#if someone’s skin is clear . Fully clear. they likely got lucky they dont have a skin disease

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

So I stopped bothering to treat my acne even though the treatment I was using worked. I saw significantly clear skin for the first time in years. But the reason I stopped is cause… I didn’t actually feel much better about my face. In fact, I kept obsessing over other aspects of my skin. The fact that there’s was still redness in some areas, for example.

I only started that treatment to spite my mom who wouldn’t listen to me when I said acne is far more complex to treat than practicing basic hygiene. She wouldn’t get off my ass for my acne either. I talked about an insecurity of mine irt not knowing how to talk to new people and she blamed it on my acne and it tells people i’m not confident??? (This was an internal struggle, people are nothing but kind to me)

It was just frustrating to me that I essentially opened up a pandora’s box of developing an obsession/insecurity over something that’s fucking harmless. The wash I was using worked, but that required dealing with my face burning even with the gentlest wash possible. It’s absolutely insane to willingly subject myself to pain for that

And I told my mom that I would have to use treatment methods that actually work like OTC creams or washes with salicylic acid. And 1. she indicated that she knew those existed but never bothered telling me about them (I had no idea they were a thing) 2. She told me that just washing my face every day (“without those Chemicals”) should be enough to get rid of my acne, ignoring the fact that my skin cleared up periodically regardless of whether or not I washed my face. Then of course she shifted the goal posts. Washed my face every day with water and that didn’t make a difference? I have to use more products. I used face wash products (without salicylic acid) in the past and I didn’t see a difference? I’ll need to use them longer than 2 weeks if I want results. Of course I’m welcome to waste money on something when I could just be doing it for free… 🙄

My mom doesn’t have acne by the way, and never really had much in her teen years. If you read studies on what causes acne, there’s quite a lot of mention of hair follicles. I have hair on my face, my mom doesn’t. She barely has body hair in general, she straight up doesn’t have any on her arms and legs. So I am just prone to developing acne while she isn’t, but she believes that she must be doing something right while I’m not.

So I used the wash out of spite, and saw results. But it didn’t feel worth it for the reasons I outlined before. I didn’t gain a better appreciation for my face, instead I kept trying to “fix” more and more because it wasn’t enough. If you desperately search for problems, you’ll find some. that’s why the beauty industry makes so much money, and I’ve always been against that. I think I’d prefer if I didn’t have acne since I keep picking my skin, however I see it more as a neutral trait that I don’t necessarily like but can live with. I can’t even really imagine having a clear face and I don’t even want to look “perfect” either. It’s just how I look. Who cares

[alreadyblondenow]

Sugar | 1

Jaehyun x reader // SMUT Summary: You’re just trying to enjoy your short break before going back to school, you met Jaehyun at a bar in the most creative way. Things got interesting after agreeing to hook up with him. Word Count: 3k Warnings: Mentions of alcohol, older Jaehyun, younger reader, age difference. If you’re uncomfortable, please click away. Explicit mature scenes, rough? sex. Note: there will be following chapters so the genre will change eventually to fluff, angst and smut.  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

It was the end of third term and you passed the first level of your thesis a real pain in the ass but you managed to pass. You and your circle of friends decided to celebrate at one of the city’s finest and expensive bar and get wasted to expensive shots and beers the whole night. No matter how fucked up you get from drinking tonight, someone will get you home safe and untouched. It’s been months since the last time you tasted alcohol and tonight you’re ready to drink any drink your friends give you.

You and your friends are collecting shots at the bar when a really tall man approached you asking if they can join tables with you guys to have fun. “To have fun?” You repeated.

“Oh its Johnny by the way” he introduced himself then points at the corner of the bar letting you know where they’re seated.

“We can play truth or dares, body shots, anything you guys like” he offered. Your guy friends are down and so are the others, you didn’t have much of a choice.

“First game for tonight” your friend Mark exclaimed trying to fight the booming music the dj is playing, “is dares! No truths because that shit is boring.” Everyone was up for it and you cant believe that Mark came up with that game, not that you’re scared of anything.

Joy spins the bottle and everyone was quiet, waiting for the bottle to point the first lucky player.  The person who will give the dare is the person on your right. And to your surprise, you’re sitting with one of the strangers. A guy named Jaehyun.

Everyone seems to get along fine, Johnny and Mark looked like close friends already even though they just met. And the person beside you, Jaehyun, kept the drinks flowing, pouring tequila shots for everyone. And the other guy, Yuta, was a joker. Kept everyone laughing all the time.

When the bottle finally points at you, everyone cheered for you because Jaehyun is the one giving the dare.

“Oh don’t worry, she can do almost everything. Don’t go easy on her.” Your friend Wendy shouts to Jaehyun and all of your friends agreed. Again, dares don’t bother you. You find it really fun. During Wendy’s birthday, she dared you to kiss Mark for 10 straight seconds, and you did, you even bit his lips and put tongue in it.

Jaehyun clears his throat and proceeds to his dare for you, he’s reaching for 8 shot glasses and pours tequila on them, the glasses are full.

“I dare you, to finish these 8 tequila shots and kiss me after, I’ll be your lime”

Everyone went, “Ohh!” and cheered for you.

“Failure to do so, you’re punishment would be, paying for this whole bottle” everyone went crazy because Jaehyun kept on challenging you. You wanted to fight back and challenge him too, so you did.

“If I do everything you said, you’ll pay for everything tonight” you challenge back and everyone went even crazier. He added 2 more shots to make the shots 10, “deal.”

You went on drinking with a smile, confident enough that he’s going to pay for everything tonight and you will go home super wasted, Wendy should take care of you.

You down the first 4 shots fast, everyone was counting. “1! 2! 3! 4!” You glanced at Jaehyun taking the last 5 shots continuously without breaking eye contact. You took the last shot slowly, making him wait for the most awaited kiss. He’s smiling already, really impressed on how you handle your alcohol very well.

You came closer to him and kissed him. His hands are cupping your face so he can kiss you properly. The taste of tequila lingers in your lips, and the taste of lime lingers on his.

Everyone was counting and it has been 5 seconds since you started kissing each other. Jaehyun tried to pull away but you grabbed his head, encircling your arms around his neck and kissing him more. You hear nothing but the heavy music, and you cant stop kissing his soft lips. This time you pulled away.

“Y/n you wild girl!” You hear them cheering, as if they cant believe what just happened. Everyone is speechless but somehow made them howling.

Going back to Jaehyun, you remind him the deal, “We’ll Jaehyun, you owe us” He nods with a smile on his face very satisfied with what you did.

As Mark introduced another game, you excused yourself and went to the comfort room. I cant believe I just kissed someone looking like a mess, you told yourself. You removed the small lipstick smudge on your face and straightened your dress. To your surprise Jaehyun is waiting for you just outside the ladies room.

“Hi” he started.

“Good game” is all you can say, not actually wanting to talk to him any longer so you walked passed him.

“Y/n can we...” you stopped and turned towards him again. “Can we continue what we started earlier?”

Wha he said startled you. If you’re really being honest, he kissed you really good and you wonder what other things he’s good at.

You can’t believe you agreed, leaving your friends at the bar, Jaehyun paid for all the drinks as promised. He took you to a fine hotel, a rather decent and expensive one for a hook up.

When you’re finally alone with him, he kissed you wildly not like how he kissed you earlier, it was wet and breathtaking, your lips burn from his biting. Discarding your sexy black dress, you caught Jaehyun admiring you. You unbuttoned his black buttoned down shirt, not leaving his lips.

Careful not to bump on anything, he walks you towards the room and gently pushed you on the perfectly made bed ready to be ruined and stained. You throw pillows at him trying to let him catch you in the huge bed but he catches you immediately, hovering on top of you. Savouring your soft skin, he gently kisses your shoulders down to your breast licking and kneading it already. You unclasp your bra from behind, Jaehyun throwing it somewhere in the huge bed and continued what he was doing with your breast.

Wet kisses trails all over your body, Jaehyun kissing your hard nipples making it even harder, “You have nice nipples” he whispers in between ��biting and licking your breast, all you can do is moan and run your fingers to his soft hair.

You feel him coming down slowly between your legs, leaving soft kisses on your abdomen and playing with your pink lacy panties. Teasing your clothed entrance, he removes your underwear slowly leaving you fully naked under him.

“On the scale of 1-10, how drunk are you?” He asked and waits for your answer before continuing.

“.5” you answer with a giggle, telling him you’re not drunk and all is good he can fuck you senseless. He let out a small giggle, showing his cute dimples before teasing you again. Looking at you straight in the eye while his fingers make you feel good. He looked hot and ethereal, almost looked like a sex god you thought.

He spreads your legs even wider and plays with your slit more before he removes his pants. He has a great body you thought, Jaehyun looked like a model who came out straight from a magazine. His Calvin Klein underwear makes him ten times hotter.

“Y/n you’re staring” he snaps out of you.

You gasp as you remember that your legs are wide open in front of him, trying to close them but he stops you. He grabs your legs, and dragged you down, leaving your legs dangling on the side of the bed. He’s in between your opened legs, you came closer to him, Jaehyun made you touch his perfectly sculpted body. You look into his eyes when your hand made its way to his growing crotch, he’s hard already.

You kissed his abdomen playing with his Calvin Klein underwear before removing it. His cock sprung free, almost slapped your cheek. You lick it for a the mean time leaving Jaehyun weak. You feel him trembling already but that didn’t stopped you from blowing him. You took him slowly, pushing his cock in your mouth your tongue doing wonders inside. You sucked him good and you made sure you never let go of his cock putting him on edge over and over again. Fucked up Jaehyun is so hot and he’s sweating already, hair cover his beautiful face from looking down at you.

Looking in his eyes when you feel hes about to come, you focused on licking and sucking the head of his cock, slowly and very slowly you push back taking him full in your mouth again then he cums. You felt him cum, a lot a and you swallowed looking into his eyes.

You winked at him and he pushed you back to bed growling while kissing your neck, hands all over your body. Kissing your lips again wilder than ever, biting your nipples making you moan with a soft, “ouch.”

You can feel his cock hard again poking your thigh, you hum stroking and teasing it again. “Cant get enough of my cock?” He whispers, leaving wet kisses or your neck.

His hand went between your bodies and you can feel him stroking his cock teasing, your entrance. “Oh wait” you stopped for a second, “condom” you remembered.

He sighed and and puts his forehead on top of your breast, that gave you tingles.

“I dont have one” he said, very disappointed with himself.

“Aaw. Too bad, I have one” you teased him again, his mood went back, “check my purse” he quickly get off the bed and grabs your purse.

Watching Jaehyun rolls the condom on his thick cock, your mouth waters about the things you want him to do with you. “Its only one so we’ll have to make the best of it” he said hovering on top of you again.

You bit his lip followed by kissing it with your tongue to put him on momentum again. It worked. Checking your slit if you’re still wet, he lines he’s cock to your pussy and slammed right in without any warning.

“Ah - you didn’t warned me!” You screamed, almost 100% sure you scratched he’s back with your long nails.

Fucking you slowly now, Jaehyun says his sorry while he’s making you feel good. You moan, when he change his pace from fast to slow taking his time on you, putting you on edge.

“Do you want me to spread my legs more?” All he did was kiss you hungrily as a form of answer. His right hand is on your left thigh, making you spread even wider and stopping your legs from closing at the same time. His other hand is all over your body like it has a life on its own, making you suck his thumb and puts it on your clit. The sudden action made your hip jolt, and your right thigh kicking on the sheet below. You moan beside his ears, letting him know how good he is.

Your hands are encircled around his neck, making him focus in you. Looking him in the eye while he thrusts hard and deep and your boobs bouncing up and down beneath him.

Searching for more feeling, addicted to everything Jaehyun does to you, you made him suck your right thumb while looking into your eyes, he gave you a wink and suddenly you felt your lower abdomen tighten, your eyes roll back and your body archs. You heard him giggle because he knew what he did to you.

With your long nails, you never intend to scratch Jaehyun’s back but he’s fucking you now through your orgasm, not letting go and his thrust got harder and sharper

“Jaehyun!” You moan his name, spreading you legs even wider trying your best to get out of the overstimulation.

Wanting to see his beautiful face, you raked your fingers to Jaehyun’s beautiful hair scratching his forehead accidentally.

He came closer to you, whispering sweet things and making you laugh while he fucks you nonstop. “You’ve been hurting me quite a lot, am I going to be alive after this?” You laughed but it turned out to be a load moan, he’s now kissing and bitting your nipples again as he picked up his pace.

Your head moving from side to side, gripping on his back more because of the changed pace. He bit the skin of your left boob a little too hard, it actually stings, maybe a little blood but you don’t care.

You grabbed his face and kissed him to prevent him from biting you again, and just a glanced to Jaehyun’s perfect fucked up face made you cum again trembling and shivering under him, moaning his name telling him to stop. But of course he didn’t, he chased his own orgasm and cums right after you.

“Oh, y/n” he moans, almost sounded like he’s about to cry. He pulls out immediately after he cums and discarded the condom, throwing into the trash bin. You pant, while trying to pull the white duvet to cover your shivering body but you’re just too weak. Jaehyun kissed the top of your head and covers your body, soon joining you in bed to give you heat.

Warm enough to make your shivering stop, you cling to Jaehyun so much, you can smell his body soap.

Forcing to get up, Jaehyun didn’t expect you to leave him so soon. As much as you wanted to stay, you cant.

With trembling legs, you forced yourself to collect you clothes and put them on again. Jaehyun looks for his underwear, and wears it again.

Not wanting to lose your touch so soon, he was planning to convince you to stay with him tonight. To his surprise he felt your cold hands on his waist, gripping it softly from behind it made him blush and smile so big his ears are turning red.

“Im sorry” He heard you apologising, but he didn’t know exactly why.

“What? Why are you apologising all of a sudden?” He asked, still not feeling the sting caused by the scratches that you made on his back. It almost looked like some type of animal scratched Jaehyun’s back, and you feel sorry because that animal was you.

“Jaehyun Im sorry. Wait please sit down” you exclaimed, pretty sure he doesn’t know whats happening.

You went to the bathroom to grab the first aid kit and some wet towels. You keep on apologising to him while you check the wounds, cleaning it with the wet towel.

Its weird how he’s smiling, maybe he enjoys rough sex but you’re certain that you can’t leave without tending his wounds.

Grabbing his face with both of your hands, scanning for other wounds. He’s quite startled he thought you’re going to kiss him, and you notice his ears are burning red it made you worry more. You pressed the wound on his forehead, he let out a loud “ouch!”

You’re still not wearing your dress, just your bra and underwear and to be honest Jaehyun thinks your hot while you’re tending his wounds. He tries to hide his growing erection, trying to avoid from being embarrassed.

“Im sorry. I couldn’t control myself” you put a bandaid on the scratch you made on his forehead still feeling sorry.

You’re too focused on feeling sorry you didn’t notice Jaehyun is smiling sweetly, he notice the bruised he cause on your boob and he suddenly panicked.

He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want to just grab your boob and put a bandaid on it he thought that’s rude. So instead, he apologised and told you that its bleeding. “Don’t worry about it, its just a small scratch I can manage” you said while putting on some clothes again.

“Why cant you stay? And sleep here beside me?” Jaehyun blurted out.

“Its not that I don’t want to... but I have class in the morning and I have to be in school really early” you fix your hair in mirror near the bathroom. “Don’t you have class or anything?”

“The last time I attended class was 8 years ago? I think?” He went back under the covers looking like a god with his left hand behind his head, his muscles flexing.

But what you heard made you shook your head, it made you dizzy for some reasons. You opened a bottle of water and handling one to Jaehyun thinking he might want some.

“So you’re telling me, we’re not on the same age bracket?” You asked not wanting to believe what you’re hearing from him. “Did you know that I’m younger than you?” You asked almost shouting at him.

“Hey, hey. Calm down.” He asks of you, “Believe me I’m almost as shocked as you are, but I don’t think there’s something wrong with it? Were both adults already”

“I had sex with an older man” you said to yourself, biting your nails while siting on a chair facing the bed. “How old are you again?” You asked Jaehyun, your frustration already visible.

“30-“

“Oh fuck!” You shouted, “Im only 23!” You shouted again not looking at him.

He’s giggling and he doesn’t looked like he’s bothered at all.

You gathered your false bravery, and you apologised to him. Telling him it was a mistake, “woah, woah, woah!” He stopped you from what you’re about to tell him.

“You’re making me feel really old right now. After giving me the best blowjob of my life and having sex with me just a few minutes ago, now you’re apologising?” He still looked calm.

“It’s just- It’s not my thing. Hooking up to guys older than me... Way older than me” you’re head starting to ache.

He let out a soft laugh, runs his fingers to his beautiful black hair and crossed his arms, “Well for someone younger than me, you seemed well spoken and mature” he bit his lower lip, “and for someone so young, you seem good in bed like really good. You almost made me cum so fast” He praised you trying to make you calm.

You put your hair up on a messy bun, making you ten times hotter. Jaehyun smiles again while watching you walk around the hotel room but felt a slight disappointment when he sees you putting on your heels.

The atmosphere was quiet and all you here is the sound if the ac in the hotel room, “Please. Mr. I had a really great time, but I really need to go”

So thankful that he didn’t stopped you from going home, Jaehyun thought he didn’t have any right to make you stay. He was scared to make you angry and to make you feel more guilty, so he let you go. For now.

And you left. You left Jaehyun in that cold hotel room, after he made you feel so good you’re almost positive you’ll never have a good fuck like that ever again. ................................................. Masterlist

[thenervousmedic]

I had a minecraft dream last night...

This is going to be a long post, but bear eith me, and take the time to read it.

I don't dream about minecraft very often. In fact this might be a first. I'm still in bed while writing this, as im afraid if I wait I'll lose a bunch of the memories.

It involved myself and a few members of the Dream SMP getting sucked into MC. Ironic, I know. Dream, George, Badboyhalo, Tecnoblade, Wilbur Soot, Tommyinnit, and myself. We all looked like our avatars... mostly, and even had some special skills i'll get into later.

To be clear, they were as they are in real life in terms of personality.

I've not watched the dream smp yet... maybe I should start soon. Anyway, side tracked...

The world worked differently than normal MC. It was more realistic, especially the combat and movement. Anything you can do irl you can do here. The drawback was that it made everything harder and more exhausting.

I was dragged in a month before the others, where over the next four weeks, I'd figure out how the lives system works; how difficult movement was; that crafting was nearly the same as normal mc; and how to build.

Five lives. There was a little tracker on the back of your hand, five squares for five lives. Each life you lost, a square would disappear. But it wasnt that simple. Every tine you died you'd feel the affects of the world more. Eating took longer, everything cost more and more realistic amounts of effort, and most importantly... taking damage would actually hurt.

On your first life damage was less of a danger and more of a 'stat' to just be aware of. Getting attacked, shot, exploded next to, ect wasn't too bad. But the more you died the more these things started to get scary. Arrows would tear their way in and ve painful to remove. You'd bleed and have actual wounds that needed care.

By the time the smp members were spawning in, I'd already been reduced to my last life. I was never good at minecraft, though im alright irl with a bow it didnt help much.

You spawn in unconcious. I'd lost my first life that way. I spawned above water. A painless drowning. I hadn't gone back to the ocean since, it scared the fuck out of me.

The first to arrive was Techno. I went back to spawn for the good sheep spawns there. Found him asleep in the grass. He was lucky no creepers had spawned.

Nearly everyone was bigger than me, I'm pretty small, so hauling this guys limp piglin ass all the way to my little safety shack was really hard.

Then Dream and George one after another. Badboy. Tommy... and finally Wilbur.

Wilbur was... a special case. He was a ghost. Just like his ghostbur skin had been. Fully awake, really freaking out. I was near collapsing from taking everyone else to my home, wasnt really much of a comfort, but I at least managed to convince him to come with me after the sun started to dip.

When we got back Wilbur helped me make beds. Couldn't have everyone sleeping propped up against the walls... Wilbur couldn't grab anything, but he could open and close chests. He also found out he could manafest things like his guitar, and a plushie orca. Things that made him a little less anxious. It was nice to hear music again.

I didnt get to talk to him long. We finished the beds, put everyone on one, then I immediatly konked the fuck out over the crafting table.

By the time I woke up, everyone was already awake and talking. The typical suspects. Why are we here, how, what happened, is this even real. You get the picture. I guess usually social anxiety, especially in the presence of people I admire so much, would've been a big stressor but after a month alone in this world I damn near started bawling at the thought of someone else even existing.

I told them all I know. We are stuck here, we have lives, dont fucking lose them it makes the game harder. The physics are just as janky as regular minecraft, mobs are much more articulated, armour actually has weight and at this point I wasnt aware of the little buffs everyone had to a particular skill.

Dream was incredibly good at exploiting the game's wonky system and parkouring, even of he couldnt nessesarily do it irl.

Techno was suddenly extremely knowledgeable about combat and could handle most weapons effectively. He was also a piglin-type guy which made him immune to fire.

George's coding skills translated directly into redstone knowledge, letting him build ridiculous machines with enough respources.

Tommy had incredible luck with loot and generally got good enchants.

And Bad was, thanks to his skin, some form of demonic entity and would be completely ignored by most hostile mobs.

Wilbur, as you know, was a ghost who could phase through anything and summon ghostly items.

We didn't find out everyone's special trait immediatly, of course. It happened over many days of trail and error trying to collect resources, build, and have fun.

Turns out my skill was useless by myself, hence why I never found it before they arrived. Anything I gave to another person was twice as effective. Healing items helped more, food would fill them on smaller portions, armour would get a free temporary enchant depending on what they needed.

I'd never liked playing minecraft alone.

I'm losing some of the dream, I shoukd wtite some bullet points down or this post will be miles long.

Tommy accidently befriended a wolf, he named it Wilbur to mess with Wilbur. We had two Wilburs.

Bad was constantly driven up the wall by peoples language but truly was using it as a coping mechanism early on because he was afraid of being stuck here forever. We made sure to swear occasionally so he'd get the oportunity to yell at us.

Techno lost his first life when a creeper blast threw him directly into Dream's sword.

Dream never got over it.

Wilbur started making more songs and even made a few targetted at the groups adventures.

Wilbur descovered if he goes into the floor he cant tell which was is up, this terrified him, he never went underground again.

George made automatic farms and eventually even non-minecraft typical things like a morning alarm clock, a compass that pointed to the nearest village, and invented new armour that was more lightweight but still protective.

Wilbur the wolf regularly barked at and mauled giant spiders before they got anywhere near the house, much to literally everyone's relief.

Bad learned how to read and write enchanting table symbols.

I taught Dream how to repair his clothes and in return he showed me how to build traps.

Techno learned he could talk hoglin, piglin, and villager.

Bad learned he could stare at endermen and mistakingly assumed everyone could so he told everyone else its ok to do so.

Tommy lost his first life to an enderman.

Wilbur worked with george for a whole week on special gloves that would let him touch stuff.

I took an arrow dangerously close to the lungs after Tomny's first respawn trying to bring him home.

Dream realised he couldn't take off his mask and wished he could see the world normally again, nobody knew what his vision was like.

Bad descovered a joy for cooking.

Bad also tamed a cat and named it Muffin.

Muffin the cat would ride Wilbur the wolf around.

Dream lost his first life to hunger after pushing himself for too long.

Techno took a wrong step in the neather and lost his second life to a seriously long fall.

I never knew what I looked like...

Tommy lost his second life being overrun by zombies without a weapon. We made a rule to never leave the house alone after this many deaths.

Bad descovered pretty late that milk is poisonous to him and thus cakes will kill him. He lost a life to cake. He was devastated.

Tommy built a cute campfire. He and Wilbur would mess around singing at it. Wolf Wilbur thoroughly enjoyed this.

I would stay up most of the night watching everyone sleep because I worried the house could get invaded or surrounded. They found out after Phantoms started spawning and made a rule that at least one of then would stay awake at night to make me feel better.

George built Dream an obstacle course with lots of moving parts and such. He ran it every morning.

I learned how to play guitar from Wilbur at the campfire.

Torches never burnt out after they arrived. No idea why.

That's all I can remember...

It was a hard dream, I was sad and angry sometimes... but the happy moments made it worth it.

I hope I return to that dream someday.

[corypheums]

i’m having them biracial blues and this is 100% a rant about my life written in some weird ass...i dont know man, i got up in my feelings and it’s hardly coherent but

gif credit, cuz i couldn't get it in the actual gif adder thing

i dont think ill ever forget schoolyard taunts about my thick, black body hair. or that my eyes were demonic because if the light didn’t shine just right, they could almost be black. or that my eyebrows were too big and oh they can see a little bit of hair connecting between them. i never forgot when the girls who were supposed to be my friends started calling me broccoli nose because it’s wider than theirs, you see. or when the boy i had a crush on and a boy who’d always been my friend decided that instead of friend, i should be their yard workers or maids or harvesting their food but its funny ha ha cuz that’s what mexicans do! i wont forget that my hair was boring and why is there so much of it? why is it frizzy? “because i dont have that problem!” said the girl with strawberry hair. and the color! black, but just shy of the inkiness that is beautiful.

i won’t forget that my skin was brown or that the little girl i ran into at toys-r-us, excited and chatty because she’s a friend i thought, walked away with her mother berating “you didn’t tell me she was mexican!” as i stand next to my red-haired, light skinned cousin. i wont forget that no one could say my name proper and it was never worth the effort to try and it didn’t matter if they’d known me for years because it was too foreign on their tongue and it didn’t matter. but heaven forbid i didnt properly pronounce theirs because “its not that hard!!!!” it’s only hard when its attached to someone like me, right? even when it comes from europeans just the same, forced onto my people like the blood of theirs in my veins as a result of their violence.

i’ll never forget thinking my abuser of seven years was so beautiful, right to the very end. i wont forget being eight years old and fighting against fear every time i saw her but going all the same because she was all golden hair and ocean eyes and certainly that means shes good. even as she tells me to shave my hands, my stomach, get rid of the nasty hair that makes me look like an ape. even as she tells me my mouth is too big, my lips look like they’ve been stung. i suppose we are taught, then, from youth to see beauty in our aggressors. for how lucky we are, just to be in their presence. i felt that, in some obscure way. desperately and with all of my being i felt that and hoped and prayed and wished that i could be her.

that i could look like her. it was all i wanted, to look like her because maybe then the world would look at me and see something pretty. something worthy of love. beautiful, and good in all the ways i was told - even without words - that i couldnt be. something worthwhile.

i wanted to look like the mom who raised me. the one i wanted to be perfect for even when she never asked me to be, never even implied it. because to her, i already was. she always told me i was beautiful. braided my hair and kissed my cheek and told me all the things i got from my family that lived across the country, some still in mexico, and why it was such a beautiful thing. do you know what it’s like, that the person who sees you as a treasure is the one no one would ever connect you to? to go out with your mom and your two friends, and people are shocked to hear that youre her child and not the blue eyed blondes? even with her brown hair and hazel eyes and no features to share besides, it was more believable that they were her daughters rather than you.

their only similarity being the color of their skin and yet the message is clear even if you can’t articulate it: you couldn’t possibly be from her, someone who belongs to the group that sets the standard for beauty and worthiness.

that wasn’t me, brown skinned and dark haired and with every feature that runs strong in my papa’s family. my tia said it herself, when i was born. “oh julie, im so sorry. she has the family nose” because she knew, too. my beautiful tia who has no need for shame and she knew that my moms whiteness couldn’t protect me because their features showed full force in me, left no place for my mom’s family to show itself.

i wont forget that the world told me from day one that i was less than. i would always be less than. it’s awful funny, that i lost my love of the outdoors when i first heard that it darkened you. no more summer days spent in the pool, fingers pruning but refusing to get out. no more bike rides, gone in the morning and returned by dinner. no more outdoors karaoke or baton twirling in the driveway. the tree i once loved is abandoned and the branches i’d climbed till i couldn’t any longer grow weak and lonely with time, missing the child who’d settle in and fall asleep in its branches. the warmth of the sun was something i deprived myself of for years with only the wishes of lightening my skin, getting rid of just one of the many things that separated me from everything i thought i should be.

but i found that it didn’t matter how pale i became. because, you see, it’s not a lightness that indicates whiteness. its an “i havent seen sunlight in a year” kind, one that doesn’t fool many and never for long. and how could it? my name would betray my heritage even if my features didn’t.

at twenty-eight, i still havent recovered. i havent learned how to live under the sun again. i havent learned to rediscover that kid that would wait for the weekend and the adventures it’d bring, step outside my door and into the sunlight and stay there in the world, under the heat of the sun until it started retreat into the night.

i wont forget that all expectations of me were based around what i looked like, what they saw in my name. how surprising it was, that i might know things. how unexpected it was, that i understood anything. after all, how could i deign to perform better than some of the other girls, the ones that were expected to go places when it was quite clear where most people expected me to end up.

it didn’t take long, for anger to show itself because it was easier to show that than shame, sadness. it’s strange, that at twelve, a black girl calling me a ���white bitch” was offensive for the first part rather than the last. white...white....the thing i wanted to be and yet i was angry when she called me that. angry even if i didnt understand why, at the time. but i do now. i understand the fury in my bones at that moment when she pushed me and i swung back, a kid noted for being quiet and well behaved because i couldnt believe that she saw that.

that because i was not darker then my struggle did not matter. that because i did not look like her, then my disadvantage didn’t exist. the one thing id yearned to be a part of felt like a fist to the gut to be sided with because...i wasn’t. it was the first time i realized that maybe there wasn’t a place for me. that i’d be doomed to be too white for all the people who could empathize with my struggles and too brown for all the people who’d been a source of them.

and it only got worse when people would thing, for appearance, that it was better. but its not a compliment to be fifteen and having a guy hit on you because he “likes them spicy” wink-wink, nudge-nudge. it’s not a compliment when someone wants you to be his spicy hot tamale. even when the things that were detriments about me aged into something desirable, it was twisted and tainted and never felt like anything close to acceptance.

and then....and then to get out of all of it, all those moments that tore me down and made me ashamed to be who i am and realize the beauty in my features, in my wide nose and big lips and dark hair all over my body. to learn to love these features that mark me as part of a people with a history so rich and roots so deep into the soil of this continent...to learn these things and fight against all those ideas and people who ever made me feel otherwise and then be told that it is not my place. that it isn’t true, what i said. that i am pale and so that means i am white and i don’t know racism because my mom is white.

it’s a unique thing, to be biracial, and i dont think people talk about that enough. one foot in one history, the other in another. both but not enough for either to accept you. and i know that truth, too. i remember family gatherings with my moms family. i remember feeling always like my brother and i were julie’s little mistakes. oh sure the words were not spoken but in a sea of white people who married white people and had white children...the contrast makes you aware.

aware that you are not a fit. aware that they will love you only if you never bring up your papa, never bring up the aggression against you simply for existing as a product of love and understanding between people from such different worlds. little whispers about your papa that you wont understand for years as your mom shakes her head no, no, he’s a good man because her love has never gone. changed, perhaps, from what it was. but steadfast and true. they criticize him for his drug problem but she tells of a man who always took responsibility for his failings, always admitted his wrongs, never harmed a hair on our heads.

a good man who is sick but a good man nonetheless.

both, but never fully one or the other. and they let you know that, too. even the ones you’d thought all your life were the few that accepted you fully. but then you argue, you fight to defend your people against the new husband of a cousin you loved so much. the anger...the anger feels like a heart about to explode because it isn’t all anger. its fear and sadness and hurt and the anger is what you grasp onto, inflate as you stand shaking to take a breath, get distance before a panic attack has set in. you do that a lot in life.

and you hate crying but you sit on the front porch doing it anyways. your mom knows better than to follow but your aunts dont. so they come and they talk and they try to ask whats upsetting because well we were talking politics, people don’t always agree.and you scream, voice breaking “he’s talking about my people!” because how could you have ever identified with whiteness? but you don’t find understanding or comfort. only your favorite aunt, the one you loved for so many years, the one you thought accepted you no matter what, says with just as much passion: “we’re your people!”

and you realize, in your mid-twenties after a lifetime of being mistaken, that the acceptance is only if you throw away a part of yourself. that only if you will forget your mexican half do you matter. that they would prefer to forget you’re not white because how can they possibly love you if you arent?

it’s a lonely thing, too. because your papa is sick and he did not do right by you in the all right ways. and you spend your childhood missing him, wanting to live with him because living with mom is too painful if that’s what it will be like. but it bitters, too. childish ignorance cant last forever and for years you are angry, furious, refusing to see his sickness as that and instead as a choice he made.

he chose to leave you. to stay with a woman who looks like him, to create a child who belongs. one who learns his native language and gets all that you dont. the good and the bad. it....hurts, that the first words your little brother says to you are in a language you cant understand because your father...he lived far away for so long and where else could you learn when your mom can’t speak it, either? he’s three and spanish will be his first language and age will bring anger that this is so when your attempts through your life just never seem to work.

you just cant seem to make the words right. they feel wrong on your tongue and youre sure it’d make anyone who knows the language laugh.

people often dont get why i am offended by being called white. because well, im not, for one. sure, my skin is pale but my features are not those of a white person. to reduce it to that is so offensive when my experience has been lived as a person of color. it’s rare that people assume i’m white. and yea, it makes me mad when they do.

because i haven’t benefited from whiteness. i have never been treated as it. ive noticed people treat me poorly by my name alone, before they’ve even seen me. my MOTHER has noticed this. she kept my fathers name and she’s told me before appointments made at new places, she is often regarded more rudely but when she shows up and they see her whiteness, it changes.

for me, though, the biggest indicator is that other mexicans seem to....know. its a blessing and a curse. its adorable when little mexican kids come up to me, start trying to say something in spanish. it makes me feel this...wanting. to be a part of that culture, to learn more that i havent been able to because im across the world from everyone who was meant to connect me to it. but it hurts, too, because its another realization of my defect.

that i am a part of them, but only partly. and not everyone is so kind. some will see my distance from my heritage as sign enough that im not a part of it at all.

this...really got away from me and honestly, i dont even feel like ive really scratched the surface. this wasn’t meant to be a “poor me” but to be honest.....just because people have it worse than i do, and i KNOW they do, doesn’t make my suffering less significant.

so much in my life i have been told my people of color that i cant say anything and i have no right to it and this and that and whatever because my skin is pale. some try to make me say im white passing if i must engage but you know what...fuck that

if i was white passing, this post wouldn’t exist.

[amourtaes-blog]

love it if we made it

song choice - love it if we made it by The 1975

Kim Taehyung. The most beautiful man to ever roam this world, at least to me. Also goes by V, 1/7 of the K-pop boyband, BTS! Born in Daegu, South Korea on the 30th of December 1995 making him a Capricorn. Collector of ties and admirer of Sir Vincent Van Gogh. Known for his 4D personality and breathtakingly symmetrical face.  A burning passion to act as he was in the drama, Hwarang. Parades around in Gucci but was brought up on a farm with his grandparents keeping him humble. Adores his parents and is a family man. Has the cutest boxy smile and adoring personality, he's kind and a great best friend according to Jimin. However, Jungkook says his personality is indescribable. He finds the moles that decorate his body interesting, even turning one into an elephant and likes to entertain whoever is around and himself by playing music and making a live music video. He is the social butterfly of the group, always making friends wherever he goes. He's innocent and playful, stubborn at times but deeply cares for everyone's well being. Quite frankly, he sounds perfect. This description right here isn't enough to give you even a rough idea of what he's like. I could go on for days talking about him but for now, this can do.

It's the 20th of July 2018, a Friday. A new "The 1975" song was released, Love It If We Made It. The first line clearly shocked me causing me to stop listening after a few more seconds, "Fucking in a car, shootin' heroin," I clearly wasn't expecting that. The rest of the day went by as a blur. I did the occasional housework and moped about, still feeling upset and drained from the past events of the week. I've been listening to Ariana Grande's new song, God Is A Woman, although I wasn't keen on the title I gave it a try and found myself addicted. It was quite a boring Friday, a long day of nothing specific. Nothing, in particular, roamed my brain apart from a growing sadness that I chose to ignore. Yet, the banging drums of the new The 1975 song rang through the back of my head. No matter what I did or heard, it was all I could hear so I decided to give it another try. Of course, yet again, I loved it The 1975 never disappoint me and I always find myself loving their new music. But this. This was special. I say this with all of their songs but currently, it felt like it touched my heart in places I wasn't aware of. The chorus grabbed at my heartstrings making me feel so deeply in love and straight away my mind went to him.

It kept me awake for most of the night, not once did I get bored of this song. It made me feel everything at once and I love songs like that. Songs that make me feel uneasy because it's not easy to describe how they make me feel. The song wasn't even about love, but the vibe and beat made me feel like I was gonna run away with the love of my life and watch the sunset. Till 4, the song was on repeat, full blast as I got lost into the depths of Tumblr, adoring and examining his face. Every second passed and I hoped that I could run away but with him, watching the sunset and not giving a care in the world. Just focusing on each other.

Just before the sun started rising I started to head to bed, hoping to put myself at peace even though every cell in my body was awake, buzzing at the beat of the song. Yearning to hear it for "just one more time" but a light wave of sleep sat on my eyes, Very light actually, hardly 2kg. I packed up and headed upstairs not bothering to wash my face as my body ached with pain and sadness, still I ignored it. Crying for hours 2 days beforehand was enough to drain my body of any emotion.

Laying in bed was torturous, especially since the arms that engulfed me once provided me with tranquility but now the owner of the arms sat on the center of my mind. Multiple attempts to get a few hours of deep, comfortable sleep fell through quickly as I tossed and turned, my mind racked with everything but the need to sleep. The song also occupying my mind, the quiet of the room only making it amplify. It was all so noisy. The song and my troubles attacking me from every direction, not giving me any chance to fall into a much-needed slumber. Long sighs left my lips and the party beside me was not having it. He knew deep in my intellect was a bustling mess of thoughts. Curiosity got the best of him and he was speaking before he could register what he was saying in his head. "Something on your mind?" Gently I looked to my side, my vision being blessed with the heart-stopping view. "Is it that obvious?" I chuckled, now aware of how crazy I must've looked. His hand came to caress my cheek, the softest fingertips grazing over my flesh made me breathless. "Wanna talk about it babygirl?" He hummed, moving his hand down to my inner shoulder rubbing gentle circles to calm me down. I let out a big huff, I could keep this in and enjoy how his skin feels against mine or I could clear my head once and for all, it's not like I would get any sleep if I chose the first option. I bore into his eyes trying to figure out which option I should take, I was pulled out of my trance when I saw his eyes flick vigorously between mine; searching for my answer. "Sure," I cleared my throat and sat up, ready to let this out once and for all to the person I loved the most. He too sat up ready to listen and understand, compassion glazed over his eyes.

"No one loves me Taehyung!" I sighed feeling a small weight being lifted off of me. His eyes almost popped out of his eyes and he reached forward ready to interject, to tell me I'm wrong, "No don't," I stopped him "Let me," He sat back intrigued as to what nonsense I was mewing. "Repeatedly I've been told no one likes me or someone has a problem with me. My family said it and so have my friends over the years. Not one friend or family member I had didn't tell me they found faults in who I was. It got boring Tae and I started to believe it, I still do. Especially when you hear it from someone you love and trust fully. It hurts, it hurts so fucking much. I just feel unloved and that I've been lied to all my life. I feel useless and disappointed. Disappointed that I'm not enough for people and disappointed in myself for fully trusting people so quickly. I'm so lost and confused now, each day feels as if it has no meaning and I dont know if I wanna be here to deal with each day because all I can think about is what I did wrong and if I'll ever be able to be loved? I don't want to eat or sleep or interact with people that aren't my best friend. Each conversation I try to hold feels like a chore. I feel like I failed, I let people win over me, I called defeat while they carry on living their best lives. Now there's nothing left for me to do, I'm just living for the sake of it. Each day all I do is wallow in self-pity rather than moving on with the people who do truly love me because it's empty inside now, there's a big hole punctured in by the people who pretended to love me and care. If I think about my future I just think about running away from my current situation and starting afresh with my best friend. Going somewhere where I don't know anyone and starting new relationships but choosing carefully so I don't feel the same heartbreak again. I want a change, a new beginning, a fresh start." Tears pricked at my eyes as I poured out the worries that ached at my heart but a smile still creeping up on my face as I thought about being with people who truly love me.

"Leyya, I love you! More than anyone and I want you to know that. For me, you're everything and I mean that I promise." Tae lovingly confessed, his hands latching onto mine reassuringly. My smile slowly melted from my face, another worry itching at my head. "You don't Tae because you're not real! You aren't here right now; this is all a figment of my imagination. This is what I wish for every night, to be held in your arms and to hear your heartbeat right next to my ear as I sleep. To be your one and only, the love of your life. The only person you look at and the only person to be loved by you but that's not happening and it will never happen. You're Korean and 9 years older than me, a famous K-pop idol adored by many and you live in Seoul approximately 5,000 miles away from me. Lastly, you don't know me and you never will. Even if I do meet you, you'll see me as an ARMY, not as someone who you could possibly fall in love with. It sounds so ridiculous but this out of all things hurts the most, the harsh reality. I'm loving someone with my whole heart who doesn't even know I exist or how much I'm devoted to him. There are probably millions of people who feel the same, I'm nothing special just another in the mass of people. You made me fall in love with you from so far away and it wasn't how good looking you were or who you were. It was you, the real Kim Taehyung. I'm in love with how real and sincere you are, your goofiness and randomness. I love everything about you, the good and the bad, the ups and downs. I want to experience them all but I won't. Ever. It feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest as I say this but its the truth and I have to face that I won't ever get you, I won't ever be lucky enough to know you personally. You will always be Taehyung; my bias from BTS who I love so dearly but no one understands because to everyone else I'm just a teenage girl going through her one of many phases. If it's a phase why does it hurt to love you?" At this point, tears were streaming down my face and I was holding onto Tae's hand for my dear life, he sat there watching me come undone not saying a word because I was right and he knew it. The Tae sitting in front of me wasn't real, I made him up to help comfort me.

My breathing started to steady itself as I took all the energy I had left to focus on my breathing. We both sat in a comfortable yet endearing silence, I was thankful he didn't push or question my words instead, he let me get all the shit I was bottling up out. The sun started to rise and I felt sleep descending onto my lids. Tae sensed my exhaustion and laid down with his arms open, inviting me to join him. Sighing contently, a sleepy smile overtook my face. I snuggled into his side and clutched onto his body with my dear life, not wanting the moment to conclude. For once I didn't feel as heavy but there was still something there, eating and gnawing at me but like I always do, I chose to ignore it. There was still something more, some unsaid words that I didn't choose to air, I can't air them because it hurts too much to talk about.

The chorus of the song played but this time faintly without a jumbled mess of worries interfering, it spread bliss throughout my body. "I'd love it if we made it!" The words lulled over again and again. Would I be able to make it? Will this emptiness be filled with happiness or more sorrow? I'm aware he isn't real but I love how warm he is, despite it being hot, his warmth isn't only in temperature but he makes me feel safe and wanted. He makes me want to cry and jump in joy that he's here but cry also in despair as he's not really with me. I'm just holding onto the fact that what my brain made could be real. His embrace was secure yet relaxing, it didn't feel forced, it felt just right. My eyes slowly blinked closed and my limbs fell free against his body. A neat kiss was sweetly placed on my forehead and collected breathing lay close by your ear.

"You are loved!"

(i made my mom cry pt2)

[jourbiboo]

would you believe it if i said that id never celebrated a birthday before we became friends? to be honest, i don't even Know when my birthday is. aside from my year of birth i just remember having to bullshit something up when i first got enrolled in school and i never thought too much of it so here we are! funny how that works haha, i bet youd think that was weird if i told you, the weird kid with no birthday

funny how i expected you to put me on the spotlight somehow, when you first asked when my birthday was, as if you'd know it was a made up date and i was lying because people like me didnt deserve a birthday. but like any normal person of course you just accepted it, and those handful of birthdays i got to have because you always remembered and always made sure to make it special for me... in all its normalcy, in all its plain humanness... it was nice to have it applied to me. it was nice to have you as someone with a reason to celebrate me being alive, year after year

but even with all the wonderful memories from previous years ive managed to amass because you were there and always thought of something to make my day, i.... didnt think youd outdo yourself like you did this time

i blame it partially on just. how magical everything feels because i get to be a part of this road trip with you

its already pretty awesome to get to see all of these things with you by my side but. i dont think even insomnia can brag about a sunrise like the one you gave me. sure it sucked to wake up while it was still dark and i know i whined a lot because we had to walk so much among all those beasties and i was so sleepy but. wow...

for all the monochrome aesthetic you cling to so hard, you cant really escape, just how ethereal you look, when the sun wraps you in all its warm, gentle color. your eyes glimmer so deep, it's hard to look away, and tinged in golden pinks, there's a softness to your smile and face that catches my breath like a gust of wind. i was shivering like a dummy, and you made sure i knew that even as you handed me your jacket, and its wild how much warmer i got wrapped up in the scent and feel of you than from the jacket itself.

i nearly forgot about the pictures you granted me the opportunity to take, but ill keep the one of you against the sun near and dear

the trail back was fun and seeing that iggy made a special breakfast for us at the camp was. unreal. i still remember the days i was so scared of the others. but sitting them among them, watching them smile at the unrestricted way i showed how glad i was to receive their gifts... how amazing it is to be here. how lucky i am...

and then...

you stealing me away to the woods and my heart racing like a dumb giddy teen at you leading me, at seeing the waterfall AND the pool and thinking more pic opps with my best bud!

of course, nothing could have prepared me for the fact that you actually wanted to Swim...

and it's funny, because its not like we haven't done stuff like this before, like spend time in a pool all those years ago, be close to each other

but... in the sparkling clear water among the vibrant trees, years after knowing you and unavoidably adoring every single trait of you you've allowed me to nurture close... to see you smirk in unmasked mischief as you undressed as comfie as ever... god, the things that being this close to you does to my heart

and its so unfair because it feels like the more familiar we become, the happier you make me, the more cherished memories you build in my heart, the more that seems to coat you in pure golden warm light, the more that seems to make your eyes glimmer, or your smile soften, your whole slow-motion of navigating through life seem more mesmerizing, entrancing

i get down to my undies with the same unconditional trust you show, eager to make the most of this with you, and my heart is so full of this warmth you keep pouring, i want nothing more than to just goof around and make you laugh and relish in the bell like ringing of your happiness, and i also want more, so much more, but i dare not imagine it or even dream it...

and we splash around and we joke around and we melt into the water in turns, and the whole time my heart is bursting, and the whole time i keep thinking that if healing tender touch magic were a thing, then i wish i could be personally responsible for you never needing to see a doctor ever again

ive never felt anything this strongly or overwhelmingly, ive never understood anything less, or felt less like i could have it. as the sun goes down and we dry off somewhere between mischief and tension, my face hurts from smiling, my heart hurts full of all the reasons youve given it to smile too

to wait until the night rolls in fully in camp with everyone is a blessing, to be surrounded by laughter and friendship, for two seconds to forget about every single thing that sets me apart, and to belong, to belong, to belong...

were the last two ones out and even in comfie silence, i feel the quiet serenity of our shared smile, and i try so hard to remember every detail of being here, of surviving another year with you as my best friend

you tease me when you hear me yawn dramatically loudly one time to many, gently ushering me to our shared tent, against my unsteady steps and laying there flat on my back, gazing at all darkness, i could not feel more full of light...

i see the contour of you against the glimmer of the flames outside, the bright hint of a smile, the phantom tint of gold and pink on your skin

and how i crave to be those flames, to emphasize your lines with the kind of tenderness they write stories and poems about, that grows every time you show yet another dumb wonderful facet of you to me, the kind of tenderness i never thought id get to feel, and it almost feels like a cruel joke that it had to be for you, this worlds unattainable sun

god how much would you hate me, if you knew just how much sunshine you really shed on my heart, how long my mind really dreams of this reality with you

and yet this feeling continues, and having you near makes me just as happy as always, even if this is all ill ever get

how could i ever possibly feel sad, at this empire of golden pink light youve turned my life into so thoroughly

[day0one]

What they don’t tell you about surviving COVID-19

Counties where COVID-19 cases are growing fastest Republican senators refuse to back Trump’s 'treason' claim against Obama Chron logoWhat they don’t tell you about surviving COVID-19 Most people who catch the new coronavirus don’t experience severe symptoms, and some have no symptoms at all. COVID-19 saves its worst for relatively few.

ICU nurse Sherie Antoinette has seen the serious cases first hand.

The lucky ones — if you can call them that — recover, but not in the sense that their lives are back to normal. For some, the damage is permanent. Their organs will never fully heal.

“When they say ’recovered,’ they don’t tell you that that means you may need a lung transplant,” Antoinette wrote in a Twitter post. “Or that you may come back after discharge with a massive heart attack or stroke, because COVID makes your blood thick as hell. Or that you may have to be on oxygen for the rest of your life.”

Antoinette’s tweet prompted a flurry of responses from former COVID-19 patients, family of patients and nurses working on the frontline of the disease.

We have selected some of their tweets and are running them with minor editing for clarity. SFGATE makes no claims to their authenticity.

I'm currently in the hospital after having a heart attack caused by clotting that resulted from COVID 19. I have a stent in my heart and need to wear a heart monitoring vest at all times. Now I face months of recovery including physical and occupational therapy. I'm only 29.

—Dan

I went into acute kidney failure and needed dialysis. I now have asthma, chronic cough and an irregular heartbeat. I have conditions I never had before, plus I’m wiped all the time. I hope this gets better, but you [Sherie] are on the money. And, mine was considered a low-moderate case.

— Stephanie McCarroll

These are my observations (of hospitalized patients):

1) Everybody is so swollen their skin has blisters and is so tight it looks like it’s about to burst, from head to heel. And skin so dry peeling and flaky that to slather Vaseline on every shift is almost necessary — all over.

2) Everybody’s skin is weeping clear fluid and has sores and the skin just slides off with slightest turn or rub, all over the body.

3) Everybody’s blood is thick as slush. Can’t figure out what’s making it clot like that, but it’s dark and thick.

4) Everybody’s kidneys are failing. Urine dark or red, which could contribute to the swelling, but we don’t know yet.

5) Everybody has an abnormal heart rhythm. Not sure of the cause. But even without underlying heart problems, it’s not beating normally.

6) Seems counterproductive, but the ones that are not breathing on the ventilator have to lay flat on their stomachs to breathe better. And even some on the ventilator are on their stomachs. And the slightest turn for some is what leads to their almost immediate death. Bathing, cleaning and turning to prevent skin breakdown causes most to code blue, so a decision has to be made on which is most important.

7) Everyone has a Foley catheter and a rectal tube — incontinent of bowel and bladder.

8) Everybody on tube feeding. Everybody.

Never before in my entire career have I seen a disease process attack in this way.

— 20-year veteran nurse in NYC via Dr. Dee Knight

I spent 10 days on a ventilator last March with ARDS [Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome] and I'm still on oxygen. Going home is just the beginning of the next steps in recovering. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse. Please support and help anyone you know who survived. And wear a mask!

— Nurse @liveV4Vendetta

I'm just getting over a "mild" case after over two months. There's scarring in my lower right lung and my stomach and digestion are a mess like never before. But I'm coughing way less and can take walks again.

And, btw, this is the third time in two months that I've "gotten better." I'm just hoping it's the last and it doesn't all come back AGAIN.

— Eli

I’m a nurse on a COVID floor, I caught it. I am a relatively healthy 24-year-old and could barely walk up a half flight of stairs. My blood pressure skyrocketed, chest pain was debilitating. I’m 8 weeks out and still feeling the chest pain and shortness of breath. This is no joke.

— Alicia

I had COVID for over 60 days. I’m 33 years old, was super healthy, pescatarian, 125 pounds, and ran and did yoga every day. I couldn’t walk for two weeks besides a couple steps. It was the worst illness of my life.

I didn’t realize I had COVID symptoms for weeks. Here were the early signs:

- Waking up sweaty (I normally don’t sweat at night).

- Slight sporadic chills but no fever (or I thought I had no fever bc I only took my temp during the day).

- I could smell fine but would have weird smells like metallic or gas. Also, tasted metallic in the past 2-3 weeks. Apparently, a metallic taste or smell is related to lung problems.

- Loose stool but not terrible.

— Covid teacher (To read more about her symptoms and treatment, see her blog.)

I "recovered" March 29. I was born 65 years ago with chronic bronchitis that usually popped up maybe twice a year. Now, after COVID-19, I have acute bronchitis attacks 3-4 times a month and get winded walking to the mailbox.

— Hollis Charles

I got COVID in March, and in May, developed symptoms of encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome that leave me bedridden for days at a time. I’m so glad someone mentioned this so I know that I’m not the only one experiencing this.

— @PinkkYaYa

My mom worked on a COVID ward and contracted it, spent a month in ICU. She’s lucky enough to be home now, but she struggles to get up stairs and it’s going to be a long road to recovery. Thank you for everything that you do.

— Leanne

My coworker — an otherwise totally healthy 30-year-old — is still having issues breathing, two full months later. We’ve got patients coming back to the ER after they’re “recovered” because they can’t breathe or they get a blood clot. It’s so insane.

— Andi

I had it back in March and did 6 days on a ventilator. To date, I’m still short of breath with little exertion. I have pains all over that I have never had before. I’ve noticed I don’t urinate as much as I use to. And my legs & feet keep swelling so large no shoes fit. Even flops.

— Melly B.

I’m a healthy, active 23 year-old and I still have significant lung damage two months after I’ve “recovered.”

— Laney Whitney

Yeah, my mom "recovered" mid-May, except she had *nothing* left. Couldn't even eat or drink, they wanted to surgically insert feeding tube into her stomach. I had to invoke her DNR instructions, that SUCKED. She passed May 25. Thanks for all you do, be safe, good luck.

— @DevinCojones

Worst sickness ever. Left me and my husband sick and weak for almost two months. Almost killed my perfectly healthy 41-year-old nephew. Took down a 36-year-old friend with two bouts of pneumonia. Wear a freaking mask, people. How hard is that?

—Padma’s mom

My husband and I caught COVID two and a half months ago. While my symptoms were mild, he nearly had to be admitted because he couldn't breathe, and now, a month after he's recovered, we've discovered he has PERMANENT LUNG DAMAGE.

This is not “just the flu.”  It isn't.

— Sue Mii

I had a "mild" case in February. I wasn’t hospitalized. Still extremely ill with a myriad of symptoms, including inflammation and lots of pain for 3 weeks. I have no doubt this virus causes permanent damage. Talk with someone who's had it before you decide to go without a mask.

— Leicia Faye

—

[sneaky-mermaid-renegade]

Reflect

  Heres a story I wrote. Its my first one so prepare to cringe, i guess. But at the same time, plz enjoy!

 Mirrors. Little plates of glass meant to show reflections. They are said that your reflection in a mirror is actually your soul. You dont believe that though. In fact you always believed the opposite: that mirrors dont always show whats really there! Although really you've never proven it, but no one has proved the soul thing either, so you think your fine

   Growing up, you were lucky enough that you never really had to deal with your eisoptrophobia due to a lack of mirrors in your house. Although that may change very soon. Your father has recently come into a large sum of money. He intends to use it to buy a new house, so you and him can move out of your small, beat up, apartment. You haven't seen the new house yet, but your father says its “Victorian”. You dont know what that means exactly, but it sounds old. “Are you okay sweetie?” your dad asks, bringing you out of your thoughts. “yeah, Im good.” you answer. You stare outside the window of the car, watching the trees blur by. “Are we almost there?” you ask absentmindedly. “As a matter a fact its right there!” your dad said enthusiastically. He pointed ahead to a big house off in the distance. It looked like a haunted mansion, except maybe a little smaller than a mansion. But not by a lot. 

   The car slows to a stop in your new driveway. You get out and start to haul some boxes inside. “You go on ahead and explore the house!” your father calls from behind the rest of the boxes, “I think ill probably be a while!”. You go up the stairs, and try to grasp the door knob from behind the boxes your carrying. You eventually grab the doorknob and open the door. Its very dusty inside, and there are spider webs everywhere. You think maybe it will look better after a good dusting. You search room after room to find one to claim. As you walk down a hallway lined with doors you realize one one side there is a big gap, as if there is supposed to be a door there. You set down your boxes and feel along the wallpaper for grooves of some sort. There isn't any, or to your knowledge anyway. Your not ruling out secret doors until you ask your dad about it. You turn your attention across the way to the door on the apposing side of the gap. Peeking in you see that, compared to the rest of the house, this room is in pretty good shape. You pick your boxes up and move them in your new bedroom!

                                       *                    *                     *

   You start to move some chairs inside. The moving van had just shown up a couple of minutes ago, so you and your dad are unpacking your stuff. You set the last chair down with a huff, and decide to go get your posters from the moving van. You climb in it, and search around, until you finally find it under some old picture frames. You bring it into your room and start hanging them up. The first one you take out is a picture of a lion sitting on a rock. You like lions. Mostly because of your zodiac being a Leo.                                                          

    You are about to grab another poster when you hear the loud sounds of a hammer outside your door. Your dad is hammering up an antique looking mirror on space across from you that was missing a door. “Oh, hello dear.” he says looking up. “what are you doing?” you ask confused. Your father puts his hammer down and steps to the side, revealing the mirror. It looked antique, and not very pretty. “I was hanging up this mirror here. I thought this little empty spot would be great for it!” You look at the nails holding up the weathered mirror. If they were holding the weight of the mirror without much effort, then that must mean there are support beams there. So much for a secret door. taking a step forward you peer into the mirrors glossy surface. For such an old mirror the glass was surprisingly clear, showing every detail of your face with crisp reflection. It made you uneasy. You turn towards your dad “Where did you get this mirror? I've never saw anything like this before.” Your dad grinned sheepishly. “Well technically its been locked up in the attic before you were born, your mother never liked it so i kinda just put it in the attic. I thought that since we moved it was time to put this thing back out into the open.”

   He picks up his hammer and leaves, leaving you alone with the mirror. You look into the mirror one last time before you turn to go into your room. Out of the corner of your eye you see something flash. You turn back around to see your reflection in the mirror, except somethings off. You almost look like . . . your glowing? You shudder and go back to your room to unpack. you never did like mirrors, and this one seemed very off.

   It was a couple days after you and your dad fully moved in. You lie awake in your bed staring at the ceiling. Finally you roll over and check your clock. It was 11:00 a.m. You decide you’ve been in bed for far too long, and climb out to eat some lunch. You walk into the kitchen and start making a sandwich. Your dad was watching some TV in his room. You feel like this day will be extremely uneventful.

   A knock on the door pulls you out of your thoughts. You open it up to see a kid about your age at the door. You couldn't tell if they were a boy or a girl. Due to the fact that they had short hair and a boyish build, but delicate hands and a girls figure. You decided it would be rude to ask. “hello!” you greeted cheerfully. “Hi.” they said. “I heard you were new to the block, and came to meet you.” They were giving you bad vibes, but you didn't want to be rude to the first neighbor you met so you let them in. “Um, here, this way. ill give you a tour!” you told them. You led them to the hallway that held your room. You deliberately looked to the opposite side if the mirror across the hall. It still gives you the creeps after all these days. You saw your guest peering looking in the direction of the mirror, enamored by their reflection. You briefly glance their way, shielding the mirror with your hand as you led their into your room. You were probably just imagining it but they almost looked relieved when you deliberately hid from the mirror.

   They peer around your room, carefully taking in the details. “You must really like lions.” they said peering around. You dont know how they figured that out. You have one lion poster, and two lion plushies, but you dont think that conveys how much you like lions. Either way you really wanted to make a good first impression on your new neighbor, so you bit your tongue and answered yes. “So I saw you shielding your eyes from that mirror. You dont like it?” You shifted uncomfortably. “I guess you could say i have a bad fear of mirrors.” You said awkwardly. “You know I know a legend about a Special mirror. Would you like to hear it?” You glanced at your shut door, imagining the glowing mirror outside. “Why, not?” You answer. “Stories are a good way to pass the time.”

   “Well.” she began. “A long time ago, there was a young women who was in love with her own reflection. She would sit in front of her mirrors for hours, sometimes even days, only getting up when she was hungry or thirsty. So it was a huge surprise when she took her eyes off her reflection, and began to watch a young man instead. She gave chase and they got married. But to the young mans dismay, her fling was short lived and she went back to her own reflection. The young man was furious and heartbroken. He wandered out of the town and into the woods to clear his head. The longer the women sat at her mirror, the deeper the man went into the woods. Until one day, the man stumbled upon an old lady in the forest. 

   She sat on the steps of her caravan, which was littered with random objects. She stood up and asked “What troubles you?” The man, frightened by this stranger, replied “Nothing troubles me, I am merely out for a stroll.” The lady only smiled and said “People can only find this place if they have a problem that troubles them. So tell me, what troubles you so?” The man sat down and sighed. “My wife no longer loves me, and instead prefers her own reflection than my company” The lady stood up from here caravan steps and brought down a mirror. She held it out to the man and said “Give this to her, it will reveal what she looks like on the inside. If she is still in love with herself after 3 days then, it will trap her in the mirror for an eternity” So the man took the mirror home to his wife and gave it to her, But she still stood in front of it for hours. “Surely my wife doesn't have a soul so pure she is still in love with herself” he thought to himself. So one the third day he slowly crept into the room and opened the door. She was in front of the mirror, but instead of her reflection, a women with similar features to her stood in the mirror. The mirror women had horns on her head and grey skin. But no matter how inhuman she looked the women could not take her eyes of of her. Suddenly the clock chimed. It was the end of the third day. The man watched helplessly as his wife was sucked into the mirror.

   The man gently touched the mirror in disbelief, but pulled back when he felt a sharp pain on his finger tips. When he looked back at the mirror there stood his wife. from that day on instead of his reflection, all he saw was his wife. She yelled at him whenever he saw him, begging him to get her out. The man grew bitter towards his wife, and by extension, mirrors. Eventually he gave in and went to find the caravan again. When he came upon it he asked the lady if there was any way to free his wife from the mirror. The women refused at first but after relentless begging the lady agreed to help. “take this powder and throw it at the mirror when you see her. She will emerge from the mirror as a child, but only for a century. During that century she will have to travel in search of someone with the opposite problem she has. Then she shall pass the curse to them. If she fails then she shall return to the mirror” So the man went home explained it to his wife and poured the powder on the mirror. The women immediately left for her journey, and was never seen again by the man, who eventually remarried. They says she wanders the earth to this day, looking for someone who hates mirrors as much as she had loved them”

   They finished their story, and i realized she had slowly pushed me into the hallway. I could see the glowing of my own reflection from the mirror behind me. Looking back at them I realized they had a sinister look on their face. “That young lady was me. I will be tied to this mirror no longer!” She shoved me into the mirror. A sharp pain shot through my back, so blindingly painful that I couldn't feel anything. I watched around me fade into black, the last thing I saw was their face as it lit up like Christmas lights that had broken through their plastic casing.

You woke up in a dark room. Dust flitted about, somehow giving off a dim glow, like a firefly. You cant remember anything. You dont remember your name, or your likes or even where you used to live. You look around and find a square of light penetrating the darkness. Its a view old looking hallway, lined with doors. In front of the mirror stands a boy, about your age. You bang on the glass, hoping to get his attention. He seems to stare right through you, almost as if he cant . . .see . . .you. ‘Oh no’ you think, backing away from the mirror. You'll be trapped here, forever! The boy in the hallway puts his hand on the glass before yanking it back, surprise tainting his face. He looks back to the mirror before scrambling away from it, in shock. He wont look at it again. He saw you. “Hey, Leo, the lion!” a girl sounding voice calls affectionately from down the hall. “help me unpack will you!”. “Leo” wanders away towards the voice, and you start to feel a little better about your situation. Although something about what the girl said is tugging at the back of your mind.

You like lions . . .