#i’m just barely beating back a smoking addition an alcohol addiction and an eating disorder back w a stick
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going to admit to bad things
#if you know me in real life you didn’t see this and you will not read any further#i’ve developed a real bitter and envious strain recently it’s not good#like my friend is on a holiday in a really beautiful area.#they’re learning to listen to their body and be kind to it. like eat better and meditate#they’re reading and developing a spiritual practice#and like i’m finding it difficult to talk to them rn bc part of me is like.fuck you#fuck you for being able to understand what ur body says to you when i can’t#fuck you for feeling a spiritual connection when you search when i don’t#fuck you for healing when i feel like making all my shit worse. essentially#obviously i’m keeping all of this inside and on here because i’d rather die than let my shittiness affect them#i’m half in love w them and i want them to get better#i’m just an angry bitch and bitter because i’ve tried all the stuff they’re doing and it doesn’t work for me personally#i know i’ll find my own way of coping or whatever#i’m just barely beating back a smoking addition an alcohol addiction and an eating disorder back w a stick#on top of everything else. anxietyx2 unmediated adhd probably asd and powerful relationship issues#i’m just angry and want to destroy myself and part of me wants someone to do it with#which is awful. and i’m hoping by acknowledging that here n now i can prevent that from ever escaping my head#and i’m SICK of making all the Good And Healthy choices all the time do u get me?#like those choices aren’t. for lack of better language. satisfying. aesthetically fulfilling. they don’t feel good#they feel stupid and hollow and saccharine and boring and just. eugh#and it’s never made me feel good. only come with assurances that this is less bad than what would’ve happened#and maybe that’s just not good enough anymore. maybe i want more#and maybe my stupid beloved friend is gonna be getting out of this mess and i’m fucking jealous that they get to escape and i don’t#god i’m just. i’m just so tired of trying so fucking hard all of the time and feeling like i’m just barely scraping through#my body and spirituality are just particular sore points for a lot of reasons#using tumblr like a confessional again maybe i should just find a priest#conari
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