#idk maybe im being too anxious
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so i didnt finish that big drawing but hey now at least i have a new image of apollo again
#portal#portal oc#listen i love apollo and hes my one of my blorbos but i wanna give my other ocs some spotlight too </3#also i dont wanna talk abt him too much because hes a bit of flawed character and i dont want ppl to be weird abt him before-#-i get commited into my oc's stories since ive seen ppl being weird abt complex characters many times in the past#i was excited to write him to be hopefully one of my two most complex oc's but now im all anxious :(#i dont want for him to end up having him be flanderized w the time bc i dont really want to sanitize his characters#already toned down some of my posts abt him bc of this#idk maybe im being too anxious#sorry for long rant in tags btw lol lmao
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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#first therapy session went well !#i didn't cry which is v surprising lol#maybe bc we didnt go too in depth about things but#therapist already picking up on things i didn't like#never really thought of myself as an anxious person#depression was more so what stuck out to me#but like therapist was like bestie... u sound more anxious than ur perceiving#like i put that i don't struggle with social anxiety bc generally in a group of people im pretty outgoing#but like my coping skills are isolation lol#and i often turn down invitations bc of my insecurities#and in general just hate being perceived despite wanting it#like i literally havent answered any asks on here in months bc#im afraid of what people think of me#and im scared of interaction#but im also dying for human connection lol :'))#i also avoid men completely bc trauma so yeah#and it all stems from a deep deep belief that i am not worthy of love n wOw im sad but like we can only go up from here right :'))#LMAO SORRY THAT THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG HAS BECOME BUT#idk this is my diary fr#anywho sorry for everything#will most likely delete all these rants bc its embarassing lol but#love you all#and im so sorry for not answering the asks#thank you for reading my fics#your comments mean sm to me truly#love you endlessly
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꒰୨୧꒱
#the thing is that even if i always long for a relastionship...#i've never even been in one and idk how they work & im so scared of many things#i have sm troubles and issues with touch. i've gotten to a place where i cant even stand my own sisters or mom bumping into me#and outside i cant stand when someone accidentally walks into me or touching someone's legs on the bus#i hate it. it's not only feeling uncomfortable i feel distressed and scared and sick#smth that seems very normal in like all couples is that youre 'allowed' to touch eo all thge time whenever#that scares me a lot. like touch is so scary for me. and when youre in a relationship theres just this silent agreement that you can touch#eo all the time and thats like... how it's supposed to be.... ://#thats so scary to me. that theres this expectation and demand that if im someones gf they should be allowed to touch me whnever#and like i've never been in love and been in a relationship and been touched by that person so idk#maybe it wouldnt be an issue. but just thinking that.. i dont belong completely to myself and therefore give up#the right to not be touched if and when i feel distressed or uneasy is too scary for me#maybe i could learn to feel safe with them and want their touch but rn it scares me skskks#what if they kiss me when im feeling extremely sex reoulsed and wanna kill myself bc of my inner agony#and they get hurt when i try to pull away?#bc regardless of what ppl say... it is a truth that in a relationship youre exoected to want physical touch at all times#and it is seen as an insult to your partner if there are other forces within u (like trauma etc) that makes u sometimes uncomfortable w it#but yeah idk... the problem is that... in humanity and society#consent is one of the least important and prioritized things. as a humanbeing living u will have your consent disregarded countless times#and for me personally consent is one of the most important things. & thats one of the reasons why its so hard for me to live in this society#like yes i do want to have a partner and touch and be touched#but what if we're in the store and im feeling particularly bad that day and feel like#i need to turn myself inside out and peel my skin off and feel anxious and scared#and they just casually grab my ass?? then i will go home and kill myself :) or have a breakdown in the store lol#i dont want to go thru this but i also dont wanna put someone else thru it#and like it would be different if they asked first if i was ok being touched and i said yes#and if i said no theyd respect me and not get hurt#but like be for real.... almost nobody does that. and almost everyone thinks thats lame#in most relationships nobody asks eo. youre expected to just always be ok with it. if u want to be asked youre silly and demanding#nobody asks their partner abt that. that just dont happen lmao. so idk. :((( i wish i was normal
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that enlightening moment when your depressive episode ends and you finally realize how much you love your life and would never want anyone nor yourself to take it away. you just feel happy, liberated from the heavy cloak of sadness covering your heart. like you can finally breathe again.
#im ok !!#Im just in (happy) tears <3#wonder how long it will last tho#maybe not drinking too much coffee make me feel much less anxious and depressed idk#or being away from my mother for a whole day#or maybe because i also try to control my u r g e s#but it's weird that i am still able to be happy lol#rambles
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🦴
#im like very much having a crisis right now... i mean to most ppl it isnt that serious lmaoooo#but tbh i am a loser and tumblr is 80% of my life and most of my social life#all social interactions i get are on tumblr ._.#so i dont want to keep alienating myself on it because then im just ruining it for myself and removing the only place#and source of social interaction and attention :/#i personally can not for my life comprehend this because i really dont take other peoplës venting personally#but ever since i started using twitter and tumblr i have ruined so many connections .. by venting on my own account.....#and now.. when i lost and fucked it up with the love of my life... just bc i vented and he interpreted it from his pov..#and got hurt when i wrote things abt being lonely and unwanted WHILE talking to him everyday and having him call me beautiful and care abt m#... i understand why he got hurt and i understand his pov bc it looked like i pulled away and distanced myself and only complained and that#he didnt matter to me when in fact he was EVERYTHING to me and i lived off his attention#i hate that i ruined the best thing i could ever have just bc i have this pathological need to share my every thought#like shut the fuck up... i wish i wouldve shut the fuck up and instead gushed abt how much i liked him which was what i wanted to do#my avpd just made me feel stupid bc when i did he didnt interact with those posts and then i felt embarrassed#which like i know how fucking stupid avpd and bpd makes me and i hate it but i cant stop it#god i regret it so much like my dumb ass blog isnt worth losing him over... it just isnt#only an online connection.. makes it so hard to see bc he only saw my diary where i complain he didnt see everything else :(((#so he thought that he wasnt important to me and then slowly started to detach himself from me (understandably) god i wanna die#so yeah ive started to HATE my main account. bc it has ruined so much for me. plus lately ppl have started being mean#and i get it its the internet ppl suck but i AM so fkn sensitive. and i get sad and hurt really easily#and i feel anxious abt venting bc im scared of getting a mean ask after#like... i feel so fucking alone and idk what to do. all i want to do now is vent vent vent but ive started to feel like venting is bad#and harmful and only ruins my friendships and connections and makes ppl be mean to me#i honestly wish i wouldve stopped venting every thought looooong ago#and that i had a more normal blog and had a secret vent blog and that he didnt read all my miserable posts#bc then maybe.... he wouldve actually understood how much i fkn love him and hadnt looked in other places and now i lost him#bc i really dont blame him bc i know what he is struggling with and seeing me who he cares for so much say those things...#i get it 100% and thats why im so pissed with myself for just not stopping!!!! why cant i stop????? whats wrong with me#i just feel so lonely and like no ones listening but he was listening to me i just had to be brave and go to him#plus all my venting made him think that im like in severe emotional distress every second and that i was too fragile to talk to
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mm. The amount of stress that I have admittedly self inflicted
#vwoop.noises#I just wanna feel better :[#I have no emotional regulation it sucks#Whenever I stop doing something I'm anxious about it and like Man doing this feels like im being set on fire#but when I do it I'm like maybe I'm too hard on this social activity#But most of the time I do feel the eternal torment. Idk#I don't know what i want in this cruel world. sniff sniff#Actually I do abd it's my little oc smile< The consolation in this world. these days#But. eugh. the disorders#there are multiple people who don't make me feel like i am being eaten alive from the inside. Though. In this world. And that is nice#/NBH!! I get put in situations
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#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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I think my worst trait is that I need too much. and I don't mean in a "I'm needy" way I mean it in a want things so bad that I cannot discover it from need and it turns into a need when I start feeling ill over it
#jinx's hijinks#example. i get attatched really quickly to people who are interested in me romantically. this is probably because my last ex abused me.#but that attachment becomes extremely unstably very quickly too. if they arent talking to me or interacting with me.#i crave them to the point of not being able to focus#not being able to think about ANYTHING other than them and then it manifests physically#with nausea. throwing up and various other bad things#like it can cause genuine suicidal ideation#and idk i questioned that maybe i have bpd but idk because i dint fit many other symptoms i think i just have really bad anxious attachment#and im still traumatised from my ex. which ofc usnt gonna just go away. but i wish it was just easier to manage#i just wish that i handledthis all differently#and ik i dont really control it at all#but i wish i could.
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another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies
#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well#i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore#like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week#and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund#and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself!#mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly#ljke. what ks wrong with me#i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be#i really will end it all finally like Actually#bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition#theyre too nice to me#i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree#and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next#few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband#so. so yeah#but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care#of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself#like i dont think thats possible really.#maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that#so i guess thats why im still trying#but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way#like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still#very much present lingering choking me etc#so that brings me to the following:#im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this?#z.post
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i think i have food poisoning like.. slightly. it’s my fault and i just hope it doesn’t get worse ♥️
#purrs#the fridge at work was left open all weekend and i have vegan cream cheese in there that’s just like.. vegan cultures (idk what kind)..#coconut cream.. sea salt. that’s it. and it looked and smelled and tasted pretty much fine so i had a little bit but then i got scared and#threw it away… and now i am feeling ermmmmvery bad. it wasn’t that much so hopefully i’ll be ok and it won’t be bad but im nervous lol. i#shouldn’t have taken a chance on it it was literally sitting at room temperature for 48+ hours but i thought maybe if it’s all plant based#i’ll be fine… uhm i do not feel fine. but also it could just be me being anxious and reading too much into it plus i was already anxious thi#morning before i ate so. lol. it’s probably fine. i hope 🥲🫣 but that was stupid. like why did i do that.#oh also cashew milk is in it
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#i think ive been going way too overboard from what im actually comfortable with i dont actually like that#this is all weird and ive been acting weird and i feel bad maybe my mind has been way too foggy for me to. really think straight#like that sounds really dramatic i just feel weird and uncomfortable and wrong like my posts are weird and my attempts at talking#to people are weird and my conversations with my friends are weird#like im not acting like myself or im too out of it to remember how to act like myself#idk. i just dont wanna keep doing any of this but im not sure what ''any of this'' is#i got myself in some kind of spiral and im not having fun and i feel bad and gross and lame#i think im in an actual like bad mental health state#and i now im worried i have thousands of people following this damn blog and seeing my posts while im in a vulnerable state#and im acting erratic and weird and because i post my every thought in this website everybody is seeing me act erratic and weird#which just makes me much more anxious#i really hate how prone i am to letting my mental health make me act weird and how prone i am to over posting online due to a lack of#impulse control#and how i have an amount of followers that is way too large for it to be safe or healthy for me to be fucking myself over online#i am not minimally healthy or stable enough to keep my posture in front of a large audience and this should never have happened to me#i dont know that being said i should probably take a break for a bit#post less until i can get my head in place
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#ok im not gonna let myself complain abt it too much. even if complaining is very cathartic to me. like its just part of the process#anyway im gonna try to not do that....#but yeah i hate being ill and in pain. it's like a veil is pulled over myeyes and the entire world gets so dark and scary#idk how to explain i just feel so alone and so anxious and so unhappy#my experience with healthcare is sadly that treatment never helps and nothing gets better#so that's why i always get kinda depressed when something like this happens#the doctor suspects it is gallstones. and i got those rectal pills skskks that i'll try for the pain#then i just need to wait to get an ultra sound scan so they can check for gallstones. then i dont know#i was too stressed to ask her abt diet and such but im reading online and im like?? idk what im supposed to eat#that pain is just fkn awful and im so scared of triggering it#esp bc i dont fkn know how to put a pill up my ass that stresses me out even more#if i had an ordinary life i.e a job and friends and such it's easier to handle these things. but when u feel vulnerable nd scared it makes#it sm worse.....#and im so fkn stressed abt school now!!!! how am i supposed to sit and class when im in pain???? and barely sleeping#yeah idk. i need to find a way to get thru this ksksks :(((((#maybe im over dramatic or smth. i prob am. but i cant describe it im just in sm pain and im scared and confused and stressed af#i also have no idea how long this will last or if i can start eating normally and when i can start going for my walks again#like will this not pass until they remove the potential gallstone or what??#i hate this pain sm it hurts so bad i dont know how long i'll be able to endure it#im also getting closer to a depression so.. idk im just not ok rn ksks
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bruh i hate this why am i teamed up with the worse fucking classmate ever
#ignorelist#i dont like her#she talk to me like im a fucking child(why? the answer is probably the very thing ur thinking rn)#visibly fucking uncomfortable with me#and for some reason just keep doing shit that makes me uncomfortable#<i have told her that what she does make me fucking anxious and gave me panic attack>#you might wonder what?#idk fucking yell and cheer my fucking name in front of the fucking class#leave me alone brah my poor anxiety is destroyed enough#or maybe im just too fucking stupid that she visibly hates and making fun of me#either way i never done anything wrong to her so idc#because at the end of the day i know im the right one and i can sleep with that#maybe i do quip some snarks with her cuz i hate her but listen if she's being a jerk to me let me be a jerk to her for a little while then
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Sitting on these but I may rename my Cubone hero "Vega" (referring to the "fallen star" meaning) and Skitty partner "Milo"
#also want to rework skitty's personality because i feel like his dynamic with vega is too similar to the partners in other games#like ''the partner is the one with more drive and pushes the hero to succeed despite their own troubles''#is something im leaning into with psmd and gti already#its hard cause like... im sorry rt partner easily has the least going for them out of all the pmd partners and its kinda sad#i mean they have content but personality wise theyre just... generically kinda supportive of you#it could just be that i have less emotional attachment to the character than with the other partners but yeah#but like rin is happy to be a vulpix and is deeply curious while nimbus is the anxious one who needs a push#and eris had already given up on his life before transforming and is now stuck in a pikachu body and pushed to save the world#and elliott doesnt let xemself express or feel negative emotions because xey think forcing xemself to be happy constantly#is better for them#and still ironing out the psmd team but froakie (hero) is a deeply anxious person who is terrified of the world and their new body#while riolu (partner) is loud and overconfident and has a genuinely kind heart and wants to see the entire world#so while thats still kinda similar to pmd2 its a roleswap and theyre still different#but like... idk what dynamic to go for with cubone/skitty that isnt too similar to those#ive decided that cubone is definitely fucked up cause shes a cubone. im thinking she's someone who is kinda desensitized to things#and is so determined in her goals that she doesn't care if people who oppose her get hurt. which is why pkmn square believes gengar#but where does that leave skitty bc i already have ''hero who is a pessimist while partner is an optimist''#i had him as this really determined guy who was brave and stuff but i kinda have that already with psmd partner#i have the idea of him being a gardevoir parallel so maybe he'll actually be really gentle?#echoed voice
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Btw the date was. Nice but like, not what i was hoping for.
#it ended up not being a date cuz she brought a friend with her and like#idk maybe she was nervous or smt and thats def okay and it was nice to meet a friend of hers who isnt part of our friend group#like it was nice seeing more of her etc etc#and we held hands and it was still nice#but idk#i think maybe i went too fast? but im a bit disappointed cuz she was the one showing interest first...#and i also had to gather all my courage to invite her out and i was so excited + anxious about today#so yeah its whatever#i guess my takeaway is that i will just go along and see what happens#no need to rush or worry too much#oh also she and her friend invited me to a halloween party i dont know if i will be able to go but it sounds cool#her friend was cool too like it wasnt weird or anything
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