#idk sometimes i wonder if im unfair to my mom but like

[pinkspiraling]

venting about childhood trauma and how i’m still living in it

i wish i could go around and ask people what it was like to get in trouble in their house bc idk if my experience was wack or not bc when i start to explain it i’m like hmmm…that seems normal. but then maybe not? like they’d take our phones and look through them once they knew we had done something Bad, which means they usually found something else on the phone to be mad about. and then they wouldn’t yell but they’d be angry and disappointed yk and they always acted like they just couldn’t comprehend why we couldn’t just do the right thing! like why did we mess up and do something not good! why! it always felt like an over reaction i guess, they’d have lots of punishments which were always no phone, no electronics or tv, no friends, have to see a christian counselor, have to go to bible study more often/consistently, have to read my bible. etc. when i got caught for drinking i had 11 punishments and they only carried out like half of them. idk i feel silly cause it’s like yeah i got grounded…i messed up and got grounded and my parents were disappointed in me just like every other teenager to ever exist. so why tf was it so traumatizing like holy fuck it was traumatizing it was soooo anxiety inducing all the time to think you might get in trouble any second and you couldn’t control the reaction you’d get and you couldn’t control the punishments, you couldn’t control how they felt about it. like sure if you just lay out what happened it’s maybe not that bad, but i felt so much true fear towards them all the time and i just wonder if that’s not the normal way to feel about your parents. when i would get in trouble i always felt horrible and wanted forgiveness immediately bc i was scared they would stop loving me (like they did with my sister!) and i’m just fucking mad honestly that now i’m like this! like i constantly feel on edge like someone is going to get me in trouble and it’s going to be bad! i feel like someone is waiting to hate me or be disappointed in me and any minute i’m gonna have punishments and angry people who are More Worthy than me who don’t understand why i couldn’t just be good! i don’t wanna deal with this i don’t want to feel like every person is my mom and i’m 7. it’s stupid cause it’s not even actually about feeling 7. i just never stopped feeling that way, its like i know that’s where it started and then it just couldn’t stop. i never learned that getting in trouble or messing up wasn’t a bad thing that people would hate you for. there was no room for error and now i’ve continued that expectation for myself which is crazy! like i am literally just a person i am not a hero, there is no god that wants me to make him happy. i am just a person who is living and it is hard and sometimes idk what i’m doing. i can’t keep being this hard on myself i just won’t be able to survive this way. i am so cruel and so unfair to myself and i give myself so many punishments and ive just been feeling like yeah but at least it’s me! at least it’s mine and i get to say when im in trouble and for what. at least there is control but idk i don’t want it i want to fuck up on accident and forgive myself. i want to fuck up on purpose and forgive myself bc i’m sure i had reasons and now i’ve learned it. life is just learning shit, wtf am i doing trying to be Good. worst part is, my mom would still freak out and overreact if she found out…anything from my actual life lmao. i hate that i still live in that fear! although now it is small and in my hands i can simply squash it because it comes from nothing true. it comes from people who should’ve done better for my younger self and i’m ready to kill it. anyways the original question is basically when other people got grounded did it feel like god ripped you out of the universe and wailed in his disappointment and then threw you back into your house with all the rage still there or no?

[lycunthrope]

my mom will see my day going okay and she will be like “is anyone gonna ruin that”

[malazansapper]

autism month april

{edit: april 25:}knowing other autistic people corporeally? family? wanting to?

hrm not really. one of my weekly bus rides used to pick up a day group, and there was one person i was knowing was autistic: i liked to see them, but no interaction: we would just both make hands on the bus hahaha. i dont really know any other people.

maybe more broadly neurodivergent ppl? colleen was telling me some story about seeing a psychologist?a therapist? and being told there was some kind of maybe developmental delay, and in her 30s she was told to spend time every day crawling on the floor because she didnt get enough as a child. sounds wild to me: different times. and i know colleen has a hard time with other people but seems able to be around me ok. so idk hahah.

family: again, much obvious neurodivergence, but none specific autism. its all fractured tho, so i dont really know. theres a lot of bipolar disorder, but could just be sexist misdiagnosis. also a streak of schizophrenia. could see my grandma being autistic: really idk, hard to say, i dont actually know them all that well.

talked about some in other post, but: older sister was delayed a few years in speaking, had trouble early school {homeschool maybe 2 years, bit then was able to be public school}, and was later on diagnosed with some generic learning disability thing. my take away from stories around that is just that my parents and systems [schools and like pediatricians{and probly things like church: parents were southern evangelicals}] were rather inept, and ignored things or didnt know what to do: idk. i know she has social difficulties even now, but she ended up finding a good support and like has a career and family. mom said she always wanted to fit in, or maybe thats what my parents like imprinted on her, and i guess it worked well enough. all that to say: i think shes autistic, and im upset on her behalf?

i ended up being closer to my younger and youngest sister: i think there were kind of walls put up around our older sister. both of them ended up experiencing some events of pyschosis? breaks in consensus reality? they got diagnosed with bipolar disorder for that, and my younger sister has spent some time in like residential care or paychiatric hospitals? dang weve lived through some stuff hahah. my littlest sister also got diagnosed with adhd, and also had some issues with speech as a kid. i could see littlest sister being autistic sister. dunno about younger one. all of that to say: i think were all neurodivergent in some way. mom too. oh ya littlest sister and i both have heart issues and just like randomly pass out/faint sometimes: hrm, that to say: i like sharing things {even problems!} with them, so maybe i hope one day that another of them gets diagnosis autism.

mom has again tendencies of adhd i think and accusations of bipolar disorder. i know she can like hyperfocus on things and forgets to sleep or eat. {so different: if i dont sleep or eat: i just completely melt}. she likes hands on stuff: building, art: same as me and littlest

is wanting to know other autistic ppl in my life?: idk! id like to try but cant really imagine what that might look like! its tiugh: its tough to get past each other i think. i wonder what kind of presentation/factors of someone else autism would work well with mine.

{edit: more thoughts in the day: maybe unfair towards parents with upset. maybe their own neurodivergence and or masking stopped from seeing or acting on something being off. maybe knew and tried to supress in order to not be found out themselves? maybe thought might lose children if known? idk has been thoughts that i dont have to be upset about what happened? idk idk idk}

[twinstarlovers]

I thought today was Sunday. Well that’s sad. No wonder I saw so many people out today haha, club dresses & everything. Mbn. Being in public is so triggering. It’s almost like I gotta keep my head down to avoid seeing people ‘living’. I can’t explain how weird it is just to look at people when I’m out. They seem like aliens but whole time I’m the alien if I don’t feel comfortable w people doing absolutely nothing but living. The universe be testing me sometimes. Actually the universe wasn’t necessarily testing me today w sum but it’s just my ego & I be having to stop myself & it sucks a lot but I guess. It’s my ego but sometimes it feels like I have valid reasons to bring my ego out w this one thing. Sometimes tho. In a way everything revolves around life & freedom & shit. Literally everything is connected in some way. It all leads back to freedom really. It’s past physically. I feel physically was the thing that damaged me from the start but eventually it started to become emotionally, mentally & spiritually. I didn’t just lack freedom physically since the start, it was also indeed emotionally, mentally & spiritually but I mean it just got worse. I mean I’m better now but I have my moments. Irrelevant ass shit but it’s on my mind lol. I need a separate tumblr account. I’m starting not to like it anymore fr & I ain’t tryna make this all about me. I think I’m mad at the universe tho. I mean I’m not mad mad but I feel some type of way. It’s more so like everything is unfair, it’s past you like it’s in general. How I be doing everything but never get anything from them. Idc if it has anything to do w you. It’s other things that I want that I feel like I deserve & it’s annoying cus all I do is ‘work’ over & over everyday, shit regarding you & me & everyone around me & it’s like bro.. I get nun. I see the people around me who be getting ‘rewarded’ from the universe & im like I be doing so much & nothing good ever happens to me. Can I at least get my soulmate back? You see.. them making me drop out of school was nice but it didn’t make much of a difference cus now I’m more isolated & im not socializing w anyone & now I won’t get a diploma lol so there’s pretty much many cons w it. At least I ain’t going insane w being isolated. It just gets tiring I feel like & when I stay home too long & end up going out, I feel disoriented & lost. In my head but also visually. It’s kinda related to the alien part too. I never wanna get to that point again of forgetting to count money & stuttering my ass off & not being able to make eye contact. My social anxiety was bad. I would never look someone in the eye while talking to them. I was scared & uncomfortable. Counting money was the one that was most embarrassing. My mom was like how did you even forget? & I was like you really gonna ask me that question? Idk. Isolation was the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to me. Isolation in every single part of my life, as I said not just physically. Lmao yeah I’m done. Ain’t that serious. Just thinking. Irrelevant af

[lachalaine]

@kuebcko

shit, the emotional and soul-breaking avalanche went off. tbh, luckily. we could sense how it weighs you down and your emotions; it seeps through your words. and im proud and happy to read through your anger outburst, that you cut a hole into your facade like man you tried to keep up the good mood for us all while still battling with those heavy exceptions and roles in your own life hidden from tumblr. listen, we know you dont to want to turn your blog into some sadness pool or a place filled with your personal problems but it had to be done and its good you finally did. we wont judge you or blame you for your troubles, we strengthen you back as good as we can. im sorry your mom lost your job. when you wrote about your even worse mood drop i hoped it didnt happen bc you told me if it would happen it would happen around the end of july. if you need any support in the next months im here for you. you might not or wont tell me but still, im at your side. and though i hope for your mom for things to get better, i hope for you in the first place. its not unreasonable of you, neither towards your mom,your brother not unfair towards that friend you broke up with. you are important, your self-worth and mental and physical health just the same.

Oh, Scaley, you have no idea how thankful I am to have you.

Thank you so much for this message. It made me cry again as soon as I read it. Though it’s the kind of tears that I think I’ve needed for a good while now, so I’m grateful to you, thank you. 

I hadn’t expected all the emotion to hit me like that at all tbh, and you’re right - it really is an avalanche. I just got the idea this morning and thought I’d try it, and then it just kept getting longer and was entirely unfiltered and I was scared of posting it. Scared I’d be drawing more negative energy on here when I had told myself to stop. But I needed it, and I’m glad I did. And heck, it’s kinda funny in a way – because whenever the avalanche hits me, I always get at least one message from someone that’s read it saying they’re proud and happy that I finally lost my chill. And it’s… amusing, honestly – and reassuring too.

I was hoping my negative moods hadn’t come across as often as I’d felt like it did, so I’m relieved that people don’t think it’s like that all the time on here, because that’s all it’s been feeling like on my end and I was worried that it was too obvious. Though I’m pleased too – about as much as you, I think. I feel like a really heavy weight was lifted off and I feel like… people know me a bit better now, even. I know I talk a lot to people but I don’t really say much about myself, and I didn’t realize how much I was hiding until I went full meltdown mode on there. Though it feels good because now I don’t feel like I’m pushing people away anymore from the worst sides of my personality and now they now what I sound like when I lose my temper too and I was afraid of showing that but no one immediately dumped me afterwards and even showed me support so –

I’m thankful for all the understanding that was given to me for this, and just the time spent to read through it. I think I really needed it. Especially because like ---- I wanted to tell you guys. So that maybe you’d stop worrying so much, because I could see people were concerned but I was scared of saying anything but also I’ve been that friend that’s had to sit back and watch as another friend hid their problems from me and it’s frustrating and only more worrying in the long run and you guys don’t deserve that !! Regardless if it was a personal issue, it’s not fair – particularly because you guys were only trying to help. And I feel like I put too much of a veil on here and don’t let anyone see past the veil and adbhadbhahda I DON’T WANNA BE FAKE EITHER. 

And I feel like I have been a little bit, with all the constant attempts at happiness even when I don’t necessarily feel it and it just – doesn’t sit right with me. So I figured this was my best shot at just getting it all out and it turned out okay, all things considered. I guess I just – wanted someone to listen, but was too afraid of doing it one on one because I get. Terribly awkward about that. I just end up skipping the conversation and trying to shift it to someone else and making them try to smile and sadashdah I’m not good at opening up, in all honestly!

Though I’m… really glad I found a safe spot with you guys.

Thank you for always noticing my efforts as well, Scaley, and for your kind messages and well wishes. Thank you for always being my constant and strongest supporter no matter what, even if I may be late getting back to you sometimes. Thank you for reassuring me that I’m not being unreasonable nor unfair either. I just needed that comfort from someone else, in truth, not just me trying to reassurance myself but being uncertain anyway. That friend thing was weighing on me for a while as well, because I realized only too late how heavy things were in the months leading up to the breakup and I think the way I was being treated by him had only compounded to my problems, so I’m glad you mentioned that. Because I wanted to take care of myself too from now on, and I couldn’t do that with him around. And I worry because perhaps that makes me seem callous and cold that I don’t regret the loss of friendship, but my life is honestly... just better off within him, really. And thank you for helping me realize that, as your words have always helped me to see things clearly too, tbh, so it mean a lot! I always save your messages because they always do wonders in making me feel better, and honestly, you even remember things about me all the time, I’m so !! I don’t know how I deserve you!

Because you’re right! I was actually expecting something like this to occur but not this soon! My mood drops honestly always happen in June or July because the closer it gets to my birthday, the worse I feel about myself. Which isn’t to say I hate my birthday because I love it a lot !! I’d celebrate the whole week of it if I could!! But then I’m also --- I always feel bad because people do nice things for me and I feel unworthy of it around this time of the year. Which is also why I don’t talk about my feelings I guess, because then people go out of their way to worry about me and I feel bad and like I don’t deserve it. So it’s a thin line to cross and it’s never fun – though I’m hopeful that because the bomb has gone off so early, perhaps I may not have the same problem later on in the month.

I can at least hope. Because I’d actually want to enjoy my birthday this time and not feel bad about myself, if at all possible tbh aaaaaaah !!

The next few months may be harder or easier, idk yet – but I promise I will try my best to be more open to people, including you, and try to reach out more. Honestly, Tumblr RP is the one place I can try to forget all the stuff that drains me IRL, and that’s why I love coming back here so much. You guys really do make me happy all the time, and I know things would have been much worse if I didn’t have this outlet and you guys to depend on to take my mind away from everything else. 

My smiles and laughter with you guys isn’t a lie. Meeting you all is one of the best things to have happened to me in a long time, and for that I’m very grateful – so thank you very much!

I hope things get better for my family and I too. I’m just trying to think of all the good stuff that makes me smile and focusing on that instead, and I’m hoping that before I know it – maybe things won’t feel so hard anymore after a while. And you are a large part of all that good stuff, and I adore you for that, Scaley!

Thank you for sending this message to me and taking some time out of your day to make me feel better. I’m already feeling so much lighter and not so shut in anymore, and that’s a big improvement after the last couple of weeks. I hope to feel marginally better soon. 

I love you, Scaley and you’re the best! And I hope things are going well for you too! I’ll be back on Discord to scream at you soon, I promise. Thank you so much and stay safe, I miss you !!

[minblush]

i’m scared of my emotions going away from anger cause now i finally got home from work, and im sitting here… idk if you can guys imagine that, when i started being a kpop fan… a lot of stuff wasn’t as easily accessible online as it is now, and even the technology wasn’t all that… i was downloading hello baby in a million parts, in a pretty shitty quality… burning them on dvds and watching them like that, i watched it several times on those dvds haha, i think i still have them dvds somewhere.. i even downloaded mvs and stuff cause there was no way to watch music videos on the big screen at home for me… and hello baby.. i made my mom watch too while i translated to her, one of the things that allowed me and her start getting closer, even until now every now and then she would ask me, well how are shinee doing? do you still like them? they were really the last hobby of mine through which me and mom had a connection like that and it kinda stayed there… i remember making her choose favorites and forcing her to watch the lucifer dance practice so many times kjskjd… even though i moved onto other groups, with shinee unlike others it was like.. we just grew apart naturally, they never let me down or caused me to drop them like others, they were always in the background like.. we grew apart but they were still ever present… i always checked on their news, checked their new releases.. cheered for them, to me they were a part of me.. cause i really liked them.. they were my second longest fandom before bangtan.. all those friends i made back then, i hope they are okay.. shinee were… that kind of group that would just always be there, those old song always just as good… i remember crying to y si fuera ella so many times as i sang along, but jjong’s voice was just too good…i did record that cover i wonder if it’s somewhere in the depth of my old files too… where was i.. hello baby.. i keep going on about it but that was THE thing for me back then, i only watched arirang tv before and this was like waah… look at them… and jjong’s hair back then haha… it looked all sorts of funny sometimes because the video quality was so low… today ive kept remembering that catch phrase he had, is this the reality you wanted etc, you know like it’s stuck in my head because no it isn’t, it’s difficult for me to deal with death.. it takes me a long time, even now i feel still that i am denying it somewhere and i’m scared of the moment when it will hit me… when my dad died it took me 3 months to cry… jjong was such a good person, it sucks so bad because i understand.. i just feel empty, just yesterday i was thinking about it too.. i really hate christmas it’s always like that but this time… hah now i looked on the shinee record on my shelf… it’s messed up… i know he’s alright now but with everyone else… that’s the hardest but i know he’s not hurting anymore, i don’t believe in that sort of thing but i’d like to see him soon anyway..have you guys ever listened to y si fuera ella???? you should, i think that showed so much about what made him special… i thought i was their fan when things were really difficult back then but this year really.. for some reason i never thought it would be like that, shinee were shinee, jonghyun was jonghyun… and now no more… i don’t get it, is he really not out there anymore? i liked getting angry seeing her exploit the feelings of everyone, even now… i felt just and i didn’t have to think about this for a while… not being a bystander makes things much more emotional and hard to swallow… it’s not a game, for some people it’s a big part of their life… messed up… maybe i envy that people like that will kick around but then will move on just like that, snap of a finger… for others it will always be there… when you carry someone in your heart for so long… so many people died that i loved or cared about and those holes just keep on being added there… i shouldnt feel like it’s unfair, it’s like… and who cares about how i feel? but it’s still like that anyway.. i’m no better than anyone else, it’s just my feelings, but i’m just me and i’m nobody.. i don’t know what i’m saying, but probably we’ll meet nowhere soon, jjong… are there those kinds of people that really can never be happy??????????

[unkn0wnl0v3]

Day 4 ✿ September 18 ‘20

Ahhhh it takes faith and the universe and every little movement to end up somewhere doing something! I mean I believe in god and god made everything in my life happen for a reason, if not him then something/someone did. Just think about it, I was getting 105%-115% so it wouldn’t really make sense unless something really amazing has to happen (^_-)≡☆! Im just like thinking... no way in hell things like these just happen cause of human error, they happen cause they have to(09:13)

I should probably call him something other than Sir and I should just be *insert my name* so I’ll be M and he’ll be D... Lovin da D! :) (10:23)

If I found out someone liked him or he had a girlfriend or like a partner I’d just kill them:) (10:44)

Im just the meanest person ever. Like that’s just a statement(13:03)

It’s my bday in a few days. Im quite excited cause birthdays mean money:D! I wish it was on tuesday or something tho so I could get a happy bday from Mr D, however it’s all good i’ll just treat myself to some amazing masturbation and hentai<3 as one does in Crisis:)... Oh well I dont need humanity anyways if I have the ability to provide myself with humanly pleasu- bruh I sound crazy I literally fantasize about marrying him so stfu me. Idk why I find him cute/ good looking. I think I fall for vibes more than anything. You could be hot or ugly, a girl or a boy, anything really if ur vibes hit well then ur already like an f-ing ten. And usually it’s people who could never date me back that I want to fuck. But oh well, that’s just me and what I currently plight:)... I wonder what Octavia’s like. My great aunt lived there in the 40’s and it looks amazing, and pictures make it look like it hasn’t changed. I don’t think I’m ever gonna leave Los Angeles forever. If I do then it’s not gonna be so close as to Octavia it’d either be the East Coast or out of country like where my parents are from. I’d prefer LA out of anywhere though. Out of everywhere LA is where I feel home, alongside where my parents are from. Personally I don’t think I’d be able to live where my parents are from If I marry someone who isn’t my ethnicity. That sounds kinda weird but I don’t want to force them to learn a Language and customs... that’s hard. I watched my parents struggle to understand each other till now let alone media and life. To be the only one who can go out and communicate fluently naturally and look like the people there is unfair to my partner. Like I said, I like LA tho. I kinda want a job where I can just go all over and travel. Like in one of those big trailers. Then we’d travel and hike. Mr D said he liked to rock climb. Personally I don’t like to rock climb but I like to hike. I went to Utah in August and I loved it. I don’t think I could live in Utah but it’s nice to hike and spend time there. My top three states are California, Nevada and Like Massachusetts probably. Even though I’ve never been to Massachusetts it looks cool there like it has the coast. And like history and agriculture. It has white people who aren’t racist. Nice:) besides this I just like colder places. Last winter was the first time I saw snow and it was so cool. I fucking love snow. Besides this I like Nevada cause it has like cool lithospheric areas; and I also like Las Vegas. The food is good the time is fun. I could live in a hotel room. Free maid... well the maid is included with the cost but still. I’m from LA so Cali is automatic. I really like Venice beach and Satelle.. etc. I love the museums and the Libraries! Ugh I want to go around Los Angeles with Mr D. I even like the hood, I used to go there a lot for family and friends and people I knew there. The Vibes there are amazing too, I mean they’re not always good vibes but they’re vibes:)... I like the Valley and Northridge especially. I like the Farms and the Indoor gardens.. Ahhh, I just love it here. (21:11)

I have a great relationship with my dad. I actually have a better relationship with him than my mom. I think being attracted to guys my senior is due to other trauma I faced. Me and my dad understand each other the way a mother and daughter are supposed to. And I prefer being closer to my dad cause I like his side of the family a little bit more:)... I kinda really wanna marry D, idk a life with him just sounds really nice. If I could I would. I’m excited for my birthday on Sunday cause then it’s one more year closer to 18;D! I kinda feel bad cause it’s like I feel like I’m a whore like somethings wrong with me. Even though deep down I know emotions are emotions you can’t change them it kills me sometimes. The guilt about feeling a certain way... if I could I’d like to start over and be pure. I’d be so pure. I’d have crushes and fantasies but I would do a lot to be able to take back things I’ve done. Things that make me feel awful about being alive. But I can’t and I have to live with my exsist and the way the universe has designed fate. (01:08..Sep 19 ‘20)

[dan-the-science-man]

Rules: Answer all the questions and tag 20 other blogs(lol).

I was tagged by @homesweethomegirl thanks !!


(LAST)

DRINK: Water

PHONE CALL: To this random kid’s family bc they was hurt
.. but legit phone call to my wonderful friend jenny

TEXT MESSAGE: my sister sent my siblings and i a gif of this guy flipping off a deer.

SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Everybody Lost Somebody by Bleachers


TIME YOU CRIED: yesterday (i literally cry everyday y’all.) 


DATED SOMEONE TWICE: nope


KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: nope

BEEN CHEATED ON: nope


LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yeah.. a lot. most recent a few weeks ago


BEEN DEPRESSED: lol yea

GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: no

(3 FAVORITE COLORS): light blue, light/pastel purple, light green

(IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU)

MADE NEW FRIENDS: on here lol  


FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: nope


LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: yeah, like yesterday

FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: kinda


MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: a lot of ppl

FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: kindaa


KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: lol nope

(GENERAL)

HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: all of them

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a bunch of salt and freshwater fish and a dog

DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: kinda wanna change it to dan, but daniela is fine and dandy too


WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: went to a mac and cheese restaurant with my family

WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: 7:30 


WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: i was on tumblr or snapchat just talking to some good ppl


NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: moving in with one of the best people in my life and another really freaking great friend in fall of 2018 for college


WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: like 8 hours ago


WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: my fan and now Goodbye by Bleachers 


HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: I’m sure i have, but i honestly can’t think of a tom

SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: 
my body not letting me fucking sleep

MOST VISITED WEBSITE: tumblr. 100%

HAIR COLOR: dark brown/black and a like blue undercoat lol


LONG OR SHORT HAIR: short (but long for my preferences.) 


DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: hooo yes ….

WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: I’m fairly caring i think  

PIERCINGS: just one in each ear lobe and my helix  

BLOOD TYPE: idk


NICKNAME: dan (kinda), DD, dandan, dandan noodles, dani, gringa (my cousins call me that lol), ratona (rat in spanish bc i love cheese), coquita (which i just learned sometimes means vagina so I’m gonna stop now bc i hate everything.)

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single,, as always


ZODIAC: libra


PRONOUNS: they/them (but she/her is completely fine too)


FAVORITE TV SHOW: avatar the last airbender, and more recently bojack horseman

TATTOOS: none yet


RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: right


SURGERY: none

SPORT: i used to do soccer, cross country and a bit of distance track, but then i fucked up my knees, hips and foot..

VACATION: I’m going to mexico on monday (if that’s what this means ???)

PAIR OF TRAINERS: ..i wear the same blue converse every single day for every single occasion…

(MORE GENERAL)

EATING: im a fairly picky eater and now I’m trying to not eat sugar or consume caffeine after 5pm to try to help me sleep


DRINKING: i like apple juice.


I’M ABOUT TO: roam tumblr in bed 
for a few hours

WAITING FOR: tonight so that i can talk to my brother about my therapist and i thinking about getting checked out for antidepressants 


WANT: that gal to be more than a pal (i hate myself more every time i phrase it like this but i can’t appropriately express emotions like ever..)

GET MARRIED: hopefully, but honestly probably won’t happen

CAREER: sports medicine ???


(WHICH IS BETTER)

HUGS OR KISSES: i feel like this is unfair bc idk what kisses are like ✌️ so hugs, which are honestly really great

LIPS OR EYES: eyes

SHORTER OR TALLER: either

OLDER OR YOUNGER: either, but like two years younger or older than me tends to be when i start getting uncomfortable but there are always exceptions lol

NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: idk (do ppl actually look at this ????)

HOOKUP OR RELATIONSHIP: lmao relationship for sure

TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: hesitant

(HAVE YOU EVER)

KISSED A STRANGER: again, i have no experiences with kissing, soo no 


DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nope


LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: nah, i don’t have them

TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: kinda


SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: lmao


BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: i don’t think so

HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: nah 


BEEN ARRESTED: no 


CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: yea

FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: all the people that I’ve been romantically attracted to have been friends, but i haven’t really “fallen for” anyone.


(DO YOU BELIEVE IN)

YOURSELF: on a good day. (so like once every two months)


MIRACLES: i wish i did, but nope


LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: nah


SANTA CLAUS: sadly no


KISS  ON THE FIRST DATE: depends, so sure

ANGELS: again, i wish i did but no. i genuinely wish i did 
tho

(OTHER)

EYE COLOR: dark brown 


FAVORITE MOVIE: theres a lot (i can never decide on which i like more lol).. Kiki’s Delivery Service, Howl’s Moving Castle, Secret World of Arriety, Coraline, The Little Prince and Short Term 12

I tag anyone that read this far and wants to do it. genuinely y’all can say i tagged you

[stylessemantics]

11 Questions Tag

Rules:

1. Always post these rules. 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people.

I was tagged by my sweet @roseonhissleeve and there is a cut cause y’all know I love to babble on for ages! I also love this cause this is one of those tags you can get tagged back and do again every time! Isn’t that fun?!

1. What are three things that you are proud of?

My parents. My love for reading. Harry Styles.

2. If you could learn how to sing/perform one song perfectly, what song would it be?

Change The World by Eric Clapton and/or Don’t Know Why by Norah Jonas. Those two songs are masterpieces and beautiful to play on the piano which is what I need to learn so I can stop asking my mom to accompany me on the piano. CTW is also a very beautiful arrangement that I would kill to know the guitar part of as well.

3. If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?

What would I want my superpower to be? Power of persuasion? The power to copy other powers? Telekinesis, telepathy?

4. Do you have any tattoos/do you want any tattoos? Tell us about them.

I don’t have but I do want. The only thing i can tell you about them is that i like simple small designs like line art, minimal style things, pointillism as a method of shading, not extremely detailed or like hard just simple things like idk planets, roses, constellations, figures, cartoons or doodles, etc etc . Check my inkspiration tag.

5. Where do you go when you need to think?

I wish I had a place. I wish I could tell you there’s this little house on a hill or a treehouse or a cafe o some interesting spot like that but I don’t leave my house much and there are no spots like those over here that I could just escape to. So I’m guessing I don’t go anywhere physically but I do mentally with the help of music or a good book. 

6. What is your favourite Disney/animated movie?

I can’t choose. Every time Ella Enchanted is on I just have to watch it, but that’s not an animated movie, and I wouldn’t consider it a favourite (i can’t choose any favourites in anything sorry) Maybe Ratatouille? Or The Lion King?(the timon and pumbaa one)

7. What is your favourite book & why?

If I can’t pick an animated film how do you expect me to pick a book WOWOWOWOWOW talk about unfair, and impossible. Wings by Aprilynne Pike always comes to mind because I just LOVED it when I read it back in like 9th grade, and because I recently discovered it’s 5 books NOT 2 AND I HAVE ONLY READ 2!? Also To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han. Palacios’ WONDER. The Book Of Lost Things? The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. Red Queen? IDK IDK IDK I want to read more. There was this line in The Perks Of Being A Wallflower that goes “this is my favourite book, but then I’ll read another and that will be my favourite book” or something along those lines and that right there is the definition of me. 

8. What is a song that not a lot of people know that you wish was more popular?

Nope. Not Saying. JK I Don’t have one. I’m always searching for new music and even older tunes that catch my eye I just... IDK. I do love sharing music, I love being able to light up someone’s day with a song recommendation cause it feels good to be all “yo listen to this, you’re going to love it” and share the love, but then again sometimes you discover a song and you’re like “nope, mine mine mine” and you want to keep it to yourself and then it’s on the radio and you’re like pissed but also glad cause now it gets the well deserved praise? That’s me too. And I don’t have any songs right now. Let’s go with Always by Panic! At The Disco. IDK why but I feel like not everyone has listened to that beautifully written jam, and everyone has to.

9. Where do you get your inspiration?

anywhere. I haven’t lived many experiences. Writing romantic fics/songs? I have the most inactive romantic life ever. It has never been activated for me to say it’s NOW inactive so... I just have a vivid imagination and I enjoy coming up with things, stories, scenarios, visuals, etc. I sometimes grab a tenth part of something that happened to me and sprinkle all the fiction possible and write it. My love songs are all stories I wish had happened to me or me writing from a friend’s perspective after they tell me their story and i live the romance vicariously through them. It’s why I don’t think my songs are any good. They are not real cause I never experienced that. And that’s just when it comes to romance stuff, there’s a whole other batch of genres I’ve never experienced IRL and still try and talk about.

10. What makes you happy?

Harry Styles. Music. Writing. Reading. Doodling. My Family. Imagining a future in which im happy and have some answers to some of my questions. my friends. making friends. Discovering things i like. Travelling. Not having depressive thoughts. Watching my fave youtubers. Seeing other people happy

11. Why are you a 1D fan?

boy, oh boy. I have no idea. They just drew me in, without me looking for anything they just popped and I liked it and there was nothing wrong with that, I just like music idc who sings it and then we see if I like the artist as a person to explicitly follow all their work, which happened with 1D, I read up on them and caught their performances on the tv or looked them up and realised how awesome they were as humans and that made me like them a bit more to the point where I was a fan. An Actual Fully Fledged fan, not just an “oh i like this song” and I have no idea how, or why, it just happened and they were too good to drop. I am a fan cause they are amazing people. Isn’t that just how it goes? You don’t know why you love someone, you just do, and that’s how it goes.

MY QUESTIONS

Do you have a favourite pet name? What is it and why, and if you don’t have/don’t like pet names; why?

Tell me a Joke:

Are you a plant inside the house person? If yes; fake or real plants. if not: why?

Take me down memory lane and tell me a first. (first tattoo, first kiss, first time you saw the colour pink idc, just take me with you)

Pick one of Harry’s 8 unreleased songs and give me a prediction. What does it sound like? What is it about? Get creative and write a verse of the song if you want. Just for funsies!

You’ve just won a Grammy/Oscar/Emmy/IDK. Thank you speech? Go:

Fill in the blanks: I instantly smile when _____ because _____

Favourite Harry Trait? #AHarryLovePlatform.

What don’t you understand? (besides this question, come on, be creative) ((example: IDU how people don’t like Harry Styles))

If a sandwich was named after you, what would it be called (your name or something else)? What did you do to earn that honour? What’s in it? (taken from my 1 page at a time daily creative companion book)

Recommend me: a song, a book and a movie. (they can be Harry inspo or not. Just give me art!)

AND NOW I TAG: @hstylescouk @roseonhissleeve @inwhichitrytowritesomething @harrycarryme @legend-waitforit-harry @kasiwrites @permanentcross @trulymadlysydney @aqua-harry @adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy @ihearthemcallingxx Wish i can tag more of youse but i was asked for 11 sorryyyyy You’re all more than welcome to do these and tag me back!

[theperfectladiesman]

Saiyuki meme part 2

34) What character do you think is least like yourself?

~Probably Ukoku. I’m not a psychopath or sociopath looking to snuff out life and light. And he’s super cunning and manipulative. 

35) What is a shipping you’re not on board with? (Be respectful!)

~I pretty much ship nearly everything under the sun for the most part. Or can at least understand or respect a ship. I ship I wouldn’t really be on board with though would be Li Touten x Nataku. Or Dokugakuji’s mom x Doku/Gojyo. Just not my thing.

36 ) Which Saiyuki character do you think could easily adjust to modern times?

~I’d say nearly all the main cast. I think they’ve all been through so much & they’ve learned to get really good with adapting and rolling with the punches. But if I had to narrow it down, perhaps Goku. Followed closely by Gojyo. They seem the most easy going & quickly accepting & adaptable. Likewise, I think Kougaiji would be one of the ones who would struggle the most perhaps. 

37) What is your favorite quote?

~There’s A LOT of good ones. Seeing as I have the opposite of a photographic memory... I can’t remember what my fav would be. A really good, memorable one though is where Kou overcame Ukoku’s mind control & gave him the whole speech where he wont be controlled again & his friends helped him to the light. Idk, something to that effect. Maybe I’ll come back to this question later after I find the exact lines.

38) Do you binge read the entire series or read selected chapters?

~Usually when I binge read or binge watch, it’s from start to finish on the entire series. If I just want to research something or remember a specific thing, it’s selected chapters.

39) Are you more a fan of Gensomaden Saiyuki or Saiyuki Reload/Gunlock?

~With the anime, Gensomaden. With the manga, its definitely Reload. 

40) Your favorite character became a mythical beast. What would they be?

~This.... is a tough one. If I wanted to take the easy option, I’d say it would be Kougaiji and he’d totally be a dragon. Or if I wanted to be funny, saying Gojyo being a kappa. I could see Hakkai being the male form of a Dryad. But I think my favorite is Sanzo... and the only thing I can think of to liken him to is the Phoenix. Sanzo’s “like the sun” and Phoenix is a sun bird. Phoenix’s rise from the ashes and Sanzo got burned by Kou’s fire and still rose to his feet. 

41) If you HAD to choose a character to die, who would it be?

~Well, this doesn’t say -MAIN- character. I wish I could say Ukoku... that would spare everyone so much misery... but I like the psycho bastard. So...Gyokumen Koushu. Then maybe Kou would get his mom back & he could team up with Sanzo!

42) Would you rather: Have all characters die or Have only one survive

~The question is.... would it be like Goku? Have them forget & then be reunited with the reincarnations? On one hand, it would be nice to have one survive to carry on the memory of everyone who died. But....I feel like there’s something incredibly unfair & cruel about having only one survive... so I guess I’d rather them all die. 

43) If [character] got into a fight with [character] who would win?

~Lol its hard to do these ones when I’m just answering them myself. 

44) What does Gojyo’s marking look like to you?

~I answered this one already, basically, a tribal flame

45) If Sanzo became a demon, what kind of marking do you think he’d have?

~I kinda wanna say something like the youkai Suika. Something small & round on his forehead in place of the chakra. Or it would probably be somewhere more discrete like his back or upper arm, a red color instead of black...idk the shape/design.

46) If [character] died, what do you think they’d be reborn as?

~I think Zakuro would love to be reborn in the golden age (Elizabethanera) cuz that’s when theatre, music, poetry & literature flourished. Perhaps Kougaiji/Hazel in the Victorian age and Ukoku in the Edwardian era... I know that’s not what the questions asking, but it is interesting to think diff era’s you’d put them in. 

47) After the journey, what do you think [character] will be doing?

~Hmm... I’ll just stick with Gojyo for this one. Assuming he’s still alive after the journey. I think he’d stick with Hakkai. (grudingly)Helping out around the shop if Hakkai worked/owned a shop. I could see Gojyo maybe being a bar tender or an escort/host... or whatever those equivalents are in the Saiyuki era, or just keeps raking in money with his gambling while being domestic with Hakkai.

48) If [character] had a tumblr, what would they reblog?

~This one’s a fun question. I think if Gojyo had a tumblr, the majority would reflect the 3 things he likes most- women, booze, and smokes. Probably sprinkle in some selfies of himself being all sexy, cheesy pick up lines and puns, maybe some crude jokes, more scantily clad women, and gambling tips. Then there’s probably some stuff he’d reblog for the sake of Sanzo,Hakkai, and Goku if they had tumblr as well. Monkey posts to tease Goku, life hacks for Hakkai, & random stuff that would piss off Sanzo. Probably jokes about cranky old men or something. 

49) What is your favorite animated scene?

~umm.... idk... all of Gaiden?

50) [Character]; Boxers, briefs, or commando?

~I feel like Gojyo would have an occasion for all three. Briefs when he’s planning to get with a lady or impress. Boxers when he’s lounging with the boys. And sometimes commando, mainly when sleeping if he has his own room. 

51) What 3 or more tropes fits your favorite character?

~ummm.... running gag, ship tease, and funny moments. (gojyo)

52) What are 3 tropes that describe [character]?

~fiery redhead, the alcoholic, and jerk with a heart of gold (gojyo)

53) If Saiyuki got a 4th series, what would it be called?

~Well now that there is a 4th season coming out... Saiyuki Reload Blast XD (now we just need an Ibun OVA!!!)

54) If your favorite character could control an element, what would it be?

~Fav charater’s always been between Sanzo and Kougaiji... though recently I often wonder if it’s not Hazel now. I think Lightning suits Sanzo. Fire for Kou. And Ice for Hazel. Earth for Goku & Hakkai. Wind for Yaone.

55) Was there a character you used to love but no longer do?

~I dont think so actually. I think everyone I love I still do and everyone I hate I still do. 

56) What has been the saddest moment for you in the series?

~Yakumo’s death. Yakumo’s whole chapter arc.  And the end of Gaiden.

57) What is your favorite anime/manga genre?

~Psychological thriller/horror (but I also like romance & action & drama)

58) Name 5 other characters you like along with your fav Saiyuki character.

~Spike Spiegel, Axel, Seto Kaiba, Zelos Wilder, Alvin Svent, and Snow Villiers

59) Do you prefer subbed or dubbed anime?

~Dubbed. But most of the time subbed is 100 x’s better... obviously.

60) Did you watch the anime first or read the manga?

~Gensomaden anime came first.

61) Do you seek out spoilers or avoid at all cost?

~I avoid them at all cost, most of the time. Unless it’s something I’m not planning to watch or read.

62) Do you write fan fics or draw fan art? If so, link!

~I do, on both accounts. I don’t have any Saiyuki fanfics though. If anyone really want links, I’ll send them privately in IM’s. My Saiyuki fanart can all be found on my blog. Other fan art of diff fandoms is on DA. I only have a couple of completed fanfics on fanfiction.net... most of my work isn’t finished so that’s not really worth linking, I wouldn’t think.

63) What was the most pointless filler in the anime?

~I can’t really think of anything... maybe the sauna one where Goku thinks Sanzo turns into a demon. Or the kitty one. Don’t get me wrong, I loved both those episodes... but in regards to the plot, they don’t contribute a thing. 

64) How do you describe Saiyuki to a friend who has never heard of it?

~Four guys travel west to stop the resurrection of a demon lord. Um... there’s lots of humor and action. It’s amazing. It’s.... kinda gay without actually being gay.

65) If you RP what is your favorite thing to Roleplay?

~answered this one~

66) What is your favorite Saiyuki Opening or Ending for the animes?

~The opening for Gaiden is very gorgeous, perhaps that one <3

67) What’s something you think would improve the series?

~HAVING MORE MANGA TRANSLATED AND PUBLISHED HERE IN AMERICA! And bring back some minor characters, that’d be cool to see.

68) Who, in your opinion, has the most tragic backstory?

~Geez... that’s like comparing a life time of stomach issues to someone who has a life time of mental illness... both are equally tragic. If I HAD to pick.... Yakumo.... I’m just gonna go with Yakumo. Technically, it’s not really a backstory but what’s he was presently doing. Having such a kind, soft heart... wanting nothing more but to save, shelter, and raise youkai kids... and choosing to kill them when they go berserk, perhaps with the whole mentality of ‘kill a few to save the whole’. It’s so tragic. Other than that, I can’t choose 1 over the other for tragic back stories cuz everyone has it equally bad in some way. 

I guess I can say the tie would be between Gojyo, Sanzo, Hakkai, Goku, Dokugakuji, Hazel, and Nataku.

69) Who would be best at pleasing their lover?

~It kinda depends on what said lover wants most our of their partner and if it’s true love or a fling. If they both knew what they were doing, Goku & Kou would be very thorough, patient, and thoughtful lovers. Gojyo would be best at bringing the skill/pleasure in a pure sexual aspect. Hakkai’s difficult to pin down. He’d be gentle with the same qualities I listed for Gok/Kou.... but he’d have this wall up at the same time. Sanzo... just probably wouldn’t be the best, if he got intimate at all to begin with. Hazel’s so... antagonistic. I’ll just go with Gojyo or Dokugakuji. 

70) What do you think Saiyuki would be like if Kougaiji and co were the main protagonists? Do you think you’d still enjoy it? 

~A lot less humor and more dark because it would be more from the “villains” POV. Kou’s kinda angsty. I don’t think Saiyuki would be as well recieved and loved from Kougaiji’s & co’s pov... and there’s several characters we might have missed out on.... but I think it’s something I would still really enjoy. If its written by Kazuya Minekura, she’d make it amazing regardless. 

71) What minor character had a significant impact on the plot?

~I think that would have to be Hazel Grouse.

72) On a scale from 1 - 10, 1 being not much and 10 being too much, how much does Saiyuki Gaiden hurt you?

~TEN

73) What character is still a mystery to you?

~Perhaps Koumyou or Ukoku (maybe even Yaone in the sense that we kinda know next to nothing about her... that I can recall). But with Koumyou especially, both of them are just so complex & different than I am that they’re difficult for me to understand. 

74) What is the funniest moment in the series?

~It really says something about how much a perv I really am if the very first scene that pops into my mind after thinking about what my fav moment could be is.... Gojyo & Goku wrestling & arguing on the bed and that lady walks in & thinks they’re doing, or about to do, something naughty. Oddly, I Really like the scene where Gojyo mimics Sanzo too. 

75) Who is your favorite minor character?

~Hazel or Banri or Zenon ...... Yakumo & Zakuro are p great too

76) Which character has had the most growth?

~I think that would have to be Goku

77) Which character needs more development?

~hmmmm........Lirin maybe? 

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

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A post shared by J a m i e O t i s 🤰🏼 (@jamienotis) on Feb 22, 2020 at 9:22am PST

I watched them late on Married at First Sight

Like it been 3 years and they were doing the baby thing and I thought they were doing good and all was okay. I put them to the side and kept going on.

Then one day i read they lost their baby.

Since then i prayed so hard they would have a full family and not suffer again. Just firmly, let them have their babies!!

Check with the other Gods they're having it and it's safe and good am I right?

Every time I see her belly. I get scared "I hope everything will turn out alright" sometimes Alex hears and confirms it will, no worries.

Sometimes Saint Luches says you could say it better

"Okay THEY NEED their baby and to be happy"

"Okay. Baby. They will"

They make me work, they do.

Idk they lost their baby. Tree says it was unsafe. So that change the baby would made at that Time would lead them to the wrong place at the wrong time. For some reason it was inescapable.

For no reason except the wrong timing.

No one in their family's fault.

You know, like the kid is into soccer and one day a soccer field is hit by a terrorist attack we were unable to stop. And they would died.

Or like some evil aliens said if 5909 boys are born then we will kill the world and so they were the strongest, most "stubborn" and determined that they were the best to prevent that.

I'm so sad for their losses, I've lost so much time and love. So I pray so extra hard when i see them.

They are one reason why we are changing the world. Punsihing good people because evil exists is wrong.

Its unfair and wrong.

They would moved to the wrong town with high volumes of human trafficking. So the loss of the child re worked their minds so it would be safer. His spirit chose to not be born to protect his family. Jonathan. He is their guardian angel.

They moved to one of the safest areas in the world recently with his guiding heart in their dreams of sleep.

It was Jonathon's 3rd life and he was to be a hermaphrodite. But he spoke to a higher God and said the world is too unsafe even for me, i have a different idea...

They were found in bunkers and have no parents. So if you haven't taken your DNA4U you should. You could be related to these beautiful people that unborn children find that instead of being one of those famous kids, it's better to be an Angel for them.

The honor is of the highest. To who would have been their son.

If that wasn't enough...

I found about the stolen eggs from children to create additional humans -- not clones -- just more children for human trafficking.

And i was talking about that and birth control sponges in the uterus and they were seeing a specialist.

They confirmed for me the use of sponges for birth control. And at the same time became pregnant.

So for me they were in the right place in the right time. And i was so touched and amazed and i felt so loved in a cold cruel world

Because i saw their love for each other and the world.

It was what I needed.

So these amazing people. They love family so much and people and they have the hugest hearts and brightest smiles

Often i wonder if there's any one that believes so strongly in love like me. And yet has almost an allergic reaction. She does.

Made me fall in love with her story and her and Doug in a mom way.

Which is ironic because im told she's my daughter and Saint Luches as well.

Doug is Jesse Tony Jamison and Tatiana's

So naturally they're Gods and Goddesses.

She's 77% Neanderthal.

He's 42%

Some would say they're inbred. But she gained more of my genes while he gained more of Jesse's hence the low percent. Doug only got 12% of my cousin Tatiana. And that was the 12% that Jamie did not get from me.

So you see, there's no inbred at all to pass to their children.

Girls always have more % of Neanderthal than boys. Because they're the womb. So the % that can't be passed due to the initial low percent of human population from Armageddon would be absorbed through the spirit and soul and not fed by the body. Its the intuition given by the womb from the mother's blood and placenta.

That is why we have been encouraging to refine and develop and correct issues with intuition.

It creates a healthy planet.

So its not often i get to connect with my 5 million kids nor know they are my children.

But I said how Jamie is nothing but hugs and love and makes me nothing but (worried/scared) happy and proud.

The proudest. I told her when i met "i never felt so strongly about anyone as i do yoh except Annabelle"

But we said our ages and so nope. No reason for it to make sense.

So i hope she and all my kids remember to celebrate Chandler's Love Race Weekends because those weekends are to celebrate their lives.

Even if they live in Japan. The USA are for Sabrina kids. But also IsIs, Godiva and Cleopatra.

But mostly for Sabrina once the others begin.

But for now its all and Chandler loves that to celebrate her and her siblings lives.

She calls it her birthday. And all the "charity" is birthday party favors and all the races are the birthday parties.

Thats the way we designed it.

Then we unfolded it and opened it to include a celebration for every person in the world.

I cherish my children more than any one could understand.

I know it's 5 million but each one us unique and individual and independent and beautiful

Their smiles make me smile their tears make my tears.

Even if i don't know they're my child. Its such a strong maternal connection.

Annabelle is the only child I have raised in this lifetime. So I know i had very little time with any of my kids and the 2+ million with Michael was only as they were eggs and not yet humans.

But i know my love with them will be no different than Jamie's.

She's a success stoey.

If you lost a child in your life, you have one, too. So take your DNA4U, today.

[flockofdoves]

i dont really know why im posting this on my public blog instead of privately or probably even more sensibly with people i care about (although i just feel so alienated, i’ve become good friends with people in college and i love them a lot but i’m not sure despite how open some people have encouraged me to be, if my relationships are close enough to talk about this kinds of stuff seriously, which might be a weird concern because i overshare all the time but i just always feel really guilty for it) i guess i mind less about people hearing this and more about burdening anyone in specific, idk!!

but yeah ive just been really emotional this week, or really ive had the same range of emotions as usual but ive just been crying a lot again. i used to cry almost every day and have like weekly panic attacks in high school when my relationship with my parents was really toxic and i was harassed every day at school my senior year, but since freshman year after my dad was diagnosed and then my nana passed away and then my dad passed away too for the most part i’ve just been holding in so much and i’m finally starting to let that out this past month or so but in really weird ways where i’ll burst out sobbing even in public over the stupidest shit

and thats started to happen multiple times a week as of this past week and its made me realize how i feel alone all over again. i have one person at university i would consider to genuinely be a close friend even if he may not consider me a best friend, i’m not sure, but we only see each other around every other week when we actually plan to hang out because we’re no longer in any of the same classes or dorms or anything. beyond that i feel most comfortable with people from work, and consider many of them to be my friends, but recently some of my co-managers have been speaking out about how they feel unwelcome in our work environment and it can feel cliquey and it makes me so upset that i didn’t pick up the cues that shouldve made me realize that, i feel like i’m not doing my part and if i am misinterpreting my relationships with my coworkers, then maybe they dont even consider me as much of a friend as i do them.

and then ive started to get closer with a few people ive only really talked to since school started and they really all are just such wonderful people and i want to get to know them better but i worry the way i’m opening up to them is disproportionate and unfair to them but i really don’t know how to navigate this all.

its making me realize i dont think my avoidant personality disorder shit ever actually improved for the most part, it was just that my two best friends, shannon and burke, and my girlfriend, jacqueline, have been a constant in my life for so long now that my constant anxieties about my relationships with others and my interactions didn’t feel as prominent because at least logically i knew i could rely on them

and of course i can, i love all three of them so much and they have been for me through so much, but since college i don’t get to see shannon every day and burke multiple times a month, when we catch up its wonderful, and i’m sure its all natural to how long term friendships work, but not having them here physically sometimes makes me feel a bit more lonely, because regardless of how many seemingly positive interactions i have with someone who isn’t them or who i’ve met in the past couple years, based on experience i can never have the reassurance that i have with them that they have explicitly given me throughout the years for ages after where i currently stand in all my irl friendships, and who knows how much of that all is mutual even now we’re those newer friendships are at. and even jacqueline, who i try to talk to as much as possible, this past year has been so emotionally draining that i’ve slipped into not talking at least once a day like we used to and i feel like i dont have nearly as much time as i want to be spending with her having fun. and for all three of them i worry i just am not there for them like i want to be.

and just specifically with romantic stuff it makes me so upset i’ve only ever got to visit jacqueline irl once, which was almost a year ago now, and that most of that memory even though i loved the short time we had i also associate with my dads health turning even worse because his legs becoming paralyzed while me and my mom were in oklahoma of course meant that we cut the trip short because of course we wanted to make sure my dad was safe and okay.

and yeah just after crying again today, my new friends hugging me was really nice, but when i went into my room right afterward i burst out sobbing, and i have no idea how to recover from this or comfort myself effectively, i only know how to sleep it off and feel like shit when i wake up halfway through the next day. so now thats why i’m writing this to vent and have been for like the past 45 minutes and still havent really gotten to all of it. i don’t know how to comfort myself but i know right now i just really wish i had someone that could just lie down with me and comfort me, maybe even a bit romantically.

and i feel really goofy for saying that, i get really self conscious about how immature i feel compared to so many people my age, sometimes i think its in part an autism thing but also i know other autistics at my university who aren’t like this so i really don’t have a decent excuse but like . i’ve never even done that with someone.

me and jacqueline only got to see each other essentially a day before i suddenly needed to go back to ohio, we were both so nervous, we took a while to even hold hands, and that day and a half we saw each other i had my first kiss, and later my last kiss i’ve had since. both of those and the ones in between being just a peck on the lips. i’m not complaining about that, i don’t think we should’ve rushed our pace, but i think it goes to show how lost i feel in navigating this all if even after knowing her so well and dating her for over 2 years at that point, i froze so much.

i’m comfortable with jacqueline with stuff like that because she’s expressed shes in a similar boat, and i really appreciate that understanding. i think its wonderful how we’ve been together for almost 3 years now, but also thinking about that is wild. i was in such a different place back then, i don’t think i really knew what dating someone or being in a relationship entailed. i’m happy with how we go about our relationship, but also i get really lost when comparing how i define and go about romantic things versus most people i’ve met in college. i’ve never been in a relationship with anyone but her, and i’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t long distance. i love her and i wish she were closer so maybe we could begin to figure that out together. also ive had a lot of casual crushes on girls at college in the past couple years and i think it would be really nice to explore that too, but honestly i have no idea how to go about that and its so daunting to try to think about so i just resign it as unrealistic unless something extremely significant changes within the next few years, and then i’ll be really pathetic for not knowing anything as a fucking 23 year old maybe in grad school or something. and so i just get to feeling more lonely and having more anxiety about my interactions and relationships with others.

i know its a common thing apparently for lgbt people to be “late bloomers” but im surrounded by so many lgbt people who are so far ahead of me with relationship stuff, and i don’t think i’ve met a single lgbt person in college besides myself who is quite this inexperienced/naive/etc.

i dont know how i’m ever supposed to learn this stuff at this rate, even if i feel slightly less bad about stuff like my appearance and personality nowadays (or more like, i know i look weird but i care less now because i dont care enough any more to try changing my appearance over it, and then i’m still terrible with communication and social cues and oversharing and all my weird shit etc etc etc but i guess at least i try to be compassionate and that must at least be somewhat noticeable if other people sometimes remark on it), even if people are fine with that and find me interesting enough, i really don’t see how almost any girl who got that far would then find it worth it to deal with how fucking stunted i am in that regard. like thats just not fair to have to have someone guide me around so much because i just have no idea what to do and no idea How to figure that out.

so yeah im just . having a rough time im very emotional and expressing it physically (which while somewhat cathartic after feeling so empty, also makes me feel worse because the context in which i last was like this is not one i want to dwell on now that my dad has passed and ive been in the process of forgiveness) and i have so much love for so many people but also i feel so so so so so lost and alone and stunted and i really just don’t know how to begin working on that and its really embarrassing to admit.