#idk i havent been that productive but i am fearful that this is the best i can do LOL

[elytrafemme]

playing a very dangerous game in which i am pleasantly overwhelmed but ambiguously toeing the line towards actually overwhelmed. i've got this <- cannot think about anything for longer than a few minutes

[erght]

today i got another example of why i should just try to do my best and stop overthinking things that would just drag me deeper in this rabbit hole of anxiety. so; earlier this week, i got assigned to join my PM on a meeting to clear things up for our out coming PoC. the meeting has already been arranged since 2 weeks prior cs the time difference between our time and montreal was quite the hinder for both side to compromise. its clear that we should make good use out of it cs anything left unclear would just mean that things would be put on hold till next year.

well; that was the catch but, on the day of the meeting, my PM told me that he was feeling sick and was on nebulizer atm so he told me to take the lead. of course i said roger that and please let me try, but in all honesty, i was trying to face the unknown. i mean; i was about 3 weeks in, i spent my first week on having a handover from they guy who would resign his post, then spent the next week on learning product knowledge, and this week—the third week—right from the bat i was asked to lead an important meeting. also of course; no, not that im making an excuse or seeking for one. im aware that i do know the basic and gist of the scope, but what i didnt know of is the background of this PoC. i just got the brief that it was about the planned integration of our system to their system and we are trying to make sure that it could work by having this meeting. fuck it—i said to myself—i should just try it first cs theres no way i would know things if i didnt try them first and just go with it. 20 minutes in, all went well. i got what he meant from his demo/guide to the integration, but then our IT—who also joined the meeting—sent me his questions by chat so that i could ask them in their stead. here comes the problem; theres a question from him that i didnt know of yet cs its related to our previous project—which obviously takes place way before i got to join the company—and i didnt know where to start with that question. theres quite the awkward silence, and since it was supposed to be on me—by my natural fear if i fuck things up in this important meeting—i started to stutter. oh fuck—i said to myself—i lost my composure, i failed to take the lead. then my PM tried to help me by explaining things by chat—bombarding, to be exact—which was not helpful at all cs my mind was done at that point as my head was filled with oh fuck i failed im doomed the face of our company is on shambles bcs of me blablargh. then i tried to ask them at some point—stuttered—which didnt quite received well by the opposition. at this point my PM chatted me “calm down”; which i replied “give me a sec”, “thank you but im sorry”. then my PM take off his nebulizer and take the lead. 15 minutes later; its done, with uncleared things. we were forced to arrange later meeting when both side got their time on the table. later on, i just got to know by chance that our high ups was also listening to the meeting but by using a separate meet link that was linked to my PM mics. my hells all breaks loose, i spent the rest of the day with headache and a constant silent screams. hm.

later that night; of course by my natural fear of things, i succumbed myself deep in anxiety. from how the next friday would be when it was scheduled for our weekly meet. to how hard i think it was for the sales to catch this foreign client just for me to fuck it up messily. to what should i do if we couldnt get the PoC working by the end of the year. to how busy everyone will be cs next week was our scheduled time for the yearly report to be finalized. to every little things that was fucked up bcs of me. to my own reminder that last week my dad was feeling sick—not covid—but still forcing himself to work instead of going to the hospital for check up. i hate myself more at that point.

later on the next day; i asked my PM, “am i in trouble?”. im prepared for the answer, i just cant help myself not to ask it just for fulfilling my anxiety or tbh to justify my own failure. which he replied; “not at all” “but calm down” “im sorry that im in a bad shape yesterday”, which i replied “im sorry”, with lots of crying emojis cs i dont want to make things even more awkward between us when he told me to just be informal with him when i kept using formal touch in between our talks. he just want to be that guy that his coworker could just laugh when they want to laugh and serious when its needed at times. he also laughs it off and we go on. i felt a bit relieved. but of course the anxiety was there. it persist. later after work; i called my dad, i asked him whether he had done his check up or not. which he said that its okay, that hes okay now, he was just tired that day and his old body just acting up. i kept telling him to just go to the hospital asap when its ever occured again, which he laugh it off. and of course i told him about it cs he somehow sense it out of me. he said “dont be so hard on yourself” “you did your best didnt you” “you did try instead of turning your back didnt you” “its okay to feel that way but that means you know wheres youre lacking at now didnt you” “you got to know whats to improve” “you got to try and face another problem on your way” “think more about the benefit of improvement than thinking the endless bad things out from it” “dont keep them on and brush it off” “now have you had dinner yet? if you havent then order some, order something expensive to treat yourself from trying your best about it then get some good sleep” “it will be okay” “now get your dinner”. so then, i had mine. it was delicious; and of course i cant sleep that well, its a different case than just having a simple dinner, but i got to sleep anyway.

fast foward to this day; our weekly meet, we talk about a lot of things but none of it was about my messed up on lead. she just said that lets do our best again next week, dont stay up late and take your rest properly. idk why; but maybe she had done her talk with my PM about it or about why did he got in such a bad shape that day without me knowing obviously its their talk and not mine. i didnt get the hard slap that i expected. well; maybe its still there, but just on due lmao. its okay. i want to believe that its okay. cs; it is, okay. lets just try our best, me. believe. its our power that no one could do, to ourself, cs we had to believe in ourself first before letting them believe in us. you had to believe in me, i got to believe in you. believe. lets try this.

[ahmuteun]

1-60 pls :)

1. selfie

nah

2. what would you name your future kids?

idk man, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there

3. do you miss anyone?

yeah i do

4. what are you looking forward to?

drinking tonight, if that’s still happening

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

i guess?? 

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

im the wrong person to ask this to lol

7. what was your life like last year?

a hot fucking mess lmao but it was a fun and happy hot mess

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

yeah but i havent done it in a while

9. who did you last see in person?

nikko

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

not a clue tbh

11. are you listening to music right now?

nah, im listening to the h3 podcast

12. what is something you want right now?

HUMMUS 

13. how do you feel right now?

gross lmao

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

like fiveish hours ago

15. personality description

boring, dumb hoe lmao

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't?

im in the process of that rn LOL

17. opinion on insecurities.

everyone has them and they fuckin suck 

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

ummmm no not necessarily. actually i’m pretty happy (generally speaking) with how things are now

19. have you ever been to New York?

yeah, i wanna go again

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

rich brian - history

yoon mirae - her whole gemini 2 album

apink - so sick

i have so many

21. age and birthday?

21 and may 29th

22. description of crush.

blehhhhhhhh

23. fear(s)

idk i dont have many fears

24. height

5′2

25. role model

i dont know lol 

26. idol(s)

i dont have any

27. things i hate

yakking cause of drinking 

expensive gas prices

feelings

tequila

boys being fucking dumb

extreme heat

28. i'll love you if...

u buy me sushi

pls buy me sushi

29. favourite film(s)

the prestige

star wars

indiana jones

marvel movies

idk theres more but these are the ones that come to mind

30. favourite tv show(s)

brooklyn 99

criminal minds

how to get away with murder

greys anatomy

31. 3 random facts

im currently laying in bed

i should be doing productive things and not laying in bed

im sad that im all caught up with brooklyn 99 cause i love that show so much

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

guys

33. something you want to learn

how to not be a piece of fucking garbage

34. most embarrassing moment

i have so many idk

35. favourite subject

math lol

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

graduate

not be broke

pay off debt or die early

37. favourite actor/actress

idk man

38. favourite comedian(s)

bo burnham 

39. favourite sport(s)

i dont have any, i like watching my schools college sports tho. specifically football woooooo

40. favourite memory

idk i have many

41. relationship status

single 

42. favourite book(s)

to kill a mocking bird

the simpsons and their mathematical secrets 

43. favourite song ever

im too indecisive for this

44. age you get mistaken for

it ranges from 18-22 so

45. how you found out about your idol

welp

46. what my last text message says

the last one i recieved says “my kitchen smells like wine and idk why”

47. turn ons

being attractive 

making me laugh

can play guitar/ piano

suits/ ties/ bowties

48. turn offs

bad hygiene 

shitty personality

probably more but idk

49. where i want to be right now

drinking with my mates/ just hanging with them

50. favourite picture of your idol

n/a

51. starsign

gemini

52. something i'm talented at

................ 

i can eat spicy foods lol

53. 5 things that make me happy

my friends

family

my doggy

good wine

brooklyn 99

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

ripping off the bandaid 

55. tumblr friends

am i supposed to list them? i mean if we’ve ever had a convo i consider u a tumblr friend

56. favourite food(s)

KOREAN FOOD 

also sushi

57. favourite animal(s)

my doggo

58. description of my best friend

shorter than me, sweet, thoughtful, adorable, smiley, happy, looks out for me, over all wonderful person 

59. why i joined tumblr

fandoms and memes lol

60. ask me anything you want

welp lolol

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[brokenhayatim]

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit.  the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations. 

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so

[kookno]

70 horrible questions tag

i was tagged by @btees ❤ thanku bab

01: do you have a good relationship with your parents? i have a really good relationship with my parents. My dad and i are more best friends, whereas my mom and i are more a classical mom/daughter relationship. So its different, but good.

02: who did you last say “i love you” to?  victoria @flowercrownyoongi <3 

03: do you regret anything? uhhh yeah there are some things i could probably do better if i had the chance to do it again. But i dont really like to have regrets, because everything u do has a purpose and shapes you, i am the way i am today bcs of mistakes and errors so

04: are you insecure?  im generally quite confident, but ofc i have my moments as well

05: what is your relationship status?  very single, and would very much prefer for it to stay that way, i dont do relationships

06: how do you want to die?  peacefully, when im old. Preferrably never. (if ur a vamp hmu)

07: what did you last eat? chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream

08: played any sports?  HAH [ god laughs in the background ], the only sport i do seriously is alpine skiing. Other than that nou. 09: do you bite your nails?  no

10: when was your last physical fight? never dude. I only fight in the existential metaphorical sense.

11: do you like someone?  machiavelli will always have my heart 12: have you ever stayed up 48 hours?  no i prefer to stay alive

13: do you hate anyone at the moment?  not hate. Have a great distaste towards yes.

14: do you miss someone? not very, jst someone i havent seen in a small while that i always like to meet up w. but im seeing her today. All is good.

15: have any pets?  nah mate

16: how exactly are you feeling at the moment?  fairly content

17: ever made out in the bathroom?  havent made out period. Prefer to keep my tounge in my mouth. Other ppls tounges in their mouths. Mouths are great at that.

18: are you scared of spiders?  ye s. insects in general

19: would you go back in time if you were given the chance?  no only if it was for a brief period of time (bcs im curious about the past), but i much prefer this time

20: where was the last place you snogged someone? never jesus

21: what are your plans for this weekend?  party today, celebratory grad dinner tomorrow

22: do you want to have kids? how many? none. Maybe one.. M ay b e. depends.

23: do you have piercings? how many?  just my ears

24: what is/are/were your best subject(s)?  norwegian, english, chinese, philosophy, religion, social studies, marketing & leadership

25: do you miss anyone from your past?  n ah

26: what are you craving right now?  chocolate milk

27: have you ever broken someone’s heart?  uhyeah. Good couple of times.

28: have you ever been cheated on?  no one has ever had the opportunity.  U kno that meme, no one can cheat on u if ur just never in a relationship. See im an intellectual

29: have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?  never had one;)

30: what’s irritating you right now?  that im stressing over a thing i should not b stressing abt and i know it

31: does somebody love you?  yeah, i think im fairly loved?? Idk. I love myself alot at least. So thats a win

32: what is your favourite color?  midnight blue

33: do you have trust issues?  yes im the: trust no one not even yourself meme . im not That bad just a lil

34: who/what was your last dream about?  my dreams are on fukcing crack i dont even understand them while i have them

35: who was the last person you cried in front of?  uhhhhhhhhhhhh i mean i cry when i laugh but im assuming that doesnt count. I think last time i cried in front of someone was a funeral almost two years ago

36: do you give out second chances too easily?  i dont give out second chances. Im a very tolerant person but when u cross the line u cross the line and after that,.. no

37: is it easier to forgive or forget?  forgive, dont forget

38: is this year the best year of your life?  i think so . im older so im even more independent. Im getting to do alot of cool things, thru work etc. in general i feel more on top of the world. So yeah its been good for now at least

39: how old were you when you had your first kiss?  like i kissed a girl in third grade but idk if that counts

40: have you ever walked outside completely naked?  dude no

51: favourite food?  italian pizza

52: do you believe everything happens for a reason? the world is random and meaningless the only ones designating value are ourselves.

53: what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?  im currently reading a book on the first month of the first world war.. so i read that

54: is cheating ever okay?  no. Relationship is a commitment. If u cant commit then dont be in a relationship

55: are you mean?  not at my core. I think i can accidentally be mean bcs im a bit brash and sometimes a bit overpowering idk. But im p soft (victoria dont read this i never wrote this)

56: how many people have you fist fought?  none

57: do you believe in true love?  no. There r some ppl you get along with. Some people you chose to commit more with. But one tru love bish good luck w that

58: favourite weather?  sunny. Warm but with a mild wind 59: do you like the snow?  its ok for like a couple of days but after a month ur tired. I like it because i can go alpine skiing.

60: do you wanna get married?  platonically mayb

61: is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? as long as its platonic i dont mind

62: what makes you happy?  feeling productive, reading a good book / fic, having an interesting deep discussion with someone, sitting on the bus listening to music, painting, wearing a new outfit, my friends, bts, finding new good tv shows, learning

63: would you change your name?  nah im kinda attached to my name, even though helene doesnt really work in english so i use helen. But i like my name and in english i sound like the tru soccermom i really am. Or the old lady. Im both.

64: would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?  the girl i kissed in 3rd grade? I mean.. sure i could kiss her again it wouldnt really mean much

65: your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?  ok so ive been thru similar scenarios so i will base this on a real life account: tell them i dont feel the same way abt them. Say im flattered but no.  Done.

66: do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?  uhhh idk im mostly.. myself?? So yeah

67: who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?  my dad?

68: who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my dad

69: do you believe in soulmates?  i think there are people who you just have really really good chemistry with, so if you can combine commitment with that, then i think you’re getting somewhere

70: is there anyone you would die for?  nnno. But thats because im terrified of dying. not because i dont love people alot. Dying is my biggest fear. i tag: @flowercrownyoongi @jiminder @jeongokus @taesflower @cuteguk @lil-nenesy @9395x @fylloma  ❤

[msf-diamond-dog]

Same for you, all of them!

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Closed, but not really for any reason.

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

Very vaguely, yes.

(3) Can You Whistle?

No, I’ve stopped trying to learn. I cant do it.

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

Full Power by AC Slater

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

Pretty much and darkish or vibrant blue.

(6) Relationship Status.

Single :C

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

 102 F

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Nope, I dont think I ever wake up cranky.

(9) How Many Followers?

I dont even know.  Half of them are pornbots.

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Gemini

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Brown!

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

Do Monsters count

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yeppers

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

The Last Wish by Andrzej Sapkowski

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

“...somewhat entertaining.”

(16) Favourite Anime?

HmhmH... Probably FMA.

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

Probably my sister. I honestly dont even remember the last time I cried. 

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

Toys and games!

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

Nothing

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

Nah

(21) Favourite Animal?

DOGGOS

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

Nah

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Probably around 1 or 2am.

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

I am not. My sister wanted me to put on mascara today though so we shall see.

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

OCEAN

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

Honestly just all my friends blogs

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Bottled, sadly. The water here tastes horrible. Like drinking a swimming pool.

(28) What Makes You Happy?

Music, people.

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

I dont have any gifs D:

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

I study better without it but Im not gonna turn it off.

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Dogs

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

That shitty gray one that no one uses but it somehow is all dull with the paper all ripped up and it has like a bunch of other colors smashed into the ends

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

Playstation!

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Ocean,

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

Nah

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

A gray Fallout shirt

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue

Yep

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

Both

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Yeah, some headphones

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

No not really.  Nothing new, anyways.

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Nah, I leave them alone. 

(42)Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

I used to be but Im not anymore. 

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Yeah...I only remember bits and pieces of them though

(44)Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

Ive never been on one before

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

A movie has never made me cry before

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Sunflower seeds

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

ZAO and Im gonna see them soon.

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

Not at all.

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Depends on how well my meds work that night

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Hells no, I love it

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

I love to read but Im not a writer.

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

YEAH

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Carve pumpkins.  Im not good at wrapping presents and Ive never carved one before.

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

I Am the Best by 2NE1 (HA)

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Summer

(56)What Are You Craving Right Now?

Affection, quite honestly.

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

Its just a picture of like 6 golden retrievers

(58) What Is Your Gender?

Male

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

I dont know.  I like them both the same.

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

No homework.  Last day of break. :C

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Straight

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

Naw.

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

Cubone and Haunter!

(64) Favourite Social Media?

Tumblr.

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

I dont give a shit?

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

Sometimes. Not often though.

(67) Are You A Virgin?

Yeppers

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Dove

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Depends on where I am.  If its a shady place Id take the hotel. If its decently safe Id sleep in my car.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Yep!

(71) Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

Deadpool 2

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

I dont have an ex.

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

“If you’re scared to do it, then do it scared”

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

I think all eyes are fucking gorgeous but my favorite has dark brown 

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

Swinging is the SHIT.

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

I havent eaten anything today sooo idk.

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Blendoku 2 (my favorite) and Random Heroes 3

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Yeah, why does it matter if theyre homeless?

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

Yeah

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

Nah

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

Yes and no? I like learning about people but I dont like the interaction part.

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

No rings

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Unless its really hot, I sleep with it closed.

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

Woke up, cleaned a bit, played some games.

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Shorts and a tshirt

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

I dont have any.

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

NIGHT

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Fuckin hell, I have too many to list here. 

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

One of my favorite dreams was I was working in a dollar store, and like 4 guys with guns ran in and were like robbing the place and I just looked at them and said “why the fuck would you rob a dollar store?” and they just look at me for a few seconds and then shot me. I had it a few years ago.

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

Dr, Pepper

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Pretty much and percussion/clicky noise.

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans.  I dont even have a pair of sweats.

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

Shitty like usual

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Music

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

First one Im getting is a Maximal insignia.

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

Idk man.

Thank you Jana! C:

[chickenfetus]

softly whispers all for the flower ask

baby’s breath: 5 things you associate yourself with

chickens/eggs

lance lol

cereal….. everyone in class is stealing my trademark…

water

memes

bleeding heart: what makes you heart go mushy?

fuck,,, my fav characters?? and if i like someone then them i guess? but rn my heart belongs to 2d

bell flower: what’s the title of the song that makes you want to jump around out of joy?

mm it changes?? right now its either this cover (its in japanese) or this song (english but its a tad bit scream-y)

evening primrose: what’s your sleeping playlist (give me 5 songs)?

its all soundtracks from anime lmao,, 

from kimi no na wa’s soundtrack we have this, this and this 

from free!’s ost we have this song that killed every mh shipper lol 

and lastly, not from an anime ost, its shelter 

none of these actually help me fall asleep but i like them,, hell i dont think theres any song that can help me fall asleep

forget-me-not: who is your favorite blog who isn’t following you?

miyu//keis does this ensure it doesnt show up i hope it does i recently followed them while lurking in the mi//sawa tag lol theyre a good graphic person??? idk what theyre called;;

daffodil: what is one plant that you want to have but can never get?

the succulent things but i wouldnt be able to care for it bc i succ (perfect match)

calla lily: are you more of a sunny day or a rainy evening?

im a sunny day and rainy evening person… ok maybe sunny day if im not directly under the sun because i do enjoy the sun’s warmth rainy days are nice too,, only if im indoors.. rainy evening is perfect,, as long as no bugs can get it im safe and secure and chill

foxglove: what is your favorite color and in what shade?

blue!!!!! is sky blue a shade

lavender: what is something that you’ve always wanted to be/have/get but can never have?

a cat…..

love in a mist: what is the latest dream that you remember?

ok ive had dreams every night this week but now i cant re oh wait i do remember last night’s dream but only the lame part,, ok so i dreamt i had a 4* hina on bang dream..,,, i dreamt of another thing but i forgot :-( the 4* was indeed a dream though sad i havent gotten a single 4* yet lmao my luck is awesome oh but i did get a 5* and two 4*s on enstars so thats cool

daisy: what is your favorite flavor of cotton candy, ice cream, and juice?

cotton candy,, has flavours????? 

cookies and cream!!

i like water juice

painter’s palette: are you more of a singer, dancer, painter, or instrumentalist?

none??? i guess i paint when i have to although i rly wanna paint but im just a lazy fool

tulip: what is your most favorite make-up product? do you like it more natural, dark, or etc?

i dont use make up i am a youngin also what does the second question say i dont understand

waxflower: are you a bee or a butterfly person? a dog or a cat person?

neither lmao i have a fear of butterflies and bees… bees fear me i fear bees its mutual fear i like cats better but i like dogs too

sugarbush: do you have sweet tooth? if yes, what’s your favorite sweets? if no, why?

yes,,, i was gonna ask if it was even possible to have a favourite but then i remembered i do actually one although its more of a jellybean thing its poifull!!

sunflower: would you like to be a fairy or a mermaid?

mermaid bc i wanna live in the water

sweet pea: what would you like to call your significant other?

ok i just finished acca so naturally i still think abt it and jean called nino his ‘partner in crime’ so nnow i want one (a partner in crime i mean not a nino but thatd b cool 2)

sea lavender: can you swim? which strokes can you do?

yes i havent been in a pool in like 3 years oh boy,, breaststroke is the easiest lmao i forgot how to do any of the others

windflower: list 5 of your favorite blogs and explain why you like them

softshouyous, well i followed her bc she talks in her tags so thats one thing,, shes also super nice?? and helpful!!! a good friend and mutual!!!! im also comfy enough with her to like,, be sarcastic and we can shame each other freely.. without worrying abt offending one another,, theres also the fact that she understands me (ok this may b what i like 2 think and falen actually doesnt get me but its COOL) idk man i just love her,,, my bud whens our one year friendsivary i gotta search that up :0

(i almsot forgot to do the rest go me anyway) next is,, youhavebeentraceyd bc shes one of my first mutuals (sorry to the one who was actually my first) who i actually talked to!!! we both watch daiya and i didnt rly follow anyone who liked daiya previously and oh!! we had the same notps LOL i love tracey’s art and hell i think she dragged me to mochi hell kudos to u tracey idk i jsut enjoy her presence on my dash and get v excited to see her art on there we may not talk as much anymore but i still appreciate her a lot!!! bless u tracey and thank you!!! (for being alive i wish u all the best in life)

alpacarara i like her bc shes basically my tumble mum,, the mum i actually talk to and ask for help/advice she gives good advice too and shes v approachable,,,,,,, a v good friend,,,,,, u r appreciated by me,,,, yes........... shizu chan also appreciates ur existence momther,,,, thakn u 4 all youve done 2 helpme a good pal.... bless u,

clearly these r  getting hard bc my mind is goddamn empty rn but ill manage,, kacchan whose url is not spelt like that but thats ook bc one day it will be but now im starting to think i shouldnt leave it as that bc someones bound to stumble upon this extra post in the kacchan tag goddammit,, annYWay i like kacchan bc theyre friendly! and also v relatable,,,, theyre also kinda scary but thats ok bc its the good kind of scary idk man kacchan is just, great?? we dont talk but thats cool bc ik we’re still friends even if we dont have full blown convos!!!! id b 2 nervous 2 talk 2 them not bc theyre bad or anythign im just a ??? a bad conversationalist and also v lazy ok  thats besides the point i like kacchan bc kacchan is kacchan so??? theyre a good friend and we tag each other in things and i like that friendship its a good type of friendship,,, idkdkdk?? theyre just. chill not literally chill but just chill. this doesnt make sense anymre gomenasorry

lAST ONE uh hhhh every one of my mutual’s blogs why i like all of them?? bc theyre not problematic!! they post good content trademark and r lovely even if we dont talk much!!! i love everyone period

golden rod: are you more of a baker or a cook?

i am more of a Disaster in the kithcen

bloom: what is something that you would like to tell your children?

u guys shld b surprised yall even exist (if i am the True Parent)

if not,, then itd b u guys r with me and my partner in crime,, who is actually a real person,,,,,, be shocked idk im just trying t o make it clear that in the event i do get married id surprise myself bc me/?? have a good and lasting relationship????? impsossible 

peony: what is something that you wish your parents could’ve told you?

they shouldve told me to stick with cereal

prairie gentian: do you have a significant other?

doe s lance count

september flower: are you more of a sunshine or sunset person?

was this supposed 2 say sunrise,,,, anyway sunrise i guess bc im a morning person (when i WILLINGLy wake up by myself) on hot ass days sunset bc then i wont b sweating 24/7

bird of paradise: do you wake up early? do you sleep early?

yEAH LOL i wake up early on weekends bc i want to and i have to wake up early on weekdays so,,, i prefer not to sleep later than 12am bc i am Fear and in the event that i do sleep later than 12 its bc im talkin 2 a friend i like a lot

marigold: what’s your favorite tea?

water tea english breakfast,, havent had that in awhile tho

peruvian lily: what are the names of your pets?

i have non

hyacinth: do you name your plants?

i have nnone but i dont even nickname my pkmn so 

lilac: would you rather sleep and be cozy or hang out with your friends?

depends? on the tme??? if its late at night id rather b asleep and cozy if its in the day then maybe.. .. .

poppy: do you like to dip your fries or do you like it as is?

i like all of my food plain and dry (cereal) unless its noodles,, i need my noodles iin soup

dandelion: any special talent that you have?

drinking water

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

[smallblanketfort]

i'm so excited to see u back. and i'm excited to read stories and see art. i hope you don't mind if i send in anons too. could i have a cool anon name? would you mind if i made this a safe place again? for me to be soft and pretentious and vulnerable? also i want some... advice? idk. what are your best ways to combat depression that makes u unmotivated? like can't get out of bed unmotivated? and how do u create when scared? really just. mainly i don't know how to cope. thank u - sunflower anon

people say that depression is that you hate life and hate yourself and don't want to live but man. i love life soooooo much. it's so beautiful. like it's shitty. but still. i just am too scared and unmotivated to go and see it. i'm too scared to create i'm too scared to see things and talk to people and look at the beauty and i'm far too unmotivated and that's one of my biggest problems. idk what i'm ON about i just have had an awful day i hope ur ok with me venting 

ok ok one last thing feel free to answer these all in one post, if u can. i have constant dissatisfaction. i used to write. when i'd get upset i'd write everything that's wrong and find a conclusion. and that was good and still is sometimes but i'm very sensitive. and i LOVE when i can understand things. but lately i just haven't been able to understand. it's been really confusing nd i can't understand what's happening with myself and others and i hate it. it makes my chest hurt 

please. ily. it’s yours. do with this blog as you will.

i ended up writing a lot (too much?) so

(im bolding things after writing this, bc i just wrote waaayy too many words to say very few things. so im not trying to be pretentious, mostly just pointing out to myself that i only needed a sentence per paragraph. anyway.)

tbh this is literally so relatable, i found myself driving circles around a parking lot wondering if i could move somewhere that would bring me satisfaction. if i could move to nashville or san diego or portland or nyc and get a good job like the one i have now, if i went to more concerts and went on more hikes, and if maybe the sky or the different scent of air would make everything better. cause there are places in which im happy to be alive, and i want to be, and i appreciate these things. but really, im still going to be me, it doesnt change that i was at my lowest in malibu. i am what i am. the thought of the future is terrifying bc i have so much i want to accomplish, but i am terrified bc i know i don’t have the energy or willpower. i want to crawl out of my skin. anyway,,

personally, i am very Bad with motivation. i have many projects im dying to finish, but two years later, im still thinking about them. the time elapsed feeds anxiety... the more i leave, the more i still want to crawl out of my skin. so this is how i get things done: they’re have-to’s. the only reason i am able to get out of bed is because my job depends on it. bc my parents will be Disappointed. bc graduating college depends on it. there is no beauty behind me getting to things. it’s all fear, but some fear saves me. i have to let it settle over my shoulders, and just when i feel like i am breaking, to switch my brain off and shove up, even if it’s breaking my heart. (i write this on a monday night, i have midterms this week including a 12 page research paper due and i havent started even choosing a topic. and so i sit here. writing about finding motivation. yep.) for some people, it’s getting a pet to have to get up and take care of. forcing yourself to make plans and keep them bc they will be hurt if you cancel. sometimes it’s anger. when i am angry, i know i need to use the energy or i will end up raging and breaking things, so i clean everything. 

so perhaps making creative moments “have-to”s. i recently read someone saying they write for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening and it made me realize i dont have a “i dont have time” excuse. write something. anything.

so really just. do. it. do the thing. 

sometimes maybe it’s in acceptance. acknowledging that this wont be the moment you get a ton done or come to an understanding about xyz. and saying that it’s okay. you’re enough. celebrate every tiny victory. sometimes i fall too hard into that, so sometimes i try to keep even my passive times productive. for example, when i scroll tumblr mindlessly, i tag posts according to the creative concepts i have floating around. for example, i have a story i want to write, and i’m tagging everything that fits the aesthetic or serves as inspiration with “n”. makes me feel productive. here, i have opportunities like this, to think through my actions and the way i work. makes me feel like i’m thinking.

also accept that sometimes you wont come to a conclusion, or maybe your creative endeavor is going to turn out like shit. give yourself that permission. to create shitty art sometimes. also !! this quote !!!

my last thought is feeling like you have an audience. like you wrote a nice chunk for me. keep writing on blogs and social media and to people you value. i have two friends with whom i can discuss anything, particularly things that contribute to identity or worldview etc. and those late night text conversations, or simply sharing a screenshot, can help me to keep thinking and coming to understandings. similarly, podcasts and npr. sometimes listening is easier than reading.

over all tho, just generally take care of yourself. make sure you’re eating/sleeping/moving. treat yourself gently. you have time. it’s okay.

i would really really like to hear what other people say tho, bc i clearly have no answers. i feel very stuck and nervously so. it makes my skin crawl, so any others’ thoughts are very welcome :) and do come back, sunflower.

[horsebitesfence]

On Chronophobia and ADHD – RB with Hestia Peppe

RB: hey, i think i just self-diagnosed with ADHD, am i right in thinking that's something you know about? would welcome any recs you might have for reading/resources

.

RB: (it would explain so muchhhh)

.

RB: (also wondering about the rel between ADHD and trauma)

.

HP: Oooh yes! ADHD is definitely the errr paradigm I am working with right now if that's a way to think about it.

.

HP: I am actually amazed by how practically useful it has been to think in these terms.

But I will say in terms of research/resources stuff is thin on the ground and mixed up with a lot of neurocognitive research which i find quite dodgy in places, not to mention the (very american) pharmaceutical agenda.The best stuff i found has been self advocacy descriptive personal account stuff, and that has been very much a process of reading between the lines.

Basically, people with ADHD tend to at least appear quite ‘high functioning’ (not an ideal phrase because hierarchies) so go undetected often, and then its very very stigmatised, i would say, in that often symptoms or traits are judged in moral terms. The most important sort of secondary ideas i have found are about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and anxiety as a hugely comorbid secondary issue which is more likely to be treated than the ADHD itself.

The relationship to discipline and goal-setting is formative, as is chronophobia or a traumatised relation to time, and sometimes memory. The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so process is more fulfilling than completion of work; but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

.

HP: As far as its relation to trauma goes, i would say it probably renders us more vulnerable to CPTSD. Lack of diagnosis or 'management' of ADHD leads to problematic coping mechanisms, leading possibly to abusive or addictive behaviours or on the other end vulnerability from a lack of or funky interpersonal boundaries. But whether anything is causal/symptomatic or comorbid seems always particularly hard to tell with ADHD, partly because of the non-typical relation to time.

HP: The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so [that] process is more fulfilling than completion of work, but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

.

HP: On the plus side, [my] university and NHS [practitioners] have both been really encouraging about seeking help for it and getting a psychiatric diagnosis, which i am interested in, tho will no doubt have its downsides.

Most important, i think, is that mental health problems are treated in the context of ADHD as a constitution, rather than [in isolation], and i think that would go for trauma stuff too. Apparently ADHD folks have less success with SSRIs than others.
I think a body focused/somatic approach [is] v. v. productive, for both ADHD and trauma.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria [also] seems key. It’s the idea that the emotional impact of rejection is almost irrationally high in many ADHD folks, but [then again] this may be a traumatised relation from the stigma of ADHD, and literally being reprimanded more often than neurotypical folks, rather than being an essential difference. So if there's an interaction with trauma specific to ADHD it might be related to emotional response to external stimuli being higher.

.

RB: gosh, yea.

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HP: Sorry so much.

.

RB:  Wondering how receptive my gp would be to my requesting an adult diagnosis

.

HP: My GP was like ‘yes, will refer u immediately’, but that’s with a recommendation from an Ed Psych which uni paid for. *UPDATE: NHS maybe aren’t doing this as quickly as i thought, so it remains to be seen if they follow through; and university seems to just be sending me through as many hoops as possible, lots of assessments, minimal support systems.

.

RB: ok

.

RB:  i saw this on Twitter – ‘ADHD Explained Using Comics’ by Dani Donovan,1

and, like, so much of it is me. ,2So much. idk what chronophobia is but def. have weird relationship with time. Very weird.

.

HP:  I have sort of made up chronophobia but am sure its a thing.

..

RB: 'comorbidity'

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RB:  i feel lost in time.

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HP: It seems to me the best stuff around is DIY stuff exactly like the comics u link to

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RB: also – trouble starting anything; trouble finishing without hard external deadlines – so me.

 .

RB: why i never write

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HP:  I think these are like the defining traits tbh

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RB: even tho i want/need to be writing

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RB: + procrastinating

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HP:  Comorbidity is the creepiest word

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RB: as described ^^

HP:  Same!

RB: do u medicate for it, may i ask? seems like mindfulness / meditation cld really be helpful

RB:  i had an insane year on citalopram

HP: In America they see it as essential to medicate for it from a v early age but i am like v v v skeptical

.

RB: sertraline seemed better

.

HP:  I took Prozac for 5 years; it didn’t do much except make me sleepy and a bit ok with shit life, but for ADHD it’s Ritalin or Vyvanse, so treatment with low constant dose of stimulants (*sometimes also something called dopamine blockers, but I don't know the details).

RB: ok; so, like coffee? just on my risky 2nd cup.

HP:  I dont myself want this prescription.

HP:  Am sure mindfulness etc v. good, but i do think body-focused methods best.

RB: ok

HP: I read this Twitter by Erynn Brook (sp?), and she advocates meds but also talks a lot about building in good coping mechanisms like how you organise yrsrlf in space/time in ways that work for u.

RB: yea; more interested in strategy

HP: So yeah strategy v. key.

RB: hey thanks so much, also in as much as i may unconsciously have posited u as gatekeeper. couldn’t have hoped for a more helpful reply.

HP: No worries! It’s good talking to other people about it cos the grand narrative of it is well shaky

HP: One thing i have worked out is that it’s all just emerging now so u can’t really gatekeep it, thank fuck. Glad to be helpful always. Check out Erynn Brook and remember being kind to yourself cos probably u havent been being if u just got to this point.

[time passes]

RB: hey, i'd really like to hear a bit more about your thinking on chronophobia;

it stayed with me as a strong motif.  felt so 'full' when you said it it took me a while to realise i hadn't asked u to describe it.

HP: Yes I would love to see you and talk about all this stuff. I have thoughts tjoughts thought ... Google searching ‘Chronophobia’ brings up this book from MIT about art in the 60s:

https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/chronophobia. It appears to be also a term in use in psychology/self help; is in wiktionary, and appears to mean the obvious: fear of the passing of time. Associations with incarcerated people, particularly, suffering from it and also anyone suffering from heightened stress and anxiety. Searching chronophobia + ADHD, there are plenty of hits, so, again, this seems a well-made connection. I’m also thinking about ‘Chrononormativity’, an idea i was first introduced to by my friend Helen Stuhr Rommereim, and which I think she gets from Elizabeth Freeman (possibly via Lauren Berlant), in relation to ‘queer time’ or a failure to achieve normative milestones in the time allotted, such as maturity, childbearing, marriage. Her paper on this is included in the documentation of a conference about Chris Kraus we both attended in 2013, which is where we met as we were on the same panel. 3

HP: Context in my work right now – all of this to do with ideas about speculation, past/present/future, chance/fate, resistance to goal/plan/target, not knowing what to do.

I’m currently doing some early/cursory research into the mythology of the fates (Ancient Greek and other cultures) as spinners, and thread as line; trying to parse linearity and how it might or might not relate to neurodivergence/neurotypicality. I like lines as a way of following or tracing, and also drawing as well as writing –thinking a lot about the work of Renee Gladman, who is interested in architecture and fiction (prose architectures), and works with drawing and writing and the relation between the two – so, also automatic and asemic writing. I also think a lot about Ariadne’s red thread in the labyrinth, and now that i am trying to learn to spin, how all threads are made of many tiny ones. This trying to spin has grown out of an old durational performance work i have done for years – so, durational performance, as a form, is part of this, maybe, for me. I always like the durational form, as it is more about setting up boundaries in space and then letting time happen than [it is about] existing in linear time. Chronophobia as anxiety about mortality, and control, or volition/agency; or the trace of subjectivity in the world (cf maybe tim ingold). Also, there are two types of time in the classical sense: Kairos (the now) and Chronos (history), or something like that.  None of this is fact-checked, I must say.Tarot cards relating to time are: wheel of fortune, temperance, death, the hanged man.

HP: Not sure i am doing this right, but thought some context to the earlier conversation might be useful for orientation, at the same time as thinking about my own self-diagnosis of ADHD and how it relates to knowledge and action and intention and access. Not sure if you saw this on my Twitter, but I thought it was a very good overview of neurodiversity discourse as it stands: https://www.janinebooth.com/content/two-and-half-cheers-neurodiversity

RB: Thanks. You’re doing this very right, I’d say.  Like somewhere back in the transcript there is a ‘gosh, yea’ of mine which stands in as a marker for the point at which my mind was blown, began to make new neural connections, bathed in a sort of speechless radiant awe for what you said; and this feels the same only more so, galaxy brain in mandelbrot – only grounded in and by your efforts to verbalise it and connect it with your work and that of others. That this is what you’re working on for your doctorate – I am awed and excited to know it. I would really like to be present when you perform.  I’m really impressed by your articulation. I feel such a relieved shock of recognition for chronophobia as you describe it, as something I had begun to acknowledge and articulate internally, but never outside myself, verbally or otherwise; nor had any inkling that it might be tangled up with ADHD ... nor that it is something other people experience or know about, nor that you are working on it in this profound way. I feel less alone and am honoured that you shared this here with us.

RB: Also – ehheh!  I saw today that we both liked this tweet

RB: Another highlight, for me, of today’s feed –

RB: I’m always keen for writers’ writing on technique, scanning in case I find a key there to my own outward articulacy and/or the means to vanquish distraction/avoidance. Just remembered when the poet Lucy Mercer said to me that as a writer, I’m a weaver. I was happy with that then and I am happy with it here, in this context. 4

HP: Hey! This is all so kind of you to say I am sort of overwhelmed. I can't believe i have even been paid for this already, so shout out to that. I made up chronophobia because  i wanted a way to describe my fear of time. I dont think it was really to talk to anyone else about it. I looked it up afterwards when I mentioned it to you I guess i have really let you have it with the inner monologue. I looked it up after I mentioned it to you. I figured that this had, you know, happened before, that other people would already be using this word. And they are. As a sort of intra-post-script, it is important to say that in terms of ADHD I came to this knowledge or understanding after like 12 years working as a private tutor, and without the students I worked with in that time I don’t see how I would have got to this articulation, so immense gratitude and respect to them for the thinking we did together about how thinking and learning work for different people.

HP: I was going to email you and ask for a deadline today but in the end i didn't write any emails because i was just spinning yarn on the wheel. It’s an amazing process learning to do it. Like a truly never-has-to-end embodied action. I think it could be the best way to replace some obsessive Twitter scrolling. My dad totally gets it. He says singing while spinning, that's the thing, he's heard. I learnt how to learn things from him mostly. I think maybe both my folks have ADHD. It’s supposed to be super heritable.

HP: My mum's a doctor. That's maybe where I get the cavalier attitude to discussing stuff like this you are supposed to be an expert to be allowed to think about. I am absolutely not an expert except perhaps of my own experience. Which this is, but but i push it, i know that. tho I don’t want the meds, I absolutely want to stress i am not like totally against meds. Chemicals are fine and good. Like coffee or you know whatever works. I am just in favour of people being given the best possible understanding of any treatment they undergo. I feel like i wanna unwind my own coping mechanisms like manually. Maybe that's a perk of late diagnosis – for me, anyway.

HP: I have to stop now. I am in a park and it’s dark now. I was sitting in the park cos i was an hour early to get a lift from my friend because i was so worried about being late. It’s perfect timing though. If you like sitting in parks watching orange street-lamps through blossom as if they are the sunset like some kinda shook moth. Which I do. And then type super fast into a phone cos you know someone asked.

HP: Thanks xx

RB: <3

RB: Thank you

1 –   https://Twitter.com/danidonovan/status/1100414551932030984

2

3 (http://www.metamute.org/editorial/books/you-must-make-your-death-public-collection-texts-and-media-work-chris-kraus )

4 mercer | ˈməːsə | noun British, chiefly historical a dealer in textile fabrics, especially silks, velvets, and other fine materials. (Oxford English Dictionary Version 2.3.0 (203.16.12))

[americasferrera]

1-100???

danggggg okay !!

1. Name? Leeanne!!

2. Age? almost 15 yaaaa

3. City that you live in? not city but i live in texas

4. What do most people not know about you? i’m emo af lol

5. What do most people know you for? idk im boring ):

6. Hobbies? singing, acting, and writing !!

7. What are your passions? same as above

8. What do you search for in a significant other? i mean i havent been with u kno,,, a significant amount of ppl so im not sure. but someone who cares about me and wants me to be happy but also knows when to tell me if i need to tone it down.

7. What are you most proud of? my growth as a person !

8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love? today.

9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it? i collected rocks when i was younger 

10. List 10 things off of your bucket list. 1. meet at least one of my favorite celebrities. 2. write a full book. 3. go to a pride event. 4. perform an original song. 5. direct a feature. 6. attend a broadway show. 7. dye my full head of hair. 8. come out. 9. travel the world. 10. learn yoga.

11. What was the last thing you learned? lips are soft and super nice especially when they are pressed against your own lips

12. How many relationships have you been in? 2.

13. Turn ons? im not gonna do like sexual ones bc im fuckin 9 but i find girls with dark hair and tatoos and theyre like tough but super sweet too attractive

14. Turn offs? people who are just over the top obnoxious and rude

15. Favorite food cheese omg

16. Favorite drink literally water

17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received? idk ):

18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic? internally pessimistic, externally optimistic

19. Do you sleep during class? no!!!

20. What is the most expensive thing you own? myself, i cost so much to maintain smh

21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own? uhh 

22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone? too many im a slut for attention

23. Text or call? depends on who it is ! 

24. Opinion on long distance? do whatever makes you happy.

25. What is your definition of success? being happy.

26. Favorite song? feeling good by nina simone.

27. Favorite artist? red hot chili peppers.

28. Celebrity crush/crushes? katie stevens, laura prepon, elise bauman

29. When was the last time you read for fun? today

30. Favorite flower? tiger lily!!!

31. What is the best gift you could receive right now? idk

32. Any guilty pleasures? fuckingfd twilight kmskskmskms

33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself? to be more physically attractive and healthy also mentally too 

34. What do you search for in a friend? memes.

35. How many times have you said “I love you” in the past month? a lot, i say it a lot.

36. Where did you last go other than your room/home? school ew

37. Why do bad things happen to good people? if only good things happened to good people then they wouldn’t be good anymore.

38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye? both fuckin hurt man.

39. How many green shirts do you own? 0 lmao

40. Do you like anime? only sailor moon (and corey in the house obvi)

41. What do you invest the most time in? school u g h

42. What was the name of the last book you read? milk and honey

43. What’s the difference between loving and liking someone? liking someone is enjoying their company. love is a want, a need, an ache. this goes for platonic and romantic.

44. Where are you most productive? when i’m inspired

45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends. idk watching movies, hanging out, and just being memes.

46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone. lots of things lol, but watching tv, reading, and singing.

47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist? i hope

48. Do you have any allergies? im not allergic to anything

49. When was the last time you cussed at someone? at someone? idk

50. What was the last promise you made? to be there.

51. What was your last dream about? idk it was wild i cant explain

52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be? my best friends and my mom

53. How many countries have you visited? t h i s  o n e 

54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.) music for sure!!! but i do love them all tbh (:

56. When was the last time somebody complimented you? earlier today

56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself? i mean. ive looked ina fucking mirror.

57. Do you consider yourself mature? idk

58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr? ew probably a lot

59. What is your favorite quote? one i read today in milk and honey was “an alcoholic parent does not exist, simply an alcoholic who could not stay sober long enough to raise their kids” and it hit too close to home lmaooo

60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be? i wouldnt.

61. What is your greatest accomplishment? i was once ranked first out of like 100 girls for choir so that was cool!!!

62. Do you believe in the death penalty? i have mixed feelings on it.

63. What are your goals for life? to be truly happy with who i am.

64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now? idk man

65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world. hogwarts!! or in the tardis with the doctor idk. in the real world probably new york city !

66. What were you like in 2013? oh my lord i was like obsessed with unicorns god bless my soul

67. Do you have a job? nooooo just school smh

68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend. okay not my childhood best friend but her sister. we would play “boyfriend/girlfriend” and i’d pretend to be the boyfriend and “drive” her places and kiss her on the cheek like what kina gay ass shit…

If you could change one thing about society,what would it be? one?? idk if i could pick just one

How many all-nighters have you pulled before? a lot probs 

71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website? tumblr or youtube idk

72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars? the real question is what w o u l d n t i do

73. Does money equal happiness? no but money can make u happy

74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime? idk im happy a lot so probably a lot!!!

75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime? a lot too lmao

76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told? my life

77. When was the last time you looked at the news? today

78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say? hi

79. What is your favorite animal? c a t s

80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it? wtf yes actually idk would my family know i was pretending

81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at? idk everone is different but mostly like public speaking

82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get? like 9:30-10:30 n like 8-9 hours 

83. Does age necessarily equal maturity? no

84. What is your favorite clothing store? maurice’s

85. In the winter- beanies or gloves? gloves

86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail? wings

87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it? idk

88. What do you fear the most? failure, sponsored by mental illness^tm

89. How many digits of pi can you recite? only like 10 smh how sad ):

90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be? probably my 8th grade year

91. Describe yourself in one word. anxious

92. Describe your last victory. fun and scary but also awesome

93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen? AHHH

94. What is something you will never forget? her

95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail? second one i guess.

96. Have you ever broken a bone before? surprisingly, no

97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody? hate imo

98. Coffee or tea? tea obvi

99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way? music, cats, writing

100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today? i spent like fuckin 2 just trying to write this thing smh

this thing took me 5evr somebody better have actually read it i s2g

[hoechlindimples]

I’m back! I’m back with part two of my March faves! The procrastinator in me had to physically fight the urge to say, ‘meh, does it matter too much if my March faves go up in April?” , but here I am! Actually finishing something! I’m sure my uni seminar leaders would be very proud whilst also being a tad annoyed that I can’t apply the same motivation to my law coursework.

So, let’s get back into it!

– NARS RADIANT CREAMY CONCEALER –

NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer in Chantilly

As a huge lover of all things NARS I decided it was time to put their products to the test and try out one of the make up items I am truly fussy about- concealer. Before purchasing this I hadn’t actually heard any of the hype surrounding it (sometimes uni life leaves little time to stare longingly at peoples makeup collections on youtube, boo hoo) so it came as a lovely surprise when I found out just how great it was. I decided to go for the shade Chantilly, the palest shade in their range. I know what you’re thinking, am I really that white? Well, no. When I Said I was looking for a concealer, I was looking for a concealer that would brighten up my dull as hell skin and give me what I deem a natural glow, especially under the eyes. Now don’t worry, it’s not so white that I look like I’m half way to applying a face full of vampire makeup, with a little blending it’s a lovely light colour, perfectly brightening my under eye area and staying on practically all day with a little setting powder dusted on top!

One of the things that really impressed me with the NARS concealer was the vast range of colours available. They seem to have really hit the nail on the head! Don’t get me wrong, brands like MAC have been paving the way for shade diversity since I can remember (Yes, I’m 20, so not too long), but your usual high end brands such as Bobbi Brown have been severely lacking. I tried to find my shade with Bobbi Brown only to be told by the assistant that they didn’t do a shade as light as my ghostly complexion.

Now, onto my main love for this. The texture! I suppose it’s pretty obvious, being the name of the product and all but wow, the Radiant Creamy Concealer reeeeeally is creamy. It’s such a unique consistency when compared to any other brands I’ve tried, including my holy grail the Urban Decay Naked Skin Concealer. Not only is it super soft to the touch but it also feels light and airy, something I havent experienced much before. The creaminess makes it peeerfect to blend, it’s so easy and looks fab. The NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer really does live up to it’s name! So creamy that it’s a delight to work with and just radiant enough to give you a beautiful natural and healthy glow. I highly recommend giving it a try!

p.s Little tip, I also think NARS’ Chantilly would make a great contour colour for you girls with a slightly darker skin tone!

– LAURA MERCIER MATTE RADIANCE BAKED POWDER –

  So, this is probably going to be the shortest description of a product I’ve ever ever given. Purely because all I can really say is it’s the best powder highlight I have ever used. This shade is in Highlight 01 and it’s basically my all time fave beauty product in the world right now. I wish I’d have swatched it because you really can’t see a glow in the above picture, but i promise you, never have I seen such a lovely sparkly highlight. If you’re not a fan of the glittery highlight, then maybe this isn’t for you, but if you’re after that instagram glow just like me then you’re onto a winner! 100% better than the Hourglass Ambient Lighting Powder, something I was super excited to try only to be hugely unimpressed when comparing the two! If that isn’t enough already, this product goes on fantastically, with only a little product being used you can still get a gorgeous highlight so you wont be getting through the powder too quickly! Lastly, it stays on perfectly. I put this on in the mornings before work or uni and even after an 8 hour day I can still see that glow. You guys need this product in your lives!

– NYX ANGEL VEIL PRIMER –

Holy Guacamole this stuff is good. Despite a weird liquidy texture that occurs whenever I don’t shake the product (idk), when it does come out, it’s great. As someone with combination skin, this primer is really great for my oily areas, it’s as though it soaks up the excess oil and smoothes out every pore whilst it does it. As it says on the packaging, it’s “skin perfecting” something I think I can atest to! My redness seems to reduce and my skin appears smooth. If I was to compare it to any other primer on the market I’d compare it to Loreal’s Infallible primer, a product that’s really great for making your skin looks its best before foundation. I even wear this on it’s lonesome it’s that good! My pores look smaller and any discolouration fades.

In reference to helping your makeup stay on longer, it also ticks the box. I’d even go as far to say that it beats Loreal’s concealer when it comes to longevity. With my skin type, foundation tends to completely slide off throughout the day no matter the brand, but with this applied underneath, the staying power really seems to improve!

– BENEFIT BROW ZINGS –

Ok, so I fully admit that when it comes to brow products, I am the fussiest person on earth. We all know how important brows are nowadays and how having a strong brow seems to be more important that how well you preform at work. Basically, you gotta look after those eyebrows! I’m a big fan of the natural look, therefore always on the lookout for a product that can help me achieve that. For a little advice, I made my way to my local Benefit counter – I’m not always a huge fan of makeup counters and the way they do makeup, sometimes I find it far too heavy and cakey, but Benefit really are great when it comes to brows. She matched my shade and talked me through the products. As a girl with the darkest brows known to man, it was recommended that I try a wax and powder, (something I’d steered away from for a really long time in fear of looking too fake) pencils just weren’t enough on these bad boys!

What I love about this product is the brush that comes with it! (shock horror, someone loves an applicator that comes included with a product!) Not only is it handy enough to fit inside but it’s super precise! The angled end is perfect for helping to achieve a precise, sharp arch. Just how I like it. There’s also the added benefit of the rounded end, this is the end I use for the powder. The product stays on the applicator really well and seemingly clings to the bristles, meaning you hardly have to use any product, something I’m a huge fan of considering I hate hate hate having to repurchase so quickly!

One thing I will say about the product is that despite the perfect colour match, intensity and naturalness, it does sometimes have a tendency to smudge! If you can ignore the slight possibility of having your eyebrows smudge half way up your face after a gym session, then I’d say go and give it a go!

Again, if you made it this far, thank you so  much for reading!

xoxo, Liana

My Monthly Faves – March pt 2 I'm back! I'm back with part two of my March faves! The procrastinator in me had to physically fight the urge to say, 'meh, does it matter