#ill readmore it when im not mobile

[coridallasmultipass]

brocal for the ship bingo?

The OTP to end all other OTPs... (Man. This wound up being basically Cori's Masterpost of BroCal. AKA... this got long and has some images, since I realized I can post my own art directly instead of just a text link to it lol.)

Wasn't actually expecting this to wind up with a bingo? But I got basically 2?? (Will explain the lighter heart later.) This is A LONG post, and definitely gonna get SUGGESTIVE, bc man, am I obSESSED with BroCal. I'm just gonna go thru each checked box, since I don't know how else to structure this post lol.

Read More to save ppl's dashboards:

I want them to make out with blood: OKAY. I HAVE A WHOLE THING PLANNED FOR THIS CONCEPT. I AM NOT GOING TO GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT IT JUST YET BC I ACTUALLY WANNA WRITE IT. I'm obsessed with this one fanart of Bro licking Lil Cal, and it spurred on an idea I outlined and really wanna write: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/739969858334294016/hiiii-mutual-i-am-secrecy-asking-if-u-have-anymore

((Sorry for the plain text links, Tumblr app is NOT cooperating with me right now to add hyperlinks. I'd post the image directly if that one was mine.))

Basically, I just really need to see Bro and Cal making out with blood in their mouths, and I started a whole convoluted, unrelated outline in order to make that hapen. It'll probably just be a really short thing that ends at the uh climax, since otherwise it's gonna end up sadstuck. And I don't like sadstuck lol.

Undeniably t4t: Bro and Dirk are always trans for me, and Lil Cal's got that uh... what percentage did I calculate it out to be? 13% of Dirk is in Lil Cal [ My shitpost calculations: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/746702663327072256/i-ran-out-of-tags-rambling-about-this-so-im-just ] so Lil Cal is at least 13% trans because of that much of Dirk being in him, plus however you feel about the other components being trans. LMAO this is ridiculous to type out. Moving on.

EDIT: FUTURE CORI INTERJECTING WITH A:

"Lil Cal Top Surgery Healing Progess: Day 1"

Terrible for each other affectionate/derogatory: I don't even know where the affectionate/derogatory split occurs. I multiship BroCal as both Bro/normal puppet Lil Cal and as Bro/evil juju puppet Lil Cal, and whatever combination in between or outside of that. Terrible in that Bro is so obsessed with Cal that he doesn't have normal relationship/social skills and uses Lil Cal as both a crutch and motivator alternately, in a terrible cycle, or maybe rather... spiral. And also terrible in that Bro is caught in the allure of playing the role of puppeteer while also being a puppet for the darker parts of Lil Cal, whether he actively knows it or not. (Honestly though, I feel like it's dismissive if you try to blame all of Bro's faults on Lil Cal like this tho, which is why I tend towards liking Lil Cal as just a regular puppet a lil bit more. Or at least, a regular mildly supernatural puppet since that can be a little more entertaining if Cal can get into mischief while no one's looking or give off the vibes of his mood more directly, rather than like entirely inanimate or 'just LE, trapped in a puppet body.' Again, I like all of these concepts.) ((I mean that can also be a whole post of its own, like, by the time Bro gets ahold of Lil Cal, are any of the other components still alive in there? Like, are ARquius and Gamzee still in there or did Caliborn kill and consume them entirely? Idk how it works, man. This is why I like Lil Cal as his own person, maybe just influenced by the feelings of the others. LaCroix: CalGamARquius essenced water. Lil Croix.))

They need to get weirder with it: YES YES. 1000% YES. I need entirely shameless Bro doing entirely shamless things to Lil Cal. I want them inseparable and doing unspeakable things to each other. I want Bro taking full advantage of Cal having a puppet body and all the intimacy that comes with making repairs and being elbow-deep in stuffing.

Playing with them like dolls cute/psychological torture: This is the same divide as with the 'terrible for each other' point, so I'm just gonna go with the cute one, since the torture one is self-explanatory. I want them fucking married. Like. Full mushy cute romance type of relationship that Bro has never felt for any of the people in his life (cough aromantic cough). I made this comic not too long ago, and I often fondly look back on it, because I adore the concept of Bro being lovey and romantic and everything out of character around Lil Cal because he feels safe and loved and comfortable around Cal:

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/750602227910131712/brocal-4-lyfe-so-i-had-this-idea-of-dave-being ]

I made a post a long, long time ago (not gonna link that one bc it was personal and I was being very obviously mentally ill ["C'mon, like you're not being obviously mentally ill while typing paragraph upon paragraph about BroCal still in 2024 like 10 years later??" Fair.]) But the gist of it was that, like, having objectophilia or objectum sexuality is like, from an outsider pov, it's a way to express love to yourself. You filter all your self-hate through the object you love, and you get back unconditional love in return.

Lil Cal is never gonna hate Bro, no matter what Bro does. As a regular puppet, Lil Cal doesn't have the capacity for hate. And so that only brings them closer, since Cal is never gonna reject Bro for any reason. (Back to being a crutch. RSD is real, and Dave is probably a big trigger for that since he's not on the same wavelength of weird as Bro [not blaming Dave, obviously, this is a post about BroCal].) Bro can experience receiving positive attention from Lil Cal, without feeling 'fake' or uncool by expressing that same attention or affection directly to his own self. (Things are always done through multiple layers with the Striders, aren't they?) ((And I'm not saying Lil Cal doesn't love Bro, or that their relationship is just pretend - it's real, I'm just like, 'What's going on behind the curtain in the mundane situation?/ How is the relationship appealing?' Lil Cal luvs Bro 5eva 4 lyfe and that's a hard fact. Could cut diamonds with that shit.)) Example: maybe Bro is dealing with a bout of body/gender dysphoria and is trying to take out his frustration with working out, and it's not helping, even if he's powered through a set better than normal. Then, he notices the way Lil Cal is watching him, and he can feel the excitement seeping off Cal. He can sense the echoes of a wolf-whistle ring out through his mind, and it's like. Okay, none of that shit from before matters, he's got all the validation he needs right there in Lil Cal. Maybe flex in Cal's direction, Bro?

Oh, so back to being cute: isn't it wonderful how the template maker phrased it as 'playing dolls'? But yeah, I want all the mush and everything. Bro has a whole wardrobe for Lil Cal for every minor event that occurs in the Strider household. I want them going on genuine dates. Maybe even... holding hands. Bro blushes for the first time since he was 16. He even gets to take Lil Cal with him when he goes out to DJ or put on a show. Not to mention the whole website business. (I've talked about Cal's role in that before, but I'll mention it in a moment...)

They will die in a heart shaped pool of blood: I mean, kinda did happen, even tho Lil Cal didn't perma die right there. I don't think this one needs any explanation, since it basically happens in canon.

'You should see the other guy...': Okay, so. About 11 years ago, I had a really great idea. About how smuppets enter this world. I expanded on it in the following more-recent post (adult only content lol): https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741683686717669376/back-in-the-day-my-friends-called-me-insane-when-i

To sum it up, whenever Bro makes a new smuppet design, he then gives it a video debut on his website, where uh, Lil Cal births the smuppet like it's a horror movie scene, fake blood and poly-fil gore all over the place as the smuppet crawls out from the viscera. Bro then gets to play aftercare by lovingly and gently cleaning up and restuffing Lil Cal as they get to admire their new creation and rake in the dough lol.

So it's technically not a 'you should see the other guy' kinda situation, but it does involve one of them being... idk what word would describe it. Injured by the other? Usually a character loses a fight and says this to act like they got out of it better than the other guy, but... We could have someone knock on the door during the filming of a scene like that, and Bro has to answer it with fake blood up to his elbows, and be like 'You should see the other guy.' (But obviously, that's a terrible idea and would cause more trouble than it's worth... Maybe worth it for a persistent door to door salesperson, though.)

Though, I guess I should also say, I'm not opposed to Bro beating on Lil Cal in or out of the bedroom. Or in the case of animate Lil Cal, Cal choking out Bro. In or out of the bedroom, lol. Depends on the situation, like I said I will ship this ship any which way. But my preference for animate Lil Cal is to be like a totally normal puppet around Bro (or mushy in-love with Bro) and then evil-murder-puppet towards anyone else in Bro's life, like a... toxic yaoi guard puppet. (New Phrase Achievement Unlocked!) Bro brings home another guy to have sex, who tries to stay the night due to the late hour, but the guy wakes up shortly after to see Lil Cal standing there with a knife in the dark, eyes glowing red. Panic ensues when the guest screams and freaks out, and by the time Bro's got a light on, grabbing his sword, ready for a ninja vs ninja fight (bc an intruder would've had to bypass all the traps), Lil Cal is just innocently splayed across the desk chair, no knife in sight. Relevant post (well, the caption on the post too, saying how Bro can't seem to hold onto any relationships besides Lil Cal):

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741830516962164736/i-want-you-so-youre-mine-always-selfishly ]

Uh, lol, also Cal choking out Bro in the bedroom, adult only drawing: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/754328907438800896/i-wouldnt-wanna-be-my-ex-when-he-found-out-who

Thinking about them always and forever: Listen. My Tumblr as proof, I've had BroCal on the brain for at least 11 years at this point. Definitely longer, since I first started reading Homestuck. I fucking love puppets and dolls and plushies and I always have. Man, if I hadn't deleted Tweets (automated app I used to do, and I couldn't choose what to save) from when I was in high school, you could've seen me @ ing my fave band when they were taking lyric suggestions on a fan-inspired album, where I was telling them 'make a song where the theme is puppets' and, while I don't know if they saw that or took the suggestion (they had responded to me before bc they weren't huge yet), there is indeed a song titled "Puppets" on that album, and it was my favourite song on there. Point is, I was fated to ship BroCal before I even knew it existed.

Sicko 2 sicko communication: I mean, does this even need explaining? Bro and Cal aren't just on the same wavelength of freaky, they're the fucking source of the wavelength, and it's causing a feedback loop between them. And it does as feedback does, which is, it amplifies with time. (Going back to the spiral symbolism here, lol.) ((Actually, time can play a symbol here, too, I guess, but idk how to word it, I'm starting to run out of steam.))

Let them have a happy ending: God, I need this so badly. I know Bro's story ends in Homestuck, but like. Pls. Someone needs to officiate their wedding. Currently placing the dreambubble order, but I can't organize a wedding by myself. OH speaking of. In that lil comic I did above, where Bro is accepting Lil Cal's proposal, I had the Natural Born Killers wedding scene in mind. I was gonna draw that as a follow up, but I think I have too many WIPs going. Just two people on the run, saying "I do" in a scenic but completely ordinary roadside location. Idk why, I keep going back to that movie for things related to Bro (I mention it in a very important scene in a longer WIP I've been writing, as something Bro watched and internalized as a kid lol.) It's not the best movie lol. Anyway.

The devotion omg: I feel like I have already gotten my point across about this, but let me reiterate:

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/735842968450269184/in-the-name-of-iconic-magical-girl-anime-ill ]

Bro and Lil Cal absolutely beat the shit outta Jack Noir before he gets prototyped. And even then, they fight together till the death, like. C'mon. Nothing more romantic than fighting a losing battle side by side. Also, like, Lil Cal having his own protective chest for safekeeping as seen in the Strider living room? Like, you don't just have a protective case for any old thing, especially something meant to be handled, especially something that is regularly used to smack other things/humans. What I'm saying is, Lil Cal is durable and resilient, and yet, Bro still has a case for transporting Cal safely. Oh, wait, I just thought of something funny, what if Lil Cal goes feral like a cat, and basically the chest is like a cat carrier so Bro can drive without being constricted lmaoooo, I've been typing for hours can you tell?

Kind of homophobic: Listen. I HAD a Cal. Took him to college. Staked my claim on the top bunk bc I am royalty. Proceeded to not have anywhere to set my water cup and had to use a cardboard box as a table up there. Spilled water. Melted Cal's sharpie-drawn face. And then proceeded to cry. I have a WIP of Lil Cal 2, but that requires actually remembering to work on him. I wanna do better by the pattern, too, since I rushed to finish the first. I have all the material! I have the project started! So it's just a matter of reordering my WIP priorities, honestly.

Where is all the fucking content?!: For realzz. I was actually venting about this the other day (didn't end up posting it), but it's like, either there's no BroCal content, or there IS BroCal content, but I can't reblog it for reasons I don't want to get into on this post. I'm dying of thirst in the ocean, basically. Whatever. This just means I need to make more BroCal content myself, which I am more than happy to do. I've just had a rough past few months, so I'm glad I got to type all this post out, and hopefully I can get back to creating soon.

Last one! I hope this one makes up for the absurd length of the post, it's prob my new fave idea I just came up with on the spot.

[TW drink spiking by a stranger mentioned in this.]

Committing atrocities as their silly little activities: I think we all know what this means, but I am going to ignore that elephant with my special x-ray vision. Because this is a BroCal post. I'm digging deep to the meat and bones of this. Honestly, this could go multiple routes, it depends on how you take your Lil Cal.

One could place emphasis on the 'guard' part of the, ahem ahem, toxic yaoi guard puppet. Maybe someone is actually trying to harm Bro, and Bro legit can't do anything for reasons outside of his control - let's say his drink got spiked a while after he invited a stranger home that he thought was chill. As Bro gets shoved down on the futon, his memory of the night is only a few flickers. Familiar orange plush, roiling around above him like a dancing windsock. Flashes of Lil Cal's face all distorted and stretched wide like a funhouse. J-Lo and Ice Cube on the TV. But when Bro is finally able to fully wake up in the morning, everything is as if he just got home alone last night and passed out on the futon. Cal looks totally normal and content tucked under Bro's warm arm. Except when Bro gets up, there is a pair of shoes too big to belong to him at the door. Maybe Bro knows. Maybe instinct tells him to run. Maybe he does, but he's running towards Lil Cal, every time.

[vulturereyy]

Going to be a brave Rey and share this snippet from my "Hegemol confronts the Pale King and he's fucking Pissed" little. Mini fanfiction? I am working on.

Set post embrace the void ending, PK/everyone survived, anyone killed by infection was brought back

Sorry about the asterisks, it was originally for discord, and I've spent 10 mins fighting Tumblrs editing thing on mobile to italicize ; ;

-------

As soon as the King's Trident was leveled toward him, Hegemol *wrenched* it toward himself. He nearly ripped the Pale King from his throne as he brought the points to his own neck, ignoring the strained commands of the guards struggling - and failing - to keep him held back.

"What are you going to do, My King?" It was not rage that filled Hegemol's voice, but a low, lilting *taunt*, just barely concealing the venom below each word. "Kill me again? Before your own court, held down by knights *I* trained for you?" He cocked his head to one side.

"*Do it.*"

Hegemol lowered his great head to meet the Pale King's eyes, feeling the points of the King's Trident press into the soft flesh just below his chin. He held it there in a vice grip as he *loomed*, shattered mask opposite pale visage.

"*Do it,*" Hegemol repeated, *urged* now, as building ire was spat from his maw. "Let all of Hallownest know that the *revered* Pale King felled his own Great Knight and spilled his blood across the palace floor, for *daring* to condemn the actions that killed *thousands.*"

Silence.

Hegemol did not waver.

As the last echoes of his booming demand faded from the Pale Court, he swore he felt the King's Trident shake.

Then - and only then - did Hegemol *thrust* the weapon back toward it's master. He rose to his full height once more, expression unreadable in the shadow of such blinding light.

"The *very first* lesson I teach my squires, when we move to training wasters," He began again, voice low, measured, *patient*; the very tone he always seemed to take when correcting his men's misdeeds, "Is to never point a weapon at someone if you do not intend to use it. I give them one chance to remember this. If you do so again, I will treat it as an attack. Do I make myself *clear*, Wyrm?"

-------

Worthy to note that I don't write PK as necessarily intimidated by this in the usual since... But given that he is very fragile right now and gets his strength from adoration and the belief his kingdom has in him, he very much just realized that this is /not/ a fight that the people would side with him on. And what he does with Hegemol right now can very well make or break him.

The downside to working and fighting alongside someone for decades... is they know exactly when to call your bluff. And Hegemol has had. Enough.

[denialcity]

💌🍆 (eggplant for nsfw if you so desire)

Hashi's meat is so huge that he's stupid when he fucks like it's a legit blood logistics problem for his body, head empty bc dick full

citing sources: documentary "my massive c•ck" where one guy said "yeah i get lightheaded when fully engorged"

[sumbreon]

ive barely been here recently cause ive been consumed with reading again and im currently being haunted by worms (fictional)

yay i remembered how to do a readmore on mobile! you would think that being consumed by a piece of media would make me constantly blog about it but thats not how i work. i have to sit staring off into the distance just processing things

so my pc died! (and now lives again <3) and inbetween figuring that out i managed to entice myself to read again and finally read said the black horse by sanctus-ingenium (their tumblr handle. i would link to buy the book but their kofi shops down atm) and i devoured that fucking book im not okay about félix spent the past week thinking about this book and about félix. this is a book i wish i could have a physical copy of it cause i so badly want to be flicking back through to things that twig in my brain (the entire conceit of this post is those fucking worms making me go wait! fuck!) (im at work so i keep getting distracted so this probably wont be coherent but i need to get the worms out of my head at least a little) but augh... félix...

anyway theres a second book which im now 70%(?) through and the fucking worms... islin and the worms... woke up this morning and was led there half awake thinking about baby françois in the ruad and laughing about his mixture or formal speech and swearing and then that went to thinking about his being trans and he and félix threatening to go back into the woods in clarion wasnt cool with that and had a wait wheres inslin in this scene again? oh yeah he got worms in his arm

worms in his arm...

here we are in book 2 with a little flashback for islin

'You should try that, the worms call to him. Think of how impressed Félix will be'

the worms were already there... wasnt sure when exactly islin acquired his patron. thought it would be around when that flashback takes place maybe, learning blood magic from maxwell which in a way i suppose he learnt of the possibilities of it. already having the patron perhaps? (know its realistically gonna be moth based from the books being moth viper foal so silk worms maybe? [do all moths do worms or caterpillars or is there a specification for moth larvae? ill look that up if i remember later] theres at least one art i need to go stare at and sear into my brain) was islin picked by his patron long before it started asking things like félix? how long have the worms been whispering to him? how often do they speak?? i need to go back through the first book and find all the little thought italics and think on them... what is the price the worms want? the fuck did islin do to that captain??

something else weirds also going on with islins arms other than all the scars i think? i dont remember right now i need to go back and check that paragraph again... im also just fascinated by islin and the way he is for all his blasphemy still religious howd he end up like that? why is he still loyal to that god?

im also haunted by a lesser degree to félix's nun disguise does he keep choosing the nun disguise because islin called him beautiful dressed like a nun? okay he said it was becoming but thought beautiful. félix is this why you went with the nun disguise again???

if you read that jumble hiii i love you! :] i will continue to think about worms... read these books!

[whump-captain]

Whump Challenge

I got tagged by @sasuga-whump to do this great challenge! Ill put it under a readmore bc it's quite long but i had a blast (◡‿◡)

I'll tag @deepwoundsandfadedscars @thatsgonnaleaveamark @set-phasers-to-whump @crash-bump-bring-the-whump @whumpapalooza @whump-side @justwhumpythings @radioactiveartz and anyone who sees this on desktop rather than mobile

1. Favorite whump trope(s)?

I do love anything to do with knives - stabbing, carving, knives to throats, etc. Impaling is up there too, and fractures of all kinds.

2. Least favorite whump trope(s)?

I'm not into dehumanisation in any way, or humiliation, they're squicks in fact. Anything with conditioning is also very much not for me.

3. Top 3 whump scenes and why?

Ohhhhhh good question. Recent faves are:

A scene in Resident Evil: Village where the protagonist is strung up from the ceiling by hooks stabbed through his hands. He then has to free himself by ripping the hooks out, making the wounds worse. Not much in way of consequences because of the game's slasher-horror conventions but very good still

Hard to describe without spoilers lol but in a book i just read, there is a character who's a clairvoyant and can remember things before they happen. When another character wants to hit them with a glass bottle, they experience the pain even though the hit never actually lands - the intention is enough to hurt them. It later gets used to torture them, too. It's very unique and very fun (◡‿◡)

There's a whole sequence in the webcomic Shiloh where a character loses a fight to a mantis-like monster, ends up severely injured and thrown off a cliff into a river. His colleagues find him half-dead and rush him to a hospital.

4. Top 3 characters to whump and why?

I whump my OCs 95% of the time so i don't have many fandom faves lol. I have been enjoying some horror protagonists though - Ethan Winters from Resident Evil and Murphy Pendleton from Silent Hill: Downpour both are very hurtable and get roughed up nicely in their stories.

5. Favorite fandom for whump (show, series, etc)?

Again im not much of a fandom whumper but it's usually whatever im into at the moment - recently Silent Hill

6. Do you prefer written or watchable whump?

Oooh that's hard, i think i lean every so slightly towards watchable. They both have their wonderful parts (◡‿◡)

7. Do you also like hurt/comfort?

Yes! I always prefer the hurt lol but im also very into some good comfort

8. What do you think the difference between hurt/comfort and whump is?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ To me, whump means "the hurt part of hurt/comfort" but tbh the terms are pretty interchangeable to me. H/c is a more well-known term so i find that it tends to end up being used towards more fics, even ones that only feature it briefly.

9. How would you explain whump to someone who’s not familiar with it?

Depending on how familiar with fandom terms they are, i suppose. Either "the hurt in hurt/comfort", or "like angst, but often about the physical side", or "stories where the point is for the characters to get injured". Probably add something about exploration of vulnerability, in case they want a deeper explanation.

10. Is there any old whump you particularly enjoy? (say, pre 2000?)

Hmmmmm im sure there are some Star Wars books ive read that are from the 90s and have some good whump but i genuinely don't remember lol

11. Why do you think you like whump?

Now that's the big question, isn't it lol. There's definitely catharsis there - seeing characters allowed to express their suffering and then having it validated and soothed. It's an outlet for emotion, too, especially anger which i struggle with and can channel in a safe and controlled way onto Fictional Character Stabbings lol. I also just like the aesthetics of the kind of exaggerated violence that whump tends to feature, there's a darkly melodramatic thrill to it that im really drawn to.

12. When did you realize you liked whump?

Literally as early as i remember lol. I was under 6 wishing characters in cartoons would be put into peril, i was always into it

13. Favorite posts with whump (gifsets, picspams, etc)

I do love gifsete with my whole heart, im so constantly in awe of the amazing gifmakers we have in this community bc they let us experience the best of whump from all over the world. I also like prompt posts, @injuryprompts never fails to get my creative gears turning

14. Are you “out” to people in real life?

Absolutely Not lmao and for a bunch of reasons. Mostly because whump is something quite personal to me and wouldn't want it to be misunderstood but at the same time i don't think i could properly explain it. I also don't want people to think it's a sexual thing - which again is something commonly understood in the community but probably not so much outside of it.

15. How did you find the whump community?

I was on one of my periodic searching-for-hurt/comfort-fics sprees when i was reminded of the term by the tags - i've been aware of it as a fandom thing but always forgot about it. Then i had the idea of searching it on tumblr and then it all began lol. I was so stunned to see a whole section of the website so dedicated to it and i can't believe how long i've managed without it (◡‿◡)

16. Any unusual mediums you like for whump (plays, music, vlogs, etc)?

Hmmmmm i very much like video game whump - both actual scenes and just the natural way a character gets beat up throughout the gameplay. An unusal niche of it is, i would say, point-and-click puzzle games. It feels weird because they never have an actual protagonist lol but the plot always involves being trapped, or captive, or escaping, and that just always gets my whump imagination going lol. I like imagining a character for them, scared and injured, struggling to puzzle out their freedom.

17. Any meta about whump you’ve been dying to share?

It's mostly just an observation but im utterly fascinated by the fact that so many people are into whump from very early in life. There was a poll about it going around recently and the most picked answer was "6 and younger" and it just. blows my mind. What a strangely specific thing to be born with. I would love to study this in some way but i wouldn't even know where to start.

18. Whump fic(s) you’d love to see?

There are a bunch of writers here whose fics i would love to see continued but i'm nervous to tag them bc i don't wanna pressure them lol. In general im also always on a lookout for strong platonic friendships in stories and creative magical whump, especially with a horror twist.

19. Whump you’re looking forward to? (Maybe something teased or something you haven’t seen yet?)

I've been reading Witch Hat Atelier and recently there have been theories that some visual symbolism is foreshadowing my favourite character getting hurt in an upcoming fight. I don't want to get my hopes up too much cause it's all guesswork lol but i would very much like that (◡‿◡) Similar thing with Wilde Life, a webcomic, in which the protagonist is currently held at gunpoint - in that story, however, not much injury happens at all lol so again not holding my breath.

20. Top 3 favorite whump fics?

Hhhhhh just three???? i need some kind of bookmark system for real because i can't remember half of the stuff i read lol so these aren't my Top top 3, just things i really like

In The Woods Somewhere by @knivestothroats has to be on here because it's honestly the pinnacle of my writing goals - the flow and pacing are impeccable, it escalates the stakes so smoothly that i put it down, and it's just such a brilliant self-contained story with characters that stick with you and some scenes that i still think about, years since i've read it.

@whumpapalooza 's Space Interns also have a very warm place in my heart bc i just love the characters so much and it's not often that i want whump for Every Single Member Of The Cast but here we are

and most recently i've loved this BHTB fill by @crash-bump-bring-the-whump and its lovely prose and the ability to get me hooked on brand new characters in a single work

21. Tropes you think are overdone?

Conditioned/"broken" whumpees, to me it always seems like the same few tropes and phrases cycled around in new costumes. But i will admit that i also just dislike the trope all in all lol so im not being entirely objective here. Creepy whumpers also usually come off as cheesy, i think, because they always use the same set of kinda stereotypical and, well, overused lines. It seems like it's a go-to "default" whumper for prompts/short fics but imo it's actually very difficult to do well. Just my opinion tho

22. Tropes you think we could use more of?

Hmmmmmmmmm it would be cool to see some cool horror/magic themed whump, with strange creatures and eldritch threats. I'm also always in the market for more unique character dynamics, they can keep even the most basic of tropes fresh.

23. Favorite sites/archives for consuming whump? (question by @dammittmarie )

Honestly just tumblr lol. And ao3 sometimes if i want fanfics since it's very easy to find things there

24. Have your whump preferences changed recently? If so, why? (question by @fyeahvulnerablemen​)

I've been leaning more towards horror recently as i get more into the genre! But within it im still into the same kind of whumpees i believe lol even though they're getting less gunfights and more possessions

[crplpunkklavier]

i don't think ill ever lose the urge to say "im so sorry mobile users" when posting a long post because back in the day readmores didn't exist in the app so if you were on mobile you just had to scroll all the way past whatever gif-laden novel someone just posted

[brokentoothmarch]

Covid talk + General Illness talk Oversharing maybe under th readmore (IF IT WORKS ON MOBILE….Well see)

One of th worst parts abt Being ill nd Hving to Ventilate my room is tht i Cant evn Spend time w my Friends or my Partner or Anythn like tht unless i wnna take th risk of living in an enclosed space again w no ventilation nd I Say this Full well Hvinf th Panic attack i Did last night abt if i Get Long Covid itll Exponentially Increase th Rate of th Neurodegenerative Disease im Already Near Destined to Get when im Too Young nd Now its evn Worse. i Think No Hangtime w Buds is Worse thn that bcs At Least Death is a solution fr th last one

[acreaturecalledgreed]

cant remember how to readmore on mobile so just skip past this shit its me whining

dont trust therapists and dont want to spend money going through a bunch of them cant talk to people about bad times because no one deserves to have to put up with my whining

dont even feel comfortable posting feelings on here bc then loved ones see it and feel bad and then woopsie i hurt then indirectly again anyway

cant make a vent blog bc when i had one it became a way to emotionally self harm myself into a shutdown

i feel trapped and i wish i could trust people like im supposed to but in the end doesnt having these feelings function as some kind of karmic punishment

its what i deserve for existing bc my existence alone causes people problems the second im not forcing myself to seem neutral to happy at all times

i will never wake up in a body i dont hate, ill never be able to create art that anyone likes, because im lazy, and both of these things require work

so many of my friends dont talk to me anymore and like, of course they dont, i suck

im so fucking depressed and everything feels so meaningless and there is literally nothing i can do about it. im stuck in this life, too stupid to work in academia or be a good student, too weak and easily confused to do anything productive for others

im tired of getting into fights and not even knowing if anything i feel is real or not im just

im so tired

im just this awful soul sucking blight and i cant do a thing about it

[iikatsukii]

Hi I hope this doesn’t come across rude at as that’s not my intention.

I love the writing but I’d really appreciate if you could use a :readmore: bracket? It’s just when I scroll it’s hard to get past on mobile at least, it’s not just you it’s just a lot of ATWOW writers don’t use them so it’s kinda hard on me when I just want to scroll my follow feed.

Again sorry if this is rude in anyway I really don’t mean to be! /genuine

OMG IFORGOT TO PUT THE READ MORE IM SO SORRY ILL FIX IT RN. i usually do it with all my stories so im not sure why i forgot this time and dont worry !! youre not being rude at all i totaly understand how your feeling. scrolling through my likes takes forever sometimes theres no need to apologize anon u werent rude at all <33 ILL STILL LOVE YOU EITHER WAY.

[pochx]

this is. whiny baby moments. and uh yeah.

yknow realistically getting distracted by relearning how to do a readmore on mobile helped me not need to vent post.

i will say tho for the sake of it that idg why my therapist wants me to make new relationships when i cant even be normal or stable w the ones i currently have. like sir that aint gonna correct or change my issue here.

also the gist of my sadness tn was that i'm very bad at expressing needs bc i become this needy mess but also each time i try ppl say "well. i can't/won't do that" and its like damn okay i guess thats a valid point. anw wish i could be coherent enough for ppl to understand.

ok actual crybaby moments but its like almost 1 am so please forgive me.

anw i think i could not exist and everything would be fine. idt i'm special or important or even worth it. there will always be someone better. "but they wont be u" i think u could find a million ppl like me actually. kinda barely funny. polite bc they have issues. not a whole lot of positive qualities. u know.

like i'm here and alive bc i was born. i cannot hurt myself and i never will--which imo is like wow pathetic much when im super mentally ill abt it--but. nothing would be different if i werent here. a comfort as well as injury to know that.

ok if like someone brings 5-10% of smth to ur life. i only ever bring 0.2% of that at best. negligible.

anw its the late night speaking. even if i believe this to be true it doesnt matter. i'm still here in my little clown outfit even if i'm not of value or important and barely a dent in ppls lives. i still have to live this life out. there's no choice in the matter

[sachiwrites]

some friends to lovers hcs for sakusa pls? i've been thirsting over him for a while and seeing him in the recent manga chapters plus season 4 is just--

same fam, same. its been a whole mess over here. yikes this got long

— you are 210% that neighbor who his parents rely on to acclimate their son into being a somewhat decent member of society. is it a hardy task for someone at the age of six? yeah. was sakusa an absolute shit at that age too? of course. but he stopped that one kid from pulling your hair in class that day so he’s basically your unofficial hero. even if it was only because apparently you had ‘cooties’.

— naturally you continued to have this unknown disease for most of your life. but apparently so did everyone else in Japan. except when you got older it simply became known as- physical contact.

— “kiyoomi, why don’t you play outside with your friend?”

—“ they’re dirty.”

— sticks and stone may break your bones but the mud streaked across your face and hands would most certainly kill sakusa. or at least that’s what you thought at the age of seven when you went grab him off his front porch anyway. he sort of whined and pushed you for it, causing you to fall back on your rear, much to his parents obvious disdain. or as so you gathered as you smirked over their shoulder as they carried you inside, earning an extra few years of sakusa’s ire.

— “yoomi, lets play tag.”

— “it’s kiyoomi. and no, play by yourself.”

— “sakusa-san, yoomi doesn’t want to-“

— “run”

— the two of you were ‘reluctant’ friends until the age of eight. more or less, sakusa was required to spend at least half an hour outside with you a daily. half way through that the tenture you had mercy on him and introduced him to video games within the safety of his own home. sakusa has zero interest in crash bandicoot, but he likes you a little more for your concede.

— but his parents knew what they were doing when they put their son’s social reputation into your hands. for a while you were his only friend but occasionally you were able to integrate him into society. through little things like sitting down your lunch next to his and offering to be his partner in project.

— “i don’t need your help with this.”

— “maybe, but i need yours, so pretty please.”

— sakusa was a young genius and it would benefit you to take advantage of that feature. call it payment for all your years of servitude.

— the only time you found yourself not needing to be a crutch in his life was when he was playing volleyball. it was an option during recess to give the students an opportunity to scout out interests in athletic ventures. the sport was almost too perfect for sakusa- as an indoor requirement with almost no physical contact. it was his niche. a part of society that catered to his needs in a way that didn’t require your intervention.

— naturally, others began taking notice of his talents. other students were more likely to invite him for games during breaks- most knowing to keep their distance and touch to a limit. his own enjoyment of the sport slowly geared him towards pseudo-friendships that allowed him to play more and garner his skill set.

— “im going to try out for the volleyball club.”

— of course you knew this much. it was what he was so obviously looking forward to the most in junior high. it was just his decision to share his own thought with you the struck home.

— “yeah? i guess i should get some cheers ready for you games, eh?”

— he flinches away from your enthusiasm, his face portraying a mistake in letting you know so soon. but not once did he ever deter you from coming. in fact, you continued to be made aware of each an every upcoming match regardless of importance.

— “we have a practice match against haizen today.”

— wasn’t the most significant but he invited you so you’d be there. probably more vocal than you needed to be but he could mark your attendance and that’s all that mattered.

— a small part of you was worried that volleyball would take your place. it obviously had more suitable attributes than you. but it almost became a staple in your evolving relationship.

— in fact the first game you missed inflicted the first real argument you could remember having with sakusa. it surprised even his parents when you met him the next day to walk to class. you were use to a quiet shoulder but not a cold shoulder.

— “is something wrong?”

— it continued for most of the trip until you couldn’t take it anymore and reached for his arm. instead of shaking you off, he turns on you, gaze lit a flame with an emotion you didn’t recognize.

— “i had a game and you didn’t show up.”

— thinking back you did recall most of the students congregating towards the gym after class. it vaguely registered but you’d seen less of sakusa that day and more of pressing from your teacher to get your grades in order.

— “i had to stay back with my instructor. i needed help with my studies.”

— it was a little embarrassing- not something you wanted to admit. especially to someone like sakusa who obviously excelled where you fell short.

— “you’re an idiot. you come to me for that. ill help you after my games.”

— perphas it was in that moment that you should have realized that sakusa was more cognitive of his reliance than you were.

— what he does realize it how much he’s going to have to help you if he intended for you to join him at itachiyama. the school had shown interest in him earlier than year and it was mutual. but it’s prestige called for academics when sports weren’t your strong suit.

— matches weren’t the only appointments sakusa held you to. nearly everyday after class, whether your place or his, he made himself present while you studied. he wasn’t an overbearing tutor but he called you out in your faults and made you aware of mistakes before they became a habit. he wasn’t going to make you a super genius but you would become a student worthy of acceptance.

— the two of you were building something that only your parents noticed at first while watching from the doorway. itachiyama would be a dynamic chapter for both of you.

— the title of that chapter is: volleyball. because wow does that become an even bigger part of your life. itachiyama was already a powerhouse before sakusa but now he’s a cog in the wheel and an important one at that. quickly climbing ranks and becoming an imperative part of the team. if only he was more receptive to his newly popular status.

— he was still the same old germaphobe- avoiding crowds and wanting to get home as soon as possible to shower in his own tub instead of the school issued ones.

— his personality sort of highlighted your presence more than you expected. but given sakusa’s overall avoidance of unnecessary interactions, it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise.

— “he can be a bit much, but please take care of him.”

— above your bowed head, his older teammate coo and awe at sakusa’s cute little friend. this of course leads to more teasing for him but it’s all part of being part of a team- a larger whole. something you were willing to give up a bit of sakusa for.

— “are you two dating or something?”

— oh but that. you get a lot of that. not just by his teammates either. everyone seems to notice how sakusa tolerates you more than anyone else. though part of you wants to point out to his fan base that they would get a lot further if they just gave him his space. -yet here you were huddled up close in the library while he looked over your school work, so what could you say to that?

— “are you paying attention?”

— “hey, i got most of these right. give me a break.”

— not thinking about it, you go to ruffle his hair as a retort. an action sure to give you his ire- but it doesn’t? in fact his gaze doesn’t even lift from his book. and is he leaning closer? weird.

— sakusa is making rapid progress not only within tokyo but on a national level. it’s one of his teammates that points out his accomplishments to you one day while you’re waiting for sakusa to emerge from the locker rooms.

— “your boyfriend is really something else. already the ace of the team and he’s climbing the stats nationally too. you must be proud.”

— you are proud. very impressed, in fact. but sakusa is not your boyfriend. an important note that you most certainly do not get to point out because now sakusa is here and is corralling you towards the exit from his pressure of his chest against your back.

— he’s much more hands on now. less in tolerating your touch and more so initiating his own. it’s a late realization but most of your attention is stuck on that same teammate who is waving mischievously from the door.

— but oh man. it’s becoming a lot more obvious to you now when sakusa offers to hold you books while you change your shoes, and holding on to them even as you travel to class. he sits a little bit closer to you during study hall now, the erratic hitter of your knee brushing against his with every jerk up.

— “...are you okay, ‘yoomi?”

— he doesn’t complain about the name. not even a pinch of his brow, just confusion as he peers down at you.

— “im fine.”

— huh

— it’s all fun and games until his fingers catch yours one day while you walk side by side. it seemed like a fluke, just an accidental swing and bump. but then they’re latching and now you’re connected?

— “yoomi?”

— “it’s cold”

— yeah. okay, fair enough.

— periodic becomes occasional and now it’s a habit.

— and of course everyone takes notice. because sure sakusa tolerates you more than most. but now there’s a basis for it.

— “ah, so tables have turned.”

— “i knew it.”

— “top in the nation and already dating. our little kohai is such a pillar.”

— you’re beyond overwhelmed. worse because kiyoomi looks mildly irritated but doesn’t seem to be denying any of it.

— and you just have to ask.

— “yoomi are we dating?”

— because wow, only yesterday it seemed like he was still just your best friend. one who held your hand, shared his lunch, fell asleep on your shoulder in more than one occasion-

“— “we’re together. we’ve always been.”

— okay, yeah but context here.

— but then he’s dragging down the mask across his face, letting it hang under his chin. his lips are on your temple and phew, that’s new.

— “we should get home. i have a match tomorrow.”

— a game that becomes a statement in more ways than one.

— “ooh, is that sakusa’s jacket? so the rumors are true.”

— you fumble with the sleeves that seems to be determined to swallow up your hands. when he’d first offered it to you, it seemed so natural.

— “you might get cold.”

— god your boyf-... friend was so confusing.

— “not really. he hasn’t asked.”

— your classmate seems unconvinced but doesn’t comment further. that’s doesn’t say the same for the rest of the class who use every opportunity to chip at your resolve.

— “haven’t they been dating the whole time?”

— “they always hold hands now.”

— “i mean that’s his jacket isn’t it? it’s he like a germaphobe?”

— it’s getting harder to concentrate on the game. and certainly doesn’t help with every glance sakusa tosses up into the stands. by the end of the match, you’re beyond frazzled and ready to just sakusa the second he emerges from the gym.

— his teammate offer thanks in exchange for your praises on a game well won. it helps to distract you for a brief moment-but there he is now.

— his fingers slip befeeen yours like they belong and you can’t find the voice to complain. after congratulating him, there’s not much more said on your part. he walks you to your doorstep, not just the entrance, and lets his hand fall away. yet you both linger.

— “are we-“

— “are you-“

— when it comes down to it. obviously sakusa fails when it comes to words and actions seem to speak clearly.

— sakusa doesn’t protest when you reach up and undo his face mask for him. going as far as to lower his head, aware of your intentions, when you lean in.

— it’s a short kiss. a testing peck to balance in the shallow end before diving deep. his nose nudges yours and it’s your laugh that breaks the kiss.

— kiss-with kiyoomi sakusa-your once reluctant friend and now?

— sakusa leans in again. this time his hand on your shoulder for stabilization. there’s no tongue or extra touches. it’s just the act.

— life is all about changes.

— you smile and decide, yeah, you can do this.

— before he can leave, however, he’s tugging at the collar of his jacket.

— “i prefer to use my own detergent. but you can have it back tomorrow.”

— or maybe just some adjustments.

[silverskye13]

3... 2... 1...

"Oh... Gosh."

It felt like the world had opened up beneath his feet. Like he'd stepped off the side of a cliff without feather falling boots. His body dropped faster than his soul and then pulled taught on gravity, and he'd been left breathless, dangling, tethered by the depths of his soulmate. It was like he could've died right there if some lifeline wasn't holding him, and his feet kicked over an endless void, centimeters from demise. This was incredibly unsettling, especially given Joel was standing still on solid ground the whole time he felt it.

It was strange, is what it was. Joel had worried it was Jimmy, because Jimmy is cursed as all heck, what with his canary thing, and while Joel had never been cursed before (nor had he ever particularly believed in curses) this certainly felt like what a curse should feel like, or what he thought a curse would feel like if they were real. Then it'd faded, and Joel did what he did best: he shrugged off the unsettling-ness of sharing a server with a bunch of unsettling people and got to work.

Then he'd met Etho, and really it'd confused him more. Etho was just so... Etho. Like, he was cautious, and quiet, and the only person the man seemed comfortable ribbing was BDubs. And like, Joel got it right? He wasn't too keen on talking to strangers either, and everyone on this dang server was pretty strange. But if Lizzie ever dropped him off at a party, at least Joel could hold a bloomin conversation. Mostly Etho loomed, and shot a handful of clipped remarks at people, and then loomed some more. Etho was funny, and he had his own kind of charisma, but he was better at stabbing conversation than carrying it.

Oh, and people were scared of him. That was a thing too. Which Joel figured was a symptom of the quiet, right? Anyone whose emotions are muffled behind a mask, whose only clue into their thoughts was in the easily obscured upturns in their voice, and who was prone to reserving those glimpses for the rarest occasions - well, they would have to be unsettling. But Joel wouldn't call it scary. Joel was scary. He was proficient and chaotic, and unpredictable. That's what's scary on a death server! Really Etho's proclivity to sinking into himself should be a sign of fear or weakness. And when he'd gone down into the Deep Dark? He'd been shaking like a leaf when he returned, and while Joel hadn't been there, Impulse had described for him the inglorious scene of Etho scrambling in the dark to escape the Warden. And like, Joel couldn't really judge that. Their lives were precious and few. But still. Etho wasn't scary, alright? He was just tall and vaguely mysterious, and people let that carry on way farther than they should.

Anyway, point being, that falling out of his own soul into the void of another's feeling Joel had felt when they'd linked? That deeply cursed, I've been joined to the belly of the universe feeling? Yeah, it didn't make sense for 'ol Etho. Etho was more of a... Eh... Something less interesting than that. He was more of a frayed friendship bracelet kind of person. Their soul bond should feel like tugging on the vein in Joel's right wrist - uncomfortable and constant, and deadly if severed. It should not feel like Joel had almost been eaten by the void or something. That's the point here.

Then he and Etho had gone down into the Deep Dark together.

There's just something about the Deep Dark, isn't there? There are places in the world that are old. There are places that are dangerous. You can walk through a portal and be in hell. Or a fortress. Or a bastion. And woodland mansions? Those labyrinths of houses? They have no right to be as scary as they can be. Some things are just old and dangerous. Old and dangerous enough you get used to old and dangerous a bit. It becomes... Not really mundane, because mundane happens every day. It becomes every second Tuesday familiar, unremarkably abnormal.

The Deep Dark is breathtaking. But not in like, the filled with auspicious wonder kind of way. It's like if a place could wring your bloomin neck. It puts cold hands on you, hands on hands on hands, even. The skulk reaches and it clings, and it feels like water in the way it leaves you damp. Like, skulk isn't clammy or anything. It just... Leaves behind. But in a deep way. It's not like dirt or sand that leaves behind and you brush it off your shoulders. It sinks into you like teeth and it clings. It crawls like... Oh... You know... Like crawly-things on your skin. You see movement on your shoulder, you feel tiny feet on your arm, and you look down and it's just skulk, still and unremarkable but somehow there when it wasn't moments ago. It's so terribly alive in a way that moss and grass are not. Alive, and deeply, deeply inhuman. Which makes sense right? It's not human. But neither are moss, or mushrooms, or trees, and they don't feel as inhuman as skulk does. It's like some things are made in a world Joel recognizes, and then some things are made because it made itself in an image only it can fathom. Like if gods existed, skulk would... Maybe not be a god. But it would be the breath of one, if the dark could breathe, and listen.

Etho leads him through it like a shepherd. A shaky, breath-held, paranoid shepherd, that would leave him behind the minute things went wrong. Okay, maybe not like a shepherd. Etho leads him through it like someone who's only scared for Joel's safety because they're linked by bonds neither of them can break, which means they have to keep each other safe despite their own personal fears. Etho leads him down to the enchanting table like it's an obligation, and really, Joel doesn't mind that. Of course, there's no enchanting table there, and that's gutting, because they risked their necks coming down here for nothing.

"Looks like somebody snagged it." Etho says, and there's a rueful smile on the edge of his voice. "It might've been Scar."

Etho looks up when he says the name Scar. He looks up, and it feels like every deep place in the world looks up with him. It's a very hard thing to describe. Etho looks up at the deepslate ceiling high above them, in a random direction that Joel can only assume is where Scar is standing, and every rock and stone and shadow cranes it's neck to look with him. It's that same breathless feeling Joel has gotten when the Warden listens, like anything that could make noise stops to crouch and and hold its breath and pretend it never existed. Except the world isn't listening. It's watching. Searching for Scar with Etho. Even the hair on Joel's arms sticks up, like it's being pulled along with the massive intent of the stare upwards. His heart lurches in his chest like it's trapped and trying to obey some call to leap out of his throat. The depths of the world get a little shallower, pulled up towards their feet. It is by far the strangest thing Joel has ever felt.

"Right... Bloody Scar with his enchantment tables," Joel stammers in a whisper, and Etho stops looking at the ceiling and instead turns to look at Joel. Joel expects it to be the red eye. Like really, as far as weird things go, that makes the most sense, doesn't it? That it'd be the eye that's an unnatural color. It's not. They make eye contact, and Joel feels like he's being pulled into the dark of Etho's right pupil, the eye so brown it's almost black. Or that's what Joel thought it was until just now. Now he thinks it's a glimpse, a bit of the cliché window-to-the-soul-y glimpse. He's glimpsing Etho. He's glimpsing a black so deep and dark it makes eternity shallow. He's glimpsing the other end of his soul, tethered to something so distant and massive all Joel can do is hang by the tether of their being soulmates over the gap. He is glimpsing something deeply, deeply inhuman, something that is offering forth the barest piece of itself, curious of the reaction. It's a bit like a crow that sits on a park bench and surprises you when it says hello, and you look around all over the place for the voice, because it should be human, but it isn't.

Then the glimpse is gone, not because Etho blinks, or closes off that bit of himself that's leaking into the world around him. Joel acclimates to it with starling rapidity, like jumping headfirst into frigid water, and finding the breeze uncomfortable once you've broken the surface. For just a second, Joel gets it. He gets why people tiptoe around Etho the way that they do. For a second, Etho is scary, not because of the glimpse, but because of how normal he is afterwards. Normal enough that Joel could almost, almost convince himself it'd all been in his head, and it was just the heebie-jeebies from the Deep Dark. Except Etho moves, making his way towards the overworld again, and he moves with the imperceptible slowness of someone trying not to be scary. Like Etho recognizes Joel as a startled rabbit, and he's trying to convince it not to run.

So Joel finishes his sentence with a nervous laugh. "The man's obsessed. This is starting to become a problem."

Don't worry, I'm not scared. See? Our conversation hasn't even stopped.

The edges of Etho's eyes crinkle in an incredibly human smile. Joel watches his red eye and his red eye only.

[dracula-enthusiast]

[dust-furby]

My furby wish list

Tropical

Literally any Shelby

Dragon

Frog

Wizard

Green Bean

Banana Peel

Red Wolf

Sherbert

Alligator

Coffee

Penguin

Fresh Orange

Very purple

Confetti

Blue change

Wavy stripes

Kid cuisine

Obviously I’d never turn down a furby I come across but these are the ones I’d probably never think of reselling/rehoming if I came across them.

[emubop]

An update, pt. 2

As promised, an update on where I’m at in my life, for those of you who check these things (and also for my own reference, since this tumblr is kinda like a journal at this point). Long post ahoy!

- I’ve been struggling with school, and what I wanna do, and where I’m going in life, for the past several months. I’d previously thought I wanted to get a bachelor’s degree and be an English major, but that motivation disappeared one day and never came back. I kept trying to think of what I’d wanna major in instead, but nothing really sounded right. And I started realizing that while I like the “sitting in class and learning” aspect of school, the rest just... isn’t working for me. But because I’ve had this image in my head for so long of going to college and being successful in that way, it was hard for me to let go.

- I did poorly this past semester. It’s not the first semester I’ve done poorly, not by a long shot. After each time, I’d think “okay, next one will be different.” And maybe one or two were different. But the same struggle always came back. I’m certain that I could push through it and get a degree, if I really wanted to, but I’m so tired of being a square peg trying to shove myself into a round hole. It doesn’t feel worth it to struggle so much for something I may not truly want.

- What do I want to do with my life, then? Fuck if I know! But I do know that I don’t want a four-year degree right now. Maybe someday, sure, but not now. Right now I feel burned out on school, and I want to just go work and live for a bit.

- The issue, as I’m sure many of you know, is that minimum wage in the US isn’t a livable wage. Even in my state, which is slowly raising the minimum wage. But it’s hard to find a job above that without some kind of degree or other.

- So I’m gonna be going to trade school. To learn what? Not sure yet! I’m still exploring and deciding. But the chance to learn an immediately applicable skill is one I’m much more eager for than I am for traditional schooling.

- I’m lucky, in that I have two good parents who love me very much and are willing to support me through this transition. Fuck, they’re the ones who helped me realize that I needed this transition, since I’m the ruler of denial lmao. I haven’t been healthy or happy the past few months, and they gave me the push I needed to see it.

- As part of picking myself up again, I’m moving back home. My parents helped me pay for the place I’m currently staying, but that was contingent on me being in school, which isn’t on the table anymore (and I’m not enrolled in trade school yet, so it’ll be a few months before I’m taking classes again). I’m not really thrilled about this, which is part of why I was in denial for so long - I knew I’d have to move back if I wasn’t doing well, and I didn’t want to move back. I still don’t. But I’ve come to terms with it, and both my parents and I agree that this is temporary. They want to see me be independent and thrive just as much as I do. And hey, this means I get to see my dog more often! Bonus!

- So that’s gonna be the next few months of my life: checking out trade school, improving my health, and getting to a better place mentally.

- At some point I would also like to come out to my parents, because I know they’d be fine with it, but I wanna wait until things calm down a bit. My mom would still love and support me, of course, but it would be an adjustment for her, and she’s going through a lot right now. I’m okay with waiting if it means it’ll be a better experience for all of us.

- I’ve also been thinking a lot about religion recently, which isn’t really a new thing - I’ve been questioning my religion on and off for the past several years. Trying to figure out what I believe in. Waffling between “meh” and Christianity and back again, none of it feeling right. It’s been a deeply personal journey, so I haven’t really shared it before, and it will likely continue that way. But I finally hit something that genuinely feels like it works for me, and I’m excited about it, so here - I’m pagan! Very solitary, very eclectic, and very happy.

- Like I said, that probably won’t change anything for this blog, but I had to share it somewhere, because I’m really excited to start this journey.

- All in all, I’ve had some downs during the past few months, and it took me a while to get rid of this ideal that I had for what my early 20s would look like. That ideal wasn’t realistic, and I knew that. I just had it for so long that it was hard to let go of. Letting go is a process, one I’m still working on, but I’ve let go enough to be able to accept a new path for myself - one that feels a lot better to me than what I was previously on.

- So anyway, here’s to 20bi-teen! Let’s keep moving forward!

[badlydrawn-kh]

i won’t be answering anything else like this publicly as I do not want to fill the blog up, but if you want to dm me about it that’s fine

if you guys want me to delete the post entirely that’s fine just tell me! Sorry if I cause anyone distress!

—

i didn’t actually know that about cupio, as an ace person (who doesn’t really care about being in a relationship) I figured it was simply a specific subset definition and identify, especially as I personally have not seen any discussions over the topic.

about the polysexual thing, I actually got into a discussion yesterday with my one of my lesbian friends about attraction to nb people as well as the history of he/him lesbians, so I actually knew that lesbian would’ve been a better fit for her after that (but thank you for confirming that for me!). I always been confused about the difference in poly, pan and bisexual and after looking over the definitions before making the post and seeing a few different things I thought poly was a more accurate description. But I can sorta see now after you’ve mentioned it that this was a vastly incorrect assumption.

and as for the nb thing it was never my intention to be transphobic and while I do hc other characters not on this list as nb (such as demyx and blaine (though given their moral greyness I guess those probably aren’t the best examples), I can totally see how it comes across that way and I do apologise for that. I am not very well versed in the gender side of the community as I’ve only had experience with trans and genderfluid people so again I’m very sorry if my ignorance there caused anyone distress and thank you for telling me!