#if y’all want the actual fish. just. google em

[heyitssmiller]

Chop It Like It’s Hot

A Worst Cooks in America O’Knutzy AU

The Sweater Weather Discord group helped me come up with this idea like two months ago, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. All credit goes to @lumosinlove for her amazing characters!

Chop It Like It’s Hot Masterlist

Chapter 1: Don’t Go Bacon My Heart

The Day Before the Competition

Interviewer (off camera): Finn O’Hara and Logan Tremblay for their introductions.

Logan: * taps on microphone* Is this mic working?

Finn: How do you still not know how to work a mic? You deal with them all time.

Logan: I signed up to compete in a cooking show, not to deal with your chirps.

Finn: You love ‘em. *winks*

Interviewer: So basically all we want from you guys is a brief introduction for the viewers. I’ll ask some questions, but most of this should be you guys just talking. We can edit things out later, so don’t worry about anything like that. Why don’t you guys start with your names and careers and we’ll go from there.

Finn: Yo, I’m Finn O’Hara, and I’m a terrible cook. *finger guns* Although I guess that’s a given, seeing that I’m on this show.

Logan: *mumbles in French, head in hands*

Finn: This asshole – shit, no – fuck! Sorry, I probably shouldn’t be cussing. This is a family-friendly show.

Logan: Dear God, please stop talking. I’m Logan Tremblay, the unfortunate boyfriend.

*Finn pouts*

Interviewer: And you guys play hockey?

Logan: Yeah, we play in the NHL. Gryffindor Lions.

Finn: That’s how we met, actually. Through hockey. We played together at Harvard, then got drafted to the Lions about a year apart. We’ve known each other for eight years and have been together for three of them. Can’t seem to get rid of this one.

Interviewer: And you’re not worried about being rivals on this show?

Finn: Rivals is a strong word… I mean yes we’ll be competing against each other instead of being teammates, but we know going in that it’s not personal. Just a little healthy competition.

Interviewer: So what made the two of you sign up for this show?

Logan: We didn’t. Our teammate Dumo and his wife Celeste did. They thought it would be funny. *pause* They’re probably right.

Interviewer: Out of the two of you, who is the worst cook?

*Finn and Logan point to each other*

Logan: You can’t be serious.

Finn: You once cooked pasta so much that it turned into literal paste!

Logan: You tried to cook pizza rolls in a toaster.

Finn: That’s what it said in the instructions!

Logan: It said toaster oven, you - *more French*

Finn: English, Tremz. How many times do I have to tell you that? I guess we’ll find out once and for all who the better cook is by the end of the next eight weeks, right? *mouths “it’s me” to the camera*

Logan: Whatever, Fish.

Interviewer: I think we’ve got all we need guys, thanks. Start time for tomorrow is 10:00 am, but plan on being here forty-five minutes to an hour early to get ready. We’ll see you then.

Competition Day

“Are you nervous? I’m nervous.” Finn stated, running a hand through his hair and looking around at the studio they’d be in and out of for the foreseeable future. There were cooking stations everywhere and he could already see tools and machines that he had no clue how to use. There were twelve other contestants that he didn’t know and the crew scattered everywhere, running back and forth trying to get everything ready. “God, how am I sweaty already? Is this normal?”

Logan rolled his eyes but still reached over to grab Finn’s hand, squeezing it lightly. “Relax. It’s not so bad.” Finn smiled down at him, glad that they were at least here together. How in the hell did he get so lucky?

“Besides, you’ll be sent home soon enough. So don’t stress too much.”

Finn laughed. “Wow, I hate you so much right now.” He betrayed his words with a quick kiss. “You’re going down.”

Those green eyes flashed at the challenge, but right as he opened his mouth to respond-

“Good morning, recruits!”

All heads turned towards the voice. Three figures stood towards the front of the room: one they both recognized as the producer, who was flanked by who Finn assumed to be the chefs, seeing that they were wearing chef’s outfits. Chef’s uniforms? Did their uniforms have a technical name? Finn made a mental note to google that later.

Anyways, one was a short woman with dark ringlets tied back in a ponytail and an undiscernible expression on her face. The other was tall, blond, and had legs for days Jesus Christ-

“Welcome to your first day of boot camp! This is chef Dorcas Meadowes and chef Leo Knut; they’ll be your team leaders. We’re going to start with some footage of you all walking into the kitchen, so if you all would wait out there until you’re allowed to come back in. Cameras will be rolling, so be ready! After that, our chefs will explain the first challenge and then you’ll start cooking.” He clapped his hands together. “Alright, let’s get this show started!”

“Why did they make us come in here just to send us back out?” Logan grumbled, following the other shuffling contestants out into the hall.

“Probably easier to give directions to the main studio instead of saying ‘hey, just wait out in the hall.’”

Logan hummed noncommittally. “I guess.” He wasn’t overly excited to be here; most of this (besides the initial push by Dumo and Celeste) was Finn’s idea. And god knows he could never say no to Finn. One look at that pout and brown puppy-dog eyes and he was done for. Logan didn’t like cooking, but he did like Finn. And they’d probably remember this for years to come. It didn’t matter what he was doing, as long as he was with Finn and making memories with him he’d do just about anything.

“Wonder what the first challenge is.” Finn mused, his eyes locked on the doors.

Logan laughed. “Always so impatient.”

“I’m a New Yorker,” Finn grinned, leaning into his accent. “It’s in my blood.”

The doors opened and contestants began filing back into the kitchen. Finn made sure to wave enthusiastically at the chefs with a wide smile. Logan noticed the tall one (god, he’d already forgotten the guy’s name) give a little wave in return as the other chef commanded the attention of everyone else in the room.

“Good morning, recruits, and welcome to boot camp! I’m chef Dorcas Meadowes, and this is chef Leo Knut. He’s the rookie of our crew, but don’t worry – he’s still qualified to teach all of you. Even though that’s not saying much.”

There was a smattering of laughter and chef Leo smiled, revealing dimples Logan could see from where he stood. “Hey, y’all. I’m very excited to see what makes all of you qualified to be put on this show. Who knows? Maybe you’ll give me more gray hair.” Dorcas laughed and ran her fingers through the tuft of gray hair at his temple.

“When did you get this? I don’t remember seeing it when we were in culinary school. Is it from Iron Chef?”

“Nah, this is from having Gordon Ramsay come to my restaurant.”

“Truly a terrifying man.” She shuddered. “Anyways, you guys be nice to this giant ball of sunshine. Even if he’s new, he’s still able to eliminate you from this competition.”

“In order to pick our teams, we need to see what kind of skills you have.” Leo winced. “Or don’t have. So today, we want you to make your favorite dish. Easy enough, right?”

“Oh god,” Finn murmured into Logan’s ear. “What’s my favorite dish? Do I even have one?”

“Finn.”

“You all have an hour to complete this task.” Dorcas said, glancing down at her watch. “And your time starts… now!”

“Fuck.” Finn stated emphatically, dashing off to the pantry.

Fuck was right. God, what was Logan going to make? He was wracking his brain for something while he grabbed two aprons from the back. He tossed one to Finn and took the station beside him before hurrying to the pantry. Chicken was always a safe bet, right? Celeste made a barbeque chicken recipe that was to die for. That couldn’t be too hard. It was just chicken and barbeque sauce. And maybe green beans on the side? He could get those canned ones and they’d taste fine if he rinsed them. This was fine.

He guessed on the temperature for the oven. 350 seemed good. Then he dumped two chicken breasts into a pan, poured the barbeque sauce over them, and put them into the oven.

“What are you making?” Logan startled at the soft voice, turning to see chef Leo at his station.

Blue eyes.

Logan blinked, Leo’s question forgotten. “Quoi?”

“You speak French?”

Why was his brain refusing to work all of a sudden? Get it together, Tremblay. “Uh, yeah.”

“What are you making?” Leo asked for the second time, but now it was in French. Weirdly worded French.

“Barbeque chicken.” Logan responded in French, then switched back to English. “What in the world was that?”

Leo flashed him a grin. “New Orleans, born and raised. We speak French there, too. Now tell me how you’re making that chicken.”

“Uh.” He had never said the word ‘uh’ so much in one sitting. Merde. “I put it in a pan, spread barbeque sauce over it, and I’m cooking it at 350.”

“How do you know when it’s done?”

Was this a trick question? It felt like a trick question. “Uh.” Fuck. “It has to get to a specific internal temperature, right?”

The chef nodded. “And what’s that?”

“145?"

Something in Leo’s expression flickered, but Logan couldn’t figure out what it meant. “Well, good luck. Logan, right?”

“Yeah.”

“See you at the judging table.” He said with a dimpled smile before moving to Finn’s station, which was already a mess. “Oh my. How are you doing over here?”

Finn laughed a bit hysterically. “Not good. Not good at all.”

“Ok. What’s going on?”

“Well I’m trying to make carbo’hara, and –“

“Really, Fish?” Logan called from his station. “That’s what you’re making?”

“What’s carbo’hara?” Leo asked as he watched Finn put bacon in a pan.

“Oh,” Finn waved a hand carelessly. “It’s just carbonara, but a pun on my name, O’Hara. Get it?”

Leo laughed, crossing long arms over his chest. “That’s terrible.”

“Yeah, but it makes me happy. My parents used to make it every night before my brother or I had hockey games.”

“Oh, that’s right. You guys are hockey players.”

“Go Lions!” Finn cheered, taking a spoonful of butter and throwing it into the pan with the bacon.

“Are you putting butter on bacon?” Leo asked with a raised eyebrow.

Finn responded with full confidence, “I didn’t want it to stick to the pan.”

“Ok. Got it. I… I look forward to seeing what you make.” Finn watched as Leo bit his lip and tried his hardest not to laugh.

Cute.

Finn felt his cheeks flush and blamed it on the steam from the pasta.

The last thirty minutes of the task were absolute chaos, but both boys got it done. Finn’s looked messy, which accurately summed up his cooking style. Logan was pretty proud of how his looked; he just hoped it tasted good. He gave Finn a smile and a fist bump. “Ready to be judged?”

Finn laughed, looking down at his plate. He grimaced. “Not really.”

“We’re all bad cooks. Chances are someone else’s dish is worse than yours.”

“That… actually helped. Thanks.”

***

 Finn was chosen to be judged before Logan. He brought up his plate with a sheepish smile and placed it on the table in front of the chefs. Dorcas raised an eyebrow while Leo prodded the pasta with his fork.

“It’s carbo’hara.” Finn stated with pride.

“Well, Finn…” Dorcas met his eyes. “This looks like a mess, but let’s see how it tastes.”

Finn cringed as they both took a bite of his food. Dorcas frowned as she chewed and Leo tilted his head, a confused expression on his face.

“I don’t know how you did it, but this solidifies in my mouth like glue.”

“Oh god, please don’t eat any more.”

“You definitely put a lot of effort in and you have a lot of potential,” Leo said with a small smile. “I think you were just a little too ambitious for this first round and it got away from you.”

“That’s fair. Thanks for the input.” Finn grabbed his plate and made his way back to his station. He wasn’t too upset by those reviews – he already knew he was a bad cook. But he had potential, so at least he had that going for him.

Logan grinned at him back at his station. “I can’t believe you served the judges glue pasta.”

“At least I’m not serving them canned green beans.”

“They taste just fine, thank you very much.”

“Lo, they’re professionals. You’re not getting away with something lazy like that.”

He definitely got in trouble for using the canned green beans. Dorcas looked down at them like they were worms. Leo gave him the ‘I’m not mad, I’m disappointed’ look, which was even worse, please don’t look at me like that.

“Canned food is a no-go, huh?”

“Definitely.”

“And this chicken isn’t cooked all the way.” Leo said, showing him the pink meat. “You said earlier that you’d cook it until it reached 145 degrees, but chicken needs to reach 165 at a minimum.”

“I’m sure it tasted fine, though.” Dorcas added. “You can’t really go wrong with pre-made barbeque sauce and chicken.”

Ouch. Logan grabbed his plate. “Right. Thanks.”

Finn was predictably cackling at his station. “Tremz, they couldn’t even eat yours. Celeste is going to be so disappointed in you.”

“Shut up.”

 ***

As soon as they were back into their hotel room, Finn kicked his shoes off and faceplanted into the couch. “I can’t believe that took so long.”

“Yeah,” Logan sat down and grabbed his take-out. “Who knew cooking all day would make us so hungry?”

Finn made grabby hands at the other food container. Logan laughed and handed it to him. “I haven’t been this hungry since playoffs, fuck.”

They ate in silence and were finished in record-setting time. Finn collected their trash and stood up to throw it away. “So blue team, huh? I’m kind of surprised they put us on the same team.”

“Me too. But Leo seems like a good teacher, so I’m glad we’re on his team.”

“Yeah, he seems so young, too.” Which sounded ridiculous to say; Leo couldn’t be that much younger than them. “If he’s already winning competitions and starring in cooking shows at that age, he must be pretty good.”

“Winner of Iron Chef America, Chopped, Guy’s Grocery Games…” Logan read off his phone with a low whistle. “He graduated culinary school early and opened his own restaurant a year later.”

“Damn.”

“There’s a video of one of his competitions on here.”

“Play it!” Finn said excitedly, flopping back down on the couch and peering over his boyfriend’s shoulder. Logan gave him a strange look. “What? Maybe we’ll learn something useful.”

“I think this is going to be way too complicated for us, but ok.”

So they sat on the couch watching cooking competitions for hours, learning skills and techniques that went way over their heads. Logan wordlessly switched to Leo’s cooking show Cajun Cooking, watching episode after episode of the blue-eyed chef teaching traditional New Orleans recipes.

Little did they know that halfway across the city in his own apartment, Leo Knut was watching Youtube highlights of the Gryffindor Lions, keeping a sharp eye out for number seventeen and number ten.

[thesundanceghost]

@elicash tagged me to do this and I’m finally home relaxing so lets do it

nicknames - never really had one stick, “Emma” is too easy to just say at once. Like sometimes my family will shorten it to Em, but very rarely, it’s just as easy to say the whole thing

zodiac - Taurus (and Leo moon/ Libra rising, according to costar, because no matter how many times I read that I will forget it instantly). I don’t really know anything about astrology but I do firmly believe that my sign is the best one

height - 5’3” and I hate it

last movie - Can’t remember if it was Macbeth 2015 or Butch & Sundance, I’m getting my days confused. I didn’t actually finish Macbeth tho the whole time I was just wishing I was reading the play :/ I’m biased against movie adaptations of Shakespeare I guess

last thing I googled - “Atlantic hurricane”

fave musician - you guys probably don’t know this but I would let Joan Osborne do literally whatever she wants to me. don’t know if I think Relish (1995) is the best album of all time but I do think its the sexiest.

song stuck in my head - Candy by the Blasting Company

other blogs - none that i still use

blogs following - I can’t remember how to check and I’m too lazy to try but I’ve been on this fucking site since 2012 and rarely unfollow people so lets just assume “too many”

amount of sleep - I am a firm believer of 7h sleep supremacy

lucky number - none

what I’m wearing - jeans and a bra (my normal lounge wear)

dream job - i hate jobs so much. But idk I’d love to do any editing work remotely, and also do some farm/fishing work, I personally enjoy manual labor

dream trip - Currently still dreaming about my still-theoretical road trip up the Atlantic coast. @benjhawkins has been giving me so many to-visit spots in Maine and I need to get there!!! As boring as it is most of my dream vacations are in the US, I think because it just seems like less stress for me, and when I dream about trips, that’s what I think about.

fave foods - Mango, and alfalfa sprouts. I made a jerk pork dish with grilled pineapple and a mango salsa and it was just so damn good. I also love a good stew or soup, like any kind honestly

play an instrument - Piano, although I haven’t done it seriously in years. Used to play viola and violin and I miss that. I can play guitar but like only simple chords

languages - English baby — can understand French and Spanish okay but I freeze up when I go to speak it.

fave songs - I know y’all are sick of hearing about it, but any song off of Relish. Literally got goosebumps listening to that album in the car yesterday. Also both Nina Simone and Jeff Buckley’s versions of Be My/Your Husband, that song really gets me.

random fact about me — I want to know more about taxidermy, not to like do it, I just think its cool and I know nothing about it

describe yourself by aesthetic things - uhhhhh idk linen? My dream closet is one that’s only made of linen. I mix a ton of silver and gold jewelry. My house is filled with tons of warm colors and southwestern/Mexican interior artwork and furniture. I am almost always in jeans unless its 100 degrees. My dream day is just fishing in a boat under the sun with a beer in my hand. I love fabric and mixing textures together is my favorite thing. I make myself overindulgent and overly complicated dinners where four things are cooking at once and I have six different timers set and red wine to drink. I don’t know if any of this counts as an aesthetic I’m just saying random shit……..

I have no idea who’s done this yet, but I’ll tag @satisfactuality @benjhawkins @benjaminagunn @cithaerons @starbuck @lupismaris and whoever else wants to do it!

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Three: Catch And Release

View on Google Docs

Summary: June 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben are live at Lake Hatchenhaw for the 55th Annual King Falls Bass Tournament with special guest Mayor Grisham.

[Podcast intro music]

[Banjo music]

Randy McMullet [heavy southern accent] Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots and I’m here to tell you we got some slithery savings this weekend! So much savings you’ll have a hissy fit! We’re not holdin’ anything back ‘cause it’s that time of year again! It’s our annual Snake Skin Blowout! I’m talkin’ ‘bout rattlesnake, copperhead, viper, black mamba, and boa constrictor. We got big snake boots at baby snake prices! Ya better hurry though before our inventory is extinct! So come on down to McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! We’ll be there from sun up to sun down this Saturday and Sunday at the corner of Route 72 and ol’ Bombin’ Range Road! McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill your boots, with savin’s!

[Banjo music fades out]

[KFAM rock intro music]

Sammy Good morning! You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. It’s twelve minutes to six and a beautiful 67 degrees out here at Lake Hatchenhaw.

Ben We are mere minutes away from the starter pistol going off signaling the beginning of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament.

Sammy Ben! I couldn’t have said that better myself, you’re a natural!

Ben [“aw shucks”] Whatever, Sammy.

Sammy But you heard it, kids! The tournament’s about to get under way, but the festivities will be happening all day today. Be sure to swing on by the King Falls AM booth, pick up a bumper sticker, say hi to your favorite personalities, that sort of thing.

Ben And, of course, don’t forget to tweet us your pics today @KingFallsAM or Instagram us with the hashtag kingfalls, and we will repost those bad boys.

Sammy Absolutely, Ben. But just because this show is winding down, doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep on you! We’ve got a guest!

Ben We’re here with Ron Begley, of Begley’s Bait and Tackle. Sponsor of today’s outing.

[note: Ron’s voice can generally be described as “gruff”, any descriptors in transcription are more-so]

Ron [gruffly] Watch it, Ben. Outing is a big word. This is a gathering. 

Sammy Hey, nice to meet ya, Ron!

Ron [sweetly] Nice meetin’ you too, Sammy! And always good to see you, Ben.

Sammy Now, Ron. For all the listeners on the fence about making their way down to the Tourney today, what would you tell ‘em to change their minds?

Ron Ah hell, if they aren’t here now, they ain’t coming.

Ben Metaphorically though—

Ron [harshly] Don’t use ten dollar words when a five dollar word will suffice, Ben. If the lazy bastards aren’t up an’ at em and waiting on Mayor Grisham to fire that pistol, then there ain’t no convincing them otherwise.

Sammy Well, you know what- We’ve got quite the turn out here it seems, so uh, maybe everybody made it down?

Ron [aggressively] I’ll give you fifty damn bucks if you show me Shell Snyder’s fat ass at this lake right now!

Ben Uhhh, I’m sure-

Ron I saw that lazy son of a bitch at the town hidey-hole last night, and I know he hasn’t drug his carcass outta bed.

Sammy Hidey-hole?

Ben Don’t ask.

Ron You want something that’ll put some asses in the seats? I’ll give you somethin’ and this one’s for free. Today we got the fishing tournament, we got the bouncy house for the kiddies, we got that weird food truck that nobody ever eats at but it still shows up to all the King Falls events,

Ben Aaand?

Ron [teasing] And you know where I’m going, Ben. And just last week out by the sunken pontoon boats… We had a sighting!

Ben By the BOATS? That is so close.

Sammy Alright guys. You got me. What did we see?

Ben Sammy—

Ron Why, the Lake Hatchenhaw monster, Sammy!

Sammy Monster.

Ron Why the hell didn’t you Wikipedia-Google-book this town before you moved your sweet ass to it?! Everybody in creation knows about the Lake Hatchenhaw monster!

Sammy Alright, *chuckles* I’m sorry. Uhhh, I don’t mean to be rude, Ron, but you’re talking about your own version of the Loch—

Ron Don’t. Say it. Don’t even think it! That fake sh[bleep]show of a lake monster has nothin’ on Kingsie.

Ben You’ll have to pardon Sammy. He doesn’t believe in the extra-ordinary.

Ron [softly for Ron] What a sad life you must live, Samuel.

Ben So, Ron. This will be the fifth sighting this year, is that correct?

Ron [happy/proud] Fifth this year! She’s been a busy one. Since I took over this shop from my dad, I don’t know that we ever got Kingsie more than twice a year.

Sammy Well, ya heard it here ladies and gents. Uh, If tournament, the bouncy house, and the weird food truck don’t get you down— Kingsie will.

Ron That’s the spirit!

Sammy *chuckles* Okay, about the tournament, Ron. What exactly is on the line here? Wha-Whats the prize today?

Ron Same as every year, Sammy! Brand new bass boat with all the fixin’s and a 500 dollar check from the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.

Sammy That is a hell of a prize! I might just put the mic down and have a go myself, guys!

Ron More than welcome! [gruffly] But you better bring Ben along so you don’t end up as a “fictional lake monster”’s din-din.

Ben *sighs* I’d love to be out on that lake today! Nothing like it!

Sammy Ron Begley, everyone. Uh, Ron, thanks for dropping by and adding some color to the end of our broadcast today!

Ron [quiet and angry] Is that a gay joke, Sammy?

Sammy Uh, I-I’m sorry, what?

Ben Ron, not. At all.

Ron [threateningly] I’m not going to come on this show, and have you talkin’ trash. I’m the only soul brave enough in this town to own my identity and I’m not going to take any flack about it—

Sammy Ron. Ron. No harm was intended. I-I didn’t even know.

Ron [angry, almost shouting] Well now you do so watch your mouth! I like f[bleep]in’ and I like fightin’ and I’m completely sure you don’t want any part of either!

Sammy I-I Ron. *nervous laugh* I mean—

Ron [pleasantly] I’m just jerkin’ your chain, Sammy! Keep up the good work, guys!

Ben *Laughing loudly* Oh, you should see your face!

Sammy Thanks, Ben. Uh—

Some Guy *Slurred* Heyy Ben! What up duuude?

Ben Heyy, uh, Matt! Uhhh. We’re-we’re kinda live here, buddy.

Matt Riiight on! … maintain brah…

Ben Sorry.

Sammy Oh, no worries, bro.

Ben Uh, uh- alright folks! You’ll never believe who we’ve got heading this way! The man of the hour, the man with all the power… Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor Grisham. Thanks so much for taking some time out to talk with us today!

Mayor Grisham Oh, I’ve been wanting to! Believe me. But you boys are on so darn early! I just can’t drag myself out of the bed.

Sammy Understandable.

Mayor Grisham However, my assistant, Riley, transcribes every show for me. Seems like you’re doing a great job. The both of you.

Ben Oh! Thanks so much, Mayor Grisham!

Mayor Grisham You got it, Ben! Hey, how’s your mom doing these days?

Ben Great! She’ll be thrilled that you mentioned her!

Mayor Grisham Least I can do.

Sammy Now, Mayor Grisham, you’re joining us today because in just a few short minutes we’re gonna be kicking off the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament—

Mayor Grisham Absolutely! It’s one of the perks of the job that makes it all worthwhile. I mean, who could turn down a beautiful morning on the lake, with all the people of King Falls?

Sammy So, do you ever partake in the tournament yourself?

Mayor Grisham *chuckles* I wouldn’t want to put the King Falls residents to shame! I’m quite an avid outdoorsman.

Sammy Well, it’s nice of you to give everybody a sporting chance.

Mayor Grisham Oh yeah.

Sammy Now, before we let you go- and believe me I hate to break down the mood —

Mayor Grisham Then don’t.

Sammy Oh, *chuckles nervously* well I-I was just gonna ask if you had heard any recent news regarding…

Mayor Grisham Sammy. Another time and another place.

Sammy Well, Mayor Grisham. [floundering] We here, we—

Mayor Grisham That’s all at this time. Thanks for having me. Have your people call Riley and we’ll schedule something soon, Sam.

Sammy [confused and irritated] Heh… Okaay?

Ben What is he- he- can’t- we’re supposed to be here for another three minutes, Sammy.

Sammy *unamused laugh* It’s fine, Ben, uh- it’s not your fault.

Ben Well, no. You ran him off, *scoffs* [growing frantic] buuut he was supposed to stay with us until we went live! with the opening ceremonies!

Sammy Hey, hey. It’s okay.

Ben [worked up] I’m going to fix this. Uh- I got it!

Sammy Ben-Be- Well. That was Ben just leaving in a full sprint, kids. Uh, seems it’s just you and me now, uh, and the mayor’s assistant, recording our every word.

Voice in distance Shotgun Sammy!

Sammy *groans* Okay, so we’re about four minutes away from the top of the hour, and the tournament getting started. Uh, we’d like to wish all the participants today the best of luck, break legs, uh, you know catch fish, wh-what have you. Uh, watch out for Kingsie, obviousl—

Ben I got it! I got it! I’m back!

Sammy Oh, Ben’s back ladies and gents! And he has a friend!

Ben Sammy, King Falls, this is Mr. Herschel Baumgartner. Winner of last year’s tournament! How you doing today, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Good, Benny. Real good. Just ready to get my spot and giveitago this year. Uh, you know it’s about to start, right boys?

Sammy So, Herschel, you won the actual tournament last year, is that correct?

Herschel Oh, you bet I did! Won it back in ‘92, and ‘89 as well. But don’t go askin’ for tips now, son. Now if you excuse me—

Sammy Oh wow! So you are a three time winner of the King Falls Bass Tournament lookin’ for big number four this morning!

Herschel [sarcastic] Huh, Big City can count. We’re T-minus three minutes here, boys. If you don’t have anything pressing…

Ben Uh, for the listeners, Mr. Baumgartner, wha-what would you say is, is, is, the-the most important part—

Herschel [suspiciously] Who put you up to this? Was it Cecil? [grumbling] Amateur, usurpin’ so-and-so-

Ben No! We-we just needed to fill some time.*nervous laugh*

Herschel You’re going to pull me out of my boat to fill time? You are a DUMB son of a b[bleep]!

Sammy [warning] Hey now!

Herschel Don’t you dad-voice me, son. I’ll put a boot rrright up your ass, just like I did those Krauts[1] back in WWII! [said “dubya-dubya two”]

Sammy [harshly] You know what? Great talking to you Herschel.

Herschel [grumbling] New-fangled radio bums, looking for a hand-out. I ain’t givin’ ya no tips! No spots, no tricks o’ the trade! How I flick my wrist [fades out as he walks away]

[woman screams in bg]

Ben Was… that a scream?

Sammy [laughing dismissively] I’m sure it was just someone seeing Mr. Baumgartner’s lovely personality.

Ben I think something might be up, Sammy. Seriously.

Sammy Uh, ladies and gentlemen, as always, we thank you for tuning in with us here at King Falls AM. We’re about to go live with the opening ceremonies at the 55th annual-

[another, longer scream. Someone in the bg yells “There’s a body in the lake!” followed by sounds of an agitated crowd and a lot of people screaming]

Sammy Folks, stay with us! It seems that a body has just surfaced here at Lake Hatchenhaw! Come on, Ben!

Ben [incredulously] We’re going there?

Sammy Cronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.

Ben *huffs* Right.

[Deputy Troy yells incomprehensibly through a megaphone.]

Ben-at-a-distance Tweet us!

[screaming continues]

Sammy Alright, we’re on the dock. [aside] if we could just push past— There’s the mayor! Right there!

Deputy Troy [through a megaphone] Everybody please stay calm!

Ben [quiet,worried] What if it’s Tim?

Sammy Mayor Grisham! Can you confirm that there is a body here—

Deputy Troy [still through the megaphone] Sorry boys. I don’t want to, but the Mayor’s going to cut—

[audio cuts to static]

[KFAM outtro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Kraut - a derogatory term for a German, especially a German soldier, during WWI and WWII

[brosura]

tagged by @yohazuras & @jellyfishline & finally got around to this! thanks for the tags pals! i am a little buzzed rn so get ready!!!

rules: tag 20 blogs you’d like to get to know better.

nickname: kat, katty, katty mckool kat, cheese machine

zodiac sign: SSSSCORPIO

height: 5′4″

last thing you googled: 173 cm in feet & inches (it occurred to me after checking my height that i could compare my height to the shortest chocobro and to my disappointment i am shorter than all of them. unfortunate.)

favorite musical artists: tbh a lot? varies by mood. consistently: florence + the machine, chance the rapper, matt & kim, bump of chicken. recently i’ve been in the mood for the chainsmokers a lot and started getting into mapei 

last movie you watched: Get Out (would recommend)

what are you wearing right now?: mint green boxers and a heather gray shark t-shirt (it’s pajama-jama time, pajammin’)

why did you choose your URL?: idk i wanted to make a bro pun but i also wanted to include garbage somehow bc it’s an old nickname from being a mess all my life??? got the best of both worlds here and even got to use spanish/tagalog (garbage = basura in both languages) lmao

do you have any other blogs?: a blog from HS i don’t use anymore

what did your last relationship teach you?: idk man i've been pretty consistently single?? i’ve seen people only kinda? idk i guess that dating isn’t like an upgrade on relationships and it won’t always work just bc ur friends beforehand and that’s ok, it’s just like hopping from one box into an adjacent but separate box but sometimes you just wanna go back to the box u were in before, and that’s cool, whatever box is chill for the both of u 

religious or spiritual?: i mean, i’m gonna say spiritual bc after growing up vaguely catholic for my entire life i’d be lying if i said that i didn’t think about the Big G sometimes and like there’s something to be said for the message of treating others w kindness and compassion, but like, fanon!big J is used to justify too much hateful BS for me to consider myself religious lmao

favorite color? GREEN

average hours of sleep?: 3-6 hrs. lmao i lie in bed a lot but it’s actually very hard for me to sleep??? 7 is my ideal to feel rested. 

lucky number: idk? i like the number 3 tho!!

favorite characters?: honestly this is hard? but i will say i have been worried about the health&happiness of nico di angelo (pjo/hoo) since i was a wee 12yo so he’s at the top of the list. also on the (non-comprehensive) list currently: hunk (voltron; MY BOY!!!!), prompto (ffxv; he’s doing his best), lucio (overwatch; trust him w/ my life), toph bei fong (atla; first role model), asami sato + korra (atlok; LOVE em); also even though bleach is dead to me, i’ll always have a spot in my heart for rukia kuchiki because she was probably baby bi kat’s first fictional crush on a girl

how many blankets do you sleep with?: 1, it’s getting hot my dudes i’ve had to stick the leggy out for thermoregulation

dream job: honestly i interpreted this like “fantasy job” when i read it and had the highly specific fantasy of bein a bartender in a chill speakeasy-style bar. the bar is mahogany and i’m always cleaning a crystal champagne flask for some reason. i’m wearing a snazzy waistcoat just for the #look. the clientele is older and less rowdy but not obnoxiously snobby and rich. my regulars know to call me barkeep. i have a favorite regular, she comes in every thursday. i don’t know her name, but she wears the same leather jacket every week and i know her preferred drink is a bourbon, neat. she’s working her way through our selection. 

i’d be cool as like, someone working at an aquarium tho. love the fishes

20 blogs is too many blogs!!! i’ll tag @pastelnoctis, @yuusukekitagawas & @freeyukimakoto since y’all seem to like these but if i am mistaken pls feel free to ignore

@queen-tabris if u got time for introducing me to the mcelboys. love em.

and if any of me followers have time and want to do this you’re absolutely welcome to @ me i’d love to get to know y’all !!!

[mustinvestigate]

stream of consciousness headcanon…ish…thing…

...which owes entire countries’ national debts to @niceteeth-nastysmile‘s health & food canon post and @adistraughtthought‘s on MacCready’s teeth and why Lucy was just beyond brilliant.

And this is all fic-related ponderings of general standards of personal upkeep in post-apocalyptia and their divergence from vault or pre-war sensibilities and how exactly romance could surmount this, which doesn’t really earn “above the fold” status, so…

So it’s generally held in fandom lore that folk are too busy surviving to truck much with hygiene, a thought which derails the sexiness of many T+ fics before they start. Like, “We’ve been trekking across the desert nurturing a deadly two-person epidemic of UST and, oops, convenient cave-in, we’re trapped together…carrying several days’ worth of sweat and battle muck in non-breathable armor we seemingly never change, without water to drink or freshen up with, and, y’know, let’s just sit in opposite cave chambers and breathe through our mouths until rescue comes, ok?”

And a vault dweller or pre-war person would live in suspended state of horror at the miasma of human funk and yellowed snaggleteeth when they have any at all, unable to hold a civil conversation no matter how high their charisma stat. As for romancing, well…nope. Nope nope nope.

Except, in settlements at least, with more pooled resources and storage space and security to allow people to spend time on less essential tasks like making tallow soap and extra under-clothing to change regularly and water to wash clothing and bodies, they’d totally raise standards to at least those of a modern week-long camping trip, right? Being clean and in fresh clothing is one of those small achievable luxuries, on the level of toys and games or cards for communal entertainment, that makes a huuuuge difference in feeling like you’re living, not just surviving. And with teeth, well, humans have been cleaning their teeth (albeit sometimes in ways that could not have been kind to gums or enamel) since we’ve been human. Morning breath and stuck-in food bits have apparently always been pretty high on the short list of activities worth spending limited energy on fixing.

Also often found in human settlements? Doctors, or at least some form of medical-type professionals to push for improved sanitation and enough cleanliness to minimise the spread of disease, not to mention heal injuries or perform simple dentistry or help prevent/treat substance abuse and all sorts of other ailments that lead to one being unable to maintain a comfortable-ish body.

(Aside for ghouls: although they’re described in-game as smelling like rotting flesh, I call bullshit. The smell of rot comes from decay, and by definition, things which are decaying are in the process of existing increasingly…uh…less so. [I don’t know, I can’t word good today, ok? Ahem.] And since ghouls are canonically unplagued by senescence [see? Fancy words!], there’s no decay beyond a certain level of damage that would produce that particular offensive smell. And further still since the skin damage would probably render most of their sweat glands gone or non-functional anyway, they’d possibly even lack the traditional human eau du ew at the end of a hard day’s farming. Y’all just decided they smell bad because you don’t like how they look – real nice, post-apocalyptic humans. Real. Nice.)

People living outside of settlements, though…they might be a different story. Like, raiders? Forget it. You’d smell ‘em coming a mile away, where they may be gasping their last due to catastrophic bacterial infection from what started as a wee molar cavity. They’re not expending energy on small personal-upkeep luxuries, or value stealing them from those who do.

Non-sociopathic nomadic types, like traders or mercenaries or people who don’t have useful skills or can’t afford to buy into a settlement (however it works when there’s no pre-war savior throwing away land for free), where carrying space is very limited and they likely don’t have much time or energy for non-essential luxuries…yeah, they might be closer to what we picture as a standard post-apocalyptic citizen. Like…in today’s terms…your stereotypical European gap-year backpacker. You’d certainly bathe and wash clothes when the opportunity and supplies came to hand, but wouldn’t go out of your way unless your red and orange Maslows were all in the black, and if your yellow, green, and blue were already in the pink, why bother?

(Is that a coherent joke? Probably not. Requires googling. But we strike on!)

Hence, in a slightly roundabout way, we come to MacCready’s teeth, and, further, the impact therein on writing a romance with a pre-war character. Or, really, any of the romanceable companion options, but fanon, and Bethesda going out of their way to make him the only one with bad teeth, seem to hold that MacCready’s a special case. He grew up LARPing Lord of The Flies, defiantly proud that there were no adults to make them clean anything they didn’t want to, and he married a girl (brilliant doctor or not) who was part of the same culture and tolerant of near-toxic personal hygiene or at the very least, since they seemed to be on the road when she tragically died, was biding her time until they settled down to enforce better standards.

(And, seriously, Bethesda, just admit it’s the same character as the Lucy he was best buddies with instead of someone who just happened to have the same name…except that does mean that sweet girl died terribly…and now I no longer know what I want to believe. Huh.)

And a pre-war professional lady, one who’d’ve had to maintain a polished image as a non-negotiable element of her career, she’d get past this…how?

Actually…even writing this out, it still doesn’t seem insurmountable. For years, I shared a very small office with a large, manly fellow who didn’t wear deodorant, worked out before work, and ate a lot of fish-heavy lunches. It’s amazing how quickly the human nose shrugs and moves the goal-posts, particularly for lovely people you get on with, or when everyone around you’s more or less at the same level of smell, or when you’re also working out and coming in kinda sweaty and, you know, we’re all human here, right, why are we so dang picky?

And my version of Nora, for all she prefers pretty dresses and parties, isn’t averse to dirty fingernails. She was in the military, had all her hair shaved off and slogged through muddy obstacle courses and dug latrines and everything; she went hunting with her father and helped out in his plumbing shop, getting elbow-deep in animal viscera and worse. A filthy soldier-type would definitely be on her experience spectrum with probably no more judgement than welp, try to stay upwind when possible, even that forgotten after she’s been in the same outfit herself for a couple of weeks.

But the teeth, man, there’s something moreish about bad teeth, right? There’s not just the aesthetics of non-white, non-straight teeth (trust me…having moved to a country [unfairly] famous for poor-quality dentistry, I can report that uniformly white, straight chompers quickly become the weird-looking alternative) but the visceral reaction to class comma lack of, to an indicator not just of “poor” but “poor and not trying to do better.”

Like, I grew up what’s politely called white working class (in a family that mostly passes leisure time with drinking, Fox News, and stockpiling weapons of dubious origins, so, y’know, shruggy-emoticon), and you bet all of us cousins had braces. We were going to get good grades and have office jobs. Our parents were real touchy about terms like “redneck” or “okie” and wouldn’t admit to liking country music. There was something different about the kids who lived in the same area but didn’t get braces. We weren’t encouraged to make friends of them, and as for dating…well…the bad teeth on a significant other brought home would carefully, one could say pointedly, not be mentioned, but every other possible flaw would be.

In college, I dated a mysterious guy I met on Match.com, who wasn’t white and who had the worst teeth I’d ever seen in real life. They were somewhere between ferengi and pirate and I’m sad to say they were the first thing anyone would notice about him. We ended up dating for two bloody years, even talked about marriage, and the funny thing? I never found out what the deal was with those awful, awful teeth.

At first, I didn’t bring it up because, well…how bad did his childhood have to be, that no one made him brush, no one took out a loan to get him in braces? Like, bad teeth were so intrinsically linked with lower-class deprivation in my mind that I just could not even broach the topic with someone of a different ethnic background. And, anyway, he turned out to be solidly middle-class from birth, held two degrees and a software engineering cubicle job that required a tie, even on Fridays. And by that point, well…if the teeth were the first thing you noticed, the second was that he was bubbly and goofy and sweet, and when months later someone looked at a photo of us and asked, “Oh dear, what happened to that poor boy’s teeth?”, it genuinely took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about.

So, my conclusion: even when one’s brought up to see poor hygiene and bad teeth as viscerally, mockably horrifying…as romantic obstacles, they’re quite surmountable. Like, there’d be some half-hearted stocking up of new brushes and mouthwash, nagging to go see the dentist no I don’t care that your childhood dentist looked like Ted Bundy, and probably a collateral raising of their bathing frequency through shared living routines, and it’d be fine, you guys. Totally fine.

Anyway.

This is what happens after a few months without drinking, y’all. These are the brain cells that’d usually get culled off by the friendly gin hammer.

[denmark101]

New in Copenhagen: Teglværket

I have some great news to share with you today!

A street food market slash beach bar slash general cozy place with hyper cool industrial vibe opened 10 minutes from my house! In Sluseholmen! Where nothing ever really happens! I am ecstatic.

The place is called Teglværket, and it’s an abandoned industrial building tucked away at the end of a dirt road, so it’s actually not that easy to find unless you know it’s there. But that’s why you have me – to tell you about these sort of places, so you can come and drink sangria on the beach.

Yup, the clever folks that put the food stalls and carts in the old factory building also made a little sandy beach in front of it, right down to the water!

Now imagine this on a sunny day.

Drinking sangria on the beach is my new jam, y’all.

Inside, there are several food trucks and stalls lining the walls, leaving space in the middle of the hall for benches and tables. As Teglværket is still very new, the selection isn’t huge yet – we counted seven different food options so far. But wait! I know that doesn’t sound like much, but there’s a lot of variety, plus, this meant that me and the boyfriend could easily test all of them out (well, almost) on two consecutive evenings this past week!

And actually, that’s great news for you, since for now, information on the selection and prices is relatively sparse, so of course we took one for the team and did some serious researching.

You’re welcome, world! 

(Quick side note of that emoji – I learned recently that this is supposed to be the “help desk” or concierge emoji? I’ve always used it to show I was being sassy, but let’s just say right now I’m using it as a combination of the two!)

Drinks

Right by the entrance, there’s a huge bar that sprawls across almost the entire width of the building. They have an ample selection of beers, on tap and by the bottle, but none of them can really be considered craft beers, if that’s what you’re into. There’s wine, and there are cocktails (or rather, long drinks), and there is sangria, which is actually really nice (DKK 50 per cup, DKK 235 for a 2l pitcher). They have some special offers of 2-for-1 and other discounts during happy hour and their Friday bar, which you can find on Facebook. Generally, the drinks prices are within what I would call the normal range for Copenhagen; not a bargain, but not excessively pricey.

  Za’atar – Mediterranean

This bright orange food stall offers Mediterranean cuisine, namely couscous-quinoa bowls with various toppings (chicken, fried fish, or falafel, for DKK 90-95). It’s really nice to have these vegetarian and even vegan options available, especially since there aren’t that many stands and food trucks yet. We only had a snack, but OH EM GEE was that delicious! Deep fried halloumi cheese (basically like mozzarella sticks but with a bit more taste to them) with eggplant creme (i.e. baba ganoush) and sour cream with harissa. SO GOOD YOU GUYS. Seriously. Best DKK 40 you’ll spend that day, guaranteed. Am I drooling on my keyboard remembering these? Well, we can’t rule it out.

  Burgers

The burger stand didn’t really have a name, but their burgers speak for themselves! The first one pictured is the Double Cheese (DKK 119 with fries), which was oozing cheesy deliciousness out of every pore. A squishy brioche bun, a nice patty (though they come well done by default, so remember to mention if you want yours cooked medium), a couple slices of bacon, some baby spinach leaves, tomatoes, pickles, onion, and sauces. If that’s not enough burger for you, go for their Double Trouble, which is pictured on the bottom right. Two beef patties, countless slices of cheese, and I believe there’s even some mac-n-cheese in there as well. Plus, of course, bacon and all the other trimmings. It’s deliciously obscene and obscenely delicious, and you probably won’t need anything else to eat that day! This beast will set you back DKK 139 (which is a VERY fair price, all things considered).

The burger place also has a small grill offer, where you can find charcoal grilled ribeye steak and sausages, though we didn’t have enough stomach room to try those.

  Taqueria Teglværket

After nibbling on their tortilla chips with salsa and guac with our sangrias, I decided I had to try the tacos, too. There were three different ones on the menu, costing DKK 38 each, with a special offer of all three for DKK 100 (comparable to basically all other taco stands on Copenhagen’s various street food markets). On my little paper tray were (left to right) a baja fish taco, a veggie taco with refried beans and salsa, and a cochinita taco topped with avocado. I really liked all of them, but I think the cochinita was my favorite – the pork was succulent and spicy, without being too greasy (i.e. no liquid running all over your hands as you eat). The boyfriend also tried their “Mexi Torta”, a brioche burger bun filled with pork, guacamole, and salsa for DKK 85. Yum, yum! A look into my crystal ball reveals that Taco Tuesdays might become a regular thing around here…

  Bingo – Chinese pancakes

This small, orange cart didn’t really look like much, but it turned out to be one of the breakout stars of our “Tour de Teglværket”. When I walked past the first time and spotted a round hot plate, I was immediately reminded of crêpes, and it turns out that these Chinese scallion pancakes (cong you bing) are actually a little bit similar. If you, like me, haven’t tried them before, they’re basically thin, savory pancakes filled with egg, scallions, chili sauce, and avocado, and topped with black sesame and more scallions (at least that’s what my version consisted of). They also have a vegan option (sans egg), as well as chicken, and another type of mean, if I’m mistaken – even I can’t remember everything! This was really flavorful, spicy and filling, and definitely not the last time I’m having one of these! They clock in at DKK 65.

  Tapas del Corazon – Bocadillo

Yup, I had to google that name, too – bocadillos are Spanish sandwiches, typically served in baguette bread. The truck at Teglværket had different options – serrano, tuna, and the one we ended up choosing, with chorizo and goat cheese. I loooove goat cheese, so I enjoyed the sandwich, especially the pickled red peppers on top, which gave a nice zing. There was a little bit too much chorizo for my taste, but that’s just my personal opinion. One of these sandwiches costs DKK 59. This truck also offers a tapas plate, for when you just need a little snack with your drink.

  At the time of writing, there are two additional food stalls that we didn’t get to try. One serves coffee and cakes (although the cake stand was empty both times we visited  ) and the other one, called hokuō, offers sushi with Scandinavian ingredients – I’ll put that on the list for next time.

I’m really thrilled about Teglværket – admittedly, their selection isn’t huge yet, and we’ll have to see whether they can thrive in their location and with the competition around town. But I’m crossing my fingers and will definitely do my part to keep them afloat.

So if you want to do me a solid and help make sure this cool food market stays put 10 minutes from my house, you should come down and check them out – and if you spot me there, come say hi and I’ll buy you a drink!

Have you checked out Teglværket? What did you think?

Teglværket   |   open every day 12pm – midnight   |   Teglholmsgade 27, 2450 Copenhagen   |   Facebook   |   Instagram

from The Copenhagen Tales http://ift.tt/2gYTM5s

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season five, episode nine: THIS IS A HOSTAGE SITUATION.

I feel duped and lied to.

I got my hopes high as hell for two hours of Vanderpumpy goodness this week, instead, they did us dirty by transitioning without our permission into Summer House. I am not interested in watching Summer House, no thank you1. Bravo, why do you think you can do things like this and we’re just going to go along with it? You are not my dad, you can’t drag me into situations just because you need to look good and you’re afraid of being alone (hint: it’s probably because you’re gonna die alone). Enraged does not even begin to cover my feelings.

Stassi is dealing with a delayed hangover - you know, you wake up feeling hunky dory and think it’s all cool and then two hours later your body is like HA HA HA YOU WERE JUST STILL DRUNK HEEEEEERE’S YOUR HANGOVER. Katie is physically incapable of using a lighter to open her bottle of Corona they’re enjoying in their hotel room, and managed not to get full on Tequila Katie, only halfway. I wonder which half - it appears the un-abusive half is the one she was last night. Katie just wants Stassi to find a man because of course, Katie is the type who thinks Stassi’s happiness revolves around having a man in her life. I hate you, Katie. Katie tries to coach Stassi, who’s showing all of the worst sides of herself - she’s into murder, she likes online shopping, she only cares about getting blowouts and poor spray tans - because she realizes a woman is only worth something when she’s in a relationship with a man.

Just kidding, it’s because she wants Stassi out of her face.

Back in Sonoma, the RV is a mess, and it’s only day two. The place is a pigsty that smells enough to make someone gag, Brittany and Jax are bickering about repacking their bag, and it’s hilarious. Brittany cannot stop flipping out and Jax cannot stop gaslighting. Ariana’s concerned that they’ve lost any sense of humanity they had and that joke is far too easy for me so we’re just going to moooooove right along. The water isn’t working and Brittany is freaking out, and Jax is a terrible boyfriend. He hands her water bottles and talks down to her constantly. Ugh, Jax.

Kristen has never heard the term WASP. In case you were wondering what a WASP is, it stands for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant - according to Wikipedia, it means “an informal, sometimes disparaging term for a closed social group of high-status and influential white Americans of English Protestant ancestry. It is also sometimes applied to those of Scottish Protestant and Irish Protestant ancestry. The term applies to a group who control disproportionate financial, political and social power in the United States.” Basically, Kristen has probably met a ton of WASPs - Irvine, Laguna Beach, Orange County and Newport Beach are the hubs for WASPy behavior in California - but she probably just thought “wow, what an icy bitch.” Kristen, you know what a WASP is. Don’t be an ignoramus.

Then again, every time there’s a bee around Kristen’s probably like “god damn WASPs, Montauk is full of them!”

In front of the pool, Stassi tells them that the twins from Summer House have invited them to a clam bake, and none of them know what a clam bake is. Y’all, it is INHERENT IN THE NAME. Stassi googles it, but none of the girls are really hyped about it because they’re from California. Scheana is the worst kind of person because she doesn’t like seafood2 because when you have witch nails it’s hard to eat food. This is her actual logic for not liking seafood, that and she doesn’t like “cracking things open”.

At NASCAR, they drink a lot, eat poorly3 and Tom Sandoval asks a NASCAR driver to sign his flat iron because of Traditional Masculinity Reasons. I will never understand the appeal of watching a car go in circles over and over again. Even the Monte Carlo Grand Prix seems like it’s just a place for rich people to go and be seen and not give a shit about cars going around and around and around. BOOORING. Then again, most sports bore me. Is NASCAR a sport? This seems like it’d be a debate between two people I hate. Tom Schwartz asks if either Ariana or Brittany would be willing to flash anyone so they can get other stuff, and Jax is basically like “BRITTANY WILL BECAUSE I BOUGHT THOSE BOOBS.”

Jax Taylor is unequivocally a piece of fucking shit.

We’re reminded of that clip from last season when Brittany’s talking about her boob job, and she only wanted a large C, small D, and coked-out, crazy-eyed Jax wanted TRIPLE-D BOOBS4 and rants about how he’s paying for them, so he should get what he wants. I never mention Brittany’s body on this blog because she does get body shamed a ton, particularly over social media - but her having those huge fake boobs (Didn’t she wind up compromising and getting DDs?) isn’t making her look any smaller, particularly on top. Those boobs are too big for her body, and she was probably right to want a large C, small D cup. But how like a man to a) want huge boobs without considering the actual physical ramifications of them5 and b) to insist that because he paid for something, he gets to show it off. Yes, that’s true, Jax. But that’s like giving a dress as a gift to someone and getting angry if they don’t wear it every time they see you. You gave it to them, which means you reneged all rights to comment on what they do with them. Jax needs to learn the word “Agency”, the one that isn’t preceded with “modeling”. Ariana is horrified by this behavior and tells Brittany she needs a new boyfriend. She’s right.

Back in Montauk, Kristen doesn’t know if it’s a “black-tie clam bake”, four words that have never been used together, and Stassi and Katie are being the sad married couple they’re going to be in a few years when Tom Schwartz leaves Katie. Katie calls Lisa because she’s still Lisa’s “assistant”, and Lisa gets her dig into Stassi early. Lisa needs paint, dress samples, and Stassi can only focus on the fact that Lisa didn’t wish her a happy birthday.6

In Sonoma, The Group is on a Ferris wheel, Tom and Ariana are making out, and they’re all kind of like “this trip is the best!” I literally am terrified of Ferris Wheels, the idea of being that high up and going SLOWLY scares me. I’m okay with rollercoasters, but fuck Ferris wheels.

In Montauk, the girls show up for a clam bake, and even I was like “Oh. Wow.” It’s on a beach with lanterns and all sorts of fun time goodness, like a gorgeous table, and champagne, and I want to go to this party. Stassi, in a talking head that I can only hope was filmed after Katie’s wedding, calls it “the prettiest wedding she’s ever been to.” I have this feeling it was, and I’m fueled by this level of shade. Is it bad that I want Stassi and Katie to have another falling out but this time it’s Katie’s fault and her life becomes a shambles? Is that too much to ask for?

They meet the cast of Summer House - Cristina, Kyle, Carl, the twins, et al - and Stassi’s thrilled because it’s attractive, well-dressed young men, which is the opposite from the old guy who tried to buy her a shot last episode. All the Montauk people talk about how despite it being Sunday, they all have to work the next day and are having Sunday Funday Better Than A Monday Can Only Do It One Way And That Is The Drunk Way7 and Scheana’s like “what? You guys have 9-5s? That suuuuuucks for you.” Scheana, you’re a 30-year-old waitress still holding onto a pipe dream of either becoming a pop star or Instagram famous, you literally could not get a job like these people. Don’t get me wrong - there’s great money in the restaurant industry and seasoned servers are to be respected... but I feel like that’s the wrong thing to be morally superior about.

The food is served buffet-style and it all looks delicious - one of the twins is horrified when Scheana admits she doesn’t like fish - and they all sit down to dinner outside on the beach. Stassi gets my dream birthday gift, a magnum of rosé8, and Stassi’s never felt more at home. I really feel like Stassi should have tried harder in New York - I get it, she got wrapped up in her boyfriend during cuffing season - but had she stayed, she probably would still be there and still be the Stassi we loved. Go baaaack, Stassi, go baaaack. I'll be your friend here, I don't have any! Scheana and Kristen sit at the table and turn their noses up to the seafood - Kristen doesn’t know the difference between clams and mussels - and Stassi is rightfully offended. My favorite part is when Scheana’s talking about how you should never eat something with claws and CLICKS HER NAILS TOGETHER because Scheana is a lobster. Nah, lobster is great and Scheana is terrible, Scheana’s like my old roommate’s shitty dog that pooped on my carpet twice, was mildly racist (as was my roommate) and was spiky and not fun to pet. That’s Scheana.

This episode keeps bouncing back and forth between Sonoma and Montauk, but basically, the RV’s full of shit. They overloaded the RV with their clogged toilet. According to Schwartz, it was probably Jax, because he doesn’t know what the “three-sheet-rule” is. If you’re using more than three sheets of toilet paper to wipe yourself, I’m really concerned. Both for you and for your septic tank. The group all jokes about how combative Jax is towards Brittany - they all make fun of him for being a dick and Brittany’s just happy that her feelings are being recognized as valid by others. Brittany is too good for these people and this show and sometimes it makes me sad.

Hot Carl tells Stassi her eyes are gorgeous, and they start talking about: Carl not liking blondes, pubic hair, and whether anyone in the group is dating or has slept with each other. Kristen just goes “so who here has banged?” and for the first time, I may... love Kristen now? Two people are dating, Katie, Scheana, and one of the twins are the only ones that are married or close to it. Stassi’s break up with Patrick is brought up and she starts crying again. Basically, Stassi’s living in fear that if they break up permanently, she might wake up in a year and regret it. Jesus, Stassi. Yes. That could happen. But is it worth the turmoil and the on-again, off-again mishegas? I don’t think so. If you wake up in a year having been separated and want to give it a chance, try it if you’re both single. But don’t let it cripple you. Stassi can’t even bring herself to swipe on anyone on a dating app, that’s how crippled she is. Katie suggests that she just needs someone to grab her boob or needs to give an OTPJ (over the pant hand job, which I had no idea existed until just now).

They’re still happy they don’t have normal jobs so they can’t afford to rent houses in Montauk, though. They feel great that they can’t rent a summer house for their lives. Katie asks who she’s interested in - Stassi rejected Carl because he made fun of her for being on a dating app, but is considering Kyle because he’s cute. And he is. Which means this will end well.

In Sonoma, Brittany’s learning what “charcuterie” means - I guess Sexy Unique Restaurant doesn’t have a meat and cheese course - and Ariana orders pasta and everyone’s thrilled for some reason. Ariana thinks Jax gets off on annoying Brittany, and Tom Sandoval brings up the fact that Jax really just wants Brittany to sit at home, pregnant and barefoot, making him sandwiches. Well, not exactly. He brings up the fact that Jax complains about expecting a sandwich waiting for him.

Jax is supporting Brittany on his own (even though she has a full-time job and says she gives him money) so he feels like he’s allowed to treat her whichever way he wants. Jax was born in 1937 so of course, he has archaic ideas about gender and relationships. Tom Sandoval makes a great point, the same one I made before: you can’t talk to your girlfriend like that, and gifts are not leverage. Jax cannot get over the idea that he deserves a sandwich and says if someone was doing for him what he was doing for Brittany, he’d give them whatever he wanted.

Dear Jax,

Brittany moved from Kentucky to be with you.  She had nothing, no friends, no life in Los Angeles, and gave it all up to be WITH YOU. Without you, she’d be nowhere. You made the decision to support her and she’s doing all she can - we see her doing housework constantly while you sit around and bicker with her.

She’s not becoming “one of these LA girls”, like you said. She’s just not letting you treat her like shit anymore, and neither are the people around her. You can’t make her feel bad when you opted to do something. You made the choice to support her, that doesn’t mean she has to be under your thumb all the time.

Love and hate,

Amanda

Jax thinks Tom Sandoval is trying to give him relationship advice when really, Tom’s just calling Jax out for shitty behavior. Jax is forever the victim and doesn’t understand why he’s the jerk right now. Really, Jax? You’re bringing up issues in your relationship with Brittany in front of a table of your friends with the intention of making her look bad. He’s bothered by her becoming “an LA girl” because he thought he was getting a Southern Belle he could just walk all over like it wasn’t anything.

Jax clearly knows nothing about the women of the South, and what they’re capable of. I don’t doubt Brittany’s the girl who puts a smile on when something bad happens and then behind closed doors is like “THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?” Brittany is great. Jax is terrible.

They all cheers to the great weekend, and of course, Lala comes up again. Basically, they all think she sucks out loud, and Ariana mentions that Lala unfollowed her on social media. OH NO. Ariana decided to be Petty LaBelle and unfollows her right back. This right here? It’s happening. Get into it, drama.

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Lala came to talk to Lisa. Lala turned her phone off all weekend and go radio silent, and also refers to herself in the third person. Lala, stop making it so easy to not like you, I want to like you so much. I do understand this, though. There have been days when I put my phone on airplane mode, silenced everything, and laid in the dark for a while. But I also was massively and cripplingly depressed at the time, not trying to get out of going to a NASCAR race. Lisa’s pissed that she gave Lala time off for vacation but she didn’t go to the vacation, which is none of her business. Lala ditched the vacation because she didn’t feel comfortable around Jax and the fact that The Group cannot keep her name out of their mouth. Lisa, who is a grown ass adult woman, is like, “I hope Lala’s not dating a married man because I feel bad for his wife and she’s better than that” instead of being like “As her employer, it is none of my business whether Lala is dating married man or not.” She feeds into the scandal but doesn’t even give consideration to the fact that it could be untrue. Lisa is a queen but a terrible, terrible boss. Wasn’t she sued by a former employee for creating a hostile work environment? Lala has grounds for a great lawsuit on her hands, considering it all was caught on camera. Lala maintains it’s no one’s business because it isn’t. Lala thinks that because people don’t believe her, it’s better to be aloof than to engage, and pretends it’s an acting job. Girl, this is your life, though.

Lala’s basically going to Lisa, saying “I need to be able to work without people calling me a whore,” and Lisa’s all but saying “I could if I wanted to, but didn’t you bring this upon yourself?” Lala tries to quit, thinking it’s best for her, and she’s right. Lisa’s like, “when you’re a queen, people are trying to bring you down.” Lisa basically reminds her that if she leaves, she’s letting all the shit-talkers win, and she’s better than that. She needs to go out there, stand tall, and not give AF. Lala decides not to quit and isn’t quitting today, but that’s not to say much about tomorrow.

Back in Montauk, Kyle9 keeps calling Stassi “Saucy”, which I think is hilarious - her name is short for Nastassia, which he wouldn’t be able to pronounce either - and they’re staying at this gorgeous, huge house in Montauk. It really is gorgeous. Like, a multi-million dollar house. Katie, Stassi, Scheana, and Kristen all arrive and start drinking watermelon margaritas (with a straw for Scheana) and the girls are straight gagged. Kristen thinks she could go into “business” to be able to afford a house like that. Kyle is interested in Stassi.

Back in Sonoma, we find out that Tom Sandoval and Ariana had sex on the trip and the boys go to join them, leaving Ariana and Brittany alone together. They’re both drunk and talking about Jax being a misogynistic asshole. Brittany gets her second vocabulary lesson of the day when she learns what “misogynistic” means - she thinks it means getting massaged. God, by that logic, I wish all men were more misogynistic. I’d be so relaxed all the time. Brittany doesn’t feel appreciated and doesn’t know what to do if he doesn’t change and change soon. What will happen? Jax is gonna get dumped. Brittany eventually calls him out for not feeling appreciated, and Jax wants a turkey sandwich and Brittany makes ham sandwiches and he views that as being underappreciated. Oh, just come the hell on, Jax. He basically just wants her to make him lunch once in a while - and while yeah, I get that, it’s nice, you didn’t have to berate her and talk down to her like she was nothing in front of your friends or make it seem like it was a guilt thing or hold things over her head.

I mean, Jax. She came with you to your surgery and took care of you. If she didn’t appreciate you, she could have just gone to work.

Everyone back in Montauk is changing into their bathing suits, which of course, prompts a discussion about boobs, fake vs. real. Stassi’s high-neck one-piece is my favorite of them all - it’s sexy while literally being covered up and I want it. The married twin tells Stassi that Kyle is into her, and Stassi gets nervous as hell. I would be too, Kyle is going to chop up your body and put it in a freezer. Kyle is wasted in the indoor hot tub and Stassi’s trying to talk to him. It’s not going well - Kyle mentions that he’s trying not to get a boner - and everyone gets up and leaves Kyle and Stassi alone together.

Tequila Katie is out in full force tonight, blowing people with fans, giving Scheana an icing mustache. She literally looks so wasted and Scheana’s upset because her makeup was messed up by her, and I laughed. So hard. She’s like “I even told Shay not to do that at our wedding!” Scheana is so superficial and vain. Back in the hot tub, Stassi’s pumped because this guy is cute and good looking.

AND THIS IS WHERE THE TRANSITION HAPPENED AND THEY FORCED US TO WATCH SUMMER HOUSE. We get a talking head of Kyle talking about how they’ve been drinking all weekend or something. I was too blinded by rage. Kyle’s wasted, though, and couldn’t remember her name. He literally calls her Steve Jobs for wearing a turtleneck bathing suit. My favorite is that you can see Stassi lose interest so quickly and revert to classic sarcastic Stassi. She loses interest quickly and gives him advice as to how to talk to women because the only way this conversation could be worse is if he was literally Patrick Bateman.

Stassi’s Tips:

Remember girls’ names

Listen when they talk

Don’t compare them to Steve Jobs

Do not tell girls you’re excited to see their nipples

They play rosé pong, and Stassi rejoins everyone and recounts the entire conversation about what an idiot he is. He gets called out by Kristen for offending Stassi, and Kyle’s just a drunken asshole. He tries to apologize, Stassi calls him a douchebag and wants him to remember her name.

He literally can barely say it, he’s so drunk.

See you next week!

Random Assessments From The Desk of Amanda:

IT WAS SO HARD TO CONCLUDE THIS EPISODE BECAUSE IT TRANSITIONED INTO SUMMER HOUSE SO SEAMLESSLY. SORRY ABOUT THE WEIRD ENDING.

Kristen looked the best she ever has in this episode.  Actually, everyone looked gorgeous on the beach, even Katie. Less makeup works so well for these women.

I still feel like this Summer House seamless transition is like an IRL hostage situation.

Scheana says “I hate girls’ trips” but she was dying to go on this one. She literally will do anything to be on camera and get attention. Even her mom was like “make sure you’re still a bridesmaid!” when anyone else’s mom would have been like “GET BETTER FRIENDS.”

Katie being like “What would Lala do, Stassi?” is so rude.

I love that the Summer House Twins are “married twin” and “single twin”. The misogyny is real.

THE FIRST EPISODE OF MY PODCAST IS UP. Listen, tell me what you think! Join Hillary & I as we watch ANTM from the very beginning!

I wound up watching fucking Summer House. ↩︎

Yeah, I said it, and I’m sticking to it. If you live on a coast and don’t like seafood, just move to Chicago or something. There is nothing as good to me as Prince Edward Island mussels and a glass of champagne. Unf. now I want to go to Flex Mussels. ↩︎

This food does look like it tastes amazing, though. ↩︎

That’s traditionally known as an “F cup”, in case you were wondering exactly how big those are. ↩︎

looking top-heavy, back pain, skin irritation and rashes, fear of toppling over because you’re so top-heavy, etc, etc. ↩︎

This comment is so early Stassi it made me miss her. ↩︎

Quit reading this blog and go watch You’re The Worst, the best depiction of depression and modern relationships I’ve ever seen. Aya Cash is golden. ↩︎

My actual dream gift would be a magnum of rose champagne. Seriously. I’m very easy to please when it comes to gifts - is it alcoholic or can I write on it? Donzo. Notebooks and wine, that’s the kind of gal I am. My brother gave us beer for three Christmases in a row, so there’s where it comes from. ↩︎

Kyle seems like the type who watched American Psycho and thought Patrick Bateman was a good guy. ↩︎