#i went from 'hey maybe im figuring out how to be an independent adult!'

[emypony]

.

[spacecatchako]

i don't want to be alone anymore (sfw)

you and daichi have been best friends since your first year of high school. now that you're in love (and adults) where will you go from here?

pairing: sawamura daichi x reader

wc: 3,373 words

contains: seemingly unrequited love, confessions, covers the nationals arc, friends to lovers, angst, hurt/comfort towards the end, fluff, reader literally has a breakdown and daichi comforts them, reassurance, cuddles, petnames (baby, princess, doll)

a/n: no, i didn't have any idea how to tag this. this fic is a little all over the place and there are several timeskips. the reader is implied to have issues w family and friends so keep that in mind lol. also i marked diff sections of the fic with ✨ this emoji so if u want to skip over certain parts and go straight to the hurt/comfort feel free babey

you were used to being lonely. sure, you worked hard and you had dreams, but there was some part you that remained unfulfilled. it was like a void that gradually dragged you down. you'd managed to supress it for most of your life up until high school, until all of a sudden something changed.

you met sawamura daichi. he was cute, a first year player on the volleyball team. daichi was kind to you. the two of you became fast friends after meeting on the first day at karasuno. during your breaks in between classes the pair of you would talk about anything and everything- volleyball strategies, your latest sketches, even other classmates that were giving you a hard time. you could be silly with daichi. there was no pressure with him, no need to pretend to be perfect.

but there was something scary about this too. by your second year of school you'd been friends with daichi for about a year. it was then that the realization hit- you had never felt this safe, this accepted, or... this loved by another person. when you'd get anxious because of classes or have issues with your family daichi became a shoulder for you to lean on. he'd go out of his way to send you check up texts and leave you little handwritten notes. the first one that you received was a little post-it note that said "you'll do great on your test today! i believe in you- daichi." he'd blushed like crazy when you confronted him about it. it was new to see your usually sturdy and level-headed best friend blush over a silly note that he'd left. there was something different between the two of you after that first note. instead of walking you home like usual he started to keep a hand on the small of your back.

you hadn't been looking. you'd been talking about how awkward your family was when a stray cat slunked into front of the two of you. you almost walked straight into it before the cat bounded away, crossing the empty street and looking back once to meow at daichi and you.

"sorry, is that too much? i just... want to make sure that you don't trip."

you were confused until you realized what had happened. daichi had steadied you by putting his hand on the small of your back. it felt good, for some reason, to trust him to steady you. trust wasn't an easy thing to come by.

you smiled a tad awkwardly before steadying yourself on your own two feet. "not at all daichi. i don't mind."

daichi smiled and the pair of you kept walking. his hand had stayed where it had been. you felt... guilty for being so touch-starved. and for your best friend, of all people?

"how ridiculous" you thought to yourself. when you came home you knew that no one was there. time to start dinner before your family came home. you'd probably retreat to your room and text daichi when that happened.

daichi was so good and so nice, and by your third year of high school the tiny, lingering bit of attraction that you had had for him flourished into a full-blown crush. you felt embarrassed and guilty. never had you let someone get this close to you. never had you ever let anyone write you notes, check in on you, give you genuine-sounding compliments. it was the little things like "are you okay y/n? you seemed a little quiet this morning. are you getting enough sleep?"

graduation came and went. the notion of parting with daichi and your other friends- asahi, suga, and kiyoko- left a pang of grief in your stomach. you were attending a local university and daichi planned to join miyagi's fire department after nationals. you'd still be close to him and he'd still be living at home, but it was weird to think that you'd be seeing one another a lot less.

nationals was when everything boiled over. you'd promised daichi that you'd be in the stands at every game of the competition, cheering him on.

"id love it if you were there, don't get me wrong. but don't feel like you have to jump through hoops for me! it's a bit of a long trip, i don't want you tiring yourself out." he confesses sheepishly. but you really wanted to go- his mom and siblings couldn't because of school and work, but they'd given him their best wishes.

"I'll hitch a ride with saeko and the crew. she and i work at the same restaurant on the weekends. we already talked and she said she'd be more than happy." you chirp. daichi seems a bit less worried about you after this, but then he remembers.

"um. y/n. you know that saeko drives... well, not badly, just... scarily?" he only seems to be partially joking.

you laugh at his worried expression. "I'll be okay pal. we'll make one of saeko's taiko buddies take the wheel."

daichi mock sighs in relief and you laugh together. this was the last moment that daichi had before nationals where he wasn't laden with anticipation over whether karasuno would succeed or not. he felt relaxed, with you. he thought you were cute, and awkward sometimes, and smart, and... good. so good. you didn't always look to him like he was an authority figure and you were small. he didn't feel the pressure to make sure you behaved or kept you in line because you were good at putting up a front and keeping yourself "in order." sometimes daichi wished that you would let him take care of you, let him listen more often. he wished that you would let him love you.

oh.

oh shit.

"daichi? um, daichi?"

daichi blushed and was snapped back to reality. he... loved you? that's what that care for you was all of these years. that's why he wanted to know if you were taking care of yourself, if you weren't burning yourself out with pleasing your family and school and work. sure, he thought you were cute. he picked up on all of your idiosyncrasies, even sometime pointing them out to you. he had had an inkling that *maybe* he had a little crush on you... but the care that he had come to find that he had for you was so great. he had to do something- everyone was leaving for school and the championships would be over and then when would he see you again? there was this great, big fear of losing you due to confessing. but that fear was minuscule compared to you, his studious and independent friend, pushing him away and forgetting.

"sorry. i was just lost in thought."

✨

yes, you, saeko, and the taiko group arrived a *tad* late and missed the tokonami match. yes you felt guilty for missing it. but when karasuno won against inarizaki and you saw daichi and the team celebrate the win, it was all worth it. you cheered as loud as you can, and once the players cleared from the court, you scrambled to greet daichi.

you see him in the lobby and almost leap into his arms. he laughs. "aaa, hey y/n." he croaks.

you giggle. "hey daichi. congratulations. you were amazing out there."

he's smiling through the sweat and fatigue. you notice, out of the corner of your eye, asahi and suga slowly backing away to leave the two of you alone. suga clicks his tongue, making daichi whip his head around, and he gives the captain a thumbs up." daichi sighs and sets you down, and the two of you are left in the stadium lobby. volleyball players and spectators mingle around, getting food and shopping for merchandise. daichi runs a hand through his hair and turns to you.

"do you want to go outside? there's something that i have to tell you."

anxiety shoots through you. if it's daichi, it can't be bad. of course not. that's one of your best friends. right?

the two of you make your way to the front doors of the stadium and get some fresh air. the sky is blue and the wind is refreshing against your skin. daichi, still sweaty and tired from his game, seems to enjoy it too.

you giggle as he stretches. daichi sits on a nearby bench and gestures for you to do so too. you notice a little shake in his hands as he does so. he's fiddling with the zipper of his karasuno jacket in that cute way that you know he does.

there's a sense of unease, and it's up to you to break the silence. you're alone with sawamura daichi, your best friend and longtime crush.

"daichi? what's wrong?" you ask, concerned.

daichi looks to you, a flush on his cheeks and a light in his eyes. he looks so cute, even when he's tongue-tied and tired from a game.

he takes a deep breath, and the words come out.

"i like you a lot, y/n"

you blink, confused. then it hits you. your crush, sawamura daichi, likes you. like, the boy that you think about way too much, the boy that you feel safe with, the absolute gentleman who cares about you and respects you instead of walking all over you, likes you.

you realize that you haven't said anything before you stutter.

"i-i like you too, daichi. so much."

he's blushing. your face is growing hot despite the winter air. the two of you, literal adults, are reduced to awkward messes because of this confession.

"o-oh. that's... good. i think that that's good." daichi awkwardly says. he laughs a little, then it turns into a full-blown bellow. you can't help but laugh too at how ludicrous the situation is. two friends who have known each other for years, caring about each other, eventually falling for each other. who knew?

"also suga made a bet and told me to confess to you if we won against inarizaki. he told me after the tokonami match. i agreed." daichi huffs after the laughter subsides.

"of course he did. im glad that he did it though." you joke.

"yeah. because then i wouldn't have you." he smiles, getting up. he extends a hand to you, helping you from the bench

"let's go back to the group. i don't want to miss lunch."

✨

it's been months after nationals. you and daichi are in a relationship, happy to be with one another. he's taken you on so many wonderful dates and his family seems to love getting to know you more. but there's still something that's missing. you've always struggled to open up to people completely. even daichi doesn't know what you're like when you completely break.

that changes one day when you have to travel from your dorm, to your parents house, then to daichi's for a date. it was supposed to be casual- just you and him in your pajamas, watching movies and eating takeout. but after being berated by your family for your career choice it triggered something in you. you felt like a little kid again, being told that you're not enough, being slowly manipulated by your family into burning yourself out. dachi helped the loneliness subside, but you knew that, inside, you were still the same little kid. that thought made something inside you recoil, but you pushed it down and made your way to daichi's.

you settle into his bed, your partner beside you. you take a good look at him- your man, sturdy and stronger from work at the fire department. suddenly, you can't help but break for some reason. tears flood your eyes and they won't stop for some reason.

"baby? baby what's wrong?"

you didn't deserve him. why were you even friends with him? someone this nice, this gentle with you, this kind? you wanted him to kick you out for crying. you wanted him to break up with you, because good things don't last.

you were so embarrassed and you'd felt so weak and stupid. you'd never been allowed to cry before, you'd always been told that it was a sign of weakness. good children didn't cry, so now that you were grown up you shouldn't either.

daichi hadn't judged you. he just set the tv remote down and moved in to hug you. other people's touches usually made you flinch and swat them away, but it was never like that with him. not when he supported the small of your back when you fell, not when you jumped into his arms, not when he took your hand after your mutual confession.

the two of you were hugging now, your chin on his shoulder and his head tucked into your side. you could stay like this forever. he was so warm. you could feel the two of your heartbeats almost sinking into one as your sobs quieted down and your breathing slowed to normal. this was the effect that he had on you. it was in this moment that you realized that you loved him- you truly did. the brown-eyed, sturdy, kind, careful, gentle boy that you'd met on the first day of high school had become your friend. then he was your crush. now that you two were adults, he was your first partner. the first person that you had ever fallen truly, deeply in love with.

you felt weak for desiring a love that was this tender. pessimistic you has you thinking that maybe all of the bad things that happened when you were growing up- your family being distant, friends leaving, you feeling alone all of the time- were a sign. a sign that you didn't deserve love. but if you were undeserving, if the pessimistic side of you was right, maybe you could have this moment to keep instead. is that it? if a whirlwind kind of love was too much to ask, you could just keep these moments with daichi close to your heart. if it was possible to take this feeling and keep it in a bottle, you would.

in between sobs, you vent.

"everything sucks, daichi. my family has always been so critical of me. i never get to see any of our friends anymore. im trying to succeed at school but my family won't get off my back. i feel so alone."

daichi pulls away to look at you. his palm is cupping your face and uses his thumb to wipe a tear away. you sniffle. you struggle to meet his beautiful brown eyes, averting your gaze. but you can feel his gaze on you, and when you do finally find the courage to make eye contact, he looks at you with nothing but affection. for some reason you don't feel judged by him. you don't feel... bad for crying in front of him anymore. he's looking at you with nothing but acceptance, nothing but care.

"hey." he starts in a small, gentle voice. "i know how you feel about crying, doll. but it's okay to cry. no matter what your parents say about you, you're a good person. a lovely person, even. you're a good friend too. what they think is stupid." he smiles a little. you love that smile- the way that his eyes crinkle a little and his cheeks dimple. he holds one of your hands in both of his. "i love you. you're good, and smart, and kind, and hardworking. you forget to take care of yourself sometimes, but i think that that's okay. while you're learning how to show yourself more compassion I'll take care of you in the meantime. whatever you need, doll. you're safe with me. no matter what. okay?"

you're crying again. great. you don't stop yourself this time and you throw yourself into his arms. he's there, waiting for you. you let yourself sob into his chest while he gently rubs your back. he holds you in his big, strong arms and hugs you closer. you don't feel suffocated and you don't feel humiliating to be crying. you feel safe. it sucks to cry over what your family thinks of you and it sucks that you don't feel like enough. it sucks that you've felt alone for most of your life. it sucks that you feel guilty for wanting love and it sucks that sometimes, you feel guilty for loving daichi so much. but as he holds you and presses a kiss to the top of your head, nuzzling your hair, all of the pain is tinged with something warm. something safe. something so, so safe. a feeling that you'd never felt before.

it's in that moment that you know- daichi isn't a whirlwind. he isn't a storybook prince that will whisk all of your problems away. no, he's somehow better. he's a pillar of support, a source of comfort, a prince in his own right. no, he won't save you- you still have to take care of yourself. but he'll support you, fill in the gaps, love you unconditionally. maybe a fix-it-all is too much to ask, but you couldn't care less about that now. all that you want his daichi. he takes care of you. he respects you. he loves you, despite your flaws and your feelings of weakness and those moments like now when you just need to be held. he loves you.

when you've stopped crying your voice is croaky and you feel gross. you look up at daichi and he hands you a box of tissues from the nightstand. you're an ugly crier, you know that. but daichi doesn't seem to judge as you dab at your eyes and look to check your reflection in his room mirror. it feels wrong to leave the comfort of his arms, but it also feels like instinct to check your composure. when you're done you turn around to face him, eyes tired.

"do you want to talk about it doll?" you're about to object, in a prefunctory sort of way, but he cuts in. "baby, i don't mind. really. i just want to know that you're okay. i just want to know that you feel safe. you've endured a lot and the way that you feel matters."

you sniffle. "im fine not talking for now daichi. im... tired. just tired. from crying. i just want to sleep." when he shows you nothing but understanding, you stutter out one last request

"ww-will you hold me?"

"of course, princess. ive got you."

you clamber back to bed. daichi and you shift positions so that he's laying down and you're against his chest. he smells like that nice, crisp soap that he always uses. you bury your face in his chest once more, before laying on your side to the sound of his heartbeat.

you sigh. "i love this sound. it lets me know that you're here with me. it let's me know that you're real."

daichi chuckles warmly. you can hear the sound reverberate throughout his chest and it tickles your ear. he's so sweet. it's then that he promises something to you.

"im here, darling. and i am not going anywhere."

your eyes water a little at that. "i love you, daichi. you're my best friend."

he sighs, and it's like you can feel his warm, gentle smile from where you're resting. "i love you too, doll. so much. you are the most precious thing in the world to me."

you know in that moment that you are loved- genuinely, indellibly loved. the roughness and loneliness that you once endured is no more. despite everything, you're learning how to love yourself and to take care of yourself. it feels so, so lonely sometimes and the work seems endless. but whenever you need someone to catch you when you fall, you know that your love, daichi, will be there. forevermore.

his heartbeat relaxes you as you snuggle deeper into his chest. the last words that the two of you utter to one another are ones of love before you both drift off to sleep. you love him- so, so much. and he loves you.

tagging some folks in the longest fic that ive ever written because aaaaaa. if u want to be added to my taglist or taken off plz send me an ask!

@ceo-of-daichi @honeybunny-sawamura @daichis-kitty @goldenshoyo @daichidaichidaichi @kingtamakimurder

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: detailed recounts of abuse/neglect, trauma anniversary, solitary confinement, slight poverty mention, survivors guilt, self doubt (this post might be very heavy)

Just looking to put this into the world somehow, maybe looking for validation? But if what I'm saying isn't valid there's no need.

It's coming up to the three year anniversary of when I left my moms house permanently, the three year anniversary of when I heard rage-screaming downstairs I started recording in case the police needed evidence if I didn't make it out. The three year anniversary of when we lost the house that had been falling apart for years at that point.

We're still in contact, she has another house at this point, and she makes sure to visit all the time and let me know how much she loves me. She brings gifts like new clothes and my favorite food, and it makes me feel so confused and guilty for having cptsd at all. She's like a different person from the one who pinned me against walls to scream at me and didn't allow me to go to school or the doctor or anywhere for years so they wouldn't find out what was happening, who made "outside" a sort of out-of-reach fantasy. The origin of why I'm so claustrophobic. I was hidden away for so long I ended up developing psychosis at age 12 or 13.

Why is she nice now? I'm almost an adult, so I figured maybe she just gets along with adults better than she does with kids. Maybe it's because I can count with my fingers the amount of times I've visited since she kicked me out at 3AM last year for having a medical emergency "she couldn't handle", maybe we're better apart? Or maybe I was just that terrible as a kid. I was a handful.

When I tell others about what happened they always say it sounds like torture and that they wouldn't survive, I've heard stories of other kids who got locked away who ended up succumbing to their circumstances. In my head I'm always thinking I'm lucky to be alive despite everything, but a part of me is also wondering why it had to be me who was one of the lucky ones. Someone who arguably deserved what happened. Someone who, even while locked away, experienced random bursts of kindness from my own abuser? It makes me feel guilty for even talking about this. I'd get banished to a storage room for asking a question while she's in a bad mood but then after a while she'd open the door with hot chocolate made just how I like it if she could afford it.

I don't know if what I experienced was kindness or abuse??? I don't know which one I actually even deserved. I wish she was awful to me all the time so I wouldn't feel awful talking about the bad things she did to me. She's a good person now and I love her but she deprived me of education and medical care for years and occasionally made me fear for my safety and life. But she's so kind? And loving? Im wondering if I was just so bad that I made a kind and loving person into someone who would do stuff like that. I don't know. I'm sorry this got so long.

(please just ignore this if its too long or heavy, I just wanted to get this out there. I'm also hoping I sent this to the right blog now oh god, I hope this is the trauma support blog and not some random person hahaha)

Hey there,

I'm so sorry you went through all of that. No one deserves to be treated like that.

I think that she is getting really worried and scared that she has lost control over you. Since you're almost an adult, you will have more independence and she is trying to keep you in her life.

It can also be an abuse tactic to gaslight you into thinking the abuse wasn't as bad or real at all. She may want to convince you that she's on your side and that you should continue to have contact with her, despite her abuse of you.

You deserve kindness, but you do not have to accept anything from your abuser. Remember that you are allowed to uphold your boundaries. You deserve a safe, healthy, happy life. Here is a page about setting boundaries.

You did not do anything to deserve abuse. Her treatment of you was not okay, at all. You absolutely are not to blame for the abuse she inflicted on you.

I know you're feeling a lot of mixed emotions and confusion. That makes sense. Her behavior is not consistent. Be patient with yourself while you're processing things. Journaling can help you process your thoughts and feelings.

Wishing you well.

- Misa

[ketchup-monthly]

Sanders Sides D&D 2

Ooh fresh take: Jan is virge’s patron and that’s why there’s beef

Also: Jan is some sort of fae related being

Jan: i need you to do something for me Virgil: no Janus: that's not how this works!! Virgil: watch me :P

Okay so I was thinking of Patton as a cleric cuz ooh healer however, Patton as a Druid makes me so happy

I want logan to have Rage

(Also that could tie nicely in an arc about Logan learning to accept feelings)

but barbarian logan is going to be a scholar again and is gonna be smort

bc hes logan. he cant be not smart

Oh I figured he’d be the bbeg that eventually joins the party (hurt/comfort baybee!)(Remus)

he was the bbeg but then joined the party as a bardbarian or just a bard

plus, actual bard who accidentally casts vicious mockery instead of bardic inspiration

Side note: please include a scene where Remus attempts to seduce the dragon

also with this second au, i can start them at like level 5 so people can multiclass

Pat as cleric/druid

gasp logan as artificer/barbarian

janus sorcerer/rogue

because basically everything but alchemist would work well with barbarian, but alchemist feels very Logan

bc mad scientist being actually mad

alchemist logan making an experimental potion and going "here im not sure what this does but im sure its fine! someone drink it"

Remus does it voluntarily, but Logan usually tries to get Roman to drink it

Virgil will occasionally drink it when he's on his last legs and is just like.....100% done with the party

remus as a wild magic path barbarian and just fucking teleporting or doing something equally ridiculous whenever he rages

Oh my god Remus with rage would be a force to be reckoned with

You gotta describe the first time he goes into a rage really dramatically

obviously virgil is trying to "escape" his patron, Janus (really just do whatever he says to not do out of spite)

Eldritch knight roman

Feywild warlock virgil

hey so in the second d&d au, should roman and remus be actual full siblings but like remus went darkside and like romans just trying to get back at him for putting a dark stain on the family name

hey hey hey what about warforged Logan? (essentially a robot)(so like "i dont feel anything" becoming real)

okay hear me out. elf roman and elf base simic hybrid remus. so like maybe the reason remus went darkside was experimentation? so like. hes elf but special

FALLEN AASIMAR VIRGIL

virgil just transforming in the middle of a combat scenario and like his eyes turn into black pits and flightless skeletal wings appear on his back and like everyone near him has to make a charisma check and like he deals extra necrotic damage

Pat is the one human stuck in a band of misfits

so with it, roman would be a full elf, and remus would be an elf that has tentacles bc octopus

So robot logan

i meant literally he doesnt feel anything

like he has all the emotions, but he doesnt physically feel the need to like eat or sleep or stuff like that

he just.....he pretend he don't have the feelings.....but he do.....he feel so much and he hides it all in his littol mechanical heart <3

plus......if he warforged, then like.....AC huge

he stands in front of friends.....he protecc...."no, i don't have feelings, i am physically incapable of affection" but he do!! he do! he take hits for them because he do!! he care so much

Bro he spouts all this and then he uses a reaction to dive in front of someone and everyone’s just like oh

LIKE ROMAN STILL BEING MEAN TO LO BC HE THINKS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE A HEART BUT HE DOES

hey hey everyone needs to grow

and logan standing up for himself and other people stepping in and saying no stop thats not right

plus if canon wont give me roman facing the consequences of his actions towards Logan......

but also Roman learning how to properly handle his own emotions and how he interacts with others

logan who doesn't view himself as anything more than a machine to be useful to others

the party giving logan love and affection until he slowly learns his own worth as a person

Roman and Logan not getting along (maybe Roman has a Lore reason to distrust Warforged, maybe not) and slowly learning to trust each other

when Logan is feeling real down or having some issue, Roman actually comes through to help him, showing how far both characters have come

Okay yes but also can we please give Roman more confidence than canon? Like I’m sooooo sick of low self esteem being played for laughs or just being really really sad

this boy is going on a mission and will slap his brother upside the head and tell him to shut tf up remus youre not a monster just come back home and he will do it alone if need be

OKAY SO WHAT IF HE ORIGINALLY WENT ON THE QUEST JUST TO STOP REMUS ONCE AND FOR ALL BC ROMAN THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER, BUT ALONG THE WAY, AND AFTER LOGAN, HE CAME TO REALIZE THAT NO, JUST BECAUSE REMUS (AND LOGAN) ARE DIFFERENT, THEY ARENT MONSTERS, JUST DIFFERENT

AND LIKE IN THE FINAL PUSH TO MAKE REMUS JOIN BACK WITH HIS BROTHER, ROMAN IS PROJECTING HIS OWN FEELINGS ONTO REMUS AND EVERYONE IS LIKE WOW BRO YOU GOOD THERE, BUT ITS A BIG MOMENT FOR LOGAN, ROMAN, AND REMUS

im unsure as to how, but it happened when he was an older teen/young adult. a simic scientist either picked him (read: kidnapped), or remus volunteered (potentially to escape court life, unaware what exactly the experiment was going to do to him physically

bc also, remus and roman are royalty

so like. how best to get at the nobes/royalty/rich famous people than by turning their kid into a monster

wait, wait, wait, because i'm lowkey a sucker for this trope, but i'm not sure if it fits Remus: the experiments left him with some fairly significant physical pain/uncontrolled magical reactions. through some combo of trying to deal with that and trying find a cure for his pain, he keeps like....absolutely wrecking random towns on accident but also deliberately wrecking certain places looking for either a) vengeance on the guy(s) responsible or b) someone who can make the pain stop

SO LIKE. WILD MAGIC BARBARIAN DOING WEIRD SHIT TO HIM WHENEVER HE RAGES

AND LOGAN COULD MAYBE HELP WITH THE PAIN AND SHIT

BC ALCHEMY

Yknow, for simplification purposes, we could say the True Bbeg just gave Remus lycanthropy and Remus hasn’t managed to control it yet

lycanthropy but simic shit?

Mr. I-Don't-Have-Feelings sees the poor dude in pain and also Roman in emotional pain from seeing his brother in pain and is absolutely like "i must resolve this like right now, immediately" because he definitely doesn't hate seeing his friend suffering, or his friend's brother whom he's just met

he definitely doesn't relate at all to the idea of someone else shaping your body and absolutely does not sympathize with Remus's plight

i was thinking the grappling thing and either manta glide or the ability to breathe underwater for the simic stuff, but like he doesnt have control over the tentacles yet?

Manta glide seems like we could have fun battle scenes

he just jumps off a cliff to avoid mushy talk/dealing with his actions/roman

Roman: Remus just because you're a monster and though i wish i was an only child-- Remus, jumping off a cliff: byyeeeeee Patton: Roman, look what you did! Virgil: dammit jan what did you do? Janus: why do you think i had anything to do with that? im a fae, not a genie Logan, thinking: what an asshole. i wish i could do that

oh my god Logan always being tired mentally bc he cant sleep

Oh my gosh I love that. So Remus got kidnapped super young, (from royal family) they never found him, as a result Roman had to grow up super fast (side effect: lowkey inconsiderate and forgets to ask for others input). Meanwhile, Remus was experimented on by True Bbeg and came out with some trauma and super cool additives

yep! chronic pain and ptsd and all sorts of other shit!

so like, simic hybrids are usually created when they're adults. but what if the true bbeg decided to go younger to see what would happen, and thats why remus has chronic pain and stuff

he was still growing when his genes were spliced, so hes dealing with growth plates shifting and his body maturing and puberty and body changes and stuff

Pat is going to have a lighthearted story. Im saying that now. Hes the one without all the baggage

Sure, but his parents have to lowkey be the really kind people who are surprisingly always down for violence

everyone: multiple crises Pat: y'all need help Pat: love and affection in spades for his little band of misfits

Patton (which I think would be pretty simple, honestly he might just see danger and jump in and suddenly everyone in the party has Feelings)

Logan

Mhm. So how did he grow up? Was he just poof created? Wait

What if he was created by the king?

To make up for remuss disappearance

wait, wait....angst......he was created to fight (hence the barbarian stuff) but alchemy is his real passion

wait so like. a second son???

hes there to replace remus?

Yea! (But like in a sympathetic grief way) But that causes a bit of a complex in Roman and ergo Roman and Logan have a bit of a beef

okay so like. hes there to be a companion for roman, and like take remus' place, even though hes not actually in line for the throne?

LOGAN AS A KNIGHT

and just......the conflict of being created for a specific purpose (plus being, you know, robot and technically incapable of deviated from said purpose) vs the fact that he actually does have independent consciousness and like....wants to live life for himself

the parents made Logan a barbarian in hopes that him and Roman would be safe

okay. so logan was created by the king with the sole purpose to take remus' place as romans brother/companion, and to be his like guard? protector? and fight, but logan wants to be an alchemist and study shit

wait, wait, wait.....thinks about Asimov's Laws

he.....his first operative is protect (specifically protect Roman)

oh man. so hes literally just a shield

his second level operative is just like.....care for Roman's emotional well-being, but he doesn't really know emotions because he was kinda just spawned and nobody told him how

and he just....kind of....lets Roman treat him like garbage and take all his grief out on him because he's staunchly in denial of both having feelings or knowing how they work

Anyway Yea so Logan created by royal family in place of Remus which created angst between the two “brothers” and identity issues in Logan. Their arcs are learning how to healthily process emotions plus Roman apology and Logan commits to alchemy

So big question: why did virge make a deal?

Tricked

he gave janus his name

and instead of janus like killing him or whatever the fae do to people who break the rules of dealing with the fae, jan was like. hey. i'll give you magic, but do what i say

Janus is lawful neutral, but leans towards being selfish

hes self serving, but he has a strong set of morals and rules he follows

Tho I want to Virgil to also not be pushover so let’s say loophole happened and Jan has to stay with virge (hence why Jan is a part of the party)

okay so a couple of the rules are dont give a fae your true name and don't try to figure out their true name

So

what if virgil accidentally gave up part of his true name, and got stuck in the deal, but then figured out janus' true name

so in the same vein that janus had control over virgil, virgil now has more control over janus

he still gets his magic from janus, so he cant break free completely, but virgil has more freedom and can occasionally tell janus what to do or when to shove it

there should a running gag where virge can explain how he learned Jan’s true name but Jan can make something loudly censor him every time

(he learned his name bc once he heard janus practicing his evil genius voice and talking to himself in the mirror and janus said his true name)

so maybe janus sent virgil on the quest to protect a town or stop something related to remus, but virgil dragged him along

he might just be trying to protect a town thats close to a ley line, or something fae-related, and they just happen upon the whole thing

janus is selfish. but lawful vs chaotic is where he comes through, in morals vs doing whatever. janus has a strong set of loyalties to the fae, and to himself

so like....Remus is just too close to Jan's stuff and he wants to take him down

Virgil is just like....exhausted and said "fine, but if i gotta do this, you're coming, too"

or at least figure out a way to protect his place, even if it doesnt mean fully taking out remus. just moving him would work for jan

Janus: virgilllllllllll hes going to mess up my magic storage locker Virgil: Jan, its empty Janus: but its mine

Yea. Remus attacks a city away from the fae: Jan: Yknow I’m gonna sit this one out Virge: oh no you don’t, get up

Or

Janus vs Janice

so his real name is Janus, but Virgil calls him Janice

Virgil: This is Janice Janice: with a “U-S” Virgil: mhm, sure Jan

I'm a big fan of just like any of the old theory name being various aliases for Jan

Damien, Dante, Ethan, Declan, etc, etc

[elysiashelby]

In Another World - T. Shelby Imagine Ch. 3.3

Paring: (Eventual) Thomas Shelby x Aliena Welsh (OC)

Fandom: Peaky Blinders

Word Count: 4, 479

WARNINGS: Cursing

Summary: Aliena Welsh has been living in the universe of the show Peaky Blinders for 7 months now. Tommy and Aliena have worked out a bargain on how he should be dealing with his PTSD. Will it help him? Or will it just make everything awkward? Also, she travels to London with Ada, but ends up making a new acquaintance. 

MASTERLIST  CHAPTER 3.2  CHAPTER 4

A/N: This chapter and 3.2 are both considered extras. You can move onto chapter 4 without really reading them. I honestly wrote chapter 4 before 3.2 and 3.3. So, that will explain why Ch. 4 is a little different. THANKS FOR READING!

“Ali, wake up.”

Instantly, me eyes opened and Tommy was there towering over me with his hand on me shoulder.

“What?” I asked, kind of annoyed.

“Get in the bed. You have about 30 more minutes before you need to get up, all right?”

All I heard was get in the bed. 

Say no more, sir, I will! 

With me feet, I launched meself into his bed and pulled the covers over me body. Me left arm and neck ached like a mother, but I was determined to go back to sleep.

Through squinted eyes, I watched him leave and once he did, I closed me eyes. 

When me eyes opened again, I checked the clock. I only had a minute left to myself. I sighed tiredly. I ruffled the front of me hair, playing with it a little bit then hauled myself up. I made up Tommy’s bed, then left. 

I opened the door to me room, went in, and immediately walked to the mirror. I looked at me bruises. There was literally like no change. I sucked on me teeth before looking away. 

‘What the kinel am I going to do now?’

I didn’t have another turtleneck dress. I huffed while shuffling through me clothes. There was absolutely nothing in me closet that would cover me neck. I picked a dress that had like a “mid-necklike.” It didn’t cover it fully, but it got most of it. 

I got down on me knees, laid flat on the ground, and then pulled out me suitcases from under the bed. I opened them both up. I rummaged to find anything that resembled scarfs, and Lady Luck was on me side today ‘cause I found a couple! 

I smiled in delight and chose the one that went best with me pale pink dress. I put it on, put back all the items I took out, and slid them underneath me bed. I got up only to take off the scarf because I had to do me hair. 

Once I was done, I went downstairs. Polly was there, drinking her morning tea. 

“G’morning, Pol.” I said while aiming for the stove.

“Mornin’, Ali.” Polly replied, “Today, I need you to go to get groceries.”

I nodded, but then it struck me. Lizzie’s been getting the groceries for John. I hummed while looking at Pol. 

I started. “So, Polly about John’s groceries...?”

“Yes?”

“Last time I got them, the house was already packed.”

“What?” She asked loudly. I heard her cup clink on the table.

“Yeah. I think John found ‘imself a woman.”

“No shit!” Polly huffed before laughing. “Finally! I mean those kids of his have been needing a mother, Ali. They can’t have just you. Besides, you’re the nanny. Oh, I hope it’s someone who won’t break his heart. Did you see her?”

I couldn’t exactly lie to her outright. I mean this woman can tell when Tommy is lying, you think I’m gonna be the exception? Nah.

I nodded. “She had short black hair and was tall. Not taller than ‘im, but way taller than me. Like way taller.”

I heard her light a match then a puff. She chuckled. “Aliena, sorry to break it to you, but everyone is taller than you. Finn will end up passing you in a year!” 

Oh, did that make her laugh!

I looked at her from the corner of me eye and made a “tch” sound. 

She walked over to me with her arms open, so she could hug me. “Oh, I’m sorry. But you have to admit it. How short are you again?”

“5 feet.” I grumbled.

“What-? What was that?”

“5 feet.” I said clearer this time, but still soft.

Pol stepped away from me and patted my head. 

“Ali, you’re only 5 feet?” Ada yelled while coming into the room. 

I groaned loudly. I whispered to myself, “For fuck’s sake!” 

“Yep, I’m only 5 feet and a quarter of an inch.” I said loudly.

A chair scraped against the floor. “Huh, how about that! I thought that you had to have been, what, 5’2. But, 5 feet, wow!”

“Yeah, shut it.” 

Ada had a smug smile. I put her food down in front of her and then Polly’s. I had to finish making me own scran. Ada and Polly were talking. I was just swaying while cooking. 

“Aliena, how would you like to have the day off?” Polly asked.

I twirled ‘round to face her. “Really?” The excitement practically dripped from me voice. 

“Yeah. You and Ada should go into the city. Have a girls day! I’ll take care of the kids today.”

Me gaze shifted to Ada. Me excitement gone. She avoided me eyes. I sighed. “Okay, then! Thanks so much, Polly!”

I was halfway done with me scran when Polly got up and put her dishes in the sink. She walked over to the both of us and rubbed our shoulders before heading off. 

I waited ‘til I heard the door slammed shut and then kicked Ada under the table. 

“Ow!”

“What the hell are you roping me into, Ada?” It’s hard to shout and whisper at the same time! She wouldn’t look at me. “Is this about Freddie?”

Her eyes practically bulged out of her head. I poked the inside of me cheek with me tongue, folded me arms, and leaned back against me chair. 

“Fuck, Ada! What do you need me for?”

“Pol has been watching me lately! She’s not falling for my stories, so I figured I’d start telling her that I want to spend days off with you. And hey, you get paid leave!” She smiled before getting up and putting her dishes in the sink. “C’mon. I’ll be with you ‘till the afternoon.”

I smoothed out me forehead, resting me elbows on the table.

I muttered. “You’re lucky that I needed to go and buy some new clothes.” I stabbed the fork in me omelet.

Ada and I took a train to London. We looked ‘round a few stores, but we were talking so much that I kept forgetting to buy clothes. True to her word, Freddie came to pick her up after we ate lunch. I was left all alone after that, sitting at a table sipping on hot chocolate. 

Yeah, don't care for coffee or tea. So, I opt for hot chocolate. Luckily, it was always cold here, so I get to feel validated!

After finishing me drink, I went back into some of the stores that Ada and I went into. I bought three new dresses that had a turtleneck. I also bought two regular dresses and a nightgown. I would have bought some undergarments, but they were just too different and difficult for me to like understand. They did have cup sizes and yeah! I'm not going to explain it. I'm gonna need Polly or Ada for that adventure. 

To be frank, walking around with no supervision was terrifying and liberating at the same time. I was deathly afraid of the possibility of a man dragging me into an alleyway and mug me or... yeah. However, it was also one of me rare moments where I'm being independent. 

I was in London on me bill!

I was walking around with me new threads when I was tapped on me shoulder. 

"Excuse me, can you help me?" The girl said with an American accent. She was absolutely beautiful despite the fact she looked absolutely bladdered.

"Ye wha?" I slipped out. 

"What?"

I shook me head and said. "Sorry, um, I said Pardon. What did you need?"

She chuckled. "Oh, okay! You know I've never heard that accent before. Where's it from?"

As I answered I started taking in her appearance with more detail. 

She had dirty blonde hair. "Liverpool. It's Liverpudlian. I can do an American accent, if you can't understand me!"

She was at least 2 to 3 inches taller than me and her eyes were blue. 

"Really! I mean you don't have to do it, but I'd love to hear it." 

She was quite thin. Her breasts were large, probably bigger than mine. Her body shape might be a pear like mine or maybe an hourglass. 

I started to talk with an American accent. "Um, I don't know what to say. So, I'll just say Hi and how are you?"

Her makeup was smeared. Her eyes resembled a raccoon's and her lipstick dragged from the corner of her lip to the middle of her cheek. She had her heels in one hand, leaving her barefoot. Her hair had previously been kept up, but it was now mostly undone. 

She giggled. "Oh my god! It's so good! Have you ever been to America? Is that why you're so good at it?"

I nodded. My analysis was over. "I lived there practically my whole life. I learned how to do this to like blend in. Kids are pretty vicious."

"Ugh! Adults too! I always get shit just because I don't have an English accent. I mean I wasn't born here, what do you expect? My dad was born here, though. We came here after my mom died and then he became an MP. So, I'm basically stuck here with no real fucking friends!"

She hummed while picking at the dirt under her fingernails. Then, she clapped and snapped her fingers. "Right! Can you help me get to the Ritz Hotel?" 

I laughed and nodded. "Yeah, I can help you. Follow me. You were going the wrong direction, love." 

I heard her mutter, "Fuck." 

We started walking to the Ritz. 

"So, what's your name? I'm Cassiopeia Johnson. But everyone just calls me Cassie."

"Aliena Welsh. So far my nickname has been Ali." 

"Did you have a different nickname?"

"A friend who I considered to be my best friend used to call me Rosie. She said she would know I was coming because I brought the scent of roses with me." I smiled at the thought. It was a true story. The girl who I considered to be my best friend back home gave me that nickname because I would always buy rose fragrant stuff. 

"How come she still isn't your best friend? Did you guys have a fight?"

"No, actually. It was because I moved here. It was a sudden move. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to her." I pretended to be saddened as I looked down at me hands. 

Cassie put a hand on me shoulder. "Why don't you send her a letter or something?"

I shook me head before meeting her concerned gaze. "She's off becoming a nurse. I don't want to interrupt her with my drama."

She hummed and removed her hand from me shoulder. 

"So, how far are we exactly from the hotel?" Cassie asked me. 

I hummed as I wondered. "I think about 20 blocks. That's about a mile, I think."

She groaned loudly. "Fuck! God, that lame party was not worth all this." Cassie rubbed her face with one hand. 

I smiled at the sight.  

"How old are you, Ali?"

"I'm 16. I'll be turning 17 in January."

"Oh, really! How nice. I'm 17 too! I'm gonna be 18 in February. When? What day were you born? Maybe we have the same zodiac sign!"

I chuckled at her peppy attitude, I just told her me age and she forgot within a split second. "January 24th."

"This can't be real. Mine's the 10th! We're both Aquariuses. This has to be fate or something!" She clasped her hands together as if she was gonna pray. 

That's when I gave her a face. I haven’t been around this much energy in a while!

She saw and stopped. "Sorry. I had a lot to drink last night."

I shook my head. "No, you're fine. It's just been a while since I've been around someone so cheerful. And someone who is crazy about horoscopes and zodiac signs. I had another friend who was like that. She used to swear up and down that she was an Gemini even though she was actually a Aries. I think her zodiac sign was correct."

Cassie nodded and smiled. "So, do you live here in London?" Her tone was meek and she kept twisting her hands. 

"No. I live in Small Heath, Birmingham." 

"Oh…"

There was a slight silence after that. 

"Well," Cassie said, "you know where I'm staying at, so maybe if you want to chat sometime? We could?" Her face was red. 

I laughed. "Yeah, I'd love to hang out. I work almost all week, though, so that'll be hard."

"You have a job?" She asked, quite shocked might I add. 

"Yeah. My parents are dead, so I have to fend for myself. My bosses gave me a room in their house."

"That's just-! Wow! You know I always thought about teaching kids, or working in a flower shop if I ever needed to work. What is it that you do?"

"I'm a nanny-slash-maid. I take care of one of my employer's kids. I make sure they are fed, clothed, bathed. I teach them how to read and write. Then, I make sure that all my employers are fed and that the house all of us live in is clean. I don't do all of the cleaning in the house in its entirety. I get help from my female boss. Her name's Polly. Yeah, she basically splits up the work for me." While talking, I was gesturing with me hands and nodding me head a lot. 

"Are they nice?"

"Yeah. Of course, they are. They have to be nice, if they don't want spit in their food." I looked at her and stuck out me tongue. We both laughed. 

Cassie grabbed me arm and linked them together. 

When I finally managed to deliver her to the hotel, she offered me a ride home. I took her offer. I had to wait for her to get dressed properly, though. 

"So, you live here by yourself?" I shouted since she was in the shower. 

"Yeah! I come here really on the weekends, or when I don't want to be near my dad! But believe me, Angelica's room is so much bigger." Cassie shouted over the running water. 

"Who's Angelica?"

"Angelica Sallow! She's the daughter of Earl William Sallow! She's also been my friend here since I arrived. She's a nice enough girl, to be completely honest, but I don't know. She's so stuck up. She always goes on and on about never getting married. Or, the man needs to realize that he's beneath her for the relationship to work. I swear I pity the poor soul who falls for her. And God, don't even get me started on her shadow!" Cassie walked out with a towel wrapped around her body and another wrapped her hair. 

I was sitting on a lounge chair with me feet up. "Too late, love! You already started. Get on with it!"

Cassie walked to her closet. "The name is Christiana King. She is the granddaughter of a Viscount. Angelica and Christiana have been since childhood, and it's known among high society that wherever Angie goes Tina is not too far." 

I made the word "Wow" with my lips, but didn't say anything. 

"I know right." Cassie said while buttoning up her dress. "Sometimes, I get the feeling that they are more than just friends. If you get what I'm saying." 

I instantly tensed up. The next thing she says will determine if I ghost her or not. "And so what if they were?"

She shrugged. "I think it's Tina that likes Angie. But Angie is straight, she's been with a guy or two in secret. Meanwhile, Tina has never been with one! Even if they wanted to be in a relationship, they probably never could. High Society is too strict about a woman's image for them not to be married off. Or, they’ll have to be married off for political gain."

She passed. 

"That's true. Poor Tina, then."

"Yes, poor Tina. You know, I've talked more to you than anyone else these past few years. I mean it's so easy to open up to you."

I nodded as I had me head tipped back on the chair. "Well, it's easier for people to rant when it's to a stranger." No consqeunces, usually.

Cassie laughed. "Oh, come now! Don't say that! We're not strangers anymore. I've told you loads of things." She paused for a moment. "I know, it's because you haven't shared anything. How about you get something off your chest?"

I brought me head back up and faced her. I had to sit on me knees in the chair to look at her though.

We talked the whole walk too. I felt a real bond with her. I mean if we decide to stay friends, then she'll be me first one here.

 "Alright!" I said. "Let's see… Oh, well I find one of my bosses attractive."

Cassie gasped. "No way!"

"Yep! Oh, Cassie, if you'd only seen him. He is so fit! His eyes are so dreamy and his cheekbones are so defined!"

"Aliena, how old is he?"

"He's 28. We're 12 years apart."

"Huh, not too bad. By my luck, I'll never meet a decent guy and will be married to a guy three times my age."

"Eee!" I exclaimed in disgust. 

She gave me the same face. 

"Well, are you gonna pursue him?" She asked while doing her makeup. 

"I don’t want to make the first move. Plus, I'd doubt he'd even see me in that way. He's not exactly an open book, ya know. So, you have to be slow and patient with him. He's barely let me in like a month ago and we've known each for seven months now. But you know what, that makes sense. I mean the man is 28 and if we did get chummy fast, that would've been weird, to say the least."

"That's true. But can't say it would be illegal. Age of consent is 16 here."

"Maybe so, but it goes against a lot of social constructs and moral values and ethical principles of our modern society."

We both hummed. 

"Would you mind being with a 28 year old?" I asked. 

"Nope. I wouldn't even mind a 38 year old as long as he was good-looking and wealthy." She smiled at me through the mirror. 

Me mouth fell open in shock. The corners of me mouth turned into a smile. "Cassie, you're my fucking soulmate!"

We started having a big 'ol laughing fit. 

When we calmed down, I said. "But I'm still not going to do anything! I admit he's very attractive, but he is my boss. I need this job and helping him find happiness is completely fine with me."

"Aw, aren't you a saint!" Cassie exclaimed, quite sarcastically. 

"Was that sarcasm, Cassie?"

She stuck her tongue out at me. 

I scoffed playfully! “Oh, I don’t play with sarcasm!"

I leaped for her and she screamed. Let's just say the fight ended in a draw. Yeah, a nice tie!

When we finished, we went down and Cassie had her car running to take me home. I felt pity for the driver who was probably waiting for a good two hours. 

'I've done this loads of times. I've relinquished all of me troubles and secrets to a person who claims they want to be me bestest of all best friends, only for us never to contact each other again. It's disappointing, but again- I'm used to it.'

I hopped out of her car and waved her goodbye. 

"Next time, I won't go for the back of your knees!" Cassie yelled. 

"Ta' even though we both know that's a cheap shot." 

She stuck her tongue at me and I did the same. Then, she left and I watched. A weird pit in me stomach formed. 

'It sucks to get used to something so sad. I really just wanted that movie trope kind of best friend, but I never had it before. I wanted Cassie to be it. But only time will tell.'

I sighed heavily, kicking a pebble before turning around and unlocking the door. I heard the sound of shoes against the floor, but I didn't pay attention to it. 

“And where the fuck have you been?” Polly shouted.

Me eyes almost came out of me head. She was yelling at me.

“Wha-?”

“Do you realize what time it is? Do you?”

“I, uh. Innit about 8?”

“It’s 10 pm, Aliena. 10 pm!”

I pursed me lips while looking down at me shoes. “Oh…” I let out a nervous chuckle.

“Oh. All she says is ‘Oh’.”

Tommy cleared his throat. “Ali, Ada said she lost you while youse were shopping. What ‘appened?”

I looked at Ada. She was biting her nails with her gaze trained away from me. 

The little-!

I sighed, tightly closing me eyes before making up at lie. “Yeah, something caught me eye at a different shop. I just went out of the shop we were in without even realizing it. When I went back, she was already gone. Then, there was this girl who needed help with directions and I helped her out and I made a friend. She gave me a ride home.” I was switching me weight on each leg, bouncing like a divvy.

Thomas sighed. A ciggie in his hands. “There you have it, Pol. She made a friend.”

The crowd dispersed while Polly walked over to me. She put her hands on me arms. “Never run off by yourself like that again. Understand me?” She said.

I nodded. “Never again.”

Polly pulled me into her arms and hugged me. 

“Go on. Go to bed.” She pushed me towards the staircase while a hand flew to her mouth, covering it.

I did as she wanted.

I was just abar done brushing out the tangles in me hair when there was a knock on me door. 

“Come in.” I said.

The door opened ‘n Tommy walked in. I gave him a tight lipped smile.

He cleared his throat. “Are we doing this therapy thing t’night, or?”

“Yeah. Yep.” I put down me hairbrush and started walking toward him.

Tommy curtly nodded, turned ‘round, and walked into his room. 

I’m not going to lie. It was very awkward. 

Very stiffy, he sat down on his bed while I stood there, kinda just watchin’. Then, he rolled over to his side and laid down. 

Once he did, I found me same spot. I sat down at his bedside, me arms folded and resting on a sliver of space on the bed. 

I barely opened me mouth to start talking when I was rudely interrupted. 

“No. I don’t like this. Get on the bed. I can’t have you falling asleep there like last time.” 

He grabbed me arms and started pulling me into the bed. 

I reflexively snickered. “Wait! Wait.”

“What?” He asked with his beautiful, enchanting eyes staring up at me. 

I was standing on me knees on the bed, his hands still on me arms. 

“Can I be on the other side?” I asked.

He blinked rapidly. “Why?”

“I don’t like sleepin’ so close to the door. If someone comes in, you’ll die first, then me.” I shook me head as if that was the most obvious piece of information that everyone knew.

Tommy laughed. He actually laughed at me. “Yeah, whatever. Fine by me.”

He let go of me arms and started shuffling back to where he originally laid. I, on the other hand, climbed over his lap to get where I wanted. 

Once I was there, I sat criss-cross applesauce style with me hands in me lap. It was just for safety reasons. I didn’t want him to accidentally see me undies. 

A silence enveloped the room.

I huffed before deciding to start talking. “Ok! The friend I made today was a girl around my age. Her name is Cassie ‘n she’s staying at the Ritz Hotel. It’s a real classy joint. Made me feel small, but whatever. She’s really air-headed like I coulda been a thief and nicked some of her stuff, but she let me into her room without a thought. But, you know a lot of people back home always told me that I looked really innocent despite me ‘aving a resting bitch face.” 

Tommy snorted.

“It’s not funny!” I pushed him. “Kids at school wouldn’t talk to me ‘cause I intimidated them. Anyway, she told me that her dad is an MP.” His eyes darted to meet me own.

 I scoffed and pushed him again. “You liked that bit, didn’t cha? Geez. Focus on going to sleep, dummy. Close your eyes. Go on! Close them.”

Tommy scooted his body down and did as I said.

“She was really nice. I don’t know if we’ll actually be friends, though. It would be nice. We got along really well, but could’ve been fake. You never really know when people are fake until after you shared a moment with them, if that makes any sense? Yeah.”

I didn’t know what to say after that, so I started to hum for a little while. 

“Oh, I’ll try singing a song. And before you try resisting, it’s not any song that you would know. So, just shut up and listen.” 

Just then an evil thought ran across me mind.

‘I’m not gonna lie. I’m dying in the inside!’

“Happy or sad, Tommy?” Me nails were digging into me palms. I was trying so hard not to tick. It would either be a bunch of snaps or I’ll clap me hands wildly. However, I didn’t stop the grin on me face.

His eyes never opened. “Sad.” 

I instantly hated meself ‘cause the way this man said that one simple word broke me heart. 

I cleared me throat and racked me mind for a sad song. I couldn’t really decide on one, so I went with my default which was “Bitches Broken Hearts” by Billie Eilish. I went onto sing “Crazy” by Patsy Cline and “Summertime Sadness” by Lana Del Rey. Then, I sang “I’m Not The Only One” by Sam Smith, and let me tell you even though I had fun singing it- it was still embarrassing ‘cause me voice kept cracking at some of the high and low notes. 

I sang “ilomilo” by Billie Eilish. For me unexpected “final” song, I sang “The One That Got Away” by Katy Perry. 

Even though I was sure he was asleep, I still sang until it was more yawns than lyrics. The difference was that I was singing anything I wanted. Since I was already singing Katy Perry, I sang “Teenage Dream.” 

Me final song was “Boyfriend” by Best Coast. I gave up halfway, laid down, and fell asleep.

TAG LIST: @amirahiddleston​ @nemesis729​

[fthnfrouz]

Hm so i just reblogged a lot of things since i reactivated this blog of mine hahahha. It’s been soo long. Tumblr is such a peaceful place haha. Since i already deleted my link of this tumblr acc from any of my socmeds, im making this blog my diary hehe. Just to clear off my mind from things.

So im okay, but im not. Hahaha. I’m doing so well in my studies despite the pandemic. I got deans list too. Like wow im astonished myself hahha. Im struggling mentally bcs i just unlocked my childhood memory haha. I’m trying to find my peace by learning to forgive my parents for what they did to me as a kid. For making me the mediator of all the chaos hahaha. For making me feel alone which somehow shaped me into the emotionally independent person I am today. But doesn’t mean I’m not grateful to them tho! I am! I’m just, hurt yknow haha. Allah says there’s beauty in patience. And there is acceptance in patience. I’m trying to achieve that so that I can live and love them again. I don’t hate them. I’m just truly broken haha

I distanced myself from my family these past few months. Cuz when i see them, i saw how i was alone facing things. I blame them for making me face that when they can just tell me to not go the other counterparts of the family. Seeing how happy they are and how incomplete i was, feeling ousted and don’t belong. And so the kiddy brain in me asked me to forget. Hush hush. Forget all the pain u lil tini. But now that i unlocked it, i feel angry. So i needa calm down and accept that past is past yknow haha i should be grateful to them

Hm as for my past lover story, pls i hope you don’t read this. But if you do, well just know im still in love with you since we met at your school’s workshop hahaha. He’s not my past, i still very much love him. Still attached to him. But i decided i get nothing out of no interaction with him and so i unfollowed him. Idk if i was just being all abt myself but i feel like he had a fake account and he was watching and just observing. My instinct tells me that or maybe i was just sticking it on me haha yea i think i was hahahhaha

I found his twitter btw but he went silent for quite some time now and im really both concerned more like worried, and curious of his whereabouts. I hope he shut down the social media to glow himself up and grow to be a more glorious man. Keep going student traveller you’ve got this *smiles*

Also im rly sorry for the weird interaction that we had on ig. I can actually talk yknow. It’s just that i was into you so much that i couldn’t put up better words for you.im better now that i learn the art of talking to other genders and human in general hahahah. Please take care and i wanna see you in love too. Marry the person that you see the value to interact with and talk your hearts out to that person. go go hehe

Yea i just could not move on from you bcs you’re a good person with good quality all of which i seek in a man. Your looks are just the additional spice. It was not your look that i was into. It was your eyes haha. And it still is now haha. Before this, i was afraid to love. Well daddy issues haha. But you looked kind bro. You still do. The fact that you play basketball too? That really makes you more attractive hahaha

Maybe you will change because everyone change. Maybe someone will come into my life and love me more. And i will try to accept that person. It’s unfair to find your quality in another person. So imma just try to love that man. You take care. Find your love! Haha

Hm about my life? Yea im pretty drained at my thoughts rn. Like i want to succeed but i also want to go? Yea. It’s wrong i know. But letting go and leave sounds peaceful to me rn haha. Like when you let go of your responsibilities? Yea. But i can’t do that. I am too clinged on to my responsibilities. That’s why im really tired rn haha.

I wonder what will my past self will see me as now. She’s proud,yes. But she maybe will ask, are you happy? Cuz i was yknow. Rmb our uncle? He made us happy. He made us forget painful things. He was our father figure. I hope you’re happy, adult tini. Hahahaha tears. Uncle’s not here anymore btw

Also im really grateful that I have my friends to still keep my sane during these online semesters. Honestly, I am really tired. They’re like the few ounces and the driving force to push me and keep going until I graduate. but hey! Doesn’t mean I don’t want my fast track phd. Ofc I do! It’s just that online school is tiring. And I can always do my dissertation better with physical class hehe

Yea so thats it for now iguess. Imma write again soon cuz this is therapeutic hehe. Bye!

[raemots]

14 February 2020

Well well well look who’s back at her tumblr diary. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing because the last time I started this diary was when I was 21, about to go through a pretty serious break up, starting to get out of a pretty serious depression, going through a solid 7 months of being a glorified alcoholic, and then graduating college. You could say there was a lot going on.

First off, I just read my previous most from nearly FIVE YEARS AGO!!! And the frightening thing was.... not a lot has changed. I still kinda feel the same way it sounds like I did in that post. A lot of my friends here in Syracuse are also really busy and have a lot going on and are too busy for me. I don’t really feel as bad about it now as I used to be because we’re all adults now going through adult stuff and it’s hard to make time for people.

I should do a little summary as it’s been a minute. So since I last posted on here, I graduated college (!!!) and then started studying for the CPA exam for the better part of 2 years but I finally got it done. Brodie and I got an apartment together and spent a year there having a FUCKING BLAST until he unfortunately lost his job in Cuse and moved down to DC. After B left, our friend Tristan took over his lease which ended up being fate or destiny or whatever because he ended up meeting my friend Liz from HS and those two crazy kids hit it off and almost 3 years later they’re engaged!! Life man. About 1 year and a half after Tristan moved in, we both moved out of the legendary apartment 4K to get our own places. Since then I’ve had a cute little studio apartment downtown. I also ended up getting a cat who I found in the parking garage across the street from my place. I started my job at a local accounting firm the December after graduating college and have now been with them for over 4 years and I still love it. The work is tiring and never ending but the people keep me going. My bosses continue to be awesome badass women and I really like it.

As for love life, boys have come and gone. There was a run in with Brian #1 that ended up with me finding out he had a girlfriend after we slept together and me pouring a drink on his head in a public place. Its probably the most bad ass thing I’ve done. There was also Brian #2 who I think was the closest I’ve come to actually dating someone and I’ve blocked a lot of that out of my memory because he basically ghosted me to get back with his ex and then 6 months later I found out he gave me chlamydia. I’m just starting to realize that both of those guys have left me with some trust issues that I’m trying to get over. There’s been hook ups here and there but those are the main two to know about. Stay away from brians.

Well my dear ex mike and I did stay friends for a while until he met his new fiance K (I dont want to include her name here as I dont know her and have nothing against her). Mike basically stopped talking to me after he and K started dating. Then I Iowkey crashed Johanna’s wedding with Terry (Terry and Jo got married btw!!!!!) where Mike was forced to say I couldnt crash with him and Mike and keenan bc MIKE AND K ARE ENGAGED!!!! which is the story of how johannah had to deal with mike and my 5 year old relationship baggage the night before her wedding. But the weekend made me realize how fucking condescending Mike can be. So I made it so he doesnt show up in my social media feed and its been a lot better for me but still messed me up a bit.

Other random highlights are going to france with geneseo alumni (fucking AWESOME!!! and WES WAS THERE!!!) oh and I went to ireland the summer after graduation!!! again!! fucking awesome!!

Well that p much gets us to today. Today is valentines day. Well technically there’s 13 minutes left. I go through phases where I feel perfectly content with my life. I like living by myself, just me and bean. living downtown and going out to grab drinks with friends. the occasional late summer night where you close the bars and grab pizza and stay at a friends apartment until 4am.  Then there are times where I just feel so dreadfully alone. I feel like the only people who understand me live hours away (brodie, erin, jen, amanda). journal, I’m going to six weddings next year. S I X. and 5 of them are people my age. I never expected to marry thing young, let alone meet ~the one~ but when this many of your friends are either dating or engaged or living together, you start to feel like there;s something wrong with you. celeste often gives me shit for lamenting about how single i am and puts herself in the same boat. But she had guys FALLING OVERTHEMSELVES for her. like i just thought of 4 or 5 in the brief 10 seconds i sat here. Even n**l is so obsessed with her that he ruined their friendship bc she kissed a random guy on NYE (full disclosure, he’s trash and sexist and we dont like him this isnt me being jealous) it is just me pointing out that she tends to always be the one being pursued. and I am the faithful hype man. giving her advice on what to say to them. If her outfit looks good. if she should go over. Celeste does all the same help for me, don;t get me wrong. but it usually ends up working out for her and she’ll get a date or two out of it. i rarely even get a text back. It really put it into perspective when she was livid that a guy wouldnt respond to her in a timely manner. Meanwhile Im here like “wait.... you get texts back?? regularly?!?!?!?! jesus fuckign christ whats THAT like”

Am i that much of a sadsack, journal? brodie says its because im very independent and strong and i give off this “i dont fuckin need you” vibe. which is cool if im lucy liu or angelina jolie however i do not look like the sex symbols that are those iconic women. don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely figure, especially after going to the gym. But I just don’t really think many/any men would see me as so hot that they’d talk to me despite being intimidating. Idk, maybe I’m feeling too sorry fro myself. Jesus it’s 20 fucking 20 and I’m still feeling lesser than and comparing myself to Celeste. It’s not just her, I’ve always felt iike the sidekick. alexis, andrea, mollie, tori, celeste, jen. They were always the pretty, likeable, charismatic one. I’ve always felt like the funny friend who hypes up the main characters storyline. I’m the Judy fucking Greer of life. 

I just need to commit and make a therapy appointment. I’ll email one tomorrow. It’s been my main 2020 goal and fuckin A im gonna make it happen. its been a long one but a good one. hey it just turned midnight, its no longer valentines day. thank fuckin god.