makee-mee-blushh

[lostlegendaerie]

jfc this fall is brutal. today's hell is under the cut.

I hate onions. The taste of *cooked* onion is great but I can't cut them without wearing goggles because my eyes burn for HOURS afterwards, raw onion literally burns my mouth, the smell makes me feel nauseous and the texture of them when I bite into food with them makes me gag and lose all appetite. I am very happy to put onion powder in anything with onions, or I pick around them in soups/green beans. My family knows this.

A couple days ago, I was visiting my sister and my mom made pizza. She'd already cooked the onions she was going to put on half of it so while my heart sank when I saw the onions I didn't say much of anything. The onions and other toppings went under the cheese (which is apparently not what anyone else does but that's how we've always cooked them) and when the rectangular pizza came out of the oven I carefully cut it into thirds.

"The onions are only on half," my older sister said.

"Yes, but I don't want to take a risk and bite into an onion. So I'll only eat this third."

The matter seemed settled, I ate my third, all was well until the next day when I came downstairs for lunch on a work break. I heated up a slice of pizza I was told wouldn't have onion but after I got it out of the microwave, I saw pieces between the cheese and the sauce and told them both (bc they were in the room and left it out for me) that I wasn't going to eat it. My mom apologized, and I... didn't assure her it was fine. I simply shrugged and said I wasn't comfortable eating the pizza even if she did pick them off for me and I went back upstairs to have the snacks I brought from home (for just this occasion) instead.

Today. I was accused of having 'too much of an attitude' in regards to refusing the pizza and I made my mother feel bad. My argument of "you know I can't eat onions" was downplayed into "we just thought you didn't like them, we forgot it makes you feel sick, and you were still too mean" so I fled to her in-laws place because we're a full hour from any town and. I'm still trying not to cry.

I have done, and will do, everything to make it easier for them to accommodate my sensory needs. I bring earplugs everywhere. I brought my own food. I make it a point to apologize any time they're cooking with peppers and onions and remind them I love them, the air is just making my eyes burn. I spend thousands of dollars on therapy and millions of hours talking with friends to learn how to communicate in a kind and effective way. And despite all of this, it's still my fault when I enforce a boundary that makes them feel guilty.

At a certain point, they have to stop cooking with onions.

[magpiefngrl]

2022 Book Review

so the first thing I noticed, looking back at what I read this year, is that I haven't read any books that blew me away (with one exception, see below). Unlike 2021 (see last year's posts here and a short one here) when I read books that left me with my jaw on the floor. The other thing I noticed is that in 2022 I went for a lot of rereads. I'm a big re-reader, if I love something I want to expose myself to it as often as I can, but this year I reread way more than I normally do. Then again, I've had a super busy summer and some pretty tough months following that, so it's not so surprising I sought out familiarity and comfort.

Total books read: (if I finish current read) 82 81

Books that stood out in 2022 and other musings:

I. The Queen's Thief series (you'll also see me refer to it as The Thief). Prob my most enjoyable read of the year. Two of the six books thrilled me in a way I hadn't felt in yonks and the other four were pretty good too. Also: A. I'm proud of starting and finishing a series in the same year, it doesn't always happen. B. jfc I have a new blorbo I'd die for.

II. The Wimsey books. I started going through them chronologically and read all of them (bar one, I think). I'm pleased that I started the series and finished it--like I said above, it doesn't often happen, esp in recent years. These are murder mysteries featuring a Duke's younger brother as the amateur sleuth. The mysteries aren't Agatha Christie level of competence (I figured out several murderers before the reveal and I'm not even particularly good at this), nor are all the novels equally good, but Sayer's witty prose was a true joy and her dialogue is a masterpiece.

III. Other top books of the year:

Siren Queen (queer SFF), Black Sun (native American inspired SFF), The Atlas Six (dark academia SFF), How to Bang a Billionaire (contemporary m/m romance), The Goldfinch (contemporary literary), Hogfather (fantasy, humour), and Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell (historical fantasy, am at 70% and really loving it).

IV. I'm always excited to see fanfic authors moving on to original fic and I try to support those authors when I can. I've now created a shelf on my GoodReads so I can keep track. This year I read A Restless Truth, the sequel to Marvellous Light by Freya Marske, which was tremendously engaging, and I also read the self-published duology Magpie Ballads (Elegy is the first novel's title) by Vale Aida (only on Amazon atm). This author is superb, I truly love their writing style and how confidently they handle their craft (description, dialogue, narration etc). I have Thoughts TM on plot and story, but overall a very strong debut.

V. The exception (mentioned above): Lymond. What else. I finished Pawn in Frankincense in January and it destroyed me. Absolutely left me in a puddle weeping on the floor. I'd stalled in the book (and series) halfway through for years now. Each 1st Jan I'd be like "...and I need to finish the Lymond books this year!!!!" and it never happened--but then, in 2022, it (almost) did. I also read The Ringed Castle in autumn and am one third in Checkmate. Progress! (I had high hopes of finishing CM before NY but alas. Still trying to finish another long book.) Anyway, Pawn in Frankincense is the novel that blew me away in 2022.

VI. The new thing of the year: receiving daily-ish emails in my inbox with chapters from a classic book. I didn't go for Dracula as I read it some years ago but I signed up for Dangerous Liaisons. I was familiar with the plot, having watched the amazing adaptation (and the other, less than amazing one), but I still enjoyed the book a great deal. Receiving the letters in my inbox was a new and fun experience.

VII. Disappointments! Let's have some of those. The Glass Hotel: found it bleak and dull; DNF'ed it but I might return to it when I've got the energy for a slow story. Wilder Girls: not quite a disappointment but it could've done a lot more with that unique premise. Time Is A Mother (poetry collection): sacrilegious perhaps, but Vuong's Night Sky with Exit Wounds is unparalleled and this one suffers in comparison. Alix E Harrow has turned out to be a hit-or-miss author for me after all. Although I loved the first installment of her fairytale verse, I found A Mirror Mended lacked the depth of the first novella. Good but not memorable. And finally Nghi Vo's Into the Riverlands, the third novella of her Singing Hills Cycle, was OK. A decent read but nothing more.

VIII. I don't read non-fiction at all, it's really not my thing, unless it's books on the writing craft. I used to seek them out avidly, but not anymore. After going through a couple dozen of these books, you realise they all start sounding alike. That being said, writing craft books can be motivating during times of block and often you might find a few gems of advice that can be very inspiring. This year I only read one such book (Writing 21st Century Fiction by D. Maas), which was nothing ground-breaking but included a few exercises that I'm eager to try.

past years

2015 2016 2019 first half of 2020 top 5 books of 2020 2021

[agentemo]

Netflix's ATLA initial thoughts, ep 4: Into the Dark but first some big thoughts

Three episodes in, I kind of wish they'd gotten rid of Momo. They're cutting so much from the OG show and Appa doesn't really have a personality yet. I doubt we'll see him this episode; so halfway through season 1 and we've barely seen a very important character. Did we need Momo? As I said previously, the main trio don't have good chemistry but they're better with other actors so I'm starting to suspect that the fact that they're not strong actors is holding them back as a group. It feels like the creators tried to squeeze too much into these short episodes without developing their relationships [with Aang] in a meaningful and fun way; there's not really much FUN in the show, just some jokes and also sentimental moments.

All of that said, there are some things I do like. Ozai and other prominent fire nation citizens showing up early on is A-OK with me and it has almost nothing to do with Daniel Dae Kim's cheekbones. The effects are mostly good; I've decided this is just a type of magic that can't be shown in live action but there are moments that are strong. Iroh and Zuko are better fleshed out, which I suspect is having a veteran actor and only one child actor (easier than 3 child actors). I think they've done a decent job at cutting some of the fat; the combined storylines, like everything in Omashu and Kyoshi Island, work for me. I wish there were more silly moments but I don't mind that they decided to steer clear of the cartoonish route. At least it's consistent. Sokka is funny.

Back to the show!

Aang and Iroh convo ftw! And is Zuko going back in to save Iroh? I'm excited.

Too much exposition in the dialogue, man! Why are these people not talking like people!?

Danny Pudi elevates every scene he's in. Excellent casting choice.

I like that Bumi's identity isn't a "mystery" this time around. It adds an interesting edge to his antagonism. That edge is unlikeability. Maybe he'll be better by the end of the episode.

Sokka letting go and vibing with the earth kingdom nomads? Chefs kiss.

GAY OMASHU GAY OMASHU GAY OMASHU

SECRET TUNNEEEEEELLL

Best scene. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Is it terrible that Sokka and Katara in the tunnel is giving me Folger's commecial? I like the idea of it being familial love, and the trio acts better when none of them have to third wheel, but my brain went there. I'm sorry lmao.

Honestly Iroh deserves the shit he's getting from the guard, who is eating an apple so we know he's an asshole.

Young Zuko showing signs of his goodness by ignoring tradition and comforting Iroh jfc the first time this show THIS SHOW made me cry. Not he echoes of the animation, but this actual show. Wow. Incredible choice. And LEAVES FROM THE VINE 😭

Sibbling bonding ftw. The change to the "love is brightest..." bit is whack. Badgermole looks sick.

The Bumi/Aang fight had a lot of cool similarities to the OG! I don't love that the point of the fight, however, was for a child to convince an old man that there's hope instead of an old man teaching a child an important lesson.

Zuko and Iroh at the end... WHO keeps cutting ONIONS?!

Best episode so far. The changes mostly worked. All for today for me. Halfway point!

[tokimaeki-gaming]

And that’s Yukari’s route done!!! So sweet, I really enjoyed every moment of this run (even though Shiori BOMBED ME NEAR THE END AND I HAD TO RELOAD). 

Not sure who I’ll do next! I’m open to suggestions. The other girls I’ve completed so far are Ayano, Saki and Rei, so lmk if you have a preference- the only one I won’t do is Shiori, I’m saving her for last

[mauvecardigans]

Part of the problem of not being able to pull things out of my memory at will is that it happens with everything

The empty brain feeling that happens when someone says "what restaurants are in your area?" is identical to the feeling that happens when someone says "well, you've accomplished this task many times before; do it again now"

Like, yeah, I can list the restaurants around me, and I know I've accomplished that task, but suddenly I don't even know what a restaurant is, or how I accomplished that task

[kim-ruzek]

I like Pelham and the actor, but I'm disappointed that Fire decided to add another straight white male character (I will note that I'm just assuming he's straight, so you never know) after they had already added Hawkins.

I don't understand why they wouldn't have gotten a POC, WOC or anyone from an underrepresented community. It would have been nice to see a woman leading 51 in Stella's absence. And now it seems they have put Pelham and Hawkins at the forefront whilst neglecting their minority characters like Cruz (honestly, where has he gone; where has the PTSD storyline gone), Ritter and even Gallo with his lack of growth.

Out of all the OC shows and even some Dick Wolf shows in general, Fire does a decent job at diversity, but they need to realise that having one or two characters from each underrepresented community isn't enough.

First, I thank you for your patience about me getting around to this! I've put a lot of it under a cut because it got a lil long (which is like sxghjkkl bc I have so much more that I could say!) and I hope it makes you feel less alone in your disappointment ❤️

I agree with all of this, it's exactly the kind of things I've been thinking about myself. Like I adore Brett Dalton and I mean adore. When I heard he was gonna be playing Pelham I'm not ashamed to admit I immediately hoped SO much that he'd be sticking around-- and as a good character-- because I love him that much.

So while them choosing to cast *this* white actor takes the edge off my annoyance a little bit because at least it's a talented actor, but honestly it still pisses me off that jfc they didn't even appear to think about hiring a POC/WOC???!! I think especially on the heels of adding Hawkins.

Like Hawkins himself-- why is he white? Like okay I love him and adore his storyline with Violet-- especially bc it's giving Violet a much better love interest!-- so I'm not exactly annoyed by *his* presence but I am so, so disappointed that fire didn't chose to hire a poc.

And honestly I'm disappointed in fire in general; there's now three new characters that are getting introduced this season (the third being the paramedic rumoured to be stepping in for Sylvie) and they've *ALL* been fucking white??? Because apparently there's no way there's gonna be any poc who will be in those jobs right? 🙄 I could excuse one, but three? That's dropping the ball.

I agree that Fire (especially in the past) has done a decent job at diversity. Honestly it's while that technically pd is my favourite, because burzek are my otp, objectively fire was too. Because their diversity, the way they care about the community, their family interactions... It was so good. I mean obviously not perfect and it had Issues but depending it's created and ran largely by white men, it was good.

But, as a post in my drafts say but I'll make the point here instead, Fire is going the same way pd has already years ago. Objectively, pd is so shitty and literally so fucking terrible at diversity and racial issues (not to mention queer issues 🙄) but fire's always had that edge of being good. Except they've really gone downhill.

A big issue is-- and this actually goes for pd, too-- that they lost their poc and non American characters. So already when you look at the cast all lined up, it no longer looks like an incredibly diverse firehouse. I mean yes, it's not all white, but they lost Mills, Gabby, Emily and Otis. And what's more, they didn't exactly aim to replace them with more minorities. (To a degree, I know, I'm not going to get into a debate about the technicality of who replaced who!)

So they start with a nice diverse main cast (even if their secondary characters were all white), and what's more is they had that mix of cultures threaded in throughout the house-- even down to who's the best cooks and what they cook. This, even if there was only a handful of minorities, helped to bring that atmosphere of Diversity and togetherness.

The best places I've ever been in are ones where there is a lovely mix of cultures. I mean obviously I'm not white so I just feel more comfortable around other minorities, and I'm from a very diverse city. Which is why I like Chicago, and one Chicago, because a lot of the things can be similar to home (just with the caveat that I don't have a big latino population). And I liked that feel that early CF had.

A mix of cultures in one pot, it's truly one of the best things ever, especially bc us minorities are so much more likely to be accepting of one another. And while this wasn't really ever as at the forefront of the show like I'd say do, it was so good depending the white creators and white leads.

But when they lost their actors, they not only physically, from how the cast looks, lost a lot of their diversity, but they lost that vibe. And that's a big factor in how this feels even more disappointing, because they already only have a few poc and just keeps adding white characters, but they've rid us of that feeling. And because they're not really making sure to keep that vibe, they're not thinking about it in the casting room-- which means they don't remember that hey, we should hire people who aren't, y'know, white.

It's the opportunities they could take and ignores that creates this disappointment. As you've said, why couldn't we have a woc to lead the 51, especially after last season with them talking about how incredible it is to have woc in charge. And I mean, okay, I get it to a degree-- they want the first black woman lieutenant in charge to be Stella. (And by get it I mean I get that white men feel that it's more special that way bc they see two black women as two black women first, not two individuals whereas we don't). So... Make the lieutenant latina. Chicago has such a big latino as well as black so if they don't want to use a black actor bc of Stella... There's still a non white option!!! But instead they choose... A white man, who's presumed straight.

And honestly, these things I might be able to get pass if, as you put, they didn't neglect their pre-existing poc over Pelham and Hawkins!! Like Ritter is nothing but a plot device in gallo's immaturity, and Cruz... I'm so mad about them fading out his storyline. Honestly the way before these seasons aired the productions amped up Kim's and Cruz's respective storylines only to drop them has already pissed me off, but to have them choose to ignore a moc's struggles, even more as he approaches fatherhood which can be a trigger to bring up deep repressed issues? It's like why did they even bother!!!

And idek what's up with Gallo. Like why bring in more white characters when you're doing nothing with this one? And that's another thing that annoyed me about the Pelham thing-- so it was shown early on that Stella took a kinda mentoring role to Gallo, and they could've had her leave some notes for who came to fill in (although yes technically he filled in for Matt) and like we could see Pelham doing things recommended-- and getting to see what amazing work Stella does despite her not being on our screen- getting them to keep shining a light on their woc even when the actress was taking a break.

And it just pisses me off even more that they reintroduced seager and she's nothing but a useless flirt. Like way to demonise, writers!

All these points can kinda link into pd, too, and I'm just gonna talk about that for a moment although I will be making a separate post about it. I was going to include these points in the paragraphs talking about it in fire but I thought I'd just add it on here on the end in case people just wanted to focus on CF.

The loosing of poc: honestly this is an even bigger problem in pd then it is in fire. Because one) fire has more than one, and two) they have done somewhat more of loosing a poc and swapping them with another (although there's inherent problems with that too). But pd, we always had basically none, and then whenever they lost characters, they just... Didn't replace them.

Kevin is literally the only poc and his storyline is only ever about being black-- and it's not even done well!!! Yes points are poignant, but overall it's just so exhausting and honestly overdue. And they wrote off Antonio, got rid of Rojas with no mention, and now... The Latino community apparently doesn't exist, and the black community only exists when they remember about Kevin.

And fun fact writers, just because we (poc) disappear from your minds as soon as you think you've done your quota, doesn't mean we actually disappear in real life! We're still here, watching your show, seeing our issues get made a mockery of. Like no, things don't stop just because the focus is on this character today. It's an ongoing thing, and it's a thing that white people-- no matter how hard they try-- will never ever know how it feels. You can't, not unless you have the skin we have, not unless you grow up feeling the way people look at you from day fucking one. The closest white people will ever get is when they're parents to non-white kids, but even that will never quite be the same.

And obviously a lot of this is Eid's fault. I mean pd was still a fucking disaster pre-eid, but it was better. But Eid came in, killed characters and did nothing to hire others after or discuss racial issues until, y'know, George Floyd happened.

And it's not just about poc, and our communities that's been overlooked and ignored. It's the potential about other underrepresented communities. Like Hailey. She's Greek, her grandparents or great grandparents were probably immigrants, or if not, her family grew up around Greek immigrants and in that culture. And when she's introduced, there's literally another Greek character in the show but do they jump on the chance to use that to integrate her and the multi-cultural life in Chicago? Nope! She brings Greek donuts once and then it's like Greek? Me? Oh no way.

And it's even more important because Hailey is "American passing". You look at her, and you look at her name, and the average person won't see the enriching Greek culture. (I'm not saying btw that Greeks have to look a certain way, they don't, but I'm just pointing out that the average white person who's not knowledgeable in cultures will not associate all the uniqueness Hailey could bring, the opinions she'd have).

I'm not even gonna touch upon Makayla in this post, mostly because I've got others I'm gonna dedicate to just her because it's complicated, but the whole fucking way they've handled that is just so so bad and I can't even understand the people who said that the writing from Eid taking over to him stepping down being good.

I'm gonna stop this here now, especially before I go into ranting about Jay and Voight and even more before I start ranting about some areas of this fandom!

Anyway!!! Sorry (again) that this took so long to get around too, and I'm sorry most of what I've answered isn't insights but just me ranting but thank you so much for sending this. It's everything I think, and it makes me feel less alone, especially because it can feel like I'm a little bit crazy in this fandom bc of things like this and getting sent this by another poc makes me feel better (By the way, this whole time I've been assuming you're also a poc but if you're not, I'm guessing you're from an underrepresented community yourself bc your wording just shows that!)

Feel free to come into my inbox whenever, and I can promise I'll try and answer you sooner 🤣

[sakuramotion]

hello u guys!! <3 [crickets] i've been inactive bc a lot of fucking annoying shit happened [crickets] anyway good news is i'm done with the semester i'm done with college i'm no longer a student omg??? only took me forever <3 (the third try was a success!! luv to see it) (yes i dropped out of college twice and was kinda scared i was not gonna make it this time but i! did! it) (now i'm like broke) but anyways so guess who got tested positive for covid? my fucking flat ass,,, BUT you know what's actually worse? i got it because my mom got sick with it she got me so worried!!!!! like the first days she started to feel sick she was like i'm gonna stay in my room ok but my sister and i were like nah she probably just has the flu but then she went and got tested and had to wait for the results and on the day of the results i woke up with a sore throat but was like really mild and i was like ok.... probably nothing serious! and then my mom got the results and she was positive and the next day my throat really hurt and i think i had a fever so i took a pill slept it off and the next morning i was fine like i swear like nothing had happened!! but my mom was like yall need to go and get tested now so we went and we did the antigens one so very quickly we got the results and... well i was positive my sister was negative. and there i was like great! like worst timing ever bc my depression and my bpd issues and all the fucking mental shit i have to deal with has been Really Bad and then i got that shit just when i thought i had found a job and stuff with uni was going on and i had just seen my boyfriend like couple days ago and i was so scared omg i was like if he gets sick because of me i'll kms and then i started reading all these articles and they were like awful like awful stories with the same message: you! are! going! to die! but first you will suffer and if you don't die you will suffer forever! and i was like jfc ain't that life anyways like yea i wanna kms every day but i don't wanna go bc of some fucking ass virus.... honestly i got so scared not for me but for my mom!!!!!! bc after she got her results she started to feel Really Bad like the whole thing happened to her coughing loss of taste and smell body ache she had no strength she was sleeping all the time and i saw her only a couple of times bc she was really staying in her room and she looked so bad and god,,,, to see your mom like that! my mom!!! my mom has always way more energy than me and to see her like that christ i cried like a baby for two days i was so scared and then i wanted my bf to be with me but ofc he couldn't bc i needed to isolate as well and my dad! my dad texted me what was your result? and i texted back positive and HE left me on read,,,, like ok!! daddy issues explained,,,,, he texted me like 3 days later to asked how i was feeling like ok what if i had died.... but anyways ,,,, so there i was worrying abt my mom and waiting for the symptoms to really hit me but nothing happened to me like after those two days before i got tested nothing else happened except for like coughing here and there and a stuffy nose for a couple of days so i guess even tho i'm not fully vaccinated yet bc i got the first dose on july,,, that must've helped a lot bc thanfully i didn't get sick like my mom i didn't feel anything more but also very thankful my mom recovered completely after a week and a half and here she is back to her normal self!! i'm so excited this is finally over for us and i get to finally see my boyfriend soon like omg i missed him so much i needed him so much like i hug almost nobody but that man!! i hug him so much so often and i miss doing it i need to do it i can't wait <3 happy ending for us happy and thankful it ended like this!! [crickets] anyway don't forget to wear ur fucking masks wash ur hands!!!! and get vaccinated!!! srsly ppl be careful!!

[gatecoeur]

Ana, texting Arrie at least 3/4ths of the way through her third bottle of wine: Okay, here's the deal sugar-butt, i'm gonna come to your house... bird-scoop... lion's den, whatever, and we're gonna tesselate. no cameras, no audience, no strings attached. i just think we've reached a point in our friendship where i can casually eat your box without it meaning anything other than thinking youre cute okay? so go take a shower. or don't. either way~ luv u see u soon

{ @cosmicskrull }{ the women in arrie’s life are sending her HELLA spicy things like jfc dude. also ana u fuckin champ, u better finish that third bottle }

Arrie found herself confused reading the snippet of text that showed up on her lockscreen’s notifications. What the hell did Ana mean by bird-scoop?

And then Arrie made the mistake of unlocking her phone to read the full text. At first she was more confused. But then she read the words “no cameras”, and the realization dawned on her quickly as she kept reading along.

Oh god. Ana said she was coming over soon. How the hell was Arrie supposed to explain that she hadn’t done the whole no-strings-attached type flings in YEARS? And even worse still, that her encounters with women since then had been minimal at best? Okay sure, Arrie wouldn’t have to go through the entire emotional process of explaining to Ana that she was a shapeshifter, but still, ever since that conversation concerning cameras and audiences, Arrie STILL hadn’t made up her mind about the Skrull. This was definitely going to screw all that up big time, right?

The fact that Ana had called her cute over text completely flew over Arrie’s head as other concerns entered her mind. Ana was SO much more high-maintenance than Arrie. What was she going to think of her room? Arrie didn’t sleep with satin pillowcases or cashmere blankets. There was no way Ana wasn’t going to be disappointed with her very minimalistic choices in lingerie either. 

A shower. Yeah, maybe a shower would be good. If only to get her mind to stop racing with worry...

[goose-creations]

A little bit more Info. (Of the Personal Sorts)

Hello! So, I recently reblogged a post about schizophrenia and I wanted to talk about my experiences with it w/o taking over the original post, which can be found here

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/goose-creations/690505366787751936?source=share

For myself personally, I've only been diagnosed for about six years (When I had turned 19) but I've been dealing with the symptoms for a lot longer, since about third grade (About 8-9, give or take)

For me, I thought that it was very normal to hear voices and see things that weren't there. I thought that everyone did honestly. It was only later that I realized that not everyone heard and saw what I did, but we'll get to that at another time.

For the seeing part, it's usually shadowy figures or bright flashes of color where there wouldn't

This next part might be Triggering for some readers so Imma bold it and when it turns back to normal, it should be safe again.

When my emotions are a riot, so's my symptoms. Puberty was like hell. The constant ups and downs made me hate myself, which fed into the voices.

For me, I heard my parents tell me to kill myself. The voices fed into my darkest fears and made me nearly do it. They'd call me a coward each day I went on but at the same time, I'm a stubborn bitch so I felt like there had to be something going on here. Eventually I did tell someone I trusted very much and he told me that I'm one of the bravest people that he's ever known.

Now we should be done with the bad stuff.

A few weeks later we found me a psychiatrist and a therapist (which sounds amazingly simple but it was not, lemme tell you, it was not.) and I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, it was about four years ago that the -affective disorder was added on.

It's been a few years with its ups and downs. While I still see things, (Slenderman standing in the corner of a room, the Among Us dudes dancing on peoples heads, Auras, etc.) I do have a vivid imagination which helps me make art and as for the hearing things, well I still hear what I talked about earlier buuuutttt it has also developed into me A) having something called an Echoic Memory (I hear something, my brain decides it likes it and it replays for a while. Ex. Morgan Freeman saying "tiddy sprinkles") and B) something called Foreign Accent Syndrome which I don't really understand but Google tells me that I slip into accents bc I'm trying to be friendly and it's a sign of Autism? (If someone else can explain, what would be great)

Either way, I wouldn't be me without my 'disability' (I'm high functioning, what can I say) In a way, it's my superpower and my kryptonite. It's lead me to love and hate myself and learn to accept things about me and others over the years.

All of this can boil down to...

STOP DEMONIZING MENTAL ILLNESSES YOU JACKASSES!!! WE GOT EMOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY!!! JFC..

If you did, thanks for reading it all the way. Even if you didn't, still, thanks.

[thelegendofclarke]

I'm not sure that the Undercover Lover Jon thing is true, even though I get why people believe it. If it isn't true tho, what is the third treason that Dany's going to suffer? I thought it was pretty much agreed that it was going to be Jon.

Hokay I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I am nothing if nothing contrary af. SO anon I am going to use your ask as a kind of like ~general layout~ of my thoughts on the potential of UCJ.  I’m going to maintain though that I would prefer not to discuss any potential consent issues for personal reasons. 

I am also gonna shout out to the other few anons as, well as @ladyanyawaynwood and @lyanna-mormont, who also sent me asks on this topic. 

SO all right folks *drum roll* It’s the new favorite fandom Disc Horse! Either you love it or you hate it! Either you want to have its babies or want to kill it with fire!… It’s THE UNDERCOVER JON THEORY!

Before I start rambling, you should all totally check out the bottom part of this really excellent post by @him-e about some of the details and possibilities of this theory, because Claudia is so much better at words and explanations and life than me. There’s also this post by @blindestspot, whose no nonsense approach I always really appreciate.

Ok, first of all: I would like to go on record once more in saying that God I really dislike the name Undercover Jon. I primarily hate it because I feel like it’s misleading, at least in terms of what I personally would consider this theory to be. I feel like “undercover” implies deliberateness and ill intent and malice aforethought that I generally don’t really think is involved here. Also, I guess I don’t really subscribe to the Undercover Lover theory at all, because I don’t think Jon’s feelings for/sexual relationship with Dany have anything to do with it (i.e. I do not think Jon purposefully and deliberately seduced Dany for the sole purpose of manipulating her, nor do I think he is merely pretending to have feelings for her for the sole purpose of personal/political gain). 

I truly don’t believe Jon is in any way maliciously gaslighting Dany as part of any Grand Scheme. Personally, I feel that would be too much at odds with the Honorable and Noble character and narrative established for Jon. But that’s not to say that I don’t think the general theory is totally with out merit. I actually think some elements of it could definitely make up a potential plot line. I have explained my take on it as more Flying By the Seat of His Pants Jon- I think “scheme” would be way too strong a word, I think “plan” would probably even be too generous. It’s probably more along the lines of “ok so this is what we are doing now.”

Somewhere along the line I feel like this whole thing turned into something VERY black and white and moralized. I also think that somewhere down the line this turned into a VERY polarized and mutually exclusive theory, which I don’t think would be the case in the event that the theory ends up being true. I have seen a lot of comparisons being made to LF and Ned Stark. It’s either that Jon is Ned Stark’s son and he would NEVER act in this type of morally dubious manner, OR that if Jon were to be acting in this morally dubious manner that he is just as bad as LF. @blindestspot summed up this polarization kind of perfectly imo:

Hyperbolically speaking, either Jon is a cruel cad or he is a faithless idiot. If you step away from the hyperbole, his pragmatism or naivety might actually make him less of a righteous cookie-cutter hero and more like a flawed human being. But it’s the internet and ideas are quickly distorted into their most hyperbolic versions of themselves. If Jon isn’t wholly good, he has got to be evil. If Jon isn’t smart, he eats crayons for breakfast.

Likewise, I disagree with the idea that Ned Stark and LF are the only two applicable points of moral comparison, that just seems awfully restrictive imo. Also, both Ned Stark and LF are dead. This implies that in order to survive the game of thrones, you have to fall somewhere in between. I guess the best way I can think of to explain it is that I kind of view this theory and it’s different variations on a sliding scale… The more deliberate and manipulative the version of the theory makes Jon out to be, the less likely I think it is to happen in that manner. 

Jon is one of the heroes of the show; and not only that, he has often been used or portrayed as the Moral Compass Character. (And example being just this season when he refused to punish Ned Umber and Albs Karstark for the sins of their fathers). The show runners have never had any story line that explicitly and intentionally places Jon in the wrong or in an extremely negative light. There has been story lines where he has acted in a morally ambiguous manner (see: Ygritte and the Wildlings), but he has never done anything purposefully malicious or outright evil or immoral. Also, there has been no indication in the narrative that he is heading toward any kind of downward spiral. I just can’t see the show going the dark!Jon or evil!Jon or morally corrupt!Jon route in the final season when he has been consistently portrayed as the Knight in Shining Armor, Savior, and Hero of the story.

I am a lawyer… So my basic approach to things like speculation is to look at the evidence. Honestly, for this theory, imo the defense for both sides have created reasonable doubt.

Arguments for UCJ

Potential Evidence from Jon’s character:

Through the Wilding plot from s1-s3, the narrative has established that Jon is capable of deception. He is capable of having genuine feelings for someone while not being completely honest. 

Sansa told Jon he needed to be “smarter,” which he could have taken to heart. A plot like this, similar to the the Sansa and Arya vs. LF plot, could be part of the general theme of “I learn” and the Starks going from pawns to players.

Kit Harrington has said this about Jon Snow’s character in s7 and s8: “But this year, I think he becomes a politician… He starts manipulating people in a Jon Snow way - in a kind way, but he has a job to do.” (x) This not only confirms that Jon IS operating as apolitical actor, but could also imply that Jon has a strategic goal or purpose. However, Jon having real feelings for Dany is not necessarily at odds with him having a second agenda. The two things are not at all mutually exclusive.

Jon steadfastly maintained through out the season that he would not be bending the knee. He even went so far as to tell Dany “I am a king.” It could be difficult for people to see how he would make such a complete 180, and a seemingly needless and unnecessary one given that Dany agreed to fight the NK before he bent the knee.

Potential Evidence from the Show:

There have been story lines, like the Sansa and Arya vs. LF plot, that were dishonest on their face. The way they were portrayed was intended to mislead the audience. So D&D are capable of using this kind of plot device.

The way I see this kind of story line going, it would also essentially be a pretty significant parallel to the Jon and the Wildlings plot, where Jon had real feelings for Ygritte but the situation was complicated by duty and circumstance. However, this would mean that it’s material D&D are familiar with.

All of the finale was full of subtext about lying and lies and honor. They laid it on so thick. Thick enough, I felt, that it could imply that Jon is hiding something or that part of him is overcompensating and/or being motivated by guilt.

Arguments Against UCJ:

Potential Evidence from Jon’s character:

Obviously, Jon’s honor code and strong senses of morality and duty are huge parts of his character. It’s totally reasonable to think that he has no ulterior motives beyond forming an alliance to ensure Dany and her dragons will fight with the North.

I think that Jon knows The NK will probably have a dragon how (he has seen the NK raise people from the dead, and he knows from the wight hunt that the NK can also raise animals from the dead). He knows without the dragons, they do not stand a chance. So he is doing everything necessary to ensure the dragons are on their side.

Jon has been consistently portrayed as a Hero and Moral Compass type character. There would be no reason for them to do anything that had the potential to  turn the audience so vehemently against him in the final season.

Potential Evidence from the Show:

There have been some incredibly stupid story lines (jfc that wight hunt). It’s fair to be suspicious that a story line of this manner is beyond what D&D have the tendency to produce in terms of complex details.

There are only 6 episodes left. I have a really hard time imagining how they would pull this off in 6 episodes ON TOP OF everything else that has to happen before the series ends.

In regards to the plot device of characters using seduction and emotional manipulation as a tool, D&D have consistently been typical dude bro’s insofar as it has been largely female characters who have done so (Cersei, Margaery, Shae, Osha, ect.) It might be completely beyond them to think to have a male character utilize those techniques in such a manner.

I see valid arguments being made on both sides here to constitute a generally sufficient case for it going either way. I think that anyone who would argue “yes the is 100% going to happen” OR “no there is a 0% chance this is happening” would be willfully disregarding evidence from one side or the other. Obviously it’s natural that people will find one side or the other more persuasive, everything about speculation is subjective. But I just don’t feel like it would be possible to make any definitive statements at this point. 

All the reasons I have for thinking this could be possible or impossible have nothing to do with me shipping Jon/Sansa. They actually don’t really have anything to do with Sansa herself at all in any different way than they have to do with everyone in the North that Jon’s decision affects. I know there are some people who might not believe me when I say that, but I supposed there is nothing I can do about it. But that’s the thing about speculation: it’s always subjective, there can be arguments made for both sides. While some people may say “Jon has made promises to Dany and he wouldn’t break them and betray her,” the flip side is “in making these promises to Dany, Jon has betrayed his duty and promises he made to all of his subjects as their king whom they trust.” For every argument, there is a counter argument; for every action, there is a reaction. For every person who can’t believe Jon would betray Dany, there is another person who can’t believe Jon would betray his family. For every person who believes Jon was right to bend the knee, there is another person who can’t believe he would do it. For every person who thinks Dany deserves to rule the Seven Kingdoms, there is another person who believes the North deserves their freedom and independence.

All things considered, I do feel there could be some potential conflict in regards to Jon’s intentions and motivations. I think there are various events and ambiguities in the past and present plot, as well as in Jon’s actions and in Jon and Dany’s relationship, that support said hypothesis. My best guess is that Jon definitely has some guilt about bending the knee because he either: a) knows the north will NEVER go for it, or b) was being genuine and feels guilty for having unilaterally made such a huge decision that effects so many people, including his own family, with out their input (which he should because ffs dude come on!) .The only thing that I believe Jon has been outright dishonest about is telling Dany that the Northerners would bend the knee accept her as Queen. The North has a very deep seated rhetoric against the Targaryens. Whether it’s true or not is essentially a moot point, it’s just something that is deeply embedded in their history. In 7x02 they went out of their way to make a ~big deal~ about how “Targaryens can’t be trusted.” The North also has a historic distrust and disdain for Southern rule and the Iron Throne, going all the way back to Torrhen Stark, the king who knelt. I don’t think there is any way that Jon could reasonably believe that Dany won’t be met with opposition from the North… All the rest of it, including Jon’s feelings towards Dany, kind of falls into a gray area of words vs. actions vs. intent vs. motivations. Which makes sense, because this would be a morally gray plot; and it wouldn’t be the first time one of those was featured on Game of Thrones. 

I suspect that, like with Operation Wildling, Jon has no real escape plan or exit strategy here; I honestly don’t think that he has thought about it that much (also implying that any deliberate, premeditated manipulation or ill intent on his part would be minimal or non existent). Honestly, I think that Jon believes he is not going to survive to see the extended repercussions of and reactions to his bending the knee. I think that Jon truly believes he is going to die fighting the NK. He already showed that he was willing to die when he told Dany to leave him behind in 7x06. Like the rest of us, his he is probably wondering how in the ever loving fuck his ass has somehow managed to survive this long. (Honestly being like, “I’ll bend/pretend to bend the knee and then just die so I don’t have to face Sansa” would ABSOLUTELY be a Jon Snow thing to do.) I think Jon made what he saw as the best decision in the present, and isn’t concerned about the future or the fallout. Which, if true, could lead to a couple possible conflicts for next season:

Possibility 1- Jon dies in the BftD and Dany lives, leaving Dany to face the North and Cersei on her own.

Possibility 2- Dany dies in the BftD and Jon lives, leaving him to deal with the fallout in the North and Cersei alone.

Possibility 3- Both Jon and Dany survive the BftD and the North makes it clear that they will not accept his as queen, leaving Jon to decide who’s side he will be on. His decision then would obviously be complicated by his feelings for Dany and his loyalty to his family ect. ect.

Possibility 4- The White Walkers win and everyone dies so it doesn’t even matter!

(*Disclaimer: Obviously this list is just me speculating and is in no way comprehensive or exhaustive.)

And like Anon said, if Jon is going to be the third reason that Dany suffers, then Possible Conflict #’s 1 and 3 could definitely play into that. In #1 Dany would not only be dealing with Jon’s death, but also with the knowledge that he was dishonest to her. And in #3 if Jon ends up siding with the Starks in a potential conflict, that could possibly be a major betrayal.

I also think subjectivity comes into play big time here with regards to which parts of the story people prefer or find more compelling or are more interested in. Game of Thrones has SO MUCH going on and there are so many different lenses through which people can view it. Who are the most important characters? What is the most important plot? Who is The Hero™? Who is The Villain™? What is the ideal endgame? I would bet you pretty much anything no two people would answer all those questions the exact same way. We as an audience have been waiting 6 seasons for BOTH the Stark Restoration/Northern Independence AND the Dany Getting to Westeros plots to play out. I’ve kind of talked about it a little bit before, but for me personally (and I think for others as well), it was extremely narratively frustrating to finally get the narrative pay out from the Stark story line, only to have it be given up and taken away such a short time later. 

I also think that if Jon’s storyline is 100% completely honest, straight forward, and genuine as it stands, then like 90% of the major, climactic events of his arc will seem to have been pointless and he will have learned nothing from them. It would also seem that Jon bending the knee and unilaterally making such a huge decision for such a large number of people so easily would go against a lot of what he has supposedly learned. I’m not even saying that it was the wrong decision or that he didn’t have the authority to make it or even that it would be completely ooc. However, such a seemingly single minded action would show an alarming and annoying (imo) lack of character development… Which, again, is entirely possible. This is D&D after all.

In sum, I honestly don’t have that strong of a stance on this tbh. I guess mine is kind of like a Moderate View on the theory or like, “Undercover Jon Light.” I think some variation of it could definitely be possible and would be an interesting potential plot so I won’t rule it out completely. But I also won’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen.