#i get so annoyed with people who dont have acne at all and people ask them ‘omg whats ur skincare routine’

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

So I stopped bothering to treat my acne even though the treatment I was using worked. I saw significantly clear skin for the first time in years. But the reason I stopped is cause… I didn’t actually feel much better about my face. In fact, I kept obsessing over other aspects of my skin. The fact that there’s was still redness in some areas, for example.

I only started that treatment to spite my mom who wouldn’t listen to me when I said acne is far more complex to treat than practicing basic hygiene. She wouldn’t get off my ass for my acne either. I talked about an insecurity of mine irt not knowing how to talk to new people and she blamed it on my acne and it tells people i’m not confident??? (This was an internal struggle, people are nothing but kind to me)

It was just frustrating to me that I essentially opened up a pandora’s box of developing an obsession/insecurity over something that’s fucking harmless. The wash I was using worked, but that required dealing with my face burning even with the gentlest wash possible. It’s absolutely insane to willingly subject myself to pain for that

And I told my mom that I would have to use treatment methods that actually work like OTC creams or washes with salicylic acid. And 1. she indicated that she knew those existed but never bothered telling me about them (I had no idea they were a thing) 2. She told me that just washing my face every day (“without those Chemicals”) should be enough to get rid of my acne, ignoring the fact that my skin cleared up periodically regardless of whether or not I washed my face. Then of course she shifted the goal posts. Washed my face every day with water and that didn’t make a difference? I have to use more products. I used face wash products (without salicylic acid) in the past and I didn’t see a difference? I’ll need to use them longer than 2 weeks if I want results. Of course I’m welcome to waste money on something when I could just be doing it for free… 🙄

My mom doesn’t have acne by the way, and never really had much in her teen years. If you read studies on what causes acne, there’s quite a lot of mention of hair follicles. I have hair on my face, my mom doesn’t. She barely has body hair in general, she straight up doesn’t have any on her arms and legs. So I am just prone to developing acne while she isn’t, but she believes that she must be doing something right while I’m not.

So I used the wash out of spite, and saw results. But it didn’t feel worth it for the reasons I outlined before. I didn’t gain a better appreciation for my face, instead I kept trying to “fix” more and more because it wasn’t enough. If you desperately search for problems, you’ll find some. that’s why the beauty industry makes so much money, and I’ve always been against that. I think I’d prefer if I didn’t have acne since I keep picking my skin, however I see it more as a neutral trait that I don’t necessarily like but can live with. I can’t even really imagine having a clear face and I don’t even want to look “perfect” either. It’s just how I look. Who cares

[rebellum]

Most annoying thing my ex therapist ever did was repeatedly asking me why I don't like myself. This happened in so many sessions.

Literally like

"Why don't you like yourself?" [Not as I'm 'what don't you like about yourself' but instead 'what is the root cause of your low self esteem']

"I dont know."

"... Why DONT you like yourself?"

"I genuinely have no idea."

"Mhmm. But.. what don't you like yourself?"

"I actually have no idea. I don't know why I don't like myself."

"Why don't you like yourself?"

God she was such a shit therapist. The problem with therapy is yeah you can shop around but unless you're experienced you don't actually know what a bad therapist feels like. Like maybe this is just what therapy is like. Maybe all therapists do a mix of helping and making everything worse. Maybe all therapists try to get you to admit to having some Deeply Repressed Childhood Abuse That You're Hiding From Them despite having worked with you for years and knowing you weren't abused.

Like, I don't hate myself because mommy said she hates me. That never happened. My parents love me very much, even the one I'm low contact with very clearly adores me.

I don't think it's THAT ODD that someone who experienced, at a key developmental period in early puberty (ages 12-14):

2 long time childhood best friends suddenly saying "we don't want to be your friends anymore" with no explanation and literally never speaking to me again

being objectively unattractive from societal and specific cultural standards (VERY bad acne that took years of prescription medication to get under control), very boney to the point where people assumed I had anorexia, frizzy hair, small breasts)

Strangers randomly walking up to me in school and telling me "you could maybe be pretty if you wore makeup" and "you could be pretty if you didn't wear glasses, maybe"

Being one of a handful of black people, and the only mixed-race person, in a school of 700+

Only ever hearing white people called pretty, unless it was to comfort a poc for saying they don't feel pretty

Never hearing brown eyes called pretty (unless they're on a white person) (both irl and in media)

Never hearing brown skin called pretty (both irl and in media)

Not knowing how to take care of my curly hair, and not having access to a hair dresser who knows how to take care of kinky curly hair

The only time people being interested in me as a romantic/sexual partner was when I lied online and said I was 18 and exchanged nudes with adults so that I could feel like maybe someone could possibly like my body, even if not my face. (Except for my best friend who I secretly fell in love with who then later confessed to also be in love with me (this was a Whole Situation Though)).

has low self esteem. I don't think that requires secret childhood abuse. I think those reasons make A LOT Of Sense, Actually.

[fukurodianthus]

Its just skin

Synopsis: Self-love is not something that comes to you naturally. Years of self-depreciation makes it difficult to grow into the habit of loving yourself despite of the scars peppered across your skin.

But with your fiancé, Tooru Oikawa, you find yourself stealing glances into mirrors quite often. It catches you by surprise when you find yourself...beautiful?

Pairing: Tooru Oikawa X fem!reader

Genres: tooth-rotting fluff , a lil bit of angst thrown in

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: The reader suffers from body positivity issues and insecurities regarding her appearance.

Author’s note at the end!

(p.s. didnt proof read because im ✨lazy✨ might do it later when im feeling cute idk)

“Y/N-chan, can we leave already? We’re getting late for the party” Oikawa whined, tugging the sleeve of your shirt lightly.

“Tooru, stop being so impatient!” You pushed your whiny fiancé away and concentrated on covering up the acne scars and freckles peppered across your face with layers of concealer. No matter how much you tried, you could never make your skin look half as perfect as that of the girls who dominated your Instagram and YouTube feed. Every time you looked in the mirror, the taunting voices of your family members and friends would creep into your mind.

Oh my god! Whats wrong with your face?

Don’t you wash your face properly?

You’re never going to get married if you look like that Y/N! Do something about that face of yours!

Do you want me to recommend a good dermatologist to you?

No matter what the topic of the conversation was, people always found a way to bring up the topic of your skin condition in it. You could be talking about quantum physics for all they cared, they would somehow find a way to bring up the topic of your skin.

But they didn’t know all those sleepless nights you had spent on the internet looking for remedies, they didn’t know how you cried yourself to sleep every night, praying that you’ll somehow find that your skin had magically healed up when you woke up. But miracles didn’t happen in this world. At least for you, they didn’t.

You spent a humongous chunk of your salary buying medicines, serums, anything skincare specialists would recommend to you. But none of it could you fix you. Ultimately it all ended up in the trash and you ended up on the bathroom floor, sobbing as you looked into the mirror, face contorted with disgust and self-loathing.

But then, Oikawa Tooru stepped into your life. The first person who didn’t grimace as he looked at your face. He looked at it with childish wonder in his eyes, as if he was looking at something…beautiful?  Every night, when you fell asleep in his arms, his fingers softly grazing your cheeks, you felt an unfamiliar warmth blossom inside your heart. If he could love you despite your flaws, what was stopping you from doing it?

But years of self-depreciation made it difficult to develop the habit of loving yourself. There are still moments when you found you yourself drowning in self-hatred.

Take the present moment, for instance.

No matter how much concealer you caked on your face, it didn’t look half as good as you wanted it to. You let out a frustrated groan as you plopped down on the bed. How could you go to the party looking like this, especially when Oikawa would be by your side? Everyone’s appearance paled in comparison to his flawless beauty. Then how could you, of all people, ever stand beside him as an equal? You knew everyone would be comparing you with him behind your back, their jealousy-tinged voices emphasizing on how someone like you didn’t deserve to be with him. You’d always be an undeserving lover for him in their eyes.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” Oikawa’s voice was laced with heavy concern. “Do you feel sick? I told you to not eat that expired candy bar last night, but you didn’t listen-”

“Tooru, its not that. I think I look very fucking ugly right now and I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. I can’t go to the party right now, not when I’m feeling like this.” You buried your face in a soft cushion and let out a frustrated groan as you turned over on the bed.

“Y/N, did you start putting yourself down again?” You felt him plopping down beside you on the bed, wrapping his arms around your waist.

“Tooru, don’t lie to me, my skin still looks just as bad as ever.”

“You know, sometimes I wonder if astral projections are real.”

“What? Have you finally lost it?” Your widened eyes searched his face, trying to make sense of his words.

“If it was real, then I’d pull your soul out of your body make you look at your face through my eyes. Because there’s clearly something very fucking wrong with your eyes if you cannot see how damn pretty you are.” Tooru huffed, looking at you nonchalantly as if he was stating the obvious.

“Tooru-” you whimpered, turning on your side to face him.

Tooru and his horrible pickup lines.

Gosh, how can I not love him?

His chocolate-brown eyes softened as he pulled you into his chest. The sound of his heartbeat drowned all the cacophony of all the negative thoughts cluttering your mind.

“Y/N, I thought love at first sight was way too cheesy and corny to be real. But then, one day, back in high school, I saw Iwa-chan talking to you. You looked so fucking pretty, you know? The way you’d bite your lips when you were confused, the way you’d look down and let your hair cover your face whenever you were flustered, it was so damn adorable. I might have gone down on my knees right then, if Iwa-chan hadn’t been there. He’d beat the living crap out of me for playing my ‘disgusting tricks’ on his friend.” Oikawa took your hands in his and slowly drew circles on your palm with his thumb.

“Iwa wouldn’t have to beat you up, I’d do it without a second thought if you pulled any of that shit on me. I always found you very bratty, clinging to Iwa with that radioactive sweet smile of yours.”

“Wow, I was head over heels in love with you on first sight, while your first impression of me was that I’m a brat? No wonder you were Iwa-chan’s friend, you both are so mean.” He pouted, looking at you with playful annoyance.

“That was before I got to know you. Your brattiness started growing on me, gradually. Now I’m so used to it, I think I’d forget how to breathe if I didn’t hear your annoying voice every morning.” You chuckled at how his face kept getting redder with every insult that you threw at him.

“You’re used to my brattiness? Are you implying I’m still a brat?”

“Exactly. Looks like you do have a brain.”

“The most amazing setter on this planet doesn’t have a brain, is that what you’re trying to say?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but instead of asking me out on a date directly, you bugged Iwa to set us up on a date until he finally shouted at you in the middle of an English class, saying ‘Alright, Shittykawa, I’ll set you up on a date with Y/N, now stop running that fucking stupid mouth of yours.’ " You stole a glance at his face, savoring his flustered expression. "I’m right, am I not?”

Oikawa’s face reddened to the extent where it seemed that he would spontaneously combust at any moment.

"Tooru, c'mon, we both were emotionally constipated fools who could never ask each other out if Iwa hadn't stepped in." You softly ran your hands over his chest, savoring the warmth radiating from him. "Now stop pouting Brattykawa."

"You and Iwa-cha, both of you can never appreciate me before backtracking, huh?" He ran his fingers through your tangled hair, slowly massaging your scalp.

He knew it always calmed you down.

"Hey, did you really find me pretty that day?" You mind went back to how you looked the day when Oikawa first saw you. Greasy hair stuck to your face, cavernous dark circles covering your under eyes, face swollen as a result of pulling all nighters for a whole week. How could anyone, let alone Oikawa find you pretty when you looked like that?

"Can you not hold a conversation for 5 seconds without putting yourself down, huh?"

" I dont think I can Tooru. It still weirds me out that you, of all people found me beautiful when I looked like such a mess."

"Y/N I think we really need to try astral projections now-"

"Tooru, I'm serious-" You whined.

He chuckled, twilring your hair in his fingertips. "Y/N, after being with you for so long, I've realized something. You look for validation in the eyes of people who couldn’t care less about you. But when finally, someone who really cares for you and sees you as who you are tells you that they are truly beautiful, you brush it off. Why do you pretend that our compliments aren't heartfelt? Why are you so scared of being appreciated?"

Every day, when he saw you stealing glances into the mirror, he noticed how disappointment flashed across your face. He knew how you beat yourself up for not being pretty enough. You were never enough for yourself.

If your mind was a place, he’d waltz into it, shredding the self-destructive thoughts gnawing at you sanity into pieces. He’d untangle the mess inside your head, shattering the walls that bars genuine compliments reach your heart.

Oikawa wasn’t the best with words, not at times like this. But he’d give it his best.

He could feel the wet spots blossoming on his shirt, as you buried your face deeper into his chest.

"Oi!  You dummy! Are you crying?"

"To-Tooru I just think th-that I d-don’t deserve your love because I'm not as good looking as-" You choked out in between an onslaught of sobs.

“Hey. Hey, look at me.” He cupped your flushed cheeks and lifted your chin up, his eyes scanning your face in concern.

“Those fucking stupid scars on your face don’t define who you are, okay? Its just skin, Y/N, you are so much more than just…a piece of skin, you know? Honestly, we’re all just bags of flesh and bones if you look at it that way. Do you think I loved you because you were a particularly pretty bag of flesh and bones?” Even though you found his analogy slightly funny, you noticed how his face lit up with passion so you refrained from making any sarcastic comments. He was trying his best.

“Continue, Tooru. I’m listening.”

“I love you because of who you are. I love the way your lashes flutter when we stargaze on the roof every night, I love you how your hair is a tangled mess when you wake up, I love how your puff your cheeks in annoyance when I stop you from over-drinking coffee every night, I love how you whine when you spend hours trying to get your eyeliner right, only to end up smudging it when you rub your eyes absent-mindedly, I love how your eyes light up when I put an extra spoonful of Nutella in your sandwich…gosh, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

Your grip on his hoodie tightened. He looked at you, breathlessly, scanning your face for a reaction.

Your stared at your reflection in his chocolate-brown eyes, struggling to find the right phrases to express the way his words made you feel. You felt your heart race as if it was beating in pace with a rhythm set in by a drug-induced ecstasy.

What would you call this feeling of warmth that washed over you with every syllable he uttered?

“Thank you.” You wondered if you could’ve said anything better to express how much his words meant to you. God, where were a the fancy words you had learnt from corny YA romance books when you needed them?

But he didn’t need to hear your words to know that you’d been moved by his words. Fancy phrases could never tell him what the faint rosy glow of your cheeks could.

“Stop thanking me for stuff like this. It’s my duty, Y/N. I’m your fiancé for fuck’s sake.”

“You’re such a sap Tooru.” You giggled, squishing his cheeks softly.

“Yeah but you’re hopelessly in love with this sap, so deal with it.” His grip around your waist tightened as he nuzzled his face on your neck, his hot breath fanning across your collarbones.

“Now let me go Shittykawa, we have a party to attend.” You pried his arms off your waist and sat up.

“Babe, we’re about to get married in a few months, you really need to drop that stupid nickname.”

“Hmm, let me think.” Cocking your head to your side, you pretended to be immersed in deep thought. “Nope, not happening.”

“Don’t blame me for what happens next.” Oikawa sat up and tackled you to the bed, pinning your wrists by your side.

“Ooh, now that’s hot, Tooru”

“You know whats hotter Y/N?”

“What?”

“This.” He didn’t give you a chance to respond as his hands slid down to your waist. Your breath hitched in anticipation.

And then he started tickling you.

You broke out in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, kicking him, trying to get him to stop.

Two minutes later, you both lay side by side, panting, faces flushed with breathless fits of laughter.

You caught a glance of your face in the bedside mirror.

Even with your reddened face, tangled hair and smudged mascara, you looked…beautiful.

You felt beautiful.

As you nuzzled your face on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat rumbling in your ears, his words kept replaying in your mind.

“Its just skin, Y/N.”

Author’s note: ahhhhh I kinda wrote this in a flow?? Its a comfort fic/drabble???Idk what this is tbh. This is very self indulgent because I’ve suffered from skin problems(cystic acne ugh🤢) all my life, so I decided to comfort myself through this fic 🥺👉👈 . If only I had an Oikawa in my life 😩✋

N E ways, drink water, get enough sleep(lmao the irony that I’m saying this-) and remember to love yourself because you are beautiful!😤❤️I’ll come for your kneecaps if you put yourself down🤩🔪.

Reblogs would be highly appreciated!

[blxetsi]

Hi! Can I please request modern au hcs for Armin?

tysm for requesting !!

modern armin arlert dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

college!armin arlert x gn!reader

- okay so

- i think in a college setting you and armin hit it off really well

- i think you guys wouldve just accidentally kept bumping into each other, whether it be around campus, at some coffee shop, in the library

- it gets so frequent you dont even know if its a coincidence at this point, yet you cant help but hope that you seem him whenever you go out

- after ALWAYS bumping into each other and apologizing before making small talk, armin makes the first move

- mf just says "are you following me ?" to which you reply "are YOU following me ?"

- that night ends in you two exchanging numbers 🤩

- you find out that hes a humanities major, and wants to be a psychologist some day

- you also find out he has a paid internship at a research facility near the university you attend

- hes super sweet but also super humble, so he tries not to keep the subject on himself for very long, just wanting to know more about you

- as you two get closer he gets more touchy (not in a weird way)

- he starts greeting you with hugs now, and likes to have a light grip on your wrist when hes leading you through crowded hallways of the school

- he introduced you to his bestfriends and roommates, mikasa and eren, and they were really accepting !! (they already could tell armin liked you even if he didnt know himself)

- you start developing feelings for him about two months after you exchanged numbers, and you honestly felt really weird

- because this beautiful boy whos so sweet and kind and intelligent is like,, wayyyy out of your league

- armin thinks the exact same thing

- he thinks youre so cool and fun to be around, you always have the best stories to tell and are so welcoming,, its HARD not to fall for someone like you !!

- finally he gets up the courage to ask if you can come to his apartment

- and there he confesses 😳💥‼️

- you sit there shocked for a couple seconds too long because now hes freaking out like "im so sorry i didnt wanna seem creepy i just wanted to tell you how i felt you can leave or i can walk you home- wait you probably wouldnt want that but-"

- you just kind of grab his shoulders and start shaking him. before you tell him you like him too.

- the apples of his cheeks turn pink before he smiles and gives you such a tight hug !!

- hes immediately planning a date with you for when youre both free

- takes you to the local aquarium 🤩 and kisses you in front of the moon jellies (u know those big tanks with the jellyfish that are like glow in the dark ?? and the whole hallway is pitch black except for the lights from the tank ?? yeah ❤️ he kissed you THERE and it was beautiful)

- has chapped lips 😐 sorry i dont make the rules

- has a habit of picking them when hes working or lost in thought

- doesnt mean you stop kissing him tho

- is the kind of guy that will genuinely get worried if you send an "sos" type message. gets out of his own class just to speedwalk (he isnt gonna break the rules and run in the halls 🙄) and come to your class just to see if youre okay

- looks at you like 😐 when you explain you just need him to get you an iced coffee from that shitty coffee place in the cafeteria

- does it anyway even though hes annoyed 😌✨

- will grumble about paying him back for the five dollars he just spent on you while you kiss him over and over again in thanks

- doesnt let you pay him back though smh 🙄

- loves to give back hugs

- will do it while youre working, or while youre doing the dishes

- if youre shorter than him he'll rest his head on your and just smell your hair

- if youre taller than him hes shoving his face inbetween your shoulder blades

- is such a lightweight drunk its not even funny

- none of his friends are tbh 🙄

- the first time you saw him drunk was when eren dragged you guys out to a party their friend was hosting (literally interrupted your cuddle time in armins bed to THROW OFF THE BLANKETS and say "you guys are coming with me 😁👍" and when you two said no he TURNED ON THE LIGHTS and ruined the vibe 😐 fucking asshole)

- anyways you two had to change back into your clothes at 9pm just to go to a shitty party that was gonna get busted by the cops anyways 😔💔

- you couldnt find him through the sea of people, and u got really worried until armin called you

- it was not armin on the other line 😁👍

- he said his name was reiner ?? and he said he was with armin bc he puked while playing beer pong

- the guy tells you where they are and you go to find them. theyre sitting on this couch in a backroom and theres only like,, five people in total there ??

- armin is SOBBING while reiner is trying to get him to drink water

- "reiner you dont get it,,, theyre so beautiful. i cant compete. i dont even think theyd wanna be with me. and you have to see them talk about their major. theyre so smart you dont understand." "okay buddy lets just finish this water okay ?"

- armin is leaning his shoulder on this GIANT of a man just going on about how much he loves you and how amazing he finds you. until you tap his shoulder. and then he realizes youve been listening this entire time. and then he starts crying because he doesnt want you to find him weird. and then you have to explain to him that you two are dating. where he doesnt believe you still.

- eren ends up giving you the keys to his car and saying "ill just call you when i need a ride back" and reiner CARRIES armin to the car 😭😭😭

- hes a real gentleman 😁👍

- that morning armin remembers EVERYTHING and is MORTIFIED

- calls reiner immediately like "did people see me puke ? oh god am i gonna be talked about ?"

- has very vivid dreams and remembers all of them ?? will literally tell you about a dream he had when he was five and WILL NOT forget a detail. its weird

- his family actually doesnt seem like they like you 😳 not because they dont theyre just very,, quiet people...... except for his grandfather

- doesnt even care who you are to armin, will pull you down on the couch with him to tell you about all his research and findings as an archeologist (before he retired)

- if youre ever feeling sad about anything, whether that be stress, family problems, or body image issues, armins taking you to his place 😁👍

- he'll cuddle you and whisper how much he loves you while you two are watching something on his laptop

- has acne scars on his shoulders. dont make fun of him for it pls

- loves getting back scratches though, the tingles make him feel really calm

- if you have like,, makeup brushes and stuff he likes it when you brush his face with them, no product or anything but the tingles he gets from it 🤤

- over time his parents warm up to you quiet a bit, and when his mom shows you baby photos and from him as a kid youre SHOCKED.

- he had this little bob cut from when he was ten to his teens 🥺🥺🥺🥺

- when you two are walking back home or wherever you cant help but go on about how cute he was and how healthy and pretty his hair looked (not that its not healthy or pretty now) and he just giggles before pulling you into his side and kissing your cheek while saying "okay baby, ill grow it out just for you then"

- also loves the petnames baby, angel, and love

- will gladly let you steal his sweaters. has a really nice knit one that his grandma made him before she died. that ones off limits.

- doesnt like to fight, but when he feels like hes in the right he wont hesitate to yell back when youre yelling at him

- just dont yell at him pls, it makes him sad

- it takes him a while (and by a while i mean like 30 minutes at most) before his texting you asking if you guys can talk about it

- its really easy for you two to make up, and immediately hes hugging you and just asking if you wanna do something with him

- also, cuts his own hair ?? and would cut yours if you asked. mikasa vouches for him "yeah he trims my hair all the time. why ?"

- every year on your anniversary hes taking you to the aquarium. and he always kisses you as softly as he did the very first time, in the dark hallway of the moon jellyfish tank ✨

a/n

THATS ITTT !!! thanks again for requesting !! i hope you all enjoyed. remember asks are open !! u dont have to request headcanons either !!! go crazy friends !!

[futurewriter2000]

Hi!I know this is weird but i don’t know who i can talk to about this and you write the badass characters so i wanted to ask you.I kinda hate myself.I used to be able to fake it like i loved myself and like i was confident but in the last 2 years everything has fallen apart-including my family- and i do not have anyone to talk about this(i dont trust anyone).Anyways i hate myself in every aspect so do you have any tips on how to gain my confidence and start loving myself inside and out?

Before I start this, I just want to let you know that you are beautiful inside and out already and whoever tries to tell you differently, whether that is social media, family, friends or school- they do not know you. They do not see all the things that make you so darn beautiful and unique. There is literally nothing to hate about yourself when all you’re trying to do is be best of yourself. And everything you see on yourself, everything you  say you hate- that wasn’t given to you for you to hate it. Love made you, life, God if you believe made you this and you are stunning being who you are. Whatever you hate on yourself was not meant to be hated but accepted, so remember that. 

Loving yourself is actually such a long and hard process. Everybody starts their journey differently but I guess for me, I chose to change my mentality. 

I remember I was crying in the end of January last year because I was so awful to myself. I hated everything, just like you and I cried to the point I couldn’t see anything but the only thing I did see was 01.01. on my phone. I’ve been always drawn to number eleven since I started high school and it always bugged me of what it meant but I never looked it up but that night I was so annoyed that I actually went to look it up and it said that I should stop thinking so negatively about my life because all my thoughts are manifesting into my reality and that it is time to start thinking more positively. I can’t describe to you but the feeling I got was really odd. I felt calm and at peace for like a milisecond of that day.

So I started with thinking positively. And it’s so hard to actually think positively. Because days go by when you’re still crying on the floor or screaming at your pillow and you should think positively? But I did keep on with it. I tried to look on the positive side of things, no matter how negaitve it was. Sometimes it was extremely bad but I forced myself to just think positively and I kept saying that to myself when thoughts went dark. So whenever I thought “They probably think you’re annoying them.” - I just said to myself. “So even if they are, so what? I am annoying but I’m also kind and nice and beautiful. I can draw better then them and their situation isn’t as close to mine- so why would I care what they think?”

And you don’t even see it changing. You will think that it’s just for nothing, that it’s not working but it is and it shows months later. For me it started to show in July. I started at the end of January but I started to see it in end of July. Seven months. Seven months of doubts and crying and forcing myself to think positively when everything went to shit but it get’s easier. 

The first change, I notice now not like when it was happening- the first change was that night 01.01. The second change was around March, when I started to put effort in my hair and how I look and taking care of my face and brushing my teeth and all sorts of hygene hacks. I learned how to braid hair- like french braids and all sorts of braids. 

Then around June I started to workout. I wanted to get my body in shape and in the beginning it was hard but sooner or later I started. And I did it not because it was a trend and not because I wanted to do that weightloss progress or prove everybody wrong. I didn’t want people to know what I was doing. I just did it because of myself. I wanted to look good and feel good. I did change my diet but I still eat pizza and white bread and burgers and I don’t have a whole meal planned, I eat when I’m hungry and I don’t eat when I’m not hungry. But I DO punch that bag because it’s a great stress reliever and because my anger can punch something. I did go for a run to clear my head (now not so much because IT’S FREEZING outside). I did want to die on that matt doing mountain climber and shit but man when I tell you that results are BETTER than people make them be. Like you get up easier, you wake up earlier, you go to sleep with a feeling of accomplishment, you start to look what you put in your body- it’s like so much changes. 

The best thing I also did, was go back to doing the things I loved to do as a child. Like drawing and painting and astrology and reading. There is a quote that says something that some people go on in their life doing what they loved as a child and some people just grow up? Or something. I just totally recommend watching and listening to best quotes from greatest thinkers on youtube. Those really make you contemplate on your life. 

Surround yourself with people you want to be with. You know there is also a saying that says something in a way that your energy attracts similar energy. I remember when I started to change my vibration, my energy. When I decided to think more positively, when I was trying to built something out of myself, care for my grades, school, my body, saying how gorgeous I look and some people would just go “HAHAHAH! Sure honey, your hair looks like shit but sure.” and that pissed me off so much because yo, HONEY, that’s my NATURAL hair and IF I REMEMBER I LOOK FUCKING GOOD IN MY NATURAL HAIR MEANWHILE YOU LOOK LIKE A HORSE HAS LICKED YOUR HEAD ... straightening your hair like that. Like sometimes you just need to let your hair be your wild hair. Let acne be acne, pimples be pimples, cellulite be cellulite, stretch marks be stretch marks. It’s all so natural. You don’t need ton of creams and shit to try and change your skin and hair texture. Sometimes, you just need to leave it alone for 3 months. 

I spent so many times in front of a mirror naked. Not to like flex and shit like that but to see myself, naked and to actually find all the good things on me. You know when you’re clothed, you don’t see it but when you take everything off and it’s just you and your body and it looks more symetrical. It looks so natural and so beautiful. At first you might cry and feel sad that you look like this but you’re beautiful. And you lift your head up and you say “I’m gorgeous. I’m fucking stunning. I’m a bad bitch that has a nice fucking ass.” or something like that. I used to be insecure about my breasts (bc my sister was disgusted by how big they were and she didn’t mind to remind me of that) but now I look at the mirror and my boobs are THE BOMB! The bomb man.... the bomb. I love my boobs, no matter how big and saggy they might appear. They are boobs. Also pose. Man, posing can be so fun. I remember I posed like a greek statue and I actually liked how my body looked like in that weird ass position. Just have fun with your body. Accept it for what it is. Accept everyhting on yourself for what it is and stop trying to change it. Sooner or later you will stop giving a care in the world of what others think of it. Listen to yourself. Trust your own judgement and stop listening to other people who have no clue who you are. They have no clue who you are inside, only what you let them see. 

I would genuienly write so much more but if you ever EVER need somebody to talk to, to HYPE YOU UP TO THE BAD BITCH THAT YOU ARE! It’s me. I will never judge you for anything.. especially not because I know what I had done and thought. So trust the process and don’t give up. Think positively and accept yourself. Surround yourself with loving, caring people. Don’t be afraid to speak up or be yourself. Do what you love, be yourself. 

All the love <3

[axemetaphor]

wwwhats up its 430am I cant sleep and I dont think I've ever done an annoying headcanon ramble for jdate on here so here we fuckin goooo I'm on mobile but I'm gonna try my damnedest to do a read more and if it doesnt work and looks stupid well sue me

amy is the one routinely awake before the other two. I dont mean shes always the first one to wake up, but her back pain is more likely to have her up in the early hours of the morning. shes also the only one who has anything thay resembles q sleeping schedule of the three as john is just like, completely fucked in that department and Dave's insomnia/depression-sleeping fucks him over sometimes. basically amy Has A Brain and also lost likely schedules it so that she can be falling asleep as her pain pills take effect.

amy also is the one who's like fairly into self care stuff like fuckinuhhh face masks and shit—look, I dont inow jackshit about self care, but I mean amy strikes me as the kind of person to actually maintain her appearance in a fairly regular manner. john will just like "forget" to take care of himself and then just Be Decadent for a week and then "forget" again (either going on a bender or just actually being normal for once) and all dave knows of self care is "when I get the urge to eat an entire pie, and give into that urge, That is self care"

anyways Partially because of that I headcanon Dave gets acne like Pretty Much All The Time and hes just kinda stopped caring about it. amy gets acne Sometimes because it just like Happens. john is that one lucky motherfucker who just is somehow naturally immune. perpetually clear skin on this man. I hate him

also dave Kind Of strikes me as the kind of guy fuckign "3 in 1" shampoo is targeted towards the man just Does Not Care. other girlfriends have tried to get him into actually using different kinds of soaps and not just defaulting to "3 in 1 wherever I think soap should go" but its amy who actually succeeds in breaking this terrible habit hes had.

also I think that Despite his hair being described as frizzy and all that, John actually takes care of his hair. except for times when hes Less Than Functional. and also yknow when the world is fuckin ending but I doubt anyone really has time for a haircare routine when they gotta be fighting monsters and shit

amy again is just a normal person about hair. but shes the only one who can actually cut hair and tbqh I think she does it Pretty Well! shes no professional but shes not john either that's for sure (if you let john close to your head with scissors, well— it's your funeral, man)

this is completely projecting and also like totally Useless but I just think it would be funny if Dave has exploding head syndrome. if you donf know what that is it's a phenomenon-or-something where right when you're dropping off to sleep your brain just liek idk gets bored I guess? and comes up with some phantom Loud Noises to startle the shit out of you. it's great! and by 'great' I mean terribly annoying! but in general I think Dave is a Very restless sleeper so him suddenly flinching himself awake isnt exactly Abnormal.

amy sleeps like a normal human being Mostly, I think she Might be one of those sorts who likes to sleep curled up in the fetal position which is so very valid. she gets night terrors sometimes though because ✨trauma✨. the best way to comfort her with that is a tight hug cause I feel like her Main fear would be that shes all alone again and a hug sure does help people feel less alone I think,

john either starfishes out when he sleeps (also I headcanon he likes to sleep at least Partially on top of Dave and Dave only pretends to hate it) or grabs hold of something and clings to it tightly. hes a very light sleeper, though, and snaps awake at any loud noise or especially if he gets bumped into too strongly. this doesn't always play well with Dave's restlessness and tendency to Sleep Fight but they manage.

I feel like its fairly common to Assume john has tattoos but specifically I feel like a lot of his tattoos are things he or his friends have drawn, I wrote about it Once Or Twice but maybe not here so I'll just like say it again, I think he asks his friends to draw shit on him then goes and gets it tattooed later (or, hell, right then and there lmao) and it's like a Mark of Friendship. he claims Dave has drawn the most on him because Dave's his best friend but whether or not that's true, who knows. the first one was from Dave, though, and john did it himself stick-and-poke style the night of. that happened while they were still in high school and Dave was actually Slightly Embarrassed because what he doodled was just like really stupid looking and fuckin hell john now you're gonna have that on you forever what the hell man? but the rest of John's tattoos, if not done by friends they're either things he drew (I maintain he still draws in his downtime I love the idea of artistically talented john so much-) or weird shit he found online.

I honestly didnt think Dave would really get tattoos because he does state hes afraid of needles BUT as someone Also afraid of needles who paradoxically wants tattoos .. he could probably power through it and get like A Few. one of them is from John (stick-and-poke style, again,) and I am Not actually sure how many hed have but definitely less than John. amy only has that one tattoo that I keep forgetting when I draw her godfuckendammit-

John is the one who makes the most Food Monstrosities (Dave barely even bothers to cook) and he does this by making just the worst decisions both technical-wise (as in, hes Definitely the "just turn the oven temperature up to speedrun cooking" kind of guy) and taste-wise. dave on the other hand is likely to make terrible drinks like jack daniels + mountain dew which my buddy Ben so fantastically dubbed "jack and piss." the sheer Concept of jack daniels + mtn dew tho is thanks to that one kurtis conner video about becoming a country boy which is entirely unrelated but everyone needs to know. ANYWAY.

john and Amy like playing pranks on each other (and dave). they're in an ongoing low-key prank war and Dave is Mostly just spectating but sometiems they Conspire to commit mischief against him. it's annoying sometimes but ultimately more endearing than it is annoying so he never gets Too mad.

john and Amy absolutely have Gaming Nights(tm) that sometimes include dave as well unless they wanna play some like fps game, I'm fairly sure hes said he doesnt really like those. but they also can get Competetive which, dave tends to act as a bit of a buffer to keep them from getting Too into it ... but sometimes he gets a little competitive too. what I'm trying to say is them playing mario kart is absolute chaos and also an event i woudl buy tickets to

john has a youtube channel for sure. he is So obnoxious. he hardly has any audience because let's be honest his videos kind of suck— they're all either kinda boring vlogs or him recording the cases he and Dave go on (when he can convince Dave to let him) which are almost always declared Fake by the commenters. amy is subscribed to him. dave probably doesnt even have/use his own YouTube channel so he was not subscribed until john stole his phone and did it for him. (he never watches the videos) the videos are not edited much, I dont think any of them really knows too much about video editing shit.

dave cant fuckin do math.

John and Dave do Not know how to handle crying. like Dave's learned what helps Amy, in specific, but anybody else? clueless. Dave also just does not cry very often in general (shut up lemme project again LMAO-) and tends to just refrain from doing it even if he wants to/probably should, rarely ever actually breaking down and letting it all out; he'll stop himself from getting there/even crying much in the first place. he doesn't exactly have a Reason for it or at least not one he can recite (it's the bullying. we dont get details of how that was beyond The Locker Room Incident which I wont go into but I'm just going to project the rest of it was similar to shit I went through, It's The Bullying). John also kinda Doesn't Cry and actually hes even more restrained about it than Dave, because he won't even cry around either of them if he can avoid it and if it happens he 1) will Not address it, 2) prefers no one else acknowledge it, and 3) will Run The Fuck Away if it's acknowledged. they both try Really Really Hard to help amy when shes crying though, if shes crying for a Big Reason, cause they both also understand she just cries easily and doesnt always need or want comfort.

that,s all for now BUT if I come up with mroe. there will be a reblog. also these are not all like "I am the only one who's ever tho ig ht this" or w/e a lot of them are from me talking with other people or Absorbing much older posts on here because I read Everuthing I can find.

I sure hope I can sleep soon, this is probably mostly incoherent. gnight

[sonq-minqi]

50 questions tag

tagged by: @whoayoung thanks dude!

1. What takes up too much of your time? drawing

2. What makes your day better?

3. What’s the best thing that happened you today?

4. What fictional place would you like to go? Hmmmm idk

5. Are you good at giving advice? I like giving it but its probably pretty bad

6. Do you have any mental illness? Not that i know of

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? nope

8. What musician inspired you the most? Mingi because 1: i just wanna draw him all day and 2: honestly falling in love with him so completely during kq fellaz era and seeing him barefaced really made me realize that if i  can think hes a beautiful angel with his acne scars that i can think the same thing about myself and yeah. Self confidence i guess lmao

9. Have you ever fallen in love? Hm maybe lowkey

10. What’s your dream date? If it was first date maybe something like going to a movie or lunch kind of thing. If it was after ive been in the relationship for a while just chilling together and cuddling would be nice lol

11. What do others notice about you? Maybe that i read a lot? That i have no filter? idk

12. What is the annoying habit you have? Picking at the skin on my fingers

13. Do you still talk to your first love? Yeah theyre still one of my best friends

14. How many ex’s do you have? 0

15. How many songs are on your playlist? 375

16. What instruments can you play? I used to do piano

17. Who do you have the most pictures of? Ravi. i used to have 3000+ photos of him save don my phone but now i only have around 1500

18. Where would you like to go before you die? antartica

19. What is your zodiac? aries

20. Do you relate to it? Generally yes

21. What is happiness to you? Not really sure what this question is asking exactly, but for me, what makes me happy is art and when ur chilling with ur friend and they make some innocuous comment and you say something vaguely funny back and they just absolutely piss themselves laughing

22. Are you going through anything right now? Not really

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? Idk ive made many bad decisions in my life but none so hideous that they immediately stand out

24. What’s your favorite store? The produce store near my house because oreos are 3 dollars and instant noodles are seventy cents

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? Do what you want folks

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nope

27. Do you have a favorite album at the moment? Hmm maybe The Dream Chapter : Star?

28. What do you want for your birthday? My birthday just passed so i know what im getting but a carbon fibre dragon boat paddle!

29. What are most peoples first impressions of you? A lot of my friends say they thought i was kind of intimidating and mean?? Im pretty blunt most of the time so i can kind of see it

30. What age do you seem according to most people? Idk people dont generally comment on my age

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? Under my pillow because i want brain cancer if my tenth grade science teacher has accurate information

32. What word do you say the most? Probably like

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? I dont think i would date someone who’s not the same age at this point tbh

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? ^^

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? artist

36. What’s your favorite music genre? Ill be honest i still dont know what kinds of music go into which genres

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be? If i knew japanese, japan. As it is though, probably amsterdam or the usa

38. What is your current favorite song? Whenever by SBFive

39. How long have you had this blog for? 1 year

40. What are you excited for? To hang out with my friend tmrw

41. Are you a better talker or listener? Talker maybe? Neither is the correct answer probably though

42. What is the last productive thing you did? Working on an art project for school as i type this

43. What do you want for Christmas? Some pants cause i only have one pair that i wear outside the house at this point

44. What class do you get the best grades in? animation

45. On a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 8 not bad but not awesome

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? No fucking clue

47. When did you get your first heart broken? never

48. At what age do you want to get married? I cant really imagine myself being married tbh

49. What career did you want to have as a child? veterinarian

50. What do you crave now? Some milk but the milk at my house right now is a month old so i m scared to drink it

tagging: @ateezartblog @emotiadouche @softmingis @gothicmingi @hongjooong @sug-er

[jiminnamoro]

personality asks🌸could you answer numbers 2, 32, 37? please and thank you💙//anon from earlier🙃 (also a pic with you in a nightgown = nosebleed = yes please goodbye)

sdfgetytrwgs babie!! thank you for playing ♡♡ 

2. Are you tall or short? i’m…quite short…i’m 160 cm, aka 5′3 i think? thats why i always try to either wear heels or platform sneakers!! its frustrating :(

32. What’s the first thing you notice about someone? hm overall the vibes i get from them…thats a tricky question sjdjghs i don’t really give a shit about outer appearance tbh i tend to focus more on the attitude, if that makes sense? like when i first meet someone, i understand right away if that person is happy or nervous or annoyed :( 

37. Describe, personality-wise, what your ideal boy/girlfriend would be like? i really like non judgmental people, like, i wanna be free to be who i am around my partner, i dont wanna hide my acne or my stretch marks and if that person doesn’t like those things then i’m gonna show them the door because i’m honestly tired of having to look presentable all the time :( thats the most important quality tbh so i can work with everything else….if you dont mind me looking like a fat goblin without makeup then we can already start planning our wedding 

[mintyeggs]

ftm things that happen

so ive noticed some things that the doctors dont necessarily tell you when you go on testosterone, so here’s a helpful list from your not-so-friendly neighborhood trans guy so you know what to expect.  under a readmore bc its a lot, also if you have any other questions feel free to shoot me an ask/message

BODY STUFF

-acne will be more in the nose/chin area rather than the t-zone that going through female puberty causes

-you will cry a lot less, which isnt necessarily a good thing, sometimes it can feel like you dont have an outlet for your feelings which sucks.

-your clit will get bigger and start to uncomfortably chafe against your panties.  invest in boxers or other men’s underwear.

-speaking of clits, they get erect and yes its weird as hell the first few times you experience it but its perfectly normal.

-you will sweat so much more.  get an antiperspirant deodorant, and if ur pits start to stink, use rubbing alcohol to clean the area then put on a fresh layer of deodorant.  the dove brand is what i use, smells nice and is fine for sensitive skin.

-as your shoulders get wider you will find yourself bumping into things a lot more as you get used to it.  be careful going through doors.

-binders are hot and itchy in the summer.  feel free to put a swipe of deodorant under and between your boobs, it helps.  also don’t wear your binder for longer than necessary.

SOCIAL STUFF

-guys will slowly start to give you the chest bump handshake.  it’s jarring the first time you go in for a friendly greeting and you’re pulled in to bump shoulders.  just go with it, you’ll get used to it.

-if you haven’t seen a person for a while, they probably wont recognize your voice.  it drops dramatically, i went from high pitched femme to almost bullfrog deep.  

-people will expect you to hold doors and other manly duties.  

-you can make a lot of dick jokes.  specifically “i don’t have a dick” jokes.  it’s a good way to judge who you can come out to or not.

-you might start to idolize toxic masculinity.  it’s ok to have those thoughts, but keep in mind what you want to be, and if it will harm you or people around you.

-make sure your sexual/romantic partner views you as a man.  some people will try and reduce you to your genitals and justify that “its not gay/straight because you have a vagina” or smth stupid like that.  set clear boundaries and make sure you trust your partner.  don’t be afraid to rudely cut someone out of your life if they don’t respect who you are.

OTHER TRANSITION STUFF

-you will have to fight with insurance to get surgery covered.  they will try and weasel out of it and have you jump through an absurd number of hoops.  have your therapist/psychiatrist write a letter saying that it’s medically necessary to have transitional surgery and be prepared to be on hold for hours.  keep pestering the insurance company no matter how annoying you think you’re being.

-injections can be hard to give to yourself.  if you take the testosterone subcutaneously, be prepared to stab a needle into your stomach flab.  i was deadly afraid of it until about half a year ago.  don’t be discouraged, you’ll get it eventually.

-speaking of injections, here’s the method i use: 

1. buy your syringes and sharps (try and search for 25 gauge 5/8″ needles. the product code of the ones i use is AH+2516, nipro brand.) in bulk online, it’s much cheaper and its one less thing that you’ll have to wrestle insurance to cover. also buy bulk of the alcohol swab pads.

2. WASH YOUR HANDS.  then, after opening the testosterone vial (pop off the plastic cover) swab the grey metal/silicon bit underneath with the alcohol pad.

3. prepare your needle.  carefully and tightly attach the syringe to the needle (don’t take off the plastic cover over the needle yet) while trying not to touch the tip of the syringe or the blue part of the needle with your hands.  draw the needle to your specified dosage, filling it with air.

4.  take off the cover over the needle (don’t touch the actual needle part, you want it to stay sterile) and plunge it into the rubbery part of the testosterone vial.  push the air in the syringe out into the vial.

5. holding the needle and vial so the vial is above the syringe, slowly draw up the fluid into the syringe.  there will be bubbles and air inside the syringe at first, push those out and keep re-drawing the fluid until you have no air bubbles.

6.  take the needle out of the vial and re-cap it.  careful not to stab yourself yet.  Put the vial back in the box it came in and mark it so you know which one you’re using next time.  

7. swab the section of ur stomach that you wanna inject into.  don’t go too close to the belly button, there’s veins there.  try about an inch and a half away from the belly button on each side.

8.  slap that area of the skin as hard as you can.  this will make the needle hurt less bc your body is going “wtf the hell you just slap me for”

9. uncap your needle, stick it into the skin (doesn’t have to be fast, you can put it in slowly too) and SLOWLY push the injector down.

10.  quickly take the needle out, recap it, and use a tissue to press the area for a little bit so none of the testosterone seeps back out.  it’s ok if you bleed a lot fyi, that just means you hit a vein, and while it hurts, you wont die.

11. make sure you have a sharps container to put the needle into.  you can put the syringe part into the regular trash.  old plastic water bottles make great sharps containers.  to remove the needle from the syringe, twist the needle and pull at the same time.  

congrats you just gave yourself a shot.  it gets easier as you do it more.

P.S.: never reuse your needles because thats how you get gross nasty shit in your body.  if you fuck up an injection just toss the needle and attach a new one onto the syringe (get the air bubbles out afterwards)

that’s all from me now folks have fun be safe dont die

[chickenfetus]

ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ???? 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like 

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh 

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general????????? 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples: 

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them??????? 

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh 

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao 

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much 

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO 

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual. 

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me. 

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual. 

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good????? 

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

[goddamned-catnapped]

Personal rant-- Long af just ignore this pls

Ok so like i have a highly dysfunctional family-- my dad works out of my country but he never pays anything for us; not even school/college fees for me and my sis and so on. My mother also used to work outside and used to give the whole fam financial support but now she's retired. Mom and Dad haven't talked to each other for over 20 days. Mom has a stress facture in her ankle and has trouble walking. She also once fainted at her workplace but Dad still doesn't care. Dad has never done anything for us yet he says he loves us and so on and moreover he used to ask mom for money now and then. My relatives aren't nice either-- my mom has three sisters out of which she's the eldest one and the second probably doesnt even know we exist and ive never seen her and she's out somewhere in libya and the third is very selfish and has a lot of pride and the last fourth one is a fucking bitch-- always cynical and backbites and shit. My grandmother is also selfish and arrogant and does not let a week pass by without creating problems. I think I have depression-- no i KNOW i have depression and that's not because ive had the symptoms for just a week-- ive been like this for over 3 years or more. Moreover I cut myself first when I was 11 and even now people tend to think we are just following an internet trend. I also know I have depersonalization-derealization disorder because I have the symptoms. I wasnt able to tell my mother that i even had depression so i made my sis tell her (she found out by accident because she saw my scars) and my mother didnt really talk to me about it and instead took my symptoms (headaches & mood swings + hypersomnia; sis didnt go into much detail) as something that was not related to my mental disorder and said "Change yourself". I had stayed away from my family for over two and a half years to study alone with my grandmother and my fourth aunt and they are very toxic kind of people-- they remain nice and suddenly stab you with knives out of nowhere. I've suffered a lot because of them and because of the toxic classmates I had in 10th grade-- I made no friends there. i cant tell my mom because she already worries too much. But she sometimes screams at me if i make a small mistake and cusses and takes out the anger and frustration of other people on me. I always thought that we are a family so who would we scream at if not at each other-- understanding and shit you know. But when I feel suffocated and so fucking horrible inside i dont tell that to anyone so if I get even slightly irritated-- my mom cannot tolerate that either. She's a very meticulous person so I try to live up to her expectations and sometimes I really wish she'd at least say "well done". It really hurts honestly. It hurts a lot. I didnt want to burden her with my problems so I never said anything. She always talks about how she has suffered and what not. If she was bring irritated with me (which is very often), and i told her to not cause too many problems because I already deal with a lot She'd say-- (no she HAS actually already told me)-- What "problems" do you even have huh? Honestly, I try to keep up with this family. But I just really want to die. I dont know why my family has to be like this. I have friends now and I am a senior and all my friends always talk about stories about the funny moments theyve had with their parents and what not while I have none. I always keep a straight face when mom tells me about how awful dad is. It really hurts because our relationships are so strained that it makes me want to cry when I see other people's parents loving their kids and having a happy family overall. I dont even remember the last time we all sat together and laughed. I always help people but even now I dont know how to ask for help. These past years all I have done is cry behind locked doors, put on fake smiles and cut myself almost every single day. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize myself and I don't feel like I am me or I am my own person. "So this is how I look like to other people" is the first thought that comes to mind. Because I was so alone I made online friends but most of them were toxic too and its amazing how I have not killed myself yet. I dont like how my face looks and maybe I am the only one who is not happy with her skin color. I know it shouldnt bother me but I am slightly chubby, have acne (almost no one in my class has that) and I am brown. I try to think positively but it feels so fake and i get even more frustrated with myself. When i cut myself i (almost never) bleed but it leaves scars that takes months to heal even small scratches but even now my left arm is slightly discolored. My mom wants dad to provide us with financial support and so she tells us to indirectly take out the money from him like some sort of a politician. Why. Is this how the relations in a family work? I have to act like i am not affected by any of this because i dont want to make problems for my mother. But neither does she have time for me nor does she care enough. You know, I would live on streets and have diseases if that meant that I would have someone who would understand me. Even from when I was young, my sister was in another country and mom and dad were almost always out for work and i would be left with my maids. I have never had anyone to emotionally connect with. I really want to help and even though I am so talkative-- the words that are important to say never come out. When I talk to people, I don't recognize my voice and if I do, it feels very fake and i dont even like the words coming out of my mouth. I have become so mentally unstable that I became so hostile to an extent that I was about to attack my mother and thought to just kill her right then and there and the next day while she was talking to me, i just thought "this was the person i wanted to kill huh?" and that really scared me. I have never felt any love from my mom's side and have never emotionally connected with her so at this point I don't know how it feels to have a mother or a father. It's the same as being an orphan for me. Even surrounded by people, I feel alone. I hate that I cant say something simple like "I am in pain and I want you to help me". Whenever I get really angry or frustrated, if I dont cut myself, I either dont eat or I just become very violent with myself. I think maybe I just tend to introspect a lot (if thats what its called). When i finally did tell someone (a net friend) that i had depression, he just said 'you dont have depression' and when i was trying to console his friend and just told him that yanno i had depression but shit happens so you shouldnt feel so down and stuff, he (not his friend) made a group with me and my sister and said that i wanted attention so i keep telling everyone that i had depression. It was a long time ago but i still remember all of it. I remember how my mother slapped me once so hard that my cheek turned blue when it wasnt even my fault. I remember she was hitting me with some pole for something I had not done. Once she even told me "why did i even give birth to you" when she wanted me to just check out a dress and show it to her and dad and i just had a straight face on and that annoyed her cuz it looked gloomy or my annoyed face and shit. It has always been easier for her to tell others she is suffering and to scream at me and call me a bitch and other things whenever she feels like and wants to. She has never said sorry to me and almost all the times i have kept quite and i never told her about how i had felt like shit and wanted to cry and had suicidal thoughts almost all the time. All I have been made to feel is that its my fault and i have even tried to stand up for myself but no one ever listens to me or cares at all. Even now presently i am hiding my tears for some fucking dumbass reason that I dont want my mom to see it because if i tell her to leave me alone she will not listen. When i get like this and feel suffocated, I avoid eye contact because it would feel so intrusive if someone looked at me straight in the eye and found out all my deepest dark secrets. I am not the positive, helpful, happy, funny, talkative friend/person that I show to others because its all just a facade to hide the fact that i am actually a very pessimistic and cold type of person. I know i would have the coldest eyes if I ever showed that self. I envy people who are happy and have happy lives and I despise and hate so much that I want the people who hurt me to suffer so much that theyd want to die. And some times i hate everyone and want them all to die. At this point i dont care if my family dies because it feels as if they are just some people i know. My mother has just become an annoying roommate who demands more respect than is to be given to the average person is all. I dont feel like i have any relation with my father. Me and my sister's relationship is the "so close yet so far away". Yes, I am trash and an overall disgusting person who can never be as good as others nor be able to give others happiness or make things better for anyone and cant do anything except create more problems for everyone and cant help but sometimes be too nice to people so much so that i get hurt and so i become a little too cruel which again fills me with guilt and there is no in-between. I really just want to kill myself because maybe it'll do someone some good and if not.. then its still fine, I wouldnt care because I would be dead by then anyway.

[temporaryexpert-nyu]

(Above: Rania Fawaz, one of the most popular Dubai-based influencers)

Topic 2 Proposal: Social Media Influencers in the UAE

(I got very carried away you don't have to read all of this, just brainstorming stream-of-consciousness style)

I'm really interested in studying social media culture in the UAE. In particular, I'm thinking of female beauty/lifestyle 'influencers' based in this region. These are girls whose job is to use their influence (follower count) on social media (usually Instagram) to promote products and are thus paid for this (either in real money, store credit, or being given the product(s) for free).  

My older sister is one (@Hkouture on Instagram) and I'm in charge of scanning the contracts she gets. And it's so strange: they way they tell her exactly what to write, the way the caption is made to look authentic, ec

It’s a huge business now, companies have shifted from advertising on billboards and commercials to collaborating with influencers. It has its own lingo, algorithms, terminology. These people have so much power, the power of an individual can now be measured with a number and it's displayed on your profile next to the words "follower count".

What I've found, although this is just from my experience and not quantitative research, is that followers, especially the more 'active' ones, are young girls. By active I mean the ones who comment, the ones who like the photos, the ones who buy the merchandise.

I know that the biggest purchaser of merchandise demographically is girls from the age of 9 - 13, so there are instances of older women acting in a way to appeal to this particular demographic. This gets kind of creepy after 10+ years.

 UAE based Influencers:

-HudaBeauty

-Rania

-Dima

-Ola

-MoeVlogs and Lana

-BinBaz

I think that there are aspects to it that are insidious. I think that airbrushing being so easily accessible and commonly used is terrifying. Snapchat dysmorphia is so scary. These filters are put over your face so that when you see your actual face without filters you are taken aback, it looks uglier to you. Snapchat filters generally do these things: increase the size of your eyes, narrow your face/nose/lips, lighten your skin tone, blur out pigmentation/acne, erase dark circles and winkles, and lighten the color of your iris. Most filters make your eyes blue. I think it was fine when it was 'joke' filters (the dog, the rainbow) which were really obvious to see. But now there are filters that don't look like filters. They just adjust your face to fit this standard that influencers are pushing too.

Things that scare the shit out of me: CLINICS in Dubai ask influencers to come in, get WHATEVER operations they want as long for free as long as they post about it on social media. I've literally watched a girl get her lips done while she was filming on snapchat. It's all warm and friendly, the influencer, who you perceive as your friend, gushes about how easy/painless the operation was and how she's ALWAYS wanted it and how everyone should get it, oh and she has a 15% discount code you can use!

Modes of research

ethnographic work (lol)

Interviews

There are scholarly articles already in sociology and psychology about the impact of this

Points:

-Contrived authenticity

-lilmiquela = a ROBOT AVATAR created by this L.A based start up that is basically an instagram influencer. She has over a million followers and an elaborate backstory. She's…not a real person..

-People airbrush their photos beyond recognition. All influencers are beginning to look like clones of each other.

-Racism, cultural appropriation for likes, classist

-Consumerist culture. Buy this discount for that you need this

-Promoting products that are proven to be ineffective or harmful. Products that the influencer doesn't actually use. Laxative tea and waist trainers and hunger suppressing lollypops and "special" hair vitamins and collegen-infused water

-Influencer Idolization culture!! There are people who revolve their lives around a influencer, making fan accounts and fan art.

 UAE SPECIFIC:

-As usual, the UAE takes everything and hyper exaggerates it. Influencer culture is worse here than anywhere else. The surgery thing is pretty specific to here. There isn't that same backlash or distrust of influencers.

-Every girl I've spoken to who has lived in the UAE personally knows an influencer or has some degree of connection to one.

Think critically about what this is, what it means, and what we are consuming.

 Disclaimer: I don't want to be one of those 'oh technology is evil fire is bad thomas edison is a witch' people. I think social media is really cool and gives voices to people who couldn't before. It's really cool how information and awareness spreads. I like vines and ASMR videos. But theres's a difference between 'social media bad' and 'these aspects are particularly damaging to a group that are already under a lot of pressure - young girls, especially young women of color'.

OKAY SO THAT’S THE PROBLEM, which my project has to be a response to:

-I'm thinking of a comic or set of illustrations that points to this problem and sort of exposes it or forces people to think about it.

- I know that there is a lot of media that looks at parts of this, such as the airbrushing. But those focus on campaigns and corporations and brands, which we expect this from, not on the individual level. Or it’s just an annoying piece of ‘social media...bad...kids ?? dont go outside?..read book? nEVER” that some older white man who doesn’t know how to turn on a computer made.

-Inspiration: This very recently published comic called Snotgirl which is about the life of a fashion blogger, and while it has its own narrative, there are some panels that subtly point to the topics I discussed above:  

(The different hands retouching her all at once) 

(The choice of the teeth whitening machine is important, as its a very common product that influencers advertise.) 

(I just think the coloring is so smart here. The inking and coloring are done by two different people. Look at how, on the phones, the food is filtered to look brighter and more appealing than what it actually is.)

(The first panel is really interesting to me. They didn’t have to include all those notifications from strangers to further the narrative but it is saying something about real/artificial engagement and connection.) 

[greenexperience]

hi if i have to do all the aesthetic asks then so do u ily 💕

ur gay

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

- today in the car while i belted toto africa 4 times. the minimum quota of times i listen to that song in one day

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

- see theres lots of things about my life i would want to know but most of them aren’t like, gonna be good for me to know. so just tell me what i name my first cat or if my hair is pink when im old idk

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

-being not dead!

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

-yesterday i went on a hike with my dogs !!

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

-other than idk not die probably not

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

-graduate college, get rich, fuck bitches

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

-gay. green hair. but not my roommate, my OTHER gay friend with green hair 

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

-depends on how young childhood is i guess?

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

-LOL last week my life was falling apart and then i ordered the wrong sandwich so i sobbed for 45 minutes straight while driving through denver traffic with all 3 of my roommates in the car and lemme tell you they were shook

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

-hmm bad question i pick all of my friends together huddled on a blanket with hot chocolate and chocolate liquor 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

-? i do that constantly. isnt that kind of what im doing right now

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

-probably kelsey and shelby and madison, theys my roommates

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

-nope

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

-what kind of question is this?? all eyes are good eyes wtf

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

-THERES TOO MANY. lets go with this last bit of mary oliver’s ‘the summer day’ 

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.I do know how to pay attention, how to fall downinto the grass, how to kneel in the grass,how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fieldswhich is what I have been doing all day.Tell me, what else should I have done?Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?Tell me, what is it you plan to doWith your one wild and precious life?

this just?? sums up my year of college and my philisophy professor read it to us the last day and cried and it means a whole lot. the whole poem is fucking awesome too, you can find it here!

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

-”fuck”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

-quarter of it goes to my parents, another quarter of it goes towards making sure i can pay for college/food/bills/and the other necessities  etc so my parents don’t have to pay for anything, next quarter gets me an apartment in denver, last quarter goes to me and my sister for cool shit and concerts

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

-im too forgiving when i need to be harsh and too harsh when i should forgive. 

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

-calm down. kiss that boy, be best friends with his litter sister much sooner, tell your parents you love them. annoy your sister. and for the love of god ur gonna be okay babe just breathe a little

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

-neither. i describe myself as a 2009 scene girl and billie joe armstrong getting lost in an REI and having a baby. im the baby

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

-got two stick and pokes, a septum piercing and a bridge (only one piercing but i’ve gotten it done twice now) and holy shit i can’t wait to get more of both

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

-i wear minimal makeup except for highliter which i plan on putting enough of to horrify anyone who actually knows anything about makeup

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

- SIA keeps be breathin my dude

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.\

- CALM DOWN

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

- uhhh carlos santana, fall out boy x3, panic at the disco x3, twenty one pilots x1, paramore x1, jason mraz x1, barenaked ladies x1, and honestly theres a lot more but i cannot remember there are?? too fuckin many

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

- ghengs khan. and i want it to say ‘eat more pussy’ with his signature at the bottom

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

-not currently but in denver i did and it was very very organized and clean and perfect and beautiful

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

-well i either shower or wash my face depending on if i showered that morning, then i use apple cider vinegar mixed with water as a toner, olay moisturizer on my face, i clean both piercings, then normally brush and put dry shampoo in my hair, moisturize my tattoos then the rest of my body, then brush my teeth, drink some water, then lay down !!

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

- honestly not much

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

- i would never dye my hair. my natural bubblegum locks are all i could ever ask for

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

- i dont mean to sound like an ass but 5 isn’t enough i have a lot of friends. i choose, my roommates, my emily, my roommates sister and her roommates, carly & The Gang, nicole and jess, my sister, my friend brynna and every dog ive ever met. 

we’d go to a big lake

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

-magic wand that heals all illness, acne, wounds, etc. to fix all of it

-shapeshifting powers so i can be a jellyfish in my spare time

- talk to animals. because no fucking shit

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

-OOH HEE MAMA. i once had a panic attack and yelled at some dude?? i dont remember why all i know is i was in his house and scared and i feel bad about it. also we’ve all puked a lot but thats not exciting.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

-kill a dog

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

-toto africa because it’s all i listen to anyways and if i could only see one person i’d choose my sister and she’d kill me

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

-i wish there was a way to type vomiting noises

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

-a) yes i would and b) this is a weird question go away

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

- i would trust legit anyone to order for me it’s not that hard, i normally get a venti iced coffee with room, fill it to the top with half and half and thats it

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

-taking care of myself, petting my dogs, 

[sadrien]

what’s the stitch? | pt.1

on ao3

from the high school senior that brought you wanna chat? comes another chat fic that no one asked for

just so we're all on the same page, alya has the fox miraculous, nino the turtle, and chloe the bee. i latched onto this team of miraculous holders a while back and now i'm just throwing up random stuff. initially i wasn't going to write more than a small snip of this but @breeeliss​ is a horrible enabler (<3)

i'm still working on the dynamics for them, especially since they're still getting to know each other, so sorry if it's rough

anyway let's do this

18:23

Cat: What does this do? Oh COOL

Bee: what in fresh hell is this

Turtle: yo wassup this is rad wait lemme see…

Fox: HELLA

Ladybug: Chat what the hell did you do

Cat: Hey don’t blame me for being bored

There are fun settings on these things and I wanted to explore them

Fox: this is rad as hECK

Bee: i hate you all

Fox: this is going to be lit i cant believe i can text the crew through a weapon the magic whatevers that created these things knew what was up

Turtle has changed their name to michael angelo

michael angelo: hell yeah

Cat: Whoa what we can do that!!

Bee: this is going to be the most obnoxious chat ever i can feel it let me leave

Cat has changed their name to :3

Bee: holy shit let me out wait why the hell don’t these things have emojis i am personally offended

:3: Ah yes let me just call up the ancient gods and ask them to install emojis on our weapons

Bee: listen here you piece of shit

Fox has changed their name to foxy lady

Bee: can i give back my miraculous i don’t want it anymore

foxy lady: this is the best thing to ever happen

michael angelo: aYO

:3: I love it It’s like a less awful skype

Ladybug: Can we maybe try to keep this for talking about where akumas are?

:3: Hmmm

foxy lady: i mean we COULD

Bee has changed their name to beeutiful

beeutiful: ;*

michael angelo: yeah no way thats happening ladybug

:3: Its bonding!!!

Ladybug: Now I want to leave

:3: Awww join in on the fun my lady! Please??? Team bonding

foxy lady: @chat do u know how 3 get youtube on these things ive got videos to send

beeutiful: ummm what sort of videos?

foxy lady: ;)

michael angelo: if you send a meme ILL give up my miraculous

foxy lady: good we dont need u

Ladybug: Did you say team bonding??

:3: Yes that’s exactly what this is Duh

 6:13

michael angelo: well shit i really hope your kwami alert you of messages or something cause im actually going to use this the way its supposed to be used akuma at eiffel tower

 6:17

beeutiful: disgusting i’ll be there in a minute

:3: You’ll BEE there?

beeutiful: im going to punt you off the tower

foxy lady: i ws going to tell u 2 shut up unfortunate wheres the bug @

michael angelo: um??? backup??????? please????

foxy lady: OH right omw

 6:19

Ladybug: Ill be there in a sec

 6:48

foxy lady: i cant believe u all bolted like that i was gonna ask if we could do breakfast

Ladybug: I’m about to destransform, sorry! Ill talk to you all later but really since my kwami can only tell me that I have a message but not whats in it please try not to talk here too much I wont be able to tell whats important

:3: I can’t beelieve this

beeutiful: im literally going to rip your head off

foxy lady: everything is important anyway food i guess ill find some on my own then on my own pretending hes beside me :’(

beeutiful: @ladybug if you figure out how to mute this please let me know because oh my god

michael angelo: bro im just gonna snag a bag of chips before class

:3: Healthy

michael angelo: what was the last thing you ate cat boy?

:3: You’re going to judge me

beeutiful: im always judging you

foxy lady: oooooo

michael angelo: what are you a health nut or osmething cn?

:3: Not by choice

foxy lady: unfortunate

michael angelo: alright next patrol were getting super cheap pizza

foxy lady: and fries and milkshakes and possibly also hamburgers superheroing makes me hungry

beeutiful: ewwwww

foxy lady: dont like junk food???

beeutiful: no!!! its greasy and disgusting and sooo bad for your skin like who wants to deal with THAT

:3: Ok true I don’t have time to deal with acne

foxy lady: u both have unfairly perfect skin

michael angelo: ^^ true tho how do you manage that??

beeutiful: good genes and a fantastic skin care routine sure i’m naturally gorgeous but it takes a little work to reach true perfection

:3: So many different types of scrubs and creams So many that I could drown in them And also makeup Usually concealer and foundation every day

beeutiful: true my contour btw? art

foxy lady: thats cool but u havent seen my cat eye

:3: ;)

michael angelo: yeahhh makeup isnt my jam i suck at it 0/10 not attempting again

beeutiful: what!!!! makeup is EVERYONES jam i mean if you don’t like it whatever but with practice and patience you too can look as good as moi if you think you don’t look good with makeup on it’s just cause you’re not doing it right trust me

foxy lady: yeah bro if we didnt have these masks id totally do u up during patrol one night

:3: Add that to the list of things to do if we ever reveal our identities Makeovers

michael angelo: theres a list???

beeutiful: wait i thought we could never ever tell each other ever boss’ rules

:3: A cat boy can dream

foxy lady: do we think ladybug likes makeup

beeutiful: oh my god the most important question shit i’m about to detransform anyway check out my contour next time we’re out because it’s flawless

michael angelo: im out too ive been pushing it later dudes

foxy lady: and then there were two

:3: Benefits of using catacylsm at the end I guess

foxy lady: :P this miiiiight b difficult if we can only use it when transform eh w/e ill take what i can get

:3: Same honestly

 17:34

foxy lady: im bored and my actual friends are busy

 17:39

michael angelo: so we arent your friends then

beeutiful: i am not your friend

foxy lady: wow rude

michael angelo: what saving paris together doesnt make us friends?

beeutiful: as if!! being my friend is a privilege it’s like getting access to an exclusive club

foxy lady: soooooooooooo u dont have many friends then

beeutiful: fuck you i have plenty of friends

:3: Children please Ladybug is literally going to have my head

michael angelo: broski you were talking wiht us earlier

:3: Yeah but I didn’t have her glare burning holes into my soul the entire time

foxy lady: UR!!!!!!!!WITH LADYBUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:3: Yeah of course I’m with Ladybug?

beeutiful: and why exactly were we not invited??

:3: Parents need alone time sometimes

michael angelo: oh my god

foxy lady: #rude #betrayal #urnotmyrealdad #ettuchatnoir #whentheydontloveuback

beeutiful: stop before i hunt you down and stop you myself

foxy lady: #fucku

michael angelo: question is lb seriously that annoyed

:3: She’s not thrilled Hmmm how to Got it

:3 has sent a photo [selfie of Chat Noir smiling and holding up a peace sign with an unamused Ladybug in the background]

michael angelo: well thats a look i never want to face head on

foxy lady: rip u id face it down if it meant i got to spend more time w ladybug

beeutiful: fangirl much

foxy lady: oh shut up i kno ur the same

beeutiful: oh do you????

foxy lady: ummm yeaH i remember our first day do u

beeutiful: shit

michael angelo: i like to block most of that day from my memories

beeutiful: no one asked you shellhead

:3: Children please Wait really?

michael angelo: ehhh i mean it was really cool and life changing and all that shit but also i embarrassed myself in front of two of the most awesome people ever so yeah

beeutiful: kiss up

michael angelo: listen my dude i was not ready to be a superhero before this the most exercise i got was climbing the stairs to my apartment and the occasional run from akumas

Ladybug: To be fair Chat and I werent ready either

foxy lady: !!!!!!!!!! she speaks!!! ok but ive been prepping to b a superhero since i was like 4

beeutiful: same actually

:3: I watched way too much Sailor Moon not to be ready But I still wasn’t ready Lots of face planting

Ladybug: It gets easier and you have chat and I for help You dont have to figure this all out on your owns

:3: True Doing it by ourselves was unfurrtunate

beeutiful: moment ruined

foxy lady: im tearing up thank u i feel loved

michael angelo: ok so who wants to teach me tricks to get out of class and work for akuma attacks because bru h

:3: Uhhhh

Ladybug: Um

:3: You’re on your own good luck

beeutiful: wow you’re a great mentor we’re so lucky to have you

Ladybug: Be creative in your lies and dont repeat the same ones too often??? But also dont get too extravagant because then its a mess and gets out of hand Now stop messaging here its annoying!!!!!!!!!!!

 19:03

:3: Does anyone have cheese?

Ladybug: Chat if this isnt relevant I will end you

:3: I swear it is!

beeutiful: umm yes why??

:3: I need some We’re out and I didn’t realize Could you meet me somewhere with it?

beeutiful: i guess if it’s that important? what kind

:3: It is that important Anything If you have camembert that But anything

michael angelo: how is this relevant

:3: Grumpy hungry kwami

beeutiful: i have camembert how do you not have food for your kwami?

:3: It’s been a long week sue me Tower in ten?

beeutiful: i can’t believe i’m doing this but yes you owe me whiskers

 19:11

foxy lady: thisll be the weirdest brush contact paris has ever seen

[pixiesticksie]

3, 5, 6, 9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 19, 22, 27, 29, 30, 31, 33, 34, 35, 36, 38, 40, 42, 43, 44, 53, 55, 56, 57 (only if ur comfy!!), 59, 60, 63, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 71, 72 (only if ur comfy!!), 74, 87, 91, 94, 99, 102, 108, 111, 114, 119, 129, 131, 134, 137, 138, 139, 142, 143, 145, 148, 149, 150, 154, 155, 156, 157, 167, 168 ((i tried sending this once but i dont think it sent)) ((sorry for all the questions i was just rly curious!!

Oh my gosh. I’ve got my work cut out for me. Thank you though omg

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? 

Does pyjamas constantly count? Or, or, the boyfriend clothes that Yoongi wears.

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

@/savejin2k16 @/kasperquinn @/backseatofthetourbus probably.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Caution; short and clingy

9: Are you ticklish?

I’m extremely ticklish. Like,, tickle me and I laugh so hard I cry. I’m so ticklish. Everywhere.

11: What’s your sexuality?

Pansexual~

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

Oh my gosh. I love all three. But my favourites are probably coffee, then tea, then cocoa

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

I have two dogs and a cat and I literally go up to every animal I meet and I pat their heads and tell them they look nice today. I’m just an animal person

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

MERPERSON I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH THE LITTLE MERMAID MY ROOM IS DECORATED WITH THE LITTLE MERMAID I ONCE DYED MY HAIR ARIEL RED I LOVE MERMAIDS

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? 

jacksfilms. but of course I love love love markiplier, dan and phil, ryan higa, etc.

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

I do! Always. c:

22: Pet peeves?

Never bite into an apple around me or I swear to god I will rip your teeth out

27: Any phobias or fears?

Heights, spiders, not being able to breathe, losing loved ones

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

I’d like to~ I don’t know if I fully do, but I really love the idea!!

30: Favorite movie?

...The Little Mermaid

31: Do you get scared easily?

Yes actually lol. Jumpscares and stuff, especially irl. But omg I love horror and gore

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

12/10

34: What is a color that calms you?

Light and rich purples

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

Daegu, South Korea or Seoul, SK. Ireland. Canada. Those types of places.

36: Where were you born?

In a lil old town that I live near now. US is all I’m giving you~

38: Introvert or extrovert?

Ambivert!

40: Hugs or kisses?

BOTH. ALL. AHHH.

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

@/savejin2k16 @/kasperquinn @/backseatofthetourbus... also Min Yoongi

43: Any piercings you want?

Nose and more ear piercings. I only have 5 piercings now on my ears.

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

I love them. So much. I’m planning on some for myself.

53: How are you feeling right now?

Sleepy as hell

55: When did you feel happiest?

When I first got into BTS and started biasing Min Yoongi...

56: Something that calms you down?

Min Yoongi...

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

I have pretty severe diagnosed anxiety, like a lot of different kinds. I have diagnosed clinical ocd, diagnosed depression, and diagnosed ptsd. I take medication for them though!

59: What three words describe you the most?

short, smiley, inlovewithminyoongi

60: Do you believe in evolution?

Of course?? whoops sorry catholics I grew up as one of you but no thanks

63: Favorite kind of person:

Lets me be my weird ass self and loves me for it

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

... @/savejin2k16 @/kasperquinn @/backseatofthetourbus

66: Favorite emoticon:

purple heart!! and the whale with the little water comin out of its blowhole

67: Favorite meme:

what in tarnation and me me big boy

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

Mediator? (INFP-T)? I’ve never actually heard of this before!

69: What is your star sign?

Aquarius!!

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

My band t-shirts and combat boots and jeans with a beanie tbh

72: Post a selfie or two?

Maybe..? If anyone really wants to see me

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

I’m very...short. and holy shit I love gore

87: Do your socks always match?

They never match

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

Cherry blossoms!! I’m planning a sakura tree tattoo!

92: A store you hate?

Umm... This CVS near my house. Specifically that one.

99: Someone you look up to:

Min Yoongi lol

102: Where do you live?

The USA! freedom! (it sucks here omf)

108: Something you get paranoid about?

People secretly hating me but pretending they like me

111: A question you hate being asked?

“Have you even tried to get rid of your acne?” Yes. For fucking years now. Get off.

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

I like sunny days that aren’t too bright. but cloudy days if I go for a walk/run

119: Favorite thing about a person:

Being cute because everyone is cute tell everyone theyre cute they like it

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

...Well, fuck.

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

I obsess over things easily. I love it because it makes me happy but I don’t like the way it annoys others, so I try and keep it contained

134: Do you like roller coasters?

NO OMG NO YOU CANT THEYRE SO HIGH AHHHHHHH

137: Do you believe in karma?

Not really? Kinda? But I’m not focused on it. Like if its real its real idk

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

I’ll go with a solid 5 or 6. But I know @/savejin2k16 would say more

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

Oh gosh, okay, um... Hann, Ami, Amity, Hann Hann, Pip, Bunny, Bun, Teddy Bear, Bear, fluff, smol one, red, Ariel, cheeky, monkey, sunshine, mochi, etc, etc, etc... I respond to them all still

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

if im being honest im pretty much a ball of sunshine who never judges anyone and wants everyone happy. take that as you will

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

Giving!! Ahh! It makes me feel so good! Please come to me if you need help, I love it!!

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

Fluently? Um.. English, obviously. I’m almost fluent in Spanish, and I’m learning Korean

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: 

My eyes! They’re grey and shine a light blue in the light and dark, rich blue in other lights

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

How excited I get over little things. It’s genuine. “Ami, there’s a bunny over-” “*breaks down into tears* BUNNIES ARE SO PRECIOUS I HAVE TO TELL IT THAT IT’S DOING ITS BEST WHERE IS IT”

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

@/savejin2k16 @/kasperquinn @/backseatofthetourbus ....ANDYOONGI

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

Of course. I’m very touchy feely and if my friends are sad, I say “comforting forehead kiss?” and they nod and I’ll give them a little forehead kiss and pat their cheek and tell them they’re doing a good job

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

Mhm!! It’s fun. And I love when people play with mine too! It always makes me sleepy.

156: What embarrasses you?

My voice, my bad acne, my tum. Those things.

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

People talking about me or secretly hating me. And when I can’t check on my friends!! I need to know they’re okay and happy :c

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

I think I’d like to know! But I’m not overly focused on it. c:

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

I do! It’s nice, and I like how my eyes look with eyeliner, it brings them out. I’m also irish so I’m naturally very rosy and blushy and I like the even skin tone I get from makeup. Also, the acne. But it’s only on rare occasions I actually wear it, since I’m pretty bad at it and I’m just comfortable without it

Wah.. that took so long oml

[professorlockhart]

i just cried for a long and hard time in the shower and i dont even know why it happened i was just really sad and tired and i have so many things on my mind i was sick of having to take care of the house and everything we have to think about with all the appointments and people and insurances and all the cleaning and not being able to read at night because ther eare no lights and half expecting to come home without any electricity again cause it most certainly can happen and waiting for all the people to come from ten to twelve and when it’s half past twelve feeling pissed because he didn’t come and him calling at like 2 pm saying he can’t do it today and will come tomorrow at 4 pm even and not being able to be angry with him because he’s probably doing his job and he can’t speak english and so i can only say yes and thinking about wanting them to sign the papers but them cannot doing that because of the problems with the insurance and all the waiting and annoyance and trying to speak and understand in a language im not fluent in and not knowing if i would be able to live in the house for a period of time and people always asking me on the weekends when we meet like ‘how’s the house you poor people why are you still living there if i were you i would move’ and actually thinking about moving but knowing that you’d have twice the hassle and tiresome selling of the furniture and looking for another place to stay while at the same time considering NOT moving but that there might be another ‘unlucky situation’ even though we think this second one would never ever happen because one is enough and always wondering and asking to god why me why us you gave us one problem with the robbery and we went through it barely alive and we were pissed and angry and tired and sick and sad and annoyed and now we have this one and it’s like you’re punishing us for something, punishing me for something, thinking that maybe it was brought on to the three of us because of me, thinking that maybe if i weren’t the third friend in the house none of this would’ve happened, but at the same time thinking that i go to church every week, i pray every night i am grateful for what i have like what did i do wrong for me to deserve something like this and i know there are worse things that have happened to other people, deaths and misery and war and unhappiness and i should be thankful for the roof above my head and the food i can eat every day but im just tired of all this and i don’t deserve it and why why why

and on top of that i have him who’s so lovely and loving and amazing and loves me so much more than i can imagine and so much more than i can love him and doing so many things for me throughout the bad things that happened and how much he cares and how he’s also sad when im unhappy and how he always, always wants be to be happy even tho i already told him not to do that, to go ahead and not think about me because i’ll probably not be able to be happy today, that there is nothing he can do but him keep trying anyways, and me being an annoying bitch about it and making him pissed and saying things that makes him feel like im not happy with him and being a bad girlfriend even though that’s not what i want, that’s not what i mean, im just surprised that anyone actually wants me that way, the way he loves me, and that i’ve always been alone, and every time anything bad happens or if im unhappy i will be alone and dealing with all that alone and if im unhappy i’ll be unhappy alone and try to cheer myself up and now he’s there, he wants me to be happy, he tries so hard to cheer me up, and im just surprised someone like that actually exists, i know he exists for other people and i’ve seen it in the movies and read them in the books but i’ve always thought they were just romanticized, that love is exagerated, that nobody will ever feel that way towards me, and there he is, so far away physically but so close to my heart and i just hurt so much thinking about how i dont deserve all his love, how he knows i feel like i dont deserve him and how he tries so hard to make me feel like i’m special and loved and deserve every single love he gives me and i just hate myself more because his love backfired and now i get sadder because why would anybody love someone as pathetic like me, with the house problems and the acne and the fat on my stomach and how i got a 7 while everyone got an 8 and how he thinks im cute but i know im not, how i’m unfashionable and how his mom thinks i need to wear more dresses and use more makeup but i don’t want to spend my money on dresses or makeup because i was brought up to not care about my appearance while his family cares so much about how they look and how his mom always asks how im doing mostly to ask about my acne because she doesn’t want her son to be with a girl who has acne and how i never go out of the house, not even to buy groceries because im lazy and how he wants me to go outside but at the same time he always tells me not to change for him but im just tired of everything there’s so many thoughts running around my head and i just don’t like it i don’t like myself i don’t like my life and i don’t know who to talk to and what to do so all i can do is sleep and cry and shower and do all the normal stuff and watch movies with my friends and try to enjoy myself but i just want to sleep i just don’t want this life im tired of everything but if i sleep if i’m left alone with all my thoughts i’ll be thinking about this again and i’ll feel sorry for myself like a stupid annoying prick and crying about all the bad things that happened to me even though other people have had worse and knowing that if i tell this to my mom she wouldn’t be bale to do anything becasue she’s so far away and not being able to tell him about it cause he’d feel sorry for me too and he’d try so many things to make me happy but i’ll just be sadder because i’d be reminded of how much he loves a person who shouldn’t get all this love. and im just tired and i dont wanna die i dont wanna leave i want everything to be okay but it’s not okay and im tired.