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icecreamkink · 3 years

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watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD.

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo, lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass, shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is, the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’, “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it.

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out!

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha.

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying*

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE, and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof

and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. )

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :(((((((((

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf

wwx: fucking w demonic energy jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch??

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no.

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go.

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. . . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg . spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . .

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like ? ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also so thrilling (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say)

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris.

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

��when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng. being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance.

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all??? amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD.

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future

one of the ?? things i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE.

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???”

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn.

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding.

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever

BAT WEN NING

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock”

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face.

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself!

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe.

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities. *longest oh boi ever*

#m.#ANYWAY #ENOUGH TALKING #THIS IS SO LONG #LOL #but whatever this is MY performative journaling i do what i want #rambling impressions abt what i watch is a thing i do now? apparently??#cql #untamed #the untamed #fun fact that chat is named 'k keeps on babbling abt the untamed' and it STILL wasnt enough #also it took me 15 episodes to realize lwj was yibo #IT WAS V SHOCKING #i did not recognize him at a l l #but in retrospect he WAS the perfect choice

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nightswithkookmin · 4 years

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Hi!💜 Your theories about jikook not being together during a portion of the ON era are interesting. It seemed like they were vibing together in some bits we saw in that era. Like a level of intimacy and comfort (like when they 'played hide and seek' during that sirius radio interview in the states, when jk wouldnt shut up about🎶jm jm yeah jm🎶. What are you seeing that i am not?

Oh lord! Uhmm...

I honestly don't know the answer to your question quite frankly. It's not a competition is all I can say.

We see from our experiences not from our sight? From our intuition not our vision? So, I don't know. We are all experiencing Jikook differently and perceiving them differently is what I think. Some see Jikook and see two brothers, some see them and see two best friends. We see them and see two lovers. What do we see that they don't?

The answer wouldn't matter because at the end of the day, it's all just theory and opinions and not facts. Until Jikook themselves come out as LGBTQ plus and in a relationship with eachother nothing we say here about them matters.

You don't need to see what I see to have an opinion on Jikook or feel your opinion on Jikook is valid. And I don't need to convince you of my opinion for my opinion to be valid.

I am not in this to convince anyone of my opinion about Jikook. Let me set that record straight. And all these concerns about brainwashing people... how stupid do y'all think people are? Yall keep talking as if shippers are dumb and gullible and don't have the brains to distinguish between people's opinions and actual fact. That's very presumptuous, obnoxious and condescending quite frankly. People have brains you know? Chilee.

Mine is just to support Jikook the best way I can- which is to treat them as people and individuals, not fantasies. Thus, I do not want to engage in and will not engage in any argumentative discussions about what these kinds of moments are and what they mean. At the very least we can agree to disagree.

And if it's my opinion you want, I think I have already exhausted this topic across several posts so you can kindly refer to that. Quiet frankly I would rather read your opinion about the topic at this point- Jikook in that era or the era before it. So please share your thoughts as well.

My belief about Jikook don't cancel yours, nor does yours cancel mine- if it did there would be only one ship in BTS and yet here we are amongst a sea of ships all waving the 'it is real' flag.

And these moments you mention are/were very cute and honey I love them too uWu- but are they moments you consider as indicative of two people in an intimate, sexual relationship with eachother? I gotta ask.

Or did you just miss everything else that was happening within that period from their trip to New York and back to S.K?

I think the moments you mention are really cute interactions and there is even much more cuter interactions within that period- my favorite of which would be Teleporter Jeon teleporting his ass from next to Tae all the way to his man because a certain Idol behind him was getting too close- uWu!

I rate teleporter Jeon much higher on my Jikook is real assessment tab than the moments you mention because that is right of authority and claiming right there.

But the moment you mentioned, honestly if I see two people in other ships do it too I am not gonna yell they are a couple you know? And if you wouldn't consider any other ship that did that in BTS to be real too when they do it, then why ask me to believe Jikook is real just because they do these kinds of things?

I mean Jikook is also a tradship like any other ship in BTS after all. And people are going to swoon over their skinship and interactions each time and lament when they think they are not interacting or doing much skinship. But none of that is proof Jikook is real. To me.

I think a distinction ought to be made here between Jikook the tradship and Jikook the alt-ship. To see what I see in Jikook as an alt-shipper, you would have to also be an alt-shipper or at least a tradshipper with an open mind. It's as simple as that.

Jikook in On era is just the climax to a series of tensions between them starting in November 2019 that had nothing to do with Jikook as a couple but was affecting their dynamics anyway. I said I felt it was a period of JK trying to push back against the group putting a leash on them and censoring their interactions in public etc. I said I felt Jimin wasn't there with him- on the same page I mean and I tried to talk about GCF Helenski, MMA 2019 and all that Jazz.

I kept referring to JM as very Kumbaya in nature who would put the interest of the group above his or even JK's and would often shade him for it and joke about it. But after reading his Weverse magazine interview where he talked about doing things to please people because he wants to be loved- I don't find it funny anymore.

And I kept saying I felt JK was trying to assert himself against Jimin and the group. That Jikook in this period had been trying to assert themselves against eachother and against the group and I'm glad Jimin talked about trying not to be a people pleaser as much and focusing his energy on people who love him- I think I need to take his advice. I'm glad to see him show this level of growth and maturity but I don't trust him. Lol. He isn't exactly known to be one to keep the promises he makes to himself- if what the members say about him is anything to go by. Sigh. But I support this agenda. Self love is everything. You go Park Jimin!

Let's just hope he doesn't relapse because if he do he and Kook are gonna have a problem. In my opinion.

People often see JM as very nurturing of JK but JK pushes JM to be a better person too. That's one way he nurtures Jimin. And I don't have proof of this, but I believe in my heart of hearts based on everything I've seen and said so far about them, that Jikook make each other better individuals. They are perfect for eachother and I support them.

Just as JK, I think, pushes JM to be emotionally assertive, JM pushes JK to be emotionally vulnerable and less possessive- it seems of late.

If you missed all of that happening in the background then certainly On era would fly over your head too. So you can start there.

You can start reflecting on Jikook's moments as individuals who don't exist to feed ships, to try and understand the motivations behind their interactions as humans because that's what I do as an alt-shipper. And when I do and draw conclusions about them, those conclusions are not facts or meant to be. They are just my opinion. I could very much be wrong about them. But it is still my opinion. What's your opinion of them? Whatever it is, it's valid too.

Then there is the whole BigHit releasing content out of order thingy and so you would have to look at all of that and try and reconstruct those too- which is something I do a lot. It is why I haven't commented much on Jikook post JM's birthday. I simply haven't seen enough to theorize on the state of their relationship in this era. When I do I will post a comprehensive theory and analysis and ruffle some feathers while at it. Lol.

Ever wondered why in one moment JM seems to be leaning forward in their relationship, 'acting clingy," chasing JK and in the next JK is the one doing all clingy and the chasing? Their push and pull dynamics is it? Ever wondered why they have that going on with them? Or to you, that just happens?

It's not rhetorical I would like to know. Lol.

I think this trad vs Alt ship wars needs to stop. Let's stay out of eachother's business. It's not a competition. It's really not that deep. We can have our own biases but we can't battle it out with pens and keyboards because none of us know the truth about Jikook. Saying Jikook is not together is a theory just as much as saying Jikook are together. None is factual at all.

And if you believe they are together because believing they are human and can have issues will disrupt your fantasy of them then yikes- miss me with that. Tradship alert. Alexa play Jimin's sirens. Wwwuawwwuawwua. Lol.

And I get that to some people, it's their fantasies on the line, their egos on the line and they would want to protect these interests- but I'm not in the validation business. My ego is not on the line, my fantasies is not on the line. Jikook kills me as much as they heal me and guess what- I like it. Stock Holmes is real people. Lol.

Just do you. No one is right when it comes to Jikook. That's just the gist of it.

You talk about those moments as intimate... True. But intimacy to me is when Jimin, in a euphoric state turns instinctively to hug JK but stops himself as he did in the recent Grammy reaction video or even throughout the recent Runs- when he shot the hoop and won and turned around in excitement towards Kook but then didn't know what to do with himself. He is a physically affectionate person and he is used to a certain level of intimacy between him and Kook and that shows.

Intimacy is when JM reaches to kiss the top of JK's head but stops himself because he is in the middle of filming a run episode. Intimacy is JK reaching to touch Jimin in excitement, in Soop when they were playing puzzle or whatever, but stops himself because there are cameras filming.

You can't hide this kind of intimacy nor can you fake it. Your instincts will always give you away.

It's like that moment in the elevator from Bangtan Bomb when the doors were closing and Jimin was left behind and when JK noticed Jimin was not in there with them he panicked and yelled for them to stop the door from closing or something but it was too late. Probably pouted and glared at whoever didn't hold the door open for Jimin throughout that right- poor Kookie. Lmho.

Or when Jimin yelled at JK when JK was contemplating whether or not to join Jimin's team in Bon V or Run I don't remember which lol. He seemed like he had reached his limits there- now if you would excuse me, I have tears to shed.

When they exhibit these involuntary reactions in certain moments I think it speaks more of how close they really are and the level of intimacy between them not when they play hide and seek in a middle of an interview- that just shows they are goofy. It's nothing TaeJin haven't done or wouldn't do. Jin and Tae do same too. I mean they tried to kiss or whatever they were trying to do during the dynamite MV reaction VLive. I wouldn't say that is proof Taejin are dating eachother too.

But when one of them can't exercise a right of authority over the other like they often do when they are together together, or when they are not claiming eachother, minding their boundaries like they usually do most times, reassuring eachother when one of them clearly is seeking reassurance and validation or closeness or when the others around them suddenly stop respecting the right of authority either one of them has over the other- then that is a sign because all of these and a lot more I can't even get into is what makes them a couple. In my point of view and opinion.

Jikook are friends and lovers. They were friends before lovers. They were interacting and goofing around and trying to kiss and what not too when they were just friends. They were doing all of that before they starting getting into eachother- that's not a metaphor.

Unless, you mean to tell me they started dating from day dot? In which case I have no words. Skinship is not a sign Jikook is real.

Jikook is real, they try to play off most of their interactions as fanservice but they are real. And for Jimin, because 'the boy in love with the Maknae' is also a key aspect of his persona and a facade he hides behind to love JK, it's easy for him to act it up for the cameras.

Most people see this persona of Jimin too and I think it is why they dismiss his feelings for JK as bro love or even claim Jikook is fanservice. That what Jimin feels for JK is fanservice and they could be right but I just don't believe or share that view simply because I see what they see and more. You may not see that aspect of Jimin but that doesn't mean others don't. Perspective is everything.

It's why I said if you look at JM's way of expressing himself as the sole indicator that Jikook is real and prefer his way of expressing himself over that of Kookie that you've been played.

It takes two to tango. JK is part of that dynamic and he is also expressing his feelings for JM too- in a different less loud way. Jikook is not one sided. Jimin cannot be the only one carrying their relationship on his back. His feelings for Kook is not unrequited. Jimin just over expresses himself sometimes. Jk doesn't express himself enough but when he does it is much more louder and intense than Jimin- I'd say in my opinion but fuck it. I'm tired.

That kind of intimacy between Jikook is something I would consider with high regard in deciding whether or not two people are dating and not just their skinship or interactions. But to each his own.

BTS in general are a very intimate group. You can expect a certain level of closeness and familiarity between them- all of them including Jikook. But that in no way indicate they are dating eachother. Please, your honor. Thank you. Lol.

May be you should go back and reevaluate the timeline with the new content we've got and the new information and try not to latch on to the good stuff but critically examine all the questionable moments that happened within that time frame because dismissing all those clues is how Tae Kook is real and Yoonmin is real and VMin is real- ok not VMin, Tae wants him some piece of Jibooty but let's not talk about that. Lol.

If Tae kook is real it's unrequited, if VMin is real it's unrequited. If Jikook is real it's mutual and I can't be mad at that- it feels random but those who sent those asks would understand. Lol.

Keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real. By real I mean HUMAN. Deuces.

Signed,

GOLDY

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nico-idc · 4 years

Text

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

undefined

youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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flower-of-the-desert · 4 years

Note

hey, i really liked your posts about ep12, it helped me a lot to put things into perspective. i was wondering if you could share your thoughts on the 2gether finale as well, coz right now i just wanna cry im so disappointed with it =(

Aww, thank you, anon. <3

Ok so my thoughts on the finale are kind of all over the place but I’ll try to explain as best as I can and hopefully it’s gonna make sense.

Like I said, in my original post I dont love the ep but I dont hate it either. I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle. I enjoyed a lot of it - seeing all the couples progress and be happy together, Man/Type especially were just so adorable, Mil and Phukong starting to build something with each other (lil bro using Sarawat’s pick up line was a really nice touch, love that), Mil being an all around awesome supportive friend to BOTH Tine and Wat?? We love to see it. The way he turned up at the football field where Wat was being his angsty self and literally kicked his butt into taking action - *chef’s kiss*

Him and Fong are now the parents of the baby gays I dont make the rules.

Wat’s confession on stage and his song that he literally named after Tine and when he said he never confessed to Pam because he didnt know what love was before he met Tine - perfection. Absolute perfection. I’m here for it.

And Tine’s heartbreak was so well done too, I just felt so much for him.

Again, as I said, the whole thing with Pam didnt turned out exactly as I had hoped but it wasnt the worst case scenario either so I’ll take it. I’d rather have Pam making a mistake and realising it and backing off while assuring Tine that Wat really does love HIM and even though she tried Pam didnt stand a chance because it’s always gonna be Tine for Sarawat and she understands that now over her being an actual bitch who keeps trying to seperate them and uses the situation to her advantage. I mean they could have gone that way too - Pam didnt have to give Tine that recording or to tell him how Wat changed after meeting him but she did, I think, as her own way of apologizing for what she’d done. So yeah, overall, I’m fine with this.

ALSO NOBODY DIED SO THAT’S A BIG PLUS.

(History 3 MODC can’t relate)

ANYWAY, so those are the positives for me. Which as it turns out is most of the episode yay! Now onto what wasnt quite so positive.

My main issue with this episode is the resolution to Wat and Tine’s conflict. Mainly, there really... wasnt one. And I’m not talking about the physical intimacy thing, I’ll touch on that later but more importantly for the ending - the emotional intimacy. None of the problems they had were properly addressed. Tine’s insecurities were rooted so deeply that despite Wat spending 12 EPISODES doing anything and everything to show his love and adoration, Tine still couldnt really believe it. And that’s not gonna be resolved with a simple recording.

And on the other hand, can you image how all of this would make Sarawat feel? Like no matter what he does, no matter how much of himself he gives to Tine, his boyfriend still would find it easier to believe that Wat is just using him as a replacement for someone else. That’s gonna fuck with his head even if Tine came back. I really really wished they had talked at least a little about these things.

Like maybe if we didnt have half of the episode filled with pointless flashbacks there could have been time to actually talk... (tbh, part of me kind of wonders if they purposefully put in so many flashbacks to fill in the air time so they wouldnt HAVE to write those scenes which leaves me ?????).

I think I mentioned this too in the other post, but the Wat/Tine reunion echoes beat for beat the Fighter/Tutor reunion with all its issues but while WhyRU has a reason for why things turned out like that, here I just... I dont know what could have been the reason for 2gether’s writers? Unless they also couldnt film everything they wanted...

And then there’s the... “high-five controversy”, let’s call it and again I find myself in the middle of the argument. I stand by what I’ve said before about how I feel about the way they handled physical intimacy between the characters - yes, objectively and critically speaking, I’m not here for writers/directors/channel/whoever trying to censor the physical intimacy of an established couple. There is nothing wrong with two partners wanting to kiss/cuddle/have sex/etc. Sex isnt something dirty (I mean it can be depending on what you’re writing BUT THAT’S A DIFFERENT GENRE OK, we are not talking about smutty fic here cough cough) and shameful that “pure” people shouldnt be enjoying (lovely post on the topic here I was just thinking about it last night). And it’s about time show creators got with the programme, ESPECIALLY when it comes to non-straight couples.

As of ep13 it’s clear to me that 2gether went through some serious censorship - lots of people have talked about how it’s a thing that they do on this particular channel and maybe that’s all it is, I dont know. I dont want to speculate what’s been going on behind the scenes since I dont have any idea and sadly I dont think the writers will ever be willing to talk about it. I’d LOVE to hear their throughts on this matter tbh and why they decided to do things this way.

So on an objective level, this is bullshit. Subjectively, and this is where my personal opinion comes in, I wasnt as bothered by this as I normally would be because I’ve been enjoying all the other aspects of the relationship that the show successfully built up and prtrayed on screen. Does that make sense?

Specifically about the finale, though, I agree with the complains. Part of why the reunion felt so underwhelming and disappointing, I think, was not only the lack of emotional intimacy but also the hella.... awkward? physical “intimacy” they showed? The scene absolutely did call for a kiss or a hug, at the very least. Instead they were standing 2 feet apart cause... they’re not gay? I really really do not understand what happened there in that scene. I’ve seen some people mention that the finale was filmed before the other episodes so the actors werent used to each other yet and honestly I can see it - watching Tine and Wat in that ending montage felt like I was watching them at the beginning of their fake dating when both were awkward and unsure of where they stood with each other rather than seeing an established in love couple coming back together after going through something tough.

So these are my thoughts on the finale. It wasnt the best one I’ve ever seen but not bad enough to ruin the rest of the show for me (and there’s NOTHING I hate more than bad endings ruining a story I’ve fallen in love with so there’s that) and I do really love this show and its characters so much. It’s hard, even impossivle to find a perfect show from start to finish and honestly I’ve come to believe that’s not as important as what you get out of it - if the show makes you happy, despite whatever writing issues it might have, that’s the most important thing, I think. And 2gether did that for me. So I’m glad I watched it.

Omg, this got so long. Again. If you’re still with me, anon, you’re a hero. I hope I was able to help you. <3

#bl drama #2gether the series #Anonymous

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mirror-hero-mira-blog · 5 years

Text

My Story

This will be mildly depressing but its my story and why i am how i am and all ive gone through it twenty short years

So I will be twenty soon and people keep wondering and asking or praising me for surviving trauma. I’ve decided to explain in full and un censored detail my process, what i went through, my thoughts during it, the effects and how it left me. There are mentions of abuse, sexual assault, depression, domestic violence, suicide, and very dark thoughts so be warned. My memory is also unreliable as i am never sure what is real and what is not before the age of thirteen so im doing my best to recall everything in order, ages wont be exact as i try to repress and just out right can recall them.

My trauma started roughly when i was 7-9. I recall laying in bed and hearing my parents violently shout at one another, about what i cant recall, and crying because i was afraid of an unknown danger. I remember a rift being made in my house, me being lashed out at, and my mother rarely being around the house. Now before i go further i was a shy child who had little friends, i have one younger brother who is two years younger than I, most of my days, or what i can recall, was in my room reading and later playing on my ds once i got one while rarely going outside to play aka catching frogs and bugs. i dont recall much from when it started, i was a smart kid so i think i knew something was wrong but wasnt emotionally or mentally ready to deal with it.

Now, i was a big daddys girl but i also loved my mom dearly because well shes my mom. One of my clearest memories from this when i realized it wasnt right was my mom showing up to the house and me being so excited since i hadnt seen her in so long i let her in, she hugged me and my father instantly yelled at me and scolded me. i think the next thing was me being sent to my room but thats where it ends. i remember feeling so confused because shes my mom why cant she be home? why shouldnt she be allowed inside? why cant i be happy to see her? thats the last clear memory besides us getting kicked out of that house due to rent not getting paid.

I remember my mom trying to keep calm and smile and she told me “we have to keep stuff packed because we will be moving soon and need to be organized”. Looking back im really happy she tried to keep little me happy and from knowing.She may not have been the best mom but she certainly loved me then as well as my brother. When we were kicked out i recall my dad not being as in a rush as my mom, he seemed tired and to say flat out like he couldnt care less. I was packed up with a few of my things, the rest in a storage unit including my entire child hood, and moved to a different state.

Me, my family and our dog were moved in with my mothers mom who was by far not the best but i couldnt do much as i was maybe 11-13? I remember her blaming my father for things he didnt do, i remember yelling and violent arguing between my father and my moms boyfriend (my mother and father had separated if you couldnt guess), my mom in the middle yelling at them to not do it infront of the kids. Eventually we moved from there after my grandmother had called the police on them for some reason (i recall it just being a warning or something nothing serious). My mom had broken up with her boyfriend and moved with us, i shared a room with her and my brother shared a room with my father, at this point we had our original dog and 3 dog sisters who we loved dearly (we being me, my mom, and brother). i remember starting to feel what i would come to realize was the beginning of my depression as well as my anxiety, that i had since i was little, beginning to get much worse. I was bullied harshly during this time and barely got by in most of my glasses because of what happened in that house.

i dont know how long i lived in that house but it wasnt incredibly long, 2 years maybe? i know it was half of middle school there with a year or so at my grandmothers. The first little while was calm, i hardly remember much from when we moved in so im assuming it was. I recall playing wii with my mom and watching tv siting of the floor eating pizza, followed by me and my brother playing the wii version of sims ( i recall him learning how to beat the rng and us never playing again). My next clearest memory is more yelling and banging. Violence. Now i wasnt a stupid kid and was much more brazen than i am now, i was a child genius who could quickly deduce what was wrong. I would get into the arguments, stand between my mom and dad to keep him from hitting her, yell that i wouldnt move or let him touch her. yell at him so much my throat hurt. One of my most clear memories is my mom yelling at me to call the police and as i dialed she came in and locked the door telling me to just not. i checked if she was okay and recall hugging her and just siting there afraid not fully being able to understand.

At some point my dad had enough of me and my mom and threw us out of the house, throwing our things as we sat on the bed of her truck, even throwing our two of the 3 dog sisters at us while we waited for the police, now what happened after this makes me realize just how manipulated and emotionally abused i was. My dad convinced me to come home, leaving my mom at my grandmothers. he convinced me my mom was evil and manipulated me using the state i was in to take me from my mom. he talked badly about my mom constantly and eventually his girlfriend moved in. his girlfriend was as bad as him and i recall feeling unwanted. i have a scar on my arm that makes me recall how brazen and unafraid i was at times. The scar was breaking up a fight her dog had started, it attacked my dog sister and she told me to stay out of it as my dog probably started it, i got in the middle picked up her dog, it scratching me deeply across my upper arm and shoved it into her chest. i picked up my dog and took her to my room. i was still bullied during this time, faced the manipulation at home, and started becoming suicidal.

Now this next part is something im not proud of but shows just how far i was into this manipulation and how far i came. My father kid napped me. Him and his girlfriend decided they wanted to move back to her two daughters and away from my mom. my brother was apprehensive but i was a mindless puppet so i did as told as thats what i was raised to do. we packed up in a 48 hour period, me not sleeping for that entire period and were getting ready to leave. i had this large white monkey i had since i was little, it towered over me and i loved it, his name was marvin. i mentioned why we werent bringing him and that we had to because he was our family and even got a bit teary eyed over it my dad said “if you want it that bad we can leave you and dakota (my dog sister) and you can sit on your ass until your mom swings her ass around to get you”, that terrified me so i reluctantly agreed and was taken to a completely different state yet again with the question of “why would he leave me”. i recall not enjoying my time there and my father limiting my mom talking to me so much i dont really recall much more that a phone call, i was kept out of school for a while until one day police came and told them my mom was taking us back. i left with barely any of my childhood possessions yet again with my dad treating it as her taking us by force, i said goodbye to my dogs and promised i would see them again, i never did and never will.

the trip back i screamed, argued and fought my mom and not yet step father. my dad manipulated me well i guess. i calmed down when we got back to my now home state and got the last dog sister ginny, my mom asked my grandmother to watch her, and headed to my moms home. i had trouble suddenly adapting to a some what better environment where i wasnt treated like a mindless child. i was so damaged and i dont think they knew to the extent.

In these years i was verbally abused by my mom, step father, and brother but they were so much better than my dad despite it. i was reaching my peak depression and had attempted to commit suicide by this point but had failed. at some point i recall them “cleaning” my room, as due to losing nearly everything i owned i clung to things, and burning what they deemed trash it made me have a break down because well just look at what had happened previously to things i owned. in that period i was locked out in the cold, verbally and emotionally abused, treated like i was a piece of shit and that i was worthless and i believed that for so long. my brother had hit me a few times and even started encouraging my suicidal mind set, my parents (which will not be my mother and step father) said it was just him being my brother. Due to my previous trauma i was desperate for friends and to be liked and it have social interactions it led me into some very very toxic friendships and relationships. i had someone who stole my phone and said she just wanted to see what my number was, but had texted my mother iw as stay for a study session when i wasnt. i got home and was brutally yelled at for lying and they yelled the entire time while forcing me to give them all my passwords then calling me out for lying when i gave them the wrong email password by mistake. in the following time period they would check everything i owned, i had to privacy or sense of self. even to this day i hate people touching and looking at my stuff, im still so paranoid ill get in trouble for something. during this time is also when i was first sexually assaulted.

Yes that said first as it happened twice. they both abused my prior trauma that made me a selective mute that disassociates when in stressful situations. i wont go in depth but even years later i couldnt be in the same room with the first without being sick to my stomach. the second was into my junior year of highschool. between that time and the first i was emotionally manipulated, attempted suicide again and failed, became even more depressed and suicidal, and developed more toxic friendships that i now realize only hurt me as they playfully bullied me and only one of that group, who never did, remains my friend or well my best friend as she stayed by me despite not knowing any of my past. i was manipulated into entering a long distance fwb relationship that ruined a good friendship but also helped make me more stubborn towards people who tried to do that. the verbal abuse still happened during this time and my brother got to the point of doing it the worse. my junior sexual assault ended with us breaking up mutually but him getting such a hate towards me that he tried to ruin my life by turning any “friend” against me and brutally harassing me until a girl i respect so much stood up for me, shes getting married and im excited for her and happy i met her despite us not talking. half way through my junior year i began to realize how bad the people i was around most of the time were for me, so i stopped hangin out with them and started selectively being around people who engaged me in conversation and who actually included me. i was still struggling through the tail end of my suicidal spell and my awful depression as well as ptsd, having nightly flashbacks that often left my crying and having break downs where i just hated myself so much and hated that i couldnt be normal and happy and not annoy my friends with this shit, it caused me to never talk about it and it made it so worse going through it all alone with only my fucked mental state.

my senior year i gained some self confidence and started accepting myself. midway through i had a bad relapse and nearly succeed in killing myself but managed to yell at myself to not as i was holding a handful of pills to my mouth, not even an inch from it. that was my last attempt.

i struggled still, had relapses, fought with my own head without anyone knowing as it told me they didnt care and i was a burden so i should deal with it by myself as no one deserved that. i hated when who i told felt so bad for me and wished it hadnt happened because it happened and i cant change that no one can and i dont like being seen as sorry and weak.

over the years until now i tried endlessly and hard to build my self back up and gain some sense of self and try to begin my recovery.

i still relapse, i still think about killing myself, i still have massive anxiety and panic attacks. but im alive and i survived.

I count the days between relapses, it happens left often. Im covered in scars but no one can see the ones i purposefully caused anymore. I hurt and ach and want to be cared for and want to be loved and have people around me who care for me and who value me. Im working on building myself a supportive circle of friends and trying to become as stable as i can be with what i have.

My family says i dont need therapy and refuse to try to help me get it so when i move out its my first priority, i have ever lasting mental scars from my trauma that wont ever go away but im slowly learning to live with it and becoming proud of who i am.

something i forgot to mention is yes i was hit as a child. to this day i freak out and panic and will throw myself to the ground if it appears someone is about to hit me. i cant hand yelling or loud noises, im afraid of people and crowds, i have trust issues, i speech impediment, things i cant do because of the scars of my trauma.

now you may be asking how im alive? why i still keep living? how i got through this alone? honestly i cant answer the last one because i dont even know, but the first two i can roughly explain.

i didnt ever kill my self because right before i would i developed a concept of proving people wrong, that i belonged in this world as i had already survived nearly dying at 5 due to an allergic reaction. then as i got older i made the deal that if i made it to 18 that would be enough, im turning 20 soon. Now a days i have people and things to live for. When i think of killing my self i think of my friends L and M (not real names of course), i think of my dogs, my guinea pigs, my dreams, my goals, all the things i want to do. Ive become a role model to others now so i cant just die on them and give up on them. I cant help people and help others going through what i did, i cant be there for the people i care about to ensure they live and make it too, i cant be there to give them what i didnt have; someone who cared and loves them.

ive felt unloved my entire life and it hurts knowing the people who are supposed to love you apparently dont if they do what they do. it hurts seeing people going through what i went through because i know how much that hurts and how over bearing it can be. My trauma made me not want to make the same choices and hurt others in the way they ones who hurt me did. It made me not want to bring life into this world unless i was sure i wouldnt make the same mistakes. It made me crave to be loved and have people by my side and it gave me a weird but reasonable goal: Live a life i can be truly happy and safe in, a life without fear.

i still struggle daily but im getting by and im getting there, im trying to become someone who i can be proud of, someone who can and will make a difference even if its saving one person.

i fight every day to live and have been for a while, hell i cried on my 18th birthday because well i didnt think i would last that long or be alive to see it.

Im alive, and i will continue to be to show others facing and feeling what i have felt that you can do it. you can live and thrive and fight for your life and end up better than you are or were and better than those who hurt you. Ill stay alive to act as a pair of open arms to those who are in my place, to give them someone who cares, to teach them they dont have to do it alone or hate themselves for wanting to depend on others.

Im here because i feel i need to be to break the cycle and prove i deserve to live as do they and as do you.

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gamestudio · 8 years

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Kenny Nunez Reading Response 3

Reading Warren Spencer's perspective coincides with similar feelings I have. The enjoyment and popularity of "Do What You Want" games is something I like despite never taking full advantage of such features, I rarely attack random people in "Grand Theft Auto" or do any of the added mini games such as golf and racing, but giving the option to do so is something that must be commended. While ive never had a game tug at my heart strings ( perhaps im a heartless bastard ) I hear stories and through the power of "YouTube", can see other people take an emotional reaction to games from "Telltale's Walking Dead" to "Uncharted 3: Drakes Deception" and see how an emotional impact/bond can be had when the character or story is crafted well. Although people say an emotional impact is something amazing, its quite a vague statement, I mean, how many times can we recount getting completely enraged by something, rage is an emotion last time I checked, loopholes.

Dr Ray Muzkya's foundation of "make it as best as possible" is something alot of people should listen to more. Nowadays we can probably name plenty of games or companies that either released games unfinished and planned to patch it later ( Final Fantasy 15, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5, The WarZ which was re-branded to Infestation Survival Stories ), focused on graphics rather than gameplay ( inFamous Second Son, Assassins Creed Unity ), or just lost sight of what there franchise was suppose to be ( Resident Evil 6, Dead Rising 4, Saints Row 4 ). Other factors beyond the control of the developers making the best that they can is localization, many games are altered when brought over to other territories, essentially censoring the game from what it originally was and its different per territory such as: America usually sees censorship of sexual content in Japanese games usually citing "it wouldnt fit the rating" or "well its too weird/sexual/perverted", it was in there to begin with so why remove it, examples being ( Fire Emblem Fates, Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE, Bravely Second, Star Ocean 5 ), although sometimes it can be weird cases, such as "Dragon Ball Fusions" censoring swords with sticks or "Tales of Berseria" censoring a scene with violence towards a child, only to leave the character's journal depicting the uncensored scene. Japan sees censorship in games when it comes to violence or flat out nudity, examples being ( Resident Evil 7,Nioh, Grand Theft Auto 5, The Witcher 3 ). Any number of factors could get in your way of making something to the fullest you want.

Dan Daglow's idea of "remember to do what you love and not focus on fame and glory" is something people still have an issue understanding. To put it bluntly, no one can just get fame for doing nothing or by half assing it unless receiving infamy and scorn is ok with you. Quick example being an indie studio by the name of "Digital Homicide" who tried every dirty tactic in the book to make a quick buck and defended their creations as if they were the next biggest innovator. It also speaks to how people feel they can come into a large medium such as video games and think they can speak whatever lies or venomous drivel to people and think they deserve fame for it as if they are doing what no one ever tried, trying to sell you metaphorical snake oil and persuade others they are the ones being harmed if someone comes to disprove them, case and point, Anita Sarkeesian. An example of a dev team going through great lengths for their creation is SEGA for the "Yakuza" franchises, having a dev team that wanted to go out of their way to make a game that took many efforts to persuade the higher ups of SEGA such as: its gonna be an adult game ( SEGA focuses on children ), its gonna be about the crime underworld ( SEGA wants a wide appeal ), its heavy in its Japanese influences ( SEGA wants a world wide market ), they needed to constantly ask for more money do to development struggles ( They were quoted saying the higher ups were legitimately furious and were never madder since ).

Alan R Moon discussing how people should expose themselves to as many games as possible to see many influences/perspectives is very good advice. I generally focused on established games/companies or what friends recommended and highlighted by the media, it wasnt until high school where i went into " just play anything that looks good, review scores be damnded " mode, and found alot of franchises that pulled me and were way more fun and entertaining than what the general media consensus would describe. The "Hyperdimension Neptunia" franchises was berated for being a boring, cutesy, sexual, obscure JRPG franchise that was meant to parody the video game industry, when I played it I found it to be fun ( it can get repetitive though, very well written humorous parody of the video game industry, even getting little details down such as having character's reflect appearances and at times attitudes of the real life equivalence they were meant to represent while also joking about them. Some quick examples being, a character representing the SEGA Genesis/Megadrive being an absolute bitch towards the Nintendo character to represent how hard SEGA went into bashing Nintendo in the 90s, or villains representing different aspects of gaming such as: cheating/cheaters, piracy, corrupt journalist who do mean well, greedy business suits, dead/forgotten consoles, etc. Another franchise I found that the media would boil you alive for playing is the "Senran Kagura" franchises, a franchise built upon a single quote by the director "what would boobs jiggling in 3D look like?" and that led to the first game on 3DS, being an action brawler series that loves to focus on sex appeal but is still fun to play ( wouldn't consider it the best but better than most ), and with surprisingly good writing. To sum it up, exposing yourself to many franchises is always great, even the worst of games can teach you "ok, DONT do that", and some games could even be hidden gems that receives undeserved hate based on first appearances.

Bill Roper's advice is the usual "you need to practice in order to get good" but, the added part of messing with the game's rules makes that advice more interesting. Many games nowadays either support the idea of people modifying their games or having a level builder in the game itself, such as "inFamous 2" and "inFamous Festival of Blood", the latter being the mission editor I dabbled in and had fun with making simple levels and spending hours making more "complex" ( complex in making it, not so much in how they play out ) even having a creepy fanboy/fangirl who refused to leave me alone on Playstation Network. On the side of messing with rule sets, theres more famous examples such as "Nuzlocke" for the Pokemon franchises or never speed running games, one that lies in more infamy would be " Level 1 Critical" for "Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix", "Birth By Sleep Final Mix", and "Dream Drop Distance", a built in feature allowing you to never gain experience throughout the game and is exclusive to the hardest difficulty setting provides a pretty insane challenge that also highlights how good the gameplay is otherwise it would be impossible ( dont ever do this, its not worth it ). Messing around with how a game is meant to be played can not only make things more fun but also show you a different side to the game and revealing features/exploits you might not have ever known about or just provide a new challenge to how you would normally do things letting you see everything inside and out.

#KN #RR3 #submission

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