#idk rambling therapy entry

[trans-stew]

therapy posting below. gonna keep it below the cut even though this blog is literally my journal/brain dump because not everyone wants to read people's therapy stuff

today me and my therapist talked a lot about my like self worth and negative self image. it had started originally as talking about my like random periods when my depression comes back for a week or two at a time. but it eventually got into why I got really depressed years ago and what feelings I had at the time.

I never really thought i had much trauma or anything. I had a really rough mental period for a couple of years but it's slowly gotten better so I assumed I was doing ok mostly. I mean right now when I finally able to afford therapy is actually like the most mentally stable I've been in like over a decade. but idk just going over like how my anxieties feed into my worries of my future and those into my worries over my value and self worth and those into my negative self image it like... got to me I guess and I broke down a little bit in session for the first time.

my therapist was kinda like June you say you don't really hate yourself anymore but in one session you've given me multiple pages of things about yourself you don't like and when I ask you to list some things about yourself you do like you struggle to list anything. you need to understand these negative things about you aren't all true. you had a lot of unfair expectations forced on you growing up. you grew up and became your own person separate from what your parents wanted. you don't care what your parents think about who you became because they were assholes to you. so you shouldnt let yourself be mean to you by those same standards.

and just idk we really clicked for a little bit and almost went over time. they also grew up with parents that were former farmer country people who parented with rules and punishments and never taught them how to show and process and handle emotions.

therapy has been helpful so far even if just as a place for me to say out loud the kinda stuff and feelings i used to sad post about except this time hear from someone who understands and is gentle and caring and basically the kind of person I really needed growing up.

idk where I'm really going with this besides that it sucks so much to realize the parts of my life I thought I toughed through successfully actually left marks I'm going to be dealing with in some way maybe forever. while also I realize there's a possible future for me where I do learn to live with everything and maybe become a not so messed up adult in a safe place where I can authentically be myself without all the fears and worries and self criticism

[nonbinarv]

ask game! <3

loop (isat) - 5, 12, 23, 25

ena (ena) - 2, 3, 4, 13

absol (pkmn) - 1, 6, 23, 24

ena

2. the basis for her design is a cool concept :o

3. does the end of temptation stairway count /hj

4. hmm. pokémon bc i have made a team for her before. she would find fun there i think. a strain of joy she recognizes

13. 🎭. yes this is just my ena tag on my kin blog but like am i wrong,

absol

1. i forgot when or how i really ended up attaching to absol in particular but like. the pokédex entries… it just wants to keep people safe but is scorned for it… it's really just the black cat of the pokémon universe and i want to hug it. also i know people call its design edgy but i consider it more majestic than anything ngl. idk i just want it to be happy

6. could use a hug

23. look at its little tail wags… its paw movements… ;w;

24. …hm not sure tbh? design-wise mayyybe joshua twewy. mega absol in particular. it's just the Vibes™

loop (under the cut for spoilers)

5. so technically there's an official playlist for them i haven't listened to yet- but the very first one that comes to mind is sundial by lemon demon thanks to this comic. since that's more of an overall siffrin song than specifically loop though (it's on my kin playlist too which has a lot of songs that overlap for obvious reasons), there's also upside down & inside out by ok go and you are getting a ramble on discord about my logic later tonight owo

12. okay okay hc time. so the thing is siffrins are not very subtle creatures right. so i think that just like odile was suspicious of the time loops before having enough info to really put the pieces together, she'd be suspicious as all hell of loop in a post-canon scenario where they join the family. while they'd still keep their façade up there'd be all these little things that she can and would notice. especially considering her own guilt that she expresses in act 6 for not pushing more to find out what was wrong she would confront them so quickly about it and they would not react well because in addition to pineapples siffrins are also extremely allergic to being vulnerable. also this odile may be a near perfect copy but not quite, not theirs, a complete stranger wearing her face- loop wouldn't go full act 5 but they'd definitely ramp up their playful exterior out of desperation and flee.

odile ends up the first to know (besides siffrin of course) after siffrin is 👀 at them and loop has to experience the other side of self to self therapy momence. self-recognition through the other (derogatory but necessary bc if siffrin has to start opening up to the others then so does loop it's not fair for only one siffrin to). maybe going the 'if you got to tell them about my time loops i get to tell them about this if you don't' type thing but not in like a manipulative or getting back at them way more a 'i know you'll never actually say it otherwise but you do have to come clean eventually' thing if that makes sense. bc how are they supposed to start healing from it if they won't even admit it

she takes it surprisingly well; she'd only push to a certain point (not as necessary to like with siffrin and his wish, the universe isn't breaking over it) and let loop know that while she may not be their odile they're still a part of the family all the same and that she's there for them too not just siffrin. may ramble more @ you later on discord about how i perceive loop's relationships with the rest of the group bc this question has me rotating them in my mind

23. not a favorite emotionally bc they deserve better but also ough. the moment of their old appearance shining through before the battle. and this pic when they talk about their second wish, stuck in it for so long that they just break and want someone to help them, for it all to stop… it's gonna kill me when i get their act 6 stuff. it's the emotional impact of it

25. initially an absolute bastard. not quite hatred but also damn "have you tried not dying?" fuck that y'know. they're still very much bastard but now it's like. i get it sdgfkjhl i can't say anything really. i want to give them a hug because they're just as touch-starved if not even more so. old friend start again siffrin continuing to go through hell, again of their own making…

[dubioushonour]

I'm rotating Project Sekai TWEWY AU in my head again because I was jotting down notes for it.

The SEKAI Ends With You? What a Wonderful SEKAI? Are You Asking For Death from Hatsune Miku?

It would run like a mix of original TWEWY and NEO, because I think the entrance fees are GREAT for character but the group team aspect is essential. Band groups would all be the same. I think mostly they all start as strangers except when it's fun if they weren't.

(If they knew each other before the story starts they still know each other, but also LN is together already because I feel like that's fair. I would say Vivids and BAD DOGs are aware of each other but haven't teamed up yet until they all end up in the same team after death)

I do not have a full idea of what everyone's fees would be, but:

Tsukasa's entry fee is Saki's memories of him

Mafuyu's entry fee is her memories, period, because she doesn't have anything else to take

Mizuki and Ena both get appearance fees (middle school mizuki and invisible Ena, maybe?)

Saki's entrance fee is her health

Minori's entrance fee is her determination or her memories of Haruka (kinda interlinked???)

Nene's fee is her voice, little mermaid style, obviously

Ichika's fee is not knowing who Hatsune Miku is or any of the virtual singers

Reapers are the virtual singers. Regular Miku is the Composer because I think that's fair, but due to Unfortunate Circumstances I Haven't Decided Upon Yet she doesn't actually have enough reapers to keep a proper game going so she's split herself into five, weaker versions of herself to keep the system running. (idk who her conductor is. Part of me says it's the little marshmallow avatar of us, part of my says It's Teto).

Otherwise then I would say One variation of a Virtual Singer each to accompany said Miku (this works out mostly fine because each Miku is basically paired off anyways. Exceptions are VBS Miku, who gets Meiko rights and N25 Miku, who gets Len.)

Pins and Powers would likely be based off songs, undecided if they would be based off all songs or just commissioned ones. Everyone gets 1 power, but it has the potential to evolve into a different one (As You Like -> Showtime Ruler as a maybe example). The big group all out attack would naturally be named after the big main group song.

For fun I would also say we get Bonus Reapers for virtual singers who are in the game, but not properly (Una, Flower, GUMI, VY1, VY2, who have in game vocals off the top of my head without checking).

- Tiny addition but I think it would be something like

MMJ Miku gets Rin and Gumi

L/N Miku gets Luka and VY1

WxS Miku gets Kaito and Una

VBS Miku gets Meiko and VY2

N25 Miku gets Len and flower

No one stays Perma Dead in this AU because I am just not about that in the Miku Friendship Therapy game. The main crux would be that yes, everyone is playing to come back to life and there is a genuine danger of losing and dying. (and tbh probably some side characters might die) (things happen) (stories need drama)

But ultimately Miku is just trying to fill her Reaper ranks back out after An Unspecified Incident, so she would rather them alive but with a side job if they lose.

(currently have no idea who the winners of the game would be. Leo/need is in the Leo/lead though) (I feel like n25 would jump at the chance to be Reapers)

Maybe? A background plot about someone trying to take over as composer while regular Miku is weak and split in five pieces but I haven't thought that hard about it. One of the other Big Vocal Synths trying to encroach on Miku's territory while she's down, maybe. (It couldn't be... Teto Territory... UNLESS?)

Anyways this concludes PrSk brain rot au ramble 2 Electric Boogaloo, thanks

[daviddunwoody]

THE DUNWOODY CHRISTMAS LETTER

Happy All the Happy Days! I bought a little Christmas tree after I got drunk and sat on the 3-ft. one in '21. The temple ornament the Mormons gave me is roughly the same size, so maybe I'll make one of those little Christmas town scenes.

I quit drinking in Spring, unrelated to the tree. I'm not counting the days since I have no doubt the future will happen, and I'll need A Drink at some point. But not alone, and not until I pass out naked in a hotel corridor.

I have this idea that the emergence of home internet made manifest some nightmare (or totally natural) version of the collective unconscious. It may have also been the Rapture for God fans, making this the Tribulation. Let's make it the best ever!

I am not a crackpot btw

I think when a baby brain comes online, it just starts downloading all stimuli and data to begin calibrating the ol' mind. That must be terrifying until someone swaddles you and makes you feel safe. Then, I assume, the downloading slows to a more manageable pace and the baby can start observing things.

I think the best way to describe my autism would be that my brain's sponge-ality was not adequately reduced. Too much information for someone who was already analyzing his analysis of his own thoughts in real time.

Perhaps the Internet, and the cartoon world it has led to, are kinda giving everyone a taste of that anxiety. Maybe there really is some adaptive nature to autism, idk

Oh hey, good news! I'm writing again. Therapy and good people are good. I've wrangled most of my crazy energy back into the "pen," LOL, if you catch my drift.

I'm just awful at writing letters though. I start and stop personal messages because I know they will lead to the terrifying Conversation. How do you say from a place of love, "I think of you often and wish you well, please don't write back"

Like this letter I guess? Maybe olde-timey rambling public diary entries are my jam. Anyway, I really hope everyone has a nice rest of their 2023.

-Dave

[roleshirked]

To b fair, if a person has dysphoria that doesn't enter remission with therapy how much of a choice it is then to "be trans" (aka transition)vs do nothing?? idk i go back and forth on this bc yeah for several the trans id is like a cool club entry or a bandage for being ashamed of being gnc ("i'm not an ugly weird woman i'm a man / i'm not some embarrassing sissy perv im a normal woman like any other) but at the end of the day GD is a medical condition that might not be flexible to treatment

despite my post (i'm assuming this is from the greentext reblog) my thoughts mirror yours a lot anon, and it's something i find myself going back and forth on too. especially considering i have a handful of friends who are fully transitioned/"stealth" and don't give two shits for the whole ID part of it.

but i think my bottom line is that "being trans" should never be a game of identity, and in the event someone feels they have absolutely no recourse but to "transition" in order to alleviate symptoms of dysphoria, it should probably be treated with all the same levity as someone with cancer or severe psychosis. they need a team of experts to examine and help guide treatment options that are specific to their use case, as treatment can often be extremely taxing on the body, and may or may not wind up enfeebling someone beyond the state they initially entered medical care. in an ideal world treatment for sex dysphoria wasn't transition - in an ideal world, we'd have stronger therapy and psychoanalysis, and we'd be able to treat it in a way that is less invasive and more appropriate.

even having said this, at the end of the day, sex dysphoria is a mental illness. why are we treating the body to alleviate mental symptoms? we don't allow people with anorexia nervosa to tighten their gut. we don't practice lobotomies on people with depression (not anymore, anyway...) we don't cut off the arms and legs of people with phantom limb. nor do we look to the paranoid schizophrenics and indulge their delusions. because none of these things help the people in question beyond assuaging short-term feelings of distress - and going a step further, these short-term bandaids can often have long-term repercussions.

severity of sex dysphoria can be impacted by environmental factors too, and often shares co-morbidities with other disorders, namely EDs and mood disorders. for these reasons alone i feel it should never be treated in a vacuum

i'm also deliberately using sex dysphoria vs saying "gender" dysphoria even though i think the latter is what is (or was?) in the DSM5 because with how contentious the idea and concept of "gender" even is, pivoting the viewpoint of the disorder to something as concrete as sex makes much more sense when it comes to discussion i think.

sorry i rambled. tl;dr i agree with you at a first glance but i also think there's more just beneath the surface, and ultimately i really just wish we had better (and less biased...) research into it all, so we could generate better, more holistic resources & help & treatments & therapy that can actually treat the cause, not the symptoms. people deserve not just to be happy but to be healthy, too.

[eclecticandpoetic]

Therapy tangents and stuff (I’m tired and disinhibited haha)

I started to dissociate at work occasionally, this week. That hasn’t happened in a while and I’m concerned. Not quite sure why now. Maybe my whole gluten incident? But that would be weird.

Work has been improving slightly at least, as did my sleep. I’m pretty much back to my old sleep habits.

After my first 4 initial therapy sessions there’s a break until insurance gives an okay. So I’m already missing it kinda? Like sometimes when things happen I’m like “oh, you can talk about it on Wednesday” and now my new routine is already broken again.

There’s been a few awkward silences with my therapist. I think she gives me a moment to maybe pick up thoughts or something. But it makes me uncomfortable. And honestly I just feel pressured to needlessly ramble. But it seems like rambling is sort of the goal sometimes? To unlock stream of consciousness. She referenced something like that. But also, full-on therapy hasn’t started yet so maybe she just let me speak my mind to get to know me.

I don’t like uncertainties and already had some old therapy fears creep up on me. But so far it went well, I already mentioned some stuff I barely ever mention, especially out loud. 

Sometimes it’s like, she takes me seriously and validates me in her like minimal way. And I don’t like it. I’m like. It’s the way it is, don’t make me feel bad about it.

Hah, one time she was saying that the session is pretty much over. I said “Well..” to sort of conclude it (was on a deep tangent beforehand). And she went like “it’s not good though”. So That was really awkward. I was trying to just give a social clue to drop the topic as forced by circumstance and she took it as a “all isn’t well after all” which it obviously isn’t. Idk. I didn’t know how to react. Her giving sorry vibes makes me feel bad. Does that make sense.

// suicide tw, self harm cw (memories)

I might have had a revelation. I don’t know, I reremembered the NYE incident 2006/07 once again. I thought that it sucks I don’t have my diaries anymore, for therapy references. It made me remember my diary entries of that night. 

So I used to sort of kind of literally um strangle myself. Like self harm-ish, idk. A handful of times I think. That night I was really serious about it. The materials I had didn’t do it though, like, no scarf can really strangle you to death from my experience, at least not by your own hand. Maybe you can generally not do it by yourself without like some sort of mechanism? That’s going too deep though rn.

Yeah anyways. So I think it might have been a suicide attempt. I’m not sure though. How do you know? It’s so long ago? But it was more serious than other things I did, for sure.

And thinking of myself as having had attempted suicide kind of shifts how I view myself. If that makes sense. It’s weird. But it changes things.

Wouldn’t it be fun to have a therapy session on Wednesday next week /irony/

Yeah maybe that’s why I’ve been dissociating, come to think of it. Oh and also the whole gluten incident made me think of how I ate gluten deliberately to harm myself once. Shit times.

[the-aesthetic-weasel]

I know no one cares but here I go anyway

Sooo first things first, Israel was shit. Not the shittest, but still shit. I thought the whole vague Asian setup was tacky and I don’t really know what the reasoning behind it was, but it looked terrible. I kinda lost interest halfway through the voting cause at the top there were two of the songs I thought were the worst and the rest what I found mediocre, and everything I loved was left behind. But from the top I wanted Austria to win, cause that was kinda good. Now to my fav list:

1. Moldova (it was just very fun and very Eurovision, also turbofolk)

2. Denmark (lol Vikings)

3. Bulgaria (they ALWAYS absolutely kill it and they are so underapreciated)

4. Albania (great voice and language)

5. Hungary (more my taste)

6. Slovenia (I am just so gay and also a sucker for slavic languages)

And now for the list of the WORST entries from the very very worst of all to the less terrible but still bad

1. Germany (seriously dude why are you crying about it here, this is not your therapy session)

2. Spain (It felt like a performance at some summer camp for christian youth or whatever)

3. France (this was just so boring, it wouldn’t have gone through the semi-final)

4. the UK (it felt really flat and lifeless)

5. Israel (tacky, weirdly sort of a bit racist?? and also idk about the lyrics)

6. Norway (kindergarten)

Footnotes: Ukranian vampire deserved better; Why were all the gays so quiet and melancholic this year? Get your freak on!; Poland didn’t give us any points and it BROKE MY HEART WHY DON’T YOU LOVE US!!!; The Serbs were so great they seemed like a lovely bunch!; Estonia what was that about?; Sweden was a bit boring but sold it with that 80′s vibe

Sorry, gotta vent because here in the Czech Rep no one cares about Eurovision and no one wants to listen to my ramblings and it MAKES ME SAD

[wisdomdeath]

Rants of a Sleepless Caffeineaholic #1

It’s about 10:55PM of August 27 when I started to write this. I’m not really sure if it’s considered late around this hour plus I’m pretty sure I’ll post this late. And by late, I mean either 3AM or evening of August 28. IDK why I’m trying to be so specific with the date and time right now when there’s no certainty as to when I would post this piece of shit.

Okay, enough of my ramblings before I decide to change the title into “Ramblings of a Sleepless Caffeineaholic”.

Why I started this or what I want to do with this segment is something even I don’t know. I guess I just thought that this is a good idea but I’m not even sure at this point.

At this part, it’s 4AM sharp and I’m singing to The 1975 because my friend who is still on video call with me has fallen asleep and I still have a 1-hour video to scan and time-code before the sun rises, or else I’m toast and I’ll probably be reprimanded once again. Sounds non-scary? What more if you actually know what I do for a living and what my schedule has been like since this work from home shit started? I would go in full detail but you’ll doze off and I’ll be pissed. That’s a lose-lose situation. (Unless you’re here to fall asleep, in that case I would be doing you a favor.)

Why am I writing this rather than working? Here’s the thing. I’ve been working since the morning of August 27 and in between I still have chores to do (which is okay so do your chores, kids) and it’s literally the next day and here I am...still working. I think it’s only fair for me to take a moment and type this non-creative and completely useless piece of...what is this even?

I’m pretty sure that my workmates aren’t all asleep yet but I don’t think it would be cool to bother them. What I’m sure of is that I’ll send them the link to this first entry and hope that they would read until the end of it even if it’s no longer making sense.

Sleep has been lacking lately even if I had a decent amount of rest Wednesday night ONLY because I took my anti-allergy meds and it knocked me out better than any sleeping pills probably could. I mean, I seriously plopped on my bed and I wasn’t even able to say “good night” to my friends. I was just ZzZzZz.

There’s not much rant as there is with the rambling. For now.

I’m still trying to think of my limits for this but I’m pretty sure that it will be intense at some point because my life really isn’t some temple that gives zen but rather a series of anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, uncontrolled anger, retail therapy, sleepless caffeinated nights, and a podcast waiting to happen.

Until next time, I guess?

Logging off,

Patch

[trans-stew]

mmm kinda slowly sliding back into social anxiety except this time I feel I've got a better grip on it? I don't freak out and I'm learning where my stress boundaries are even if I'm not good at or able to communicate them to other people just yet. I'm learning to take things slower and keep myself company better, even though it feels a lot like disengaging from the world by about half. it's different from like.... disassociating where that was numb and this is just quiet.

on a downside I definitely don't talk to people anymore. I'm learning to keep my complaints to myself, but now that I don't talk about work to coworkers I guess I don't really talk anymore. it's better for my mental health to not always be focusing on the negative! but i feel more isolated/othered from people than I did on meds. I have books to listen to while I work, picked up sudoku again to stay occupied during lunch break, and work on cert studies and playing ff14 when I'm home. I'm back to painting, I'm enjoying my free time more and not feeling like I'm distracting myself from life anymore. I feel more present when I'm alone and it's great but being around people is getting harder again. if I wasn't with dee then I don't think I'd talk to anyone but I feel ok with that now I guess. it's not lonely and maybe I'll get better at living life with a persistent mental illness and figure out how to make friends sooner or later.

I don't feel scared anymore so the worst of my anxiety is beaten. I'm getting a real adult 9 to 5 so I'm out of petty childish retail hell. I've been sober for a few months now and don't feel the urge to smoke every day. I feel like I'm maturing past frightened traumatized teenager brain into starting to function as an adult and the future doesn't feel as intimidating anymore.