#idk ive been thinkin abt this for a while

[likehellohello]

thinking about this internship i applied to as a whim but the longer i sit on it the more i want it send good vibes i kno shed fix me

[waywardsalt]

tbh all things considered im at least glad that my discomfort with totk is what really drove me to really discover a lot of the discussion and analysis into the racism and orientalist stuff and... all of that in the zelda series, since i was halfway aware of it in the past but only more recently started to really look into it further and see what others have to say about it

[moonlitsnail]

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[joelletwo]

thinkin on my walk about how easy it is to make a case for trans woman seiji if u take the hoodie outfits as dysphoria fits and the [everything ive said abt his Carries Himself Like Hes Short when hes not demeanor] and of course the. dressing like a woman and changing his voice to be like a womans. textually.

weighing in my mind would i like trans fem seiji more than i like trans masc seiji..................... idk trans exorcists are so kjsdf generally uninteresting to me. as a guy who only does canon-compliant trans hcs bc i like the logistical challenge. they already have so much and such specific stuff going on it rarely adds anything except the eye eater's ability to make deals for SRS. the youkai-seeing is already an allegory for them both being autistic and gay adding a third thing in there is just gilding the lily.

and also. i say they cause theyre a package deal lol. they have to start at the same place and end at the same place at relatively the same time, if not the same pace. just by nature of their narrative deal. so trans masc exorcists is already stretching believability w a teen natori whose family wishes he were dead but also let him socially transition. but trans fem...?

so spent my walk thinkin about a teen seiji who AGAIN knows himself much earlier than natori does. and AGAIN. meets this awkward insecure defensive kid and immediately clocks him for [whatever] because he's seeing self in the other. sees this guy w his ill-fitting attention-deflecting clothes and his hair long in his face and goes hm. but leaves him largely to his own devices about it while making the occasional cryptic comment and spending his own time raiding shinobu's now-up-for-grabs closet and doodling cool goth ladies in his notes.

dont know how it would shake out as adults but i do like the thought of. natori comes out in some capacity and matobas like so i was right after all, haha, congrats. and natori oblivious this whole time is like. WHAT DO YOU MEANNNNNNNNN youre also a woman. [i couldve been less confused for the last 6+ years if i knew someone else felt this way!!!!/why cant i ever do anything that doesnt involve you 😭😭] [most angry and confused and happy he's ever been in his life]

[eirian]

im tryna figure out what my mental crop rotation is going to be for the next little while and im thinking maybe it should be just general oc stuff? like making new ocs and stories. but also what if i came back to alien love or step :0a then again im not 100% feeling step right now..ive mostly been thinkin abt alien love, out of the two of them

ive been wanting to try making more animal ocs tbh so maybe i can think more on that still. but ive been coming upon a problem where i get turned off Very easily from new ocs/stories unless they immediately grab my attention (so like, first-pass ocs) and idk how to get out of that

[trickstarbrave]

ive been thinkin abt modern au voryn running an only fans like. all night. femboy trans voryn making $$$ but more important nerevar finds it

at first he's like. embarrassed and then curious. like. he didnt think voryn would do this kinda thing but its. its def voryn. and nerevar is then left wondering what exactly he does bc he barely registered it was VORYN before he was closing the page face burning red

and so he subscribes just out of curiosity. probably not a good thing to do but he just wants a peak.

theres vids of voryn blowing a toy. others of him saying very dirty things while playing with himself. sometimes he'll release a few special videos of him fucking himself with a toy, begging for someone to breed him. he'll wear clothes ppl buy for him sometimes, thanking them really cute and sexily. sometimes he'll be wearing stuff nerevar has bought with him and the thought of voryn personally thanking him in one of the videos makes all of his blood go right to his dick.

before nerevar knows it he's watching the videos constantly. even if he tries to get off with something else he ends up imagining it's voryn. it's starting to make things awkward irl bc he'll find himself blushing for no reason if voryn even remotely dips his voice down to that tone he uses in videos and has to fight getting a hard on.

voryn of course. knows it. neht didnt think this thru at all but his fucking name is on the card he used to sign up. voryn KNOWS he's watching and has been regularly subscribed. he doesnt know what to say about it though. like, how do you bring it up to your stupid hot best friend that you know he watches the porn you make and you really really wanna sleep with him for real?

idk how they'd figure it out. but i like the mental image of them post hook up. voryn records a vid (with nerevar's permission obv) of nerevar fucking him. nerevar's face is completely cropped out, no one really knows who it is, but theyre doing it raw. last shot is nerevar's cum dripping out of him

but. im normal i swear

[corntort]

dream talk that gets into gorey territory

ive been having a reoccuring dream of a person that looks Nothing like me but is me in the dream, split into many different facets. everytime i have a dream like this its like in the third person but i know its me. theres more facets but i cant remember them except 2. theres like a normal, albeit very Blank speaking and emoting version but the one that sticks out is like that person cut across the frontal plane, with all the organs remaining intact that float and emote in an unsettling manner but generally much more jovial than the other facet

idk why but that mass of guts, despite not Usually being unsettled by viscera, gets me the tiniest bit anxious. nothing unbearable but its a weird dreamlike sense of vulnerability while also it feeling a little menacing in a way

no point to this ramble but ive been thinkin abt it

[ahoneesan]

ATHLETICS TRACKING - 6/7/23

been a lil bit. i think im making progress? i mean i am literally making progress but its slow slow slow. much slower than id like! but lets talk about how its actually goin before i start bitchin about it lol

as far as weights go: i Am movin up there but bad form (deadlifts and barbell rows are really hard when you have hamstrings thatre as tight as mine are) and inconsistent training has really stymied me. there were a couple weeks there where i was missin at least a day a week, if not two. im not even squattin a hundo yet! that was supposed to be like three weeks ago! anyways i think i might try and get a new alarm app, since using my system clock for both training (volume low so it doesnt disturb others) and actual waking up (volume up so i scream out of bed) has been the majority of whats fucked me. plus holidays, plus days where im not at the office, plus l, plus ratio, plus furp. anyways, weights. i can hit the 5x5 on 40lbs overhead press with a lil exertion, so im gonna try and go back to the 45lbs tomorrow. squats are sittin pretty at 95, ill be trying for 100 tomorrow too. deadlifts n barbell rows i just complained about, ive been thinkin about moving to dumbbell rows but i dont wanna give up on the barbell yet. bench has been fine too. check the numbers below, which will now feature PREVIOUS REPORT COMPARISONS.

cardio has been better, tho really all i did was turn my speed up. i literally bustered out this morning, couldnt even make it to 30 minutes runnin steadily up from 5mph to abt 6.2. which i think is good? im assuming its better to be pushing myself than to plateau at a certain speed, though like i said last time cardio is really a supplemental training for me. consistent extended high heart rate is better than supersonic speed. idk. i at least feel like im really pushin myself there so ill keep on keepin on.

body numbers are i think doin better? weighed myself in at 156 on monday but havent been able to check what the bf% reading was. ive been doing my damndest to stick to a roughly ~1800cal/day diet, to mostly success. getting enough protein is still the biggest problem but im genuinely starting to worry about that less bc im getting at least like 150g during the workday, between protein bar and shake and super slunker lunch (been doin a double meat no rice at chipotle the last few days. their stupid lil calculator says im good but im not sure if i believe it lol) and usually a good amount at home that im sure im at least crossing my bodyweight in grams each day. the extra .5 im supposedly supposed to be eating to meet my 1.5x while im cuttin ehhhhh im less worried about. anyways, i think ive been noticing a lil more muscle in the mirror? could be a lil confirmation bias but im just gonna confirm that bias bc i need a lil somethin here lol. onwards!

NUMBERS

SQUAT - 70 -> 95

BENCH - 60 -> 70

ROW - 80 -> 80 (lol)

OVERHEAD - 45 -> 40

DEADLIFT - 105 -> 135 (was 145, but im goin down again to get rock solid on form)

CARDIO START - 4.5 -> 5.0

CARDIO END - 4.5 -> 6.2

CARDIO DURATION - 45min -> 25min

WEIGHT - 159.2 -> 156.7

BODYFAT - 24.3% -> 23.6%

[lolexjpg]

dts s5 e3-5

e3: -"i am perfect 🥰" fuck u know what sometimes the charles leclerc charm does get to me ngl -"breaking america is very important" OH IS IT. let andretti join then -i'll say it. miami isn't that bad. you can critisize the consumerism of it all without being so anti-america yall -fuck caitlyn jenner but her gushing to christian horner abt how great it is that ferrari is winning is iconic -i did watch this season but i did after the fact /knowing/ max was gonna win in the end. its sorta hitting me how it did really look like, oh my god, charles could really win here. just lookin at his lil face thinking how much did he get his hopes up. how much did i hurt, watching it slip away. how do u even handle that emotionally -i know i've talked abt this before but when i was binging the 2022 season i got super drunk before/while watching miami and when i woke up in the morning i remembered basically nothing other than carlos taking his shirt off (priorities). i watched the race highlights sober and was surprised by the lando crash. lol -if anything this rewatch is putting me back in my max girlie era. chomp chomp chomp. and/or i'm ovulating. combination of both -cannot wait for padel game 2023 edition on dts. it will be superior i know it -i do think its wierd that theyre framing (trying to) prioritize charles as a mean thing to do when its exactly what merc did in 2021 for lewis and it was 100% necessary both times. the guy who said 'ferrari won with the wrong car' wasnt wrong thats just how this shit works!!! -idk why dts couldn't just explain that max has non terminal but non fixable damage and thats why he was so damn slow. i feel like it wouldve been so easy to just mention. give context to why he couldnt get back up there -i dont think having multiple episodes focus on the same race from different perspectives is the worst thing ever, but i do think they fucked it up here by having the silverstone episodes back 2 back 2 back...... at least mix it up a lil. put another episode inbetween so we've forgotten by the time its being rehashed is it rly that hard

e4: -"i would've fucked the whole paddock" you know what maybe gunther IS iconic. maybe i will miss him a lil -i'm not a mick girlie but he is such a sweet boy. gunther count ur days :) -being reminded that michael and jos were teammates is such a jumpscare. how did that happen -"its not about proving them wrong, its about proving yourself right." HES SUCH A SMART N WISE LIL BOY. MWAH MWAH MWAH -that was a legitimately terrifying high speed crash. like a crash is a crash but the way that car got torn up is insane -STAY AWAY FROM OLLIE BEARMAN BTW -kevin supporting mick is So Important like an older sibling trying to break the cycle w/ a shitty parent. kevin i love u -ALSO underrated ship. btw -respectfully. as someone who knows nothing abt cars. if the haas keeps having problems splitting in half during crashes mayb. its a car issue. just a thought -faldskjfalksjf but this monaco crash: thinkin abt during the race, kevin had a mechanical dnf nearly the same time, so when the camera cut from mick's smashed car to kevin standing on the side of the track, looking disappointed, there was legitimate confusion on who fucking crashed. anyway that goes to show MAYBE THE CAR IS JUST SHIT -sebmick. is indeed. important -i love the way mick thinks his name is only a blessing. i just love seeing other people be brutally positive in the face of adversity bc its what i aspire to try to do too. its a good mindset to have i hope he is doin well now <3 -small children humbling tf out of christian horner is so important actually -i'm so glad daniel knew what he was worth with haas. i'm so glad they couldn't damn afford him. as he should 💅 -mick & max ALSO underrated ship. this man is so shippable -i am glad max n mick got to have this lil battle tho. they got to have what their dads predicted finally :)

e5: -ok so this is actually the most recent dts episode ive seen since before i started the rewatch, right after otmar got fired i watched it as a fun lil victory lap. this'll be fun lets goooooooo -otmar as a man is such a walking ick. even if i dislike other TPs at least they dont give me the ick. thats the second most unforgivable crime otmar has committed -i'm sorry the way otmar left AM bc he didnt like lawrence as a boss only to sign up to work for LAURENT ROSSI????? u have to laugh -i've said it before and i'll say it again nando n estie were fucking raw 100% -even if mclaren continued to be shit and alpine didn't implode oscar still made the right choice bc CLEARLY otmar was keen on keeping the nandoestie lineup for as long as fucking possible. and then he gets mad when oscar realizes that and bails??? i hate this man sm -'je m'appelle yuki. merci' iconic dts quote. yall if dts didnt exist we wouldnt have this be grateful -ok. so i know when this season came out this whole dando in the parking garage bit got some heat bc apparently that was not at paul ricard like the episode implies. but honestly. listen. netflix got a fun lil moment with daniel and lando. they didnt have anywhere else to put it. was there really any harm with having it squeezed in there. its not like ppl thinking theres a parking garage at paul ricard is super damaging misinformation. pls find real solid criticisms of dts instead of this kinda bitchin and moanin THANK U -HI SEBCHAL CRUMBS -ok um. not 2 tinhat here but i know dts got some heat for not having enough women in this season. did they go back and add these bits with jennie gow after she recovered from her stroke i dont remember her being here. its fine i just dont particularly like how netflix can go back n change shit -i hate birthdays i get so much second hand cringe from this. if i never get sung happy birthday again ever in my life that would be ideal -how many times has nando left and gone back to renault/alpine? god its like a girl who wont stop getting back together with a cheating bf and then being surprised when he cheats again oh fernando left ur team WATER IS WET BABES -ok what i'm getting is otmar is bad at getting contracts finalized in a timely manner and maybe this is his damn fault :) -'lets show him he made the wrong choice' you have to laugh ladjfaklsjdfaljd

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

[lambshackleglory]

hmmm ive been thinkin abt this for a while. im not sure abt where i fall politically and tbh i think most labels are ehhh its more complicated than just a simple words. two anarchists can have completely different opinions while still being anarchists but also those specific microlabels are fucking stupid lol

but ive never known where i fall into that spectrum since i havent read a lot of theory. my political opinions really boil down to- people, all people, are people and have fundamental rights and fuck the rich. everythinf else is more loose bc my opinions change (im only 16 lol) or i dont have enough information to make a full opinion. my main thing is that i just have to read more theory

i have a sort of list of stuff to reqd but i gotta get it all together in one place. idk idk

[dyketubbo]

idrc about discourse on whether wilburs a good writer or not because in the end god people should stop fighting ccs fights for them and stop assuming that whenever a cc slightly complains it means they secretly have a grudge and that fans should take it super seriously and read way into it but also like. i remember seeing people complain abt wilbur having mumza lore that phil doesnt know about and i. kristin is her own person. the fandom knows that, right? like if wilbur isnt talking to phil about c!kristin its probably because hes talking. to kristin abt it.

and then theres complaints abt his cursed lore statements and of course on a joking level theyre funny but if you very seriously mean it when you say youre critical of wilbur because he says stuff like "my moms a fridge and technos my twin" or "i always saw c!tommy and c!tubbo as adults" then.... step back and chill a little. hes made it clear that the people involved talked to him, theyre all clearly comfortable talking about it publically and joking about it and joking about wilburs tendency to have cursed lore

then complaints about him calling himself the head writer (which is,, whatever? if your collab rps dont have a head writer/head writers ok but. some do, it happens, all rps are different), complaints about him not working other characters arcs into his own (which.. eh? he doesnt have to. theres like, 30 characters, and people have made it clear that theyll follow stories like the eggpire and foolsamponk regardless of if wilburs included or not), then a weird double edged sword of "wilbur shouldnt write for other people because the story is naturally done best when theres multiple stories going on" and "wilbur should include everyone in the story and shouldnt be so tunnel visioned and talk to everyone"

and in the end its like. idk. i think people are a bit *too* comfortable reading into cc dynamics.... of course theres writing decisions to nitpick but like. its a story ran mostly by adults with only four kids (not counting drista, since her character is more a comedic side character), all of which clearly have stood their ground and the three that work with wilbur actively express joy in interacting with his writing. phils expressed excitement, technos wishes are, afaik, generally respected. wilburs expressed general sadness at not being able to focus on various characters stories (like niki), the ones who wilbur doesnt focus on have clearly held their own (*especially* everyone involved in the eggpire god cheers to them esp bbh). just.. idk. its all fun and games on the surface and im not saying dont criticize the writing or wilbur at all but like. dont fight fights you arent apart of. dont assume things of cc dynamics that would make them uncomfortable. dont be weird, basically. wilburs a real person, not just some punching bag that you can hate on just bc he wont see it lol

[kristalpepsi]

WIP! maybe,,, aha joke unless,,,

[petruchio]

carl sagan, cosmos // vincent van gogh, starry night // paul mccartney, the song we were singing // nasa space colony artwork from the 1970s // star trek, s1 e10 // the new york times, 21 july 1969 // earth observation from the international space station // amoy greeting, voyager 1

[leondxs]

so apparently there are christian witches c:

[junipeach]

paranoia psaturday 😌💕