#i was gonna type something mean here but i have to hope that my fuckups and failures will not be for nothing

[welcometogrouchland]

Absolutely fascinating to be in the middle intersection of knowing that Thing is really popular, and that because Thing is popular there's a fair bit of vocal backlash to thing (because people are very mad Thing is popular when they don't like it) and you find yourself running through the unpleasant takes (not bad, just not what you're here for) from people who don't like Thing like snow white running through the scary fucked up forest until you finally find the fucking cottage where people who like Thing talk about Thing. Then you pass out in the cottage and when you wake up a bunch of small and opinionated creatures still carrying their burdens from the content mine arguing about Thing and also now your presence in relation to Thing bc you were clearly fleeing from the bad takes forest. This metaphor isn't what I wanted it to be but you get the idea

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #239

Thur Dec 17 2020 [10:52 PM] Umbramatic: :O [10:52 PM] Wack'd: I'm gonna guess Batman. You'd never expect that

[10:53 PM] Umbramatic: its the spanish inquisition [10:54 PM] Wack'd: So this mystery guest is a woman with short black hair, having come to see the Four all the way from Arizona on a matter of life or death. She also mentions in thought balloons that

"It's been so long--so many years since we last saw each other. I wonder if he ever thinks of me--of us."

[10:55 PM] Bocaj: I don't think I know of anyone with black hair [10:55 PM] Wack'd: Lucky for her, especially given it's the dead of night, the Four's little corner of the Baxter now has a receptionist. Uh. Kinda.

[10:57 PM] Wack'd: Reed meanwhile has been up for three days straight trying to fix the current Ben related-fuckup. He blamed himself, of course. Sue tries to reassure him that Ben probably doesn't hold him accountable [10:58 PM] Wack'd: Huh!

[10:58 PM] Wack'd: You know what? Fair dues. I did not see this coming. [10:59 PM] maxwellelvis: Doctors Hate Her! [10:59 PM] Bocaj: I always thought of Aunt Petunia not appearing until later [10:59 PM] Bocaj: In my mind she was sort of a the ghost for a while in the sense of sir not appearing [10:59 PM] Wack'd: I mean hey, twenty years is a hell of a while. [10:59 PM] maxwellelvis: As an aside, from what I remember of Ben's wedding, it looks like Aunt Petunia started aging in real time as if the Four had gotten their powers NOW as in 1982 [11:00 PM] Wack'd: "Doctors Hate Her!" Funny you say that max because Ben describes Petunia as a "genuine country doctor." [11:00 PM] maxwellelvis: Ha! [11:01 PM] Wack'd: So Petunia meets the gang. Sue mentions she was expecting someone older, which Petunia takes in stride [11:02 PM] Wack'd: It turns out Petunia married into the family. She, uh. Well. [11:02 PM] Wack'd: Ben's Uncle Jake got into an auto accident, which killed his wife. Petunia, then a student nurse, became his medical student, and then his wife. [11:02 PM] Wack'd: That...sure is a course of events! [11:03 PM] Bocaj: 😬 [11:03 PM] Bocaj: That feels like it fits into a trend with Byrne [11:03 PM] Wack'd: Doesn't it just. (Though I will again point out he is not responsible for Sue having been creepily young when she and Reed hooked up. That's Lee.) [11:04 PM] maxwellelvis: I can see why Slott decided to retcon Aunt Petunia into the grandmotherly type for the wedding. [11:04 PM] Bocaj: Oh now I know where MCU Aunt May has absorbed life force from [11:04 PM] Wack'd: So the "life or death" matter involves her home out in Arizona with Jake. The whole town is in danger of being "frightened to death." [11:05 PM] maxwellelvis: So call Mystery Incoporated [11:05 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh wait, this is 1982, Mystery Inc.'s broken up. [11:06 PM] Wack'd: So. Uh. This is Uncle Jake.

[11:06 PM] Wack'd: And this is Aunt Petunia.

[11:07 PM] maxwellelvis: Yeah, she'd have to have a few more gray hairs than that if she's known Ben since he was a boy, I think. [11:07 PM] Wack'd: She does not seem to have. [11:08 PM] Wack'd: So the Four arrive in Benson, Arizona, and the narration informs us that Ben had been the only one who approved of Jake marrying Petunia, and. [11:09 PM] maxwellelvis: That's what all the instances of Ben invoking her name had led me to believe. [11:09 PM] Wack'd: Look I want to take for granted this is messed up and move on but the damn book seems dead set against me doing this. [11:10 PM] maxwellelvis: Well, anyways, I guess that means we've hit the OTHER side of John Byrne's run. [11:10 PM] maxwellelvis: Aspect, perhaps [11:10 PM] Wack'd: Sue mentions we don't know much about Ben's past. Ben says his mom and died died when he was a teen and Jake raised him. [11:10 PM] Wack'd: (We don't really know much of Reed's past at this point, though I am given to understand this will also change in the near future.) [11:11 PM] maxwellelvis: This part is just Byrne telling Steve Gerber he can fuck off. [11:11 PM] Wack'd: Gerber, I assume, would instruct Bryne to get in line. [11:12 PM] Wack'd: Racism? Anyone want some racism? Anyone think what this story could really use, right about now, is some racism?

[11:13 PM] Bocaj: Eesh [11:13 PM] maxwellelvis: (Gerber I think was one of the first writers to use the "Ben grew up on Yancy St." backstory) [11:14 PM] maxwellelvis: (Unless he didn't write that issue of Marvel Two-In-One, in which case it would probably be Roy Thomas that Byrne was dismissing here) [11:16 PM] maxwellelvis: (I would look this up, but I physically cannot get to my Essential 2-in-1 collection atm) [11:16 PM] Wack'd: So Ruth's child assistant(?) Wendy is upset that Ruth, rather than just appreciating the arrowhead, started a whole excavation. She has fond memories of this place because when her mom was sick they'd come to the site and collect rocks and whatnot. [11:16 PM] Wack'd: So that's not ominous.

[11:17 PM] Wack'd: We skip forward to that night, where two of Ruth's more non-child students are doing some late-night archeology. A mist comes at them and then BAM! Scared to death! [11:18 PM] Wack'd: MEANWHILE IN THE HIMALAYAS [11:19 PM] maxwellelvis: I was putting something in the oven, thinking "Oh man, it better not be the Miracle Man again" and then we cut to the Himalayas [11:19 PM] Wack'd: Quicksilver has been fighting some kind of war, apparently, while Crystal--suffering complications from a half-mutant half-Inhuman pregnancy--is being treated by whoever this guy is.

[11:20 PM] Wack'd: Pietro here is apparently the only guy in all of Attilan who's not come down with some sort of mysterious disease. [11:20 PM] maxwellelvis: He looks like the Leader, if the Leader was slowly turning into a raisin. [11:20 PM] Wack'd: And Attilan is being destroyed, leaving Pietro as their only hope. [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh yeah, he just looks like the PICTURE of health here, don't he [11:21 PM] Umbramatic: gfrtvtigyhhuihjio;opkp [11:21 PM] Bocaj: The funny thing is that mutant and inhuman genes apparently cancel out [11:22 PM] Bocaj: Or Crystal and Pietro won the silliest genetic lottery [11:22 PM] Wack'd: Back in Arizona, Reed is having no luck cracking the case, while Frankie and Wendy get some bonding time in

[11:23 PM] Wack'd: So, uh. Because this story just did not have enough going on, it turns out Wendy's dad is beating her. [11:23 PM] Umbramatic: oh [11:24 PM] Wack'd: Frankie tries to intervene but Wendy begs her to back off, so she figures there's nothing to be done and leaves. [11:24 PM] Bocaj: Comic are you sure you're up to this content [11:25 PM] Wack'd: I feel like Reed should be caught a bit more flatfooted by someone he looks up to intellectually telling him he can't fix things with guesswork.

[11:26 PM] Wack'd: Sue and Ben want to take action of some kind but Reed points out that, uh, they can't really punch their way out of this one. [11:27 PM] maxwellelvis: I'd make more scooby-doo jokes, but John Byrne deciding to put a Very Special Episode in here has kind of made that feel... not so fun anymore. [11:28 PM] Wack'd: That night, Wendy sneaks out of her house to go talk to the mists. Turns out that’s who her wonderful friends are. [11:30 PM] Wack'd: I think she wants to beg them for mercy? The narration boxes get kinda cryptic. Anyway if that's what she's done, it reeeaaally doesn't work.

[11:30 PM] Wack'd: "What was that about not being able to fight our way out?" [11:32 PM] Bocaj: I think Slott revisited some of this [11:32 PM] Bocaj: I vaguely remember mists and gremlins when Franklin and Valeria were staying with aunt petunia post wedding [11:33 PM] Bocaj: But as it was the same story where Sue made Doom naked on a live broadcast the details escape me [11:33 PM] Wack'd: So on top of these weird things the entire town is now also set on fire and also in a giant windstorm. The Four put out the fires but the damage is done and most of the town decides to evacuate. [11:33 PM] Umbramatic: oh yes that one [11:35 PM] Wack'd: what the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK

[11:36 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh of COURSE Byrne has Reed sympathize with an abusive parent. [11:37 PM] Wack'd: Okay so for starters, because this is the thing I'm the least mad about, everything about this resolution is fucking nonsense. We know basically nothing about any of the other people who got "frightened to death" and so as the readers had no ability to draw upon our own knowledge of their morality or why they might not be able to handle seeing visions of their worst selves. [11:37 PM] Wack'd: From there we get to the fact that, for all the ways Ruth and Reed protested earlier, this is a massive pile of assumptions with absolutely no backing in fact or evidence. [11:37 PM] Umbramatic: geez [11:38 PM] Wack'd: Speaking of Ruth, she said that the arrowhead was crucial, and Ben speculated that may be the excavation released the spirits and they needed to be re-buried. They don't out right say it, but this may as well be a "ancient Indian burial ground" plot. [11:39 PM] Umbramatic: yeesh [11:39 PM] Wack'd: And from there we get, yes, Reed saying that their job is not to judge people, therefore they can't do anything about an abusive parent. Which is frankly just moral cowardice and also really gross. [11:40 PM] maxwellelvis: And also a grim portent of things to come in this era. [11:41 PM] Wack'd: And so the story ends, with. I think the implication is that Wendy asked her "friends" to take care of her dad for her? Which is okay, I guess, but doesn't really fix the way everybody else reacts to this.

[11:42 PM] Wack'd: The story is also just plain all over the place. There's absolutely no reason for the characters who get the Four involved in the plot to be Ben's Aunt Petunia--except-- [11:42 PM] Wack'd: Oh. The whole town got judged. [11:43 PM] Wack'd: Did John Bryne really just write a plot where a bunch of cosmic arbiters of justice basically give the okay to marrying your student [11:43 PM] maxwellelvis: RED FLAG [11:44 PM] Wack'd: This a lot, huh. [11:45 PM] Wack'd: Well, maybe whatever Inhumans nonsense is going on will help clear my head.

[psycho-slytherin]

Strangers ch. 34

Yoongi finds your phone– and so does someone else...

Pairing: Yoongi x (female) Reader

Word count: 1.8k

Genre: fluff, angst

|mlist|

<–– Prev   Next ––>

You force a laugh. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t lie to me, y/n,” Yoongi says softly, his voice a knife in your back. “These– Jesus.” He exhales sharply as your phone buzzes again, again, again. You would’ve turned your notifications off months ago, but you need Twitter for your jobs. “How long has it been like this?”

@satanhasaholdoffrance: hey @yourname make like a tree and die

@queenynuwu: I hope y/n knows we love her!! <3 @yourname

@gummyyoongi: has anyone found @yourname‘s address yet?

“I don’t know what you mean,” you reply stubbornly. You don’t want your weight on Yoongi’s shoulders, not when you know he’ll blame himself.

“Bullshit. You said this wasn’t happening! You told me that my fans weren’t coming after you.”

“And you never checked,” you reply, your throat tight. “You know what I am. I’m a liar. And you trusted me– that’s your mistake.”

Yoongi flinches. “I know you don’t mean that.”

You begin trembling, your hands and arms and shoulders tensing against your will. “You shouldn’t trust me, Yoongi.” I’ve kept too many secrets from you.

“Well, I do trust you. I know you too well, y/n, and you don’t mean that. But this?” He taps your phone. “This is messed up.”

You take a step back, shrinking into yourself. “I-I’m sorry.”

“What? No. Why are you apologizing?” Yoongi gets up and walks towards you, his eyes intense. “My fans– the stuff they’re saying– that’s what’s messed up. And y/n, I’m so, so sorry this happened. You don’t deserve it.”

“I, uh...” you mumble, confused. Why isn’t he angry at you? You lied to him, again and again and again. “Sorry...”

Yoongi sighs, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. “What are you even apologizing for?”

“I don’t know!” You cry. “I thought you’d be mad at me!”

“I’m not mad at you, y/n-ie.” Yoongi raises his arm and brushes a loose strand of hair out of your face. “I’m just worried. The comments you’re getting, the haters... they’re too much for anyone.”

Your mind drifts to the nightmares, the thoughts that your hate comments have inspired within you.

Yoongi’s gaze darkens, but he’s not looking at you– he’s staring far off, at something beyond. “I’ve seen idols, trainees– friends– that internalized those things, and they didn’t see an escape... no one is equipped to deal with this shit alone, no one.” Yoongi swallows, and his voice wavers. “So don’t try, y/n. You’re not alone, and I can’t lose you.”

You blink hard before drawing back and punching Yoongi in the arm.

“Ow!” Yoongi yelps, rubbing his arm. “What the hell?”

“That’s for being dramatic,” you say, using all your willpower to keep your voice light. “And this–” you poke him in the ribs– “is for being selfish. I don’t wanna lose me either, nerd. It’s not all about you.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Yoongi laughs. “My bad, I almost forgot that you’re a force to be reckoned with.”

“Just don’t let it happen again,” you sniff haughtily.

“I won’t, promise. Hey, do you need a lift to your next job?”

“Nah, I’ll take the bus. I’m not famous like you,” you reply. Besides, you want to be alone with your thoughts.

“Suit yourself. I have to go to the studio anyways.”

“Another BTS comeback already?” You muse, and Yoongi winks.

“Nope.”

~~~

Once Yoongi leaves, you wriggle into another sweater and shrug your coat on over it. You can’t help but feel chilly lately, and you can’t afford to get a cold.

You leave your apartment building and quickly walk towards the bus stop. Your afternoon will be spent on a photoshoot for a new makeup line, and Lisa said you’d be able to keep some of the merchandise.

You adjust your face mask and pop in your earphones, your mind a whirling dervish of thoughts. You imagined Yoongi would be furious– after all, you’d promised no more secrets. You couldn’t help but keep your Twitter mess to yourself, because you didn’t want your friend to stress about it.

Friend... the word seems strange to you, almost wrong.

Well, we’re ‘dating’ now, you think, so I guess he’s my fake-boyfriend instead.

It’s weird; for years you were completely in love with Yoongi, besotted with his face and voice and laugh and lyrics. His shy, goofy nature. His irresistible charm. You remember when you and Lisa would scream together at every new music video, each concept photo, any hint or clue or theory. It seems so long ago now.

Speaking of Lisa... your phone begins buzzing with a call from your manager/friend.

“Y/n, darling, how are you doing? How’s the leg?”

“All healed up now,” you reply, flexing and unflexing your left leg. You lost a lot of blood, but your injury missed all the arteries and important stuff.

“Great. Hey, I lined up a job, it’s yours for the taking if you’re interested. They need an extra in a cologne commercial, it should only be a two-day shoot and we can plan around Moon Over The Sea. What do you think?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” you murmur absentmindedly. “How much does it pay?”

“Pretty well, your cut would be only a little less than you’re making on the makeup shoot today.”

“Alright, sign me up.”

“Great. And... how’s it going with Yoongi?”

You jolt. “What?”

“C’mon, y/n, you can’t expect me not to ask. You’re dating your idol!”

“I-I’m not, really...”

“Oh, shush. It’s official, isn’t it? BigHit confirmed it last week. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were together!”

You grit your teeth– you have to tell her the truth. “Lisa, seriously, it’s not real.”

“I know, I bet it totally feels like a fairy tale, huh? I’m so jealous.” Lisa’s voice gets quieter, pouty. “We have to hang out soon, it’s been ages since we’ve had a proper gossip sesh!”

“But...”

“No buts! I’m ordering you as your manager to hang out with your best friend... who is also your manager... who is also me.”

You can’t help but laugh. “Yes ma’am, just pencil me in.”

“Will do! See you soon.”

“See ya.

Humming to yourself, you continue your bus ride, arriving at the studio a few minutes early. A fashionable young man strides up to you bearing shorts and a shirt.

“Ah, you’re here. L/n y/n, right? Perfect, perfect, put these on and we’ll get you straight into hair and makeup.”

“Uhh...” you examine the outfit he gave you. “Are you sure this is for me?”

“Of course I am, what are you talking about?”

“It’s black, these shorts are made of leather, and...” you trail off, gulping. “It’s all very tight.” That’s right, clothes like these will only hug the curves you don’t have. You’re not a sex icon like some of the female idols you’ve seen Yoongi with on TV. You know as someone in the entertainment industry, you’re supposed to be fashionable– but you’re too much a fan of oversized sweaters and soft pants to let them go. “I don’t know if this outfit suits me.”

“Nonsense, you’re beautiful– you just need the confidence! Besides, you’re gonna have to get used to this type of stuff if you want to get anywhere in your career,” the man chuckles. “Changing room is over there. When you’re ready, head to hair and makeup.”

“R-right,” you mumble, taking the clothes. They look so cold, you shiver just thinking about putting them on.

Ten minutes later, you stare at yourself in the mirror. Staring back at you seems to be a child, a little girl who doesn’t belong, who can barely fill out the tight crop top or shorts. And you’re supposed to be dating Yoongi? You don’t know if you want to laugh or cry. Yoongi deserves better, someone prettier, smarter, who looks like they belong at his side. In your mind’s eye, you can see Yoongi next to you in the mirror– black-haired, a brow raised, his mouth quirking upwards in a lazy smirk. He looks like a prince, a god, and you look like you’re playing dress-up next to him. No wonder so many people are upset; you’re doing Yoongi no favors by being with him.

You sigh and shake your head. You’re cold, so cold, and you hate it. You turn away from the mirror to get your hair and makeup done.

“Okay, can you give me a little lip bite? Something cheeky? Oh, perfect! Yes, hold like that!” The camera flashes while you sit frozen in place. “Cross your legs now, hold the lipstick closer to your face... can you give me bedroom eyes?”

Face flushed, you lower your lashes and pout your lips like you’ve seen real models do, and the camera flashes again and again. The lipstick you’ve got on is a brighter red than you’ve ever dared to wear, and combined with the outfit and your bold eyeliner, you look a little edgy.

“Great, y/n, you’re doing wonderfully. We need one more photo for the spread...” the photographer looks around the photo studio, which is a rather minimalist set. “Can someone get me that chair? Y/n, sit on it backwards and try for a smirk– like an ‘I’m-better-than-you’ face.”

But I’m not. Still you try, channeling your inner Seokjin as you fix the camera with your best downward stare, and then half smiling as though you’ve got a secret– which you do, too many to count. Half a dozen shots later, you’re dismissed with the promise that the money will be wired to your account by Friday.

The next morning, you wake up to the familiar buzzing of your notifications, again and again and again. You haven’t overslept, have you? No, your clock informs you that it’s not even six AM. You groan and flip your phone over to read your new mentions.

@beautyoftheseoul: Check out our new line of matte lipsticks, modeled by #MoonOverTheSea’s @yourname!

@chimyoongles: Omg @2460sunshine did you see that @yourname liked a yoongi thirst tweet? Lmaooo I’m dying she’s rly all of us

@scarletwitchisjunghoseok: I think I love @yourname now that she’s exposed herself as an army lololol

@captainkookie21: why are ppl stanning @yourname for her fuckup lol it just goes to show what a liar and a slut she is.

You blink sleepily. You liked a tweet about Yoongi? You’ve been careful about doing that ever since you became a public figure, in case Yoongi noticed. You tap through your likes and gasp:

@slutfordionysus: rt if you want Suga to crush you between his thighs, like if you want him to use his tongue technology on you ;)

Oh, fuck. You never liked that. You’ve never even seen that tweet. Which means... you’ve been hacked?

[lore-a-lie]

Bonus Chapter: Courting Disaster

Love Hotel

He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. There was no getting around that fact.

Monokuma caught him in a moment of weakness, and he was an idiot for letting his loneliness overtake him. This was no way he should be “reaching out” to others. He knew this wouldn’t solve anything.

The bear told him that if all went well he’d be the only one to really remember this. That throws a lot of suspicion over how “consentual” anything in this love hotel can be. As if anyone would ever want him.

But if his partner really wanted to go that far what was he supposed to do? He wanted some connection sure, any type he could get his hands on like a miserable thief, but not like this. And the last thing he wanted was to make someone else here miserable. None of them deserved that.

Except Korekiyo, but if that’s who he found on the other side of the door it would be an entirely different story.

Monokuma claimed he couldn’t move bodies after all. So if that bastard showed his face no one would need to suffer a trial until at least three people who “visited” this place found him. Two visits minimum.

More than enough time for him to make his peace so he could confess. He was ready for any execution Monokuma could give him after all. Being here has already been a reprieve from what he deserved.

Attacking him like this would be underhanded sure, but it’s not like his “victim” hadn’t done the same. Any guilt he felt for thinking this way was easily outweighed by not recognizing the threat that he was.

In some sick way that was who he was hoping was waiting for him in that room now. At least then he wouldn’t have to put his morals against someone else’s “fantasy”.

But of course he wouldn’t be that lucky. In some sicker sense he turned out even luckier.

Because when Ryoma Hoshi opened that door it was Kaede Akamatsu sitting on that tacky bed.

He should have walked away, but he didn’t. Out of everyone she was the person he least wanted to cause any trouble for, and he definitely couldn’t take knowing he ruined her night on a whim.

She was in her normal clothes again, and considering how short her skirt was he wasn’t sure if this was meant to be a gift or a curse. So he chose not to think about it, and let the awkward silence stay.

Girls are unpredictable after all, and while he’s obviously both under qualified and undeserving the least he could do is try to fit whatever ideal fantasy was in her head to the best of his ability. With some limits.

There was no way in hell he was low enough to let things go too far now. She deserved a lot better.

The silence clearly wasn’t actually doing Kaede any favors as it looked like the longer he kept quiet the more nervous she was becoming. Unless this too could be part of her “fantasy”? Girls can be weird.

“U-Ummm… Do you remember what today is?” She began when the pause got to be too much to bear.

Okay, that’s pretty tame. I mean she’s gotta know where she is, and it’s probably not her birthday. My girl used to tease me about how guys never remembered the important dates or milestones. Maybe her fantasy is just being in a long term relationship? Boy that’s cute. But it suits her. Sweet, simple, earnest.

“Oh? And I here I was hoping you forgot or I got the date wrong. I mean, it’s our anniversary right? Didn’t really find the time to get you anything though, sorry. It kinda snuck up on me.”

“Y-you remembered?” (What? Was I supposed to not know it? I thought girls normally prefer “reliable” guys. Unless she prefers them to be the sort she can help build up into that. Like Shuichi was. Oh well.)

“Was I not supposed to?” he tried asking with what he hoped came across as a smug smirk. It wasn’t like he could really backpedal now right?

“Sorry, it’s just my friends told me boys could get kinda forgetful about these things.” She answered with a blush as she scratched at her cheek in embarrassment. But she wasn’t unhappy about this. Good.

“They’re probably not wrong, but it depends on the guy I’d think.”

“Then I guess I’m one of the lucky ones!” (GOD WHY IS SHE ALWAYS SO CUTE? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad one anymore, what’s wrong with me?)

After taking a moment to let out some nervous giggles Kaede straightened herself out to ask him a question. One that must have been pretty serious to have her worked up like this.

“It’s okay to not do presents or anything I think. But since it’s our anniversary… I want you to say it, Ryoma…” (Uh oh. Okay. This can’t be too hard, right? What could she possibly want a guy to say here?)

“... I love you?” (Ooookay, no that was not the right answer. Great going Ryoma. But damn if that look on her face isn’t worth it. Geez even her little cowlick is so frazzled it’s practically heart-shaped.)

“W-w-what?!” Kaede’s face was nearly the same red as the cheesy lighting as she tried to recover.

“Sorry, did you want me to say something else?”

“W-well, I mean… I’m not complaining, but it’s not what I was expecting. It’s nice to hear though! Since I was the one who confessed to you and all.” Despite her teacher-like pose she was still redder than a beet.

Ryoma swallowed a bit as he ran through his options. (It’s not like she’d remember this, so why not play along with it? We’re just talking, so it should be harmless. So why not be a bit more honest to yourself?)

“It’s true enough. I still have no idea why you kept chasing after a guy like me anyway.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that! I mean, we’ve been together this long.”

“Just pointing out the obvious sweetheart. You coulda done a lot better than a guy like me.”

There was a distinct gasp as Kaede’s face flushed. For a horrifying second Ryoma worried he’d broken her out of the dream before he realized this was a good thing. (Okay, found it!... What did I say though?)

“... Can you call me that again?”

“You mean “sweetheart”?”

If it was possible her face got even redder as she covered her face with her hands and started kicking her legs like some giddy little kid. (WHY DOES SHE KEEP ACTING SO CUTE?! IS THIS MY PUNISHMENT NOW?)

“This… is the first time you’ve called me something other than just Kaede.”

My heart can’t take this. I’m pretty sure if she gets any sweeter I’ll get diabetes. I know I don’t deserve this. I never will again. I gave all this up a long time ago, so why do you have to keep taunting me like this?

“So, you want me to get in the habit of calling you by a pet name? Do I get one too?” He asked, playing the part of confident naive brat best he could as he teased her a bit. Heaven knows how long it’s been since that stupid cocky kid and everyone he loved died over some dumb bet. But no one else will now.

“Hey, no fair! How come I’m the only one embarrassed by all of this?”

Before Ryoma could come with any response Kaede turned and tried to take him into her arms, which considering their height difference ended up causing her to lose her balance and practically pin him to the bed. Which was marginally less embarrassing than him being treated like a weird teddy bear. Again.

Okay please no gross thoughts, that’s not allowed here. Definitely not in this position. Damn tall people. Well, okay she’s not really that tall. Still, nearly everyone’s “tall” compared to me.

“Uh, sweetheart? You gonna let me up now or…”

Kaede looked nearly as mortified as Ryoma felt, but she didn’t seem like she was going to be moving. (Great. Now how am I going to get out of this? No matter what she thinks she wants, nothing is going to happen here tonight. End of story. Even I’m not that much of a fuckup, I haven’t fallen that far just yet.)

“... Ryoma?”

“Yeah?”

“Hug me.”

“O-okay.” (This isn’t taking advantage of anything right? She’s not against hugs, no real harm done.)

“More like this…” She whispered as she positioned herself so she was genuinely holding Ryoma, and tightened her grip. (Easy for you to say, your arms reach all the way around and then some. Tallll people.)

He really tried not to think about where the way she moved him left him in regards to her body. Not the easiest thing to do, with her heartbeat hammering in his ears, but he did the best he could.

“Can you hear my heartbeat?” (I REALLY WISH I COULDN’T RIGHT NOW SWEETHEART, THANKS FOR ASKING. No gross thoughts, no gross thoughts, think of ANYTHING else. Like… Sharks. Fucking fish.)

“Y-yeah.” (Creepy slimy fish with their cold dead eyes and pointy teeth. Piranha. Barracuda. Whitetips.)

As if taking some mercy on him she finally moved them so her head was on his chest instead, which was a lot less awkward. Not that it stopped his face from burning any, but at least she didn’t comment on it.

“I can hear yours too, Ryoma. It's my favorite melody. It envelops me in a warm, strong embrace... more than any other song can do. It fills me with courage... Ryoma, you play my heart better than I play the piano.” (So fake. I know it is, like it’s a script written for someone else. So stop feeling happy dammit!)

“I know the feeling sweetheart.”

He could feel her giggle as much as he heard it this time. “You called me sweetheart again~”

“Only to build your sense of security so that going back to “Miss Akamatsu” would be hilarious .”

This time her laughter got to the point she had to get off of him, to keep from anyone getting hurt, as she lightly hit at his chest for being a “jerk”.

“Well… If we're being honest, then... I really wanted to hear you say that... It’s like, as long as you give me this courage, I can do anything. What should I do now?” (NOT WHAT I THINK YOU WANT TO DO!)

“Hey, uh… If we’re being honest today then I got something to say too. Sorry if it’s not the sort of thing you wanted to hear though. ‘Cause if you want to try anything… farther, well I… Don’t think I’m ready. You’ve always been braver than I am, you know? Sorry.”

Yeah right, she’s not going to buy this. It’s true, in a sense, but you’re a guy with a pretty girl in a bloody love hotel of all things. Odds aren’t exactly in your favor Ryoma.

“O-oh! No, that’s okay! I wouldn’t want to force you or anything. But it’s not like you’re a coward either.”

Holy shit that actually worked. Hallelujah, the universe doesn’t hate me after all. But try to tell that to Kaito. Hell, it’s not even like he’s wrong. Just look at me. Hard to say I’m not trying to run away, isn’t it?

Trying to help ease her panic Ryoma took Kaede’s hand in his own. It was so different. Where his is tough, worn, and calloused from his hard work at tennis and prison, hers is still soft and barely blemished. A pretty fitting metaphor for them both, probably. All the more proof his hand isn’t the one meant to be here with hers.

With a bit of hesitation Kaede began awkwardly cuddling him and he wasn’t really in a position to object anymore. He did all he could to balance what she needed and what he couldn’t allow himself to do.

It was nice though, as they went back to talking like this. Just a couple of idiots, spending time together. Time only one would remember, while still needing to stay “in character” for the other’s peace of mind.

“Hey, Ryoma? I remember in Tennis the word “love” kept coming up, as if it was the number “zero”. What’s that supposed to mean?”

This doesn’t prove anything. This isn’t meant for me, she’s just adapting to me being here or something. Anyone can use buzzwords for an Ultimate’s talent to make it more “personalized” without meaning it.

“I remember hearing once it was because both players having no points meant they “still had some love for each other” or something like that.”

“I promise that won’t change, even if you let me “score”,” she slyly replied, smiling like a fox who got into the henhouse. Or Kokichi, since the two really have been hanging out together too much for comfort.

That didn’t make the words coming out of her mouth sound any less wrong, even if this wasn’t just based on another one of the hotel’s scripts or something else in the hotel messing with her.

“... Please never say anything like that again, okay Sweetheart?”

“Aww, but you thought it was kinda funny didn’t you?”

You mean “cute” not “funny”, and just because you’re always adorable and I’m a sucker for puns.

He couldn’t help but snort a little at that, there was no saying no to her playful pout. “Yeah I did.”

The conversation went like that until they got tired, but at the very least he was content. Knowing he had no right to be didn’t change that, as he felt Kaede’s warmth beside him. It helped knowing her dreams, if she had anything like that about what happened tonight, would be both pleasant and innocent enough.

The dream was nice while it lasted, but they always need to come to an end. They were too different, even without “ideals” getting in the way. Her courage was a shining light that encouraged others forward and helped keep them together. A sun like that was far beyond his reach now, even if Kaito kept denying it.

All he wanted was for her to be happy. The others too, to a lesser extent. That’s why he was willing to sacrifice so much for them still, if a life like his could be considered in such terms. A life that was already destined for death row shouldn’t be long enough to be worth much right?

He had no future, so he should try to help those that do the best he can.

First Chapter     Previous Chapter     Index     AO3 Version     Next Chapter

[jackscrewed]

for ghouls: 6, 18, 25

6:Ghouls have greatly lengthened lifespans.  How do you feel about that?

Yeah, uh, I guess that’s kinda cool or whatever, but let me be real with you for a sec, I do a lot of stupid shit (a lot) and a lot of dangerous shit (a lot), so realistically speaking, my cute little ass ain’t gonna be around here in a hundred years or whatever, so I’m not even worrying my head about it.

Be real cool to live long enough to see some grandkids though, maybe great-grandkids?  I mean, the grandkids could happen at any time, for the record, like, I am at an age where that is a very real possibility, Mimsy is a grown woman, okay, she’s like thirty now, I could wake up with news tomorrow that I’d gonna get a granddad and that would be a thing.  I don’t wanna be, like, the type to put pressure on her, though, you know what I mean?  You got some parents that are like, “you’re a grown ass woman now, so give me the grandkds I’m owed,” and geeze, I’m not telling my kid to make some babies just to make me happy, but, like, it would make me happy, I’m just not trying to make a whole thing about it.  Besides, she’s not even married yet, not like that’s a requirement or anything, but it helps?

If I get grandkids one day, I hope I get to name them.  I mean, I don’t have to, but it’d be cool.  I got names picked out: Bambi for a boy, Aurora for a girl.

18: What was the reaction of your friends or loved ones when you turned into a ghoul?                 

Yeah, uh, they were mostly all...Jackie, pumping yourself fulla meds won’t fix you; Jackie, you can’t cure that; Jackie, you ain’t feral, you’re just having withdrawals again; Jackie, stop lyin’ to yourself; Jackie, go eat some food and drink some water and shit instead of being sad all day; Jackie, fuck’s sake, you’re fucking yourself up more than the rads did.  I just thought...I guess I thought that if I tried really hard, I could make this stop before I turned into a ghoul, and it seemed like it was working for awhile, alright, like I was basically pumping myself full of RadAway and popping pills and shit, and then I guess one day I woke up and looked at things a bit and I thought, “wow, Jackie, you’re spending all this money and look at your sorry ass, your hands are falling apart and you’re half rotten and you keep coughing up blood, and you’re still lookin’ pretty fucking ghoulish, so what are we actually accomplishing here, buddy?”  And then I was a ghoul.  Fuck.

Uh, anyway, better than I thought.  I’ve always been a fuckup, so, like...you know.  R.A. was all matter of fact about it, so was her fiance.  I took care of her when she got fucked up, she did her best to take care of me when I fucked myself up.  I, uh, didn’t make it real easy for her.  I basically fucked off to Goodneighbor the first chance I got ‘cause I got scared I’d hurt ‘em or the kids.  R.A.’s too good to me.  I mean, it, honest, I do not have my act together at all.]

The kids...uh, I haven’t seen Miriam in a few months.  She writes letters to me but...it’s, like, she’s got her life in Diamond City and if I poke my face around like this, it will fuck up everything’s she’s been building up, you know?  Like, I don’t like that’s how it is, but it’s how it is.  Society politics.  She’s a Stands girl and I’m not.  I guess Lucy got concerned ‘cause she kept trying to get me to stop getting fucked up on RadAway, but mostly she’s just kind of bubbly, positive.  It’s how she is. 

I feel bad for Prudence.  We got settled into Bunker Hill and then this happened and then everything got uprooted more than it already was.  She acted out a lot.  I mean, it ain’t just ‘cause of me, we also all had some real bad shit going on ‘cause of Quincy, but kind of ‘cause I had all this shit going on with me and it’s like...wow, okay, actually, this is kind of shitty all around.  It’s been real shitty for her.  Fuck, I am sorry about that, sorry I let her down and spent so long being all...Jackie about everything.  And Avery, uh...yeah, Avery’s got issues at the best of times and he’s real afraid of radiation, so we’re working on that.  He ain’t afraid of my face anymore, though!  Just, like, all other ghouls except Uncle Poinsy.  I don’t think he knows Poinsy’s a ghoul, though, on account of the fake nose.

Oh yeah, and also, my shitty brothers and parents ain’t talking to me, but joke’s on him, I wasn’t talking to those fuckers anyway, so ha!  Polly and Robin are cool, though.

25: Ghouls are sterile.  Is this something that bothers you?                 

Buddy, I got four kids already, believe me, I got enough, I’m not in the market to knock a dude up or anything, we’re good, we’re all good here, I got more’n enough kids, fuck, it’s enough, I got enough kids, I don’t need more, I don’t have quiet time by myself, okay, I’m looking forward to one day having the entire house to myself so I can just smoke pot with my wang out all the time or whatever and not have to worry about little kids sticking shit up their nose, shit’s gonna be so awesome.  No more kids.  My kids are fuckin’ awesome, light o’ my life, but, like, Dad is tired.

[timetogoawaynow]

Melz meets Alexei SL with @MelzWithABite and @AWanderlustCur

Alexei meets Melz

Melz: *I was really starting to wonder why I'd come back. Okay, that wasn't completely true. I'd missed Brie terribly and felt horrible for leaving her for so long. She barely let me out of her sight these days and had taken to sleeping in my bed every night. For such a little girl, she had been through enough in her short life. I only hope I didn't do too much additional damage. So I let her stay attached to my hip as much as possible. I knew the break for Lark was welcome. At least I hoped it was. I wouldn't have to be a genius to pick up on how unhappy Lark was with me either. It had been completely selfish of me to be gone for as long as I  was, but then, it hadn't been the human half’s decision at all. The guilt was still mine, even as now, my wolf chuffed derisively in my mind. Yet another problem I still had to deal with. I was terrified of repressing her, yet terrified of shifting again. Being constantly at war with myself was exhausting.

The fact that I'd come back because of the fanged threat was another unknown frustration, patrols yielding no additional evidence or information so that we were at a dead end there. And as if I didn't have enough to deal with, Lyric's update consisted of a bombshell wrapped up in a time bomb! Now, that wasn't exactly fair. I didn't begrudge him his happiness, but finding out we'd had squatting wolves in our territory for however long that I'd known nothing about didn't sit well, let alone another one that was apparently now staying with her. Plus the fact that he was engaged after a week to an Alpha’s daughter no less?! I was all for standing up to her father, honestly, because fuck that heavy handed alpha wolf bullshit, but talk about a blind side. Needless to say, my coping mechanisms at this point were basically nonexistent, but I was trying. Once I got a read on this second? Or was the the third? New wolf in my territory, I'd be able to try and make heads or tails of the situation. One thing at a time. Glancing at my phone, I rolled my eyes, exhaling a sigh. Of course he was late.*

Alexei: -When I’d gotten Austen’s text I’d been summoned by the Alpha of the area, I started to shove it off. I’d tried to avoid Austen and her little boyfriend as much as possible, staying at home while she was at work, out while she was home. We hadn’t gotten off on the best foot, and I was too damn tired of explaining my shit to people, least of all her. The more I thought about it, the more I was pissed at her dad for what he’d done. I was a fucking part of that pack, and on top of that, his family, and he just dumped me out like trash. Every day made it worse. It didn’t help I stayed mostly intoxicated, but it was better than being high. Heroine was expensive and I was almost broke, and add onto that it was illegal, and it was a step in the right direction. I bummed a ride to the address Austen gave me, not willing to stoop and ask for a ride, I looked down the long road and began to hoof it. I’d never dealt with a female alpha, and I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t warm and fuzzy with those types of personalities anyways, more a buck the rules kinda guy, sometimes just because I was bored, but I had to be good today. If she kicked me out of her territory, it could affect Austen and Brent, and I wasn’t that much of an ass. Brent had the gym and Austen her shop, and her boyfriend. I had no one. So it was just her and me and I planned on keeping it that way. I reached the barn door, pushing it open and stepping in, looking around. I smelled only her a while back, so it was really just a formality to check around for others, there were none, but her. Standing in the middle. I kept my distance, ‘bout ten feet, stuffing my hands in my jeans and staring for a moment, then bowing my head slightly- Alpha. Sorry I’m late. Like to make an entrance.

Melz: *Ooooof. Course. I mean, I wasn't expecting an ugly wolf. They really didn't exist. Besides, his cousin was gorgeous. But...damn. did he have to be...damn. Although...eyes narrowing slightly as the good looking loner entered the old been, my alpha senses tingling. Yeah, Alexei James was something more that he was trying really hard not to be, even if I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Some way back memory buried deep was trying to come to life, but I didn't know. Shaking my head before I looked like a comatose idiot, I kept my features blank, giving him a slow, assessing top to bottom once over.* Do you work at a distillery, or are you just doing your part to keep them in business? *Arching a brow, I gave a sniff before starting to make a slow circled walk around him. I hated this posturing bullshit, as anyone that knew me well knew, but I didn't know him. From the sound of things, his home pack didn't give much stock to females, so I didn't want him to think he could waltz in here and run roughshod over me. His uncle was already on my shit list for not only allowing two of his heirs to establish businesses in my territory without as much as a word to me, but because of his disgusting treatment of his own daughter. Yeah, that was one alpha I never wanted to meet for fear that I wouldn't care about containing my wolf in his presence, but I digress. Coming around to face Alexei once more, I met his eyes, held them for a long moment as I let the alpha power fill the air. It was a calculated risk to let my wolf this close to the surface, my eyes turning amber, but it was necessary.* I'm going to need you to be real honest with me about your reason for being on my territory. And what your plan is while you're here, if I decide to let you stay. *I knew Austen’s version of his “why", but I wanted the whole store from him and to see if it meshed with what she'd said.*

Alexei: -When she did her alpha thing, the one that made my wolf cower inside, I realized male alpha, female alpha, it didn’t matter. It was nothing to fuck with. That kind of dive bombed my first plan, which was charm her, but it looked like Austen had already dimed me. Princess must have been all ready to impress the new alpha that she just gave me up. Figured. Like father like daughter. Fine. I never needed anyone to stick up for me. I got myself in this shit, I’d get myself out.- How nice of you to notice my contribution to the fine establishments in your territory. I do my best to be an ass—et. And as the brat may have already told you, my pack put me in time out. So, I have nowhere else to go. Technically, I’m not supposed to have contact with any pack member, which means my family wants me to live under a fucking bridge for a year so I’ll learn not to be a fuckup. -I chuffed, looking down and shaking my head.- Thought I’d get a job, I’m pretty good with my hands, woodwork, maintenance shit. Make some money, get me a place so I don’t have to have the princess on my ass, and wait. -Boy, if I were me, I’d really want me in my territory. What happened to making a good impression? I laughed a bit, reaching up to rub the back of my neck- Look, if you want me to move on, I will. I'm not saying my pack was wrong about me. You asked for honesty, so that’s about as much as I can give you. Truth is… -and I’d been thinking this for days, and it just rubbed me the wrong way, sending me into the bottom of another bottle- I don’t think they’re gonna let me back in. So. It’s whatever. -I hated that alpha shit, that thing that made you spill your guts and not hide shit.- I don’t need a fucking therapist or your pitty, so if you’d ease up I’d really like to shut the fuck up now.

Melz: *I hadn't used my “Alphaness" like this, probably ever. My pack was my family by choice. We'd been through it all since before I was alpha. We'd each taken turns losing our shit, yet been there when we came back or needed a good slap across the face. We'd dealt with imposters before and come out stronger. Whatever had been set in motion, we'd handle it together. So exertion any sort of compulsion hadn't been thought until it had. Worth it though. His side of the story filled in a lot of the blanks Austen’s had left out. At least the picture I was painting in my head was...interesting. Filing certain details away for later, I snorted a laugh as he finished talking, reeling in whatever it was I was doing.* No, you definitely don’t need my pity. You've got plenty of your own. But when your party's over, the pack owns a garage if you're looking for something to do with those hands besides lift a bottle. If you can change an oil, I can give you a few shifts a week. Last thing I need is some drunk ass were going wolfy and attacking a tourist. At least your cousins have kept a low profile. I have a feeling that's not really your style. If you can pull your own weight, I'll give you a shot. *Standing legs shoulder length apart, I let an authoritative flair pulse the air before taking a step back.* Does that sound like something your poor abused ego can handle?

Alexei: Me? Pity myself? -I laughed out loud, shaking my head. It was only then that I took a long moment to really look at her, head to toe in a way she’d know I was looking. She was fucking gorgeous, in that take no shit way, that I am woman hear me roar thing that I loved. In other circumstances, I’d be all over it, but I’d never cower, and it seemed like that might put us at an impass- Woman, you are delusional. All that alpha shit’s gone to your head. You asked for the facts. I told them to you. -probably not the smartest thing to say, but dammit, I didn’t appreciate being called a whiner.- Thanks for the offer of a job, pretty big of you, but I don’t know a thing about cars, and I didn’t come here for charity. Maybe I like lifting a bottle. Maybe… -I smirked, tilting my head- it's exactly what I want to do. Seeing as I’m doing it, that’s probably accurate. So thanks for the offer, but I’m going to have to say no thanks. -I rocked back on my heels a bit, feeling her influence, but as soon as I got my bearings, which was much later than I had hoped, I gritted my teeth a moment and shrugged- Don’t sweat your tourists. I’m not a pup. Only thing they may be in danger of is being given incredible sex by yours truly. Don’t worry about my ego, either. It’s far from abused and going strong. -I wasn’t stupid enough to duck out of an alpha’s presence without being dismissed, but I sure didn’t have to take her ridicule. Insult on injury. I could just as easily move on, and would rather do so, than have her talk down to me like I was nothing.- So, like I said, if you want me to move on, just say the word and I’m fine. Austen and her boytoy will kiss your ass and call you queen. All one big, happy family. But if not, I’d like to get back to the bar I was enjoying and finish my evening. Cute little redhead gave me her number and I don’t want to miss the end of her shift.

Melz: *Oh. Hell no. I'd met a lot of dumb fucks in my day, but this one was at the top of the list. The more insults and disrespect he touted, the angrier I got. My wolf didn't care if he was baiting me in some type of fucked up bid to get himself killed. She was pissed enough about the lax way I let my own pack function, no way she was going to take it from some punk loner wolf who'd been expelled from their home pack already. Fuck no. Before the last word left his lips, I was on him. Sweeping his legs out from under him, I slammed him to the ground and came down on top of him. My growl rumbled through the room as my teeth sharpened, claws extended as I wrapped my partially shifted hand around his throat, deadly points resting just over his jugular. Leaning into his face, my eyes blazing with fury, my voice the gravelly bark of my wolf as I spoke.* The hard way it is. I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but this tough guy loner shit ain't going to get you nothing but killed. Now, it seems like that might be what you're looking for, but fuck you. I'm not that merciful. My pack pulls their fucking weight. You ain't my pack, but you're on my land. I already plan on having words with your uncle, but at least your cousins have contributed to the area with their businesses. I'll be damned if I'm going to start letting your uncle send his trash here too. *Chest heaving, spittle on my lips as my fangs rested there, I held his gaze for a long, long moment. He wasn't getting another shot at this. I would not be a doormat to some broken asshole. I had enough shit to deal with.* You have no idea who you're fucking with, Alexei James and you know nothing about my pack. No one kisses anyone ass around here. That pack hierarchy bullshit is for the birds. But we do respect the positions and work as a unit. I'm not offering you to join, so don't get your hopes up. I was willing to let you lie low for your year if you could follow two rules. Work. And don't be an asshole. Looks like you can't do either, so you've got to go. *I didn't need to justify myself or explain anything to him, but I wasn't going to take his shit. At. All. Pressing in my pin point nails just enough to break the skin, my nostrils flared when I scented his blood before climbing back to my feet. Back to him, I showed him exactly how little of a threat I considered him.* You have an hour to get the fuck out of my territory. I'd wish you luck, but I don't like lying, so fuck you, seems sufficient. *Walking deeper into the barn, I didn't check to see if he'd gone. If he didn't, I'd kill him.*

Alexei: -I’d feared for my life a few times, a few deals gone wrong, a few sunken escapades, but nothing like this. Nothing like her wolf right on me, in my face, and my life in her hands. She should have killed me. Part of me probably wanted her to. But the longer I lay on that barn floor, bleeding, shaking now, I realized a few things.

I had to make it right. My wolf demanded it, and something in the pit of my stomach just wouldn’t let me be this person anymore. Shame rolled over me, and I rolled over onto my knees, my neck bared, my voice low- I’m sorry doesn’t even cover my disrespect. -I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears. What kind of fucking man cries? So I sucked it up, kept my eyes to the ground, and continued- You’re right. About me. I had no right to act the way I did. Even offering my life wouldn’t do anything, because you have every right to take it. -I thought of my family, of my mother mostly, and my brothers, how devastated they’d be. How long had it been since I’d thought of anyone but myself? The tears came anyways, but I refused to acknowledge them, my wolf cowering before this alpha, as I begged for my life- Please. Give me another chance. I’ll work wherever you want me to. I’ll do whatever to say. I...don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m at your mercy, and I don’t deserve shit, but I’m asking. Please. -And that was all I could do. I had no other option. If she didn’t kill me, I’d be lucky. But I had to try. I hated what I’d become, and maybe, if I tried, maybe if I cared about my life a bit more, I could make all of this right.-

Melz: *If I was any other Alpha, I'd kill him right then and there. The groveling was nice, but didn't quite cut it. But I hated how black and white every other pack I'd known operated. Black or white. In or out. Live or die. With the paths Zoey, Jessy, Bray, Lyric and I had taken, we should all be dead or disowned. Had been over the years. If it weren't for that one chance we'd each gotten when we needed it most...I didn't owe this wolf anything. And I'd probably regret it, but I wasn't ready to take a life over it. My wolf would, of course, disagree, but I'd taken enough of them.

Glancing back over my shoulder, I raised a brow, not hating the sight of him on his knees begging. I stood for a long time in silence, making him sweat, suffer. Yeah, I was going to spare his life, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to make him pay for his mouth. Let him cower, wonder if these were the last seconds of his life.* Be at the garage at eight am. If you're late. You're gone. Bitch about the job? Finito. Slack off? Pack your bags. Basically if you o anything that pisses me off, take one step out of line, I will end you. *Turning to face him fully once more, I flashed my still elongated teeth, the growl in my voice returning.* Please, try me and think that I'm fucking around. I really hope that you do. Because underestimating me will be the last thing you do. *Long strides closed the distance between us as I shouldered past him and exited the barn. I hated the structure tucked at the back corner of my property. It was only for pack use, and we hardly used it. Without a backward glance, I made my way across the lawn toward the house. That was checked off for now. On to the next disaster on the list.*

Alexei: -I stayed on that barn floor, my arms covering my head, face to the ground for a long time. I didn’t know how long, really. Seems I found myself on my face more often than not these days. When it didn’t feel so shitty, I stood, wiping my face on my shirt and walking out to the road, pushing my thumb out and waited. A few people didn’t bother, but soon, a guy did, and I hopped in the back of the truck after giving him the address to the garage, and I was on my way.

I sleep outside the place, leaned up against the building, so there was no chance of being late. I was hungover as fuck, probably going through some withdrawals, but I stood when the man came to open the place and introduced myself. Respectfully. Weeks passed, and I toed the line so tight. Melz came in periodically, and we didn’t speak, but I was alright with that. Head down, work. Lyric didn’t speak to me either, and that was fine too. I wasn’t there for him. I was shit with cars, but I picked it up fast, gophering, too, and cleaning up the place after everyone left. Some days we’re on the clock. Some days I just came in because if I didn’t, I was gonna be at a bar, and I couldn’t do that right now. There was a small room up above the shop with a shower and stuff, and I stayed there. Nobody said anything, not Melz or Bray or Lyric, and I closed up, but I kept it free from my stuff just incase it became an issue I could just...find another place. Most nights, I fought my demons alone, going to bed early, picking up a few books from this used bookstore beside the place the guys liked to get lunch. Tonight, I pushed the broom across the room and sang a little Willie Nelson.- Maybe I...didn’t love you. Quite as often as I could have. -The acoustics in the garage were great, and singing always seemed to calm me down.- Maybe I...didn’t treat you. Quite as good as I should have. If I made you feel second best, girl I’m sorry I was blind. You were always on my miiiiiiind. You were always on my mind. -Another night in the books. Only a few more hours and I could sleep, making that a few more hours I had to come up with a good excuse to stay put.-

Melz: *I hadn't had high expectations at all for this Alexei guy, I had expected him to turn tail and run and never look back. Needless to say, I was shocked to get a text bright and early the next morning from Bray, asking what he was supposed to do with him. My “bitch work" reply seemed to be all he needed to know, which was fine by me. I had no qualms about him doing all the grunt work at the garage. When he showed up for a few consecutive days, proving that he was somewhat reliable I put him on the schedule. When he showed up for more time than those listed, I pinned a note to the board telling him that I was only paying him for the times he was scheduled. He wanted to keep showing up anyway, fine by me. It rankled that he'd started using the spare room above the garage without permission, but when I went up to remove his shit because of it, there was nothing to throw out the window. Sneaky jerk. Even so, I could tell over the next week that he was actually trying to keep his head down and his nose clean. I'd wait and see for how long.

Finishing up the billing on the 67 Chevy Lyric had just finished the restoration of, my brow furrowed as I heard a voice I never had join to tune pumping from the speakers. I thought I was the only one left. Shutting down my laptop and closing the safe, I let my curiosity take me to the back bay, where I propped my shoulder against the wall and listened. He had a really nice voice. It was a shame I couldn't say anything else positive about him.* Hey, Willie, you about done? I'm ready to lock up. Planning on squatting upstairs again tonight?

Alexei: -I stopped singing immediately, standing up straight, and the embarrassment in my chest was real. I just hoped it didn’t travel to my face. I looked over at my bag by the door, then back at the alpha, and shook my head- No ma’am. I’m almost done. -I held her stare for a moment, then went back to sweeping, doing it much quicker and making a pile before putting it in the dustpan and dumping it in the trash. I put the broom back where it went, walked over and grabbed my pack, and walked to the door. I’d gotten used to being invisible there, so it was odd when she spoke to me, and I didn’t want to take carte blanc and start a full fledged conversation if that wasn’t her intention. I knew a few shelters, but it was iffy if they had a bed this late. Guess I’d go and find out.- Have a good night. -I waved, pushing both arms in the pack and hoisting it on my back, pushing the door open carefully. I guessed I’d have to find a permanent place, seeing as she obviously minded that I stayed there. I could, in a month or so. That wasn’t long. Brent would let me in to the gym to shower, I think, and...it wouldn’t be too bad. I stopped outside the door as it closed behind me, putting the hood on my hoodie up and stuffing my hands in my pockets. Walking was good for my health-

Melz: *Brows raised as I watched him finish, I was surprised that none of his bravado from out first meeting came out. He didn't seem able to shut himself up before, now he might as well have been a mute. Could it be that sobriety made him meek? Standing back with the door held opened when he grabbed his back that looked like it held everything he owned, my brows now furrowed in confusion. I almost didn't ask. It was none of my business what.he did or where he stayed, except that it was if he was going to keep sneaking around, staying in the upstairs room like no one noticed. Calling after him as he began to cross the lot, I didn't chase him. He'd hear me.* Hey, I thought you were staying at your cousin's place? Why do you need to use the upstairs anyway?

Alexei: -I turned back, shocked a bit that she’d care where I stayed. My impression when I left the barn was that she was done with me, and even at work day in and day out, she didn’t seem to give me the time of day.- I can’t. She can throw a fit all she wants about being independent, but she’s pack, and I can’t associate. -I winced a bit, pointing at my healing black eye- Brent reminded me. -I waited, not sure what to do now, hanging onto the straps of my backpack- Do you need anything else? -part of me wanted to just ask to use the room, but it seemed I still had too much pride and a lot to learn. Maybe a few months sleeping outside would be...a character lesson, maybe that’s what I should call all this. A lesson in character.-

Melz: *Goddamn, this guy was something else. Too proud to ask for anything even when he had literally nothing else? Grinding my teeth, my mind warred with itself. If anyone knew broken and beaten and how it either caused lashing out or shutting down it was me. Hell, I should be the poster girl for building up brick walls encased in steel and topped with barbed wire. My own pride didn't want me to offer something he didn't ask for, but if I wanted to be different from the way other Alphas operated, I'd have to act like it. If I didn't help, it didn't seem like anyone would. He wasn't my pack, but he was connected to someone I now considered under my protection. Damn my penchant for adopting strays…

Blowing out a long sigh, I dropped my arms to my sides and unbleached my jaw.* Hey, asshole, if the pavement get too...pavementy, the room is yours. I pretty much was considering your unpaid shifts as covering your rent. Just don't go hooking up the ultra deluxe cable packet and we'll be straight. Or sleep on the street and prove absolutely nothing to no one but the fact that you're an idiot. It really won't phase me. *Hitting the key fob, I headed towards my Mercedes, cursing him out in my mind as I went.*

Alexei: -I stood still, just watching her, wondering where the punchline was. No one, no wolf, did anything for anyone like me. I’d realized that in the last few days. You were either working to benefit the pack or you were out. At the shop, I was working to benefit the pack, just not mine. Instead of a place, I was working for my life, my right to exist here. And that was fine. But this was...she owed me nothing. Before she got in her car, I spoke carefully- Thank you. -And I turned back toward the shop, heading inside to lock up. My hands were shaking, but I wouldn’t even acknowledge it. I simply climbed the stairs and put my stuff down, looking around. I took out my few pair of clothes I’d bought, setting them on the bed. I put “Stranger” by Albert Camus on the nightstand. I took a family photo and set it there too. Then I sat heavily on the bed and put my head in my hands. I couldn’t do this all the time. I didn’t want to be in my head. I wasn’t this person. I didn’t want to think anymore.

Shedding my jacket, I left it on the bed, with my shoes, and walked outside, jogging to the edge of the woods. I stripped, hid my clothes, and the shift had never felt so good. My wolf took over, and I immediately threw my head back and howled. Here, the loss of my pack was deepest. Here, I couldn’t hide. But I could run. So I did.-

Melz: *Shaking my head as he turned and walked back to the garage, I was surprised he even let me see that he was taking me up on the offer. Blowing out yet another exasperated breath, I climbed behind the wheel of my car, put the top down, and was off. Merging onto the highway, hair blowing in the wind, the howl of the wolf that carried on the breeze had my breath hitching. Eyes closing briefly, my heart ached for the pain that filled it. What was I going to do with this one?*

[serenagaywaterford]

1) Feel free to keep rambling! Not only I love talking with level-headed fandom people, but our opinions seem to converge (even if my wording comes off as weird/wrong because of Tumblr's word limit). Anyway. I had many issues with S2, besides Serena's arc I mean (I'll get back to her). Blessed be the goddamned plotholes! Fred becomes a cockroach that just won't die (Red Center), because he's essential to the plot. Same goes for Aunt Lydia. (Although I'm kinda glad that she's alive, because

2) I LOVE Dowd’s acting and I’m excited about her background story.) Emily comes back from the Colonies and is smfh 100% healthy. Moreover, Gilead has been surprisingly lenient with Fred and Serena’s constant fuckups in S2 (mutilated fingers aside). June won’t leave with Emily, bc MOTHERHOOD (more like there’s a s3 on the horizon and drama is needed). And don’t get me started on that slow pace. The beginning and the finale were explosive of course,but some mid-season episodes?

3) They were dragging on and on. Examples? 2x11, where only 2 things happen: a) June gives birth to Nicole, b) Fred and Serena make it clear that they want to tear each other apart (duh). The only redeeming qualities of that episode was the wolf symbolism and the excellent cinematography. I get it, the series is successful and has more seasons ahead. But if only they had squeezed some episodes, it would have been so much better.

—-

OMG YAY!!! I’m gonna answer these in pieces since I’ll prolly flood a giant essay otherwise. Cos, lbr, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear I had multiple personalities and was secretly sending these to myself from a fugue state, that’s how much we agree! Cos I’ve just read through all your messages and sat here going “YES! YES!” lol. I think you, me, maybe 5 other people on tumblr, and 1 TV reviewer are of the same mindset and it’s such a relief to find others who are reasonable and critical about the show/Serena.

Yes, Fred not dying was just so fucking stupid I couldn’t deal. Like, it’s not even like, “Well, he didn’t die which is crazy but he’s horribly injured and disfigured cos I dunno, he was like 15 feet FROM A MASSIVE BOMB EXPLODING.” But noooo. Instead we get Fred in hospital with a scratchy throat for like a few weeks, and when he comes back he’s got a little bit of a limp. No burns, nothing. And, to top it off, he’s got all the strength and balance of a perfectly healthy man to whip the shit out of his wife. I get they needed to get him out of the way and out of service so Serena and June could have all sorts of treasonous hi-jinks together but surely… they could have considered having Fred not 15 feet from the bomb. It killed handmaids that were way farther away than that. Just a thought. Deffo an eye-roll moment.

Aunt Lydia I’m less irritated about simply cos, like you, I love Ann Dowd and think she’s done a fab job. And we honestly haven’t got enough of her backstory and I wanna know that too. I think this show can only really captivate if it tells ALL the women’s stories, not just the victims. Like how does a woman become an Aunt? How do they justify that? Or is it simply a type of socio-religio-politcal brainwashing, akin to a lot of Nazi Party supporters? Is she a True Believer? Like, honestly, wtf is up with her? Like, cos so many of us can empathise with the Handmaids and we understand how that came about–but it takes more sides to tell a full story. So, Aunt Lydia being back… I’m not too fussed about. I really do consider Emily so damaged that I would never trust her with a baby–but that’s me. She’s been so broken, so traumatized, and like I don’t blame her at all ofc, but she needs softness and patience and no stress ever again. Like, she is not well emotionally by any stretch.

Which leads into the Colonies bullshit. That was just really bad writing. She, Janine, etc, were there for MONTHS. Like, June ran away and was gone for 92 days (Thanks for that count, Serena!). And then add on whatever time passed between her being returned to the Waterfords house and when Lilly set off the bomb. That is a long ass time to be splashing about in radioactive waste. Emily’s teeth were falling out, right? Like, how she went from literally dying of radiation poisoning to “Totally healthy enough to pop out some totally healthy babies!” I’ll never understand. The loss of the Handmaids in the bombing isn’t a good enough reasoning. A dictatorship like Gilead could easily have just conscripted a bunch of Econowives with the sweep of a pen. That is how these militant theocracies work. They’re already half-indoctrinated anyway. It was dumb to put Emily and Janine there in the first place if you knew they had to come back, as they are main cast members.

I always thought Fred and Serena were getting away with too much but I wrote it off as Fred (and Serena lbr) being a HUGE part of bringing about Gilead in the first place so they get some leeway. But then, you see Warren and Cushing being dealt with fairly severely for basically hearsay. (Okay, Warren’s I get cos you had outcry from Janine in a massively public display and backup from Naomi.) I guess because Fred/Serena’s fuckups were a little more ~private, they could excuse/lie about them/cover them up them easier? Cushing was dealt with way to easily. Like… no. “Fred” signs some paper and suddenly Cushing is being disappeared immediately. I suppose Fred took over Pryce’s place in the hierarchy? Who knows. And from what I understand, nobody in SOJ knew about June’s escape to the big country house. But c’mon, one Handmaid kills herself, the new one another starting shit every where she goes with other Handmaids and is pals with two of the most notorious other Handmaids (Emily and Janine), then is “kidnapped”, is partners with the bomber, then runs away again, then again… Sigh.

June not leaving… I just… it was so obvious that she wouldn’t cos otherwise there is no show. But why bother with all that drama then. Like, what if Emily hadn’t been there??? June had no way of knowing she’d be meeting up with Emily. She would have just dumped Nicole in some van and run back? Ugh.

And the pace was bad. ITA. There are whole episodes I don’t even bother with on rewatches. I thought the season premiere was great, then it fell of a cliff and lost my interest until about the 5th episode? Then it got going nicely (altho 2x07 wasn’t great either), then took another nosedive in 2x10 and sort of coasted almost aimlessly until the finale. I don’t like to hate on June but honestly the really 100% June-centric episodes bore the shit out of me. 2x02/03 and 2x11 being the biggest culprits. I’m just tired of the excessive use of flashbacks that all basically say the same thing now. And Moss is a great actress but there’s such thing as too much of a good thing. Not to mention, Nick and June bore me to tears as well (SACRILEGE! Send the indignant rabid fangirls on a rampage into my inbox!) so when there’s a lot of focus on that clusterfuck of inanity, I tune out. I can’t help it. I find them so annoying lol. (Which is were I usually lose common ground with basically everyone in this fandom cos everyone loves Nick for some reason I just cannot understand. If you like him, I apologise! I just can’t. I liked him more at the beginning but as it’s gone on the less I give even the slightest shit about him.)

Also, like I found 2x02 and 2x03 to just be… a waste of time? Like, okay, we got to see the Econopeople and how they live or whatever but to me, there was zero point to the whole thing because we all know June isn’t going to get away with it. So, why waste 2 whole episodes building to something everyone knows ain’t happening just for the sake of some worldbuilding that I’m guessing could have been done some other more cogent way? 2x04 was basically just to show more breaking June down in various ways. Then 2x05 was just to show the Colonies and had a lot of filler in it about that. I still don’t understand the point of the “wedding” bits. It wasn’t uplifting or hopeful at all. It was still really dark, like killing the Wife. I only really liked watching Serena go apeshit because her babyslave isn’t making proper gossipy conversation. It’s just an interesting angle cos finally Serena gets what she asks for with a super obedient Offred, and low and behold, it actually sucks and she wants June back. Story of Serena’s life and she never fucking learns lol. And Aunt Lydia flexing on Serena was hilarious. I just enjoy watching them go head to head. Not to mention the grotesque child brides thing. Gross. Super gross. Like, a bunch of stuff happened but I’m not convinced it needed to be dragged out over 4 episodes like that. Not to mention it was all really depressing. I remember watching and going, “JESUS, this show is fucking depressing. Why am I torturing myself?”

But yeah, 2x11 was super slow and all the important things that happened (that you listed) could have taken 10 minutes. Like I get too that she had to see Hannah in order to… make her decision in the finale make sense??? Was that the reason? I still don’t know. All of this could have been dealt with way more quickly and with just as much emotional gravity had it been done well.

I really like Moira but she’s been given shit all to do. I liked how we got a little insight into her and Odette. A LITTLE. But a huge weakness is that the Toronto peeps are so divorced from the drama that it often seems, not pointless, but something like it. It definitely slows the pace down to a crawl. That’s why I thought 2x09 worked well because it married both worlds. (I will never understand why 1x07 exists the way it does. What a stupid episode. I do not care about Luke’s journey, tbh. I’m here for the women–good, evil, or inbetween; not an entire episode devoted to him–especially not when we could have had Moira’s instead. I accept that his is intertwined with June’s attempted escape but… meh. It’s just like I will never care about Nice Guy TM Nick’s backstory or character. I don’t care about Fred’s childhood, or Warren’s marriage, or Luke’s manbabying, or Nick’s manpain. Eek.)

I dunno. Personally I think it could have been tightened up a bit better. But again, what do I know? I’m just a viewer. I’m sure other viewers have completely the opposite opinion.

[butterflyinthewell]

I hope you listened to why people where upset with you and learned from it, rather than just freaking out and then brushing it off. Learn something from this, better yourself.

Let me be brave...let me be brave...let me be brave....

Putting trigger warnings here in case people don’t tag them in reblogs.

tw nazi mentiontw hitlertw death threatstw rape tw murdertw suicide baitingtw sex mentiontw gunstw violencetw anxietytw abuse tw emotional abusetw cyberbullyingtw anon hate (not for THIS anon, but for the kinds of things I mention anons sending to me.)

Hello, anon.

I didn’t brush it off at all. I apologized, but I don’t know if it ever got acknowledged.

I freaked out because the way I got attacked by anons triggered a flood of emotions related to being emotionally abused and bullied. I had no control of the response other than to delete the cruel messages and type out how I felt to contain my panic. 

The only anon I really responded to publicly was the one who said I was being manipulative for posting how scared, confused and upset I was. I was deliberately trying to avoid using tags that people surf or not tagging at all except for triggers so only my followers would see those posts. I used ‘actuallyautistic’ occasionally when I did panic. 

If I want a post to get attention, I make sure the first five tags are popular ones that get a lot of visits.

I made a mistake. I fucked up. I blew it. Yeah, I get it. It was not intentional at all, but people wanted to make sure I felt as bad as I could possibly feel about it over and over. It’s the exact mob mentality that terrifies me on this site.

I don’t resent being educated. I’m glad for that. I’m grateful and thankful for that. Somebody very kindly explained why the comparisons made people angry instead of saying “don’t compare these things” without further explanation. I can’t learn if I don’t understand why something is wrong. My brain works in specifics, if thing A is wrong, I need to be told that thing B and thing C are also wrong and why they’re also wrong, or I may not connect those dots. It’s autism brain, it’s been that way since I was a kid. That is not an excuse, it is an explanation. An excuse would be “it’s autism, I can’t help it and I don’t need to change my behavior” and I never said that about this incident.

Someone made the time to give me the “why” that I was missing. I felt like an asshole even though I had no ill intent, and I wish more people would acknowledge that my intent was not to cause harm rather than throwing me into the same box as people who are purposefully cruel. People have come to me with kind messages saying they know I wasn’t being offensive on purpose and I appreciate them very much, but I feel like the people who I accidentally hurt won’t ever acknowledge my apology or that I didn’t have ill intent.

Again, I don’t resent people educating me. I took it in and listened to them.

What I resent is the flood of people telling me that I should die, that I’m an antisemitic bigot, that I suck Hitler’s dick and that I’m a Nazi whore. People told me I should get murdered and thrown in a ditch. I had people telling me that I should slit my wrists, jump off a bridge and get raped. I had people saying I deserved every bit of hate I got and that I don’t deserve any of the friends I have on this site. I got called a “basic bitch” (whatever that means), a fraud and homophobic. 

Then I got told I was going to be shot and I wasn’t going to see it coming, which led to me being afraid to open my blinds or leave my house between Monday and Thursday. For my Holy Week stuff at church, I kind of sat or stood slightly away from people so if those shots came, they would only hurt me and not anyone near me. I acted more fine than I felt. I kept watching peoples’ hands for any sign they were taking out a gun. I only felt safe when in enclosed areas away from view of large crowds.

I kept it quiet while it was happening because I didn’t want to call attention to those kind of messages. It’s been about a day and a half since I last got something nasty in my inbox about the whole mess, so I guess people are tired of the whole ordeal. I sure am. 

I got the mob that I’m deathly terrified of. All for a mistake. I came very close to deleting my Tumblr. I got as far as my cursor over the button, but couldn’t click it. Deleting would disappoint more people than my mistake ever did. I remembered all the people who say my blog keeps them going, and I would be letting them down if I vanished totally. I thought of all the nonverbal autistic people who need lots of daily help and can’t make their communications understood who would go totally unacknowledged except as caregivers’ scapegoats without my posts telling the world that they exist and deserve love.

I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone, but I got treated as if I had. I apologized for what I said and adjusted the video to reflect why it’s gone so that people see the issue is dealt with and won’t feel the need to slam me all over again. I really wish people would delete their reblogs of the post, but I know that’s asking way too much.

I didn’t brush anything off. 

I really hope people didn’t brush my apology off. It’s really not fair to keep shoving a mistake at someone when they make it clear they learned from it and have been beat up enough for it. I get it, I fucked up and I’m sorry for the pain I caused.

But once you fuck up on Tumblr, there are people who see you as always a fuckup no matter how hard you try to do better after setting off the hate mob. 

Again, I don’t resent being educated. I appreciate that people educated me. What I do resent are the people who repeatedly shoved the mistake back in my face as if I’m not allowed to pick myself up and move on after learning from it.

That is the one downside about Tumblr. Mob mentality is a terrifying thing. 

Unfortunately, it’s one of my triggers when it’s aimed directly at me because the bullying I got in high school involved being publicly humiliated in front of crowds of other kids and being taunted repeatedly by members of the crowd afterward. 

There was a boy who threatened to rape and murder me daily, and nobody did shit to stop him. I was told “He’s just being a boy. Ignore him. He probably has a crush on you.” So messages about “you’re gonna get shot bitch watch your back cuz you won’t see it coming” had me going back to the thinking patterns and defense mechanisms I utilized in high school. I freaked out and made myself small for awhile.

Having my feelings dismissed as ‘manipulation’ are exact words my emotionally abusive dad uses on me whenever I’m not emoting “properly” according to some esoteric rules he never bothers to explain to me. That made me get even more confused and scared that nothing I said or did was going to be right and that everyone was going to hate me forever.

I’m not seeking pity, here. I’m explaining these things to you so that you can understand why I behaved as I did in response to the situation. I was taking measures to prevent catastrophic panic attacks that would’ve led to me deliberately getting cruel in attempt to scare everyone away. That would NOT have gone well, and I’m glad I recognized I was falling back into a pattern and wrote it out instead of being silent until I blew up completely.

For the record, again, I am sorry for the harm the Shatner letter post caused and I hope people acknowledge that yes I know I screwed up and I learned. 

[mattgambler]

Dark Souls versus Nioh

TLDR: I played Dark Souls 1-3 about 18 months ago and yesterday I abandoned my first ever Nioh playthrough halfway through. I compare my experiences and declare them both winner and loser at the end of the day.

Today after waking up I was greeted on Discord by a public message of one of my mods which had me typing frantically in a matter of seconds: so Nioh went the same path as every other soulslike game ? Final call on it matt? ( wich mechanics where new wich ones where even more frustrating and wich ones where a welcome change from the other soulslike games?) I wanna clarify that I played a couple of “soulslike” games over the past 2 years and rarely left one of them unbeaten, so his first line had me somewhat confused about what exactly he meant, given that I had abandoned my Nioh playthrough halfway through only the day before. The games I had played (and I am aware of the fact that some rather important ones are missing) were the three Dark Souls games, Salt and Sanctuary, Dead Cells, Titan Souls and now Nioh. I usually want to beat these sort of games even if I don’t enjoy them, and be it only so I an criticize them without sounding like a whiner who simply didn’t git gud enough. Useless gamer pride, I know. But while I sat there, talking about how I had beaten all the other games before this one, I knew what he was probably talking about - which was me not liking the game. I also didn’t like DarkSouls 1-3 that much, and back when I streamed them it was usually me versus my chat as I tried to win the unwinnable argument of convincing fans of a game why it was clearly and “objectively” bad. Or at least not as good as everyone wanted me to believe. But let’s look at Ashtaks actual question. At first glance, Nioh does a couple of things which had me praising it as soon as I encountered them. Inventory indicators for what you had picked up since you last looked into your inventory. A clear path to follow. Storytelling that looked like actual storytelling for a change. I was sure I would like this one! But the longer I played, the more I noticed the glaring flaws that were worked deep into the games core, and which became even more apparent given how those flaws were mostly absent from the soulsgames I had worked my way through back then. The linear progression was nice in comparison to the at times random and unintuitive nature of Dark Souls, where I only managed to find the painted world of Ariamis after my chat had given me step by step instructions on how to find and enter it. But at the same time the missions soon started to feel same-ish, another temple, another batch of yokai that had corrupted something vengeful spirits something save that village something hope you dont mind taking a look at my yard while you are there Anjin Sama please make sure I didnt leave the window open. The storytelling had me intrigued for about as long as it took me to realize that the narrative was meaningless and bland and that it didnt make much sense up to the point I had reached in my playthrough. There’s a villain and he wants to gather that ressource Amrita that the game had introduced you moments before, now he stole your guardian spirit which you apparently had all along and that seems to be the only spirit in the world that can detect that Amrita stuff even though you are collecting it left and right as quickly as you can because the next levelup will require another 78 000 units of it because, hell, gotta keep you grinding, am I rita? The inventory indicators were good at least. Sorely needed in the trash collecting simulator that both Nioh and the games in the Souls Franchise are, too! But while it made sifting through trash a lot easier and more practical, it didn’t really change the fact that I was collecting trash 99% of the time. At least in Dark Souls you didnt feel like losing out if you left that stuff lying on the ground because you couldn’t exchange it for souls as easily, if at all. (I don’t exactly remember.) But while I’m listing pros here just to pluck them apart right afterwards, I wanna say that weirdly enough I felt like I enjoyed Nioh more, on a surface level. Sure, the story was weirdly uninteresting, but at least it was there, right? The game was reusing the same enemies for mission after mission, but at least it didn’t give me bullshit like the Anor Londo archers or the Tomb of the Giants, or that fucking disgusting curse mechanic in the canalisation of dontaskmewhatthatareawascalled. At least I had my sense of where to go and my inventory indicators for newly picked up equipment, right? And finally some proper tutorials! Yes and no.

While Nioh comes with a metric shitton of improvements that Dark Souls would have desperately needed back then, while it looks great and plays smooth and overall does everything I wanted Dark Souls to do back then, it lacks the inspiration and credibility to actually make it all work for me. On day 6 I encountered a bossfight that was somewhat similar in tone to the Sif encounter in DarkSouls. You know, sad music, the boss was kind of a good guy, this time it was a cat spirit instead of a giant wolf, but yeah, you get it. All it accomplished was making me realize that I never cared much for that feline companion of mine in the first place. Sif, in comparison, had never been my companion. He(?) had never tried to be loyal or helpful to me. Weird how I still ended up caring so much more for him than for my own weird cat buddy that I had never really gotten to know all too well, but... at least he was around? I guess? Must have been the missing limping animation. Another thing that always struck me as unpleasant about the Souls games was that there were no proper tutorials. Here, you are in a cell, now go die. Again, Nioh delivers where Dark Souls fell short, several nicely spaced out tutorials to show you the ropes, how to switch stances, how to use skills, how to take a dump behind a tree. But while Dark Souls would have had me confused about many things if not for my chat, Nioh locks tutorials behind mission progress and usually ended up teaching me things only after I had figured them out on my own. And weirdly enough, those tutorials managed to both make me feel as if they were holding my hand too much as well as(!) if they weren’t clear enough on things. How do you even pull that off? Sure I’m learning in detail what I already know, but I still need to do the tutorials for the rewards and it has me standing there unsure about why it is not continuing because I already did what it wanted me to... I think.

And then there is all the stuff that is missing, at least up to the point that I reached in the game. While Nioh does a somewhat good job of fixing DarkSouls’ flaws (Seriously, that inventory indicator, how could you not have that, Dark Souls. I mean what the actual fuck.) it took things that were good and working and just left them out. Basic stuff, like leaving messages for other players, complex and intriguing things like covenants, boss weapons. Incredibly vital stuff like secrets! Dark Souls is full of them and while I was sometimes annoyed by a bonfire being too well hidden, or another entire area being hidden behind a random wall segment in an even more random wall, Nioh feels like it is incredibly afraid to hide anything, or give you a glimpse of a later boss in the distance, or leave any sort of mystery as the story progresses. The bad guy? Yeah, he stole that spirit to collect amrita. That spirit? Yeah, it has been with William since he was a child. That mission? Yeah, seemingly the kids were turned into yokai, or the shogun (or whatever he was) blew up his castle but he also broke his teaset and that teasets name was “flat spider” in japanese and because he broke it the boss of this level is a giant spider. Oh, that character you didn’t really care for? Here is an entire page of exposition for you if you wanna learn his role in all of this. Considering all of this and more (incredibly uninspired and therefore often confusing leveldesign, to name one of several things I’m not gonna go into too much detail here)  I would already come to the conclusion that Dark Souls is a way more interesting and mysterious game than Nioh. Wild, reckless, interesting. Stupid at times, and fuck the tomb of the giants, what an embarrassing fuckup of modern game design, but still, a wondrous and intriguing journey overall. Personally I liked Dark Souls 2 best. But still I would have considered calling Nioh the more solid game, in a casual,  gamey way. It plays well, you progress through it, you probably have somewhat of a good time anyway. I’ve always considered Dark Souls, especially the first and probably most iconic one, as more of a weird art piece than an actual good game. But Nioh was too hard for me. Yes, harder than Dark Souls, and not in a good way as far as I’m concerned. The sheer number of times I was literally oneshot with full hp because I didnt dodge this attack or that combo in time is just too damn high. Many deaths in Dark Souls came from intricate traps or simply stupidly falling to my death (because fuck swimming or holding on to ledges, right?) but while Nioh does that sometimes as well, the sheer damage that enemies deal with each attack and your characters morbid fetish for being stunlocked made what could have been at least casual fun into a frustrating mess over time. And I used a spear, the only weapon that scales with the hp stat anyway.  I might just be bad, or not patient enough to die through yet another 20 bossfights until I figure out how to dodge enough attacks to barely succeed. But then again, I might just have had more fun dying in Dark Souls than I had dying in Nioh.

[child-of-azrael]

Mmmmmm see this is what happens when I let my feelings about something simmer like a stew, they get more brutal and painfully honest. 

Let's get one thing straight here, this isn't a su critical post. That type of thing just don't jive with me. If anything, this is me just pouring out my uncensored thoughts over these two episodes since I rewatched them with my little brother. And some of my thoughts on possibilities that might be with the show. And some other things as well.

You know, at first I drew Pink with that shit post scribble, 'cause I thought she'd be an annoying but irritating brat character, something I can understand with having my sibling. I figured that there was a good chance of her and Rose Quartz being the same thing, which I was hoping wouldn’t happen, if they had any decent writing skills whatsoever. (To be fair though, they literally don’t have writers. They use art to drive the show and tell the story. Because apparently drawings are needed to tell stories, not writing. Okay. Go tell that to any decent writer who doesn’t draw and see what they say. Seems like a massive middle finger to writing as a whole because they don’t respect writing as an actual art form whatsoever, or in fact they spent so much money on artists that they couldn’t afford actual writers who could actually fix plot holes and prevent writing themselves into a corner *cough* the cluster *cough*.) But finding out that she's forced her child into existence, knowingly abandoning her problems, shoving them onto a poor kid who doesn't deserve any of this, and caused almost the entire extinction of her species? All the deaths of her fellow brethren because she had a little shit fit and didn't agree with her sisters? That the actual war wasn’t for actual freedom for the lower classes of gems who were forced to work for the Diamonds, but because Pink had a shit fit over a single fucking planet?🤔 I mean shit, I already was disgusted with Rose Quartz for abandoning her child with another parent who is forced to live in a van by the crystal gems, but uh, she did all this because of a shit fit over a single planet? When in reality when the war was over her sisters would move onto another planet, even if she died? 🤔

And they claim that her siblings are bad LMAOOOO

Pearl ain't innocent either, that girl knew exactly what she was doing, and just to try and get into Pink's pants? 🤔  Even though it was clearly obvious she had zero interest in Pearl since she has dated nothing but human men? Even though Steven technically called her out in the mystery girl episode on still having an obsessive love interest with her, after all these years, and after Pink literally became her own damn child? 🤔 Sounds like we've got two manipulative and selfish assholes just using each other in my opinion.

And don't get me started on the possibility that they tossed a defective pearl aside and replaced her with this one. It's already bad enough that "disabled coded" gems are supposed to be the defective ones from what I've heard, but straight up tossing a pearl aside because she's "disabled?" If it's true that the defective gems are meant to be "disabled coded," do people not realize what message that sends to disabled kids watching that? That if they're disabled either mentally or physically, that they're gonna be tossed aside by society? "But Bow it's just a rumor, don't think about it too hard-" My dudes, I am really, really hoping that this rumor is false. But that was the first thing I thought of when I heard it. I don't pick up on things unless it pops out to me instantly, or it sticks to the back of my mind and crawls out to the front.

But, it could just be my abandonment issues and being abandoned by my own parent, being left with the similar mental fuckups poor Steven is being left with, but man, I am really noticing the same pattern of abandonment! Shit, the latest episode with Lapis fucking taking the barn for good and abandoning everybody again, just leaves me nothing with disgust for her. In fact, I would feel absolutely nothing for her at this point if she were to be shattered. I feel more empathy for Jasper, than I do for Lapis. And then the same thing of abandonment with Pink Diamond abandoning her child on purpose, leaving what's left of her army, and a single dad who's living in a van to raise the child? 🤔 

Sugar, I don't know who hurt you as a kid honey, but abandoning others when you have a responsibility to them as a friend/family member, especially friends and family, is never okay and never will be okay. Painting abandonment in a "uwu she's so sad we need to feel sorry for her so it's okay that she did this, let's just ignore it completely" light, or in a "she was just trying her best, we all make mistakes, it's okay uwu" light is bad, very, very bad. It tells people that it's okay to abandon family and friends, and that the repercussions that they suffer because of all of their selfishness is okay. That's not good. That's how you scar and fuck up people mentally for life, to the point of where they might have to seek therapy, if the amount of mental fuckups in the person is bad enough. That’s perhaps one of the worst messages you can ever send to an audience. 

Not to mention that the instances of men abandoning in the show, (Steven’s uncle just basically said “fuck it” and decided to try and ditch what was left of his family, again? With how Sour Cream’s dad ditched the son after he divorced his ex?) are portrayed in a negative light, but for some reason the women of the show abandoning are excused and from what I can recall, are said that it’s okay? It doesn’t matter what gender you are, abandoning isn’t okay. Wtf is going on here?? This is some fucked up shit imo???

See I told ya’ll that the longer I let thoughts simmer in my mind, the more brutally honest I get.

tlrd: i am an over analytical asshole and shouldn’t be looking into the meaning of a kid’s show yet here i am.