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“Everyone's a whore, Grace. We just sell different parts of ourselves.”

- Thomas Shelby [Peaky Blinders, S01E03]

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I have two things I wanted to get off my chest, one is more of a general update and the other is my usual rant like monologues about my current state of mind

first off, i love the work culture at my new workplace that i’m working at over the holidays. people are so sweet and it’s so different to the extremely corporate and retail environment that I was exposed to for 4 years at my previous workplace (good for building a cv ig, but was the anguish worth it? (lol i do be exaggerating but it literally felt underappreciated all the time and overworked because they were over staffed). Anyways, back to the matter at hand. Yeah, people are so nice. There is a man, a kindly workplace dad vibes, who said he wouldn’t mind taking me to and from work if I lived in his area (I do not, but it was a kind gesture). There is a girl who overshares about her life but she is always looking out for people and she volunteers to help me get stuff that I can’t get without even me prompting her (bc I’m awkward and feel bad for disrupting her). There is a lady and she is quite scary when she’s mad. Gives scary vibes but after getting to know her better, I can tell that she just speaks her mind and she is kind to me too. 

okay and secondly (really briefly because I need to get up at 6am tmrw for work and I’m tired lol). I received my invoice today for smth that I have to buy as part of my course. And I’m been working 5.5/7 days a week for almost a month now and what I’ve made doesn’t even cover the costs yet DX like wth fml anyways, and that’s not even all of it. Looking at my invoice and the things I’m getting, I feel extremely insecure about my own capabilities. I doubt my own skills and every time I think of what I need to do with the things I need to buy, I hate myself and my lack of ability to do things well. And I am so worried that I’ll never be able to do those things up to the standard that is required of me. idk it’s so pointless to be lost in a spiral of self doubt but I find it so difficult to crawl out of this hole that I’ve dug myself. i accidentally catastrophise too easily :((( eff me 

yeah, i just had no one to rant to so the internet is my free therapy ig, i just needed to vent. i’ve tried journalling but writing takes a lot longer than typing does. and i could just use like a google doc or like a private blog account just for me, but that just doesn’t hit the same (idk maybe one day, i like journalling it just takes so long) but yeah, hopefully i’ll be back soon with more positive feelings but for now, happy holidays and wishing me the best for the new year! 

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You can always pick yourself back up, you just have to get off the ground first.

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went out with a group of people from my class today and realised they’re all lovely people but I truly appreciate my closer circle a lot more now. they definitely don’t drain my energy as much. love them lots

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just a shorter note because the last post was quite long, well I hope it’s short because it’s also gonna be a hefty topic. I’ll summarise though because I am tired and I do wanna go to bed. So hmmm writer is wondering if I have any social anxiety, general anxiety, and/or depression. Stemming from my extremely deteriorating mental state of mind recently. 

The fact that I think I don’t want to be alive and I wish I didn’t exist sure doesn’t seem healthy to me. I always always ascribe my issues to “education”. oh life’s just got me down because I have too many tests, too many assignments, too many projects and the list goes on. Until I realise, maybe I’m not enjoying myself because something is truly wrong. Furthermore, I feel so much like a child sometimes that I hate myself even more. It’s a negative feedback loop, one thing leads to another and another but they all push to cause negative effects and it just never ends. 

I keep thinking I should seek help but then they’ll just tell me to stop doing what I’m doing and I can’t minimise my education for my wellbeing even if I know I should. I genuinely don’t know how

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this one has been a long time coming. and nothing is confirmed, nothing is solidified but it feels like such an important aspect of my life that I have yet to properly acknowledge so here I am. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to retrospectively look on this post and either feel fully validated or feel idk nostalgia for younger me trying to sort her goddamn life out. 

So, it’s been on my mind awhile now but I don’t know what it means to like someone and I generally feel like something’s wrong with me. Starting with that first point there, I literally just don’t get it. Let me give you an example. Recently, a close friend of mine said that she encountered a situation at work where a colleague gave her butterflies unexpectedly whilst doing a completely mundane activity and it totally caught her off guard. She told us and she said she didn’t know if she’d ever had butterflies before, even in her previous crushes. And a friends of ours was confused and asked ‘how did you know you had a crush on someone previously if you’ve never experienced butterflies?’ And this sent me spiralling (not that they knew) because I’ve never experienced butterflies. 

I think I’ve given myself butterflies by just willing it, like I don’t know for sure. Like my previous crushes were more like admiration and more like aesthetic attraction (def so much of this, because when I discovered this term I was bamboozled. because this is what I see, this is how I determine if I quote unquote like someone most of the time I think). And then this sent me down another path, and I was like well if I don’t feel things for boys, then maybe I feel things for girls? But I have so many female friends and I’ve never had the desire to date a single one of them. So that kinda rules that one out of my book. 

And I like the idea of dating a guy but putting that to practice, in addition to finding a guy that I actually like is a challenge in it of itself. So, basically this leaves me with two scenarios. Either I am asexual or I am demisexual. I have such a strong desire to be demisexual because I am a hopeless romantic at heart, I want a romance that blows me away. One beyond my wildest dreams but that’s difficult, and only seen in Hallmark movies apparently but I want it nevertheless. But if it terms out I am asexual, I guess I’d have to accept that? But how would I know? I’m so nervous of everything and one of those things would help me determine if I were ace or not. I quite blatant on this page but that’s something I am not spelling out. 

Yeah I think this is something that I’ve wanted to address for a while but I really just didn’t know how to approach it. I still don’t. But I think airing out my thoughts will help a little bit, whether I notice it or not. And here’s hoping that one day, I can look back at this and just laugh. Worst case scenario, I was completely on the dot for one of my scenarios and though that might suck, it truly is just what it is. 

Now I’ll save the following post for more thoughts on my mental state because this is enough baggage for one post I reckon 

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i watched shutter island the other day and i thought it was quite good and I wonder if my dream was a resultant of me watching that move

I used to take language classes at this teacher’s house with a few other students. In my dream, I was in the main classroom that is an extension of their living room and I was with two of my classmates. One of them is younger than me and the other is in my year and she enjoys drawing. In my dream, the younger one has this whole collection of keyrings and she shows them to me before class. she has dolphins, and these red themed ones, green themed ones, and her favourite ones were notebooks which were part of the keyring. When class started, the teacher begins by asking me and the other person in my year why we were in class (because we quit the year before). we both say that we want to join again and she berates us for not telling her earlier so that she could’ve set us more holiday homework with the correct workbooks. 

Then I’m transported to some arena place? It’s like an altered swimming pool with a arena area in the middle idk we get partnered up and I’m in this one team. This girl gives me a piggy back and we go up the stairs to a different area and she goes and greets her friends. I realise I know a lot of people in that area so I greet them too. We form a circle and I greet some new people too. I see some people from my high school and wave but I remain seated in the circle with these new people. Then they leave so I try to return to my team for that competition thing but I don’t actually even know what the competition thing is. 

Here’s the part that was real freaky. So I go and look for a bathroom and I see they’re all boarded up. I pry open the doors a bit to see if I could just sneak in and get out but the door I pry open is bloody inside. And a janitor is inside cleaning. Another janitor comes and they need to clean the floor above but I think I broke the elevator door by prying the doors open. So there are these pulley ropes on the side that I realise control the elevator. So I tell them to get in and I pull on the ropes to try get them onto the second floor. Doesn’t work well and I realise I am running out of rope. don’t remember what else happens but damn it was so trippy f me

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I’m scared of myself sometimes. I'm never afraid that I’ll hurt somebody else or that I’d hurt myself either. But when I don’t even care about my own physical wellbeing... now, that’s scary. The idea that if a car was racing towards me, I wonder if I’d have the ability to pull myself out of the way? When I’m walking home in the dark, my mind is scared because who knows who’s lurking in the darkness. Yet, a small voice is present in the back of my mind and it’s almost giddy. Don’t be scared, it says. What do you have to be afraid of? What’s the worst that can happen? Death? Well, that’s not quite a deterrent is it. All this passive ideation scares me because I’m not physically capable of doing anything but if something requires no effort, will I have the willpower to draw myself away from the abyss that’s calling out to me?

I hope so.

But sometimes, I’m not quite sure of myself.

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there’s something about being idle that brings out all my thoughts that I suppress during other times in the year. because I always question every goddamn thread of my existence towards the end of every year. it started small, with things like missing my classmates and my school and having to start afresh with new people in a different place but it’s grown every year and it went from more physical aspects of my life that I missed to intangible concepts and moments that I began to miss. 

I fear that growing up makes me lose touch of what I really want out of life. I question what I’m doing with my life, what I want to achieve, and how I’m going to achieve it. it’s so agonising to think about my life and feel like such a failure even though I don’t know who or what I’m comparing myself to? 

I have moments of ease where life is good, things seem fine and I am somewhat content with my situation but usually these situations are fleeting and they only occur because the current situation I am in has put me in a better more forgiving mood. in that case, I wonder if my self worth is just strongly tied to the approval of the people around me. which doesn’t sound unlikely but it sounds real depressing from my point of view because I’ve spent my entire life, up until this point, trying to rid myself of this nasty habit of needing, wanting, yearning for approval from other people such to feel worthy. and worthy of what you ask? I’m not even sure. maybe worthy of existence?

And every time these moments hit, I flounder in my own incompetence and inability to do anything about it. all I ever do is victimise myself and I feel like the world is against me. but it’s not. every logical bone in my body realises that I am the only one to blame if I am unsatisfied with my current situation and if I don’t take steps to find my way towards the light, why would I blame anyone else for my own passivity? 

I wish that I had less to think about and I wish I had less worries. I’m glad I’m aware of my own fallacies but being aware of something is different to actually trying to tackle them. Is it better to be oblivious or to be aware but feel unable to combat your own demons?

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i had a dream last night and it was unexpected lol and not something I often dream about 

I was in a room on a bed of pillow and I was talking to a guy who was also in the same room but he was seated on a coach or something on the other side of the room. I accuse this guy (who btw i don’t recognise, but he has dark and curly hair) of not caring/not caring about me or something. I remember specifically pillows 2 and 9 and another pillow (maybe pillow 6? i think) fall off my bed of pillows and I don’t immediately go and grab them, I just lie on my bed of pillows. Then this guy walks over and picks up the pillows for me. Then he places them carefully around me as he says “don’t ever accuse me of not caring” in a soft and sensual manner. lol it was very attractive. Then he lies next to me and we lie in the bed of pillows together as the shape of our bodies mold into one another. It made my heart race but I also felt safe. And we just stay like that for a little bit until I woke up maybe bc it was making my heart race just a little too much? not sure, but it was nice while it lasted 

In another part of the dream because I went back to sleep, I worked at a pet shop that doubled as a cafe or something and it was located at this little alleyway that reminded me of the harry potter cobblestone paths in diagon alley. Anyways, I’m with some other people but I don’t remember who and we do some work at the cafe but I don’t think we’re very good at it and that’s all I remember of that part of the dream 

And in another part, I am invited into some type of presentation thing and everyone is separated into tons of groups. And as we walk, I run into this girl who I knew in primary school who’s super good at art and I still know her today but we don’t talk much. Anyways, I smile at her and nod at her but she’s not looking at me and after I walk past her she yells my name and gets a lil angry that I ignored her and I try to explain myself but I have to keep moving with my group. She didn’t seem actually mad mad, just like pouty mad oh and btw it’s very uncharacteristic of what she’s like irl we arrive at the presentation area and it feels like a futuristic war tent. Because we’re in some cargo container thing but the projector covers the entire wall and it’s very HD. I don’t remember what the presentation was one though. 

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for me, the novelty of living wore off when I turned 12

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Why do I become a bumbling idiot when I am under pressure? 

Like my boss asked me some basic addition today and I took way too long of a pause before answering. Then he asked me another question that I know the answer to, but my brain didn’t work because I was too nervous that he put me on the spot like that. 

It’s like I need 10 minutes to myself anything time someone asks me a question just so I can get my thoughts today. 

In other news, I called someone on the phone today for work and I am proud of myself because I get anxiety from talking on the phone. Small steps :3 

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I feel like I've built my walls up so high that I don't even know where or how to start dismantling it

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Just checking in on myself. Yesterday I had a delirious dream where I was in the car and I could feel my teeth falling out. I take one out and hold it between my fingers and it's rotting, I squish the rotting tooth and it crumbles under the pressure with a creamy pasty consistency. And then I spit my teeth into the lid of a jar, only there's more teeth that are falling so I spit even more teeth out. I genuinely feel like a shark, but I just spit out so many teeth. I'm embarrassed because people are looking at me and then I rush into a restroom and shut the door. The bathroom is yellow and there's a large sink. I wash my face and I realise I'm in a dream. I try pinch myself awake but it doesn't work. Instead I go with the flow of the dream and I grab a diffuser and start stuffing diffuser sticks into it. And then I leave the restroom.

I don't know what this means but yikes it's weird. I'm concerned about myself to be very honest. And the worst part is always that idk what is wrong

Though recently ik I've worried a lot about the future and what I want to do in the future. I've also thought about a certain someone but I've come to the conclusion that I think I like the idea of them but not actually who they are. Or in other words, I'm just feeling lonely and trying to attach onto something. Have something to fantasize about. But I don't think it's actually what I want. Idk yeah I guess you'll be updated eventually when I figure myself out lmao

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lol okay just found out I have a certain peculiar problem with my left eye 🙃

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You want to bear the weight of the world on your shoulders, yet you're already collapsing under your own

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wow so last day

It's been an interesting time

Too much has gone on but I like the place where I am at at the moment, I think

I learned lots about me and a lot about the world and I am looking forward to the future !!