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happymissy · 4 years

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Happy 2021! I’m just using these photos that my friend and i took this month, a day before I went to Manila to fix some things so I can FINALLY graduate on March! I’ve back read my old blog posts from before and I noticed that for the past 3 years, I only posted like once a year just to update you guys on what’s happening with my life. I mean, it’s not like I still have readers on this blog, but it’s nice to have something to look back on from time to time. I remember making a post before that I should update more on my actual diary than this actual blog because someday, tumblr will be gone and everything I ever worked on to post about, will be deleted. Well, let me tell you guys something, my aunt threw away all my journals from when I was in elementary until I was 18! I was devastated. But anyway, yeah, I’ll try to update this more and more!

So... 2020 huh? What a year!

Let me start from the top! I started the year with a broken heart and I remember being so sad that whole month because aside from being heartbroken, I felt like I was stuck, like I was in some sort of constant loop with my days. I would wake up really early because my aunt’s house is somewhere deep deep inside a subdivision of Greenwoods Pasig and getting out of there was hassle af especially if you’re a normal civilian like me who’s broke, doesn't have a car, and relies on the commuting system of the Philippines to get to literally anywhere. And then spend 10 hours at work because I was catching up with my OJT hours that would’ve been finished earlier if I just went to work everyday. Then I would spend hours in line for UV rides and another hour stuck in traffic during rush hour, AND THEN another 1 hour waiting in line for the tricycle to greenwoods and actually getting in. I was mentally drained. The city life isn’t for me, well at least the Philippine City life isn’t. Despite being sad and exhausted almost everyday, I couldn’t see my college friends because my ex lived with them and I can’t bare to see him be okay while I was dreading my life.

Then February arrived and I met up with someone from Bumble for the first time, it was a mutual from twitter. It was a new thing for me, like, using a dating app? Flirting with someone I didn’t know, meeting up, and then sleeping with them. So what happened was, your girl got attached! I was so used to guys taking me seriously me all the time that I fooled myself thinking that he was the one for me. Lmao, that cycle continued until I got used to it and I just realized that I wouldn’t and shouldn’t expect a real relationship come out of a dating app. Anyway!!! Bullet form for the summary of quarantine!

Feb ended

March happened

COVID-19 happened

Stuck in quarantine in Baguio, felt like shit.

Learned a few tiktok dance

Watched a few netflix series, movies, and animes

Started an alter account in May because I WAS BORED AS HELL

Found out I can earn money by having guys simp over me

WHAT THE FUCK

I earned more money in 1 week than I ever did in a month, working!

WHAT THE FUCK 2.0

Did that part time through out the whole quarantine.

Spent a shit ton of money on Shopee! I was overwhelmed that I was finally able to afford everything I wanted growing up lmao.

Discord saved my sanity throughout the lockdown.

Met Thana on there, he gave me his udemy account so I can study flutter and web development so I’ll have a proper job once I graduate! Bless himm <3

I TURNED 23!!! I made that blink-182 cake hehe:

Went back to Dagupan to finish my OJT hours.

I was finally able to afford a laptop (AFTER 7 YEARS!)

BRO I bought a Macbook Pro 2020 512GB, that’s how much money I get to earn as a SW! WHAT THE FUCK 3.0

Didn’t tell my dad what the fuck i’ve been up to with my life because how would i explain to him where I got all the money from. Besides, I wouldn’t reside to being a SW if he was supporting me financially. I’ve been paying and working for my own stuff and allowance ever since I stepped to college.

Mom and brother are curious where I get my money and I’d just answer secret and they’d just shrug it off because they know how much bullshit we got with our life.

I’ve just been hanging out with my friends almost every day ever since I got back to Dagupan and just drinking, eating, throwing up, and playing Among Us. Taking all the time I lost and squeezed them right in before 2020 ends.

Joined the Corpse Fandom, one of the things that legit made me feel alive after how many years!

So yeah, that’s basically it. By the way, I’m not planning on continuing my ‘job’ right now. I’ll be quitting soon because it really takes a toll on you. Being paranoid about my privacy and how people can expose me, being sexually harassed every single day, irl friends and mutuals recognizing me, and just basically being addicted to the attention I’m getting for the wrong reasons. Hopefully, I’ll graduate and actually find a decent job. I hope this covid thing will end soon. I also hope the current president can like, die. lol

Also, I’ve been studying Web Development for a while now and so much has changed with the CSS things! Who knows, I might finally be able to change my theme after idk 6 years! Some links and photos on my theme don’t work anymore lmao!

#journal #me #shots

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littlemulattokitten · 6 years

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Dating App Conundrums

Alright so I’ve been planning to do this for a while, and may make a thing out of it just to chronicle the adventure from single to hopefully not, but who knows.

Basically I decided to research a few dating apps and try them out, since I’m the type of person who’s content to stay home, but also only likes going out with a friend or small group (not alone) - therefore my chances of meeting people are probably in the negatives without dating services like the ones I’m currently on.

This post will probably end up being both a review of some of these apps as well as a master shitpost detailing the adventures of a straight female attempting to find a straight male to date online. And I know Tumblr well enough that at least half the people who read this will have yet another reason to be proud of their not straight orientation. Because good fucking lord the nonsense I’ve seen.

Storytime begins below the cut. This isn’t going to be short. That’s your warning. It will probably be funny at some points though. It’s funny to live it, at least. And I may break it into parts, Idk yet.

Let’s get a few things out of the way first.

Until this experiment, I’d never used dating apps ever. I knew of them. Hated them on principle (dislike them even more now, but we’ll get into that later) and wanted nothing to do with them. I knew a few people who were happily married to a Match.com or OKCupid match but aside from that – I’d never even downloaded Tinder like everyone else I knew in HS and college.

I haven’t actually dated anyone since my first semester of college. On purpose. I broke off my engagement to my elementary school sweetheart (thankfully we are still good friends and our friendship recovered from that near disaster) and I just wanted to focus on myself for a while.

The small handful of relationships I have had that lasted longer than 6 months taught me a lot about what I want in my ideal mate. The one or two less-than-6-months-barely-relationships I had in high school taught me A LOT about what I will never put up with from people.

My “type” isn’t reflective of my dating history. I’ve gotten to the point with these apps where I’m combining their shallow-indorsing metrics with my own personal preferences. Basically going through an aesthetic checklist then scanning through their profile to see if the actual person is equally pretty.

Spoiler, I have to swipe left A LOT.

I’m a very particular person. I’m very introverted and I hate when someone makes conversation harder than it has to be. I can hold a conversation. I just refuse to be the only one putting effort into it. (This makes more sense later)

I’m beyond fed up with dating app culture but my perfect or close enough to perfect guy has gotta exist so most of my accounts will remain I fucking guess.

I’m not necessarily looking for Mr. Forever. I’ll gladly keep him if I find him, but I’m also not looking for a relationship that I know will be temporary. I don’t do things by halves. I want something solid, whether it lasts forever or not depends on a lot of things.

I CAN’T EMOTIONALLY MULTITASK. I can really only give one person my full interest and attention at a time, which doesn’t bode well for these apps bc you gotta be able to bounce form one to the next no matter how excited you were about someone. These apps fucking suck.

Okay. Now let’s begin properly.

I started with Bumble. Yes. I know. Introverted female starting on a dating app that requires her to make the first move. That can’t go badly right.

I damn near have a panic attack every time I get a match I stg. Anyway.

I was skeptical at first. I’m not huge on people knowing a lot about me from the outset (or I wasn’t - i give so much less of a fuck now bc it makes almost no difference on these things) so my profile was pretty threadbare and cold. Now, a few weeks later, my profile is an efficient snapshot with a splash of Slytherin “Don’t fucking test me.”

Did I mention I’m an INTJ Scorpio? Yeah my entire approach is gonna scream that and my Hogwarts house, just you wait.

Round 1 ~ Bumble 🐝🍯

Okay so Bumble is interesting. For those who don’t know, it’s basically Beehive-Themed Tinder except for heterosexual couples, the lady has to initiate conversation. (Either party in a same sex match can message first) She has 24 hours from the point where her and a fella have “matched” to do so, then he has 24 hours to respond and seal the match – ending the time limits.

Bumble also gives you a rough estimate of how far away someone is sometimes. I’ve read articles about how bumble’s location estimate feature has ruined relationships forged through bumble and generally turned women into paranoid psychos over matches. Can. Fucking. Confirm. It’s the most annoying thing ever. Why?

Android vs Apple. That’s literally why.

The way Bumble’s location service is supposed to work is that everytime you open the app, it updates your location based on your phone or computer’s location. As far as I can tell, that’s exactly how it works on my android phone.

Apple users. Y’all are a problem. Not because I give a shit about your iPhone, I don’t give a shit do you ffs, but IOS location permissions can allow apps to update your location without the app being open.

Reread that for me.

Without. The app. Being. Open.

Which basically means if you match checks your profile, they can tell whether you’re where you were when they swiped right (say, 26 miles away) versus, oh idfk, a whole state or two away.

Real specific example I know. Why? Because I ended up unmatching a guy I REALLY wanted to get to know better because of it.

Though, to be fair, guys are really lax about how they behave on these apps in my opinion, which is a bigger problem than the stupid IOS setting.

Allow me to explain.

Dating App Etiquette

It barely exists, but it should. Here’s the thing. On these apps, you basically swipe right on a pretty face and left on one you’re not interested in waking up to in the morning or sitting on. I’m only being half funny here. I’m convinced people use dating apps more for hookups than their intended purpose. Which, whatever, but for fuck’s sake make BumbleHookup. There’s BumbleDating, DumbleFriends, and BumbleNetwork or whatever. Just make BumbleDTF so we can filter these people out already.

BACK TO THE SINFULLY ATTRACTIVE AND INTERESTING DUDE I UNMATCHED

I’m still kinda peeved about this. In part at myself, but also just in general.

Most people seem to treat Bumble like Tinder. They don’t fill out their profile hardly at all. Have less than 3 pictures, have pictures that make it unclear who’s profile it is, or – my least favorite thing that is almost 100% regional – THEY REALLY FUCKING THINK A PICTURE OF THEM IN SUNGLASSES HOLDING A FUCKING FISH THEY JUST CAUGHT IS ATTRACTIVE. IT IS NOT. THAT’S NOT WHAT THE PICTURES ARE FOR. JUST SAY YOU LIKE TO FISH IN YOUR FUCKING PROFILE BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO LOOK AT ONE MORE MOTHER FUCKING FISH-

I’ve seen a lot of fish in the last few weeks. Like. So many that I’m basically auto swiping left if someone’s profile has less than 4 pictures and one or more contains a stupid fucking fish.

LOOK AT MY FUCKING USERNAME. LITTLEMULATTOKITTEN. IF A SELF-IDENTIFYING CAT TRAPPED IN A HUMANS BODY SAYS THERE’S TOO MANY FUCKING FISH – THERE ARE TOO MANY MOTHER FUCKING FISH.

I can guarantee this won’t be my last fish rant. You don’t understand how many fucking fish I’ve seen.

BUT THIS GUY DIDN’T HAVE ANY FISH IN HIS PROFILE.

So he already had my fucking attention. He was also startlingly handsome – not in a oh you exist off puss and nothing else there’s no other way someone as pretty as you with a penis could exist – but like “Oh. I’d…really like to look at that forever and sit on it if you’ll let me please.”

NOT ONLY DID I FIND HIM THAT ATTRACTIVE BUT HE SWIPED RIGHT ON ME TOO AND READ ENOUGH OF MY PROFILE TO ASK ME A QUESTION FROM THE LOWER HALF OF IT.

I was freaking the fuck out excited.

And frankly the odds of him seeing this are so fucking low that I’ll go ahead and tell you some specifics about the short convo we had, but nothing that could lead anyone back to him obviously.

He’d lived in my home state. First thing he asked was which city I was from. Then he guessed, claiming that guess was based off a beanie I was wearing in my second to last (I think) image available on my profile.

He’d lived in my home CITY. Which means he was familiar with the CULTURE. And would probably GET ME MORE THAN MOST GUYS IN MY AREA.

He worked in an industry/field I knew about and had almost gone into myself.

He was so fucking attractive. I have yet to come across someone who checked ever preliminary shallow box on my want list.

Biceps. Listen. We’re all a little shallow. Biceps do to me what ass and tiddy do to some guys. It’s one of the few really fucking strong visual things I have, followed by dark hair and blue eyes. But he was something of a gym rat, for sure, and I’d gladly torture myself at the gym if that man was going to be in my line of sight at all during the process.

Seriously. I’ve never seen someone who didn’t look like they had to be famous or an alien that made me go “He’s so pretty I want to cry.” EVER. I WANT TO CRY THINKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MATCHED ANYMORE.

And last but not least – like almost every fucking match I’ve ever made, I could count his replies on one hand before he went radio silent.

So, how does this relate to that location issue, you may ask.

Because I didn’t fucking know that Bumble could update your location on some devices without you opening the app.

There’s no online/activity indicator for Bumble except their location updating. Which, when you’re really excited to get to know someone and they suddenly vanish, but they’re more likely than not still online, you might start to feel like you’ve been put on hold.

Life stuff, yes, makes sense, I get it. But these apps have push notifications (which can be buggy) and if you’ve matched with someone, odds are you’re interested enough to check back on occasion (unless you aren’t). So it quickly became a worry game.

Because, like I said, I can’t just say “I’m excited about you, but I’ll keep browsing”. I don’t work that way. Unless I’m not excited about someone, then yeah I’ll keep scatter-shotting. But if I’m not excited to get to know someone why the fuck would I swipe right.

Anyway. After a few days of silence, I was disappointed and getting bitter and the few proverbial bones I’d thrown him had gone unanswered. I knew I was overthinking it and letting my own insecurities get to me a bit, but at the end of the day, there’s a few general courtesies that should exist in online dating culture that don’t.

Why people are afraid or hesitant to say they’re too busy to respond much in their profiles is beyond me. Some guys have the right idea announcing that they’re bad at checking the app and offering their snapchat or telling matches to ask for it.

But even if you’re testing the waters with another match, we’re all on this app for the same fucking reason. Say so. I’m not the kind of person who will need to, because I don’t operate that way on these apps, but I would. Because if that person is really bothered by you finding out if you’re more compatible with someone you matched with prior to them, that tells you something about them.

Would I have been disappointed if that had been the case with this guy? Yeah, kinda. I probably would have felt like his second choice at best, even if he’d come back to chatting with me. But that’s how these fucking apps are designed. Buckle up or unmatch. Fuck your emotions and self-esteem.

I unmatched for my sanity, because that happened a few days into this whole experiment and I wasn’t on any other sites yet. I wasn’t really prepared to deal with this whole thing yet and I didn’t know what to expect. I felt like shit and decided that if he showed up in my feed again, maybe I’d super swipe him (paid extra special right swipe that tells them you REALLY like their face and whatever) but I still don’t know what I’ll do if he does.

Lowkey hoping it was all a misunderstanding and whatever but like, not at all holding out for that because what are the fucking odds.

And again, my disappointment stems mostly from the fact that I was really excited to get to know him. The idea of finding someone on this stupid app in less than a week who wasn’t forcing his fish pictures in my face, would absolutely be the type of person to encourage my own wellness goals, and who was obviously smart because of his career path, was such an exciting thought. If we’d hit it off and gotten along really well, I’d have been so many levels of shocked and overwhelmingly happy that I just don’t know what I’d do.

When someone who looks like they’re 100% your type actually reads your profile and swipes right – you get excited. I was really excited. I’m still a little sad/disappointed, but I’m basically over it.

Other Misc. Things I’ve Learned On Bumble and other Dating Apps As a Relationship Seeking User

Take every profile with a grain of salt unless it’s so blatantly straightforward. And then still toss a pinch in.

The pretty pretty pretty buff boys who look like their players but their profiles claim they want a relationship? Odds are still players. They will try to convince you there’s 10 inches in their pants. They clearly aren’t smart enough to know that’s biologically uncomfortable for females and the best way to end up in the emergency room with a ruined cervix so don’t even swipe right. They’ll just ask for nudes.

People who use dating sites have some odd, hive mind fixation with The Office.

“Jim looking for his Pam” is in most profiles. I’m not sure why. References to The Office or mentions of The Office are about as common as all the stupid fucking fish.

I live in the wrong part of the country to find guys I’m actually going to share interests with. Just wait until I tell you about my experience so far on OK Cupid. I literally won’t find anyone where I live unless they’re from somewhere culturally similar to where I was born and are willing to move back with me. Because I am not fucking staying in the land of the god damn fish forever.

Most people don’t look at religion and politics like I do. Which is “You do you, I’ll do me, we won’t talk about it and we can peacefully do each other.” I don’t fucking care if your politics contradict mine if that’s the only thing we have not in common. Just make it a blacklisted subject and don’t let one frankly insignificant difference of opinion ruin an entire relationship or potential relationship. And same with religion. I’m not even a little religious. I don’t care if my future husband is unless it’s in my face constantly, he tries to “convert me”, get me to go to church with him, or some other blatant disrespect of my own religious standing. You worship whatever you want. I’ll right fanfiction about magic demon princes fucking their human-born demon queen every which way to Sunday. If religion is that big of a fucking deal for you, be upfront about it. Most people are in their bios. Either way, I’m really fucking sick of people who put too much weight into these two things like they actually decide how compatible you are with someone unless you let them.

I fucking hate fish.

Dating apps need more filters and ways to narrow down searches. 90% of the filters already present are shallow as all hell. What’s a few more.

Primarily let me filter out a few NAMES. This sounds super picky, but I have a really big family. 7 uncles. Over 20 cousins including the few cousins of mine who have kids. There’s a few names that would just be weird and awkward for me to associate with a significant other. If I could filter out my stepdad’s first name (which is disgustingly common but still), my biological father’s name, and a few of my uncle’s names, that’d be fucking swell. You already let me filter by religion and race. Let me filter out some fucking names damnit.

And there have to be people who have traumatic associations with names too like?????

The Office is a funny, good show and all but WHY IS EVERYONE ON THESE APPS FUCKING OBSESSED WITH IT THE WAY I’M OBSESSED WITH HARRY POTTER. I’VE SEEN IT. IT’S NOT **THAT** FUCKING FUNNY. SOMEONE EXPLAIN.

YOU HOLDING A DEAD FISH ISN’T FUCKING ATTRACTIVE SIR. THIS ISN’T THE SHAPE OF WATER. SHOW ME YOUR FACE NOT YOUR FISH.

The dating apps that are probably actually worth using all require a paid subscription.

There’s no real way to advertise that you find sex and physical intimacy very important in a relationship without making yourself sound like a cock-thirsty whore. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, you do you, but I’m looking for someone to be a slut FOR, I’m not one already and I dislike not being able to be upfront about that without being profiled or attracting fuckboys.

WHY CAN I NOT FILTER OUT PROFILES THAT CONTAIN IMAGES OF FISH

STOP WITH THE FUCKING FISH COUNTRY BOYS. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR SOMEONE TO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR TACKLEBOX? AND DON’T TELL ME THAT’S THE SAME THING, MY FAMILY IS COUNTRY. IT AIN’T THE SAME FUCKING THING. ALL THAT FISH TELLS ME IS THAT YOU’RE PROBABLY COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING.

Judging by the few fish-fucks with their profiles filled out at all – they’re compensating for personality.

With how shallow the filters on these sites are, just go ahead and fucking add eye color, hair, etc. Seriously. If you’re gonna let me be shallow enough to only pick men of a certain ethnicity, and religion, you may as fucking well let me see if I can find a guy with blue eyes, biceps, dark hair, non religious, who doesn’t want kids without reading every fucking profile I come across.

There are way more guys on these sites who want or think they want children some day. This baffles me. But then again my primary reason for not wanting children is pregnancy and giving birth which wouldn’t be their problem so of course they want them.

I just need to auto left-swipe if I see a fish. These apps are shallow anyway. Do not make a fucking fishing joke just because I said shallow.

OK Cupid has a better matching system than Bumble and such, but it’s still irritating as all hell. You can’t choose question categories that are more important. So if I see a 91% match, but he has no sex questions filled out or our sexual compatibility is like…50%...that’s not REALLY a 91% match for me. Let me mark 2 or 3 question categories as priority for fucks sake.

The bulk of guys on these apps fall into 2 categories (for me anyway) – Not enough giveadamn to explain their presence on the site & thank u, next.

Online dating is disappointing as fuck.

I’m seriously going to lose my mind if I can’t get away from the fucking fish pictures. ENOUGH. I GET IT. I NEED TO MOVE.

Seriously – I. Need. To. Move. Back. Home. I am not meant for this part of the country. These good ole boys are meant for someone but it ain’t me and my family is fucking country. I’ve been fishing, ridden 4-wheelers, made shit out of wood for shits and giggles, helped my grandparents in the garden, eaten deer my grandfather or uncles hunted and prepared, helped chop wood, ridden in the bed of a truck, etc etc etc. But ya bitch has lifestyle goals that only include mud at scheduled times. We can go camping, but we should also go out to dinner sometimes and go clubbing or dancing other times.

I was not born with this ass to settle for a man who looks like an angel and acts like one too. Why is no one non-ironically blunt about their sexual preferences? You cannot convince me that the majority of men lack strong opinions on this subject. SERIOUSLY. IT IS 2019 NOT 1619. God DAMNIT. You’re on a DATING SITE. THAT’S AN ASPECT OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT CAN MAKE OR BREAK THEM. BE STRAIGHTFORWARD.

It’s not even actually about sharing every interest. I don’t give a shit if he doesn’t like Harry Potter much. If he’s annoyed by the level I like it, yeah that’s an issue. Otherwise, be supportive and kind about that kinda shit. That’s all I’m asking for. That’s how I am in return.

I make shit with yarn, write off the wall fanfiction, have a lot of sexual interests I don’t usually broadcast, and don’t understand how dating sites are still this ineffective in 2019.

This is super long already so I’m gonna save the other apps for a separate installment if this one is enjoyed or whatever. Jesus. These apps, guys.

Apps I still need to talk about that probably won’t require this many words each – Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, OkCupid (OkC might need a few thousand words).

I’ll probably look into some other niche dating sites too because at this point, what the fuck ever - I just wanna meet someone back home or willing to move back home with me who fits some reasonable criteria parameters. And I’m not even as picky as half the profiles I’ve seen, lemme tell ya. I’m just fucking opinionated. And beyond sick of this experiment already.

Sigh.

If I ever see a fish again it’ll be too soon. Bet the first profile picture on my bumble dash later will be another fucking fish though.

Those who expressed interest: @accio-echo | @infallibleangel | @aconitumluparia and those who liked are my followers so you’ll see it. This post is so long my browser is bugging out with tags or I’d tag you all too.

#kyla bitches about things #dating apps #the dating app experiment #Bumble #things dating app articles won't warn you about #dating app conundrums

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effervescentmind · 4 years

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Entry 36: 05.18.20 @ 5:00 p.m.

In the living room.

So, my water fast ended yesterday and I’m sad to say that I only made it two out of the three days. I’ve been really disappointed in myself for it but noticed that my cravings aren’t as horrible as they were beforehand. I’m really happy and feel some sense of accomplishment from it. I haven’t been able to go to the store and get the things I need so my original breaking fast plan isn’t going to work for me anymore. This doesn’t mean that I will be eating horribly, it just means that I need to adjust. As soon as I get to the store, I will start eating healthy again. My mom did not even try to do the fast. I should not have been surprised but it did annoy me since she was the one that wanted to do it.

I should be finding out what else I need to do for school this week. Since I changed from the Diploma to Bachelor, I had to resubmit my application for the board and wait their approval. I’m so ready to start school and begin the path towards my goals. It has been a year since I started trying to get into this program and I’m happy that it is finally an attainable thing.

I have about $2500 saved in my account and am waiting for my next check to come in before getting a car. There are a few I’ve seen on Facebook marketplace that seem okay. They are well taken care of but have a lot of miles which I don’t think is good if I want to trade it in. Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice being jobless and needing a vehicle to find work. I have been thinking about maybe getting a job online and then I’d be able to procure paycheck stubs and finance a car. The only downfall to that is that I don’t want to be home and on my laptop all day. My schooling is going to be online and if I need to be online for work as well...I think I’ll lose my mind. I know we are experiencing a pandemic but...idk. I could always look for something else in the future and then quit the online job. We’ll see what I do.

Last week, I suggested my mother get on the bumble dating app. Her friend was telling her about a different one that I felt was a bad decision and suggested she use bumble because she could control who talks to her. Also, the men seem slightly more mature and put together on it. She met a guy and has been going out with him which has been good for me. Between her job and this guy, she’s been out of my hair, but I am alone in HER place. I don’t have my own room and therefore surrounded by her energy. It’s killing me and making me depressed. I miss having my own apartment and being alone with the things that make me happy. The furniture was comfortable, bathroom and kitchen clean, healthy food always available, silence when I needed it and music I actually enjoyed. I did not have anyone going through my things and leaving dishes everywhere, using all my hair oil, constantly talking to me about men and superficial gossip. It was bliss. I need it back and I hope when we move in August (and I have my own room) that it will give me just a little of that paradise. I really hope so.

My best friend keeps hinting that she wants to room together and is sending me rentals through Facebook. Although she hasn’t said it out flat, I don’t need to hear it from someone I’ve known over ten years. Also, I would like to add that, within the last year, we have talked about it and I’ve expressed my love of living alone. I don’t think she cares though. She has her own reasons for wanting to live together and they are very selfish. I won’t spare all the details, but she wants to get away from her baby father before her son is born but that isn’t my problem. It may sound harsh, but she put herself in that situation and she had so many chances to leave.

I haven’t told her but I’m angry that she didn’t leave after she had an abortion. She knew he was bad for her and needed to get away but instead she got pregnant again by him just a few months later and is now stuck all over again. I don’t want that kind of energy in my life. I fought to get out of my own abusive situations and be where I am today so why should I have to give it all up because she’s in a situation she could have avoided? It’s not fair. Also, we have lived together before and I hate her habits. She’s messy, has no regard for personal space and has betrayed me for dick twice. I forgave her but I will not forget. I am not going to put myself in a spot to be screwed again or rely on someone I don’t feel can be responsible. She also has bad money spending habits. I cannot do it. I think moving in with someone is a more serious matter than she does, and I will not do it.

Another thing is, I’m not ready to take care of a baby. Godson or not. I’m not mentally ready to coparent with her and I know she won’t mean to do it, but she will. She will lean heavy on me for help and to watch him, buy things, stay up late and help her. I can’t. I am in a place in my life where I want to be a Godparent and not a mother. I’ll be there for them as much as my mental and emotional state can handle but I have my career and goals to focus on. I think this is a time where she needs to boss up and grow the fuck up finally. She’s still that girl I met in high school and I think this baby will be exactly what she needs to wake up and snap out of the clouds she’s been living in. I love her so much, but I cannot let my life become hers. Our paths are different, and it is not fair for her to try and sway me.

#diary

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soundonreadings · 4 years

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Sound On InstaReadings Series Volume 2 with John Elizabeth Stintzi & Kyla Jamieson

Welcome to Sound on InstaReadings Series. Our second installment features readers John Elizabeth Stintzi and Kyla Jamieson and is hosted by Dina Del Bucchia. Posted here for your enjoyment are the bios of our fine readers and the text of their readings. Thanks!

John Elizabeth Stintzi is the recipient of the 2019 RBC Bronwen Wallace Award for Emerging Writers, and their work has appeared in the Malahat Review, the Fiddlehead, Kenyon Review, and Ploughshares. They are the author of the novel Vanishing Monuments as well as the poetry collection Junebat.

Excerpt from John Elizabeth Stintzi’s VANISHING MONUMENTS (for SOUND ON, April 24):

The concrete path, the door, the hallway. The house. I remember Mother stuffing me into down jackets and snow boots, hobbling me into the thick snow pants she’d bought for me at the thrift store.

“I bought it big like this because you will grow,” Mother said when she first pulled them up my legs as I sat braced on the stairs.

It was late October, which back then meant there was already a foot of snow in Winnipeg, and the rivers were frozen. It was morning. I don’t know where we were going. She’d bought me the pants with a too-big jacket because I’d outgrown the one-piece snowsuit I’d used for the last few years. I must have been around eight or nine. She rolled up the legs, took an open safety pin from between her lips, and started pinning up the rolls of extra length.

“If you buy big clothes, your body will know to grow into them. Do you want to be big one day, Alani? Like me.”

I don’t remember answering, but I must have, because that was back when Mother and I still responded to each other. My mind doesn’t usually decide to remind me of us speaking. Instead, I remember thinking about my body getting larger, as she pinned the legs, and how hopeful that made me. I wanted there to be more room for all of me, I wanted my body to feel as bare and roomy as our house did, like I could fit everything in. When I was in kindergarten, because it was too cold to have recess outside, our teacher brought out the projector to show us a documentary about hermit crabs. I couldn’t understand what the voice-over was saying because of its speed and accent, so I just watched the crabs switching shells and started to think that’s what life is like: you live as long as you can in one body, then once you can’t fit into it anymore, you move to a new one. And someone smaller takes your place.

For a while, I didn’t understand what growing up looked like, didn’t know how it worked. For a few years after Ilsa died and gave Mother the house in her will, Mother helped other elderly people in the neighbourhood keep up their lives in their own homes. Over the years of looking after Ilsa and me, she had perfected her technique of caring for fragile bodies.

Before I was in school, or during the summer, I went along with her in the mornings and wandered around the old person’s house while Mother was in another room, helping them get out of bed, bathe, eat, or take their medicine. I spent most of the time there either avoiding their mean old pets or walking around their living rooms, their hall- ways, looking at the family pictures on the walls. I remember looking through those photos for the old, frail things that Mother cared for and never once finding them.

I never thought that they could’ve been the result of one of the young bodies in those photos. After a certain age they stopped being documented, or else the newer photos were never hung. Mother hadn’t ever taught me about aging, about time’s effect on a body. I’d never seen a picture of myself as a baby; I don’t know that I’d ever seen a picture of myself at all back then. I thought that everything was inside me, that as far back as I could remember was as far back as I ever was. I assumed the people in the photos, in different stages of their lives, were each a different person. I thought I was going to be myself—a child—forever.

Nobody told me that I’d already been things that I didn’t remember, that as far back as I could recall was not the start of me, and that my life would consist of slowly leaving myself behind. I hadn’t yet realized that I didn’t remember anything about the year or two we still lived in Germany. All I’d known was that whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, there I was. Back then, with that mindset, things seemed stable.

“What does it mean being big?” I asked, as Mother took my hands and pulled me to my feet at the bottom of the stairs. She tugged at the pants, put her eye close to the floor—her tied-back hair flopping onto the hardwood—to squint and yank at the pinned legs. By then, I knew people grew, that there was no escaping the body I was in. “Why do I want to do it?”

She sat up—the memory is tack sharp—finished adjusting one of the straps of the snow pants, pulled back a little, and looked me straight in the eyes. Her face was so close to mine. I can remember the smell of her shampoo, the weight of the snow pants hanging on my shoulders, her hands grazing down along them on their way to brace her against the floor with that swooshing sound of scraped polyester. I remember everything about that moment, everything but her mouth. I want to remember her smiling, but I can’t see it. I can’t see her mouth or the inflection that the words came out with.

“Because it is going to happen, Alani. Getting big. You should be welcoming and excited for things that are going to happen.”

* Kyla Jamieson is a disabled writer who lives and relies on the unceded traditional territories of the Musqueam, Squamish, and Tsleil-Waututh Nations. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Room Magazine, Poetry Is Dead, Arc Poetry Magazine, Vallum, Peach Mag, Plenitude, GUTS, and The Account. She is the author of Kind of Animal (Rahila’s Ghost Press), a poetry chapbook about the aftermath of a brain injury. Her work was longlisted for the 2019 CBC Poetry Prize and her first book-length collection of poems, Body Count (Nightwood Editions), placed third in the Metatron Prize for Rising Authors. Find Kyla on Instagram as @airymeantime or at www.kylajamieson.com.

BODY COUNT like every intelligent (traumatized) woman full of self-hate (shame) I have always been a perfectionist / before I wanted to be pretty I wanted to be on time / most improved most present best /my high school history teacher emphasized obedience / everyone I talk to remembers him fondly idk why / I researched the rape of nanjing / my paper was a failure / nobody really knew how many people died there / I couldn’t establish the simplest facts / it was hopeless / I forgot I asked for an apology from the prof people say I got fired like that’s what I wanted & not his respect / can writing be healing without inviting mockery? / according to google george orwell said journalism is what somebody doesn’t want printed & everything else is just pr / lately I worry the poetry I like is just pr / I wonder about the carbon emissions of a body’s decomposition / like is killing yourself better for the planet / anorexia runs in my family / studies associate it with trauma & perfectionism / I used to think I could trade obedience for safety / I rewrote my paper on gallipoli / I got an a / white history is easy / internment is only two letters from internet / that’s where I read they put us in horse stalls / my great-grandfather said I have three boys & we’re all willing to work / they were sent to a farm instead of a camp / fyi japanese soldiers raped nanjing / fyi it doesn’t matter how perfect you are / tl;dr I tried to be perfect for a long time & it didn’t keep me safe / today I went in the shower & shaved for so long my calluses fell off / I don’t like what this might be seen as saying about my politics like maybe I’m secretly as misogynistic as that man who’s in love with his sex doll as well as his sex doll side piece / but it made me feel so clean

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THE FUTURE SINCE MY ONLY LIMITS ARE IMAGINED

there is artificial grass here but that’s not what i’ve been smoking like all great millennial visionaries i am caving under the weight of my ambitions my grandma says life is a gimmick i google virgin-whore dichotomy plus intellectual how to define evil without capitalism what even is normal how valuable optometrists will be during the apocalypse i am not ready for the unending applause at that one point in trump’s address to congress was gruesome when will i see you again

EXCEPTING MY INFIRMITIES

concussed I land bed & sleep my belly is hot like heat I wear my fingernails are getting along the smiley face’s mouth corners drip condensation I dream of rivers & apocalypse opium in the dark & fear silverfish I want to write a chopped book in series voice jess sends smiling pile of poo I say to you little brother I can go to america on the internet

WBU?

I’m on Bumble & people are asking what I do for fun. How to explain no free will for a year, each day shaped by however pain appeared that morning?

I NEED A POEM

Can we talk about the moon tonight? Low & full in the baby-blue sky. A friend at my door, the sound of her laugh & well-loved heart. I want to be held up like that. I need a poem about happiness I haven’t written yet, an ode to the ducks in my neighbours’ pool, another for the pink magnolias of spring—some trees make it look so easy: yes, I can hold all this beauty up.

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beatricemariejuan · 5 years

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Serial

I had an anxiety attack last night. After a couple of conversations from close friends.

I have been on bumble for quite awhile now. I’ve had multiple conversations on the app.

The reason is I just really wanna date again and be in a relationship. I miss everything about it. A part of me is doing it so I can think about anyone else, I’ve been talking about my exes too frequently that I’m also annoyed. Hahahaha.

Anyway, I went on dates. Let’s break it down. HAHAHAHA WHAT.

Migs - 27 years old from Bicutan, Paranaque. Program Developer working in BGC. He’s squeaky clean. And it weirded me out for a bit. He does not smoke. He does not drink as often as I know guys do. He doesn’t do anything during weekends but play his consoles. The first date was good. So good that we ended up going on 2 more dates that same week. It was going good until I realized that the kilig only lasted that one week. HAHAHA. Texting was minimized so much. He told me he likes me but he doesn’t make an effort to get to know me. It was frustrating. I kept asking friends their point of view and they kept telling me to give it a chance. But at the end of the day, it made me more sad than anything else, so I ended it.

It was the first time that I decided to end something. It felt great. Because it was there that I realized that I know what I want and that I know I deserved something better than what I was getting. I liked him, btw. After that, I got more and more curious of how I decide when it comes to relationships. So I kept going thru bumble.

Godfrey - 28 years old from Makati. Accounts Executive working in QC. As he says, he’s pretty much the opposite of Migs. Hahahaha. Because of his work, he’s usually working at night going around his accounts. I think I started to like him when he called me. We first met up just this Monday night. He came straight from work, to my place. We went out for coffee. IT WAS LIKE WE WERE ALREADY DATING FOR A LONG TIME. I was comfortable but I’m still cautious. Because he keeps updating his bumble profile. HAHAHA. And again, I’m concerned about the effort he’s going to give. So, we’ll see.

There’s this one guy. He’s special because we haven’t seen each other but we went from 0 to 100 already. He’s actually my type but because of situations, I get it why we can’t go out.

Jason - 27 years old from Las Pinas. He recently quit his job as an immigration officer of 6 years. It was funny, because I legitimately swiped right because he out rightly mentioned that he loves his dog and as someone who is obsessed with dogs, it was easy to swipe right. HAHAHAHAHAHA. So we really talked about his dog for a few minutes. When I got to know him, I felt like he was dealing with something heavy, of course I couldn’t tell him that straight up during the first interaction. But I gave him my number in hopes of having better chances of getting to know him. He doesn’t message me much so it felt hopeless, but I was eager to know him more because I like him. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

One day, I asked him about his dog again. He lights up when we talk about his dog. We then talked about sex. HAHAHAHA IDK. Then still feeling a sense of heaviness, I later found out he just got out of a 9 year relationship. From there, it looks like I’m about to find out what I was looking for. I told him what I felt from our conversations. And that’s when he told me he has clinical depression. From there, we talked about our struggles.

I like talking to him. It’s always nice to have someone be empathetic to you. I really actually wanna be at least a close friend he would random send shit when he feels like I could relate to it.

I’ll be back

#beya

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shadynightsandwashedupdreams · 7 years

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Lets talk about relationships. More specifically online relationships!

SooOOooo, if anyone read my first post. You’ll know that I recently moved to a new city on my own and I thought to myself “What would be the best way to make friends?” And since I’m the MOST awkward person on planet earth when I’m sober, I knew there wouldnt be any way that I would be able to actually walk up to people and talk to them so I decided to Tinder!

This isn’t my first time on tinder. I first created an account when I was 18 in 2014 and thats a story for another time to be honest or maybe I should tell it now? Nah. I deleted it and went two years without it because I was in a relationship for those two years (not someone I met on tinder lol) He’s also another whole story for later. Actually hes like a whole 10 stories for later lol. This post is about my dating experience now. We can talk about the past when I know people are actually reading this.

So when I get on tinder in January (2017). I met one cool guy after like 2 days on the app and i was feeling optimistic. He was cute but really short. He was my height. I’m 5′5 or 5′6. I need to get that checked. We hang out about 5 times. We talked for about a week before I actually agreed to go meet him.

We planned to go out for coffee so we went to a starbucks. I was really nervous meeting him since it was my well not first time meeting someone on tinder. First time in 2 years lol and it was nerv wrecking but he was really cool and friendly and it was an awesome date. He texted me when he got home and sai he’d had fun and then we talked for a bit. We actually texted a lot and i started to get really comfortable with him.

Second date we went to his house because he wanted to show me “how to pick a lock” more like “how to get into your pants and never text you back after that”. Needless to say I think you all know how this story ends. We hang out at his place all the other 4 times that we met and we’d watch the walking dead (Its my favourite and i made him start watching it) and makeout then I’d go home and that was literally it. We’d cuddle and makeout and watch the walking dead. Then on the 5th day the makeout session got really intense and I decided to risk it all! lol I was like whatever I’ll just have sex. I want to. He wants to and I think I kind of know a little about him by now.

So he takes off my clothes and we go to the bed and then the MOST AWKARD thing happened. I still to this day don’t know if something wrong with my vagina or if I’m just always tense but he couldnt get inside me. He tried and tried but I was so nervous and he gave up. After that everything was just awkward. We watched the walking dead but it was really silent and really awkard. When I went home he kissed me goodbye and said we’d hang out again but that was the last time i ever saw him again. Whenever I texted him after that, he’d take hours and sometimes days to reply until he just completely stopped replying and I was like?

Don’t judge me after reading this but I learnt that I get very very easily attached to guys. When a guy so much as smiles at me i’m in love. So basically I was really upset and sad that he’d stop talking to me because of something so small. So I decided to find out why and since he wouldnt text me I figured the next best thing to do was to create a fake tinder and find out why but not obviously lol. That was also another regret that I dont want to get into (I hate myself).

Anyway so after the encouter with the fake account I figured I was loosing it and decided to delete tinder. I had also only been on the account for about 3-4 weeks and had matched with over 1000 guys and a lot of disturbing messages. I decided it was time to end my tinder.

That didn’t last long because I created a bumble account about 2 days later and oh I completely forgot! There was another guy from tinder that I wasn’t very interested in but I had stood him up once and he still messaged me so I felt bad and decided to go on a date with him. He was okay. I kind of used him. I made him pay for everything which isn’t something I’d do to someone I liked but we hang out twice and then yeah I wasnt interested. I could make his story more interesting because it was but I was so uninterested that I can’t even do that.

Yeah so bumble. I love bumble all the guy on it are so much more attactive and I get to message first so I don’t get so many messages from weirdos! But i also forget to message people all the time. 24 hours ain’t that long enough lol. So I talked to some guys on bumble but never actually met any of them except for one guy. Last week. I met this really cute guy. When I asked him to hang out i didnt actually think he’d say yes becasue he was out of my leauge. I dont even know how we matched but anyway we went on on an awesome date. I say it was awesome because we never run out of conversation. We literally talked until the restaurant closed and we were basically kicked out! After the date he told me he’d had a good time and told me when he’d be able to hang out again and then he kissed me on the lips!

I was feeling confident. I went home and started imaging life with him and how perfect it’d be (why do I do this to myself!?). So i texted him when i got home with a “had a great time” just because idk I like it when someone does it to me so I figured I’d just say that. He replied the next morning saying he’d had a great time too and then I didn’t reply because there was no need to. Then 3 days later I get a call from him. All I saw was the missed call so I called back and he didnt answer so then i texted saying “Sorry I missed your call, you can call me back whenever”. He replied a few hours later saying he thinks it was a butt dial....

I kind of laughed it off and was like never mind. He didnt reply. I remembered him telling me that he had wednesday nights off so I texted him on tuesday asking if he wanted to hang out on wednesday he said he couldnt and asked for the weekend but I can’t so I asked him for next week and he hasn’t replied and thats where I’m at right now lol.

What is wrong with me??

#bumble #boy #girl #online relationship #love #young adults #dating #tinder #ok cupid #boyfriend #search

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