#i will be delusional til the day i die

[christronomy]

chan being the type of bf to shush you softly and say "i know, my love, i know," when you whine desperately, a signal to him that you're so close. his voice is so soft and sweet that it tips you over the edge and makes your orgasm hit much sooner than you expected. and he's so good at coaching you through it. he praises you for doing so well for him, soft, raspy moans escaping his own lips as he speaks because of the way your cunt gushes and pulsates around him. "that's it, pretty baby, cum on my cock just like that, so good." and he will chuckle so softly in between moans. he just loves seeing you like this, all sweaty, your face flushed a bright pink, so fucked out under him, mostly because of the way he's talking. he knows the effect his words have on you, no matter how simple they may be. how is he able to make words sound so sweet yet so filthy at the same time? the only thing on your mind (and honestly the only thing that really exists to you at this moment) is just him. and there's nothing that makes him cum harder than the fact that only he makes you this way, cause only he knows how to. and the fact that only he gets to cum inside you when you're like this cause you trust him that much is just a bonus and really it just fuels his breeding/creampie kink tbh!

[samandcheesewinchesterr]

full offence but y’all are so fucking weird for this??

like yeah it represents three people?? and the third person is shannon?? i don’t like her either but she was still christopher’s mom did you guys miss the fucking part where he asked if they could make one for her???

there are other people in eddie’s life besides buck ffs

[gay-dorito-dust]

The devil in the basement

Tag list: @mess-in-side

Idea: @vanillastrawberrylove

a/n: ngl it go a little shitty and sloppy in places.

You hated working for that eccentric old man who had more then he did in wealth then he ever did in health but how were you meant to sustain yourself? Even though throughout your mainstay as one of Roderick’s housekeepers had made you felt that you were being severely underpaid for a majority of the workload you had to get through, Some were pleasant while others not so much; you would often find yourself ease dropping on his conversations whilst doing menial small tasks such as dusting where you found out that the old nutter was asphyxiated with the idea of being able to bring back his dead son.

‘Fat chance.’ You scoffed to yourself as though you didn’t just ease-dropped on some personal information that was never yours to listen in on before getting back to the task at hand in the case of if you were ever to be spotted lurking outside his office at odds hours of the day. Yet the aspect of possessing the ability to bring back a loved one never left your mind; it went against the natural course of life yet that didn’t mean humans didn’t desire to have one last moment with their loved ones before it’s too late. You’ve had your fair share of similar thoughts but never let them foster long enough to become your driving motivator, your soul reason to live; You left them to die when reality taught you that there was a reason that fantasies were called fantasies. It was better and beneficial for your health that you gave those thoughts up before they became unhealthy obsessions on a delusional scale.

However one passing conversation made by two of Roderick’s pristine guests caught your ear as you were polishing the glasses til they shone as though they were crafted out of crystal. “Did you hear? Sir Roderick has captured the devil and kept him in the confines of his basement.” Georgina, a frequent visitor of the Burgess household, spoke no lower then a whisper yet no higher then an obnoxious dog whistle. It proven hard to not show that you were ease-dropping in on their conversation but somehow you managed to achieve the persona of the unassuming help. “Oh come off it dear, you know that old coot is just spouting off anything that’ll keep him in the limelight long enough before he reaches his deathbed.” Reginald, Georgina’s partner, responded as he lead the young woman out by the door, though not before stopping to retrieve their coats from a reluctant Alex. “I saw him Reginald!” Georgina cried, “mistaken it for the bathroom I did but he had starry eyes, dark hair, fair skin from head to toe. It wouldn’t be a far cry to mistake him to that of an angel.” She sighed dreamily, recollecting the man that was supposedly in Roderick’s basement. It was obvious to anyone that Reginald didn’t like the way she was talking about another man in front of him and muttered under his breath bitterly he said, “Lucifer was an angel once,” before shutting the large door behind them without another word.

You hated how easily your curiousness peaked that night as you found yourself being lead some those steps and down into the basement reciting Georgina’s words under your breath, “starry eyes, dark hair, fair skin from head to toe,” where soon enough you were within distance of a glass prison with markings littering the floor beneath it that ominously looked to be linked to some type of binding magic; A partial percentage of your family delved into the mysteries of magic once upon a time ago and got severely punished for it and now you’ve grown to possesses a fearful hatred of it. Sat depressingly within the prison was the most beautiful man you have ever seen in your life. Starry eyes staring directly into your soul, dark hair that looked as though he just had gotten out of bed, fair skin that glowed ethereally bright that you wouldn’t be surprised that this was how his skin was actually like on the regular; he was certainly comparable to that of an angel, a caged angel, if you were to go so far…a fallen angel even.

“Who are you?” The man didn’t respond, initially you thought that he couldn’t hear you and went to clear your throat before trying again, “did he hurt you?” Again you received nothing in return but his cold, harsh glare that might as well have cut into your skin. His jaw clenched and unclenched from time to time which indicated his anger and frustration clearly to you as you internally groaned at your own ignorance. Of course he was waiting to be freed! Yet instead he was stuck with your stupid ass, anyone would be fucking livid at the prospect of being caged for who knows how long that words no longer could convey everything. “Would you at least give me clues on how to free you? I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed after all.” You jested as the man merely darted his eyes to the binding markings keeping him tethered for a brief moment before they went back up to meet yours.

You huffed frustratedly, you could tell this guy was incredibly stubborn and petty in nature; so much so that it would make him a difficult person to engage in a conversation with without feeling as though you would’ve gotten better reactions from a brick wall. “Break the binding magic? That’s all?” You asked rhetorically as you stepped closer to the prison, looking over your shoulder now and then at the slightest bit of sound incase old man Roderick had decided to come and pay the devil in his basement a little visit. “I don’t get paid enough as it is and what a better way to tell that old fuck I quit then help freeing the devil in his basement.” You muttered under your breath as you got to work scrubbing one of the binding markings out into a indistinguishable smudge.

Morpheus tilted his head in questioning, how come you seemed to be the only human capable of doing what Roderick Burgess’s son seemingly could not? For without hesitation you went out of your own way to free him with no fear as to what was to become of you afterwards but more as an act of vengeance against Burgess himself, much like Morpheus would when he escapes this infernal cage he’d seen more then his fair share of. Alex Burgess was given opportunity after opportunity to free the dream lord yet never took it in cowardly fear of a father who clearly didn’t care whether or not his bidding was obeyed right down to the very last detail.

It didn’t take long for Morpheus to know that no matter what Alex did to please his father it would never be enough to earn a place in his blackened heart; Alex was forever in his own obsessive delusion that one day Roderick would utter praise upon him and therefore went against his better judgment in freeing Morpheus all for the appraisal of his cynical old man that only looked at him as a servant then his own child. You didn’t seem all that bothered in what was to come when the time comes for Roderick to realise his prized possession was gone, almost as though you’ve been waiting for an articulate moment to set it in motion and he ,Morpheus, was that moment for you.

He certainly wasn’t in the mood to start trusting you after being exposed to the ugliest parts of humanity during his imprisonment and was steadfast in his assumptions of humans being the same as the last. Cowardly, power hungry, pathetic, disgusting individuals who would do anything -including the likes killing one another and betrayal- just to feel as though they were the higher power looking down on everything and everyone. Morpheus didn’t believe you could any different from Roderick, from Alex, from the estrange cult that helped capture him in the place of his sister. He genuinely didn’t see you being to key to his freedom, he didn’t foresee your arrival as anything other as a false hope; and that the moment you came down here just to head back up as though you didn’t see anything out of place that would arise suspicions like everyone else. Yet you stayed, you asked if there was any way to free him, and here you were standing back to full height with a proud smile as you gazed down at your work which he followed out of curiosity.

To morpheus’s surprise, not only had you smudged out one binding marking you smudged out an entire third of them, the opening you gave him was big enough to escape. He could finally use the inklings of his powers after so long of being deprived of his tools. “Welp, hope that helps.” You told him with a shrug as though you weren’t expecting anything in return, “just promise me one thing will you?” Morpheus stared you down, waiting for the worst to leave you lips as you pray to him to grant you any wish imaginable, “make sure to put the fear of god in Roderick for me when you come back for vengeance.” With that you snuck out a vase from behind your back, rearing your arm as you used all the force you could muster to shattered the glass that was the only thing hold the dream lord back from exulting his wrath.

[seijorhi]

Hey Rhi 👋

It’s been established that I’m completely obsessed with your fic “Means to an End” and I was wondering if you could PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just spare me a couple more crumbs!!!!! Whether it’s just a couple of backstory ideas that didn’t make it into the fic, outtakes, lil fun facts, more info on the twins and readers highschool drama, or more info on Atsumu and Ames relationship, LITERALLY ANYTHING.

At this point I’m starving 😔, you could throw me a bone and I would die happy.

OBVIOUSLY I don’t want to force you or anything, if you’re not comfortable with doing any of those things, or if I overstepped a boundary, than I’m sorry and I understand. I wouldn’t be at all booty hurt.

This is just me being desperate, delusional, and annoying 😭. ( I was going to ask some questions but my mind is blanking for some reason 😃)

With that being said, hope you keep your mental and physical health 🆙. And in case nobody’s told you this today, we love and support you babe ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

-🌫️🌬️

nonnie do not let it be said that i leave y'all to starve

atsumu's not usually the grateful type.

some might argue that he should be. the talent he's been blessed with, the opportunities that came with it – but what none of those whiny little piss-ants seem to understand is that those things weren't given to him. he worked for them. hours on the court, practicing with samu, competing against him. drills, endless fucking drills, running til he puked, set after set after set, serve after serve after serve until he was practically fuckin' flawless.

he won't be grateful for his teammates, or his coaches, not even for samu. they worked their asses off to get where they are, too, and samu– samu's his other half. a part of him. it'd be like being grateful for his right foot or grateful for his lungs.

you certainly didn't trip and just fall into their laps – onto your knees, pretty mouth begrudgingly parted – back then, either. never let it be said that he and osamu half ass these things.

but as the girl behind the counter lays out her tray, glittering, shiny – expensive – pieces splayed out to show him, atsumu decides that maybe he has to rethink that.

because he is grateful, really.

ame might as well be a gift, wrapped in ribbon and fucking lace, delivered right into his hands. his sweet, eager to please, idiot girlfriend. atsumu grins, hardly listening to the sales assistant prattle on about the collection – but to his credit, he pretends, throwing in a nod and thoughtful hum every now and then.

'just get her a decent looking fake, s'not like she's gonna know,' samu had said. 'why waste the money?' the why bother goes unsaid.

osamu's not wrong, exactly. he isn't in love with ame, some days he can't stand her. she's fucking annoying at the best of times. ame's not the end goal here – more of a means to that end – but he's not gonna sit and pretend he's not kinda looking forward to breaking her heart and kicking her to the kerb.

but if ame's been good for one thing – if he's grateful to her for anything – it's that she making all this so damn easy.

always chattering, giggling, smiling, bulldozing over your worries and fears. not that you told her the full truth. he doubts that even she'd be able to overlook that, but you told her enough that would've raised some serious red flags with anyone else.

not ame. not his girlfriend. your best friend, supposedly.

what's there to worry about? he and samu, they've grown up since high school, matured, lost that mean streak of theirs. she's so in love with the idea of him that she can't even imagine the atsumu you're intimately familiar with.

he almost died laughing when, at dinner the other night, she'd bashfully admitted to wanting to play a little matchmaker with you and osamu over the weekend. like he and samu haven't already seen you naked, fucked you – claimed you as theirs in every way that counts.

and sure, you've always been easy enough to manipulate to where they want you. even without ame this reprieve of yours was only ever gonna be a temporary thing – til they got their shit together, at least – but fuck it all if she wasn't going out of her way to make it a nice, smooth transition.

he glances up at the sales girl, a grin already taking shape. 'the earrings.' he says, jabbing a finger at the diamonds, 'i'll take 'em.'

she deserves something nice, considering he's just so damn grateful for her help in all of this.

[whomadewaffles]

PART 3 of 3 of my Pjhazel incorrect qoutes! Sadly the last part.. at least for now. I won't say for definite there won't be more cos I adore this movie and this ship especially, but may take some time.

Same things apply to this one as the others, hope these were as fun to read as they were to make! This one became longer than I intended because I just had to add a few new ones too it especially the code names one because It made me chuckle and fit so well.

-----

Pj: I’m in lov—

Pj: Lov—

Pj: I have feelin—

Josie: It’s okay, take your time.

Pj: ...Hazel.

-------

Pj *to hazel*: If I have developed a huge crush on you, that's my business. It literally has nothing to do with you.

--------

Hazel: Autism speaks?

Hazel: Yeah, I never shut the fuck up.

-------

Pj: Horny doesn’t always mean wanting to have sex. Sometimes it means wanting to be beat up or stabbed or something.

-------

Hazel: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

_______

Pj: I- hm...

Hazel: be nice

Pj: Of course! I'm finding kind words.

Hazel

Pj:....

Hazel:

Pj:...

Hazel: ... it takes you that long to find-

Pj: It does! I'm trying!

--------

Ms. Callahan: You're not good enough for my daughter

Pj: YOU'RE not good enough for your daughter

Ms. Callahan: Excuse me?!

Pj: You heard me

--------

Hazel: I set off explosives to feel joy.

Pj: That's adorable.

-------

Pj *delusional from a punch to the face during fight club*: You have... beautiful eyes..

Hazel *flustered*: She's lost her mind!

------

Hazel: I have no idea what's going on but I am being so brave about it.

-----

Pj *to hazel*: Why do you keep looking me in the eyes? My huge tits are down here

------

Hazel *is sad*

Pj:*looks up “how to comfort someone”*

Website: “Do not make insensitive comments or mock the person”

Pj: Fuck.

-------

Hazel: Are you okay?

Pj: In what aspect? Phisically, no injury whatsoever and no signs of exhaustion. Appearance wise, I'm not just okay, I'm a whole ass meal. We're talking three courses, five stars.

Hazel:

Pj: But mentally? I could use some therapy I guess.

------

Pj: it may have been a stupid decision, but it was MY stupid decision and I could never turn my back on it

------

Hazel: please, stay out of trouble

Pj: Not my strong suit

-------

Pj *about Hazel*: *sighs* God, what a loser. I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with her.

Josie: I mean, you don't have to.

Pj: Nah, I'm gonna.

-------

Pj: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Hazel: Yes. It's February 14th.

Pj: I- Nevermind.

-------

*Texting*

Pj: I wanna sleep with you.

Pj: But like in the innocent way.

Pj: ...

Pj: Get your bitch ass over here and cuddle with me you little shit!

Hazel: Damn Pj, calm down, I'm putting my shoes on.

Pj: <3

------

Hazel: Sometimes sarcasm is laid on so thick that even I can detect it.

Hazel: This was not one of those times.

--------

Pj: I love you.

Hazel: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.

*pj and Hazel make out passionately*

Sylvie, to annie: You owe me 20 dollars.

-------

Hazel *after Pj insults someone*: I know Pj is very sorry and didn’t mean it.

Pj: Very sorry.

Hazel: See?

Pj: But I did mean it.

Hazel: pj!

---------

Brittney: Why are you ignoring Hazel?

Pj: I’m playing hard to get.

Brittney: Why would you do that? You’re already hard to want.

-------

Pj: Not much could ruin today.

Jeff: Hey overall bitch #2

Pj: Oh, Fuck. I forgot saying that summons him.

-------

*just before josie and pj find the other fight club members at the game to apologise*

Josie: Talk to Hazel first, and apologise. That's what friends do.

Pj: Urgh, I really don’t want too. I was just gonna wait til' I'm on my deathbed, get in the last word and then die immediately.

Josie: That was your plan for dealing with this???

Pj: That's my plan for dealing with everything. I have seventy-seven arguments I'm gonna win that way.

Josie *drags her to the football game*: Nope, we're doing the apology instead.

-------

Pj: Quick, Hazel, start talking about boring nerd shit!

Hazel: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word “nerd” derogatorily, it means you’re the one that’s out of the zeitgeist.

Pj: Yes, that’s perfect. Just like that.

--------

*backstory: the cheerleaders are at practice and the rest of the club are getting together to help plan a perfect promposal for josie to give to isabel*

Pj: From now on, we'll be using code names. You can address me as 'Eagle 1.'

Pj: Hazel is 'Currently doing that.'

Hazel: *high fives pj*

Pj: Sylvie is 'It happened once in a dream.'

Pj: Annie. Codename - 'If I had to pick a republican.'

Pj: josie is... 'Eagle 2.'

Josie: Oh, thank god.

--------

[lowkeychenle]

Songs that remind me of Chenle <3

Okayyy I'm gonna make a list of songs that remind of Chenle and any lyrics in specific or if it's the whole thingggg this is the most delusional thing I've ever done soooo keep scrolling I know it's BAD all songs are linked <3

Also this will be an ongoing list that I'll be adding to when I hear new songs okay byeee

Rainbow - NCT Dream

I think it’ll be okay, I think we’ll be shining The rainbow that connects our hearts

2. Like We Just Met - NCT Dream

Even if say I love you every day Forever still isn't enough

3. Paper Rings - Taylor Swift

I want to drive away with you I want your complications too I want your dreary Mondays

4. Enchanted (Taylor's Version) - Taylor Swift

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you

5. Fictional - Khloe Rose

I'd rather keep on dreaming of someone I'll never meet than give love to another one who won't choose me

6. Dream in a Dream - TEN

I'm staying up I don't wanna come down from your love We'll get lost together, let me flow Don't ever let me come down from your love

7. Sorry, Heart - NCT Dream

Not any of the lyrics to this song lol but hearing him sing this live was a 10/10 experience and it changed my life fr

8. everything everywhere always - elijah woods

Everything, everywhere, always Love 'til it hurts, 'til my heart aches The light in my world on my dark days For always you'll be my Everything, everywhere, always

9. Work Song - Hozier

When my time comes around Lay me gently in the cold dark earth No grave can hold my body down I'll crawl home to her

10. Nervous - John Legend

Like flyin' in the fast lane, no headlights in the dark That existential feelin' when you wonder what you are Got a wild wind in my head But the butterflies in my heart make it worth it

11. Complete Mess - 5 Seconds of Summer

I ask no questions as your colors take their hold As my darkness turns to gold inside

12. Stuck - Imagine Dragons

You were my one, you were my one When all has been said, all has been done You were my one, you were my one Now I am left reaching above me Time goes by and still I am stuck on you

13. Feel Like This - Ingrid Andress

I thought I knew what I knew what love was Guess I didn't know at all

14. Nights Like This - Josh Golden

But on nights like this I still think of you When it's cold outside and the bed is too

15. Never Let Me Go - Florence + the Machine

And it's over and I'm going under But I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in I'm slipping underneath So, so cold and so sweet

16. Nonsense - Sabrina Carpenter

Think I only want one number in my phone I might change your contact to "don't leave me alone"

17. Magic - NOVO

See me in sight Feel the magic Let your heart open Fight and keep going You won't be broken forever

18. this is how you fall in love - Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler

This is how you fall in love Let go and I'll hold you up So pull me tight and close your eyes Oh, my love, side to side

19. Dandelions - Ruth B.

'Cause I'm in a field of dandelions Wishing on every one that you'd be mine, mine And I see forever in your eyes I feel okay when I see you smile, smile

20. Never Say Never - The Fray

You can never say never While we don't know when But time, time and time again Younger now than we were before Don't let me go

21. I Would For You - Lauren Duski

Give you all of my time Lay my heart on the line I'd even walk through a fire I would for you Be the strong when you're weak Be the truth you believe Be the more than you need

22. Ring Pop - Jax

'Cause if we're gonna die, let us die sugar-coated Oh, we don't got a dime to our names, but we're loaded

23. Out of My Head - Theory of a Deadman

I don't know just what it is But I know I want this to last I can't get you out of my head God knows I've tried But I just can't forget

24. Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers & Coldplay

I want something just like this

25. Paradise - Coldpay

In the night, the stormy night, she'd close her eyes In the night, the stormy night, away she'd fly

26. Yellow - Coldplay

Look at the stars Look how they shine for you And everything you do

27. I Like Me Better - Lauv

I like me better when I'm with you I knew from the first time, I'd stay for a long time 'cause I like me better when I like me better when I'm with you

28. YOUTH - Troye Sivan

My youth, my youth is yours Trippin' on skies, sippin' waterfalls My youth, my youth is yours Runaway now and forevermore

29. Never Enough - Loren Allred

Will you share this with me? 'Cause darling, without you All the shine of a thousand spotlights All the stars we steal from the night sky Will never be enough Never be enough Towers of gold are still too little These hands could hold the world but it'll Never be enough

30. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

So, I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait, I'm sure There's no need to complicate, our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours

31. REALLY REALLY - WINNER

The most beautiful thing in my eyes right now Is you If my feelings for you were money I’m a billionaire I like you

32. I Just - Red Velvet

When I close my eyes, it gets slow Your voice, your breath, your smile comes to me again On my lips, the flow, your name I’m swallowing it up, feels like I could burst I’m running again

33. This Feeling - The Chainsmokers

They tell me think with my head, not that thing in my chest They got their hands at my neck this time But you're the one that I want and if that's really so wrong Then they don't know what this feeling is like

34. The Only Exception - Paramore

And I've always lived like this Keeping a comfortable distance And up until now I had sworn to myself That I'm content with loneliness Because none of it was ever worth the risk Well, you are the only exception

35. There You Are - Zayn

Need you when I'm broken, when I'm fixed Need you when I'm well, when I'm sick Friends that I rely on don't come through They run like the river, but not you

36. Ruin My Life - Zara Larsson

Baby, come bring me hell Let it rain over me Baby, come back to me I want you to ruin my life

37. This City - Sam Fischer

This city's gonna break my heart This city's gonna love me then leave me alone This city's got me chasing stars It's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong? This city's gonna break my heart

38. august - Taylor Swift

But I can see us lost in the memory August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause it was never mine

39. Broken Melodies - NCT Dream

I lay awake Inside my head Your voice is on repeat

[fullstcp]

"In Search of the Antidote" by Fletcher Sentence Starters

MAYBE I AM

"Here I fucking go again."

"I'm burning down my whole world again, just because."

"Your words are swirling in my brain, all I hear."

"You say that I'm a crazy bitch."

"I'm sick, I'm permanently numb."

"You say that I'm a narcissist, as if I haven't heard that one."

"You say that I'm ruining my life on purpose just because I can. Maybe I am."

"Maybe I am everything you say I am."

"Maybe it's the truth and I am delusional."

"I'm talking to myself again."

DOING BETTER

"Your girlfriend/boyfriend never thanked me for being such a pyro."

"I know you kept my number in cause you wonder, like, 'Where is she/he now?'."

"You say you wanna check in. You're only checking on how I turned out."

"I'm doing better."

"I don't know if you remember when I told you in September that you wouldn't recognize me."

"I always thought that I'd be happier if I could buy it."

"I've been looking for my center."

"Why does better feel worse?"

"After the glow up, I was learning how to grow up."

"I felt like I was flying, I felt the stars aligning."

"I always that if I ever got this high, I'd like it."

"Smiling on the outside, dying on the inside."

EGO TALKING

"Ninety percent of the time I'd say I'm pretty mature for my age."

"It's only half a lie when I say you'll find someone better someday."

"So, go, do it all, have the time of your life."

"If you're moving on, I'll still lie to myself that you'll never love anybody else."

"You'll never fuck someone hotter, right?"

"Hope my lips haunt you for life."

"Hope you stay brokenhearted."

"But that's just my ego talking."

"I'm happy for you if they look just like a version of me."

"If you fall for someone else, you're just killing time, right?"

"My heart is yours 'til I die."

"You'll never love anybody else, right?"

LEAD ME ON

"I was born to love you."

"You were born wild and free."

"I was made to find you."

"Your heart is constantly running, just never toward me."

"So why don't you just lead me on?"

"Something is better than nothing at all."

"The thought of you is torture."

TWO THINGS CAN BE TRUE

"Did we take it too far? Maybe."

"Do I regret it then? No."

"Do I regret it now that we don't talk? Yeah."

"Did I want more than friends? Maybe."

"Should I have gotten involved? No."

"Now you found someone else to hold you in all the ways I couldn't."

"It hurts, he/she/they make(s) you happier."

"You always wanted happier. I want that for you."

"Two things can be true."

"He/she/they can love you, baby, and, baby, I can too."

"He/she/they can still be the love of your life."

"You can ignore me in every room and still miss me."

"Did I expect this outcome? Maybe."

"Was I delusional in thinking I could be in your life after all this?"

"I still wanna be close to you, baby."

"I still wanna be known to you, baby."

"Everything you said, did you mean it? Cause I do."

ERAS OF US

"How are you doing?"

"Where have you been?"

"I've been practicing this moment for like twenty-something years in my head."

"It's nice to meet you."

"This is gonna be some movie shit we'll never forget."

"Forever we're young."

"Remember it just the way it was."

"I would fly across the country just to kiss you and be back in a day."

"We crashed just as quick as we burned."

"Now someone new gets a turn."

"I don't know you and it hurts."

"I didn't mean it when I said I was numb."

"I'm feeling every feeling, cutting straight to my guts."

"Lately I've been swinging fists and starting a fight."

"I've been trying to kill the memory of you in my mind."

"It's a cross I'm gonna bear until the day that I die."

"I've been practicing this moment, but I never thought I'd see you again."

ATTACHED TO YOU

"Come to think of it, I think I saw the end."

"You didn't get a chance to choose."

"There I go again, making up bad excuses so I don't get attached to you."

"I'd rather walk on glass than give someone the opportunity to hurt me."

"I'd run like hell and sabotage a good thing cause I'm so fucking afraid it could be perfect."

"I know myself."

CRUSH

"First time we cut was the deepest."

"Miss all the lies and the secrets."

"Call it quits, pull the tourniquet."

"You know I put you above me."

"Come on, I dare you to love me."

"It's a circuit. Looping around like a circus."

"I'm not really one that'll play it down."

"You're the only one that I think about."

"Part of me wants forever."

"You're hard-wired in my brain."

"Part of me knows better. Maybe I'll listen someday."

"Part of me knows letting you go will crush me."

PRETENDING

"We're catching up about all the bullshit trending."

"You crack a joke about kissing me, about going there, about loving me. I laugh it off as if that shit wouldn't wreck me."

"As if I'm not what you're waiting for, like I'm not in your ending."

"For now, we'll both keep on pretending."

"I say goodbye as if my heart isn't wrenching."

"You're everything."

"Turn back around, and never leave."

JOYRIDE

"Now you're getting in my head."

"How the fuck do these things go so damn good together?"

"You were in my dreams."

"Now I'm in your bed."

"Now I'm just forgetting all my exes."

"I think she's/he's/they're out of my league and I'm out of my mind."

"Steal the keys to my heart, take it out for a joyride."

"Nowadays, balance can be hard to find."

"You don't have to be the rest of my life."

"Love me forever like a husband, fuck me now like a boyfriend."

ANTIDOTE

"Launch me into your sky, remind me I'm alive."

"Let everybody know."

"Let everybody say what they wanna say."

"Let everybody talk."

"They all got their stories to toss."

"I know you're gonna find me if I lose my mind."

"You're my dopamine state."

"You're my sanity dose."

"You're the medication I wanna take."

"You are my antidote."

[steph-is-asleep]

What Your Favorite Karkat Ship Says About You

i’m going to be way meaner in this one bc im really picky with who i ship karkat with and i also don’t hc him as a tiny femboy twink, so i’ll say it again, if you don’t want your ship criticized, even in a joking way, just skip this

First off, I’m going to be a little harder on ships that are F/M because i think Karkat is gay, like as in only likes men. If you come in my replies saying he “canonically” had crushes on girls, i “canonically” had sex with your mom

and also comphet is a very real part of the gay experience

AraKat: you like shipping both of them with Sollux and want them to be a big happy polycule

TavKat: I genuinely don’t know what to think of this, i think you like crackshipping and we have very different ideas of who these characters are, or maybe you had a really fun rp one time

Solkat: If humans aren’t involved, this is The Go-To karkat ship, you like ships that make sense, ships that have a lot of material to work with and you also really like best friends to lovers

KatNep: You looove unreciprocated love/angst and im willing to bet that youre either straight or think one or both of them are (wrong) 

KarKan: you most likely ship them pale, and you love that the bossy pants of the group is getting bossed around, and/or someone needs to give karkat a shoulder massage and you want it to be her

KarRezi: You have been in the fandom since the very beginning, this ship is your life, you love it so much, or you love mean girl beating up her boyfriend tropes

VrisKat: You are hella heterosexual or a crackshipper, or a lesbophobe or delusional

EquiKat: Karkat is a tiny femboy twink to you and you want him to be with a big strong man/you like small dom/big sub tropes

GamKat:  You’re a veteran, there’s no telling if you ship it red, pale, or both, but you will defend this til the day you die or you love making edgy angsty art where Gamzee is abusive for some reason

EriKat: You love Eridan and you want him to have a friend/gentle boyfriend who can hold him

FefKat:  you like princess/pauper tropes, and also grumpy boy + sunshine girl pairings, but for some reason, fefsol wasn’t enough, maybe you ship Sollux with someone else, or maybe you ship all three!

JohnKat: You’ve been in this fandom forEVER, this was you first ship, and you will never let it go and honestly i have to respect it. You like classics and you like love-at-first-sight tropes

RoseKat: You are hella hetero, or you ship these two with Kanaya

DaveKat:  you like it because it’s canon and because you like yaoi

JadeKat: Heterosexual ass, you think these two are hetero, youre hetero, and/or you like tropes where the boy has to wear the girl down over time by being mean to her. Or, to be more charitable you like sunshine girl + Grumpy boy tropes or you like girlbosses

[weirdo09]

sobbing rn because of this

this beautiful fucking human is just so so special to me i love him more than myself, i would protect him til the day i die, i am his biggest fan i just love him so damn much like who couldn’t(really who couldn’t, i’m taking notes for my hit list /j unless….)

oh yea, this is a noah schnapp appreciation blog if you don’t like that then oh well 🤷🏾‍♀️

@thebylerfiles @verashalurks @butterflies-for-michael @delusional-dingus @ronanticized <- y’all get this, right?

[chthonicgodling]

@marscats37 - re: this [which is re: this]

1. Yeah I make that face anytime I wrITE ABT ANY OF THIS??? Just wait til I finally finally FINALLY get around to drawing specific beats from that Thanatos court scene like I’ve been meaning to all the past year dfgkfk I s2g I’ll get there and we’re all going to die about it AHH

2. OH BOY IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED ME THIS! I’m about to make everything worse!

For a very long time Nyx for some goddamn reason considered Thanatos one of her favorite golden children, so perfect and respectful 🥺 and she without fail all the time believed all of his sweet little lies and - even when time and time and time again he was caught bullying Hypnos/his siblings, surely it wasn’t ALL THE WAY his fault and she. was able to make excuses for him which of course Thanatos manipulated the hell of. Also I think she was mildly afraid of him subconsciously?? Nyx, like Seph, is absolutely delusional and just wishes all her kids would get along, nevermind the fact that some of them are trying to maul the others

Nyx isn’t malicious she’s just REALLY that dumb :(

She grew out of this eventually but like only within modern canon aaughgh..,,, like many years after Maci, Thanatos would pray on Eury, who was horrified to discover (via Epi) that Nyx knew full well what Thanatos was capable of and was turning a blind eye to it all in the hopes that maybe he’d just stop or maybe it wasn’t as bad as Maci had made it seem after all or.,, hhhhh well

Anyway though in ye olde ancient canon as detailed abridged (LOL) within that post, there’s a couple things I cut out to keep it all concise (LOOOOOOOL). One of which was that during that trial conference, after Maci pissed off her cruelly petty father enough for him to decide to utterly abandon her, and when he called everyone back into the throne room - Seph, Thanatos, Nyx, and Hypnos -

before he could even start to speak, Nyx had actually interrupted him first and. had the absolute audacity to address them and plead for mercy for her son - just the one, ignoring the other who had suffered at his hand who was RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE. His own twin brother. and you know what for that matter AND Maci, who’d essentially spent half her childhood and teenage years seeking refuge in Nyx’s house and THIS is how Nyx stands up for her??? By saying fuck the both of you I choose my piece of shit son?!?!?! after listening to HOURS of Maci and Hypnos painstakingly describe everything Thanatos had done AND WHILE THEY WERE BOTH ACTIVELY BLEEDING ON THE FLOOR THIS ENTIRE TIME FROM WHEN THANATOS HAD TRIED TO MAUL THEM AND GOTTEN CAUGHT EARLIER IN THE DAY??????

soooo fun for Hypnos to know that out of all the kids his mother couldn’t care less about the one she’d decide to stick up for would be Thanatos, once again very cool and fun

This is truly indefensible but I’m obligated to say in Nyx’s defense that yes Thanatos was manipulating her too, the second Hades and Maci had left them alone he’d turned to her like 🥺Mama help this all got so out of hand🥺; and that Nyx for the longest time thought this was being fair to ALL her children, how could she turn her back on any of them even if he’d done bad things?? It took a long time for her to realize that making excuses for Thanatos was the equivalent to turning her back on ALL of them. Once again she’s not malicious she’s just dumb and trusting (DOESNT MAKE IT MUCH BETTER)

Many years later she was finally the one who ratted out Thanatos to Maci and Tory when Thanatos gloated to her that he was toting around new secret weapon Chal, and that’s literaly how everyone found out about her but I digress….

[the-invisible-queer]

If I ask you your opinion on the Beatles and you say they're the greatest band of all time but you have no evidence to back your claim up it's over we can't be friends

NOW

If I ask your opinion on the Beatles and you say they suck and/or they're not your cup of tea that is different and I will love you til the day I die

I am saying this as a Beatles stan who is delusionally in love with Paul McCartney

[originalbydondria]

Unfinished Business

So I am not delusional about why I write but rarely finish things. The first posts of 2023 are pretty clear but let me sum up by saying that I do not have the financial privilege to pursue my art and purpose fully and so the time and energy drain of living and surviving prevents that flow of creation from running freely.

Welp, that said I am here to bitch about the cliche of discipline over inspiration.

Discipline often feels very much so like work or oppression sometimes. It is the doing of something consistently and "no matter what." But that "what" can carry a lot of pain, a lot of issues and obligations, and sure, excuses too. Thankfully with writing there's editing that can reinject some love and passion back into a discipline-ly wrote thing. But I don't know, dear reader, if you ever tried to write by the force of discipline, by the whip of consistency, AND what you came up with came out great. If so, teach me. For real. Because I have yet to find that to be the case.

So I tend to write by inspiration, or as I call it now, very rarely. Hard to be inspired when every new day prices you out of progress. Or when overthinking or any thinking really is fully occupied with trying to find a way out of situations that steal joy. When all the so called stability others say you have feels like an illusion. That the ground isn't there. But once in that space, even just a moment every once in a while, that feeling of floating, of calm and peace, of a glimpse of heaven when there is nothing but the flow of things. There's no time, just flow. It is hard to explain which is what makes it precious, dare I say, better.

Discipline, consistency can be taught or become a habit, I guess. But nothing beats the flow of inspiration, the call of the divine in the language of your purpose, that whisper of purpose moving something within that feels more right than any regimen ever could.

D. Ondria

02062023

To all the hustle til you die people, good for you. This wasn't for you. To anyone who felt like this and got out of it or found a balance, you are encouraged to leave your how tos. There will be a part 2...possibly 3.

[lovesicknesssucks]

For the guy I talked here before I'm glad I didn't get what I wanted, for the fact he wasn't a good person at all.

But when you grew up knowing nothing but all the darkest stuff I wanted to believe that when something feels good then maybe it's the day I will be saved.

Now that my friend mentioned it, I think I might be delusional with the way I think and perceive stuff but then again .. I never know when I'm delusional cuz you think the way you always thing and you grew up so bad you create crazy ass scenarios ( I haven't noticed til my friend mentioned it to me and I was in shock).

Sometimes I grip on that hope where what I feel can bring me close to heaven and feeling determined to never let go but damn ... I flew too close to the sun and now I'm falling as hard as Lucifer or something.

But moving aside I'm seeing someone and this is the first time I've been in a relationship.

It's a crazy ass feeling and I feel crazy all the time cuz I love my partner so badly, I am not as obsessive I would get to the other past people I would get attached.. I'm being calmed and he's nice and would listen but then even if everything is good there's always that part of me who feels like a beast, I'm jealous, I am afraid and of course with my disorder . .. .

I am terribly anxious

I wish I was "normal" in the way I knew the basics or whatever, communication, being a normal mature person but of course I have to grew up somewhere bad and hello I am extremely so ill, at least I'm trying (trying so hard) to get better for myself and I don't wanna die anymore

[hellsmatriarch]

I want to be reincarnated as a ladybug in my next life.

Everything is a futile distraction once you get to the root of your life's fundamental issue. I think I've always been a user; I use people, and at the root, they are what is the biggest addiction of them all. I don't fall in love, and I used to think that the feeling was so easy to come by, but after closer inspection, I've barely felt it at all. I'm young, I know that, but this is all I know so far, so my issues feel more extravagant now than maybe in a few years. And if I die now, they'll stay this big. I wish the future were ensured; perhaps it'd be easier not to live with such haste and fear. I feel like I stand out of the crowd (my generation), knowing that my life is short and time will continue with or without me. Regardless of what you may or may not do. Success and happiness are defined by you alone. Life is meaningless, so therefore, you define it, but on the flip side, you can just kill yourself with no regret. I feel like an older woman with this thought process, and I know I'll fall in love once I meet my mirror self. I'd feel less alone because I can speak freely of these ever-consuming thoughts. God, everyone feels so stupid, but what is common sense to them isn't mine. Well, not immediately. Like pouring hot oil down a plastic pipe will only later register to me as bad, but substantial philosophical theories make perfect sense. How could you not see the world in greyscale and as so complicated? How could a God ever exist to you? You're delusional. Not that I don't respect it; I'm jealous of your ignorance and of your peace. Maybe I feel this smart because no one can seem to engage with me in the way I so deeply desire. I need to be enthralled and entertained by someone's mind. When I imagine it, I feel nostalgic for something that has yet to happen or may never happen. Like I've lived it, it's been long buried within my sea of memories, but my heart faintly calls its name. Everyone is so superficial, but can they even help it? Our society thrives upon stupidity, and it's worse once you're aware because there's nothing you can do alone. The most competent people are pessimists; that's why ignorance is pure bliss. What you don't know can't hurt you, can it? All my affection for people feels like a temporary cure for the lack of mental stability I have, a distraction by entering their mind for a change within a conversation or conversing over our days just to try to convince myself I give a fuck about my day-to-day. That this is enough. It's never been enough, so I'll continue to dull down my intelligence til this suffices until I no longer desire depth and heart-binding conversations.

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 133

I think it's day 133. Or at least around that number. Maybe it's actually day 132 or 134. I don't know and I'm sorry I forgot. Anyway, it's the 15th of July, and day 1 was March 3rd 2023. I never understood why Tumblr didn't show when something had been posted. It just stays really vague like "x months ago". Maybe I just haven't figured out Tumblr yet, that's highly possible.

I had to go back on antidepressants a couple days ago, on the 12th of July. It was a really hard decision to make because I was really hoping I could hold on until after I came back from my US trip to see my favorite band, but I had to face the truth: I wasn't going to be able to hold on this long. It's a bit disappointing to think a year ago I was slowly coming off antidepressants, looking forward to starting university in Paris, and today I'm just this depressed, anxious mess, absolutely petrified whenever she thinks of her future, a future where she'll probably end up working 8 hours a day just to earn the minimum wage in some shitty supermarket. And I know I'm capable of so much more than that. Or at least would be capable of so much more than that if I wasn't so ill.

I was so mortified at the thought of dropping out because it had just never been part of my plan, whatever the plan was. I always imagined I would have a normal life when I was a child. But what's a "normal life", really? I guess maybe I thought I'd grow up to be this cis, straight, happy woman, eventually finding a nice man and getting married. I thought I'd do long studies that I'd love and find a job that pays well and would make my parents and grandparents proud of me. I thought I'd have my dad til he would die of old age. And I thought I'd always be a feminine girl, never overweight anymore, with long hair, and no tattoos. And I am none of that, and will never be any of that. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. But when I lost my dad, it's like my whole plan vanished because he had somehow always been part of the plan despite me knowing he was sick. And I knew I wasn't going able to follow my plan with such an important part of it being gone forever. Suddenly it's like I had no plan anymore. I just lost myself completely and fucked up and I know I'm turning out like two of my online friends who are a little older than me. I absolutely love them but I know they're unhappy, and they go to work because they just don't have the financial means or mental stability to study. I am the same.

I think most days I just hold on thanks to Alice. It's stupid but I have so much admiration for them, and they reply to me so often, and it keeps my heart warm. It's completely delusional to think this, but sometimes I wonder if we aren't meant to be more than strangers online. I wonder if I'm not meant to become an author, and she'd become, like, a friend and a mentor to me, because I am so young and she once was an author of my age as well. I have other delusions, like "oh it's fine, I'll just win the lottery soon" but I know that mentality only pushes me to gamble more and more, and for someone who has the most terrible spending habits, that's just very meh, and possibly dangerous.

Anyway, less philosophical thinking, more actual life updates.

I'm trying to finish preparing my US trip to see my favorite band but I find it incredibly difficult considering I fell into a terrible depressive episode about a week ago. I'm not even sure what triggered it. Maybe the loneliness? I may not have realized but since I knew my godmother wasn't going to be here for 3 weeks and my mom was mostly MIA because she was spending so much time with a friend, I might have been lonely. Not necessarily felt lonely, just been. Thankfully I have a friend who often comes to Paris and we spend a lot of time together. Like we spent the last two days at this massive convention, cosplaying our favorite characters. It did me a lot of good honestly, because for once I wasn't thinking about the future or all the stress from going to the US on my own.

For the depressive episode, I think what might have started to trigger it was after my godmother and I went to London Pride to see the cast of Heartstopper. It was this crazy, last minute decision and it was worth every penny we paid for it, and the shock of going back home after all of that might have been to much. Another triggering factor, and really what sent me spiraling completely to the point where I had to take meds was my mom. Couple days ago I was on the phone with her and she tells me about her friend whom she spends a lot of time with. And then I say I'm not feeling well because I'm so scared I won't find a job in September. And then she basically says, not as directly but that's what she was implying "oh, no worries, when you can't live in Paris anymore because you've gone completely broke and haven't found a job, you won't even have to live with me, my friend said he'd give you his apartment to live in". And when she uttered those last few words I was so angry, so out of my mind that I just screamed "I don't need some good knight to save me" at her. And I'm afraid that caused her to stop wanting to see that friend, and now she's isolating herself, walking 25km a day and living on salad and water one day, and everything she can eat the next. When she's not in a bulimia crisis she's in an anorexic one and the worst part is, she sees anorexia as a victory compared to bulimia and I don't know how to tell her that it's gotten too bad for her not to check herself into a mental hospital for her own good because she is just never going to get better on her own.

Life's fucking rough. I still have good things to look forward to. Season 2 of two of my absolute favorite shows!! And then seing my favorite band (although that implied a lot of stressful travelling)!!

Man I just wish I could sleep through everything except for the good moments.

Ps: the camping car trip I mentioned in Day 93 was overall quite bad. I was super sick with extremely high fever for almost half the trip and couldn't even stand up for more than 20 seconds. I had genuinely never been this sick in my life and I was getting pretty much zero compassion from my family. When I got home I went to the premiere of a movie based on one of my favorite series and it was a really good experience although I was still sick at the time. I went home for a while, saw my doctor who said it wasn't much, got better on my own, and that's about it.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

(He . . it . . whatever) LOL no lol

Call love whatever you want to, so long as it's love.      10-22-22

 "(God. . .) gave me the scenic route to die." - Father Stu

 Although I don't share his belief that a God gave it to me, I do believe I've had, and will have, one hell of a scenic route . . .

I had a moment of . . .delusional grandeur the other day, in about a week-long exodus from a business partnership, that was obviously (in god damned hindsight), doomed from the start, but. . .

But my belief in people and the potential of their hearts sometimes precedes the actions that will actually lead them there some day, so I'm not privy to their blossoming into the truly good people that comes later.

Empathetic or naive? Either way I don’t want to change that perspective. The hope and feeling that most people aren’t like this, is what keeps me going and helps me sleep at night.

Most of us can smell that potential for goodness on someone like a bad cologne, we just aren't always prepared for the whole. . .  “not being there to share in the spoils, because I'm still part of their life lesson, or their growth, or whatever the fuck it looks like”.

Am I right? It is what it is. Someone’s true colors aren’t always permanent. Sometimes, a lot of times, people shed old dull colors for something a bit brighter. Believing this some times has me hold on just a bit too long. Could be months, years, or even decades, if ever, for someone to truly get to their other side. We don’t have to get abused while waiting. Letting someone meant to be a chapter take on extra pages could cost us our ability to write the story how we want to live it.  

Coming out on the other side of this current situation, because the universe once again interceded on my behalf before I made a conscious decision to be malicious, vengeful, and just full of hate (based on hurt) equals . . .graceful gratitude.

Grateful.

That, for the last 9 years or so, in those few fleeting moments of weakness, of less than better judgement of negative thoughts rolling through my head, I am forced to wait. I get to wait, and because of this wait, it ends up just out of my reach and 90% of the time it turns in my favor.

Is it because I waited to act, or in spite of the fact that I did? Does it even matter???

Could be skill mixed with tact I suppose, but knowing I get good in this life when I put good out in the world sometimes favors me far better than even 80/20. I just have to keep it in check long enough for the outcome to sway my way. And the wait time is shorter and shorter each time.

And, unless I talk to you about the struggle(s) I'm having inside, you may never know anyways. Which is a win to me, but it needs to be in here for all to read so someone may not feel alone with intrusive, old habitual thoughts. Habit forming takes time and it isn't fool proof 100% of the time, not if you're a human like me. Lol no lol

For someone that doesn't believe the Bible, I do sometimes feel like Job as far as wins and losses go. Lol Just sayin'. Its definitely earned now though, in how I live, but at the same time, I feel like its better than I deserve over all. How can I not stay grateful.

Remember internal battles, as long as we're struggling not cuddling with those negatives, make us better humans in the end.

Now go, share your love and your laughter in your world. Let's spread kindness and love 6° at a time if necessary.

How long 'til our love and kindnesses reach one another? Pandemic virus speed, I hope.  

Until next week;

"WE…see OUR situation more clearly. WE are moving to something, not just from something. WE decide using positive data, not negative. WE are more likely to move from peak to peak instead of valley to valley.” - J.D.