#i would use the website but it fucking sucks and im using another account on there anyways

[the-post-crow]

WHY IS TEMU ON MY FUCKING DASH AND WHY DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY HAVE SOUND ON

[chemiste]

Voicemail. ~one-shot~

a/n: howdy babes, last night i was reading through @toothpastekissy​ masterlist, basically gobbling up everything and came upon Leaked Feelings! I loved the concept of it so I decided to write my own version :) lmk if y’all want a part two!

ALSO, i recorded myself singing both songs i wrote for harry,,,, if ya want to know the tunes i was thinking for them, comment if you want them and ill post em.

my masterlist

There they were.

The leaked files.

When you got a call at 4 am this morning, you did not expect your publicist to be telling you some of your exes songs were leaked.

“What’s that got to do with me?” You asked, still half asleep.

“They’re about you, Y/N.”  Well now you’re awake.

“What?” You shot up out of bed, padding over to your white desk, fuzzy pink socks on your feet. You opened your laptop and jumped onto twitter, scrolling through with one hand while the other held your phone. #StylesLeak was trending worldwide, as was #Y/N.

HarryUpdates tweeted:

OMG OMG RED ALERT WE GOT LEAK SONGS Y’ALL

FineFuckinLine tweeted:

OOF, what the fucccccck did harry do to Y/N? These are all apology songs!!! No wonder the break up was hush hush

E!News tweeted :

Hey everyone! We know Harry Styles and Y/N L/N stans are up early this morning! Leaked songs from Harry sales have been put out on the web for everyone to see. The two singers had called it quits 3 years ago, but now they’re the trending topic again! #shipname is now trending #1 worldwide, I didn’t ever think we’d see that one again! Go to our website for more!

You heard you publicist let out a big sigh, you put your phone on speaker and set it down on the desk next to you so you could keep looking.

“There are 7 songs, and each one has your name in it or as the title.”

It was a bit of shock, to say the least.

You had hung up with your publicist a while ago and were now debating on whether to listen to the songs or not, you had found a fan account that had the leaked files all ready to go for your entertainment, but something made you hesitate clicking the url.

“You Bastard!” You screamed, shoving him back into the wall. 

Mascara was streaming down your face, the satin red cocktail dress you wore now crumpled as your crouched to grab your suitcase from underneath the bed.

“Please listen, it’s not what you think—“ Harry started, you whipped around to the man before you, fire burning in your eyes.

“Oh, really Harry? How is me hearing you say ‘yeah Y/N is alright, but gotta keep the media happy ya know’ on a voicemail I probably wasn’t supposed to get not what I think?” 

Quickly, you zipped the bag closed, kicking your heels off and shoving your feet into your beat up converse. He let out an exasperated breath, tears starting to shine in his eyes.

“I—I was drunk Y/N! I was with some friends just joking around and—“ 

“Drunk words are sober thoughts Harry.” 

You snapped back, slipping your tench coat on and racing for the stairs, luggage in hand. You rubbed away the endless tears running down your face as you made it to the living room, collecting your keys.

H raced down after you, mumbling over words—

‘Excuses’, You thought.

Right before you opened the front door, he grabbed your hand that was wrapped around the handle of your suitcase. 

“Please Y/N, can’t we just sit down and talk this out—“ 

“There’s nothing to talk about Harry, you made that perfectly clear when I had to listen to you compare me some ‘other models’ while at a very important record dinner! I had to fucking sit there, eyes on me, and act like you weren’t ripping my heart out one word at a time!” 

You snatched your hand out of his and moved out the door, 

“Don’t call me,” was the last thing you said before slamming the door shut.

Bringing back those memories was something you didn’t want to do, it had been 3 years since the break up. Harry didn’t come after you, even though a part of you wished he had. Wished he had tried harder to get you back. But alas, shortly after, he started dating a model, Camile or something, and your relationship was tossed aside like yesterdays newspaper. 

You moved back and forth with your mouse on the link, eventually you closed the page. Instead of fully chickening out, you decided to go to your favorite platform for celebrity gossip, tumblr.

“At least one of his die-heart fans must have the lyrics written down already.” 

You mumbled to yourself, logging into your secret side blog about cats, Captain America, and cute outfits. 

After not that much digging you found a blog, harrysmygod, (you definitely rolled your eyes at the name) had a whole posting written out about it already.

“They’re sure on top of everything, I’ll give them that.”

You started to read.

Hello my harries! 

So if you’ve been up these past few hours, something big has happened! HARRY STYLES HAD SOME FUCKING SONGS LEAKED!!! And no, I don’t mean songs that could have been on the FineLine album, I mean OLD songs! 

And they’re about, you know my fav girl, Y/N! Now, we know their break up 3 years ago was very quick and hush-hush, not much details ya know? 

BUT WE GOT THE JUICE NOW LADIES!! 

The boy wrote 7 songs that got leaked, and you wonder why I know they’re about her? Y/N is a lyric or title word used in all of them! Thats right, all 7 songs. I���ve done the best thing for everyone and written out the lyrics for you to look through, I’ve only kept one chorus and each new verse, if you listen to the song and its repeated I only wrote it down one for you, blah blah you get it? 

Great! Heres the first one, it’s called Voicemail.

You took a deep breath and scrolled down.

The look on your face,

The hurt in your eyes,

Made me realize, my lover was gone,

I never got to say goodbye.

Oh, Oh, Ah, Oh.

The words I had said, not true,

I’m so sorry you heard them too.

When you came home in that dress,

Mascara dripping onto your chest.

I knew I had fucked up,

One voicemail turning us to dust.

If you ever hear this song,

Know that I was wrong,

You were the best thing in my life,

Now those flames have turned to ice.

Oh, Oh, Ah, Oh.

Y/N, please remember the love we once had together,

So I know I am real

And then maybe, we could try to heal.

Heaaaaaaaaaal.

Wow you guys, this SONG! Totally sucks that harry didn’t mean to release them cause totally invasion of privacy (sorry harry), but lucky for us we’ve got some info on what happened between Y/N and him! 

I’m thinking maybe a voicemail gone wrong? They could have been in a fight and he said something that cut too deep? Lmk what you guys think, heres the next on called Gone.

You scrolled through them, you read all the songs. Lover’s Funeral, Drunk Thoughts, Empty Seat, Your Sock Drawer, and then finally, Y/N.

Alright, we’ve made it to the last song my dudes. And personally it’s my favorite!!!! This was the last song leaked, but I feel the most important. Here’s Y/N.

Oh, Y/N, Y/N, Y/N,

You make my heart fly,

I feel as though I could touch the sky,

I only need your love to try.

My love, love, love

You shine brighter than any star above.

Make me count everyday,

I should have tried to make you stay.

Oh, Y/N, Y/N, Y/N

I know we can agree

That I’m a bastard

Im a flake,

You made the right choice

Walking out on me

But could I have

A second chance,

I know it would be worth it

In the end

Because I’d get,

On one knee,

And promise myself to you

For all eternity.

Oh, Y/N Y/N Y/N

My love, love, love

Oh, Y/N Y/N Y/N

My love, love, love

You gasped, basically jumping away from the computer like it was on fire. Thoughts raced through your mind, you grabbed your head, trying to keep it all together. 

He wanted to marry you? Impossible. 3 Years ago this man was thinking about proposing, then how could he say all those horrible things about you?

“He’s not worth another heartbreak, stop it, stop it!” You chanted to yourself.

While you paced back and forth making a dint in your soft white carpet, you had tuned out the notifications for instagram, twitter, and calls coming through to you. 

But then a certain dial tone popped up that you had only set for one person.

Ding!

Ding!

Ding!

You glanced to your phone on the table and froze.

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

Sent you a message.

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

Sent you a message.

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

Sent a voice file “Mrs. Styles.”

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

Sent a voice file “I Should Have Fought.”

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

Sent a voice file “I’m Sorry.”

<3

here’s part 2!!!!!!!!!

[cockbiteproductions]

multiples of 8, except in the misc section. all even numbers for the misc section

200: My crush’s name is: well well well this question again. you’re not getting anything out of me!!! they fucking use this website!!!

192: I am allergic to: nothing. but i found out like yesterday not everyone gets dermatographia and im kinda annoyed. what do you mean your skin doesnt get red and puffy the moment you touch it......

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox solely because of ah

176: Last YouTube video watched: my watch history says this, which is a scene from a show called billions. this scene in particular is about my favorite character asking about their introduction scene with their former mentor figure that they quickly outranked and asking why they were picked for the internship that lead them down this [entire shitpath].

168: Luck: [long sigh]. [puts on clown makeup].

[obi wan voice] im my experience there’s no such thing as luck. 

[rian voice] luck? there’s probability plausibility and actuality. luck is superstition. luck is lazy math. [winston voice] that’s what i always say.

160: Soul mates: again souls arent real..... nor do i believe that people are “meant for each other” on any sort of cosmic/larger level. you are more compatible with people based on your upbringing and your interests and your values and those are adaptable over time though some people are so different that they will never get along and other people match/complement each other incredibly well.

152: Phone or Online: lmaoooo this questionnaire once again showing its age. throwback to when these things weren’t synonymous. online for sure. what am i gonna do with a phone? talk to someone with my fucking voice? i think not.

144: Oranges or Apples: to eat by themselves? probably apples since they are easier and less of a mess. and apples are more consistently better than oranges. oranges, it’s easy to get a batch that just sucks. juiced? probably orange. i love me some fuckin orange juice. but i like apple cider more than orange juice.

136: Hillary or Obama: lmaoooo again.. the age of this. 2008 or 2012. going to guess 2008. obama but not like. enthusiastically. while he was certainly better than [what we got going on now] he still bombed the hell outta some countries......

128: Manicure or Pedicure: ive never had either but i would probably be more comfortable with a manicure. people touching my feet would make me ticklish.

120: Gay Marriage: the only type that should be allowed. sorry straights youre no longer allowed to get married. /s obviously.

112: Facebook: oh BOY are you fucking ready. are you???? im starting the readmore NOW because this is going to be something. i doubt anyone except robots maybe will actually read my deranged pro-privacy anti-facebook/social media/surveillance rant but im angry every time i think about it and if i were a more important person than a rando on the internet with a keyboard im sure facebook would hire someone to kill me one day.

FUCK FACEBOOK. FUCK THAT SHITTY ASS WEBSITE THAT AT EVERY TURN HAS BEEN REVEALED TO HAVE HORRIFYING PRACTICES OF DATA COLLECTION.

but before that, they need to pay some goddamn fucking taxes. they are profiting off the data of billions of people and getting away with paying SO LITTLE back. 

you ever hear about deepface? no this is not the beginning of a prequel meme. deepface is facebook’s facial recognition technology and facial recognition is fucking terrifying. that shit is as good as humans at facial recognition at this point. does that not scare you? that a bunch of computers can figure out if this photo contains you or not? it’s one thing if humans recognize each other, but another thing when computers who can process data almost infinitely faster than humans can are able to do it. the scale and speed at which these fucking nightmares operates is hard for us to imagine and so we are all not scared enough of what they can do. this kind of technology is so deeply privacy violating it’s hard for me to stress it enough. every image of you ever uploaded on the internet could possibly be put through facial recognition tech. and with the fact that there are cameras literally everywhere at all times now at this point it’s so fucking possible that if desired, someone could find out where you are at all times. and that gets SO scary when used by governments. are you comfortable with your government knowing where YOU are at all times? yes? what about if tomorrow your government is overthrown by a group of radicals you completely disagree with? you still comfortable with that? facial recognition is kind of a fucking pandoras box that we are opening and now that we have the technology available to us, unless we actively take steps back from it, it WILL eventually/already is being used in malicious, intensely privacy invasive ways.

and everything in that above bullet point goes for ALL DATA COLLECTED ON YOU, EVER. everything you’ve ever said on facebook is probably put through some multi layered neural network fucking robot who is learning how to understand what humans say on your input and also cataloging things about you as a person. it is doing SO MUCH more than reading the exact text of what you are saying and then picking up on keywords. neural networks are an attempt to copy how humans think by making an artificial version of a brain basically. in simple terms it’s a map of points and connections and you feed it data for a while and tell it what the desired outcome should be. it will adjust those connections and the weight of those points based on your data and expected outcome. that change in connections and weights is how it learns. then after a while it has fed on enough data that it will begin to expect what your desired outcome is. now imagine millions and millions of connections and points. it’s fucking huge. you ever hear about how we don’t know how machine learning/deep learning/neural networks works? this is that. it’s because they are so large and they have changed their weights and points so much that we no longer understand how it makes its decisions. ml is on a deeper level starting to understand what you mean when you say words. like a human. and can pick up nuances humans cannot because of its perfect memory. do you understand how scary this is? do you? i really do not know how to express this better how absolutely buckshit wild and terrifying the idea that everything i say online can be scraped and put through a robot and a profile on me and who i am and my ideals can be gathered almost instantly. how hard would it be to write a scraper that goes to my blog and grabs the text of every post in my talk tag? and then there’s free and open source nlp software (or you can pay for it) and you can feed in everything ive said on this blog ever. you can go to my facebook. you can go to my twitter. you can find my profiles on every online platform ive ever used and take everything ive ever said and determine what kind of person i am based on that. and then you can then make further distinctions based on that data. (sidenote: facebook wouldnt have to scrape the data on my profile, it’s all in their databases already. they have everything ive ever posted on public or private, on my old profile i’ve deactivated, every photo ive posted or been tagged in, everything ive ever uploaded to their servers or have been associated with.) and someone or robot can make decisions about me based on that data. it could just be am i likely to buy [this product] or it could be something much more like am i a threat? am i dangerous to you, the person using this data about me? what are my politics? what are my views on [this topic]? are they too extreme? should i be denied [real life thing] based on what this machine has determined about me from my data online? not to sound fucking crazy, but you ever watch that episode of black mirror? nosedive? and its system where you can rate interactions with people? how this one girl was trying to increase her ranking so she would qualify for a cheaper price on housing? how we’re already starting to see things like this in real life with china’s social credit system?

call me a fucking wack job but i think it’s so deeply creepy that we have digitized so many aspects of our lives and leave machines we no longer understand how they make their decisions to analyze every bit of data about ourselves.

by the fucking way facebook tracks data on people WHO DO NOT USE FACEBOOK. FACEBOOK TRACKS DATA ON PEOPLE. WHO. DO. NOT. USE. FACEBOOK. are you scared? i am.

i’ve been thinking about this tweet from @/malwaretech on twitter from a few days ago. text: On a serious note, social media tracking is more extensive than you may think. For example: those Facebook 'like' buttons you see on every website? They call home. If you're logged into your FB account, it records that you visited that web page, even if you don't click 'like'. doesn’t that sound a lil fucked up to anyone else? that facebook knows that i visited that webpage even though i did not tell it? that it will use that data to build a better profile on what my interests are and that it will use that data to better sell ads to me? i’ll be honest i am unsure of if facebook sells that information to other vendors. i think that might be not allowed but i wouldn’t be surprised if that data somehow got into the hands of people who arent facebook.

the fact that for the longest time you could NOT get your data deleted from facebook? that even if you deactivated your account facebook would still keep all of that in their shit ass servers forever? as far as i know, that’s changed now, but i would not at all be surprised if the next day it was revealed that facebook was Actually Keeping all that info anyways

the fact that by default facebook’s privacy settings are set to allow anyone to see most info about you? just this whole opt out culture is so fucking wack. it should be opt in. your privacy settings should default on the MOST PRIVATE and it should be up to you to ACTIVELY SEARCH OUT how to change them to public. it is ON FACEBOOK to actively cultivate privacy but of fucking course they don’t.

lmao cambridge analytica politics russia brexit trump. i don’t have the energy to even open this fucking can of worms but i will say that again, another layer of deeply fucked up that political campaigns can use that data to try to coerce or influence elections.

do you remember when in 2019. yes twenty. fucking. nineteen. 2019. two thousand and nineteen. 2019. i dont know how more to stress how recent but late this is. 2019. facebook admitted that it and instagram were still. STILL. STILL. S T I L L. storing passwords as plaintext? meaning your password that is “password123ilovedogs” is stored AS “password123ilovedogs” in their database. it is STANDARD AND EXPECTED PRACTICE that websites store SECURE hashes of passwords (not like fucking. md5 or something) meaning you do a bunch of fucking “irreversible” math on the password and store that instead of the actual password itself. so the db would be storing “298!79v@w8W#R;3,f9jf” instead of your actual password. anyways face. fucking. book. was storing passwords as plain text. which means if they ever have a data breach on their passwords db then all that data inside will just be your actual goddamn password. your actual goddamn password. what the fuck? what the fuck? and we still use this website? we? me? i use this website daily? i use this website on a daily fucking basis and allow it to continue to collect information on me? im so goddamn angry.

the fact that now in this day and age you are considered weird for not having any social media? super fucked up. the fact that employers will check your social media and if you don’t have one that is somehow a red flag? weird as hell. why must we participate in the world’s largest data collection scandal ever just to be a member of society? i cannot choose to opt out. facebook collects data on me even if i do not have an account. society expects me to have some form of social media and if i do not then that i am the weird one for it. if you choose to live a life of trying not to be tracked it is almost impossible. can you live your life in modern society without an email address? without a smartphone or laptop? there is an expectation that every person is available to communicate with digitally and if you find the practice of data collection abhorrent and don’t want to use websites that do so, then you’re the weird one who has a LOT of society’s services unavailable to you.

im not going to even touch on the psychological effects that facebook and social media have on people other than to ONCE AGAIN, say they are very real and deeply fucked up.

by the way check out haveibeenpwned. enter your email and it’ll check against databases to see if your email has been on recent dumps. i have been. lately there have been a few older accounts of mine that have been breached and it’s terrifying.

fuck jesse eisenberg man he fucked over spiderman crazy

fuck faang. fuck big tech. fuck data collection. btw edward snowden is a hero. fuck all of this.

104: The future: man we’re in for it. i am not optimistic about it at all. too much tech progression / not enough foresight / expansion/globalization of the world / global warming / political and economic issues are all coming to a head to make the world a fucking disaster.

96: Changed a diaper: never done it! i am not around children often.

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: having a vague idea of where things are locally. im very bad with directions.

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: answered already.

84: People call me: yeesa, apparently. i have a fair amount of nicknames but i just call myself teresa.

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: sure haven’t though i deserve one

80: The first person i talked to today was: soph​ because she wakes up at a normal goddamn time so i’ll sometimes have a text from her from a few hrs ago

76: Right now I am talking to: milo and a discord server im in for a group of friends i made when i was applying to college. though i havent responded in quite a while since i went on my angry facebook rant.

74: I have/will get a job: well i HAD a job for the beginning of the summer when i was a TA but i do not any more as that was first summer semester only. hopefully in the fall i’ll have a job as a TA again but who knows. and then after that when i graduate i hope hope hope hope hope i will have a job lined up.

72: Today: woke up. made a plum smoothie. played minecraft. took a nap. here i am. it’s all very riveting.

70: Next Weekend: it’ll happen for sure. odds are i will be waking up and eating food and coming on the internet and chatting with friends and doing a bit of writing and trying to learn a bit more html.

68: The worst sound in the world: answered already.

66: People that make you happy: will roland lmao. 

64: My friends are: well it’s basically the same people i tagged in my last post on people who make me happy.

62: My School: you tryin to doxx me? it’s alright. not the best for my major. and also stupidly trying to reopen for the fall because theyre greedy and idiots. it was like my 5th choice school but it is what it is.....

60: I lose all respect for people who: already answered

58: Your hair color is: black as fuck. im east asian.

56: Favorite web site: controversial but archive of our own dot org i guess. i believe in their mission and like how they have advocated for fans and have created a fan-owned space on the internet. they’re not perfect but i overall support them.

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: answered already

52: My room is: a time capsule of what i liked in late middle school/early high school.

50: Where would you like to be: im fine where i am. maybe visiting friends though. i would like to Hang With Them and Do Fun Activities.

48: Ever been in love: who’s to say....... what is love? (baby don’t hurt me). but for real the concept of love is weird to me, especially romantic love. i don’t know. i’ve certainly obsessed over people. i’ve noticed i kind of “pick people” to have crushes on. i can’t really say why. but then it creates a feedback loop of i pay more attention to them -> i think more about them -> i like them more. so i’ve made conscious decisions that have lead to me obsessing over people.

46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl but that’s just because people in fandom spaces tend to be women and most of my friends ive made through fandom.

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: kaity is coming to my town but we cant see each other because of a pandemic so im kinda fucking miffed about that. i didn’t get to see maria before she left my state so i’m also miffed about that.

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: lmaooooo no. i would just like to be satisfied with my life. would like to see friends. do fun things with them. 

40: Last person I got mad at: idk im not generally a mad person. mark zuckerberg probably.

38: I wish I was a professional: as in i suddenly have all the skills and talent needed to be a professional? i think a director &|| writer tbh. i would love to have the Creative Vision necessary to come up with dope ideas AND translate what i have in mind into real life. i would love the ability to be able to tell compelling stories that mean a lot to people.

32: Athlete: lmao if it was 2008 or 2012 i would ahve said ryan lochte but nevermind. idk. maybe katie ledecky.

24: Movie: am not much one for movies...... star trek 2009.

16: Book: i don’t know how to read.

8: Yankee candle scent: idk about yankee candle specifically but i love the smell of apple. 

[goopytoad]

Letting Off Some Steam

Title: Letting off some steam. Warnings/Contains: Masturbation, Edging, Mentions of fucking, BoyxBoy, Orgasm Denial, Mentions Of Grinding. Genre: Smut. Pairing: Dan Howell/Phil Lester POV: Phil desc.: Dan leaves to go to his parents house for a day or two. Phil stays home and lets off some steam while he's gone. Rating: MATURE words: 1,362 __________________________________ ___________ _________________________ "Bye Dan!" Phil waved Dan good-bye, as he left to go catch his train that went to his hometown, so he could spend some time with his family for a couple days. And that left Phil at the flat alone for two whole days, and that meant that he could do what he's been longing to do for months without hesitation. He needed to blow off some steam. Especially without Dan in the flat, so he didn't risk getting caught by him, and he could be as loud and open as he wanted without him hearing. Dan walked out of the flat, and as soon as he closed the door, Phil opend his laptop and turned it on in one swift movement. He hasn't jerked off properly in, well, weeks. and as a man with a high sex drive, that was absolute hell. He clicked on igcognito mode on his laptop- just in case Dan did decide to use his laptop for any paticular reason. Either because his died, broke, or he was too lazy to get up and get his from his room. He typed in pornhub, clicked search, and clicked on the first website that popped up on google. Phil was in no rush. He slowly slid his laptop down his lap and rubbed the front of his sweat pants, scrolling down the homepage down to the m/m link, and then he clicked. He was gifted with lots, and lots of boys as soon as the page loaded. He let out a shaky breath and he searched in the search bar, "Femboy Twink" That's what always got him riled up, it reminded him of Dan and for some reason it turned him on thinking about domming his best friend dressed in feminine lingere. The page loaded, and he sucked in a breath at the immense ammount of want he had for a cute sub, paticularly Daniel. Phil knew Dan was a sub, he had seen his search history. (by accident.) He had seen his amazon bought history, mainly consisting of different types of thigh highs and panties- Dan had made a new account and left himself logged onto it on his laptop, when Phil asked to use it to order something off of the site. Then he saw it. And he just acted like he didn't and he didn't ask Dan about it. Once, Phil was in domspace at random and was being kind of assertive with Dan. As soon as he let out a stern, "Stop, Daniel," Dan had fallen into subspace in a matter of seconds after that. And yeah, he had noticed him squirming around occasionally, and pressing his thighs together. And he might have noticed Dan's half-hard cock straining against the zipper of his jeans as he tried to gain friction without seeming to noticable, he might have noticed that too much than he should have. And later that night, Phil heard him jerking off in his room, whispering his name and swearing under his breath when he walked to turn off all the nights and brush his teeth. Yeah, it made Phil more turned on than it should have. So what? It's not his fault that his flatmate can't help but to fall into subspace at a demand from him. Phil took his shirt off so it didn't get dirty. He clicked on the video of a twink with thigh highs and panties riding a pillow. That, was hot for some reason. He didn't know why he liked it so much, but he just watched without any shame as a feminine guy rode a pillow in front of him, well on a screen of coarse. He did want Daniel to be here so he could watch him squirm and moan on top of a pillow as he helplessly humped it to get off. That's hot. Phil was half hard just at the thought of that, he palmed himself and let out a strangled breath as he wanted to touch himself so badly. But he knew that he couldn't last, and he wanted to make this last as long as he could. Then, the boy on the screen let out a moan. Oh fuck, Phil noticed how much this boy sounded like Daniel. He unbottond his sweats as fast as he could, his dick not comfortable rubbing against the soft fabric of them anymore. He pulled down his sweatpants and his boxers at the same time, leaving his red and hard cock to slap up against his stomach. He took two fingers and slid them over the top of his dick, and moaned at the sensation and pleasure created from it. Phil reached under the couch to find Dan's hand lotion, because well, he needed soft hands, I guess? The hand lotion was 100% not for jerking off to gay anime porn when Phil wasn't home. That's not what that's for. He let out a pump of lotion onto his hand and slipped it back under the couch, his dick twitched in anticipation and arousal as soon as he spread the lotion over his left hand. He encased his dick with his hand, and moved it up and down slowly. Phil moaned quietly as he stimulated himself with his hand. He didn't go any faster, he wanted to tease himself for as long as he could take it. It was now an hour after Dan had left, and he couldn't be happier to have him leave. That sounded crude, he knew, but he really needed the time alone in the flat. Soon, Phil couldn't fucking take it any longer and he went faster. "Ohhh, ffucking hell." Came out of his mouth as he jerked his cock, listening to the moans of the little twink who sounded so so much like Daniel did. Quiverd moans and strangled whimpers came from Phil at the thought of doing, well, anything that involved him on top of Dan and Dan moaning under him and telling him to go faster and faster until he came untouched. Phil's phone dinged. He panted and picked it up to see that it was a message from Dan. "hey. im on the train. just wanted to tell you in case you got worried." Phil let go of his dick, it strained against his stomach and twitched with the loss. "Thanks for telling me. I get worried sometimes." He clicked send. Another message came through at most 30 seconds later. "i dont even want to know what you're doing at the flat right now lol." "Haha. Okay, have a nice time at your parent's house Dan. And try to communicate with your dad? for me?" "yeah. sure. love you phil, bye." "Love you too." It wasn't weird for two bros to say i love you to eachother? Right? Ever seince they had met in real life they had been saying I love you to eachother. Because they loved eachother, as friends and nothing more. Phil thought about that as soon as he moaned Dan's name and bucked his hips up into his hand, he was so close and then? He let go and let out a cry at the immidiate loss, he bucked his hips into the air as he resisted the urge to touch himself and to bring himself to orgasm so fast. After a minute, he decided that he would let himself orgasm now. Phil grasped his cock and moaned. It was so sensitive. He rubbed his tip and ran his finger over his slit and jerked his cock. Precome started to leak out of his hard cock, he was letting out moans of pleasure as his orgasm approached quickly. He tipped his finger into his slit, and he came hot ribbons across his stomach. Phil's thighs clenched and unclenched, his back arched and he moaned Dan's name as his orgasm wracked through his body. He let out a tired "Phew" and turned off his Laptop, shut it, and wiped his stomach off with a tissue that were located on the coffee table because Dan had been "sick" the last couple days. He pulled his sweatpants back up around his waist and turned the TV on. He picked up his phone and texted Dan, "We need to talk when you get home."

[blessuswithblogs]

Top Ten Videocons of Twenty Seventeen, More or Less

2017 has, by all accounts, been a fantastic year for Video Games. Unfortunately for me, it has been a not so fantastic year in Having Money. So while in a perfect world my now annual game of the year list would have been a terribly contested and dramatic affair of cutting games I thought were good but just didn't make it, in actuality, I had to scramble and cheat a little to just find 10 games to slot in and talk about. I did at least manage to find them. Mostly.

10. Destiny 2

Destiny is a franchise with a troubled history, which feels weird to say about something that came out in late 2014. Nevertheless, Destiny 2's shooty looty gameplay loop finds its way on to my list. The story is tepid and the characters, with a few exceptions, are scarcely worthy of memory, but the visuals are good and the core mechanics of shooting and using abilities are a solid foundation to build upon in the inevitable flurry of DLC packages and expacs. It's all quite reminiscent of Borderlands, except without the unmistakable caustic ooze of Randy Pitchford's involvement. That in and of itself is praiseworthy.

9. Gravity Rush 2/Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze

Okay so I maybe didn't actually play this one myself. I usually try to exclude stuff that I watched and enjoyed but in this case I was sitting on the couch with other people playing it so that's basically the same thing as playing it myself right? I think I held the controller for a little bit. Anyway this game is super weird and charming and a little nauseating in parts because you sort of go flying off into the stratosphere randomly? But the aesthetic and Mood the game goes for is very unique and fun, it even has its own cute little made up language I mistook for French at first until I heard some Japanese and Spanish sounding words in there as well. The main characters Kat and Raven are dating I think? They're happy and alive girlfriends. Raven is a little broody I guess but they're definitely not the Sad, Dead Lesbians I have grown to detest. Raven is not Velvet. Just reminding myself. Tropical Freeze is just really good and while it maybe came out like years ago I only got to play it very recently on my friend's Wii U. The music is super good fuck you Jeff Gerstmann I will fucking fight you and your shitty opinions about video games you god damned grumpy old man.

8. The Surge

My Thoughts on the Surge are well documented on this very website. It's flawed and frustrating in a lot of ways, nonsensical in others, and the story never quite commits to its original conceit which is a real shame. All that said, I respect the game for what it was unabashedly trying to do: be Dark Souls but with cyborg powerloaders and robots. Like, you gotta live your bliss, right? Lords of the Fallen was utterly miserable and the improvements that The Surge demonstrates gives me cause for optimism in future games from the developer. Anything that gives me cause for optimism in 2017 has to be worth something. That said, the inevitable The Surge 2 is probably going to be kind of by the numbers and unnecessary but that's just how you make games in the 21st century.

7. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

To begin with, BotW would be much higher on this list if I had not only come into owning it and a Switch yesterday. It is by all counts extremely good, an open world game that's actually pleasant and charming and has meritorious mechanics outside of Todd Howard style "you can go fuck that mountain" nonsense. I mean don't get me wrong you can fuck plenty of mountains in this game. Link is fucking Spider-man in this game, the only surfaces he can't mysteriously latch on to are inside the puzzle shrines so you can't just cheese them. Weapon degradation is maybe a little excessive? I feel sort of like Bayonetta in the first cutscene where she keeps yelling "Guns!" when she runs out of ammo except I'm yelling "shitty wooden sticks!" when the one I'm using breaks into a million tiny pieces. I understand the reasoning behind it, I do. It establishes a certain rhythm to the game of exploring, fighting, stocking up on shitty wooden sticks, and repeating. When you find like, an actual sword or spear it feels like an occasion to celebrate, and the whole thing demands that you use a variety of different weapons and weapon-like objects. I'm not nearly far in enough to give an honest, comprehensive picture of the game. I just really like what I've played so far so I'm just compromising by putting BotW relatively low on the list.

6. Cuphead

It's Cuphead! Everybody knows Cuphead by now. It's gorgeous, the soundtrack is great if somewhat lacking in variety, King Dice is really cool but has extremely unfortunate racial undertones, the game is pretty hard (not that hard?) and Cala Maria is a babe. It's a singular game that is extremely worthwhile and hopefully paves the way for future games in a similar style of aping specific styles and eras of animation. I really want a game that goes hard on the 1950s Looney Tunes aesthetic where you just drop anvils on people forever. Cuphead isn't perfect, as a lot of the game's difficulty and length comes from bad checkpointing. It's a necessary evil, because if the game did not blatantly disrespect your time in a lot of the later fights, the game would be like, two hours long. I'm not a proponent of the "git gud" philosophy but I can't help but feel like I really want to say that to the various bad-at-games journos who got bent out of shape about Cuphead being hard. This is your damn job. You can suck it up for one game, especially when it's really very good and unique like Cuphead. Also my mom came in while I was playing it and thought I was watching a popeye cartoon so that was kind of cute I guess.

5. Civilization 6 (CHEATING AGAIN)

YEAH I KNOW THIS GAME CAME OUT LAST YEAR AND IM A HUGE IDIOT FUCKER but hear me out Civ6 is really fucking good because of the fact that Wonders take up physical space on the map and districting does the same thing. Like just this single mechanical change basically doubles the amount of thought and planning you need to put into playing the game even on low difficulties to optimize your output and production. Like it's a civilization game so there's not really anything too groundbreaking here but I fucking adore this game. Really looking forward to Rise and Fall, which will be early 2018. With the initial release being late 2016 I feel like this is like, an honorary 2017 game. Don't @ me.

4. Hollow Knight

Hollow Knight is another game I wrote about previously on the blog, but unlike The Surge I had basically nothing but good things to say about it. Hollow Knight has gorgeous hand drawn graphics and environments not entirely unlike Cuphead, but obviously goes for a much more reserved mood. Hollow Knight is a rock solid Metroidvania game with strong aesthetic and musical chops to back it up, as well as some Dark Souls-esque flourishes to give the game a bit of bite and a haunting narrative arc. A fantastic indie game and I can't wait to see what Team Cherry does next. I need to get around to doing the Halloween DLC, come to think of it. Did you know Zote actually has as many precepts as he says he does? I listened to them all. Some of them aren't too bad.

3. Nioh

Geralt the Witcher's moonlighting adventure as a samurai came out quite early in 2017, but remains one of the best games of the year due to its complex and rewarding combat system, beautiful Warring Kingdoms era Japanese architecture inspirations, fun mythological monster designs, and genuinely well done historical fiction backdrop. Coming into it, I fully expected "Dark Souls except the bosses are like Tengus and Nues and shit", but that description does the game a pretty big disservice. It's much more than that, both from a narrative standpoint, which is a fantastically tinged retelling of the Warring Kingdoms period, and from a gameplay one. The combat in Nioh is much more technical than in Dark Souls, with more pretensions of a combo based character action game than the deliberate, heavily customizable experience of the Souls games. Nioh is still quite hard and has the whole death-recovery mechanic, but it makes sense diegetically due to Guardian Spirit system and remains distinct. There are times when it tries to have the best of both worlds and just kind of ends up feeling like it doesn't do a good job at either, but for the most part, Nioh is tremendously fun, and at times infuriatingly difficult, especially in some of the post game optional battles that pit you against multiple bosses at once. Also, finding Kodamas is extremely rewarding because they are so damn cute. I love them. Find them at all costs.

2. Nier: Automata

Nier: Automata, Yoko Taro's latest brainchild, is, well, what it is. It's a hauntingly weird story about what it means to be human, and if that definition is really even adequate. It's a game with a lot to say, which is why I regard it so highly. The core gameplay is fun and serviceable, which is much more than I can say for its predecessor, the first Nier, which was memorable and affecting but played kind of like butts. 2B's android adventures are much more fluid and stylish, and you have a surprising amount of customization options available (though some arguably make the game a little too easy at points, like regenerating health) and there's enough variety in the little Machine Life form enemies (and the big ones, too) that fighting never felt like a chore to me. Of course, others have disagreed, but I think that the tedium really only sets in when you play as 9S, who has a much reduced arsenal of fighting moves in favor of his hacking skills. I liked the little shmup minigames that hacking entailed, so even 9S's story never felt too dull in the actual mechanical execution of it. People tend to have a misunderstanding of how the game works, that you need to complete it 4 times to get the whole experience, but that's not actually true. The 4 endings separate the game into acts more than anything. While 9S's story has a lot of overlap with 2B's story, endings C and D are just entirely new content where you play as A2, who has some tricks of her own distinct from 2B and 9S. It's not perfect, but it's not like you have to play the same game 4 times. It's a very story focused game, so much so that I would say experiencing the narrative is the main draw, but it has the decency to also be varied and fun to play. I love the parts where you get in the transforming flying robot and shoot the dudes. Especially the big dude. You know the one.

1. Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood

The latest Final Fantasy XIV expansion, Stormblood, is super good. I wrote a bit about it earlier, and how it has improved upon Heavensward in almost all respects. Stormblood is a superlative MMO expac, with well designed and amazingly presented raids, dungeons, and trials. It's full of "holy shit that's dope" moments, like when you get into a blade struggle against the primal Susano's gigantic Ame-no-Murakumo in an active time event or storm the fortress city of Ala Mhigo. Ultimately, though, what really makes me evaluate Stormblood as my game of the year is how surprisingly thoughtful it is. FFXIV has, since the relaunch of 2.0, been a game that has not shied away from complexity in its narrative conflicts. The juxtaposition of the mythically strong Warrior of Light and the surprisingly mundane issues even she cannot seem to fix has always been the game's most interesting element to me, and as you spearhead revolutions against the Garlean Empire in two different countries, you learn a lot about how imperial colonialism has made things too complicated to be fixed simply driving out the oppressors. You do, eventually, of course, but the story is quick to remind you that this is only the beginning, and a lot of key issues remain unsolved, both in the newly liberated provinces and back at home. Also the Dark Knight questline from 60-70 is basically the best the game has to offer. It feels to me like that Dark Knight is the unofficial Job of Stormblood, despite the promo material and opening movie having you believe it to be about Monks. Monks, as usual, are boring. The themes explored in the Dark Knight questline, about regret, about shades of gray, about self-destruction, all align perfectly with some of the subtler narrative arcs of the main story. It's just really good and I love it. I still really want to write a piece about it on its own. I probably will soon. But for now, I name Stormblood my game of the year, for reminding us that we are still heroes. That we are still good people.

[medicatemedrmccoy]

Holy Survey Batman

I was tagged by @outside-the-government  (*shakes fist* haha j/k <333 )

Tagging: I haven’t kept up with who has and hasn’t been tagged. If anyone wants to, feel free and tag me :D

Keep reading tag because fuck, 85 questions, good lord.

1. Drink? Red diamond tea at work, homemade at home with a smattering of water here and there

2. Phone Call? My last phone call or who I call the most?  Hang on let me dust off my recent calls list. Oh, right, no one, because even my mother knows to send me a FB message at the least if she wants to get ahold of me. Phone calls are the devil.

3. Texting? Oh lord, I have a ton. The bff, my mom, my dad, handfuls of random friends at any given time, coworkers, boss, will include tumblr messaging - same thing, @imoutofmyvulcanmind @bkwrm523 @arrowsshootyouforwards all day everyday<33 . I like to chit chat, can you tell? xD

4. Last song you listened to? I’m weird, I had It Ain’t Me - Kygo & Selena Gomez playing on my phone and had Just Like Fire - P!nk on my laptop.

5. Last time you cried? About a month or so ago after some bad news

6. Dated someone twice? Oh yeah, I should have saw all the warning signs way back when.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it? Yes, god so much

8. Been cheated on? Yes, it fucking sucks. Do everyone a favor and end the relationship first if you’re even thinking about cheating.

9. Lost someone special? Yes

10. Been depressed? Quite frequently

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up? Hahahaha oh god yes, but that’s a story for another time kiddos

Favorite Colors

12. Blue

13. Purple

14. Grey

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends? *gestures to all of Tumblr* All of you lovely people, and quite a few local ones.

16. Fallen out of love? Oh hell to the yes.

17. Laughed until you cried? Ahhh earlier today, but that’s also another story for a different time

18. Found out someone was talking about you? Uhhm, nope? Because I will talk shit about me right along with you haha

19. Met someone who changed you? I don’t think I’d use changed, as much as I would say someone who helped me get back to some semblance of the person who I used to be

20. Found out who your friends are? Hahahahaha oh yes. Let’s just say I had to make all new ones, from the ground up.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list? Yup.

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl? The majority of them but I have a few close internet friends that I have on there.

23. Do you have any pets? I wish :(

24. Do you want to change your name? Yes

25. What did you do for your last birthday? Sat in my house quietly and waited for it to pass.

26. What time did you wake up? 5:30am almost everyday I cry. My brain thinks I like to be up at that time most days. Sometimes earlier

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? Cruising reddit, or playing a game/reading most likely

28. Name something you can’t wait for: Summer to be over. Is 121F even sustainable for life? Someone send us some cool air.

29. When was the last time you saw your mom? Sunday

What happened to 30?

31. What are you listening to right now? The AC chugging along, trying to keep up with this heat and The Sun Will Rise - Kelly Clarkson

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? I probably have in all reality, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head so I’m going to say, no.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? The fact that I bought this house brand new barely a year ago, and its fucking falling apart already it seems xD, the cost of buying a car tag/plate, this fucking heat, work, ect

34. Most visited website? Aside from Tumblr? Probablyyyyy Reddit

35. Hair color. Darkish brown

36. Long or short hair? Short, short, super short!

37. Do you have a crush on someone? Nah, ain’t got time for that nonsense.

38. What do you like about yourself? Uhhhh, fuck, can I phone a friend?

39. Piercings? Just one in each ear. I am not very exciting, Im sorry.

40. Blood type? AB+, iirc

41. Nickname? Kat, kitten, neko, gato and basically anything else anyone comes up with

42. Relationship status? siiinngglee but I’m taking applications

43. Zodiac? Virgo/Libra cusp

44: Pronouns: She/Her.

45. Favorite TV Show: Oh geez. Maybe Game of Thrones? Walking dead? Supernatural(although not so much as of late) Its really hard to choose :(

46. Tattoos? Nope, although I do want one

47. Right or left handed? Right.

48. Surgery? Oh lord, uh I fell through a window when I was like 4, so that was pretty extensive surgery on my hand and foot, still have the scars, drunk driving accident when I was around 15(wreckage inspiration), lasik on my eyes, which has failed already(hello glasses my old frienddd), TFCC tear on my wrist(fucking sucked) and I think thats it?

49. Piercing? See question 39…?

50. Sports? I used to play soccer up until high school, not much anymore unless you consider the occasional jog a sport? I like to go kayaking as much as possible, also not sure thats a sport?

51. Vacation? Vacations? What are those? I haven’t had a proper vacation since I went to Cancun in like 2002.

52. Pair of trainers? I am a woman who loves shoes, please don’t make me choose. I do dig my Roos and Nikes though

53. Eating? shelled peanuts

54. Drinking? Water and tea.

55. I’m about to? Get a hand cramp typing out all these answers

56. Waiting for? For my metaphorical ship to come in *grows beard*

57. Want? Someone to come and knock on my door and either hand me a big check, or say “Hi, I’d like to take care of you and pay your bills for the rest of your life.”

58. Get married? Hell no, never again. See #8

59. Career? Im a jack of all trades, master of none at the office. My title encompasses a lot and don’t have a specific title, but mostly Accounting.

60. Hugs or kisses? Hugs

70. Turned someone down? Yup, its becoming old hat at this point

71. Sex on the first date? No, hello demisexuality

72. Broken someones heart? Yes, it was pretty terrible. I still feel awful about it

73. Had your heart broken? That would require you to have a heart in the first place, right?

74. Been arrested? Not officially, but since my uncle is a sheriff, some of the guys think its hilarious to pull me over in town.

75. Cried when someone died? Yes.

76.. Fallen for a friend? Yeap

do you believe in…

77. Yourself? Hahahaha nah, I’m just wingin it

78. Miracles? Uhhhmmm, no, not really, just circumstances.

79. Love at first sight? Nah

80. Santa Claus? Nah, never did, my dad is a scrooge and never put up the charade

81. Kiss on the first date? Eh, it depends, usually its just awkward, or that could still be my demisexuality talking

82. Angels? Only the angels among us. In the medical field, saving lives, the people feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless. The people here trying to truly do good.

83. Current best friends name? I’ll go with two. Local - Tamara and here @imoutofmyvulcanmind aka loveable little nerd aka Luci

84. Eye color? Hazel. Brown inner ring with green on the outside

85. Favorite movie? Definitely Wonder Woman now. Sorry Star Trek :(

[silencedbeing]

fuck, sometimes the feeling of wanting to talk to someone so badly just to tell them im feeling down is so shitty and full of myself. but fuck it really kills because i cant get it out os i guess heres my rant

I’vebeen feeling so happy lately and it was the best period of my life. I was back to learning and I actually enjoyed all the calculations and science bullshit. Now its my finals and somehow everything is just near the end point and I can’t seem to fucking be myself or even get the happiness. How does that happen? One moment you’re on fucking cloud and next you’re so below oyu feel like i=you’re in hell. 

Whats worse is twhen you dont have to someone to share this with. DOnt get me wrong, ive tried countless times sharing what I feel and whenever I have a shitty to my friends but trust me they dont like it. I think ive bombarded their life so much so its better I just leave them alone now. ahahhaha my fucking souless puny human mind cant take emotions well. fuck that. I always used to think people thats depressed or sad was shitty and just wasnt strong enough to face reality. Yeah thats me right now. What happened exactly ?

firstly, this is the one ive been trying to let go mostly for this year. I have friends, of course we laugh we talk we dont fucking share tho. In my understanding, friends are those who have your backs, willing to listen to you talk about that bitch or this bitch or that dude this dude. Theyre even the ones you go to the malls with, eat with but not my friends. So , ive known them for almost 8 years now and we hang out, we have a groupchat with only the 4 of us. After graduating it was all different. Actually, before graduation it was already shitty because that wasnt a fucking friendship. im sure they thought so too. its all bull shit. so after grad, 1 left us so it was only me and these other 2. by leaving, i mean that person already left to continue studying. so me and these 2 other people, had a whole 5 moths or so we couldve done anything. yeah i went on a trip with one of them. lmao that was a shitty trip. that person wasnt exactly into the backpackers lifestyle. ok just talking about the person like this makes me feel so bad. but its oaky, noone will read. let this be my own diary.

me and the other 2 was never fully ‘attached’ im not sure how we were even friends. to be honest i dont think any of my friends are real, i make them laugh because of my stupidity. thats pretty much it. im the kid in class who would alwasy annoy and disrupt the class sessions making half the class giggle and the other half hate my guts. i went to a pretty small school so most of the ones in class i was ‘friends’ with. serious, what the hell does the word friend truly mean !??!. anyways me and these 2 girls. i already knew i was being left behind somehow because they were actually related so fuck that bus. i should just not get too near with them so when they dump my sorry ass behind 3 km ahead i would feel it as much. wow the fuck was i thinking, actually letting one of them in my life. Do my problems not matter ? ive tried going on blahtherapy but honestly that website rarely gives me a good lsitener. i mean like, i keep getting people judging my problems saying its not serious. WELL IT IS FOR ME. HOW COME SOMETIMES I CANT FUKING SLEEP BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING AFRAID THE PERSON I ACCIDENTALLY CURSED AT HATES MY FUCKING GUTS. WHY AM I SO AFRAID OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE IM SCARED THEYLL JUST LEAVE ME TO ROT IN A LONELINESS PIT OF DOOM

OK back to the 2 people story. so one of them was kind of and kind of not. im scared to say the person isnt my friend. but in all fucking honestly the person has never done anything for me. idk maybe. this is why i need another opinion. this whole matter could just easily be resolved if someone said im way overthinking and the friends would have actually been bothered to call me if i was nowhere to be seen or late to an event. but now. only when i have arrived would they remembered about my existance. i recently deactivated my twitter account fot this shit. i cant stop typing i want to type everyhthing. its flowing inside of me but frankly right now i hvae no idea what to be mad at.who to be mad at and even how to be ,ad at. 

the earliest iw as ever like this, the socially deprived potato i am right now, was when i was in primary 3 and  my violent way of playing got me in trouble because i accidentally hit my best friends ear with my jacket sleeves which had metal buttons at the end. i immediately regretted it and felt fucking guilty because my best friends ear got red and best friend started to cry. i have freidns here and there but i dont have that 1 special person you know ? the one you trust with all your secrets and problems. i have this one person but this persons life is so fantastic, i cant manage to keep up. so our conversations are usually plain. this person was the only one that asks if im okay. you know those little status hitns when youre upset. i hate those, when theyre too obvious or when theyre clearly made just for attention. ok now i fell bad because i feel like that was me. well i posted one up not long ago. I POSTED A FREAKING MEME. it was funny but this one person actually asked if i was okay. sucking psot on. i cried telling her what happened to me. sometimes each week is a punch to my head. i ahte this feeling of envy. hatred. i need advice on how to let it blow past me. the whole friend thing. do i need to really find someone ? or am i fine just by myself ? if its like that then who do i share my secrets with ? let me be compeletely real, im religious but when i pray i feel nothing which is shity. i try to really feel it. but to no avail i feel so sinful its terrible but i cant help it. i dont know how im every going to end this if i just keep going. so this is where it finishes. this was jsut to rant about my ‘friends’ problem. its bad for me. iget that this seems like a minor problem or not even a prboelm at all. but i feel it. it hurts. and fuck i want more than anything to make it go away so i can be happy again

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i’m not really sad or anxious. i’m more or less kind of pissed off. and i wish i had anxiety because in a way being pissed makes me sad because it means my personal patience has run out.

this person is sick and the way they treat me is abnormal to any relationship, romantic or not. it’s very harmful of them to act the way they do and then pull away. its wrong and manipulative and disrespectful. i’m tired. my whole life is built around them and when its not you can tell theyre disappointed and like ‘well fuck u then’.

i do nothing. even if i was asking for money, which i dont, it would pale in comparison to the trauma he causes and he pays to get away with it. he believes people talk shit about him, that no one is trusted - but all theyve heard is these things hes done. when he freaks out and stops talking to me for a few days, for little to no reason. when im blamed for the pitfalls of his life.

he told me it was “not nice” and “not appropriate” to i guess even respond to his message that he doesnt want to be asked to hang out or help and that hes “taking a step back”. like, in no previous relationship id i have to account for the days when my boyfriend is “taking a step back” and no longer exists in my life but teyll be back in three days having done their own thing which includes trolling dating sites and talking to other women and i’ll be asked in back handed ways if i’ve been with anyone else.

my response was that i wasnt about to argue with him and that ive been nothing but appreciative of the help hes given. around noon the source of his stress right now popped up and wante to give hm money so i tried to work that out for him but that was a huge mistake even remotely being involved. i shouldve taken and kept all the weed and stayed quiet. when our mutual friend called again to ask to get a hold of him in the afternoon, i tried to call then texted him to call this guy and he responded “youve already bothered me x amount of times since i asked you not to”

and “bothering” is literally just sendng a text message. i’m not allowed to send even a text message. and if i do, god forbid it’s more than one and longer than four sentences or else ive sent “a wall of text”.  like i’m tired of living by arbitrary rules that benefit no one but him. he forces everyone close to him in his life to follow these rules or he legitimately punishes them. but he first will put in just enough time and effort for you to feel like you want to be around him before slowly subjecting you to these rles one by one and telling you everytime by ignoring them you’re disrespecting him when he does nothing but give to you.

i needed a small reminder that this behaviour is abnormal. when i told a friend, she said ‘why would anyone think that sending a message like that would get no response in return? no one would feel okay about that especially if you hold a romantic relationship with this person’

i’m tired of being seen like an inanimate object that he pumps money into to keep around / for maintenence. like i feel like one of his tools. just another tool he has to service and take care of and oh sure he loves his tools but theyre kept on the floor in the garage.i’m not even allowed to be myself with him because he’s forced all of the “myself” out of me. i’m whatever came out of his mold. i don’t tell him half of the shit i would tell someone else, i reguarly choose not to talk to him about things in my life and i dont even speak to him the same way i do other friends.

but he presents, sometimes, the things i want. like maybe even what i want most in life. like dangling a carrot in front of a horse. so because i so desperately want these things - not that i want him, anyone coud fill his shoes, but what he presents - i tend to do more to have them in my life. i put up with being treated unfairly. being belittled. being asked to wait on him hand and foot. perhaps the role has even brought me comfort since i did the same for my mother and perhaps a same sort of resentment was built there too. sure - my mother would “always be there”. an she would “always help” but like .. it had to be the very worst situation and no other option in the world but to ask her to do something. and she would use it - i bought her pants, why doesnt she clean up after me.

but i wanted a mother, you know? i still wanted a mother and a family and i still begrugingly did all the stuff she wanted me to do until i just stopped one day. i say hes alot like my father because he has endearing qualitles of an old man. but he does not share the personality of my father. my father was a strong man emotionally and mentally. he saw some shit and he did not once take it out on the people around him. maybe thats the most important thing my father ever did in his life. he didnt become violent or hold resent towards women or treat children badly. but he had “excuses” to do so. he had the traumas and lonliness and shitty dealings of life.

my mother was coddled, expected to care for her family. but our days were run by her emotional instability. everydays success was based on her mood and how she would lash out on people. by noon i may have had several arguments with her. and she didnt want a kid - but wasnt she a great mother. she hated helping me - but look at all the toys she bought.

i see this sickness in him. what is it? narcissism? borderline? bipolar? does it matter? who cares what its called when it affects all the same. i’m predisposed to being a victim - perhaps they know this and see it. this is all over a garage door. but he wont say that - its about the money, its about his time, its about my lack of job but this doesnt matter until the garage. its “no problem” until the garage. its trapping. 

on a strategic level i feel like i should play the game until i can get the money to get a business liscence, which he already offered. i may be able to just help myself with that last boost and it would be a really hard independent road to take but a really respectable one i may proudly suck dick for one last time. 

i am everything he wants to be, really. independent, making my own rules, putting up with the people i choose to put up with, bartering services for goods, hanging out with a variety of people doing a variety of activities and being responsible for something people want to be apart of. i dont have to answer to my parents and i have no family responsibility - i could just run. 

today is the launch of something ive worked really hard on for the past few weeks. he will forget and ill receive nothing about it. its proof of the insignificance of my life to him. i am trivial. my whole being is trivial. nothing i do is that important. maybe thats my last straw.  you know, maybe thats the pinnacle of disrespect for me - all i want is to be acknowledged for something i actually worked on and i’m nothing more than a bag of meat. i have no brain, no concious. 

i wanted to cry when a friend took it upon herself to mention my website at a meeting recently. like someone actually saw value in something i do. he shows me photos al the time of the things he builds and i’m supposed to feign interest on a regular basis. i wont even get that.