#i'd finally written this up a MOMENT AGO but forgot to post it like the absolute DOOFUS that i am ♥

[mythvoiced]

@tenderpulsive | the GBEP

---

Eunjae is careful in their observations.

In a field such as theirs, allowing their mind any sort of leniancy, allowing themself even just a tad of ease on the job would mean a life lost, blood on the tracks. They can't afford to be carelessness, similarly to how they can't afford to have their attentive stare be too intrusive - the souls they speak too are not the kind you can be that unapologetic too, after all.

But there is no good enough excuse that would warrant their taking this necessary habit into an unnecessary context.

There is no need to chew on the same chip for moments on end - a tasteless mass between their teeth at this point - just because too preoccupied with staring Calum down as he answers.

Calum is not naive. Anxious people are not naive. The naive trust too easily and to be trusting is not something that combines well with anxiety - as far as their humble take on it goes.

But there is some...thing... something about the way he answers that has them wonder how readily he could answer like that if forced to deliver the same response in the face of the worst case scenario they'd painted. Making universal truth-statements like that, because yes he is right, is always easier when the heart hasn't been gutted first.

Or maybe they've grown too jaded, maybe a part of them needs to see something in an adult that would justify their avoidance, their cynicism.

Eunjae watches Calum punish his lips with his teeth for the pause in his words and their hands drop. As if stilling an automated response to a scenario, as if they're hardly more than an AI running an algorithm no one had asked of them, not one meant to appease and put at ease, but one... designed to do what, exactly?

"What good are memories for if that's all you have?"

Or if you don't have them.

Their eyes narrow and they lean forward. Has Calum lost? Could Calum handle loss the way he handles Eunjae? Would Calum be devastated and angry or devastated and sad?

They tilt their head.

"Memories aren't always a good thing, you know. Are you going to rely on them? Will you live to create memories? If I asked you, choose, you can either call your wife now - and you can't do it ever again if you miss this chance - or you can relive your wedding as if you were truly there, what would you choose."

[marmutgembil]

Moving out, and lots of hugs (of goodbye ones and hello ones)

(this was originally written on August 30, but I forgot to post it)

Life currently, more or less, according to plan and one by one, my wishes slowly manifest into life.

I felt it in my guts that I will be (finally) in Bali around August or the most late is September, even though I still write in my daily manifestation about how I will found a new job at Bali in July, but my intuation said it's not that soon, but still not gonna be so later.

And I was right! I got a new job offer on some middle-up tier agency, where I would learn A LOT of new things, which is very exciting and I am giddy just thinking about it. (With better pay too!).

But I am not gonna writing about the new job—yet—but rather, on how I thought that this is gonna be another moving out to new city, since I do move out every year, since I was 19.

It is not the same.

Everything changing.

My home base, Bekasi, won't be my homebase soon. No longer would be the city I would reply everytime someone ask where I come from.

The realization that last weekend, is the last final time I lived in my own home in Bekasi, before my parents move to their retirement house.

I reminded myself that no matter how living in Bali near my partner is the ideal, I should live in the moment and savoring every seconds my own live too, like appreciating Bekasi home while it last.

I love our small garden and the old tree that has been there 10 years ago we moved there, undisturbed, despite it doesn't even grow fruits properly for years.

Or the ghosts of other plants that tried so hard to thrive, but alas, none of us has the warm hands to make them grow.

The memories of my guinea pigs that running around, both in the front or back garden, all of them happily munched on the fresh grass that no on bothered to keep it short, ended up being being feasted on by generations of guinea pig pets we had.

There's no part of the that house I dislike, except maybe the basement. But, even with all the ghost and some paranormal activity that sometime occured, the whole space fit perfectly for our needs. It has the right amount of bathrooms and bedrooms, the air flow and how it always feels cooler than the outside, even without turning on the fan.

And then—My sister asked, is this gonna be the last time my title at home is a mere daughter and sister? Soon, whenever I come home, it would be with my husband. How do you react with such question?

Change is the only constant, the only constant is change.

I said a big amount of goodbyes, hugs a lot and took so many pics, and it only means the people I love and that loves me grow bigger, something I was surprised I have, but definitely not complaining at all!

The promises of visitings, the thoughts of invites and coming to the future weddings, the promises to meet up again in the future whenever it's available, I would say those are the things that keep me wanting to continune this life.

And of course, mandatory coffee with my bestfriend of 13 years now.

We had some falling out, periods of us not speaking, small arguments and disagreement, us not agreeing each other's boyfriends, silent judging but still being supportives.

Honestly, I am worried about her, because she never left our town, and still trying to finish her degree. But at the same time, I also feels assured, because no matter I moved out to different cities and job hopping, she is always there, unmoving and unchanging, like your favourite mole.

I gonna miss her a lot.

But then, I've been only here for like, 4 days, but every morning now I feel so at ease. The weights that was always looming over me everyday, is now gone. I breathe easier, no more suffocated, fall asleep far more easier.

He is now no longer ouf of my reach, I can touch, hug, kiss whenever I want to, and I'd be lying if I am not over the clouds right now. Really. The weights I carry is vanished. Is this how everyone that's not in LDR relationship feels? Damn.

But at the same time, I am afraid that this is a temporary happiness, where I am way too happy, something dark will take turns.

The lack of never ending same ruko buildings also helps me a lot. On God, the live of Squidward in Squidward village really not for me, a nature girlie. The lack of green space that hasn't been commercialized, someone should be in jail for that.

I can't wait to see how much growth I would have later!

I watched a Tiktok, where someone said: You can choose any city, but ultimately, it is the city itself chooses you. You can moving in, but if the city doesn't choose you, sooner or later you'll be moving back anyways.

And that is not wrong at all! I am so grateful of my decision to be brave, moving out to different city each year, because all those experience really shaped me as a person, and have interesting back story to tell.

Can't wait to fullfill this era of more adventures too!

[mimzy-writing-online]

My Most Recent Chaotic Academia Nonsense

It's finals week, and instead of studying, I'm writing a tumblr post about the nonsense of my college education. Here we go:

I had a 7-8 page paper due that was worth 40% of my grade, and five days before it was due I scrapped what I had and started brand new with a completely different poem. (grade pending)

One of my classes has 5 essays for the semester but the lowest one gets dropped. The TA said I didn't have to take the last essay seriously if I was satisfied with my previous grades. So I submitted a "Spotify Wrapped, but make it Literature" of all the things I've read, written, and done related to school. Plus pictures of my cats.

The professor did not like this and asked that anyone who committed such nonsense submit a real essay.

Two days later at the lovely hour of 12 AM, the ghost of Emily Dickenson possessed my spirit and I punched out an essay doing a close reading of "613" and it was two pages, four paragraphs of feral feminist anger and it was so cathartic. I got an A.

(I titled the essay with a song lyric)

I wildly disagree with a different professor about what Dickenson is doing with her dashes. He argues that they induce moments of pause. I firmly insist they speed up the rate of the poem, demanding drama and emotion.

Essay 4 was supposed to be my throw-away essay actually. I was facing severe burnout and could not make myself focus enough to even pick a topic. So I told myself it just had to be something and it could suck, so long as there was something to submit. I had four hours left. Highest graded essay of the semester. wtf

I participated in a scavenger hunt at my school's library. Participated is a generous term. I followed my group while they did the clue-solving thing and I admired the library's architecture and felt tiny while wandering through the stacks and it was wonderful but also exhausting.

I wrote a 20 line speech for Ophelia that basically implies she was in on Hamlet's plot, deceiving Claudius and her father into believing Hamlet had gone mad with love so they would be distracted while Hamlet pondered his uncle's guilt and what to do. The speech was set after Hamlet murdered her father and was exploring her grief and guilt. I had soooo so much fun writing it and then I got to do a close reading of my speech and explain what little wording decisions meant.

I regularly send my best friend the most batshit quotes of what I'm reading and videos of me ranting about dead men.

After the semester he came to visit and we went to a local used bookstore. I got a book of Emily Dickenson poems and a book on T.S. Eliot, as if I hadn't gotten enough of them the two weeks prior.

Several months ago I went to the same bookstore and checked their poetry section for Calamus by Walt Whitman--but I forgot how to spell Whitman *insert upside-down smiley face* and kept searching for "Wittman" and getting frustrated. I didn't realize my mistake until I was walking home.

I went to an art museum with another blind friend and I described the art to him. I had some fun explanations of different works, especially the Picasso and Pollock paintings.

I forgot to check the weather while leaving to get to my final and did not bring an umbrella, so I walked 1.5 miles home in the rain at 10pm.

For that final, I had to identify and analyze texts I'd read this semester, and despite how much I deeply hate Alexander Pope, I spent a long time analyzing a sample of his writing.

I found out today that I have to read Pamela and Shamela for the third time next semester. Kill me.

You'd be surprised how many times you have to reread a work as an English major, or like read a different sample of the same work or author. And most of the time I find a new potential take or argument, some new idea or whatever. But it'd be really nice if I didn't have reread some of my least-faves.

But I finally got to read Alice in Wonderland! For all the references my character Anna makes to it, it's a surprise I hadn't read it sooner (reading it as a kid doesn't count anymore because I don't remember it).

None of my essays required an MLA works cited page??? What the fuck? Like, what?? How do you know I'm not making some of this shit up? Like, I write articles on the internet for funsies, I know how easy it is to just make something up and convince people to believe you. I don't do that, but I know I'm capable of it. Like, hiiiii big fancy university, what do you mean you don't care if I cite my sources??

I brewed sooo much tea at home. The Starbucks in my area don't make my favorite drink as well as the ones back home, and everywhere else does sweet tea and bubble tea and that's great but it's not for me.

I spent all that spare cash on cat toys, no joke.

And yes, my rough guestimate of how much tea I brewed was included in my "Spotify Wrapped, but make it Literature" thing.

[mybrainproblems]

What is spreadsheetsnatural?

Spreadsheetsnatural is a project I started thinking about a few months ago and finally started working on recently. Its purpose is to create a timeline of what happened during the final season of Carver era (when Dabb would have been tapped for co-showrunner), all of the Dabb-Singer era of spn, the development timeline of W*lker and using all of that as a basis to speculate on how those factors potentially impacted the trajectory of s15/the finale/destiel. I'm trying to remain impartial as I gather info but I do have my own theories based on knowledge of the entertainment industry which I've posted about before.

The sheer quantity of information I'm looking at necessitated the creation of multiple spreadsheets (which is why I've called this spreadsheetsnatural) in order to keep track of the below information from 2015 through 2020.

Content of showrunner-written/significant (e.g. 15x09) episodes

Information we have available from the scripts and other supplemental materials that have been acquired

Official announcements

Info provided at cons/in press interviews and

"key" episode air dates

[Image: a screenshot of an Excel spreadsheet of information about the supernatural series that includes episode air dates, network announcements, press materials and info from cons. All info is organized chronologically and color-coded by season. Citation links are included where applicable.]

That's only a partial screenshot of it and at a guess, this spreadsheet is maybe 10% complete. This partial screenshot is barely even a first pass based on the info I already have and I'm just starting the process of pulling more info from press materials and cons. I have no idea when I will finish this because of just how much info I'm looking for. If anybody has information that sounds like it might fit in with this please let me know! If you can provide a source that would be amazing (just who you think said it and a year/con is a great help!)

If you're interested in some other info I've already posted, everything is tagged on my blog as spreadsheetsnatural. If some of the posts seem a little unhinged, those are probably from the day I forgot to eat while doing research.

some additional explanation about what kicked off this project, what my spreadsheets are and what info I'm looking at below the cut

I'd post more spreadsheet screenshots but the rest are in pretty rough shape and need a clean-up/redo since I've added more factors I want to look at. The current spreadsheets that I have are:

"dabbnatural" - where it all started! all episodes written/co-written by Andrew Dabb; I'm now going to be adding additional sheets to the workbook to include his story editor credits and also his earlier producer credits (showrunners get producer credits by default)

"script hunt reference" - what it says on the box. a spreadsheet with all documents available from spn script hunt organized by season, episode, document type, revision date, original air date and writer (chronological by latest revision date)

"episode guide" - oof. this one I haven't started yet but at a minimum, this spreadsheet needs to contain every episode, writer, story editor, producer, director, air date seasons 10-15. I'd like to fill in back to s4 eventually.

"spreadsheetsnatural master" - compiling all relevant info into one timeline document

And after all that, you might ask why I started this insane project! Well, like many hellers I'm curious as fuck about what happened with s15, the finale, the confession, the lamp... I also have a relative who used to work in the entertainment industry (including network TV) on the marketing & market research side so I got a weirdly close look at how the proverbial sausage is made. The moment I heard there was market research, I was set down the footpath to this rabbit hole.

Short version of this in the tags but if you've made it this far: An actual investigative report on what happened would likely take years and a professional journalist or two with far better access than I, a person outside of the entertainment industry, will ever have. People are going to be under NDAs or unwilling to risk their professional reputations & careers over this and especially not just to talk to a curious fan. This is something that either a person in the industry needs to release with receipts or a journalist needs to hunt down. I am neither of those.

The people who are most responsible for this mishegoss are far higher up the food chain than any of us will ever have access to and I'd like to start assigning blame to them vs. actors.

[tsukidrama]

hiii!!

ooh avoiding the spoilers is a huge mood. and aot is easily one of the worst fandom for this, i got spoiled like half of the story when i started watching it, it was so irritating.

i watched some episodes of what we do in the shadows (4 or 5 i think) and you're right it’s so great so far!! the new characters are as good as the previous ones, and the episode with the werewolves was really funny lmao, also laszlo’s topiaries omg. guillermo has to be my favourite so far. do you have a favourite in the show? and thank you for the heads up!!

hey friend!

thank you for your understanding and the nice message the other day! i'm still in a funk unfortunately but an effort is being made.

GIRL I BET... that's one of the reasons i'm really glad to have started up with attack on titan years ago. it was horribly painful to wait through every hiatus but at least i never got spoiled. it's so complicated, there are so many layers to the spoilers for that series.

god the werewolves are so funny. my favorite overall episodes from season 1 are episodes 6 and 9 "The Baron's Night Out," and "The Orgy." but every episode has at least a couple of lines that make me laugh out loud. picking a favorite character is hard because i love them all for different reasons! but if i had to pick a favorite:

Nandor! he's this notorious war lord but 99% of the time he walks around with 3 brain cells in his head that Guillermo has custody of. plus the two of them are so cute (for the most part lmao) and i love how Nandor had 37 wives but still can't talk to a woman to save his life. he has a lot of existential crises too and i relate!

i’m definitely watching the movie over the weekend! aah i’m glad then 🥰. english teachers are the backbones of our society but WOW she must have loved you at this moment omg and her keeping the essay must have been so gratifying!! this is all making me even more excited to watch the movie, especially if there are parallels. i’ll keep you updated!!

aah i hope you enjoy! whenever or if you ever get the chance i'd love to hear what you think about it! it's not much of a happy story but it's the kind that sticks in your head forever.

you're right about English teachers though! i've always had good ones, but the teacher i had my last 2 years of high school really stepped up for me. that lady is genuinely a saint. i used to skip other classes just to talk to her, and the summer before my final year i went on a trip to Europe with her that she sponsored.

thank you for the details!! 3 and 4 are going to be interesting but girl i can’t wait for 5, this is going to hurt and we're all here for it (and 6 too because i want annie to go better while the rest is for your writing). kittens!! i can’t believe annie is going to be a mom (or grandma?). super-spy annie is also something to look forward to, and i know i’m going to love pieck already. only good things planned!!

in case anybody besides me forgot what i had said: "3) Paradis peace ambassador trip 4) Papa having a lady friend (or does he?) 5) rock bottom mental health and a very bad night terror, then finally the long awaited 6) Annie goes to therapy!"

omg do you love pain?? you're either going to love me or hate me once shit gets real. i mean, there's going to be a fair amount of comfort written in as well. i'm trying to build up the suspense in these next couple of chapters so that it doesn't feel like a gut punch.

i think Annie is the kittens mom too! she'll definitely insist on keeping all of them. there's enough space on the farm and she couldn't bear to split up the family. the super-spy arc is going to be a little farther down the line but i'm super excited to write it!!

Pieck actually will show up in chapter 6! briefly, but still significant.

aksdjld yes!! if you ever post the playlist i’m totally here for it 👀, and i totally get it if you don’t want to post it because of the 🤢 shippers so if you don’t what’s the style of music in the playlist? have a nice day! - j

heh, honestly i probably will post it. i got another anon asking about it, so i just need to come up with a better name than anti-****** or else i'll probably get death threats. it's basically songs about women who are in unhappy boring relationships, or singing about wanting to date girls/break up with their boyfriends. OF COURSE.

AND THIS CLIP TOO sorry about the weird editing on top but it was the only clip i could find that had the whole monologue and the lines afterward lkasjfhlCSJNDV iconic and wildly enough fits so well

[bugheadjones-the-third]

Are you doing that Dialogue list thing? I'd like to request 3 for Jughead (with Betty) 😂😘

Title: Being With You.Summary: It’s a typical morning at the Blue & Gold office, and Betty notices that there’s something odd with her boyfriend. He’s been acting weird all morning, and even if he has called himself a weirdo, all that display of emotion was just not something she expected from him..A/N: This is a prompt from a dialogue list that I posted a long time ago! I’m finally working on my requests, so if you’ve sent me one and thought I had ignored, well, joke’s on you XD Just kidding, guys. I hope you enjoy this small, fluffy one, and feel free to keep sending me requests!

...There was something wrong with Jughead that morning.

His voice was softer, chuckles were constantly rolling out of his tongue and she had already lost count of how many times he had brushed his limbs against hers— being it his shoulder or his knee. He was wearing a different cologne that morning, and even if she knew he preferred darker coffee— dark as his soul, he would say—, he had been taking sips from her capuccino ever since they started their daily work at the Blue & Gold.

There was no sarcasm, no classic reference and his computer was shut.

Could it be that his beanie had finally overheated his brain?

It was not like Betty was bothered by any of those things, no. In fact, she could feel her heart warming up whenever she felt his skin against hers and she couldn’t help but be happy with the idea of sharing an indirect kiss. She loves the feeling of having him so close, with no drama to cloud their thoughts, as they simply enjoy each other’s company like a normal, teen couple should. She loves having her by her side, as they do something they’re both so passionate about.

She loves the way it all feels.

But all that display of affection was just not something he would naturally do.

Her baby blue eyes were constantly stealing glances at him, as he was sitting next to her, carefully reading her latest article about the legacy of the twilight drive-in— a little something she had decided to do for her boyfriend. He had his thumb resting over his lower lip, indicating that he was immersed in all those words, and she could see his eyes shining due to the light of the screen.

Jughead was looking as charming as always. His soft lips slightly curled up, and as soon as he turned those greenish-blue eyes of his to meet hers for a brief second, the Cooper girl almost forgot why she was so focused on him that morning.

Almost.

Betty was suddenly brought back from her thoughts when she felt his soft, warm hand resting over her skin. She watched as his fingers were slowly making their way in between hers, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. A smile made its way to her rosy lips, enjoying the fact that THE Jughead Jones the Third was actually trying to intertwine their fingers without being caught by a girl whose nickname is Nancy Drew. It was a sweet, pure gesture that she certainly appreciated, but it was too unexpected for her to simply ignore.

She is Betty Cooper, after all.

And never in all the years they’ve known each other had she see him do such thing.

“ Okay… What is all this about?” She lifted an eyebrow, looking at him curiously.

“ Uhm…” He turned his face, meeting her eyes with his. There was a calm expression ruling his face, as he softly nodded his head. “ I’d say it’s the best description of our town anyone has ever written… Also, I liked the way you’ve used the words ominous and barmecide. Maybe you’re spending too much time with me, Betty Cooper.”

“ Thank you for the words, but… I’m not talking about the article, Juggie… I’m talking about This.” Her eyes drifted to their hands for a moment before returning to his. She moved her fingers so their hands were properly resting together, and she saw as a smirk slowly made its way to his lips.

Of course she realized, he thought.

There was really no use in trying to surprise her like that.

“ Oh… that.” He grinned. “ I’m flirting with you.”

“ Flirting?”

“Yep.”

“ But why?”

“ … Why?” He lifted an eyebrow, not really sure of the meaning behind her words.

“ Yeah… There must be a reason why you’re doing all this. Jughead Jones, I’m not doing your math homework again.”

“ What?! I’ve already finished that, Betts.”

“ Uhm… Then why are you doing all this?”

“Well… Isn’t it what boyfriends and girlfriends do?”

“Yeah, I guess, but—“

“ Then just let me do my job, Betts.”

There was a soft smile decorating his lips at that moment, and she realized how a chuckle got stuck in his throat as he bit his lower lip. He motioned his fingers so he could squeeze her hand tighter, showing her the affection she had already felt through his words. Jughead was actually trying to change his gloomy acts for her, and in her eyes, she couldn’t see that as anything other than extremely cute.

He was swallowing all the things he has ever said about cheesy couples, and knowing him like she does, Betty knew that such thing must have been quite hard for Riverdale’s number one silent rebel. Their relationship was slowly changing the very core of who they’ve always believed to be, and even if he probably joked about her writing, she knew for sure that he was also changing things about her. Things much more important than her lexical choice.

Jughead was turning her into a better girl. A better, stronger and happier version of herself, and all he had to do was smile at her the way he was smiling at that moment.

That smile was certainly her biggest weakness.

And oh, how she loved to have it around her.

She bit her lower lip in pure excitement and she couldn’t surpass the smile that took over her lips. With her free hand, she tugged a rebel lock of hair behind her ear, and softly squeezed his hand back. Their eyes were intimately connected, and it was possible to see how happy they both were just by that silly, stubborn glint decorating their irises. “ You’re not really doing a good job, you know.”

“ What? Are you telling me I’ve wasted time and money on reading that ‘How to Flirt’ book?”

“ Probably…” She giggled, leaning closer to his face. “ Do you think you can get your money back? Maybe you can buy a better book with it.”

“ I can try… But then, how am I going to get better?”

“ Oh, just follow your instincts like when we first kissed… Calling me crazy just some seconds before you pulled me to your mouth was quite the move.”

A smirk crossed his lips at the memory of their first kiss, and he could already feel her hot breath tickling his lips. Their voices were lower now, and their eyes were half closed as they both knew very well where that conversation would get them. “ Damn, I don’t think I remember that. All I remember was you mentioning about that car.”

“ Oh.” She chuckled, making his heart skip a beat. “ It was a really good first kiss, I guess.”

“ Yeah… I’ve never seen anything like that in any of the movies I’ve watched so far.”

“ Wow, that is really something, then.”

“Yeah… It is.”

And as naturally as the waves kiss the shore, their lips met in a soft, chaste touch. He leaned forward to answer her gesture, cupping her face with his free hand and caressing her cheek with his thumb. They were both smiling at that moment, completely oblivious to the entire world surrounding them and ignoring the possibility of someone barging in their office. It was their time to be happy in that twisted town, and they wouldn’t let anything take away the innocence they shared in that kiss.

It was gentle, warm and so full of love that when they finally parted, it was still possible to feel the butterflies in their stomachs. Their foreheads were resting against one another, and for the moment, they couldn’t be more thankful for the unpopularity of the press journalism.

It was all about them. All about their happiness.