#i’m mostly not that mad anymore bc it’s been like 3 hours and i need to Move On with my life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kraiyan · 3 years

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i made my own little headcannons to fit in if michael and jeremy were dating and a bunch of other stuff that i don’t want to spoil so take my headcannons and please don’t pay attention to my overuse of the words ‘so’ and ‘like’

i wrote this headcannons for me in my notes so there are mentions of panic/anxiety attacks, light mentions of an eating disorder, nightmares, and self harm but i’ll just put a trigger warning for when those parts show up and if i missed anything that is triggering please let me know

- michael is trans and gay and jeremy is bisexual

- i think they would’ve been friends since kindergarten so they grew up telling each other EVERYTHING

- i feel like michael was really girly as a kid but in like 6th grade he just completely switched to like tomboy but he didn’t do on purpose it just happened

- then in seventh grade michael told jeremy he wanted to be a boy then after that with help from jeremy he came out to his moms

- michael had a crush in jeremy since 7th grade but i don’t think jeremy was his first crush

- i think since michael was straight when he was a girl he just assumed he was straight as a boy and his sexual awakening was captain sparklez

- michael has two moms and jeremys mom would’ve died in a car accident so it’s just him and his dad

- i imagine they confessed to each other in their second year of high school

- (TW: mentions of abuse) jeremy realized he liked michael in freshman year and it was really bad he could not stop thinking about him so when he got squip squip l would not stop punishing him for it

- so jeremy definitely has some problems with his bisexuality

- after years of pining for each other when they finally kissed jeremy could not stop panicking about it

- like they went to sleep fine but he was internally panicking and he tried to keep it together but the next day he absolutely broke just started sobbing saying over and over again “is this okay, are we okay”

- michael is the type to listen to a vulgar music to help his dysphoria

- so him and jeremy are in his car michael plugs in his phone and just starts singings “hoes want to be seen with me and i like their big thick titties”

- and jeremy can do nothing else but be like michael what the fuck

- they decided to keep their relationship a secret and not tell anyone bc of jeremy still coming to terms with himself and he didn’t think his dad would understand

- but i feel like michael moms had already pieced together that they were dating and jeremy didn’t mind that they knew bc they’re literally lesbians but every time jeremy came over from that point forward they had to keep their door open

-(TW: mention of an eating disorder) in a different angstier au jeremy would struggle with eating as a control thing after squip

- (TW: mention of an eating disorder) in an angstier au michael would have an eating disorder cause dysphoria

- i feel like once he realized he was trans he had really bad dysphoria but like with therapy and stuff he got over it

- so i think michael really liked afycso and had it on a vinyl and now jeremy knows all the words

- they don’t do anything at school because jeremy is still uncomfortable so they just pursuit their relationship between closed doors and michaels car in an empty parking lot

- i feel like they both got really excited when michael got referred to as sir for the first time

- jeremy and michael grew up together but ironically when puberty hit michael started to wear baggy clothes than he wore a binder than he wore super baggy clothes to hide his tits after coming out but during squip he had time to self reflect and work on his dysphoria so when jeremy saw michael outside of school he kinda said TITS and was so caught off guard by them

-(TW: mentions of self harm scars) i think michael has sh scars due to losing his childhood best friend and the whole panic attack in the bathroom thing and jeremys seen them but didn’t bring it up to michael because they’re fading so he obviously doesn’t do it anymore but it was a huge shock for jeremy to find out

- they never brought it up tho and it was never discussed bc who cares it was in the past

- michael pants his nails black and i think on some very rare occasion jeremy would paint his nails too (like the way karl paint his) and michael has lots of nail polish cuz on the rare occasion he paints his nails different colors and he repainted his nails every two weeks

- no matter how many times michael has changed in the same room as jeremy even let jeremy help take off his binder jeremy will never not get shy when he changes and will always ask to go into another room

- jeremy is a coffee person but not hot coffe because he always drinks it too early and burns his tongue

- he originally bought his hoodie™️ in really huge size to battle dysphoria but that just made the hoodie last for years

- jeremys name in michaels phone is something very gay and lovey and shit and michaels name on jeremys phone is just michael :)

- jeremy would come home all suspicious and and red faced after him and michael came from an empty parking lot that his dad would not stop begging him to meet this girlfriend of his

- i don’t think jeremy told his dad him and michael were playing a game or something and they kiss jeremys dad comes in and is like what 😦

-and his dad is shocked that he has been pushing girlfriend but he has a boyfriend and is just soooooo awkward about it and never sees michael the same but never makes any rules about them bc he doesn’t want to be homophobic 😭

- i don’t think he was really not supportive but it took him a bit to get used to it but it was so new to him and he was just so phased he just kinda talked to jeremy about his sexuality then left it at that

- they are like gendebend bubbline (marshal lee and the other one yk)

- michael has a queen vinyl the listen to a lot

- so i think michael would still smoke a bit and one time he convinced jeremy to do it with him and jeremy mainly coughed a lot then they just made out the rest of the time but they didn’t tell their parents they would be staying out after school and they both got in trouble

- michael gets blue raspberry and jeremy gets cherry but he also gets coke sometimes too (slushy flavors)

- at the beginning of their relationship they had to take it really slow so that jeremy would feel coqmfortable

- (TW: mentions of panic attacks) so jeremy has nightmares of squip and he wakes up having panic attacks and it’s really tiring bc he only gets 2 hours of sleep if he has these nightmares

- (TW: mentions of panic attacks) i feel like along with his nightmares he also had panic attacks that squip would punish him for pursuing a relationship with a guy let alone michael

- so after he got over his nightmares he just struggled with sleeping and nighttime in general like just fear around going to sleep

- so he often stayed up alll night to avoid sleeping and would like go to bed at 6 or on a good day 4 or 5

- so i think to get over his fear he had to make a routine first he would make some sort of hot drink or just water (mostly sleepy time tea) then he would text michael that he was going to sleep he also wears the same pajamas every time he goes to sleep just to make sure the routine really works then lastly he reads a comic book then he goes to bed

- i think the reason jeremy couldn’t sleep well after getting over the nightmares is because even if squip doesn’t haunt him enough to show up in his dreams anymore it still haunts him enough to stress him out constantly so he doesn’t sleep well

- to conclude the nightmare and sleeping saga jeremy basically has a night routine and sleeps with a night light

- i feel like they both go to therapy but we’re to scared to tell each other (and they both started going to therapy before they started dating)

- so fast forward they’re dating and are trying to plan a date and jeremys like i’m busy on monday at 1 and my dad needs me to help him with something on tuesday so how about wednesday at 3 and michaels like i have somewhere to be like at 3:30 and jeremys like where do you have to be and michaels like where do YOU have to be and so they count to three and say where they’re going to be and they both say therapy and then they’re like you go to therapy i think that would be so cute

- so michael has really thick glasses like his vision is awful so if jeremy is mad at michael he would wake up early and move his glasses over so michael would have to struggle to get out of bed and look for them with his poor ass vision

- he can see things right in front of his face but as soon as it moves a bit too far it’s blurry

- and speaking of his galsses if they’re really kissing along the way jeremy would take of his glasses so they could get closer to each other’s faces (like how elle and tao do in heartstopper )

- michael and jeremy have been friends way too long to not have practiced kissing with each other

- i think christine was a long time crush for jeremy so he definitely practiced kissing michael a lot since they were in 6th grade and michael was just soaking that shit up

- he’d be like what if she wants to make out we should practice that and jeremys like oh yeah you’re right and michael would be so freaking happy

- but they definitely got caught by jeremys dad and he laughed it off cause what else are you meant to when your 11 year old son and his 12 year old best friend are kissing each other

- they didn’t do it anymore after that cause they were soooooooooo embarrassed

- so i don’t talk about the rest of the characters but i’m about to make a headcannon including them so i’m gonna say my headcannons

- so chole is demisexual and panromantic

- brooke is a lesbian

- rich is bisexual and trans

- jake is pan

- jenna is questioning or straight

- and christine is aro/ace

- so i think jeremy and christine dated for a bit then christine broke up with him cause she was all like i can see the way you look at michael and also because she realized she was feeling intense platonic attraction not romantic

- and also i think they’re all friends so they have a group chat where they send homework answers and stuff

- so i think one time jeremy is doing his nighttime routine but this particular night he’s really tired so he texts michael goodnight bby <3 love u then skips the comic book reading and goes to bed but he sent it to their group chat so as soon as he got situated into bed all he hears is his phone going off so he has to check and it’s just everyone freaking out

- so he like fully sits up is looking at his phone in complete shock then realizes he never said a name so they are like who’s this mystery girl

- so he calls michael tells him about the situation then decides he’s ready to come out

- so the next day they’re more handsy then usual like jeremy wiped something off his face michael saw that he was cold and pulled him real close and their friends are like okayyyyy

- but mind you christine knew that jeremy liked michael so she knew exactly what was happening

- so at the end of the day their friend group is making plans to hang out but everyone was busy so jeremy goes well i’ll see you guys tomorrow waves at everyone kisses michael then starts walking to his house then michaels like yea i’m gonna head home to and like drives away and from that day forward their friends would not stop teasing them and were impressed they could keep there secret for so long

- so i feel like michaels moms both have jobs that run late so mom #1 is an er nurse and mom #2 is an account so this leaves michael a lot of time of being alone in his house so naturally you need to take advantage

- so one time mom #2 gets home and walks in just to see jeremy fully on the counter making out with her son

- i don’t think they got in trouble but his mom was like please not on the counter

- and then there was another time where mom #1 came home on her break cause she doesn’t live far from the er so she like yells to michael that she’s home

- and so naturally you come down to hug your mom so he comes down to greet his mom with a red faced jeremy behind him and his mom thought this was so fucking funny but as soon as she’s done laughing she immediately goes anytime jeremys over the doors open and that was the end of it

- everyone has this one thing that someone does that make them all blushy and stuff

- for jeremy it’s when michael wears fitting clothes cause michael is known to wear hoodies or just baggy clothes in general so when michael does get hot and needs to like put something on he puts on one of those body fitting v necks and jeremy losses his shit like he’s fully blushing and avoiding eye contact and since michael changed cause he was hot he’s sure that jeremy is so hot that his face is turning red and he’s embarrassed to say to take off his cardigan so the entire time jeremy is being full homo for his boyfriend michael is thinking he’s about to pass out from a heat stroke

- so i think jeremy enjoys this so much that for the first week of spring michael will only wear fitted clothes because jeremy loves it

- for michael it’s when he’s kissing jeremys neck and jeremy runs his hand thru his hair and pulls it a little when this happens michael loses all common sense one because jeremys enjoying himself so much that he has to kinda tug on michaels hair and two he’s enjoying it so much he doesn’t have time to think that squip is going to punish him and that makes michael just lose his mind so by the time they’ve pulled apart jeremy as sooooo many hickies and they both look at each other like what the fuck did we just do

- moving right along i feel like when jeremy wakes up at night and is terrified to go back to sleep if him and michael are sleeping together he will like hug him until he gets back to sleep and it works every time

- when they were like 7 jeremy got really sick with the flu and michael was so scared that he was going to die so he kissed him while he was sleeping because if his best friend was gonna die so was he and the next day he got really sick with the flu and jeremy would not stop crying because he thought that since michael refused to leave his side he got him sick…they’re idiots

- jeremy is the type to go to school with the worst fever ever he could throw up in the middle of the school day and still not go to the nurse and if he got sick during junior year forget it you had to strap him down to his bed if you wanted him to take a day off like michael had to sedecue him into staying in bed and taking medication so that he could feel better

#be more chill #boyf riends #bmc #bmc headcanons #bmc michael #bmc jeremy

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cakesunflower · 5 years

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No Need Convincing Me [Tattoo Artist!Calum AU] Part 5

Summary: Elodie Banks hadn’t expected to get so caught up in her best friend’s tattoo artist. But all it took was one meeting with Calum Hood for Elodie to feel herself drawing towards him and the ink on his skin. Maybe once she was rid of a miserable relationship and the insecurities that came with it, she’d allow herself to realize that Calum was just as wrapped up in her.

A/N: i’m not entirely satisfied with the end but like. i just needed it to be done. i definitely finished writing this in my medieval lit class while my professor talked about Chaucer bc fuck Chaucer he’s a lil bitch. ANYWAYS. happy reading!!!!

All Parts: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 6

Part 5

“Come on, man, it’s not that hard once you get the hang of it.”

Calum rolled his eyes as he and Michael crossed the street, giving a shake of his head. “Luke likes to play, just ask him.”

Michael let out a scoff, as if Calum’s suggestion was completely unsound. He sniffed, the cold late afternoon air hitting his face as they walked. “Luke dies in, like, the first minute. It’s pretty fucking pathetic,” he added with a patronizing snicker towards his best friend.

Calum huffed out a laugh, hands shoved in the pockets of his leather jacket. He almost regretted not wearing his hoodie underneath, remaining in just a shirt, as the cold weather chilled his body, the chain necklace he wore feeling like ice on his skin in addition to the breeze. He and Michael walked side by side, only stepping apart as a family shuffled past right between them before falling into step with one another as Calum said, “I’m down to play any other game with you except Fortnite. Or that weird card game.”

Throwing his head back to let out a pretty dramatic groan, earring dangling and hand flying up to the top of his head to keep his hat in place, Michael complained, “Magic: The Gathering isn’t a weird card game if you just gave it a shot!”

Calum merely smirked lazily, figuring that one day he’d give into Michael’s request and play the card game. For now he’d just let Michael sweat it out. So Calum shot his friend a look and challenged, “I’ll play the damn game when you decide to start filling in your bands—you work at a tattoo shop, for fuck’s sake.” Michael sputtered, glancing down at his tattooed arm, forgetting in that moment that he had a sweatshirt on. Calum shook his head in exaggerated disappointment. “There’s no reason you shouldn’t—”

He cut off right as a store door opened in his path—where was the sidewalk store etiquette of having doors open into the store?—and Calum wondered if this was some kind of universal joke as Nathan, of all of the people in this populated city, strolled out. He paused, green eyes meeting Calum’s dark brown as he fixed his damn cuff links, lips curling automatically into a sneer as he took in the sight of Calum.

And Calum couldn’t help it, he stopped as well—mostly because he had to as a way of avoiding getting hit by the door—and let out an unamused breath through his nose as he realized they were in front of the high tux shop a couple of blocks from their parlor, before his gaze returned to Nathan. He looked just as crisp and clean cut as usual as Calum eyed him, expression bemused and the corner of his lips just barely lifting into a condescending smirk. His unimpressed stare remained on Nathan while he drawled to Michael, “This fuckin’ guy.”

He heard Michael let out a displeased scoff of his own while Nathan merely smirked as he mused, “Tell me—is the tattoo profession truly that slow since you and your employee here can afford walking around the city during business hours? Seems like I only ever see you out of your shop, pal.”

Nathan was obviously goading him, or at least trying to, a not-so-subtle dig at Calum’s choice of career. Not that Nathan trying to paint himself as the more successful of them had any effect on Calum; the tattoo artist knew his business was doing better than great, and he was pretty damn happy and content with his life. Nothing a bitter, petty, and asshole of a man could say would make any of that less true.

“Funny, I was just gonna say I’ve been seein’ a bit too much of you,” Calum responded, his tone flat and sounding just as uninterested as he was.

It was also meant to be the last thing Calum was going to say to Nathan, exchanging a bored look with Michael just as the words left his lips before the two of them went to side step him and continued on their way. They were just about to merge back into the sidewalk traffic when Nathan spoke up once more, “That’ll happen if you glue yourself to Elodie. How much longer are you planning on doing that, by the way? Being so codependent isn’t healthy, you know.”

A soft yet disbelieving breath escaped Calum’s lips at Nathan’s words, eyes rolling skywards as he wondered if the mad bastard really just uttered that statement. Calum would’ve laughed at Nathan’s hypocricy in regards to healthy relationships—who the fuck was he, of all people, to try and give advice on those?—if it weren’t for the irritation so quickly beginning to burn his blood. Was this guy really so blind to think that what he did to Elodie was normal? It concerned Calum if that was true; the reminder of what she had to endure in a relationship with someone like Nathan twisted Calum’s stomach in uneasy anger. No one deserved to be treated the way Nathan treated Elodie, and knowing that someone Calum was so quickly coming to care about had to go through that only further pissed him off. And to think that Nathan thought that Calum being with Elodie was something that had an expiration date on it, he was sorely mistaken. Calum didn’t plan on it, and he could only hope, though he may kind of know, that Elodie didn’t, either.

Calum could’ve easily been the bigger man and continued walking, ignoring Nathan and his taunts that didn’t effect Calum. But he also didn’t want Nathan walking away thinking his behavior and words were so easily done without him being put in his place. Calum wasn’t too keen on being given the responsibility of being the one to do so, but then Elodie’s face flashed in his mind; her brown eyes and soft hair and gentle smile and the kind tone she spoke in, and Calum didn’t mind anymore. He found himself realizing, as a smile threatened to quirk at his lips for no reason other than just thinking about Elodie, that he’d probably do anything for her already. He was fine with that.

Calum and Elodie weren’t codependent, not by a long shot; they were just getting to know each other, a journey they were both enjoying and didn’t want to end. So he wasn’t even going to acknowledge that part of Nathan’s empty taunt. Instead, he just turned around, catching Michael’s semi-amused huff, and tilted his chin at Nathan. “At least I’m not a controlling bastard like you.” With a cock of his head, Calum pushed smugly, “Isn’t that why your unhealthy relationship died?” Calum clicked his tongue in mock empathy. “Must be shit to not have control over someone and lose ’em.”

He saw the effect his words had on Nathan, who had proven to not being as good as Calum in keeping himself in check, as the snide smirk on his lips dissipated as his jaw clenched and gaze hardened, lips twitching into a frown he couldn’t contain. Even so, Calum couldn’t tell if Nathan was more bothered by the comment of him being controlling, or the reminder that Elodie ended their relationship.

Instead of lashing out, Nathan took a step towards Calum, a single click of the heel of his fancy ass dress shoes as Calum felt Michael tense up ever so slightly. But Nathan’s gaze remained on Calum, who kept his gaze on him evenly. Nathan’s green eyes were brimming with a familiar fire and his teeth gritted as he threatened in a low, taut tone, “She’s never going to love someone like you.”

It was almost amusing how Nathan thought that was for him to decide. Calum cared for no one’s opinion but Elodie’s, and he wasn’t going to let a selfish, bitter ex of hers influence his thoughts. Love was some ways away for now—but with Elodie, Calum had a feeling he was on the track, given just how fast and quickly he fell for her. And, shit, did he revel in it. So Calum’s dark eyes narrowed slightly but remained on Nathan’s green, hands that were still in the pockets of his leather jacket forming into tight fists as he returned assertively, just a hint of ridicule, “Are you speaking from experience?”

He was well aware that his words were fuel to an already brimming fire, and Calum picked up on the instant shift of Nathan’s expression, saw the severe temper Calum provoked darken his green eyes and the twitch of his lips threatening into a snarl. But Calum was unapologetic, didn’t care that he was reminding the bastard of how shitty his relationship was despite whatever delusion he’d put himself into. Calum was still unapologetic when Nathan pulled back his hand in one second and slammed the knuckles of his fist into the bone of Calum’s cheek.

There was an instant numbing sting that settled in Calum’s face, forced to stumble only a single step back from the force Nathan put behind the punch. Calum was more surprised by the power behind the hit than the actual hit itself, head turning by the punch as it shocked through his face. He was only barely aware of Michael’s protesting shout, didn’t care for the fact that they were on the sidewalk and a few people had looked over upon the violent action. All Calum could focus on was the sting on one side of his face, his own fury thrumming to life as he clenched his jaw, the action only causing a newfound ache, facing the right as his head had turned upon the punch. There were a couple of middle aged women who’d saw what just happened, completely forgetting that they were going to cross the street and instead watching with wide, incredulous eyes.

Calum’s lips parted, slowly dragging his gaze back to Nathan as he licked the inside of his lower lip in provoked acceptance that this was how it was going to be. He almost smirked when Nathan followed his actions with words unsteady because of barely contained anger, “She was lucky to have me. Now she’ll just go back to being absolutely nothing.”

Almost.

But then Nathan had to bring Elodie’s worth into it, something Calum understood neither he nor Nathan could live up to, and any pain of his cheek disappeared as Calum decided, in that split second, to not hold back.

There was no hope for Calum to remain unaffected by Nathan’s jeer, or his presumptuous attitude of being someone who made Elodie anything but unjustifiably insecure and timid, and he ignored Michael’s attempts of pulling him away. Calum felt his muscles tighten as his fingers curled into a fist, his blunt nails digging into his palms, lips curving into an animalistic snarl as he swung his own fist forward.

The first thing Calum noticed was the sharp pain in his fingers as his knuckles dug right into Nathan’s nose because he’d definitely broken it. The second thing Calum noticed was Michael’s startled, “Jesus, fuck!”. And the third thing Calum noticed as Nathan stumbled backwards, much more than Calum had, and Calum’s hand uncurled was the bit of blood that was now tainting his fingers and rings.

Nathan ended up on the ground, a shout of pain escaping him as he brought his hands up to his face, the crimson color painting his skin and dripping right down to stain his probably expensive suit. Calum stood over him, looking down at the bleeding man as his hand hung beside him, the adrenaline pumping through his veins fueled by a wrath he hadn’t known himself capable of numbing him to the pain he was probably going to feel soon in both his face and hand.

But he was aware of the eyes that were watching them, people minding their own business but observing the scene that had just unfolded, yet Calum kept his fiery gaze on Nathan, feeling Michael’s hand on his shoulder. Not an ounce of regret tainted Calum, the beat of his heart only racing due to the adrenaline stemming from the anger Nathan’s words brought. Calum’s jaw clenched, vaguely aware of the sting on his cheek because of the action, but he didn’t care. No fucking way was he going to let this bastard say shit about Elodie and allow him to walk away without repercussions.

“You fuck—” Nathan sputtered through a thick voice, words muffled and disgruntled by his hands holding his nose and the blood that was pouring from it, his eyes widened in pain and incredulity and infuriation as he looked up at them. Calum felt a swell of satisfaction at the sight of him; on his ass on the sidewalk, expensive looking suit getting stained with blood, and not at all looking as put together as he’d like to. “You broke my fucking nose!”

Calum briefly raised his eyebrows, features set and hardened, hyper aware of the warm blood on his own skin. “It was either that or your arm,” he responded briskly, reminding Nathan of his promise from Dominique’s birthday party, to which the fallen man sputtered out something incoherent. “I would’ve preferred both.”

Nathan pushed himself up, a smear of blood on the pavement as he used one hand to get to his feet. His other hand remained on his nose, the crimson blood visible through his fingers, and blonde hair disheveled from the fall. Green eyes enraged, Nathan demanded, “You think you can get away with putting your han—”

“It was self defense, asshole,” Michael spoke up, his own voice tight once he’d gotten over his brief surprise of how quickly things had escalated. “You punched him first and there are loads of witnesses to attest to that. Fucking try.”

Calum pressed the tip of his tongue against the back of his lower teeth, forcefully as he fought the sneer from curling at his lips again, feeling the muscles in his face subtly twitch in protest. This guy—this motherfucker who hurt Elodie with his words and treatment—deserved any kind of pain Calum may have just inflicted upon him. He deserved to feel any semblance of an ache like he caused Elodie, and Calum was more than willing to be the physical enforcer of it. He was proud of her for sticking up for herself, for getting herself out of the situation, but that didn’t mean Calum couldn’t offer his services.

Sure, he’d known her only for a short time but, shit, he’d do it for her.

Nathan fumbled incoherently once more, stupidly, trying and failing to find words to defend himself, to find the kind of words he’d utter to hurt Elodie and throw them in Calum’s face. Hell, if Nathan even tried, he was a bigger idiot than Calum already thought of him as.

So he left him with a simple and honest warning in a tone that left no room for niceties. “You try to talk shit ’bout Elodie again, and I’ll take a couple-a-teeth out, too.”

*****

The second the door to Calum’s apartment swung open, Elodie’s instinctual reaction was to look down at his dominant hand to visually inspect it. The air had rushed out of her lungs the second she’d received Dominique’s text earlier, praising Calum for punching Nathan so hard that he broke his nose, which was the first time Elodie had even heard about the incident. She’d been in her three hour film lecture, only receiving the texts once she was out of class, and had needed to stop walking to make sure she was reading Dominique’s text correctly.

Calum had punched Nathan. He’d broken his nose. And Elodie wasn’t entirely sure how she should feel that the first thought that popped into her head following the news wasn’t to be afraid of Calum, but was to be worried about his hand.

Because as well as Elodie thought she’d known Nathan for the years they grew up together and the months they were dating, it felt like nothing compared to how she was getting to know Calum. With him, nothing felt off limits, there were no egg shells to walk on, no temper to be uneasy around. If Calum punched Nathan, Elodie instinctively knew it was for a good reason. And it felt crazy to her, how easy it felt with Calum; unrestrained and comfortable and good. Maybe that’s why she wanted to see him right away. Because with Nathan, all she ever wanted to do when his temper flared was to get away.

So when the door opened, Elodie’s gaze flickered down to his hand briefly before her worried brown eyes met Calum’s surprisingly sheepish ones, feeling her chest swell happily at the mere sight of him until she took in the slight discoloration on his left cheek. Elodie’s lips parted at the bruise that bloomed on the swell of his cheek, chest sinking with the sharp breath that escaped her as the words, “Are you okay?” tumbled out of her mouth immediately.

She hadn’t been aware that Nathan had gotten a hit in, too. Not nearly as strong, but still. The sight of the injury twisted Elodie’s stomach—the knowledge of it being caused by her ex only worsened it.

But Calum, quickly becoming a light, only smiled through a breathless chuckle and reassured, “I’m fine, doll,” before ducking his head to press a quick kiss to her lips, Elodie’s mouth automatically puckering to accept the kiss before moving further into the apartment. Paws clattered across the floorboards and Calum smiled, as if he didn’t have a bruise on his face, and nodded, “Duke’s just as excited to see you.”

She picked up the dog just as he reached her, accepting and enjoying the kisses she was greeted with, with a smile on her face, though her concerned gaze remained on Calum as she watched him shut the door. Elodie mumbled a gentle, “Hi, buddy,” to Duke as she ran her fingers through his soft fur, his paws against her chest as her gaze dropped to Calum’s hand once more.

Duke wiggled out of her grasp and Elodie bent down enough for him to easily jump down, and her eyebrows knitted together as Calum tried to move past her but she stopped him, grabbing the material of his hoodie. He skidded to a stop as she maneuvered around him, her hand gently grasping his right wrist so she could lift up his hand and inspect it. Elodie’s throat tightened at the faint bruises formed on his knuckles, the color sticking out more than the glint of his rings, and the familiar uneasiness of guilt crept back into her stomach.

“Don’t worry—I didn’t break anythin’. Just iced it a bunch; the bruising will go away soon enough,” Calum told her, the reassurance ever present in his tone, and Elodie adored that he was trying to make her feel better even though he was the one who was physically injured. It only served as a reminder of how considerate Calum was, and it made falling for him that much lighter.

Elodie held his fingers in hers, her touch light as a feather out of fear of somehow irritating his bruise, and let her thumb run over the skin by his rings as she scoffed gently. “Didn’t break anything except for Nathan’s nose.” Was it wrong to feel a smile tug at her lips? She never wanted to be someone to smile at someone else’s expense, much less their pain. But knowing Calum was okay relieved some of the tension in her shoulders. Lifting her gaze, Elodie met Calum’s eyes and told him with only the tiniest bit of amusement coloring her tone, “I heard you got blood on his favorite Armani suit.”

Calum scoffed, lips quirking briefly as he looked down at Elodie holding his hand, ever so careful of touching his injury. With an almost childlike petulance, Calum countered, “He got blood on my favorite rings.”

Despite wanting to continue standing there and joking around lightheartedly, Elodie still felt the weight lingering on her shoulders, which sank when she let out a sigh and lamented, “I hate that this happened to you because of me.” Her throat worked as she eyed the bruise on his cheek, a reddish-purple color blossoming against the brown of his skin. “Do you need ice?”

“Elodie,” Calum was quick to speak up, removing his hand from her light grasp so he could place both of his hands at the sides of her face, fingers tangling into her brown locks and ducking his head to maintain eye contact. He had a habit of holding her like that, and Elodie adored it. His brown eyes were widened in encouragement, hoping she would hear his words loud and clear as he said, “This didn’t happen because of you. It happened because your ex is a dick and I’ve been known for being unable to keep my mouth shut.” His touch was warm, as always, and his words spread the same comfort his hands did as his thumb stroked her cheek. “And it was completely worth it.”

Still, Elodie found herself nibbling on her lower lip as she gazed at the bruise on his cheek and was hyper aware of his discolored knuckles as well. The heaviness in her chest wasn’t as suffocating, but it was still there as it dried her throat, and Elodie couldn’t bring herself to look Calum in the eyes anymore. Not through any fault of his own—she just had some things to work through as well, things ingrained into her by her selfish ex, and it was those same insecurities that had her whispering out, “Why is it when I’m in a relationship, someone ends up hurt?”

“Baby.” Elodie’s heart lodged itself in her throat as the term of endearment slipped from Calum’s lips, soft and raspy in his desperate voice. He’d never called her that before. She liked it. Calum gently tilted her head—more like gave it a nudge, trying to get her to do it on her own because he didn’t want to force her if she didn’t want to. But Elodie found herself lifting her gaze, lips pressing together as her eyes met Calum’s inviting brown ones. “Don’t mistake Nathan’s actions for your own. What you’ve done has allowed you to be yourself unapologetically. You’re out. You’re—”

“Happier,” Elodie finished quietly, feeling that weight lift from her shoulders with every word Calum spoke, no longer suffocating her. Her eyes remained on his as a smile tugged at her lips, hands slipping into the single front pocket of Calum’s hoodie to keep him close. Almost sheepishly, she decided to add, “Safer.”

Maybe it was too soon, maybe she was taking a leap, but that’s how she felt when she was around Calum—safe. Like being herself wasn’t something she actively had to hold back in worry of bothering him, because he liked who she was. He liked that her coffee order differed depending on the time of day she got it because she liked the inconsistency, he liked that at least one article of clothing she wore had to have some kind of floral design, he liked that she was only active on Instagram once a month to post an aesthetically pleasing picture she’d taken before closing the app until the next month arrived. It was all little things that were probably insignificant, but Calum liked them not out of his own personal preference—but because Elodie liked them in herself. And that meant more than Elodie could comprehend.

He let her be herself without fault in the near two months he’d known her than the six months she’d been with Nathan. Calum came into her life like storm and instead of wrecking it, he somehow managed to help clear a path so Elodie could fix it herself.

Elodie let out a breath, throat working as she said to him earnestly, albeit timidly, “I don’t mean to bring the mood down bringing up these. . . Insecurities.”

“You don’t ever bring the mood down, sweetheart,” came Calum’s genuine response, lips curling into the soft smile he had reserved just for her, the one that sent her heart leaping. “You make it worthwhile. C’mere.”

He pulled her in for a hug then, his embrace just as tender as his words as his arms wrapped around her frame, and Elodie pulled her hands out of Calum’s hoodie’s pocket to wrap them around his waist. She closed her eyes, cheek against the area just below his chest because God knows she can’t reach it, and lost herself in his familiar cologne and touch. Elodie felt Calum’s lips press to the top of her head before he rested his uninjured cheek against it, and she sank into his hug, into him, as his tranquility seeped into her bones.

Calum rubbed his hand up and down her back soothingly, the two of them standing in a tender silence, before he murmured, “Come on, dinner’s almost ready.”

Elodie smiled as they pulled away, and she shrugged off her coat before following him into the open plan kitchen. It was there where she saw a pot of pasta boiling on the stove, as well as the other ingredients sitting on the counter ready to be cooked. She followed Calum, a smile tugging at her lips when she noted the boneless and skinned chicken breasts, baby spinach, garlic, parmesan, and a bunch of other ingredients waiting to be prepped.

Her heart was thrumming happily in her chest, eyes alight at the sight before her as Calum picked up the bottle of red wine on the counter and poured some for Elodie and himself. “I thought you weren’t much of a wine drinker,” she hummed as she neared him, gladly taking the glass he offered her. She remembered one of the many conversations they had as they got to know each other, found out that he preferred some good whiskey or maybe even a beer to wine.

“I am around you,” he responded with a smirk, and Elodie giggled lightly as he clinked his glass with hers before the two of them took sips of the bittersweet drink. She smiled around the rim of the glass as Calum shot her a wink over his, before lowering his and moving to go back to the other counter where the stove is. “’M making us some Tuscan chicken and spinach pasta.”

“Sounds delicious,” Elodie hummed, glass still in hand as she moved towards him, leaning against the counter but making sure she didn’t get in his way as she asked, “Can I help?”

There wasn’t much he needed for her to do, so Elodie just stood by Calum and sipped her wine as he worked—eventually he cleared some space on the counter so she could hop up, and Elodie crossed her ankles as she watched him make dinner. There was music softly playing throughout the apartment, songs similar to those she heard in the tattoo parlor, and Elodie gently swayed her head to the music and drank her wine and made conversation with the first man to ever actually make her food.

She may have snapped a picture of Calum cooking the seasons chicken, his gaze on the skillet while an amused grin quirked at his lips, aware of what she was doing. But Elodie couldn’t help it—he looked so at ease as he made the food, which had been his idea in the first place. He was the one who’d invited Elodie over to his place, told her he’d make them dinner and they could hang out, and she recalled the way her heart had melted when he offered to cook. The mere fact that he could and liked to cook was enough to have Elodie rushing over. Nevermind the fact that she loved spending time with him anyway.

They made light conversation; she talked about what she was learning in her lectures plus the new charities she brought up to her family for their foundation to support, while he disclosed the tattoos he’d just done plus a few sketches that he drew. It slipped Elodie’s mind that as a tattoo artist, Calum was also an artist, that many of the tattoos he gave his clients were ones they’d picked from his own designs. She wondered if any of the ones he had were of his own making, still wanted to sit down and ask him about every single one of the words and images inking his skin.

“I wish I was good at something,” Elodie sighed after taking another sip of the wine. She was already a glass and a half in, and it was safe to say she was beginning to feel the lightheadedness that came with drinking it. Her skin was beginning to feel warm, a happy flush on her cheeks, as she pouted. Calum had put the pasta in a big bowl and was mixing in the chicken and spinach and everything else. He quirked an eyebrow at the slight drawl her words were adopting. “All I do is go to school and cry.”

Calum knew he shouldn’t laugh, but he couldn’t help the amused chortle escape him as he glanced over at Elodie with raised eyebrows, the fondness he felt for her warming his heart as he continued tossing the pasta. “You know that’s not true, doll,” he told her knowingly. “You’re good at working your family’s foundation. Aren’t you the one that researches and brings in the charities and organizations you guys support?”

“Well, yeah.” Elodie’s eyebrows furrowed almost childishly, a small pout forming on her lips that Calum felt the urge to kiss. He finished with the pasta, hot and ready to eat, as he took the two steps to the other side of the stove where Elodie sat. She looked up at him, and he noticed the slight glaze over her eyes. “But I feel like I could be doing more.”

“You’re already doing more than most,” Calum told her, coming to a stop in front of her and feeling a smirk curve his lips as Elodie automatically unlocked her ankles and spread her legs just enough for him to step into the space they created. Calum braced his hands on the cool marble counter on either side of her thighs, careful of his bruised knuckles, and enjoyed the scent of her floral perfume that briefly overpowered the food he’d cooked. But Calum focused on her, and the hints of doubt seeping into Elodie in regards to her worth, and he was bitterly reminded of what Nathan had said. Calum wasn’t going to let any spiteful thing that bastard said come true in any way, so he quickly derailed that train of thought in Elodie’s mind. “You, my darling, are better than most people I’ve met. That’s a fact.”

Her cheeks pinkened more than they already were, and Elodie felt her heart flutter happily in her chest. Every time Calum complimented her, she felt the air rushing out of her lungs, incredulous that his words made her feel ten times lighter than how awfully Nathan’s words impacted her. Elodie rested her nearly empty wine glass on the counter, hand coming up to cup Calum’s uninjured jaw and feeling his warm skin under her touch as she told him, honestly and genuinely, “You’re too good to me. That’s a fact.”

“Baby,” Calum breathed, raspy and shiver inducing as he brushed his nose against hers. There it was, that sweet little term that had butterflies exploding in her belly. Calum’s gaze was on hers, never afraid to look her in the eye, as he said, “You’re too good for me. That’s a fact.”

Elodie’s heart jumped, eyes dropping to his lips, just inches away from hers. She barely gave a shake of her head. “Nope.” And then closed the gap to capture his lips with hers.

Calum welcomed the kiss wholeheartedly, a throaty hum sounding in his throat as he moved his lips with Elodie’s and briefly gripped her hips before sliding his hands lower to bury them in the back pockets of her jeans. Elodie felt him pull her closer with his new grip, her lips parting when his tongue trailed across her lower lip, deepening the kiss as the taste of wine remained present on both of them. Her heart drummed in her chest as her own hands slid under Calum’s sweatshirt, his lack of shirt underneath allowing her hands to run along his smooth, warm skin, her touch instinctively causing Calum to give her a cheeky squeeze.

There was dinner waiting for them, Elodie knew that, was excited to take a bite of what Calum had made for them, but Elodie was enjoying the feel and taste of Calum’s lips and how warm he felt against her. She couldn’t help the way she dragged her nails down the length of his back, felt an uncharacteristic smirk tilt at her lips against Calum’s when he deepened the kiss with a deep moan that Elodie swore vibrated through her. He sounded as good as he felt.

Calum leaned into her and Elodie’s heart picked up even more, pounding in her ears because this closeness wasn’t enough; she needed more, craved it, wanting nothing in between them as her lips felt electric against his. Everything else began slipping away, her focus only being on the man who was kissing her like it was the last thing he’d get to do, yet still Elodie tried against her better judgement, “The food’ll get cold.”

Her words were mumbled against Calum’s mouth, and he merely grunted as his hands slipped out of her pockets only to grip the backs of her thighs, giving Elodie no warning as he lifted her. She let out a startled gasp, both at the action and the trickle of worry of his injured hand, but Calum’s teeth grazing her lower lip easily distracted her as she locked her ankles at his lower back and wrapped her arms around his neck as Calum said gruffly, “We’ll reheat it.”

Elodie wasn’t entirely sure how, she was too lost in the way her legs were hooked so perfectly around Calum and how he kissed her so fiercely, like he was putting everything into it, but they eventually ended up in a different room. She barely registered the sound of Calum kicking a door shut, eyes closed to completely savor the taste of his lips, kissing off the wine he’d also drank as Calum sank down until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. Hands returning to the hem of Calum’s sweatshirt, Elodie gripped it and pulled it upwards, the material offending and distancing, their kiss breaking only for a moment as she tugged it over his head and let out a breathless giggle when Calum’s one hand reached the back of it to take it all the way off and dropped it on the floor, lips returning to hers urgently.

Her heart thundered as they kissed, his stubble scratching her deliciously as she ran her hands from his neck down his chest, feeling the smoothness of his warm skin and the brief chill of the necklace that he seemingly never left the house without. The need to feel close to him was desperate, and Elodie was quickly losing herself into Calum as she used her nimble fingers to undo the buttons of her blouse, Calum’s hands gripping her hips as she shrugged off the cotton material. Calum’s hands slid up, feeling her bare warm skin, the kiss breaking to allow them to catch their breaths as his gaze dropped.

Their chests heaved in time with their quickened hearts, foreheads and noses pressed together and lips electric as Calum’s gaze dropped to Elodie’s newly exposed skin, throat drying at the sight of her in just a bra and jeans. The quiet of the room was interrupted only by their heavy breaths, and as Elodie’s right hand placed itself on the back of his neck, fingers playing with the growing dark hair, her other dancing along the necklace resting against his tattooed collarbones, she felt the warmth of his hands spread through her body.

Calum ran his hands up and down the smooth skin of her back, the tips of his fingers grazing the band of her bra, and his voice was hoarse as he whispered, “El, are you sure?”

She felt the corners of her lips quirk up, felt the electricity thrumming her veins and the obvious desire of how badly Calum wanted to keep going as she remained straddling his lap, and Elodie decided she didn’t want to shy away from this. From Calum. He never gave her a reason to, so she wouldn’t.

Elodie brushed her lips against Calum’s kissed ones, cheeks warming when he tilted his chin forward to kiss her properly. “Only if you are.”

And then she grinded her hips down on him, a gesture neither of them had been expecting, and Calum’s grip on her tightened, uncaring of his bruised knuckles, as he cursed through gritted teeth, “Fuck.”

She was killing him, he knew, as she pulled him in for another kiss before breaking away too soon. Calum groaned at the loss, eyes opening as he felt Elodie get off of him. He looked up at her, feeling a haze of adoration as he watched her with her long hair falling over shoulders, a not-so-innocent smile playing at her kiss pinkened lips, eyes on him as her fingers worked on the button and zipper of her jeans. Calum’s throat tightened as she kicked the jeans off, only a pretty lingerie set adorning her body that Calum couldn’t wait to take off.

The pout she sent his way nearly had Calum falling to his knees, her long hair falling around her shoulders as she gestured at him with a finger. “You’re wearing too many clothes,” Elodie said, her voice holding her usual sweet lilt, though Calum wasn’t deaf to the playful glimmer in her dark eyes. She continued to surprise him.

He smirked through a chuckle, pulling his lower lip into his mouth while his gaze remained on his girl, watching her watch him as he took off his sweatpants, the smirk wiping off his face when Elodie settled on her knees in the space between his legs and her gentle touch wrapped around his cock.

Calum’s hooded gaze was watching Elodie, feeling his heart in his throat as she closed her mouth around him, and he was in fucking heaven. His uninjured hand, braced behind him, tightened the bed sheets into a fist while the other easily gathered Elodie’s hair behind her head, his own lips parting at the sight of hers around him. The sensation of her hand working what she couldn’t fit in her warm mouth, nails of the other teasingly dragging along the top of his thigh as she worked him over.

“Shit.” It was all he was capable of breathing out, voice ragged and unsteady, the need to throw his head back and get lost in Elodie’s treatment of him heavy, but Calum didn’t want to take his eyes off of her. His fingers tangled in her soft hair, the blood rushing through his veins and thundering heart accompanying the fire spreading throughout his body.

The sight of Elodie on her knees before him was filthy, gorgeous, unexpected and perfect in every way. Calum could feel just how quickly she was pulling him to the edge, her mouth generous and dizzyingly pleasurable. But as pretty as she was before him, Calum knew he was going to come undone if she continued her ministrations, and he wanted to let go for the first time inside of her—not in her mouth.

“What?” Elodie pouted when Calum pulled her up, the loss of her making him grunt as his hands grasped her hips. She let out a startled sound amidst a giggle as Calum used his grip on her to turn them so she fell back onto the bed, Calum immediately sliding his body on top of hers as his lips pressed against hers urgently. He felt her melt under him, her hands running up the expanse of his back before her fingers found his short hair, keeping him close. Calum’s own hand snuck underneath her to unclasp her bra, ignoring the mild sting of his injured fingers at the action as Elodie lowered her arms briefly to slide off the straps before the offending material was gone.

He felt her breasts press against his chest, soft and supple on his warm skin as he kissed her, losing himself in her. Hastily, though not entirely sure how, Calum reached over to his bedside drawer, blindly pulling it open and rummaging around, lips still moving against Elodie’s, until his fingers finally grasped the foil package he’d been searching for.

There was an overwhelming, breathless desire to have her close to him, closer than she already was; to have her against him in all the right ways because it already felt so natural, so good, to be with her like this. The urgency of his kisses slowed, savoring the taste of her chapstick and the wine dancing on both of their tongues as he committed every bit of her to memory while tearing open the packet, ignoring the twinge in his bruised knuckles at the action. God. The last thing he thought was he’d be doing this with Elodie, finally, with a few bruises painting his skin.

She’d taken her underwear off during the moments of Calum rolling on the condom, hissing slightly at the latex against him, forehead pressed to Elodie’s as their heavy breathing became the soundtrack of their anticipation. His gaze lowered, lining himself up to where she needed him most, and in the midst of their excited breathing and hazy heads, Calum’s eyes met Elodie’s once more.

He looked at her, hovering over her as he took in the pretty flush of her cheeks, the already blissed out look in her eyes and lips pink and kissed. Calum’s heart was erratic within his chest, taking her in as he, in that moment, couldn’t help but think how lucky he was. His disbelief and overwhelm could be heard in his heavy breaths, could see Elodie’s own excitement in the rise and fall of her chest and tension of her neck, the diamond pendant of her necklace settled right between her collarbones. She was breathtaking, and Calum was so fucking lucky.

He couldn’t help himself by pressing his lips to hers once more, a slow and lasting kiss that had Elodie’s grip on the back of his neck tightening, wanting him close. Calum lined himself up to her, about to break the kiss just so he could hear her approval, only to be beaten to the punch as Elodie begged against his lips, “Please.”

His hips thrust forward, the sensation of him burying herself in her leaving both of them gasping for air, Elodie clinging to him and Calum groaning into the crook of her neck, feeling the subtle sting of his bruise, though it barely registered. Elodie wrapped her legs around his hips, and Calum’s hand gripped her thigh, uncaring of the strain on his fingers. Nothing mattered except for Elodie. As if there was anything else on his mind.

He started off slow, pulling out before burying himself to the hilt once more, feeling and hearing Elodie’s breath hitch at the sensation of him filling her up, his free arm next to her to keep himself above her. It was a symphony of his grunts and her breathless moans and skin slapping against skin and utterly losing themselves in one another. His motions were fluid and she received him completely, and Calum couldn’t keep himself from marking up her neck as he felt her nails digging into his back.

He could feel himself quickly reaching his high, but Calum fought himself, refusing to come undone until Elodie did first, no matter how difficult it felt after her mouth had worked him over. Praises fell past his lips, effortless in her worship, everything about her continuing to draw him closer and closer to the edge.

And when they lay in bed after the fact, utterly spent as they tried to catch their breaths with only one of his bedsheets covering them, there was a mutual, silent understanding between them that this was. . . Perfect. That laying in bed, warm bodies bare and pressed together under the sheet, with her head laying on his chest and his arm wrapped around her, was a flawless and blissful image they both had yearned for.

Elodie’s fingers danced with his, gaze on the way she gently turned his hand to look at the mild discoloration of his knuckles. The reminder that he was injured, no matter how insignificant Calum paints it to be, because of someone in her life still ate away at Elodie. But she’d be lying if she said there wasn’t a prickle of satisfaction, of adoration, that he wasn’t afraid of standing up for her. He defended her so easily when it took her so long to do so herself, and Elodie liked to think it was her having a wake up call of her own mixed in with a bit of courage from Calum himself that allowed her to be in the position she was in today. She counted herself so lucky that she went to the tattoo parlor with Dominique that day.

“I’m alright, y’know.” Calum’s voice was a low rasp from above her, and Elodie could feel the vibration of him speaking as her head remained against his chest. The way she was caressing his knuckles probably prompted him to speak up. “Doesn’t hurt or anythin’.”

Elodie bit her lower lip, which kind of still tingled from his dizzying kisses. As their fingers gently laced together, she surmised, “You’re just saying that so I won’t feel bad.”

“Hey.” There was a soft disapproving tone in his voice, hand snaking around her to tilt her chin up. Her dark eyes met his after briefly eyeing the bruise on his cheek, and there was a subtle crease between his eyebrows as he said, “I wouldn’t lie to you. And there’s nothing for you to feel bad about. He’s an ass and if I could break his nose again, I would.”

Elodie couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped her at Nathan’s expense, the sound quirking up Calum’s lips as well as Elodie looked at him. His lips were as kissed as hers, a pretty flush on his cheeks that she knew was warming her own, and there was a contentment present in her chest that she only ever felt around him. It was enough to push all thoughts of her ex out of her head, irritated with herself for even having a single thought about him. The mere mention of him was a disservice to herself and Calum and the relationship they’d come to have.

So she sat up, pressing the sheet to her chest with one hand, Calum’s arm falling from around her shoulders as he looked at her now seated figure with raised eyebrows. “Come on—” she smiled, grabbing his hand. “I wanna try the pasta.”

Calum chuckled deeply, not one to say no as he followed her off the bed. He put his sweatpants back on as Elodie pulled up her underwear, taking Calum’s hoodie as he offered it to her before following him back into the kitchen. Duke raised his head from where he was on the couch, jumping off as his paws clattered on the floor and followed them as they helped themselves to the dinner Calum had made, needing to heat it up just like he’d said after he poured Duke his food as well.

They ended up on the couch, flickering the TV on with warm plates in their laps with The Office keeping them entertained. And as they watched and ate, Elodie couldn’t help but let her gaze wander to the man sitting on the other end of the couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table. Her fork absently played with the pasta on her plate, too distracted by Calum; she felt her heart flutter in her chest, tickling, as she admired the way he laughed at the show, enough to push his cheeks up, uncaring of his bruise, and show off the crinkles by his eyes. He sat shirtless, tattoos on full display, bicep looking a bit too inviting as he held the plate with his left hand above his lap.

Just sitting here brought Elodie a sense of tranquility she’d never felt before, a warmth spreading across her skin as she took in a quiet breath. It was thrilling, how happy he made her, so easily and effortlessly. No wonder she was so willing to accept just how quickly she’d fallen in love with him.

tags: @irwinkitten @sweetcherrymike @meetashthere @valentinelrh @softforcal @astroashtonio @hereforlukescruff @novacanecalum @captain-what-is-going-on @angelbbycal @singt0mecalum @hopelessxcynic @lfwallscouldtalk @bodhi-black @findingliam-o @softlrh @calntynes @calumsmermaid @erikamarie41 @quintodosuniversos @longlastingdaydream @babylon-corgis @lukehemmingsunflower @imfuckin10plybud @pastelpapermoons @conquerwhatliesahead92 @rotten-kandy @metangi @neigcthood @ohhmuke @old-zeppelin-shirt @5sos-and-hessa @trustmeimawhalebiologist @vxlentinecal @pettybassists @vaporshawn @lu-my-golden-boi @visualm3nte @isabella-mae13 @dontjinx-it @lifeakaharry @neonweeknds @antisocialbandmate @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave @calpalbby @grreatgooglymoogly @sunnysidesblog @gorgeouslygrace @cocktail-calum @miahelizaaabeth @madelynerin @dramallamawithsparkles @theagenderwhocriedwolf @kaytiebug14 @hoodskillerqueen @bitchinbabylon @empathycth @xhaileyreneex @inlovehoodx @calistheloml @aestheticrelated @bloodlinecal @sublimehood @madbomb @raabiac @britnicole11 @outofmylimitcal @fluffsshawn @bloodmoonashton @vxidhood @tea4sykes @lukeinblue

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another-fangirl · 3 years

Text

check in tag ✔️

Was tagged by @happygirl327, thank you! ^^ <3

why did you choose your url?

A few years back whenever my brother got mad at me, he would always say something like “whatever, you only care about bands”. He’s right.

any side blogs? if you have them name them and why you have them.

Don’t have any.

how long have you been on tumblr?

Since 2015.

do you have a queue tag?

Nope.

why did you start your blog in the first place?

To suit my fangirling needs mostly.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

When I was 9-ish, I was on a Hungarian Guns N’ Roses forum (unfortunately it doesn’t exist anymore. rip :c ) and I had the same profile picture. It just felt right to use it here as well. And I l o v e this pic of Axl.

why did you choose your header?

I thought it was neat.

what's your post with the most notes?

I have one (1) post only, a meme about RZK. It has a total of 26 notes. (It started to “blow up” a few days ago, which is a little bit funny for me bc I posted it in 2019. Hopefully by 2055 it will have 50 notes haha)

how many mutuals do you have?

I don’t really know.. What I know is that all of my followers are sweethearts. :3

how many followers do you have?

108

how many people do you follow?

225 (half of them are inactive so yea)

have you ever made a shitpost?

If my RZK meme counts (I believe it does but I don’t really know, I’m too old for this shit lol), then yes.

how often do you use tumblr each day?

It depends. If I’m on a summer break then for about 2-3 hours daily. If I need to concentrate on my studies then less. There are some days when I don’t log in because I don’t have the time or simply forget to do so.

did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Nope, I’m too old for drama.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

I don’t know. Guilt tripping someone into reblogging something is not cool in my opinion. Some people use this site to have a break, not to feel anxious about not reblogging something. Yes, some posts might be important to reblog but those ‘you need to reblog this or your grandma dies in 10 days’ posts are straight up bullshit.

do you like tag games?

Yes I do.

do you like ask games?

Yes, but I stopped reblogging them because I’m not that tumblr famous to get more than 2 asks lol.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I have no clue.

do you have a crush on a mutual?

No.

tags?

@halozinogena @whateveryousay-dude @mckagan @heartless--madness @ofmemesandbands @gabibakos @p0plife

#thanks again <3

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riskeith · 3 years

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happy weekend dearest!

other than the snow angels, i haven’t done much.,, just been cozying it up with coffee and blankets at home hehe. 30 degrees... amazing. ideal feeling like a rotisserie chicken weather. 😌 bc of global warming we’ve been having some great summers these past few years. it even gets to 30 degrees as well which was unheard of tbh.

you’re so cute for caring ilysm <3 and aaa! a walk! do you have any perticular place you enjoy walking to or does the winds guide you, hehe? EDITING A FIC... 👀 i’m looking respectfully...... 👀 wait did the event open up for you already? i tried to play it earlier today but it wasn’t there yet... the lost riches one right?

bennett is best boy i still can’t believe it either!!! he’s seriously the cutest he just makes me so happy. when i need to explore and run around i always run with him bc i love his lines so much. what a bebie. you should go for it there are still some days left! + he’s a four star so he’s easier to get. GUOBA IS SO FUNNY he’s just.... a little fucking bear i can’t stop laughing... tbh the little creatures like amber’s bunny too just 😭 have you seen those yt clips of them dancing? obsession..

i need to ask you this bc when i found out i lost my mind: did you know that the japanese va for razor is also the va for tsukishima (haikyuu) and shigaraki (bnha)???? insane!!! it made me consider switch to japanese dub tbh.. which dub do you use?

maybe i’ll send you a little part and you can read or something shdkdhskdjdjf help 😳 it’s not edited or anything so it might take a while plus i’m super into writing bnha these days so.... but hey if You have any prompts you want to read maybe i’ll write a drabble for you. i don’t mind at all! <33333 ask for anything!!

(FIC-COLLAB!!:!/$:)!:&//&/!$:’sidnd HELP.... omg what kind of fic would we write....?)

exactly! i think when you realize that there’s nothing keeping you there anymore that brings you joy, that’s when you need to step back. social media is a bit fucked up that way imo. like you want to be there to be informed and to have fun but it takes so much.. hm. also you always tell me this but i wanna tell you to that YOU are the reason i enjoy social media these days so.. thank you <3

you relate to bakugou and lance? that’s super hot of you.. 🥵 my wifey is a self assured, super intense and talented person.. couldn’t ask for better tbh. i think out of them both i’m pretty much like todoroki.. we’re super similar in so many ways now that i think about it shsjdhdhdj.. how about we just stay c.r and m.a our dynamic is perfect as is LMAO

DOUBLE VENTI! I’D LOOOOVE THAT FOR US. bow users are difficult indeed but venti is one of the easier bow users it feels like... idk watching others game play he doesn’t have as much pushback as say amber for example. 12K PRIMOGEMS..... babe you’re getting your xiao!!!!!! how long have you been saving? also i seriously don’t mind if it comes down to it hakshddkhd i can be your genshin sugar mommy... ;) imagine a c6 venti though that seems insane. literal insanity.

SPEAKING OF SHIPPING.... THE POST YOU POSTED... THEY STOLE OUR IDEA AND IT LOOKS SO CUTE AND ITS CHONGYUN AND XINGYUN WHICH IS EVEN BETTER... THEY LOOK SOOOOO CUTE TOGETHER I’M OBSESSEDDDDD!!!! <3333 dude idk how but we are doing that co-op date somehow i’m super inspired i want that for us so badly... (also i need to say smth... my love language is when people say ‘i thought of you when i...’ and the fact that you said that just hsjdfhjdjdksk shit)

actually you’re right.. the only way we’d get a sequel is if they did something with the mfe fighters.. like kinkade james veronica nadia and ina. idk how attractive that would be tho...

i’m a lady, my dearest *dips* no but my pronouns are she/her!! sorry i didn’t mention it before i thought i made it clear shsjsjdkdj. ty for asking tho ♥️ super sweet!

AAA!!!!!!!!!! EEE!! i’m super super excited. if it’s like,, too public and you don’t just wanna post it i might think about exposing myself or smth... if that would make you more comfy. no matter what you do i’m just gonna be here buzzing, *hinata voice* one more one more one more.

oh!! i listen to everything but kpop sjdjdkdhdk i did have a semi-phase around like 2014-19 ish but dropped it pretty hard . now i have no clue what goes on there anymore i mostly enjoy rnb indie n rap/hip.. my gay ass was considering making a little playlist or smth for u but i want to make it with songs You’d like so i might pull up my old kpop faves hehe..

guess chilling is out of the question then, heh. hope you slept well!! i’m gonna try to wake up earlier so we’ll have a chance to send more messages during the weekend perhaps... mwah!!

YOURS, m.a. <3

happy weekend!!!! hope you can ease up a bit since there’s no school hehe

“feeling like a rotisserie chicken weather” FHSKFHKSDF yes!! but it honestly sucks when it gets any hotter bc we don’t have central cooling in our house so rip... and my laptop fan goes crazy ahaha. 30 degrees being unheard of.. can’t relate! fsdfjs. have you guys had to adjust to those changing temperatures? rip climate change tho :’(

<333 i do!! i usually walk to the local park and then the streets around that.. omg speaking of... do you play pokemon go? DHAFKHSDKFHSKDFHKSDH i got back into it again recently ahaha. it’s for a free bakudeku zine!! hehehe it’s out at the end of jan so 👀

i just checked and the event is open !!!!!!!!! good luck hehe !

yup lost riches!! and the event opens at 4am server time, so since i’m in asia i get it earlier hehe which colour seelie are you gonna go for tho omg i was debating it with my friend last night.. i’m gonna pick gold!!

baby bennett!! that’s true but i can’t risk getting a 5 star otherwise my pity will reset for xiao fhdskfhskjfhkjshkfj next time :(((( but albedo /is/ super pretty and i see a lot of people saying they like him... NO !!! xiao only >:( no omg i don’t think i’ve seen those clips ? is it mmd where they like dance to other songs and stuff ahah

yes i did!!!! and the VA for diluc is giorno from jjba and kuroko from knb!! omg wait and venti’s VA is hinata did you know that? fun fact i guessed it was him when i first heard his voice LOL that’s my secret talent 😩 and i use japanese dub!! i’ve considered using chinese too bc i can understand it but i just like the japanese voice actors tbh and also i can excuse it as “listening practice” AHAH

yes pls!! sending something bnha is fine too, or legit anything else lmao i’m open arms over here~~ 🤗👐 and ooft... it’s hard thinking of prompts that’s why i always ask others HSDKFJHSDKFHSD but i’ll let you know if i think of something!!!

(no clue!!!! but we could each write from a character’s POV so hopefully it’s more consistent 🤪🤪 idk i have no clue how fic collabs work AHAHA)

yeahhh one of my mutuals said “social media is a curse” and honestly hard agree.. we’re all kinda trapped in a way LMAO. and no pls don’t thank me.. you’re the one who found me first 😩�� ily..

FSDHKJFS pls you’re making me blush come on 😳😳 but yes i love that for us... m.a. x c.r. the only valid ship 😩

woooo!!!! yeah you’re probably right, like given the fact he’s a 5 star his mechanics are probably different.. i know that diluc’s charged attack is different to the other claymore users so! IM GETTING MY XIAO!!!! and hm i’ve been saving since the middle of zhongli banner! so december 10 ish around then? dragonspine was a blessing tbh i reckon i got sooo many primogems from that. FGJKSHFKJSDHFKSDHSHKJFH my genshin sugar mummy 🥵🥵 c6 venti unstoppable..

AHAHAHA YEAH THEY LOOK /SO/ CUTE TOGETHER!!! i wonder how they got so many of the images tho like they must’ve been so in sync?!?!? ugh that could be us but no cross-server co-op be playin’.. (fhdskjfhdskjfhs um!! noted for future reference 🤪)

omg them.. i always forget about them LMAOOOOOOOOO ugh. actually i wouldn’t be mad if we got a prequel of like when keith was in the garrison... or even when shiro was with adam... ugh so much they could’ve given us and they chose not to

*waggles eyebrows* well hello there, m’lady ;) and it’s fine fhdskjf i had some inklings but didn’t wanna assume ya know? ahah :p

no!! it’s all g, i’ve thought about posting it before anyway. like, just releasing all of my WIPs and letting people do what they want with them HAAHA. (i could also just put the link under a read more and less people would see it, so it’s no biggie!) fkdshfkjs the hinata impression omg precious <33

FJHFDSKJ awks ahah which groups were you into tho! if it’s not like scarring for you to think back to LOL. and oooo i like indie too! i think.. or is it alt? honestly i don’t even know, tbh my music taste is pretty diverse and a mess, i can usually listen to a lot of things. except slow songs i don’t really like those hfdskj. and i don’t like rap too much either FHSDKJS whenever my friend gives me a rec i’m just like “oh i liked the singing parts in that” FDSKJF. a playlist tho huh 😳🥺

and pls!! if the weekend is your only chance to sleep in then do it.. for me 😩 i’ve been legit waking up at 12pm these past few days FKJHSKDF idek why like i’m sleeping 10 hours?? yikes. but as always i shall be waiting for your response <3 💌

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

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hobiwonder · 5 years

Text

kiss my soul | (m)

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader

Genre: Smut. Incubus!Namjoon.

Warnings: Unprotected sex, exhibitionism, dirty talk, marijuana use, first time, unrealistically good first time bc it’s namjoon and he’s a demon lol

Summary: Namjoon needed a fix. He needed it fast before the consequences were fatal.

a/n: it’s here finally. i hope you guys semi enjoy this! let me know what you think and don’t forget to check out other stories in this collab :) this was a last minute story lol rbfgbieeifhwkf. I incorporated the first time request in this story as well.

“You sure you don’t want to come? I heard everyone is going.” Soobin is wiggling her eyebrows at you while she rummages through the same pile of clothes for the tenth time, probably thinking she’ll come across something new.

“That’s what you say every time.” You try not to be rude and roll your eyes at her but it was true. This wasn’t the first party she had said the exact same thing about. Finally grabbing the little black dress she’d been eyeing, she’s plopping on the bed next to you, almost knocking over your laptop.

“Yeah but, this time everyone will be there. Like, the seniors, football team and,” she hesitates slightly but not out of fear or uncertainty, “Kim Namjoon.” She whispers his name like it was a secret that only a few people knew in murmurs and gossip. Maybe that’s why it sends a slight shiver down your spine hearing the campus dealer’s name again. He was definitely not the crowd you mingled with. Or knew how to mingle with.

“So? It’s not like I know him…” Of course, Soobin won’t leave it alone, only sighing in exasperation when she didn’t really need to be this dramatic.

“And you never will if you stay cooped up in this room! Come on! Just go this once? You need some friends.”

“I have friends.” Your mumble is barely tangible but she has probably memorised the shape of your lips whenever they form these exact same words.

“Other than me.” Her glare can be felt on your back – that you’ve turned as she changes. She doesn’t mind you watching but you definitely did. You wouldn’t want anyone seeing you naked while you change so god knows how she can handle it.

“You know that I don’t really have problems with just one friend, right? This is why-”

“-Why you started mid-year so you wouldn’t have to be forced into making friends yeah yeah.” She’s waving her hand in dismissal but you only send her a sweet smile.

“See? You get it. Now go and have fun drinking, dancing and… whatever it is that you do there.” Soobin just scoffs at your nonchalant shrug, curling her hair while she watches you in the mirror.

After about 3 minutes, you’re starting to get jittery at her stares. “Okay, what?”

“If you go to one party with me I won’t annoy you anymore.” Exhaling, you’re actually kind of considering this. Maybe you can get her off your back about being ‘out there’ if you just show up to one.

“Fine. I’ll go but-” her face is lighting up like a hundred watt bulb until you put up your finger to slow down whatever plan is running through her head. “Not today. The next one.”

She’s shrieking as she lunges for you, hugging you tightly like you told her she won a million dollars or something. “I can accept that. Eee! I’m so excited.”

Her excitement is a little contagious and for some reason you feel yourself looking forward to actually going. Maybe it won’t be that bad after all. As long as you had her to guide you through. This was not your forte and you’d never been to any sort of party other than prom.

“Promise you won’t ditch me? I have never been to a party before.” You figured there was no way of hiding that fact anymore and judging by her face she probably expected it too.

“I won’t! But I honestly can’t understand how you’ve been so oblivious to the social side of college or even high school. Did you guys not have parties?”

“Well, my town was pretty small. And my mom is very,” you try to find the right words that don’t sound as harsh as they did in your mind, “conservative. So I didn’t really do much back home.” Shrugging your shoulders, you feel the wave of nostalgia crash when you remember the simpler life back home a couple hours from your university and even a slight disdain for your mother for keeping you so sheltered that just even the thought of attending a gathering of people outside of class gave you anxiety.

“Hey, it’s okay. This is college and you’re far away from your mom. So, time to do everything that you were told not to.” Her eyebrows are wiggling again and you can’t help but laugh at her goofy face.

“No thanks. I’ll stick to trying to have my first drink. Or not. I hope I don’t die.” Could one die from having a drink of alcohol in their 20s? Was that too late?

“Oh stop. You’ll be fine. You have to try everything once okay?” you opt for paying attention to the laptop screen as you take notes from the lecture that you missed.

“Y/N!”

“Fine! Gosh. As long as they aren’t narcotics, I’ll… give it a try? Wait not. I’m scared.” You lean back, making a horrified face when the image of you passed out on some fraternity’s couch floods your brain. Okay maybe you have a completely wrong perception of college culture.

“No need to.” Soobin is getting up to finish up her makeup as she continues. “As long as you get the stuff from Namjoon, you’ll be on cloud 9 babe. He’s the real deal.”

In the few months you’ve been here, you’ve heard the mysterious name more than a dozen times and all those times, it had been in whispers. You had yet to see him up close because the glimpse you got the other week while you were coming back to your dorm from the pharmacy was too good to be true. All his angles had been sharp as glass, lips plump and made you bite yours, body proportions that you’d only seen on super models in the many magazines Soobin read. He was so beautiful you’d stopped in your tracks until your eyes had locked with his own, catching you staring at him like a fool. You remembered the way all the blood in your body had rushed to your cheeks and yet, all this movement of your blood in your body didn’t translate in to your limbs moving with it. You’d been frozen on spot, looking back in to his dark eyes until Soobin had clutched your arm, shrieking in your ear about Kim Namjoon.

Maybe you saw him at night so he looked better than he actually was? You’re hoping that’s true because you’re not sure you can really enjoy a party he’s at since your body seems to grow restless around his presence. It’s like it knows that Namjoon is in close proximity. He makes your blood sing and you want nothing more than to get closer.

“Who exactly.. is he?” Soobin is taking in a sharp breath as if just remembering him brings her great gratification.

“He’s a senior in Music. Resident dealer that has a seemingly endless supply of weed. But he adds something to it. No one knows what it is but it’s damn good. Plus, he only sleeps with you if it’s your first time. In fact, I lost my virginity to him. It was almost…. Supernatural.”

Her sigh of contentment is very telling when she doesn’t say anything else for the next few minutes, seeming to be in deep thought remembering the said moment. Your own cheeks are going red at the mention of losing virginity because you certainly haven’t lost yours yet.

“What if it’s harmful? Do people not care?” She shrugs again.

“Nothing has happening to anyone yet. His older brother dealt the same thing. Plus, it’s not like he’s forcing you to take it. Unsurprisingly, his clientele is mostly females since most of the guys hate that he pulls.”

“That sounds very cliché. Hot guy every other guy hates and every girl loves? There must be a catch.”

“There is. I just told you about it. He only sleeps with virgins.” She’s pouting at you like it’s such a great inconvenience for her that she isn’t.

“But why?” You couldn’t seem to wrap your head around the fact that a very experienced man would want to sleep with very inexperienced women. You thought it was the exact opposite?

“I don’t know.” She seems to be thinking over that fact for the first time too. Like she hadn’t questioned it before. “I don’t know of anyone who’s slept with him twice. Oh other than Hyuna. Though she’s hot on another level so I can see why he would say yes to her. I’d totally bang her.”

Your cheeks are screaming once again at the mention of the – yes, insanely attractive – female. She seemed to hang around that crowd too since you never really saw her outside of that group. Only glimpses.

“Are they dating by any chance?” While you talk to Soobin, you open another tab on your laptop, typing the two names that you both were having a conversation about and bookmark the facebook page that shows up. You’ll have to look these people up if you were going to come face to face with them. Soobin’s snort however, snaps you out of your little bookmark spree and you close the lid shut when she walks to the side where her heels and other shoes were lined up.

“No way. She is just like Namjoon. She sleeps with guys once and then moves on. Maybe Namjoon is just one of those guys who’s all in to purity and shit.”

“Weird.” You can’t help but mumble as you think over her response.

“Weird but hot. If only he’d let me in his pants again.” She’s groaning as you roll your eyes once more at her. She always sounds like she’s in chronic pain when she isn’t getting laid.

“It can’t have been that much better than other guys you’ve… been with.” You wince at your hesitation. Hoping to not offend her but she just giggles in response.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to be mad at you for little things like this y/n. And to answer your question,” she falls back down on the bed once again as she stairs up at the ceiling wistfully, “Yes. It was. It’s like I don’t remember anything at all but at the same time I do. It was almost… magical. I know it sounds cheesy but I can just remember that it was the best night of my life.”

You’re so pulled in to her story, leaning your head on your palms as you listen to her recall her first time. Would it be like this for you too? Would he be that great?

“Is someone thinking about doing the dirty with Namjoon?” She’s whistling at your reddening face and you don’t even try to deny the fact that you’d been fantasising about it.

“W-When you say it like that.” You don’t meet her inquisitive eyes as she just laughs, turning her gaze back to the ceiling and pulling you with her so you both stared up like the white paint held some sort of profound meaning and answers to life.

“I felt like I was high but I don’t remember taking anything before. Maybe I did? I don’t know. I just felt like I was floating and it didn’t hurt at all. Felt really sore the next day though.” She turned to face you, making a face in distaste.

“My head hurt like a bitch and I had to like, take a few days and rest. But that was probably my hangover.” Soobin just shrugs and gets up, putting on her high heels and grabbing her purse.

“My point is, you’re lucky you have the option to have your first time with someone like Namjoon.”

“I-I never said I wanted to.” You’re getting up from the bed to lock the door once she’s gone. Hoping that you’ve made a face strict enough that she believes you even just a little bit that you didn’t want anything physical to do with Kim Namjoon. He sounded like…. Too much for you.

“You say that now. We’ll see! Bye, don’t wait up!” She’s giggling as she runs off with the other girls standing and waiting in the hallway.

“I won’t.” You’re just mumbling to yourself as you close the door, heart slightly pounding and you’d only been just talking about the mysterious Namjoon.

Not long after, you’re climbing back on to your bed, bringing the bookmarked tabs back up as Namjoon’s sultry eyes appear once again. Scrolling through his profile, the information there is limited. You don’t find much more than just a picture that had been uploaded 4 years ago. Had he not changed it? Maybe he wanted it that way because of the ‘business’ he was involved in. There are a couple of other pictures taken in the same year with Hyuna and a few other men that you recognize from campus as well. You’d only seen them around once or twice but never at day time either. It was obvious they were a clique.

In each photo, Namjoon seemed to look intensely at the camera. You’re mesmerized momentarily, just by a picture. Watching his droopy eyes looking right back at you. What was is about his eyes that reeled you in so? You never wanted to look away and yet you wanted to scroll away at the same time. In fact, all the men in the picture gazed intensely at the camera lens as if they knew someone was looking back at them. Just imagining that face above yours sends a shiver down your spine and quickly, you’re exiting out of the tab. Too overwhelmed. If you were going to feel this overwhelmed from just one picture that maybe you couldn’t do this.

You were probably over thinking it. Maybe you won’t even come in to contact with him at all. And who said he’ll even take a liking to you? You were pretty average in all aspects. Yeah maybe a little above average in your studies but that was it, really. So it probably won’t be the way you were thinking. Like he was going to pick you, specifically, out of the crowd and ask to take away your virginity.

“Namjoon.” Unknowingly, you’d been whispering his name as thoughts of him ran through your head. Why was there such little information about him online when so many people seem to know him? You didn’t understand.

You phone pings indicating you’d received a message. Bringing up your phone, you see a photo message from Soobin. Clicking on the image to load, her smiling face pops up with a couple of other girls from your area standing beside her, smiling up at the camera. Smiling, you’re just about to lock your phone again until a certain pair of eyes have you doing a double take at the photo.

Clicking the image and dragging two of your fingers apart to enlarge the photo, you can clearly see Namjoon’s familiarly intense eyes peering in to yours. Your blood runs cold just for a moment as you blink a few times to make sure he was actually looking at the camera or just somewhere beside. But even blinking a few times doesn’t make the intense pair of eyes go away or look somewhere else. He was definitely looking in to the camera.

Your eyebrows furrow at how eerie it was that you’d been just looking at his photos and now.. he was looking in to the camera like he knew the photo was being sent to you. Like he knew… your phone is suddenly dropping from your clutch as you bring your hands up to your mouth, eyes wide. Wait could he know? What if there was some sort of software that told you who was looking at your page? Was your webcam hacked? You shake your head at that thought when you see the band aid on the camera lens. No way anyone was able to see anything. You were just being paranoid. This is why you didn’t want to go outside and socialise.

“This is exactly why you have to socialise!” Soobin is shrieking at you – while you try not to bleed out of your ears - as she curls your hair. It was a week after you’d agreed to attend one of the many parties held at the frats every Saturday. Soobin had come home last week and hadn’t been able to shut up since about how boring the party was since Namjoon and his crew of attractive men were apparently not there despite you having seen him in the background of the picture you saw. When you’d tried to show her what you meant, she’d still hadn’t been able to see his sparkly eyes in the background. Much of your time had been spent since then to try and convince her that Namjoon was definitely there in the photo.

“I don’t see him y/n. You just want him so badly that you’re seeing things.” She’s singing mockingly – playfully – as she curls the last few bits of your long hair. You were wearing the shortest dress you owned – it reached just above the knees – and unsurprisingly, it was white. The tops were lace that framed your décolletage modestly. The only ‘immodest’ thing you could see that your mother would definitely scold you about were the spaghetti straps. It was the closest thing you owned to a dress that didn’t look like you were going to church. Which you still hadn’t gone to ever since you’d arrived in the city. You really needed to go to the nearest community church and introduce yourself. Your mother’s incessant voice was scolding and shaming you in the back of your head the longer you stalled. Tomorrow you definitely will.

“I’m not! I don’t know what’s wrong with your eyes. He is in the back it’s so obvious.” You can’t help the pout when you’re trying to convince her for the thousandth time that you saw him looking straight in the camera but somehow she can’t see him. You hadn’t even told her about the dreams you’d had of him every night this past week. Watching yourself walk a dimly lit pathway in a strange building until you reached the room he sat in. Every dream ended as soon as you opened the door, never being able to quite have good look apart from a glimpse of Namjoon’s face.

“Y/n, he wasn’t even there so I don’t know how you saw him let alone him looking straight in to the camera. Don’t you think I would’ve noticed him when I was sending it to you?”

You shrug, wincing when she pulls on a tendril a little too hard. “Maybe you were too drunk.”

“I wish. It was pretty tame and boring last week. So no. I wasn’t drunk.” She’s glaring at you through the mirror while you just avert your gaze. Maybe you were confused… hm.

“Okay! All done. Now, let me quickly change and we’ll go.” She’s scurrying off to change in the bathroom for once and you just look at the final result in the mirror.

You looked pretty but still you. You who was very unaware and ignorant to the life you were about to go experience. Maybe you should adjust the way you stand so you don’t look completely like a fish out of water?

“What are you doing weirdo.” Soobin is chuckling behind you while you quickly straighten up.

“I don’t know. I look so… me. I feel like ‘I’m a virgin’ is written across my forehead or something.”

“You’re fine babe.” She’s squeezing your shoulder from behind as she smiles kindly at you. She was gorgeous. She looked gorgeous in no matter what she wore so maybe it was easy for her to say. But nonetheless, your nerves ease enough for you to grab your purse as you both lock hands and walk out.

When you both arrive, the heavy bass can be almost felt from outside the building. Crowds of people loitering the front porch and your nerves are already kicking in.

“Soo…,” you sound just as unsure as you felt. There were bodies everywhere and you could feel your anxiety about to kick in. You were so out of depth.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’ll be fun!” She’s smiling widely at you as she grabs your hand, leading you inside ahead of you. Both of you have to slide between bodies of strangers who are dancing, drinking or doing both. While Soobin seems to slither away with ease as she smiles charmingly, saying hi to some and ‘excuse me’ to some, you feel the exact opposite. You’re sure your face looks horrified to some degree and the curious looks from other people just confirms your suspicion.

“Gosh, it’s packed today!” She’s looking around happily, having to scream a little so you can hear her.

“Y-Yeah.” Your nervous laugh goes unnoticed in the loud booming noise of the sultry music.

“I’m glad you came with me this week and not last.” She’s laughing as she flips her hair, watching the two boys who were looking her way ever since you two stopped near anther hallway.

“Yeah I’m not so sure..” looking around, you don’t see a single familiar face. You can definitely feel people looking at you and probably how out of place you looked but that could also be your brain making you overthink.

“Don’t flake out on me now. I’ll go get us a drink!” Before you can stop her she’s disappeared off to probably where the drinks table was. You remember seeing it when you entered but there were too many people here to figure out on your own where it was. Thinking it safer to stay put than wander around, you lean back against the wall, trying to look around insouciantly at the crowd. As soon as you lock eyes with one of the boys dancing on the floor, your gaze is turning down and you take out your phone to fiddle with it while waiting for Soobin.

Unknowingly, you pull up the picture that she had sent last week and instantly, you can see Namjoon’s eyes once more.

“How…,” you keep exiting out of the messages app and entering again just to make sure you weren’t seeing things. And you definitely weren’t. Where was Soobin? You needed to show her this. Looking up, you walk forward a little bit, hoping to see her among the crowd but you can’t see anything in this dim light. What you do see, however, is how familiar the hallway besides you looked. Trying to rake your brain for answers, you decide to have a look. Why did it feel like you’d been here before when this was your first time coming to this frat house?

You walk a little further towards the darker hallway, lit with a dim yellow light right at the end of it. All breath is sucked out of you when you realise where you’d seen it before. Every marking on the wall starts to come back to you when you remember the exact place you’d been dreaming about this past week. You can feel the skin of your arm raising up in goosebumps, mouth running dry as you continue to stare. How did you dream about a place you’d never seen before? How was this possible. What was even more eerie was how your body had started to take you further in to the hallway as if moving on its own accord. You find yourself bracing your hands against the walls as you walk forward, reaching the end of the hallway. With every step, you felt yourself growing calmer and calmer.

Why did you feel like this was what you were supposed to do? You didn’t even know where you were going but your feet seemed to. Somehow, you’d lost all control of your body and you weren’t nearly as scared as you thought you would be. Turning to the right where you saw a door, just like in your dream, you walk further towards it. Your fingers reach forward on the handle as you gulp in the saliva that had pooled in your mouth all of a sudden. When you open the door, even though you know to some extent what will greet you, you still close your eyes, afraid that this unnerving coincidence was not that at all. A coincidence.

“Hello, y/n.” The deep, euphonious voice sends a shiver down your spine so violently that you’re stumbling forward in the room, breath held but eyes finally open and coming face to face with Namjoon. How did you know he would be here? How did he know your name? Did he know you were coming in? He sure sounded like he was expecting you. And just as you had expected before, you were awestruck at his beauty and once again, his sharpest and the most attractive feature were his smouldering eyes. Looking at you like he wanted to devour you.

“H-Hi?”

“She’s cute.” Your head jerks towards the female voice and the blush creeps up on your skin furiously when you see her on the lap of another man who you would think looked a bit forlorn with her on his lap if it wasn’t for the possessive way he was holding on to her.

“And all mine.” Namjoon sounds even more menacing than he looks while the girl in question, who you recognize as Hyuna, just smirks and resumes placing kisses on the boy’s long neck. You should be turning away and running out. This was no place for you with Namjoon sitting on the couch, legs splayed like he owned the place while unfamiliar girls sat at each side, kissing his neck, caressing his hair.

This was too scandalous for you and yet your eyes took in their every lustful look. “Come on. Don’t be shy, y/n.”

Something about his smile is so reassuring and has such a calming effect on you once again that you’re walking forward with ease, almost in a trance until you come to a halt in front of him. What was happening to you? You were being so reckless and yet, you physically couldn’t stop yourself. For all you knew, he could be a murderer. Oh god.

It’s not until you’ve been tugged down on his lap that you snap out of your inner monologue and notice the thick smoke surrounding you, lacing the air that you breathe in. It didn’t reek heavily of marijuana and you wonder if it’s because of that ‘secret’ ingredient that Soobin said Namjoon used. When his hands slither around your waist, you can feel your flesh getting covered in goosebumps, skin feeling like it had been electrified where he touched. Your back straightened slightly at the contact, in turn pushing out your chest involuntarily closer to his.

“H-How do you know m-my name?” Namjoon just continues to stare you down, a playful smile on his lips as his other hand also clambers up your thigh where your dress had ridden up a fair bit.

“Don’t be like this, love. You know we’ve met before.” Your breathing had picked up significantly and you think you might faint as your mind wanders back to the strange dreams you’ve been having. And the photo… Namjoon has not broken character. He’s as put together as you’re about to lose it. His warm hands caressing your back and thigh are not helping. Not to forget the salacious noises coming from Hyuna and her boytoy who are now locked in a heavy embrace.

“T-That’s not possible. I-I have to go. I-” you’re shaking your head while closing your eyes for just a second to gather your thoughts. Maybe coming here wasn’t a good idea.

“Y/n.” Your body halts where it is on his lap at his commanding tone. “Sit. Here, take this, darling.”

You can see him reaching besides him where the smoking cigarette lay, almost looking like a cigar, before bringing the sweet smelling stick towards you. Namjoon makes sure to keep his eyes locked on to yours when he parts his luscious lips, wrapping them tantalising around the thick object and takes in a deep drag while his eyes close as well. It’s the single most erotic thing you’d seen tonight. Or maybe ever. You’re mesmerised as you watch him hold in the smoke in his mouth for a few seconds before he’s bringing his face even closer to yours and then blowing the smoke gently, right on to your face.

Your eyes close on instinct, anticipating a foul smell or for your eyes to burn. But as surprising as everything else tonight, no such thing happens. Instead, you can feel yourself breathing the sweet yet earthy scent in even deeper, lungs seeming to not be able to get enough of the thick smoke inside. When your eyes open, you find Namjoon’s sparkling ones staring right at you.

“You want more?” There is no question about you being under the influence of something at this stage. Whatever it was that Namjoon was making you inhale – it was messing with your brain and making you that much more receptive to everything that was happening. You didn’t feel the need to suddenly get up and go. Instead, your hands found purchase on the silk of his shirt as he took in another deep drag of the cigar. You had your eyes closed, ready for the gust of smoke to hit your nostrils but instead, you feel Namjoon’s nimble fingers taking a hold of your chin as your eyes fall open in surprise.

The next thing he does almost makes you faint but you just hang on to him tighter, knuckles turning white as he taps his fingers on to your lips in a signal for you to part them. Your eyes are wide, a small moan escaping your mouth that’s painted red and then – Namjoon is exhaling the thick translucent smoke right in to your mouth. You could feel the warmth of his lips that almost touched yours and the closeness only makes you yearn to have them locked with yours.

“You liked that baby?” Every movement from his mouth can faintly be felt on your lips – that’s how close he is. But for some reason, he doesn’t close the distance. Though the strange wetness between your thighs makes you want to rub them together until you would no doubt chafe them. Your shifting on his lap however, has him looking down with you but he doesn’t look as clueless as you. Instead, he’s biting his lip, a heavy hand running down your thigh before running up on the insides of it – dangerously close to your white cotton panties. If you’d known you’d be lured in to Namjoon’s sex dungeon, you would’ve worn something sexier.

The thought has your eyes going wide – remembering Soobin’s words.

He only sleeps with virgins.

Did he plan to have sex with you? Were you ready for that?

Before you can comprehend anything else, you’re blurting out the words as they form on your tongue while the smoke has clouded your brain, giving you courage you otherwise wouldn’t have. “A-Are you going to h-have sex with me?”

His body is rumbling with the laugh that he lets out, head tilting slightly backwards revealing the long column of his throat. You never thought someone just merely laughing – and at you no less – could look this picturesque. His hands have started to play with the hem of your dress while you wait for him to reply. When he finally looks back at you, the playfulness is replaced with something more carnal.

“Do you want me to?” Did you? Your body was humming with need when just an hour ago you weren’t even sure you wanted to stay at the party.

Namjoon’s hand that had been on your thigh was now drawing irregular shapes on the exposed skin, making it harder for you to think straight when each touch of his finger sent a jolt of need straight to your core.

“You don’t exactly have the luxury to choose Namjoon. Don’t be a fool and stop playing with your food.”

Once again you’d forgotten that Hyuna was right behind you but when you see her walking towards the door with the man she’d been with, your nerves come back at the prospect of being left alone with Namjoon. Were you safe here? What did she mean by food? All these questions are running through your head as everyone leaves the room one by one until you’re left completely alone with Namjoon.

He’s staring at you like he wants to devour you and you wonder if Hyuna meant that figuratively. How else could she possibly mean?

“Don’t be scared, love. I’m very gentle.” The way he tilts his head, a small grin on his face – it all makes you forget whatever it was that you were worried about. The burning needs is even more noticeable now as Namjoon’s large hands slip down to your bottom, pulling on your hips to slide you further up his lap.

“Lift up for me, y/n.” His voice is even while your breathing is not. You’ve never been in a compromising position like this with another man let alone one as attractive, terrifying and mysterious as him. Now that your legs were on either side of his body, your dress had all but been shifted up your ass most likely exposing your cotton panties. Not only that but the dampness of your panties was very much getting worse – Namjoon probably able to feel your arousal if he just slipped his hand a little further down. At this point, you were trying to not faint in his lap while under the influence of whatever the mysterious cigar had been – yet, you’re not feeling frightened or even the slightest worry. Instead, the excitement is bubbling deep within your core making you squirm under his heavy gaze.

“You smell divine little bird.” His hands have started to caress your back, fingers dancing along your spine while his gaze holds yours hostage. If you thought staring at his eyes through a photo was overwhelming – looking in to the dark irises now was an entirely different experience. The pounding of your heart is intense and loud – being able to feel your chest ‘thud’ with every beat.

A breath leaves escapes when Namjoon’s hands put pressure on the curve of your back, making your body move in a provocative rhythm with the heavy, muted music that can be heard from outside, making the actions even more wicked. The steady trickle of arousal from your core making your underwear stick to the contours of your pussy as the bundle of nerves situated above grazed the denim of Namjoon’s tight jeans with every roll of your hips. Soon enough, you’ve started to control the rhythm on your own as wicked desire has taken a hold of all of your senses – all worry and apprehension long dissipated in to the thick smoky air.

“N-Namjoon.” His name falls from your lips like a plea and his smirk only deepens as he sits back, settling in to the plush couch while a hand stays at the curve of your back to guide each movement.

“Hmm… you’re really good at this despite your inexperience little bird.” The pet name has you even more bothered. The seemingly innocent nickname rolling off a lot more alluringly from his tongue.

The hardness laying heavy between your legs was the testament to how effected he was too and that was where any indication of how much he was affected – ended. The sensual man looking you over like you’re his personal entertainer was only urging you on further in the roll of your hips. Never having felt any sensations like this before – you’re drunk on the pheromones in the air that was becoming smokier and smokier as Namjoon took deep inhales of the cigar. Your hands are clutching desperately on to Namjoon’s silk shirt with each roll of your hips – not being able to stop the inevitable.

Leaning forward, Namjoon is wrapping his hand around your hair at the nape of your neck, tilting your head backwards as he moves even closer. For a mere moment, you could cry with joy thinking he’ll finally kiss you. But alas, the wait is still on as he only exhales the thick smoke in your mouth, dragging his other hand down the middle of your chest as if he was tracing the pathway the smoke was taking inside of you.

“Please,” you didn’t know what you were asking for but for some reason this burning need had replaced the steadily growing arousal. It’s like with every inhale of the thick, sweet smoke, you were becoming desperate for something unknown, something you didn’t know you needed. However, Namjoon seemed to know exactly what he’s doing when he’s sliding off a strap of your dress of your shoulder, pressing hot open mouthed kisses up the column of your throat.

“It’ll be such a shame to ruin you.” His plush lips press a searing kiss underneath your earlobe, sending a chill down your spine. “But I have no choice. I’ve been waiting too long for you.”

Maybe If you weren’t so focused on trying to relieve the growing ache in your core, you would notice Namjoon’s dangerous words. But his actions and words didn’t corroborate each other. Where his words were somewhat threatening and worrying, his touch was soft and sensual – eating away at your rationality until you were a shivering mess in his lap. Your soft groans and needy whimpers only egg him on as he slides the other strap down your shoulder too.

Where you couldn’t even change in front of Soobin – you were being undressed by a man you barely knew and somehow you didn’t care. In a haste – you’re clawing at his shirt, trying to reveal some skin you could taste yourself. Never having been this bold – you even surprise yourself when you start unbuttoning Namjoon’s shirt.

“Slow down little bird. We have all the time in the world.” His chuckle doesn’t do much to halt your actions. Instead, you’re hurriedly popping off each button, revealing the smooth expanse of his chest and tight abdominal muscles. With his hair pushed back, eyes heavy – he looks like the definition of an angel. His skin is somehow almost glowing and you want nothing more than to cover it with your kisses.

“P-Please. I-I need-” Namjoon slides his hands inside your dress, dragging the fabric upwards until you lift up your arms to let him take it off completely.

“What do you need, y/n? Where do you need me?” He doesn’t sound like he genuinely wants to know. You can tell he just wants to make you say aloud. Say things aloud you never thought you would ask for let alone let some stranger do to you.

“Y-you. I need… you- oh.” Namjoon has started to palm one of your heaving breasts – pulling on the nipple through your white bra.

“Where, little bird? Where do you want me?” His reverberating growl makes another trickle of arousal escape, soiling your panties and no doubt staining his pants too.

Taking his hand that’s on your chest and dragging it downwards until it rests just above your underwear band. If you thought Namjoon’s eyes were dark and heavy before – his irises were completely black now. His pupils dilated and nostrils flaring as he looks down at your hand covering his own. “Here.”

You don’t know how you kept yourself from being a stuttering mess when asking something so completely shameless from him. No morals or ethics were currently holding you back as you asked him for what you needed. With another noise that sounded much like an inhuman growl, Namjoon’s shoving his hand inside your panties as his fingers dive straight for your slit making your head fall back as the delicious sensations have you singing.

“I can’t wait much longer but… I’ll make you feel good y/n. I’ll taste every inch of you.” You’re none the wiser when he’s growling like that, caressing your silken folds with his fingers that drag against them – relieving the pressure slightly. But that doesn’t make you want him less. A jolt of electricity goes through you when his index and middle finger slide upwards – settling on your clit and rolling it in tight circles.

“Ah! N-Namjoon I’m so c-close.” You felt like you were about to burst in to tears. So tightly wound but not being able to untie that knot somehow. Namjoon doubled his ministration, mumbling his erogenous words and promises about what he would do to you. But at no point do you ask him to stop. When his two circling fingers suddenly slip back down – your eyes are going wide at the loss of the sensations. You were so, so close.

But you don’t have to wait for too long as he’s spearing his two fingers inside your clenching entrance, making you shout aloud from the sudden thick intrusion. “Breathe, y/n. Just relax for me baby. Just like that.”

His soothing voice is enough for you to be doing exactly as he says. Your vaginal walls are relaxing around his digits as they rub your insides – nudging at that spongy spot that has you seeing stars with a shout.

“Namjoon! Oh god…” His chuckle is somehow heard through your own cries as he starts to thrust the two slickened fingers in and out.

“God won’t be able to save you now darling. Not when I’m about to have a taste…”

In an instant, Namjoon has you pushed back in to the couch, back laying on the soft velvety couch while his lithe figure loomed over you. His silk shirt open, exposing his smooth yet firm chest, hair falling forward as he supported his weight on the arm that wasn’t occupied. If you’d thought he looked beautiful before – he looked almost otherworldly now. It was as if you were in a dream – barely able to comprehend what was going on other than the intense burning in your core that seemed to flow out to the rest of your body. Your legs had fallen open, giving Namjoon full opportunity to continue his assault on your core that you welcomed. Back arching, his name falling from your lips – you revelled in the hedonistic pleasure that Namjoon was forcing inside your buzzing frame.

“That’s it little bird. Cum for me. Give me a taste, won’t you…” The slight tilt of his head as his mischievous tone asks you the rhetorical question only pushes you closer to your peak. As Namjoon continues to scissor his two fingers in and out of your pussy, your mind his becoming hazy.

“Fucking hell. You look amazing. Cum now y/n.” It’s his last growl that has you clamping your legs around his waist – crying out his name like a prayer while you spasm beneath him cumming harder than your own hand had ever made you.

Gently – Namjoon continues to thrust his fingers inside, momentarily pulling them out completely to rub your leaking fluids all around your pussy. Just when you think the burning in your core would subside – nothing of the sort happens. Instead, you can feel like desire clawing its way back in to your pussy faster than before and you’re extending your arms to bring Namjoon closer to you.

“K-Kiss me. Please, N-Namjoon…. I need-” He pulls his hand out of your panties, bringing them up to his lips as he pushes his slick, dripping fingers inside his mouth – tasting you on his tongue. A deep rumble from within his throat makes your body shiver once more and makes all the blood rush to your cheeks when he closes his eyes as well – savouring the taste. Maybe he was trying to distract you from asking him to kiss you. Whatever it was, it works as you watch him in a daze.

“I wish I could eat your pussy until you’re all I can taste but… I need you. Now.” His growl is carnal and you’re just following his every command. The buzzing in your core has become more incessant and you’re positively vibrating with need. Namjoon makes haste of his shirt, pushes down his arousal stained jeans and even before they are off – you can tell that he’s bigger than the average man. His erection stand proud and thick, the pearly white pre-cum leaking from the mushroom head as he palms himself.

You’re staring in amazement as even his own hand just barely fits around the base and it’s the first time tonight you’re having second thoughts. But Namjoon has quickly come forward, hovering on top of you again as he bites his lip.

“Take everything off little bird. I want to see all of you.” He watches you with his sparkling eyes while you unclip your bra and take off your panties that have strings of arousal keeping it from being completely torn off and Namjoon hisses at the image. “Fuck, you’re so wet baby. So wet and ready for me. I’ve been waiting so long…”

There it was again. What did he mean by waiting? Waiting for you? Did you know him from somewhere else? You don’t remember telling anyone about coming to the party or even your university. So how did he know you would be here?

“Ah!” All breath is knocked out of you once again tonight when Namjoon’s warm tongue is licking across your nipples – wetting them and sucking them gently to have you writhing. Your head is pushed back and eyes closed as his hands pull your pelvis closer to his own – getting ready to connect you both and it only makes you mewl louder.

It’s only for a second – if not less – that you open your eyes. What you see, however, has your blood running cold. Namjoon’s tongue is still laving your hardened nipples but the shape of his tongue is something else entirely. You’re so sure that his tongue edges were a serrated shape but before you can scream or say anything – Namjoon has pushed his entire girth inside your weeping pussy.

“Fuck!” He’s growling while your eyes are blown wide simultaneously. You expected excruciating pain to go through your entire body but apart from a slight pinch – you feel nothing but bliss. Maybe it was the effect of whatever he had you smoke or maybe sex felt this good even for the first time? You don’t get to mull over that thought for long when he grabs on to your hands and pins them above you head – gazing deeply in to your eyes.

“You’re better than anything I ever imagined. I’m going to ruinyou, darling.” His chuckle is sinister but you can only push your hips up in an effort to take him deeper when he was already pushed to the hilt. Your cries can be heard throughout the room and finally – Namjoon starts to move his hips.

With each thrust of his fluid hips forward, you’re being pushed backwards on the couch, a symphony of his name falling from your lips. Soon, sweat starts to trickle down his temples as he pushes his hips in to you with ever increasing force. His teeth are clenched hard enough that you can see every twitch in his cheek muscle. Your breasts bouncing with every vicious thrust of his length as it spears in to your pussy.

“Na-am-jo-on. Oh god.” Your eyes are tearing up as the knot in your core gets tighter and tighter – Namjoon’s length growing even harder inside you. Even when you two are joined so intimately like this; he doesn’t kiss you. He doesn’t even indicate if he even wantsto kiss you. Your hands are clawing at his back, mouth hanging open like a drunkard as he grabs one of your legs and pulls on it until your ankle hangs off of his shoulder. The new angle reaching depths inside you that you hadn’t felt before and the new sensations make you cry harder – so good that they border on painful. It’s like he’s shoving the powerful sensations inside you with every deep thrust.

“Fuck yes. God won’t be able to stop me from having you, love.” His laugh is just as hypnotising – but now with a ominous edge to it. He’s looking down at you with his tongue peeking out from the edge of his enticing mouth. You’re in no shape to fight him off – or that you want to. Not when you’re so close to the finish line you could taste the relief. It’s so persistent that you feel as if it would never stop. Your breaths growing shallower as high pitched sobs sound from your mouth – tears streaming down your face as your overheated body takes every slap of his hips against your ass. The lewd noises that accompany his every lunge only make you gush more.

“You gunna cum for me, y/n? Your needy pussy ready to gush for me? Hm? Answer me!”

His tone is nowhere as gentle as when he’d started as he stares you down – sweat dripping down his temple and the bridge of his nose while all you can do is sob and nod out your reply. Namjoon is taking it a step further as he brings your other leg up too until both of your ankles now hang off of his shoulder – almost folding you in half as his cock slices in to your pussy like a hot knife going through butter. Your body so pliable from his hands constantly squeezing and running across it.

Just when you feel the string inside you about to snap – Namjoon makes the sensations tenfold more severe when his palm lands on your blood filled clit, rubbing it in circles before he pinches it to push you face first in to an almost violent orgasm as your whole body twitches. You can’t recall how long your orgasm went for – or how long you’d actually been with him, really. But it seems to go on and on and on. Your body stretched tight as your back remains arched – hands trying to grasp any part of Namjoon’s body as he continuous to push his cock in and out of your sloppy cunt.

Your orgasm is prolonged surely because of Namjoon’s never slowing ministrations. Your body is flopping in to the couch as the toll of your strenuous and debauched activities finally kicks in. Your arms and legs are quivering and yet, the stiff length that’s being dragged in and out of you is not relenting. The sweat dripping from Namjoon’s temple tells you how much of his energy is being used – and so is yours. Because it felt like the soul was being sucked out of you. Suddenly, the same sensations that were so mind numbingly pleasurable now felt like were making you dizzier and dizzier.

“Fuck, fuck! you’re so sweet I can’t stop little bird.” Namjoon’s growling out his words as he pushes your trembling legs off his shoulder and wrapping them around his waist. You’re so far gone that your head is lolled to the side, arms just trying to hold on to him as his hips continue to slam in to yours – the wet sounds accompanying each move incredibly erogenous.

“I can’t a-any m-more. Oh god…” His hand has slipped back down, swiping against your clit which reignites the pleasure a little more for you until you’re moaning like a vixen again.

Swiftly, Namjoon has risen from his position above you, leaning back with your legs still locked behind his back until he has you in his lap – his hands wrapping around your hips to gain leverage as he pushes his hips up in to your pussy in this new position.

The new angle is enough to have your eyes tearing up because somehow – the sex feels even more good than before. You’re losing sight of what is happening and the only thing you can focus on is the burning needs rising in your center again even if you felt like they were on fire. Tears have started to escape, your tongue loose as you shout out Namjoon’s name again and again. The was something happening and you couldn’t understand what. Not in the state that you were in. Past your hazy eyes, you could see that Namjoon looked…. Different. You weren’t sure how but you felt it. You felt the shift in the air now that he was ravaging your body unlike anyone else. You thought you wouldn’t be able to handle more but somehow, you were still clinging on to him as he repeatedly drove in to you. Now bouncing you on his lap to milk out his pleasure.

He was starting to glow. Radiating such energy you thought you were seeing an angel. Your body was getting more and more tranquil and pliant – letting him whisper all the sweet dirty things in your ear while he brought you to your peak again. This time – him joining you too. And doing the completely unexpected.

“I’m going to cum y/n. I’m going to fill you up with everything that I have so you will remember me forever.” His grin is not fear invoking anymore. It seems like he is content – unlike how he’d been at first. Purposeful. Almost vengeful as he coaxed you in to his arms. You were losing your senses as the time went – only able to recognise the stabbing pleasure at your core that Namjoon was stuffing in you to the brim. He looked scenic. Like a Greek god with the sweat shining on his body and muscles bulging and the urge to kiss him again rose with an agonising need.

“Please,” you pant with every push of his hips up in to yours. “Kiss me N-Namjoon. Kiss me. Please.” You’re pleading as your walls clench around his hard length and for the first time – his eyes soften enough for you to actually think he might be concerned. For what, you didn’t know.

“I don’t want to… hurt you.” His brow creases as he stares up at your dishevelled state, with the kindest eyes you’d seen on him since you step foot in to the room. But there was no reasoning with you as drunk on pheromones as you were. Clawing at his chest to pull him closer. And for once – Namjoon gives in and seals your lips in a searing kiss.

In a matter of seconds, he’s growling in the kiss as he cum with such stagnant force. You follow suit – body trembling as you feel the spurts of his cum splash inside your overheated pussy – dribbling out like saliva. But nothing compares to the feeling of his lips on yours. You don’t care that with each passing second you’re losing conscious – body suddenly growing weaker and weaker. More fatigue kicking in despite Namjoon doing all the work. You felt like you were in a dream – floating through the air feeling light as a feather. Namjoon’s lips were like having a glass of the richest red wine. You wanted even more as you clung on to his frame – pushing your tongue against his to drink him in.

“You’re like the sweetest fruit little bird. I will miss you.” You can hear Namjoon’s voice but somehow you can’t place where it’s coming from. Your eyes are falling shut and your limbs have lost all control as you lay your head on his shoulder – too spent to even bat an eyelash.

No one told you you’d be this tired after sex or was it just a thing with Namjoon? Whatever it is, you can vaguely feel yourself being put in something familiar. Some surface that feels all too familiar that the next thing you know, is blackness. Not before you hear Namjoon’s last words.

“Thank you little bird. You were a special one.” His voice sounds pained and you want to ask him why. But you can’t seem to open your eyes or even speak. You can tell he’s standing near you because the pull is too strong for you to ignore. Then, with a gentle kiss to your forehead, you hear nothing from him anymore. All you see is blackness.

Namjoon is thankful to be alive as he walks back to his place. Leaving you was harder than he’d thought it’d be but you wouldn’t have the energy to speak let alone walk back to your place after that. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept with someone and he was getting weaker. When you’d arrived on campus – he’d been thrilled. But watching you these past few weeks had made him in to another man. A weaker man. Caring about you was never the plan but he’d come to do that too.

Alas, he had to leave you alone now. He wouldn’t hurt you anymore. He may be a demon – but even he would not act this evil. He could tell you’d remembered him from the dreams. He’d been too greedy. Too selfish that despite Hyuna’s warning about him getting too close to his prey – he’d inserted himself in to your life more than necessary. Maybe a one night stand would have been easier for you to forget if he’d met you for the first time today. But the way you screamed his name, begged him to kiss you… he knew he was in trouble.

Because something told him that you wouldn’t be staying away.

a/n: dont forget to tell me what you thought!!

#bts smut #namjoon smut #bts fanfction #hobiwonder

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saltine-kakyoin · 5 years

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ok i CANNOT take it anymore I simply MUST know. spill the beans on the Star Catinum scene please 🙏🏼🙏🏼💝💝💝🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 I have been wondering for SO LONG and I am SO CURIOUS

OKAY SO BEFORE I GET INTO THIS, LEMME PROVIDE SOME EXPOSITION! :3 the Star Catinum Scene was heavily inspired by the one fan art of splat w the BIG dinner plate eyes, the one where’s he’s like owo and then O W O. it reminded me of a cat! and then i thought of this one post i saw ages ago about how much it’d suck if catra’s eyes went all big + dilated in the middle of one of her fights with adora, and then... the dots connected and, to quote my main man kronk, it was all coming together now :3 another big part of this is the adventure i had w coffee in ny, which we’ve talked about here in there in chat! w that said, lemme dive right in!! this might get long, so i’m gonna put it into a readmore just in case!

sO. the star catinum scene is from the sda, which means kak is roomies w camille in paris while jotaro is grappling w friend/family withdrawal in florida! Jotaro travels + visits everyone when he can, bc he is just. Mad lonely in florida. he might grump about all of the crusaders, but he really do be lovin + missing them, you know? On Kak and Camille’s end, this is normally fine! however, the visit that takes place in the star catinum scene is like. towards the later end of the semester for Kak, and inconveniently RIGHT in the middle of one of his final projects for the semester. So! Instead of trying to juggle the project + jotaro, he decides, fuck it! I’m gonna go crazy go stupid and finish it in advance so I can devote all of my attention to jotaro + what he’s been up to when he arrives. :)

nonetheless, jotaro’s visit sneaks up on him, in the way that these kinds of situations do, and he really becomes unhinged that week! He’s gone, painting for nights on end, leading up to Jotaro’s arrival + distressingly, he’s still not done the day/night before jotaro’s set to arrive! Kakyoin is normally a pretty levelheaded and rational guy, but all pretense has jumped out the window. he just Needs to finish this project at this point. SO. that night right before jotaro flies in, Kak stops by the cafe right underneath his and Camille’s apartment that’s run by a turkish and indian couple, and orders two large cups of their most intense brew. With his project and his coffee in hand, he sets off for a parisian rooftop to finish what he started, chugging the first cup as he goes. The first cup is nice, and really gets him going and in the mode! however, he gets so hyperfocused on the painting that he forgets there’s a second cup- at least, until he almost trips on it hours later! And then he’s like. Oh. Oh GOD. there’s a second cup! full of coffee! what do? The small voice of reason that’s been dwindling throughout this week is like: noriaki....whatever you Do, do NOT drink that cup. just let it go. toss it. But another, louder part of him is like: but you are getting kind of sleepy tho.. and are you done with your project yet? No? Then why waste the money by throwing the cup away? Just drink it dude...

So, he drinks it! which is fine and dandy for all of five minutes, until the caffeine REALLY begins kicking and oh, oh god. he should Not have had the second cup of coffee...Filled with regret and too much energy to handle, he feverishly finishes up the painting, slowly losing a grip on reality with each stroke! it almost feels like his body is trying to exorcise itself, which he can’t really blame it for. almost drunkenly, he stumbles back to his and camille’s apartment- thank god for hierophant catching his missteps and making sure the painting isn’t tarnished on the journey! He stumbles back into the apartment, which is pretty dark beyond the light peeking out from camille’s bedroom + the flickering glow of the flames from her new candles. she steps out of her room when she hears he’s finally home, and ooh. Kakyoin may be lost in the caffeine sauce, but he can almost Feel the concern radiating from Camille’s person. she barrages him with a bunch of questions, seemingly all at once. wherewereyou? are you okay? isitfinished? whendidyoulastsleep? Most importantly, are you going to be well enough to get pick Jotaro up from the train station in a few hours?

Kakyoin waves these questions off as his body plummets into the wonderfully plump cushions of their sofa- painting,i’mfine,yes,idon’tknow, and Yes. just let me close my eyes for a moment...i’ll be fine just wake me up when it’s time to get jotaro. And then, he slips into a deep deep slumber.

(i’ve gotta get ready for work soon, so i’m gonna copypasta the rest from my explanation of it to jules!! which is grand bc i feel that explanation captures the fever dream quality of it much better than i am here!)

Camille watcches him melt into the couch + basically enter a coma with mounting anxiety. Normally Jotaro calls when he's arrived at the train station from the airport, and despite the early hour she doesn't really expect this time to be any different. However, it's normally Always Kakyoin that goes to get him. and then they go out for lunch, or dinner, or breakfast. or just a random snack run at the oddest hours of the day. Normally Camille hardly interacts with Jotaro, and she’s used to their interactions always falling flat.. she doesn't know why. Kakyoin assures her that that's just how Jotaro is: quiet, expressive in his own ways. but it gnaws at camille

So anyhow, she waits for Jotaro to call with Dread, because the situation can go one of two ways: kakyoin emerges from his like 2 hour nap after not sleeping for at least a day or two, and the entire visit is off because Kakyoin himself is off skelter. Or, she answers the phone and gets jotaro from the train station Herself + maybe makes him dislike her even more! both options make her stomach drop, and she can't stop her eyes from constantly drifting over to kakyoin, who looks a little too still, a little too cold, a lot of too worn out. She grabs her nicest, most comfortable blanket and throws it over him.. maybe it'll help him sleep better, and hopefully it'll help ease her mind

she does some meditation until jotaro Finally FINALLY calls. Kakyoin is the lightest sleeper known to man for reasons that Camille is unable to understand, so she leaps on their telephone. jotaro's voice is something that strikes fear in her, and having his voice right up in her ear at like 3 am is the least ideal thing ever. it throws all of her meditation out the window, and the harebrained anxiety is Back.

hurriedly, she tells jotaro that they'll be over to pick him up soon! and she can't help but notice the deflated, "Oh." she gets back in response, which baffles her even further. (jules said that was bc he was just waking up from his own personal red-eye flight fever dream nap, and I cannot agree more!) Sure, it's normally always kakyoin that gets jotaro, but what's so wrong with her tagging along? It's not a far walk from their apartment to the train station- what if she just wanted to get out of the house? anyhow, the thought only serves to make camille more nervous.

she decides right after hanging up that No. She is Not going to wake kakyoin up for this- he really needs the sleep, jotaro be damned. it's not like they're going to get up to anything at this hour anyways. She shimmies into her outerwear + yeehaws over to the gare du nord, where she finds jotaro pretty quickly (he’s so tall!). he's like, "Oh- you. Where's Kakyoin?" and she spitballs the entire thing to him because Camille is just a motormouth when her nerves are high

Camille is expecting Jotaro to be miffed, just a little bit, but surprisingly, he's pretty chill about the whole thing. He's grateful to Camille for coming to get him, because otherwise he'd get hopelessly lost in the maze of the city. This is where Camille begins to realize, hm.. perhaps she was too harsh of a judge..mayhaps.. jotaro really is just Like That, as kakyoin has said at least six times before.. what a concept.

They start walking back to the apartment, and Jotaro's mostly concerned about Kakyoin and why the dude's currently comatose on their couch. Camille just keeps rambling and maybe giving out more information than she should, but Camille is just like Polnareff in that regard. she doesn't notice his gaze soften at their similarity, or at the concept that kakyoin would work himself raw just to make time for jotaro's visit... (which Kakyoin shouldn't have to, not for his sake! but the concept pokes at the small beast in jotaro that fancies kakyoin, which.. ugh. that's an entire thing for him to wrestle with.)

so they make it back to the apartment, and camille urges him to be really quiet as they enter- 'did you know, kakyoin's a super light sleeper? i stubbed my toe and cursed once and it woke him up! it's a little odd, i wonder why he's like that.' but jotaro knows. he learned why early sometime in their third year, an admittance uttered in the pitch black of the ocean at an ungodly hour. death 13, a stand he never met, or at least one that he doesn't remember meeting? and yet one that had such a profound impact on kakyoin. in the present, he puts more thought into his footsteps as they cross the threshold between the apartment commons and kakyoin and camille's apartment.

And oh, there he is. buried under a heaping white blanket, with only the left side of his face poking out. jotaro grins ever so slightly, looking at the noodle strayed madly across the side of his head that jotaro can see- how intensely had kakyoin flung himself at the couch? he feels like his eyes rest on kakyoin a moment too long, and maybe camille feels it too. or maybe her mind is just buffering- kakyoin had said she was squirrel-minded sometimes. as if her brain were leaping from one thing to another at such incredible speeds that she herself struggled to keep up with it

camille whispers so lightly that jotaro almost doesn't hear her. but once he does catch on to what she is saying, something takes hold of his heart and tries to drag it under. She's afraid to wake Kakyoin up and ask him to move because he really needs the sleep, but that means jotaro's pick for bed is either her bed (sized for one petite camille and therefore most Definitely not fit for one giant Jotaro) or kakyoin's (which is better suited for jotaro's height but also DANGEROUS)

he feels her eyes upon him like a searing iron on flesh. camille means well, and camille has No Idea what feelings he has- he knows she doesn't think anything of his silence, his deliberation...but god. in this tiny apartment lit only by candlelight, it sure feels like she's peering into his soul and judging him. nonetheless, he ends up choosing kakyoin's bed. his flight was long, and camille's bed is just. not cut out for him! that, and it'sonlyonenightit'sonlyonenightit'sonlyonenight. once kakyoin is up tomorrow.. or whenever he's up......he and jotaro can just switch beds and there'll be no problems. this is what jotaro tells himself, but his mind still runs rampant as he lies in kakyoin's bed. thisiskakyoin'sbed. this is where kakyoin sleeps Every Single Night. this is where kakyoin would be sleeping Right Now if he hadn't run himself ragged in preparation for your visit. he did that for youforyouforyou! but also.. he should not have done that for you- you always have this effect. it's an endless cycle all night long- jotaro is thankful when the exhaustion from the airport finally shuts his brain up

needless to say, jotaro feels like shit when he wakes up. camille feels like shit when she wakes up. nobody had a good night except for kakyoin, and that's only if you count out his feverish journey back to the apartment as his body tried to violently keep itself from tearing apart at the seams due to drinking Way Too Much strong coffee. camille's already up when jotaro clambers out of kakyoin's room, starting the pot for the morning. she takes one look at him and empathizes, asks how he takes his coffee. they chat quietly as it brews- camille tells him that the only person she thinks got a good night's sleep is kakyoin, who is still out of it. bemused, she tells jotaro how she misjudged where the counter was earlier and accidentally ended up slamming her mug on it, which she was SURE was going to wake up kakyoin. but behold... the beast still slumbers!

this is a really pivotal moment for jotaro and camille's friendship, this quiet morning talk. they don't talk about anything in particular, just whatever floats into camille's mind. they're both too tired to really care about any preconceived notions they had about the other, which is how they both learn that they had horribly misjudged the other. huh, would you look at that!

at some point as they're chatting, star platinum peels away from jotaro to go check on kakyoin, which used to happen often, especially back in tibet. this would annoy jotaro any other time- he very distinctly remembers kakyoin harshly telling him i'mfinei'mfinei'mfine, i'm not going to break or anything. but star (and thus, by extension, jotaro..) has always been the type to Need to check. star has always been a bit more anxious about kakyoin after dio, which jotaro really thinks is pretty fair. seeing your best friend getting rolled into a helicopter with a giant gaping hole in his abdomen will do that to you!

but anyhow. star peels away from jotaro to check on kakyoin, and jotaro allows it. he is concerned about kakyoin- although jotaro's guilty of it, too, it's no good to be staying up for that long and knocking yourself straight out with old coffee. he keeps chatting with camille through all of this- star platinum is up to Risky Business, but camille can't see him. jotaro's fine

(except camille CAN see him and she's too petrified to say anything about it lmao)

so while he and camille keep chatting, star platinum hovers over to kakyoin, and really takes the dude in. admittedly, kakyoin looks worse for wear. his skin has an odd pallor to it that makes jotaro feel a little queasy, and the bags under kakyoin's eyes don't go unnoticed either. his brow is deeply furrowed, and absently jotaro wonders what's plaguing kakyoin in his sleep. it's always been like this, since death 13. since the coma. he wants to smooth kakyoin's brow out, to run his thumb along it. but that's dangerous.

instead, star acts on instinct and reaches out to push The Noodle, the damnable beast, out of his face. star moves slowly- he doesn't want to wake kakyoin up, after all. it was just in the way. Of Kakyoin, that is. Not Jotaro looking at his face. Never that.

however, jotaro gets caught up in the thought, and in the implication of the thought, and star's finger brushes against kakyoin's ear way more than he had intended to (read: he hadn't intended to!! *cue internal screaming*), and oh. god. oh god. kakyoin's index finger fidgets, and then his eyebrows relax. has jotaro fucked up. oh god. if he woke up kakyoin he might just chuck himself out the window and into the traffic below them

as jotaro's thinking this, star platinum, the fucking beast, remains firmly planted in front of kakyoin. despite all the sirens going off in jotaro's mind, it stays there. most times, he feels like star platinum and he are pretty well in sync. but sometimes, he wonders if star platinum has a will of its own- is it Really just jotaro floating around in there? he wondered this at the very beginning, in that jail cell, and he begrudingly wonders about it now. getbackinhererightnow, and Yet! star platinum remains, taking in kakyoin with wide eyes. beside him, camille takes a very long sip of her coffee.

kakyoin wakes up slowly, as if sleep is not yet done with him. when he finally does manage to crack open his eyes, he blinks once, twice. slowly. why is it so bright. why is it so Purple? once his brain finally rejoins the land of the living, he is able to discern what the purple nebula before him is- it's star platinum? looking at him with eyes the size of dinner plates? his mouth utters the stand's name before he can quite process what's going on, but the second he does, splat is gone. faintly, he hears a choke from across the room, and that's what finally wakes him up. his gaze is drawn over to his and camille's kitchen, where camille is very pointedly digging around in their fridge. but next to her is the hulking jotaro kujo, choking on what kakyoin... judging by scent alone, guesses is coffee.

the scent triggers something in kakyoin’s mind, and then it all hits him like a train- overwhelming and all at once. oh dear god, he slept for far too long. he missed jotaro's arrival completely! and now jotaro is here choking on coffee in their kitchen. Jotaro is here!! and kakyoin was only just now waking up, disgustingly sweaty, under a mountainous blanket- camille's? oh dear god. what a nightmare!

in any other circumstance kakyoin would go to hug jotaro or shake his hand, but this. this was not it. his breath smelled like coffee that was much too old and God, he was so hot! he felt like his clothes had been glued to his skin. he yells out some sort of greeting, some acknowledgement that hey!! it's jotaro! but the words are jumbled and a pretty pitiful mix of english, japanese, and french. and then he vaults over the couch and into his room, WHERE! Jotaro's suitcase is?????? he trips on it, yells out some sort of profanity, grabs some clothes, and proceeds to promptly lock himself in the shower for at least fifteen minutes.

in these fifteen minutes, it's just intense kill bill sirens on all ends. kakyoin's like FUCK MAN I MISSED PICKING UP JOTARO, I CAN'T BELIEVE I SLEPT THROUGH ALL THAT! AND WHY WAS STAR LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? AHHHH; jotaro is just. lost in the sauce. star platinum you fucking bastard you should have withdrawn much earlier! that was too close! and camille. camille just hyperfocuses on achieving the perfect blend of coffee and creamer for her second cup while pretending she did NOT just witness whatever that super tender super intimate scene was. just smile and wave camille, smile and wave and nobody will ever know you saw a thing....

they collectively pretend to agree nothing happened when kakyoin gets out of the shower. jotaro, needing something to do with his hands before his body implodes, makes kakyoin some calming drink- something his father no doubt made often during busy tours. their fingers brush when he passes the cup to kakyoin, but you know what? we are NOT going to think about it. kakyoin nurses the cup gingerly, and camille, the saint that she is, bubbles up an entirely new conversation.

and that's basically it! jotaro falls deeper down the rabbit hole, kakyoin becomes Confused, and camille begins taking notes on the Hopeless Case of One (1) Kujo Jotaro lol

#JULES NOW THAT I'M READING IT AS A POST #I JUST WANNA APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR HITTIN U WITH THE WALL OF TEXT #IK IT'S FINE BUT MY GOD.. it really was that long huh??#anyhow!!! :3 This is the #Star Catinum #SCENE BABEY!! idk if i want to write a fic about this scene or render it as a comic but ahhh #it's one of the sda's older scenes + one that is super near and dear to my heart #everyone is a disaster!!#coffee is a mistake!#fullmetal-the-last-alchemist #long post

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chasingshhadows · 5 years

Text

a personal post

I wanted to talk about something personal.

(cw: anxiety/panic attacks, mentions of csa & self harm)

A few weeks ago I had an anxiety attack. This is something normal for me. A tightness in my chest that I just feel like I can’t breathe around, that sits like a painful, heavy knot on my sternum. My breathing becomes more shallow, and I just sit on the edge of tears, and spend the entire episode fighting them back, occasionally releasing these aborted sobs as I try to suppress the urge; and still, sometimes I fail and the tears fall. And my thoughts just spiral, I can’t focus on anything other than what triggered it, which only makes it more intense. I usually stop eating/drinking, mostly because I can’t make myself like, get up and get food bc I get too hyperfocused on my anxiety.

Sometimes, this lasts a few hours. Sometimes, it lasts 2 or 3 days. This was a long one.

I finally calmed down a couple days later, started putting actual food back in my body, started being able to lose myself again in the things I love. Things went back to normal.

Until less than two weeks later when it happened again. Just as long as the first.

(tl;dr I finally sought treatment for my anxiety after suffering through it for 15 years and ngl it feels p damn good)

I’ve been getting these attacks since I was a kid, I remember them as early as age 12. But back then, I didn’t call them panic or anxiety attacks. I thought of them as “breakdowns.” Minutes and hours spent hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. I was in and out of therapy in grade and high school after being caught self-harming, but this was something that just never got addressed bc I never brought it up - everyone breaks down sometimes, right?

In college, things were better and then far worse. I started self-harming again my sophomore year, and sought therapy. My therapist asked to see my scars in the first session and I didn’t go back.

Jump to a year and a half later. A survivor of csa and several other incidents of predatory sexual behavior by that point, I started spiraling hard, made only worse by catcalling on long walks home at night and a near miss with a sexual assault after a party. It got to the point where I started skipping class, or being late because I couldn’t take elevators if there were men on them. The breaking point was a night at the gay club with my best friends and I started having a panic attack bc I couldn’t see another woman, bc despite being surrounded by men I trusted wholly, I panicked.

I went back to therapy (someone new), and started working through my mountain of issues, the ones I knew about (csa, androphobia, depression), and the ones I didn’t (anxiety, abn). The eating disorder, phobia, and depression took center stage as they were impacting/threatening my life in the most urgent ways, but I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder for the first time in my life.

Therapy was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a handle on my issues. That I was in control. That I was managing it.

Over the last 6 years since my diagnosis, I’ve become a major advocate for others to seek treatment for mental health issues, including medication. It’s just like wearing glasses, I tell people. Mental health treatment is just as vital as treatment for physical disorders. Sometimes I even get pushy because I know how hard it can be to take that step, to admit you need help.

But I was managing my own issues, right? I didn’t need medication. I thought that because I almost never reached the point of hyperventilating anymore (once or twice a year, at most), that I was managing my anxiety. I was in control.

And it took two severe attacks within less than two weeks to make me realize just how ridiculously wrong I was. To realize how much I had just absolutely become my own blind spot.

I wasn’t ok. I wasn’t in control. I wasn’t managing my anxiety attacks, I was just experiencing them. I was waiting them out. I was suffering through them.

And it’s not just the attacks either. My social anxiety left me alone and crying at my desk at my company holiday party because I just couldn’t make myself get up and go talk to my coworkers. My social anxiety won’t let me enter a new restaurant by myself because I’m too afraid of standing in the wrong spot, going to the wrong counter, looking stupid. My anxiety left me so afraid to talk to one of my old bosses that I lost my job.

I’ve started living my life around this anxiety. I made space for it, I accommodated it, changed my routines, and adapted the way I approach new things (i.e. sometimes not at all) to avoid these feelings, and then felt like a failure when they crept in anyway.

And honestly, the biggest thing I’ve felt since deciding to seek help is anger. I’m so mad at myself for letting this go on so long, for spouting off to anyone that will hear to just get medicated because yes, it is bad enough and you deserve not to feel this way while ignoring all of that advice for myself. For suffering through and thinking that was an acceptable way to live.

My appointment was this morning and it didn’t hit me until my doctor left the room just how terrified I’d been that she wouldn’t take me seriously. That she would say it was all in my head and I was fine. That she would think I was making it all up or just seeking drugs.

But she didn’t. She asked why I was there. She asked what these attacks feel like and what caused them. She asked about my history of therapy. Asked why my anxiety was put on the backburner and asked why I never medicated before. Asked about how my anxiety presents outside of the attacks. She listened. Took notes when I mentioned something of note (i.e. self harm, csa, depression). She was kind and gentle.

I got lucky, I know. I have heard many a horror story from friends and others who sought treatment and were treated like children or criminals. My experience with my first attempt to get help is not typical, and I know how lucky I am.

But now I have a plan. I have a new, very low level daily med to take to ease the binds I’ve let slip around my life. I have another, stronger med to take if I have an attack. I have a lifeline. I have a follow-up appointment. I have a referral to see a therapist.

And when she left the room to write up the scripts, the relief just crashed in. I’ve taken the first step and the door wasn’t slammed in my face and while I’m still furious at myself for allowing this to go on, especially when that first step ended up being so painless and simple, I’m just honestly flooded with relief.

I’m looking forward to what comes next, to what my life could look like without being so bogged down in fear, without worrying about something triggering an attack, without having to making room in my life for something that has no right to it.

Get help y’all. You’re worth it.

#anxiety #anxiety disorder #panic disorder #anxiety attacks #chasing rambles #this actually did get a bit rambly but i just needed to get it all out

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bulletproofscales · 6 years

Note

Could i get a fic where seven’s constant snacking while on the computer catches up to him? And then Yoosung finds it adorable and gives him more snacks 👍

– honestly this just makes so much sense BC LIKE HE DOESN’T LEAVE HE HOUSE, EATS SHIT ALL DAY CONSTANTLY WHY HASN’T CHERITZ MADE HIM CHUBBY. you can take this prompt out of my cold dead hands, its cannon and you can not convince me otherwise.–

When Saeyoung invited him to live with him, he couldn’t have been more excited. Not only leaving his dusty studio-apartment; but getting to live with his boyfriend was a massive bonus. The proposal came with Seven’s ascension in his job; apparently he was so good at what he did he became one of the main hackers in the company, which dismissed him from any field mission. He didn’t really knew what that meant; not at least he moved in.

Yoosung didn’t know what to do with himself, how much longer he could repress this, what he thinks Zen would describe as “the beast”; he thought was silly back then but know he really was considering going to the actor for some sort of advice on the issue, that’s how you know, the blond was desesperate. Sevens promotion meant he could stay all day inside; which given the amount of tasks that he had to do, was spent mostly in front of the computer working… and snacking.

Before, he had to keep himself slim for their field missions, and would have to do this sort of special agent training, but not anymore. He could snack all he wanted; and was unconsciously, driving Yoosung to the brink of madness. If seeing him stuffing himself crazy as he worked wasn’t enough; when the effects of his diet began to show, he was officially lost. Seeing him almost everyday, he realized his gain when the redhead was already properly, chubby; jeans snug to his pudgy thighs, button threatening to pop by the pressure of his soft expanding stomach, old red t-shirt rising over his belly button, unable to go down any further the expanse of skin, the rest of the shirt hugging every curve of his love handles and softened chest. He eventually stopped using his hoodie, the extra tightness from it becoming too much; Yoosung missed that, where he would try to wear it, and his flabby arms looked ready to burst… those were the days. When Yoosung left for class, Seven had only one bag of chips down, when he arrived four hours later, there were fifteen; the blond thought it was logically impossible but also, knew for a fact the older would not waste that big amount of chips just for a prank. So…his boyfriend was already gaining weight on his own, him contributing to it…wouldn’t do any harm, right?

And just like that Yoosung’s scheme began, he would make Saeyoung eat, if possible, even more snacks. However he had to make a drastic change of plans, the redhead would often decline, after stuffing himself with the same type of fries all day; it only made sense he didn’t want a 20th bag. It didn’t matter though, since the younger thought of an even better idea, finally all of the cooking lessons his mom gave him were useful; as he began to cook home cooked meals when he got from class, and in large amounts of it. It was just an oddity in the hacker’s routine to have something that wasn’t take out or delivery; he was unable to say no to his boyfriend’s efforts, almost always ending to too full to even stand. The blond would also make food for him to eat during the day while he was out studying, it would variete from full on meals, to desserts, to experiments he wanted him to try; and not only was he official tester of Yoosung’s masterpieces, but would also make sure to polish every single plate as if there was never food in the first place. The blond could only smirk at the man in front of him, it worked.

He heard the door click and soft footsteps, but he couldn’t turn around to greet Yoosung properly. Not only because the chair he had been using for most of his career had somehow become too tight, but he was also in the middle of what he would consider the most important of missions that would determine his company’s fate.

“Hey babe!” He said half heartedly. He noticed his boyfriend got the message as he hummed and walked over to the kitchen; most likely to prepare another delicious meal; his stomach rumbled. Ugh, he would love if he could go get a snack; or even better, not have finished all of the snacks before noon… That would’ve been nice. He took a moment to adjust himself on his chair; he had to do a lot that lately, finding himself uncomfortable in the position he was in oftentimes feeling restraining. He raised himself up with his arms, which was taking a lot more effort than usual; probably tiredness. Took his sides, which poked out of the space between the arm rests in his chair sitting back down, and got on track again.

“Seven! Dinner is ready!” Fuck, he still wasn’t finished, and this was real time urgency. He would be lying if he told Yoosung he wasn’t hungry, hell, he was starving; but he wasn’t sure what would happen to him if he failed this mission, yet he was sure he didn’t want to find out.

“I-I’m sorry, Yoosungie. I have to finish this as soon as possible!” He really was sorry, the redhead hated having to put his job before his boyfriend. Besides, he was almost finished; he just needed a little bit more time. He sighed as he heard footsteps approach him; the blond wasn’t convinced, and he knew it.

“You know I don’t like it when you skip meals Saeyoungie.” He spoke sternly, the younger man could have so much authority over him when he wanted; the nickname only making Seven want to go with him to have dinner even more. “It’s really important, isn’t it?” He asked defeatedly; the older didn’t have to look to sense the disappointment in his question.

“Yes honey, I really have to finish this or else I-” His apology was interrupted by the loud rumbling of his stomach; normally he wouldn’t have minded, but he could feel Yoosung’s stare go from his belly to his face. A smirk could be heard in the way he talked.

“Wait a second.” He walked off to the kitchen and came back again to his boyfriend’s desk with a tray. “‘ll feed you.” It wasn’t a question, and something about that made Saeyoung eager to finish his work as quick as possible; not because that was Vanderwood’s orders though. With his statement said the younger brought a chair and sat besides him; and began to bring the pizza slices to the redhead’s mouth, who eagerly bit into it. He hummed happily and mindlessly munched slice after slice; heart swelling at Yoosung’s worry but the fuller he got the more he began to question his boyfriend’s attitude. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but it felt as if the tension was rising; both of their breaths heavy, he could feel himself grow warmer, maybe because of the food, most likely because of Yoosungs piercing stare.

He sighed loudly and threw himself back at his chair and spoke out of breath “Finally.” He gave Yoosung a wide smile “You can keep going though.” His smile turned sheepish.Blushing under the younger’s smirk, look in his eyes turning slightly dark. Saeyoung squirmed; beginning to understand his boyfriend’s plan.

“Saeyoungie, you already finished the three pizzas.” Three?! The redhead choked on his own spit, his appetite really did grow with all the pampering hsi was getting“Don’t worry, I’ll get you dessert” He said as he pinched his puffy cheek quite teasingly and walked into the kitchen, Seven gulped. The younger innocently came back with the same tray; but this time with a ridiculously large chocolate cake; he knew him too well. Saeyoung’s puth agape as he stared as Yoosung sat back down, not in his chair; but in his lap. The tray in one hand and a single fork in the other. “I was planning on leaving this for tomorrow; but seeing how fast you are eating everything I make; I thought you might want it.” The older could only moan a response, the weight of the 3 pizzas beginning to hit him, the weight of his boyfriend on top of him, and the weight of the realization of what was going down without him noticing becoming too much for him to handle. Ans Yoosung began feeding getting a big chunk of the humid cake and letting his boyfriend munch on it, eyes rolling to the back of his head as he moaned. “Yeah, you like it don’t you? Stuffing your face silly when I’m not around. Do you think you can keep all the fun to yourself huh? Not today sweetheart, today I’m in charge, and I’m going to feed you until you brust.”

He moaned loudly in between bites one hand grabbing Yoosung by the hip and pulling him closer and another holding the tray so the younger could roam his hands around the taunt expanse of skin. Saeyoung felt in heaven; massages making the pain from the stuffing fade away, the taste of the chocolate cake filling him with pleasure, and kisses from his boyfriend in between bites, chocolate sweet taste mixing in each others mouths. It all had the hacker ecstatic. This was the first time of them doing anything remotely close t feederism, hell, he didn’t even know that was what was happening until now. He never imagined it would feel this amazing, he felt like royalty. “So this was your plan all along? To fatten me up? And here I thought you actually cared for me.” He playfully said out of breath.

“As if you didn’t like it” Yoosung brought his face close grabbing the remaining of the cake with his hand and pushing it past Saeyoung’s lips humming approvingly, as he obediently swallows.Even though Seven’s work was done, the food was finished, they stayed like that for a while. Yoosung’s hands freely exploring the hard dome, easing up the pain; making the redhead relax immensely; all tension gone from his body he would kiss the blond’s forehead softly. Both of them growing sleepy. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” He stood up from his lap, and Saeyoung found himself missing the other’s hands over him. “You worked all day, you need to rest.” His heart would always warm at the thought of his boyfriend worrying for him, still not used to the emotion of being taken care of. He smiled fondly at him as he got up from his chair. Or, at least, he attempted to, get you from his chair; his face grew warmer becoming the same color as his hair.

“Ummm, baby? I’m stuck.”

#ask #annon #request #mysticmessenger #msyme #yooseven #chubby seven #fat seven #feedee seven #feeder yoosung #mystic messenger chubb #mysme feederism #mysme feedee #mysme fat

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fightmewiatch · 6 years

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Every so often, I have a day, one where something happens that keeps popping up things in my head that bug tf out of me.

Today is...one of those days. Lol. But today I’m gonna write out, hopefully throwing it out will help me clear my head. (And it’s going under a cut, because it is looooong).

So, today I got an email from my supervisor that my productivity is really too low. Which, I knew that, I knew it wouldn’t be spot on. It was only based on the last few weeks, so I did email back to let her know that the last few weeks I’ve been getting constant headaches bc of my eyes / old glasses, but I finally went to the eye doctor last week so I should be better once I get the new glasses.

Here’s the thing about this job. We log requests for medical records that are sent to specific hospitals/doctors offices/etc into our system (requests from patients, insurance, other health facilities, law firms, etc.). (We also send out the records, but I only do the first part of the job.) Working from home, I get assigned to a bunch of different facilities - sometimes that place is in Louisiana, sometimes Florida, sometimes it’s a country-wide place. When I change facilities, I have to “transfer” on my timecard, so they can see how long I’m spending in each website (and then the physical system keeps track of how many requests I’ve put in).

It’s pretty much become commonplace for me to run out of work LONG before the end of the day, and then I email my super (same one who sent me my productivity), & ask for work. If I’m lucky, she answers me within ten minutes with more work. More often than not, I’m waiting between 30 minutes and several hours, and by that point, I email her at least one more time, and then try to find work on my own.

No one has ever told me otherwise, so when I run out of work, I tend to stay in the facility I was last in (so instead of 2 hours in one place, I can be shown there for 2.5 or more, even without having work). When I emailed her back, I specifically asked her if there was a different place to “Transfer�� to, so I don’t throw off my numbers, considering I often have to wait a while.

To no surprise, I answered her at least an hour before the end of the day, and she didn’t answer.

(I’m not looking for ways to fix this, I’m just basically throwing down what sparked the day.)

I’ve worked at 2 law firms in my life.

Law Firm #1.

Family firm (owned & run by a husband & wife - he was the name on the door, she was his secretary / office manager).

This place was wild.

I worked here twice. Once for two years, before I moved for school, and then after school (and a different job), I came back for another two and a half. And let me tell you.

The first time I worked there, as secretary:

I worked part time. There was a second secretary who had been there a LOT longer that everyone loved but she was one of those older women who was certain no one else knew what they were talking about sometimes.

My boss (owner, lead atty) wanted a listing of Potential Clients. Since we mostly did school law, business law, estate planning, and real estate, you think we would limit to that, yes? Nooooo. I had to make an excel spreadsheet of EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the phone book. Yes, you read that right. I had to spend my downtime putting THE PHONE BOOK (you remember those, right?) into an Excel Spreadsheet, so he could organize it by: first name, last name, city, address. Didn’t have an address? Find it by any possible means so long as it doesn’t cost money.

My boss decided he loved Spreadsheets. I then had to transfer our entire client file (which was, at the time, comprised of about...2100 clients) into Excel. Also, so he could organize it by: First Name, Last Name, Business Name, Address/City, Reason for them being a client (god help us if they were there for multiple things), OR, for the schools, who the Superintendents were.

Sounds decent. But we had three different client lists to update every single time we got new info or a new client. Two in Word (one by Last Name, and one by Client Number) (which had been printed out for a hard copy that we had to keep reprinting to update them), & the one in Excel (which I fucking refused to print out, bc we’re talking HUNDREDS of pages, and what a waste of $$ and paper).

Each time you created a new client, you had to write the information down on a sticky note and take it upstairs to K in billing, so she could make sure the information was put into her billing system. (and then she would give it to T who did payroll & incoming payments, so when people paid, they’d know what the $$ was for.)

Overall, my first 2 years there were okay. Nothing horrible, really, it was fine.

But then, the second time I worked there (approx. 3 years between leaving & coming back), in billing:

I was the billing assistant. K was still Head Billing. I adored her, we were friends despite the 30+ year age gap.

The Billing Office was shared: me & K, and T had been transferred in there but she still did Payroll & Incoming.

We were still at 4 attorneys, but 2 of the ones I used to work with were gone & 2 others were in place; and we fluctuated with other people in the building - 6 to 7 to 6 to 7.

The secretary was the same as before, but she left about a month after I came back (she retired). They hired another woman, J. She was very experienced, very helpful, very firm, I really liked her.

At first.

Her mom passed away (and I felt so bad, bc she hated her mom’s bf & there were a lot of issues and things), and afterwards, she wasn’t my friend anymore, she just seemed to be looking for a reason to leave.

T was terrible with math (which is AWFUL for someone doing, you know, PAYROLL and INCOMING PAYMENTS). I mean terrible. We added up our own timecards, and I was shitty at keeping the math right, so I found a website to help (which I then shared with the paralegals who fucking loved it). But a couple times, T messed up hours for one of the paralegals, and the girl mentioned it to me bc I collected the cards (T had leg problems, so she limited herself to coming up & down the steps as much as she could - I did running for her).

One time, when payroll got printed, and T was working from home, I checked her math, just because she wasn’t there, & I knew the boss would be leaving and if the paralegal didn’t catch it quickly, she would have to wait another day for the correct check (guys, you know how big of a pain that can be especially if you need that money). In the process, I pulled out J’s, trying to sort through them. I never just look at someone’s check stub, never ever, it is none of my business, and the only reason I was looking in the first place was hours, not pay. But J got a raise. No one in that building ever got a raise. Never. I’d worked there (at this point), a grand total of 3 years, and the only “raises” I got was a) bc they rehired me, and b) they wanted to make me a paralegal (which I didn’t want, but they let me keep the pay difference).

The OM called me into her office a few hours later, and just ripped into me for going through payroll & telling everyone about J’s raise which is NO ONE else’s business, and I was so flustered bc I didn’t know what she was talking about. Turns out, J told the OM that I was telling everyone she got a raise, so instead of calmly asking me, she asked if I looked at payroll, and I was honest, and she just lectured me like a stern, mad, disappointed parent (you know...the tone of voice & the facial expressions that can send you into an anxiety attack). The young attorney was my friend, he actually came to my defense when he found out what happened, told the OM that I didn’t tell anyone anything, that J was bragging about her pay raise to the paralegals (and since he spent time down there working, he heard her). (I never did get an apology from J for lying about me, or from the OM for yelling at me like I was a disgrace.)

It was one of my responsibilities to go to Staples & pick up supplies with a business check. (That’s right. We didn’t order anything in, I physically drove up, shopped, paid, and hauled it back myself. In 2.5 years, I was only offered help twice. The young attorney had a perfect view of my car from his office, never came out unless I went in and asked (and I only ever asked him to carry the GIANT BOXES OF PAPER). We had a list down front of everything we needed - printer ink, paper, pens, staples, tape, etc etc etc. Sporadically, my boss would ask me to bring her the list, I’d triple check it so nothing got missed, and bring it to her, then she’d nod nod nod, hand me a signed check, and let me get it.

One time, she told me to get everything we needed. No biggie, typically. But this rang out over $300, minimum (I’m almost blanking). I am telling you, she nearly had steam shooting out of her ears, and refused to let me go (like I’d messed up somehow) for well over a month.

The bosses & at least one of their daughters (they had 4 kids) were Pro-Trump. (This is...this is all I need to say about this.)

J wound up showing up 2 hours late for work, going up to the boss, telling her she quits, and then leaving. (They tried to get her to stay with, you guessed it, another raise and a duty change. She still left.) We hired B, a lovely timid women. She was very, very nice, and as far as I know she’s still there.

The two paralegals left and were replaced - one left, the 2nd trained the 1sts replacement, and then the replacement trained the 2nds replacement. (It was hilarious when the OM introduced us to the first replacement bc I knew her. I worked with her at the other law firm. We laughed, waved, smiled, good times.)

For a while, I had to sit in on meetings my boss had with clients (I had to take notes). This became rare for me, because once they had the 2 paralegals, they took turns, with B. We never really conversed with the clients beyond hi, but once I managed to have a nice conversation with a couple who had a place in Florida, and we talked bc it was at a place I had been to earlier the year before for my sister’s wedding, and we were having a nice conversation. Which, as you guessed, was interrupted by my boss who looked flummoxed that I, a low billing clerk, would have anything in common with his clients that he didn’t have in common with them. (He never said that, but you could see it well enough on his face.)

They had a quirk. They kept everything. Every bill that had been printed, it was printed, then copied - clients got the original, we kept two copies, one for when they paid (we would staple either a copy of the check or the check stub to the bill, so we knew what checks paid what bills), and then a copy for Billing, with any notes, adjustments, etc etc. (I’m talking bills back at least a decade, just thrown into the back apartment.)

I should mention here? The Office Building was an old apartment building. The entire downstairs and most of the upstairs had been converted into offices, but there was 1 last apartment in the very back that had a couple broken window panes, dust, bugs, etc etc. It’s where they stored old Bills & Paid Bills (anything older than 1 year).

We’re pretty sure it’s haunted (I say this, bc I did record the sound of a giggling little girl in that back apartment, which is upstairs, not connected to any other buildings, and there were no little girls in there at the time.)

I worked there 2013 to 2017, this time around. Around 2014, I talked to K, and the OM, and made the suggestion to get rid of those bills. But not just toss them, no. Let’s SCAN THEM IN! I was excited when they loved the idea. (My poor, poor stupid self.) I had to scan in every bill (we’re talking thousands and thousands) of bills, I scanned in every single bill that we sent out between, like...2006 and 2015, by the time I left (I left Jan of 2017, and idk if I finished scanning in 2016 before I did).

This meant: unstapling at least a dozen pages per bill, scanning in every page of the bill, plus every page fo the last draft bill (bc of course there are multiple drafts), logging every single bill into a Spreadsheet so we knew what we had, for whom, and where. I had to set up a bunch of fucking folders - one for every year, broken down into month, broken down to Schools or Miscellaneous (Everything else), broken down to Bills and Drafts, so we didn’t mix things up. This was fine if the bill was between 1 and 10 pages, but after 2009, we had bills that were twenty, thirty, forty pages long, I am not joking, and if one page messed up, I had to scan them all in AGAIN bc I was using the free Adobe.

It was tiring, so I printed out pricing, asked the OM if we could get the monthly subscription.(This was maybe mid 2014, I think). (And then promptly watched her hum, and put it somewhere never to be seen again.) K, her gracious soul, prompted the boss a couple times, but it was brushed off every time.

I finally paid it myself, fuck it, I’m not rescanning 80 pages bc 1 page got stuck in the scanner.

One months before I left, the paralegals asked me about it, bc they had me fix stuff, scan stuff, bc i Had the better program, so I told them were to look. They asked the OM, who then asked me why I was paying for it myself. (I could have screamed.)

My bosses were the kind of people who went to church, and thought that made them good people. The Big Man had a library of religious DVDs, books, CDs that he loaned out to people. Asked me to, yup, make and keep the Spreadsheet of everything - one for CDs/DVDs, one for Books - and then keep the log/keep track of who borrowed what, & when it was returned. (This included tagging each item with a number. Had 6 of the same thing? Then 6 of them were given the same number). I stopped keeping such good track when he started accepting returns & not telling me who brought them back, or started loaning them without telling me what and to whom, & started adding things in without telling me so I could label them (and then loaning them out without me having numbered/logged them).

My boss wanted me to work on the Website and their FB page. Thought we could send out an email to everyone (when I say everyone, I don’t just mean clients, I mean every person he could get an email for in the county), and when the IT guy said no, bc a mass email that size would most likely go to Spam, he said “Isn’t there a way to make sure it goes in their inbox?” and we all looked at each other as he said, “No, not unless we hack everyone’s emails, and that is very much against the law.”

I got paid mileage, because I often went to Staples, the bank, the boss’ house, two of the employees’ houses, two of the schools (who needed their bills NOW, not whenever the mail was sent out) and the Post office. One time I wrote the wrong mileage - I added going to the employees’ house, bc I did, but I did it on my way to/from lunch, so it didn’t count, but I was in a rush to write it, and I forgot until she was asking me why it was broken up. When I told her, she gave me the look, like I was trying to steal from her, and lectured me about it. (It was an accident, okay?)

T had diabetes, and after a lot of other medical issues and family issues, she had even more and they had to take her leg below the knee, and because the office wasn’t Handicapped accessible (there was some legal loophole that kept them from having to update the building), she got to work from home. The OM honest-to-god, when we were talking about how awful it was that they had to take the leg, said (summarizing) no one else has problems in comparison. ....I had to stare to try and figure out if she was serious (she was), because, yeah, it’s awful, but her problems did not negate anyone else’s, and man I feel sorry if that’s how you feel.

The program we used for billing went down one day. We called called texted called our IT guy, but he didn’t answer, didn’t answer, didn’t answer, and then finally said he’d be there at some point but he didn’t know when (he worked 3 other jobs, and was our IT guy, it was not a good setup, I’m sorry). My entire job revolved around this program, so I couldn’t do anything, so after waiting all morning, I emailed the OM before I went to lunch that I could just take the afternoon off (I figured it was better they not pay me at all, instead of paying me to twiddle my thumbs; K agreed (and she’d been there since they pretty much opened the doors at least 20 years before)), and then clocked out and went to lunch. when I dropped my mom off after, the OM called me, screaming at me because how dare I just leave, I needed to be in that office, just made me feel about an inch tall because I did that (and reminded me I had things I could do for the website, which I swear I had forgotten about bc I was so distracted by the damn program). I had to crawl back to work for the afternoon, and listen to another lecture, basically belittling me for the choice I made, that I don’t get to make that choice (I was seriously the only person who doesn’t get to make that choice, pretty much everyone else in that office was able to work from home, leave if something at the office wasn’t working, etc). (I still hear her in my head some days, if that tells you how bad that day fucked me up.)

We had bowed windows in Billing. We also had our own furnace/ac system. The insulation was long gone, so in the summer, if the AC was on (and down to about 60/65) it was fine, but the second it kicked off, you burned up. In the winter, if the heat was on (we had it cranked to 80), it was fine, but when it kicked off, it FROZE, i had to wear sweaters and gloves while I worked. K did, too. The first time I was there, they had space heaters up there. But the bosses hired the worst construction crew ever (hired them bc they were clients, btw), who had to rewire something else, which rigged Billing so that if we tried to use a space heater, it would blow the entire breaker on our side of the building.

Despite everything K or I said, about the fact that it leaked into billing when it rained, we were ignored. Until the day it poured in on me, and two ceiling tiles fell (lucky for them, I was already leaping out of my seat from the cold water, or I’d have had a field day). The guys fixed the side of the building, but never replaced the tiles (which we knew was because, if they replaced the two that had fallen, they’d have to replace all of them, which meant they’d have to admit to knowing about the mold in the ceiling).

I’m adding these as an after-bullet-point, because I did these both times I worked there.

This firm handled business, school, estate plans, and real estate law. This meant they wanted brochures, but not just A Brochure, with highlights for the company, no. Brochures for the general work we did, our school work, our business work, our estate plans, & our real estate work, each one with each (relevant) attorney on it (as attorneys left, they had to be removed, & as they joined, they were added - including their photograph, which they didn’t always provide and I had to dig for). Brochures were tri-fold, but at one point, we had 5 attorneys, and with the other (honest to god) bull drivel that was on these brochures, 5 did not fit in a tri-fold, meaning I had to figure out how to fit a 5th without it looking ridiculous. (And my boss was kind of...irritating, in the fact that I should show him how it would look A DOZEN TIMES, in a DOZEN WAYS, get his sign off, print 20 copies - as he told me to do - only for him to “suddenly” change his mind, meaning I wasted paper (at minimum $25 a box, and ink at minimum $25 a cartridge/$49 for black & color).

Sometimes (two to three times a year, I think) they did seminars, where they would compile a binder related to the Specific Thing (estate planning, real estate, school staff training, etc), because they were going to basically hold a class, pass these binders out, teach the attendees things. It was always my responsibility to assemble these binders (which typically wound up being 1 for the file, 1 for the OM, 1 for boss, 1 for whatever attorney was presenting, and approx. 5 to 25, depending on how many people were attending). Low end, we’re talking 9, high end, 29. Before I could even begin to assemble, the boss/OM/attorney had to get the stuff together for the binder - the forms, the spreadsheets, the index, literally think of a Handbook, and that’s what we were putting together. The boss had final say on everything. This is a man who has no concept of a timeline. So the day before the presentation, he was finishing the edits. OM would give me a check (she didn’t bat an eye for this shit, ever), send me to Staples to pick up all the supplies: binders, cover stock (bc yes, I also had to print covers, and use a blank piece of matching cover stock as a “back cover”), ink, regular paper, divider pages (meaning: colored construction paper), pens & notepads (bc ofc those were included, in case they had to take notes), and brochure paper (bc those were included, too). In less than 8 hours, I had to: use my computer to print anything in color or anything on the non-regular-paper (the copy machine was only normal paper, b&w); copy everything 9-29 times in the copy machine; hole punch everything (with a hole punch that would do max 10 pages at a time, and honey, they were rarely only 10 pages); assemble in order the binders; trim the card stock covers (bc somehow, they never fucking fit otherwise); and then try to stack 9-29 uneven binders on the 2nd floor conference room table. (And sometimes? Yes. Sometimes, the boss would take one when I was half-way through (without me knowing sometimes btw), and make some changes, meaning I’d have to take them apart and redo those pages, which meant going back to the computer, editing the original document, reprinting & copying, repunching, and reindexing). Please note: yes, I said in less than 8 hours, but that is being generous, bc do you think this man was ready for me to start when I walked in? No. He’d call the office around 11 or 12 to have me start (he often “started his day” from home, a mile away), so I’d go pick up the information, get it done, and get started bc I had to get a check, shop for supplies, print, copy, punch, arrange, index 9 to 29 binders with min 10 pages in each, plus covers, plus divider pages as necessary, between 12pm and 5pm. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

(I know this is long, I’m sorry, last spot.)

My other job.

Law Firm #2

Owned by one man who was like 400 years old and half dust. (He was a piece of work. His son was also a lawyer, but he & his new wife hated his son, and he constantly tried to sue his son to keep him from using his name in his business. They...they had the same last name.)

His wife owned a dress shop that was PRICED HIGH but was not very good quality (and actually had a second shop in the City).

They lived in a mansion. With maids. And the wife thought it appropriate to call in before we got in for the day, leave a list of things needed from the store, so one of the employees at the office (she used a couple of us as her own servants) could go to the store, get it, and bring it to the house.

I was hired as a Work Comp Clerk. Meaning I send out the subpoenas to health care facilities/doctors/etc to get bills and records for court. But the second they saw I’d been a secretary (at Firm #1) before, they took that chance. Made me secretary first thing in the morning (before the actual lady showed up), and for an hour after lunch (while the actual lady was at lunch). This was the busiest hour of the day. It was an 11 line phone, and no one else was allowed to answer it. (Firm #1? 4 lines and a fax, with 3 people as backup.)

I did fine at first. Made friends with the girls I worked with, and the other attorneys.

The owner, and the office manager? Nope. They hated me. I hated them. They looked for anything to get mad at me for.

I do not speak Spanish. 2 people in the office do (the secretary, and the woman who was made to do running for the wife). There was one time neither of them were in after lunch (usually 1 of them was there), while I was working the front desk, so of course someone called in that spoke Spanish. I told them, uno momento, por favor, bc I do know that much at least, put them on hold, called the OM. She raced up, started rifling the desk to tell me there was a sticky that said how to say one minute please, and I said “I know how to say that, and I did, that’s why they’re on hold. What do I do now?” And she looked at me like I’d grown a second head, before huffing and telling me to call our maintenance man (who spoke Spanish), so he could translate for me. (I think the secretary came in before I could, so she did the call for me.

I started having trouble doing my job. I’d never get records or bills, I’d spend half the day on the phone going round & round trying to figure out what the problem was, I’d keep sending reminder requests, but some of them I just could not get. One of the attorneys I explained this too, and he took a second to realize what I meant, before saying it was fine, just try, and if I can’t, I can’t.

Two of the attys left, and were replaced with 1 attorney who had just gotten his license, and one who had not yet taken the bar (so she legally wasn’t an attorney). They were nice, the attorneys there were (mostly) nice.

About halfway through the time I worked there (8 months. I was there 8 months), someone started calling, leaving threatening messages at night on the voicemail. It got to the point that one night, the secretary asked me to cover the front desk a little bit before I went home bc she had to go in with the boss and the OM, and a cop, so they could play the messages and figure out what to do. She didn’t mention there was a cop coming, no one did, so when he showed up, I did what I’m trained to do (write down his name, what he wants, etc) and went back to the boss’ office to ask him. “Well who is it?” “Officer XX.” “...is his first name Officer?!” “...well, no.” “Go find out what his name is!” He actually even called me an idiot, in the loudest possible voice, and kicked me out of his office. I was shaking, I was so angry, and I went up front, and whipped the notepad to the desk (it’s funny now bc the young atty was coming out of his office, saw me throw the notepad, and turned back and went into his office lol). The cop asked me if he could go in and I said no, he wasn’t ready yet, and the cop sighed, said he had a job to do, and they called him, and I got short with him and basically told him they’d call up when they were ready, so SIT DOWN. (Thankfully, they called up for him, so I walked him back and then just sat at the front desk, seething.)

Honestly, that was the downfall. That was when I started looking for a job, but considering I’ve got anxiety and a fear of public speaking and all that non-fun stuff, it isn’t easy (and I never know how to answer interview questions, which genuinely makes them think I’m stupid, I’ve seen their faces).

Just over a month before my birthday, I walked into work (on Monday), and went to put my bag at my desk. I got confused, seeing someone in my chair, but I just figured it was so she could train with the lady in the next desk, and I didn’t care bc I was working the front desk for that first hour. But just before the hour was up, the OM came up to me, asked me to come see her when I was done up there. Okay. Told me to bring my purse. ...o...okay. Finished the hour, grabbed my purse, went back. SURPRISE. That new girl was my replacement, and I was being demoted, which came with a pay decrease, as well as an hour decrease (although I was still expected to have lunch at the same time, and cover the front for the same time frames, even though they were taking 2 hours off my schedule every single day and over a dollar off my pay), and I was the runner. Because I wasn’t doing my job to their standards (they never told me that, they never gave me a warning, they never gave me a head’s up. Just BAM you’re fucked). I worked until 3 (per my new schedule), walked into her office, said “I’m not coming back, I can’t do this job anymore.” She shrugged, and turned away from me. I quit. (I had called my mom around lunch and her first words were “Fuck them, you quit & come home right now.” I just told her I needed to finish the day.)

I filed unemployment.

We did the hearing: one of the attorneys I liked was representing them, with the OM as one witness, and my closest coworker as the other. I felt awful and betrayed because we’d kept in touch (this was a month after I left, ish), but here she was telling them all my negative traits - including that I would stare out the window for periods of time. I explained to them (as I did while I worked there) that it helped my eyes, and helped me think, when I couldn’t remember my Next Step. After a little while of them talking shit about me, talking about how terrible I was, and all that stuff to make them file against me so I don’t get anything. And after hearing me say I had no warning, the hearing officer interrupted me and said “So...OM, you never gave her warning.” “Nope.” “You didn’t give her a head’s up, didn’t give her a chance to correct her problems, just expected her to keep working for you after cutting her hours, and her pay, and changing her responsibilities. With no warning.” “Right.” “Are you crazy?” I won. I laughed maniacally.

When the following year’s W-2′s came out (i worked for them a few months the year they were for, so I needed theirs), mine didn’t show when it was supposed to, so I called. New girl, said she got hers, put me on hold, “called the OM”, who told her to tell me that yes, they were sent. I got it 3 days later (postmarked the day I called. Mailed mine out my fucking ass).

added: Oh yeah. Someone had called at one point, & there was A Thing I was supposed to do, but no one had ever told me about it, never mentioned it, etc etc, so I didn’t know it existed, meaning I didn’t know there was something I didn’t know (following me?). I asked the OM. She said “well, if you didn’t know, you should have asked.” “...I...didn’t know. Like, in any capacity. How do I ask about something I don’t know exists? It’s not that I didn’t know how to do it, I didn’t know it was a thing.” “You should have asked.”

Yeah.

I think that’s it.

#sorry guys #i know this is really long #i just had to get a LOT off my plate #and my chest

1 note · View note

shadowed-moonrise · 6 years

Text

ooc: elia and ashka chat logs

[ooc comments supposed to be removed but i might have missed some. there is a Lot of logs bc we forgot to post until now]

shadowed-moonrise

oh my god what is WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE

shadowed-moonrise

i got some horrifying anons!!! theyre so horrifying!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

hang on let me turn off my blacklist for a moment

quick question: what the fuck

(not directed at you!)

shadowed-moonrise

i just

wow????

they sent me a followup ask like 'didnt you read what i said, my gf likes it'

shadowed-moonrise

and............... i dont....... think she does

like that does not sound like a healthy relationship and i hope they just made it up to creep on me

flameofcertainty

"hi i'm a rapist"

"wtf"

"no but she likes when i rape her"

i just

*what the fuck*

shadowed-moonrise

right

WHAT THE FUCK.

shadowed-moonrise

i was just talking earlier abt how i dont actually like that anybody can read my hyper posts but i make them on publicblog for like Awareness right?

shadowed-moonrise

and i thought i meant like abstractly, like maybe theres somebody reading them and cackling bc they dont agree w/ my politics or whatever?

but APPARENLTY

APPARENTLY

people will send me creepy asks about raping their hyper gf

flameofcertainty

some people are just really terrible?

i guess?

what are they even getting out of this?

shadowed-moonrise

i think some people just........ enjoy making other people suffer????

or maybe somehow they thought i would be like "i think this is hot or a good thing to do or whatever, thank you for your service to the hypersensitive community"

i dunno what goes on in these peoples head

shadowed-moonrise

heads

flameofcertainty

maybe tumblr just hates hypersensitives or something

it would explain a lot

shadowed-moonrise

like, okay, but what would you hate hypersensitives for

like theres somebody who hates hypos (and IS A NAT THERAPIST, AUGH) for.... not hating pollution enough, i guess

but hypersensitives are boring? we dont go outside much bc the outside is fully of scary?

flameofcertainty

maybe tumblr is just weird like that?

or maybe we're easy targets?

shadowed-moonrise

oh yeah that makes sense

flameofcertainty

most meso folks don't have a button they can press to get a reaction out of us

shadowed-moonrise

if you wanna make somebody suffer its so easy to target people with a big 'make me suffer' button

flameofcertainty

right

shadowed-moonrise

ugh im sort of regretting making it public

i could have just not mentioned it and had a really good blacklist

flameofcertainty

most of the time people aren't that bad

and then there'll be a week or two

where people send you nothing but asks about pollution

shadowed-moonrise

i blacklist some stuff but im generally okay talking about pollution if its like, abstract, so i dont do it that aggressively and then........ sometimes............. people take advantage of that

shadowed-moonrise

i wish you could like, have vulnerabilities without people just randomly deciding to fuck with you for no reason

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

hang on

i just scrolled down

>i’ll put my foreign object ;;;;) in your body ;;;;) ;;;;)

***what the fuck***

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

oh GOD

i just got

another

flameofcertainty

oh no

how bad is it

shadowed-moonrise

bad enough im not sure i should tell you what it says

flameofcertainty

my brain is helpfully providing suggestions

why is it like this

are you okay

shadowed-moonrise

im.... probbly going to be in a minute

fuck

"the last "person" to hide their caste on this hellsite turned out to be red. i bet you aren't even hyper, you're just pretending so people won't suspect. i know what you really are."

thats what it says

flameofcertainty

aaaaaaaa

what the fuck

flameofcertainty

why would anyone send that to you

shadowed-moonrise

i dont know

what did i *do*

flameofcertainty

i don't know

fuck

i guess if they think you're red that would explain why they hate you?

but seriously

what the fuck

flameofcertainty

i'm so sorry

flameofcertainty

why would anyone say that

shadowed-moonrise

anon hate doesnt usually get to me like this but

sob

why

the fuck

i dunno if they even really think that or they just want to upset me

flameofcertainty

i don''t

i don't know

fuck i'm so sorry

are you going to be okay

shadowed-moonrise

yeah. yeah.

flameofcertainty

is there anything i can do

shadowed-moonrise

i dont

think so

flameofcertainty

other than not be the sort of terrible person who would send those messages

shadowed-moonrise

thamk you for not being htat sort of person!

im so glad most people arent

flameofcertainty

it's really not hard

shadowed-moonrise

oh i can... go take some eytelia right now

it will only help in 40min but i might still need it then

shadowed-moonrise

brb

shadowed-moonrise

ok back

flameofcertainty

okay

anyways what the fuck

shadowed-moonrise

someday i will have coping mechanisms other than "get high in a way that coincidentally also helps"

flameofcertainty

i mean if it helps

then that's a lot better than nothing

shadowed-moonrise

yeah it is

shadowed-moonrise

im gonna go curl up and not look at the Fuckening Internet, i guess

flameofcertainty

seems reasonable

shadowed-moonrise

ttyl <3

flameofcertainty

ttyl :)

shadowed-moonrise

hiiiiiiiiiiii im back im not sad anymore because im so high

shadowed-moonrise

i got another horrible anon and i dont even caaaare

flameofcertainty

i'm glad you're feeling better

sorry about the terrible anon

shadowed-moonrise

also did you know art is pretty

its so pretty

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i saw a video of a yellow playing the yellowest instrument ever and i wanted to send it to you but tumblr messages werent working on my everything

maybe i can find it again..........

shadowed-moonrise

http://theyre-a-geeky-witch.tumblr.com/post/138457594516/ here

flameofcertainty

that's actually really pretty

flameofcertainty

thanks

flameofcertainty

anyways what's up

shadowed-moonrise

i gotta work in a couple hours

by which time hopefully i will be able to handle it

idk i dont HATE it but its hard on the badbrains

flameofcertainty

i can imagine

shadowed-moonrise

like i feel ok now bc hiiiiiigh but im not very excited about leaving the house and going places

shadowed-moonrise

there will be a green party where im supposed to just pretend to be green tho!

i like those

flameofcertainty

that part sounds nice

at least

shadowed-moonrise

ive been thinking & writing a lot about how thinking-on-drugs works and greens always wanna talk about that

shadowed-moonrise

one time a client had me go to a thing pretending to just be green and it was nice and then she *told everyone she hired me* while i was in the middle of talking about my cs paper (my actual cs paper, which i actually wrote, and she implied i didnt even though i CLEARLY THOROUGHLY UNDERSTOOD IT)

flameofcertainty

???

why would she do that??

shadowed-moonrise

i wish i had just walked away but i didnt know what to do

some people....... have a humiliation kink

shadowed-moonrise

and like, okay, ill do that if you WARN ME, but you cant just spring it on me???

flameofcertainty

i am super not a sex worker but "tell people in advance" seems really obvious

shadowed-moonrise

YEAH

shadowed-moonrise

i didnt really say anything at the time bc i was so shocked but later i like messaged her and was like 'thats super fucked up'

shadowed-moonrise

she didnt really get it but she agreed to pay me extra for like, i didnt know what service i was providing beforehand & thats more costly

but she only engaged with it in like, super businessy terms

flameofcertainty

how does she not get it

this does not seem particularly hard to understand

shadowed-moonrise

i think she was like 'im paying you for both sex work and going to a party so i can just like do whatever, right?'

and there was also some like 'greys are toys'

shadowed-moonrise

fucking blues

shadowed-moonrise

i do not usually go in that much for caste solidarity because im so bad at grey + greys are not great about that but in that moment if somebody asked me i would have supported a military government

i could explain 'pay people for services and also lay out terms beforehand' but not 'greys are.... people..... dont be a fucking asshole'

flameofcertainty

i don't think i've ever actually talked to a blue

at least not to say more than "excuse me, can i get through" or "the soap is in aisle five"

huh

shadowed-moonrise

there... exist blues who are okay

there even exist blues who are okay and hire sex workers and do kinky things about castes with them

flameofcertainty

i believe you

shadowed-moonrise

like 80% of the people who hire me are entirely fine?

flameofcertainty

they can't possibly all be terrible

otoh a terrible blue can screw you over a lot more than a terrible purple

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

im not sure what i would do if a blue client did something illegal to me because...................................... im not sure what i CAN do

flameofcertainty

probably depends on how illegal

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

and who they are

flameofcertainty

yeah

there are supposed to be reporting systems in place if they try to pay you to kill someone or something

idk if they actually do that

shadowed-moonrise

nobody has tried that and i havent heard anybody talking about that but im pretty niche and a lot of my family is green, idk

i feel like if somebody wanted to pay a grey to kill somebody theyd pick one who has ever held a gun

flameofcertainty

probably

but yeah, i'm guessing if you made an important blue mad they could screw you over pretty badly

idk

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

ugh sorry ive been talking about my shit this whole time

it has been kind of A Day i swear i am usually better at conversation

flameofcertainty

it's totally fine!

shadowed-moonrise

how is your day anyay

flameofcertainty

it's been okay

mira and i went to check out that social-dancing place

shadowed-moonrise

oooh

what kind of dance is it?

i guess i might not know purple dances??

flameofcertainty

i don't know if the name will translate

it's mostly the kind you do in a group with other people that's really traditional

shadowed-moonrise

group dances are great

if you have... similar amounts of motor skills to the other people

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

i haven't done anything like it in years and i'm really bad at it but it's still fun

and i'm not bad at it in a stepping-on-feet way

which is probably good, idk

shadowed-moonrise

im pretty sure not stepping on feet is strictly better than the alternative!

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

omg babybro is home <33

flameofcertainty

baby!!!

shadowed-moonrise

he is so good!!!!!!

he taaalks and he plays with me and ive been teaching him abstract concepts bc i find it really exciting when he knows abstract concepts

flameofcertainty

tell me more about this baby

shadowed-moonrise

he can do numbers up to twelve and circles and triangles and 'many' and 'other' and i asked him what one plus one was and he said 'two ones' which means he *actually understands what it means*

he has adooorable curly hair

and a little nose

and he will boop my nose with his nose if i ask him to

and he loves my weighted blanket

flameofcertainty

baaabbyyyy

what a good baby

shadowed-moonrise

i guess at this point he might not 'technically' be a baby anymore? but hes a baaaabbbyyy

[lemme edit a picture of my irl little brother to have green hair]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/fa8d578702cf6c0ed9269902f535982a/tumblr_messaging_p7ryailotL1vio47i_1280.png

https://78.media.tumblr.com/b8ec991036777a0f24c9ed84a194d921/tumblr_messaging_p7ryanbD931vio47i_250.png

baby!!!! <333

second picture featuring Grey Grandma

flameofcertainty

baby!!!!

baaaabbbbyyyyy

he's so smol

shadowed-moonrise

so small!!!!!

and smiley!!!!

flameofcertainty

happy baby!

shadowed-moonrise

i hope he is happy foreeeeever

shadowed-moonrise

his lil nose is tan bc it gets in the sun more than the rest of his face

bc he has a little baby face!!!!!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

little baby face on the little happy baby!!!!

he's so good

shadowed-moonrise

hes next to me playing with my blanket

i looove him

flameofcertainty

what a good baby

shadowed-moonrise

i told him i was talking a friend and he says hi

although im not sure he really gets the idea of the internet yet

he seemed kinda confused

flameofcertainty

hi baby-sibling-of-ashka

flameofcertainty

he's such a cute baby

shadowed-moonrise

his name is avidik

we keep arguing about whether to use avi or idi as a nickname

flameofcertainty

hi avidik!!

shadowed-moonrise

oh no he spilled water on the carpet

its alright its a pretty waterproof carpet

he ran at me and jumped in my arms

so!!!! good!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

eeee

flameofcertainty

baby

flameofcertainty

good baby

shadowed-moonrise

oh also have you seen this yellow violinist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGhPGH2YROA

seems like your kind of thing

flameofcertainty

wow that's pretty

shadowed-moonrise

oh i could take a picture of avi with my violin

he is not green, technically

although he also does not know how to play even a little bit

flameofcertainty

do you play violin too?

shadowed-moonrise

a little

shadowed-moonrise

im not like good at it

but it is fun

rn i am mostly actually learning to sign but i dont understand how notes correspond to mouth sounds so if i need to sightread i play songs on the violin first and then once ive heard them i can sing them

flameofcertainty

violin is great

shadowed-moonrise

it is!!!

i always felt like i should learn piano bc its easy but i like violin so much

one of my other brothers writes a lot of synth music

its really good

he plays it without telling us it's his to get unbiased answers and then he tells us and were like HOLY SHIT

flameofcertainty

gosh

flameofcertainty

that's really sweet

shadowed-moonrise

ok i’m not really online but I TAUGHT AVIDI A LETTER

HE KNOWS A LETTER

i’m so proud of him

shadowed-moonrise

hi hi

flameofcertainty

a letter!

what a good smol!

flameofcertainty

which letter is it?

i guess it might not be a letter orvaran has

shadowed-moonrise

it's [forcetranslate]a[/forcetranslate]

or uh

[forceliteral]a[/forceliteral]

shadowed-moonrise

idk if that worked

flameofcertainty

yeah

we have that sound but it's written differently

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

it's the last one in my name

[preservecharacter] a [/preservecharacter]

shadowed-moonrise

i wonder if its always the same sound

i think it can make a couple sounds in anitami

flameofcertainty

just one in orvaran

flameofcertainty

maybe two

i'm not sure if they're technically separate sounds

and then there's accents and things

shadowed-moonrise

idk if i should try to teach him to read in valtaz

he speaks some but tbh there is just no situation where you even need to be able to read valtaz

flameofcertainty

maybe someday he'll want to swap to yvalta

for some reason

shadowed-moonrise

.............i really doubt it?

i guess if he wants to retire in the Old Country

flameofcertainty

i hear older people sometimes swap for the weather

flameofcertainty

or something

shadowed-moonrise

there are apps to machine translate physical signs and stuff but i guess theyd be annoying to use all the time

flameofcertainty

yeah

if he knows valtaz he can learn to read it if he ever wants to

right?

i'm not really sure how this works

'how to teach your family foreign languages' wasn't really covered in purple school

shadowed-moonrise

i think i should probably teach him the alphabet but not like focus on it

yeah my parents swapped out of yvalta with some retirees who wanted to go there for the weather and were unaffected by the horrible contract system bc they were too old to have more kids anyway

flameofcertainty

i can't really think why else you'd want to live there

flameofcertainty

lineality maybe

but there are other matrilineal countries

shadowed-moonrise

arent most countries matrilineal?

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i think historically matrilineal was easier because like..... there can be ambiguity about who the father is if you dont have good genetic testing (and a database, in some cases), but you can always tell which person a baby literally just came out of

flameofcertainty

that makes sense for why

we're matrilineal

maybe someone who lived in ceredan would swap to yvalta for lineality, ceredan does permissions anyways

except for blues i think

shadowed-moonrise

how do blues even have kids in permissions countries

shadowed-moonrise

"ashka your family is from a permissions country" its not like they talked to blues a bunch

flameofcertainty

i think they have to impress other blues

probably they don't let you give yourself a permission

because then everyone would just do that

shadowed-moonrise

.....how many kids does the most important blue get to have tho

flameofcertainty

no idea

i think it varies by country

the one with the bears and no greys makes a big deal about the monarch only getting two

shadowed-moonrise

i guess with blues its always more "how many kids is it a good idea to have so that they can give them all a good inheritance" than "how many kids can they literally afford"

aww thats kinda cute

shadowed-moonrise

if i lived in a country where the king had like six kids i would be pretty pissed

flameofcertainty

good inheritances might be less important in permissions countries

i bet the way you impress people is with politics

or maybe real estate if you're bribing people, idk

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

it’s impressive that most permissions countries basically function okay

cuz like it seems like blues having to care so much about impressing other blues would mess with things

flameofcertainty

yeah

i don't think they function as well as most places

but that could just be propaganda

shadowed-moonrise

yeahhh idk how to tell the difference between “permissions countries kind of suck” and “permissions countries are usually small, often ex-oahk, etc, which makes stuff harder on them” and “our governments just don’t like them”

i’m low key impressed that blues in auction countries don’t make too many blue credits so they’ll be cheaper, tbh

i guess they super don’t make those decisions in spring + the international community would not be too happy about it

flameofcertainty

everyone i know from a permissions country says they suck but that's like two people

and if you increase blue credits everyone who isn't blue gets mad

shadowed-moonrise

my parents say yvalta sucks and i believe them but like idk how much it’s yvalta’s *fault*

flameofcertainty

i think the big thing is if for some reason a blue hates you a permissions granting blue can screw you over way more than a credit country blue

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that’s a big deal

idk a credit country blue can probably get you sterilized if they try really hard but it would take them more trying

flameofcertainty

yeah maybe

flameofcertainty

i've never heard of that happening in a credit country but that doesn't mean it never does

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

shadowed-moonrise

anitam is trying out a first child subsidy

which is neat i thin

think

flameofcertainty

cool

are they subsidizing the whole credit?

or just some of it

shadowed-moonrise

noooo theyre starting with like 4%

shadowed-moonrise

and increasing gradually

bc you know how changing laws goes

sooooo sloooowwwww

flameofcertainty

i guess 4% is better than nothing

shadowed-moonrise

but eventually it will be a substantial fraction of the credit i think

flameofcertainty

but probably good not to do it all at once

i know there's some countries where everyone gets one and the rest are auctioned

shadowed-moonrise

first kid free just seems so much more humane? like i understand why credits are useful and stuff but people *just not getting a kid at all ever* is awful

flameofcertainty

summary bank says alavet, av valdin, celenta, fnr, ochero, qoloc

maybe some random tiny countries that no one bothered to include

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

on the list, i mean

and yeah, i see what you mean

i wouldn't want to live in a voan country because i like knowing that if i work really hard i could get three

but it makes me sad to think about people with zero

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

flameofcertainty

i mean probably some people should get zero, like child abusers, but an auction's not going to stop them

shadowed-moonrise

hm i bet in voan/first kid free systems there’s probably a lot of four and five year olds impulsively having kids that they’re not entirely ready for but idk like maybe that’s just something they get to do

flameofcertainty

okay i'm looking at the summary bank article about the voan system

and the age when the most people have their first kid is five

flameofcertainty

but that's not most of the people

if that makes sense

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

i know when i was almost-four they made a big deal in school about how we should all get long-term all-spring birth control

i bet they do that in voa

i guess i don't know for sure

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i saw someone on tumblr talking about how they usually get the long term birth control and they get went on vacation to the southern hemisphere and just didn’t remember that they didn’t have the birth control and got pregnant

(they were asking if you can still get aftermarket credits in the *fall*)

flameofcertainty

wow

that must suck

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i hope they managed to get an aftermarket credit

flameofcertainty

yeah

i bet they're cheaper in fall

since most people aren't getting pregnant

i definitely wouldn't want to have a kid with anyone i dated when i was four but maybe some people get really lucky there

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that’s a lot of what i’m thinking about like.... most people don’t know people who are definitely good coparents for them when they’re four

shadowed-moonrise

because it just takes time to figure that out

flameofcertainty

i'd've also been a really bad parent when i was four but some of that is me-things

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that toooo

i’m four and i’m super not ready to be a parent!!

shadowed-moonrise

i feel like i know how to be a good parent in THEORY but in practice i don’t like have the energy or emotional stability

avidi was born the spring i turned four, which was really good <3

flameofcertainty

that's so good

when i was four i was living with a friend rather than my parents

but if someone had dropped a baby on me i'd have been so unprepared

and my friend was living with their parents

flameofcertainty

so there were actual responsible people in the apartment

shadowed-moonrise

nodnodnod

shadowed-moonrise

fall/winter when i was three i was spending a lot of time with friends in other cities and stuff to get awaaay but then they there suddenly like “you know what, we’re having another baby this spring” so i came back

there are some upsides to the fact that my green mom has grey babies.......

flameofcertainty

i have a little sister

i've never actually met her

maybe someday i'll be able to make myself

shadowed-moonrise

oh wow i’m so sorry

flameofcertainty

it's not your fault

shadowed-moonrise

if you want to talk about it, or be distracted from it, or whatever-

flameofcertainty

if you want the story today's a good day for me to tell it

otoh it's definitely pollution-adjacent and i don't know if it's a good day for you

shadowed-moonrise

i think i can handle it, it is a good hypersensitivity day for me

flameofcertainty

so during the voan food crisis we couldn't afford clean food past the first couple months

you'd think living on a farm would help but it had been a bad year the previous year and none of our crops were coming up that season

shadowed-moonrise

oh. oh.

flameofcertainty

and i tried to force myself to eat the polluted food but i couldn't even make myself touch it

that's not the thing yet

so i was at risk of starving to death

and my mom got one of the neighbors to give her a super sketchy probably-illegal loan

flameofcertainty

because otherwise i might literally die

shadowed-moonrise

fuck

flameofcertainty

fast forward to 3423, the neighbor comes and asks for the money back

actually he'd been doing that for a while but she'd been able to put him off

we were super not going to be able to pay it back

and the loan was sketchy enough that she wasn't really sure what would happen if she didn't

just that it would probably be worse than normal

i told her i thought it would be okay

when she asked

flameofcertainty

if she

flameofcertainty

people remember fall 3422 as the introduction of the orvaran system

that was just lathande

spring 3423 was when they rolled it out everywhere

even small farming towns need someone to collect garbage, and the jobs paid really well

they had to, if they wanted to find enough people

i thought i'd be okay

shadowed-moonrise

fuck.

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

i was really really wrong

so wrong

shadowed-moonrise

......yeah wow

flameofcertainty

that's why i wound up moving in with a friend, if i'd stayed there a week longer i'd

it wouldn't have been good

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

flameofcertainty

they didn't try to stop me

which is good

would've been silly for them to go to all that work just for me to end up dead anyways

shadowed-moonrise

hey you survived

flameofcertainty

i did

shadowed-moonrise

it was super worth it for them to do it becuase you survived

flameofcertainty

yeah

i know intellectually she's clean

but trying to be in the same room as dad or my older brother is about the same as lighting myself on fire, brain-wise

and if it's her it's worth

*worse

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

can you talk to them online or does that not work either

flameofcertainty

not really

flameofcertainty

they have my email address

they tell me things like 'you have a sister now'

she tried leaving the job once she had enough money to pay the guy back

flameofcertainty

to see if it would help, you know

flameofcertainty

it. uh. didn't.

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

i was born in 23, which. is good. because if i found out i/my parents had eaten polluted food when i was a baby

shadowed-moonrise

colorjustice says that almost all unverifiable food was actually not polluted but

shadowed-moonrise

well maybe if i payed them enough i could go through the like fucking six month cleaning process? and maybe after that it would be okay?

but im not sure it would be enough

flameofcertainty

yeah

i know what you mean

if i'd been a year younger and they'd told me it was clean i'd've believed them

if i'd been a year older i'd probably just have killed myself

flameofcertainty

one of my friends from the treatment program

didn't make it

shadowed-moonrise

i had a friend in school

who was hyper, worse than me

way worse

shadowed-moonrise

he was *going to school* but just barely, he had to take a bunch of meds with a bunch of side effects to get out of the house at all

shadowed-moonrise

and he was a year older than me

flameofcertainty

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

so their class learned about the food crisis? and he left school that day like normal and he took the train home and he got in the shower with his clothes on and took all his meds at once

flameofcertainty

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

they told me he killed himself but nobody would *tell me why* because like i was hyper too and they were worried about copycat stuff

i stayed in touch with his mom, she told me later

she FOUND him

flameofcertainty

i'm so so sorry

shadowed-moonrise

that

shadowed-moonrise

i cant imagine

finding your dead child

it was pretty hard on me but she was really never the same

flameofcertainty

yeah

wow

that's

i don't really have words

:( :( :(

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

he was an only child

flameofcertainty

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

shadowed-moonrise

i think they were sort of saving for another credit but they ended up spending a lot of money on like, building a room for him where he would feel clean, and stuff

and afterwards, it's not like she was going to have another kid after what happened

flameofcertainty

right

shadowed-moonrise

they wanted to take me out of class for the segment on the food crisis for, you know, obvious reasons, but that was winter when i was three and i’d already found out from like being online and reading stuff so i guessed what it was? and they freaked the fuck out when i was like “are you just worried about me finding out about the voan food crisis”

flameofcertainty

were they hoping to just ... pretend it never happened? forever?

it's not like it's easy not to learn about, if you use the internet

shadowed-moonrise

i guess i was going to Find Out When I Was Older

or something

shadowed-moonrise

i mean i understand the thinking there, like the last time was horrible and i could really just have found out later

shadowed-moonrise

the last time being my friend

flameofcertainty

yeah

i see where they were coming from

flameofcertainty

my school kept me out of class for anything pollution-related but obviously they weren't going to stop me from finding out about the food crisis

shadowed-moonrise

......yeah

i am so sorry you had to live through that

flameofcertainty

thanks

flameofcertainty

my parents thought about having me do online school while it was happening

shadowed-moonrise

it was like really really irresponsible to just tell my friend and i’m like not sure what happened there

flameofcertainty

i don't know

flameofcertainty

mesosensitives can be really bad at guessing what's going to hurt us

shadowed-moonrise

part of it is just that grey schools aren’t that well equipped for..... dealing with....... disability, i guess?

flameofcertainty

i had a classmate who thought it would help me not starve if she vividly described what it was like to eat polluted food

shadowed-moonrise

..........what

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i mean, i guess it’s good that they tried to help

but. WHAT

flameofcertainty

our teacher moved the seating chart so i wouldn't have to sit next to her

and gave me permission to not go to the cafeteria during lunch

but yeah, i am really not sure how she came to that conclusion

shadowed-moonrise

yeah wow

flameofcertainty

i guess if she thought i was going to starve to death unless she did something

shadowed-moonrise

sometimes i wish i could just live in a hyper colony

shadowed-moonrise

even though like i’m sort of a weird hyper? they might have called it sensitivity disorder nos if i didn’t take so many decontam showers for no reason

but it would still be BETTER

flameofcertainty

there would be a lot of nice things about that

on the other hand sometimes i hear about a hyper person thinking something is polluted and my brain decides 'oh, they must be right'

even though it was fine before

and i bet that would happen a lot more

shadowed-moonrise

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

if we all thought that the UNION of the things we thought were polluted were polluted.......

we would die very quickly, i guess

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

“oh this one guy (MADE UP) said water is polluted so uh goodbye cruel world i guess”

flameofcertainty

and even without that we'd need robots or something

to take care of garbage

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i think robots are more of a political problem than a technological one, maybe we could get away with “look we’re a hyper colony we can’t even TALK TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD most days much less murder anybody”

flameofcertainty

i think it's like

flameofcertainty

if people spent a decade developing them then they'd have them

but they aren't mostly, because of the politics

shadowed-moonrise

right that makes sense

flameofcertainty

i'm fine with mesosensitives most days, but then *sometimes* it's like they decided to figure out how to be maximally terrible

shadowed-moonrise

honestly so many jobs should be automated not bc pollution but just bc they could be and those people could then do a more skilled job or live in the country and make art or whatever but we can’t build robots at all bc of the political thing

like assembly lines could go a lot more automated than they are and then we’d just be richer and fewer as a society

shadowed-moonrise

i feel very Solidarity with hypos but sometimes..... they too........ are the worst

maybe we could get nice hypos for our colony to take care of us

flameofcertainty

maybe

flameofcertainty

there are totally nice hypos but there are also hypos who do things like put untagged photos of pollution on the internet

shadowed-moonrise

yeah it really varies a lot

shadowed-moonrise

sometimes talking to hypos is calming bc mesos are like “but MY pollution instinct says this isn’t polluted” and that doesn’t help me at all but i have an amateur theologian hypo friend who can just talk me through the theological position and that helps a lot more

flameofcertainty

it's good that you have that

flameofcertainty

and we're not perfect either

there are hypersensitives who think orvaran system workers need to all be executed

or that if you don't do [insert absurdly specific thing here] you're not really hyper

flameofcertainty

like i can't handle being around mom but i don't want people to murder her

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i definitely like

think that there’s an objective position on pollution

shadowed-moonrise

and it’s probably not exactly the theological one but it’s closer to that than to my paranoia

shadowed-moonrise

and honestly like... i *get* it but it just takes an insane amount of arrogance to be like, “of all the billions and billions of people with pollution instincts, mine is the objective truth and everybody else, including an entire scientific field, is wrong”

flameofcertainty

oh i also saw this one person saying everyone alive during the food crisis needed to be executed

that one was "fun"

shadowed-moonrise

oh my fucking

fuck that person so much

also how are they planning to run society after they’ve killed everyone over four???????

flameofcertainty

i don't know???

shadowed-moonrise

also i feel a lot of people with proposals involving doing lots of murder........... fail to account for the fact that corpses are polluted

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

anyways

how's life been

shadowed-moonrise

a WONDERFUL PRETTY NICE blue hired me and i might maybe have a crush

flameofcertainty

eeeee congratulations!

shadowed-moonrise

i don’t know how to approach this tho

“hey baby...... i would have sex with you for free (on a good day)”

flameofcertainty

if they've hired you a couple times you could ask? or something?

flameofcertainty

i am kind of bad at relationship advice

shadowed-moonrise

yes i think that i will actually do is like

wait a while and see if he contacts me

and then maybe ask him out or something

flameofcertainty

good luck!!

shadowed-moonrise

how’ve you been

shadowed-moonrise

also, i saw you post an out of stock green and purple scarf and i could try to make you something like it

i can’t do literally that but i’m thinking like getting some white silk and waxing designs on it and then dyeing it one color and then drawing on the designs in the other

this might be totally the wrong way to go about it but it sounds fun

flameofcertainty

gosh, that's really nice of you

flameofcertainty

if you ended up doing this i'd have a couple of sensitivity-related materials requests but i don't think any of them would actually make the project impossible

shadowed-moonrise

i think that kind of project would be fun rn, what are your materials requests?

flameofcertainty

the main one is not from [link to list of countries that have done cleaning and integrated ex-reds]

or eles decontaminatable

*else

but i think that might mess up the dyes?

shadowed-moonrise

ok i can do that

yeah i think it’s probably easier to just buy from not those countries than to try to... decontaminate..... dyes

shadowed-moonrise

like most commercial clothes are decontaminatable and........ have colors but they know what they’re doing and i do not

flameofcertainty

yeah

now i want to do something nice for you, help

shadowed-moonrise

umm i really like [space shoenberg], you could record yourself playing one of his pieces? although idk how much you can do that on just violin

flameofcertainty

i'll try my best

maybe i can find an arrangement or something

shadowed-moonrise

that’s so nice of you

you don’t have to, i’ll like, enjoy the project anyway

i’m not sure how to make green and purple work well as a color combo, do you mind if there’s other colors?

8 notes · View notes

cow3survivor · 3 years

Text

Ep. 9: “Break Down Everything I’ve Built” - Jennet

JENNET

not to be rude but i hate this cast.... me winning immunity didnt even matter bc my bestie got booted tf...

(a little later)

feeling alone, im not even on a tribe anymore. im alone now not furcifer calumma or brookesia, just jennet

(after eating rice)

i know i sound dramatic asf but ffft i was so uneasy starting this game and i didnt feel comfortable or didnt feel excited to play until i started playing with ethan so i guess i relied too much on him but its like... now what?? where do i go from here? like sam, sammy, jones, and mikey voted to keep him so its like... here i am with low numbers again

(after taking a dip in the ocean)

immunity doesnt feel so good when ur number one ally gets sent home...

(after polishing the immunity necklace)

realizing that tonight ive been on the wrong side of both of votes so now im... reevaluating my position in this game. i have to break down everything ive built and start over and see who i can really trust right now

JONES

https://youtu.be/GY0DufoCyLE (after live night)

LOVELIS

So today's been way more eventful! I've had a great conversation with Jennet finally & got caught up on all the live night stuff, thought it was just a live competition that I wasn't able to attend but then I woke up to Ethan being gone LMAO but oh well! I've been targeted the past two rounds but I'm still here so I've just gotta work my options as best I can, and right now I do wanna with with Jessica the most. Apparently Shane put in a lot of work to keep me during live night & I'm thankful but earlier when I tried to talk to him he wouldn't divert from that point & it was a little awkward.. like idk what you want me to do about that... so today's mostly been catching up with the people who I haven't heard much from like Jake, Lindsay etc and seeing where their heads are at, I need to be more involved in something big if I'm gonna be seen as a potential winner should I make it to the end so I'm definitely not shy of jumping ship from Sharon and tryna make something better for myself with the people that voted for me hehe.. 😳😈

JENNET

looking at the memory wall and im feeling very: vulnerable

LINDSAY

12/19 - https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Q_KxHilwOebD8G3D8JAZsOMKdgsxFp-b/view?usp=sharing

JESSICA

I know in my last confessional I said I was close with Ethan. After I wrote that, I realized that he was a lot closer with other people than he was with me. Lindsay accidentally added him to an alliance chat and I expected him to freak out in my DMs (or at the very least ask me about it!) since we're supposed to be such good allies. But he didn't say anything! Shane said that he did get an Ethan freakout so I was like hmm... noted. Ethan likes Shane more than me so I am okay to vote him out a lot earlier than I was planning. Ethan also left out a LOT of information about the idols when we talked about them so I instantly knew at merge that he was hiding things from me. When we did that round robin conversation thing, I got Shane early on (I think he was the third person I talked to?) and he pitched voting Ethan which made a lot of sense to me. Plus I was a little worried Ethan could have had the Furcifer idol since he found that Brookesia one so fast. I figured if we were going to make a big move, that was the time to do it because if anyone was suspicious I could just pretend the whirlwind nature of the round was the reason they didn't know what happened. Speaking of idols!!! I'm 95% sure that Furcifer idol is in Sam's pocket. Shane had a vote extort power which he could play on anyone; it would force them to either reveal their entire voting history to this mysterious person OR they would have to give up their vote and sit out of immunity. I guess the vote part isn't public but the immunity part was and for some reason, Sam chose to not reveal his voting history. To Shane and Daisy, who don't know how the idols worked, this is a weird choice. But to me there's only one reason someone doesn't want their voting history revealed and it's because they didn't vote at a tribal which means they have an idol. Shane originally wanted to play the power on Mikey which I strongly did not want because 1) I already know how Mikey has voted and 2) I was pretty sure Mikey didn't have an idol so it's unlikely there was a tribal he didn't vote in and 3) If Mikey asked me about it, I didn't want to lie but I also didn't want to expose Shane. The question is.... does Sam's idol still work? If I had found the idol when I knew there was an easy boot on my team (he has to have found it before Pennino left), then I would have gambled as long as I could have to get the idol to work. My guess is Sam's idol goes until... f7? Maybe f6 or f5. Pennino probably left 3-1, not 4-1, but Sam's missing vote didn't matter because it was unanimous and wasn't read. For this round, right now everyone is probably voting Lovelis. It's the easy vote because he isn't here but personally I don't want to do that. Everyone says Lovelis is inactive but he isn't inactive to me and as far as I know, he is not going to flip on me and thinks I've been looking out for him. Which I have been! Also Lovelis cannot have an idol unless he somehow got the merge one. So to me it's like.... why not take out someone like Sam who (probably) has an idol? Or at least get him paranoid enough so he plays it. He seems like the kind of player who could easily stab me in the back so I'd like to get him before he gets me. Right now my tightest alliance is with Shane/Daisy, though I definitely talk about the game with Shane the most. However I also have good relationships with Lovelis, Sammy, and Mikey. I think Jennet and I are getting along well because as far as I know, I was the first one who told them Ethan's name was going around last time when everyone else seemed too afraid to tell them. They were not into that plan at all but I'm glad that I was honest with them because I don't want that to be a closed relationship at all! They also don’t seem to have a tonne of connections so they’re someone I'd like to keep close. And then Jones/Lindsay/Jake are people who I'm still getting to know but I do trust them.... a bit. I don't see that alliance of 6 lasting long term however I don't mind trying to stick with it to get Sam out before it disintegrates. I also think Shane is coming across as a threat which is great to me. I hope people don't think we're close because I really want to keep that relationship hidden. My entire game is about having everyone think they're my #1 (or at least my #2 or #3) so that they are less likely to leak things I tell them, less likely to vote for me, and more likely to look out for me. Information is power so I try to be in a position where I'll get as much of it as I can. So far it is working! I think. This is truly an essay

(a little later)

Oh also I never get episode titles in games so here are some: "Any way you slice it, it's Survivor madness!" "What a night, what a vote" "Please don't invite me to your messy party" "Social game is on 0!" "Survivor brings out the worst in you" "I'm a chameleon" Some of those are things other people said in other games but... oh well!

JENNET

apparently lovelis is rallying the troops to get them to vote for me bc i voted him out over madison... babe we NEVER spoke, and i spoke to madison ALOT why would i not vote u ? tf... its getting weird

JESSICA

LMAO IGNORE THAT LAST CONFESSIONAL That is not how the advantage works at ALL I now totally understand why Sam rejected it That’s so funny that we really read it that wrong.............. I love reading and comprehending the words that I read Still don’t know where that last idol is but this is so funny.

JENNET

so right now the only people i can trust are sammy, sam, jones, and mikey. i want to trust jake but hes in an alliance with jones, lindsay, daisy, shane, and jessica that he didnt tell me about. jones is playing double agent right now and the only reason i dont find that sketch is bc she told us info that she didnt need to. i will say me and jake had a convo about how we dont trust how shady lindsay has been and we wont target her until most of the og brookesia members are gone. im very scared right now but also very angry

(a little later)

had plans for this vote but sam got his vote taken away. im waiting to see what pops off at tribal/ the few hours before tribal before i can try to get the little band of misfits to settle on who to target first. so far its daisy and shane, i’ll try to sneak lindsay in but honestly i want daisy gone first bc shes hosted me and seen how i play and thats too much of an advantage. she’s dangerous to me and my game

JAKE

https://youtu.be/nZPMXTthz9Q yes I'm becoming paranoid and what?? say it to her face

JENNET

my dream boot order after this round (if lovelis is who goes): daisy shane jessica lindsay and then everything else can fold around itself but ideally jake is next to go

LINDSAY

videos r still uploading but here's my quick tea for this episode: feels way too easy to vote lovelis, keep expecting things to blwo up bc lovelis is throwing jennet's name out there. game way too quiet. shit aint right but i aint know whats wrong. i may be paranoid

JENNET

:ETHAN: ❤️ :JENNET: hours

SAMMY

so I feel like so much happened in this round? let's recap the live night and dive into our thoughts and feelings about where we are right now. So starting off after Madison is voted out, the plan throughout the day was to just vote out whoever stayed out of Madison/Lovelis, right? Okay so I go into this live event thinking that's the plan...not sweating...just chilling right? right okay so I get to talking to people and then I get in a chat with daisy who is my 3rd phone call? Then I hear of this plan to get rid of Ethan?? In my head I was like...blinks...okay so why are we doing this like what is the point y'all are being too complicated. So fast forward Ethan goes home. Then Jones lets me know there was a separate group made before tribal of Jake/Shane/Jones/Jess/Lindsay. Apparently all the people who voted Ethan? This actually pisses me off not gonna lie because I opened the door for a conversation hinting that I knew of a group to daisy/jess/Jake and none of them spilled to me. So I caught them in a lie and it lets me know that they are serious about that group of people and that alliance means something. I thought I was close to daisy and I thought she considered me her #1 ally but the info I have been getting really makes me trust her less. She was working on the idol/bridge with like so many other players which makes sense to how she was able to find so many powers. I feel used. She is close to Shane and it is obvious. I also 100% feel as if the Ethan plan was made before tribal or at least mentioned as an idea. I don't like the vibes I am getting from them and something has to change soon or I am gonna be finding myself in a rough patch. I told Jones about Daisy's powers to let Jones know that Daisy pretty much lied to Daisy about the street car ladies (sorry daisy I still love u but in the moment I felt used because I know ur bridge group is on like the late 30s and you didn't tell me). Daisy is playing the middle and I need to separate myself from her or at least break her and Shane up. She is using Shane as a shield. Also I was added to the justice league alliance and its so cute (Jones, Jennet, Mikey, Me, Sam) I love this group but I will say Sam is my weakest connection and I don't really have much trust in him? Hoping that will change in these upcoming rounds tho. Also, I told Jones about my vote block that lasts until final 5 which we could use to our advantage later in the game. I will be holding onto that as long as possible. The last major update other than me feeling somewhat left out of this "group" would be that Jess asked if I would be down to make a group after the vote of her/Jake/me/mikey which I would actually very much enjoy. Okay that is my longest confessional yet. I hope you enjoy. As of right now my top two allies are Jones/Mikey....Lowest on my trust rankings are Shane and Lindsay.

JENNET

lovelis dming me saying we should get out mikey pfftttt

DAISY

https://youtu.be/mz2Fg_Kvyqo

SAM

https://youtu.be/J81hUWIy6dg

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-dymdy5vjtHdwsY3JSTnovwaSRLvuzQt

JESSICA

me: lovelis will be a jury vote for me! me: nvm!!!! Not sure why being rude to people and attacking them is your strategy on the way out... but you do you!

LOVELIS

I think I mentioned chaos in my previous confessional and I think I just did that so you know what.. I'm content LMAO. I pulled out pretty much all the cards I had left to play this round and if it wasn't enough despite being carried the past two tribals.. then so be it. This has been such a fun past couple days and it's fun to just let loose and see what happens!

#cowsurvivor #confessionals

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