#idk if this is coherent. maybe it’s best if it isn’t. i’m just going THRU ITTT

[callixton]

i do not think i have ever pined for something so unequivocally impossible to ask for is the thing. like i think i often am interested in unobtainable people bc it is easier that way & it stays safe inside & i don’t have to navigate the reality/(a)romance. and ig this is. sort of like that. but it is worse.

[sillyflipping]

DXM 180mg hbr + weed trip report

8:10 PM: packed a bowl and smoked it. around this time, also hit the pen a few times, and a couple hits of nic vape

10:30 PM: Took 180mg DXM hbr in the form of 12 gelcaps, 15mg each. They were a generic store pharmacy brand of gelcaps, but I made sure to get the kind that contained only dxm and no other active ingredients. If you’re going to do dxm, don’t do it if there’s acetamenophin or guafinesin in whatever you’re taking because it can actually kill you, and it is not pleasant to OD on acetamenophin. Before taking the dxm I took one pill of otc dramamine to combat any nausea. The amount I took should get me to a high first plat, *maybe* a low second plat, or at least so says the dosage calculators. I’ve not done much Hbr in my past, I usually used to do freebase pills and occasionally poli (Delysm). I hadn’t done dxm in over a year now, I know it caused me a bunch of problems in my past, but for some reason lately this past week I’d just been craving it for some reason. Honestly in the past few days I’d just been fiending to get fucked up. And now, I’ve finally done it, i’ve taken my first-second plat dose and I’m waiting for it to kick in. I will try and update every hour. Also note I’ve never combined dxm and weed before, so will see if it’s any different. Also If I end up falling asleep will continue to update in the morning or whenever I wake up.

11:30 PM: Don’t notice any signifigant effects. Bit of a headache. Am lying in bed was watching some youtube videos.

12:00 AM head pounding a bit but it’s not intese pain. Just kind of a headache a bit dizzy/disoreinted bit spinny rooms spinny

12:40 AM head hurts, dizzy. This isn’t like the previous times i’ve done dxm, it’s not kickin in as hard, though to be fair I used to do freebase at higher doses and at that time I was also on abilify and lithium. Gonna try and lie down close my eyes cuz my head hurts

3am: wakw up tripping can barely type tbis. CEV’s and body heavy, dizzy visual snow room spinning. mild nausea. Feel like am on low second plat Obviously no ones awake cuz its 3am and idk

3:22 AM: I realize i mustve slept thru the peak of the trip as it’s 3am. I don’t mnow if i ever slept or if ive just been laying here in my own head my thoughts are blunted and despite the dozziness nausea and weird statitc snow visuals, it’s working to makw me not fee emotions. still tripping. hard to type

I cant belive i used to be such a dexhead that id go places like id go grocery shopping w frens back in college while off the dxm. Cant belsiwv it. This shit sucks theres way better drugs oit there this aint it

Dont really feel that cold but am shaking shivering

4am: texted a friend who was up at this hour, probably not about anytning super important. im still in the dextroverse but i think maybe im slowly comin down. There’s still visual snow and a jelly-like state about the air and atmosphere around me. I took like a 2nd plat dose and I’ll edit this trip report for more coherency and grammar once am sober

Dxm is bad trips not mentally. Mentally its pretty good but the body high is awful. Dizy and nausea spinning

4:23am: read some online calvin and hobbes comics. i never read those as a kid before but i feel like i can really understand them better somehow while trippin

4:43am: The comedown is the best part, honestly.

5AM: Still tripping, coming down. Compared to the overwhelming love and joy of a (good) mushroom trip, and compared to the depression and lonelieness i feel in my daily life, this is kinda true neutral. i feel nothing, numb. slighly optimistic tho. dont feel depressed atm. dont feel happy either.

5:40 AM: slowwwlllyyyyyy coming down. i try eating a couple spicy chips (carolina realer cheeto) to see if i can still taste, as sense of taste is often greatly diminished on dxm. The cheetos taste bland, and i feel the heat of the spice but no flavor. Sad.

6AM: less dizzy. head hurts less but still barely hurts a little bit just mildly annoying. The room stopped spinning. Am chillin on the couch, no one else awake yet

7AM: don’t think i’m still tripping, i feel a bit faded but it might be the afterglow or just general me being zooted. The sun is rising

1PM : pupils finally went back to normal size

Thoughts: Dxm fucking sucks. I felt a weird emotion that felt like how a chemical smells. Weird and numb and unable to feel anything. Awful body load. Why would you ever do dxm if you can do anything else. Nostalgia is a liar

[cozyteez]

Hii, do u have any tips for writing fics?? I’m so used to writing research reports, lab reports, and formal essays that creative writing has become something I really struggle with. I guess it’s having the freedom to write anything and not knowing how to make sure it’s not corny. I tried outlining a fic one time but it was so frustrating LOLOLOL. Anyways, I love your ateez fics. They are so cute and creative!!

hi !!!! im like rlly touched u asked me and i feel u actually that's why i started this blog; im a biomedical engineering major so as u can imagine i dont get to take much creativity with what i write because writing papers and reports and proposals are so formulaic and u gotta stick to the facts so that being said i actually tested out of all my college writing classes so all my writing knowledge is from ap english in hs lmao so take it w many grians of salt

the #1 thing i do when im feeling sort of unmotivated about a story or maybe like like dragging myself thru mud to write it is to just write the "fun" part first. to me the fun part is usually the climax or maybe the like the "wouldn't it be cute if..." moment that came to mind that inspired me to write a blurb in the first place! then usually once i sort of get the ball rolling on that my brain will help me out and keep the momentum going by thinking of maybe "oohh okay maybe this can happen next" or "oohh and what if this led up to it" or !! just stop there !! something ive learned from my mx writing blog which is like a year older than this one was that you don't owe anybody context especially for a blurb so maybe it really is just 3 sentences of a cute moment u thought of like its whatever ur the one writing it

now for longer fics im going to be honest jongho's first love is my first and only completed attempt at a multi stage coherent story. and that was fueled purely based on the fact that when i look at jongho he just gives off sort a really excited sort of innocence that i wanted to further explore and personify through the idea of him experiencing love for the first time but even then i really struggled w the last part because that's where my personal experience stopped and i had basically nothing to go off of because ive never been in love so i did have to kinda wait for ideas to come to me. for prince yunho i have posted 4 chapters but have all the way through chapter 15 drafted. and by drafted i mean it's like 3 sentences of the overall idea. again, the fic was inspired by the duality between yunho's on stage vs. off stage persona where if somebody was to watch an ateez performance for the first time they may find him very serious and maybe even intimidating but atiny would know that his off stage persona (the one he choses to create for us anyways) is very silly and happy-go-lucky and approachable, which is why prince yunho is seen as narameth's strong and stoic pride and joy but in reality he's sort of clumsy but means well. so i let that and his relationship w xenia who is an original character (OC) sort inspire stories or interactions that i force into a plot line. so for example i believe when i first started thinking abt a prince au for yunho i thought "wouldn't it be funny if the first scene started out painting him as this strong and serious man and then cut to him choking on food or something" and that sort of inspired the idea of him being nervous abt the speech and then xenia came out of that because he needed a complementary character imo since i knew he was gonna be kind of one dimensional and then his backstory with xenia inspired other ideas and then one day i was sad and wanted a hug so that inspired a piece of the plot line and so on. so basically: let an idea or even an aspect of somebody come to you and just write it down, let it inspire other ideas. and don't be afriad to completely start over. i wrote a whole chapter for prince yunho and deleted the whole thing because i hated where it was going and started back from scratch. sometimes you have to revisit things abt your characters and their relationships with others to get a new idea. there's a story in every person and every relationship you just have to find the clues

here's an example of what i mean by "write the good part first". this is typically what the very first draft of a blurb will look like for me

((( blah blah blah basically its raining and y/n is sad bc wooyoung broke her heart two weeks ago idk maybe go into it maybe not)))

y/n is all sad and feeling sorry for themselves on the couch theyre past crying but still feel pretty shitty plus it's storming and cold outside. great

there's a knock on their door ofc they have the cliche "who could that be moment" even tho they lowkey know. we literally all know

so yeah wooyoung's there soaked in rain eyes puffy y/n thinks he's been crying

-this would be the "fun part". i'll fix all that garbage up top later or maybe even change it completely idk yet-

"y/n? i - uh. hi"

he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while you crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to close the door and walk away for good

"hi? really wooyoung? is that the best you can do?"

(((wooyoung does smth idk)))

"well i just -"

"you just what? showed up here in the rain after you broke my heart and didn't even bother to tell me why? this isn't some romance movie, asshole. you can't just come here late at night and expect to find me all sad and willing to take you back because i'm not. so say what you're gonna say so i can get back to my life"

your face was red hot and you trying very hard, probably too hard, to fight back tears. ((( idk talk some more abt y/n's emotions then what wooyoung is doing)))

"look, i made a mistake i-"

"oh my god! why did i know you were gonna do this. i just knew as soon as i saw you-"

"will you let me get a fucking word in!?"

well that was new. in the entire time you'd known him he had never raised his voice at you like that, your shock causing you to immediately close your mouth and fold your arms back into yourself (((make y/n seem more scared))) noticing your reaction, he lowered his voice back down and instictively reached for you, heartbroken at the way you jerked away from his touch

"please y/n, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to raise my voice it's just that i need to tell you that i regret what i did i regret breaking up with you so fucking much and you don't have to take me back i just need you to know how much you meant, no, mean to me. i still love you, a lot. there's not a day, an hour, a minute, or a single second that goes by that i'm not thinking of you"

"then why?"

your voice was small and wavering, your tears now dangerously close to spilling down your cheeks

"why what?"

"why did you break up with me like that, just all of a sudden"

he pushed his hands into his pockets and looked away

"because that morning i woke up before you and when i looked at you asleep next to me, i saw myself spending the rest of my life with you and it scared the shit out of me"

"why did it scare you?"

"because i just figured you didn't feel the same. i was selfish and wanted to save myself heartbreak down the line and so i told you i didn't wanna be with you anymore, but that was a mistake because it turns out i can't function with out you, i can't breathe without you i can't live without you, y/n. i shouldn't have let you go"

tears were now freely flowing down your face (((okay brain no work anymore y/n kisses him duh and then ofc they make up wooyoung prob says smth cheesy and y/n is like ur lucky i love you or smth ahaha the end)))

tl;dr -> don't be afraid to get messy. creative writing is not nearly as structured as academic/scientific writing. write whatever u want first it can even be the middle of a huge fight scene or some dialogue u think is funny. if ur stuck read what you have or maybe just take a break and let an idea come to you. a story doesnt have to come together til the very end so it can be as messy and out of order as u want until u wanna post it. also i would always use the third person omniscient point of view for a longer story like a chaptered fic as a default and only change if it would impact the plot in a negative way. this is where the narrator knows what every character is thinking/feeling and im p sure a teacher in middle school told me it was the easiest to write and follow

[ansu-gurleht]

okay so i went through the datamined books from eso, taking notes as i went. @boethiah sent me a message this morning about it, asking what i thought. so i figured i might as well get real comprehensive about taking down notes to answer decently, or at least do it to organize my thoughts. 

before she sent me that i hadn’t heard about this, so i went into it bright-faced and intrigued. i didn’t think my notes would end up too long, so i just figured i’d send them to her when i was done, even “talking” to her in the notes (you’ll see what i mean by that). 

but uh. as all things lore-related, i got a bit carried away. stopped almost halfway thru to go to class, and by then i’d started to notice some really weird, kinda silly shit in it. and then i noticed everybody in tesblr talking about it, and finally realized, “oh. so it’s like that.” so i figure i’ll post it here publicly instead.

despite the uh. obvious nonsense in a lot of this, i think there’s a lot of interesting things hidden away. so what i’m going to do is just post my notes under the read-more. i’m too lazy to organize them into something more coherent lol. they’re basically just me commenting on certain lines and stuff. 

i won’t like, really go into why most of this is stupid, bc other people have already done so, and better than i probably could’ve. but you’ll know. somethings i quote things and just. have no idea how to even address them other than, at best, “??????” either bc it doesn’t make much sense, eludes useful analysis, or is just stupid.

anyways, here goes:

book 1:

azura: - "the Path"? am i wrong or has a "Path" never been referenced in khajiiti lore?

khenarthi: - alkosh comforts khenarthi after lorkhaj died? yeah right. - khenarthi's role as psychopomp for azurah mirrors kyne's role for shor. but azura doesn't factor into nord/atmoran mythology at all.

jone and jode: - azurah cares for jone and jode? interesting. (also, "Bright Moons"? full moons?)

lorkhaj: - lorkhaj as "White Lion?" - namiira (the Great Darkness) followed lorkhaj as his burden? - mention of a "path" again, made by lorkhaj with purpose. sounds yokudan. - "in conflict with himself" & "represents the duality of the Khajiiti soul" ... desert and jungle ... strife, hardship, and life, love ... both tainted deadly by nirni, according to ahnissi - "We honor his sacrifice by walking the Path with purpose and resisting the call of the Dark." ... the Path again ... the Dark? namiira? - (the khajiit seem to conflate namira and nocturnal. this isn't a new concept, as they both genuinely do overlap in many ways, but an interesting one.) - "the true spirit of Lorkhaj will sometimes appear" ... "by Azurah" - nerevar/ine, "or Khenarthi" - hjalti, "or by his oldest name" - ...ysmir?

magrus: - all of this magrus stuff is new, to my knowledge. - the importance of him fleeing from "Boethra and Lorkhaj" probably excites you :P - "fell into the Moonshadow" ... "too full of fear to rule a sphere" ... "tore out his other eye" (odin parallel? a "failed" odin, maybe? unless seeing "out of one eye" is metaphorical) - "Varliance Gate"???? "Aether Prism"???? they're the sun, but those names are brand new afaik. overall a strange alternative to the story of magnus and the sun - "Some sorcerers hold that Magrus left the eye willingly" - more odin stuff

book 2:

- azurah knows all the names of all the spirits, their protonyms? that's interesting. a lot of that "protonymic" lore is derived from the whole "true names have power" stuff, popular in magical circles from sources like kabbalah thru the lens of crowley. - "And Fadomai told stories of her children and her favorite aspects of each of them. When she reached Azurah, she smiled and told her favored daughter she could not decide. And Fadomai died." ;----; - "sat in the Great Darkness for timeless ages" ... sat with namiira? - seems to have carved moonshadow from the great darkness. (the great darkness seems to have dual meaning as both oblivion and namiira. then again, i think only clan mother ahnissi said the great darkness was namiira, so that (morrowind) lore might be outdated.) - this scene with lorkhaj and his empty dark heart is......interesting. - "UR DRA NA MII RA UR DRA NA MII RA UR DRA AZU RA" - you can pick out "namiira" and "azura" in this, but the meaning of "UR" and "DRA" elude me. - lorkhaj gets his heart torn out YET AGAIN. very rude azurah - the "Moon Beast" and its hunger remind me of the yokudan sep. - i think once upon the time "dro-m'Athra" referred to daedra in general, but i think eso has made them a specific type of daedra resembling khajiit. even more specifically, some kind of "dark khajiit" born from dead evil khajiit. - "lighting the fire with lanterns of love and mercy" - your vivec is showing, azurah. or i guess, the other way around. - this "ashes of Lorkhaj" bit gets me thinking about ysmir, again. but i'm not sure what to do with that.

book 3

sheggorath: - now THIS is a not shitty interpretation of sheggorath! he's not a "god of madness," but a god of mental fortitude, a god who tests convinction. - more stuff about "the Path" - "must be ... overcome before a Khajiit can visit Hermorah's library"? - "Sheggorath is dead and has been replaced by something Other" - the hero of kvatch? but if this is from eso, that hasn't happened yet? unless the mantling of sheogorath is a pretty common occurrence; i remember someone on tumblr suggested that this might happen every era.

orkha: - "Orkha ... followed Boethra back through the Many Paths" ... what does that mean? - "Lorkhaj, Khenarthi, and Boethra battled the demon in the ancient songs" - ... as trinimac? - "but Orkha could only be banished and would not die" ;) - "serve as tests along the Path" - so far these princes are being painted similarly to their house of troubles counterparts

dagon (also called merrunz.) - no reference to merrunz being the kitty cat. :( next - ...okay not really. "explore the Great Darkness rather than the Many Paths"? - molagh "tortured him until the creation of the World?" but "the wife of Molagh freed Merrunz"? who is "the wife of Molagh"?

molagh (balls) - "twelve Demon Kings"? should probably look into how they got that number - "Boethra and Molagh fought to a standstill before the lattice, but it was Azurah who shackled the Demon King with secrets only she knows." - i dont have anything to say about this really, just an interesting line i think. - "you will overcome him with the might of Boethra, the Will Against Rule." - interesting...afaik, aside from HAVING a khajiit name, boethiah never really factored into their faith that much, and wasn't ever mentioned in clan mother ahnissi. i wonder if azurah at some point attempted to unify her plans for the dunmer and the khajiit.

merid-nunda - interestingly, the khajiit seem to call her by her magna-ge name. - "False Spirit of Greed"? - magrus "loved only himself and his own creations"? idk if this seems all that congruent with the magrus from his own description - "cold spirit, born of light without love" - interesting - "blame her for orchestrating the death of might Lorkhaj"??!?!?!? what?????????? - "When Merid-Nunda dared assault the Lattice, Azurah struck her down before the Varliance Gate and dragged her away from it. She then cast Merid-Nunda into the Void and bound her there with mirrors. The nomads say she has since escaped." this whole thing is interesting

book 4

nirni: - nothing interesting on nirni.

y'ffer: - y'ffer "corrupted by the Great Darkness," (namira), who apparently killed nirni???!??! what??????? - worth noting that ahnissi doesn’t paint y’ffer as “corrupted” or evil or anything. in her words he’s kinda just a moron who doesn’t *get it* and does his own thing instead.  - don’t get the obsession with making namiira some like. crazy super evil being. feels like eso took a look at the list of princes and was like “who hasn’t tried to destroy/take over the world yet. that’s what daedric princes do right”

hircine - hircine doesn't get a funny ta'agra name, i guess. - graht-elk?

hermorah - hermorah helps azurah maintain the ja-kha'jay?

sangiin - according to what this says about sangiin, khajiit are actually NOT one of the most hedonistic races on tamriel. suuuuuuuuure, buddy.

book 5

- a look at the khajiit afterlife w/ azurah in moonshadow. - first you walk the sands, then you walk the glass, then you walk the thorns, then you have a good time, then azurah sends you back to nirn do something else (reincarnated)? but it might just be this one guy who goes off to do something ("Bring my children back"), he seems kinda special. no idea who he's supposed to be.

book 6

- all this shit about akha and alkosh and alkhan is bullshit. the fuck is akha even supposed to be? according to his name you'd assume an association with akatosh, but alkosh is akatosh, right?

akha: - this book says akha is the first cat. ahnissi says alkosh is the first cat. - "Pathfinder and the One Unmourned" - are we talking about akatosh or dagoth ur here. - "Many Paths"??? again?? what are they. knockoff walking ways? - "mated with the Winged Serpent of the East [akavir], the Dune Queen of the West [yokuda], and the Mother Mammoth of the North [atmora]. He then went to the South [pyandonea] and never returned." then alkosh shows up and says "yikes that akha guy was a little fucked huh?"

alkosh: - alkosh is "The Dragon King" and "Highmane." association with the Mane of the khajiit - "In time, the children of Akha overthrew [Alkosh] and scattered his body on the West Wind." ...??? is this a reference to the middle dawn? seems unlikely - apparently khenarthi put him back together. also seems unlikely

alkhan: - oh so the khajiit recognize alduin now too. cool.

boethra: - and boethiah i guess, why not????

mafala: - mafala has always been part of khajiit religion, tho, afaik. she is the og clan mother. - "She watches over Eight of the Many Paths, each of which a Khajiit must walk in time." ?????????? wtf are the many paths!!!!! why are there eight of them!!!!!! is this a reference to the spiral skein, or satellite realms (the spokes) of it? - forreal i think they gave up on pretense here when they started listing allies and shit. - "Her numbers are Eight and Sixteen, and these are two of her keys." this just sounds like something from the 36 lessons tbh. this doesn't sound like khajiit lore at all

book 7

lorkhaj (moon beast): - confusingly, lorkhaj as fadomai's favored son and lorkhaj as the moon beast are called by the same name, and despite this have separate entries in these books. - wonder if there's some equivalent in other myths to the moon beast. he seems pretty interesting, being "born of the dark heart of Lorkhaj" - there's UR DRA again, attached to namiira, again, who is apparently an enemy of the khajiit.

namiira: - apparently eso has rebranded namiira as like, an absolute enemy of the khajiit, with the dro-m'athra as her corrupted-khajiit minions or something? except i thought dro-m'athra originated from the moon beast? anyways, ahnissi only said that the great darkness became namiira. didn't say that was a bad thing necessarily. - also, her khajiiti ta'agra name, namiira, just so happens to be her protonym, NA MII RA.

noctra: - oh, so they do have nocturnal, as "noctra". - wait, so she's the "daughter of twilight"??? isn't twilight, idk, azura's thing???? (i feel like i've heard nocturnal be associated with twilight before, but it still makes little sense. it was probably from eso, too.) - boethra separated noctra from namiira. one could say she *stole* noctra from namiira ;) - noctra is ok by the khajiit, whereas her progenitor namiira is not. ok?

varmiina: - ok we have vaermina now too i guess. why the fuck not. - "The Lost Daughter. This spirit was not of any litter, but was born from Fadomai's fear of losing her children." - "Azurah killed this dark spirit in the Underworld" what the fuck is "the Underworld". they just be making shit up now

[?????] (no, really. that's what it says. dunno if that's a placeholder or intentional): - "[?????] A spirit of vengeance. It has no will of its own, as it was born from Azurah's grief after the death of Fadomai and Lorkhaj." ????? - "It sometimes appears in songs as a black panther, a warrior in ebony armor, or as a hidden sword." idk about "a black panther," but the "warrior in ebony armor" evokes ebonarm, who's technically still canon, and "a hidden sword" could be umbra. not sure what the connection here is.

[ofsailcrs]

what the fuck is up !! i’m saoirse and i’m coming @ u LIVE with a brand new character that i’m still kinda figuring out so bare w me thru this mess pls n thank u !!

( kathryn newton, cisfemale, she/her ) i just saw SAILOR WILSON walking down the streets of provincetown the other day playing ANGEL OF SMALL DEATH AND THE CODEINE SCENE BY HOZIER out loud. rumor has it that the TWENTY ONE year old is PERSEVERANT, but can also be RETICENT — overall they’re a RESURGENT. they remind me of CURTAINS DOUSED IN KEROSENE WITH A MATCH BURNING DOWN BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS, THE FEELING OF A SUMMER RAIN ON YOUR SKIN, LOOKING FOR ANGELS ON THE HIGHWAY IN THE MORNING & A THOUSAND INCOMPLETE POEMS.

first things first, check out sailor’s pinterest HERE if that’s what ur into !!

okay now THATS out of the way, welcome to the shit show! let’s dive right into this Hot Mess!

sailor elise wilson was born bright and early on the morning of september 6, 1997! she was, my all accounts, unplanned and unexpected. it was never anything her parents would admit aloud — heaven forbid they did something to shatter the image of perfection they clung to — but sailor always knew.

growing up, there was always a voice in the back of sailor’s head that reminded her she didn’t belong. her father owned his own real estate company that dominated the market of provincetown, and really the entirety of cape cod. her mother was the epitome of a perfect trophy wife. her older sister, sawyer, was everything that her parents ever wanted. sailor wasn’t so lucky.

as a young girl, sailor and her sister were like night and day. where sawyer was pretty and polite and perfect, sailor was messy and wild and completely uncontrollable — which her parents absolutely hated. they tried to control her, tried to make her into the daughter that they wanted through debutante gowns and disappointed frowns asking her “why can’t you be more like sawyer?”

it was a lot for sailor to constantly live in the shadow of her sister. it was a view that extended past the eyes of her parents. sailor was brought into the snack pack partially ( read: mostly ) by her sister, and in provincetown it was hard for sailor to stumble upon someone who didn’t see her as “sawyer’s little sister.” not that she could blame them. she thought herself to be a pretty average person all around, not particularly good at anything ( besides, of course, not being good enough ) and she was so accustomed to always being second-best to sawyer that it hardly phased her

when it was finally time for her to head off to college, sailor decided to attend university of massachusetts amherst — two and a half hours away from home, where nobody knew who she was and she could finally have a fresh start as her own person. unfortunately, things didn’t go exactly according to plan.

( tw: abusive relationship )

only a few months into her freshman year, sailor met a boy who would soon become her first serious boyfriend. at first, he embodied everything that she could have ever asked for in a significant other. he was charming, witty, exciting, and so much cooler than she ever had been. however, as their relationship progressed, he quickly became more controlling over her. it began with him wanting to always know where she was going, what she was doing, and who she was with and progressed to the point where there were no boundaries at all. then he began to get angry, at first over little things and then over nothing at all. but he always apologized, always pulled her back in with sweet words and promises that it would never happen again. even after things started to become violent, she found herself being roped back into him and unable to escape.

it took over two years for sailor to finally get out of the relationship, and even though it’s been months since things ended, she still isn’t quite the same. it’s not a story she’s told many people, and not one she enjoys recounting or revisiting, but the change in her is apparent. all the soft edges and gentle nature that sailor had once possessed are gone now, replaced with a girl that’s harder, stronger, more enduring. she’s on track to become a lawyer, putting the life lessons she’s gained to good use. she isn’t the same person who was once content to live in her sister’s shadow and trust whoever came her way, she no longer welcomes people in with open arms, but she’s learned just how cruel the world can be.

wanted connections !!

someone who was also partially responsible for bringing her into the snack pack?? like a person who was her friend before they were sawyer’s and is like… one of the only ppl who sailor rly feels like Doesn’t see her as sawyer’s little sister

PLS gimme some1 that sailor had a fat crush on in hs (maybe they know maybe they dont ???? but they probably did bc babygirl is not subtle) but she never acted on it for some reason or another n u know some drama might go down

also ?? a first love type of plot UGH. so many possibilities don’t even get me STARTED!!!

someone to look out for her pls she needs it homegirl has been THRU IT. she needs someone she can talk to abt like… everything

perhaps someone who is tryin to wear down that lil hardass that shes become??? who’s like i know who u rly are under all that and i’m gonna get it back out of u ????

idk this has become less and less coherent the longer ive been writing it sorry

i also have a wanted connections tag HERE if u wanna look at everything xoxo

if u have made it this far?? thank u ily give this a like n ill b messaging u on discord soon

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: 💃 Buster: 🍾 Rio: ayy Rio: wyd Buster: 🏖 Buster: you? Rio: ugh lucky Rio: just out Rio: bored Rio: indie's fucked off somewhere Buster: you know it, babe Buster: sounds like some lad's getting lucky then Buster: nobody you wanna fuck off with? Rio: she's  so probably Rio: poor baby Rio: no one here but working on it Buster: Same Buster: with you, not Indie Buster: I ain't Rio: Rio: when the holiday romance has got too real Buster: Fuck that Rio: should hope so, you're not a 12 year old with a 'what i did on my hols' to fill in Rio: ms white was horrified Rio: frigid bitch Buster: tell it to some of these cunts around me Buster: fuck's sake Buster: yeah?  tell me more Rio: lads lads lads Rio: or chaps chaps chaps in your case i guess Rio: bless 'em Rio: don't be gross!  i was 12 Rio: and Luiz was Buster: 🧐 Buster: shower of cunts the lot of 'em Buster: better kisser than me, yeah? Alright  now, like Rio: Least you can always 'get lost' on a holiday night out and find better company Rio: awh babe Rio: if you can't handle the answer, don't ask, like Buster: Don't reckon I wanna talk to you now Buster: Proper hurt Rio:  you dumb Rio: stay and entertain me please Buster: 'cause you asked so nicely Rio: where are you Rio: looks good Buster: Manhattan Beach Buster: It's alright Rio: Fancy Rio: not gonna get that cheap euro vodka cough Buster: That's all yours tonight, babe Buster: How is the 24 treating you? Rio: Most likely Rio: oh well, husky is sexy i can rock it Rio: crap Buster: I don't doubt that you can Buster: what's up? Rio: Ryan turned up when I was at work Rio: Indie let him in, nightmare Rio: sorted now but  long Buster: shit Buster: did he even play like he had a reason or what? Rio: oh yeah, he owes me some money Rio: which he sporadically remembers and then forgets again when it suits and he's got none Buster: how much? Rio: like 1,300 Rio: he wrecked my old car Rio: give a shit i got a new one now but yeah, probably got about 200 of that back so far Rio:  twat Buster: fucking hell, Rio Buster: what a cunt Rio: Yeah but it's good Rio: Drew came and sorted him out Buster: What? Rio: He was getting arsey and I was still not there so Indie had to call him Buster: Well, yeah Rio: saved my night that's for sure Buster: Lucky you Buster: Shame he ain't about now Rio: You know Rio: Imma see him tomorrow tho Buster: I was gonna say see if you could get Indie to give him a ring again but it was a some bullshit that he actually turned up the first time so Buster: Good that there's no need to push it Rio: you know, boutta be a daddy again so Rio: maybe he's trying now Buster: Buster: You've got it bad, babe Rio: Shut up Rio: just seeing the good in him, not  about it tho obvs, that good is apparent Buster: If you say so Buster: One thing giving him the benefit of the doubt, don't be giving him all the others though Rio: Yeah right Rio: he's basically married to Ro now so Rio: that  has sailed Buster: not if you offer it up for him on a plate Rio: subtle Rio: and one way to get disowned, for sure Buster: Like that's ever been your vibe Buster: And they'd get over it Buster: He'll fuck it up some other way soon anyway Rio: Good thing you ain't young and cute enough to be her page boy Rio: ruining the photos with that grumpy face Buster: Shut up Buster: Already got a bridesmaid trying to throw herself at him so cliche achieved Rio: Piss off Rio: I am not Rio: he just thinks i'm a stupid kid anyway probably Rio: not gonna humour me that hard Buster: Try convincing yourself before me Buster: I'm sure he's realised how much his heroics turned you on Rio: ew no Rio: i'm just grateful Rio: what was i meant to do, let indie go off with him god knows where Rio: go with, like Buster: you could've let me handle it Rio: oh so you wanna be the hero Rio: okay Buster: fuck off Rio: well you do Buster: whatever Rio: didn't know u could actually fly with it, like Rio: or i woulda defs hit u up Buster: No you wouldn't Rio: its not like i hit up anyone Rio: indie called him, he is her da, she's allowed Buster: Like I said, whatever Buster: Not like I care Buster: If you wanna make a fool of yourself with him go on Rio: not waiting for your permission but cheers Buster: Just waiting on him Buster: I heard you Rio: to come get a drink at work, yeah Rio: christ, rate ryan's paying me back, can hardly offer a % Buster: Not what you wanna offer him anyway though Buster: So it's all good, yeah? Rio: so what? he's hot Rio: no harm in it Buster: He's also Indie's dad Buster: and old Rio: Yeah, I know Rio: I can think he's nice to look at still Buster: It's sick Rio: Why are you being so judgey about it? Rio: if he was a milf, you'd vibe it too Buster: forget it Buster: sick of talking about this cunt now Rio: then stop getting at me Buster: If I was getting at you I would Buster: Don't be so touchy, like Rio: ha Rio: wanna take your own advice, babe Buster: shut up Rio: make me Buster: you wish, babe Rio: so do you Buster: Yeah Rio: when you gonna do it Buster: when are you gonna be in my ends? Rio: Lazy Rio: do you want it or not Buster: That's why I want you here Buster: Less fam to get in my way Rio: IDK then Rio: soon as I got enough reason to be there Buster: I've just given you the only reason you need Buster: Do you want it or not? Rio: duh Rio: but that's not really gonna fly with work or the fam is it Buster: You've been down here for lads before Rio: yeah fucking par for the course with me ain't it Buster: that's not how I meant it Buster: I'm just saying there's your excuse Rio: yeah Rio: probably not eh Buster: Rio Buster: Don't be upset Rio: I ain't Rio: it's cool Buster: It's not Rio: Heard and had worse, babe Rio: forget about it Buster: I don't want to Rio: I do Rio: do what you want, McKenna Buster: Fine Buster: but I'm sorry Rio: I told you, it's good Buster: you tell me a lot of bullshit Rio: rude Rio: esp coming from you Buster: fuck off Buster: I'm real Rio: yeah? Rio: real fool that's for sure Buster: Hilarious, Cavante Rio: thank you i'll be here all night Buster: you're such an idiot Rio: luckily for you boy Buster: I ain't got lucky yet Buster: Still waiting on that Rio: sure you've got time, how many hours behind are you Rio: night's young, don't worry baby Buster: I meant with you Rio: oh Rio: well Rio: hmu if you're ever this fucked up again, like Buster: I ain't Buster: Just wondering how much time you've got for me Rio: you're cute when you're drunk Buster: You're annoying when you're bored Rio: i'll go then Buster: Don't Rio: Rio: oh is james there Buster: fuck no Buster: why did you wanna say hi or what? Rio: Rude not to whilst I'm here Rio: gutted Rio: I'll have a stalk of who is then, that's how this party is going Buster: Actually do go Rio: No fun Rio: its okay you're still the prettiest Buster: Obviously Buster: He looks like a fucking pug Rio: Rio: Harsh Rio: but funny Buster: Deny it Buster: I can't believe you fucked that Rio: Didn't spend a load of time looking at his face Rio: from what I recall Buster: Didn't ask Buster: Heard enough from that twat cheers Rio: yeah but you lads always oversell it Rio: lbr Buster: Fuck off Buster: I don't need to chat myself up Buster: Plenty of girls wanna do that for me Rio: you reckon Buster: I know Buster: And so do you Buster: I'm just fucking good, babe Rio: Only got your word for it, babe Rio: not been in your ends making smalltalk with the girls, like Buster: All I can give you tonight Buster: Unless you want vids like Rio: Rio: no thank you Rio: trying to come for my game Buster: I'm not playing Buster: You wanted me to entertain you Rio: you get a bitch to consent to that then come back to me okay Buster: Or I'll just be in it Buster: Still got moves Rio: Oh Rio: That's hot Buster: You're hot Rio: Would you really do that for me Buster: Do you want me to? Rio: Yes Buster: Ask me Rio: Buster Buster: If you want it then tell me Rio: Fine Rio: Make me a video of you getting off Rio: please Buster: Okay Rio: Are you going to think about me when you touch yourself Buster: You know it, babe Buster: When don't I Rio: fuck Rio: i better be good Rio: don't do me down, boy Buster: You're the best Rio: wait and see, babe Buster: I'm so over waiting Rio: I know Rio: Me too Buster: You look so good tonight Buster: I'm so hard for you right now Rio: Oh God Rio: You have to cum for me Rio: it's for me, don't go fuck some random when i'm the one who got you hard okay Buster: It's yours, babe Buster: I just want you Rio: Say that in the video Rio: I wanna hear it Buster: Try and fucking stop me Rio: Never Rio: You're so hot Buster: You'll see Rio: I do see Rio: It's rude for you to exist anywhere that isn't in my fantasies tbh Buster: Babe Rio: You know what you do to me Buster: I wanna hear every fantasy though Buster: I need to Rio: We're talking years worth here Rio: too many for tonight but, can make a start, like Buster: Fuck Buster: I know Rio: I've wanted you for so long Buster: Christ, me too Buster: and so bad Rio: Make it all the better when it happens Buster: Yeah Buster: [Sends video after whatever is a legit amount of time] Rio: Rio: give me a sec i can't be coherent now Buster: I don't need you to be Rio: good 'cos it ain't happening any time soon Rio: fucking hell, like Buster: I know Rio: Definition of wish I was there envy now Buster: You make me wish I was in the 24 Buster: What the fuck Rio: You love it Buster: Nah Rio: Oh hush Rio: you gotta come thru soon anyway Buster: Do I? Rio: Yeah Rio: you gotta come give me what's mine Buster: How soon do you need it? Rio: Right now? Right fucking now, like Rio: but you know, used to waiting Buster: I don't want you to wait Rio: And I don't wanna Rio: do what we gotta do idc Rio: I need you now Buster: I'm right here, babe Buster: do what you've gotta do until then Buster: we can both feel good tonight Rio: I already feel good thanks to you Rio: too good to be alone, it's a crime frankly Buster: I'm not going anywhere Buster: You ain't gotta be alone Rio: Good Rio: I should find Indie to leave this party but also I wanna be alone with you Rio: What do I do Buster: Find her Buster: We can still be alone knowing her Buster: You think I'm drunk but like Rio: She's just a baby Rio: Bless her Rio: and there will be no leaving if she's found a new mans ugh Buster: Find somewhere we can be alone here then Buster: Gotta be a bathroom or some shit Rio: You want me to go fuck myself in this stranger's bathroom? Rio: Dirty Buster: Not romantic but Buster: I'll make it up to you Rio: Not gonna make me a popular party goer but already getting looks so fuck it Buster: What kind of looks? Rio: I don't know? Probably a party pooper for sitting here glued to my phone but y'all don't know Rio: try harder next time Buster: They're just jealous of how fucking hot you look Rio: I'm out here looking so casual though Rio: even Inds putting me to shame Buster: Shut up Buster: You look so good Buster: You know it Rio: Long as you think so Buster: That photo turned me on before you'd even said a word to me today Rio: Serious? Buster: If I was gonna lie I wouldn't have said anything Rio: Guess you've got a point there Rio: I always hope you see my posts Buster: I ain't refreshing my feed for anyone else Rio: Babe Buster: I'm not sorry Buster: You're sexy as fuck Rio: Rio: Now I gotta hide Buster: Aren't you used to this? Rio: Not from you Buster: Get used to it, babe Rio: do my best Buster: I wanna touch you so bad Rio: I'm just thinking of all the times you have Rio: even that was good and we've not even started yet Buster: yeah but it's not enough Buster: never is Rio: I know Rio: i'm so fucking needy for you Buster: Fuck Rio: i want your hands all over me Buster: They are gonna be everywhere Buster: Trust me Rio: Good, you can put them wherever you want them Rio: as long as you're inside me Buster: Jesus Buster: I can't wait to make you cum Rio: in person, anyway Buster: Well yeah, who isn't turned on by my posts, like Buster: Too easy Rio:  you're not facetuning that hard are you babe Buster: Rio: and you promised you're gonna back it up so Rio: don't break it so soon, like Buster: I won't Rio: Better not Rio: not in this bathroom for nothing Buster: you better not either Buster: I've never waited years for anything else I want Rio: ha Rio: it'll do you good, babe Rio: trust Buster: as long as you do me good I don't care Rio: given Buster: yeah? Rio: yeah Rio: not only 'cos you've never had it this good but 'cos i want you so bad Rio: i'll do whatever to please you Buster: Rio Rio: I will Rio: Believe me Buster: I do Buster: Fucking hell Rio: Ugh, when you nearly type something in the wrong chat 'cos someone won't stfu Rio: that could've got real weird real fast Buster: who else are you chatting to? Rio: no one, my phone just blowing up Rio: standards Buster: is it him? Rio: Yeah but Rio: don't let him spoil it Buster: Now I wish I was there so you could turn your phone off Buster: 'Cause I'm too selfish to stop talking to you Rio: Don't Rio: I can ignore him if you don't ignore me Buster: I can't ignore you, babe Buster: Don't you know that? Rio: Yeah Rio: not that good at acting Buster: Good Buster: I want you to know Rio: Now anyway Rio: we'll forget it in the morning, babe but it's all good Buster: I won't Buster: You're so unforgettable, yeah? Buster: Catch yourself on Rio: Stop it Rio: Cute nerd Buster: Make me Rio: Buster: Getting rough now it's that time of night Rio: 🤤 Rio: i wish Buster: Soon babe Buster: I won't be able to control myself, believe me Buster: What were you gonna say? Rio: Don't Rio: I want it all, don't hold back Rio: When? Buster: I don't think I can Buster: When you almost told him instead of me Rio: If we're doing this, we may as well lose all control Rio: Gonna ask if you wanted to see Buster: Glad he didn't get it then Buster: babe, I need to Rio: Ikr, good thing I'm considerate and ask too Rio: bad enough knowing he can watch all my streams Rio: ick Buster: I'll blind him Buster: Not even joking at this point Rio: I know Rio: shh shh though, he doesn't exist Buster: it's just me and you, yeah? Rio: yeah Rio: that'd be good Rio: do what we want Buster: should've brought you to Cali instead of these cunts Rio: 'til we pissed each other off and you're trying to buy me that flight back Rio: you're having a good time tho Buster: I'd rather fight with you than any of them Buster: You look so hot when you're mad Rio: fighting can just be good foreplay Rio: that's the truth Buster: never tried it Rio: really Rio: but you're so easy to wind up Buster: and all my girls are so Buster: or just easy Rio: Hmm Rio: yeah, you'd have to repeat really, can't be trying to throw hands on a first time unless you've agreed that beforehand, like Buster: Yeah, I'm not that much of a cunt Rio: you aren't Buster: you're biased Buster: you want me Rio: like i couldn't or wouldn't if you were a cunt? Rio: please Buster: but you'll say or do anything you already said Rio: you want me to call you a cunt? 'cos yeah, I will Rio: but that was just the truth before so Buster: I mean you'd say I ain't Buster: be nice to me instead of winding me up Rio: i'm always nice Rio: most of the time Buster: nah you ain't Buster: but I like it Rio: i been knew Rio: call my friend yet? Buster: which one? Rio: dominatrix Buster: Behave Rio: no, you Rio: that's the idea, boy Buster: Buster: If you wanna know if i'm down for you to tell me what to do you can just ask Rio: Trust, I know you whipped for me babe Buster: 'cause you wish Buster: one of the fantasies, yeah? Rio: that'd be telling Buster: You can Rio: Rio: now i'm shy Buster: seriously? Rio: maybe i'm sobering up Rio: boo Buster: or you just knew it'd get to me you reacting like that Buster: you're just full of surprises, like Rio: likewise Buster: How'd I do? Buster: Entertained enough? Rio: are you serious now? Rio: so good Rio: you're fun, i like playing with you Buster: good Rio: play with me again sometime? Buster: 'course Rio: Rio: yay Buster: You're a well fun drunk

Rio: You're a cute one Rio: who knew Buster: Didn't need to take you this long to find out Rio: You obvs been hiding it Buster: Or you just don't know as much as you reckon you do Rio: Doubt that Rio: I know all Buster: Yeah? Buster: Prove it Rio: You're doing something else rn Rio: I know that Buster: Am I? Rio:  duh! Rio: you're well distracted Rio: gimme deets, living vicariously Buster: There's a girl and her friend fighting over me Buster: Standard Buster: Don't let it distract you, like Rio: Rio: what one are you gonna pick then Buster: Doesn't matter Rio: that generic are they? Buster: Neither of them look like you Buster: Or sound like you Rio: One of a kind Buster: Yeah Rio: I'll leave you to your tough decision, like Buster: Don't be stupid Rio: You're stupid Rio: gonna pass up an easy threesome Buster: You're stupid Buster: Trying to leave me for someone who will only make you feel good 'cause I put the work in Buster: I know that's why you wanna go Rio: Only fair if you're gonna Rio: what do you want me to do? Rio: wait, like Buster: At least it'd be worth it Buster: You'd be weak from how many times I've already made you cum but still begging me not to stop Buster: Who else is promising you that? Rio: Buster Rio: You're a prick Buster: You love it, babe Rio: Hm Buster: I know you do Buster: You don't have to say it Rio: Good Rio: 'cos I won't Buster: You can though Rio: Shut up Buster: You gonna make me? Rio: Nah Rio: need your chat don't you boy Buster: Yeah Buster: But you're gonna make so much noise for me so it's fine Rio: Rio: Dream on Buster: Deny it all you want now 'cause you won't be able to when I'm with you Rio: S'alright Rio: how often you come around Rio: easy to avoid Buster: You reckon? Rio: Yep Rio: bet on it Buster: Try it Buster: Be hilarious Rio: Fuck off Buster: No Rio: ugh boy Buster: Rio: Buster: There's no point you being mad if I can't see how fucking sexy you look Rio: That's MY point Rio: [sends piss-taking angry selfie] Buster: Buster: Still would

Rio: Good to know Buster: Don't you? Buster: Gonna have to tell you again, like Rio: Wouldn't hurt Buster: Babe Rio: What? Buster: I mean it Rio: I know Rio: I'm just frustrated Buster: I know Buster: I'd flight over right now if I could Buster: call it a family emergency, like Rio: Rio: That's so fucked Buster: I don't care Rio: That's what makes it worse, babe Buster: What's worse than right now Buster: Fuck it Rio: you gotta stay really tho Buster: Don't stop talking to me then Rio: okay Buster: Do you really think I'm stupid Rio: what? no Rio: you're dead smart Buster: Don't be too nice to me Rio: i know that ain't how you like it Rio: why do you care what i think anyway Buster: you know why Rio: yeah Rio: maybe Buster: Are you gonna make me tell you Rio: you did make me Rio: but it's alright Rio: feel the blush from here Buster: if that's all you can feel then it ain't alright Rio:  telling me lmao Buster: You just turn me on and keep me there like that Buster: It's Rio: I don't mean to Rio: not all the time Rio: can't help it Buster: That's what so frustrating about you Rio: Sorry Rio: You're just so Rio: I don't know Buster: Don't be Buster: But you do know Buster: We both do Rio: Fuckable Rio: that's what you are Buster: Yeah Buster: And you're irresistible, babe Rio: Don't resist me then Buster: I can't Buster: I want you too badly Rio: Well you've got me Rio: I'm waiting Buster: Fuck Rio: Please Buster: Say it for me properly Buster: I wanna actually hear you Rio: Call me Buster: Okay