#i will remember

[inolienkiki]

Why is it that parents like talking about “consequences” so much, when they really mean “punishments”?

Adults experience consequences all the time. You’re rude to somebody, so they’re rude to you. You stay up late, so you feel tired. You don’t study enough for a test, so you get a C. For any parents still confused about the meaning of words, this is what “consequences” are. They aren’t fun, but they’re risks that you accept when you mess up in this way.

Even beyond that, adults seem to recognize these as bad ideas specifically because of the consequences.

So why is it that kids have to face both consequences AND punishment?

A kid who’s rude to somebody not only has that person mad at them. They get punished. I remember a time when my 7-year-old friend slapped her little sister; not only was her sister mad at her, but her mom was too. This girl had to face consequences, and a time-out (read: period of forced isolation), and her next visit to my house was canceled. This disagreement was none of the mother’s business, but her involvement left my friend feeling distraught, ashamed, and probably even angrier than she did when she slapped her sister in the first place. Even if you disagree with me on the first point, and you think the mom had a responsibility to get involved, you can’t deny that she left the situation worse than she found it. This is what parents do with “responsibility”. …And that’s not even counting the obvious collateral damage, that I didn’t get to see my friend! To summarize: my friend hurt someone; she faced consequences; she was punished; she was punished again; I was also punished; the underlying issue was never addressed.

A kid who doesn’t study enough for a test not only gets a bad grade on their record forever, but often has to prove to their parents that they still deserve (what’s the best word…) “enrichment”. Kids who do poorly in school can be forcibly removed from extracurriculars and isolated from their peers, all at their parents’ discretion. Parents might also take away significant rewards, like gifts and school trips. (I don’t actually know much about this one, because my parents’ corrective measures were largely preventative— so, as a kid, I was never allowed to be unprepared academically. If these things don’t happen, or if your parents do something different, please feel free to add.) I think this example is of particular note, because there could be any number of reasons a kid does poorly on a test. The teacher could be doing badly, the study resources could be missing, or— most obviously— the kid might just be overwhelmed. School, along with after-school extracurriculars that kids are often enrolled in to facilitate their parents’ work schedules, is essentially a full-time job plus a massive amount of extra work, which kids are enrolled in without their consent and without recognition of its unreasonable standards. In cancelling extracurriculars as a punishment for bad grades, parents seem to at least partially recognize this as an issue— but they always seem to go after those few parts of a kid’s life that might be keeping them afloat.

A kid who stays up late doesn’t just feel tired. A kid who stays up late does so in silence and near-darkness, trying to relax, trying to enjoy themselves for once, while also. Constantly. Listening. If you hear a creak in the hall you freeze. You shut your laptop or hide whatever you were reading, and you fall down on the bed and close your eyes and lie still. One minute, two minutes, five minutes. Maybe it’s your dad, and you plead with him to keep this quiet, but you hold that fear in you the whole night and the whole morning, just knowing that he says he cares, but that doesn’t mean he’ll protect you. Maybe it’s your mom and you know this is going to be a problem tomorrow. You go to sleep with dread that pools and pools and pools until you wake up in the morning breathing hard from a nightmare exactly identical to what you’ve just seen. You dream about what happens when she finds you. You’re the one who starts the conversation, you’re the one who apologizes and prostrates yourself and promises never to be awake at the wrong time again.

That seems personal because it is personal. My parents weren’t all that big on dramatic punishments— they were far more inclined to lectures. But NEVER underestimate the power of a solid lecture. By power here, of course, I mean shame and dread and anger and despair. No matter how many times we talked, no matter how many times I promised, I did not end up going to bed any earlier, because I simply cannot do that. Even now, even with no mother to watch for light under my door, even though I still carry this same anxiety whenever I stay awake that late, even though I feel tired most days because of it, I simply cannot go to bed at a normal time. I cannot even want to.

I think that’s the core of it. I live with my consequences. I’ve chosen them. But my punishments— inflicted upon me by someone else’s standards, someone who was determined to believe that I needed every one of those talks— were never my choice. How I felt during those talks are some of my worst memories. And the saddest thing is, none of it worked.

My parents said they were protecting me from consequences. To put it simply, this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. This sort of worldview lets a parent traumatize their children repeatedly, while attempting to solve a problem that has nothing to do with them, in a way that will not work, all while claiming to be acting according to their responsibilities, and while failing to provide their kids with any functional form of support. If you think “taking responsibility” means hurting your kids so nobody else will, expect them to understand that the dangers of the “real world” you keep warning them about are undeniably worth escaping your abuse. If you think you are doing the right thing by assigning external value to your child’s actions and requiring them to meet your standards of behavior for you to treat them with respect— which will forever tie their self-image to other people’s perceptions of them— I seriously encourage you to reevaluate. If being a good parent makes you a bad person, don’t be a good parent. Be a good person.

If you’re living through this right now, I’m so sorry. No matter how well-intentioned your parents are, their imposed “consequences” should not be relevant to your life.

[strawberryduckmenace]

.....I'm putting up a reminder to eat lunch cause I haven't done that for a few months or so... Tumblr please remind me too-

[angelpuns]

I go by all pronouns :] but if your looking for specifics he/her/them

-🍬

YIPPEE!!! PRONOUNS!!!

[atticusfinchismydog]

“Why do you remember that”

My brother in Christ you told me.

Is it sadder that I hang onto your every word or that you expect not to be listened to?

[faaun]

WHEN ON PERIOD:

do not crash out

your feelings are NOT valid

do not send that text

don't kill yourself. lock in

do not act on negative emotions until at least 2 days have elapsed

[mityenka]

when you grew up as a lonely uncool girl it will never stop haunting you by the way. you will meet a cool person at a bar or the train station or at a friend's party and you can wear your most stylish outfit and striking eye makeup and you will swear that they can see through all of the facade and see the lonely terribly insecure teenage girl you used to be who desperately wanted to connect and you will swear that they know that there is like an insurmountable gap between you. this will happen forever

[alleesaur]

doodling a bunny vs doodling a hare

[bloodbending]

can’t believe tiktok is actually getting banned, twitter is infested with bots and brainworm-infested musk bootlickers, facebook is king of QAnon, instagram caught the plague from facebook and is dying a slow death in real time… and as the dust settles… only Miss Tumblr is left standing… failing upwards once again

[inolienkiki]

Last week I was in a conversation with a potential mentor about my interests in teaching and future career plans. She, a former high school teacher, took the opportunity to suggest that I might enjoy teaching high school. I just said, "Thanks, but I think I'd prefer to teach people who have chosen to be in the classroom." Then she started talking about degree requirements??

It took a solid few minutes for me to explain to her-- and, let me say again, she taught high school-- that an adult student who chooses to accept certain requirements as part of the process of earning a degree is not, in any way, comparable to a minor who is absolutely required to be in class, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. That I was not talking about the superficial choice of picking an elective, but the legal right-- or lack thereof-- to make decisions about one's education.

Shortly thereafter I went to therapy, and mentioned this, and my therapist started talking about degree requirements?? and I had to spend another solid few minutes re-explaining this distinction.

I'm not going to dignify this with yet another long explanation. I will just say: an institution which claims to support a marginalized group, but restricts their rights in the process, cannot be considered to have accomplished its stated purpose.

[fallandfloat]

Writers know this feeling a little too well

“i don’t need a list, i'll remember what i need. it’s four things. no need to write it down” thats the DEVIL SPEAKING!!!!!

[morganpdf]

Shout out to the next generation of yuri warriors

[lrndvs]

compliments from girls go hard

[cherryralts]

they should’ve never let me learn how to rom hack

[monstermonger]

~3 months traveling in my wife’s home-country -> 100 journal pages

[word-count-bullet-count]

I've been seeing a lot of knight posts recently. pretty great