before continuing: «Differently from Emma, I don't think the flower is going to help Norman heal».

«What do you mean?»

«However, it's better than having to sit back and watch without doing anything. I too, like her, want him to heal as soon as possible.»

«Sure, I understand...» ”

NOW that hits so hard. You have to understand, this is after Ray had made the deal with Isabella. He had already started to plan the escape. In this occasion, he was on a very thin line: alone at night with Emma, outside the House, a child who knew the truth. Isabella knew those were the right conditions for him to attempt an escape, so she decided to test his loyalty; one misstep, and their deal - which was fundamental for the escape Ray was planning - would have ended.

But at the same time, Ray needed to go. Because, just like Emma, he just couldn't stand to lose Norman. And to see these three children caring so deeply about each other even at such a young age makes me honestly bawl. This is quite certainly my favorite thing from this series. And Ray deserves the world.

• Ray was so determined to save his two friends, he even considered for a moment, in the woods, to tell Emma the truth about the orphanage. I find it very nice how the novel hinted of all these times Ray almost revealed the truth, it really puts emphasis on how he was trying to find the best moment for the escape- but it also hints to how desperate he was to share this grievous burden he was forced to carry for the longest time.

• “ Ray, you must keep on living, Norman whispered to himself like a prayer. ”

I'm... I'M 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Doesn't help the fact that this bit was literally at the end of pages of Norman praising Ray and how brave he had been for so long.

• “ Nobody in the House would have wanted for Ray to pay with his life to amend the silence of all those years. ”

I love this bit. Nobody between the children ever hated Ray for speechlessly assisting to dozens of his siblings being lead to death, because they all immediately understood how much he was suffering, how powerless he must had felt, and also, even though it only led to him being even more hurt, how deeply he loved them all. It's really nice to realize that no children ever hated Ray- no one besides from himself. His siblings love him unconditionally, and that's precisely what he deserves 🤧🤧💕💕💕

• Norman: *adventures in a detailed description of Ray's features and gestures for no other apparent reason than the fact that he finds him pretty*

Chapter 3

• Ok I know people use to see Ray and Susan's interactions under the light of Ray having a crush on her but honestly? I think they make the cutest brotp. I never knew how much I needed Ray-having-an-older-sister content untill now.

• For real though!! What hits you really hard is to find out, even though he would had never ever showed it, how desperate he was to have somebody care about him, and to be loved. He literally grieves for losing someone that looks after him and is there to check on him in his lowest days- we know it's the thing Isabella never gave him. Man, this boy didn't deserve all the shit that happened to him. Tpn may have become an old known story for me, but Ray's sufferings in his early age will never stop tearing my heart apart.

• Ok, I wasn't ready for all this angst on Ray's part. I mean, I obviously know GF were hard times for him, but I didn't expect for him to take over the pov. Sis, how wrong I was. Now I'm crying.

• Coming to the realization that Ray's initial plan actually was to bring everyone in the escape, but he clearly had to give up on it after having realized it would have been impossible to save them 🥺🥺🥺

(I mean it was not impossible. He believed it was. But it wasn't.)

• Ok but. The last part of the Ner chapter. I really don't want to spoil it for anyone because it really was a beautiful chapter but I really need to say: Emma and Norman. The way it wasn't just Ray always being there for them, protecting them from afar; no matter their blissful ignorance, they have always been there for him too. They never abandoned that lonely boy, and they made it so that he could have a last reason not to give up. A single, dim light of hope in that pitch black, devastating world he was born in. I may or may not be crying my eyes out.

(Btw I had written this before the Ray special chapter came out, and it's kinda funny to look back at it now)

• The thing with the Ner chapter is: you enter in it after reading two chapters of normal, wholesome children's stories. There's a dark undertune in it, but it's very subtle and it doesn't interfere with the happy, cheerful atmosphere of these children facing adventures together with each other. But then the Ner chapter strikes, and the Ray pov arrives, and it's like being beaten with a bat in the stomach several times. Deep down, you had always known it; but you suddenly realize that all these children are going to die. And, even worse, there's one child who knows. There's one child who has to assist to everything powerlessly. There's one child, one freaking-nine-years-old who knows that all his siblings are going to die, and there's nothing he can do. That a single mistake could ruin the chances of making just two of his siblings survive, which is everything he's hanging to right now. One child who only needs to be loved. Well that... That hits hard.

Me expressing my thoughts: girl this form is shit you can't write something that is understandable to save your life can you

• Also can we please appreciate Norman taking so long to get out of the forest as it's a recurrent characterizzation of his character to be desperately willing to live just *French chef kiss*

• I really like how the novel underlined how Norman's choice of sacrificing himself corresponded to a betrayal toward his friends (when you think about it, Emma definitely felt betrayed). It's almost like in his last moments Norman chose to switch roles with Ray, taking on his shoulders the burden of being both the traitor and the sacrifice.

Chapter 4

• Norman: * “ He instinctively closed his eyes and abandoned himself to the sweet memory of that time he understood how deeply loved he was. ” *

Somewhere, Ray: Can't relate

• Emma: Norman, what you want to do when you grow up?

Norman: It's a secret.

Me:

• “ Ray woke up before everyone, as usual. ”

A remarkable detail. You'd think Ray, as a good depressed person as he is, would sleep more than the average. The truth is: he doesn't sleep at all.

• Norman: There's... Another person I like

Me:

• OK NOW WHY did none tell me about the nine (9) lines of Norman / Don interacting it was worth reading the novel solely for that.

• WHY DID NONE TELL ME ABOUT DON ALMOST STRANGLING NORMAN AND MAKING HIM LITERALLY PASS AWAY IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH READING THE NOVEL SOLELY FOR THAT

• Reading about Conny being there hurts a lot but reading about Sadie and Hao brings up a totally different kind of pain. Also who the hell is Cindy?

• Norman: Oh yes, Emma and Ray, my most dear friends, my closest siblings, the reason I wake up in the morning, my only reason to live, the ones I'd entrust my life with,

Also Norman: Dunnot in the last thirteen hours and six minutes they have been acting pretty sus, I'm kinda sure they're betraying me somehow ://

• “ «I agree, but it feels like you've fallen down a rabbit hole. You're restless, you constantly look off...» said the raven haired boy, distorting his mouth in an hardly intelligible grimace and giving his friend a meaningful look.

«Norman, about that mysterious girl...»

«No, you're mistaken! I...»

Norman, filled with frustration, raised up his voice, starting to lose the coolness that was usually characteristic of him.

«But I haven't said anything yet!»

That being said Ray, with slightly mocking doing, turned on his feet and went away, leaving Norman like that. ”

I LOVE THIS BIT SO INEXPLICABLY MUCH I'm always *so* in for Oreo finishing each other sentences / reading each other's thoughts. Here, Norman answered Ray's question before he could even expose it, because he already knew what it would have been. Equally, Ray knew what Norman was going to say even though he cut his answer halfway through.

I love how much on the same page they are, they really... Totally and fully understand each other even without words, and I find it so sweet. Seriously, their dynamic is so wholesome

• Norman's last birthday gift: the thing that matters the most to him: his family's happiness

Emma's reward: the thing that matters the most to her: her family's happiness

Some things hit harder than others.

• I don't know like. When you read the novel after the series has ended, everything hurts so much more, because you know these are all memories Emma has lost forever.

• So you made colorful clothing by "coloring old clothes"? Have fun realizing y'all have celebrated Norman's birthday wearing your dead siblings' clothes

Bonus this epic note I randomly took I completely forgot the context of:

• Isabella is a bitch. I don't give a fuck about your dramatic past woman, leave that boy alone

(When the protect Ray mood hits™)

[mldrgrl]

Hi, I've always come to you for prompts and have been very lucky so far. If you're looking for inspo, I'd love to read Mulder's thoughts as he finds and revives Scully in FTF. Probably a scenario where it's touch and go for a minute. Thank you for all the amazing fic you've written over the years. You've been extremely generous and not to mention, absolutely brilliant.

Thank you, Anon!  That’s so sweet.

Technically, I have already explored this in Quantum Leap.  But, if you want, I’ll put the story of why I wrote it the way I did and how that scene inspired me to write a 26K word fic when I hadn’t really been writing anything at all at that time.

So, I went to see the movie Interstellar when it came out and though I can’t remember what my exact thoughts were, I remember that I walked out of the movie feeling extremely frustrated and annoyed.  There was some sticking point that I know really bothered me, and I wish I could remember what it was, but I can say that I know that I felt like I didn’t like the way all the puzzle pieces of the plot were presented and the way they formed the total picture.

I also remember that it compelled me to go re-watch the XF episode Synchrony (an episode I don’t even like very much) for some detail I felt like was in conflict with my perception of the movie.

At this point in time, I hadn’t been writing anything and hadn’t written XF fanfic for a very looooooooooooong time.  Not since the early 2000s, I believe.  I don’t even think I wrote fic by the time the show ended because I’d discovered making fanvids and thought those were way more fun than writing.

But...

My indignation at the time also made me start looking into some low-level physics information and of course I ran into Einstein’s Twin Paradox.  Though my XF obsession has always been there, it’s dimmed at times, and it really started to reignite itself again.  So then I re-watched FTF.

Let me pause here and also say that when I first saw FTF, the spaceship rescue scene reminded me a lot of a scene in the movie The Abyss.  From what I recall (and I haven’t seen this movie since I was probably 8) there’s an incident that causes the female lead to drown and the male lead is fighting to resuscitate her.  There is no other threat or danger in that scene aside from the fact that she’s not breathing, and so the focus is allowed to remain completely on reviving her.  The male lead is both angry and desperate and there’s a great amount of emotional tension in that moment.  I remember seeing FTF and thinking that I wanted more desperation and anger from Mulder in that moment, like in The Abyss.  I wanted him to behave with more of the desperate irrationality like he did in Oubliette when trying to save Amy Jacobs.  Not that FTF isn’t awesome and tense, but with other imminent danger happening during the resuscitation, it doesn’t really allow for much more than urgency to be the focal point, both for the audience and for Mulder.

I had always wanted to write that scene, but to really pull Mulder out of his urgency.  And I always felt like in order to get him to that point in that moment, because of what’s going on, Scully would just have to die.  But, obviously, I DO NOT want Scully to die.  So, I would let those thoughts just die on the vine.

Now let’s cut back to all the Interstellar and physics thoughts that are swirling in my brain.  Watching FTF while that was in the back of my mind I suddenly thought, what if the way Scully dies, but also doesn’t die, is because Mulder can get pulled back in time or into a parallel universe from the ship?  But then I was like, and how do you explain that?  And I was like, yeah, I can’t possibly explain that...

What happened is that I ended up writing the scene anyway with no intention of doing anything with it because I didn’t feel like I could do anything to fix it.  I’m not a physicist, I barely understood the things I’d read when trying to come to terms with my indignation at Interstellar.

What that scene did though, was start me off in writing again.  Actually, first it started me off in reading again, and then I started writing again.  But, I’ve never left anything unfinished and in my mind, that scene I’d re-written of FTF was unfinished.  I’d return to it every so often, and also return to researching physics with no intention of trying to understand it, but trying to understand it enough that I could come up with something that would at least make sense.

It took me nearly a year to write Quantum Leap and that’s the longest I’ve ever spent on anything.  It’s 26K words and at that point, I also think it was the longest thing I’d ever written.  I ended that story feeling an immense sense of pride and accomplishment.  I don’t think it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever written, but certainly not the worst.  It was also both the easiest time I’ve had writing and the hardest.  I had such a complete vision of how I wanted things to be, but logically connecting those things felt near impossible.  

In conclusion, get yourself a movie that irrationally pisses you off and maybe you’ll start writing fanfic again for a fandom that has nothing to do with that movie.

[spencerbmhd133]

12 Reasons You Shouldn't Invest in Water Damage Restoration Service in Fort Worth

It's impressive!"Dave's reason for remaining with RMC for his long tenure is; "Although we have actually just recently started to promote these worths, we have actually actually lived them all along. Considered that, I'm not consciously familiar with them as I set about my day. Nevertheless, when I stumble upon a situation when among our values hasn't come across as strongly as it should, it will clearly stand apart to me.

It doesn't take place typically, however it has on celebration.

With this in mind, here are the leading 5 ideas for picking the most reputable and trustworthy Water Damage Repair Company: 1. Immediate and Quick Action Water Damage Repair Company should have the ability to offer you with an immediate and fast reaction as the prolonged water in your place can just worsen the scenario and get more complicated. water restoration companies.

For that reason, you ought to pick a Water Damage Repair Business that quickly responds to your scenario and reaches you in a matter of minutes. You must consider the following things: Does the Company response calls 24/7? How instantly does the Company start the fixing procedure? Do they provide reliable emergency situation services or not? 2.

In addition to these characteristics, you need to also examine how the company and its staff have actually carried out in the last couple of months. You ought to do the following to obtain more details about the Water damage repair business: Read the reviews and rankings of the water damage repair business. The number of jobs has the company finished? How has the company reacted to bad situations in the past? How knowledgeable the team of the business is? 3.

You must have detailed understanding about the staff of the business, gotten from your family and friends. 4. Inspect How They Carry Out the Process You need to constantly examine how the company offers to bring back and repair your damaged place. Price and the time considered repairing are other important elements.

If you are totally pleased with the procedure, just then you must advance otherwise another looking for the better and enhanced water damage Restoration Company must be performed. 5. Utilizing Modern and Newest Modern Methods The Water Damage Restoration Company must be utilizing the extremely newest cutting edge techniques. The drawing out of water, drying, and dehumidification of the place should be undertaken so that mold development does not take place in the near future.

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Water and fire damages are emergency situation events in one's life. Unfortunately, many of the time it accompanies no cautions - restoration process. Besides, there is no set time for these emergency situation problems to happen. Nevertheless, it is essential to stop the damage occurring due to these unanticipated scenarios of water or fire danger.

You must be thinking to make the most of your do it yourself skills however it will be challenging (restoration services). So, you must consider finding the most efficient and reliable Fire And Water Remediation provider. It will be best to connect to a specialized business in your area. However, you need to be questioning that how you can select the most trusted provider.

Budget plan is a significant factor when comparing various local fire and water damage restoration services. Ask the selected remediation specialists to send you a strategy and budget analysis. Do a relative cost analysis to see which company fits your budget plan and requirements. Dealing with insurance business for filing insurance coverage claims may offer you a headache.

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Call us at (815) 575 0568 or understand more about us on Facebook & Pinterest. restoration company in Fort Worth.

If your home has experienced water damage, you need to think about hiring a professional business for the cleanup and restoration procedure. The professionals at these business are experienced in drying out homes and dealing with mold removal. Depending on the kind of water damage, they might likewise use bleach and antimicrobial services to prevent the development of mold.

[ask-jungshook]

can i be real for a sec?? you are so amazing and im about to cry bc you're everything i wish i was. ppl love your art so much and your angst and you're so talented. you are so so talented. ok im sorry i just needed this off my chest

// OMG NOOOOOO NONNY PLEASE DON’T CRY!

For me, my ‘talent’ is probably an accumulation of ‘natural’ talent (basically your base stats in gaming terms lol), motivation, experience, practice, and personal drive.

So to get a general sense of where I’m coming from, let me tell you a story of a YOUNG DISSU and how her ‘talent’ developed. (aka my art journey LOL)

So let’s started!

Base Stats

When I first got into drawing (this was around middle school, so I was around 12 years old????), my base stat for drawing was probably a 1 out of 10 –  pretty horrible tbh because all I did was just to try and replicate my favorite mangas characters as they were drawn. (At the time I think it was Yu Yu Hakusho LMFAO). If I were to make an analogy or any type of comparison, let’s just say, my stick figures had better proportions than my actual drawings but I digress. But as much as I drew poorly, I found myself loving drawing and loving art because it was an outlet for me to relieve stress. (But looking back oh boy was I a hardcore weeaboo haha) This period of time was the time where I gave no shits if I drew poorly, I drew because I had fun and that was pretty much it. (So there was like pretty much 0 improvement since I didn’t really bother to learn anything technique-wise) 

Motivation & Practice

Around high school was when I first started digital art (I around age 16 at this time) and this was the time period when DeviantArt was the ‘go to’ place to post drawings and literature. (pretty sure tumblr and twitter didn’t exist back then and facebook like just became a thing lol) Avatar sites like gaiaonline were also super popular and filled with a bunch of talented artists. I remember distinctly being like ‘holy shit these people are so good and so talented and thinking that I could never surmount to anything like that’. But at the same time, another part of me was like AWE INSPIRED of their talent and would like obsessively see if they had any tutorials on drawing. So while yes, there was a portion of me that wanted to be like my art idols and draw the way they did, at the same time, I kinda knew in my head that that was impossible? (But it didn’t stop me from trying to emulate them) 

So while I kept on drawing because it was fun and I liked it as a hobby– BUT this time, I had people to look up to in terms of the ‘I want to draw like you’ aspect of it. They were my art idols and pretty much everything I wanted to be from an art standpoint hahaha. But those artists were my main source of motivation for wanting to improve throughout high school. So this was the period of time that other people’s art lead to me wanting to develop a better style and to improve my technique. (I drew a lot, but never really finished anything major because I was really impatient back then, but my style was HEAVILY impacted by my art idols lol – VERY VERY GRAPHIC NOVELY/DATING SIM-ESQUE)

Experience & Personal Drive

I think in recent years, I did a lot of growing not only as an artist but as a person. One thing to note about growth and  improvement is that seeing improvement/seeing growth does not happen overnight, and I took many art hiatuses during high school and most of college simply because I didn’t have time due to my course load. So after cycling through various styles, my art kinda just stagnated for a long time. At that time, it was a bit disheartening and frustrating for me, because at that point I drew for like 6 years and made like small baby steps. (I had a variety of styles, but I never really had the solid groundwork of like anatomy, how clothing works, or color theory.) So it did put a hamper down on my motivation to draw back then– simply because I didn’t think I was improving as fast as other people – which in retrospect, was mistake number one.

I also went through a pretty bad battle with depression while I was in college that ebbed down a bit, then resurfaced after I graduated (this was roughly a 3 yr span), which hindered a lot of my art growth substantially as well  because my mentality simply wasn’t there. (Music and art hold emotional ties for me, so whenever I’m depressed, everything relating to the creative side of me goes to shit and I will have 0 motivation to draw and basically just sleep all day.)

But to be brutally honest, this is where personal drive comes in. There was one day where I just had full blown out sit down with myself where I basically told myself that I was so sick of being sad all the time, so tired of just being tired, so sick of hating myself– and that I missed being happy and that I missed that sense of joy. So what did I do? I pushed myself and forced myself out of my bubble in an effort to crawl out of that pit that is depression. But one of the things that helped me the most was reconnecting with a bunch of art friends that I met online in high school on one of those avatar sites. I’m a lot stronger of a person mentally thanks to them. :) And with the help of my friends, I basically began my journey of a 360 degree change– my friends, music, art and the past depressed me were all sources of motivation for me to fight to win that mental battle against myself. (One of the things I did was delete all my social media and just start over– that way it’s easy to filter out unwanted things if you start with a blank slate. I also bought my dog around this time which helped my mentality exponentially.)

Getting started was probably the hardest part, because depression is a cycle of ups and downs– but in order to break free, YOU have to be the one to initiate change and stick to making it happen no matter how uncomfortable you may be. I understand that not everyone can be like me and resolve to do everything yourself. Some people need therapy, and some people need medication and that’s fine because as humans, we’re all different in how we cope with things. In my case, it was all about mental fortitude and my own will power. For me personally, I extended my art hiatus and took several more months off of art and just solely focused on myself and my mental health more than anything. I did a lot of soul searching during this time. Ironically, I think my main motivation for crawling out of that hell hole was just hating how much I hated being sad all the time because that’s just a place that I would never want to go back to.

And even now, it’s still a lot of self exploring of what I want for myself and understanding myself. I’m a person with many layers of personality (like an onion!) – and I’m still learning how to embrace all of those layers (even the bad ones) because in the end, your layers combined are what makes you who you are. If you try to reject a part of any layer, that’s pretty much you trying to reject a part of you– which may lead to or cause a lot of internal turmoil. (On a not so serious note, I realize this ‘layer’ thing was a totally unintentional analogy taken from Shrek, imsosorry lol)

And I just realized I took a HUGE tangent, but going back to the experience and personal drive, I think it was some time around 2016 and going into 2017 when I officially made it to be one of my goals for the new year as to get ‘better’ at art. At this point, I had like 10 years of ‘experience’ in digital art (probably a lot less if you factor in my hiatuses but I digress lol), so based off of those past experiences, I know what I’m good at and what needs improvement. (so I know where my groundwork is lacking and what I should focus on) From a mental perspective, I also understand myself more in the sense that I knew what caused mental stress on me, which in turn allows me to not put myself in uncomfortable positions mentally. At the same time, understanding myself has also allowed me to know my limits and understand how much I can push myself.

But more importantly (from an art standpoint), I’ve learned to take a lot of inspiration from other artists and a lot of art friends instead of wanting to have their style of drawing. I think it was important to me to realize and recognize that I will probably never draw like some of them (because they have a lot more experience than me), and that that should be taken as a positive thing because my art should reflect who I am. So remember that onion I was talking about? All the people I look up to and all the people who I’ve befriended through art also play a HUGE role in my many layers because without them, I personally wouldn’t have that personal drive to learn and get better. So def find something that motivates you to be a better version of yourself! (For me it’s music, books, and other people’s art!)

So going back to my main point of talent:

Don’t think of someone else’s talent as something you should replicate. Because honestly speaking, you can’t, since you literally are a different person– and no two people are the same. (Nor are two onions the same)  Instead– take an opportunity to view it as a source of motivation and inspiration to grow and foster your own talent and your own personal growth. Because talent is something you CAN cultivate into something beautiful given time and patience. (Related note: I wrote like an essay in my meet the artist link about my thoughts regarding art and improvement and about comparing yourself to other artists– dunno if that’ll help, but feel free to check it out here lol)  

It took me 12 years for my art to evolve to what it is now (I’m 24 now), and I still think I have a lot more room to grow because there was so much I missed out on when I first started out. So while yes, I would consider myself as ‘talented’, there were so many things that have attributed to and molded my base ‘talent’ from when I was 12  to what is it now. And beauty is, is that that everyone’s base stats are different– heck there are people HALF my age who draw better than I do now and that’s amazing! (Also don’t let someone’s age be a reason to put yourself down either! I personally find young artists super inspiring :’))

But honestly, the most important thing is that in the end, art should be about yourself! As I mentioned before, art and music are linked to me emotionally, so happiness is the main thing that I want my art to bring to me. You shouldn’t do things for the sake of others (like getting notes/being popular), you should do it because it makes you happy. (Because if you’re doing things for others, you’re literally putting your own happiness in the hands of other people– and it shouldn’t be that way) For me, drawing makes me happy because I like to see my progression over the years as well as that sense of accomplishment once you finish a piece.

I’m so sorry that this turned into a really long essay/rambling about my life (i tried to keep it as short as possible, but it still ended up long af weeps), but I just felt the need the type this because I’ve been in a similar position as you before. (When I first read this ask I had like a lot of mixed emotions because I was like yes, it’s a compliment, but at the same time, why do I feel really sad? lol so yeah … sorry about the wall of text)

So don’t wish you were me! LOL :’D (lol trust me bc I am far from perfect) Instead, embrace yourself, (& to paraphrase the chorus of Cypher 4)  know yourself, and most importantly, love yourself because you are ALSO a blooming talent in the garden that is life. 

:) So what I really want to see is the phrase of “you’re everything i wish i was“ turn into something like, “thanks for inspiring me to improve” or something along those lines.

As artists, we all learn off from each other. And personally, I would be honored to be some sort of inspiration to you – but as I said before, please don’t think that you’re any less than me or think negatively about yourself because you are amazing and talented in your own right! :’) And if it helps, I’ll be rooting for you to continue cultivating your own ‘talent’ into something even more spectacular! Nonny HWAITING!

Also if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me! (I hope I don’t come off as intimidating, I’m just very scatterbrained and get distracted easily lol i also apologize for any spelling mistakes in this because im too lazy to proofread lol)