#if you've wronged someone you need to apologize to them. there aren't very many exceptions to that rule at all

[bil-daddy]

hi mr bildad um im just gonna dump this here since i have no one else to talk to

as someone who has always praised in their ability to be friends with anyone (i also need human interaction to survive btw) ive been feeling very lonely, especially since now are the school holidays.

my best friend (who is one year older than me) is barely online and doesn't take me seriously enough. and when i ask my friend group (with 2 other people my age) if they want to go out nothing happens. ive asked so many times but it's like they just don't want to hang out. and i keep seeing them post everywhere of them having fun with their OTHER friends (i don't know them bc they're from their primary schools; we are in secondary school now). and the obvious solution is to hang out with my primary school friends, right? well awesome news I DONT HAVE ANY.

and like ive just been feeling really really lonely especially today. i don't even text anyone except for my best friend, and even then she doesnt really respond properly because its like i dump a lot of messages and 4 hours later she skims through them, rinse and repeat.

(also side note i used to have another best friend but he ended up having a crush on me and didn't give me space so i kinda ended the friendship bc i wasn't comfortable with it)

during my entire TWO MONTH school holiday i haven't gone out with friends. not even once. while i see everyone else my age having so much fun and enjoying life while i just rot at home scrolling through tumblr.

so yeah im not really having a great time. hopefully when i get back to school in january things will be better

sorry for the long rant

Hey, kid (human). No need to apologize for the long rant. Actually, I've got a lot to say about this topic, too, so take a toilet break, grab a beverage and a snack, then sit down with your deal old Bildaddy (platonic, metaphorical) for a chat.

First off, sorry you're going through this. It hurts a lot when friends start fading away, and you realize they no longer consider you as close and you consider them. Feeling left out and like you don't have any real friends seriously sucks.

But it's actually something every single person goes through at some time or another--though most of us aren't brave enough to admit it like you have, because it feels embarrassing and shameful. Like there's something wrong with you.

There isn't.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Friends come and go, and 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you, or anything you've said or done. It isn't your fault. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, but it isn't your fault.

But that being said, I promise you, for every person you see pictures of having so much fun and enjoying life, there are twenty--probably even more--at home like you, scrolling tumblr, or tiktok, or reddit, or whatever the kids are scrolling these days.

And even those people you see posting pictures, that isn't their everyday life. They post pics of the good times, not the bad ones (well not usually) or the boring ones. Especially not the boring ones. I bet they do more sitting at home and scrolling than you think. They're just not advertising that for all their followers to see.

But that's not the point. The point is (dolphins! goats!) your current friends aren't fulfilling your need for socialization. And that means you need to find some new friends, anon.

You can still stay friends with your best friend and that old friend group. As in, don't send them a message officially ending the friendship, and don't delete and/or block them everywhere. You can still talk to them in school when you see them.

(Do unfollow them on social media if seeing them hang without you is upsetting--or better yet, pause on using social media entirely--except for tumblr, of course--until you're in a better place, mentally and emotionally. Bildaddy deleted instagram five years ago and never went back.)

But starting today, back off on asking these friends to hang out, and sending long text messages to your best friend that she only skims through. They're not matching your energy, so you need to start matching theirs. Either they'll notice the difference and start making more of an effort (no, not that kind), or they won't and they won't. But either way, you'll stop wasting your time.

Next, you take all the energy you were spending on your old friend group and start looking for new friends.

While you're still on winter break, there might not be as many opportunities, but there are some possibilities. Do you have any cousins around your age who might wanna hang out? Or maybe there are local events aimed at teenagers you can attend? Check libraries and community centers. Or on New Year's Eve, there might be some sort of Parents Night Out event you can volunteer for and help babysit a group of little kids, along with other teenagers that you could befriend?

Then, when winter break ends, look around your school for other students who might be in your same situation--and trust me there are others in your same situation. Is there someone who always sits alone at lunch? Or what about that kid in class who's too shy to speak up? Is there someone getting bullied or ostracized? Someone new to the school who hasn't made any friends yet? Look for the ones who might need a friend as much--or even more--than you do and try to befriend them.

It won't always work, no, cause nothing always works. But it will work sometimes. And you only need it to work enough times to make a couple friends. And if you make the right friend, they might have a friend group that you can join.

I know it's really scary to put yourself out there and make the first move. But you'd be surprised how receptive people are, especially the shy ones who are too scared to say 'hi' first, and rely on the braver ones, like you, for the human connection they need. Because we all need it. (Even me. Because I'm totally 100% human.)

Other ways to make friends are clubs, in school and out of school, which is probably what adults will suggest if you ask them, so I'm not going to spend much time on this. But they're right. If you're not already in clubs--academic, sports, art, books, music, anime, whatever your interest(s) is--join some! If there's nothing of interesting at your schools, churches and other local organizations might also have youth clubs and activities, too.

Shared interests in a sure way to make friends. I see it happening all the time on Tumblr. Those mutuals you wish didn't live so far away? Well, you can find mutuals just like them IRL! (Especially if you start or join a book club that reads Good Omens, or a tv show club that watches Good Omens)

Another option is getting a part-time job at a place other teenagers work. If this is something you can do without disrupting your schoolwork, try it. Fast food restaurants, cinemas, places like that.

You say you're someone who has the ability to be friends with anyone? Well, prove it! This isn't a threat, by the way. This is encouragement. I'm encouraging you.

Now go out there and make some friends, kid! I know you can do it! I believe in you, and everybody here is rooting for you.

And, as always, have an ox rib (platonic)

[ablednt]

Anyway in case any autistic people with allistic friends aren't aware of this yet here's some things that are ableist. If your allistic friends do a lot of these things or do one of these a lot then they're not really your friends at all and you need to do something about it:

Make undermining comments about your autism/minimize it (e.g "you don't really seem autistic" "are you sure it isn't just adhd/depression/etc.?" Only says that you claim to be autistic and never that you actually are, etc.)

Doesn't defend you when someone else is being ableist towards you (e.g their other friend berates you for being self diagnosed or for an autistic trait or for being proudly autistic and they stay silent and do not try to mediate or at the very least make sure you're okay)

Only bring up your autism when it benefits them in some way (to ask you to sign off on their autistic ocs or headcanons, to involve you in arguments they've started about autism, or to use your autism to prove a point at your expense, etc.)

You feel like you're being tokenized in some way/like they only tolerate you because including you makes them look more compassionate

They "disagree" with your autistic headcanons when it's a character that they like or relate to. (They often won't say "I like them so they can't be autistic because I don't like autistic people" but will instead normally provide some incredibly ableist reasons as to why the character cannot be autistic. "They can't be autistic they're such a good leader!" Or "they're neurotypical because they're really happy and they make friends easily!" etc.)

They, of course, accept you for your autism... except they punish any actual autistic traits you exhibit around them/force you to mask your autism around them. ("You talk too much about things no one cares about", "you take up too much space ", "You've made everyone uncomfortable because you can't read the room", "I shouldn't have to tell you what you did wrong to apologize" "why do you keep making everything about you?" "Stop using your disorder to guilt trip us/as an excuse" etc.)

They use neurodivergencies other than autism to deflect from acknowledging their ableism when you do start to question their behavior ("I can't be ableist I have ADHD" or "you being proud of your autism is antirecovery, I'm depressed and it's the same" anything like that.)

They use terminology that makes you uncomfortable often and do not listen when you try to correct them (stuff like functioning labels, aspie labels, person first language, etc.)

They treat autistic people like a monolith and make assumptions about you based on their autistic relatives or autistic characters

They argue with you about autism and act like an authority on it (like debating you on if autistic people feel empathy or not, what is or isn't an autistic trait, what autistic people need, etc.)

They make you feel unreasonable when you criticize their treatment of your autism and accuse autistic people of being prejudice/bias as if reverse ableism is something that exists

You notice they are a lot more persistent in asserting their opinions (especially controversial or reactionary ones) to you than to other allistics (because autistic people are stereotyped as being gullible many allistics like to try and indoctrinate them to fit their exact views. Radfems and transmeds are notorious for this especially)

(Everyone is encouraged to reblog this because I don't feel like I can really reach the people who need to hear it the most)

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Tori Amos quotes

- Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

- I think that people who can't believe in fairies aren't worth knowing.

- I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things.

- Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.

- I have so many different personalities in me and I still feel lonely.

- The violence between women is unbelievable.

- I'm too wacky for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?

- If they keep crashing stuff into the moon, the moon's gonna get pissed off, and the tides'll change, and all the women'll start PMS-ing together. Then you guys are going to fucking regret it.

- If you really want a challenge, just deal with yourself.

- I don't see myself as weird, I just see myself as honest.

- I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can't have the dream without the nightmare.

- Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much.

- Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.

- On some of my darkest days, Lucifer's the one who comes and gives me an ice cream.

- Most people would rather be sheep than stand on their own with antlers on.

- The sense of loss is such a tricky one, because we always feel like our worth is tied up into stuff that we have, not that our worth can grow with things we are willing to lose.

- When you've got the virgin and the whore sitting next to each other, they're likely to judge each other harshly.

- I think you have to know who you are.

- Get to know the monster that lives in your soul.

- Dive deep into your soul and explore it.

- I don’t want to renounce my dark side.

- The truth has always held an enormous interest for me.

- Healing for me is being able to sit next to the butcher and say 'Yes, I’m sitting next to the butcher now,' instead of saying 'there is no butcher'.

- This is very simple in the world of chicks; some are hoochies, some are not, and some should never try to be.

- We don't often see our own stories. Good artists are the ones that whisper our own stories back to us.

- Music is about all of your senses, not just hearing.

- Again, we go back to the power of words and how they can make you feel. They bring liberation or stagnation, they're chains.

- You don't have to apologize for growing and learning and changing your mind.

- Music has an alchemical quality.

- Certain relationships can just wear you down.

- Containment of your opinion is a must if you are going to nurture an artist's development.

- It's a good thing I'm curious, because sometimes I just research how a soccer player kicks a ball and the impact it has on his foot. I haven't used this yet, but I might.

- But over the years you can cultivate hate for the art you love.

- I don’t believe anyone’s story is boring. Every story has value because it belongs only to you.

- Sometimes I fantasize backstage about how people do their laundry. Woolite? Mixed-color loads? Do they fold? Do they press? Do they Shout it out? And the thing that kills me—do their whites come out dingy?

- Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change.

- We like our pain. And we’re packaging it, and we’re selling it.

- Festivals or radio shows can be the heavyweight championships of arrogantly detached clusterfucks.

- People who are addicted to power can live on the same street or attend the same school as us or even play on the world stage.

- None of us are this light and dark fantasy. What's dark to you may be light to me and vice versa.

- I don't think that many performers necessarily want to see their audience empowered. I think a lot of performers, no different from priests, need the hierarchy.

- Modern, celebrity-driven entertainment turns the stage into an altar, and so many celebrities refuse to be removed from those altars once they manage to ascend.

- All storytellers, all troubadours worth their salt knew their myths.

- The Sídh's historical myth is the source of the bastardized concept of a fairy—as if anyone gives a rat's ass.

- The problem with Christianity is, they think everything is about outside forces, good and evil. There's not a lot of inner work encouraged.

- Over the last few hours I've allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore.

- I'm the queen of the nerds.

- Don't give up. Don't listen to these foolish critics that are so small minded they don't get it tonight.

- Sometimes listening to music can motivate you.

- I think even in a good marriage, especially if you stay together long enough, there are going to be events that happen.

- An ounce of breast milk is even more potent than the finest tequila.

- Music is always a reflection of what's going on in the hearts and minds of the culture.

- Many people lock a part of themselves away. It's a bit sacred.

- I've always seen the songs as having a consciousness.

- Our world is a huge mess right now, and not big enough for masses of intolerant people.

- We are all fairies living underneath a leaf of a lily pad.

- That is some funky-fresh, pop lockin' shit.

- If I saw someone destroy a piano I'd fuckin' kill 'em. Wouldn't think twice.

- I experiment with things that are usually an internal experience, because that's just what excites me. And yes, it does sometimes give me visions.

- Some of those trips were eighteen hours long and I'll never forget, once I ended up sitting by the bush trying to ask the flowers why they didn't like me. It's like, Why can't I be your friend?

- You might not like my story because I'm not gonna tell you how it ends yet, and you need to travel it with me.

- I just imagined a huge juicy vagina coming out of the sky, raining blood over all those racist, misogynist fuckers.

- You can't control your popularity

- If you can't create physical life, you find a life force. If that's in music, that's in music.

- I started to find this deep, primitive rhythm, and I started to move to it.

-I held hands with sorrow, and I danced with her, and we giggled a bit

- I usually get myself into situations that cause sparks.

- I love feeling alive, I love walking out in the cold in my bare feet and feeling the ice on my toes.

- For the most part, pianos are female to me.

- Anger is natural. It's part of the force. You just have to learn to hang out with it.

- In our minds, love and lust are really separated.

- I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs

- When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch your own heart, how do you expect to touch other people?

- Guys would sleep with a bicycle if it had the right color lip gloss on. They have no shame. They're like bull elks in a field.

- Your worst enemies are made when you ignore people.

- It's as if the horses have come to take us back, to descend, to find the dark side. By dark I mean what's hidden, not necessarily satanic.

- There's room for everybody on the planet to be creative and conscious if you are your own person. If you're trying to be like somebody else, then there is isn't.

- Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be.

- You know that saying, bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie.

- I'm not a habit, I'm a lifestyle.

- There are a lot of hidden nerds.

- People who become the front runners often used to be outcasts or loners.

- Um, don't get me wrong because I love boys, it's just that sometimes we don't need you.

- There are only ten ideas under the sun. What makes the difference is how you spice them.

- So I'm in Virginia, and I had crabs--I keep saying that! I had crab sickness, I had eaten bad crabs in Maryland!

- I'm a winter girl; I like coming out when things are desolate and everybody's ready to slit their wrists.

- You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people.

- I've never played the guitar, except throwing it against the wall cause it was pissed off I couldn't play it.

- Truly, I was a sweetheart when I was little, like the Honeysuckle Faery. Sweet-pea. But sweet-peas are not popular after second grade. Sweet-peas become nerds really fast.

- I really enjoy having a giggle with a friend, but then someone crosses my line, then I don't really take it lightly.

- I sometimes forget I'm not 7'2" and a Viking.

- A boundary was crossed. And maybe I drew a boundary, consciously.

- It was a bit violent, a bit sexual.

- When nothing makes sense, music seems to come and bring me a margarita and sit down with me.

- You don't have to justify everything. Being pissed off is just absolutely okay.

- There is a level of the vampire in me, which is OK.

- It hurts me when a woman doesn't come through for me, more than a man.

- I'm a grown woman. I've earned my experiences, my scars.

- What is an angel but a ghost in drag?

- I'm beginning to accept and love the parts of me, of women that I was trained to hate all my life.

- People can be so vicious toward the imaginary world and it saddens me. You kill a lot of little people's dreams that way.

- Even if you don't read history or you aren't interested in anything that happened before the '60s, there are reasons why we think the way we do.

- That's how the story goes but I don't believe the story.

- I would find myself either the lovey-doveyest-woviest sweet pea, or a mad-woman.

- I believe in eating.

- You can't change what happened. And nobody's asking you to forgive.

- Why be afraid of these cuddly, soft, adorable things?

- I have good days. Like if I get really good coffee ice cream with just the right amount of chocolate syrup.

- A lot of people see themselves as victims, even when you have to stand in line for ice cream.

- It's so difficult to be critical of children because they need to discover themselves. We're always telling them, "No, the tree has green leaves!"

- I'm tired of being a rebel. Now I just want to be me.

- When things get really empty for me, empty in my outer life, in my inner life, the music world, the songs come across galaxies to find me.

- Do you know what it's like to be a girl and have blood running down your legs and think that you're dying, just because no one's told you that's what happens? It's horrible.

- An angel's face is tricky to wear constantly.

- Mess with me and you will not survive.

- I think that happiness is when you can let yourself feel every emotion you want at any time instead of being a lying little fuck.

- I'm not into this dieting thing.

- The cross has been used as a weapon, as it has been used against all women throughout the ages. And that's the greatest evil of all.

- I think you've got to find a giggle somewhere in stuff that would scare the poop outta ya.

- A cornflake girl is Wonderbread whereas a raisin girl is whole wheat bread.

- I would like to think I'm a raisin girl, because in my mind they're more open minded. Cornflake girls are totally self centered, don't care about anything or anybody.

- I like butter and the people who like butter."

- I'm known as that girl who has tea with the Devil.

- I'm not afraid of sadness.

- Everybody has creativity and each person has it in a different way. Some people aren't musical, some musicians can't even think about painting or gardening. There's so many different ways to be creative.

- I wanna be burned, definitely burned, like the witches.

- Give the kids tools, so they can go build their own houses; not the blueprint of what the houses should be.

- Look at me now. I'm breast feeding pigs.

- I wish I had more of a sense of humor.

- I can be so hard on people.

- If somebody's being a jerk, I would like to go wee on their head. And then I do that, mentally.

- The people on the internet know more about what I am doing than I do. Like, they will say that I am going to be in this mall on this day, and sure enough, I am there!

- I'm like a lioness who kills her own prey and no one else has to kill for her. But if some other lioness comes to me and says "I just got a good prey, do you want a piece?" I can say "of course" - and the other way around.

- There are things that I would disagree with Jesus about, and I feel really good about that.

- History has recorded some pretty nasty things that have happened to people. I think we remember. I think it's in our cells and I think it can still hurt sometimes."

- I don't believe in the saying that it all happens for the best, it's just not appropriate.

- Of course I believe in past lives, I mean, three quarters of the human race believes this, it's not like a great new thought here.

- I use innocence in my demeanor like a Venus flytrap.

- I do like to talk about things no one wants to hear at the dinner table.

- I'm not interested in being a really nice person; I want to be a creative, responsible person that's balanced.

- Boys are cute but food is cuter

- Do any of you dream about crocodiles?

-I know I dream about crocodiles. I'm obsessed with them.

- If people can't see things from the other side that's not my problem, it's theirs.

- I think I give equal time in my hatred, right?

- Sometimes I'm mad at some guy, sometimes I'm mad at some girl, and sometimes I'm totally loving some guy, so and sometimes I'm loving some girl.

_ Well, Pele is the volcano goddess and I thought of like, um, sacrificing some of the boys in my life to her but then I decided that that wasn't really a very good idea.

- Anger originates from envy and outrage, not being seen, not being heard.

- We don't know where souls go when they die. We don't know a lot of things. We didn't create the planets. We didn't do this all by ourselves. So, therefore, why wouldn't there be a creative force if it can create humans and planets?

- I've been hanging out with some of the Hell's Angels in England. They're some of the sweetest people I've ever met.

- Real friends have to be understanding of each other, and their faults.

- I think I'm really hard to get to know on a personal level.

- Thailand is calling me.

- People I see laughing all the time, check for razor blades in their anal-force underwear, because it's just a little lie.

- I'm not interested in taking drugs. I do hallucinogens once in a while for journey experiences.

- I hear the wine. It's like a structure. I see it as a piece. I hear it before I taste it. It's calling me. And then I start to hear it when I'm tasting it.

- Not that I use crystal suppositories, I'm not New Age.

- A peach tree says, 'Some of me will be juicy and some of me will be dry I'm not growing for you; I grow because that's what I do.' You always hear some person complain about how dry their peach is and the peach says, 'It's not our fault you have no understanding on the proper use for dry peaches.'

- My theory is that women were the Mona Lisas for a long time and now men are Mona Lisas with little goatees. They are our muses.

- If you're gonna tell a story, you have to grow into the head of the rapist as well as the raped.

- He was a lite sneeze, and not the flu. Most boys would like to think they're the flu, wouldn't they? But they're really just a achoo.

- If you call me an airy-fairy new age hippy waif, I will cut your penis off.

- It's a double-edged sword and if you pretend you don't want it you're a liar and that is going to rip your soul to pieces.

- I'm always dreaming that these bulls are chasing me. Half the time I don't get away - I almost get over the fence, and then they gore me.

- I believe in energy, everything is energy. And therefore sometimes magic can be created if somebody is open to letting energy do what it does, instead of being so cynical, that you miss magic happening.

- I feel like a work really has many sides to it when people have such extreme reactions. When a work is greeted with just, 'Oh, you know, it's nice', then it's not affecting people. So love it or hate it, that's okay.

- I am a real believer in looking at pain and taking it out shopping.

- The music is the magic carpet that other things take naps on.

- I just try to strip myself, peel myself like an onion. At different layers I discover stuff.

- Why is the world where it is? It's so deep-rooted, if we really start looking, and we might not like what we find. But I think we have to, we have to ask the questions.

- I'm beyond the fury of youth.

- I love young women who are angry. They're wild mustangs.

- I didn't want her looking and hearing me and thinking, "Oh my God, that's a scary lady!"

- They felt that it was detrimental material for their children and that it was blasphemous.

- They've decided they kinda' have you figured out.

- My nightmares are so bad, that I mostly reject it when my friends want to take me to a cinema to watch a horror movie. Then I say, "No, thank you. I will dream in a few hours."

- I don't know of anybody who's gonna be fulfilled if they get hit by a bus. You have to surrender to that eternal need to be fulfilled.

- How do you know I'm not having a margarita with Jesus tonight at 10 o'clock?

- Let's be honest, religion has not supported women and men exploring all sorts of their sides, their unconscious. It has not been supportive of, you know, go into the places without shame, without blame, without judgment, and just let yourself really see what's cooking in there.

- I think human beings are so much more capable of what they told us we're capable of.

- Anyone can attend yoga, kabbalah classes, church, lectures by the 'Dalai Lama', yada, yada, yada - but can you be present for your life, and live with the way you treat other people?

- Only a few people should have a "greatest hits". I'm not one of those people.

- I feel like our leaders have hijacked America's personality, and taken her to personality plastic surgery school. And they decided this is who she is.

- The playground is the biggest war-zone in the world.

- You have to read visionaries to have visions.

- They squash the baby bird because their bird got squashed.

- I love reading. I'll read the first sentence and if it makes sense to me I pick it up.

- It's ridiculous saying there's only one true faith, it's like saying there's only one map to get you up the mountain. I want to see those other maps, man.

- I kinda have all the aspects of my personality round one table for spaghetti.

- If it's too loud, turn it up.

- I was doing drugs with a South American shaman, and I really did visit the devil and, well, I had a journey.

- There is no passion without broken crockery.

- You have to ask, how could a nation nearly vote in somebody who isn't qualified for the job?

- We're living in a frightening time and I wish people would wake up and realise they're surrendering their civil liberties.

- Who wouldn't want to shag a queen?

[soft-foxxay]

Neglectful • foxxay

Lately, Cordelia had been putting more effort on her position as supreme than anything else, including her relationship with Misty. And lately, Misty had been feeling way too lonely that she started to think that Cordelia is neglecting their relationship on purpose. They barely have little night conversations that usually don't happen because Cordelia is often too tired.

That night wasn't much different, Cordelia was out to manage some stuff leaving Misty alone to deal with her loneliness. Misty was trying to get herself busy with some plants at the greenhouse before she started suffocating with her own overthinking. The tears  threatened her eyes and she felt her explosion approaching, so she let go of what she was doing and decided to go back inside and drown all the useless thoughts with sleep.

As she got in, she caught the sight of Zoe and Madison chattering in the hall, more like lowly arguing, with the fireplace dimly illuminating the white walls. She tried to make her steps unheard as she made her way upstairs, avoiding any kind of contact with the other witches.

She turned the light off as soon as she entered the room, letting the room drown into the darkness, as if she was afraid invisible creatures would see her tears if they fell. She buried herself beneath the covers and gave sleep a way into her, but sleep wasn't there to come.

This was even more torturing to her, to lay awake in bed, surrounded but the emptiness of the room and struggling with her demons that started to swallow her alive.

In that meantime, Cordelia shut the door behind her as she got into the big white mansion, her eyes scanning the place on hope to find Misty somewhere around, but instead all she could find was the two girls disagreeing with each other as usual.

"Where's Misty?" The supreme questioned, a serious tone of concern adoring her voice. Her voice made the two girls lift their heads up towards her.

"How am I supposed to know? My girlfriend or yours?" Madison hurried to answer, clearly showing her annoyance.

Cordelia let the sigh drift out of her lips at Madison's unhelpful answer, and decided to go look Misty by herself. Guilt was running in her veins and burning her up on the inside, she wished that she had spent more time with Misty, not only because she knew that Misty was probably upset now, but also because she missed her so much. She missed everything about her one true love.

She was met by the darkness of the room once she stepped in. Unlike every night, Misty wasn't waiting for her, which grew heartache in her at some point. She took off her shoes and every cloth that covered her body except her underwear and bra before she lied in bed with her arms wrapped around Misty's still waist.

"I don't wanna talk to ya." Misty uttered, which caused the other woman to let go of her much needed sleep and pour her attention on Misty.

"Why is that, love?" Cordelia let her voice fill the room as she planted a bunch of gentle kisses of Misty's bare shoulder.

"Ya know why." The swamp witch tried to suppress the tears within her eyes, but seemingly all her attempts fell off a cliff when her cheeks got damp with tears.

Cordelia did know, by rewinding everything that happened between them through the previous week she came to realize she was pretty neglectful, in a painful way. Her eyes were opened to the fact that she'd been treating Misty like any normal witch in her coven more than a girlfriend. And by that time she came to understand why Misty was upset, she had the right to be.

"I'm sorry I-" She tried to speak, but not even apologizing could wipe away the guilt she felt. How did she not realize before, how did she not see how hurt her lover was, because of her.

"Yeah sure." Misty immediately replied, cutting off Cordelia. The pain her voice added more onto Cordelia, crushing her heart into dust.

She pulled Misty even closer, nuzzling her head into her neck. She filled her senses with Misty's scent like a needed medicine. In one moment she felt like her tears were about to burst out of her eyes in a way she wouldn't resist, but she knew she had to stop herself.

"I'm so sorry, baby. Listen, I know I've been- a big great pain in the ass and I'm not saying I'm not the one to blame, I was wrong for being so damn neglectful. But hey, maybe we can make up now? I was already planning for something for us tonight but to find out that you've already went to bed ruined it, but we're good, okay?" The supreme spoke, in a gentle voice tone that was a little shaky, brushing away a hair lock that blocked the view of Misty's face.

"It doesn't matter, we make up tonight but as you wake, you're no different." Painfully, Misty replied, stabbing a thousand knives right into Cordelia's heart.

"At this point, you're wrong. I just don't want you ever think that all this neglect we've been going through is intended or anything, it's just a tough while we're going through and it will be washed away, from now." She gently whispered into Misty's ear ever so lowly as if she feared someone from outside the walls would hear. She pressed her lips softly on her lover's cheek in a soothing manner, tasting the slight taste of salt the tears left behind.

"We're good, aren't we?" In more like a worried voice Cordelia asked, her heart started beating with concern and her mind made images of what she feared most when she got nothing from Misty as a reply.

In that very moment, as if Misty could tell how concerned Cordelia was, she turned towards the supreme, face to face with her lover as she planned on exposing what was in her heart like an open book.

"I - I was just too scared you don't want me anymore, you don't want us. That thought got me losin' my shit. I - I don't wanna lose you, Delia." She bit on her inner cheek in hard attempts to gather the tears inside her eyes, to make her voice come out as strong as she desired, but before she could even tell, she broke down in tears and became a raging mess of sobs, like a fragile piece of glass shattering in between Cordelia's arms.

"Hell, no no no! This is not happening, erase this thought off your head!" Cordelia tightened her grip on Misty, as if she was trying to keep her together, to keep her from falling apart. She wiped as many tears as she could with the palm of her hand but Misty's tears couldn't seem to stop.

Cordelia tilted the swamp witch's head up a little so she could see the sparkles in her eyes with more of the clearance. Fireworks started lighting up her chest the moment she looked at Misty's eyes, realizing all over again how beautiful everything in her was, in the same time realizing how much of an asshole she was to not care much for such an angel.

She tangled their lower limps together in the form of a cuddle, and wrapped her arms tight around Misty's waist as if to keep her close forever. Only then, Misty's tears stopped flowing like a river out of her eyes, and there was finally an end limit to her sobs that seemed endless a moment ago.

"I want you to be with me forever, no force in the world could ever tear us apart, and that's the only thing I know for certain. I wanna spend every moment I have left with you because during this time I was distant I figured out how fucked I'd be if you ever wanted to let go of me." She smoothly said, more like a whisper, while running her fingers through Misty's wild mess of golden curls.

"You are more like the oxygen I breathe, maybe even more important, more like the light to my eyes. Your existence in my life is an actual necessity, quite simply. If I didn't have you I'd sure be lost, lacking love and maybe even life." She continued her business of brushing Misty's mess of a hair as she spoke.

"I - I love you, like so much." She heard Misty whisper back at her, her voice sounded faint and ever so fragile, lovely in all definitions. With this statement, she was finally feeling the peace of mind, knowing that everything will be just fine even before the sun of the morning shows itself.

"I love you, oh well I adore you. I need you, most of the time it just gets difficult to live knowing that you're not around. I want you, forever." As she spoke, she seemed to be drifting away in her own fantasies and wild imaginations.

Her index finger escaped her control and went under Misty's chin in order to tilt her head up enough for Cordelia to look at her straight in the eyes. Once Cordelia's eyes met Misty's she saw glimmers of hope and love adorning the ocean blue eyes, she saw an entire galaxy of stars roaming in her eyes, beautifully. A hint of a smile lit up the once sad face, giving it a whole different kind of perfect.

Every part of her disobeyed, every part of her ran away from her control, and this effect became significant on her when her lips hovered over Misty's, hesitant to make the move until an urge in her crashed her lips against the petal soft lips of Misty in a gentle kiss that worked absorbing all their discomfort, all troubles away, throwing all to the ocean as if it had never been.

The kiss grew more passionate, more heartfelt when they both needed such thing a long while ago to regain their vitality. Cordelia took Misty's lips in hers ever so  gladly, letting her silently know that she'd go to the ends of the Earth to get this kiss if she had to,and on the other hand, Misty kissed back quite soulfully to complete their passionate action.

Seconds after, their lips parted, still leaving a sweet effect on each other. Misty's head rested comfortably on Cordelia's chest, with Cordelia's arms already wrapping around her and running her fingers through her hair. They went back to the state of peace they wished to return to, and finally, the quietness after the storm was theirs to claim.

"I will be with till my last dying breath, and that's my promise."

[smonk-wonk]

how do you know your friends are real? (genuine question, not trying to imply anything about yours)

I've had a lot of shitty fake friends that have hurt me. Anyone who knows me well enough is aware of that 🥴 And when you get out of those controlling, abusive, and/or toxic dynamics, it's way easier to spot the red flags. You get treated how you should have been treated then and it's consistent

If they make a mistake and hurt me which is inevitable even in healthy dynamics, they don't take offense to being told or made aware that they've hurt me. A lot of people who I thought were my friends would turn it around on me or beat themselves up so much that they became the victim. "I'm a monster! I'm gonna delete discord! I'm so sorry I'm always fucking up I'm a big stupid fuckup!" knowing that as someone who was easily manipulated I was going to be the one giving them comfort and attention and probably be the one apologizing for some reason. An ex "best friend" particularly loved to do this. A number of ex friends really

But now that doesn't happen. Yeah they might get super upset and blame themselves because guilt is normal when you've hurt someone you love. I get very upset when i hurt someone I love. But they don't bring attention to or make a show of their misery and instead work things out in a constructive way and do their best to make sure their focus is to learn from what they've done and never do it again

After long enough, fake people show patterns and red flags. I ignored those and part of that is related to the black and white thinking and idealization related to BPD. The feeling that the other person can do no wrong and even if they do, I'll be okay and probably caused them to do it anyway. And it didn't take much to convince me that even fucked up things, and I mean super fucked up things weren't that bad.

I know my friends aren't fake because I can look at the fake ones and go "wow that was so fucked up" and see a huge contrast between that and the behavior I see now. The growth from mistakes, the genuine unconditional love, not having anything expected of me, not doubting my own feelings about them, I could go on.

And it's refreshing not feeling like I'm walking in a minefield and having to cater to and not hurt them at all costs. That was a major problem with that specific volatile ex "best friend" I mentioned. And most of my exes. Except "hurting" them was usually things like expressing feelings or pointing out something they did wrong or wanting a need met or trying to set a boundary. I was told those things were hurtful so I didn't try to anymore. They knew what was best for me and what I should think or feel, after all

It's the fact that the friends I used to have would drain me but when people hurt you for long enough you brush it off because you'll put yourself through a lot just to get the serotonin from the happy parts. It felt worth it because we also had great times, and in toxic dynamics that sort of trauma bonding will confuse you and you think "it's not so bad, they did something out of kindness that they didn't have to do recently. They comforted me today. They watched something with me that I picked out" and often they hold that over you too as "proof" of how good they are to you

And also unlike many of those dynamics, in my current friendships boundaries aren't just allowed, but encouraged on both sides. We're allowed to say what we think or feel or want or need without it becoming an argument. Third parties who genuinely care about me don't comment that something's off about my friends or point out something they did wrong so I feel like I have to make excuses for them. In fact my friends tend to point out toxic patterns and red flags that I wasn't aware of before so I can avoid them in future interpersonal relationships because they don't want to see me get hurt that way again

They also don't enable me when I fuck up. They tell me, and that was one of the hardest red flags to spot in the past because of how much I defined myself by my own perception of justice and my self righteousness. They not only don't hurt me, but if I hurt other people they go "this is what you did wrong, own up to it". Other people would encourage or pressure me to think or act a certain way (which I am responsible for), or stand behind me and justify me doing things that caused hurt. But my current homies not only grow but they want to see me grow too

It's just love, and I'm happy. That's how I know