#i wrote and deleted 3 meaner versions of this post before i wrote this one. dkfjskdfjsdf

[pocketgalaxies]

the truth is that bells hells can talk all they want about being on the same page and sacrificing themselves for this greater cause but they haven't even figured out that they're all part of this cause for different reasons. and orym choosing to go on this mission because he lost his family to these people and he believes this group is the only one who can help save the world and his leader is asking him to is very different from imogen choosing to go on this mission because she eventually realized she could never, ever hope to outrun something that has been haunting and chasing her her entire life.

orym is asking for her to be ready to face the worst case scenario head-on because this is war, but for orym the worst case scenario is failure. for imogen the worst case scenario is far beyond that – it's giving up her soul to this entity and becoming complicit if not an active participant in the methodical destruction of the world. and it's betraying the warnings her mother has given her for years, and it's living but completely losing herself in the process, all in an attempt to protect a world that has been nothing but cruel to her and a pantheon of gods that has never loved her.

and how would she face the fact that she's spent so much time and energy trying to convince herself that her mother can't be saved and her mother is the enemy, with this external pressure from both the party and the most powerful people in the world that she has to be ready to kill her? what do you do when you've forced yourself to hate your own mother and end up becoming just like her anyway? and how can you possibly risk giving in when giving in would mean that you hated your mother for nothing?

and ashton says let's not pretend this isn't going to happen one way or another. when imogen has been desperately clinging to the hope that she can resist this and that she has a future, a life after this where she can live in a cottage with the love of her life and she can have peace. when imogen has believed with her whole being that losing laudna to delilah isn't an inevitability, and all she wants is the rest of the party to do the same for her and predathos, and they just won't. and then wonder why she is so terrified of facing predathos when he tempts her with the rarest, simplest pleasures of belonging, of being understood, of being believed in.