#if 18/19 year old burnout me could see me now

[queenboimler]

i am a firm believer that grades dont actually matter

but there is something so goddamn validating about consistently getting better than average grades in law school

[cheesybadgers]

Narcos Fic: Old Habits Die Hard (Chap. 13)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24

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Pairing: Javier Peña x Horacio Carrillo

Words: 9,819

Summary: With Horacio now safely in hiding and Javier and Steve still out of action, the tranquillity of the ranch gives everyone much-needed downtime and the opportunity for some long overdue heart-to-hearts. 

Warnings: 18+ ONLY. Grief, parental loss, religious guilt, discussions of sexuality/coming out, brief mentions of period-typical prejudices, smut including anal fingering/sex and mild power dynamics, dreams/nightmares, brief mentions of canon-typical violence, angst (but also lots and lots of softness and fluff, fear not!), swearing, smoking, drinking. 

Notes: Firstly, I absolutely did not intend to leave such a big gap between posting chapters, oops! A combination of creative burnout followed by covid (I’m fine now) completely threw me off course. Secondly, hopefully the ridiculous size of this chapter makes up for the lack of updates recently 😂 Thirdly, I just wanted to say a huge thank you to those still reading/interacting. I know following a long fic can be frustrating waiting for updates, so I appreciate anyone along for the ride ❤️ I’ve got some time off work coming up, so hoping to get stuck into chapter 14 soon! 

Whilst obviously I do not own Narcos or its characters, please do not copy, re-post, or plagiarize this fic in any capacity on this or other platforms. If you wish to create any fan works inspired by it, please provide a credit or send me a message if in doubt.

Chapter 13: Revelations

Javier quietly closed the guesthouse door as he stepped into the chilled night air and made his way to the weathered porch swing in the backyard. He was grateful for the oversized sweater he’d thrown on and nestled his fingers deeper into the long sleeves. 

It was an old one left abandoned from his pre-Colombia days dug out from his bedroom closet, possibly a Christmas present from a distant relative. Horacio had borrowed it earlier that evening, leaving behind a comforting scent of aftershave and tobacco.

Javier inhaled, eyes closed, and sunk further into the soft fabric.

After many years of city living, he’d forgotten how clear the skies were here. He had lost count of the number of times he’d laid in the long grass looking up at the stars when he was younger. It was easy to kid himself that he could reach out and touch them, re-arrange them at his will. That had always been his problem. An optical illusion that he was capable of controlling more than he could in reality.

He supposed it started when his mother fell ill. The sicker she became, the more helpless he felt. It didn’t matter that he was only a child himself, and realistically, what could he have done anyway? Everyone around him prayed each day. He tried his best, but some days he would forget. Or, some days he would look at his Mamá and see how frail she was and wonder what the point was.

That wasn’t long before the self-flagellation set in. When he wished that he hadn’t skipped those days because then maybe she would still have been there. When he started to question whether that was why he wasn’t like most of the other boys at school. When he wanted to talk about boys in the same way he talked about girls but couldn’t. When he got so used to keeping his emotions under lock and key, it would become a destructive habit that would take decades and one person to help him break. Maybe if he’d just said his prayers like everyone else, none of this would ever have happened.

As he got older and wiser, he rejected a lot of the bullshit instilled in him. But everything became tied up with overcompensating in some way or another. It was partly why he took the transfer to Colombia when it came up. In hindsight, he didn’t know why he was under the misguided notion it would be a simple case of good guys vs bad guys. But it was what he needed at the time, no matter how naïve such black-and-white thinking was.

“Can’t sleep either, huh?” A familiar long shadow appeared, and much to Javier’s relief, the owner of the shadow was armed with a six-pack of beers.

“How did you know?”

“Partner’s intuition.”

“Ah, of course.”

Steve sat down on the swing, causing it to sway with the extra weight. “I think it’s the quiet out here. Not used to it these days.”

“No, nothing quite like a shootout by your window to soothe you to sleep.”

“Damn right. Thought you might appreciate a nightcap.” Steve slackened a couple of bottles from the packaging and popped the lids off on the edge of the seat before handing one to Javier.

“Thanks. You know me too well.”

“Not as well as my wife, apparently,” Steve scoffed before taking a long, quenching gulp from his bottle.

It was a conversation they had both been putting off, but Javier was pleasantly surprised that Steve was taking the bull by the horns. And relieved because it meant he didn't have to. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you.”

“Hey, man, no. I wasn’t – that’s not what I meant. I get it. I guess I just should’ve seen it sooner and backed off. Although, a lotta shit makes sense now. No wonder he hated me when I first showed up.”

It was enough to ease the tension as they sniggered into their bottles.

“Modest, Murphy. Real modest.”

“Oh, come on! He might as well have fuckin’ peed around you. Remember that first night you let me tag along? If looks could kill.”

Those days felt like a lifetime ago to Javier, and so much had changed – apart from the small fact that Escobar was still a free man. A surge of heat rose in his cheeks at the realisation that was only hitting him now: Horacio had been jealous. Of course. How hadn’t he seen it back then? And why was the thought of it giving him something of a thrill?

No sooner had that question crossed his mind than he pulled himself out of his head and took a much-needed swig of his beer. “You were pretty fucking clueless back then, to be fair. Oh, and he still thinks you can’t speak Spanish for shit.”

“Is that right?” With a boyish grin plastered across his face, Steve shouted “¡Coma mierda, pendejo!” in the general direction of the guesthouse, despite the fact Javier was the intended target of his pettiness. Mostly.

Javier hushed him and lightly smacked him on the shoulder. “Yeah, bravo, Steve. Did Olivia teach you that?”

They had both dissolved into laughter again, Javier definitely catching a mumbled Fuck you in there somewhere too.

“Steve…are we – are we still okay?” Javier asked after they had settled down again. He was taken aback by how timid his voice sounded and almost didn’t recognise it as his own. But then this was new territory, he guessed for both of them.

“Javi, ‘course we are. I mean, you probably coulda picked someone a bit less fuckin’ volatile…” He paused with a smirk to allow Javier the obligatory expletive-filled comeback, which Javier was happy to provide. “But it makes no difference to me, and you know I ain’t gonna say shit to anyone.”

That went without saying, but it soothed Javier’s nerves to hear it nonetheless. This wasn’t something he’d ever spoken about in the past. It was always something he, didn’t necessarily feel ashamed of – at least not these days – but rather had been forced to hide out of necessity. It wasn’t the kind of small talk you made with your partner whilst on a stakeout or at the bar after hours. And everyone he’d ever worked with knew all too well of his interest in women, so it was easier and safer to let them make their own assumptions.

He gave a nod of thanks to Steve in reply and sensed a weight had lifted. It was a weight he had always carried and probably always would to some extent, but for the time being, he basked in the relief of feeling that little bit lighter for a change.

Only the gentle rustling of the breeze through the trees and the distant hoot of an owl could be heard as they sat in companionable silence.

“What d’you think they’ll do with us?” Steve eventually asked.

It had taken a couple of weeks after they left Colombia for Messina to get in touch. And even then, it was just a curt call informing them that it was best if they used up what was left of their vacation time until Christmas, with a ruling to be made in the New Year. It was all suspiciously vague, but at least it gave them extra downtime.

“Fuck knows. Best case scenario? We’re on desk duties until they find Escobar.”

“And worst case?”

Javier threw Steve a scathing look that said all that needed to be said.

Steve raised his arms in surrender. “Alright, alright! Point taken. Would you go back, though? If they don’t fire us.”

Javier drained the rest of his beer before reaching immediately for another bottle and busying himself with opening it. “Guess I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it.” A cheat of an answer, admittedly, but not a lie.

“Right. ‘Course.” Steve followed suit and snapped open another bottle. “When Connie went back to Miami, I thought about leaving.”

“But you didn’t, though.”

Steve let out a hollow laugh that whistled through the neck of the beer bottle. “Nope.” He took another swig. “I offered to, but she shrugged it off. Just told me to make sure I’m still me when it’s over.”

That sounded suspiciously like something Chucho had said to Javier on multiple occasions. When each Christmas, Javier had come back that little bit harder to reach than the last. And in the end, they’d had to call an unspoken truce not to bring the subject up again for the rest of Javier’s stay because it never got them anywhere.

Javier stared out across the plains that glinted like jewelled waves under the crisp, clear sky as Steve’s loosened drawl dimmed to background noise.

He guzzled his way through his drink whilst the stubborn part of him pretended he was still the same kid who had looked up at the same stars with awe and wonder. With ambition and hunger. When the world had felt like his oyster and was his for the taking. Anything to get away from here where it seemed everyone but Javier already had his life planned out for him. 

But that was the thing about optical illusions. They were only able to deceive the eye for so long.

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Not long after Javier had bid goodnight to Steve and slipped into bed unnoticed, he woke with a start. The room was still layered in shades of darkness, although a chorus of birdsong from a nearby cluster of mesquite trees drifted through an open window.

Even before he reached across to find Horacio’s half of the bed empty, he sensed he was alone. He never used to think of himself as the type who needed the security of someone by his side every night, but now that he was accustomed to it, he felt the absence more keenly.

For the first couple of weeks, sleep had come easier than ever for them. In Colombia, they so often tried to fight it. To push through the pain barrier for the sake of another raid, wiretap or CI lead. It didn’t matter if it was a dead-end that got them nowhere; their commitment to the cause was relentless because it had to be. There was no choice.

But here, all of that disappeared overnight, the adrenaline rush they chased no more. It was like the sound was suddenly cut with no warning, plunging them into a vacuum, but their ears still rang in the deafening silence. For a few days, anyway.

Until their fatigue caught up with them and every last reserve they had was depleted. When attempting simple functions was like hitting an impenetrable wall too high to climb over even if they had the strength to try. When anything more complex was like wading through an endless mass of viscous tar.

Then sleep wasn’t an option; it was a necessity. An involuntary state that was impossible to fight even if they wanted to. But for the first time in a long while, they didn’t want to. They embraced it, welcomed it, gave themselves over to it.

It was only after the fog of physical exhaustion lifted, and once their bodies were healing, their routine slipped. After Messina’s call, thoughts of work re-emerged and old ghosts appeared in their dreams again. Bursting the serene bubble they had created and reminding them of what was still going on out there, even if they couldn’t see it.

Javier padded barefoot from the bedroom to the half-lit kitchen, cold air still clinging to the wooden flooring beneath his toes. He came to a halt as he took in the sight of Horacio standing over the sink, pouring himself a glass of water.

After leaving Carlos Holguín in a hurry, Javier only had time to grab a few essentials from his and Steve’s bunkroom and Horacio’s locker. But those amounted to little more than toiletries and a spare change of clothes or two. Not exactly sufficient for however long Horacio was going to be staying here. So, armed with a list of measurements, Steve and Connie had ventured into Laredo to pick up some extras.

Javier would never forget Horacio’s face when he held the dark blue denim up against his legs, almost as if he didn’t know what to do with it. Javier had reminded him that he was in cowboy territory now, but it didn’t do anything to temper Horacio’s glare.

In the here and now, whilst Javier hadn’t bothered to put on any clothes – a choice he was regretting given the temperature – Horacio had thrown on his new jeans, along with a red plaid shirt Javier recognised as his own. It was another item dug out from the past, along with the sweater.

The shirt was left unbuttoned, as although their shoulders were of a similar build, Horacio’s chest and waist were broader, and he carried more muscle than Javier. Understandably, they were both softer around the middle since the ambush, so any attempts to fasten the shirt had the buttons straining in protest.

As the water ran into the sink, Javier’s gaze instinctively honed in on the way the denim clung to the curve of Horacio’s ass and the meat of his thighs, as though it had been made for him. In all of the time they’d known each other, Javier was sure he’d only ever seen Horacio in khakis or his uniform. So, the novelty of jeans hadn’t worn off yet, especially when combined with his own shirt.

Before Horacio had a chance to turn around, Javier made his move, encircling Horacio’s waist under the fabric of his shirt. Taking care to avoid their injuries, he pressed forwards, his chin landing on Horacio’s left shoulder.

Horacio tensed for a split second out of pure instinct before remembering there was no threat here. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, no, it’s fine. You didn’t.” Javier nuzzled himself further into the crook of Horacio’s neck and tightened the grip at his waist. “Bad dream, that’s all.”

There was an unmistakable scoff as Horacio brought the glass of water to his lips and took a large gulp. “Must be one of those nights.”

“You alright?”

Horacio clenched his jaw, conflicted between giving an easy answer and the truth. But this was far from the first time either of them had been plagued with nightmares. And there was no point pretending or trying to hide it from the other at this stage, even if they were thousands of miles from the source of the dreams. “I was back in hospital again. And when I woke up, they told me you were – that you’d…”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here.” Javier kissed reassurances into any exposed patches of skin he could reach. “And we’re both fine.” Except they weren’t. Not really. Not yet. But they were alive. A fact they kept having to tell themselves when the flashbacks inevitably hit.

“I know, it’s just – even the thought of…”

Javier gently hushed Horacio, sparing him from spelling it out loud. “I dreamt about that night too. We listened to Messina’s orders and didn’t go after you.” He let out a small huff of a laugh, but it was bitter and laced with disgust. “Like sitting fucking ducks.”

Now it was Horacio’s turn to soothe Javier, the rising tension in his muscles palpable. It was no wonder he often suffered from headaches and a stiff jaw. Although, Horacio hadn’t noticed the tell-tale signs of him rubbing his temples for relief in weeks, which must have been something of a record.

Horacio turned so that his week-old stubble – which bordered on a beard by this point – scraped along Javier’s cheek. “If I’m not allowed what-ifs, neither are you.”

Goosebumps spread like wildfire across Javier’s body as he reaped the benefits of Horacio being too incapacitated to shave much lately. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

His moustache skimmed over Horacio’s face, coarse bristles chasing smoothness wherever it could be found. Anything to feel and hear the other’s reaction. To make it tangible and indisputable that they were both here, and this was real. To satisfy the irrational fear in their minds that they would wake to the alternative at any moment.

Horacio shuddered at the combination of Javier’s facial hair and the weight of his naked form pushing him against the kitchen unit. It hadn’t taken much for the atmosphere to shift into something else entirely, but it was hardly surprising in the circumstances. “What do you need?”

“I need you.”

“How do you need me?”

“I need—need to—” Javier stuttered, trying and failing to get a grip of himself.

“Tell me what you need, Javier. And you can have it.”

“Fuck,” was all Javier could manage for a second, the effects of Horacio’s offer shooting straight to his groin. “You sure? Right here and now?” He needed to check; to be sure there was no misunderstanding created by his own desires.  

“Yes. I’m sure.”

“Shit, Horacio.”

“Say it first, though.”

“I need to fuck you.” His throat was hoarse, but his speech never faltered. He was determined not to leave an ounce of doubt in Horacio’s mind. Not just for selfish reasons, but because he wanted to please him. To give him what he needed in return.

“That’s it, knew you could do it.” It was like music to Horacio’s ears. Because this was never about humiliation, it was about wanting Javier to use his words. To let Horacio hear exactly what Javier wanted so he could give it to him. “Take what you need. I’m right here.”

Javier froze, panting hard into the nape of Horacio’s neck as he wrapped his head around what was about to happen. “I’ll be right back.”

Half-convinced he was still asleep and dreaming, he dashed to the bathroom to retrieve the toiletries bag that he’d swiped from Carlos Holguín. Naturally, he’d kept a healthy supply of lube on hand since Horacio returned from Madrid. And there was no way they were doing this without it.

It almost pained him to rid Horacio of the clothes he looked so good in, but the sight he was left with more than made up for it. They were both still visibly battered and bruised, but like that night in Tolú, they weren’t about to let the small inconvenience of injuries get in the way.

Javier began gradually with slicked fingers, opening Horacio up with one hand whilst the other reached in front of him, stroking his cock at a matching pace. “This okay?”

Horacio hummed his approval as he steadied himself against the kitchen unit. “Yes. Keep going.”

Javier obeyed, curling his fingers at an angle that made Horacio groan and push backwards, eager for more. Anything to close what little gap was left between them, as even that was too much. He did it again and again until Javier’s hardened cock pressed against his ass, where he held still for a long moment. As though seeking permission, a final reassurance.

Horacio nudged encouragingly against Javier, their breath shallow and hearts pounding in their ears. “Do it.” A whispered command but not lacking in authority.

Javier didn’t need telling twice and eased himself inside Horacio, slow but steady with each rock of his hips. He grunted as he reached the hilt, catching his balance with one hand on the edge of the sink. His fingers entwined like a vine around Horacio’s whilst the other hand grasped him at the waist, moulding their bodies together as they moved as one.

The unrushed pace allowed Javier to take in every minute reaction from Horacio. To take in the way the strong beat of his pulse at Javier’s fingertips alleviated any lingering memories of nightmares and what-ifs. The way he shivered and clenched tighter when Javier bucked just that little bit deeper or harder. The way he couldn’t stop the low moans escaping despite how much he tried to stifle them with a bite of his lip. The way that the last jagged shards of his resolve were shattering bit by bit right in front of Javier’s eyes.

And Javier couldn’t help but think of the realisation he had come to earlier that evening. About Horacio’s jealousy long before they were together. He didn’t move for several agonising seconds, wondering if maybe he had more power over Horacio than he thought.

Each pulsation, teasing pause, and torturous back-and-forth motion sent sparks of pleasure spiralling in all directions. Overloading every synapse and wiping all thought from Horacio’s mind. All he knew was Javier. Grounded by his touch, the heat of his ragged breath and scratch of his moustache, the familiar scent of faded aftershave and cigarettes mixed with alcohol and remnants of the fresh night air. He was being devoured, swallowed, consumed.

The darkness from outside contrasted against the light within and cast a translucent reflection in the window above them. The window framed a view of rolling fields and farmland during the day, like a landscape painting hung on the wall. Standing in this picturesque setting, amongst pots and pans with no threat of bullets and bombs, was oddly domestic. It was a tantalising glimpse of what their lives could be like sooner rather than later. A preview of their future. So close, yet so far. Both within their grasp and out of reach.

“Look at me,” Javier rasped as he opened his eyes.

“What?”

“Through the glass. I want to see you.” His words were clear and concise this time. Such was his need to witness how beautifully Horacio wore his arousal. To take in each jolt of ecstasy etched into his face and echoed through the wrecked sounds he made. To know that every single sense was engulfed and overwhelmed, and it was entirely Javier’s own doing as Horacio surrendered to him completely.

Horacio raised his head, indirectly meeting Javier’s gaze and shocking himself at how willingly he took instruction. It went against his natural instincts and was the ultimate role reversal, but he couldn't resist. A revelation that once would have raised his defences, but now, he leaned into it and let go. Because he could never deny Javier what he wanted, especially not when he was voicing it like this, just as Horacio had encouraged him to.

Javier’s thrusts stuttered, and his rhythm was thrown off as he watched them join together, facial muscles taut with pleasure and skin dewy with sweat. It triggered a growl to rumble from deep in his chest, and he pulled Horacio back against him, teeth roughly clashing with supple flesh as he hung on by a thread.

Horacio could only gasp and clamp his fingers around Javier’s on the counter that held them upright. A few more vigorous thrusts and it was over, no hand stimulation required as he let out a strained, quivering breath and spilt across his stomach. The final culmination of his undoing.

Each spasm and aftershock prised the last fragments of control from his body that he had clutched on to for years, if not decades. Shackles that were both self-imposed and forced upon him through circumstance were finally unlocked, if not yet removed. He lay bare, raw and open, trusting Javier to moor him, to keep him safe, to guide him home. To always find his way back to him even when the odds were against them.

It didn’t take long for Javier to follow suit, his grip on Horacio tightening before he tugged him against his chest and snapped his hips forward. A rush of heat filled Horacio whilst Javier jerked and shook against him, his teeth gnashing and nostrils flaring.

Every twitch or subtle movement reverberated through him, amplifying the intensity of his release and the visceral need to be as close to Horacio as possible. Anything less than this wasn’t enough, not after recent events. And yet, it was likely going to have to be enough again soon, at least temporarily.

But he couldn’t think about that in the present. Not when they remained connected whilst they recovered. Catching their breath and soothing one another with tender touches and kisses, the bad dreams a faded memory, for now at least.

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They soon moved back to bed once they had cleaned themselves up. Although sleeping positions were still dictated by their injuries, they sat up against the headboard for the time being, legs and feet tangled beneath the covers.

“Bet my ribs will feel that in the morning.” Javier took a drag from his cigarette before offering it to Horacio. Smoking had become less of a necessity since they had left Colombia; however, this was a post-coital ritual they had no intention of breaking.

“That’s what you get for being so impatient.”

“Hey, you were the one parading around the kitchen looking like…that. It was distracting.”

“Now you know what I’ve had to deal with these past few years.”

Memories sprung to Horacio’s mind of the painfully tight jeans Javier waltzed straight into his office wearing. The ones that left little to the imagination, least of all the fact that he sometimes wasn’t wearing any underwear beneath them. It was a miracle Horacio got any work done at all. And then there were the shirts that he seldom bothered to button more than halfway up. A style choice Horacio was pleased Javier had reverted to here when his Pops wasn’t about.

“I’ve never worn your clothes, to be fair.”

“You can if you want. What’s mine is yours.” As the words fell from Horacio’s lips and his smirk waned, he played with the crucifix that had become a second skin around Javier’s neck.

“When we were on our way to 9th Street, I hated myself for not giving it back to you before you left.” Javier didn’t know why he was telling Horacio this and was aware of how fucking stupid it sounded. As if it would have made any difference to anything, anyway.

“I seem to remember I said you should keep it until this is all over.”

Javier caught the implication hidden beneath the surface and let it linger whilst he drew on his cigarette. “You think they’ll want me back?”

“I’m not sure that’s the right question you should be asking yourself.”

“How d’you mean?”

“I think you already know the answer.”

“Horacio, what are you talking about?”

“If they were gonna fire you, they’d have done it by now.” Horacio plucked the cigarette from Javier’s fingers, deliberately taking his time with it before he spoke again. “So, I think you want me to tell you whether you should go back or not. But you know I can’t do that, Javier.”

“What? I never even asked – what makes you so sure I won’t lose my badge?” Javier stumbled over his words, unsure which point to address first.

“Because different rules always apply to gringos, and you know it. There’d be no reason to delay firing you if they wanted to.”

A small flare of protest bubbled in Javier’s chest for a moment, one that he would have given more credence to in the past, but he had to admit Horacio was right. The DEA being so cloak-and-dagger about their intentions made Javier more nervous than if he’d already been given his marching orders. 

Now he’d gotten the easier question out of the way, he confronted the elephant in the room. “I know you don’t want me to go back. But it’s—”

“It’s not that simple, I know.” They shot each other a resigned half-smile. Because of course, they both knew. But Javier had never stopped Horacio – even when he wanted to. “Whatever you decide, I’ll understand. But, if you do go back, promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Be careful. Not just of Escobar. The weaker he gets, the more likely his enemies will crawl out of the woodwork. And they’ll be prepared to do just about anything to dance on his grave.”

Javier had no business promising that any more than Horacio did to ask it of him in the first place. But he nodded anyway and leaned in to press their lips together. Deep charged kisses that distracted and comforted until exhaustion and dawn caught up with them.

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Usually, Javier would have crept out of bed and across the courtyard before the sun came up. But as he stirred awake to a room bathed in warm light, it was clear he had overslept. Shit.

He shoved on yesterday’s crumpled clothes – including a certain plaid shirt – without a second glance, leaving Horacio half-asleep and grumbling at the sudden disturbance.

There were no signs of life outside other than the faint braying of cattle and horses, which made Javier hopeful his father was already doing the breakfast rounds. But to be on the safe side, he pressed down on the farmhouse door handle with extra care.

He was almost home and dry, just a few more steps from the kitchen to his bedroom. However, as he made to close the door, he was stopped in his tracks.

“Morning.”

“Oh, er, morning, Pops. I – I thought you were down at the stables.” Javier had never felt more like a kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar, the poker face required for his job nowhere to be found.

“Just heading there now.” Chucho poured freshly brewed coffee from a pot into a flask and eyed Javier curiously as he screwed the lid shut. “Unless you’ve finally decided to make yourself useful?”

“What?” Javier's brain was far too occupied with pre-empting the next lie he was inevitably going to have to tell. But the light, airy tone of Chucho’s voice made his throat constrict.

“You being up and out the house by this time. I thought you’d beaten me to it.”

“Oh. I – well – I just needed some fresh air.” As excuses went, it was a weak one, especially when it was his dad he was trying to convince. Javier may have been able to bullshit and charm his way around a lot of people, but never the man who had seen and heard it all before.

“I see. Good job you didn’t venture further than the guesthouse looking like that, Mijo.” Chucho gestured towards Javier with the hand he held his flask in.

Javier was well and truly lost now, and it wasn’t until he followed Chucho’s sightline that it clicked. His eyes scanned downwards to find his jeans were inside out. And his shirt was lopsided from missing a couple of buttons in his rush to get dressed. Shit.

It was only then that the mention of the guesthouse registered as well, as though he was processing everything on a time delay. Shit, shit, shit.

Whilst Javier tried to fool himself that this was all circumstantial evidence that didn’t prove anything, Chucho picked up his Stetson from the coat hook by the front door. “There’s plenty of coffee left if either of you wants some.”

And with that, he tipped the edge of his hat in farewell, leaving Javier speechless and in dire need of something a hell of a lot stronger than coffee.

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It had taken everything in Horacio to keep a straight face when Javier filled him in. Not because he didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation, but because it was easier to see the funny side now that he’d met and spent time with Chucho.

The last few weeks weren’t the actions of a man about to turf his son out on the doorstep, no matter what he discovered about him. And even if Javier didn’t want to admit it, Horacio could only imagine what it must have looked like when they arrived here. He would have been surprised if Chucho hadn’t had his suspicions. Yet he had taken them in, few questions asked.

He watched Javier stress-smoke his way through the pack of cigarettes they had opened earlier, brooding as though his life depended on it. Some habits were trickier to break than others, apparently. 

Without a word, Horacio linked their hands and stroked his thumb in pacifying circles, for once, quietly confident that it was going to be okay.

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It was the weekend before Christmas, and Steve and Connie were soon due to fly to Miami to be reunited with Olivia and enjoy the holidays with their own families. Chucho had insisted on cooking a festive meal before they left, partly in their honour and partly to celebrate the start of Las Posadas.

Javier found himself with his hands buried deep in a bowl of tamale dough whilst his dad made last-minute seasoning adjustments to the brisket filling.

It had been years since the two of them had done this together. Javier could never forget his Mamá's voice in his head, shooing his Pops out of the kitchen because he didn't know her system as well as she did. After she passed, they tried their best to replicate it, with varying degrees of success.

It was no coincidence that this was the first time they had been alone since their awkward exchange in the very kitchen they now stood in. Javier had done his utmost to avoid this scenario, but Chucho had conveniently delegated various duties to the others. Javier had to laugh at the lack of subtlety and deluded himself into thinking that if he focused on the task at hand, he could avoid having to talk about anything else.

Javier raised an eyebrow and gave the soggy creation in his hands a sceptical once over. “I think I’ve added too much broth.”

“Try more cornflour. Should do the trick.”

Javier reached for the bag of flour across the work surface, sprinkling a generous coating over the dough before working it in with his fingers. It didn’t take long for it to firm up. “Fuckin’ A.”

He could sense the judgemental look thrown his way for that one. It was funny how even at his age, accidentally swearing in front of your elders still brought the same sense of guilt it had done when he was a teenager.

“Good job Tía Inés isn’t around. She’d have sent you straight to Father Emilio to confess your sins.”

Javier snorted and tilted his head in agreement. “I’d be there all day.” He intended it in jest, but his smile quickly fell as the weight of his own words crashed down on him.

“Wouldn’t we all?” Chucho let the question hang in the air as he reached for a spoon to divide the filling into portions. “You’re not the only one to make mistakes and have regrets, Mijo. It’s what you learn from them that counts.”

“You don’t think I should go back, do you?”

Chucho focused intently on his bowl, reluctant to proceed down such a well-trodden, circular path. “Trying to fix something designed to stay broken isn’t the penance you think it is. More likely you’ll end up broken as well.”

“Think it’s a bit late for that.”

“You’re both still alive, aren’t you? You’ve been through a lot, I know. And there will always be scars, but nothing is ever too late.”

Both. Javier’s first instinct was to feign ignorance as usual, but he respected his Pops too much for that. He’d been caught red-handed again, except the evidence was far more damning this time. Excuses that might have washed in his youth certainly wouldn’t wash now. So, he didn’t fight it.

“You make it sound so simple.”

“Sometimes things are as simple or complicated as we make them.”

“You really think it’s that easy? We just walk away and live happily ever after?”

“Before I married your Mamá, I was happy just being a farmhand here. I earned enough to get by, but it wasn’t enough for us to plan a proper future together. Abuelita Imelda and Abuelito Mauricio didn’t approve. They thought I was throwing their legacy away. After everything they strived for by moving across the border, they wanted something to show for it. They wanted me to provide for Mariana. To make her happy and make, well, you proud – not that you were around back then.”

“I am proud, Pops.”

“I know. But it’s because I took their advice. Worked my way up. Learned how to manage this place when your Abuelito was too frail. Because they were right. Your mother deserved the world, and I knew I had to give it to her, one way or another. A simple choice, no question. But not necessarily an easy one.”

“Yeah, well, I think there’s an obvious difference between our situations, don’t you?” Javier hoped to fucking God Chucho got what he meant because he really didn’t want to have to spell it out.

“I know, Mijo. I know.” Chucho broke off from his work and looked across at his son who was still unwilling to meet his eye. But that never deterred him. “And I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like for you.”

Javier kept his gaze down, fearing he wouldn’t be able to control the lump forming in the back of his throat if he looked up. “How long have you known?” It was a question he had wondered about for years, yet to finally voice it felt like the words belonged to someone else.

“Long enough to see it wasn’t just a phase. And it’s part of who you are. And it doesn’t change the fact I love you and want you to be happy again. That’s all your mother and I ever wanted.”

Javier’s hands froze over the dough, his lips pursed with the force and determination of a dam holding back a flood. Although his view of the work surface was blurring rapidly regardless of how hard he blinked.

“I meant what I said. You’ll always have a home here, Javi. You and Horacio. You don’t have to hide for my benefit.”

Javier was still rooted to the spot, but sporadic shaky breaths came in waves, and he desperately tried to suppress them with a clench of his jaw.

It wasn’t a complete shock to witness the defences he’d meticulously forged over the years give way at last. There had been plenty of warning signs, after all. Hairline cracks that had developed into critical weak spots over time, despite his instinct to paper over them and act like they didn’t exist.

He was pulled from his daze by the warmth of a wet dishcloth swiping over his doughy fingers. It was administered with the same care he remembered receiving at the age of five whilst chasing after a runaway calf and skinning his hands and knees. He had been inconsolable until his mother cleaned him up, distracting him with lullabies her own Mamá had sung to her.

“Come here, Mijo. It’s alright.”

And Javier went, moving into his father’s arms, feeling childlike yet world-weary at the same time. But the longer he allowed himself to be held and the more the tears fell into Chucho’s shoulder, the easier it was for Javier to breathe.

He was so often caught between two worlds in his life, whether it was who he chose to share a bed with, his dual heritage, or the precarious tightrope he walked in his job. He’d never fitted neatly into any boxes and didn’t want to most of the time, but he couldn’t deny it left him unsure where he belonged. If anywhere. For once, though, those feelings were abated.

Chucho gently pulled away, his soft smile focused somewhere behind Javier’s head. “Ah good, another pair of hands! How are you at making tamales?”

Horacio stood in the doorway, almost certain of what he had walked in on, half-wishing he hadn’t intruded and half-relieved by Chucho’s easy demeanour towards him. He had an overwhelming urge to throw his arms around Javier and never let him go, but that would have to wait until later.

For now, Horacio settled for catching Javier's eye to ask a wordless question, which was answered with a firm nod. Now that his fears were allayed, he crossed over the threshold into the kitchen. A simple action on the surface, but one that signified so much more. "A bit rusty, but my sister and I used to make them using our Abuela’s recipe.”

Chucho turned back to Javier, a hand still resting on his shoulder. “Definitely a keeper, Mijo,” he said with a conspiratorial wink and squeeze of Javier’s arm.

------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day passed swiftly in a flurry of food preparations. Javier and Horacio were trusted with finishing off the tamales, whilst Steve and Connie were given a shopping list of fresh groceries and desserts to pick up. Meanwhile, Chucho attended to the array of barbecued meats he seemed to think he was cooking for an entire army.

Soon darkness fell over the ranch, except for the garden, which was saturated in a candescent glow from a crackling fire pit. Wooden seating surrounded it with cushions and blankets borrowed from the guesthouses to keep the winter chill at bay now the sun had gone down.

An old portable radio had been dug out and was lowly playing in the background whilst the dogs sniffed the air, hoping some leftovers would come their way. Although, the tamales were a triumph – which only endeared Horacio to Chucho even more – and were snapped up in record time.

It was the perfect setting to tuck into their loaded plates of food, as Chucho played host and did his best to embarrass Javier with as many childhood anecdotes as he could remember. A particular highlight being Javier’s brief stint at line dancing when he was too young to protest. Or so he claimed now, anyway.

In a quiet lull in conversation whilst they ate, lyrics from a country ballad playing on the radio drifted through the garden.

Look at us, after all these years together

Look at us, after all that we’ve been through

Still leaning on each other

If you wanna see how true love should be

Then just look at us

Instinctively, Javier looked over at Horacio in the chair opposite his own to find Horacio staring right back at him. There was a subtle exchange of arched brows and coy smirks that were in danger of breaking into laughter if they weren’t careful, and then they’d be forced to share their private joke. So, instead, they concentrated aggressively on their food.

Once their plates were cleared and Steve and Connie were helping Chucho in the kitchen, Javier all but dragged Horacio away.

Horacio thought they would be heading for the guesthouse, but Javier had other ideas. He took Horacio's hand and steered him in the opposite direction towards one of the hay barns.

They were far too full of food for anything energetic, but it would have been a wasted opportunity in Javier’s eyes.

They lay with their heads resting on a bale of hay in the aftermath, spent and out of breath. And cold, but they weren’t ready to move yet.

“I’ve always wanted to do that.”

“You’re telling me you grew up on a ranch, and you never brought anyone in here before?”

“Nope. You’re the first.”

“Lucky me.”

Both truer sentiments than either man were letting on, and they seemed to realise it as the easy banter from seconds ago was no more.

Javier captured Horacio’s gaze with such intensity that he was sure Horacio could read his thoughts. Or rather, he wished he would. It’d make things a hell of a lot easier if he could. A familiar enduring heat swelled in his chest, one that in the past he’d wanted to squash down and bury because he wasn’t sure he trusted it or himself. But now, he was content to sit with it, to allow it to simmer under the surface.

He pressed his lips to Horacio’s, pouring everything that was running through his mind into each kiss and hoping it wasn’t lost in translation.

Horacio got the message loud and clear, his mouth eager to convey how much he understood. That actions spoke louder than words. That he would still be here when he was ready.

“We better be getting back,” Javier whispered when they pulled apart. “Don’t wanna be giving Pops any more new material.”

They hadn’t spoken much about Chucho with everything else going on. Javier had been quiet afterwards and Horacio hadn’t wanted to press too much. When the tamales were busy steaming, he had encouraged Javier back to the guesthouse for a while, where Horacio silently held and soothed him.

But now they were here, he felt the need to check in again. “No regrets?”

Javier pulled him in by the collar of his shirt for one last searing kiss against the barn door on their way out. “Never.” Never about him. Never about them.

------------------------------------------------------

Back at the farmhouse, Javier joined his Pops and Steve in the kitchen, where they were sampling a selection of whiskeys courtesy of Chucho.

Meanwhile, Connie was in the garden, skewering a plate of marshmallows ready to be roasted on the fire pit. And trying to keep Luna, Sol and Leo at bay.

“Oh hey, there you are. Good timing as I’m being attacked from all angles.” She lifted the plate higher and stored it on a table out of reach as Leo’s nose came dangerously close to nudging one of the marshmallows to the floor.

As soon as Horacio sat down, Luna abandoned her quest for sugary treats in favour of lying at his feet.

He wasn’t naturally a dog person. Or a pet person at all, as his family never kept any when he was growing up. Although he and his sister did unofficially adopt a stray cat who came and went as she pleased. But Luna had taken a shine to the ranch’s current guests. And if Horacio was honest, the feeling was mutual.

He reached down to stroke his fingers through her thick coat and rubbed his thumb along her ears as she grumbled in contentment. “That’s one down, at least.”

“She’s smitten with you.”

“You think?”

“Hmm well, Chucho said she’s usually very independent and prefers to be by herself in the fields. But she’s fiercely protective of those she trusts, and she hasn’t left your side since you got here. So, I’d say you must be doing something right.”

Horacio caught the mischief in Connie’s eye as his lips twitched into a knowing smile. “Point taken.”

Connie couldn’t help but snigger as Leo and Sol settled beneath her chair, having given up on their scavenging for the time being. “How’s the shoulder been today?”

“Good, thanks.” He decided not to mention the slight twinge that had come on since the hay barn. “Better since I started the exercises.”

“That’s good. Just make sure you continue with them after I’m gone. You need to keep moving as much as possible.”

“Of course. I will, thanks. And thank you for everything, by the way. And I don’t just mean whilst we’ve been here.” Horacio looked back at the farmhouse to ensure no one was in earshot. “He acts like he doesn’t need friends, but I’m glad he has you and Steve.”

“That’s the trouble with you independent types. Isn’t that right, Luna?” She ducked down in her chair to attract Luna’s attention. Luna lifted her head and wagged her tail in reply. “He was great with Steve, though. When you were in Madrid and I was in Miami. It’s so hard being that far away and feeling so helpless.”

For some reason, Horacio had never thought of the parallels between their circumstances. A fact that now made him ashamed given how much Connie had done for him when they didn’t know each other all that well. “How did you deal with it?”

“Some days and nights, I didn’t, to be honest. Although, having Olivia helped me stay busy and distracted. And I guess…just trusting that they’ll get through it, one way or another and come out the other side. Because they have to, right?”

Technically, it was a rhetorical question. But Horacio felt obliged for both of their sake not to leave it ominously hanging between them, and he did something he wasn’t expecting.

He leaned across and lightly squeezed Connie’s shoulder. “Of course. And they will.” An assertion he needed to hear as much as Connie did.

------------------------------------------------------

It was past midnight by the time their celebrations began to wind down. Javier had insisted his dad put his feet up and assured him they would handle tidying up. He and Connie washed the last few dishes whilst Horacio and Steve put the garden back in order.

Once his chores were done, Horacio made the most of the last few dying embers from the fire pit whilst waiting for Javier. He reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes and placed one between his lips. Although he didn’t crave them as much these days, he needed to take the edge off tonight. He searched for his lighter in the opposite pocket but found it empty. Typical.

“Great minds think alike.”

Horacio nearly jumped out of his skin. “Jesus, Murphy.”

“I think the words you’re lookin’ for are thank and you.” After sparking up his own cigarette, he held out his lighter and dropped into the chair next to Horacio.

Horacio fought back an eye roll as he accepted and lit up, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, no matter how big that mouth was at times. “Thanks.”

“Quitting’s going well, then.”

Horacio’s head darted round in confusion. “What?”

“These.” Steve shook his pack of cigarettes before depositing it back in his pocket. “Thought you were cutting back.”

“Oh. Yeah. I guess I’m still working on it.”

“Tell me about it. Connie’s been trying to get me to quit for years. But,” he broke off for another hit and blew a long trail of vapour into the air, “it ain’t that easy.”

Horacio tapped the ashes from his cigarette into the recesses of the fire pit, his vision fixed trance-like on the smouldering remains as they hissed and fizzed at the intrusion. “No. It’s not.”

“Just so y’know, I’d never ask him to come back with me.”

Now that all pretences were dropped, Horacio’s attention was pulled away from the fire. He considered Murphy with a hint of a wry smile, a smile shared with Steve rather than aimed at him, though. “But we both know he will.”

Steve snorted. “Yup.” He made a popping sound with his lips as he spoke, highlighting the depths of his understanding of just how much of a stubborn fucker his partner could be. “Trujillo owes me a box of cigars.”

Horacio couldn’t help but let out a full-blown laugh. “Make sure you hold him to it.”

“Oh, don’t you worry, I will. A bet’s a bet, and he knows it.”

An affectionate warmth spread through Horacio’s chest as he thought of his old unit, Trujillo in particular. It had been a matter of weeks since they were his men, but a lot could happen in that timeframe when a country was at war.

He drew deeply on his cigarette, the force of his exhale carrying the smoke away like dandelion seeds at the mercy of the wind. Blown off course multiple times, but their resilience and perseverance never wavering. “And don’t let your partner shut you out.”

The sudden tonal shift caught Steve off guard as he swivelled abruptly to meet Horacio’s eye.

“Because he’ll do it to protect you,” Horacio continued. “Even if it hurts him.”

On the surface, Horacio’s words held a severe air of foreboding. However, he not only knew Javier better than anyone, but he also lived with too many memories of how it could go awry with a partner. And he was aware Steve had his own tale to tell on that front as well.

The meaning wasn’t lost on Steve, though, as he dipped his head in a wordless acceptance of an agreement that was much greater than an endeavour but not quite a guarantee. 

Because there were no guarantees in their line of work, especially when it came to dealing with Javier Peña of all people.

------------------------------------------------------

The week disappeared in a hazy blur once Steve and Connie returned to Miami, and before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve. Whilst they had enjoyed most of their festive celebrations prematurely this year, Chucho attended Midnight Mass at the same church the Peñas always had done. He was not a man to break traditions easily, and it was a family ritual that went back a lot further than Javier. One Chucho had stuck to regardless of Javier’s more recent avoidant tendencies.

For obvious reasons, Javier and Horacio had opted to stay behind. Not wishing to invite prying eyes and probing questions from a close-knit community who made it their business to know everyone else’s business.

Whilst most appeared pleasant on the surface, he’d attended enough judgemental sermons as a child and overheard his fair share of gossip as an adult to know they stuck rigidly to the idea of ‘traditional family values.’ It was bad enough when he had parted ways with Lorraine, which in their eyes was tantamount to marrying her one week and divorcing her the next. So, he dreaded to think what they would have to say about him and Horacio.

Instead, at Horacio’s request, they had gathered together every candle from every drawer or cupboard they could locate across the ranch and decorated the guesthouse with them. Some were planted in old jam jars, whilst others were nestled in glassware from the kitchen. It wasn’t exactly a light show to rival those Horacio had grown up entranced by along the streets of Medellín each Día de las Velitas. But it fitted perfectly with the rustic décor of the ranch.

Horacio lay on the sofa with Javier slotted between his legs and reclining against his chest. Both were careful not to squash their injuries, that although were healing nicely now, still needed to be treated with care.

The fire at their feet illuminated the room in a flickering halo. It transformed from dark burnt orange to a warm white glow and back again as the flames danced over a bed of charred mesquite wood. The smoke dispersed a sweet aroma that took Javier back to his Pop’s summer barbecues which he hosted for all of the farms in the local area.

Luna, Sol and Leo had been making themselves at home in their guesthouse a lot more since Steve’s and Connie’s departure. And since they were out in the open with Chucho. Javier no longer needed to give the illusion that he was sleeping in his old bedroom, so he had moved in properly with Horacio.

Sol and Leo were curled up asleep on the two rocking chairs opposite the sofa, whilst Luna lay on the rug by Javier and Horacio. She, too, dozed, enjoying the heat of the fire and occasionally raising her head; for attention or to check on them, they were never quite sure.

“The candles were a good shout, by the way,” Javier said as he lit up a cigarette, his admittedly feeble efforts to quit all but abandoned.

Horacio smiled against the muscle of Javier’s broad shoulder. His chin had made a home there for the last few minutes, but he sat up to take a drag. “Thanks. I know it’s a couple of weeks late for Día de las Velitas, but it’s just a little reminder of back home. My sister and I used to make our own lanterns. We’d spend hours on them with other kids from our neighbourhood. Everyone always came out for it, even my father. Christmas was one of the few times he was happy to leave his work at work.”

Javier had seen such displays in the years he’d lived in Colombia. He’d always admired the locals’ dedication, even throughout the disorder on their doorsteps. “We used to do similar for Las Posadas. One year I had to be Joseph, and I hated every second of it. Well, until we got to the piñatas, obviously. Then I stopped complaining.”

“Did they fill yours with cigarettes and whiskey or something?”

Javier’s shoulders shook despite himself. “Fuck you.” He punctuated his retort by deliberately exhaling a plume of smoke in Horacio’s direction. “You’re just as bad as me.”

“I blame you for the whiskey.”

“You should be thanking me for steering you away from aguardiente.”

Horacio rolled his eyes. “Gringos to the rescue, as usual.”

“I’m part-Mexican, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“Guess I must be in love with the Mexican part of you, then.” The words tumbled from Horacio’s mouth before he could stop himself, and they hung awkwardly in the smoke-filled space between them. He hadn’t repeated the sentiment since he’d returned from Madrid, not wanting to make Javier feel obliged to echo it back.

Javier still had his back to Horacio and stayed quiet for a moment, only the rhythmic snoring of the dogs and gentle crackles from the fire filling the silence. “Can you believe it’s three years since Tolú?”

Horacio had no idea what he was expecting to hear, but for some reason, it wasn’t that. “You remembered.”

“No need to sound so surprised. I thought the candles were fitting for a double celebration.” He turned from the fireplace, their gaze meeting, and the flames and candlelight shimmering across their pupils like rosary beads made of glass. A stark contrast to the protective cover of darkness they had hidden under in Tolú three years ago. “Happy Anniversary.”

Horacio couldn’t control the smile he pressed into Javier’s lips as he bridged the gap between them. He cupped Javier’s face with both hands before stroking a thumb down his jaw, tracing it over his moustache and across the subtle pout of his bottom lip. “Happy Anniversary.”

Fervent kisses soon became exploring caresses, hands and mouths indulging in pleasure, reverence and worship. An acknowledgement of all that they had withstood together, and a celebration of how far they had come. A commitment to the future, no matter how uncertain it was in the short term, trusting that they would always be each other’s home regardless of where they ended up.

They were silent promises and unspoken vows, pledged to each other again and again. Over and over in countless ways, day in, day out. Undertakings they would need to cherish and cling to in the face of adversity.

Light at the end of the tunnel that they had to hold on to when Javier received the call they were expecting in the New Year. When for once, he wasn’t following Horacio, and Horacio couldn’t follow him.

[zeppelin-and-unicorns]

Fanfic recommendations part six: 100% Alternate Universe stories.

Hey! It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry, got too caught up with, well, you know, life (ew). But I’m back!

All the stories listed in this are stories are 100% AU (yes, I’m including the Soulmate AU’s in this category). I’ve read and enjoyed them all.

Accidentally In Love by the bohemian flow.

Rachel Hyde was a witness to a strange romance that blossomed between her twin brother, Steven, and Jackie Burkhart, of all people. Her and Steven weren't the biggest fans of Jackie, but now, he loves her. How could Rachel possibly put up with her brother's girlfriend?

AU where Hyde has a sister. Not 100% focused on J/H, since it’s from Hyde’s sister POV, but it’s still pretty good.

This story is a WIP and it’s being updated constantly.

109k words, 28 chapters so far.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, OC/Kelso, OC/Eric, Eric/Donna.

A Different Start Could Lead to a Better End by SoftBubbles

Instead of Hyde meeting her as Kelso's annoying girlfriend, what if he met her as his annoying English partner, whom he quickly learns is more than she seems.

This story is not complete, it was last updated on July of 2020, and I pray for the author to come back to it one day, it’s a really good story.

Trigger warning for child abuse.

13k words, 14 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Bad Moon on the Rise by Badfanfic

Set around season 2. Jackie starts to develop feelings for Hyde, even though its the last thing she wants. Hyde is just trying to survive but is having difficulty controlling himself, especially around a certain cheerleader.

Hyde is a werewolf in this story. And THIS IS GOOD Y’ALL, I’ve read this like 10 times already.

Unfortunally, I think this story is abandoned, the last time the author updated was in June of 2020, but I still have hope, it’s really good and I’m DYING to read more. I absolutely adore stories with supernatural elements, and it’s so hard to find good ones in this fandom. Please read this.

13k words, 9 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Focus by Jenny7

After a metaphysical awakening, Hyde develops the ability to telepathically connect with a single stranger. What he doesn't expect is that the girl that he shares the connection with, a rich cheerleader with a complicated past, will forever alter his views on life and love.

SO GOOD. It’s complete and it has a sequel (that’s not complete but still worth the read), called Darlin, Walk Awhile With Me.

2k words, 19 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde.

History Rewritten by kezztip

What if Hyde got his Season 1 wish and stole Donna away from Eric? And then what if Eric had turned to a certain tiny cheerleader instead?

This story is complete, and if you have a soft spot for Eric/Jackie, than you might like this a lot.

81k words, 25 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Jackie/Eric, Hyde/Donna, Eric/Donna.

(I absolutely hate the Hyde and Donna pairing but it’s temporary so it’s okay).

Playing Pretend by isnotme

Caught up in her teenager concerns – and some wounds to heal, Jackie didn’t realize that her parents' marriage was crashing down for real, causing a major turnaround in her world.

.

In the edge of seventeen, Hyde had too much on his mind. With graduation coming so soon, he knew too well he was about to be kicked out of the Forman's home. But when Bud’s illegal activities came to knock on his door, Hyde saw his plans falling apart once again.

Or

An AU where Jackie and Hyde get themselves in one of those fake relationship situation and somewhere along the way, they find somethings in commun. Highly inspired in every cliché Rom Com ever made, including Netflix's most recents TATBILB and Isi and Ossi.

This story is a WIP and it’s being updated often.

33k words, 13 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna

Pretty in Wisconsin by BelleBae

Jackie Burkhart has a lot to deal with. Her dad is in prison, her mum can't get it together and one of her best friends is in love with her. Will she be able to sort everything out by Prom? Inspired by Pretty In Pink.

Cute and complete.

20k words, 23 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Rock You Like a Hurricane by zeppelinandunicorns (yours truly)

Alternative universe where Donna met Jackie before meeting Eric and the rest of basement gang.

Jackie and Donna are 16 and 17 when they finally met the four basement misfits after a Fleetwood Mac concert.

This story is a WIP, and I do not plan on abandoning it, I love it too much to do that.

77k words, 15 chapters so far.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, background Red/Kitty and eventual Fez/Laurie and Kelso/Brooke.

Also Available on AO3

She Belongs to me series by QueenBookBuff

A universe where Kelso cared a lot more about Jackie and Hyde getting together and implications of a deeper background for both Jackie and Hyde and Kelso and Jackie.

This got me hooked, it’s really good, please read it.

It’s complete and there are sequels! They are called All Our Tomorrows

and The Scarlet and SJ Chronicles.

27k words, 7 works in total.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Summer Music Series by Wickedfetch

What if Hyde and Jackie didn't meet until 1985?

Complete.

7k words, 3 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

That 70s show by Zenmaster21

What if Jackie had dated Hyde from the beginning instead of Kelso? This is simply a re-write of the episodes had Jackie and Hyde always been together.

One of my favorites stories from the entire fandom.

Not complete, but please read it, it’s worth it.

Trigger warning for child abuse.

152k words, 37 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna

The Fifth Forman by BlueZeppelin

What if it wasn't just Eric and Laurie? What if they had another sibling? Like...Jackie? What would happen with Hyde? Would Eric be happy with his sister dating his best friend? Would Red like his daughter to be with one of the basement dumbasses?

This story is complete!!

52k words, 18 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

The One Where Jackie Moves In by Floweerchild96

Jackie has been living in New-York with her family but after her father goes to jail and her mother abandons her, she is forced to return to a town she thought she was done with for good. How will Jackie's reemergence in the basement effect the gangs lives?

A really good story, but unfortunally, it’s not complete. Still worth the read.

103k words, 20 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna.

Wall Around Your Heart by ourinvisibleink

Jackie Burkhart-Forman was adopted at almost ten years old by Red and Kitty, after her parents flee the country for drug trafficking crimes. Laurie grapples with addiction, Eric is messed up because of Red’s verbal abuse, Steven’s arrival is brought on by Jackie, Kelso is neglected, Fez is victim to racism, and Jackie befriends Jason, the new kid who happens to be gay.

This story is really good, but it deals with some serious stuff. I still love it.

Complete and it has a sequel called Plastar and Mortar.

52k words, 26 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, Fez/Laurie, Red/Kitty.

One-shots:

A Little Less 70s, A Little More Modern AU by fairytalesandfolklore

A modern AU where the characters from That 70’s Show grew up in the 90’s x early 2000’s instead.

Cute as hell!!! Worth the read!

1k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

found a wife and a home (and a family that matters) by blackorchids

Hyde’s been part of the Forman family for years before they make him move in.

I placed this in the AU category because apparently Jackie and Hyde always dated, it doesn’t specify much.

1k words.

Rated G.

Pairings: background Jackie/Hyde and background Red/Kitty. This is not focused on the couples, but on Hyde’s relationship with the Forman’s.

Lady and The Tramp by soobeans

'See, I, myself, don't like you. I find you abrasive. But if I didn't know you, and I'd never talked to you, I'd think you were totally hot.'

In Point Place, Wisconsin, there are only three distinct areas. The Western area consists of the burnouts, thugs, outcasts, hopeless dreamers, poor people, and overall, tramps. The Eastern area holds the classy, rich, and more fortunate ladies and gentlemen. In between is where the two are forced to intermingle, but of course, they found a few ways to separate themselves.

8k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, some minor background Eric/Donna moments.

That Disco Episode: Zenmasters Style by springsteenicious

What if Hyde had learned how to dance to impress Jackie instead of Donna? And what if Jackie hadn’t been dating Kelso?

That Disco Episode, rewritten for Jackie and Hyde.

2k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Bonus: Soulmate AU’S:

I am so in love with Soulmate AU’s that I’m currently writing one, I wanted to make a special post just for this category but it would be too small so I just included it in here. 

Finders Keepers by nannygirl

It's said that before you find your soulmate you will find one of their lost items first, so what happens when Hyde finds a gold bracelet in The Formans' backyard? Will it lead him to his soulmate, someone who he's sure probably doesn't even exist?

This story is not complete, but worth the read.

5k words, 2 chapters.

Rated K+.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, some background Red/Kitty

It Takes Time to Fall in Love by yabookreader96

Jackie can't wait to meet her soulmate, but a dire mistake on her part leads her to mistakenly identify him as Michael, while Hyde watches his soulmate clock hit zero and immediately knows that it's Jackie. Years pass, Jackie with Michael, Hyde saying nothing as he knowingly watches from the side. Will this dynamic be permanent or will destiny bring the true soulmates together?

This story is complete.

18k words, 12 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, temporary Jackie/Kelso.

Mistaken Messages by MistyMountainHop

Jackie longs for her soulmate to accept her, and Hyde hopes his will leave him alone because he's in love with someone else. A stack of mystical index cards lets them communicate with their as-yet unidentified soulmates. But the more their soulmates write, the less control Jackie and Hyde seem to have over their fate.

This story is complete.

23k words, 5 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna

Also Available on AO3

Until We Get There by poetdameron

Running away from their own wedding is the craziest thing Hyde and Jackie have ever done together. But the tug he feels at his heart when realizing she doesn't want to marry him? The worst.

This story is complete.

39k words, 8 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

Voodooized by mc_1

Eric’s been noticing something weird going on between Jackie and Hyde. At a party one night, all of Eric’s suspicions are confirmed when the two become love-marked- an event that occurs when soulmates are ready to be together, resulting in a mark on the skin that bonds them together for life. The unlikely couple puzzle over how they could possibly be paired together as they struggle to understand each other.

This story is a WIP.

14k words, 4 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde. Eric/Donna

Where It Wasn’t Supposed To Be by moved-ao3

Jackie thinks it's a blessing, Hyde a curse. Set in an alternate universe where characters receive a list with their soulmate's worst qualities, Jackie and Hyde struggle to navigate their feelings for each other when everything else seems pitted against them.

Not complete, and it makes me want to cry, but it’s really good.

15k words, 5 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

One-shots:

all i need by orphan_account

"When he is six years old, the words 'Pudding Pop' appear on his wrist in the curliest, loopiest handwriting he's ever seen. There's even a little heart dotting the 'i'."

1k words.

The author didn’t rate this one, I would rate it as T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Blush by springsteenicious

On a person's eighteenth birthday, they swap bodies with their soulmate. Hyde doesn't have high hopes for his soulmate, but when he wakes up in a very pink room with posters and painted nails, his life is changed for the better.

4k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

I believe this is all!

I’ll repeat this at the end of every single post (seriously, I literally copy and paste this every single time): Speaking as someone who writes, it would be really cool if you guys decide to leave a review (or a comment, if the story is on AO3) in the stories you read, especially the unfinished ones. It really motivates the authors, and receiving a compliment is always a mood lifter. I’ve seen some authors updating stories after years because of nice reviews, so… yeah, this is just an idea.

Feel free to reply to this post if you think I left out a good story!

Next category: Christmas fics!

[sparkleywonderful]

The Prince of Ice: Ch.21

Part 21 of The Prince of Ice series, a retelling of Heir of Fire from Rowan’s point of view.

The Prince of Ice: Parts [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] [ 7 ] [ 8 ] [ 9 ] [ 10 ] [ 11 ] [ 12 ] [ 13 ] [ 14 ] [ 14.5 ] [ 15 ] [ 16 ]  [ 17 ] [ 18 ] [ 19 ] [ 20 ]

- - - - - - -

He sat at his work table monitoring Aelin. His instincts to protect had battled for hours against his demons. He had never fussed over his mate, the same way he was fussing over Aelin. If he had, maybe… He froze that thought deep into the dark abyss that had become his soul. If there was one lesson that was deeply ingrained, it was that he could never go back.

He looked over at Aelin, noticing she looked peaceful. At this moment he could easily see the Ashryver lineage in the gold of her skin and hair. He remembered decades ago when Rhoe had fallen in love with one of the fair princesses on a trip to Wendlyn. He had given up his right of succession to marry Evalin. The royal court in Terrasen had feared that she would would stay young as he continued to age. With no heir possible from King Orlon, it was determined that their child would be the heir to the throne.

He had a feeling it was a concession on the part of the nobles. Rhoe and Orlon were the last of Brannon’s line. He recalled the lessons that he and Edna sat through, the lessons to mold them into the heads of House Whitethorn. He recalled his uncle mentioning that Terrasen had a great distrust of Maeve and in some ways Wendlyn. Terrasen would never kneel to a princess of Wendlyn.

His eyes dropped to the scared hands and wrists that rested on her abdomen. Instead of being groomed for the crown, she had spent the past ten years being trained to kill. Instead of attending balls and royal functions, she had spent a year as a slave. She was much stronger than he had initially given her credit for. The spoiled brat facade was just that, a mark she wore to face her world.

The scent of two familiar demi-fae pulled him from his thoughts. He had always enjoyed the company of the old man and Luca was starting to grow on him, much in the same way Fenrys had. Even now in her current condition neither male were a true threat to her well being. So the growl that erupted from his throat took all of them by surprise.

Emrys flashed a knowing smile, “Well Elentiya, it seems you are in competent hands, we’ll come back in a few days.”

He appreciated the old man, but that knowing smile ruffled him. He needed to bury the thoughts that blossomed from that smile. The guilt to move forward and live while is mate has died could consume him if he let it.

He continued to study the map marking the location of the found bodies. There was not an easily seen pattern, except that the locations made little sense. He could not remember a time where he had stared so intently at a map hoping it would give him the answers he was looking for, while providing the escape of not facing the current situation in his room.

Aelin pulled him from his thoughts, “You know, I highly doubt anyone is going to attack me now, if they’ve already put up with my nonsense for this long.”

“This isn’t negotiable.”  And it was not negotiable. He could hardly explain the strength in his desire to protect her.

“So you mean to tell me that whenever someone comes close to burnout, she not only goes through all this misery, but if she’s female, the males around her go this berserk?”

He set down his pen and twisted to examine her. Was this berserk? No. Berserk would have been barring the doors, eating only meals prepared by himself. Berserk would be incapacitating every demi-fae in this fortress until she was healed. No, he was fighting against berserk.

“This is hardly berserk. At least you can defend yourself by physical means when your magic is useless. For other Fae, even if they’ve had weapons and defense training, if they can’t touch their magic, they’re vulnerable, especially when they’re drained and in pain. That makes people—usually males, yes—somewhat edgy. Others have been known to kill without thought any perceived threat, real or otherwise.”

He pulled her mug from her, seeing that it was drained he refilled it.

“What sort of threat? Maeve’s lands are peaceful.”

“Threats from anywhere—males, females, creatures … You can’t reason against it. Even if it wasn’t in our culture, there would still be an instinct to protect the defenseless, regardless of whether they’re female or male, young or old.”

She was looking a little peeky. He reached for a slice of bread and a bowl of beef broth. “Eat this.”

“It pains me to say this, but one more bite and I’ll be sick all over the place.”

Ignoring her, he dipped the bread into the broth and held them out to her. Before she had a chance to argue with him, “You need to keep up your energy. You probably came so close to burnout because you didn’t have enough food in your stomach.”

He should have been closely monitoring, before he asked her to keep three fires alight, he should have ensured she had a full meal, something more than an apple. It was his job to instruct her and even though they had already determined he was the worst teacher in the world, he never recalled telling her that her fae body requires more food than her human form.

While she ate, he fussed around the room before grabbing the now empty bowl from her, returning to the worktable trying to ignore the pain that was written between her brows.

“So when the magic runs out,” she said, “that’s it—either you stop or you burn out?”

The fact that he suspected they shared a carranam bond, her question allowed him to ease into a conversation he had been avoiding the last few hours. He knew her training on her fae nature was limited, would have been limited even if the last ten years had not occurred. Demi-fae rarely were powerful enough to have experienced the carranam bond.

Rowan leaned back in his chair. “Well, there’s the carranam.”

“It’s hard to explain, I’ve only ever seen it used a handful of times on killing fields. When you’re drained, your carranam can yield their power to you, as long as you’re compatible and actively sharing a blood connection.”

She tilted her head to the side. “If we were carranam, and I gave you my power, would you still only be using wind and ice—not my fire?”

He nodded his response.

“How do you know if you’re compatible with someone?”

He thought for a moment, “There’s no way of telling until you try. And the bond is so rare that the majority of Fae never meet someone who is compatible, or whom they trust enough to test it out. There’s always a threat that they could take too much—and if they’re unskilled, they could shatter your mind. Or you could both burn out completely.”

He felt the guilt he had been hoarding over the deep need to care for Aelin in ways that he did not Lyria fade completely. While the mating bond was sacred, to experience it did not leave you completely defenseless. To share a carranam bond with another soul, to allow yourself to open completely to another soul, to trust them enough not to harm you, that was an entirely different matter. To trust another soul that deeply explained the strength of his need to protect her.

“Could you ever just steal magic from someone?”

“Less savory Fae once attempted to do so—to win battles and add to their own power—but it never worked. And if it did, it was because the person they held hostage was coincidentally compatible. Maeve outlawed any forced bonds long before I was born, but … I’ve been sent a few times to hunt down corrupt Fae who keep their carranam as slaves. Usually, the slaves are so broken there’s no way to rehabilitate them. Putting them down is the only mercy I can offer.”

The memories of those times threatened to overtake him. The only reason he survived those deaths was because he often prayed for the same mercy he granted to those broken souls.

“Doing that must be harder than all the wars and sieges you’ve ever waged.”

It was those times that he had prayed to the gods, begged to them for a better world, a world without monsters.

“Immortality is not as much of a gift as mortals would believe. It can breed monsters that even you would be sick to learn about. Imagine the sadists you’ve encountered—and then imagine them with millennia to hone their craft and warped desires.”

He watched Aelin shudder at the thought. She had also seen and known the monsters that plagued their world, but only from the human aspect. “This conversation’s become too awful to have after eating,”

“Tell me which one of your little cadre is the handsomest, and if he would fancy me.”

He could not hold back the choke that left his throat.  The thought of her and Fenrys made his blood boil, it was amazing how the boyo could annoy him even in a general conversation. But her with the others caused him to feel a strong dread in the pit of his stomach.

“The thought of you with any of my companions makes my blood run cold.”

“They’re that awful? Your kitty-cat friend looked decent enough.”

It took all of his being not to choke out a laugh. Kitty-cat?

“I don’t think my kitty-cat friend would know what to do with you—nor would any of the others. It would likely end in bloodshed.”

He crossed his arms at the grin that alight her face. While there was a part of him that wanted to see her smile, the other part did not want her to smile at the thought of being with one of his companions. He needed to end this conversation before it morphed into another line of questioning.

“They would likely have very little interest in you, as you’ll be old and decrepit soon enough and thus not worth the effort it would take to win you.”

He almost smiled when she rolled her eyes, “Killjoy.”

When he looked over her again, his eyes caught on her wrists, the proof that she had once worn shackles.

“A skilled healer could probably get rid of those scars—definitely the ones on your wrist, and most on your back.”

He was not sure why he offered the fleeting thought, her scars told a story that should not be erased.

“There were cells in the bowels of the mines that they used to punish slaves. Cells so dark you would wake up in them and think you’d been blinded. They locked me in there sometimes—once for three weeks straight. And the only thing that got me through it was reminding myself of my name, over and over and over—I am Celaena Sardothien.”

It took all of his two centuries of being Maeve’s blood sworn to lock down the rage that was boiling inside him. He sat listening to a girl of eighteen tell him about her hell.

“When they would let me out, so much of my mind had shut down in the darkness that the only thing I could remember was that my name was Celaena. Celaena Sardothien, arrogant and brave and skilled, Celaena who did not know fear or despair, Celaena who was a weapon honed by Death.”

“I don’t usually let myself think about that part of Endovier, after I got out, there were nights when I would wake up and think I was back in those cells, and I would have to light every candle in my room to prove I wasn’t. They don’t just kill you in the mines—they break you.

“There are thousands of slaves in Endovier, and a good number are from Terrasen. Regardless of what I do with my birthright, I’m going to find a way to free them someday. I will free them. Them, and all the slaves in Calaculla, too. So my scars serve as a reminder of that.”

The name whispered on the wind all those weeks ago came forward. Fireheart.

What other pain was she caring close to her heart? Before he could stop himself, “What happened ten years ago, Aelin?”

“I’m not going to talk about that.”

“If you took up your crown, you could free Endovier far more easily than—”

“I can’t talk about it.”

This is when he knew that she blamed herself in some part for the events that occurred ten years ago.

“Why?”

“There is this … rage, this despair and hatred and rage that lives and breathes inside me. There is no sanity to it, no gentleness. It is a monster dwelling under my skin. For the past ten years, I have worked every day, every hour, to keep that monster locked up. And the moment I talk about those two days, and what happened before and after, that monster is going to break loose, and there will be no accounting for what I do.”

And there it was. He had worked through that rage when he slowly killed the Fae that had murdered his wife and child. He was able to settle the rage knowing that those responsible were dead. He could not imagine what it would have been like to have to bottle up that rage because he was helpless to seek vengeance.

“That is how I was able to stand before the King of Adarlan, how I was able to befriend his son and his captain, how I was able to live in that palace. Because I did not give that rage, those memories, one inch. And right now I am looking for the tools that might destroy my enemy, and I cannot let out the monster, because it will make me use those tools against the king, not put them back as I should—and I might very well destroy the world for spite. So that is why I must be Celaena, not Aelin—because being Aelin means facing those things, and unleashing that monster. Do you understand?”

He did, more than she realized.

“For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you would destroy the world from spite. But I also think you like to suffer. You collect scars because you want proof that you are paying for whatever sins you’ve committed. And I know this because I’ve been doing the same damn thing for two hundred years. Tell me, do you think you will go to some blessed Afterworld, or do you expect a burning hell? You’re hoping for hell—because how could you face them in the After-world? Better to suffer, to be damned for eternity and—”

“That’s enough,” she whispered.

What a pair they were. He continued to sit at his work table, knowing that if laid next to her in this very moment he would pull her into him. That was a line he could not cross. It was bad enough that he did not request a cot, sharing a living space would blur the lines, sharing a bed would blur then even farther.

He also knew that he should not get attached, that in a short matter of time that he would have to leave. That this chapter of their lives would end and at that time they would have to part ways.

For tonight and for the days to come he would live in the moment, take the small reprieve from the darkness that she had to offer.

Together. He knew that the together they spoke of did not end here. With that thought, he laid beside her allowing her scent of jasmine, lemon verbena and embers caress over his battered soul, before he spoke,  “At least if you’re going to hell, then we’ll be there together.”

Tired of fighting the urge to touch her, he brushed a large hand down her hair, hiding the smirk when she flatly stated, “I feel bad for the dark god already.”

“When I’m back to normal, can I assume you’re going to yell at me about almost burning out?”

He let out a soft laugh but continued stroking her hair. “You have no idea.”

In that moment he decided that the day she decided to free the slaves from the labor camps, that he would be beside her. Even if Maeve whipped him within a millimeter of his life, it would be worth the pain to see a single wish of hers to come true. “I have no doubt that you’ll be able to free the slaves from the labor camps some day. No matter what name you use.”

When he felt her hand against his chest, and she whispered “thank you for looking after me,” he grunted to fight the urge to pull her closer. Boundaries. She was off-limits for a thousand reasons, not to mention that even if he could open his heart in that way again, he was sworn to Maeve.

@awesomebooksuniverse @loppymooney @queen-elain @inrealliampain @namjoonseuphoria

[nikkiitalks]

Below the cut is a story submitted to me, the text below the cut is not mine.

Seeing people receive hate for sharing their stories, I decided to share my own. Hope Nikki doesn’t mind me sharing the story in her inbox. I am only doing it because I want to protect others.

Let me start from the very beginning. I started roleplaying very young back in elementary school. It was a town forum rp. It was hardly a roleplay, most of the time we would talk more out of character and share images. It involved people of the same age group. But it opened the doors for me and I started roaming different forums. Reading and roleplaying with others helped me to develop a vivid interest in writing, which became the love of my life.

The very first time I wrote my first smut was 10 years old, but it was more of a ‘fade to black’ scene. At that age, you have zero understanding of what you are doing and what the hell you’re supposed to be doing. Very quickly I became somewhat disinterested in forums (and I developed a muse blockage which destroyed any relationship developments with my partners), I decided to check out MySpace. Now this is when I really started to enjoy roleplaying to the fullest and experience the ups and downs of my most beloved fandoms.

But this is when things really went downhills. My smut was no longer ‘fade to black’. It was more explicit, a lot more dirty and most of the time I have no idea what I was meant to write. I was forced to read a lot of lemon stories and even watch videos. I come from that era where no one really cared for mun’s age. No one even asked how old you are. I didn’t know my partner’s either. And I could care less. As long as someone is writing with me- who cares, right?  Now that I am a bit older, I am weirdened out by my behavior and how I never thought through my coincidences. My actions could put someone else in a lot of trouble. I never thought or considered that. I could not imagine myself writing with 14 years old, let alone I can hardly engage in a conversation with someone in their eighteen or nineteens. In more recent times, I seek out my rping partners on reddit. And I dig through my (possibly) future partner’s posting history. There was a time when I turned down someone for lying about their age to me.

But now wait for my story.

I was 18, soon to turn 19, when I met one of my long-term rping partners who very quickly became my boyfriend. I admit- I am very sheltered, super naïve and never dated in real life. I was also poisoned with a belief that this is my one and only relationship and it will be the most beautiful romance of my life. What were red flags didn’t look like red flags to me. And one of my 1x1 RP partners kept pointing things out to me. They were worried about me and quickly noticed my behavior changed. I was not seeing them.

My boyfriend was 10 years older than I was. We quickly connected and indulged in 1x1. One couple became five more ships and then we ended up writing more and more. I also found myself falling for him because we were connecting very well outside of our characters. But how wrong I was. He knew I experienced sexual harassment at the age of 12, but that’s a different story. I opened up to him about it. He was one of the first people who learned about what I have gone through and thought he’s supportive of me.

First red flags I noticed were all over our stories. First time I inquired with him if he wanted to write an age gap story (not even having us in our mind), he agreed. I have never written one, wanted to experience it, also saw a few fun ideas all over Tumblr. Then later he started to suggest them more and more to me. One of them which horrifies me, is how he wanted me to write as someone as young as 14 once. Another one was a fangirl wooing over her favorite actor who is in mid-30s and she is the one who is seducing him. I actually talked with him about it and his response was, “he is hot, he can get any girl, she would feel inferior to them”. Thinking about that makes me crawl inside.  I can only apologize. I really should have known better as someone who experienced sexual harassment from someone 20 years older than me.

Second red flags came up was that he kept pushing me roleplay ideas. I didn’t have any more time left for my other 1x1s. It was all about him. I reached the state where I wanted to communicate with more people outside of him, but I would feel bad. I would make new blogs, reconnect to my previous partners and would deactivate in less than a week. I would not be able to sleep. I would be sweating up all night and  thinking if this makes me a cheater. I know it doesn’t. And it would never do.

He never liked me writing more ‘strong’ characters. He never liked his characters ending up inferior to mine. His characters always had to come out on top despite nothing. And if my characters were to show his any attitude, he would start complaining. It would even show in his responses and it would border on an emotional abuse towards my characters. He once even lashed out to me for retriggering his childhood memory I didn’t even know he had. Admittedly, I felt bad. He even had a weird set of rules on which words not to use.

For instance, I had a lawyer female character. And I even had ideas for her. But his reply once just…. left me speechless. I actually started wondering if he actually reads what I am writing at this point.  My adult lawyer female character ended up a cheerleader at his character’s practice (college?) and they ended up having sex in the bleachers. I was speechless by that moment.

And I felt inferior to him because our roleplays only had his ideas. Even any spirit my characters had demolished very soon after. I felt like they had no voice. The only few times when I suggested to him with what I came up, he had made everything his own.  He would thrust his ideas onto my characters. In the middle of our roleplay, we were talking my character- he started complaining how he doesn’t like it. My character was a witch. For him, witches only able to cast spells and create portals. He can’t have any abilities. If my character wants to possess other abilities- he needs different specie other than a witch.

In the last 3 months of our relationship, I opened up to him that I am having a burnout. I feel zero excitement towards anything we’re writing. I also asked him to tone down on sexual scenes. I want to focus more on the stories instead of constant sex. He agreed. I also requested him if he could stop making characters that often, writing a starter and then tell me only the next day. I had around ~350 characters that moment. There were mornings when I would wake up to a new story and I can’t muster out any excitement. He said we can stick to what we’re writing at the moment.  In less than 2 weeks, he broke that promise. New characters all over again.

Speaking of our own personal relationship, I ended up very lonely. I lost my friends. My friends started to turn their back on me. I drifted apart from them. My mom was also very unsupportive of this relationship and it became the whole mindset ‘us against the whole world’. She probably sensed something was wrong and I fought her hard. I was very wrong about it. It took me months to convince him to send me a picture, couldn’t convince him to talk to me on a video chat, though. And one of the least proud things I’ve ever done was to send my nudes. Holy fuck, I was stupid. There are times when sometimes I try to search up sites to make sure they have not ended up anywhere.

 I was very withdrawn and depressive. I remember the first months of our relationship under the mist. I don’t know where that time disappeared. Our relationship also happened around a very bad period of my life. I lost two dear people and I had a small PTSD stemming out from losing them. I couldn’t sleep, every time I did I would get nightmares. I also developed panic attacks and anxiety. This man not even once showed me a hint of sympathy towards my mental health. Not even a single worry coming from him.  Not even once he suggested me seeing therapy or talking things out with me. He would promise to talk to me about what is bothering me, only to neglect the subject by the following day.

He would often tell me I’m his soulmate and he loves me so much.  I was bombed with attention for the first time, for the first time I felt lucky someone considered me beautiful- and loved me for who I am. I was very trustworthy, he made it into a façade. The words that initially brought me joy left me scarred for the rest of my life. Sometimes I dream of him and I wake up triggered. I will be angry, I will be sad, my throat is clenched and it will be like this until I wake up again.

There were a lot of more things that came from our personal interactions, that don’t make me proud for overlooking these hints .This was the same person who smeared my sexuality and shamed LGBTQ+ community. He was transphobic. I was stupid believing I can change him and I would defend everyone with my will. I believed one’s opinion can be helped. He’d probably despise me today- as I am actually wondering that I might be non-binary. I currently use she/they pronouns to identify. He tried to deny me for who I really was by covering my arguments with ‘You know why I like you? You are so docile and nice, not like those whore American girls’.

He is broken but it is not my job to fix him. I didn’t break him. I was so wrong for thinking this is my soulmate  and latching onto every single word of his. I realize fault in my actions where I enabled and encouraged him to write what did. I am currently on a therapy for this. I wish what I knew now and I wish I could have fought him better.

There are people in this community who are as amazing as they write. They will seem ideal and very kindhearted. They don’t get into any drama.  There will be a lot of things that makes you click and you feel like your creativity juices flow together. But they hide things about themselves. And since we’re all writers here- we, might as well, give ourselves happy ending at that too. We might as well create ourselves flaweless characters.  I believe this person lied to me about who they are. I believe I was being taken an advantage of in many ways.

I still sometimes roleplay but I am very careful. Truthfully speaking after this experience, I won’t roleplay with any male roleplayers.  I know not every single one of them is like this and to those I wish all the best of luck. I don’t roleplay smut. I have nothing against it, but my focus is on different stories. I enjoy writing it for fanfictions, though, but even them they need to have a ‘backbone’ for me.  Although I still love romance a tons.

And I would like to apologize on my own faults in this story. I am sorry if I upset anybody else while you were reading this. To those who are reading this, please take a good care of yourselves and please protect yourselves online the best way. Always trust your gut. If someone is challenging your thoughts, DON’T try to change them. They won’t and they are not worth it. Your heart will hurt for a little bit, but someone better is coming along.

[easyhairstylesbest]

Pisces Monthly Horoscope

MONTH OF January

Monthly Snapshot

Get into the flow! After a hyperkinetic 2020, the new year begins at a more Piscean pace, with lots of divine downloads, creative epiphanies and nostalgic forays down winding tangents that take you…well, who cares where you end up? Certainly not you right now!

Your bohemian side leads the charge until January 19, while the Sun is in Capricorn and your carefree eleventh house of teamwork and technology. You’ll be in the mood to commune with your crew until then. But afterward, the Sun slips into Aquarius and your restful twelfth house, joining three other planets, and it’s hibernation ON.

With Jupiter and Saturn beginning their first full months of a long trek through Aquarius, your (Pisces-ruled) twelfth house is activated, making you a channel as well as an emotional sponge. You’ll need to guard your boundaries and shield your field to prevent yourself from soaking up everyone’s feelings around you (hashtag-empath, anyone?). The silver lining: If you properly protect and nurture yourself, you could settle into a poignant year where your healing and artistic powers build into a renaissance era.

You’ll have no shortage of great ideas either, since energizer Mars and mad-scientist Uranus are both in Taurus for most of January, sparking your intellect and turning you into a one-Fish communication station. But make sure all signals are clear, not crossed, before Mercury turns retrograde on January 30, muddling your messaging and playing trickster with your technology.

Week 1: January 1-10

What a great idea!

Bring on the fresh innovations! On Wednesday, January 6, energizer Mars enters Taurus and your third house of communication and interactivity until March 3. Your social life, even if it’s virtual, is about to pick up speed. Get ready to start the year with a flurry of meetings and other invitations. Your mind will be hungry for new information and forward-thinking people during this time. Just pace yourself so you don’t overload!

This creative, collaborative energy boost will be a relief—and one that’s a long time coming. Since June 27, 2020, Mars has been making an extended trip through Aries and your second house of work and money, revving up your revenue but also increasing stress and job demands.

Have you been working long hours trying to get ahead, but still bumping up against constant deadlines? Or perhaps you’ve faced unexpected expenses that forced you to take on even more new projects or responsibilities? If life has felt like a stressful grind, Mars is to blame for that. The upside? You also got a cosmic confidence boost, a strong sense of your own resilience and the conviction to live by your most cherished principles.

All those irons you’ve put in the fire will start to pay off in a new way now, especially if you find ways to market and share them. Keep your batteries charged by regularly getting away from screens and devices…and if possible, from work altogether. Variety will keep your mind refreshed and receptive. Bust up any draining habits you’ve picked up with Mars in Aries and bring on the novel experiences.

Hint: This new Mars transit is less about “what you do” and more about “who you know.” The emphasis between now and March 3 should be on circulating yourself and boldly sharing your brightest ideas and pioneering projects.

Week 2: January 11-17

Ups and downs

Lean in…or lean back? This week finds you doing your best impersonation of the Energizer Bunny, scrambling off in a million different directions, then crashing. Blame it on a consortium of planets activating both your Taurus-ruled third house of communication and your Aquarius-governed twelfth house of rest, healing and imagination. One part of you is psyched to have a million irons in the fire, while the other part wants to escape for a long winter’s nap!

To be more specific: Go-getter Mars and innovative Uranus are both in Taurus all month, making your mind run a million miles an hour. But expansive Jupiter and cautious Saturn have hunkered down into Aquarius, luring you into hibernation. You could be torn between what your logical mind and your intuition are telling you, and they’ll be giving you very different messaging. This is already filed under #PiscesProblems on a normal day, but this week, that tension reaches new heights.

It all begins on Wednesday, January 13, when Mars and Saturn get embroiled in a tense square. You’re multitasking and juggling a million projects…then suddenly sobering Saturn throws ice water on your big plans. You might realize with a crash that you didn’t really set yourself up with a proper strategy, or that you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. And while the pressure’s on to give answers or make decisions, you simply don’t have all the information you need to do so.

Do everything possible to buy some extra time, Pisces. On Thursday, January 14, innovative Uranus wakes up from a five-month retrograde in your cerebral third house. You’ll suddenly see options that you couldn’t before, and you’ll feel confident exploring these out-of-the-box new ideas. Bonus: There will be ZERO retrograde planets for the next two weeks, granting you cosmic clearance to make major moves without second-guessing yourself.

Adding to the planetary pick-me-up this Thursday, the confident Sun will make its annual conjunction (meetup) with powerhouse Pluto in Capricorn and your eleventh house of teamwork and technology. Is it time to align yourself with a new group? You could be invited into the upper echelons of a well-connected and innovative crew. Pay special attention to the people you surround yourself with—are they lifting you up or dragging you down? Cut those energy vampires loose because an exciting collaboration could be coming your way soon.

Ready to truly free yourself from a confining situation? On Sunday, January 17, two of the most freedom-seeking planets, Jupiter and Uranus, lock into an embattled square. This happens once every seven years, and when it does, anything that feels codependent or limiting could make you want to break away.

Have you taken on too many projects or opinion-polled one too many people? It’s time to bust out of “analysis paralysis” and to unburden yourself of obligations that don’t feel fulfilling. Doing things out of duty might temporarily ease your guilt, but the resentment that builds up isn’t worth the price of admission for that.

Week 3: January 18-24

Tune in or turn off?

Downshift, Pisces. This is the week the stars help you finally settle into full-on hibernation. (Well, mostly—more on that in a minute.) On Tuesday, January 19, the Sun enters Aquarius and your restful twelfth house until February 18, joining Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn. Life is but a (lucid) dream—and you could feel like you’re in a surreal state much of the time. Tap into your vivid imagination while your creative and spiritual powers are super-charged.

Just when you thought it was safe to unplug, your devices start blowing up with news, texts and exciting communications this Wednesday, January 20, when activator Mars and changemaker Uranus connect in Taurus and your third house of ideas and information. This will be equal parts thrilling and overwhelming, especially since there could be some curveball or bombshell announcements triggered by this midweek mashup.

Got a message to share or something to promote? Go “live” today and shout it from the virtual rooftops. Your powers of persuasion, mixed with a touch of Uranian shock value and Martian swagger, will definitely capture attention.

On Saturday, January 23, Mars will clash with over-the-top Jupiter in your dreamy twelfth house, a battle between your logical left brain and intuitive right brain. You could feel torn between listening to your head or your heart. Both will be doggedly vying for your attention. Someone may be demanding answers or a fast reply, but your intuition KNOWS you’re not ready to make that decision yet. To whatever extent possible, stall!

How slow CAN you go, Pisces? When sobering Saturn makes its once-a-year conjunction with the revitalizing Sun on Saturday, the cosmos pulls the brake big-time. This mindful merger in your twelfth house of closure puts a “hard stop” on toxic or codependent patterns, relationships and dynamics.

Since Saturn makes things tangible, any inner struggles could be reflected in breakdowns in your mental and even your physical wellbeing. You’re forced to take off the rose-colored spectacles and look at the harsh truth. Maybe you’ve put someone on a pedestal and ignored a few questionable facets of their character. Denial isn’t an option today.

Have you put off grieving a loss or dealing with old but unaddressed wounds? Perhaps there’s someone to forgive and release, a person who treated you poorly or even abusively, even trauma you haven’t recovered from yet. If you’re in a caregiver position, guard against burnout by getting the support you need.

Both the Sun and Saturn are linked to the masculine and father archetype, and this could be the day to address any “dad issues.” Stop to heal and deal. If you reach out for support, make sure it’s with qualified professionals ONLY. Check their credentials and references thoroughly.

Week 4: January 25-31

Naptime with the muse

Welcome to Imagination Station! This week, four heavenly bodies converge in insightful Aquarius and your twelfth house of rest, creativity and closure. The Sun, Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn are all in this inventive sign, activating its healing and artistic zone.

On the upside, you could have a serious creative or spiritual breakthrough. But you might also be verging on burnout or in need of some serious R&R. Tak a guilt-free nap if at all possible. You may just do some of your most important work while you’re sleeping! Keep a notebook handy in case you have vivid dreams so you can properly preserve your celestial inspiration.

On Tuesday, January 26, the Sun in rational Aquarius will square off against disruptor Uranus in emotional Taurus, echoing the tension of the January 17 Jupiter-Uranus square. Once again, you’ll be pulled between head and heart, logic and intuition.

Disruptive Uranus in your communication zone could bust up your mellow groove with a million calls, texts and appointments. A fast-talking person could try to rush you into an arrangement you’re simply not ready for. You may feel pressured to make a decision, but your intuition is strongly insisting that there’s more to this story. When in doubt, wait it out.

Clarity could arrive on Thursday, January 28, when a full moon in bold Leo illuminates your sensible, fact-finding sixth house. You’ll know exactly which questions to ask to get the information you need. The sixth house rules wellness and organization, and these moonbeams could inspire everything from a major decluttering to a kickoff of your 2021 wellness goals.

Even better? On Thursday, the Sun will conjunct expansive Jupiter in their once-a-year meetup, known as the Day of Miracles and considered by astrologers to be one of the luckiest days of the year. For Pisces, this event will supercharge your dreamy twelfth house even more—opening up a direct connection to divine inspiration. Is this the moment when you finally, deeply get a handle on whatever’s been holding you back? Letting go now can bring incredible closure and healing, and could very well provide the inspiration for making 2021 a year you’ll WANT to remember.

You may have to keep those insights to yourself for a bit, though, because on Saturday, January 30,class=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” communication planet Mercury will turn retrograde in Aquarius and your twelfth house of closure and illusion until February 20. This time isn’t favorable for clear communication, and you may feel completely exhausted by all the mental and spiritual work you’ve been doing.

As much as you want to check out, avoid doing so in unhealthy ways. Keep letting go, forgive as deeply as you can, and make rest your number-one priority. When Pisces season begins on February 18, you’ll emerge restored and ready for a fresh start.

LOVE & ROMANCE:

Ready for a little more fun in your love life? Incoming! This January 6, agitating Mars leaves Aries and your sector of money, security and practical matters after being parked there for six months. You probably felt SOME pressure around making a relationship official or locking down stability with your emotions or your hard-earned (and quickly depleted) cash reserves. For some Fish, money stress may have gotten in the way of relationships or harmony, whether that was finding the funds or getting vulnerable enough to connect intimately.

Once Mars moves on to Taurus and your expressive third house, you’ll naturally seek to create more time for socializing. Variety in and of itself becomes a turn-on, whether that means multiple partners or just spending more time with friends—IRL or virtually. Now that you’re focusing on this area of life again, you might realize that a few of those bonds need repair. Open up the lines of communication and be gracious, humble and ready to listen.

On January 8, loving Venus moves into Capricorn and your friendship zone until February 1, making it so much easier to articulate what you’re feeling without taking things personally. While it may be tough to host parties or play matchmaker, you might cash in some karmic dividends acquired from all the times you played Cupid and introduced people. Sparks could fly with a friend or someone you meet online, especially at the annual harmonious hookup of Venus and Mars on January 9 , when a meeting of the minds can lead to a melding of the hearts.

Key Dates:

January 9: Venus-Mars trine

Bring on the lasting love! As affectionate Venus and passionate Mars harmonize in stable earth signs, you could have true romance with all the trimmings—sensuality and stability. Skip the “come here now go away” players and their mixed messages. A partner who makes you feel secure is suddenly the most attractive catch in town. Coupled? Mark a long-term relationship with a thoughtful gift to let your mate know how much you cherish them.

MONEY & CAREER:

  Dear Reader: To bring you cutting-edge financial and career astrology, we’ve replaced our monthly Money & Career horoscope with an expanded new offering. And we’re burstinclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” g with excitement to announce it!

We invite you to join the waitlist for our Astropreneurs community, where we’ll be sharing tools, trainings and cosmic career coaching in 2021 and beyond! Whether you’re an entrepreneur, a dreamer with a side hustle or just looking for deeper satisfaction from your work, we’ll guide you to your path and purpose by the stars.

2021 Vision Board Experience: January 28 with The AstroTwins Ready to design a path that truly fulfills you in 2021? Joclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” in us for a star-powered live online event to create success, leadership and impact on January 28, 2021. Tickets available at https://astrostyle.com/visionboard21

Love Days: 26, 3

Money Days: 10, 19

Luck Days: 8, 16

Off Days: 28, 6

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Pisces Monthly Horoscope

[ironykins]

Here’s a big question/answer chain letter that I’m about to answer. I’ll put a read more to minimize the amount of space this takes up.

I was tagged by @tiffronic-supersonic​

1. What’s your biggest pet peeve? 

Not a lot of things really deeply bother me. But I feel helpless soul crushing despair and annoyance whenever capitalism/corporate attitudes lead to certain behaviors. 

Mostly in the world of software and business. There’s so much wasted potential and inefficiency because we need to maintain intellectual property and turn a profit. 

The same sort of thing happens in the pharmaceutical sector. You see huge premiums paid for products that, for the good of our species, should be accessible to anyone, not privatized to line someone’s pockets.

That just really fucking bothers me.

2. What one fear would you like to conquer?

Probably going outside or talking to strangers or something mundane like that.

3. What’s your favourite song lyric and why? 

This changes on a near monthly basis but these AJJ lyrics are currently my favourite: 

The skate park is only fifteen minutemen songs away

And there’s nothing I would rather do on this terrible fucking day

Than break, break, break my bones, and feel the pain of self improvement

It’s just got this grim determination without any sugar coating. I love it.

4. If you could shop at one store for free, which would it be? 

Computer stores. Preferably ones with lots of cool toys.

5. Which language would you like to speak fluently?

Japanese probably, because I’m a huge weeb and I consume a lot of media that comes from there. I’d be able to play untranslated games without missing out on anything.

6. What secret super power would you like to have, and why?

Infinite willpower.

7. Would you like to be famous and what would you like to be known for? 

It’d be really cool to be a well known open source developer. Someone famous for giving up the ability to turn a profit in favour of making the world a better place. Like the vision that Tim Berners-Lee had for a freely accessible internet, or what Tesla wanted for electricity.

8. What was the worst haircut you ever had?

About a year ago I told my hairdresser I’d be good with anything and she gave me a hitler youth style undercut. I didn’t mind it but it was not a good idea at all.

9. What are the most important qualities in friends?

All you need are people who respect you and want you to be content. Everything else follows from that. 

10. What’s the most significant lesson you’ve learned in life so far?

Go out there and fucking lose. Try a lot and fail a lot. Don’t be ashamed of it.

11. What makes you laugh the hardest?

My friend Crazy.

12. What’s your proudest accomplishment? 

I’m not overly proud of anything I’ve done. I guess getting through school and finding a job. I haven’t let anyone down on that front so far.

I’m just happy I’m still alive and functional.

13. If you could have any view out the window of your room, which would it be? 

I’d have a 360 degree view from the turret of an old style home, preferably somewhere coastal and constantly rainy.

14. If you could eat dinner with one celebrity, who would it be, and why?

Pick a famous computer scientist. The angrier the better. See if I can get them mad about something and watch them spew spit and jargon.

15. If you could do something dangerous just once with no risk, what would you do? 

Try to lie, cheat, hack, or socially engineer my way into somewhere important. A corporate HQ or some government building or something.

16. What’s your all-time favourite music video? 

This One

17. Which three words would you use to describe yourself?

Jaded, Slow, Misplaced.

18. What’s the first thing you’d do if you suddenly changed into the opposite sex?

Probably touch myself a lot. Satisfy my curiosity.

19. What’s your favourite website, and why?

The internet sucks. I like the concept of things like github and thingiverse though. They’re proof that we can find a compromise between idealistic freedom of information and capitalistic demands for monetization.

20. If you got a tattoo, what would you get and where would you out it?

I’d want to get it in secret and not tell anyone I got it. So I won’t say.

21. When you’re down, what do you do to feel better? 

Reading books is the #1 way for me to calm down and relax. It gives me something to focus on.

22. If you could go on tour with a band for a month, who would it be, and why? 

Trivium would be cool because of the legendary bromance between the 3 lead dudes. I’d love to get in on that. The Kills would also be cool because it’d be like traveling with two burnout rocker parents with lots of stories to tell.

23. What’s you favourite dessert? 

I’m not sure I have one. Maybe lemon cake? Frankfurter Kranz? Ginger snap cookies?

24. What one thing would you want to do most if you had all the money in the world?

Build a utopia from square one. Do away with the notion that everyone has to work. Build more efficient computerized transportation networks. Research sustainable ways to feed a large population.

25. Who’s the least obvious person you’d like to kiss? 

I don’t know what this means. I don’t want to kiss anyone.

26. Would you join in at a topless beach? 

No. I’m not big on beaches or being topless.

27. Where would you most like to travel? 

I wish I wanted to travel but I have a really hard time giving a shit about it. Probably Japan. They’ve got some legendary arcades.

28. What would you eat for your ultimate birthday dinner? 

The local burger joint. That’s where I’m going for my birthday today hopefully.

29. What was your most embarrassing moment? 

I’ve probably shoved it into the memory vault and I don’t care to dredge it out.

30. What historical sporting event would you like to witness? 

EVO Moment #37

31. Which song evokes the strongest memories for you? 

Mr. Jones by Counting Crows maybe. Or anything by The Front Bottoms. I didn’t listen to them when I was younger but they’re really nostalgic somehow.

32. What’s the best birthday celebration you can imagine?

Right now, going to the local burger joint.

33. What’s your favourite ethnic food? 

Vietnamese style rice vermicelli dishes are great.

34. Do you have any habits you’d like to give up? 

Yeah. I have a really shit sleep schedule and that’d be cool to fix.

35. What would you save first if your house caught on fire? 

My fileserver. It’s got everything I’ve ever worked on, written, all my pictures, etc. My files are more important than any of my physical possessions because there are more irreplaceable things among them.

I also cope with getting rid of physical things by taking and storing a lot of pictures of them.

36. Who would you trade places with for one month? Maybe Michael Phelps? 

Nobody. That would be cruel. Someone would have to pick up my life without knowing what I know. They wouldn’t be able to have meaningful interactions with my friends or family. They wouldn’t be able to do my job. It’d be lonely and they’d be destroying my life as I do the same to theirs.

37. What’s the story behind your first name? 

It’s the long-form version of my grandfather’s name. Kurt is apparently short for Konrad.

38. What’s been the biggest obstacle in your life so far? 

Apathy

39. Have you ever stolen something? What was it? Why did you steal it? 

I stole a chunk of wood from my elementary school playground as it was being demolished. I got yelled at because I ran onto the pile of rubble as they were digging into it with a backhoe. I don’t think that really counts as stealing though.

40. To you, what’s the secret to happiness?

Fuck buddy if I knew I’d tell you.

[scarletjedi]

My wife, gentlepersons

Brig was already aboard the boat when Gimli and Legolas arrived, attending the rigging for the simple sail and making ready to depart.@brydylcai​: All of the writing asks because I worry you don't have enough to do

so. 

all the ones I haven’t answered yet. Behind the cut because long

1. Tell us about your WIP!

Heh, which one? I’ve started writing chapter three of We Are Made Wise because I’m finally getting over my block (I think there was a little burnout). I’ve just updated Old Man Luke, and Pineapple 2 is next. I’m almost finished with my next original short, I’ve figured out where to go next in my novel, and...yeah. :)

2. Where is your favorite place to write?

Where it’s quiet and I can focus. Sometimes that’s the living room. Sometimes it’s my office. Sometimes it’s the Starbucks on the corner. 

4. Do you have any writing habits/rituals?

Depends on where I am. I have to have some sort of ritual to get focused. In my office, I light candles. In the living room, I put on music. At the coffee shop, I have a snack. 

6. Favorite character you’ve written?

My original character, Jamie, from my book is a HOOT. He’s a gay Jewish teen whose convinced that *he* will be the one to capture definitive proof of the Jersey Devil. He’s the non-magical pov in the fic, and his voice is fun. 

7. Favorite/most inspirational book?

Well, on the one hand, I re-wrote the Hobbit, so that’ book is clearly an inspiration. 

8. Do you have any writing buddies or critique partners?

@brydylcai is my in-house sounding board, the same way I am for her. I don’t have a regular beta, but I’ve worked with several depending on the project/story, and they’re all lovely people. 

9. Favorite/least favorite tropes?

I love revelations/coming out stories. I hate deliberate misunderstandings. 

10. Pick an author (or writing friend) to co-write a book with

@brydylcai and I have discussed writing a book together already, so Imma go with her :)

11. What are you planning to work on next?

I have the doc with We Are Made Wise open, so either that or my next short, depending on if I write more tonight or wait until tomorrow. 

12. Which story of yours do you like best? why?

Comes Around Again is the one that earned me what little notoriety I have, and Old Man Luke is doing the same in Star Wars, but I’m most proud of Drowned in Moonlight. That fic was written to excise some grief over Carrie Fisher, and I think I did her proud. 

13. Describe your writing process

I’m tempted to say “Incoherent screaming into the void” but that’s a joke that’s been made before. My process. Hmm. 

I tend to write by the seat of my pants. I like to see what develops and grows naturally. Once I get to a certain point, I’ll stop and make a plot sheet/note page, but I usually have the rough shape figured out before I start to write. 

Once I have a draft, I’ll edit. Sometimes I’ll print and edit on paper. Sometimes I edit online. My original works tend to get more editing than my fanworks. 

14. What does it take for you to be ready to write a book? (i.e. do you research? outline? make a playlist or pinterest board? wing it?)

ha ha ha ha - My original novel has been 15 years in the works, and has gone through many drafts. It’s working now, but I need familiarity. So, I think what I need is research for context and an outline for plot, and a good enough knowledge to feel like I’m winging it. 

15. How do you deal with self-doubt when writing?

I put it down. If I’m not confident on one project, I’ll put it down and turn to another. (This usually means putting down my original work in favor of fanfic, because I’m more confident with that overall, but...). I know what sounds right to my ear, and if I’m not hearing it, there’s usually a reason. Distance/time often lets me see it. 

17. What things (scenes/topics/character types) are you most comfortable writing?

I’m a Jersey Girl, so I tend to set things in Jersey. I love dramatic conversations, so I’m comfortable there. Queer characters. 

18. Tell us about that one book you’ll never let anyone read

That I wrote? Or that I read? Twilight/50 Shades. 

19. How do you cope with writer’s block?

I beat it with a hammer unitl it’s writer’s pebbles. 

20. Any advice for young writers/advice you wish someone would have given you early on?

Write what you love. Write the truths that you know, and research to write the things you don’t know. Don’t be afraid to break your characters; you can put them back together in new and interesting ways. You’ll be given a lot of advice over the years--read enough to recognize what you like. Develop your taste. Take the advice that helps taylor your work to your taste. Reject the advice that changes it away. 

21. What aspect of your writing are you most proud of?

Subtle meanings and implications. 

22. Tell us about the books on your “to write” list

Here are 3:

a) The Lesbian Werewolf Romance Novel. 

b) The Teenage Zombie Novel. 

c) The American-Teenager-Falls-Into-Fantasy-Realm-and-there-are-also-dragons novel

23. Most anticipated upcoming books?

Jer Keene’s next book. I read the first as fic, and then read the novelization, and now I REALLY want to know what comes next. 

The Kingkiller Chronicles book 3

25. What’s your worldbuilding process like?

Seat. Of. My. Pants and flailing. Seriously, I write something because it sounds right, and then figure out how it works after. 

26. What’s the most research you’ve ever put into a book?

I wrote parts of CAA with the hobbit, the lotr, the unfinished tales, and the moves on and open in front of me. 

I became a pagan, and my research for that has influenced my writing of my book. 

27. Every writer's least favorite question - where does your inspiration come from? Do you do certain things to make yourself more inspired? Is it easy for you to come up with story ideas?

I mentioned I was pagan? My patron, Brigid, is among other things, a muse. She pokes, and I start thinking (or I think, and she eggs me on. I’m not sure of the order. could be either or both). But, most of my ideas come from things I read. When I want inspiration, I read. 

Ideas don’t come as easily as I would like, but the fact that I have several projects at once means that it comes easily enough. 

28. How do you stay focused on your own work and how do you deal with comparison?

I have a hard time focusing period, so that’s a challenge. I have put effort into being less jealous because it’s ultimately a useless exercise. 

29. Is writing more of a hobby or do you write with the intention of getting published?

I want to be published like JK Rowling or Stephen King - one thing that gives my financial security, or with enough frequency to do the same. 

30. Do you like to read books similar to your project while you’re drafting or do you stick to non-fiction/un-similar works?

tbh, i read mostly fanfic these days. Most Genre fic makes me angry because there’s something missing from the text. it’s usually women/gay people. 

31. Top five favorite books in your genre?

scifi/fantasy

a) American Gods - Gaiman

b) Foundation/Elijah Bailey mysteries - Assimov

c) The Hobbit

d) Guards!Guards!

e) Years of Rice and Salt

32. On average how much do you write in a day? do you have trouble staying focused/getting the word count in?

Depends. There are days i can’t get a word out. There are days I’ve written about 10k. It depends on if I’m having a good focus day. 

33. What’s your revision/rewriting process like?

long. 

34. Unpopular writing thoughts/opinions?

....like what?

35. Post the last sentence you wrote

““The things I do for the greater good,” Gimli grumbled, his frown softening as Legolas’s laugh rang out to echo through the cavern. “

36. Post a snippet

from Old Man Luke, chapter 11 (probably):

Obi-Wan stood just to the left of the closed door, hand stroking his beard ad the sight of those assembled. It took all of his focus to keep his eyes from growing wide, or let his hands tremble the way they wished to.

Before him, sitting at a conference table, was Asajj Ventress (scowling at the table like a chastised Padawan, though she had submitted to the indignity of the locking cuffs easily enough), and the adult twinned children of Anakin Skywalker.

Luke sat much as he had before, calmly and with no outward signs of concern, reminding Obi-Wan uncomfortably of his own master. Leia sat back from the table, her arms crossed and her expression sardonic. She, too, was apparently unconcerned, if outwardly exasperated, and Obi-Wan knew that if hadn’t already been told, he would be able to see the resemblance between father and daughter in a heartbeat.

Still, Obi-Wan had the distinct and uncomfortable sensation of not quite living up to her expectations.

The bulk of her resentment, however, was aimed directly at the only other occupant of the room—Anakin.

Their father.

Obi-Wan needed a drink.

37. Do you ever write long handed or do you prefer to type everything?

I write long-handed when I’m having focus issues. It’s slow enough to make me focus. 

38. How do you nail voice in your books?

I talk to myself. Out loud. Constantly. 

39. Do you spend a lot of time analyzing and studying the work of authors you admire?

When I read, I’m known to stop and think “that was a perfectly crafted sentence!” or “How did they do that?” 

40. Do you look up to any of your writer buddies?

all of them. They’re all awesome, though in different ways. 

41. Are there any books you feel have shaped you as a writer?

Harry Potter. I’m not sure how, but I’m sure it has. 

42. How many drafts do you usually write before you feel satisfied?

Depends on how fully formed the story was in my head before I started. Fanfic gets 2 - rough and beta. Original fic gets rough, first, second, etc

43. How do you deal with rejection?

Badly at first. Then it evolved into a desire to prove them wrong. 

45. First or third person?

Third. 

46. Past or present tense?

Past. 

47. Single or dual/multi POV?

Depends on the needs of the plot. 

48. Do you prefer to write skimpy drafts and flesh them out later, or write too much and cut it back?

the first is what I do. The second is what I’d like to do. 

49. Favorite fictional world?

A Galaxy Far, Far away. (Then Middle Earth). 

50. Do you share your rough drafts or do you wait until everything is all polished?

depends on the fic. I like to show things to @brydylcai, but only in the fandom’s she’s in. I have been known to invite friends into docs as I’m writing, so...

51. Are you a secretive writer or do you talk with your friends about your books?

I’m more open than I used to be about fanfic. I’m less talkative about my original works. 

52. Who do you write for?

She knows who. 

53. What is the first line of your WIP?

Of this chapter: “Brig was already aboard the boat when Gimli and Legolas arrived, attending the rigging for the simple sail and making ready to depart.”

54. Favorite first line/opening you’ve written?

my book begins with a ghost hunt. that’s fun?

55. How do you manage your time/make time for writing? (do you set aside time to write every day or do you only write when you have a lot of free time?)

I try to set aside time while not working, but i also tend to write in whatever little moments I have. Between classes, standing in line, etc. 

[wevlogcollective]

VEDAugust 2017 Topics Calendar

For those of you (like me) who like to plan and film ahead, here are the topics for this month! I tried to include as many suggestions you all gave in the sign-up/brainstorming doc as I could. If you don’t like a certain topic, or you have regular content you need to publish during VEDA, no hard feelings. You are welcome to skip and do a topic of your own choosing!

Love your faces!

- E

August 1: Intro day & recommend a fave creator

Tell us about yourself, what’s new in your life since last time, if you’re a newbie what should we know about you/your channel?, tell us about some of your other favorite creators online.

August 2: Top 5 Goals

What do you want to do this month? In life? For your channel? For VEDA? For your favorite hobby? For eating?

August 3: It’s Esther Day!

It’s a day dedicated to showing non-romantic love to the people around you. How do you like to be shown love or how do you like to show others you love them?

August 4: Weekly Wrap-Up!

This topic is slightly selfish because I do booktube but… I know some of us who have YouTube channels that regularly give wrap ups of what they’re reading/watching/ writing/cooking/crafting/etc. You can pick whatever you like to wrap up! Maybe just what you did this week. (Could be a fun opportunity for a “week in the life” video) Or what your favorite videos were for VEDA. Whatever you want!

August 5: What scares you?

August 6: My Life- Show us your home/vlogging space.

August 7: Firsts- Your first childhood home.

August 8: Hypothetical- If I could live in any fictional universe…

August 9: Top 5 Ways You Like to be Creative

August 10: Making a Difference - Tell us about your favorite charity or something you’re passionate about. (Please note: with WVC we pride ourselves on being open and accepting of ALL people in ALL walks of life to make this a safe community for everyone to be themselves. We try to keep our topics light hearted and open-ended but do get serious sometimes. If someone is passionate about a topic or charity you don’t agree with, that’s okay! But we can still be polite and supportive even when we don’t agree.)

August 11: Weekly Wrap-Up

August 12: Vlog in your PJs! Bonus points for breakfast!

This is an old classic topic we used to have for WeBlogWeVlog and it’s kind of one of my favorites so… there we go.

August 13: My Life -Tell/Show us important people and animals in your day-to-day life.

August 14: Firsts- Your first road trip/vacation.

August 15: Hypothetical- Would you rather lose your sense of touch or sense of hearing?

August 16: Top Five go-to recipes and drinks. (Bonus points for showing us how to make them!)

August 17: Making a Difference-  How do you prevent emotional burnout/finding your happy place? Sometimes when we talk politics/tough issues/volunteer a lot/think about the state of the country or world - it gets overwhelming. What do you do when you need a break from it all?

August 18: Weekly Wrap-Up

August 19: Music or Talent Day

Traditionally, this would be our “lip-sync” day. But you can do anything related to music you want! Or, you can show us a unique talent you have!

August 20: My Life- My Favorite Place

Show/Tell us about your favorite place in your neighborhood/outside of the house.

August 21: Firsts- First Day of School!

Depending on where you live, it’s roughly around the time when the school year is starting up again. I thought we could have fun with this topic! What was your first day of school when you were a little kid like? Or maybe you transferred to a new school and have a great story to go along with it. Or the day you moved into the dorms for the first time. Or what you think it would be like if you went back to school now. Have fun with it!

August 22: Hypothetical- Would you rather know when you’ll die, or how you’ll die?

August 23: Top 5 Childhood Songs

August 24: Making a Difference- What is something you did for someone else this week? Or what are you planning to do?

August 25: Weekly Wrap-Up

August 26: Collab Day!

Make a video with someone else! It can be someone you know, someone you live with, a friend, a pet, or even fellow VEDAers! I put this topic at the end of the month in case any VEDA people want to get together and make a video so you all have time to plan. Be creative!

August 27: My Life- How do you spend your day(s) off?

How do you like to relax? Who do you spend time with? This is one of those topics which could be fun to do a “day in the life” type of video as well!

August 28: Your first recital/performance.

Did you ever have to do a performance as a little kid and have a story to go along with it? Or maybe you never performed or stood on stage until you were older? Maybe you still have the video footage? Or perhaps your kids have a funny story?

August 29: Hypothetical - if I were running VEDA I’d…

What would you like to see in VEDA next year? What ideas do you have for the WVC?

August 30: Silly/Blooper Day!

Traditionally, this is the day we all put together our bloopers from the month. But you can do anything silly/funny too!

August 31: Sign off!

It’s time to say goodbye to another VEDA. How do you think you did? What did you like? Any parting thoughts?

[artofpeacelove]

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

As states across the country issue stay-at-home orders to limit the spread of COVID-19, an increasing number of people are working from home, or they’ve lost their jobs and are navigating unemployment and hoping for the best. While this is all happening, countless memes and tweets joke about how people are perpetually watching Netflix or stress baking sourdough bread. One particularly contentious tweet asserted that people need to capitalize on all the “extra” free time:

If you don’t come out of this quarantine with either:

1.) a new skill 2.) starting what you’ve been putting off like a new business 3.) more knowledge

You didn’t ever lack the time, you lacked the discipline

— Jeremy Haynes (@TheJeremyHaynes) April 2, 2020

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

The idea within the tweet—that we should use our time at home to be as productive as possible—isn’t a new one. But it has become more widespread and controversial during the COVID-19 pandemic, when some people may have more perceived free time, but are also feeling more stressed and anxious. The tweet “sums up all that is wrong about our hustle, work harder, be more culture,” says Lee Chambers, an environmental psychologist based in the United Kingdom. “It doesn’t take into account that many people will be in situations so challenging that purposely acquiring a new skill or business is not a priority right now,” he says.

Ericka Quezada-York, a certified nurse-midwife who works for a hospital-based OB/GYN practice in the Bronx in New York City, says that even though she sees a lot of her patients through telemedicine chats now, reducing some pre-appointment interaction time, she is spending even more time at work—so even her “normal” free time has become even more limited. “Because I spend so much time reviewing my charts to see who needs to come in face-to-face and who can be seen remotely, I estimate I spend an extra 60 to 90 minutes daily at work compared to before the pandemic,” she says. “On top of that, I spend a lot of time treating my patients for their pandemic anxiety [on top of everything else], and it takes me longer to take the [subway] between work and home because of transit reductions.”

Even if you do find yourself with new pockets of time, other emotional factors may be otherwise clouding your energy, precluding you from nimble productivity we glorify in more normal times. Take Erica Harvey, a bar owner in Las Vegas, who says she had to lay off 47 employees. After she closed her business, she made a list of everything she wanted to accomplish during the month she plans to have “off,” but she feels an overwhelming amount of guilt and depression from laying off her employees. “It’s all I can do to get out of bed,” she says. “I can’t even watch new shows or movies. I just keep watching old movies I’ve seen multiple times because my brain can’t process anything new.”

Even people who are safely working from home have had trouble adjusting to their new normal. Noel Liotta, who works in sales and marketing in Raleigh, North Carolina, says she’s working harder than ever because her company had to lay off employees for the first time in its 18-year history. “I’m just trying to keep some pulse on what normal is,” she says. At the start of the pandemic, she pulled out her guitar and keyboard, but she hasn’t touched either in almost two weeks. “I’m childless, I’ve still got a job, but I’m not doing anything extra or anything out of the ordinary except for a new Saturday night game night with friends via Zoom.”

Free time is a luxury, especially during a pandemic, when parents are trying to become teachers at home, health-care professionals and other essential employees can’t stop working, and those being laid off or reduced in hours are desperately trying to make ends meet.

Prioritizing productivity can lead to burnout, but it also changes the concept of “free time.” “When we are in this productivity mind-set, the concept of free time just doesn’t exist,” says Ander Camino, a therapist with Alma, a community for mental health professionals. Not only that, but when most people get off work, if they still have jobs, they might check in with family members and friends via phone, take care of their children, and meet their own basic needs. “We can easily fall into the mistake of perceiving [any free time] as an opportunity to invest and do more.”

But “more,” for many people, isn’t possible right now. Free time is a luxury, especially during a pandemic, when parents are trying to become teachers at home, health-care professionals and other essential employees can’t stop working, and those being laid off or reduced in hours are desperately trying to make ends meet.

Kelly Small is one of those parents, along with their wife. [Edit note: Small uses they/them pronouns.] A creative director living in Toronto, Small has struggled with the demands of homeschooling their 7-year-old child. “We both work full time from home,” Small says. “It’s chaos to try to manage kids and clients all at once.” Any semblance of “free time” has nearly vanished. 

Quezada-York says it’s much harder for her to find free time than it was before the pandemic. Her wife, who is a stay-at-home parent, is now supervising their 9-year-old child’s remote learning program. Their three year old also just started speech therapy and physical therapy—the latter moving forward over video chat. “Our whole schedule of doing chores and all those little household-running things is way off,” she says. Pre-pandemic, she used to enjoy reading during her commute, but she thinks that wearing a mask 11 hours a day makes it hard for her to focus. Even at home, she says doing anything other than resting is difficult. “Once I’ve finished all my work-work and my household work for the day, maybe [before the pandemic] I would have watched some TV or done some reading or played a game, but now I just want to sleep,” she says.

That makes sense, Chambers says, because for most people, now is not the time to take on more. He says people need to prioritize their own well-being, and if they have free time, consider helping those who don’t. “Everyone has their own challenges in this period, and those with more free time should be looking to support the most vulnerable and the overburdened, not being individualistic and having tunnel vision, missing what they could be doing for their communities,” he says. “It is the time to be more for each other, to do what we can to support ourselves and others through the challenges we face.”

from Good Advice – Well+Good https://ift.tt/2xQ5loq via IFTTT

[bigyack-com]

The Pandemic Work Diary of a Video-Streaming C.E.O.

Anjali Sud has never been busier. As the chief executive of Vimeo — a video-streaming platform with 175 million registered users — Ms. Sud is dealing with swelling traffic as the world, sheltering in place, looks for virtual connections.“We woke up a few weeks ago to unprecedented demand,” she said. “We’re seeing increased usage across our products of two times, five times, 10 times.”Ms. Sud, 36, a former investment banker and marketing director, became the platform’s chief in 2017 and changed the nature of the business — making it less of an entertainment streaming service that competed with the likes of Netflix, and more of a hub for content creators. Vimeo generated nearly $200 million in revenue last year, mostly from subscriber fees. It’s owned by IAC, which also operates Match, Tinder, Care.com and the Daily Beast.Ms. Sud said that churches, nonprofits and fitness instructors have all expanded their use of Vimeo’s tools, and that the platform has also seen a spike in content as varied as programs for children and the live-streaming of funerals.Though she is usually based in New York City, Ms. Sud is now staying with her parents in Michigan while caring for her infant son and managing the company’s more than 600 employees.“I live in a world of perpetual trade-offs,” she said. “I can no longer operate at 100 percent capacity like I’m used to as a C.E.O., as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a colleague. I think what I’m learning is that every day, I have to pick the things to let go, and I have to know I’m going to drop some balls, and that’s OK.”

Monday

7:30 a.m. Wake up to cries on the baby monitor. My 18-month-old son, Saavan, is ready for a new day. We have our ritual of diaper change, oatmeal with blueberries and a Sesame Street dance-off. (I’m Abby, he’s Elmo.) I FaceTime with my little sister, who just had a baby in Singapore.8:30 a.m. Chai with my mom before she goes to work. I’m sheltering in Flint, Mich., my hometown. A silver lining of this crisis is getting to spend time with my parents, who both work in health care. My mom oversees a hospital internal medicine residency program, and her residents are on the front line. She tells me that they are both brave and afraid.9 a.m. Zoom call with our chief operating officer and head of human resources. We discuss our new “Vimeo Virtual” series to help employees stay connected through Slack challenges, lunch-and-learns, round tables and online games. This week’s challenge is #socialDISHtancing and everyone posts pics of what they’re eating. I learn we have an increasing number of employees who have lost family members to coronavirus. We decide to start a charitable donation program for anyone going through bereavement.11:55 a.m. Pass Saavan to my husband, Matt. He also works demanding hours, so we’ve been alternating coverage. It’s hectic but we’re also discovering hidden strengths — he makes a mean hot dog, and I’m not bad with brownies out of the box.12 p.m. Our chief marketing officer tells me about a grant program for Vimeo filmmakers to produce videos telling the human stories behind small businesses that have been affected by the pandemic. Everyone from award-winning animators to Oscar-nominated directors have made submissions on entrepreneurs that have inspired them, from an iconic comic book shop in Brooklyn to a flower shop in Budapest to an African contemporary dance company in Minnesota.2 p.m. Review our P&L and latest business outlook. Small businesses, churches, gyms, freelancers, conferences — everyone is using video to stay connected. We decide to increase investment in customer support and technical infrastructure. We also discuss how to weather the economic downturn, and steps we can take to protect employees and prevent layoffs, like slowing hiring and reducing marketing spend. 4 p.m. Weekly call with the chief executives of our parent company, IAC. We go around the virtual room and share how our people and businesses are doing. We talk about team morale and productivity, and what resumption could look like when the time comes — from increased remote work to office layouts and capacity.6 p.m. I take my daily walk around the neighborhood I grew up in. It’s a precious window of me time.9 p.m. I check our WFH Slack channel to see what’s trending, and find this welcome distraction: The Lonely Show. It’s cool to see my colleagues using their creativity to spark laughter in such tense times.

Tuesday

3:40 a.m. Saavan is wailing. Turns out he just dropped his pacifier and wants it back. Crisis averted.6 a.m. Coffee + Bob Dylan playlist + catch up on email. The sun rises and I spot a deer in our backyard. This time last year I was in Tel Aviv, about to acquire an Israeli video start-up. I miss jumping on planes, crowded bars and sushi delivery.10 a.m. Weekly executive meeting. Easter was our biggest live-streaming weekend ever, with 75 times the volume we typically see. Many of our teams are working around the clock to manage the scale, and I worry about burnout. We’ve bulked up our mental health programs with counseling services and workshops. I’m pleased to see employees taking advantage, but I know more people are struggling. I look at my own team on the screen and the little faces popping in and out. My reports are all working parents, and half don’t have child care right now. I decide to send them care packages.12 p.m. FaceTime my nanny, who is with her sister in Brooklyn. She’s worried we don’t have enough toys in Flint, and I add a Fisher Price vacuum cleaner to my Amazon cart.2 p.m. Quick catch-up with the team behind Vimeo Create, our new video-making app. We just launched 100 new social media templates to help businesses stay connected to their customers during the pandemic. Today we look at themes for remote work tips, contactless delivery, donations, at-home fitness and online learning.7 p.m. It’s taco night. Like many, I find myself drawn to comfort food and nostalgia. We drink gin, watch “Law & Order” reruns and play board games. I’m wearing my mom’s velour pajamas and feel like a teenager again. It’s kinda nice.

Wednesday

6:30 a.m. Chai with my dad. He’s a surgeon and entrepreneur, and the person who originally inspired me to get into business. He’s also an aspiring poet, and he reads me something he wrote to capture his feelings about the virus.11 a.m. Meeting with IAC to review funding for the rest of the year. We are growing quickly but are not yet profitable. We’re fortunate that our owners have strong cash reserves and a long-term investment horizon. We discuss a couple different scenarios for how things could play out. It strikes me that precision is impossible right now, and that as an organization our most important strength will be our agility.12 p.m. I tune in a few minutes late to our monthly “staff picks” screening. Over 70 percent of our filmmakers say that being recognized has helped them receive paid future work. Today was our first fully remote screening, and each filmmaker did an intro video from their home. My favorites were a sci-fi film about gender identity, an animated project about food, and a documentary about Betye Saar.3 p.m. Review engineering plan to scale our infrastructure. We’re already delivering over 2 terabits per second of streaming video — that’s more than 60 DVDs’ worth. But every hour more people are moving their businesses entirely online, so we’ve got to prepare for more.4 p.m. Check in on my girlfriends via text. We’ve been attempting the weekend virtual hangout with varying degrees of success. A few of my friends are working in critical response roles — one is on Boris Johnson’s Covid-19 response communication team in London, and another is at the Hospital for Special Surgery.6 p.m. Feed Saavan dinner, which ends with strawberry yogurt smeared all over his hair and mine. Bath time.

Thursday

9:30 a.m. Vimeo Global Town Hall. This is the most important part of my job right now: to be a visible, reassuring presence, and to be both optimistic and real. Today the message I open with is: Hang in there. We’ll get through this together. I update the company on what’s working and what isn’t, and we spend most of the time on anonymous Q. and A. Not surprisingly, the top questions are on mental health resources and office reopening.11 a.m. Matt tells me that Saavan has just said new words: “cookie” and “more.” The first I interpret as a sign of good taste.1 p.m. Virtual lunch with some new hires. Even as we’ve scaled, I like to get to know each person who joins us.2 p.m. I attend a closed-door C.E.O. round table with 14 leaders across the retail, tech, health and nonprofit sectors. It’s hosted by one of the top women in business, whom I’d never met before. She talks about her experience leading through crises over the decades, and it dawns on me that I’m in the midst of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I’ve been so caught up in the day-to-day that it’s been easy to only look out as far as the next quarter or year. But in many ways, this experience will test and shape my instincts, character and values for the rest of my career.5 p.m. Weekly happy hour with the leadership team. It’s BYOB of course, from negronis to merlot. Governor Cuomo has just extended New York’s shutdown to May 15. The drinks are stronger than usual.8 p.m. I get sucked into the McMillion$ docuseries. Fascinating. Yet, I’m eager for the day when streaming shows isn’t the only thing to do on a Thursday night.Interviews are conducted by email, text and phone, then condensed and edited. Read the full article

[lindelwamamba]

The Ideal Community in theory- but NOT Kwa-Dabeka

In the year 2000, the United Nations Millennium Declaration was signed, whereby world leaders committed to actively participate in the quest to end poverty, hunger, disease, illiteracy, environmental degradation, and discrimination against women ("WHO | Millennium Development Goals (MDGs)", 2018)  . This was followed by the introduction of global goals or (Sustainable Development Goals), commonly known as SDG’s which are a universal are call to action to end poverty, protect the planet and ensure that all people enjoy peace and prosperity ("Sustainable Development Goals", 2018). Obviously a question arises for me here, why the need for such measures and implementation of such declarations? Well for me I believe this is what defines the ideal community, it represents a possibility whereby people of different backgrounds irrespective of gender, ethnicity, age can actually have an equal chance of having success. Both SDG and MDG goals are a true reflection of factors that would promote the ability of a community to flourish. Now if you are asking yourself about what are these goals consist of, the articles to this pages will be referenced at the end to provide context. Tim Cotter a psychologist who focuses in embedding sustainability in culture has a list of factors he believes that they make a community to flourish, he lists them as follows :

a)      Internal Factors

-Sustainability (Pro-environmental behaviors)

-Active responsibility or participation in the implementation of pro environmental behaviors

-Perceived control for sustainability behaviors

-Support (social norms and cultural standards)

-Knowledge for sustainability behaviors

b)      External Factors

-Community leadership

-Incentives

-Policies and Regulations

-Facilities and Infrastructure

-Transport infrastructure

-Waste management services

-Green spaces

Let me introduce you to Kwadabeka, a suburb of New Germany which falls under the district of eThekwini in the province of KwaZulu-Natal( Handover Block 2, 2018) it has no resemblance to the glorified picture of factors that are meant to make a community flourish mentioned above. Honestly even the goals of SGDs and MDGs from the UN have been poorly implemented in this community. My firsthand experience or exposure to this community was quite an interesting one, obviously because this type of settlement is different from my experience. Not in the sense that I come from a privileged background, but this community is an urban informal township with old four-room state housing, informal settlements and hostel establishments which is different from rural area. The community of Kwadabeka is also known for having the largest hostel complex in the Southern Hemisphere, the hostel was developed first then followed by bonded houses later in the 1980s [EThekwini Municipality, 2008]. KwaZulu-Natal (KZN) bears a substantial part of the national burden of poverty. The District Health Barometer (HST, 2010) reports 63% to 82% of households live on less than R800 per month, which the reality of most inhabitants of this township. This already highlights a gap in the factors that are supposed to make Kwadabeka flourish as a community and its ability to achieve the status of complete community wellbeing. Community wellbeing is described as the ability of a community to have presence of social, economic, environmental, cultural, and political conditions as identified by its member’s essential for them fulfil their potential (Wiseman & Brasher, 2008) . Without doubt one of the first impressions one might draw, with just a superficial view of Kwadabeka, poverty seems to be the most prevalent issues evidenced by high density housing, over population and the type of housing that is seen. This represents that, when compared to the goals of MDGs and SDGs Kwadabeka community has been unable to move forward for poverty alienation, and zero hunger which are important physical and social determinants of health.  Poverty in the community has contributed to social issues like crime, and this is also influenced by the high rates of substance abuse amongst teenagers in the community.

The community of Kwadabeka is also disadvantaged in terms of its ability to flourish as a community due to issues like access to clean water and sanitation, decent work and accommodation, sustainable city and communities and quality education. The township of Kwadabeka is currently experiencing a phenomenon referred to as urban decay, where we saw disrepair and decrepitude of the township and the poor state or condition of the infrastructure in this township. During our visit to schools what was also evident was poor infrastructure and overpopulation in classes. In their report, the previous block of students highlighted that this cause concern as teachers experience burnout and also have difficulty managing these classes, which affects the quality of education provided in these township schools. In can be argued that even though parents may be willing to provide better education for their children, due to their limited finances it is difficult.  

One of the incidents of the growth of the community is the social selection and segregation of the population, and the creation, on the one hand, of natural social groups, and on the other, of natural social areas. Clear distinction exists between Westville, a suburb located near Kwadabeka, highlighting words by van Kempen (1994), who states that individuals of the same race, or same vocation live together in set apart groups, and class interests. In South Africa the institutionalization of repression and discrimination under apartheid may also have begun to promote the location of certain ethnic groups to specific locations(Lewis, 1967) as we observed the contrasting environmental contexts of Westville and Kwadabeka.

Upon reviewing the factors that are currently listed or should be evident within a community setting that is flourishing, the community of Kwadabeka does not resemble that picture due to its many problem which also include poor service delivery from its own government. When doing our community assessment the people highlighted that they feel frustrated with the government they voted for, however due to their past trauma with regards to the apartheid era they would not change their party, but just have to accept their fate. Lewis(1967) explains that he found very little revolutionary spirit or radical ideology among low-income populations and most families were politically conservative. This could be the reason why the community presents an identity or being apathetic.

In just spending a week at this community, one wonders if their community can ever reach its full potential with regards to the present circumstance and whether the community will fully benefit from the goals of sustainable development. We can only hope that this change is implemented in our lifetime and we can testify of this township’s history.

It’s so nice to be back to the experience of blogging. See you in the next post. It gets better.

REFERENCES

Lewis, G. (1967). Culture of Poverty or Poverty of Culture?. Monthly Review, 19(4), 44. doi: 10.14452/mr-019-04-1967-08_7

Wiseman, J., & Brasher, K. (2008). Community Wellbeing in an Unwell World: Trends, Challenges, and Possibilities. Journal of Public Health Policy, 29(3), 353-366. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/40207196

van Kempen, E. (1994). The Dual City and the Poor: Social Polarisation, Social Segregation and Life Chances. SPECIAL ISSUE: EUROPEAN HOUSING IN THE WIDER CONTEXT, 31(7), 995-1015. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/43196163

WHO | Millennium Development Goals (MDGs). (2018). Retrieved from http://www.who.int/topics/millennium_development_goals/about/en/

Sustainable Development Goals. (2018). Retrieved from http://www.undp.org/content/undp/en/home/sustainable-development-goals.html

Kznhealth.gov.za. (2018). Available at: http://www.kznhealth.gov.za/family/MCWH/KZN-IMAM-Guidelines.pdf [Accessed 18 Jan. 2018].

Ethekwini Municipality (2010) ‘KwaDabeka Clermont Urban Renewal Programme Report’

[jamesgeiiger]

Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year

Although 2018 ended on a down note with the stock market selling off, I feel good about how things unfolded. I’ll take the ratio of three good quarters to one bad quarter any year.

Believe it or not, my theme for 2018 was: back to early retirement life. I pushed myself to the point of burnout in 2017. But the funny thing about hard work is that it’s over. I only remember bits and pieces of how difficult 2017 was.

At year-end, it’s easy to forget our accomplishments and our failures. With this post, I’m excited to relive the good and the bad in the following categories: Finances, Family, Health, Business, and Odds & Ends.

This post is like a 4-for-1 special. It needs to be thorough so I can prove to my son his old man wasn’t a deadbeat when he inevitably starts rebelling or when I’m no longer here to defend myself. 

2018 Year In Review

Finances – 2.5 Out Of 5 Stars

At the beginning of the year, I predicted we’d see a slowdown in coastal city real estate, a 10-year bond yield under 3%, and a stock market that would have one last hurrah with a 10% return. I was almost three for three with the stock market up ~8% in September. Too bad it gave up all its gains and then a whole lot! At least I got more defensive starting in March.

My net worth is roughly made up of:

30% in stocks/bonds = -3%. After writing Your Risk Tolerance Is An Illusion in the Spring, I reduced my stock allocation in my House Sale Fund to roughly 52% from 70%. As bonds began to outperform stocks coupled with further profit taking, my end allocation is roughly 40% stocks / 60% bonds. Owning a bunch of equity structured notes in my other main fund has helped minimize volatility. But clearly I wasn’t defensive enough and should have taken more profits during the summer.

My House Sale Fund portfolio was up around 13% at one point until I gave all the gains up in the 4th quarter. Right now, it’s holding onto a tenuous 5.4% gain, after the huge rally on Dec 26. Overall, my public investment portfolio is slightly down, which violates my rule of never losing money post retirement. I plan to update this performance daily due to the volatility.

I’m disappointed with my public investment performance. This goes to show that no matter how concerned you are about an asset class or the economy, greed can override logic.

Here’s a good chart that shows how the Vanguard Long-Term Bond Fund has outperformed the S&P 500 since 1999. The next time I start feeling greedy, I need to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race, especially if you’ve already passed the finish line.

6% in cash/CDs = +2.3%. Thanks to rising short-term rates, you can now get around 2% in a money market and 2.5% in a 12-month CD. It’s wonderful to earn something from our risk-free investments now. Cash and short-term CDs have been 10%+ outperformers against the S&P 500. Hopefully, folks will no longer badger me about the risks of underperforming inflation when the real risk is losing absolute dollar value. Unfortunately, I should have had closer to 15% of my net worth in cash and CDs.

30% in real estate = -5%. The online estimates say my real estate holdings have gone up ~6% YoY, but I doubt it now that the stock market has sold off so aggressively from the peak. Online price estimates and public data are always lagging estimates. Prices did continue to go up until about January 2018, but began falling for the remainder of the year. The chart below shows data months before the 4Q2018 stock market correction. Therefore, I’ve manually inputted -5% from +6% for a 11% swing.

Even though my real estate holdings are down, I thankfully feel no stress compared to my stock holdings, which is one of the reasons why I prefer real estate over stocks. One rental property has no mortgage since 2015, my primary residence is providing utility every day by sheltering my family, and my vacation property is generating a positive cash flow. I can’t wait to bring my boy up to Lake Tahoe to touch his first snow in March!

It’s unfortunate that I reinvested $600,000 of the $1,800,000 proceeds from my house sale into the stock market. I should have just stayed super conservative. But I suspect the best I could get now for the house is $2,600,000 today versus the $2,740,000 sale price in 2017. My house was on a busy street next to the busiest street in all of San Francisco. Fringe location properties, even in a good neighborhood, tend to underperform during a market softening.

8% in alternative investments = +5%. My alternative investments in venture debt and real estate crowdfunding seem to be doing well, to the tune of a 11% – 20% IRR. But these figures are probably too aggressive as well, so I’ve assigned a +5% performance instead. REITs and rental property have outperformed all year as rents are stickier than stocks. I remember back in 2009, my rents stayed flat because by the time the lease was over a year later, the recession was over.

25% in my online business = 0% – 150%. My business is the trickiest to value. Revenue and profits are up 20%+ YoY. Therefore, one might conclude that its value should also be up by 20%+. However, valuations have probably compressed since the stock market sell-off. The good thing is that a peer site with about 35% less traffic sold for 2X the value I assigned for my business in my net worth calculations. Therefore, there’s a possibility my site could be worth 2X – 2.5X my assigned value if we normalize for traffic.

From an estate planning perspective, I want my business to be valued as low as possible. It’s the same way you want your house to be valued as low as possible to pay less property tax. To prepare for hard times, I’ve kept my business at 0% growth in my net worth calculation.

Net Worth Growth

Here’s my 2018 net worth progression chart according to Personal Capital. The chart is a little chunky because of cash recognition delays. But overall, it was doing pretty well until the end of the year.

2018 Net Worth = +6.5%

The main reasons why my net worth is up ~6.5% in 2018 are business cash flow and aggressive savings. I continue to save over 70% of my after-tax income. If I didn’t aggressively save, my net worth would have been flat. As my net worth has grown, it’s harder to move the needle as much.

6.5% is OK, but at one point I was up ~11%. Hence, it feels a little disappointing. 10% YoY growth has always been my minimum net worth growth target since graduating from college. Despite the disappointment, I’m glad my net worth didn’t go in reverse.

If you’re feeling bummed out, it helps to look at how far your net worth has come over the past five or 10 years. When I left work in 2012, I was comfortable with what I had. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have left. Having another six years of growth, excluding 2018, has really been a blessing post early retirement.

The key is to not lose all your gains to a bear market.

Related: Recommended Net Worth Allocation By Age Or Work Experience

Family & Fatherhood – 4.7 Stars

I could not have tried harder to be a great stay at home dad. I only have one shot, so I did everything to educate myself about parenthood. I also spent as much time as possible with my son as a stay at home dad.

My greatest moments of joy all year came from seeing my son’s milestones. He started waddling with help at around 11 months and slowly started to walk unassisted at 12 – 13 months. By 18 months he was able to count to 30, say all letters of the alphabet, and identify eight different colors.

His favorite words and phrases at 20 months old are “hot dog, ketchup, yum, yum, yum” “double wide garage door,” “walk with daddy,” “knock knock,” “verde,” “voila,” and “da hai bao (big seal in Mandarin).” He’s also just begun to sing a couple lullabies, one in Japanese and one in French. We try to talk to him in multiple languages as supposedly that helps brain development. He’s hilarious and full of determination. Oh boy is he determined.

When I’m not working on Financial Samurai or managing our investments, I pretend I’m a pre-school teacher and occupational therapist. Because he has a vision issue, I’ve been helping him track objects, work on his depth perception, and hand-eye coordination. So far he can walk up stairs no problem, but he still needs assistance going down stairs.

Now we’re focusing more on his fine motor skills, like drawing, holding a pencil, brushing his teeth, playing piano keys, and using scissors. The duties are never-ending, but it’s been a blessing to care for him every day and watch him grow.

He is a determined boy

My greatest sorrows have also all come from my son. Between 11 – 15 months old he would fall frequently or accidentally bonk his head on something hard or sharp. I felt his pain each time and admonished myself for not doing a better job protecting him.

As a result of his accidents, I ended up padding everywhere around the house and padding every wall and table corner. Interior design be damned! Thank goodness we live in a modest size house. The padding has saved him from injury numerous times, including on Christmas, when he stumbled on a package and hit his head on our coffee leg corner which was padded, hooray!

It turns out that toddlers between 12 – 19 months fall about 17X an hour on average according to one study of 120 toddlers. Only until about age 4 do most toddlers fully master their walking and running skills. That made me feel a little better, but it still made me so sad whenever he hurt himself. Taking him for a walk with a harness has helped tremendously. I’m teaching him to look both ways before crossing the street.

It’s also interesting it takes up to 24 months before a toddler’s fontanel closes. Therefore, we as parents might as well be as diligent as possible in trying to protect his head before his skull gets to full strength. So much about parenthood the first several years is about survival – from preventing suffocation while sleeping to making sure they don’t walk off a ledge.

The better our boy sleeps and the more he is able to communicate his desires, the more rewarding parenthood has become. Because he is so strong-willed, his temper tantrums are also quite a challenge.

One of my concerns is that he will hurt himself during these temper tantrums by banging his head on something hard or arching his back and hurting himself on the floor. Doctors say temper tantrums peak by around 24 months, subside, and then rise again at around 36 months. Here’s where I need to demonstrate maximum patience as a parent for the next 18 months.

Before my son was born, there was never any whining or crying around the house. But once he arrived, I have heard crying and whining every day, multiple times a day for 20 months in a row. Unfortunately, there is no logical reasoning with a young boy, except to use a technique called “caveman speak” while voicing what we think he wants to calm him down. Adjusting to this new scenario has been hard.

It’s also difficult to write, record a podcast, or mentally relax when there is so much noise. Being able to more easily find a quiet space is one of the benefits of upgrading to a larger house. As a result of needing to find quiet time, I often had to wake up between 4am – 5am to get things done. But I’m proud to say I’ve never lost my temper around my boy.

I’ve still got to improve my patience with my wife and not let business stress or stock market stress hurt our relationship. We operate at different paces, and I need to do a better job slowing down. The whole point of financial independence is to be free from money stress to live your best life.

Given my wife is a full-time mom and absolutely does more of the caregiving, the pressure is on me to make sure our finances never go in reverse. As the stock market melted down in 4Q2018, my stress level definitely increased.

Our goal is to both stay full-time parents for at least our son’s first two years of life and ideally try to be full-time parents for five years before he attends kindergarten. Fatherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Related: How To Survive The Pressures Of Being A Sole Income Providing Parent

Health & Fitness – 3.2 Stars

I’m the same weight as I was in 2017, which is OK. But I gained 5 lbs in 2017, which was not OK. I need to get down to 162 lbs from 170 lbs. At least I exercised 3X a week on average plus took light walks with my son 5X a week on average. Given my goal is to live until 75, or whenever my son can establish himself and find a life partner, it’s important for me to stay in mental and physical shape.

Luckily, I’ve had no serious injuries or medical mishaps this year. I did catch some flu-like virus that knocked me out for 1.5 days in October, but that was it. We did have our first emergency room visit for my son at 5am because he seemed to have come down with a similar virus I had a month later. We also went to an after-hour care facility for some inflammation. Luckily, things got better after 24 hours.

At 41, I still haven’t sprouted any grey hairs, which is a surprise since I first got several grey hairs at 33, the year before I left my day job. The only reason I can imagine for this phenomenon is that not working a full-time job is less stressful. It’s one thing to say how much better life is after achieving financial independence. It’s another thing for the body to show us.

My most fun physical addition has been joining a softball meetup group that plays every Saturday it doesn’t rain. I must have played over 30 games in 2018. Ah, now I remember sustaining a left knee bone contusion that hurt for six months. My personal highlight was drafting and captaining a 4th of July softball tournament and winning. Curiously, it was one of my most satisfying life moments!

Finally, I found out in December I wasn’t getting bumped down to 4.5 in USTA tennis from 5.0. I did poorly in 5.0 league at the beginning of the year and was hoping to get bumped down after three seasons. When I didn’t, I appealed and got denied.

5.0 level tennis is brutally tough. From an ego perspective, it does feel good to be in the top 1% of all tennis levels. Other players give you respect as you puff out your chest and start thinking you’re the shiznits. But after you start repeatedly getting beaten by players younger than you, it starts to get demoralizing! Therefore, I always try to make fun of myself to others by saying the computers must have malfunctioned to keep me at 5.0.

Business – 4.8 Stars

I could not have tried harder to build Financial Samurai either. Here are some of the accomplishments:

Published three posts a week on average

Published three pages a week on average

Published one newsletter a week on average

Improved my short-form writing skills with the newsletter

Produced over 40 podcasts

Did several podcast interviews on other platforms

Launched the Financial Samurai Forum with 1,300 members thanks to my wife who set everything up over a year

Got mentioned in Business Insider, CNBC, MarketWatch, MSN, Apple News, Forbes, and Yahoo

Updated How To Engineer Your Layoff with a new forward for 2019

Increased overall traffic by 20% YoY, with 50% YoY traffic growth between August 11 – December 27

The 50% YoY traffic surge since August 11 seems like an anomaly. It’s like suddenly turning into a speedboat after being a cruise ship. But traffic has been elevated for almost four months so far, with December being the highest traffic all year. For years, December has always been a quiet month due to the holidays. Perhaps the traffic increase is due to a combination of more production, search algorithm changes by Google, and content syndication.

Overall, I’m just really happy there’s been a correlation with effort and reward. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, hence part of the reason why I left work in 2012. Every year since the birth of Financial Samurai in 2009, Financial Samurai has drastically outperformed the S&P 500 and the San Francisco real estate market. As a result, blogging has surpassed real estate as my favorite asset class to build wealth.

For poops and giggles, here’s another net worth chart if I manually input a business value based on recent comparable sales. The 30% spike is nice, but is also dangerous because it brings a false sense of complacency. It’s best to stay motivated as the economy softens. Just know that creating next level wealth is all about owning growth equity over the long term.

Net worth including market value of business = +30% YoY

Life’s Odds & Ends – 4 Stars

In May, I helped coach my high school boys varsity tennis team to the Northern California Sectional championship. This was the first championship in the school’s entire 40+ year history. This victory was particularly sweet because we had come so close my first year in 2017 only to lose in the finals to a school 3X our size. This was another incredible life moment that had nothing to do with money. I only got paid $3,500 for 3.5 months of work. The relationships I developed with some of the parents were a nice bonus.

My dad came to visit three times and my mom twice. My mother-in-law also visited twice and my father-in-law once. It is always great to see them, and I hope they continue to visit us more often. My dream has always been to have three generations spend as much time together as possible. Unfortunately or fortunately, all our grandparents want to remain independent and live in their respective cities. It’s hard to change the older you get, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to move to Hawaii.

I further strengthened a couple friendships. This is huge because as a stay-at-home dad, it’s often hard to make new friends or deepen friendships. There are simply less social events to attend e.g. happy hour. I love having a good buddy to shoot the shit with. I also developed a new in-person relationship with an FS reader, who also so happens to also be a professional athlete on my favorite team. Pretty neat!

I did some decent home maintenance projects this year: caulked the top of our living room window sill to prevent leaks, varnished all our wood planter boxes, rooted the upstairs sink that was clogging, re-roofed the leaking light well, maintained the yard, and fixed a leaky faucet at my rental. Man, I forgot about all this stuff until my wife reminded me. Thank goodness I sold the other rental.

Finally, we finalized our will and revocable living trust. My wife also led the charge getting us through this cumbersome and complicated process. There were so many documents to gather and questions to ask the estate planning lawyer that she estimates the whole process took her about 40 hours. But after we finally signed all the documents on December 20, I felt a huge sense of relief that I could die knowing that my wife and son wouldn’t have to go through probate court.

2018: 3.8 Out Of 5 Stars

Although I didn’t decide to take it easy per my 2018 goal, I have no regrets staying consistent with Financial Samurai. I don’t think I’ll ever change my work ethic until my body starts breaking down. The joy of writing is so tangible because it is an identifiable product that can be eternally consumed.

It’s been hard to accept no longer making a positive return on my public investments after nine years of up, up, up. I’ve got to do a much better job at not letting financial loss negatively affect my mood and my relationship with my wife. Not taking unnecessary risk will help.

During downturns, I envy those in professions that have nothing to do with the stock market. For example, when I asked my estate planning lawyer about what she thought about the stock market collapse in December, she said she had no idea because she outsources all her financial planning to someone else. What a blessing.

I also have zero regrets being a stay at home dad all year. Yes, the days were long and there were many moments of frustration, but just hearing his squeals of joy made full-time fatherhood worthwhile. All I want to do is squeeze and kiss him 100X a day! I’m so thankful my wife has been an amazing mother and partner all year.

Family and Financial Samurai are my two great loves. Everything else comes in a distant second. There was a point where we thought we’d never have a child. So we say a prayer of thanks every evening. Financial Samurai has been a part of me since the bottom of the last financial crisis in 2009. It’s like an old friend that has stuck with me in the worst of times.

The key is to not let my two loves collide, but to let them be synergistic. My family gives me motivation to write, while Financial Samurai is a creative outlet that helps ensure we remain stay-at-home-parents until we decide otherwise.

There’s always a silver lining to a downturn too.

For Financial Samurai, it’s increased traffic as more people are paying attention to their finances. Book sales on how to negotiate a severance are also increasing as savvy employees are trying to get ahead of the layoff curve. Finally, our passive income has also increased due to higher interests rates and my shift towards higher yielding assets like cash, bonds, and CDs.

For family life, it’s being less tempted to go back to work because the return on effort has declined. When all is in shambles, why bother dealing with a commute, company politics, difficult clients, and a declining company stock price.

I hope if my boy one day reads this article that’ll he’ll be proud of his dad. Although 2018 wasn’t a fantastic year, it was filled with many positive milestones.

I’ll be sharing my 2019 outlook and goals next. In the meantime, I’d love to hear some of your hits and misses for 2018!

Related: The Best Financial Samurai Posts For 2018

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[samuelfields]

Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year

Although 2018 ended on a down note with the stock market selling off, I feel good about how things unfolded. I’ll take the ratio of three good quarters to one bad quarter any year.

Believe it or not, my theme for 2018 was: back to early retirement life. I pushed myself to the point of burnout in 2017. But the funny thing about hard work is that it’s over. I only remember bits and pieces of how difficult 2017 was.

At year-end, it’s easy to forget our accomplishments and our failures. With this post, I’m excited to relive the good and the bad in the following categories: Finances, Family, Health, Business, and Odds & Ends.

This post is like a 4-for-1 special. It needs to be thorough so I can prove to my son his old man wasn’t a deadbeat when he inevitably starts rebelling or when I’m no longer here to defend myself. 

2018 Year In Review

Finances – 3 Out Of 5 Stars

At the beginning of the year, I predicted we’d see a slowdown in coastal city real estate, a 10-year bond yield under 3%, and a stock market that would have one last hurrah with a 10% return. I was almost three for three with the stock market up ~8% in September. Too bad it gave up all its gains and then a whole lot! At least I got more defensive starting in March.

My net worth is roughly made up of:

30% in stocks/bonds = -2%. After writing Your Risk Tolerance Is An Illusion in the Spring, I reduced my stock allocation in my House Sale Fund to roughly 52% from 70%. As bonds began to outperform stocks coupled with further profit taking, my end allocation is roughly 40% stocks / 60% bonds. Owning a bunch of equity structured notes in my other main fund has helped minimize volatility. But clearly I wasn’t defensive enough and should have taken more profits during the summer.

My House Sale Fund portfolio was up around 13% at one point until I gave all the gains up in the 4th quarter. Right now, it’s holding onto a tenuous 5.4% gain, after the huge rally on Dec 26. Overall, my public investment portfolio is slightly down, which violates my rule of never losing money post retirement.

I’m disappointed with my public investment performance. This goes to show that no matter how concerned you are about an asset class or the economy, greed can override logic.

Here’s a good chart that shows how the Vanguard Long-Term Bond Fund has outperformed the S&P 500 since 1999. The next time I start feeling greedy, I need to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race, especially if you’ve already passed the finish line.

6% in cash/CDs = +2.3%. Thanks to rising short-term rates, you can now get around 2% in a money market and 2.5% in a 12-month CD. It’s wonderful to earn something from our risk-free investments now. Cash and short-term CDs have been 10%+ outperformers against the S&P 500. Hopefully, folks will no longer badger me about the risks of underperforming inflation when the real risk is losing absolute dollar value. Unfortunately, I should have had closer to 15% of my net worth in cash and CDs.

30% in real estate = -5%. The online estimates say my real estate holdings have gone up ~6% YoY, but I doubt it now that the stock market has sold off so aggressively from the peak. Online price estimates and public data are always lagging estimates. Prices did continue to go up until about January 2018, but began falling for the remainder of the year. The chart below shows data months before the 4Q2018 stock market correction. Therefore, I’ve manually inputted -5% from +6% for a 11% swing.

Even though my real estate holdings are down, I thankfully feel no stress compared to my stock holdings, which is one of the reasons why I prefer real estate over stocks. One rental property has no mortgage since 2015, my primary residence is providing utility every day by sheltering my family, and my vacation property is generating a positive cash flow. I can’t wait to bring my boy up to Lake Tahoe to touch his first snow in March!

It’s unfortunate that I reinvested $600,000 of the $1,800,000 proceeds from my house sale into the stock market. I should have just stayed super conservative. But I suspect the best I could get now for the house is $2,600,000 today versus the $2,740,000 sale price in 2017. My house was on a busy street next to the busiest street in all of San Francisco. Fringe location properties, even in a good neighborhood, tend to underperform during a market softening.

8% in alternative investments = +5%. My alternative investments in venture debt and real estate crowdfunding seem to be doing well, to the tune of a 11% – 20% IRR. But these figures are probably too aggressive as well, so I’ve assigned a +5% performance instead. REITs and rental property have outperformed all year as rents are stickier than stocks. I remember back in 2009, my rents stayed flat because by the time the lease was over a year later, the recession was over.

25% in my online business = 0% – 150%. My business is the trickiest to value. Revenue and profits are up 20%+ YoY. Therefore, one might conclude that its value should also be up by 20%+. However, valuations have probably compressed since the stock market sell-off. The good thing is that a peer site with about 35% less traffic sold for 2X the value I assigned for my business in my net worth calculations. Therefore, there’s a possibility my site could be worth 2X – 2.5X my assigned value if we normalize for traffic.

From an estate planning perspective, I want my business to be valued as low as possible. It’s the same way you want your house to be valued as low as possible to pay less property tax. To prepare for hard times, I’ve kept my business at 0% growth in my net worth calculation.

Net Worth Growth

Here’s my 2018 net worth progression chart according to Personal Capital. The chart is a little chunky because of cash recognition delays. But overall, it was doing pretty well until the end of the year.

2018 Net Worth = +6.5%

The main reasons why my net worth is up ~6.5% in 2018 are business cash flow and aggressive savings. I continue to save over 70% of my after-tax income. If I didn’t aggressively save, my net worth would have been flat. As my net worth has grown, it’s harder to move the needle as much.

6.5% is OK, but at one point I was up ~11%. Hence, it feels a little disappointing. 10% YoY growth has always been my minimum net worth growth target since graduating from college. Despite the disappointment, I’m glad my net worth didn’t go in reverse.

If you’re feeling bummed out, it helps to look at how far your net worth has come over the past five or 10 years. When I left work in 2012, I was comfortable with what I had. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have left. Having another six years of growth, excluding 2018, has really been a blessing post earl retirement.

The key is to not lose all your gains to a bear market.

Related: Recommended Net Worth Allocation By Age Or Work Experience

Family & Fatherhood – 4.7 Stars

I could not have tried harder to be a great stay at home dad. I only have one shot, so I did everything to educate myself about parenthood. I also spent as much time as possible with my son as a stay at home dad.

My greatest moments of joy all year came from seeing my son’s milestones. He started waddling with help at around 11 months and slowly started to walk unassisted at 12 – 13 months. By 18 months he was able to count to 30, say all letters of the alphabet, and identify eight different colors.

His favorite words and phrases at 20 months old are “hot dog, ketchup, yum, yum, yum” “double wide garage door,” “walk with daddy,” “knock knock,” “verde,” “voila,” and “da hai bao (big seal in Mandarin).” He’s also just begun to sing a couple lullabies, one in Japanese and one in French. We try to talk to him in multiple languages as supposedly that helps brain development. He’s hilarious and full of determination. Oh boy is he determined.

When I’m not working on Financial Samurai or managing our investments, I pretend I’m a pre-school teacher and occupational therapist. Because he has a vision issue, I’ve been helping him track objects, work on his depth perception, and hand-eye coordination. So far he can walk up stairs no problem, but he still needs assistance going down stairs.

Now we’re focusing more on his fine motor skills, like drawing, holding a pencil, brushing his teeth, playing piano keys, and using scissors. The duties are never-ending, but it’s been a blessing to care for him every day and watch him grow.

He is a determined boy

My greatest sorrows have also all come from my son. Between 11 – 15 months old he would fall frequently or accidentally bonk his head on something hard or sharp. I felt his pain each time and admonished myself for not doing a better job protecting him.

As a result of his accidents, I ended up padding everywhere around the house and padding every wall and table corner. Interior design be damned! Thank goodness we live in a modest size house. The padding has saved him from injury numerous times, including on Christmas, when he stumbled on a package and hit his head on our coffee leg corner which was padded, hooray!

It turns out that toddlers between 12 – 19 months fall about 17X an hour on average according to one study of 120 toddlers. Only until about age 4 do most toddlers fully master their walking and running skills. That made me feel a little better, but it still made me so sad whenever he hurt himself. Taking him for a walk with a harness has helped tremendously. I’m teaching him to look both ways before crossing the street.

It’s also interesting it takes up to 24 months before a toddler’s fontanel closes. Therefore, we as parents might as well be as diligent as possible in trying to protect his head before his skull gets to full strength. So much about about parenthood the first several years is about survival – from preventing suffocation while sleeping to making sure they don’t walk off a ledge.

The better our boy sleeps and the more he is able to communicate his desires, the more rewarding parenthood has become. Because he is so strong-willed, his temper tantrums are also quite a challenge.

One of my concerns is that he will hurt himself during these temper tantrums by banging his head on something hard or arching his back and hurting himself on the floor. Doctors say temper tantrums peak by around 24 months, subside, and then rise again at around 36 months. Here’s where I need to demonstrate maximum patience as a parent for the next 18 months.

Before my son was born, there was never any whining or crying around the house. But once he arrived, I have heard crying and whining every day, multiple times a day for 20 months in a row. Unfortunately, there is no logical reasoning with a young boy, except to use a technique called “caveman speak” while voicing what we think he wants to calm him down. Adjusting to this new scenario has been hard.

It’s also difficult to write, record a podcast, or mentally relax when there is so much noise. Being able to more easily find a quiet space is one of the benefits of upgrading to a larger house. As a result of needing to find quiet time, I often had to wake up between 4am – 5am to get things done. But I’m proud to say I’ve never lost my temper around my boy.

I’ve still got to improve my patience with my wife and not let business stress or stock market stress hurt our relationship. We operate at different paces, and I need to do a better job slowing down. The whole point of financial independence is to be free from money stress to live your best life.

Given my wife is a full-time mom and absolutely does more of the caregiving, the pressure is on me to make sure our finances never go in reverse. As the stock market melted down in 4Q2018, my stress level definitely increased.

Our goal is to both stay full-time parents for at least our son’s first two years of life and ideally try to be full-time parents for five years before he attends kindergarten. Fatherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Related: How To Survive The Pressures Of Being A Sole Income Providing Parent

Health & Fitness – 3.2 Stars

I’m the same weight as I was in 2017, which is OK. But I gained 5 lbs in 2017, which was not OK. I need to get down to 162 lbs from 170 lbs. At least I exercised 3X a week on average plus took light walks with my son 5X a week on average. Given my goal is to live until 75, or whenever my son can establish himself and find a life partner, it’s important for me to stay in mental and physical shape.

Luckily, I’ve had no serious injuries or medical mishaps this year. I did catch some flu-like virus that knocked me out for 1.5 days in October, but that was it. We did have our first emergency room visit for my son at 5am because he seemed to have come down with a similar virus I had a month later. We also went to an after-hour care facility for some inflammation. Luckily, things got better after 24 hours.

At 41, I still haven’t sprouted any grey hairs, which is a surprise since I first got several grey hairs at 33, the year before I left my day job. The only reason I can imagine for this phenomena is that not working a full-time job is less stressful. It’s one thing to say how much better life is after achieving financial independence. It’s another thing for the body to show us.

My most fun physical addition has been joining a softball meetup group that plays every Saturday it doesn’t rain. I must have played over 30 games in 2018. Ah, now I remember sustaining a left knee bone contusion that hurt for six months. My personal highlight was drafting and captaining a 4th of July softball tournament and winning. Curiously, it was one of my most satisfying life moments!

Finally, I found out in December I wasn’t getting bumped down to 4.5 in USTA tennis from 5.0. I did poorly in 5.0 league at the beginning of the year and was hoping to get bumped down after three seasons. When I didn’t, I appealed and got denied.

5.0 level tennis is brutally tough. From an ego perspective, it does feel good to be in the top 1% of all tennis levels. Other players give you respect as you puff out your chest and start thinking you’re the shiznits. But after you start repeatedly getting beaten by players younger than you, it starts to get demoralizing! Therefore, I always try to make fun of myself to others by saying the computers must have malfunctioned to keep me at 5.0.

Business – 4.8 Stars

I could not have tried harder to build Financial Samurai either. Here are some of the accomplishments:

Published three posts a week on average

Published three pages a week on average

Published one newsletter a week on average

Improved my short-form writing skills with the newsletter

Produced over 40 podcasts

Did several podcast interviews on other platforms

Launched the Financial Samurai Forum with 1,300 members thanks to my wife who set everything up over a year

Got mentioned in Business Insider, CNBC, MarketWatch, MSN, Apple News, Forbes, and Yahoo

Updated How To Engineer Your Layoff with a new forward for 2019

Increased overall traffic by 20% YoY, with 50% YoY traffic growth between August 11 – December 27

The 50% YoY traffic surge since August 11 seems like an anomaly. It’s like suddenly turning into a speedboat after being a cruise ship. But traffic has been elevated for almost four months so far, with December being the highest traffic all year. For years, December has always been a quiet month due to the holidays. Perhaps the traffic increase is due to a combination of more production, search algorithm changes by Google, and content syndication.

Overall, I’m just really happy there’s been a correlation with effort and reward. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, hence part of the reason why I left work in 2012. Every year since the birth of Financial Samurai in 2009, Financial Samurai has drastically outperformed the S&P 500 and the San Francisco real estate market. As a result, blogging has surpassed real estate as my favorite asset class to build wealth.

For poops and giggles, here’s another net worth chart if I manually input a business value based on recent comparable sales. The 30% spike is nice, but is also dangerous because it brings a false sense of complacency. It’s best to stay motivated as the economy softens. Just know that creating next level wealth is all about owning growth equity over the long term.

Net worth including market value of business = +30% YoY

Life’s Odds & Ends – 4 Stars

In May, I helped coach my high school boys varsity tennis team to the Northern California Sectional championship. This was the first championship in the school’s entire 40+ year history. This victory was particularly sweet because we had come so close my first year in 2017 only to lose in the finals to a school 3X our size. This was another incredible life moment that had nothing to do with money. I only got paid $3,500 for 3.5 months of work. The relationships I developed with some of the parents were a nice bonus.

My dad came to visit three times and my mom twice. My mother-in-law also visited twice and my father-in-law once. It is always great to see them, and I hope they continue to visit us more often. My dream has always been to have three generations spend as much time together as possible. Unfortunately or fortunately, all our grandparents want to remain independent and live in their respective cities. It’s hard to change the older you get, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to move to Hawaii.

I further strengthened a couple friendships. This is huge because as a stay-at-home dad, it’s often hard to make new friends or deepen friendships. There are simply less social events to attend e.g. happy hour. I love having a good buddy to shoot the shit with. I also developed a new in-person relationship with an FS reader, who also so happens to also be a professional athlete on my favorite team. Pretty neat!

I did some decent home maintenance projects this year: caulked the top of our living room window sill to prevent leaks, varnished all our wood planter boxes, rooted the upstairs sink that was clogging, re-roofed the leaking light well, maintained the yard, and fixed a leaky faucet at my rental. Man, I forgot about all this stuff until my wife reminded me. Thank goodness I sold the other rental.

Finally, we finalized our will and revocable living trust. My wife also led the charge getting us through this cumbersome and complicated process. There were so many documents to gather and questions to ask the estate planning lawyer that she estimates the whole process took her about 40 hours. But after we finally signed all the documents on December 20, I felt a huge sense of relief that I could die knowing that my wife and son wouldn’t have to go through probate court.

2018: 3.8 Out Of 5 Stars

Although I didn’t decide to take it easy per my 2018 goal, I have no regrets staying consistent with Financial Samurai. I don’t think I’ll ever change my work ethic until my body starts breaking down. The joy of writing is so tangible because it is an identifiable product that can be eternally consumed.

It’s been hard to accept no longer making a positive return on my public investments after nine years of up, up, up. I’ve got to do a much better job at not letting financial loss negatively affect my mood and my relationship with my wife. Not taking unnecessary risk will help.

During downturns, I envy those in professions that have nothing to do with the stock market. For example, when I asked my estate planning lawyer about what she thought about the stock market collapse in December, she said she had no idea because she outsources all her financial planning to someone else. What a blessing.

I also have zero regrets being a stay at home dad all year. Yes, the days were long and there were many moments of frustration, but just hearing his squeals of joy made full-time fatherhood worthwhile. All I want to do is squeeze and kiss him 100X a day! I’m so thankful my wife has been an amazing mother and partner all year.

Family and Financial Samurai are my two great loves. Everything comes a distant second. There was a point where we thought we’d never have a child. So we say a prayer of thanks every evening. Financial Samurai has been a part of me since the bottom of the last financial crisis in 2009. It’s like an old friend that has stuck with me in the worst of times.

The key is to not let my two loves collide, but to let them be synergistic. My family gives me motivation to write, while Financial Samurai is a creative outlet that helps ensure we remain stay-at-home-parents until we decide otherwise.

There’s always a silver lining to a downturn too.

For Financial Samurai, it’s increased traffic as more people are paying attention to their finances. Book sales on how to negotiate a severance are also increasing as savvy employees are trying to get ahead of the layoff curve. Finally, our passive income has also increased due to higher interests rates and my shift towards higher yielding assets like cash, bonds, and CDs.

For family life, it’s being less tempted to go back to work because the return on effort has declined. When all is in shambles, why bother dealing with a commute, company politics, difficult clients, and a declining company stock price.

I hope if my boy one day reads this article that’ll he’ll be proud of his dad. Although 2018 wasn’t a fantastic year, it was filled with many positive milestones.

I’ll be sharing my 2019 outlook and goals next. In the meantime, I’d love to hear some of your hits and misses for 2018!

Related: The Best Financial Samurai Posts For 2018

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Financial Samurai 2018 Year In Review: Almost A Fantastic Year

Although 2018 ended on a down note with the stock market selling off, I feel good about how things unfolded. I’ll take the ratio of three good quarters to one bad quarter any year.

Believe it or not, my theme for 2018 was: back to early retirement life. I pushed myself to the point of burnout in 2017. But the funny thing about hard work is that it’s over. I only remember bits and pieces of how difficult 2017 was.

At year-end, it’s easy to forget our accomplishments and our failures. With this post, I’m excited to relive the good and the bad in the following categories: Finances, Family, Health, Business, and Odds & Ends.

This post is like a 4-for-1 special. It needs to be thorough so I can prove to my son his old man wasn’t a deadbeat when he inevitably starts rebelling or when I’m no longer here to defend myself. 

2018 Year In Review

Finances – 3 Out Of 5 Stars

At the beginning of the year, I predicted we’d see a slowdown in coastal city real estate, a 10-year bond yield under 3%, and a stock market that would have one last hurrah with a 10% return. I was almost three for three with the stock market up ~8% in September. Too bad it gave up all its gains and then a whole lot! At least I got more defensive starting in March.

My net worth is roughly made up of:

30% in stocks/bonds = -1.5%. After writing Your Risk Tolerance Is An Illusion in the Spring, I reduced my stock allocation in my House Sale Fund to roughly 52% from 70%. As bonds began to outperform stocks coupled with further profit taking, my end allocation is roughly 40% stocks / 60% bonds. Owning a bunch of equity structured notes in my other main fund has helped minimize volatility. But clearly I wasn’t defensive enough and should have taken more profits during the summer.

My House Sale Fund portfolio was up around 13% at one point until I gave all the gains up in the 4th quarter. Right now, it’s holding onto a tenuous 0.6% gain, excluding the huge rally on Dec 26. Overall, my public investment portfolio is slightly down, which violates my rule of never losing money post retirement.

House Sale Fund Portfolio went from +13% to just +0.6%

I’m disappointed with my public investment portfolio performance. This goes to show that no matter how concerned you are about an asset class or the economy, greed can override logic.

Here’s a good chart that shows how the Vanguard Long-Term Bond Fund has outperformed the S&P 500 since 1999. The next time I start feeling greedy, I need to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race, especially if you’ve already passed the finish line.

6% in cash/CDs = +2.3%. Thanks to rising short-term rates, you can now get around 2% in a money market and 2.5% in a 12-month CD. It’s wonderful to earn something from our risk-free investments now. Cash and short-term CDs have been 10%+ outperformers against the S&P 500. Hopefully, folks will no longer badger me about the risks of underperforming inflation when the real risk is losing absolute dollar value. Unfortunately, I should have had closer to 15% of my net worth in cash and CDs.

30% in real estate = -5%. The online estimates say my real estate holdings have gone up ~6% YoY, but I doubt it now that the stock market has sold off so aggressively from the peak. Online price estimates and public data are always lagging estimates. Prices did continue to go up until about January 2018, but began falling for the remainder of the year. The chart below shows data months before the 4Q2018 stock market correction. Therefore, I’ve manually inputted -5% from +6% for a 11% swing.

Even though my real estate holdings are down, I thankfully feel no stress compared to my stock holdings, which is one of the reasons why I prefer real estate over stocks. One rental property has no mortgage since 2015, my primary residence is providing utility every day by sheltering my family, and my vacation property is generating a positive cash flow. I can’t wait to bring my boy up to Lake Tahoe to touch his first snow in March!

It’s unfortunate that I reinvested $600,000 of the $1,800,000 proceeds from my house sale into the stock market. I should have just stayed super conservative. But I suspect the best I could get now for the house is $2,600,000 today versus the $2,740,000 sale price in 2017. My house was on a busy street next to the busiest street in all of San Francisco. Fringe location properties, even in a good neighborhood, tend to underperform during a market softening.

8% in alternative investments = +5%. My alternative investments in venture debt and real estate crowdfunding seem to be doing well, to the tune of a 11% – 20% IRR. But these figures are probably too aggressive as well, so I’ve assigned a +5% performance instead. REITs and rental property have outperformed all year as rents are stickier than stocks. I remember back in 2009, my rents stayed flat because by the time the lease was over a year later, the recession was over.

25% in my online business = 0% – 150%. My business is the trickiest to value. Revenue and profits are up 20%+ YoY. Therefore, one might conclude that its value should also be up by 20%+. However, valuations have probably compressed since the stock market sell-off. The good thing is that a peer site with about 35% less traffic sold for 2X the value I assigned for my business in my net worth calculations. Therefore, there’s a possibility my site could be worth 2X – 2.5X my assigned value if we normalize for traffic.

From an estate planning perspective, I want my business to be valued as low as possible. It’s the same way you want your house to be valued as low as possible to pay less property tax. To prepare for hard times, I’ve kept my business at 0% growth in my net worth calculation.

Net Worth Growth

Here’s my 2018 net worth progression chart according to Personal Capital. The chart is a little chunky because of cash recognition delays. But overall, it was doing pretty well until the end of the year.

2018 Net Worth = +6.5%

The main reasons why my net worth is up ~6.5% in 2018 are business cash flow and aggressive savings. I continue to save over 70% of my after-tax income. If I didn’t aggressively save, my net worth would have been flat. As my net worth has grown, it’s harder to move the needle as much.

6.5% is OK, but at one point I was up ~11%. Hence, it feels a little disappointing. 10% YoY growth has always been my minimum net worth growth target since graduating from college. Despite the disappointment, I’m glad my net worth didn’t go in reverse.

If you’re feeling bummed out, it helps to look at how far your net worth has come over the past five or 10 years. When I left work in 2012, I was comfortable with what I had. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have left. Having another six years of growth, excluding 2018, has really been a blessing post earl retirement.

The key is to not lose all your gains to a bear market.

Related: Recommended Net Worth Allocation By Age Or Work Experience

Family & Fatherhood – 4.7 Stars

I could not have tried harder to be a great stay at home dad. I only have one shot, so I did everything to educate myself about parenthood. I also spent as much time as possible with my son as a stay at home dad.

My greatest moments of joy all year came from seeing my son’s milestones. He started waddling with help at around 11 months and slowly started to walk unassisted at 12 – 13 months. By 18 months he was able to count to 30, say all letters of the alphabet, and identify eight different colors.

His favorite words and phrases at 20 months old are “hot dog, ketchup, yum, yum, yum” “double wide garage door,” “walk with daddy,” “knock knock,” “verde,” “voila,” and “da hai bao (big seal in Mandarin).” He’s also just begun to sing a couple lullabies, one in Japanese and one in French. We try to talk to him in multiple languages as supposedly that helps brain development. He’s hilarious and full of determination. Oh boy is he determined.

When I’m not working on Financial Samurai or managing our investments, I pretend I’m a pre-school teacher and occupational therapist. Because he has a vision issue, I’ve been helping him track objects, work on his depth perception, and hand-eye coordination. So far he can walk up stairs no problem, but he still needs assistance going down stairs.

Now we’re focusing more on his fine motor skills, like drawing, holding a pencil, brushing his teeth, playing piano keys, and using scissors. The duties are never-ending, but it’s been a blessing to care for him every day and watch him grow.

He is a determined boy

My greatest sorrows have also all come from my son. Between 11 – 15 months old he would fall frequently or accidentally bonk his head on something hard or sharp. I felt his pain each time and admonished myself for not doing a better job protecting him.

As a result of his accidents, I ended up padding everywhere around the house and padding every wall and table corner. Interior design be damned! Thank goodness we live in a modest size house. The padding has saved him from injury numerous times, including on Christmas, when he stumbled on a package and hit his head on our coffee leg corner which was padded, hooray!

It turns out that toddlers between 12 – 19 months fall about 17X an hour on average according to one study of 120 toddlers. Only until about age 4 do most toddlers fully master their walking and running skills. That made me feel a little better, but it still made me so sad whenever he hurt himself. Taking him for a walk with a harness has helped tremendously. I’m teaching him to look both ways before crossing the street.

It’s also interesting it takes up to 24 months before a toddler’s fontanel closes. Therefore, we as parents might as well be as diligent as possible in trying to protect his head before his skull gets to full strength. So much about about parenthood the first several years is about survival – from preventing suffocation while sleeping to making sure they don’t walk off a ledge.

The better our boy sleeps and the more he is able to communicate his desires, the more rewarding parenthood has become. Because he is so strong-willed, his temper tantrums are also quite a challenge.

One of my concerns is that he will hurt himself during these temper tantrums by banging his head on something hard or arching his back and hurting himself on the floor. Doctors say temper tantrums peak by around 24 months, subside, and then rise again at around 36 months. Here’s where I need to demonstrate maximum patience as a parent for the next 18 months.

Before my son was born, there was never any whining or crying around the house. But once he arrived, I have heard crying and whining every day, multiple times a day for 20 months in a row. Unfortunately, there is no logical reasoning with a young boy, except to use a technique called “caveman speak” while voicing what we think he wants to calm him down. Adjusting to this new scenario has been hard.

It’s also difficult to write, record a podcast, or mentally relax when there is so much noise. Being able to more easily find a quiet space is one of the benefits of upgrading to a larger house. As a result of needing to find quiet time, I often had to wake up between 4am – 5am to get things done. But I’m proud to say I’ve never lost my temper around my boy.

I’ve still got to improve my patience with my wife and not let business stress or stock market stress hurt our relationship. We operate at different paces, and I need to do a better job slowing down. The whole point of financial independence is to be free from money stress to live your best life.

Given my wife is a full-time mom and absolutely does more of the caregiving, the pressure is on me to make sure our finances never go in reverse. As the stock market melted down in 4Q2018, my stress level definitely increased.

Our goal is to both stay full-time parents for at least our son’s first two years of life and ideally try to be full-time parents for five years before he attends kindergarten. Fatherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Related: How To Survive The Pressures Of Being A Sole Income Providing Parent

Health & Fitness – 3.2 Stars

I’m the same weight as I was in 2017, which is OK. But I gained 5 lbs in 2017, which was not OK. I need to get down to 162 lbs from 170 lbs. At least I exercised 3X a week on average plus took light walks with my son 5X a week on average. Given my goal is to live until 75, or whenever my son can establish himself and find a life partner, it’s important for me to stay in mental and physical shape.

Luckily, I’ve had no serious injuries or medical mishaps this year. I did catch some flu-like virus that knocked me out for 1.5 days in October, but that was it. We did have our first emergency room visit for my son at 5am because he seemed to have come down with a similar virus I had a month later. We also went to an after-hour care facility for some inflammation. Luckily, things got better after 24 hours.

At 41, I still haven’t sprouted any grey hairs, which is a surprise since I first got several grey hairs at 33, the year before I left my day job. The only reason I can imagine for this phenomena is that not working a full-time job is less stressful. It’s one thing to say how much better life is after achieving financial independence. It’s another thing for the body to show us.

My most fun physical addition has been joining a softball meetup group that plays every Saturday it doesn’t rain. I must have played over 30 games in 2018. Ah, now I remember sustaining a left knee bone contusion that hurt for six months. My personal highlight was drafting and captaining a 4th of July softball tournament and winning. Curiously, it was one of my most satisfying life moments!

Finally, I found out in December I wasn’t getting bumped down to 4.5 in USTA tennis from 5.0. I did poorly in 5.0 league at the beginning of the year and was hoping to get bumped down after three seasons. When I didn’t, I appealed and got denied.

5.0 level tennis is brutally tough. From an ego perspective, it does feel good to be in the top 1% of all tennis levels. Other players give you respect as you puff out your chest and start thinking you’re the shiznits. But after you start repeatedly getting beaten by players younger than you, it starts to get demoralizing! Therefore, I always try to make fun of myself to others by saying the computers must have malfunctioned to keep me at 5.0.

Business – 4.8 Stars

I could not have tried harder to build Financial Samurai either. Here are some of the accomplishments:

Published three posts a week on average

Published three pages a week on average

Published one newsletter a week on average

Improved my short-form writing skills with the newsletter

Produced over 50 podcasts

Did several podcast interviews on other platforms

Launched the Financial Samurai Forum with 1,300 members thanks to my wife who set everything up over a year

Got mentioned in Business Insider, CNBC, MarketWatch, MSN, Apple News, Forbes, and Yahoo

Updated How To Engineer Your Layoff with a new forward

Increased overall traffic by 20% YoY, with 50% YoY traffic growth between August 11 – December 27

The 50% YoY traffic surge since August 11 seems like an anomaly. It’s like suddenly turning into a speedboat after being a cruise ship. But traffic has been elevated for almost four months so far, with December being the highest traffic all year. For years, December has always been a quiet month due to the holidays. Perhaps the traffic increase is due to a combination of more production, search algorithm changes by Google, and content syndication.

Overall, I’m just really happy there’s been a correlation with effort and reward. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, hence part of the reason why I left work in 2012. Every year since the birth of Financial Samurai in 2009, Financial Samurai has drastically outperformed the S&P 500 and the San Francisco real estate market. As a result, blogging has surpassed real estate as my favorite asset class to build wealth.

For poops and giggles, here’s another net worth chart if I manually input a business value based on recent comparable sales. The 30% spike is nice, but is also dangerous because it brings a false sense of complacency. It’s best to stay motivated as the economy softens.

Net worth including market value of business = +30% YoY

Life’s Odds & Ends – 4 Stars

In May, I helped coach my high school boys varsity tennis team to the Northern California Sectional championship. This was the first championship in the school’s entire 40+ year history. This victory was particularly sweet because we had come so close my first year in 2017 only to lose in the finals to a school 3X our size. This was another incredible life moment that had nothing to do with money. I only got paid $3,500 for 3.5 months of work. The relationships I developed with some of the parents were a nice bonus.

My dad came to visit three times and my mom twice. My mother-in-law also visited twice and my father-in-law once. It is always great to see them, and I hope they continue to visit us more often. My dream has always been to have three generations spend as much time together as possible. Unfortunately or fortunately, all our grandparents want to remain independent and live in their respective cities. It’s hard to change the older you get, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to move to Hawaii.

I further strengthened a couple friendships. This is huge because as a stay-at-home dad, it’s often hard to make new friends or deepen friendships. There are simply less social events to attend e.g. happy hour. I love having a good buddy to shoot the shit with. I also developed a new in-person relationship with an FS reader, who also so happens to also be a professional athlete on my favorite team. Pretty neat!

I did some decent home maintenance projects this year: caulked the top of our living room window sill to prevent leaks, varnished all our wood planter boxes, rooted the upstairs sink that was clogging, re-roofed the leaking light well, maintained the yard, and fixed a leaky faucet at my rental. Man, I forgot about all this stuff until my wife reminded me. Thank goodness I sold the other rental.

Finally, we finalized our will and revocable living trust. My wife also led the charge getting us through this cumbersome and complicated process. There were so many documents to gather and questions to ask the estate planning lawyer that she estimates the whole process took her about 40 hours. But after we finally signed all the documents on December 20, I felt a huge sense of relief that I could die knowing that my wife and son wouldn’t have to go through probate court.

2018: 3.8 Out Of 5 Stars

Although I didn’t decide to take it easy per my 2018 goal, I have no regrets staying consistent with Financial Samurai. I don’t think I’ll ever change my work ethic until my body starts breaking down. The joy of writing is so tangible because it is an identifiable product that can be eternally consumed.

It’s been hard to accept no longer making a positive return on my public investments after nine years of up, up, up. I’ve got to do a much better job at not letting financial loss negatively affect my mood and my relationship with my wife. Not taking unnecessary risk will help.

During downturns, I envy those in professions that have nothing to do with the stock market. For example, when I asked my estate planning lawyer about what she thought about the stock market collapse in December, she said she had no idea because she outsources all her financial planning to someone else. What a blessing.

I also have zero regrets being a stay at home dad all year. Yes, the days were long and there were many moments of frustration, but just hearing his squeals of joy made full-time fatherhood worthwhile. All I want to do is squeeze and kiss him 100X a day! I’m so thankful my wife has been an amazing mother and partner all year.

Family and Financial Samurai are my two great loves. Everything comes a distant second. There was a point where we thought we’d never have a child. So we say a prayer of thanks every evening. Financial Samurai has been a part of me since the bottom of the last financial crisis in 2009. It’s like an old friend that has stuck with me in the worst of times.

The key is to not let my two loves collide, but to let them be synergistic. My family gives me motivation to write, while Financial Samurai is a creative outlet that helps ensure we remain stay at home parents until we decide otherwise.

There’s always a silver lining to a downturn too.

For Financial Samurai, it’s increased traffic as more people are paying attention to their finances. Book sales on how to negotiate a severance are also increasing as savvy employees are trying to get ahead of the layoff curve. Finally, our passive income has also increased due to higher interests rates and my shift towards higher yielding assets like cash, bonds, and CDs.

For family life, it’s being less tempted to go back to work because the return on effort has declined. When all is in shambles, why bother dealing with a commute, company politics, difficult clients, and a declining company stock price.

I hope if my boy one day reads this article that’ll he’ll be proud of his dad. Although 2018 wasn’t a fantastic year, it was filled with many positive milestones.

I’ll be sharing my 2019 outlook and goals next. In the meantime, I’d love to hear some of your hits and misses for 2018!

Related: The Best Financial Samurai Posts For 2018

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The Founders of Celeb-Favorite Shoe Brand Allbirds Explain Why Being Told to Raise Money Was the Worst Advice They Ever Received

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/wealth/the-founders-of-celeb-favorite-shoe-brand-allbirds-explain-why-being-told-to-raise-money-was-the-worst-advice-they-ever-received/

The Founders of Celeb-Favorite Shoe Brand Allbirds Explain Why Being Told to Raise Money Was the Worst Advice They Ever Received

April 26, 2018 10 min read

Editor’s Note: Entrepreneur’s “20 Questions” series features both established and up-and-coming entrepreneurs and asks them a number of questions about what makes them tick, their everyday success strategies and advice for aspiring founders.

As the co-founders of two-year-old footwear startup Allbirds, Tim Brown and Joey Zwillinger’s biggest goal is to make stylish, comfortable and most importantly, sustainable shoes that ensure your actual footprint doesn’t compromise your environmental one.

Brown hails from New Zealand and comes to the world of entrepreneurship via an unexpected path. Though he always had a passion for design and studied it in school, his first job was as a professional soccer player. Highlights of his athletic career included being the co-captain of New Zealand’s national team during the 2010 World Cup. 

Zwillinger, with his background in engineering, had a slightly more traditional launching pad. He has an MBA from Wharton and worked at Goldman Sachs and Deloitte, and held a leadership role at Solazyme, a company that makes products out of algae — which made him familiar with and intrigued by the potential of developing a business around renewable resources.

Today, Brown’s initial idea — that long-lasting shoes could be made with materials like wool, tree fiber, castor bean oil and recycled plastic — has yielded them a raft of A-list fans including Mindy Kaling and Jennifer Garner, two stores in San Francisco and New York, partnerships with big name retailers like Nordstrom and more than $27 million in funding from investors. As of this spring, the company has sold one million pairs of shoes.

We caught up with Brown and Zwillinger to ask them 20 Questions and find out what makes them tick.

Related: Use This Successful Entrepreneur’s Scheduling Secret to Have Your Most Productive Day

1. How do you start your day? Joey Zwillinger: I wake up between 6:00 and 7:00 am, with someone the age of 4 or below yelling at me. I make them breakfast and lunch, and then do 15 other things before I race out the door. I use my car ride to get myself focused to work because my home gives me zero ability to be focused.

2. How do you end your day? Tim Brown: I like to end my day with reading. It’s a helpful way for me to clear my mind and stop it racing before I go to sleep. If I don’t do that, I found myself checking off my to-do list late into the night, which is not always healthy. Reading is my way of was resetting.

3. What’s a book that changed your mind and why? Brown: Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin. It’s about Abraham Lincoln and the formation of his cabinet. The guy had remarkable persistence. I forget how many times he lost the elections before he won, and how he taught himself to read. 

4. What’s a book you always recommend and why? Zwillinger: I always recommend Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankel. It is a story of the Holocaust, but it’s also a story about hope and optimism — knowing that no matter what situation you’re in, you have the ability to make a great life and make something positive happen.

Related: Shark Tank’s Barbara Corcoran Explains Why You Must Make Time in Your Schedule For Fun

5. What’s a strategy to keep focused? Zwillinger: Find the time to clear my head. That’s not something I can do every day, but I do love to step back and do an activity that is more hobby-oriented. I love doing woodwork. It is very cathartic and enables me to not have any distractions and regain a center. We make all our conference tables here as a team. We all take raw, ethically harvested red wood, sand it down, finish it and put some legs on it. 

6. When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up? Brown: One was a soccer player, and I was very fortunate enough to make that happen. The second one was to be an architect, and I failed miserably at that. But I did study design and that was something that I fell in love with and is a big part of what we’re doing today.

7. What did you learn from the worst boss you ever had? Zwillinger: This boss had a very firm view that if he says to do X, I’m supposed to do X, and I can absolutely not do Y, even if I think Y would be of benefit to the group or the company. I realized that for me, as a management philosophy and a technique, I love to have people to set stretch objectives. I love the set people free with that creativity.  

8. Who has influenced you most when it comes to how you approach your work? Tim: My dad, who taught me to never ever give up. I know it’s a cliched thing, but at certain moments certainly through the Allbirds journey, [I remember that advice to] keep on going. Certainly, in my sporting career, there’s something about stepping into the arena and trying to do something that plenty of people would tell you is a bad idea. You got to use that as fuel rather than listening to that.

9. What’s a trip that changed you? Zwillinger: I was 16 years old and staying at a family’s house in a mountain town in Mexico for a month. I fell in love with the Mexican culture and fell in love with the idea of traveling alone. I have since taken many months-long walkabouts throughout the world because of it. I love to see what different cultures have to offer.

Related: Health and Beauty Mogul Bobbi Brown Shares The Biggest Time Sucker — and What You Can Do About It

10. What inspires you? Zwillinger: I’ve been inspired by business leaders who have the courage to stand up and speak out publicly about a set of values they have, even at the risk of ostracizing some of their customers. Having the conviction to be authentic, be who you are and stand up for things that are important — that’s something that has recently been giving me a whole lot of inspiration. Howard Schultz is a good example of someone who I think is doing a phenomenal job.

11. What was your first business idea and what did you do with it? Brown: The first business idea I ever had was that shoes could be made out of wool, and they might be more comfortable. It was a bad idea long before it was even close to being a good one. But it became Allbirds, and it is something I’m glad I stuck with.

12. What was an early job that taught you something important or useful? Zwillinger: I was a lift operator at Northstar in Tahoe, and I learned about the great challenges and opportunities of being in a service business.

13. What’s the best advice you ever took? Brown: One is listening to feedback is really important, but equally ignoring feedback is really important, too. There is the sweet spot where you’re able listen and take things on board, but also filter through your own lens. 

14. What’s the worst piece of advice you ever got? Zwillinger: Get as much money as you possibly can raise. Don’t worry about dilution, just raise and get higher and higher valuations and prices. We haven’t done that, and we’re really happy that we have not taken that advice. There are different ways that build businesses; it’s not just one hammer [to use] and one nail to hit.

Brown: I also think there’s the assumption that once you raise the money it is the time to celebrate, and really that’s when the pressure starts. It comes with a new set of expectations and a new set of pressures, and I think being aware of that and staying humble through that process is something pretty important.

Related: This Successful Entrepreneur Explains Why You Don’t Need Billions to Build a Brand That Hits Home

15. What’s a productivity tip you swear by? Brown: It took me a long time to realize that to-do lists didn’t need to be checked off in sequence.

I try to ask myself each morning, what are the three things that I should be doing that will help shift the needle for the business. Sometimes those are immediate, and some are very long term that you would never start if you were focused only on the present.  

16. Is there an app or tool you use in a surprising way to get things done or stay on track? Zwillinger: It’s my Traeger grill app. I get to season meat in the morning, throw it in the smoker, and I know exactly the temperature that the meat is at and I can do absolutely anything else I want. And the meal is done it is incredible [to not have to worry about cooking] at the end of the day.

17. What does work-life balance mean to you? Zwillinger: What I think of as the harmony between work and life is to do something that is engaging for the whole family and to be able to integrate my family with my work. Tim and I, our wives are best friends from a long time ago. We get together and have a great time outside of work, but that also gives us an opportunity to connect on business. We try to really create a harmony between it rather than trying to compartmentalize.

18. How do you prevent burnout? Brown: Exercise is super important to me. Whatever you’re worried about, if you run hard enough, you will forgotten it by the time you’re finished. The second thing is, we pride ourselves on not taking yourself too seriously. Make sure you are having fun along the way. I think we’ve done a good job of laughing more than we cried in the process of building Allbirds.

19. When you’re faced with a creativity block, what’s your strategy to get innovating? Brown: Forget about it. When you’re trying too hard, it just does not work. You have to put it down, and do something completely different and come back to it. 

20. What are you learning now? Zwillinger: I’m learning the art of patience. It’s important to me, because I constantly feel a sense of urgency and a vision of where we need to go. I need to learn to be way more patient about how we get there and when the correct time is to start doing things as a business.

Brown: It’s a cliche, but the “why” is important. In the early stages, you know before I met a Joey, and we decided to build Allbirds together, there was a period of time when I was fumbling with this business idea by myself, and I hadn’t connected on the why; I hadn’t connected with what the perspective was of what I might tell my grandparents about this journey that we’re on. Once I connected that it with idea of sustainable manufacturing and the problem we’re solving, [it came together]. It’s very important, and I it’s allowed us to give Allbirds the beating heart that it has.