#i'm too nice of a person and im trying to not outright hate your guts

[pettrichore]

pissed @ my ex. honestly i’ve been trying to be nice and civil and just be friendly. we dont talk that much but when we do i try to keep it to safe topics like anime and shit. i’m just trying to be nice especially bc he’s taking care of some of my shit (like my fish etc) while i’m away. but honestly this dude is pushing me to my limit. it’s one thing to bring up the girl you’re seeing or whatever even though we both specifically said we dont want to hear about the other person’s dating life but whatever. i can put up with it if i ask some vague “how are things?” question or whatever. fine. but then you start bringing her up when the conversation wasnt even going there??? like just randomly talk about meeting her family or how her mom cooked you food etc. or like talking about how she bought you expensive shoes but “i dont fw that like who does that we barely know each other” and then go into say “but it’s nice being spoiled ig” as if i didn’t do that but whatever. anywayyyy. and then be like “gtg bc i gotta see her later” like SHUT UUUUUP!!!! and i know him and i know if i say “hey honestly i would like it if you STOPPED talking about her and you and her” like UGH i know if i do that he will throw a fit. also i may very well be fulfilling the thing he wants which is like “making me jealous” idk bitch u cant send me fucking hearts but also break up with me but also want to be with me but also try to fucking shove this “we’re not together but we’re going on dates no it’s not DATING there’s a difference” bullshit down my throat. like no more mixed signals. i dont want you anymore but it fucking hurts having you shove this shit in my face constantly. im not jealous bitch im just hurt and you arent letting me NOT be hurt.

[lesbian-ed]

ok. this is an odd one. I'm a radfem/gendercrit leaning lesbian, and my girlfriend is a nonbinary lesbian (female lol). I haven't outright said im a radfem, but she seems to agree with most radical feminist views until the topic of trans rights (well i havent directly talked to her about it but i assume).... should i tell her specifically im a radfem and try to explain or just wait until we disagree on trans issues? i'm really scared she'll hate me because i think i love her. figured i'd ask

This must be so complex and I can't begin to imagine how you're able to deal with this and talk around her femaleness...

But okay, as I've talked about before, at the time my girlfriend started becoming more rad-leaning, I identified as non-binary myself. She was the one to help me peak trans, and through it all she was super kind and I'm eternally thankful.

The first thing I'll say is that I don't think you should come out saying you're a radfem. That could completely close her off, as TRAs often already hate the mere idea of "terfs", even if they don't even understand what we actually are or believe in as radical-leaning feminists.

In my girlfriend's case, what she did, knowing I'm pretty headstrong and very personally attached to my beliefs, was she started introducing a few concepts here and there, I assume testing the water, and I mostly agreed with her. We agreed about being anti porn and anti prostitution in like 5 seconds, but as she started dropping hints about trans stuff, I must admit I freaked out a little. We had a bit of an argument, and I was really upset, but the more she explained, the more I listened, the more I saw things through her eyes, and here I am today, "terfy" as they come. I'm sure it also helped though that at the time I wasn't very active on Tumblr, and did not know what "TERF" was at all.

So if you and your girlfriend already have an established rapport, and already talk about politics, it could definitely be a good idea to slowly introduce radical-leaning opinions to the conversation, debating points you're most passionate about, and eventually coming to a consensus.

I'm sure your girlfriend cares a lot about you, and therefore she must respect you, and by extension respect your opinions, even if she doesn't necessarily agree with them (or know that she agrees with them).

So yeah, talking things out, explaining, being patient (like, super patient, the most patient you've ever been. If my girlfriend had snapped when I said stupid misoginistic things, I don't know that I would have kept listening, you know?)... All this stuff can help.

I'd also suggest speaking in her terms, even if as a rad-leaning feminist you don't necessarily agree with or even generally use them. If you use language that she a) doesn't understand or b) outright doesn't agree with, she might get spooked.

As with any argument, it's best not to get too defensive, and if you notice she's closing off, be ready to drop it nicely and pick it up at another time.

Do keep in mind identifying as trans usually involves dysphoria and a lot of internalized hatred, and it is not at all easy having these very personal debacles being thrown in your face in a negative light. She might not be willing to listen at all at first, and it might take time, so be prepared for that.

If she's in too deep, you should also be ready for her to just... Not being willing to listen. And as heart wrenching as it is, even for me to consider, let alone you, she might just not want to change her views, and by extension change herself, since as someone who identified as nb this does also directly affect her.

At the end of the day this will be personal to you both, and you'll have to go with your gut, taking into consideration what her personality is, how she reacts to being contradicted, all that. Having some resources at hand could also be really helpful, as she might disagree and not actually have all the facts (as is often the case with tras). It might be especially helpful, once you get into why trans isn't the best for women or even homosexual individuals.

Anyway, I hope this goes well, and I hope you two can pull through. I wish you and her the best, and knowing the ugly bits of the trans movement, I 100% think it would be best to any woman (or """"afab"""") to get out of this misogynistic homophobic cult.

Good luck, and take care!

/Mod A