#if i make a new personal blog it’ll be me rambling + reblogging stuff related to my interests + yelling in your replies !!

[aureliobooks]

well. now that twitter is finally biting the dust i’m thinking about remaking my main. if i end up following through with that, please let me know if any of you would like to follow me on my new account <3 it would just be a personal blog and not a writeblr, but who knows!! maybe it’ll inspire me to be active here again too :’)

[strawberricloudz]

To Help You Get Around!

@strawberricloudz

|| You’re Here! ||

This is my main blog, not really a personal blog but just a the center of the hub! I might not use this blog much other than for shitposts or boosting my other blogs!

@piffyfaq

|| Information Blog || [⭐Updated!]

This just had general info about me! Please read it before interacting with me! It’s basically a blog version of a carrd.

13 more Under Line! 

[Tiny Update]

As of right now all my blogs are under hiatus. Sorry bout that.

We're recovering though.

 @d00d3lp4d 

|| Art Blog || [Semi Inactive | Unmotivated]

This is where I’ll post art/content of random fandoms I’m in as well as contain reblogs from other artists that inspire me!! (and yes, it’s pronounced doodlepad)

@ollieartcive

 || Art References and Tutorials ||

THESE AREN’T GOING TO BE MADE BY ME! This is just my own archive to look back on to help me! And you’re welcome to follow along and learn stuff with the stuff I find!

 @mywonderouswanderers 

|| OC Blog || [Inactive ATM]

this is full of my original content!! Fully original!! (At least, I will. Try and make it that!) 

@thefixationstation

|| Gushing Area: RBs of Other Artists ||

If you wanna hear me endlessly talking about my special interests and what I’m fixated on, feel free to follow my ramble sessions! About numerous things!!

 __

@primalsailorseananigans

|| Reblog Spam || [Most stuff is Untagged]

This will be full of reblogs of random shit I find interesting but most likely will have a bunch of recent event reblogs that need boosting! It’s very much a recent events blog! I encourage u to look into it because it’s of serious events that are urgent, but I do warn that it WILL contain irl events

@khaoscommissions

|| Commission (And Redbubble) Blog || [Incomplete!]

like an art blog but monetized - plz consider hitting me up here to find info about my prices and consider supporting me

❎Currently closed!

@berriinspirational 

|| Aesthetic and Stim Blog || 

Anything I find pretty, I tuck away here in my nest. 

Got a discord server to share aes and stuff if you want, too! It's a WIP but ;]

@theberribusiness

 || Friend Blog!! || [Incomplete!]

Content of me and my friends being goofs and gags! This will likely be a closed blog, however we’ll see what we can show off with it! 

@primalsailor

|| Bonus Blog : ACNH Journal || [Back Next Month!]

Says in the title! Got ACNH and will do logs and stuff on this blog of Sailor Sin Island and it's journey! Probably will get updates frequently for a moment and then be dead the next - as the traditional way of playing Animal Crossing lmao ((psst, you can totally play with me if you want too. hmu on Discord 🍓))

@ghiblibeck

|| Bonus Blog: Linebeck Centric Blog 2.0 || [Tiny Break!]

My last one was @rainbakku but I've long since abandoned that one so I've made a new Linebeck blog! For all my Linebeck needs! Literally just made it cuz I wanted the username and because. Well. I have a lot of thoughts about Linebeck. :]

@olliepunch

|| Bonus Blog: Punch Out Shenanigans || [Inactive | WIP]

Negl it's mostly focused on Punch Out Wii and like only 3 characters but like YKNOW. y'know. Made it anyway. :] Semi functions as an Ask Blog?

--

@sailorsimblr

|| Bonus Blog: My Sim Shenanigans || [WIP]

It'll be where I mostly rb a bunch of sims stuff like custom content and other simmers stuff. I might get around to posting my own stuff, eventually. ;]

@prxnceterrxnce

|| Bonus Blog: Mario Related Shenanigans || [WIP]

I'll post about my King Boo/Prince Terrence au here as well as just talk about my Luigi/Bowser/Wario brainrot I get. :]

[albatris]

Sorry in advance for the potentially dumb question, but: do you suffer from psychosis/schizophrenia? I’ve seen you reblog a lot of posts about it, of course, but i was curious. Also, if its not too personal, if you do, how much does it impact your writing/the weirdness glitchiness factor?

Not a dumb question at all, you’re all good!

So this is kinda…….. not something I’ve spoken about in a great amount of detail or specifics on this blog? And talking about it directly is actually kinda weird! I wasn’t expecting this to feel weird, but it totally does! So please excuse how long this answer took me hahahahaha

So I mean YEAH psychosis is a thing that I possess, this is a thing that resides inside my brain and occasionally outside of it………. I’m not schizophrenic, I’m more in the schizotypal realm of things, which is like….. I mean, that’s a label that best encompasses my experiences and so far it’s the only label that’s been vaguely and tentatively applied to me that’s ever really made me go “oh hey yeah that would actually explain a whole fucking lot” but like. Bits of it are still kinda wonky. Mental health is wonky, I think, generally speaking…………….

I was gonna talk a bit here about my specific experiences but, like, I really had no idea where to start with those and I don’t actually know how relevant it’d be to this question aside from being vaguely tangential in terms of psychosis………… so uhhhh I’m gonna jump ahead and talk WRITING which is WAY more in my comfort zone apparently

and oh my god this was so many words, I’m so sorry in advance, I have no idea if any of this is actually like………… super interesting? But I enjoyed the opportunity to talk about it so cheers for that! I think!

(and I’m sorry if you were expecting like………… a really short sharp sweet answer, I don’t really deal in shorts or sharps or sweets, I mostly deal in, uh………. rambling)

Rest of this post, under the cut, which I hope actually works on mobile, for the sake of your dashboards - 

So this message was an adventure for me into how the questions “How does it affect your writing?” and “How does it affect the glitchiness/horror factor?” are actually two entirely separate things. I mean, they’re two separate things because I’m assuming by “glitchiness factor” you’re thinking specifically of the stuff in my recent ATDAO posts about body horror and the unreality? In which case………… let me get to that in a moment

And since this post got super long, I’m going to start with my extremely short summed-up answer, and then elaborate on it………

In terms of how it affects my writing? In lots of direct ways!

In terms of how it affects the glitchiness and horror aspects? In some weird roundabout ways! It’s not where the horror stems from, but it’s where the response to the horror stems from and where a lot of my descriptive choices stem from! It’s not the horror, but it’s kind of the lens through which I explore the horror!

AND NOW HERE WE GO………… WORDS AHOY

So in terms of how it affects my writing, generally speaking

boring straightforward answer first:

It’s something that crops up in a super literal sense, just in that I’ve got a fair few characters who are psychotic to some degree or another, and it’s something that plays into how they relate to the world and their specific character voice and how they respond to the situations they find themselves in. 

somewhat irrelevant, it’s, uhhh….. something that I feel interacts with themes in a different sort of way, too. ‘Cause a lot of times there’s, like….. stories about people going on cool magical sci-fi quests, and there’s Stories About Psychotic People, and there’s not an awful lot of overlap between the two unless it’s in the context of “and the whole magical quest was a delusion all along!” which, ew

and for fucking REAL there is so much interesting ground to cover and opportunities for different perspectives and new avenues through which themes can be explored, like, in that overlap of stories. It’s something I wish I saw a lot more of in fiction! Which is another huge driving force in, like, why I write stuff the way I do

and now slightly more interesting:

Worldbuilding! It’s definitely something that plays into worldbuilding and like…. my love of creating stories that are kinda just……. “reality but a little bit to the left” if that makes sense? 

Whether this is something like Undertow, where there’s a degree of magic woven into the fabric of the universe, where things are connected by invisible threads, where I can give opinions to objects and feelings to the weather and the streetlights, where the earth itself has a voice? Or whether it’s something like ATDAO, where reality is coming undone at the seams and the fact that everything is just a little lopsided and haywire is a Mundane Part Of Everyday Life? That’s something I find super cathartic and quite lovely to play around in! I’ve always experienced the world as Just A Little Bit To The Left, and writing was one of the first avenues I found to kinda…. channel and explore and expand on that and put my feelings of strangeness into words?

It’s kinda, like, I like being able to share that kind of vision with others in some sort of way, and not necessarily in a frightening or horrible way, y’know? 

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TO SAY that anything I write is, like, 100% a direct mirror or my own life and how I see the world lmao. A lot of my writing takes experiences and feelings and little facets of how I experience the world and works them into something that’s often more literal and concrete, or it’ll start out as My Thing and as I’m writing, it sorta blooms into something totally different. But bits of it are in there, sure, although they change shape a lot! And it’s definitely in there with a lot of the general overarching feelings and concepts! Yeah!

One other thing that kinda leads onto my next topic is, uh…… that a lot of how I interpret events and meanings in the world around me can be kind of frightening and threatening, and that’s not reeeaaaally something I want to delve into too much in my writing from a worldbuilding perspective? So generally the parts of ATDAO’s “reality but a little to the left” that start to twist into horror and unreality are things I’ve constructed specifically to serve that purpose, more so than things I’ve pulled directly from my experiences.

AND NOW IN TERMS OF GLITCHY HORROR STUFF HELL YEAH

so again I’m assuming by “glitchiness factor” that’d be all the unreality and all the body horror stuff and weird horror? Which, fuck yeah! Despite my squeamishness when it comes to horror, this is one odd little corner of ATDAO that I’m extremely fond of hahahaha

And, like, initially when I considered this question I was like…. oh, this is not something that really has any of its roots in psychosis or my experiences of mental illness. And that’s…… kiiiiiind of true? My construction of the unreality and its contents is a lot of me just me sitting at my laptop going “Hahahaha that makes me physically nauseous! That’s the worst thing I’ve ever come up with!! I’m adding it in immediately!!”

But yeah, it definitely does factor in, though! Maybe not in as interesting a way as you’d hoped? 

So first off, my experiences are something that sorta plays into my word choice and the specific way I use language in those scenes. And I’m also gonna go ahead and say that dissociation and specifically derealisation are also things I draw from pretty heavily for those kinda……. more glitchy horror-ish parts? So for me, my experiences factor more into HOW I describe the content more so than any of the horrid glitchy gory content itself. 

‘cause it’s kinda, like, a specific kind of fear, I think, it’s a little bit off-beat and weirdly-worded and disjointed and it hits your senses all wrong, it doesn’t make an awful lot of sense but it’s still extremely real. There’s a lot of weird or unsettling bullshit that goes on in the unreality that there’s no convenient Real World Descriptive Equivalent for. Like, cityscapes made entirely of soundwaves, the aforementioned body horror stuff in earlier posts, places that are a complete and total lack of Anything where there’s not even space or colour or texture or light, senses getting all tangled up into each other, something being simultaneously bigger than the sun and smaller than an ant, voices unravelling like twine? LOTS OF WEIRD, BASICALLY

There’s no nice neat right way to describe that, and if there was, it probably wouldn’t pack the punch it needs to, yeah? But I love that kinda shit, I get to pull from a bunch of really weird sensory experiences and feelings I have no real way to articulate and I get to use language in creative ways to evoke the same feelings, the same experiences, the same sense of fear and wrongness? I get to draw from weird shit to describe a bunch of weird shit that makes NO fucking sense whatsoever and that can’t realistically be tied up with words

Point is, they’re experiences I draw from in order to Get Real Fuckin Weird With Words

and getting weird with words in this specific way is CATHARTIC as FUCK dude it’s so good, it’s one of my favourite things. This is, like, the dark edgy version of what I talked about earlier in regards to worldbuilding and me painting a nice odd vision for people to share in hahahaha

“let me take you on a nice gentle stroll through my imagination” vs me supplexing you to the ground and beating the shit out of you with a bat 

And one other thing is just……. I’m sorry, I’m super tired, this bit is probably gonna be jumbled and wordy and maybe not super relevant but uhhhhhhh

So the unreality is not something I initially drew from any particular place in my psyche, but it IS something I’ve come to construct in a specific way, and a lot of it is something I build with the questions of like…… “How does a psychotic character respond to this input?” and “What does this scenery draw out in my character and how does it challenge them?” in mind, so I guess………… in that sense, there’s definitely still a fairly big impact? But kind of in a sideways way. The unreality is not so much based on psychosis, but it’s something I use to highlight specific elements of it, I guess, but mostly in terms of the skills it draws out

‘cause like. in ATDAO the only characters who kinda get to butt heads with the unreality aside from that one random dead car driver who may or may not be vaguely half alive in a state of horrific limbo are Jacob and Tris, and like

I don’t ever really frame Tris’s psychosis as some horrible terrible thing he’s burdened with that makes life a terrible living hell 24/7 but it is, like………. something he struggles a lot with over the course of the story, both in general terms and in terms of people not taking him seriously about the Extremely Real Fantastical Nonsense that’s going on and in general being hesitant to trust his perceptions of reality. And ALSO I guess in terms of just…….. the way he relates to the fact that he’s been dragged into some Extremely Real Fantastical Nonsense? And him wrestling with how he’s supposed to believe in something like that when no one else can see the evidence and everyone is telling him he’s just crazy, and how “ridiculous interdimensional dumbass sci-fi quest” is something that’s reserved for other people, because he’s already been there like four times already and it has extremely different implications for him

In terms of mental illness, all my protags have patches of the story where they make it through kinda “in spite” of their struggles with mental illness (though that’s a sentence I fuckin hate) and other patches where mental illness is just a thing they deal with alongside whatever plots they have going on…… but their experiences with mental illness are also something that gives them specific skills and perspectives and ways of understanding the world that are invaluable, and some of the most important parts of the story are the parts where they make it through specifically BECAUSE of those skills and perspectives

Which is kind of the Whole Thing With The Unreality, that’s its whole deal

The unreality is a fucking huge turning point for Tris as a character, because it’s specifically because of his experiences with psychosis that he’s able to navigate it so effectively, it’s because of the specific skills he’s developed and the practice he’s had in similar circumstances

not, like, the SAME circumstances, but things from other contexts that kind of, transfer, circumstances where the same skills are applicable

‘cause like, turns out, he’s really good at navigating confusing frightening hellscapes where nothing makes sense and mis-stepping can get you killed, because he’s had a whole lot of practice just like. existing as a person with psychosis in a weird apocalypse world where reality is collapsing in unpredictable ways. He spends a lot of his life trying to make sense of reality and figure out the rules and developing countless systems for navigating the world safely, which he often needs to adjust at a moment’s notice, or completely scrap and reconstruct. He’s had a lot of experience of just sorta waking up and whatever bullshit is going on he’s just gotta be like “ok cool so this is what we’re doing today, I have to deal with this, so how can I deal with this”. He’s used to grounding himself and problem-solving even under intense pressure and when he’s terrified and regardless of whatever objectively horrifying nonsense is happening around him. He’s used to sorting the horrifying things that are not dangerous from the horrifying things that are extremely dangerous.  

He’s basically the one character who can get tossed into the unreality and actually work with it and figure out the rules even though everything is screaming and glitched out and trying to kill him, he’s spent most of his life developing the perfect skill set for it

(and like, this is the first point in the story where he sorta realises that his specific way of viewing the world is going to be a strength rather than a weakness, but like. despite the fact that Tris is basically a walking panic attack he’s actually always been the one of the team who’s been the most adept at navigating daily life with the apocalypse, it’s just not something he’s ever really picked up on)

and uh

that’s kind of a vaguely irrelevant note to end on, actually

HEY THAT WAS SO MANY WORDS I’M SO FUCKING SORRY

I DON’T EVEN HAVE A NEAT WRAP UP TO THIS POST

MY WRAP UP WAS THAT SUMMARY AT THE START

IF YOU READ THIS FAR I HOPE IT WAS AT LEAST SOMEWHAT INTERESTING

[megaderping]

Dealing with some anxiety over the past few weeks about some stuff I dealt with growing up that didn’t fully sink in until just now. It is very personal. It is also very heavy. If you decide to read, please keep in mind that this deals with some pretty heavy baggage, including... Trigger Warnings: CSA, Incest, Abuse, Bullying, Ableism, Trauma, Aphobia, Homophobia Because this is a personal rant, I’d rather avoid reblogs. Thank you for understanding.

So. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with one of my cousins. She was a good 6 - 8 years older than me. At the time, I looked up to her. I thought she was cool and smart. I trusted her. Because I was so young, I didn’t think it weird that she described french kissing to me in great detail. I never told an adult. I was too young to know that this was not okay. This wasn’t even the last time, though. When I was in first grade, she was so eager to show and describe matters related to being a teenage girl and the changes therein. I won’t go into great detail- but the way she demonstrated this... It was definitely hands on. What bothers me is that at the time, it didn’t hit me that THIS wasn’t okay either. I didn’t tell an adult because I didn’t know I was supposed to. That this was sexual abuse. She did some things with me that- it only happened once, but it REALLY, fundamentally bothers me that my longterm reaction to this was... desensitization. Maybe that’s a form of trauma in itself? I dunno. But I was able to move on eventually when she wasn’t in my life anymore. Sometimes I tell myself I shouldn’t hold it against her because she was a teenager at the time with her own issues, but... I dunno. I didn’t talk about this with anyone. I didn’t really think about it, save for once in a blue moon when I was in high school and I was like, “...maybe that was messed up.” But if you asked me at the time, I would’ve said I was okay. But I’m honestly not sure if I was. I was bullied throughout my entire public schooling. People would punch me. They’d call me names. They’d make fun of me for liking cartoons and video games and come up to me with the most ableistic voices demanding I “draw them pokaymanz”. I was the one who had to go to the school councilor for being a problem. They didn’t get in trouble. In high school, I would go out into the pod to try and study and work on assignments because the very same people who had bullied me in grade school would not SHUT UP when we were supposed to be doing assigned reading. They were not punished. Nobody stepped in when I raised concerns- the best I got was permission to distance myself. I remember sitting on the bus one day in high school, minding my own business when these girls in the seat in front of me started making fun of my name. They started making fun of my appearance. The bus driver never stepped in. I got off the bus in tears. And this was hardly the first time. This was a problem from grade school ‘til graduation. 12 - 13 years of this. Sometimes when I’m at work, trying to do my JOB, my mind will go back to something a classmate said, something a classmate DID, and I’ll lose my focus. It’ll bring me to tears even though I SHOULD be over it by now. And this has always happened to me. People talking behind my back. Spreading rumors. Going to OTHERS to deal with their problems with me instead of talking to me because apparently human decency is too much to ask. People would spread rumors that I “pooped on the playground”. They’d say I liked to sneak into the boys’ bathroom. When I was in first grade, someone shoved a leaf up my nose. I still remember that, too. I remember being told by people I considered friends that we couldn’t be friends anymore because they had new friends who didn’t like me. I remember people being cruel. A lack of understanding. It turned me into a wallflower over time because I was scared to make connections and for a time I dealt with it by being cold and abrasive because I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I remember being asked on a school trip, “Were you ever diagnosed with anything?” OUT OF NOWHERE. To this day, I wonder about that... And I don’t know if I should seek diagnosis. I probably should? I definitely need a therapist, that way I can talk this stuff out with a professional instead of rambling on a blog post just to try and calm down from a random anxiety attack. I remember classmates and chaperones resenting the fact that I got left behind on that trip because I didn’t want to jaywalk. So I had to get help from some local cops who set me up with a cab back to the hotel because I was lost and nobody thought to look if I was left behind. People would talk down to me all the time, too. Treat me like a child. And why? Because I liked cartoons? Because I’m asexual and aromantic? GOD. I remember classmates in middle school were SO OFFENDED by my asexuality, too. I recall this one girl being like, “you better get a boyfriend or people might think you’re a ~lesbian~”. ...okay, first of all. What if I was? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m not- I don’t really feel that kinda attraction to anyone. But. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans, NB, etc, etc. THESE PEOPLE EXIST. People who are not straight and/or cis exist. And also, thirteen year olds acting like they NEED to rush into relationships... That’s. Extremely concerning to me. It always was. But I guess I was just... desensitized over time because of how sexualized the climate was during those days. And it wasn’t just at school.

I have a long history of RPing. When I was in middle school, I was basically pressured into RPing a nsfw situation by some castmates. I should have said no, but I was scared to. And I think, ultimately, that also led to me being desensitized. Because that stuff was everywhere. These were RPs with young teenagers AND adults as players and nobody put their foot down and said, “hey, maybe DON’T RP nsfw in a space with minors”. Nobody said LOCK those posts. Tag them nsfw. It was just there. Out in the open. I was fourteen. And I’m not here to say that all NSFW content is inherently bad or that every adult should constantly be monitoring every space. Internet strangers are not babysitters. I get that. But I do think it’s a problem when communities full of young teens AND adults are too lax on the former’s access to 18+ content. Because there’s a difference between someone ignoring age restrictions and warnings and accidentally coming across content or being pressured to participate in such content. Now. Over time, people wised up. Many of these communities DID eventually lock that stuff to 18+. But a lot of open meme and sandbox communities did not. There were posts that’d devolve into smut on a regular basis that weren’t tagged or properly warned. But because I’d been exposed to this kinda stuff for so many years- it didn’t hit me that there was a lack of moderation. I was taught that it just comes with the territory because “this is the internet.” So for a long time, I just... accepted that. “It’s the internet.” Even within the past few years, I held onto that mindset because... it was just. What I was used to. I didn’t like it, but I assumed that was just... how things go and to express otherwise was pointless. I still don’t condone online harassment and I do think people will take properly tagged fandom content way too far (even if I disagree WITH said content)- but this isn’t ABOUT that. Because properly tagged content establishes the boundaries that were so wholly lacking in these spaces. And the fact is, I don’t LIKE that I am/was desensitized. Because the truth is, I didn’t LIKE any of it. I didn’t like the scenario I was coerced into as a young teen through RP. I didn’t like how easy it was to just... stumble upon NSFW content on accident. It’s just... I dunno. I just don’t know, and I hate that I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t let it get to me. It’s just online stuff that happened ten to twelve years ago, right? It’s nowhere near as serious as the actual sexual abuse and the actual bullying... but I think it still affected me. And just like with my cousin before, I didn’t really... talk to anyone about it? It was a very different fandom climate. The early to late 2000′s were very different. And I think just... it bothers me. That it took this long for me to realize that maybe this stuff affected me after all. Like. I’m a CSA survivor and it only JUST now clicked that I am? What’s up with that? Like. I don’t know. I need a therapist. I think I’ve needed one for years given how often I fall victim to invasive thoughts, how often I get too scared to speak my mind, how eager I am to please EVERYONE and thus it is SO hard for me to confront people when I am upset or draw the line. I’m constantly worrying about hurting or upsetting people so sometimes I guess I’m cowardly. Because I guess it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed? Just... avoiding. Turning a blind eye. That’s probably not okay either. But I think the root of it all really is just from my childhood. How going to adults when I was bullied or abused never seemed to DO anything. So maybe I just developed a worst case scenario mindset. I just don’t know, so that’s why I need some help. So I can just... work this all out. I guess a part of me is just a little scared. And that’s stupid. Why should I be scared of something that can only HELP me? Ranting on tumblr can only do so much. But for now, just getting it off my chest is the best I can do. It’s a start, anyway.

[askalostn]

OOC: Mun here!

Hey it's been a loooooong while. Apologies. I've got an important update in regards to ask a lost N.

Straight to the point. I'm restarting the blog.

Why?

I... kinda don't like the art. Yeah I know I can redraw it but I've made my mind up.

I won't delete the blog but I'll reblog the asks onto my main blog (@kotekie) then delete them off this blog.

What does this mean for the blog? Well. Bad news. You guys still kinda have a long wait. Really sorry to disappoint.

Here's the long of why I'm restarting it aside from the art.

This blog is part of an Au. Well more exactly it is the au. Au...^2.

This ask blog is part of an Au called Good Intentions. A massive Clusterfuck of an au trying to involve as many (main game) characters as I can because I am a dummie who is very ambitious and really really love my angst (and fluff).

Without spoiling much of the plot imagine if two undertale aus crossed over but instead of just focusing on sans and sans alone it involved multiple characters and an oc.

Its stupidly ambitious and I am an overly ambitious person.

(I am also a dumb idiot who tries to take on too much at once.)

This au is basically years in the making. Well technically. Kinda. Eeeeeeh- okay two characters were years in the making the rest just kinda exploded.

Meaning I gotta do my research instead of jumping right in like i did with this!

To be fair I'm somewhat glad I did. It gave me a kick into realising I need to actually... y'know. Make the au instead of keeping it my head.

But yeah, this au is on the backburner for now. Because I really do want to make this good because I really do love this au.

Also gonna do some redesigns of characters for the au-

It's just one mun here and i want to make this work.

(Alsoigitsixthform((highschoolsquaredforyounonuk))whichmeansaskswilltakeages)

So in the meanwhile. Imma do character on my main and post stuff related to the au on the occasion. Please please please feel free to send me ramble requests. I love rambling about pokemon. Main is @kotekie.

I'm running two blogs of my own to help me develop my ask blog skills and art.

@askburningemmet

@formulafortheleftbehind

I'm a co mun on @ask-sanyou-trio along with two other lovely muns! So please check it out! ^-^

Thank you for your patience and apologies that you'll have to wait longer. But I hope when I do finally make it it'll be worth the wait.

Thank you!

[wayoutofwonderland]

I figured before I start blogging I should probably do an about post just on the off chance I do get any followers, although I’m only really doing this for myself if my posts help someone else later on then that’s cool too.

I dunno if I want to put my name to this yet but I’m 29 and a mother to three gorgeous kids. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) probably something like four years ago now after first being wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I did a bit of therapy and DBT and trialled some medication but none of it changed my life. I’ve been unmedicated since I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, who has recently turned three. I can mostly hold it together, in public anyway. But at home I am overwhelmed and irritable ALL the time and my brain feels like someone has scrambled it, but this isn’t new. It has always been a struggle for me to think clearly, organise my thoughts, and remember anything. Most of my life is a big blank space, I remember very little about my own childhood, or my children being babies, or any other part of my life. If it’s not happening right now, it’s practically gone.

I’ve always said if I could just throw the contents of my mind onto a wall to see and arrange my thoughts neatly it would be so much easier, but I can’t file what’s in there. I’ve got stacks of papers shoved into boxes and stacked on top of other boxes and someone keeps shredding and incinerating stuff without my permission. Trying to think a situation out or follow a train of thought is like trying to hold onto water in my hands.

A lot of things about me are explained by my BPD diagnosis. It’s a diagnosis I fought for, after being diagnosed with Bipolar I spent hours upon hours researching and I just couldn’t relate. I did, in my researching, stumble upon info for BPD and the more I researched the more I realised that it fit me. I could not convince my doctor. One day she snapped at me, ‘well, we can’t meditate for that!’ as if that’s what I was after.

Shortly after, I got a new doctor. My first meeting with him, I took all my research, my old journals, my numerous ‘could you have BPD?’ quizzes, and screenshots of the criteria in the DSM that I fit perfectly at the time. I walked in prepared for a fight and I pitched to him that I did not have Bipolar but in fact Borderline Personality Disorder and after presenting my case I was not quite prepared for what he said: ‘I believe you’. To this day it’s probably the most validating thing anyone has ever said to me. So I started on the meds and the therapy and got referred to a short DBT course and then finished other sections with my therapist. I stopped seeing her because she was leaving, and I thought I could handle things by then.

Since then nothing has really got any better and my life is still a mess. I seem unable to pin down my interests or a career I can stick to and I haven’t worked full time in eight years now, I did pick up a bit of work this year but it’s very casual and I haven’t been called in a while. I can’t even get the motivation to clean my house, the idea of getting up every day and going to work where I will have to use this fried, scrambled brain of mine is utterly terrifying. Almost any interaction with my children, who I love more than anything in the world, leaves me stressed and irritable, I’m always overwhelmed. There is three of them and one of me, and the noise is too much all of the time. It’s always so loud that I can’t think.

I have been writing it off as anxiety, as I know I have terrible anxiety. It was another thing that showed up like a beacon on the tests I did at the mental health place but I told her I wanted to focus on the BPD and so I assume it’s been noted on my official diagnosis, but I really have no idea. I used to have such a hard time that I couldn’t even pay for things myself because I couldn’t interact with the cashier, and I started forcing myself to do it and now it’s okay. I still get anxiety about it, but I can do it. Same with phone calls and meeting new people.

Other things aren’t explained by the BPD diagnosis. I figured it’s just me, my head is screwed and that’s just how I am. Then the start of this year, my son was diagnosed with ADHD (combined type). It was a diagnosis that surprised no one since we all pretty much knew already. Yet I’d never really researched it. He started out on medication and we’ve done a bit of tinkering with that and his school work is really improving which is really the only thing he needs his meds for at the moment, as he was really behind in school. And I kept researching.

Someone I know posted something on Facebook that I could have written myself, about her ADHD. I said that sounds just like my whole life but I thought it was my BPD. She and another of her friends (they both have BPD and ADHD) explained that there’s a lot of overlap between the two. I know that there’s a strong genetic link with ADHD, and that parents of kids diagnosed with it often realise it sums up their own lives too. I also know that my own brother fits the criteria for ADHD perfectly and has since he was very young.

But although I knew that ADHD is not just hyperactive little boys, that’s what I was dealing with, with my son so that’s where my research had mostly been focusing. And I didn’t fit any of that. I don’t recall ever being overly hyperactive. Nowadays it’s all I can manage to get off the couch. In school I was a good student, I did my work and was quiet in class, but didn’t really understand the work. I was a voracious reader and loved writing about subjects I was interested in. I could not grasp even basic math. I had the same teacher for two years who encouraged my love for writing and reading but would not put in any time or effort to teach me math. I eventually learned to tell time and count money with a tutor, but I still can’t do math in my head without counting on my hands or imaginary dots for addition and subtraction and if it’s not a low number, forget it, I can’t do it at all. I can’t do most multiplication or division. I have no concept of weight, distance or measurement. I have no concept of time. It seems limitless until abruptly I’m about to be late for something, again.

Im always late. If I try really hard to get there on time, I’ll be too early and have to wait around. My brain doesn’t want to work. I don’t have the mental energy for anything at all.

I stumbled across something about inattentive type ADHD. Hey... that makes more sense. I can relate to that. And that, and this... the more I find, the more I refined my search to adults with ADHD, inattentive type ADHD and women with ADHD the more I saw my life, the parts of myself I can’t explain, the parts that I thought were just me being a failure.

My kid has a meds review coming up next week. I asked his doctor how I’d go about being evaluated myself. She’s going to talk to me about my next steps when I see her on Tuesday.

If I’m evaluated and it turns out that the answer to the chaos in my head is not ADHD, I’ll take this blog down. But if it is, this may well serve as some useful info for someone else down the road who might be wondering the same thing about themselves and how this stuff works and how it feels. And it’ll be good for me to have a record of this stuff. So in the meantime, I will be reblogging my BPD stuff here and also ADHD posts that I can relate to (which is a hell of a lot) or that I think will be useful in helping understand my son, and I do not mean to offend anyone by reblogging those without an official diagnosis so hopefully no one gets upset at me for that.

I also know that nobody with ADHD will read all of this, at least not in one go, and reading it back to check for typos was too boring even for me but the rambling blog posts at least explain everything I want to say and most stuff that is relevant to where I’m at right now. Maybe I’ll do a separate TL;DR post summary.