#ibuprofen didn’t do a thing for the pain. until yesterday the hydrocodone they prescribed was all that would

[dragongeek1]

well friends I have officially joined the Chronic Pain Club, it’s not great to be here, there’s a chance it’s only temporary but my gut says ‘hmm many doubts’ and I won’t really know for a couple of weeks anyway until my doctors appointment. So. Been navigating that for four days and well we’re navigating at least

[cl-nt]

I need to be very open and honest right now.

I have a problem. I have a big problem.

Last Spring, I had a surgery in my digestive tract to remove a cyst that was preventing me from using the bathroom properly. I was given a prescription for generic Oxycodone/Acetaminophen 5/325 tablets (brand name: Percocet) to help manage the post operative pain. Due to the specific nature of the surgery, and the anesthesia they used, I wasn’t able to take over the counter pain medicines such as Ibuprofen and Naproxen for at least 72 hours after the operation. At that time, I only used 5 out of my 45 prescribed pills. In fact, I did not like the way Oxycodone made me feel at all, so I used it as little as I could.

Flash forward to this summer, and I’m in a much darker place mentally. During the month of May, I took a Percocet three times, on all mornings that I was feeling particularly bad. The euphoria induced by just that small dose (since I had no tolerance, at all) was enough to get me through the day. I was able to stop after those 3 days, and paid no mind to the pills for a while after that. 

At the end of June, going into July, I started a particularly nasty round of Cluster Headaches. Cluster Headaches are unilateral, excruciating headaches that happen at the same time of day, every day, multiple times a day, anywhere from a few weeks to a few months long, followed by a longer period of remission. The pain from Cluster Headaches is unbearable and debilitating, and also unresponsive to any safe doses of OTC pain medication. I was given a Migraine Medication called Sumatriptan, which worked very well, and very fast, but my insurance only covered 9 pills a month. At that time, I would getting about 9 headaches over only a 3 day period. 9 pills a month was not covering it. 

So, I started to take the Percocet again. It was effective (though not recommended by ANY doctor, due to the risk of more headaches) at relieving the pain and calming me down enough to sleep through the night. It also got rid of the anxiety that the clusters caused me. I grew a tolerance to both pain relieving and euphoric affects of the drug quickly, so I started to take more and more every time. I started taking the pills when I didn’t have a headache, just because I like the way it made me feel. It became part of my routine some nights, just to take a few Percocet and watch youtube until 4am.

I was able to realize I had a problem, and got rid of the pills. I gave them to a trusted family member and told them only to give me them if it was visibly obvious that I was having a cluster headache (there are several visual symptoms of the headaches including droopy eyes, runny noses, and flushed face)  This worked, but it didn’t save me from withdrawing from the medication. I was physically sick when I didn’t take it, and after that preliminary period, I was constantly craving it. All I thought about was taking more.

Eventually, another family member found the pills and disposed of them. Though I had cut down my use tremendously, I still occasionally took one, just to subside the cravings for a few days. That threw me off, not having them at all. I was desperate for more euphoria, more pills.

So, I found my prescription of generic Hydrocodone/Acetaminophen 10/325 (brand name: Vicodin) tablets in the depths of a medicine cabinet, barely opened and barely expired. I had been prescribed them initially for the pain of the cyst, but my father wouldn’t let me take them. They went unused, and I had completely forgot about them until I was desperate for them. Just like I grew dependent on the Percocet, I quickly grew dependent on the Vicodin. It took more of it to get the same affects as the Percocet (a scientific study found that Oxycodone is roughly 50% more potent than Hydrocodone). I was back on the slippery slope.

I got off the Vicodin, and I was going on about 3 weeks without a pill when I had a particularly rough day and found where I had hid them while searching for a pair of boxers. I relapsed. That was yesterday. I took 2 more today.

I want so bad to stop this habit, to stop feeding this addiction but I’ve learned now that I can’t do it alone. Everybody will say they support you because they don’t want you to feel bad, but deep inside you know they’re judging you, and it just makes things worse. I feel like garbage for letting things get like this, and I want to make things right. I don’t want to be dependent on this drug, especially since it has no therapeutic value for me right now.  

I am asking for help, for support, for advice, for affordable counseling recommendations, and for good vibes. I want to get better, but I know I can’t do it alone. I’m reaching out to Tumblr because here, it seems like people don’t judge. I genuinely feel like I can find good advice here without endless judgement. 

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 011220

12 January 2019

Dear Dad--

It’s been an odd week! Most of it has been overshadowed by some nasty dental pain. For background, one of the reasons we left Austin was because it was so expensive to live there that we had to give up a few unnecessary frivolities, like dental care. So a few months ago I lost a filling. It left this square hole that spanned a couple of my back teeth on the top left. Didn’t hurt, so I concentrated on just keeping it clean, keeping food out of there, and I lived my life. Couple of weeks ago, one of the teeth spanned by the square hole became loose and ejected itself from my mouth. Didn’t hurt, didn’t deal with it, lived my life. Then about a week ago something went wrong--got infected, I assume--in that area. Then the pain arrived!

And dental pain is one of those special kinds of pain, isn’t it? Like when you have an inner ear infection, or when something goes wrong with your asshole. I’m old enough that I’ve twice had things go spectacularly wrong with my asshole, and the pain is similar. It’s pain plus! It’s like pain with an extra punch in the nuts just for the hell of it. So I found my dental clinic and walked on in. Took about an hour, but they did X-rays, examined it, and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. There was no prescription for Hydrocodone or anything really useful for the pain. I’ll complain more about this shortly. They also made an appointment for me to get the remains of those teeth pulled next Wednesday (Whee!) and sent me home. Didn’t charge me anything because of MainCare, but they said if MaineCare didn’t cover something, they’d bill me for it later. Fair enough.

Their idea of pain management is taking maximum doses of extra strength Tylenol and ibuprofen every 4 hours. I’m doing that, and it helps! Notice I didn’t say it took the pain away! I’m kind of pissed about that. I assume they either don’t want to prescribe something really fun and effective (like Vicodin!) because they’re afraid of lawsuits (the cowardly fuckers!) or else some state governmental entity forbids it. The over-the-counter shit is making it manageable, so I’ll settle for that for now, but when I go get the teeth pulled on Wednesday, I’m going to ask if there’s any reason I can’t have actual pain medicine, like a goddamned grownup, pretty please. Either way, I’m feeling better, and I know that I’ll be pain free once those teeth are pulled and I finish taking the antibiotics. Then I need to get some sort of dental appliance to replace the missing teeth so I’m better able to chew my food. Getting old rocks!

This has caused the left side of my face to swell up and look puffy! It has rendered me somewhat goofy-looking, but that’s starting to get better too, now that I’ve been taking the antibiotics for a couple of days. 

Few other things of note: yesterday we had a freak heat wave that brought the temperature up to 53 degrees. That was a bit weird, because we’ve entered the period when the high temps almost never get above freezing (like...until March) so it was weird seeing all the permanent ice on the roadsides and trees melt away. Now it’s raining, and even more of the roadside snow is disappearing. I am assured, however, that heavy snow is still to come. We haven’t even had a six-incher yet, and I know they have snowstorms that dump one or two feet. Can’t wait to see that! Now it’s back down to 32 degrees outside and the rain is turning to sleet. I don’t know why I find this fascinating, (well, possibly because of the 48 or so years I spent living on the Sun in Texas) but I do!

This freak heat wave from yesterday has solved one of my biggest problems. For about a month now, my windshield washer fluid was frozen solid. Now that it’s had 36 hours or so above freezing, it’s liquid again. I have therefore, just this morning, gone to Target, where I purchased additional long underwear, and a big bottle of wiper fluid that is specifically formulated not to freeze! I topped off my wiper fluid reservoir with the new stuff, which is orange, and I hope it melts the remains of the frozen blue stuff, and I’m curious what color is going to come out, the next time I use the wiper washers. Yankee problems. That trip to Target was why this morning’s letter was delayed a bit, by the way.

We’ve just had our sixth wedding anniversary! In case you wondered, 6 is the candy anniversary, which feels belittling, and can bite my ass.

I had to replace my wedding ring, but I’ve done so. Someday I’ll find the old one, I hope, but the new one sure looks nice! 

I weighed myself this morning, and it said 240. I now weigh less than Zach, and less than I’ve ever weighed since before high school! Hoo-rah.

The internet says you can buy Midway on DVD as of February 18. Put it on your calendar; on 18 Feb. go to Wal-Mart and grab a copy!

...Stay warm, and all my love! More excitement next week!