#ig that's what I get for not using google docs...I hate myself

[alihightowers]

pretty sure I just love everything I've written in the past few years...

[juniperpyre]

hi! for the ask thing: 8, 9, 11, 15, 17, 18, 20, 21, 23, and/or 30 :)

so many of these answers are earth after rain because i am obsessed! this is like an essay almost lol

What fic meant the most to you to write? & What fic made you feel the happiest to work on?

8&9 are the same two answers, the only multi chapter fics i had this year, earth after rain and somewhere on lsd.

earth after rain is the only multi chapter fic i've ever finished!! and i've been very stressed this fall so it helped with escaping that. there's something very therapeutic about writing such an obsessive, unhealthy relationship, plus i'm glad mal liked it bc it was inspired by her art.

somewhere on lsd i love sm bc it takes place in chicago, where i live & grew up, and the lily & regulus & fabian friendship is based on these insane characterizations my friend (who is also from chicago) and I created. so it's like a love letter to chicago and my friend as well as jily

What fic was the most difficult to write?

unsurprisingly it's earth after rain. i paid more attention to the prose than usual to get a gothic feel, and from lily's pov i would look at the time period usage that comes up when you google a word and if it was recent i would not use the word.

plus they have some sex that is not to my taste, but very in character, so that was hard. and the blurry line between lily wanting to drink james' blood and fuck him was challenging. multiple times i dialed it back bc while I felt I was writing her in character and realistically it was becoming really not sexy. AND i'm not catholic.

What was the hardest fic to title?

i think earth after rain?? i hate titling fics and i wanted this one to also have a thematic or metaphorical meaning and sound like foggy woods

Share your favorite opening line

ig it's from earth after rain, there's a lot of something like foreshadowing. obviously rain/weather is significant here

It started raining when James left his father’s side, and it hadn’t stopped since.

Share your favorite ending line

this is from supercut, a one shot for my nichest ship, fabian/lily, which i could actually go on about for ages even tho fabian has no canon character traits. also it's multiple lines but whatever whatever.

i like how it captures the emotional moment lily would have been at 16/end of fifth year

Lily wanted so much, too much. Always, she'd stemmed her hunger, hid the ravenous, the instinct, sex, anger, the sharp bits of her that cut. Fabian liked it when she cut. When she bit into him. He wanted more. She’d give it, happily.

Share your funniest line

i think somewhere on lsd is very funny but a lot of it is longer dialogue so here's something short

“A weirdo you want to bend you over the—” Lily slapped Marlene on the shoulder. “Shut up! The only thing I want is… a good tip.” “What kind of tip?”

What's something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story?

I answered this for earth after rain but god i want to make myself think about another fic. i wrote a little one shot with sirius & his mom where we see sirius being parentified and i didn't intend for him to be parentified when i started, just to show his similarities to his mother. interesting tho bc harry kind of is parentified in his relationship with sirius 👀

What writing programs did you use? Did you write by hand?

i use google docs and scrivner (i paid for it, i do like it a lot)

What would you like to write next year?

more canon!! i want to write more character exploring stuff, more one shots, I have an idea for a series of james pov one shots all based off of lines of the same song so I realllly want to actually do that. i also have a hunger games au fjdklsfj that i want to start publishing in the new year.

also bc i need to write unhealthy relationships, ig, teacher/student jily set in 1990s wizarding world (lily is like 25 and james is like 45 and married)

[une-femme-de-lettres]

YEEEEESSSSSSS

I FINALLY ARRIVED TO YOU ON MY SUPPORTIVE RAMPAGE THAT J DEFINITELY WASNT TRYING TO DO THIS WHOLE TIME WITH TUMBLR BEING A BRAT AND CRASHING!

IT'S YOUR TURN FOR THE SUPPORTIVE MESSAGE

PREPARE THYSELF

FOR MY CHEESINESS TO SHOW ITSELF IN MY SUPPORT!

Okay with all that dramatic intro over that's atleast a little bit of energy gone so hopefully I can be calm enough 😅

First of all thank you so freaking much for indulging in my excitement for trying out fanfic writing for the first time and being a really cool friend 😁

Next I'll swoon about your writing so buckle up and keep your hands and feet inside the safety box at all times during my hyperfixation on your fics 😅

You're so fuckin amazing at writing holy shit, GIVE ME YOUR SKILLS 😭

I can't get enough of your fics just like I can't get enough snuggles from animals! (And that's saying something that I'm comparing the two). Your fics are like drugs to me except not deadly (unless I get diabetes from Soap being so fuckin precious I swear)

Plus I don't do drugs but I'll EAGERLY indulge myself on your fics. You're 100% one of if not my favorite fanfic writer for COD MW2... HELL maybe even my favorite fanfic writer of all time! (Though, full disclosure, I might be a bit biased since you actually talk to me and interact with me on a semi daily basis depending on if I got more COD MW2 filth stuck in my head that I'm too excited excited tell you to wait to make a fic or headcanon out of it)

Pleeeaaaseee don't be weirded out by this all, I get super excited to have friends and even more excited to compliment them 😅 I'm just not used to having friends ig

Anyways, I can't thank you enough for being so nice and cool! And not enough words can be used to explain how much I look up to you (kinda like how a younger sibling looks up to their older sibling like they're the coolest person ever and all that jazz)

Reminder this is all purely platonic (don't mind me worrying too much about how people perceive what I say 😅🥲) so please don't take any of this the wrong way 🙏

I'm super heckin excited to finish the first chapter of the series and the mistletoe headcanons (I'm away from home rn and I'm doing it in a Google docs because the tumblr app hates me or my phone, mayhaps even both)

Keep up the amazing work friend! If you ever need and support or comforting words let me know! Yes I'm always affectionate to my friends and yes I may be weird according to social standards but that comes along with life experiences and being me 😅

Don't let any haters get to you, you're a lovely person and friend and an absolute master at fanfics

Oh, and you dropped this queen, I saved my favourite gif crown for you

I did not expect this OMG Thank you so much 😭😭😭😭😭

Your message means so much to me !!! I've been insecure about my writing skills for a few months now and the COD MWII fadom allowed me to shift back to my natural writing style and have fun again with writing !!

I'm so glad my work is inspiring you to make your own fics, the more stories there are out there, the better honestly !!! And you have so many wonderful ideas that deserve to be put into words !!!

I've been lucky to not have to face haters so far in my writing journey but what can really put someone down is the sheer lack of interaction (reblog and comments). The COD MWII fandom has been better to me than other fandoms so far but this is still something that is frequently talked about on here. That's why I'm glad there are people like you to share your enthusiasm with authors through asks and messages. You're awesome, I love you ❤️

Thank you again, stay awesome, keep writing 🥰🥰

[yopsocs-illus]

Writeblr Intro

**edit: moved to @paradisiacalshroud

So, since I'm intending to post more of my writing on here, I've decided to join writeblr.

My name's Franklin. I'm 10 days away from turning 17. I'm trans and aroace. I use he/they pronouns and prefer he/him. Ig I could consider my self a "gifted kid", but I really I just have adhd. I wasn't sure if I should join writeblr honestly, but I do follow a good amount of writers on this account and my main account and I do write more often than I draw, so....

More About Me & My Writing:

I've always enjoyed reading a lot and storytelling. I really want to tell stories, and I'm very passionate about my writing, but it isn't something I could ever do as more than a hobby, even if I want to get anything published.

World building is my jam. I absolutely love world building. Many of my stories explore that world building, as all of them (except one) take place on the same planet, Dirt, in different countries. World building is so fun!!!

My biggest audience in my writing is myself. I do share my writing with others sometimes, but a lot of what I write is written to cater specifically to myself.

My writing style is influenced by how many of my favourite writers go about storytelling. It's hard to describe what my style is like though. I find my writing gets influenced by whatever book/writing I read last that inspires me. It also depends on what sort of vibe I'm trying to create in a piece. A collection of short stories I'm working on, for example, has a more old sort of vibe to the writing, in a way. The stories in it are sort of like fairytales, and I take inspiration from older, fairytale-esque books I read as a child to create that nostalgic fairytale feeling in my writing.

In my writing style, I also really enjoy playing with phrasing and how I use words. I like to create pictures with my writing, and I like placing words in specific orders to evoke a specific feeling in the reader. Especially in my more fantastical and fairytale-esque pieces, I like to play around with unconventional phrasing. (Google Docs hates me for it lol.)

Honestly, I don't tend to write with an audience in mind, or with a much of a genre in mind. I mostly write fantasy and science fiction, sometimes a combination of both. Even in my one piece of contemporary fiction, there are elements of science fiction and fantasy. Fantasy is a genre I cannot live without. There's so much you can do within the fantasy genre.

I try to explore different themes and genres within fantasy and sci-fi settings. Like coming of age, superheroes, murder mysteries, heists, magic, found family, corruption, nature. And like mental illness, abuse, addiction, gender, sexuality, different forms of love, and different societal norms.

I also write the occasional bit of fanfiction. I recently lost like all of my work on one of my fanfic wips, so I haven't been working much on any fanfics recently...

In addition to all that, I write poetry and prose. Mostly to process emotions and events in my life. A lot of it is pretty personal and I don't post it on here. A lot of it is also pretty incoherent and unedited. Currently, the only prose I have posted is a piece I wrote about my mum and what it's been like being out to her as trans.

I'm still exploring what mediums I want to tell different stories in, but I largely work in short stories and novels.

Current WIPs:

(* = I haven't settled on the names of some of these still... but here's what I refer to them as.)

Waldosia: After seven long years at sea, Waldo Fischer returns to the Do:chaut port town of Val:dosja to finds things gave changed just as much as he expected, and the people have changed even more than he expected. There is little time to dwell on it, or how much his ex, the smuggler Shia Grimm, detests him, with the plot that brews on the horizon, however. Waldo and Shia must team up, however reluctantly, and work together with a mysterious woman on the inside of this plot if they want to keep their loved ones (and Shia’s smuggling enterprise) safe and tidy things up before Shia’s wedding turns the corner. | High-fantasy, heists, pirates, forgiveness (or lack thereof), anger, mystery, corruption, queernorm

Timekeeper Kiddos*: After a group of teens stumble upon a VR gaming arena in a cave in the mountainside, the magic of the game begins to bleed into their lives unexpectedly. | Contemporary with elements of sci-fi/fantasy, queerness, drama, friendship, mystery

JMG*: Sora Yazuqi and his brothers learn to live and let go in a world that doesn't wany them with the help of Akira Krikorian and her found family. | High-fantasy, sci-fi, found family, abuse, healing, necromancy, corruption, love, queerness

Double A Batteries: After an accident in his dad's lab, Kesh C. McInke discovered his superpowers, and after three years of avoiding his parents while sleeping on his friends' couches and delivering vigilante justice on the side, his friends force him to get his life back together as a new rival rolls into town. As Kesh, under the name Double A, fights this new villain, he unearths the bigger, more serious plots of a villainous organization and falls unexpectedly for his new roommate. | High-fantasy setting, sci-fi, superheroes, enemies-to-lovers, corruption, drama, queernorm

Of Sea Jewels and Great Lords: A collection of short stories regarding the Astellean legend of a mage trapped beneath the Heart of Astelle and the sorcerer who put him there. And regarding the side of the story untold in Astelle, of a sorcerer and a made-mage fell in love on a journey to the Heart of Astelle. | High-fantasy, fairytale-esque, queernorm, love vs. duty, dragons

Shielda × Dlade*: A young made-mage in the Iroman military, Shielda von Bauble Kate, never intended to become the fated bearer of a high-ranking armare. (I haven't decided the plot beyond that, but this story is an exploration in friendships, love, and Iroman society. Probably some ethics as well because military.) | High-fantasy, queernorm, love, friendship, societal norms, magic swords, military

Rosy*: Rosy's already crumbling life falls apart when she gets turned into a vampire. After being thought dead for months, she works to reconnect with her fiancée and family, and to get her life into some semblance of order. With the help of those around her, she learns to heal and take care of her mental health. | High-fantasy, mental health, queernorm, healing, vampires, hurt/comfort, personal growth

Camilla Marie & Co.*: The life of a young mage coming to terms with her heritage. | No plot (yet), high-fantasy, friendship, queerness, found family, nature, corruption

Bentley*: The story of how a girl found love but not a happy ending, and the tragedies that occurred. Or: Bentley’s villain origin story. | High-fantasy, love, queerness, mystery, rivals-to-lovers, corruption, mild insanity

Finished Works:

The REX Scandal: When the country of Randia opens an easy immigration program, the Randian Emigration Exchange (or REX, for short), Janine Rognue signs up, hoping it isn't too good to be true. Which, of course, it is. She ends up stranded in a new country as part of an emigration program that works as a scheme to get more of Randia's large male population married. However, she is able to find help and safety in a similarly scammed member of the exchange, Turgul Dolx, and maybe a bit of love along the way. | Low-fantasy, strangers-to-lovers, queerness, homophobia

Future WIPs:

Seeing Ghosts*: Realyn Lockworth moves in with a new roommate, Madden Livry, in Calderine City and he’s perfect—kind, caring, gentle, a great housekeeper—but he’s not really Rea’s type. Not that it matters because she’s not in the city for long; once she’s done her practicum as a research assistant for Professor Octem, she’ll be moving on to bigger and better things than a cheap shared apartment. But when Rea begins getting haunted by literal ghosts from the past, her quiet roommate may be her only hope. | High-fantasy, ghosts, some sci-fi, hurt/comfort

So yeah. If any of that interests you, please interact! Tbh I'll probably stalk through your blog if you do. I'd love to find more writers to follow and interact with! :)

[tonyglowheart]

@imaginaryelle replied to your post:*me sipping tea* (x)

I would really enjoy seeing more of your thoughts on this, if you ever want to share them.

:’) a lot of my thoughts are salty rants and I’m TGCF on main right now so uhhh not at the moment but if you wanna hmu on like a chat thing of some sort I probably will eventually rant about my dislike of The MXTX Antis and the Problematic Culture people and the purity culture wank :’)

actually you know what, since I’m a parody of myself and I’m like always mood of "and another thing,” I’m just going to. go for it ig

so my biggest thing, is with the MXTX antis/MDZS wank/MXTX wank. is like....god it FRUSTRATES me so fckn much lmfao in so many ways and on so many levels.  like listen. I’m not saying there isn’t stuff to critique in MDZS. But there’s people who are first off: critiquing the writing quality, when I’m like “there’s like a 90% chance you’re reading the EN translation, and probably from ExR, and honestly I know it’s not fandom etiquette to critique fan content bc we’re all doing this for free out of passion, BUT I do, in fact, have some major issues with ExR’s translation quality, and also I lowkey feel like they have a strong traditional yaoi bias and sometimes it leaks through in how they handle certain things.” Big mood of this twitter thread about how when you’re reading in TL you can’t be criticizing the writing bc you’re already reading it filtered and like. you gotta consider things like the TL’s own personal biases or takes, etc. Which I feel like some people don’t in their critique, or at least they don’t take the time to acknowledge it and instead start spinning off into more and more impassioned reactions to perceived slights or faults.

The other thing is like. I admit when I first read MDZS - which I did while simultaneously watching bc I was kind of using CQL as a vehicle to get into MDZS, I had the HARDEST time trying to read ExR’s translation when I was going into it cold many many many moods ago rip - I was also squicked out by the explicit scenes shown. It did remind me a lot of traditional yaoi tropes, and I wasn’t into it. HOWEVER I was also a psych major, and I want to point out that the T/N’s do read to me as having a strong yaoi bias, and also before ExR redid their site they had large “SERVING YAOI AND BL” banners on EVERY page lol. And I think that also primes people to see things a certain way. (I just. am :/ about ExR also bc like... their whole vibe as a “yaoi scanlator” and also I. can’t be sure the TL wasn’t 17 when they were tl’ing it lmfao,,  and they did the whole rant - which fine they apologized for, but I think sort of reflects on a general attitude still w/ the team - about how some other TL had bad quality or something, but their existing TL has a lot of clunky English phrasing and actually a lot of editing issues, too, I was creating myself a back-up copy from their site and like google docs was already catching a bunch of typos and tense issues and such :’) and that’s beyond clunky EN translation phrasing. I just am like. they have a patreon lol, so I can’t say ExR is doing it wholly not-for-profit/dollars, and also like... it’s not like they’re licensed? I get that within scanlation circles, there’s an etiquette of “first come first serve,” but with translation, I think fans are only served with more translations? but I also care about the original work lol, I mean I get the vanity of “I want MINE to be the AUTHORITATIVE tl” bc I feel that mood too, but also I’m like. fam you didn’t bid for a license lmao.)

But yeah like. My petty gripes with ExR aside lmfao, I think when you look at WangXian, the whole “it’s yaoi tropes” gets really strawman. Like from a Watsonian perspective, I mean like... both WWX and LWJ really ARE useless virgins, lol, WWX’s first kiss was stolen by LWJ and his whole idea of sex comes from porn; LWJ is GusuLan and like. yeah. Who is teaching them about lube? certainly not porn. (but this also gets into the whole. like people saying explicit material is “problematic” because it doesn’t show “realistic” sex and I’m like. fam it’s smut, not a sex manual.) And like... they’re both kinky and WWX has a pregnancy kink, and like... good for them I guess?

From a more Doylist perspective..... I think for me, I’m like. well why not? gay media doesn’t have to be uwu to be “Valid,” and like, the people who start attacking mxtx personally because of the way she chose to write WangXian, or saying she’s homophobic because of WangXian or she doesn’t have the range... I already Know they didn’t read TGCF or SV lol. (and yeah SV is more “problematic” but I also think it’s VERY genre aware and both satirizes and also plays with and subverts some of the typical genre “problematic” things. not everything, but like. again the whole idea that non-mainstream media needs to be held to a higher standard to not be cancelled? I don’t hold by that). [But more on the Doylist thing: it’s dumb to me that people react like it’s a moral failing of non-straight works if they don’t fit EXACTLY their personal idea of what a thing should be. And this comes up EVERY time there’s some new thing. hell it’s not even just lgbt-related stuff; Hamilton, Crazy Rich Asians, etc all had nitpicking. Which again, isn’t invalid! but also like. :/ because we DON’T have enough representation right now to pick, and my take is always: the solution is to get to the point where we can pick and choose and can afford to have bad media just like the straights/whites do :’)]

The thing about WWX and LWJ is neither of them, as they’re written in canon, fit within “traditional yaoi” seme/uke stereotypes. The kiss I see people rail against as “dubcon” and also their sex scenes but I’m like. yeah I think it’s fine to say it’s not your cup of tea but to say that that makes them traditional yaoi rapey tropes I’m like. Fam that’s not it lol. LWJ is shown as being SO incredibly responsive and attentive to WWX’s wishes and desires. I mean that’s examples of his passion exploding out, but we consistently see LWJ being respectful of WWX’s wishes and autonomy even when it like. fucks him/them over :’) like when WWX was so hell-bent on hurtling down the mo’dao route :’)

plus also WWX literally fantasizes about them retiring as farmers and he’s the one out working the fields and LWJ is staying at home weaving lol, like c’mon, ya wanna talk gender roles, let’s talk about this.

the other thing is the whole mxtx anti stuff about “she’s homophobic” and “she’s a filthy fujo” and I think there’s issues that people aren’t considering, which I don’t know as much about but I feel like it informs my consideration of mxtx - such as like... not everyone’s internet is as wide open as, like, the West. I don’t know so much about Chinese censorship other than it exists, but I’m like. I think this would affect people’s access to resources which would inform them about how things work/where people are with LGBT thought? It reminds me of when young tumblr kids trash talk older queer people for using terms they see as “problematic” now, and I’m like “you really gotta pause a moment of (1) have some empathy (2) consider the person’s individual personal and cultural context.” MDZS wasn’t made for a Western audience in mind lol, it’s not going to reflect Western values! And China has a different history with its LGBT progression and it’s m/m media, which I don’t know enough about to comment specifically, but I think it’s incredibly disingenuous to judge it based on Western standards. A lot of people probably don’t realize they are! in that it doesn’t even occur to them, which is why they feel so free with their judgment! But also I’m like. lowkey THAT’s a problem for me bc of like. cultural imperialism lmfao. and also reflective of EN-language imperialism, when people are judging EN tl’s they’re seeing on face value without realizing or considering that they’re...reading... a translation... and that translations are NOT in fact direct one-for-one and that there’s a LOT of considerations that go into both translating and reading a translation of a work.

I think the points antis pull up against MXTX is like... stuff she’s said before in interviews - and I don’t know from when, but I imagine years ago at this point - where she was asked about shipping the other characters in MDZS, and she said something I think about how to her, she wants to write in a way that “preserves realism” or maybe she believes in (I only read a TL of it, so I hold the exact phrasing with a grain of salt), and for her, not everyone is gay so she doesn’t write all of her named characters gay. and I’m like. whatever that’s her prerogative as the author. And I think there’s also something that I don’t know if it’s an official “rules”/”guidelines” she wrote bc again I’ve only seen secondhand/thirdhand sources, but it’s something mxtx-antis also quote, where she said to not break up the main couples and also don’t “reverse” them. but again when we’re getting into the shou/gong dynamics, that’s where I don’t feel comfortable commenting because I don’t know enough about the sociopolitical implications of these terms and how they interact within that fandom/community subset. But I do think people need to be taking the stuff they read - ESPECIALLY if they’re only reading it in EN - with a grain of salt. or like a big ol pinch of it. 

edit: I know more about this now lmao and I know exactly which question people use piecemeal of vilify her. Here’s a recent-ish translation someone did. Read it through - the WHOLE thing, and think about the wider context.

But also in general I just don’t think anyone is valid when we start getting into ad hominems lol. Especially when I feel like they’re not really taking a moment to consider what wider contexts and influences might be at play and instead are playing Tumblr telephone with outrage and virtue signalling

sidebar: I also fucking HATE CQL purists lmfao. I don’t feel like I’ve seen or encountered anyone saying CQL fans are less valid than novel fans except in the sense of CQL fans getting defensive about their dislike of the novel - which, whatever, people have opinions - or decision not to read the novel and saying anyone saying they HAVE to read the novel is gatekeeping - which I hold to less but mostly bc I think it’s a fundamental misunderstanding of fan language, some of us say you HAVE to read it not in a neckbeard way but in a I’m so desperately passionate and I want more people to know about this way, kind of like how the “I hate you” in fan language GENERALLY means “I love it so much and I can’t stand it”? - but I HAVE seen people say the novel “ruined” wangxian, or CQL people who seem to be like... purity-wanking, like idk if you were around but god after Infinity War and the number. of fckn ironstranges. posting in the tags. about “love how healthy our ship is” and I’m like. this is still anti culture/purity wank but the other side of the coin 8). I encounter sometimes this lowkey attitude of CQL (or other adaptations) “redeeming” MDZS from the author, and I’m like. y’all are wack lmfao. There’s people wiht MDZS or even TGCF main, and they hate mxtx? and they say shit like “mdzs was only good on accident”? and I’m like. can you just leave lmfao. if you hate her then why are you here. (bc they’ve mental gymnastics this into a virtue ethics thing about “o the work is good and therefore morally fine but the parts I don’t like are because mxtx is morally bad and unworthy and tainted it, and CQL with its Purity has Redeemed it” but I’m like. this is because of censorship lmao. The team did a FANTASTIC job working the character dynamics and story, but like it also is directly because of censorship.)  

like I... have more thoughts than this lmfao bc ofc I do, but anyway, here’s... some of them lol

[canarypoint]

from Pilot to Fadeout

okay so imma be real with y’all, i have absolutely 0.0% clue what i’m doing. like... sometimes an idea shows up in my head and then it somehow ends up in a google doc, and in even rarer occurrences, it ends up on tumblr (or ao3 but we don’t talk about that).

i’m like Oliver Queen but like...before the badass everything (and no one thinks i died in a random and tragic shipwreck “accident”). like, i’m just on a scary island after watching two of the most important people in my life (Robert and Sara) tragically die (or “die” of you know what i mean and have seen the show...) and i’m just waiting to get shot in the shoulder by Yao Fei and then get yelled at to survive but in a language idk how to speak yet.

i’m waiting for my Billy Wintergreen to come along and teach me what pain truly feels like.

i’m waiting for my Shado to teach me how to let myself experience happiness even when all hope is seemingly lost, even if it’s only temporary (the happiness. and the hopelessness ig).

i’m waiting for my Slade Wilson to teach me things Yao Fei didn’t get to before eventually going thru a huge battle and then getting neurologically messed up because of a weird serum from WWII (despite the fact that it’s ironically named “Mirakuru” which - according to the show - means “Miracle” in Japanese).

i’m waiting for the one who “died” to show up again and show me that there’s hope, only to lose them again (for a little while, that is...).

i’m waiting for my chance to travel (even if it’s unwillingly) and meet a group of people who will teach me valuable life lessons, even if one of them hates me at first (Tatsu), another thinks i’m some lost badass (Akio), and the last one (Maseo) is just indifferent to my existence (even tho it’ll eventually change).

i’m waiting for my Laurel Lance, who i’ll tragically lose, but use that loss to inspire me to keep going.

i’m waiting for my John Diggle, who’ll teach me what it’s like to truly trust.

i’m waiting for my Thea Queen, who’ll support me even when everything and everyone dictates that they shouldn’t.

i’m waiting for my Felicity Smoak, who i’ll fall in love with, even if my fandom is divided between Fefe and Laurel.

i’m waiting to become my own hero in the light, my own Spectre.

i’m waiting to be able to tell someone, “It’s a long story. Lucky for us, we have all the time in the world for me to tell it to you.”

maybe i have some of these already, maybe i don’t. i guess i won’t really know until i know, right? maybe i’ll just have to wait for my Barry Allen before i can really find out.

[thoughtsofanaveragebeinguncut]

I have two things I wanted to get off my chest, one is more of a general update and the other is my usual rant like monologues about my current state of mind

first off, i love the work culture at my new workplace that i’m working at over the holidays. people are so sweet and it’s so different to the extremely corporate and retail environment that I was exposed to for 4 years at my previous workplace (good for building a cv ig, but was the anguish worth it? (lol i do be exaggerating but it literally felt underappreciated all the time and overworked because they were understaffed). Anyways, back to the matter at hand. Yeah, people are so nice. There is a man, a kindly workplace dad vibes, who said he wouldn’t mind taking me to and from work if I lived in his area (I do not, but it was a kind gesture). There is a girl who overshares about her life but she is always looking out for people and she volunteers to help me get stuff that I can’t get without even me prompting her (bc I’m awkward and feel bad for disrupting her). There is a lady and she is quite scary when she’s mad. Gives scary vibes but after getting to know her better, I can tell that she just speaks her mind and she is kind to me too. 

okay and secondly (really briefly because I need to get up at 6am tmrw for work and I’m tired lol). I received my invoice today for smth that I have to buy as part of my course. And I’m been working 5.5/7 days a week for almost a month now and what I’ve made doesn’t even cover the costs yet DX like wth fml anyways, and that’s not even all of it. Looking at my invoice and the things I’m getting, I feel extremely insecure about my own capabilities. I doubt my own skills and every time I think of what I need to do with the things I need to buy, I hate myself and my lack of ability to do things well. And I am so worried that I’ll never be able to do those things up to the standard that is required of me. idk it’s so pointless to be lost in a spiral of self doubt but I find it so difficult to crawl out of this hole that I’ve dug myself. i accidentally catastrophise too easily :((( eff me 

yeah, i just had no one to rant to so the internet is my free therapy ig, i just needed to vent. i’ve tried journalling but writing takes a lot longer than typing does. and i could just use like a google doc or like a private blog account just for me, but that just doesn’t hit the same (idk maybe one day, i like journalling it just takes so long) but yeah, hopefully i’ll be back soon with more positive feelings but for now, happy holidays and wishing me the best for the new year! 

[deansleather]

Pale and Flustered

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Prompt: Past Perfect by Louden Swain or @mrswhozeewhatsis Louden Swain mini-bang. Also for SPN Angst Appreciation Day 2017 

Summary: As Dean reminisces about the losses of his past, he can’t help but feel immense pain and guilt.

Word Count: 1278

Warnings: ANGST!!, mourning

If you’d like to join any of my tag lists please message/ ask or add yourself to my google doc tag list! Whatever is easiest for you!

A/N: I loved having this song as inspiration; this is a Dean that I’ve wanted to write for a long time but have never had the inspiration for. Let me know what you think because FEEDBACK IS ADORED AND NEEDED!

Your name: submit What is this? // <![CDATA[ document.getElementById("submit").addEventListener('click', myHandler); function myHandler() { var v = document.body.innerHTML; var input = document.getElementById("inputTxt").value; v = v.replace(/\by\/n\b|\(y\/n\)/ig, input); document.body.innerHTML = v; } // ]]>

“Always just smiles /Always for the lens /Always for your friends /Always for their sake /And now It's takin' all I can muster /Just to wake up all pale and flustered /The cards been folded, I busted /The plates are stacked and the shelves aren't dusted /Take it back and adjust it /The faint nostalgia cannot be trusted.”

Past Perfect - Louden Swain

           I sat on my bed, sighing deeply as my eyes closed. The thick paper of the pictures felt especially heavy in my hand in that moment, as if the weight of the world had come to rest upon them: upon me. I had tried drinking it away earlier, but the feeling in my gut stuck with me, just like the nagging voice of my conscience. I looked away from the picture for a moment, up to the cheap mirror I had hung up across from my bed. For a while, I would swear that someone was standing beside my bed, watching me, planning my demise right beside me. The mirror was the only way I could trust that I was truly alone; somehow, that wasn’t much better of a feeling.

           Looking into it, I almost laughed at my appearance. I was pathetic. It had been days since I’d left my room, and that was only to grab some sustenance so I could attempt to keep myself alive. I was pale, my hair disheveled and wild, the bags under my eyes vivid blue. This happened annually, every time the new year came around. I had gotten through another year of life, but how many had I left behind? I hated myself in that moment, but I hated myself in most moments, so that wasn’t too much of a burden. It was more than self-hatred then; it was feeling the hatred of the entire fucking world on me. I tried. I did, I tried so hard to be good, only hunting to “save people.” What a crock. Hunters use the job as some sort of sick band-aid, something to make up for the shitty person they became. Nothing could ever fix what I’d done to the world, to the people I supposedly loved.

           There was the whole “gang” in one of the pictures, when there was still enough people to be called so. Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Sam, Cas, and I, all standing and looking like the end of the world was upon us. I guess in our minds it was, and to some of us, our end was sooner than we wanted to believe. Jo and Ellen were the first to go, but Bobby wasn’t much longer afterward. More pictures, further back now, showing a fuzzy scene of Sam, Kevin and I, taken when Cas was messing through my phone, clueless. I had it printed not long after he died; I had no way to keep a part of his mom. Even longer ago, a selfie taken by Charlie including Sam and a blurred me, refusing to be caught in the act of “selfie” taking.

I wished now, more than ever, that I would’ve just taken the damn photo. Let Charlie have that moment, just one period in time, where sacrificing for us made sense, where I wasn’t such an ass that doing much of anything for me was senseless. On and on it went: Dad, Rufus, Pamela, not to mention the countless others who never got captured on film. In my mind, these were memories of picturesque bliss, a perfect time of liveliness and safety, but it’s so paper thin. Every damn moment of our life is filled with agony and suffering, no matter how pretty it looks on paper. A gentle rapping came at the door then, Y/n peeking her head in slightly with a gentle smile. She gave a soft wave, and I attempted my normal smirk. Peeking at the mirror, it was obvious I had failed.

“Heya,” Y/n greeted as naturally as possible, her voice barely audible as she tested the waters. “I haven’t heard from you in a few days, and we live in the same place.” She laughed nervously. “Just wanted to make sure everything is…alright.” I nodded, shrugging as a response. Y/n swallowed, easing her way into the room, sitting at the foot of my bed. She glanced around at my surroundings and for the first time I took inventory of what I had been living in; muddy and blood-soaked clothes strewn across the floor, empty bottles of cheap beer that tasted more like rubbing alcohol than a relaxer, crumpled up napkins all over from the copious crying I had tried to hide, dust on every piece of furniture (probably including myself). I was the worst scum of the earth, but my room was definitely a close second. She glanced down at the photos, nodding as she began to understand. She cleared her throat.

“Rough few days, I take it?” I nodded. She shuffled, rubbing her hands together as she continued. “Maybe you just need to get out a little, huh? Sam and I were planning on maybe going out, getting some drinks, celebrating the New Year like most people do, since we’re pretty good on cases. What do you say?” I just shook my head, rubbing my eyes in exhaustion. I had forgotten how draining it was to interact with people who care; they don’t give up. “Well it feels wrong to just leave you here by yourself, Dean.”

“Y/n,” I finally grumbled. “Just go.”

She looked around my room, sighing as she got up with hands on her hips.

“Fine,” she muttered. “But I’ll be damned if I’m leaving you in these conditions.”

She began at work, leaving the room and returning with a clothes basket filled with cleaning supplies. She began dusting, even going as far to grab the pictures from my hands and wipe the storage grime off them. Gingerly grabbing each napkin, wrapper, and bottle from the floor and nightstand, she tossed them in a garbage bag. By the time she was done, the bag was easily half full. She never stopped and I never moved; it felt like she was on fast forward all around me, while I was too stuck in my own head to catch up. Finally, all the clothes were in the hamper and all the trash in a bag, the room felt new again; I wished I could say the same for myself.

“Alright,” she sighed, looking at me with sad eyes as she stood in the door frame with the garbage and basket in hand. “Are you sure you’ll be okay tonight? It’s really no problem for me to stay home, I don’t care that much about it.”

“Y/n.”

“Fine, fine,” she relented, her tone quickly turning to pleading. “Just…please take care of yourself, Dean. We’ll be home soon.”

I nodded, Y/n mustering the best smile she could as she left. I shut my eyes tightly, managing to get my creaky joints moving quick enough to stand up and catch her before she left for the night. As she passed my door, I grabbed her by the arm. It was about time I started appreciating the people I loved while I still had them.

“Hey,” I mumbled, my voice barely functioning. “What you did was…nice. Thanks.” Y/n nodded, her glittery makeup shining as she looked up at me.

“Don’t mention it,” she assured, patting my cheek lightly. “If you need anything, just call me.”

“You coming, Y/n?” Sam called from the library. Y/n looked back, smiling at me and waving as she ran towards him.

“Yup! Here I come!”

I stood in the door frame until she was no longer in the hall, quickly shutting my door and leaning my back against it. I took as many deep breaths as I could manage, before my knees gave up and my back slid down the dark wood of my door. I couldn’t be sure, but I just hoped that they had left before they heard my sobs ring through the bunker’s desolate halls.

~~~~~~

Forever + Dean tags, Michelle’s Dean tags, Pond’s Dean tags:

@jarnesbrnes @spnashley @aprofoundbondwithdean @mrswhozeewhatsis @mysupernaturalfics @waywardlullabies @teamfreewill-imagine  @lucifer-in-leather @sunkissedsam @chaos-and-the-calm67 @purgatoan @stardustsam @secret-stashes @supernatural-jackles  @winvhesters @nerdwholikesword @frenchybell @feelmyroarrrr @obsessedwithmisha @wanderingcas @diestiel @kittenofdoomage @fandommaniacx @trinityjadec @hanny-banannyyy  @nothingtoworryaboat @growningupgeek @d-s-winchester @mysteriouslyme81 @jensen-jarpad @deathtonormalcy56 @jpadjackles @mogaruke @satans666thdaughter @bobbysingerismybaby @keepcalmandcarryondean @thinkwritexpress-official @ruprecht0420 @My-Favorite-Fiction67   @liebemeineslebensx @jayankles @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @wildfirewinchester @beachy2014 @muliermalefici @akshi8278 @mrswhozeewhatsis @vintagevalentinexx @thinkwritexpress-official @bowtiesandapplepie @itsemmyb @ezauraemmaline @matteson-crazed @castielspahdehrah @charliesbackbitches @crzcorgi @ellen-reincarnated1967 @gryffindorable713 @deandoesthingstome @deerlululucy @walkingencyclopediaoffandom @mrsjohnsmith @manawhaat @growleytria @thegleegeneration @samtomydeanwinchester @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @i-never-said-a-pilot @thewinchestielboys @supermoonpanda  @sis-tafics @amaranthinecastiel @fandommaniacx @meganwinchester1999 @kittenofdoomage @samanddeanwinchester67 @prettyxwickedxthings @ferferelli @lilyoflothlorien @myfand0msandm0re @olitzisbae @iridianuniverse @the-morning-star-falls  @shortandlongstories @strange-inhumanity-blog @ackleslaugh @noisilyyoungpuppy @fangirling-instead-of-working @aprofoundbondwithdean @eyes-of-a-disney-princess @roxy-davenport @chrisatplay @kayteonline @spnsimpleman @faith-in-dean @kreborn17 @mamaimpala @for-the-love-of-dean @winchesterfiesta @zanthiasplace @salvachesterhale @sleep-silent-angel @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @gadreelsforbiddenfruit @trenchcoats-and-bees @curliesallovertheplace @jencharlan @not-so-natural-spn @skybinx-blog @thebunkerismyhome @feelmyroarrrr @beachy2014 @fandom-book-nerd @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @tia58 @sams-little-toy @deansleather @faegal04 @sunriserose1023 @jelly-beans-and-gstrings @saving-things-hunting-family @winchesterswoonathon @jotink78 @lucifer-in-leather @i-dont-know-how-to-write @everyday-supernatural-af @notnaturalanahi @howmanytuesdaysdidyouhave @supernatural-jackles @babypieandwhiskey @avasmommy224 @angelwingsandsupernaturalthings @mysaintsasinner @chelsea-winchester @spn-fan-girl-173 @besslincoln-bruh @wheresthekillswitch @shelovesallthethings @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish  @revwinchester @klaineaholic @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @supernaturalismalife @pinknerdpanda @quiddy-writes @inmysparetime0 @hexparker @alangel1895 @atwistoffate  @aprofoundbondwithdean @manawhaat @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @nichelle-my-belle @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @notnaturalanahi @bkwrm523 @salvachesterhale @whispersandwhiskerburn @roxy-davenport @impala-dreamer @deathtonormalcy56 @samsgoddess @frenchybell @scorpiongirl1 @for-the-love-of-dean @mysupernaturalfics @spn-fan-girl-173 @deandoesthingstome @jelly-beans-and-gstrings @fiveleaf @deansleather @curliesallovertheplace @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname @waywardjoy @mrswhozeewhatsis @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious @kayteonline @supernatural-jackles @wevegotworktodo @ilovedean-spn2 @quiddy-writes @babypieandwhiskey @wi-deangirl77 @deantbh @supermoonpanda @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @chaos-and-the-calm67 @memariana91 @plaidstiel-wormstache @teamfreewill-imagine @chelsea-winchester @fandommaniacx @writingbeautifulmen @revwinchester @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell @castieltrash1 @supernaturalyobessed @ohwritever @ruined-by-destiel @inmysparetime0 @winchester-writes @deals-with-demons @maraisabellegrey @faith-in-dean @winchestersmolder @bennyyh @clueless-gold @deanwinchesterxreader @melbelle45 @winchester-family-business