#if you need pictures to skim more easily ghgjghghg im sorry this is a Bit of a textbooky thing i guess. as in. it can get boring?

[conoscenze]

self-esteem // part two.

As the title says, this is a continuation of this post, in which are featured five out of the ten muses of this blog. (Number may grow in the future.) Not much else to say!

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF MENTAL ILLNESS, EMOTIONAL & MENTAL ABUSE, AND IN GENERAL COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SELF-LOATHING. Nothing except the latter goes much in detail. Enjoy!

Fujunko, I’d say, has a very normal situation. While she did grow up bullied and isolated from others due to her family situation, she has always been a strong child because of her grandmother’s support. She thinks of herself as pretty okay, average even, and truth be told she lacks a proper conception and opinion of herself because she is always more focused on what she does, rather than who she is. Fujunko is modest and humble, and is aware of her faults and that she should fix them. The prospect of that doesn’t weigh for her, it instead fuels her determination further because she knows she’ll be an even better person once she might succeed. Perhaps the only thing she is a little self-conscious about is her sexuality, or more specifically the fact that she has always lived in an environment that is full of sexualization as well as other things related to sex. For example, not many people know she lives in Kabukicho because she is well aware of that district’s reputation. Along with that, even without having visitors coming over, she prepared a special spot where to hide her hentai manga and porn magazines. Fujunko is conscious of her sexuality and how active her libido is, and she’s not truly ashamed of it---perhaps it’s more of a situation where she would rather not risk looking like a complete pervert. Being degraded to just that would be greatly inconveniencing.

Min-Seo defines her self-worth based on others’ opinions. Ever since she was young, she has always been influenced by the judgement of others, the prime example being her own parents. Self-made people that base one’s worth through what they can achieve and how they can handle business: from the very start Min-Seo was expected to fit in that archetype as well, she was pampered and educated to retain that mindset much like her father and her mother. The moment Min-Seo decided to direct herself towards something less academic, but rather more artistic (cooking isn’t exactly seen as something material, in her family) they turned their backs on her. Maybe she could’ve been able to pass not too unscathed had they just done that. Instead they decided to stick their fingers and salt into the wounds, considering Min-Seo is not a hard read: it’s obvious how she constantly craves approval from others, no matter about what. Her parents were disappointed, and decided to make her understand to what extent they felt hurt. Victims of a crime she never committed in first place. She thinks that acting according to her own personality and morals is wrong in itself. A lot of times Min-Seo doubts her actions, questions her worth, wonders about her existence in itself. The weight that her parents’ expectations have on her back is far too much for her to handle without breaking. Min-Seo can persevere, but one thing is for sure: she will forever be scarred by her own lack of assertiveness. This is her conviction. The way she constantly puts herself down for every little thing may come across as attention-seeking, and it wouldn’t be wrong to think so. In a way, she is craving of attention and validation, even though she constantly denies so if directly asked. She wants to be looked at for who she is, but she is too scared to disappoint others in doing it. Thus, she is content with superficial reassurances and compliments---they satisfy, even if a little, her need for that bit of positivity while not digging in too deep. Because who likes a loser that’s constantly fretting over the future and her own identity?

Marzanna is another complex case, mostly due to the fact that her ego made, for the most part, an incredible shift. Its timeline can be divided very neatly: pre-Nev, the time previous to her “punishment”; and post-Nev, the time spent living in the human world with her reborn appearance, which she dons to this day. It wasn’t exactly a drastic change, as it came gradually with its own time, but the differences between before and after are rather striking. Impressive as they are quite scary. However, as a deity, Marzanna will always retain a sense of superiority. Obviously, pre-Nev she was much more cruel, merciless, violent---a goddess of Death and Winter true to her name. But going along with the myths, even then she possessed a very intricate personality due to her double-nature as a goddess of Harvest and Rebirth. You could say she played “both parts”, even if her nature was still prevalently more inclined to be the vicious Marzanna all humans worshipping her cult feared. That respect and terror in her regards constantly fuelled her ego and pride, hence why she rarely took kindly to those who critiqued her ways and manners (which were basically non-existent). After all the whereabouts in the Underworld, there was a change. Marzanna, the first time she came out of her “cocoon”, did not seem like Marzanna at all. Though it took her time to settle comfortably in her new body and her new life amongst humans, she managed to prove not only to Veles and Perun, but also to herself, that she was capable of being better. Of real emotions other than bitterness, anger, and spite. Marzanna became humble, she felt humble, and wanted to be kind to others without expecting anything in return. This doesn’t mean that she forgot who she was and what she did---Marzanna remembers everything very clearly. And, an important note, is that her “rebirth” did not erase the being she was before. Marzanna is gentle---but she still is prideful, she still can be fearsome, she, of her own will, can hurt others to her liking. The difference is that now her patience is much broader and more difficult to abuse of, seeing as she has learned how to properly control herself. If you bring into discussion the matter of self-worth, though, Marzanna will state with confidence that she doesn’t think of herself as neither too worthless, nor worthy. She is right in the middle. She would be telling the truth. There are certain things she is especially self-deprecating about, such as Jarilo and Vesna and her past wrongdoings, but they don’t feel so heavy that she needs to chastise herself because of them. Rather, she believes acknowledging them will help in avoiding further mistakes that may bring to those very same terrible choices. So, in short, Marzanna has decent self-esteem, and considers herself not exactly the best person, whilst not belittling her own efforts. She strongly believes in self-improvement, and despite not liking enjoying the memories about the things she has done and said, she doesn’t deny having acted upon them out of her own free will. While she is kind around humans, she still retains a bit of sense of condescending superiority, as perhaps remnant of her once-fiery pride. She’s not the kind to abuse of her nature, however, preferring to conceal it.

Annaliese is confident, it’s not difficult to tell. Although her past is rather bizarre---between neglectful, bigoted parents, a difficult life in the orphanage and a quite null life before the one in the convent---she seems to have come unscathed out of most of her experiences. In fact, one could even dare say that no matter how bad a thing could be, she will make the best of it and treasure the good part of her experience. Annaliese is a simple woman with a rather picky mind, because while she does not necessarily forget the horrible things said and done to her, they don’t affect her. They literally wash off as easily as rain. Is it in her nature to be so simply careless? Most’s insecurities (at least in the case of this blog) stem from the fear of other’s judgement and opinions, and they can augment following more events worth of a great shock or a trauma. For some reason, this does not apply to Annaliese---she has a stable view of herself, which is nor exceedingly high nor stratospherically low. It could be her airheadness playing a part as well, considering she’s not too aware of her own flaws and faults: but when met with confrontation about them, as long as it’s reasonable, she is willing to listen (hoping the other party will be kind enough as to explain properly what they mean). Annaliese considers hostile approaches annoying and useless to deal with, and perhaps this way of “shrugging them off” came with the stern teachings of the orphanage she grew up in, which was handled by the clergy. It is very stereotypical, and mostly true, for religious people to be obstinately stubborn about their beliefs. This could apply to Annaliese, who is outright unwilling to communicate with someone who is not able to take on a calmer attitude. Annaliese thinks of herself as decent, and doesn’t really take to mind her flaws nor her merits. She almost only acts on instinct, meaning she doesn’t use her head all that much. This means any ill judgement is typically rejected without batting an eye, and without giving thought to it---almost as if it was never heard in first place. This also means that if she feels unjustly attacked, she will act upon personal pride to try and defend herself.

Momoko is... complex. That, in itself, is not the correct word to describe her situation with self-esteem. Let’s start with the fact that Momoko has a very distorted view on many things, varying from common knowledge to specific psychological matters such as love, affection. She also has a very hard time dealing with what’s real and what’s not, as she constantly lives in a hazy and confused status that’s constantly oscillating between reality and hallucinations. It’s enough of an example to mention how her dreams, as described by her, almost exactly resemble her daily life. Sometimes, her brain---high on medications---creates hallucinations out of nowhere, be it auditory, sensory, or visual. Momoko lives her life constantly on edge because of this. To understand exactly why she ended up living in this perpetual state of uncertainty about what’s real and what not, you’d have to know what happened in her past. Considering that, as of now, it’s for the most part concealed and vague, we’ll try to explain without having to necessarily explore that specific aspect. As a first, Momoko thinks mostly two things about herself: “I’m a miserable piece of shit” and “But at least I’m better than the cockroaches”. She considers herself a despicable, lowly being, without a doubt. But at the same time she contradicts her own belief, by stating that she is superior in comparison to what she calls “cockroaches”. It’s a rather interesting paradox, as well as huge. She hates herself whilst not truly hating herself---confused as her own perception of reality is. Momoko judges others for anything simply because she can, and because she doesn’t feel the need to repress hostile and rude thoughts. It took her some time, and a lot of pressure from her medics, to understand that it’d be best if she kept comments to herself---but when she’s alone, or in a scarcely populated area, she doesn’t refrain from commenting under her breath any and all evil things she can think of. It’s efficient for distancing others from approaching her, is her conscious thought. Subconsciously, she is feeding her own ego, which is dramatically starving for some sort of validation. Momoko feeds her own self-esteem however she can, and since only anger runs through her veins, she will fuel her confidence with hatred towards others. Acting out based on her impulses and pleasures (such as hurting small living beings and being a disturbingly active member of the darknet community) doesn’t truly feed into this illusion of hers, it’s useful to fulfill a sense of utility. Momoko is conscious and makes use of her own intelligence, despite the fact that it doesn’t make her feel good about herself. Her own self-worth isn’t based on her skills. Then if her pride is based on her hatred towards others---the “cockroaches”, as she calls them (though it’s not exclusive to other people); what is her self-loathing based on? A very good question. The most clear-cut answer is her unveiled past, of course, and the events that occurred in her middle-school years. But since we cannot explore that part of her timeline yet, a possible answer could be... her self-consciousness. Momoko has never been particularly subject to bullying---nor to others’ judgement. In fact, while she was often picked on, she just as perpetually fought back with teeth and nails. Momoko always had a strong confidence regarding herself ever since she was a kid. So, one would be curious as to why she would grow up to resent herself to the point which she literally can reach starving points of two full days, one would be dying to understand what is pushing her to risk her (so far) untainted criminal record with all the illegal actions she follows on her own accord. Momoko is conscious of her actions. She knows what she does is horrible. And she doesn’t feel an ounce of guilt. Time and time again she’s bared strong self-fulfilled conviction in her own actions, and rarely does she feel like she is in the wrong. Even when presented with proof, it’s hard to convince her that she might be the one at fault. Then what is it? What is the cause of her self-hatred, if not aforementioned self-consciousness? Could it be something rooted in that so-mysterious event that caused her whole life to go downhill? Honestly? Momoko does not know. She hates herself---because she is human, that much is obvious. She doesn’t feel remorse when she acts vile, and that’s when she feels good about herself. Having emotions is the bane of her. She hates feeling. Perhaps this could be the reason. It’s her own nature as an emotional human being that she despises the most.