#i'd like it to make logical sense somehow. because that's how my brain works

[smile-files]

chat do you think it's valid to headcanon that some version of smartphones and/or the internet already existed in 80s laytonworld? i'd be willing to accept it because their timeline of technological advancements is already bizarre (and the visuals of the "kat's corner" end segments in the anime suggest that katrielle somehow has access to something akin to instagram)

[intrulogical]

🍊: The Semantics of The Orange Side

Explaining his function, understanding his role in the narrative, and debunking/dissecting common notions about the Orange Side.

To be honest, this essay was inevitable. I've had thoughts about Orange brewing since 2020, but only recently has it developed into something more concrete. For the longest time, most meta surrounding Orange began with theories about his role as a side, then extended towards narrative and side mechanics later on. I, for one, have been a victim of this pattern. 

Then, I realized that asking who Orange is is a terrible opener for theories.

There are many important questions glossed over if we start that way. For example, what is Orange's role in the overarching theme of combating black-and-white thinking? What does it mean for Orange to be a side? Who is he in the context of the Dark Sides? There are many crucial things to consider when it comes to predicting who Orange is, and I feel like concrete theories can only be made if we can establish the semantics of how Orange works.

This essay definitely won't be perfect— this is literally my second draft— but I will try my best making it in a way that flows, somehow. Some sections will discuss general ideas I have, some will try to dissec popular preconceived notions to reorient our logic surrounding Orange. As always, I'm open to discussion! My words aren't gospel.

Important notes: All mentions of Thomas refer to him as a character. Moreover, I acknowledge that Remus is a flawed depiction of intrusive thoughts. Technically, he acts more of a mix of intrusive thoughts, forbidden creativity, and impulsive thoughts. Because of this, when I talk about Remus in the context of his role, please be assured that I am talking about all his functions at once, not just intrusive thoughts. 

(Full essay under the cut! I worked hard on this, so I'd definitely appreciate the read. <3)

i. Orange as a Dark Side

The ways fans have characterized and defined Orange has always seemed to be rooted in their perception of what being a “Dark” Side is. That is— they are edgy, and somewhat suppressed. They are more “morally questionable” compared to the rest. More fics would even go as far as depicting Orange as morally black, in that he has no role in the narrative other than being a stirring force of conflict; a villain that needs to be defeated.

It is unfortunate to see such a surface level perspective on who the “Dark” Sides are and what they mean as an oppositional force to the “Light” Sides.

My stance on the “Dark” and “Light” sides has always been the same (if you read my past essays, you'll know). Like what Logan said in CLBG, the labels are arbitrary because no side can be argued to be “good” or “bad”. Although, it would be a complete lie for me to say there's no distinction. Rather, Thomas’ black-and-white thinking literally created one. But the distinction does not lie within the sides’ morals, rather it lies in how big their influence is on Thomas. Because the “Light” Sides are welcomed, Thomas will entertain their contributions more than the sides Thomas considers as “bad” or “taboo”.

In my opinion, Orange being morally black makes no sense in a series that is a.) thematically focused on dismantling black-and-white thinking, and b.) a man vs. self conflict. The villain is the problem of Thomas not being able to cope with his mental struggles properly. It would be odd to blame a portion of his brain as the evil of all evils. Although, I'd like to clarify that while Orange most likely wouldn't be morally black, it wouldn't be a surprise to me if he is just as dubious and mischievous as the other “Dark” Sides. After all, if they are the most suppressed sides, they would have to stick to unconventional tactics (aka looking scary) to get Thomas’ attention.

I'll explain more later when I get into what I think Orange actually does as a side. For now, I want to focus on Orange in the context of the “Dark” Sides, because I genuinely think it's an overlooked idea! While nothing is explicitly confirmed, the “Dark” Sides are implied to know something the other characters and we, the audience, don't know about. 

Janus and Remus share this sense of meticulousness. They always feel like they're scheming something. Janus, for example, took his time from CLBG to SVS.R to successfully impart to Thomas that acting out of self-interest isn't the worst thing in the world, especially if your mental health is crumbling. Remus is even in on this plan, although his motivations for assisting Janus aren’t actually explicitly expressed yet. Even if Remus wanted to challenge Logan's self-restraint in WTIT to prove how much it was harming Thomas’ long-term mental health, we still don't know if Remus is doing it out of care for Thomas, or just… ‘cus. Either way, it's important to know that whatever Remus is doing seems to point to the same direction Janus is going, which is to break Thomas’ black-and-white thinking.

Assuming Orange is another “Dark” Side, it feels crucial to understand who Orange is in the context of this undisclosed plan. More than anything, because the “Dark” Sides want to be heard, it would make sense if they unionize to achieve that goal together. If they dismantle Thomas’ horrid perception of them, then all three of them would benefit. Thus, it would make no sense for Orange, if he were not morally black, to act solely out of individual interest. Yes, the “Dark” Sides seem to be introducing themselves one by one, but I feel like that's because a.) narratively, it's to pace, b.) it would scare Thomas for three strangers to pop up to him only for them to be shunned as a collective by the “Light” Sides, and c.) Janus and Remus seem to be performing specific roles in this overarching plan, so while they work separately, it's mostly for the same cause.

So, what does that mean, exactly? Like I said, the “Dark” Sides have an overall goal of being heard, strengthening Thomas’ mental wellbeing, and breaking his black-and-white thinking. If my theory is correct in assuming each “Dark” Side has a specific role for this plan, then pinpointing Janus and Remus’ roles may help us factor out Orange's role.

Here's what I deduced: Janus is there as some kind of soft launch, to set the principle. Janus mirrors Patton in that sense, although in the opposite direction. He breaks apart Thomas’ preconceived notions of the world and bandages it with better, more nuanced foundations. On the other hand, Remus somewhat acts like an alarm clock. While not all his contributions are worthwhile, his mere presence is a reminder that something has to be done. In the series, it's to cater to his deteriorating mental health. He checks if the principles Janus provides aren't being followed, and makes a good fucking clamor about it if it doesn't.

Orange, I'd argue, serves as a means for Thomas to externalize these principles. It would make sense that the last thing Thomas would need to do is to put everything into action. Janus points out how one can be disenfranchised, Remus points out when he is being disenfranchised, and Orange ensures Thomas can express his discomfort when he is disenfranchised. Makes sense, right?

Speaking of externalization.

ii. Personal and Narrative Purpose

If you’re a fan that pre-dates the release of WTIT, you're well-acquainted with the idea that Orange represents Rage or Wrath. This theory came about in cahoots with an old notion that each “Dark” Side needs to have a “Light” Side counterpart, especially if you share complementary colors. Thus, many people assumed that Orange is Logan’s foil. Consequently, most interpretations of Orange depict him as emotion-centric, specifically Rage, as that’s what most people assume is an oppositional force against logic. Moreover, because a portion of Logan’s arc revolves around accepting one’s emotions, it would make sense if Orange, as an emotion-centric side, would be part of that. We’ve gotten two hints from the series itself that confirms this: 1.) a fight sequence in SVS.R showing “Blinding Rage” as one of Thomas’ attacking options, and 2.) the infamous orange eyes in WTIT that appeared when both Thomas and Logan felt angry simultaneously. 

What’s funny is, if you really think about it, we literally only have two pieces of evidence that point to this widely accepted fan theory. Although, unlike the previous section, I’m more inclined to actually believe these theories because it… does make sense! Especially narrative-wise. At the moment, miscommunication amongst the sides are at an all-time high. This is mostly because each side refuses to express their thoughts, especially since they’re at the midst of a complete paradigm shift in terms of morality and principles. Everything’s just a little too fragile, and it does not help that Thomas’ mental health is also at the brink. After SVS.R, the sides have acknowledged Thomas is on edge, but they’re still doing nothing concrete to actually fix it.

WTIT is my favorite episode of the series because it encapsulates the entire conflict so well. While Logan isn’t perfect, much of the useful suggestions he provided since DWIT never last past the moment he suggested them. Did Thomas ever see a therapist? Not really. Did Thomas find someone to talk about his issues with? Doesn't seem like it. Is Thomas taking his time with his mental health recovery? Nope. More than anything, the “Light” Sides and Thomas are very reactionary towards their problems. It’s even worse when you consider that Thomas is opting to pursue a relationship in the middle of this mess. WTIT showing us Thomas getting irrationally angry at Nico for not replying to his texts is… an interesting Chekhov’s Gun for future episodes, lemme tell you that.

Now, why am I relaying all this? It’s mostly to prove that something, or someone, needs to snap. There are grievances between the sides and Thomas that they are consciously suppressing that need out. Roman, Logan, and Thomas, specifically, need some sort of outlet for their frustrations— a way to justify them, in a sense. Logan’s eyes glowing orange while he snapped at Remus speaks so loudly of what Orange may offer. Externalization, justice, “cathartic release,” as my friend Orb (@orbmanson7) put it. Presently, Orange as an externalizing force is needed so they can actually do something about this damn issue! 

And if not, I also see Orange’s role similarly to Remus’. As I’ve explained earlier, Remus’ presence acts as an alarm clock for Thomas to be aware of his deteriorating mental health. If Orange isn’t there to assist in an all-encompassing externalization of a side or Thomas’ deepest grievances, the mere presence of Orange as an emotional force can act as another kind of alarm clock. What I mean is, if we’re feeling mentally low, for example, we don’t need to express our grievances in the most eloquent way possible. Sometimes we just need to get angry. To cry, to shout nonsense. And that alone would be enough to prove that we need help. We need to do something about this. 

To summarize, I think most depictions connecting Orange to emotional externalization are not off. There’s a lot of objectivity surrounding it, both when it comes to the narrative and his semantics as a side. We need a driving force that can topple the sides and Thomas over the edge to fully process the depth of Thomas’ mental health issues. 

But, how does he, a supposedly, emotion-centric side, differ from Patton?

iii. Orange’s True Identity

Now that we laid our foundations, I think it would be a good time to entertain the question of: well, who is Orange?

Truth is, I have my own guess on what I believe Orange to be, but I cannot say my opinion is conclusive. My theories on Orange literally change every two months. So what I'll do, I suppose, is first, explain what makes a side a side. Then, I'll explain my own current predictions about Orange. Lastly, I'll list some popular fan theories I've heard about Orange and give you my thoughts.

a. What is a Side?

First— what constitutes a side? To me, there is no real basis in the conception of a side. Like what my friend Orb once explained to me, the interactions between sides are mental processes personified. This doesn't mean we should simply view the sides as metaphors, by the way. They're a hundred percent characters in their own right. But what I mean by “process personified” is that if we view one of Thomas' conflicts on its own— as in, without the sides— can we imagine the mental processes he's undergoing? To make it clearer, let's use an example. In WTIT, we see Remus and Logan battle out on who gets to influence Thomas more. If we saw this without the sides, we can think of it like— imagine you're having a bad mental health day. You wanted to do a list of chores but your mind is in the gutters right now. You feel guilty because of your demotivation. You try doing what you planned, but you still suck at it, and now you're spiraling, thinking about every insecurity you have, but you're also trying to combat that by rationalizing it.

I'm not gonna say that this definition solves who Orange truly is, but it does help when it comes to understanding how the sides work. Another characteristic of a side would be their multifacetedness. No side embodies one thing alone. They can have roles that are adjacent to each other, but not the same thing. For example, Roman embodies both the ego and creativity. Not the same thing, but it works in tandem in Thomas’ context. Same goes for Remus with intrusive thoughts and dark creativity. It is important to entertain the idea that Orange can encompass more than one role. 

The last thing to consider would be the technical difference between a “Light” Side and a “Dark” Side. The division was created for Thomas to compartmentalize and suppress sides of himself that his Catholic upbringing taught him to believe is bad. If we assume Orange is a “Dark” Side, he must be embodying something typically thought of as taboo. 

b. Who is Orange?

This brings us to our earlier question of, how does Patton differ from Orange if they both embody emotions? In DWIT, Logan confirms Remus was born from the categorization of certain thoughts as good or bad. I think it wouldn't be farfetched to suggest the same happened to Orange if he did embody emotions at a certain capacity. One of the biggest arguments I hear against this suggestion would be, if Patton already represents Thomas’ emotions, why do we need another side who does? The answer, again, lies in the themes of black-and-white thinking and compartmentalization. If Remus embodies the thought of committing a “sin”, Orange could possibly embody the actual emotions of wanting to do so. Anger is merely one possibility in Orange's roster of emotions. There are other emotions as well deemed “sinful” by Catholicism— pride, jealousy, hatred, greed, grief, etc. It would make sense that Patton would try omitting these out of himself when he was younger because he viewed them lowly.

So, what is my actual guess on who Orange is meant to embody? Well, I mean, I think my stance is pretty clear from the past 2500 words written literally before this. Simply put, if Remus is meant to embody forbidden thoughts, then Orange embodies forbidden emotions. Anger is merely one of many. He aids both Thomas and the other sides in externalizing strong emotions that seep past their efforts of suppression.

This is, of course, under the assumption that Orange is his own separate entity. I'm more inclined to believe this because Virgil confirms in CLBG that Janus has “Dark” Side friends (as in, plural). It also just feels more balanced this way if we consider the forbidden thoughts vis-a-vis forbidden emotions parallel to be true.

c. How could Logan be Orange?

But, of course, I've also considered the possibility of Logan being Orange. It's not my theory of choice but as someone who was balls deep in this theory a few months ago, there's definitely some merit to it. Here's the link to the post if you want to read my theory in full. It's pretty lengthy, but to summarize: This theory operates under the assumption that Thomas’ suppression of certain sides (ie. making them a “Dark” Side) makes them develop an additional role— the role Thomas perceives them as. 

To explain better, let's use Remus as an example. Logan explained that, originally, Remus separated from Roman as Dark Creativity. Because Thomas refuses to entertain any creative thought he deemed bad, any suggestion provided by Remus was immediately labeled as intrusive. Thus, he became intrusive thoughts via Thomas’ low perception of him. Same goes for Janus, but to a lesser degree. As a side, he mostly acts out of the interest of Thomas, somewhat like self-preservation. But, because Catholic upbringing teaches that selfishness equates to evil, Thomas perceives Janus’ role of keeping things hidden as deceitful.

Thus, if Logan is Orange, then that means Logan’s role as logic is warping due to Thomas’ low perception of him. It’s no secret that Thomas views Logan as a “strict” side. In this scenario, I wouldn’t exactly say his additional role has something to do with externalization. Moreso, it has to do something with assertion or strict discipline. Think of an authoritative figure, like a teacher. Usually, when an authoritative teacher isn’t being respected in a class, they resort to meaner tactics like passive aggression, manipulation, etc. to impose their power. Logan doesn’t really transform into anything opposite to who he is as Logic. Rather, he has an additional role that coincides with Thomas’ perverted perception of logic. I’m not actually sure what this role is, but if I were to guess, it has something to do with restriction, discipline, or conformity. 

Narratively, Logan becoming a “Dark” Side makes sense when you realize that his entire character arc is about him losing his sense of self-assertion. I made an essay last year that explores this if you want something to read later. To explain, WDWGOOBITM establishes how it’s important for Thomas to balance his practicality (needs) and aspirational desires (wants) for him to function as a human being. At the same time, we get LNTAO where Logan realizes that he failed to contribute to the discussion as usefully as the other sides. This creates a scenario where Logan concedes a lot of the decision-making to Patton and Roman’s hands. The result: Logan’s presence is minimized. Even in the episodes where he “saves the day” (DWIT and the Frozen episode), Thomas refused to consider his suggestions until the latter halves of the episodes. WTIT emphasizes this even more when we see Thomas prioritize his date with Nico to keep himself happy instead of focusing on the chores he promised to do. Even if we don’t know if Roman had anything to do with this, it’s obvious Thomas is naturally more inclined to do things Patton and Roman would prefer than something Logan does.

Thus, it makes sense that Logan becomes a “Dark” Side. But, and this is an important but, I don’t really agree with depictions of Logan suspending his role as logic to become a “Dark” Side. Logic is such an integral part of who we are as people, that even if you’re an intuition-focused person, you’d still have logical facilities in your head that connect one thing to another. Basic knowledge and all that. I can only see Logan be a completely new role if someone takes his place as Logic. Personally, I don’t like that idea, but you can make your own takeaways on this.

How “Dark” Sides are conceived would still be a mystery. The closest we’ve gotten to an explanation is Remus’ origin story, where he and Roman originally started as one creativity until they separated. In this sense, becoming a “Dark” Side didn’t really uproot Remus’ original role. He just changed a little. I’d like to assume the same for Logan, because if he is literally born as Thomas’ Logic, then he as a “Dark” Side would still have similar roles, just with minor changes.

d. Other Theories

Now with the main theories out of the way, let me speedrun through other theories I’ve heard and give my thoughts on it:

Procrastination: I feel like this is too surface-level for a side. As in, hHow would Procrastination justify itself to Thomas as a side that wants to help? Yes, Procrastination would be a good foil to Thomas, but Thomas’ inability to work doesn’t stem from Procrastination. It stems from bad solutions to his mental health crisis. Anyway, too cheap.

ADHD: This feels like… it’s prone to problematic territory. For real, ADHD is so multifaceted in itself, and is literally a disability? I think it makes more sense to have ADHD traits sprinkled amongst the sides rather than one character representing it as a whole. To make it its own guy is like suggesting the other six sides are divorced from Thomas’ ADHD characteristics, which feels wrong to me.

Hatred and any other suggestion that relates to “taboo” emotions: See my argument on Orange encapsulating forbidden emotions as a whole instead of Rage/Wrath on its own.

Justice: I actually liked this idea and sort of incorporated it with my idea of Orange as a means of externalization! To enact justice means to externalize your deepest desires— cathartic release. 

Regret: See: the last two points, since it’s very similar.

Repression: Your heart’s in the right place, but most theories that subscribe to this literally just describe Janus. Keeping things secret because you think it’s unbeneficial? That’s one of Janus’ roles. 

Insecurity: That is literally Remus’ role. While intrusive thoughts shouldn’t be viewed as meritable, intrusive thoughts base itself on a person’s sensitivities and insecurities. I also have an essay detailing how Remus is incredibly perceptive about everyone’s insecurities here.

That's about all the other theories I can recall, but if anyone else has other suggestions, send it to my inbox and I'll give you my thoughts. 

Now that we understand Orange's fundamentals and who he is as a side, the question to ask next is what is he capable of as a side?

iv. Powers and Influences

Now we get to the part where I am! The most unsure about! As of the time I'm writing this, I literally just had a conversation with Orb trying to understand how Orange “possesses” Thomas and the sides, and nothing conclusive came out of it. Even if we are shown one instance of how Orange influences the others (ie. Logan's orange eyes), we actually do not know how that works at all. 

I suppose we can start by asking ourselves how Orange embodies forbidden emotions. I see his insistence for Thomas to perform a certain emotion similar to how Patton would do it. It's impulsive, reactionary. They undergo a situation, then they make Thomas feel an emotion they deem apt for that situation. The only reason Orange isn't utilized as much as Patton is because, of course, Patton is who Thomas is more familiar with. I'd also like to argue that the emotions Orange would possibly encapsulate aren't ones that are constantly expressed. Most of the time, we are in a state of happiness or contentment, emotions covered by Patton. If not, we experience sadness, another common emotion covered by Patton. I would imagine Orange's roster of emotions are only experienced rarely, or if put in a continuous dire situation. Immense anger, for example, would pop up if you feel continuously disenfranchised by something. See: Thomas’ mental health crisis.

Ergo, Orange allows Thomas to feel “taboo” emotions when the situation calls for it. Pretty straightforward. But we're not done yet, because we have to consider what it means that Orange also assists other sides in externalizing their own emotions. We can't use the same argument we gave to Thomas because the sides… aren't each others’ sides. They're Thomas’. If Orange assists in the externalization of the other sides’ repressed emotions, then it has to work differently.

A widely accepted theory or headcanon I see in the fandom is that Orange “possessed” Logan to make him get angry. Or, Logan made a deal with Orange, and now he has angry spurts he doesn't understand. While I appreciate the efforts to make juicy angst, I'm not fond of the idea that these theories basically imply that Logan's anger in WTIT was not his own. In reality, it was. Logan suppressed his frustrations about everyone ignoring his suggestions, and now he snaps. Making it seem like he can't achieve these emotions on his own volition implies he has no frustrations about his predicament to begin with.

The real question is, then, why did Logan's eyes glow orange if his emotions at that moment were genuine? Well, like other segments of this essay, it's hard for me to say something conclusively. We literally have nothing else to work on, guys, pardon me if I can't be a hundred percent certain on my assertions. But if I were to guess, I'm inclined to believe that Orange cannot make the sides feel emotions that they don't already have. Rather, he's responsible for enhancing it. In Logan's situation, for example, his frustration is completely his own. But when you submit to something like, let's say, blinding rage, sometimes you lose your sense of control and simply act. In this case, Orange possibly assists the flow of emotions the side in question would be experiencing.

I'll admit though, I literally have no clue how Orange does that, how he assists the other sides to feel their repressed emotions better. Again, we are working with practically nothing here. Although, one thing we can entertain is the idea that Orange has something to do with a side's state of being. Just like how Janus causes the sides to cover their mouths when expressing a lie, the sides’ eyes could possibly glow orange just because they're feeling an intense, “taboo” emotion. If you don't want to imagine Orange as its own side, you can also factor in the popular fan theory that Orange is simply a state of being the sides experience, no additional side required. Either way, while we cannot dive deep on the semantics of the glowy eyes thing, we can at least confirm there is a link between a side externalizing repressed or “taboo” emotions and Orange himself.

v. Relationships With The Sides (Especially Logan)

Another thing I wanted to discuss is the relationships Orange shares with the other sides. The most accepted depiction of Orange shows him distanced from the “Dark” Sides, while also having a crude fascination with Logan. We've discussed enough of how I view Orange in the context of the “Dark” Sides, so I'd like to focus more on what it means for Orange to assimilate with the “Light” Sides, especially Logan.

Because Logan's first to be seen with these orange eyes, many are quick to assume this is an isolated case. Fair enough— we don't have other examples to compare this with. At the same time, I think a lot of people aren't considering the idea that, if we go by the assumption that Orange is connected to states of being, then any other side can also experience the orange eyes. I won't even be surprised if it happens to Roman in this coming season finale.

But is the much entertained idea of Logan being specifically targeted by Orange unfounded? I would say no, not necessarily. The “Dark” Sides and Logan have always had an interesting relationship. Logan in particular is shown to be the side most unbothered their presence. Again, he's the side who argued that no side can actually be categorized as “good” or “bad”. He's the most sympathetic to the “Dark” Sides, but also… isn’t. 

There's an explainable contradiction here. Even if Logan is nicer to the “Dark” Sides compared to the others, he also has the reputation of being able to easily and successfully shut down their suggestions. He completely opposed Janus’ side in SVS out of Thomas’ interest. He shut down Remus not once, but twice, to protect Thomas. But that's the thing— he does not shut down the “Dark” Sides’ contributions because he disagrees with them. Moreso, he does it because he thinks that's what Thomas’ wants. For example, he admitted in SVS that even if he wanted Thomas to attend the callback, he still preferred if Thomas attended the wedding instead because he thought that was what Thomas would have wanted.

And, well, we saw how Janus responded to Logan's decision— he was confused. It's like he had trust Logan would vouch for his side. Let's remember the main goal of the “Dark” Sides: to be respected, to break Thomas’ black-and-white thinking, and to get him out of his mental slump. This goal can only be achieved if they restore the balance of want and need lost partially due to Logan's diminishing self-assertion. They know Logan can do something if he lets himself loose. That's why Remus and Janus teased him in the Secret Santa gift exchange about wanting to express his frustrations. That's why, after Logan's outburst in WTIT, Remus says, “Gee, Logan, now you're speaking my language.” 

They want Logan in on their plan. For that to begin, they need to make Logan in tune with his own emotional wants and needs, to make him more assertive. Thus, Orange would have to step in. There is merit when fans joke about the “Dark” Sides wanting Logan to go apeshit— it's because it's true. It's because it benefits them.

I can only provide things to consider when it comes to the other sides:

With Patton, think of the point I made earlier about Orange being “bad” emotions divorced from Patton, in a similar way Remus and Roman were created. The main difference between them would be that Patton has more faculty over principles, since Janus has that covered for the “Dark” Sides. While Patton, influenced by Catholic morality, thinks emotions and morals are intertwined, it would make sense for the more cynical sides to view them as separate.

Roman, as aforementioned, may also be susceptible to Orange's influence as the other side tends to hide his emotions from the others. With how the narrative is building up, I won't be surprised if Roman's frustrations with the whole debacle about morals heightens in the finale, especially if something Interesting happens between Thomas and Nico. You can't use Nico as a distraction forever, Thomas. Remember Thomas’ anger at Nico not responding to his messages, remember Chekhov's Gun.

Virgil is an interesting case because he would be more familiar with Orange compared to the others. That begs the question of, is he aware of the “Dark” Sides current goals and plans? My idea is, yes, but only to a certain extent. This can go down many paths. There's the possibility that Virgil was the first part of the plan, but accidentally grew closer with the “Light” Sides before he fully completed it. This explains why he hasn't disclosed the plans to the others, especially since it may incriminate him as someone who was part of that plan. There's the possibility that he knows nothing of the plan, but is familiar with the “Dark” Sides’ antics. Thus, he can't do much but stay suspicious of the sides. Either way, we still don't know enough to conclude how much Virgil knows, but I doubt he would get along with Orange.

I pondered about Janus a little because, if Orange is meant to embody externalization in some form, what does that mean for him, the embodiment of self-preservation and secrecy? I don't have the answer, but while we know the “Dark” Sides have to work with each other, we don't actually know how close Janus and Remus genuinely are with Orange. To be fair, Janus and Remus are complete opposites and they get along fine. I'd definitely prefer it if all of the “Dark” Sides were actually close because it creates such a perfect juxtaposition to the “Light” Sides’ crumbling family. 

I also thought Orange and Remus would make interesting parallels as two forbidden versions of feeling and thinking respectfully. Like I said earlier, Remus can only suggest, but he never actually embodies the emotions of wanting to do taboo things. Orange, however, could. No other points except for the ones I mentioned about the “Dark” Sides in the previous bullet.

vi. Long-Term Presence

Originally, this essay would end here and already be posted. I even went through at least half of it for beta reading. Then, Orb started a discussion where they asked what I thought Orange's purpose was, especially since most theories (even the one you're reading right now) are more centered on Orange in the context of the current conflict. There was actually a part I wanted to write during the second segment where I disclosed what I thought Orange would contribute in the grander scheme of things, but I omitted it because it felt too out of place.

I replied to Orb what I was going to write; I thought that Orange was going to be the final push for Thomas to go to therapy, and make Thomas stand his ground more instead of asking the sides for advice every time he has an issue. I've always thought this, especially therapy, was one of the ways the series would end as a whole, because it means Thomas would stop talking to his sides. Or at least, in the way we see him do it in the show. That sounds a bit cynical, I know. Why would I suggest that Sanders Sides end by Thomas cutting ties with the sides?

Well, I'm not. Not entirely. I'm not advocating Thomas does. What I mean is, an underlying conflict to the current conflicts we have now is how Thomas internalizes his problems. This is literally how the series functions. Thomas has a problem, then consults himself about it via the sides. Even c!Joan mentions it in CLBG. This issue of the problem aversion Thomas has would be fine in the former parts of the series, as the things he consulted the sides about were small. But as the series progresses, we're facing issues that call for an entire paradigm shift in morality. Of Thomas putting himself and his friends in the infamous Trolley Problem. Of Thomas facing horrible intrusive thoughts he opts to combat alone.

I once called Sanders Sides a psychological horror because we see how a normal dude's mental health crumbles as he deals with life-changing situations alone. To find a solution for this main, underlying conflict means the show has to end— internalization IS the series’ foundation!

And so Orb suggested the most batshit idea— what if Orange was Thomas’ foil? Not in a sense that confirms the Opposite Sides theory. Rather, Orange, if his role is externalization, is literally the antithesis of how the sides work. As Orb put it, Orange is there to “completely wreck the format”, making Thomas realize that consulting the sides for help has its limits. He has to literally go out and touch grass, talk to his friends about his moral dilemmas, consult a damn therapist. That is what I think Orange's true purpose as a side is.

vii. Closing Statements

In the end, I can't say that everything I've stated in this essay is pure fact, but this is the most educated guess I can give considering what we're given and what we can expect to happen in canon. While most theories I've seen easily pinpoint different issues the sides and Thomas are facing in the series, these theories would then guess that Orange would be the cause of these issues. That's where theories like Procrastination, Repression, Regret, etc. come from. More than anything, I want you to see that Orange acts in response to these issues rather than in tandem with it. 

The best advice I can give you when theorizing about Orange is: ask yourself what needs to be seen in the series. Remember, Sanders Sides is a narrative. Episodes will continue to happen past Orange's inevitable reveal. Think of Orange in this context, as his own character with motivations and wants for Thomas. Only then you can make educated guesses about him.

Anyway, thank you for reading my incredibly extensive essay on Orange! Again, my words are not gospel, so if you want to discuss anything further, add onto this post or send me an ask! Please read this post though before you send me anything. And If you enjoyed this, PLEASE reblog, I'd definitely appreciate it! If you want to read more stuff from me, here's a carrd masterlist of Sanders Sides meta I've done. Happy reading!

[skeren]

Hi! I'm the mod for @svsss-fanon-exposed and saw your tags on my timeline post-- do you have a write-up of your own interpretation of the svsss timeline? I'd be really interested in seeing it if so bc I love to also look at how other people interpret these ideas!

Okay, so, I had to reread to get my bearings about what I saw that made me go 'no, that seems wrong' and it's a few specific points, I think. I want to say from the start that it all seems very well thought out and well supported and if you were working from a logical basis that makes sense for a setting like this, generally speaking, or even for one of MXTX's other works, you would be golden.

The problem is that you're being respectful, thoughtful, and giving all the background of the world the basis of logic and benefit of the doubt.

That doesn't work for SVSSS. At least, not quite to the extent that you're showing it to.

Okay, first thing's first. The one that I have no evidence for. This one is based more on feelings and the fact that even after he's running around running half the demon realm Binghe still calls Ning Yingying Shijie. By that point, he'd basically usurped the Head Disciple position off Ming Fan in the past, has been running his own sect part time, and generally been above and beyond successful for a given value of the word. He's certainly stopped being respectful to most people from Cang Qiong. I take this as proof that Ning Yingying must be older than Binghe, and not just someone who was a martial sibling who was there longer. She's Shijie because she was there longer, is older, and thus that's just the title she gets, full stop. I might be wrong, that's always an option, but that's how I see it, and I've always placed her at one or two years older, with Ming Fan at closer to three. Similarly, it makes her insistence on getting a new Shidi much more reasonable if she's been waiting for a while to get one, and didn't end up there shortly before Binghe, but years earlier with Shen Qingqiu being immensely picky and denying her new playmates.

Circling back to the respectfulness thing though. I absolutely and whole heartedly believe that the absolute vitriol that Shen Qingqiu receives from the sect and we see through Shang Qinghua's eyes is because he had no time to prove himself. He showed up, and was nearly immediately dumped with the head disciple position, probably because he has a brain in his head, and didn't even have to go through the choosing trials to get there. How dare he. We see after Shen Yuan takes over his life that given even a little justification that the people in this world will accept practically anything, so that means that Shen Jiu must have had absolutely no chance to prove himself to the sect, to prove he was worthwhile and didn't get the position through some kind of underhanded means or even bribery. This also fits the narrative beats of how Airplane initially wrote his backstory and the way it's presented that somehow, events always conspire to show Shen Jiu in the absolute worst light no matter what he does.

By this thought process, it puts him solidly at a year younger than Shang Qinghua, or at the very least, the same age with a few months between.

Following the logic of that, me and my bestie, who helped me get all these sorted out, thus have the whole situation with Tianlang-jun happen a scarce few years after he shows up, no more than three, and that they all ascend to being Peak Lords within the same year that the last head disciple (Probably Shang Qinghua) is chosen, which happened in a very short time after that fight.

So as you can see a lot of the same beats are followed, but I think you might be dropping the ball on the actual timeline of Shen Qingqiu being booted up to the head disciple position, because this is, in fact, an absurd exaggerated world that plays up all tropes and nepotism is nothing if not the most powerful trope and it would look like that from the outside if nobody knew the real circumstances of the Shen Jiu's arrival.

As for a thing I agree with but feel the need to expand on! I am aware that your timeline cuts off around when SVSSS starts, but I should point out that we know, near for certain, that SVSSS starts when Binghe is 14, and no more than perhaps four or five months away from his 15th birthday. The reason for this is that in one of the extras he says he is fifteen and this is almost immediately after he's moved into the bamboo house by Shen Yuan following his three months of cultivation, which we know happens as soon as he manages to unlock the OOC feature. I can't imagine that Shen Yuan took more than a month to get this unlocked, so there you go.

Forgive me that it's not a properly written out timeline such as yours, and instead picking at a few specific points, as I know how difficult these can be to maintain and have made them myself for other fandoms. I simply have not sat down and done so here. Thank you for reading this far, and I hope that this proves useful to you!

[deafeninggalaxycandy]

"why do u ship kyle & bebe."

"why not Nichole or Heidi or Stan or Rebecca?"

"he doesn't even like bebe, she's with clyde."

*inhales deeply preparing for a long ass explanation.*

NUMBER 1: Heidi

Kyle can't be with Heidi bc i do not believe he ever loved her but just felt sympathy because she was an innocent girl dating and being manipulated by a murderous psychopath who he happened to hate. Heidi did rehabilitate and apologize in my AU. HOWEVER kyle wouldn't date her simply bc of how racist/antisemitic she was. even tho she was being manipulated, she fed into it, knowing it was wrong solely for her love and need to save face. and the fact she even willingly dated a guy like cartman in the first place, kyle would not even put himself in that position with her. I think they'd be friends of course, they share mutual interests, high grades, and they'd definitely bitch to each other about eric. but romantically, I just don't see it.

NUMBER 2: Nichole

okay, this ship is probably the most logical heterosexual one for Kyle. They both liked each other, more than likely had mutual interests. They would've ended up together if cartman didn't intervene. That being said, I don't ship it 100% because I personally see Nichole as a shy sweetie. Kyle is intense. He's a sweetie, too, but he's intense. I wouldn't see Nichole matching his rage or being able to handle it. She'd more than Iikely get scared asf. This is why she's good with Tolkien because he's similar to Kyle, except he hardly gets pissed off. Also, she definitely wouldn't wanna deal with the harassment of cartman or the general shenegains of his friend group. Under different circumstances, tho I could see them working somehow. They would definitely be a cute couple

NUMBER 3: STAN

This is the best ship for Kyle (next to Kybe ofc but that's my opinion.) And it 10000% makes sense. They love each other, they're very close, they spend the most time together, they get along way better than almost anyone else in the entire fucking series. my only problem with it and I mean ONLY problem. Is. Wendy.

I love wendy testerburger okay. And I cannot let go of Stendy. I can't okay I CANT-

it might just be my compulsive heterosexuality seeping in idk but I just can't.

also a big part of how I view ships are the fanfictions. I've never seen one good style fic where they have enjoyable romance, not too slow, not too fast, and Wendy isn't slandered or made to be a perfect goddess. I need a REALISTIC style fanfiction that's AGED UP and true to the CHARACTERS. PLEASE!!!

in an alternate universe, though, where either stan and wends never got together in the first place or wendy gets with bebe, then I'd be 100% on board with style.

NUMBER 4: Clyde

I don't see clyde with bebe and that's mostly due to my portrayal of him.

I was watching euphoria while writing his character and Nate kind of seeped into my brain and I projected him onto clyde and now it's stuck in my head forever.

Go see my Clyde Hcs for details, but I wouldn't see Bebe staying with him. I mean, for God's sake she explicitly only dated him for shoes in the show, they didn't like each other genuinely 😭.

NUMBER 5: Rebecca

they met fucking once dude.

and don't even compare this to kenny and kelly.

she not only broke Kyle's heart by acting like a wh*re but she inadvertently triggered her brother to beat him up.

and I'm pretty sure she supposedly went back to home school. She hasn't been back on the show since Season 3, Episode 12, "Hooked on Monkey Fonics."

I don't even think she liked him tbh, I think she was just confused about everything from being homeschooled and didn't know her real feelings.

*exhales deeply*

I'm gonna make a Ship List series soon explaining why I ship the ships I do (like Kybe) so I'll go more in detail then.

for now, this is just explaining why I don't 100% see him with anyone else.

thanks for listening to me yap, drink water, stay safe, and TAKE UR DAMN MEDS!!!

love u byeeee :)

[softsky-daily]

12/18/2023

If you squint really hard you can see the white speck that is the moon.

Positive thing: I actually finished another book within the day, and I made more yummy fried rice.

The book wasn't that good, but still, it's been a very long time since I've just read through books daily like this. I honestly think it might've been high school when I last read so often. College really kept me too busy and my brain too evaporated to focus on recreational reading so it's nice to get back to it.

I was reading in the middle of work since I had finished literally all the tasks I could think of within like 2 hours and my coworker somehow got me to do all the heavy lifting for some books she wanted to move today. I think I'm mostly annoyed because I just can't understand what she's thinking. It's one thing to be given a task by our boss and she's asking for help, I don't mind that so much since I can understand why she's doing it, but as far as I could tell (and after I questioned her and got a response like "I just feel like they'll want us to move it so let's do it before they ask") there was no reason for us to move them now. I hate doing things for no reason and I especially hate doing things for no reason that someone else roped me into doing for them. Waste my time in a way that's logical or fun at least but if it's completely busy work that you want to do but make me do then get outta here.

Ok I just deleted a whole other paragraph complaining about my coworker and now you're seeing this instead. You've been spared a very long and salty ramble.

Anyway, switching gears so I stop getting re-upset about my coworker, I legit still haven't stopped thinking about 逃げ恥. I've tried to keep quieter about it mostly because the level at which I love it so much is embarrassing to admit but also there's hardly an English audience for it? Which makes sense, but I can't even find gifs or whatever of it on Tumblr and I thought they liked dramas on here. It was a huge phenomenon in Japan, so I've mostly been lurking around random Japanese blogs trying to get my fix on the meta response to the show.

I think if I had to put into words the specific things that make it hit for me specifically I'd list it out like this:

The main female lead literally has a grad degree in clinical psychology so she's me fr. Also I think she's really pretty

The main male lead is respectful and grows so much throughout the show it reminds me of how Tumblr people go crazy for that guy in Pride and Prejudice because he cleans up his act. I also think he's really pretty

A lot of the show is actually a social commentary, which I find fascinating especially from a Japanese context

The romantic shenanigans are so good because they're based on playing with social hierarchies which to me is the coolest way to explore relationship dynamics of any kind

It feels comfortable through the very end, with nothing feeling overly contrived or like they were miscommunicating for no reason

Alright I'll stop myself there or this post will be longer than it already is. I gotta get to work tomorrow good night

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

my son of the driest wit

my son is eleven

one of my lucky numbers

he has my eyes and my sensitivity and a mind like mine

he sings with me and he's one of my greatest fans

he tells me his friends think I'm cool which is nice

kids are really honest and I trust them more than most

he's also sick this week and keeps surprising me

because when you're sick everyone turns into a child

and sometimes he's eleven or sometimes he's younger

when the symptoms are overwhelming

he feels things with such intensity and I remind him

that we are running gaming computers in our heads

so we get better graphics but it also takes more energy

luckily I said it in a way that makes sense to him

he likes his neurodiverse kind of brain now

didn't so much like it when it made him so different

but he has a group of friends that love his humor

and he constantly surprises me with how he thinks

today I got to tell him the story of finding out about him

he's always known he was a surprise in my plans

but I've always told all of them they came from the stars

and I was lucky they chose me as a mom

because he's sick he wants me near

he's not really a cuddly guy and gets overstimulated easily

but when he's sick that all disappears

he wants to lay next to me and hold my hand

and so I told him that I'd tell him that story

what was going on in my life and how

his father and I broke up after three months

and knew we just did not work as partners

but ended up finding out we'd created something

I told him about a man I loved and had gone to visit

before I found out and confirmed I had a passenger

he enjoyed hearing about it and told me

as I was telling him about different adventures

me and this man had gotten ourselves into

that he could imagine it in his mind

I think he was seeing me as a different character

not just as the mother he loved but the woman I was

before I decided to change my life completely

before I decided to change myself completely

it was the role I was going to take the most seriously

and I told him about how sometimes

you can love two things just as desperately

but you end up having to choose just one

I hadn't told him about this before

he wasn't really old enough to grasp the complexity

and I underestimated him even tonight

I told him how I'd wrote this email to him that was

at least a small novel about all my feelings

and I've obviously always had plenty of them

I linked a song and I think put lyrics and just

tore my heart out and smeared it all over my computer

and how this freaking guy wrote back

"you got four days"

yeah, that was it and that was a common dynamic

and he laughed at that because he has a friend

that's also a girl with a lot of feelings and a lot of words

to tell him all about them and he doesn't always

know what to do with all of it but he still likes to listen

I think he liked seeing me like that too

he likes to see me as all my selves which I'm still learning

I kind of thought I was supposed to play

this perfect mother role so that's something to think about

I told him I had four days to visit because this man

was leaving to go to war in a desert like his own dad had

so I went and visited and that love we couldn't quite

figure out but always had was still there

and to my son I said, still kind of bewildered to know

even though I lived it and I knew it but to say it

somehow gave it a new meaning and a new feeling

"when I told him I was pregnant he said something to me..."

and this kid didn't even miss a beat and left me laughing

"did he offer to buy you some plan B?"

and he said it with curiosity and not a lick of judgement

I don't even think he knew why I was laughing

fuck I'm still laughing because it's so logical

and when I got myself together I shook my head

and told him that the man offered to help me raise him

I'd already framed the whole thing kind of like a folk story

as a joke to keep everything light and upbeat

and I let him sit with that a moment but he didn't say anything

and then I went on to tell him about how

I made the choice for him because he had friends

and family and a life that he'd leave to come here

and it wouldn't have made him happy back then

at least that is what I had decided and I knew

I had to at least try to make a family with his dad

that also wasn't quite ready but we all

did the best with what we had to work with

there was good and bad and ugly and it didn't work

and the kids are very aware of why their father and I

just did not have the same way of thinking about anything

except how much we loved them and wanted to give them

the life we never got to have as kids because our parents

also didn't have what they needed to make things work

in a way that gave us all what we needed at their age

and to this day I get to watch my children trust the world

with arms wide open and make friends and take chances

he wanted to hear more so I told more stories

and it was fun because I got to see things in a whole new way

I got to tell him about my poetry and a loyal reader

that turned out to be a best friend holding my hand

and he thought that was the coolest thing in the world

for someone to do for his mother that he now knew more of

it's a really cool story and I like being part of it

and that's kind of a new role

[angelbluediary]

7/5/2024 Brain Dump

More than half the year has gone by...

Well, one nice thing about today was filling the bird bath with water. I tried to make sure it was cold enough; it's scorching these days, and a red cardinal seemed unhappy to get no relief from the just-damp stone, which inspired me to walk outside with a heavy water jug and hear the wind chimes for the first time in a long time.

Our parents are at the lake. It's easier to do things when I'm not passing by others to do it, explaining what I'm doing and why. Easier when I'm not being perceived, when I can just let my body wander and not have to be on guard against anything or use my words to justify existing or fulfilling any random whim.

I finally beat Baldur's Gate 3. I turned into a mind flayer sorta kinda against my will, killed myself in front of everyone after the final battle (because my Durge did not resist her murderous urge throughout the entire game and finally beat it just to have to give up her personhood and be stuck with a new one!), and cried irl when I immediately realized Karlach had to die without me being there for her till the end like I had promised her. For a game with so much freedom, I felt so powerless at the end. Like all the struggle and resistance had been for nothing, and of course that translates to my irl bitter view at how things have been so overall it just sort of soured the experience for me. Not to say I dislike it or am done, I'll definitely be diving back in here and there to try new choices. But I think more than ever, I need happy endings after all the strife and misery.

In other news, there is no other news. Indecision paralysis still grips me fiercely. My "plans" swing from one end of the pendulum to the next with each passing day. I make pros and cons lists of all my ideas and then can't stand to look at them or consider any of it. It's like I've lost the ability to function. My mind is so sharp and analytical but only in its pursuit to keep me resentful and sad and convince me why everything sucks. It's a narrow view that I know logically holds no merit but my feelings, my experiences, my unhealed wounds all cry otherwise and they're so so heavy.

When I think of putting anything out into the world now -- even things I really enjoy or used to daydream about all the time -- I feel sick to my stomach. I can't commit to anything. I'm so terrified of doing any particular thing which I KNOW makes no sense because I'm much more fed up with not doing ANYTHING than if I were to pursue a goal. But when does the goal lose its luster? When do I become disillusioned with the thing I'd sunk my time and efforts into? Where does any of it go if it's not going towards building a future for myself where I can buy myself food and shelter and pay my debts back? Reality feels like a noose around my neck and I'm trying to convince myself I'm still in love with the rope's bite.

Anyway. Brain dump. Here are my "plans":

APPLY TO PRESTIGIOUS MFA WRITING PROGRAMS. Pursue what I'd always wanted to pursue and hone my creative writing skills. Stoke my ego by possibly getting accepted into a respectable program (on the flip side, getting a closed door instead of endless "what ifs"). Embrace deadlines, new motivation, community, acceptance as the type of writer I always have been (before it was beat out of me), be able to move somewhere new and GET OUT OF THIS PLACE, get a graduate assistantship so I'd be gaining new academic and professional experience at the same time...

LIBRARY SCIENCE DEGREE. Spend 2 years training to be a librarian and look for opportunities to gain professional experience before graduation. More practical than the creative writing route and would offer a decently organized, quiet job. I like the idea of libraries beyond their peaceful atmosphere; they're safe spaces for lots of people. Might be emotionally-challenging but I've always found myself somehow taking on roles more suited to counselors. Could work at public libraries or at schools, museums, etc. Better than working as a teacher and with a better salary, too.

SUCK IT UP AND GET A DEGREE/CERTIFICATE IN GOOD-PAYING, IN-DEMAND JOB. You only need a certificate (little over a year) to become an X-ray tech and start making decent money. I wouldn't have to worry about my salary or my passions being bled dry by work; I'd clock in, do my job, clock out, and then unwind with things I like. Would have to look more into how much it costs to be certified. Also hate the idea of working in medical, personally. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I don't think I'm cut out for that kind of work. Scared it would break me down. (but being unemployed pursuing what I like is also breaking me down, so.)

NO MORE SCHOOL, HOLD OUT FOR JOBS NOW. Give the idea of school a rest and move on. Toughen up my resume, gain what professional experiences I can with what I've got, and try to be smarter about how I present myself in applications and interviews. Just focus on making money however I best can.

Actually, I have to do #4 anyway since I'm desperately trying to scrounge up enough money to get by month to month. Although I'm only paying for storage and bills, I'm losing more than I'm making and just barely staying afloat. I just need my foot in the door somewhere. I can't keep track of all the places and institutions I've applied to. Random odd jobs, big girl jobs, everything in between.

The first two options appeal to me the most; the first is the most exciting, but the biggest gamble. There's no guarantee that going back to school even with tuition remission and an assistantship would make for easy living, or even do much to affect my future prospects. I would secure an assistantship with a decent stipend though, and make sure my program has plenty to teach on the publishing industry which I'd like to work in, along with professional and networking opportunities while in school. It'd be a restart point for me.

Being a librarian is also a nice thought but I'm worried I'd get bored with it or have "dry periods" where nowhere around me would be hiring library workers. But of course I could pack up and move...

~

The other day, I applied for 3 different variations of academic advisor positions (it took 4 hours total, woof). 2 on-site at colleges near me, and 1 remote. I was rejected last year by my alma mater, even though people I graduated with were hired and folded back into the nest. Although that makes me a little bitter, the real kick in the teeth for me was seeing the boy who violated me and poured his trauma into me move away and get an advisor position at an even BIGGER school. Where he now has access to all those first year students. And I know my credentials were better than his. It all starts to make me feel like I'm going crazy.

Back to the MFA thing. I can't even apply without any writing samples. I always think it'll just work itself out, I'll write just enough to make a strong portfolio and then once I'm in school again, the floodgates will open. I make all kinds of excuses for why I can't tap into my writing here: I have no space, I'm too angry and strung out being here, I have very little privacy, it's dark, I feel physically ill because everything is dirty, blah blah blah. I couldn't write in my sunny spacious apartment either. Will it really all turn around because of a writing program?

(yes, yes it could. Deadlines and guidelines. Accountability. Need to impress. All the wrong reasons all the right steps).

My brain is a constant storm and I hate asking for advice because when I do -- and it takes SUCH immense effort dear lord -- I feel dismissed, or discouraged, or even offended. I get defensive instantly. I keep reaffirming that I won't let anyone else guide my life, and now it's difficult to even hear someone out when they're giving practical solutions to the issues that have plagued me for a long time now.

I still want to make this next step on my own. I want to do it in secret and be totally committed to it before I share it. Everything in me is telling me to be quiet about whatever I choose, but that means I HAVE to hold myself accountable and CHOOSE SOMETHING so I can get out of this limbo standstill and start working towards something finally, finally.

[newagesurvivalist]

We don't really know anything

I read somewhere saying that it is a mystery to "just write". But when you think about it, it really isn't so hard. The hard part is to write cleverly, in the sense that you don't just write random crap, but really realize yourself. The things that occur in this sense are valid, but insane; still, there is a semblance of sensibleness in the contours of obliterating necessity; and so, we do the best we can to secure wisdom. I was thinking today: what turns us into consistent readers of philosophy? Of theory? Well, I suppose theory ain't so difficult: the problem is ideology. I mean, any idiot can read Marx. A sensible idiot he may have to be, but an idiot nonetheless. That doesn't mean we should find reading Marx reproachable. But we must admit that there are tons of ideas in the world that may nourish our independent action: this is why so many people are avid readers of philosophy, in a way. You know, they used to refer to Plato as "The Divine Plato". I woke up the other day thinking of my old supervisor at the callcenter, an Asian-blooded girl, who in my stupor also seemed semi-Divine, or something. I really wanted some kind of psychical-sexual unity with her. We might say we find something divine in the mundane; however, we also find something divine in the things we see all around us, in the things - artless and commonplace, perhaps, unremarkable at best - that define our lives. In the things that are done by the workers of the world, the builders, the executives. You know, Bertrand Russell, that vigorous defender of the work of the mind, said that philosophy was starting with the most implausible propositions and keep reasoning until it seemed eminently plausible. I cherish that statement, because it shows us what makes us like philosophy: but where do we find it? Is there such a thing as a fun philosophy book? Bertrand Russell also said: there is a great pleasure in accrueing lots of useless facts. Any fan of Elder Scrolls lore can confirm that. Imagine, for the sake of argument, reading Immanuel Kant. That just doesn't seem very edifying to me; why, one might also read the Quran: that has at least the promise of an eternal reward. On the contrary, we are stuck in this rat's trap of logic; and Kant certainly seems logical, but how logical exactly?

Schopenhauer, Kant's follower, said that we should stop reading at some point, because it was insipid to cling abjectly to another man's brain. This is a thing that is weirdly reflected in the history of the world. Certainly, we might read the Bible and this may make us happy; certainly, we might write our own Bible somehow - like the Mormons. Or we may simple keep an open mind and appreciate the metaphysical truth inherent in theistic religion: a perennial philosophy. What are words worth? We must be appreciative of Schopenhauer's thought. But is it the only system? Obviously, the true philosopher is not tied to any system, but his professionalism must stem from wisdom, not from mere craft. This is a common grievance I have with philosophers from all around the world. University education should provide us with a good basis for real life, a set of skills that we may use, but in the humanities there are many cabals that send us desperately crashing into performativity. The same could be said I suppose about the sciences. Be that as it may, I had some good teachers at the university. I really learned how to generate knowledge, how to glean dialectic out of screens of text. That is a neat trick, why, it is essential for life in the modern world I'd say - to steer us towards wisdom. Nevertheless, it remains just school. They say education is the best provision for old age; perhaps we can accordingly say that religion is the best provision for equanimity, by which I do not mean peace of mind, but rather a unruffledness and robustness. Why, perhaps a single moment of equanimity is better than a hundred years of vexation. Whatever we see might be intrusive, but obnoxious, but vague: and in the movement of life we observe a tendency to think and to follow, to rumour and to rescind. But we are dreamers of a distinct kind, Lord. Why, we may see many things, but always be strangers in our own country, simply because we do not feel the need to celebrate, which may even do us credit.

The truth is that we can read anything. A good thing, a good project, is certainly history. You can read anything out of a purely historical interest. This is always a sensible outlook. In the totality of science, however, it will be mostly tiresome, just like a career as a classical composer might be; why, we live in a humanistic world divided between money on the one hand and religious/philosophical economics on the other hand. You know, of course, how Wittgenstein staged philosophy as a kind of therapy: why, his angle was in principle that we do philosophy unwillingly, and we'd be better off engaging in less trivial thinking procedures - in which I say the promise of art, academia and politics. I guess this is why I was attracted to History over Philosophy at the university when I went to college. History is more academic than philosophy, although at the academic level I suppose philosophy teaches a highly historical approach to students. Why, I don't even know if I really like to read. Why, I have always been very inclined towards base acquaintance and improvisation, not verily that competent style of life that tries to dazzle the senses of the masses and the peers.

You can read any old random book: it gives you something to do. You could read Confucius, although then you are still pandering to your horrid superstition, or whatever it is. The Chinese philosophers are remarkable for their earnest a priori reasoning. Or is it really a priori? Let me just say that they state many things categorically, which is the reason they are so authoritative in the East (or at least in China). Daoism is there actually something akin to Catholicism. Just like there are many saints in Catholicism, so there are tons of folk superstitions; holy heroes; in Daoism, and people who don't really believe, but are somehow clever enough to generate pious discourse get the furthest: we see that there is something like indulgence too, perhaps, because there is a living sacrificial culture, and people go forth in endless self-flagellating enterprises, which make someone seem more honourable perhaps, but also make him entirely miserable in some clear way. But what I find most Catholic about Daoism is the way in which they exult their religious practice, which is clearly united under the motto of "From remaining silent one does not become wise" which the ancient Vikings said. We talk about the fullness of the Christian religion; in the same way we can talk about the fullness of the Daoistic religion, which is of course in the supposed writings of Zhuangzi, who will supposedly teach one to feel the Dao, as one, say, feels The Force in Star Wars: and verily, Star Wars has done much to internationalize, liberalize Chinese thought in the world. Above all things, though, it is clear that Daoism is in many ways a professional clique of priests, of men who want to make people happy, just like the Catholic priests: why, one might say Protestantism inherits an attitude from Confucianism, in the sense that it seeks to stop saying frivolous, or perhaps one should say baroque, things to placate the masses. Why, we see Daoism as a very individualistic culture, but in practice we see that this is not the case, for people believe that the Daodejing can cure disease and whatnot, why they really explore the limits of people's gullibility, why, it is not the philosophical culture of the Confucians, but we see that there is a constant, mandarinic substrate in these histories, that truly persists in everything and makes one truly recognize the hardness of humanistic culture, which is actually probably why communism became so incredibly strong in China, because all these different religions duke it out for control over the hearts of the men, but in the end it is all postulated on Yin-Yang dualism, and we see that this cannot hold without as Voltaire said taking a side in the metaphysical debate, in the quest for human happiness. However, people want a solution to human suffering and they find this in some ways in the entirely harmless, feckless discipline of priesthood: and this is verily very interesting, but philosophy will always persist more saliently in the human breast, simply because philosophy always supports the status quo more aggressively, which is why most men are in fact philosophers rather than spirituals; why, we see that people really do like to read et cetera, but ah, they are stuck in repetition and childish ways and it just doesn't make sense: why, it is not the priests who rule over the spiritual lives of the people, but rather the intellectuals, but there are no intellectuals, only authorities, senators. Policemen. Why, it is a scary world. However, a wise man once spoke, indeed, about the Will-to-power. God is one.

[vergess]

i'm curious: what languages do you speak? and if you're learning any, which ones and why, and if you aren't which ones would you like to learn.

see i'd REALLY like to learn basque because i love the culture but holy shit is it a difficult language.

I speak English and French. I can read Spanish, but trying to listen to it makes my brain fry out because "this is not NOT french????"

And yes, this does mean I read Spanish with a "french accent" in my head. @capribornio in my head sounds vaguely like my dad at this point.

I'm slowly digging my way into American Sign and Welsh. Welsh in particular has been easier than I expected: all the letters only have one sound! It makes processing the accent so simple!!!

Sign has been... strange.

I suffer from aphasia, but it's much harder for my brain to mix up gestures than words. Which, logically, I knew was the case. It's why they teach sign to so many neurodivergent kids with speech disorders. But somehow I didn't expect the vocabulary to work in my head. Vocab is where I always struggle the most with language learning!

Also the syntax is broadly more forgiving than a lot of verbal languages.

So, it's very difficult in the sense that I have motor control problems, a flat affect, and so much pain that posture is almost impossible. But in an intellectual sense... IDK, something about "start with the keyword, then the subject-verb pair, then whatever detail work" makes sense to me. It matches how I think, which is... fascinating!!!!

As far as Basque... God, lol, your ambition far outstrips my own! I have enough trouble with artificial languages, let alone natural isolates!!!!

[the-avengers-ate-my-tongue]

The Storm

Summary: You work with Jack Crawford and Alana is your cousin, both of you live together for a long time. She gets caught up with a flat tire far away and asks you to let Will in, for he's expecting her. A storm is coming, and she keeps taking longer and longer to show up. Will the universe conspire in your favor?

Pairing: Will Graham x reader

Warnings: swearing, insinuation of smut, fluff.

Word count: 4.328

A/n: I'm starting to consider changing this tumblr for a Hannibal one, mostly Will Graham, so some requests from other fandoms would be nice haha hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing ♥️

*not my gif

There wasn't a thing such as a boring day at the BAU. 

At least not when you're part of Jack Crawford's crew. There was always an interesting case to focus on, a disfigured body to study the reason of death, it was always a thrilling hunt for evidence. The best experience I've ever had so far in my career, and I could only thank my cousin Alana for putting me on the Guru's radar. I was a great crime scene investigator, albeit a little younger than people gave me credit for. I taught people not to underestimate me over the years, though. I got here by my own effort, being a tenacious, hard-working woman who wouldn't get a no for an answer. 

I got along well with my crewmates, Beverly Katz, Brian Zeller and Jimmy Price, though our relationship hardly extended for life outside work. Except for Beverly, we went out for a couple of beers sometimes, she was fun, witty and I really liked our conversations. Jack was the big boss, and that was it. I had a lot of respect for him, and I knew he didn't regret bringing me to his team, I could see it in his eyes in the first case I've got. I was very cunning when I shared my insights about the cases, sometimes I saw things no one else could, no one but…

Of course, I was far, far away from being a Will Graham. But ever since I was younger, I've had this sort of intuition that helped me to solve problems, I would solve riddles easily and when people asked me how I got to the answer, I wouldn't know the steps, I just knew deep in my bones I was right. That happened a lot when I was growing up and was even stronger now that I knew how to use it. It was some artifice of my inconscient, something I could always count on. It included everything in my life, math, logical thinking, riddles. My brain picked things I couldn't perceive clearly, bringing them to the clear waters of my conscience. 

Will Graham was a curious man. He intrigued me from the very first moment I saw him at the house of one of the last victims of The Minnesota Shrike, Garret Jacob Hobbs, now dead. He was practically hiding in a corner, his eyes closed behind the lens of his glasses, dark wavy hair, jawline for days. He seemed highly focused until Beverly started to talk to him, pulling him out of his daze. He could barely look at her, or at me, and although he looked socially awkward and troubled, he still managed to look like a daydream. I studied every inch of his face, lowering my gaze when he seemed to get uncomfortable, after smiling lightly. I was a bit shy myself. I lived with Alana and, when I got home that night, I absentmindedly asked her about that curious handsome man who seemed to be out of place, yet so connected to that scene. She started to talk about him, but stopped once she noticed my interest. Then, she told me he was a very unstable person, that she wouldn't even be alone in the room with him because of her professional curiosity. As time passed and he solved more and more cases, I could see how people looked at him like an attraction of the zoo. However, not me, and later, not Beverly. Brian didn't seem to like him very much, I could see. Envy, perhaps? Nevertheless, the more I saw Will, the more intrigued I got. He avoided eye contact like the plague, but as I was always friendly and tried my best to treat him like a normal person, not focusing only on work, dead bodies and serial killers, I saw more of those beautiful blue eyes. He knew I was Alana's cousin, and I sooner realized he had a fling for her. 

And boy, did that break my silly little heart. I wasn't surprised, though. Who could blame him? Alana was amazing. I never felt resentful for that, but as time passed, I started to detach from the idea of Will being somewhat more than a simple acquaintance. That afternoon, I was going home from work when I got a call from Alana.

"Speak fast, I'm driving." I said, keeping one hand on the wheel and the other holding my phone.

"You're going home? Great. I invited Will so we could talk about a profile I'm building, but I got caught up here. I already spoke to him, he's almost there, can you let him in? He said he'll wait, and I'll be home in about fifty minutes, no more than that, hopefully." She said in a hurry, and I felt my cheeks burn a little. Will and me? Home alone? 

"I…" I hesitated, chewing my bottom lip nervously. "You won't be long, right? Heard on the radio there’s a storm for later."

"I won't, promise. Just let him in, he's already aware I'll take a little longer to be there. See you soon. Thanks, Y/n!" She hung up, not leaving me any time to answer. I put the phone down, still chewing on my bottom lip. I could feel excitement rising on my stomach, making me feel slightly nauseated, and noticed my hands starting to sweat.

Please. That was ridiculous. What was I, a teenager? I was a grown-up, well-succeeded woman, for God's sake. I rubbed my hands on my jeans, driving a little faster than I usually did almost unconsciously. I got home after twenty minutes, parking outside the pretty house. Will was already there, leaning against his car, so lost in his thoughts he barely noticed I'd arrived. I looked at my reflection at the mirror hurriedly, fixing my hair, pinching my cheeks to look less pale, brushing my eyebrows with my fingers to make them look neat. I wasn't even wearing any lipstick today. It had been a long day at work. 

I opened the car door, exiting the vehicle, the noise from shutting the door finally bringing him out of his daze, and he finally seemed to notice me. He smiled lightly, lowering his eyes. He had his glasses on, but as soon as he saw me, he took them off, hanging them on his shirt.

"Hey, Will. I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long. There was a little bit of traffic." I justified, walking to the porch and waiting for him to follow me. 

"Y/n. Not at all, I just got here. Alana explained what happened, thanks for coming to let me in. Hope I didn't ruin any appointment you may have had." He waited until I unlocked the door, and we finally were engulfed with the warm air of the heater.

"Nope, I was coming home, no appointments lost. Please, come in. I'm not sure you've ever been here before, but make yourself home." I hung my trench coat, sighing with the pleasure of being home. I loved the atmosphere of that place. "Can I get you anything? Water, soda, beer…"

"Thank you. I'm fine. And no, I haven't been here before." I held back the temptation of saying "good", biting my bottom lip as I watched him sit on the couch. I just stood there for a while, not sure of what to do next. 

He frowned a little, probably thinking why I was acting so weird, and that made me nervous, because it was just an easy step to realize my silly crush on him. Did he know? What if Alana said something? Said something? For fuck's sake, he was Will Graham, he could probably see that written across my stupid face! Shit, he knows. I'm making a fool of myself. Why do I even…

"Is everything okay?" His voice startled me a little, pulling me out of my neurotic breakdown, and I wondered how my facial expressions looked. Was I blinking only one eye like the stereotyped madness of cartoons? I certainly didn't look normal. I cleared my throat, laughing lightly.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I'm not really used to having people over anymore. I've been working a lot lately. People are dying like flies." I sat on the armchair in front of him, sighing. 

"What we do can be overwhelming sometimes. What we see every day. It just… stains you." He said, with a dark look on his serious eyes. 

I nodded. I felt that way sometimes, but I was used to it. I stopped feeling that sense of inadequacy on my chest years ago. 

"I guess you just begin to cope with it, though. Our brain adapts to that harsh reality. But it's always nice to vent somehow. What do you do in your free time?" I asked, wondering if I was getting too personal. Did I sound like I was probing to ask him out?  I felt my face getting warm. Damn it.

Either he didn't realize, or he was just too chivalrous to point, but he didn't mention anything.

"I fish." He said, simply. I nodded with a light smile.

"And you play with your doggies." I pointed, smiling wider. I loved dogs. He'd mentioned them before, so I just brought the subject up, trying to shift the attention from me to them. Will smiled back, his eyes with a subtle glow. He really loved them, and that was so sweet. "Fishing sounds nice. Unfortunately, I could never. I'm too restless. I'd probably startle all the fish and wouldn't catch anything."

He laughed, and that was the first time I ever heard that sound coming out of him. I felt like I was someone deaf that was able to hear the sound of Mozart's symphonies for the first time, and I just knew. There was never detachment from the idea of Will being more than an acquaintance. It was tackled down inside my brain somewhere, for the brain tends to adapt to harsh realities, but it was still there, just waiting for some incentive. 

"It's just a matter of training, getting used to it. I could teach you someday… if you want." He blinked a few times, as if he was surprised with his own boldness, smiling lightly. "And you? What do you do to vent?" He asked, seeming genuinely interested.

"Well, I read a lot. Maybe I could read by the riverside while I watch you fish." I said, shrugging with a subtle smile.

"It's a date, then?" Will inquired, making me mortified. Caught me by total surprise, and when I was about to say something, my phone rang.

"Excuse me." I answered the phone. It was Alana. "Hey. We're already here waiting for you."

Not that I wanted her to arrive any time sooner, but she didn't have to know that.

"You won't believe me; I've got a flat tire. There's a guy helping me out, I was lucky, I'm in the middle of nowhere. But I'll get there in about fifty more minutes, more or less. Can you put Will on the phone? I'll explain everything to him."

"Do you need one of us to pick you up? I'm sure he wouldn't mind, I wouldn't…"

"No, he's almost done. Thank you. Let me talk to Will, I'll be there soon. The storm is about to catch me, I wanna hurry."

I sighed, grimacing at him. 

"She wants to talk to you." I passed him the phone, studying his expressions while he talked to her. As I looked at the window, I could see the dark clouds gathering up, making the end of the afternoon murky. The storm was about to hit hard. I could see a few thin drops of rain starting to wet the glass.

"I can stay a little longer, no problem. I'm being well attended." He traded looks with me, biting his lip slightly. "Okay. I'll see you soon, Alana."

He gave me the phone, but Alana was already gone. I put it on the coffee table, getting up.

"I think I'll pour myself some wine. Do you want some?" I asked politely. "It's one of the fanciest ones; Hannibal gave us a bottle when we dined at his house a few days ago."

"Yes. Thank you." He waited for me to come back with the beverages, and I did my best not to spill anything, sitting on the couch beside him while I gave him the glass. "So you're acquainted with Dr. Lecter?"

"Oh yeah, he's an old friend of Alana's, sometimes he invites us to dinner. He cooks the best meals I've ever had in my entire life, so I don't exactly decline the invitations. And he's one of the most brilliant people I've ever met, so it's always interesting." I took a sip of the crimson liquid, moaning low in pleasure. Good wine. I preferred a good cup of hot oolong, but it was impossible not to appreciate the quality of that drink. 

A few glasses after and a lot of talks about dogs, fishing and other hobbies, he finally felt safe to bring back the topic. The rain had started really pouring, the now thicker drops hitting the windows loudly. Alana hadn't called again. It was nighttime now, the sky seeming to be darker than usual. I was low-key worried about her, but the conversation was too great to interrupt. She was a good driver. She would be just fine. 

"I've been seeing Hannibal Lecter in his office. Not exactly his patient, though. A courtesy of Jack Crawford to keep an eye on the coping of my brain functions." He sounded a bit bitter, drinking a few sips of his wine.

I could see he didn't like therapy. Must be hard with someone with a mind like his.

"You know, sometimes, Alana psychoanalyses me. Like, she doesn't even notice. It's cute, but sometimes it creeps me out." 

"She has a professional curiosity about me, but she's too polite and considerate to let it slip out. We've never even been alone in the same room together."

I held back a bitter comment, not wanting to talk shit about my cousin, but he saw it right through me. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to put you in a complicated position."

"I know. You're sweet." The word slipped through my tongue before I could contain it. Will blinked a few times, seeming surprised, and I felt my cheeks burn, starting to stutter. "I meant… I'm sorry, did I make you uncomfortable?"

"No, no. It's just… no one's ever called me that before." It was my time to get surprised. He didn't seem to be complimented much, and that just made me flabbergasted. I couldn't be the only one who saw how fantastic Will was.

"... Ah. Well, some people are just shy. I'm shy as hell, don't even know how I had the nerve to say that, it's probably the wine starting to kick in. Hope I really didn't make you uncomfortable, though. Don't need to be polite, it's okay to tell me."

"Actually, I'm curious to know what else you think of me. I sense it's not the only word you have to define me." He sounded bolder, and his eyes were on mine, giving me shivers down my spine. 

"Well… I think you're too exceptional to be defined with a few words. You're… Kind, brilliant… I see how seeing what you see, doing what you do, how it wrecks you sometimes, and you just keep doing it because you're saving lives. That's so selfless, Will. That's…" I was going to say more, but at that very moment, a loud thunder just made the house practically tremble, and I let out a real inelegant weep, coming closer to Will and holding his arm firmly, my fingers grabbing on the fabric of his shirt. He could've thought it was an artifice to get closer to him, but he could see how frightened I was, trembling like a cornered wild little beast. I hated thunders, fireworks, anything loud. Feeling ridiculous, I released his shirt, apologizing with embarrassment.

"It's okay. It's just noise. I'm here." He put some of my hair that had fallen to my face behind my ear with such a tenderness that I felt my stomach twitch, realizing suddenly how close we were. He was looking at me as if it was the first time he was actually seeing me. 

The phone rang again. Alana! I grabbed it from the coffee table, turning to face Will. He wasn't avoiding eye contact anymore, his pupils were dilated. My breathing was accelerated, and I knew it had little to do with the thunder.

"Lana, is everything okay?" I asked with genuine concern. "Are you close?"

"Ah, Y/n. I'm so sorry. I don't think I'll make it in time, I'm driving slow, the roads are slippery because of the storm and it's pretty foggy. I'll stop at a motel and spend the night, or at least wait for the storm to pass. I'm so furious with myself!"

"It's okay cuz, do what's safer for you. I'm sure Will will understand. I'll pass him the phone." I gave him the phone and he talked to Alana for a few minutes, but I wasn't listening. She'd ruined the moment unintentionally, and now he was probably going home. When would I have an opportunity like that again? 

"Okay. Don't worry. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye, Alana. Take care." He gave me the phone and I put it on the coffee table again. Before any of us could say anything, another thunder cracked the sky, and this time, Will held me so I wouldn't be afraid. The lights went out, and he held me against his chest protectively, making me smell his aftershave and some perfume. He smelled so good. For a moment, I just stood there in his arms, feeling his warmth, his breath, the steady beats of his heart. 

I moved away just a little to see his face, very close to mine, but it was so dark I could only see shadows. A lightning lit up the room and, just for a little moment, I could see his gorgeous eyes staring at me. After a soft touch of his thumb on my lips, he finally kissed me, so gentle, like I could break as fine china with any rougher move. I touched his neck with both my hands, playing with his hair, feeling how soft they were. He pulled me closer, his hands on my waist, and the kiss started to get deeper, voracious, as if we were hungry for each other. Maybe the wine was helping to raise the lust; all I know is that I've wanted that to happen for a long time. Will's kiss was everything I imagined it would be, but entirely different at the same time. All I could say was that he was great at it. His hands traveled through my body, and I grabbed his hair, pulling it slightly. That made a low growl echo through his chest, and I started to feel my body fervent as a bonfire.

I couldn't say much because I was breathless and I didn't want to stop what we were doing, so a single word left my lips as I kept my forehead on his.

"Stay."

Will bit his lip, kissing me again, and that was all the answer I needed.

xx 

Morning. Thin sunrays illuminated my bedroom floor through the curtains, waking me up. The storm was gone. I haven't had a nice night of sleep like that in ages. I looked at the other side of my bed and there was Will, sleeping heavily. It wasn't a dream, after all. Last night really happened. I smiled, staring at the roof with disbelief in my eyes.

I stared at him for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. Should I just let him sleep? He looked so heavenly, his hair was messy, his breathing steady, he seemed so less troubled than he usually was. I touched his hair lightly, caressing it with tenderness, and he started to move. I could see his neck, and a few hickies we marked on his albescent skin. That made me blush a little bit, and I laughed silently. 

He opened his eyes while I still touched his hair, but I didn't stop, and he didn't seem to want me to. We stared at each other in silence for a few moments, and he smiled, a different smile than the usual ones he gave me.

"Hi." He said, pulling me closer by my waist, stroking the skin under the sheets. I pecked him on the lips, then kissing his forehead, his cheek, his jawline. 

"Hey there. Good morning. I'm starving, are you having breakfast with me?"

"Actually, I gotta go home. Feed the dogs." He said, stroking my nude shoulder with his finger.

"Of course. Your dogs. I won't keep you then, poor babies must be so hungry." I kissed his cheek and was about to get up when he pulled me again, gently kissing my lips. I smiled, probably looking like an idiot. A joyful idiot. "I'll let you get dressed. I'll be in the kitchen."

I dressed up in my long and black robe, smiling at him before I left the room, going to the kitchen, where I started to make some french toasts. After a few minutes, I heard the front door open, and an exhausted Alana came in, her hair frizzy and her coat looking still a bit wet.

"Oh, Lana! Go change, you'll get a cold!" I stopped what I was doing, going to her and helping to take off her coat.

"That storm was a nightmare. I swear I won't ignore the warnings ever again. I'm so sorry, I had no idea it would get this bad, yesterday was one of those days where everything just goes wrong. Hope Will arrived well at home, did he seem disappointed or annoyed before he left? I was so inconvenient…"

I didn't even have time to answer, because Will opened my bedroom door, coming out while buttoning his shirt, suddenly realizing Alana was there.

"Oh." Alana said, looking so flabbergasted I almost laughed at her. Will rose his eyebrows at the sight of her, seeming a bit unsure of what to do or say. I wasn't planning for her to find out like this, it was a bit early, I wasn't expecting her to arrive so soon. "Hi, Will."

"Alana. Hi." He avoided looking at her, staring at me, and his eyes immediately softened. I smiled, he smiled back, and that was it, Alana was forgotten.

"Off you go to feed your children." I joked, biting my bottom lip. "I guess I'll see you later, then."

"Definitely." He simply said, kissing my forehead while caressing my hair, certainly a little embarrassed to kiss me in front of Alana. "See you later, Y/n. Bye, Alana."

"Bye, Will." I waved with a soft smile, and he grabbed his jacket, leaving the house.

My smile grew larger and I left my head fall back, squeaking low in commemoration. What a night! What a morning! I never thought I would thank a storm so much, let alone a bloody thunder.

Before Alana could say anything, I realized Will had left his glasses at the coffee table, and I picked it up in a hurry, bursting through the front door and calling him before he left, waving in front of the car.

"You forgot your glasses!" I said, and he opened the car windows, raising his hand to pick them.

I leaned against the car window, putting the glasses on him, and kissing his lips fiercely. He moaned in surprise, holding my face to deepen the kiss. After a moment, I pulled away, appreciating the view of his lips so reddish. 

"Go back inside, it's cold." He said with a cheeky smile, and before I could say he actually made me hotter, he took off with the car.

I went back inside, where Alana was waiting for me with her arms crossed. 

"What the hell did you do to Will Graham?" She asked, sounding severe, but a smile was trying to escape her lips "I mean, besides trying to suck his soul with your mouth a few moments ago."

"Oh, shut up!" I laughed, blushing violently. "You made that happen, you know? Thank you. Was that a set up or did the universe actually conspire in my favor?"

"I wish I'd planned this. That would mean I would've had a plan b and I wouldn't have stayed at that disgusting mote… Y/n, you're full of hickies, I can't believe you!"

"You're starting to sound like my mom, Lana. I'm gonna wear a turtleneck, don't worry, I don't want Beverly all over me like a bloodhound and Brian and Jimmy's witty comments today. In fact, keep it to yourself, okay? Will's discreet. I won't even tell Beverly, if she finds out, the whole bureau will know, hell, maybe even Freddie Lounds."

"I told you to let it go, Y/n. Will's very unstable right now. I… I only want what's best for you." She said with concern in her bright blue eyes. I sighed, walking to her and kissing her cheek with affection.

"You're a good cousin. But I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself, okay? Unless this isn't only about me, unless it concerns something else." I raised an eyebrow while staring at her, more confident that I've ever been. "Is there something you wanna tell me?"

She hesitated, clenching her jaw, but never spoke. 

I smiled, tapping her cheek very lightly in approval.

"I gotta get ready to work. Wanna grab lunch with me later?" I asked in a casual tone, a cynical smile on my face. She shrugged. "See you later then, cuz."

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 31

First time reader click here

it's a mental breakdown *off-key kazoo*. One (1) incident of physical abuse from a parent. And Stephen Strange arc begins opening. Kind of angsty, but more of a filler chapter to resolve the parents-suck thing.

A couple of days was all it took for me to get back on my feet... Figuratively speaking. Neither Bruce nor Tony was particularly excited about me being up and about, I was carried to my desired destination point by one or the other on most occasions. Physically, my body grew tired very easily - I took a lot of sporadic naps throughout the day, more often than not falling asleep in someone's arms. Nobody minded, really - even Loki, who wasn't a touchy-feely person by any means, relented and acted as a body pillow for me when we crashed on the common room couch to catch up with the TV show episodes I'd missed.

Tony was very obviously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. During the few hours I had spent being chased by the Cursed Box Demon in my nightmares, all the leads towards the contractor proved to be cold. Natasha was the most irritated of them all - a late-night talk with Clint through the vent above my room revealed that she took it as a personal insult, unprepared for a simple merc to be so good at evading the world's most notorious spy.

Hulk kept taking over Bruce's body - eyes shining fluorescent green - at the times we were together, periodically clutching me to his chest with clumsy but careful movements. I pitied the mercenary should he encounter my gentle scientist - I didn't think Bruce would even attempt to hold back Mean Green. They seemed to have achieved some sort of symbiosis those days, switching between the two personalities in one body almost effortlessly. Circumstances aside, I was very happy that the tension and the persistent internal conflict inside Bruce had almost disappeared.

What made me upset was Strange. The sorcerer was behaving, well, strangely. He began avoiding all of us - his excuses of helping the search for the merc were flimsy, and Wong's long, deep sigh, when asked about the sorcerer's state of mind, spoke volumes. I suspected Stephen was either seething with anger or drowning himself in the sea of guilt; I had a hunch he was similar to Tony in a way that he hid his vulnerability behind an impenetrable wall of malice and sarcasm and dry wit.

Perhaps I was wrong. But the pent up frustration resulting from the conflict between my overactive brain and my uncooperative body had to blow - and my mother was the fire to my already short fuse. Somehow, she got ahold of the information that I was hurt indirectly because of the actions of the Avengers - and she had called the first available phone she found, which meant Pepper Potts got an earful of vitriol regarding Stark Industries, SHIELD, Tony, and everyone else, including my father. Stoic as she was, Pepper took it all with grace, replying politely to my mother until she hung up on the redhead.

Pepper placed an urgent call to Coulson immediately after that, making the already uncomfortable situation spiral into something truly disgraceful. It ended with strict orders for me to return home - not that anyone besides me and Coulson knew about it. I was a legal adult, I could choose to stay in the tower and my mother was told so on numerous occasions... Knowing her, I was well aware she wouldn't be above storming Tony's home with a small army of her lawyer friends.

Inwardly seething, melting with the anger sitting in the pit of my stomach like a sharp piece of ice, I managed to convince Tony to have Happy escort me home at the guise of gathering more necessities. Tony, being Tony, offered me to buy anything and everything I needed, but relented under my puppy-eyed pleading. It was getting harder and harder to lie to any of my men, the weight of it settling unpleasantly bitter on top of my already foul mood.

Happy grumbled in displeasure at being tailed by a nondescript black SUV - I knew SHIELD would have eyes on me 24/7 now, at least until they catch the rogue mercenary - but seemed to be happy at my general state of relative wellness in his own... Happy... way. Five-second side-grin and "Glad you're up and about, Princess," was probably the most I was going to get from the man who's nickname contradicted his personality. In my humble opinion, he should've been called Brick instead. He was built like a shit house, too.

The moment I stepped into the living room, wearing Wanda's spare sweats and Tony's hoodie, I took a slow look around the room and immediately knew this was it. Most of my anger had receded, courtesy of finally being able to get out of the tower and do something, but the ice in my stomach persisted. The smell of whiskey and cigarettes hit me like a wall, news playing on the TV doing very little to dissolve the viscid, tense silence.

"Sit down," My mother instructed me in the tone of voice she used on people in the courtroom - convicts, people who knowingly broke NDAs.

"I don't think so," I replied, refusing to give in to her bullying. I was being absolutely reckless, I knew it, and still it didn't stop me from standing up for my men. Logically speaking, it could have happened to me anyway, Avengers or not. The cursed box came along long before I'd even met Peter Parker or any of his rag-tag superhero friends.

"Fine," She turned around, steely eyes leveled on me. I was but a speck of dirt under her nails - for the first time in my life, I felt terrified of my mother. I knew what she was capable of. "Listen well, daughter of mine. I'm going to only repeat myself once," She started in that deceptively calm tone of hers. "You are to stop mingling with Stark and his... Company. Immediately. I do not want to hear any more of that Parker boy, either. You will not destroy your future and our family's legacy over some fling with a man twice your age. This little game has gone long enough and it's time for you to get back to reality."

The more she spoke, the higher my eyebrows rose. I was supposed to take orders from my own mother now? Something thin, something thin and crackling with electricity within me just snapped - like a live wire. The hairs on my nape stood up, goosebumps appearing all over my skin. "And what if I do not?" I asked, just as quietly.

I was not prepared for her reaction. One second, she was sitting on the couch and the other - my cheek was burning and my mother was standing over me, breathing the stench of alcohol and tobacco right in my face. I saw the whites of her eyes. "Then you are no daughter of mine. I did not raise you to be someone's cumrag and all this play-pretend scientist shit had to have ended in middle school. I hoped you'd grow up but apparently, you insist on being a baby," She was full-on screaming in my face, so rabid she was shaking.

All I could think of was... How wrong she was. How wrong she would be, her sad little world broken when she finds out just exactly how much I'm capable of. Long gone were the days where I timidly questioned my scientific contributions; thanks to my men - the same men she'd hated so much - I knew my value. I knew I could achieve the things that I wanted.

"If that is your choice, you have thirty minutes to get your shit and get lost. I will not have a whore of a daughter living under my roof," I had missed a good part of her rant; most likely, it consisted of nothing but meaningless insults anyway. After she'd finished, she gave me a shove towards the stairs.

It didn't bother me as much as it should, I think. My cheek smarted and somewhere deep inside, I knew that the eerie calm that had settled over me wasn't normal - on the surface, I felt only relief. The things I suspected all along, finally came to light - she didn't even perceive me as a human being, I was no more than a means to her end. A tool. A thing.

The waterworks started when I frantically shoved most of the shit I could fit in my three suitcases. Upset as I was, my scatterbrain did me a favor that time and I gathered most of the important things. Notebooks full of my research - projects that my mother had called a child's game, projects that could be patented in a week, add a tweak or two. With sudden clarity, I realized I needed none of her money. None of her... At all. In short, I was emotionally all over the place and at the end of it... None of it made sense.

I threw the credit cards with her name on them on the coffee table as I hauled out my suitcases, not sparing the bitch a glance. She was equally quiet, boring into my back with those steely eyes of hers. I felt my skin peel under her stare. In my distraught state, hauling and dumping the suitcases in my car was quick work. Detaching the house key and tossing the last things that connected me to her house on the floor at her feet was a spur of the moment decision; my mother was right, to some extent, and I still had childish tendencies. "You had no right to call yourself my mother in the first place. All you were was an egg donor with more money than you could make sense of. Enjoy your hoard, you damned dragon," I seethed, seeing her frozen in place with her arms crossed and chin held high.

Some part of me hoped she would apologize. That naïve, childish part - I knew my mother and I knew myself, and the trait that we shared was stubbornness. I sped out of the estate without ever looking back, driving aimlessly for a while until the honking coming from drivers around me began reaching alarming levels of volume; tears began flowing down my face at some point, all but obscuring my vision. I parked in the nearest place I could find, in front of a Waffle House out of all places.

Crying in a Waffle House parking lot, how pathetic was that. Logically, I knew at least five people had my back: Tony and Bruce, who surprisingly loved me back; Loki, who had become strangely clingy after my declaration - clingy in the best way. Together with Wanda and Peter, they made my heart warm and my eternally racing brain feel calm and safe.

I called my dad, he didn't pick up. I don't know what I expected of the man, but any and all remnants of my respect for him shattered, breaking into tiny little pieces as I helplessly banged my fists against the steering wheel in a fit of desperate rage. One look in the mirror and my already ashen complexion was made worse by red, puffy eyes and the blooming bruise on my cheek where my mother had slapped me. It was the first time she'd laid a hand on me; I wanted to throw up.

I sat in the car until my breathing slowed; completely and utterly clueless as to what to do. I had no home of my own, three suitcases worth of clothes and research that was useless without a lab to run experiments in, my car, and a small trust fund in my name. The recent incident with the curse box had left me mentally drained as it was, now, I could surely say that my head was empty: no thoughts.

And throughout it all, Stephen's avoidance crossed my mind. As if the self-loathing wasn't enough, as if my own blood, the people who were supposed to care for me, rejecting and ignoring me wasn't strong enough of a blow... The sorcerer's avoidance raised more anger within me. I didn't know why but the thought of him made me want to cry and seethe once again.

Logic gone out of the window, I typed in the Sanctum's address into my GPS with shaking fingers, figuring that if he wasn't willing to do the legwork, I will come to him myself and clarify things for all at once. The mixed signals were just a cherry on top of my sky-high problem sundae.

I banged on the door and it flew open immediately, a surprised sorcerer quickly turning concerned and panicky, noticing my general state of appearance. I was still wearing the same clothes and my hair was in disarray, my face looking somewhere between a coke bender and a manic episode.

"You," I stated darkly, taking a deep breath. "You need to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and reject me, so I can move on already. And you," I poked the man in the chest, right above the fancy eye-shaped necklace, "Need to stop it with the mixed signals. Stop wallowing in self-pity. Whatever you are doing, STOP IT," My voice involuntarily raised in pitch from all those emotional rollercoasters I've been on that day. "Get back to being normal. Let me fucking live," I finished my tirade as the man stared at me, frozen and open-mouthed.

"I..." He stammered, eyeing me with concern. "What in the multiverse happened to you? What..?" He was so confused, pulling out his phone the moment I bailed my fists.

"My mother threw me out, my father doesn't give a fuck about me, apparently I'm a cheap whore with delusions of grandeur. You're avoiding me and everybody is waiting for me to blow up," I screeched, all but vibrating in my spot. "This is me blowing up. I want answers!" I demanded.

Strange recoiled from me, frowning and pocketing his phone. A deep sigh left him, the kind that made his whole body sag. He ran a careful hand through his hair before looking away and slowly pulling me against his chest, the door shutting behind me and keeping the cold out. I hadn't even noticed I was freezing; my feet were wet from the NYC winter slush and mud.

Stephen's embrace was warm and tender; I wanted to lean into it and push him away at the same time. I was so messed up, it was embarrassing. There was nothing acceptable about this situation - I felt guilty as soon as his face fell.

"Jesus Christ, baby," He mumbled quietly. "Sounds like you had one hell of a day. Let's go, I'll put on some tea," He rubbed soothing circles on my back, something that confused me - I just had stormed in and dumped a bucket of bile right on top of his head.

"I should go," I mumbled, yet had no real strength to move away from him.

"You're not going anywhere. I suppose I need to explain myself, too," He sighed, and despite his obvious discomfort, picked me up, letting my limbs to wrap around his torso like a monkey. I was careful to keep my weight off his hands, even if the trip to the fireplace room was short. As soon as I was placed onto the couch and my shoes were removed, Cloaky drifted over from a dark corner, urging me to take off my soggy hoodie, and wrapped itself tightly around me.

Turns out, semi-sentient cloaks were quite warm.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95

[tolerateit]

Hello bestie I'm having a bit of a struggle today, do you have any advice on overcoming fear of failure/making mistakes? It's a pretty immobilizing fear I've realized a few months ago I've had since forever due to childhood trauma, but I really wanna work through it and not freeze in the face of everything that could ever possibly go wrong possibly going wrong because I have a crazy imagination. some days it gets so bad (like today) that I have pretty sad breakdowns thinking about never amounting to anything I want to achieve because of perceived "I'm not good enough to do that" ideas and everyone I'm close to leaving me because I might be making mistakes I'm not even aware I'm making and for some imaginary reason those people aren't telling me I'm making mistakes (part of my imagining that is due to childhood trauma but the people I'm close to these days always tell me when I mess something up because they want me to do better, so it doesn't completely make sense except in the spur of the moment). I'd say it's a bit of a logical brain vs monkey brain and everything described tends to happen when my monkey brain decides to take over and I'm not sure how to stop that train of thought. Anyway, I figured I'd ask a psych girlie for any good tips if you might have them. Thank youuu <3

im so sorry you've been feeling this way rn, what works for me is a) forcing myself to do the task (depends on the task, for example - i sign myself up for events im hesitant to participate in, or set deadlines/break down the job into doable and manageable tasks so it doesn't seem as daunting) and b) procrastinating until i absolutely cannot avoid the task if it's something you have to do at all costs - the panic of not being able to finish it on time will push your doubts away temporarily

you could also act before giving yourself time to think about it, let's say somebody has asked you it you'd give a presentation on a topic at your workplace/in class next week. if you give yourself 5+ minutes to think about it chances are you'll back out and deny the request, so once you figure out if you know the topic and have a free schedule next week just say yes! you will worry about the presentation later, but you will go through it somehow. it can be difficult and i wouldn't suggest you do that if it triggers you but you can start with lighter tasks just to see if this works out for you

[cannot-decide-on-a-fandom]

go off on bnha i'd love to hear

Oh boy this'll either be...very fun or I'm gonna screw myself over. Either way, thanks for giving me this opportunity

For me, bnha is very interesting because it's a show I probably have more problems with than things I like....but I can't help but keep wanting to read the manga. It's a series that doesn't have the same rewatchability value to me as it probably does to many people.

I'm gonna talk about all of this more in a Jump video I'm making now that I have time, but basically it's a series where I'm interested enough to keep up with it, but once I know what happens, I've never felt the need to revisit it.

What my hero academia does poorly in my opinion, is that while I love the messages it's attempting to convey, Deku's character kinda innately counters all of them.

Take the idea about who you are not being determined by your birth (in this case, your quirk). I love that. I think Shinsou is a great character and I love how he's set on being a hero, not just to prove to everyone he can be, but also because he genuinely wants it.

But then there's Deku, who basically proves the complete opposite. He was only able to achieve what he wanted after being granted the ideal ability. I'm on the side that it'd have been a lot better to keep Deku as his prototype, someone who builds gadgets and uses his brains to get through, but the way he's actually written confuses the entire narrative of the story. We are constantly told that your birth and quirk doesn't dictate anything, we had that with Shinsou, with Kirishima, with Mirio even, then there's the villains (I'm not that keen on the villains honestly but that's a whole other can of worms) who are meant to show that society is who shapes them to be villains, not their quirks. But then why do we get the exact opposite message with our protagonist, that his birth really did dictate his options and only once he was granted an ability could he do anything? It would have been so much more interesting if the theme of "nurture is what matters, not natural ability" would have been carried through, with giving him teachers and a loving family, like the show did, but not grant him the greatest quirk in the world. This is the least controversial opinion about him I have, though.

But one thing I rarely see talked about is the lack of understanding of the differences in types of hard work. See, there's a MASSIVE difference between "I'll work hard because I want to achieve something, even if it might not work out in the end" and "I'll work hard because there's a guaranteed prize at the end if only I do that." Is Deku hard working? Yeah. However the entire start of his journey, what people often point to when trying to show that, is based on flawed logic.

Take a character like Emma from The Promised Neverland. The entire time she's trying to do something, even she herself doubts how it could be done, as well as constantly being told it can't and that it's stupid. Or Asta from Black Clover. Everyone basically guaranteed he WON'T manage what he desired.

Both of those characters either had negative or neutral reassurances, no promise of success no matter how hard they worked. But they still pushed. They still didn't give up and tried because of how much that goal meant to them. Emma desperately wanted to save everyone, no matter how hard that seemed, and Asta fought for his dream even with almost everyone saying it was literally not possible.

Deku worked hard to clean the beach, sure. But he was already promised a quirk if he just did that. It's a hell of a lot easier to motivate yourself KNOWING there's something great waiting for you, than it is with it being a mystery. There's a big difference between "working hard is the only way to achieve this, even though it's not a sure thing even then" and "it's a fact that if I do this I'll get what I want".

Other than that, what really, really bothers me about MHA, is the fact that pretty much everything, not even in the narrative but in the actual universe, seems to somehow relate back to Midoriya.

Look at Bakugo's rescue, for example. The group that went to save him contained his best friend. The best friend who the entire plan ended up hinging on. There was such a big deal made out of the fact that it could only be Kirishima to reach out, that Bakugo would only respond to him.

So...

Why the hell did it have to be Deku to actually point that out? I understand he's smart and he knew Katsuki the longest. But the entire point of that scene was how important Kirishima was to him! And though Eijirou isn't the smartest academically, he's not emotionally dense like that. It wouldn't have been incredibly out of character for him to suggest that maybe he should try calling out to him. He wanted to save him so bad, he probably would have if the story flowed logically.

But the series simply could not allow a character not called Midoriya to have development not caused by Midoriya. It was literally a scene to prove how strong the bond between Kirishima and Bakugo was, and yet for some reason, it wasn't the person whose development it was meant to be who realised that.

But it's not just him. Momo is canonically the smartest in 1A, and Iida the second. I know academics is different to strategy, but both of them have proved that they definitely can think strategically.

That is, until Deku is involved. Because as soon as he is, he overtakes every role on the team. Fighter? Yep, of course. Thinker? Who cares if that's THE ENTIRE POINT OF ANOTHER CHARACTER, if Deku is there, he's taking that role too. Planner? Of course.

I mean, it happened again with the overhaul arc. For the first time, the spotlight was on Kirishima and Mirio, and it actually seemed possible that it would be THEIR arc, their growth without Deku.

Only to have all of that climax 100% on Deku's fight. A fight we saw so much more of than Mirio's. Even though we're told how long he lasted without his quirk, the only one's fight we actually see is once again Deku's. We are told of Mirio's fight, we are shown Deku's. Because if we had seen Mirio's properly, it'd have overshadowed Deku's by a mile, and we couldn't have that.

I understand he's the protagonist and needs to be the main focus. But that doesn't mean treat the other characters as stepping stones to hype him up even more, or to say stuff about them but not dare show it in case it ends up being more awesome than Deku.

We recently got the first arc where this wasn't an issue, with the villains. I won't give manga spoilers, but all I'll say is if we needed an arc where he doesn't appear, just to have some decent growth for other people without it relating back to him, there's a problem.

This....ran so much longer than I expected. Wow. Okay I went off. Sorry.

And this isn't even everything I wanted to say.

Anyway, it's funny because this was all focused on Deku, and yet I actually am speaking as someone who enjoys him as a character. But I can't argue with the fact there are some fundamental problems.

So....um....let me know if this made sense I suppose?

[marengogo]

I started this blog because:

I wanted to interact with Rosie (akookminsupporter)

I felt reassured knowing we had Euna (dalloga)

I was so FREAKING curious about Ororo. So much so that event though the person I wanted to interact with was Rosie, you were the first I followed.

In my case, curiosity didn't killed the cat; it gave it live. I'd heard of you from other sources and as I read your first post; I was so speechless to say the least. The logic application, the situation consideration, the honest evaluation. It got to a point where I would load pages on my old phone so that i could read them on my way t work.

You need to understand that my experience as a baby ARMY was OUTSTANDING. However, my experience as a baby Jikooker was FAAAAAAAAR from good. It started with YT and ended when I realised that MOST of the jikookers around me were HELLA TOXIC. I was so naive to it all, trusting that nobody would lie to me to push an agenda, because why would they? I could FEEL that there was something going on with jikook so, I assumed everyone around me did the same, in the SAME WAY.

Yet what happened, was that, my little pansexual ass thought I finally found a "couple" I could believe in, because ARMY felt so genuine, so why would Jikookers be any different? I QUESTIONED NOTHING. In my mind, Jikookers knew the truth and I just had to follow and apply my logic and I kid you not, when my brain had moments where the math wasn't mathing, I would just use fantasy and make the math work, because I must have been the only one who didn't see it; when majority around me did.

Eventually, it got to a point where narcissist Tae (diagnosed and all) was trying to harm gullible Jimin; and it all made sense! And then, my final drop; Tae and JK were plotting to make JM suffer- more Tae than JK obviously. At that point my head had a weird confusion and epiphany. My ARMY brain was like "THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?" and my Jikooker brain was like "... I mean, like ... If Jikook, then why???..." I was so confused, argued with jikookers and eventually up and left YT, because my brain was just not on the same wavelength anymore.

While recalibrating my "maknae parameter" I stumbled into Ororo's blog upon suggestion from the only jikooker I trusted at the time. AND ... I was flabbergasted. Many of the Jikook moments that were so cute to watch but which I was too scared to voice as just casual, she also described as so, and blog after blog, my brain was just finally at ease, because it felt like it finally found a brain it can finally relate to with regards to Jikook; THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

I believe that JK and JM have something more than a platonic relationship, mainly because of the few things I can't explain way, but somehow understand, rather than the plethora of moments that I'd love to purposely associate, but which many a time are just that; a moment. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of moments when I love being delulu. The joys of life you know! But in the great scheme of things, I'd rather find out that jikook were actually just a beautiful dream than a forced nightmare, dressed as a dream.

On this platform, you are my safe space. So I will miss your brain, your kindness, your bangtan love, your yoonmin adoration and your genuinely human YOU. If you come back, hoorah for my brain, if not, I'll always drink to you and your happiness.

I genuinely care for you Ororo, so even though I think that none of what I wrote made sense 😂😂😂😂 my love for you those.

Always respectfully yours 💜💜💜.

Marengo

I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.