#fuck you for feeling a spiritual connection when you search when i don’t

[myheartswildrumpus]

@myheartswildrumpus Welcome to my birthday month 😂 I’ve got two birthdays in April. One celebrating my freedom from alcohol addiction and one celebrating getting to be born on this planet at this time and that I have thus far made it through without killing myself with some success and even a burgeoning baseline JOY nowadays!!! Yay.

There’s been a lot of shifting. My spiritual practice has shifted, I’m searching again lately, growing into and beyond.

My ability to be with myself and stay right with my own sweet heart has grown and let me tell you that is a freedom for me, looking towards my own heart for sustenance rather than outward.

I’ve learned so much about my own mortality and the preciousness of my connections with you.

Never let bullshit get in the way of your love. Just don’t. Life is fucking short. I can’t forget that.

Just this morning I was wishing I could ask Chandra a question about when we were 16, and I can’t. She’s gone.

But if I stay present with what is, I can soak it up.

Every tender moment.

My health has suddenly gotten better after having EBV (mono) for like 6 months, and after the last few years of hardship and trials I am like reborn filly galloping around.

And that feels amazing.

Today I’m feeling vulnerable, this time of year always does that.

Feeling the spring and feeling like the dead leaves and also like the seeds budding in the ground.

Displacement. New.

Shedding the fears I’ve been insulating in. And watching more presently than I think I ever have, the process inside me of reaching out and wanting things to be different. But with a newer found ability to hold myself and connect with divine source for the filling. Intermittently at least 🙄

So much gratitude. For this life where my personality structures got formed by trauma and love in such a way that I am ideally suited to do the service I do in the world.

For my strong healthy body that teaches me about rest and faith.

For my heart that even when I’m terrified to love again keeps opening wildly letting new love in proving that my capacity to love just keeps growing.

For my community. Jeezo. My loves are my teachers. And my saviors. And I am so blessed to have some people that really get me. And really love me. And they let me love them. And that is so amazing to me. So thanks for seeing me and reflecting it back.

And I’m thankful for the damm darkness. Cause it’s allowing me to find the ever present flickering but steady candle 🕯️ inside my heart.

[nann-the-mixed-witch]

A while ago, I picked up and read Folkloric American Witchcraft and the Multicultural Experience: A Crucible at the Crossroads by Via Hedera

Overall: 4/5 I recommend this book to anyone seeking an eclectic high-level take and understanding of folkloric witchcraft in the States. It doesn't dive deep into any particular region but instead gives a delightful survey of the similarities and differences across the regions. I resonated with this book so much that I wrote a little stream of consciousness around my reactions to the first few chapters. Consider it a journal entry that was supposed to be a book review.

I think to preface here on terms: Via Hedera uses “multicultural,” and I have no objection to that term. I find it inclusive of more than black and brown people, and that’s okay— in fact, necessary at times. When I’m discussing the book in this post, I’ll use that term as she uses it. However, it’s important to note that when I use “mixed,” I am specifically talking about black and brown multicultural individuals.

Many people have objections to “mixed,” and in fact, I’m not sure how I feel about it. But until I unpack that baggage in my own time (and I think this book will help with that), I’ll be petty and take up space here— I can call myself mixed, but please do not call me that.

///

I was on the train this morning reading minding my own business in the quiet car because I hate talking to people. I have the book on my lap, and someone shouts over to me, “Excuse me? Are you into that? I’m a Druid. What are you?”

What are you? A seemingly innocent question, but with such a complicated answer. I was shocked and under-caffeinated. He kept pressing, and I commented on how cool it was to meet a Druid. It was rough and awkward, and I was in shock.

What am I? Who am I? I was speechless- silenced by the question.

“I see you have a silver ring on? Is that real silver? Oh is that the triple moon? What are you? What are you? What are you?”

Thankfully some not-a-morning-person shut down the conversation before I could answer this incessant question. What are you?

“What are you” is a loaded question to any racially ambiguous person. It’s often the first red flag to me. And when I’m once again confronted with that bullshit question, and when I can tell they are asking about my skin — my most recent answer has been, “I don’t know I’m adopted,” and it’s met with a sudden frown.

Family is a choice where I'm from, and I know plenty of Americans were raised believing the same thing.

Family is a choice; sometimes, it’s not one I get to make. And for many witches-- family, ancestors, and culture all have a huge impact on their lives and identity. I love that for them. The ability to concretely connect to a culture and call it yours is a beautiful thing. (And also a privilege, but that’s a different matter). I’m, in fact, JEALOUS of people with strong cultural identities.

Unfortunately, however, my experience is not that; I have no idea what to call the culture and traditions I grew up with and into. The more I dug and dug, clawed, and scraped at anything I could find, the more confused I got. I just know one thing. I’m not white, and I never would be.

“What are you,” he asked once again. I can still hear it ringing in my ears.

In the context of my spiritual practices, I have no fucking clue how I would answer it.

In the context of witchcraft, I write about here, we sometimes struggle to reconcile the old ways with the new, the ways of one ancestor with another. We're trying to reach for a sense of connection to identity and sometimes we forget that the New World identity of witchcraft is a unique thing already, and that's where folkloric witches are following their hearts these days.

I’m screaming and searching, pleading and digging for connection and identity. A label. Just a name to attach or describe myself. A rule book to follow, a clear path to walk. But I’m not going to find it.

I’m not going to find it because, at the end of the day, I’m a combination of it all. As Via describes it — this multicultural county we live in only holds one clear identity: American. The New World. And while American as a term is a germ and holds so much baggage on its own both inside and outside the United States— I think it’s one of the few words that can fairly describe all the people on this land.

Now would I call myself an American Witch? Fuck that. Nope, no, thank you. But my practice is built like one; it holds many overlapping rituals and traditions. It uses Florida water and Orphic hymns. It consists of ritual ecstasy and fried green tomatoes. It’s home to limpias and toilet offerings. It’s layered and multifaceted; it’s messy and transgressive. It’s my practice. And at the end of the day, I’m not interested in doing it right or by the books. I’m interested in doing it in an authentic way that honors my Gods and the people around me.

So what am I?

I’m mixed, and I’m a witch, and my practice is whatever the fuck works for me and my p/People.

[thenuministry]

Remembrance: A Personal Short Story

Responding to impulse and taste buds, I jumped out of my wooden chair.

‘I’m getting a piece of cheescake, you want anything?’

Intrigued, my best friend looks up at me.

With his eyes, he takes a visual stroll over the display of cakes and sandwiches.

He caresses the stack of books we’ve collected in the last 45 minutes.

The stack representing our subconscious attempt to recreate early adulthood passions and excitement for llewellyn books back before we knew a thing or two.

His eyes dart between his left and right shoulders before he looks back at me.

‘No, I’m good. Actually….maybe…a tea?’

Knowing our favorite tea, a hot cinnamon sunset by Harney and Sons with a dash of cinnamon and two table spoons of honey, I feel a smirk come upon my face.

I chuckle and put on my best rendition of the flirt.

‘Ochun in a cup!?’

He mirrors my expression and oozes over the stack of books as if Harney and his sons had materialized into a seductive and charismatic cult organization. 

Demonstrating his desire; he vocalizes the sound of his approaching pleasure.

‘Ochuuuun in a cuuuup!’

I roll my eyes, and nod my head while laughing under my breathe.

He’s always like this.

As I walk towards the cafe, I am aware of my body and the deprecating dialogue I can’t seem to ever escape.

At least, the weather understands me.

It knows how I feel about myself. It knows how others feel about me. 

This weather and I, had a thing or two in common.

We were both depressed, uncomfortable, and riding on the possibility of explosive expression. Our dark secret being that we both felt like an inconvenience, as opposed to the love and welcome that a bright and sunny day receives.

I am, somehow; always off kilter.

Especially, when it comes to the weather. 

I tend to embrace whatever comes at me never checking the stats and going with what is happening moment to moment.

Right now, what is, is that its starting to rain. Everyone resents the rain despite preparing for it. And I, resent their resentment.

Also, I fucking haaaate umbrellas.

Especially, on New York streets.

‘Sasha…Sasha…’

The baristas voice makes its way into my ears, separating me from the allure of my personal Hell. I turn my gaze away from the glass panels that cover this particular Barnes and Noble and look back at the barista.

‘I’m sorry, I’m always in a daydream.’ I say this as if she were somehow exposed to my inner world of doom, gloom, and shame. 

The barista shrugs her shoulders, and smiles to be polite.

Again, I am casually disassociating and caught in the moment; completely missing her outstretched arm with my best friends tea in her hand.

She just wants to get back to her washcloth.

Embarrassed at my inability to stay present, I open my mouth suggesting a brief smile of gratitude, quickly taking my cake and tea with me.

My best friend is buried in two books at once, absorbing information as he always does. With admiration, I continue to walk towards our table feeling my appreciation for his capacity to hold so much information and his hunger for continued study and knowledge.

I will never know why I am his friend.

I don’t know why he likes me or keeps me around.

I’m pretty ann-

‘Ochun in a cup…yaaaas!’ He says as his voice squeeks in excitement.

I feel his joy cover me, breaking me free of my intrusive, cycling thoughts. 

I place the tea in front of him and then situate my cake, sizing it up to see where I am going to start while wondering if I am going to like it. 

$7 pieces of cheesecake are usually a hit or miss for me. 

My bestie breaks my focus.

‘You know Padrino wants us to stop by for thanksgiving. Do you think you want to come with?’. 

Here go my feelings again, a fucking ouija board without a planchette. 

A part of me desires to connect with my spiritual godparents, another part of me feels resentment at their selective care for  certain godchildren, and another part of me just feels guilty about feeling any and all of this.

As I search myself, I hear my best friend closing his books. He slides his hand into the center of our table.

‘You don’t have to, but if you want to go, you’ll be with me.’

I feel my discomfort stirring and beginning to pour out of my cells. My scent gives me away; an aroma reminiscent of basil and thyme-of love and bitterness.

I sigh.

‘Yea, I know. I feel like I call too much attention and I dont want to be in a room with people who seem to be unsure about me.

Not seem. Are unsure about me.

My best friend raises his finger to his lips.

‘No, I don’t think they are unsure about you. I think they love you. They think you are to yourself, but they don’t think anything of it. You’re a classic child of Centella.’

Centella Ndoki, what Paleros call the ‘lesser spirits’ of afro cuban necromancy and to whom I am initiated. 

The Storm Spirit, Queen of the Dead, the Witch of all Witches.

‘What are you thinking about?’ 

I notice his hand is in front of me, again gauging my attention.

I can no longer contain my frustration.

I let go.

‘I don’t get any of this and I don’t feel like I am learning anything I’m supposed to. I am mostly there because of you. If it weren’t for you, they would not give me, Tania, or Marco the time of day but yet they always ‘need’ us. That’s not a blame, I just question the validity of all of this and my place within it. I am questioning my place in life, period.’

My demons begin to remind me of how much of a mess I am, how selfish I am to have said what I said and to assume I deserved anything. 

They continue to tempt me back into my comfortable hatred and anger towards my family which just so happens to be connected to my rage for being born.

I can’t even take my own life and end this; because, God….

This spiral makes me feel displaced, wrong, and stupid simply for fucking breathing.

I am nothing like them and even when i try to be like them, it still isn’t enough.

The fires in me are rising to an uncomfortable peak-

Barnes and noble fades away into the blackhole that is my mind, my thoughts are then swallowed up by silence.

This experience is like witnessing some sort of cosmic food chain.

For a moment, it is just me and my best friend in what feels like a bubble made up of soft clouds.

I turn to look at my best friend.

I wonder if he feels what I feel.

The shift in pressure. 

The quiet.

What just happened?

I watch as my best friends pupils dilate.

He inhales, his lips slowly parting.

‘Whoa…’

Curious and concerned, I lean in.

‘What, whats happening?’

‘You are a lot like Centella…’

My best friend looks at me as if he is looking past me and at me at the same time. 

He continues.

‘It makes sense why She chose you. You are dark, mysterious, hard to put a finger on. People can go crazy and obsessed if they spend too long trying to figure you out. People can feel this…and they are scared because they don’t know what it is.

Like you, she is very misunderstood and understood at the same time. It’s hard to explain.’

He bites his nail briefly, its clear he is deciphering some sort of code or message like he does when he is devouring books.

‘Most people can’t reach you because most people are not supposed to. They can’t until they are ready.’

He turns his head, I am assuming to receive more information.

My disappointment threatening the silence between us.

I want to be understood.

I want to be seen.

Wtf God!

‘Yoooooooo.’ He gasps as his hands wave with the zeal of a cartoon bird; his body communicates wildly in the ecstasy of revelation.

‘You are like chaos itself. Sasha…You have no idea what is coming for you. You have no idea who you really are. Sasha…

You have to get to know Centella better. Forget about our godparents, this is where She wants you. Shewants to teach you Herself. You are right to stay to yourself. Keep doing what you are doing, let hershow you.’

We hold each others gaze for a moment, though his looks more dazed and mine confused.

‘Sasha, its so beautiful.’

He looks away, clearly still ruminating on what he had seen.

Time slows down some more before it seems to snap back in place. 

My best friend resumes his study while I stare at my cake like The Oracle would jump out and tell me what just happened in this matrix.

I don’t feel beautiful.

Maybe, he was just trying to make me feel better. He is my best friend.

I cut into my cake with my fork curious and secretly grateful that I had something else to engage my mind with.

I can’t deny that something about what he said feels true.

I can’t put my finger on it.

I just know it’s important.

What is wrong with me?

One day, I will remember.

-Original story experienced in 2012

[read-me-when-youre-lonely]

Fuck, I guess we need to break up

Dear XX, 

You love me. I know you do, because I love you too. It’s a really sweet love because no matter how hard it’s gotten we’ve tried again.

Yet, I remain feeling unloved. I’m going through a lot right now and to be completely honest it’s felt like that my whole life. Doesn’t feel like I can catch a break. I’m actually tired of listing all the things that have happened and looping them around in my mind. Justifying why my mood is volatile and why I feel so fucking nervous all the time. 

I’m sorry. I don’t think I can be loved right now even though it’s the one thing in the world I crave most. 

I feel so lonely in this world and so ungrateful. My family is on this earth with me, I have friends, I even have an ok job! But the things that have happened to me.. they’ve hurt me and sometimes I’m not strong enough to win the battle against them. Sometimes I give in, I feel weak, lost and unloved.  My spiritual teachers would call this a weak mind which in itself just adds to the overall guilt and shame of feeling what I feel.

All I pray for right now is to able to feel the love that is around me and sent to me, to cherish it. To FEEL it. Without guilt, suspicion, fear or jealousy. I want to belong somewhere and I thought that somewhere was with you. 

I can’t change you but god I tried. When I say “I can’t be loved” you say “Yeah you’ve been through a lot”. You don’t mean harm but it harms me. Maybe nobody can soothe this pain and as they’ve been saying for the past 10 years “this is my time to focus on myself”. But I've spent years alone. I meditated, I explored, I journaled, I cried, I shaved all my god dam hair off. 

Healing is not linear and in some form of cosmic irony it seems to be like a spiral. Looping around infinitely from growth, challenge to resolution - again and again and again. 

The sad thing is I know if I sent this to you you wouldn’t appreciate it. You’re not a communicator and that’s one of our biggest incompatibilities. 

While I stay up late at night, writing all my thoughts in hopes of somehow connecting with you, somehow feeling understood by you...I simultaneously neglect the essence of who you are. Which is, quite simply, not a communicator. I’m sorry for trying to change you. I’m sorry for trying to change myself. 

I wanted you to be the one. I wanted this search for peace to end. I wanted you to be my safe place and if we breakup, I’m back to square one. When will this search be over? “When I find myself”? That’s what everyone who are in relationships say right? 

I want a sign, I want help, I want closure, I want guidance. I expected you to have all those things and of course… you didn’t. I should really get therapy. 

I’m so sorry for the weight that was placed on you when we started dating. I’m a happy girl on the outside and a loving one on the inside. I just feel bruised and battered and I don’t know where or what to turn to for my healing. I’ve done so much already but it all still feels inside of me. I want to control everything, I don’t want any more surprises, but with life.. it’s inevitable. 

I’m sorry 

[anarchofairy]

going to admit to bad things

[nevermindirah]

part 6, past and future: How every character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood relates to the main character, Nile Freeman

We know almost nothing about Lykon in canon. We know he was fucking gorgeous, and we know his permanent death was sudden and surprisingly early compared to Andy and Quynh. We know from that deleted scene that he was playful in battle. I want to know more about Lykon.

Nile will never see a picture of Lykon let alone meet him. But she's connected to him. As far as we know, they're the only two immortals of African descent who've existed so far. Nile, whose ancestors were stolen from West Africa and whose histories white supremacy did its level best to erase, might feel an especially strong urge to learn about Lykon.

What might Andy or Quynh remember about Lykon's history that Nile might treasure as a restored piece of her own stolen history? I don't know what comics canon says about his birthplace or where he lived, and I doubt Greg Rucka put that much thought into it, but what Andy and Quynh remember of Lykon and his family might have some kind of link, some kind of at very least spiritual kinship to ancestors Nile has been separated from since before she was born.

Nile might also find a kind of solace in hearing Andy and Quynh talk about Lykon, a solidarity with her own loss. I think the three of them will talk about Lykon how Nile's little brother and his potential future children will talk about Nile, and Nile will think about that, and when it's too awful to bear, she'll ask her big sisters to hug her and tell her stories about her big brother who died before she was born.

Quynh, though. Quynh is alive.

We know Nile got flashes of Quynh alongside the others at first, and we see her have one devastatingly visceral dream of Quynh. We don't know whether Quynh can have the dreams, because there's no fucking way she's getting REM sleep while constantly drowning to death, but if she does, her first dream of Nile would probably be the same as the others': snippets of her deployment in Afghanistan. We don't know if the dreams choose to show details that would make it easier for the immortals to find each other, or if it's more of a general highlight reel. Quynh might get snippets of Nile entering and then, uh, exiting the Merrick building — the dreams would probably consider that a helpful landmark. She might see both Nile and Booker's perspective on the family turning around up those stairs and leaving Booker behind at the bar.

Between the end of the movie and their eventual meeting (2 Old 2 Guard now also confirmed by Veronica Ngô Thanh Vân what!) Quynh is likely to dream snippets of Nile traveling, training, getting to know her new family. If she hasn't been having the dreams underwater, when Quynh finally resurfaces she'll start having dreams for the first time of both Nile and Booker. What a confusing juxtaposition that would be. We don't know how long Quynh and Andy took to find Joe and Nicky, but Quynh does, and if this is the first she's learning of both Nile and Booker she's liable to be confused as shit why the seemingly newer immortal has been found and brought into the family but they don't seem to be searching for the other one at all.

Once whatever happens happens and the family is reunited, Quynh and Nile will both be playing major catchup about family history, just from different directions. Quynh will be able to join Andy in telling Nile about their adventures from before Joe and Nicky came along. Nile will be able to tell Quynh about modern history (at least what she's able to given that she may or may not have interest in it, and the basket of yikes that is US public school curricula) and what the family have been up to lately. Nile and Quynh both missed the first 200 years of Booker, so they'll be united in watching the others puzzle at and grieve and rage over whatever the fuck happened that sent Booker into such a catastrophic spiral.

Based on that gorgeous red coat alone, I think Quynh is going to prioritize beauty and pleasure and comfort whenever she can, now that she can. Nile wanted to get an art history degree after her Marine service. I think these two alongside Joe are going to enjoy the shit out of all the modern fashions their mercenary bank accounts can afford.

And that's all I've got, for now at least, on what movie canon shows us of how every character in The Old Guard relates to the main character, Nile Freeman. You can find the whole series here on Tumblr and here on AO3. I love getting asks if you want to talk more about Nile and her new family!

[mokutone]

yo i would love to hear some of ur trans yam headcanons :) (also ps ur art is breathtaking and whenever i see it reblogged on my dash i always come here anyway to read ur tags bc they r so! good!)

thank u 🥺🥺🥺 god im sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a couple days ksdjghsdkjgh not only have i got a LOT of thoughts to put here (this is only a selection of the bigger thoughts skdjghsdkjhg) i was also super busy the past few days!!!! ty for ur patience, ur compliments, and for inviting me to ramble abt my favorite guy!

maybe the one constant in all trans people is just like. our decision to intentionally and purposefully create ourselves, to forced into an identity by outside forces and to turn away from it in search of something else, and that’s ultimately what makes captain yamato read as a trans character to me! He goes through so many identities, and they are meaningful to him, but you can also clearly tell that he’s searching for something that really fits him.

I don’t really have a lot of firm thoughts on what his specific identity would be, I’ve seen some great nonbinary yams, some lovely genderfluid yams, trans guy yams, there’s a great variety and i delight in them all! 

I tend to imagine him as transmasculine and nonbinary but male aligned (which means he’d feel at least a partial connection to or comfort with masculinity) and while there are a bunch of labels for this experience of gender (demiboy, bigender, etc etc) i don’t see him as somebody who would use any specific labels, I feel like he’d keep his own experience of his gender fairly private! He’d prefer and be fine with masculine-coded terms of address, and happy enough passing as a guy.

AHH and on names...

I think Kinoe is the only name that I really see as like. a genuine deadname. It’s a name that means “The First” to my understanding, and so like, probably refers to him having the genetics of the first. Therefore, it’s kind of. literally a name referring to him as his biology...boy thats as deadname as it gets, huh? kill that shit and also danzō

Tenzō is also a name thats given to him, but to my understanding (all I know about the anbu arc is picked up thru osmosis lol) it’s a name that’s given to him twice, with affection. Once from Yukimi, who sees him as her brother (not a vessel for the first hokage’s powers, probably for the first time ever—even if it’s still another person’s name) He takes the name, gladly! Unfortunately danzō. anyway,

Later, when he starts to introduce himself to the non-root Anbu as Kinoe, Kakashi cuts him off and names him to the anbu as Tenzō. To my understanding: it’s a name at rest, not a name for one singular mission, but a name for his entire time in Anbu. It’s the name he keeps the longest. Again, it’s a name that’s given to him to him by somebody else, but it’s one that is given with the intention to free him of Kinoe, and all that Kinoe had to be. 

(A note on him getting annoyed with Kakashi for calling him Tenzō in main-plot:

Most of this is of course based off of personal experience, but I find it hard to believe that he would actively dislike Tenzō as a name since it was given with such sweet intentions—most of my names have been gifts, and the only one I’ve actively taken out of rotation has been bc i cannot stand the person who used it, and the way it was used, and while Anbu was certainly bad for Yamato...I don’t think it was quite that bad. I think him telling Kakashi to stop calling him Tenzō has more to do with the use of it where it doesn’t belong—for example, while it’s not exactly a name, I am happy to be called “mokutone” here, and you may notice my friends calling me by another name, but if any of those friends called me mokutone in DMs, I would be bothered by that.)

Yamato starts off as an empty codename, given to him for the purposes of his team 7 mission by the Hokage, but I think it gets such a loving and warm association from just...using out in the sunlight, with these kids that he comes to think so fondly of (he’s such a dad. god. he’s such a fucking dad) and with the friends he makes going out drinking and actually having time to socialize—and that means a lot! I think Yamato is probably the name which becomes most meaningful and like a home to him by the end of the series. This is the active name, the name where he is most himself. It’s vital for him to have that space to grow into! 

But that said, I personally feel like, if he were to continue beyond the edges of the story, this would not be the final name he bears. He’s probably well aware that a single name cannot contain who he is, or who he wants to be, and while being Given a name can be a beautiful thing (like i said, most of my names are gifts! i treasure them.) I think that, for his character arc, I would like him to name himself at some point. Even if it’s a name that only exists for private spaces, I want him to complete that self determination, to at least try it out, even if ultimately Yamato is the name everyone else will know him by.

Physical Transition Stuff

i will confess i hurt to imagine these shinobi binding 😭😭 even if an individual is binding safely (well made binder, no more than 8 hours, AND No Physically Intense Activity) they stand to risk hurting themself! In real life we gotta balance out the physical pain and the pain of dysphoria, but this is naruto and I’m Gonna Play Some Headcanon Games!

If chakra is both a kind of spiritual energy as well as directly connected to the body (as we learned in the hyūga fight) then it stands to reason that by manipulating ones own chakra, they can manipulate the body, or at least the way the body changes (such as naruto’s healing factor) 

This probably is not the safest thing to do unless you’re a mednin or following the directions of one, LMAO

The second the hell of puberty started up for Tenzō he tried to hold it back by sheer force of willpower + chakra manipulation alone 

but, manually controlling one’s chakra is like trying to prevent a stream from flowing with your hands alone, which is to say: an exhausting uphill battle.

 He’d probably only be doing it on his down time and not on a mission, but even still the most I bet he could make it doing that without getting figured out is two months.

Luckily blockers are readily available, Tenzō just had no idea and, gender being a private experience for him, was trying to handle the whole thing entirely on his own. Soon after attempting to self-regulate hormones him-fucking-self like a very valid but desperate fool, he gets an appointment, gets a prescription, and can chill out and not have to be as hellishly aware of his body constantly.

 Konoha mednin will say trans rights even if the village itself is garbage, this series is so god damn weird already, nobody can tell me a ninja taking hormones is somehow weirder than a ninja taking his dead best friends genetic superpower eye.

TWO WEEKS, THREE SPARS, AND ONE VERY EMOTIONALLY DRAINING CONVERSATION LATER:

u might think kakashi is passing him a water bottle and they both look so exhausted bc its post spar but no. physically theyre fine, but the emotional toll of having to talk about something either of them care at all about? miracle they survived.

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

A NEW EXPERIENCE

Prompt: You and Roman have been together for 7 years now,and on the night of your 5th year wedding anniversary,you have a new way to demonstrate your love for him

Word count: Uh girl,grab a snack ‘cuz this one is long!

Pairing: Roman Reigns x Reader

Warnings: +18 smut,cursing,slight self-degradation,fluff(at the end),a lot of intimacy and Tantric Massage(yes,you’ve heard it right 😉)

A little disclaimer,before we continue: Tantra is a middle eastern (more precisely Indian) philosophy and spiritual path,the tantric massage itself is a wonderful experience that DOES NOT involves any sort of sexual interaction such as penetration or masturbation!Yes it does involve yoni/lingam massage(vagina/penis massage) but the whole goal of it it’s not orgasm/ejaculation.It can happen of course,’cuz we’re humans but if it can it has to be delayed/controlled since that’s not a goal to be reached,it’s a full body experience and a deeper self connection and healing journey.So if someday you reach out a PROFESSIONAL for this especific massage,keep all this things in mind,please.The only reason I’ve included sex on this it’s because the characters in this story are married and got carried away(also because,it’s Roman I mean,who wouldn’t?). Also they don’t live the Tantra as a philosophy or spiritual path at all! It’s just a new way of working they intimacy together as a couple.It is NOT my intention to degrade ANY form of philosophy/spiritual path from anyone’s beliefs,this is for entertainment purposes only,and also a new way for me to write about new/different themes(or personal study topics of mine) for my stories. I have a deep love for middle eastern cultures and an even deeper love for studying different types of philosophy/spiritual paths.

Tag: My soul sister @ziasaph

Notes: Y’all know the drill loves,sorry for misspellings,english isn’t my first language (bla bla bla),check out my other stories if you’d like to(it would make your girl here very happy 😊) and if you’re comfortable with it,please let me know what you think? Some feedback is always welcomed and appreciated ❤️You can check out my other stories typing ‘masochist writes’ on the search bar on my page and my newest story as a fixed post.

Okay,now let’s get to the fun part,shall we? Hope you’ll enjoy 😉

Today’s my 5th year wedding anniversary with my lovely husband,Roman.We’ve been together for 7 years now.The first time I met him,I gotta say, I hated him! There was something about him that screamed trouble.He was too good to be true,I mean,he was incredibly handsome,polite,thoughtful,kind,loving,funny,intelligent,respectful(a true gentleman really),the best kiss I’ve ever had and don’t even get me started on this man’s bedroom skills...No man ever fucked me like that,no man ever cared much more about my pleasure than with he’s own,no man could make me feel like a goddess the way he could..you see what I mean?He couldn’t be an honest good man right?!And I knew better!Oh I really did..I’ve always had a “rotten finger” when it came to my men choices.If you putted me in a room with two guys,a truly good man and a shitty asshole,I would’ve had 100% chose the latter.Maybe for the “fun” of it or even just to prove my Freudian fate,who knows?

But when I decided to finally give in to the Samoan’s charm and accepted to finally officially date him,I discovered why he smelled like trouble,because as soon as I found out I was in love with him I knew I had lost my whole heart to that man!And if you came from a emocional troubled background,like I did,you know that that’s the worst case scenario one could ever have.But funny enough,despite my deepest fears,he changed my whole world,he dragged me out of the shit pit I’ve always lived in and pushed me into the light beside him,making me forget everything bad that ever happened to me,transforming my reality into the fairytale I could never had imagined.If you told me,7 years ago,that right now I would be here telling you this same story,I would have have bitterly laughed at your face and asked you to give me a hit of whatever it is that you had.

But here I am,finishing to set up one of our guests room for the surprise I had in mind for my husband.I’m sure that this will never repay him for the way he always made me feel,but at least I hope he can have a bit of a glimpse of how much I truly love and care for him.

I was lighting up the last pair of candles when I heard the front door open,his deep sigh and the loud thump of his bags dropping on the living room floor.

“Y/N,baby girl? You home?” That voice alone could bring the biggest,truthful smile upon my lips.I put the lighter on my jacket’s pocket,carefully closing the guest room door and I ran downstairs to meet my redemption in form of a man.

“Roman!” I squealed while I preceded to jump on his arms and wrap my legs around his waist,kissing him like I would never see him again.

“Wow!” He chuckled “I see someone missed me those 3 weeks,huh?!” Still laughing,he wrapped his big arms around my waist and retributed my kiss vigorously.

“Of course I missed you baby!You’re my Samoan Prince Charming,how could I not miss that?!”I laughed.

“Prince Charming,huh?!”He chuckled “You wait ‘til you see what I wanna do to you...I’m pretty sure you’re gonna change your mind from prince charming to tramp real quick!”He smirks and I can already feel my panties getting damp with excitement.

“Oh really,big guy?! Well I’m sorry,but I’m about to piss in your yard and ruin your dreams!’Cuz I already have a surprise for you,and that took a lot of prep time too,so as much as I would love to see what you have in mind that will have to wait,at least ‘til later.”

“Piss in my yard?!Oh baby girl,always so delicate with your words!”He laughed

“What? I’m expressive,you know that!Also if anyone here is the well mannered,polite and posh one that’s you,I’m just you know,rough street trash”.I bitterly said

“Hey!Don’t say that,please.You know that I don’t like when you degradate yourself like that.You’re not trash,you’re my everything!And let’s be honest here baby, I love your rough side..”He squeezed my ass,to prove his point.

“If you keep doing that, I’m gonna get all worked up,and you’re going to ruin my surprise...” I whispered

“Ok,ok.I stopped!”He chuckled,then gave me a light peck on the lips before lowering me down to the ground.”So what do you have planned?”

“You know it’s called surprise for a reason right?!”I said.

“Oh c’mon Y/N! Not even a little preview baby?” He gave me those beautiful puppy eyes,and the bastard knew that I would give in.

“Argh,you’re the worst!”I faked an annoyed face,but he knew I was pretending so he just smiled and I couldn’t help but smile back.”Ok the only,ONLY thing I will tell you is that it involves a large amount of intimacy..I’ve never done that to anyone before..and it’s an incredible experience.That’s all I’m saying!”I proudly huffed.He stared at my face for an eternity before he slowly smirked at me saying “You do realize that you said you were going to tell me just ONE thing about it,but you ended up telling me THREE instead,right?!” He started laughing when I poked his broad chest saying “Shut up! You know,you’re lucky I love you,because otherwise I would just kick your ass right now.”I tried to hold back my laugh,but that soon was forgotten when he kissed my lips so slowly and sweet and said “I don’t have a doubt you could kiss my ass at anytime baby.” He lazily smiled at me,before his expression turned more serious. “I love you Y/N so fucking much!” He caresses my face before continuing “I’m so happy I could take a few days off to be with you,to celebrate the 7 years we’ve been together..and the many more years yet to come” He pecked my lips lightly “I could never have asked for a better woman,wife,best friend,lover,supporter..my own personal safe harbor.” He shyly smiled at me and pressed our foreheads together,and I couldn’t help the tears escaping through my eyes.

“Oh baby girl, I didn’t meant to make you cry!” He said

“Those are happy tears I promise!” I sighed “Besides,I feel bad that I can’t say such beautiful things to you,I’m sorry baby,that you got the product made with a broken mold” I sadly sighed.

“Hey,I already told you to stop saying those bad things about yourself! Also you don’t have to apologize,I know everything you went through and it’s normal for someone in your position to be a little careful when showing your fellings,and trust me babe, I don’t need your words to know that you love me,your actions already do the job!” The smile he gave me was so sincere that reached his eyes.And I really hope that my actions tonight will prove his statement to be right.

“So,when do you plan on giving me my surprise?” He asked with a sparkle in his eyes.And I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Well the first thing I need to know is if you’re already fed?”

“Yep! I stopped by a cafe on my way home and ate something light,like you asked me to”. He responded

“Good!Now I’m gonna need you to take a shower so you can wash away the tiredness of your flight,towel yourself dry,but don’t put any clothes on I’m gonna need you naked for this.” He maliciously smirked at me.

“You need me naked,huh?” He licked his lips “Ok,sounds like a great surprise so far..”

“Yes it is! And if I were you, I would hurry up..”

With that he ran off to the bathroom like a little boy,and a few seconds later I could hear the water running.

As soon as I finished stripping the last piece of clothing off my body,I heard the bathroom door open and Roman call for me.

“I’m in the guest room.The one near the stairs.” A few seconds later, I see him entering the room.

“Wow,this looks beautiful!” Since we never used that room as a guest room,it didn’t had a bed(which helped a lot) I just cleaned the hardwood floor,placed a big extra thick(about 40mm) yoga exercise mat in the center of the room,a lot of candles(some were sandalwood scented,but not many,so it doesn’t get too nauseating.Just enough to give that relaxing feeling),some rose petals around the floor, a few cozy cushions around the yoga mat and a little low table with one massage candle and a large thermical water bottle(to keep the water cold and fresh).It wasn’t much but it did look cozy and spa like.

“Did you like it?”

“If I like it?Baby girl it’s perfect!”Then he looked at my naked body and added “Perfect indeed” as he slowly lowered down to catch my lips in the most romantic kiss. When I broke the kiss(‘cuz if it was for him,we would stay there for hours) I begin to explain to him what my surprise was.

“I was thinking what I could give you for our 5th year anniversary that wasn’t bought from a store,but had more of a deep sentimental value” He slowly nodded

“I was talking to Sarah and she told me that Lisa,her new girlfriend is a Tantric massage therapist and had given her a tantric massage one day,she said it was the best experience she’s ever had.So I got curious and decided to make an appointment with her and babe” I sighed “I’ve never had in my life,such an amazing experience! The feeling is...I can’t describe,you have to feel it to understand it. My point is,Lisa told me that tantric massage can be used by couples as a form of bonding,like a deeper connection. It can be used to strengthen they’re intimacy.” When I saw the confused look on his face I said

“What I’m trying to say is that I love you so much” He smiles “I love you too baby girl” I smiled back,continuing my explanation “And I know that you’re the best man I could’ve ever had asked for myself!Even too good for me,but my point is that,it makes me upset that I don’t tell you as often as I would like to how much you mean to me,so I asked Lisa for some advice on how to perform a tantric massage on you and thought that,maybe it would be a nice way to show you how I truly feel,through this” I pointed out to the set up in front of us,smiling shyly.

“I-I..baby girl, I don’t even know what to say...This is all so beautiful, I mean, you didn’t need to make all this to show me that you care or love me babe,I know that regardless” he touched my face softly and quickly added “But that doesn’t mean I’m not curious about your surprise..In fact I’m quite excited to see what this is all about” He has a evil sparkle on his eyes and we both couldn’t help but laugh.

“Ok big dog,I gonna need you to lay down on your stomach for me,okay?”

He smiled and did as I asked.

I kneeled down on one of the cushions beside the yoga mat and said

“Alright baby,now,I need you to close your eyes,relax and just focus on my touch upon your skin ok?” When he nodded I grabbed the massage candle and started by dripping some of the wax into his ankles and calves,lightly spreading the melted wax up,until it reaches his back thighs.

I remembered that Lisa told me that this should not be a relaxing massage,in the sense of quizzing in the muscles to bring relief,but it was more focused on the touch it self,so I had to keep a very lightweight touch and make sure that only my finger tips(and occasionally my finger nails if I wanted to) touched his skin lightly.

When I reached his back thighs I notice Roman shifting his weight ever so slightly.

*Oh thank God,I’m doing this right!* I thought to myself relieved.

I dripped more wax,now,onto his perfect round ass and lower back.As I begin working out the wax and spreading it I heard a deep,low,almost inaudible,growl leave his lips and I couldn’t help but smile to myself.I let my finger nails just lightly roam his ass,lower back and side hips.I was so lost in the action that I was caught by surprise when a loud moan left Roman’s lips.

“Y/N..”

I grabbed the candle again and repeated the same process but now on his middle and upper back,shoulders,in the back of his arms and forearms,the palm of his hands,his fingers,neck and ears.

When I reached his head,I lightly dive my finger tips through his hair so I could reach his scalp and begin lightly massaging it,as if I was washing his hair,when I very lightly scratched his scalp I heard a very familiar sound

“Mmmmm fuck,oh shit...Mmmmm”

*Hold on..did he just? Oh I know THAT sound,I think he came!* I thought to myself

I lightly tapped his shoulder twice(a sign for him to turn onto his back) and when he did I could see that I was right,as there were evidences of his cum not only on his stomach but also on the yoga mat,and his deliciously thick erection resting on his belly.

I placed a cushion under his hips and one under the back of his head before I repeated the same previous actions.Starting from the soles of his feet,working my way up his shin,knees,thighs,lower abdomen,hips,abdomen,ribs,chest,nipples,side of the neck,face,front shoulders,biceps,forearm and the front of his hands.

Once I got up and placed myself on the mat,between his legs, I looked at him and I could swear that in 7 years,I’ve never seen that man with such a wild,primal,raw,luscious look on his face.

“Ro?”

“Hm?” I’ve never heard his voice so rough before

“We’re going to the last step now,ok?”

“Mhmm” was all he answered with his gaze glued to my face

I dripped some wax onto my hands and rub them together to spread it.

I took his length into my left hand,lightly squeezed the base of his cock and started to pull my hand up towards the head until my hand slides off,just so I could grabbed it with my right hand and repeat the same steps.

“Oh my fucking God” He rolled his eyes to the back of his head “ Sweet fucking Christ,Oohhh fuuuck” He moaned with a raspy voice.

I took the opportunity to massage the head of his cock in a orange juicer motion.

“Argh” He deeply growled,snapped his eyes open and look at me with a deadly look on his face “Fuck me Y/N! I need you to fuck me right now! Come here and ride me nice and hard baby”

“But Roman,I’m not done ye-“

“I don’t give a fuck!” He gritted “I need you,and I need you right now! Just come here,and put my cock inside that sweet tight pussy baby” He smirked in an almost demonic way and I immediately straddle his hips.

Once I lined his cock to my entrance he quickly thrusted inside of me,making me gasp.

While he gave sometime to adjust he said

“Oh it feels good to be home!” He chuckled

“Baby girl, I don’t know what you did or how,but we’re definitely gonna be doing this more often!” He smiled deviously before he holded my hips in place so he could fuck me like a maniac.

“Oh Ro,fuck”

I’ve never felt him so thick,so deep and so hard inside of me.He was fucking me at a pace so brutal that it was almost deliciously painful.

He grabbed my wrists from his chest and rapidly tugged me down so our chests were glued to each other’s,he took the opportunity to ferociously kiss my lips while he preceded to fuck me brutally.

“Ro,baby,I’m gonna-“

I couldn’t even finish my sentence,because my orgasm hit me so hard that I couldn’t even breathe properly.

“Oh fuck me baby! So fucking tight...so warm...” He gritted “So insanely wet”

With that I could feel his cock throbbing and the hot spurts of his cum inside of me.

When he released his last spurt,we look at each other’s eyes and shared the most passionate loving kiss.When we broke the kiss I said

“I love you Ro,so much”

“With your heart,body and soul?” He lightly smiled,remembering his own words said to me on our wedding vows.

I smiled back before answering without a doubt

“With all of my heart,my whole body and my only soul”

And it was in that moment that I knew I couldn’t have picked a better surprise for the owner and of my heart,body and soul.

[yanderecandystore]

Can I request a soulmate thingy with the bullies and delinquents?

Hi! Well, I got a little confused about your request but I think I got it, although I normally do one pair of ocs per post (or all ocs at once-) I guess I could do about both delinquents and bullies-

Especially since soulmate conundrums can be such a complex thing that it would take a long time to write one single post with every single OC lol-

Thank you for requesting!

TW/Tags: angst here and there // long as fuck // Soulmate shenanigans // not so great relationships (bullying) // cursing // delusional expectations/ideas // gender neutral reader

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Soulmate issues lol [Yandere!Bully OC/Yandere! Delinquent OC x Soulmate!Reader - Scenario]:

🎇 Let me set the stage for a quick sec!🎇

In this timeline, let us just say that something very specific happens to make it possible for two or more people to realize that they may be soulmates (cause I don't know how else I could create this universe boo XD). I think that two people that are soulmates would not be aware of it until they would be able to see each other's birthmarks, kinda like a magical symbol that is stuck on your skin ever since you were born.

In a reality where you are aware that you have a destined loved one possibly waiting for you and that it would be treason of you to not search for them, you could imagine how high your expectations were.

Well, not only your expectations but also the expectations of the entire society surrounding you, expecting you to simply accept whoever carries the same exact birth symbol as you.

Even if having a birthmark that dictates your future love interest is a common thing in your society, it doesn't mean that people just go around showing each other's birthmarks. It's believed that there is no need to rush things and that if you did find the love of your life, it's not because of the birthmark itself, but rather the spiritual connection between you two that brought you together unconsciously.

As I said before, your expectations were just as high as your hopes, as you wished to be able to meet the person who would "complete" you, the person carrying the soul of someone that had loved you through life and death, carrying the soul of the person YOU loved through life and death!

Now, how badly can this beautiful idealized narrative go?- I mean, consider your soulmates that is.

🍒Bullies🍭:

→ Alexandra Coldwell:

Alexandra is not exactly a patient person, you can imagine that the idea of having someone that would instantly fall in love with her was a really interesting idea, almost too good to be true.

Don't get me wrong, she believed this whole shenanigan to be unnecessary and dictating. She thought it was stupid to just start loving someone she doesn't know, and it's not like she is going to kiss some stranger's ass just because they have the same birthmark as her.

Ugh, that thing almost felt like some sort of bad tattoo she should have thought twice about having. It was a beautiful symbol, an elegant C' on emblem surrounded by thorns. Doctors believed that Alexandra could possibly be the reincarnation of one of her ancestors, since her birthmark is coincidentally similar to the old Coldwell family symbol used in the middle ages.

Although there isn't any evidence left of who was the "original owner" of the birthmark, neither of the people who they were destined to be with, which doesn't really matter to her at all, since she still thinks this "tattoo" was only a reminder of something stupid that she did that she doesn't want to be a part of it anymore.

Even after knowing that the possibility of seeing her "sOuLmATe" walking around town was possible, Alexandra never really cared about finding them. She preferred to have fun with as many people as she could instead of following her heart or whatever, she doesn't need anyone after all.

That's what she thought before noticing your birthmark. That symbol, that same exact symbol was placed on your skin, on YOU of all people. She has been bullying you ever since you entered the university but she had never EVER considered the possibility of you being her soulmate.

Even so, it does make a lot of sense! Ever since you entered the institution, you two had a weird connection that kept bringing each other closer although unconsciously. It felt like somehow she couldn't stop picking on you, and to you, it felt like there was no escape from her.

And it seems that your interpretation of your situation was correct, considering that now you are apparently bound to her with the same stupid destiny tattoo or whatever-

The fact that you are the one person she is bound to eternity is extremely humorous to her at first. It's both insulting and ironic that a nerd like you got the chance in a lifetime to be her soulmate, don't you feel lucky?

She will continue her bullying because obviously this is a great opportunity to show you your place, which is by her side no matter what you say or do. Alexandra believed that this was either a well crafted joke by the universe or just a cruel punishment to her, having someone like you be tied to her by love sounds so absurd…

And pretty fitting, in a way.

As time passed Alexandra started to grow closer to you, her bullying and general mean attitude had seemed to tone down as long as it was towards you. She seemed to have found a soft spot for you in her heart, but sadly, things don't always work like we plan them to.

You were disgusted by the fact ever since you realized it, how can you be stuck with her, of all people in the entire world? The soft feeling you get when you stand next to her doesn't help your case at all!-

Why of all people here, your bully has to be your soulmate? Maybe it was foolish of you to believe that when you finally found the one and only you would feel happy, maybe it was foolish for you to believe that the person you had fallen for once would be a actually gentle and caring person.

While Alexandra tried to get closer to you, you made your best efforts to get away from her as fast as you could. You didn't want to be near your bully specially when you just discovered that the reason you have continued to endure it for so long was because of the entire soulmate thing! Curse the stupid feelings that she gives you every time she is playful or soft towards you.

If you two had known each other in different conditions, this could all be a lot easier to deal with.

→ Adrien Coldwell:

Adrien may look pretty unbothered on the outside, yet that is nothing but a facade to keep his reputation from instantly falling as he squeals in excitement. This is perfect for him.

Differently from his sister, who has a symbol that is almost reminiscent of the old Coldwell brand mark and that has granted her the "special sibling of the dual" statues, Adrien has a somewhat weird birthmark. Is quite simply a shield with cherry on top. Is simple, pretty basic even.

There were no data associating his birthmark to anyone in his family, so presumably he isn't a possible reincarnation as his sister is, which lead the family to favor her over him since his birthmark has no resemblance of anything related to the family's history or is it intriguing or fun to look at.

It's a simple mark. What's so good about it?

And that's exactly what they got wrong, it was the exact opposite of a simple mark. It had a great meaning to Adrien, it meant something so important to him that he has sworn to search for his soulmate because of it. Because no one seemed to take his birthmark seriously he felt compelled to actually understand what it could mean, and how could he use it to get closer to his special someone.

His sister seemed to be the only one who noticed how the neglect affected Adrien to the point he decided to put up a mask and hide his need for even a little bit of attention.

I wouldn't bat an eye if he was the one to actually find out about you two sharing the same birthmark first. He has been stalking you and harassing you for so long, it would make sense as to why he feels so good when he is in your presence or interacting with you.

Granted that your earlier encounters were just him being an ass and being pretty rude to you in class, but now it's different you know??

He is so glad to have found you, finally- He got too excited to even show you that you two had the same symbol glued in your skins, he just started acting differently one day.

One day, while you were at the university he literally just gave you a small gift and called you out on a date. It was pretty frightening seeing someone who doesn't smile a lot trying to express fondness through their menacing looking grin, you had instantly thought it was some sort of elaborate prank yet you couldn't stop yourself from simply following with his plan.

You just felt compelled to go with him, despite the fact he has been nothing but a childish bully towards you. You can imagine the surprise on your face when he actually came to pick you up and have a great time chatting over a simple meal at a expensive ass restaurant you could never afford-

While you were being paranoid and trying to see where the "punchline", the "climax" of his prank was, he was enjoying his time with you not even noticing the fact you looked at him with suspicion written in your face.

You ended up spelling out your confusion and distrust of his person, claiming that you didn't know what he had in-store for you, but if this was some sort of prank he should just get it done with because you needed to be back home soon.

He was so shocked at your statement that he almost felt his heart breaking at your words, the sudden realization that he hasn't shown you why he was acting so kindly towards you in the first place.

And that's when the whole night went from confusing to horrible. You felt genuinely bad that the truth about his kindness wasn't because of a genuine change of heart, but rather because of your soul connection.

But that revelation wasn't as bad as when you actually notice you catching feelings for him throughout this time he has been a douche with you. You realized the exact reason why you came here, HE had realized the exact reason you came here.

You felt yourself panicking, leaving the restaurant immediately, how can you be his soulmate even if he is such a jerk with you??

How can you tell if these feelings are due to a genuine interest or just the connection through souls?

Why does it hurt to think he is only being kind because of the effects the birthmark has on him?

Even if the birthmark represents a strong bond that can't even be broken by death itself, you felt genuinely concerned for this being a disingenuous love. Yet that brings the question: Why do you care so much? Isn't he just an asshole you met in your class?

While you left crying confused of the sudden wave of questions clouding your mind, Adrien was feeling that our void consumed him.

Apparently he was wrong about his expectations, he shouldn't have thrown a bomb at you so suddenly. Or maybe, you don't really love him at all, and don't want anything to do with him.

There is nothing left but a poor foolish man crying while making no sound in his fancy table.

🍋Delinquents🐛:

→ Jackson Macnee:

Not exactly the most obvious romantic lover in the world, Jack can be pretty "whatever" when it comes to these things. He didn't really believed in the idea of love at first sight, although he is the type to get instant crushes really fast-

Jack's birthmark it's surprisingly cool looking, a snake coiling itself on a branch. It's so funny how it looks like a natural tattoo, he even decided to not hide it at all since he liked the look of it. It's not uncommon for people to leave their birthmarks visible, but in the case of Jack he used to wear it in public as a real tattoo rather than a soulmate birthmark.

Whenever someone asked about it, he would lie saying it wasn't the real deal, and when it came to people asking "which one is it then?" he would tell them to fuck off. It's none of their fucking business, it's supposed to be a intimate thing, isn't it?

Jack believed that the symbol was something way too important to be shared out as a talking subject, so much so that he has considered many times covering his birthmark in public due to the prying eyes looking at it. Yet he wore it as a tattoo so he could find someone who would recognize it as their own symbol, and whoever didn't recognize it, didn't deserve to hear the truth.

Yeah, maybe he did take this a little too seriously. I mean how couldn't he? It's something that dictates whoever the fuck he is supposed to be with, yeah people can go around and sleep with or date whoever they want, yet he felt compelled to wait and see what would happen.

To see if someone in the crowd would recognize it and talk with him, so he could see how this whole shenanigan works. And of course, his plan did work out eventually, as he caught you staring at him for way too long.

He thought you were confusing him with someone else, but having someone like you stare at him for so long was starting to annoy him- So of course, he rudely asked you what the hell did you want.

You were surprised by the harsh tone, yet not completely taken back by it. You seemed confident that his "tattoo" was clearly the same birthmark that you had.

You… Surprised him. You were so confident and comfortable with telling a total strangeville that you two were destined to be together or whatever. It's not everyday that you see someone so straightforward, so he decided to see how far this would go- He asked:

"- And…?"

"- I don't know- I haven't thought about it to be honest-" You said looking at him deadpanned. You were telling the truth though, you didn't really expect to find not only a person with a similar birthmark to you but to legit be right about them being your soulmate. You had met so many people with the "snake coiled in a branch" tattoo that you almost thought it was some sort of joke from the universe (it shouldn't even be possible for so many people to have the same coincidental tattoo!).

You started to introduce yourself and ask for his name and where he was going- It felt weird to be receiving so much attention out of nowhere by someone he doesn't know- Well, more accurately someone he had just met but still feels like he knows for years.

If you're so interested to know him and… I don't know, do whatever soulmates are supposed to do- He can totally do that right about now-

I mean, he doesn't have anything to do right now, and although he may not show it he is kinda interested to see how this will work out. It's clear that there is something that connects you two yet he would prefer to get to know what type of person you are. Even if he is low-key already digging this nonchalant attitude from you, he is a little worried that you may be a little gremlin in disguise.

Jack acts so careful around you that sometimes it's hard to tell if he is enjoying himself or if he just genuinely doesn't trust you for some reason. Even if he is loving every second of getting to know you, the lack of affection being expressed from his part makes you question if this is really what destiny has instore for you.

Hopefully he'll be able to open himself up before you think this won't work out at all.

→ Janette Sartorius:

Janette is a hopeless romantic woman. It doesn't help that her whole entire life she grew up dreaming about this moment.

Her birthmark is simplistic yet it meant the entire world to her-. A sword stuck on a rock as the laces that decorate the sword fly in the wind. It really did look like a tattoo, some people had even questioned her if that was her real birthmark or just a tattoo she made to look cool.

To some it may seem like a cool little symbol to have on her skin, yet to her it feels like there is something more to it. A meaning, a dream, a memory perhaps?

Ever since she was young she loved the stories of knights and princesses, she started to associate that image of the sword with that dream of being someone else's knight. It was charming to her and it seemed like she hasn't grown out of that phase ever since.

The first impression is the one that lasts, right? So the only way to meet her darling is to have a big entrance. It's not like she isn't ready at any time, it's just that she hoped that for all the good luck in world to not make her look stupid infront of whoever had the same birthmark as her.

Fortunately for her, her wishes were granted as in a brilliant moment of pure fucking convinient plot coincidence as she not only managed to impress you, but to also feel like the knight she so badly wanted to be.

She got her glorious moment after defending you from another classmate that was harassing you, to which she only got to enjoy after she looked over at you and not only instantly thought you looked pretty hot in her eyes and also saw that familiar image on the back of your hand.

It was pretty much love at first sight, which was literally bound by the universe to happen. I mean, can't you see this?? This perfect scene, the fact that she didn't need to look at your birthmark to see how gorgeous you were and to even be able to help you get up-

It was perfect! It felt perfect, it was even better than what she had dreamed of. The only thing to spoil this sweet moment between soon to be lovers was the bell ringing and you turning your back and running to class after whispering a shy "thank you bye". She couldn't even say her name, or ask your name, or even show you her own birthmark!

The only thing you left was a tiny notepad you forgot to pick up. There were scribbles here and there talking about some class assignments and source material for your studies.

It felt like you were Cinderella running away and leaving the crystal heel so she could pick it up and find you later on. It made her heart flustered at the comparison, it was all coming along so well.

She recognized which was the subject that your notepad was referring to, and soon went to find your class where she could hopefully find you and give it back.

But when she reached your class at lunchtime she didn't find you anywhere inside, only a couple of your classmates were there. She asked everyone she could to see where you were, like she was interrogating them over a crime scene because of how desperate she looked.

It felt like an endless chase to find you, people had given her vague or useless information over and over again. Some were playing a prank on Janette and others genuinely didn't know enough about you to know where you could be.

From the information she gathered around, you were a silent study all day type of person. She heard that you didn't enjoy it at all but you felt the need to try your hardest to be able to pass in your exams. Janette heard that you were shy and tended to keep yourself away from genuinely getting involved with people, which led to people considering you a weirdo and to bullying you over this.

It was a terrible reason to treat someone so loveable so badly yet it didn't surprise her since the institution was an absolute mess, if delinquents like her can go around and burn shit down, then clearly that was something wrong with the educational system.

Yet she didn't give up even for a second, she needed to find you, she needed to talk with you and tell you about your destiny together (and trying not to sound so desperate as she was-). Her efforts were compensated by finally finding you and being able to give you the notepad back.

It was so heartwarming to hear you say thank you again and being able to introduce herself properly, yet there was something different about this conversation. You seemed… worried of her presence, disturbed by it, concerned of her being so close and breathless next to you.

She thought you were startled by the sudden approach, after all you were a shy ball, right? That's why- That's why you got so shocked when she said you two were meant for each other, right? That's why you seemed so surprised after she showed you her birthmark.

O-Of course you weren't distancing yourself out of fear, right? Even if your eyes look so freaked out, it was probably because of how sudden the situation was right?

You didn't actually fear her, right? She knows she can be a bit intimidating, but-

But there is no way you're afraid of your own soulmate, right? There is no way she is scaring her own darling away, that was impossible…

You didn't mean it when you said you were "too busy with studying to think about getting a relationship", did you? She- She must had heard it wrong-

What type of fuckin excuse is that?? What moron says that to a person who they're literally bonded with forever?!

Janette was visibly shaking, her expression was of pure anger which didn't really surprise you as you expected her to get mad at such a terrible excuse. You didn't lie about being busy studying, you lied about not wanting to date her because of it. You were afraid of her because of her reputation, you didn't want anything to do with a delinquent, or a leader of a biker gang, or anyone so hot headed for that matter! It was ironic how your soulmate was literally the one person you wanted to be away from, even if you did feel a little more protected in her presence.

Actually, you would be lying if that encounter wasn't so… Romantic, in a way.

Yet it doesn't help that just the idea of getting rejected is making her look so violent, she hasn't even spoken anything or even raised her hand, yet there is a clear "nope" flag hanging over her head- You didn't say no! You just- You just don't know how you feel about this, is too sudden-

You fail to find the right words to tell her and hopefully calm her down, instead you just cowardly distance yourself and slowly slipping your back against the wall so you can make yourself seem smaller, unconsciously trying to showcase how terrified you were and how you you literally regretted every word that had ever come on out of your mouth.

Of course she was mad, but more because of the situation than of you actually- I mean, she has been waiting for this moment her whole life! How… How can anyone say something like that to their own soulmate for fucks sake?! How can you not feel the same spark that she feels by just talking with you? Is she in the wrong for wanting to jump straight to the "Happy ever after" of your story together? Maybe she is coming off way too strong about this, is this why you're being so stubborn?

When she manages to calm herself before saying something she would regret it, the look that you give her tells her that she really, really messed up this introduction part.

It hurts her to think you're scared of her, yet what hurts more is the fact she almost screwed this whole up for you two, you just need… some time to know her, right? To understand her, and so she can understand you.

She'll try to comfort you, yet is clear that she isn't the best at comforting people, but- But please! Please let her try!!

Let her try to be your knight in shining armour, dearest.

Even if you don't like the idea of spending time with her, I think you don't have a say in the matter. You'll stay by her side and you will see how you two were made for each other, you'll see.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮��⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[cordeliaflyte]

Some parts of Courtney Eaton’s interview on Doomcoming episode.

“Doomcoming” feels like a significant turning point in the evolution of Lottie. How did you prepare for what she goes through?


When we got the script and rushed onto set that day, I remember being like, “What are we about to film?” The party, the shrooms — we called it the orgy. I didn’t see it taking that big of a turn, but it makes sense for Lottie, especially with what she went through in episode eight. Laura Lee had this unwavering faith and mental clarity and that’s what Lottie is searching for — she’s uncertain about her own reality and trying to find something to hold onto. Losing Laura Lee is kind of her breaking point.

With her predictions, it’s the first time in her life that whatever is going on with her has been labeled a positive thing. In episode six, you see her get shut down by her parents and medicated, so her whole life she’s been taught that whatever is going on with these thoughts isn’t normal and is unnatural. At the party, she is obviously grieving and has been pushed back to the edge. When you add psychedelics to someone who is already questioning their reality, it can go south pretty quickly. With psychedelics, a lot of the time people talk about having this spiritual experience or feeling this energy; I don’t think she realizes it’s starting to lead her down a negative path.

What role did the baptism have in Lottie’s character development? She doesn’t tell anyone that she had a vision of something bad happening to Laura Lee. Do you think part of her grieving process is the guilt of thinking she could have done something to save her friend, or do you think that hasn’t connected for her yet?


I think it hasn’t fully connected for her yet, and I think the reason she was led to the baptism is, you know, a lot of times in intense situations, people fall back on something that is greater or bigger than themselves, like a godly figure. As humans, we can manipulate things to fit our own situations, and I think she’s reaching for any answer she can get. It’s so hard breaking Lottie down because while I was acting, sometimes I would look at her visions like, maybe this isn’t just her. With the other girls and the river … maybe it’s a collective kind of PTSD thing.

Almost like a collective imagining — like they’re feeding each other.


Yeah.

That’s what’s so interesting about the séance. Part of me wonders, why are you having a séance? But it’s another huge moment for Lottie in terms of a spirit, or demonic entity visiting her. In your own understanding of the character, what do you think is happening to Lottie at that moment?


The séance happened so quickly, and we got that script not far out from shooting it. The way I looked at it was more of an accumulation. Even though she’s spewing French, I played it as a mental break, because if I had gone into it like she was being taken over by something, it wouldn’t have grounded it for me. The way I approached it was a building up of fucked-up shit.

What kind of prep went into the “Doomcoming” orgy for you?


We had a really great intimacy coordinator, Katherine Kadler. It’s an uncomfortable scene to shoot, especially with Kevin, who plays Travis — we’re all essentially sexually assaulting him. It was a big team effort to choreograph how we would all come together. Mentally, for Lottie, I think she’s just grieving, especially when they’re around the campfire and about to start the party. She feels like everyone has moved on pretty quickly from Laura Lee’s death. When I start singing, we found that it grounded it, and maybe it was Laura Lee’s favorite song. So the night starts off negatively for Lottie because she’s already in this head space, she’s isolating herself and she’s still grieving heavily, more than the rest of the girls. Then you add shrooms to it, and she’s gonna go find answers somewhere else.

What do you think would’ve happened if Jackie and Nat hadn’t stopped the girls?


I didn’t think past that point because that is a whole other realm of different consequences. But I think they — at least Lottie, probably — would have gone through with it. I think Shauna also would have gone through with it.

They are the ones leading the charge in that scene. I sort of anticipated Lottie, but not Shauna.


Yeah, definitely Lottie! It’s funny, too, because Shauna and Lottie are the ones — at least that the audience sees — who are dealing with such big secrets, whereas Taissa is very good at cutting things off where she needs to, seeing a path and getting things done. I guess it’s like when people do shrooms: You see some people having a great time, someone’s crying in the corner, and other people are questioning life and God and all that. I think it made sense that the two who are struggling the most are leading the charge, weirdly.

What was it like putting on the deer crown?


It was crazy because no one knew up until that episode who was going to be the “Antler Queen,” as everyone’s calling it. [Note: The opening scene of the pilot episode was shot in Mammoth, Calif., with only Samantha Hanratty as Misty from the cast on set. All other characters were played by stunt performers.] We kind of knew it was Lottie to begin with because Sam had done some things in the pilot and she had put some things together. But it was kind of insane.

Is it actual antler? Is it plastic?


They said it was real antler horns, but they shed them usually. I’m vegan, I was like, “I don’t really want any fur,” but I’m okay if it’s a naturally occurring thing. We had that and a headpiece covered with earrings and leftover pieces of T-shirts and things like that. It was hard for it to stay on your head while we were fighting.

This is so interesting thank you! I love that Lottie's reaction to losing her evangelical bestie is "we should get absolutely hammered". She's like "why has everyone moved on so quickly from Laura Lee's death :( anyway let's have an orgy xoxo"

[energyweaverac]

On the Topic of Personal Discernment

(This post was written while connected to my own Akashic Records, and is loosely taken from a lecture I gave in a past life)

Let’s talk about discernment, and more specifically, discernment in your personal life. How do you discern what is right for you? What is true for you? Where is the line between trust and naivety? Between hope and fear?

The definition of Personal Discernment, as it is being discussed in the context of this post (not necessarily the Websters edition):

Personal Discernment is by definition subjective, it is the comprehension of truth as it aligns with your uniquely personal perspective and authentic self. Discerning something ‘correctly’ is discerning the most right answer for your subjective and authentic path -discerning a truth removed from the layers of fear, uncertainty, and programming that distorts our perception and path.

To start, I wanted to talk for a moment about my personal experience with personal discernment. I want to first validate these questions by expressing that the lines are often blurred, and that sometimes you won’t truly know which side of the line you are on until you are already past it and seeing it through the clarity of hindsight. Sometimes the challenge and the lesson is in the uncertainty. It’s the blind extension into the unknown, grasping for details and possibilities to create a picture that will dissolve the uncertainty into clarity. In that blind searching, that grasp of uncertainty, you are able to connect with these ‘haphazard’ details, mistakes, and potential truths, so that when all of these pieces come together and the truth of the outcome - the discernment - comes into fruition, you can see the bigger picture of it all. You can see because of some of the mistakes why it was the ‘better’ path, or you better understand the why because of the questions you asked from a place of uncertainty. In this way, I want to validate the mirage around discernment, and help you understand that if you are unsure about the clarity or the validity of what you have discerned, that you are still doing it exactly right.

But I also understand that depending on the topic at hand, or the state of your wellbeing, sometimes it’s more important to be sure of the quality of your discernment. I find this to be particularly true when the state of uncertainty around your discernment is so extreme that you are forced into stagnancy - unable to reach into the unknown to grasp for potential truths, mistakes, or validations - frozen by fear or insecurity.

So here is my perspective on the most important steps for fine tuning your personal discernment; and what I mean by that is honing your discernment in a way that you can trust more deeply and also guides you to your best possible outcome.

Note: For this technique, it’s imperative that it is centered around personal discernment as defined above. So it’s important to frame the point of discernment in a way that is focused on you. For example, instead of approaching this technique from the vantage point of ‘I discerned that ___ person is lying to me’ focus it as ‘I will be happier without connecting to ___ person.’ Perhaps you’ve discerned a couple of possibilities/timelines, but you can’t quite settle on which is 'true'. Don’t worry, as long as you center the options on your own experience/action, then the steps below will account for that.  

Step 1: Authenticity.

Now I might be a little biased, because I believe that uncovering your authenticity is the most important thing you can do in life, in general. I believe that when you are connected to your authentic self, you will be naturally in tune with your unique frequency and naturally connect with experiences, outcomes, and feelings that are also in resonance with your authentic self - it becomes almost effortless and obvious to discern your ‘best’ answer, your ‘highest’ truth. But that also requires having a concept around what your authentic truth even is, and uncovering your authenticity under all of the layers of programming and masks and confusion can be a multi-lifelong process. So don’t fret, you don’t have to have a perfect picture of your authentic self to accomplish this first step. Instead, I want you to get in the habit of asking yourself this question “does XYZ resonate with joy, inspiration, and peace for me?” Why those three emotions you may say? Well in my work with The Akashic Records and my Spirit Team, I’ve been re-learning the inner mechanisms of the soul, and where the core ‘cells’ of your soul exist (your most original and authentic petals of existence), there are three significant energetic pathways that begin branching out from that core - and they can be simplified into the energies of joy, inspiration, and peace. So if when you ask yourself this question “Does XYZ resonate with joy, inspiration, and peace for me?” If it does, then it’s a pretty sure bet that that that thing you are discerning is at least connected to that foundation of authenticity, and if it is connecting you to your authenticity, then you can be fairly confident that it is at least relatively connected to your highest and greatest good, and also connected to your authentic truth.

Step 2: Depth of Feeling

Now that you’ve determined that XYZ you discerned resonates with joy, inspiration, and peace, it’s time to really feel it. This is also the time where you can start narrowing things down. Maybe you’ve discerned a couple of possibilities, and maybe they both resonate with joy, inspiration and peace; but you really want to figure out which one is the ‘best’ option for you, which one will direct you the most closely to your authentic truth. To do that, I recommend connecting mindfully with how much joy, inspiration, and peace you feel when thinking about your discerned possibilities. Connect to the depth of it. This may take a bit of time or meditation when first exploring this technique, but eventually you’ll find it easier to understand (and easier to connect to your authentic self). It’s important to ensure you are shifting your consciousness into your heart space, and allowing yourself to contemplate the original question and answer in that dimensional portal of feeling and connection. It will feel like a pulse, and you can gauge that pulse for its depth and range. Does it settle and thrum like a gentle pitter patter, does it radiate out through all that you are like a shockwave? Somewhere in between? Does it cause a subtle smile, or move you to tears? Exploring the depth of the resonance for you will not only help you narrow down your choices or clarify a truth, but it also builds on that foundation of trust and confidence in what you have discerned so that you can move forward with it and not be bound by the stagnation of fear.

Step 3: Time

Finally, if there are still some remnants of doubt or fear, I find that it is helpful to consider XYZ and the quality and depth of joy, inspiration, and peace, in the context of time. After all, while our soul may exist outside of the parameters of time, our physical bodies and minds are still connected to time. Depending on the topic of XYZ being discerned, the way in which you go about this last approach may vary. But the general idea is to connect with the idea of XYZ being true across time. Does the quality and depth of joy, inspiration, and peace maintain over time (as far as you can fathom in your current reality)? Does it still feel ‘good’ and ‘right’ a week from now? A month from now? Five years from now? Twenty years from now? Keep this conscious consideration in the heart space - or if you wanna get advanced, move it to the perineum energy portal where your original cells (and your core authenticity) are energetically encoded. You don’t want to overthink it too much with a hundred different possibilities, but simply present yourself the idea of XYZ being true in ___ amount of time, and feel it. Do you get inspired by the possibilities? Do you have a spark of joy from the gratitude of it still being true? Do you feel at peace with the truth across the span of time and potential changes? You should feel grounded and secure in the truth of it - not just to serve the satisfaction of this current moment, but across the changes inherent to time. Because if XYZ is true for your authentic self, then it will be true and right for you across all space and time.

Bonus Step: Fuck it, Sovereignly.

When all else fails, and you’ve gone through the above three steps with a thoughtful and genuine approach, but you are still unsure, ask yourself: “will pursuing the answer I have discerned actively and detrimentally cause harm to myself or someone else?” If the answer is no, then sometimes a healthy dose of ‘fuck it’ energy goes a long way in releasing stagnation and simply being open to the flow of possibilities. Sometimes the ‘best’ or ‘most right’ answer, is to simply explore.

In truth, at least my truth, sometimes trust requires a little naivety, and sometimes hope can be scary. It’s okay for those lines to be a little blurred, and to feel a little bit of all of them. The important thing is to connect with that feeling in a way that allows you to move in the direction of your choosing, and in a way that will serve to significantly promote your authenticity and wellbeing. Trust and Truth are complex and ever-changing things, and they will mean something different to everyone. It’s my hope that this post, and these steps, will help you connect with your inner trust and truth in a deeper way through the navigation of your personal discernment. Feel free to explore this technique and these concepts in whatever way works best for you. You are welcome to expand on them and explore their framework in new and unique ways. This is just my perspective and my approach, I look forward to you making it your own.

If you enjoyed reading this, and want to listen to me chat more about some different topics, check out my Spiritual Mentorship Service or the Classes that I teach.

[mego42]

fav lines tag

RULES: share your favorite sentence/paragraph from each one of your fics and tag 6 other fic writers to do it too :)

tagged by the talented brilliant incredible @foxmagpie (💖)

tagging: @pynkhues @hypermania @bethsuglywigs @riosnecktattoo @missmaxime @sothischickshe @joeyjoeylee

some ground rules: I’m only doing brio fic bc at some point when I wasn’t paying attention I wrote a metric fuckton of it and we’re already gonna be here all day bc my other ground rule is I’m allowed to interpret the concept of a line however i want. i’m also gonna tell you why i picked them bc no one can stop me. cool? cool. good talk. 

your monster looks like mine

okay so my first choice for fav would be the entire ~conversation around whether or not beth had a choice when she set rio up bc oooof I just love how that came out so! much! BUT if I’m limiting myself to something closer to a line, I’m going with this one. i love what it establishes for rio’s emotional state when it comes to beth, i love how it captures their push/pull constant one upping battle, I love the rhythm of the flow of it and the grandiose verbiage (i was having a frankly unreasonable amount of fun with natural phenomena imagery throughout the whole fic and this captures a bit of it). idk I just think it’s neat.

The words rip through him, a bright, blazing comet trail whipped across his sky, illuminatin’ his landscape, impossible to ignore.

Elizabeth’s spread out on the bed below him, golden hair tumblin’ around her face, mouth red and swollen, lookin’ up at him like she’s got him. Like she’s figured some shit out. Like she fuckin’ did something by putting that together.

Like Rio doesn’t fuckin’ know. Like that doesn’t fuckin’ haunt him, torment him, mock him every time she pulls some of her bullshit and he’s left picking up the pieces, knowin’ damn well what the right answer is but also knowin’ he’s always gonna be wrong when it comes to her.

--

a song inside the halls of the dark

another one where I’d pick a whole scene if I could BUT if  the whole opening flashback isn’t on the table (idk I love it for 14,000 reasons including how it sets up the bookend structure for the chapter, how it sets up a bunch of the final payoffs, the tone of it, idk everything about it came out exactly how I wanted it to and I really love how it tees up the ending), then I’m going with this bit from the final brio scene. it ties back in a whole bunch of threads that have been woven in and out all the way back to the first chapter and closes them out in a way that also feels (to me) like a beginning which I love bc the whole theme of the chapter is it’s a beginning, not the end.

What does it mean then, that he’s slept so soundly beside her?

The playhouse glows softly. She wonders how many more times she can get away with sanding it before it weakens past the point of supporting the kids’ weight and the whole thing collapses.

Behind it, she can see the long shadow it casts reaching for the boxwoods bordering the yard. The lines of the structure frame windows of bright moonlight on the grass, eerily reminiscent of the windows that loomed large in the nightmares Beth abruptly realizes she hasn’t had in weeks. Not since that last night at Rio’s loft. And that’d been the last one since...his car. Canada. The night all of this started.

Beth blinks. What does it mean that she’s slept so soundly beside him?

A-live, alive, alive, I—

Her breath catches.

—

pills’n’potions

I don’t have any grand reasoning for why I picked this bit from the 4th (i think?) ~ch as my fav, I just really like writing annie and rio interacting and I especially love writing them with annie like, intellectually aware that she should probably be afraid of him but also spiritually incapable of not being herself and rio being wildly annoyed by it

"What?" He asks, giving the t an edge sharp enough to cut.

There's a pause. "What like you didn't hear me, or what like what do I want?"

[...]

"Hello?"

Now the sister sounds like she's getting annoyed, and Rio's really gotta do somethin' about the two of them runnin' 'round actin' like he's someone they can get away with not takin' seriously. Like he's some sort of pet. Defanged. Declawed. Fuckin' neutered.

"Get to the point."

"I mean, I kind of did in the message."

—

trade my heart for honey

the only thing sexier than rio being good at pool is beth being a fucking shark and rio being out of control turned on by it.

Dropping all pretense at being less than she is, Beth grabs the cue ball, positioning it slightly to the left of center where the felt is slightly more worn. Even without the tell, she's seen Rio put it there enough times to know it's the table's sweet spot. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Rio shift his weight before she tunes him out entirely, drawing the stick back and letting it fly.

It's as close to a perfect break as she's probably ever managed. The cue ball connects dead on, scattering the rest far and wide. The one and the six drop neatly into pockets, the four and five coming to a stop right on the edge of the left side and far left corner, nearly closing off that whole side of the table.

Every stripe remains in play.

"Solids," she says, not letting herself dwell on the way Rio's mouth hangs slightly open, his eyes glazed over.

—

swaying evergreens

the whole theme of this fic is the terrifying intimacy and vulnerability of sharing your most precious moments and memories with someone you care about and I like how this touches on that along with sort of nutshelling the double edged sword of grief-tinted memory which is another major theme

There's somethin' extra about these unguarded moments. That Elizabeth trusts Rio enough to drop her guard completely and give him this completely unvarnished look at her. It's been over a year since he's been back in her bed, since the first time he'd slept here, but there's still somethin' tentative about it. Like there's a part of him that's never going to be all the way over the first time he'd been here, that can't fully believe how far they've come, that this isn't going to crumble, melt, drain away.

Truthfully, Rio doesn't mind it, that faint edge. He's well acquainted with the different flavors of loss, and the threat of it's a counterpoint that keeps him sharp. Lets him know this is real but not somethin' he'll take for granted.

—

swear on a silver knife

there were a couple of sexy tension bits that made for strong contenders but ultimately this won bc I’m obsessed with how this reference to 306 came out.

“I told you. I got my own debts to pay.” He bit off the words like it cost him something to repeat them.

Beth shivered, abruptly right back at that picnic table, cheeks wet and staring at him, searching for any hint of the man she’d—she’d—anyone besides the cold, unfeeling stranger sitting beside her, blood so fresh on his hands she could nearly smell it underneath the scent of the cold, misty night rain falling around them, blurring her eyes, beading in her hair and on his eyelashes.

—

listening through the air shaft

this was a really hard one to narrow down but I ultimately went with this but bc I love it for a culminating look at how beth and rio’s relationship has evolved throughout the fic and also bc a version of this scene was the first thing I wrote for the whole fic so it was fun to finally get there with everything in place behind it. I also just love it as a reference for the dichotomy of both beth and rio and also how complicated that is makes being around them for everyone else

They aren't even doing anything, just quietly working side by side, but there's a synchronicity to their movements, a quiet peace that makes Dean feel more like an intruder than anything else that's happened today, and he hates it.

It’s so far from the guy that’d broken into his home, beaten him up. Who’d looked at him with those terrifying, blank, shark eyes before casually shooting him in the chest like it was nothing right where they’re about to sit down and share a meal.

A guy, Dean suddenly realizes, he hasn’t seen any hint of in a long, long time. It’s not that he doesn’t think that part of him isn’t there, it’s just...it’s weird, is all, how completely he puts it away.

It reminds Dean of Beth, actually, now that he’s thinking about it.

God. They look so...so domestic. Sweet. Disarming in a way that completely undermines everything Dean thought he'd known about the guy and their whole...thing.  

He just—he doesn't get it, what Beth sees in him.

—

now use both hands

idk I just like this bit let me live

"What are you—what service?"

He makes himself take the route through the showroom that brings him right past her, leaning in and softly brushing a lock of hair out of her face for the first time in longer than he can remember.

Her eyes flutter shut, and he feels absolutely nothing.

"Helping sad, lonely housewives get off once their husbands are done with them."

Her eyes snap open, and he makes himself look at her long enough to watch the hit land and the hurt bloom.

He's empty, untouchable, she's nothing to him.

Rio doesn't look back.

—

I'd give her a HA! And a HI-YA!

you can take my made up backstory for rio and mick from me when you pry it from my cold dead hands.

Mick had been there the first time Rio'd had to get his hands all the way dirty and had kept an eye on him when he'd gotten blackout drunk after, and Rio'd done the same for him. Every bloody, grimy step Rio'd climbed, Mick had been right there with him, watching his back all the way to the top.

The point is Rio's Mick's brother in every way that counts.

Mick'd seen him twisted up over business and twisted up over personal shit, but he's never seen him let both get twisted up like he had since that fuckin' weasel Boomer'd got his ass handed to him and Rio'd gotten curious about it.

—

as the world turns, the blunt burns

I pull this every time I have to pick a fav and I can’t even really explain it aside from I think I’m really, really funny and that’s enough

Beth suddenly sobers as much as she can when she feels like she's simultaneously floating away and sinking into the Earth and wipes her eyes. "Are you gonna get in trouble?"

"You're in the house, ain't you?" He's answering Beth but looking at Rio.

"Mick," Beth frantically tugs at his pant leg because apparently, he doesn't have all of the information. "We're in the yard."

"Yeah, Mick," Rio says, glaring. "You're in the yard."

Mick shrugs, and Beth realizes he isn't scared of Rio at all. That's a neat trick. How does he do that? Maybe he can teach her.

—

smoke, fire, it’s all going up

there are realistically many other better lines in this fic but this one never fails to make me laugh so it remains my fav.

"You- you-" She sputters at him, flailing around a little. "You were the one that started mailing me pieces of a dead body."

"You blocked my number." Rio snarls, which is not what he'd meant to say, and he hates that she trips him up.

"That is not a proportionate response!"

—

got a kiss (with your name on it)

it was this or the text exchange at the beginning of the fic bc I strongly believe established relationship brio would continually roast each other for their past dumbassery but the elizabeth kink won out

"Come here," Rio's voice is thick but insistent in a way that brings every cell of Beth's body to attention. She hooks her thumb over her bottom teeth and drags her lower lip a little, a gesture full of who me mock innocence, waiting for him to say-

"Elizabeth." There it is.

There's an endless amount of things that Beth finds ferociously, irresistibly sexy about Rio, but when he says her full name in that commanding tone? Even if she's pissed the fuck off and has no intention of doing what he wants, it gives her goosebumps.

—

say it’s all in my head (i remember what you said)

I will be real with y’all, I forget I wrote this fic a lot of the time hahahaha but! that means every time I’m reminded I go back and am like oh yeah! I like this! anyway there isn’t like, one specific but I really love most as much as I really like the tentative breathless nervousness and then also overwhelming so muchness and I like how this but captures both of those

For a single, breathless moment, she stands in the middle of the room, alone and terrified.

Then Rio wets his lips and comes towards her, moving with that languid grace she's never been able to look away from even before she had any idea why that could be.

All of the fear collapses like a dying star, sending a supernova of relief and molten heat zinging through her from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. Her head swims, and every cell in her body feels like it's leaning towards him- like she's made of magnets on a molecular level and he's the lodestone.

He gently pushes her bangs off of her forehead, slowly running his fingertip down the side of her face, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. He tilts his head towards hers and stops, going no further than halfway, leaving it up to her to close the distance.

She lets her eyes fall shut as she leans into him and tentatively touches her mouth to his for the first time.

—

the world is on fire (and no one can save me) / what a wicked game you played (to make me feel this way)

two for one!!! idk if either of these is my number one favorite line from either fic individually but I really like how they both play together. I like writing beth and rio pov and having them mirror each other’s narration both in thought and structure a lot bc I like thinking of them as two versions of the same

Beth checks her phone, nothing from Rhea, and sends a quick I'm here, text me when you're close, and I'll grab a table before wetting a paper towel and wiping away the last of her smeared mascara. With precise, brisk movements, she snaps open her bag and fishes out her compact, her lipstick, and her mascara; lining them up click, click, click on the tiny shelf below the mirror.

She can live with this; she has to live like this; she will live like this.

She flips open the compact and methodically dabs away the flush and pallor and shadows that are not grief, are not loss, are not anything other than shock and horror that she'd gone so far, that she'd lost control, that she'd killed a man (that man).

and

So what the fuck had he been doin' with Elizabeth fuckin' Boland, giving her chance after chance to cross the line? What the fuck was the point of a line if it might as well not be there at all? All because he liked her big blue eyes and the way she worked a tight sweater? Nah, that ain't him. That can't be him. That's the kind of shit that'll get you killed, and he's got three spent bullets in his pocket and a scar next to his heart if he ever needs the reminder again. 

He shifts in the driver's seat, reaching into his pocket and fishing the bullets out. Lining them up on the dashboard with a definitive click, click, click. He looks past them to the brightly lit valet station. He's been parked in the back of the lot for ten minutes now, waiting for Rhea to give him the go sign. He ain't hiding, doesn't need to, Elizabeth ain't lookin' for him, he just wants to make sure he sees her before she sees him. Get a good look first, so he can size up the situation.

[bratz-kitten]

can placements indicate more or less depth to a person? what do u think of the statement that the signs aries - virgo are “shallow” in comparison to libra - pisces ?

i don’t like that..... i don’t like deciding that someone has less or more depth, complexity and is more “interesting” through their birth chart. as someone who has seven planets concentrated on the last 3 houses, which is supposed to mean i’m more focused on expanding the soul rather than my ego, does that really make me more than those who have their planets concentrated on, say, their first houses? 

i don’t know if you believe in past lifes and reeincarnation, but i do, and i do believe a lot that our soul goes through a journey where we get to experience everything that there is to experience. when i look at the charts of the people i know, those with their planets concentrated on their first 6 houses are always the ones to dislike astrology and introspection because they’re much more focused on achieving, on working their way through life, on taking in all the experiences they can. those with their planets concentrated on the last 6 houses are the ones where astrology, therapy, shadow work are most important to them (especially 12th placements, because those need a lot of isolation in order to recharge and do self-introspection), but i don’t know whether learning mostly through interacting with the world that surrounds you or the world in your head is the most “complex”, they’re just... different. we’re all different and trauma catches us all i guess, we just all have different ways of coping with and learning from it. plus, every planet, house, sign and aspect is responsible for different parts of our interaction with the world and ourselves - it’s especially seen in the contrast between the 4th house and the 9th house, where the 4th house is all about our inner world, childhood trauma, the wisdom we gain from our experiences vs. the 9th house which is where we seek higher knowledge, where we leave our roots and our journey of the self to look up at the sky and wonder what the fuck is up with the universe, it’s the search for universal truths and what connects us all with each other, what we’re doing here. the 3rd house too, which rules communication, the way we interact with our immediate surroundings, our adaptability to them, the analysis and learning process. obviously the 8th house and how we search for the taboo, the learning of the occult and spirituality, our deepest traumas and our relationship with sex and death and how it affects us on the daily. and of course the 12th house, the fucking pain in the ass of it all, the one that makes us deal with our unconscious, our need for recharging, isolation and self-introspection, our need to escape the physical world into our inner realm, the way we cope when the outside gets too hard, our unconscious traumas, the way we feel and absorb others’ energies, etc. this to say, every house and every sign and every planet and every aspect deals with different parts of ourselves even if they’re all equally important. you don’t need to worry if you’re “deep” enough or not lmfao, to either feel insecure or get your ego boosted because of having a chart with stereotypically shallow or deep placements, we’re all just different idiots experiencing life altogether 

[tchallasbabymama]

All For Us Chapter 9

Hey y’all, thanks for being patient with me on this one, but it’s finally done! Not to be the bearer of bad news or anything, but there’s only one chapter left (and maybe an epilogue) on our journey with Mira, Erik, and Cupcake. If you’re just here for Killmonger, I have a couple Erik oneshots heading y’all’s way in the next few weeks. Also, check out The Temple. 😉

As always, don’t forget to look at my masterlist to read my other stories and oneshots, and let me know if you want to be tagged in anything. Like, comment, and reblog away! 🥰

CW: a little smut

Word Count: 6,481

Erik’s eyes flew open as he bolted upright through the sand that covered his body in his temporary grave. He was in the heart of the temple where the Black Panther ceremony took place, the City of the Dead. The lost prince pulled himself from the sand and brushed the clay-colored sediment from around his eyes as he climbed the stone staircase leading up into the garden of the heart-shaped herb. When he made it to the top, Erik took a deep breath before stepping into the garden. To his surprise, nothing caught on fire like in his previous dreams. His shoulders relaxed as he took another step into the garden, and another, and another until he was face to face with Bast’s statue. A smile took over his face as he knelt at her feet.

“Took you long enough, Jaguar.”

Erik lifted his head, and her celestial glow nearly blinded him as he laid his eyes on the panther goddess once more.

“Long enough for what?”

“For your senses to come back, obviously.” Bast circled him and laid down, licking her paw. “Pretty soon, you won’t have to be asleep to talk to me.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“Oh, I had nothing to do with it.”

Erik turned to face her and sat back on his heels.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I never took them away. You did.”

“I’m not following.”

“Your guilt blocked your senses, Erik,” she sighed. “You had been holding onto pieces of it, but you finally let it go.”

“I felt guilty for ruining our marriage,” Erik mused aloud.

“But you didn’t, so congratulations,” she said nonchalantly. “That’s not why you’re here, though.”

“Ok, what’s up?”

Bast chuckled at his informality.

“Last time we spoke, I said I would need you to do something for me. I’ve finally made up my mind as to what that is.”

Erik sat with bated breath as he waited for his assignment. For a moment, he was reminded of his military and mercenary days, except this time, he was being given a mission from a goddess. His goddess.

“As you know, Wakanda has never had a Golden Jaguar before. You are an anomaly, but that is a good thing.” She stood up and started walking, making him rush to his feet to follow after her.

“It is?”

“Yes. You know, the good thing about cycles is that with destruction comes rebirth…change. You’ve forced Wakanda to change, and you’ve forced me to think some things over. Truthfully, after the little stunt you almost pulled, I did think about removing your powers. I don’t need to preach about it, though, since you already know all about your wrongdoings, but I heard what you said about your people. We have neglected them, and for that, I have no words of apology that would adequately ease your pain. The Lost Tribe, as my people have come to call you, needs a champion. Wakanda already has theirs, but since you seem to rather enjoy toying with colonizers, I have an assignment for you.”

Erik’s ears were trained on Bast as he hung on every word she said. He walked next to her as they made their way through the catacombs towards the temple’s entrance.

“Before you came to Wakanda, you were involved with Klaue and his hunt for vibranium. Your vast knowledge of African and diasporic artifacts combined with your training makes a great equation for what I need you to do.”

“Which is?”

“I want you to act as the Golden Jaguar on the Lost Tribe’s behalf. I recognize that as just one person, you can only do so much, which is why I will talk to T’Challa about you heading his Wardog program. I would like for you to have an army of spies at your disposal to act instead of just watch and report as they have done in the past.”

“So basically what I wanted to do before but without the world domination?”

“Precisely,” Bast chuckled and stopped walking at the door to the temple.

“Ok,” Erik thought on it as a smile crept up his cheeks. “I’ll do it.”

“I knew you would. I think you’ll like my first assignment. Well, second. First, you need to stop avoiding the City of the Dead in your waking life. You need to go visit the garden.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Erik said, his nerves twisting in his gut at the thought of actually stepping back onto the sacred land.

“Now, my second assignment: artifact reclamation. Instead of searching for vibranium, which you might find, I want you to return items to their rightful owners.”

“So, stealing,” Erik deadpanned.

“Yes, but for a good cause. I will let you work out the details, but the point is to return the power to the people by building them back up, brick by brick. They were separated from their gods, so the Ancestors and the Orishas are working on bringing them back to us spiritually. They are still working on getting other spirits and pantheons on board...alas, my brother and sisters are choosing to take a more passive approach.” She sighed. “The Lost Tribe was taken from the land, so T’Challa has already spearheaded initiatives to build up other African countries that need his assistance and bring the Lost home to the continent. Now, I need you to bring our belongings home. Our thrones, our art, our history. Take it back. Bring it back to its rightful place.”

“I’m with it, but, um...how am I supposed to do this without getting caught? If shit just starts disappearing en masse, somebody’s gonna notice.”

“They won’t disappear. The colonizers won’t even know they’re gone.” Bast flicked her tail mischievously. “Your wife designs kimoyo beads, does she not?”

“Well, yeah-”

“And your cousins are scientific geniuses, correct?”

“Yes…”

“Then I’m sure that between all of your big beautiful brains, you can figure out a way to make replicas of the artifacts.”

“Why does that compliment feel like an insult?”

“I like you, Jaguar,” The goddess chuckled. “Now go enjoy your time with your wife.” She winked at Erik as she nudged him out into the brightness shining from outside the wide-open temple doors. Erik returned to consciousness, and he was shocked by the feeling of Mira’s mouth traveling up and down his shaft.

“Fuck, girl. This how you waking Big Daddy up now?”

She popped her head off his tip, and he groaned at the sight of a bridge of spit still connecting her to him.

“Good morning, baby.”

“Mmmm, good morning to you, too,” he grabbed her loose curls that she had forgotten to tie up the night before. The silk sheets kept her hair soft and bouncy as her hair spilled over his fist while it rested at the back of her head. He pulled her in for a kiss, and then she went right back to taking him down her throat. “You’re gonna make me nut all down that throat, Princess.”

Mira’s hand cupped and massaged his ballsack while she sucked on his bulbous head. Her tongue swirled around the tip, and her other hand traveled up and down his length, making his toes curl.

“Fuuuuck, you remember just what Big Daddy likes. Imma bust a fat ass nut, girl,” Erik groaned through gritted teeth. Mira giggled at her control over him and continued to work his dick. Her nose reached his pelvis as she took him down her throat, and he came with such force that she almost choked. Almost.

When she pulled off of him, she tongue-kissed his tip before sitting back on her haunches and wiping her mouth. “How’d you sleep?”

Erik let out a breathy laugh, “Like the dead.”

“Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t feel me moving. You were out cold.”

“That’s because I was talking to Bast.”

“What’d she say this time?”

Erik sat up against the headboard and motioned for her to come to him. Mira crawled up his body and straddled him, sliding down on his dick so that they were connected as deep as they could be. They had always been like this; whenever they needed to have a serious conversation, Erik would set her in his lap and have her take all of him. They both reveled in the connection they had in that moment, and even in their stillness, their united bodies responded to each other as the words fell from his lips.

“She wants me to be the Golden Jaguar officially,” he said as he kissed down from Mira’s ear to her shoulder.

“What does that mean?” Mira asked, barely above a whisper.

“She wants me to be a champion for us, the Lost Tribe. Wakandans have T, so I’ll be protecting the rest of us with the Wardogs.”

“How, though? That’s so many people.”

He came up from kissing between her breasts to look her in the eyes. “Well, remember how I told you about the museum heist to get the vibranium?”

Mira nodded.

“She wants me to steal artifacts from museums and shit and return them to where they were stolen from.”

“That sounds right up your alley,” Mira snarked, and he tickled her sides, making her pussy clench around him, and he let out a groan at the feeling. He grabbed her hips and moved them back and forth.

“It is. I can’t do anything until I visit the garden of the heart-shaped herb, though.”

“Why?” she moaned.

“I’ve been avoiding it,” he sighed.

Mira pulled him into a kiss and cycloned her hips as she wound on him. “Do you need to go alone, or do you want me to come with you?”

He connected their foreheads as he pushed his hips forward into her, and she called out his name.

“I need to go alone.”

Their hips ground into each other as the sexual energy inside them built up slowly and erupted through their bodies. Erik placed kisses all over Mira’s face and neck as she caught her breath from the intensity of her orgasm.

“How about I make breakfast?” Erik asked, and Mira simply nodded and kissed him. She moved to get up, but he held her down. “Nah, I didn’t say right now.”

After another round, the two of them separated from each other, if only because of the rumbling of their bellies. They showered together, and Erik couldn’t help himself from bending her over and eating her pussy and ass from the back. Pretty soon, he was balls deep inside her again, and when he came all over her cheeks, he about keeled over from the way the orgasm shook through his body.

“Aight, I need a break,” Erik said, and the two of them shared a laugh as they finished their shower without any more funny business.

“Can I have one of your t-shirts?” Mira asked as they slathered themselves in shea butter.

“You can have anything you want, Princess. MIT or Navy?”

“MIT please,” she cheesed at him.

“Coming right up.”

Erik left the room and returned with his maroon-colored MIT t-shirt. The same one she wore the first time she stayed over at his apartment back in the day. He knew it was her favorite and the look on her face when he handed it to her was priceless. She quickly shimmied into it while he slid on a pair of sweatpants that left little to the imagination.

The two of them relocated to the kitchen, and Mira toyed around with her latest kimoyo design on her tablet while Erik got to work on breakfast.

“That a new one?” he asked, nodding towards the design hovering over the counter.

“Yeah, I haven’t gotten it to work right, though,” she grumbled as she stared at it. “I want it to be able to apply cloaking tech to whatever it touches, but so far, I can only get the bead to disappear.”

Erik listened to her complain about her failed design for a little while, and when she was done, she turned off the tablet and hopped up on the counter.

“Anything I can do?” Mira asked

“Mhm,” he came over and stood between her legs, placing a sloppy kiss on her lips. “Just sit there looking fine as hell.”

“I’m serious,” she smiled.

“So am I,” he said incredulously with a hand over his heart, making her chuckle at his dramatics.

“Fine, I’ll be your muse.”

“And my guinea pig. Here, try this.”

Erik lifted the spoon to her lips so she could taste the yam hash he had been working on, and her eyes bugged out of her head.

“I forgot you turn into Top Chef after sex.”

“Gotta feed my woman,” he kissed her cheek and cracked a couple of eggs sunny-side up in the skillet.

Mira giggled, and an idea struck her. She reached back for her tablet again and pulled up her latest work in progress, a story about a decades-long whirlwind romance that she had gotten stuck on. All she needed was a little inspiration, and Erik ended up being just what she needed.

He watched his wife type away with a smile on his face. Erik loved watching her work; the look of determination on her face was always so endearing to him. She’d bite her lip and squint her eyes as she tried her best to focus on the task at hand. Erik always thought it was adorable.

The smell of fresh vegetables coming in contact with hot oil filled the air, and Mira’s mouth started to water. She looked up from her work to see what Erik was doing but got distracted by his body. She watched his sinewy muscles moving beneath his textured skin, and a chill went down her spine.

“What the fuck is that?” Erik sniffed the air, following the sweet scent that had just wafted from out of nowhere.

“What’s what?” Mira asked, swinging her legs back and forth.

He turned to face her, and his pupils blew wide as the smell hit him again.

“It’s you,” he turned off the burner and stalked over to her, standing between her legs again and placing his nose in the crook of her neck. He inhaled her scent and let out a growl.

“What is that?”

“My bodywash?”

“Nah, it’s you. What-” he cut himself off when it dawned on him. When he was king for a day, he only smelled fear from those around him. Fear smelled like decay, it smelled rotten, but this was the exact opposite. It was enticing, like the most beautiful forbidden garden, and Erik knew exactly what it was. Her arousal. He bit into her neck, making her moan out as he ground his hips into hers. The aroma grew, and Erik’s composure slipped away the more he inhaled it.

“E-erik, the food.”

He took a deep breath as he stood to his full height. “I can smell when you want me.”

“What?!”

“I wonder if it’s different for every person...shit, I wonder if I can smell other people. I hope not-”

“What are you saying? You can tell when I’m horny?”

“I guess so. I only smelled fear before, but it makes sense. I’m just caught off guard because it hit me out of nowhere, like last night.”

“What happened last night?”

“I could hear your heartbeat.”

Mira’s face lit up, “That’s good, though, right? It means your senses are coming back!”

“Yeah, I’m just surprised by that one. I wasn’t expecting all that,” he laughed.

“So...I smell good?”

“You don’t know how good, Princess,” he grumbled as he finished cooking. Mira crossed her legs, making him chuckle. “That’s not helping. It’s all over you.”

“Damn...what else can you do?”

“I need to test out my strength and speed, but my sight was different, too. Everything was brighter, more vibrant. And my brain moved faster...I don’t know how to explain it. Bast said my guilt was the blockage, so they’ll probably slowly come back over time. After they’re back, I’m supposed to start on my mission.”

“You still felt guilty?”

“I thought I broke us. I mean, I did, but I felt like it was unfixable, you know?”

Mira nodded, “Yeah, it felt like that sometimes.”

Erik pulled the dishes out of the cabinet and set them down next to her.

“Mira, I’m-”

“Erik, if you say you’re sorry one more time, so help me, Bast,” Mira said, making a dimpled smile appear on Erik’s face.

“Yes, ma’am.”

They fell into a comfortable silence while Erik plated the food, and when he handed Mira hers, he left a kiss on her cheek. She smiled and hopped down from the counter to sit at the table. When she sat down, she couldn’t help but stare at Erik as he walked over. Her man, her formerly violent man was really chosen by a goddess to protect Black people around the globe.

He noticed the look on her face and couldn’t quite place it. “What?”

“Nothing, just...look at you, doing the work of gods now.”

“I bet you never thought you’d say that about your mercenary husband,” Erik winked at her.

“Sure didn’t,” Mira laughed, “but it fits. You always had it in you. You know, I’m glad I came out here. I wouldn’t get to see this new side of you otherwise, and so far, I like it.”

--------

A couple of hours later, Erik found himself in front of the City of the Dead with his palms sweating and his breath shaking. He wasn’t sure why the temple unnerved him so much, but it did. Erik knew he had to do what Bast told him, though, and took a step forward. He climbed the stairs to the ornate stone doors and waited as they slowly opened for him. Erik was met with the sight of a surprisingly calm woman in purple robes. He recognized her as the woman he had choked out, the new head priestess.

“My prince,” she saluted him. “Welcome. I have been expecting you.”

“You have?”

“Of course. Come in.”

He hesitantly stepped forward again and entered the temple. A chill went down his spine as the doors shut behind them, and he looked around the space. He had only been there once before in his waking life, but this time it felt different. It probably had something to do with the fact that she wasn’t scared of him this time around.

“What’s your name?” he asked nervously.

“I am Zaya, my prince.”

“You don’t have to do the whole ‘my prince’ thing. Especially since I...you know.”

“Yes, I remember.”

“I’m sorry about that. I should’ve never put my hands on you.”

“I have spoken to Bast about it, and I forgive you. Just don’t let it happen again,” she warned.

Erik put his hands up in defense, “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good. Now, you are here to see the herb, no?” She started walking, and he followed behind her.

“How’d you know?”

“I spoke to Bast, remember?” She quipped with an eyebrow raised.

“Heh, yeah,” he chuckled nervously and cleared his throat. “I don’t know why I’m so anxious.”

“I assume that is a normal reaction when reckoning with your past.”

The two of them traveled deeper into the temple, and when they reached the door that led to the garden of the heart-shaped herb, he froze. Zaya looked back when she no longer heard his footsteps and smiled warmly, reaching out her hand to him. He took it, and she led him through the doors. Erik almost wanted to close his eyes, but he knew he had to face his past actions head-on.

He looked around, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw there were dozens of tiny glowing purple buds just begging to become full-grown flowers. He laughed in disbelief at what he was seeing. He had burnt the garden to ashes, but now here it was, thriving in spite of him.

“It took us a while to get them to grow again, but thankfully we were able to put out the fire before the roots were harmed,” Zaya spoke as he wandered through the garden in awe.

“And these...they still work?”

“The princess took a sample and tested it in her lab. According to her, this new batch might be a little different, but they should still work. Bast has given them her blessing, so that is enough for me.”

“So, I didn’t ruin Wakanda’s future like I thought...”

“No, just a bump in the road,” she smiled.

Just as he was about to respond, the strangest thing happened. His eyes were trained on one of the buds, and suddenly he could see every little vein in the leaves and the detail of the curled-up petals. The color became brighter and even more purple than most people could comprehend, and a tear rolled down his cheek as he smiled.

He could see again.

“Are you ok?” Zaya asked tentatively.

Erik cleared his throat, “Yeah, I’m good. It’s just my senses are coming back, and...they’re beautiful.”

“And resilient.”

He laughed and wiped the tear from his face.

“How about I give you some time alone?”

“Thanks, Zaya, that’d be great.”

She bowed her head in deference and went back the way they came. When she was gone, Erik let out a sigh as he took in the sight before him.

“They really made it…”

“Of course, they did. Did you think I would leave my people defenseless?” Bast’s silky voice rang out through the temple, and he turned around to see her standing there in her mostly-human form. She was a statuesque and curvaceous woman with the head of a panther and locs that spilled over her ebony shoulders. Erik dropped to his knees as she walked towards him. “No need for all of that. Stand up, Jaguar.”

He laid eyes on her once more as he rose from the ground. Her glow was almost blinding, but his eyes adjusted quickly.

“I can’t believe I’m seeing you in person.”

“Get used to it. I like to pop in on my champions every now and again. Sometimes in dreams, sometimes in your thoughts, and sometimes in person. It all depends.”

“On what?”

“On you and what you need, or what I need from you.”

“Ok, so what do you need from me?”

Bast chuckled. “Truthfully, nothing this time. I just needed to see you face-to-face.”

“You don’t have an assignment for me?”

“Not yet. I know how much you enjoy the sanctuary, so I’ll let you stay there a little whille longer. Plus, you are just now mending your marriage and need time to spend with your wife and child before I call you away.”

“How much time?”

“Enough,” she winked.

“You’re so cryptic,” Erik chuckled.

“Yes, your cousin thinks so, too. However, I prefer ‘mysterious.’”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he smirked.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you long,” she sighed. “You have some party planning to do. They grow up fast, don’t they?”

“Especially when you miss a couple of years,” he murmured.

“Which is why I’m giving you at least a year before I call on you. Make good use of it, Erik.”

“Yes, ma’am, I will.”

“Good. Oh, and one more thing, Erik.”

“Yeah?”

“Try running back to the palace,” she winked again as she shimmered away, leaving him alone in the temple.

Erik tried to contain himself as he left the garden and ran into Zaya.

“Was your ‘alone’ time fruitful?” she asked knowingly.

All he could do was beam at her with his megawatt dimpled smile.

“Very.”

Erik said goodbye and ran back through the forest to the city, his heart beating out of his chest in excitement. His superhuman speed carried him back in no time as the wind whipped against his body. A smile was plastered on his face the whole time, even when he slowed down as he reached the outskirts of Birnin Zana. He hurried to the palace as inconspicuously as he could and happened to run into Mira just as she was leaving. When she saw the look on his face, she couldn’t help the grin that took over hers.

“So, how did- Erik!” She squealed as he picked her up and twirled her around with barely any effort.

“They’re back!”

“Your powers?”

“Well, yeah, but the heart shaped herb is coming back!” he peppered kisses all over her face and neck while she giggled. “You’re more beautiful than I ever imagined you could be.”

“So I take it your vision came back, and you’re super strong again?”

“And fast. I ran here in like twenty minutes.”

“From the CIty of the Dead?!”

“Mhm,” he nodded as he set her back on the ground.

“Damn, baby, that’s...that’s amazing.”

“I need to test them out some more, so I’m gonna see if T has some time to spar. You going to the lab?”

“Shopping, actually. Okoye and Ayo took Imani so I could get some last-minute party stuff.”

“Need someone to carry your bags?”

“Oh, hell yeah. Especially since you got that jaguar strength again.”

“Lead the way, beautiful.”

--------

Early that Saturday morning, as the sun crested over the trees, Mira and Erik stood on the tarmac watching as the Royal Talon descended from the sky. Mira was almost shaking with excitement as the doors opened and T’Challa stepped out, followed by some of her favorite people in the whole world.

“Titi!”

SJ ran down the ramp past the king and flung himself into his auntie’s arms. She held him tight and rocked him from side to side as Stef and Ana approached, with Daveed teetering between the two of them.

She looked up at them and gasped, “Oh my god, he can walk now? How long have I been gone?”

“Girl, too long,” Havana complained as she wrapped her arms around her sister-in-law.

Stefan was next to greet her, and his eyes stayed glued to Erik the whole time as he enveloped his sister in a bear hug, “We missed you, Sammy.”

“No, you miss my cooking,” she laughed as she crouched down to say hi to her littlest nephew.

“You remember Titi Mira?” Ana asked him, and he shook his head, hiding behind his dad’s leg.

“That’s ok, we can get to know each other while you’re here,” Mira smiled at him and stood back up.

“Who are you?” SJ asked when he finally noticed the man standing behind his aunt.

“SJ, this is your Uncle Erik. You might not remember him but-“

He thought about it for a moment before it dawned on him. “Do you still have all those bumps on you?”

Stefan tried to hold in his snickering, and Havana hit him in his chest.

“Uh, yeah, I do.”

“That’s so cool!”

“Heh, thanks, lil man.”

“So, brother in law…It’s good to see you,” Stef deadpanned. He was clearly not feeling Erik anymore.

“You, too, man,” Erik went to dap him up, and he stared at his hand in contempt.

“Stefan, behave,” Havana said with a roll of her eyes. “Hi Erik, how are you?”

“Much better since I’ve been here.”

“Good, good…”

T’Challa had been standing to the side while the family reunited but decided to intervene when things got awkward.

“Stefan, Havana, let us show you to your quarters.”

“Oooh, our ‘quarters,’” Ana sang excitedly. “Sounds so fancy.”

“It’s a palace, Ana. Of course it’s fancy,” Stef grumbled.

She cut her eyes at him. “Don’t act out in front of company.”

Mira chuckled. She hadn’t realized how much she missed hearing their playful bickering.

As they made their way through the place, Stef and Ana stared slack-jawed at their surroundings while SJ ran ahead of the group.

“You live here?” Ana asked.

“Mhm. It’s gorgeous, right?!” Mira bragged.

“That’s not even the word…”

T’Challa smirked as he listened to them compliment his home.

“So, where’s the birthday girl?” Stefan asked.

“She is with my mother and Ororo.”

“Ororo?” Stef stopped in his tracks. “Munroe?!”

“The one and only,” T’Challa grinned proudly.

“Holy shit…”

“Language,” Havana chided her husband as she covered SJ’s ears.

“What is it with these men and cursing around children?” Mira shook her head at her brother.

“Girl, I don’t know, but let’s get back to Storm. How’d y’all meet?”

“She’s his girlfriend,” Erik nodded towards his cousin.

“Dang, how’d you get her? I mean, I know you’re a king and all, but- Wait, are you a mutant, too?” Stef asked.

T’Challa and Mira made eye contact, and she nodded for him to continue. They were family and would most likely be seeing a lot of Wakanda, so they’d find out eventually.

“I am enhanced, yes.”

“Like Steve Rogers?” SJ chimed in excitedly from a few feet ahead.

“He wishes,” T’Challa complained under his breath as they stopped in front of the door across from Erik and Mira. Both of them chuckled at the king’s arrogance.

“So...you’re enhanced. Why, though?” Stef asked.

They entered the suite, and the interrogation was cut short when the Greenwoods saw how beautiful their temporary home was.

“Holy shit…” Ana mused as she covered SJ’s ears.

Mira gave them a quick tour while T’Challa and Erik hung back in the living area.

“So, you and Stefan-”

“He never liked me, and I made things worse by disappearing,” he shrugged.

T’Challa nodded as he changed into his suit.

“Oh, so you’re coming all the way out?”

“They will find out eventually, so I might as well get it over with.”

Erik nodded as Mira rounded the corner and saw T’Challa in his suit. She smirked and called SJ. He ran back into the room and froze when he saw Black Panther standing there next to his uncle. Ana was next to round the corner and looked at her son questioningly before she looked up and saw what he was staring at with his mouth open.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said with a hand on her hip.

“About what?” Stef came next, and T’Challa’s mask disappeared into his necklace. “This place is insane.”

SJ couldn’t move. He was looking at his favorite hero in the entire world, right there in the place he’d call home for the next week. His mind could barely wrap around what he was seeing, and he couldn’t process his emotions. Tears started flowing down his face, and a sob wracked his body.

“Hey, hey. It’s ok, baby,” Ana crouched down and wiped his tears as Stef came over with Daveed on his hip.

“You’re not excited to see Black Panther?” He asked his eldest son.

SJ shook his head, and T’Challa deflated. Erik kept his snickering to himself, but Mira shot him a look anyway.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset him.”

“He’s just in shock. It’ll wear off eventually,” Ana said as she brushed SJ’s locs out of his face.

————

It took way longer to wear off than they thought, and by the time they arrived at the party venue in the palace’s botanical gardens that afternoon, he still hadn’t said a word. T’Challa tried to speak to him a couple of times, but he shied away behind Mira or his parents. Eventually, Erik convinced him to give the kid some space and pulled the dejected king away to the other side of the garden. While the other kids and their parents arrived, SJ kept looking at T’Challa out of the corner of his eye.

“You know, he doesn’t bite...or scratch,” Mira leaned in and said to her nephew as she sat down next to him at the kid’s table. “In fact, he’s pretty cool once you get to know him.”

“Does Imani know?” he spoke up for the first time in hours, and Mira was happy to hear his voice again.

“Oh, yeah. He told us when we got here, but it’s a secret so she pinky promised not to tell. You know, I screamed when I saw him.”

“You did?!”

“Mhm. He really needs to learn how to ease people into it, huh?” she asked as she poked at his side, making him giggle. Stef and Ana watched from a few yards away and smiled with him while they kept a watchful eye on Daveed as he waddled around the flowers.

SJ nodded in response, and Mira kissed his temple before getting up and leaving him to ponder her words. Right when he had worked up the courage to speak to his hero, Erik announced that Imani was on her way with Ororo and Ramonda.

“I can’t wait to see my baby girl!” Ana squealed.

Mira excitedly grabbed Erik’s hand, and he kissed her knuckles, making Stef narrow his eyes as he and his family hid behind a mango tree.

Imani appeared with her auntie and future cousin, and T’Challa recorded as she squealed excitedly at seeing everybody. A’Kidi, Kofi, Sanaa, A’Sami, Ade, and all her other friends from school greeted her with a loud “Happy birthday!” The newly five-year-old’s tunnel vision made her almost ignore her parents and other adults completely until Erik picked her up and gave her a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

“Happy birthday, Cupcake!”

“We have a surprise for you,” Mira sang.

“What is it?” Imani asked excitedly.

Erik set her down and turned her around as Mira motioned for her family to reveal themselves. SJ ran out from behind the tree and nearly tackled his cousin to the ground while her aunt, uncle, and baby cousin took a calmer approach.

“There’s the birthday girl!” Stef exclaimed while his eldest son continued to squeeze her tight. SJ let her go, and she ran into her uncle’s arms. Ana crouched down next to him, and Imani threw her arms around her neck.

“We’ve missed you so much!” Ana said as she fought tears.

“I missed you too. Wakanda is so cool! I can’t wait to show you everything,” Imani babbled.

“Did you know about Black Panther?” SJ asked, still a little nervous about meeting his hero.

Imani nodded, “I promised to keep it a secret, or I would’ve told you. It’s so cool, right?”

SJ nodded, and Imani dragged him off to meet her friends.

Erik couldn’t keep the smile off his face if he tried as he watched his little social butterfly play with her friends and cousin. It wasn’t until Mira came up and nudged him that he even realized he was staring.

“You ok?” she asked.

“Hm? Yeah, I’m fine,” he said as he put his arm around her and kissed her temple. “Just reliving some things.”

Mira looked at him curiously and he continued, “One of the few good memories I have from childhood that we talked about in therapy was my seventh birthday party. This kind of reminds me of that.”

Mira smiled as they stood there and watched Shuri, Ororo, and T’Challa play with the kids. The king regaled them with stories of his adventures, and Shuri let them ride on very slow hoverbikes while Ororo harnessed the wind to lift them up and let them fly a couple of feet off of the ground. The kids were having a ball, and their parents seemed to enjoy themselves as well. Okoye, M’Baku, and a couple other people gravitated towards each other and fell into conversation about being single parents. However, the rest of them spent most of their time ogling the royal family.

Eventually, it was time to eat and the parents were able to corral the kids into sitting down at the table. After stuffing their faces with an array of Imani’s favorite foods, Mira led the “happy birthday” song as she and Ayo carried out a huge Doc McStuffins birthday cake. Imani and SJ were the only kids who knew who she was, but everyone enjoyed the cake nonetheless. Erik couldn’t help the tear that almost came to his eye as he listened to his wife sing to their daughter, just like his mother had done to him. Loudly and slightly off key. Next, Shuri led the group in a Wakandan birthday song, and Imani blew out the huge number five candle in the center of the cake.

Mira kept stealing glances at Erik as he sliced it up and handed out pieces to everyone. He looked so happy. Even when one of the kids tripped and got icing all over his pants leg, he just kept on smiling.

Even Stef noticed the change in his brother-in-law’s demeanor and brought it up to Ana, “He smiles too much now. It’s weird.”

“It’s weird that he’s happy?”

“No, it’s just weird to see. He used to be so…”

“Surly and unapproachable.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Maybe you should get to know him?”

“Hmph,” he grunted in response. Ana decided to leave it alone for the time being and left his side to go talk to Erik.

“You think you can handle the sleepover?” she asked him.

“Thank Bast it’s not all of them.”

“It’s not?”

“Hell no, just her little crew,” he pointed to A’Kidi, Kofi, Sanaa, A’Sami, and Ade. “I’m not taking care of all these kids.”

Ana laughed, “Understood.”

“So...your husband still doesn’t like me, huh?”

“Can you blame him?” Ana deadpanned.

“Nah, I’d be the same way in his shoes.”

“He’ll come around eventually...maybe,” she said as she placed a comforting hand on his arm before being pulled away by her son to watch the Black Panther and Storm show off their powers some more. SJ still couldn’t bring himself to speak to T’Challa, but it was a start.

As the party wound down and most of Imani’s classmates went home, the few that stuck around relocated inside to the Stevens’ suite in the palace. Even with a handful of screaming children in his home, Erik was on cloud nine. He loved to see a smile on his Cupcake’s face, and he wondered if he looked that happy when he was a kid. He concluded he probably did, and as the kids watched an animated movie, he and Mira curled up on the couch behind them. While the rugrats were distracted, he pulled her chin up to plant a kiss on her lips.

“What was that for?” she smiled.

“I’ve just been thinking…”

“About what?”

“About making more good memories, you know? Some of the happiest times in my life were times just like this…and time spent with you.”

Mira looked down with a smile on her face and he brought it back up to look in her eyes.

“Marry me again.”

Her eyebrows damn near reached her hairline and a Grinch-like smile crept up her face as she nodded.

“I’d love to.” Next Chapter

Taglist: @ladymac82, @kitesatforestp, @harleycativy, @raysunshine78, @maddeningmayhem, @theblulife, @motheroffae, @love-mesome-me, @toni9, @bribrisback

[tar-oh]

Pick-A-Pile: What Your 2021 Will Be Like

This definitely took longer than I intended on it taking, and it also took some interesting turns. They don’t appear to cover the whole year, but this is what I got, so I’m assuming they’re things someone needs to hear. 3 of the piles ended up having some love message in them, so if that’s what you were looking for, yay! I do need to tell you that you need to take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. These messages are not going to be for everyone so if you find that you don’t relate, than it’s probably not for you. I can only pick up on so many stories/situations. Also, I have to point out again that these do not cover the whole year. In fact, it really seems like only a few things showed up, like a few situations. So they’re kind of a few snapshots within the year. If you do find that you’re called to more than one pile, I can say that that’s okay because a few did seem to relate/have similar cards, so there’s a chance you’re someone who has more than one message within these. I also have to add that if you liked this reading, please feel free to tip. I know I do like the bare-minimum by posting a PAP like every other month, but these do take a lot of energy and time. So, if you feel the need to tip my cashapp is  $sarams. I also can do private readings if you’re interested, just DM me. For the piles, I’m going to have you pick between outfits Beth Harmon wore in The Queen’s Gambit, since it’s one of my latest obsession's:

Pile 1:

cards: ace of swords, 8 of cups, 6 of swords, true love, banshee, cat, endurance. Okay, I'm having a hard time with this pile. There are a lot of messages here, so I think a lot of you chose this one. This is going to seem a bit scattered, I think, so bear with me. First thoughts are that in terms of love, there may be a situation where you're waiting for some sort of clarity, perhaps maybe reciprocation? 6 of Pentacles isn't here, but I get that feeling from this. Especially because the first song that played was Take Me by Aly & Aj and it's basically about someone waiting for someone to ask them out. I wouldn't pull this conclusion necessarily, but I pulled True Love for you. The thing about that card is that it's more recognizing love for yourself rather than trying to force it on others, so, I see that this is you getting fed up with waiting, and so with 8 of cups and 6 of swords, you're putting it down and walking away from the situation to pay attention to yourself. I think Endurance plays into that too, like you endured waiting for so long but then you’re just DONE. You’re seeing that you deserve reciprocation and you deserve to have someone feel for you the way you feel for them. This is one situation. I was getting a lot of messages here, so I'm trying to sum it up into general terms. Also, for some, this might not even be you moving away from something? Maybe it's someone you know moving on from a situation and you get confirmation about this - like you're intuition is saying this, but you have no hardcore facts to base it on, and you finally get it. Maybe it's a situation that leaves you. Take what resonates - but also remember, this is a 2021 prediction, and that's 12 whole months for things to happen. I feel like this is more early year energy. But, I've also found tarot readings playing out MONTHS after they've been done, so!! Who knows. It will play out differently for everyone. "You write to yourself, because your mind has become a new dead language." - Nox, Jetty Bones. Ah, so maybe it's also a matter of you just being a bit confused, and instead of getting clarity, you're searching for it. Oddly, though, this deck doesn't depict movement in these two cards. Most decks depict people moving away from something. In some versions I've seen of 6 of Swords, the person is looking back. In this version, he's stationary, standing on one leg. Well, rather, he's balancing - which that too holds a message, like you just trying to balance different things at once (think a 2 of Pentacles vibe). But his leg and arm point in the direction he's not looking. So, it's like, maybe your mind is telling you "This way, this way," but your heart is still tied to a situation. For some, this might not even be about love - maybe a job or family or dream - anything really. But, that whole bit about your mind becoming a dead language, maybe you're confused with what you're feeling and your intuition. You got the cat card from the Literary Witches Oracle, and though it has other meanings, I still connect cats to intuition. I mean, cat's intuitions are fairly spot on, right? The literary witches oracle suggests these words: the untamed, self-ownership, watching. MY OWN CAT JUST BIT THE CAT CARD. There's a message in there somewhere, and I think its just that she is RUDE. But, also, I think she's confirming my thoughts about this card for you guys: I think its telling you not to follow rules too closely. Another thing is self-ownership. I think, looking back at the 8 of cups card where he's just sitting there, I think there's a need to sit with your emotions rather than ignoring them - owning them. This is a message I get a lot for my different pick a piles on this blog. Look, it really fucking sucks to acknowledge some feelings, especially when they don't feel so good. But I find it helps to stop and ask yourself why you're feeling a certain way. So, say you're feeling jealous of someone. Stop and ask why? What does this person have that you wish you had and why? How can you obtain this in a morally just way? And if this isn't possible, is there something else you could obtain that could help these feelings fade? In a way that serves you while not hurting others? Sitting with yourself for a few minutes and looking at the emotions really helps a lot in the long run. "When did your heart break and take you the wrong way?" - Nox by Jetty Bones. I don't see it as you going the wrong way, but perhaps perceiving that you went the wrong way. You also got the banshee card. I want to preface this by saying that I had started this pick a pile almost a month ago but things got in the way and never got a chance to finish, but pile 1 for that one had the banshee card, so I think that was always a message for you. Maybe it's a call to stay vigilant. If you're feeling that you went the wrong way, but you know its anxiety, I think it's a call to take a step back. Maybe even breathe, and listen to your intuition. That can't always be easy, I know, but I think deep down (especially with this ace of swords and the 8 of cups - Also I want to note that the High Priestess was bottom deck energy), you know the way. One thing I have to say is that the Banshee is here to warn you not to let your fears or anxiety trap you into taking a path you know is not yours. With the literary witches oracle deck, I felt called to pull you another, and one of my favorite ones from the deck came out: Anna Ahkmatova, Endurance. I haven't read a lot of Anna Ahkmatova, but have always respected her deeply. She went through a lot in her lifetime, so endurance is a the best word for her card. The deck suggests these keywords: staying with pain, avoiding pain, patience. I read this as all three of those: the first is that you're carrying a pain through the year, or at least into this new year. But, I think you're going to be patient with yourself.  The 8 of Cups is similar to that of the 6 of swords in this deck, too. He’s also stationary. So, maybe going with the endurance card, you're staying with this pain, and there's that whole idea of sitting with the emotions. (Lyrics in the song that came on, Always On by DBMK, "And I'm always always on." - Overthinking things perhaps? I do suggest looking up this song, because it does feel relevant. ) I don't think this lasts long though, like it doesn’t feel like a long-term thing, but it may be a bit reoccurring, maybe a few times within this year? So, overall, I see that this next year you're bringing something painful into the new year. But, I see you enduring it. I see you deciding to chose yourself because of this painful thing. I think you're going to see the value within choosing yourself. I'm kind of getting this idea that you know that whatever wants you and whatever is for you will find you, so you're not going to be too worried. I think you're more worried about finding the why of things? It may not be an INSTANT thing, like you don’t need to know now, but you want to know eventually. I think maybe you'll be looking for answers other places. Going back to the endurance card (this feels like the BIG one for your spread, like that paired with the tarot seems to really ring loud to me), there's a firebird, which is also a phoenix basically. She's also holding a potato on the card, so maybe nourishing your soul will be a huge ass vibe for you in 2021. I think the True Love Card indicates that, same with the spiritual aspect of 8 of cups. SO, I think OVERALL 2021 is going to be BIG for your soul. Like, I think you're going to come realizations about yourself and your life and the people around you. I think there's a lot of pain that is needed to be worked through, but to be honest, I feel that most of us are going into 2021 like that, so you're not alone. I just think this past year has been especially painful. I feel heavy with your pile. Really heavy. I didn't at first, like, I saw those cards about moving away from something, and perhaps you will and you'll feel lighter. But, I feel this feeling of stagnancy...? I don't get it in literal card meanings, but that man sitting in front of the cups and the man balancing WITHIN the swords? Also, the images Anna Ahkmatova's card invokes? So, again, I must repeat that warning I got with the Banshee: Don't let your fears trap you.     I think Endurance and Cat really tell you that you can get through whatever it is. The song Let It Happen by Jimmy Eat World came on and there's a line where he sings "I can laugh it off" (which I think you can), but more than that, just the title makes me think that you're going to have to surrender whatever this is, let it happen. I mean, I think there's an act of walking away on your part, but I don't see it as forever? Like, maybe this will come back around. I said earlier that whatever wants you or is for you will find you, so I think if you walk away it will come back? Like, okay to clarify this, maybe it is a love situation. I'm not saying THIS person will come back/seek you out. That is possible, but I think its more about love finding its way to you. I know its total bullshit to say you gotta love yourself first in order to find love, like FUCK THAT SHIT. BUT, I think this pile is in need of self-love. Like, I think you need to stop and look at all that you've achieved so far, no matter how small. Also, if you're into crystals, might I suggest a classic: Rose Quartz? Very beautiful and said to help with self love! Also, Rhodochrosite. Both of them are beautiful pinks! Songs that seem relevant: Take Me - Aly & Aj (Okay, but can we talk about how this music video is awesome because it has the vibe of a 70′s b-movie with vampires and witches and stuff???) Nox - Jetty Bones Always On - DBMK Let It Happen - Jimmy Eat World Last Hope - Paramore Chase This Light - Jimmy Eat World Pile 2:

cards: 4 of swords, two of pentacles, 4 of wands, relationship, true offering, Sandra Cisneros (the body), boar, all hallows eve First off, Halloween may be significant, whether it's 2020's or 2021. Maybe it’s your favorite holiday? A birthday? Something happened? I’m not sure, but because I pulled All Hallow’s Eve for you, I just feel that there is something within that. Secondly, I think you're mostly being asked to honor your body, as in, take care of yourself. That's one HUGE message coming out. I see that in 2021 you're going to be needing to find a balance between things. This isn't to say you won't be able to, especially because I always ready the two of pentacles as being able to balance the things out, but I see that it will be a challenge. I see rest being highlighted within the body and four of swords as well. I always get that card when I need to like take a nap or go to bed, so I definitely read this in this context. Are you wearing yourself thin? Is there way to do things without tiring yourself out?? Okay, I'm also seeing something for some of you involving sex? I'm also gonna put a trigger warning for this next paragraph about sex. If you don't wish to read that, please just skip down to the next one.  I’m only putting this in because when I was reading the cards I felt triggered, and this isn’t something I normally would feel towards this, so I was feeling that this was not me at all, and that I was channeling someone else? It was really weird and something like this has only happened a few times before so it’s always a little strange when it happens. Anyway, I’ll mark the paragraph and you’re welcome to skip it. TW: Sex The body speaks about the pains and pleasures of the body and boar can talk about aggression. I think for some, this is a warning about someone who may be aggressive about sex with you? Like, maybe wanting too much or asking you to do things you don't want to do/don't feel comfortable doing. You're being asked to honor what you feel is right for your body. Bottom deck energy for the Seasons of the Witch oracle is the Owl card, so I get that you will know what's right for you in the moment. Also, please just honor yourself and try not to put up with that bullshit. I know sometimes things happen that are hard to stop - so if it’s possible to stop it or avoid it, do so. If something does happen and you end up feeling regretful, please do not put yourself down either. We all make mistakes, and also really awful shit happens to people who don’t deserve those things, too. I believe this is really only for a small portion of you. I also think there may be someone out there who is fearful that this will happen if they're vulnerable this way with someone. I think this is a message that again, follow your intuition. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and make sure you have strong boundaries. Though, another thought I just had is that this could also be about body image? Perhaps this connection will help you with that if you have issues with that. Maybe they’re going to teach you to love how you look? Like, a boost of self-confidence? So, maybe there is this element of fear of being intimate with someone, solely because you’re afraid you can’t provide what this other person needs because you’re not happy with how you look and feel about your own body, or even experience-wise. If that’s the case, I do think this is a connection that’s been brought in to help you with this. I also think that I probably should say that your fears are valid, like, I’m not saying you’re RIGHT (about your body that is), but you have a right to be afraid. I think you’re meant to work through this, but you can do this at your own pace. I don’t get bad vibes from this connection at all, and I’ll get more on this connection in a sec, but I think you need to know that I feel like you’re safe with this person. And I think you’ll feel safe, and that’s what you really need. It seems like an even pace, whatever this is. I want to add that I forgot to turn my music on, but a song is playing in my head called Analog Boy by DBMK, so maybe check it out. I think there's something in the lyrics for someone. Now onto the big message for everyone: First off I think there's going to be a relationship, either a new one or a new level within one. This can be platonic or romantic, but I’m sensing mostly romantic for most of you. I think there's going to be a lot of chemistry, but I think you two will balance each other out. Also, I see that in general, with this new relationship (or level within it), you'll have to start a balance act, like work and play kind of thing, but I think you'll be fine. I see a lot of balance within this. I think maybe for some this is going to change your life drastically enough that you’re going to find that you’re going to have to move things around to fit time in for everything, like again, that balancing work and play. Like, maybe both of your work schedules are really hectic? So, it’s like, trying to find time together and time with others and time to work and time to rest alone. But, there’s nothing within this that’s making me think you won’t be able to do so. Maybe this is something that you had trouble with last year, and so maybe this year you’re finally going to be able to work things out? The song Guilty Party by the National is playing, and there’s a line about it not being anyone’s fault. So, maybe even though this will bring balance eventually, maybe it’s going to take a bit to work things out? There’s probably another message within that song, I think. There's also a need to let go of control. I think maybe you envision an outcome for this situation (and I think you KNOW its coming, you probably feel it - maybe you’re anxious and you’re not sure why??), but I think it's more of an In The Moment Thing. A, do what you feel is right at the time. But also, not to overthink it. Allow what happens to happen. Note that this is for those who the TW is not for. The TW is a whole other matter outside of this, I think. Also thinking that is past energy, so I think (I got the song Press Restart by WALK THE MOON stuck in my head just then, so I think for sure this is past energy). In terms of the relationship that seems very healthy to me, I think you feel it on its way. So, I think there's a need to allow the universe to plot out the course for you. To guide you along. I don’t think you’re being guided into something you’re going to regret or something that will hurt. It’s going to be good. Like I think i feel a sigh of relief. I also think there’s a small amount of you who might feel like you’re not deserving of this? Like, maybe you’re like “Oh, that couldn’t be for me” even if you feel it in your soul heading towards you? Well, here I am to tell you KNOCK THAT OFF! It is for you and you do deserve it. Please be kinder to yourself this year. So, basically, long story short: You know something is coming in 2021. I think a lot of you are scared about it because I think maybe you think you're not ready, but I think you are. Oh my gosh, the song Sowing Season (yeah) by Brand New came on and YEAH you are going to sow this stuff!! All Hallow’s Eve could play into this too! Like, that whole, harvest part that comes between Halloween and winter, gathering of things - but these things are the accomplishments you’ve had as well as the good things heading towards you. I see that you, yourself, are already really grounded. And maybe you will have to figure out how to fit it into your life, but I think you'll do just fine. Also, because you got Sandra Cisneros, I do suggest reading The House On Mango Street. I read it a long time ago, but I swear its a life-changer. My ear is ringing, so I think you're being guided to anyway, so SARA SAYS SO. The bottom deck energy for the tarot deck was the Sun, so I think, all trigger warnings aside, this is going to be really good. For those that the TW applies to, I think this is a separate thing entirely from that, so I think for you guys specifically this will be really good, but for everyone, it will be good. Songs that seem relevant: analog boy - DBMK Press Restart - WALK THE MOON Mean Dreams - DBMK Guilty Party - The National Second Death in the Rabbit Hole - Jetty Bones Sowing Season (Yeah) - Brand New Pile 3:

Cards: 3 of cups, Prince of Cups, Nine of Swords, Enjoyment, Witch, Yumiko Kurahashi (transformation), Toni Morrison (power) Visitor. That's a word that came to my mind. I'm not sure what this means to you, like if you're going to be a visitor, if you'll get one, who knows! But that's a word for you guys! Maybe visiting old situations. Maybe visiting new places! Maybe visiting new habits and hobbies? I don't know, but that was something I had to tell you. So, starting with the tarot: Three of cups kind of aids this idea of a visitor, because it can mean hanging out with friends, maybe celebrating. Just partying it up, but even in a simple way, like chilling or online. I don't know, I don't think COVID is going to be gone in a few months for my area, so I guess it depends on where you are and what time of the year this applies to. Both Three of Cups and Prince of Cups tell me that there are emotions involved, and I think maybe for some this is you getting to know someone you have feelings for (also this could be revisiting someone from your past, like later I say that you know you can’t go back into the past, but I don’t think that means you can’t bring something with you into the future if that makes sense?). I think this person is in your community, which could be anything within your life, like school or work. Enjoyment applies to this, telling you to enjoy these moments. This card does talk about hard work, so I definitely think this isn't a one-way thing, like you can't just not put effort into this. It's going to need to effort on your part, so if you find that you have a hard time opening up to people, don't feel bad. IT's hard, I GET IT. But, I think this is telling you to work on it, or at least be aware of this. This year will be a year of transformation for you. You got the Transformation card, or Yumiko Kurahashi. Oh, interesting, the song Turn Back by Mat Kerekes came on, and my favorite line from this song is the bridge where he sings “I know I can’t turn back, somewhere I lost my heart. I know I can’t turn back ‘cause I don’t know where I’d start”, so, like going with this idea of transformation: maybe you know you’re moving on from who you were/what life was like before, and this is you knowing that there’s not really anything in the past for you anymore? One of the keywords for this card is becoming, so, possibly it's you learning how to become yourself. But, then the 9 of swords jumps in here, and I think this paired with Transformation I think maybe there are some problems with depression. This version of 9 of Swords is more frantic than other versions. He's preparing to be struck by swords - moreover, he HAS been stabbed by two swords, which, OW? But, also, I get just that sense of frantic freaking out with this (which definitely can accompany knowing you can’t go back to who you were before, or what was before). There's also that snake around the one sword, lunging forward. I think that's your fear overtaking you. Also, fear of false intentions. Maybe even fear that you're not strong enough? Insecurities. For some, I think this whole thing of getting to know someone you have feelings for is a new thing, like maybe past experiences weren't great (another thing that goes along with that line from Turn Back) or maybe this is the first time you've actually been in a situation like this, so maybe you're calculating all the outcomes and focusing on all the bad ones. But, I think you're being guided to take this in a place of power, as in, power over your thoughts. The Toni Morrison Power card's keywords are: owning power, seizing power, the powers at play. So, not only do I think whatever this is, it's meant to happen, but I think you're also being guided to work through your fears. You have bottom deck energies of The Star and Vision (Virginia Woolf), which I definitely think tells you that you should have hope that things will work out in your favor. Outside of the 9 of swords (which, being a swords card is purely mental), you have nothing to fear. I have a feeling this is going to be a guiding light in terms of situations for you. Like, I think from this you're going to learn a lot, I think. The card Witch tells you that you're wiser than you're thinking you are, and I see the 9 of swords playing with this in a way that shows that you're worried that not only are these persons intentions not good, but also that you're going to sabotage it all. But, I think you're being asked to enjoy the process (with enjoyment and 3 of cups), and revel in these feelings (this Prince of Cups - the KNIGHT of cups, really- is SUPER intense. His eyes are very hypnotizing - maybe this person has a stare like this, or maybe you associate purple with them or something - a scorpio maybe??? I mean, there's the scorpion on his arm.) For others that this isn't a love situation, I see this as being something that can bring you great joy, but like the others, you're questioning the outcomes and giving yourself anxiety. Again, enjoy the process and know that you know how to go about this. Songs that seemed relevant: Visitor - Of Monsters and Men New Years Eve - Brook Fraser Planet - DBMK Turn Back - Mat Kerekes Love - DBMK Pile 4:

cards: 8 of cups, 4 of wands, justice, work, spider, Octavia E. Butler (The Future), Janet Frame (Belonging) This year, I think pile 4 is going to be finding themselves. The main thing I see this from is the card Belonging, Janet Frame. This card talks about figuring who you are out, and the keywords are: being at home, being a stranger, and knowing yourself. I get a lot of balance from these cards, too, so I think its like you trying to balance yourself out. Maybe mastering your emotions. The Justice card in this deck is interesting because it has the normal scales on it, but behind it is the yin and yang symbol and over both of her shoulders are the moon and the sun, so its like balancing who you are out, like who you are inside and out. But I always kind of see the tower within this card (you also got the tower as bottom deck energy). She has lights coming out of her eyes, and has windows that are lit up over her head in the shape of a crown. So, it's like her head is being opened up, and by me seeing the tower, I think it's her finding clarity within. So, maybe this tower is that clarity? This is why I think you're balancing yourself out, like I think you're figuring out things about yourself. Like, what direction you want to go (with how she's pointing on this version of 4 of wands, I see that definitely). I see so much thinking in these cards and there was a lyric that stuck out to me in a song that came on by DBMK called Thin,  "Oh my god, am I so stuck in my ways?" So I see some of you seeing your bad habits and realizing that they're not there to stay, that you can kind of kick them out, show them the door. In four of wands, she's in the middle of a spiral and whenever I see spirals I always think of correlations. I don't remember why this specific image sticks out to me, but I do remember being in school and learning about correlations within nature and the picture in the textbook was of a shell in a spiral shape like that. And, so I kind of think maybe its like I said before, seeing correlations in situations and realizing what your bad habits are (and even the good ones too) and finding a way to get past them or even a way to transmute them into something better. I see him thinking these things through in the 8 of cups, too. Like, the 8 of cups can talk about walking away from something, like leaving it behind and going on sort of an inward journey. But in this one he’s sitting down, not moving away. I always see it as a card of solitude, like the Hermit. I don't see you being in solitude. Possibly for a little bit to think things through, but I see it more as this is your journey and its about You and figuring out who You are. There is also a boat in the background of the 8 of cups, but its more the skeleton of a boat. A shipwreck. So, I get this impression that even if he wanted to walk away, he's stuck there, so he's forced to see that things are the way they are and it's up to him to work on them. Almost like...You're forced into a period of stagnation? This is interesting, and I think I need to tell you that if you felt called to another one of the piles, piles 1 and 2 both had at least 1 of these cards in them, and there felt like a lot of balance in those too. And if this isn’t a period of stagnation, its at least a period of rest.  But, like with this stagnation, I also see a lot of work being done. Not necessarily movement, but work. You literally got the card Work from the Wild Offering oracle, which talks about not just grinding away, but giving. Kind of like the 6 of pentacles, I think, but not quite. Like, working to be beneficial to not just yourself, but others. But it's not just something selfless, its also a certain amount of selfishness - a healthy amount and this is for your own future, which, you also got the card The Future (Octavia E. Butler). That card talks about both planning and worrying about the future. So, I think you're working your way towards what you want for yourself in the future, but there's also a lot of thought about that and what you don't want and what could go wrong. Spider kind of touches that too. It talks about manifesting, but not controlling the outcome. I see worrying about the future as kind of controlling it too. I think with the justice card, its letting you know that it will balance out, so there's no need to worry. It will work out for you. I do wonder if for some of you this has a lot to do with you breaking free from expectations of others. Like, you lived a life that you thought was yours but then one day someone said something and you were looking at them and thought "Do you even know me?" Like, you thought they did, but you realized this picture they have of you is not true, its just their own perception. And so, after this, you're wanting to live life authentically. Like, live it the way YOU are and how you want. Oh, the song Santiago Peak by Movements came on, and the first verse goes like this: "I passed the house where I spent most of my life. And all the places that seem like they're from a different time, out of touch with the world that I once felt stuck inside. Never mind. Remember living through the passenger side..." So, it's like you feel like you're forever riding in the passenger seat of your own life, but you're seeing that this isn't who you are and it's not who you want to be. So there are small steps you're taking to create a new future where you're in the driver seat. The song does talk about going back to their old home, but I don't think that really applies. Like I think you hold this old you and this old life in the passenger seat close to your heart because it made you who you are today. It pushed you to where you wanted to grow, but you don't want to go back. There is another line that goes "And when I feel a little too far, I'll come back and restart," And I do think that maybe you'll think back from time to time about where you were, but it will only fuel the need to move forward? So it won’t really be a restart, but it will be enough to get you moving again if you’ve lost faith for a little bit. But, I don’t see that in these cards. I mostly see you working forward. These cards don’t have a lot of movement in them, so its not quick, rapid change, but its like slow and steady. Balanced and even. So for 2021, I see you working on the inside, but also making movement forward slowly. It doesn’t seem like an especially important year, at least not that the cards say so (it could be, this just seems like a small snapshot into it), but it does seem like it’s an important stepping stone.  Songs that seem relevant: Thin - DBMK Switchblade - DBMK Not a Second to Waste - A Rocket to the Moon (this song is so old lol and probably dates back to when I saw that picture in that textbook I mentioned so!! CIRCLING BACK!!) Santiago Peak - Movements

[allsassnoclass]

astronomy in reverse

Pairing: Roy English/Calum Hood Rating: T for language Word Count: 2016 Read on AO3

Summary: Roy and Calum go stargazing

Calum has learned more about the night sky in the past year than he has in his entire life leading up to that point.  He attributes nearly all of his new knowledge to increased time with Roy.  When the world stopped turning, Calum was suddenly confined to the house rather than a tour bus, for better or for worse.  To an extent he’s glad: Roy and Duke are home, which is a pretty big silver lining.  While he’s missed making music with the band and hearing venues erupt with fans screaming their lyrics and even the constant feeling of miles and miles of road disappearing under his feet, long walks with Duke and long nights spent wrapped up in his boyfriend have more than made up for it.

His favorite nights involve gazing at the sky while Roy talks about astrology or astronomy or cosmology or philosophy or spirituality or anything he fancies.  One thing that Calum loves about Roy is that he’s always coming up with new, interesting ideas about the world.  The first night they spent alone together in Bali was an exploration in thought that he could never have anticipated but was enraptured by nonetheless.  He doesn’t remember the specifics of what they talked about, but he remembers that he fell in love a little, and even though both of them have different thoughts now, that initial spark has never gone away.

“It’s going to be a clear night,” Roy says while they’re eating leftovers for dinner on the couch, Calum keeping a careful eye on Duke so he doesn’t lunge for his plate.

“Yeah?” he asks.  Roy clicks his tongue at Duke and offers him a potato chip, allowing Calum to relax and take a bite of his own food.

“Mars should be visible,” Roy says.  Calum watches fondly as he scratches Duke behind the ears.  The sun hasn’t set yet, and the natural light highlights his face in a warm glow.  Roy is always sunny, even in the dead of winter or in the middle of a rainstorm, like he’s somehow able to trap rays within his skin so he can shine in every context.  Looking at him grinning down at Duke now, Calum feels lucky that the universe aligned to bring them all together.

“Do you want to go out for it?” he asks.  Their backyard is far enough from the heart of the city that they can see the North Star most nights, but Roy has found a place a reasonable drive away that lets them put together more constellations.

Roy smiles at him in response, giving Duke an opening to lunge for more chips.  Dinner dissolves into a battle to corral an unruly dog acting more like a puppy than an old man for once in his life, but Calum doesn’t mind as long as he can hear Roy’s loud laugh and keep seeing him shine.

-/-

They head out once they clean up the mess in the living room.  The sun is beginning to set, painting the sky in pastels and lengthening all of the shadows in corners of the city.  Their destination is a hill in the middle of a park, a frequently visited little haven, but Calum is happy to see that they’re the only people there tonight.  They park the car and Calum grabs a blanket kept in back.  It’s a nice evening: cool but not cold, skies clear with an occasional gentle breeze.  Crickets and the rare bird call tickle his ears as Roy grabs his hand as they walk, tilting his head up to look at the moon, a bright spot half-full even while the last of the sun’s rays illuminate the sky.  He doesn’t let go when they reach the peak of the hill, leaving Calum to try to spread the blanket on the grass one-handed.  It doesn’t work, and Roy laughs at him before taking pity and helping.

“It’ll be more helpful if you’d let go,” Calum says as they tug on different corners and try to lay the blanket down in sync.

“It’s important to challenge yourself.”

“Fuck off,” Calum laughs as Roy pulls him down onto the blanket next to him, holding their hands safely in his lap.  Calum turns his gaze to the sky, quickly landing on the moon again.  He lays down and settles in, pulling Roy down with him by their joined hands so he can talk to him easier while they wait for all of the stars to come out.

“Do you think aliens exist?” Roy asks after they’ve laid in quiet for a few minutes tracing the craters of the moon with their eyes.

“Yes,” Calum says automatically.  He glances at Roy, harder to see now that the sun has fully set, but the upward angle of his lips is still visible.

“Why?”

“The universe is fucking huge,” Calum says.  “There’s no way that there isn’t other life out there.  It might not be recognizable to us, but I don’t think our little world is that unique.  We just haven’t expanded our search enough.”

“If it’s not recognizable to us, is it still life, or is it something else?” Roy asks.  Calum hums.

“I guess it depends.  If we can’t recognize it as life then we probably wouldn’t consider it alive as a society, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t.”

Roy smiles wider, the way he does when Calum has a thought he particularly likes.

“Scientists talk about life-cycles of stars from birth to death despite not considering them living organisms like us, but I think that’s because subconsciously we know that we’re all the same.  We’re all connected.  Just because stars don’t breathe doesn’t mean they can’t be alive.”

“So the stars are aliens?” Calum asks, finding Polaris above them.

“Maybe none of us are aliens,” Roy says.  “‘Alien’ implies ‘other,’ and there is no other.  All of our differences are arbitrary, but at the core everything comes from the same place.  Scientists said we’re made of the same things as stars.  We’re part of the same universe and the same collective unconscious.  Why shouldn’t that extend to the other creations we share the universe with?”

Calum hums.  He gazes at the stars and tries to imagine them as alive.

“What about our phones and guitars and stuff?” he asks.  “There are non-living things in the world.  Where do you draw the line?”

Calum can feel Roy shrug next to him.

“Somewhere between stars and guitars,” he says.  “Maybe stars are part of a bigger life.  The Creator’s synapses.”

“And us?”

“His favorite creations.  You are, at least.  He definitely should be proud of what he did there.”

Calum glances at him.

“Are you trying to use God to flirt with me?”

Roy smiles, still bright in the dark.

“Just telling the truth.  Well, as much of the truth as we can be certain of.”

“It’s called the truth because we’re certain of it.  Everything else is called a mystery.”

Roy shakes his head.  “You can figure out mysteries without having a definite truth.  What I thought was a definite truth before could be something different now.”

Calum considers.

“And if I said that grass is green?”

“Fuck off,” Roy laughs.  “I’m talking about bigger things.  Truths of the universe in philosophy or religion.  Things where truth is dependent on belief rather than something provable.”

“Alright, alright,” Calum concedes.  “I get what you’re saying.”  Roy squeezes his hand.  Calum squeezes back, a silent transaction that makes him smile.

“Look,” Roy says after a moment, pointing with their joined hands up at the sky.  “Boötes.  Did you know that ancient cultures had different names for this constellation, but lots of stories for it call him a herdsman of some sort?  More evidence of the collective consciousness and human unity.”

Calum hums, because he has heard that before.  Boötes is Roy’s favorite constellation because he likes saying the name. Calum’s favorite is one that they made up when they were out in the desert celebrating Ashton’s album release. It’s hard to see this close to the city, and it’s probably only really visible in the fall anyway, but it making it was one of his favorite memories from the fall, both of them sitting in the same lounge chair and gazing up at a sky more luminous than this one, picking out different shapes and forming outrageous stories behind them.

They do a lot of storytelling in their house.  Songwriting is its own form of storytelling, of course, but they also do more traditional sorts, recounting things from their day or sitting together entertaining each other with their imaginations.  It’s an exercise in creativity, stretching different muscles that songwriting doesn’t always hit or that Calum doesn’t think to use in everyday life, and he feels like he’s better for it.  If nothing else, it’s saved him from boredom in quarantine and has kept him from traveling in circles in his head.

“Hey,” Roy says, “what do you think happens when we die?”

Calum could never be bored with Roy around.

They spend more time discussing various questions and secrets in hushed voices under the cover of the sky, staring at the specks of stars far above them.  Roy points out which speck should be Mars once he’s fairly certain he doesn’t have it wrong, raising their joined hands to the sky for Calum to follow, and Calum uses sightlines as an excuse to shift closer.

Roy knows that it’s bullshit, but Calum gets a kiss for his troubles.

They trade a few more words back and forth before fading into silence.  Calum stares at the sky and listens to Roy’s gentle breathing next to him and the crickets hidden somewhere in the grass.  He takes his own deep breath of the crisp night air, as fresh and clear as it gets near LA, and feels any lingering tension from the day leave his body.  Out here, cuddled up to the man he loves and watching glittering pieces of celestial gas that might have burnt out already, it’s hard to feel like any of the things that typically bother him matter.  There’s something to be said about contextualizing his problems against the entire universe, and there’s something to be said about doing that while trying to unwrap the universe with Roy.

When they delve into these sorts of talks, Calum always walks away with a worse understanding of the universe and a much better understanding of Roy.

Maybe that’s the point.  Maybe humans aren’t meant to reveal the secrets of the universe, but rather to reveal their own secrets to each other.  Calum knows the way that Roy thinks now.  He knows why he loves the stories he does and how he views himself in relation to the rest of humanity.  He understands Roy’s compassion and his love for the world they’re in.  He knows who Roy is, and he knows a little more every time Roy asks him about things that Calum can only guess at.

He’s never felt like he knows anyone quite like he knows Roy.  It’s more than the fact that they’re roommates and Calum knows what brand of toothpaste he uses and how he takes his coffee.  It’s like Roy is a distant star, and Calum keeps twisting his telescope further into focus, and he knows that it goes the same way.  Roy knows how he likes his eggs and which bass is his favorite, but he also knows the inner workings of Calum’s thoughts.  He knows the way their hands fit perfectly together and when they have to let go to avoid them getting uncomfortably sweaty.

He glances at him, profile barely discernible in the dark.

“Hey,” he says quietly.  Roy’s head tips towards him, breaking his staring contest with the sky.  “I love you.  I’m glad the universe let me know you.”

Roy doesn’t say anything, just brings Calum’s hand to his lips and kisses it, and they go back to watching the sky together, existing in a tiny pocket of space carved just for them and the stars.