#im gonna try to like . do smth tmrw lol

[birdricks]

you do it to yourself, you do / and that’s what really hurts

[sensazioneultra]

im rly trying to pretend like things r okay but they're rly not

[lovecrazedpup]

idk

[kuiinncedes]

ah fuck

[girlwithfish]

just feeling down today went to raleigh to sign my name on one line like they couldnt have done docusign or something be fr i drove six hrs for that

got my sweater back

listened to my moms audiobook bc my phone fkn died lol. drove an hour and a half then had top ull over bc i was sleepy. was into the audiobook tbh

hard moving away from where i considered my home for a couple yrs and my first apt that was mine. not feeling great physically ididnt sleep well and i feel all bloated and im mad abt it. just angry and sad a lot. but its ok ik ill recover its just hard rn 🙏i feel like shit physically tho im not looking cute bc i didnt sleep well and i dont like my hair or how my body feels rn idk what to do lmaoo. gonna try to get smth for my man's mom cuz im seeing him tmrw and i go to him and she lives there too and i feel like a nuisance and i also just want her to like me and i feel anxious i met her so quick just cuz she lives there and scared she does not like me. idk. feel overwhelmed w unpacking and sorting thru all my belongings from the movie its all stacked in boxes in the garage idk where to start

[channoticedmeuwu]

So, idk if this is still ok but i saw your post about "if anyone anon or not needs a space to vent they can"

I just need to get a few things off my chest and idk who else to tell so im telling a stranger. Sorry for that bestie.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, SH

You don't gotta keep reading if those make you uncomfortable i just gotta let it out bc i feel like I'll explode if i don't

So, idk if you know the whole "intentionally going numb/ turning off emotions" thing but i basically did that a month or so ago. And now i don't wanna go back to feeling bc i know i will just break down bc everything is too much and the fact that i don't have any real problems just makes everything worse. Like i know i don't have the fucking right to want to k word myself bc i don't have it nearly as bad as other people but that doesn't make me suddenly wanna live?

I have great friends, mostly supportive parents (although their parenting is questionable) im white, live in a wealthy country am abled and never faced "hard" discrimination based on my sexual orientation.

However, everything just seems pointless?

I had ⅓ graduation exams today and the next one which is math is tomorrow and i just straight up did not study bc i didn't see the point. My dad bought me an expensive car although i don't have a driver's license yet (i guess as motivation). And idk why anything would matter. Im turning 18 in a few days and the only good thing im seeing is that im gonna be able to buy my own alcohol.

Earlier i came to the conclusion that tomorrow would be a great day to k word myself and usually i just brush that stuff off but rn it genuinely seems like a pretty good solution. I only haven't done it yet bc i think about my friends and how traumatized they'd be but i was such an asshole today. Im pretty sure one of them (ironically my favorite one) hates me by now bc of all the emotional damage ive caused. They didn't even bother adding anything to the bs i said.

Funnily enough another friend told me i was obsessed with them^ bc i had/have a longass unrequited crush and ngl now that she said it i get what she meant. I am obsessed. Im a piece of shit lol. For constantly treating the people around me like toys. "meh they'll still be here when i play with the other one" no they fucking won't dumbass. I try my best to remind them that i care but the last few times it just sounded so wrong. Like i was forcing them to stay my friends. Like they would leave in a heartbeat if i didn't constantly manipulate them. Funfact my brain is like "you're saying bs rn" which is weird considering it usually likes it when i minimize my problems and make it sound like im being an asshole to everyone even though i just have a bad day.

Idk man. I told my therapist i think i might have adhd and he was like "i don't think you do" Granted he probs thinks im a teenager who's overreacting. Like the last one lol. That lady was smth else lmao. Telling me everything i felt was normal. Uh ma'am sorry but i don't think constantly blaming yourself for everything that literally doesn't have anything to do with you and having a voice in your head that tells you to kword yourself 24/7 is not normal but go off karen.

Anyway a friend messaged the gc earlier asking what we wanna do tmrw night and my first thought was "idk bout u but i hope im dead by then"

My mom's not home anyway so she won't "save me".

Just gotta figure out how and where and write a bunch of letters.

Bc the least i can do is give people a last goodbye. Yk bc i think as bad as it is, if im leaving i could at least give them smth to remember me by. A few words saying im grateful and i know they did their best but they couldn't have stopped me.

Maybe adding some hearts so they remember me as that bubbly caring friend i always tried to be.

Sorry for putting this on you stranger. I just didn't want to tell someone else.

If you've read this far thank you.

I'll try my best to stay alive. Maybe things will get better eventually.

Sorry again.

hey there buddy :'] I just wanna say a few things in response too! I hope I don't step over any personal boundaries, but I'm really worried and I can't bear to see this and not say anything. So under the cut, is just a few words I wanted to say :]

You don't have to read at all if you don't want to <3

[tw : mentions of suicide, bad mental state, negativity ]

I'm really glad you came to me and saw that post. I'm so happy you did, and tbfh I'm really proud of you for doing so. I would never have the guts to do it, and I think you're really brave for it.

I see that you're struggling a lot, and although it might sound strange coming out of a stranger, I really do appreciate you here. I know I can't do much rather than just offer presence on a website, but I really believe in you.

It's sad to know that people have to go through alot recently. I'm sorry you were faced with that. It must be very tough, and I really just want to give you a big hug </3

another thing I wanted to add : I am a person of color, and I just want to say that just because the world and alot of pocs are facing serious issues that people deem as "something to actually be depressed about", you should never compare your personal issues to that. Yes, sure, the world is suffering, yes, sure, everyone is facing problems, and yes, of course, some problems may hurt more than others do. That does not mean yours are invalid. I don't believe anyone needs a "reason" to be depressed. It's not a voluntary action, you can't control those feelings. Please, trust me, do not feel bad. Someone, a very close friend of mine, told me this while we were alone together. I'm glad she did, because it made me feel better at that time. And I'm passing on the message because it's true. No matter your sexuality, your race, your financial status, your gender identity; your issues at valid. Your problems are valid. You have every right to be upset, and you shouldn't invalidate yourself like that.

I'm sorry that you have to go through so much to go to be willing to do the k-thing. Al though I can't say much, I would love for you to stay. You would always have a welcoming place in my blog, and you'd always be appreciated here. I'm so sorry for everything happening, and I'm so sorry for not being able to do anything more. I don't know if you want to hear this, but I love you. I love you alot, very much, and it hurts me too, to see you like this.

Please, if you ever want to stay, if you ever want to chat, if you ever need a leaning shoulder or a listening ear, please, reach out to me. My dms are always open, my inbox is always open. If I don't reply, it's because I'm asleep.

Again, I'm glad you were brave enough to share this, and I'm glad that you're still here. I really appreciate you, my inbox and dms are ALWAYS open, please, drop by and say something whenever you feel like it.

Thanks for this message anon, I love you <3

My heart reaches out to you. I'll always be here. I meant what I said.

[foreverxdaydreaming]

im so beyond fucking stressed right now...

it's currently 5am and i still haven't been able to fall asleep, if im pushing it i can MAYBE still try to get in 2hrs of sleep before my first class but tmrw is a real busy long day for me and if i end up pulling another all nighter like monday's.... i really think I'm gonna crash.. i can't keep this shit up bc I'm never gonna survive my 9am at this rate pulling 3 all nighters a week... yesterday i was able to sleep early just fine, so what? did i rest too much??? so now i just can't sleep huh?? this 9am is my korean class which i adore with all my heart. the prof is almost a 2nd mom to me at this point and my classmates are a ton of fun... but jesus my body is suffering a tremendous toll not even a week in already.. [deep sigh] maybe i'll see if i can go cry myself to sleep or smth bc all other options have clearly failed..lol.... maybe a decent cry will help, assuming i even have the energy to do that..😔

[narahalara]

a mini update to myself about my life that ive been procrastinating on for a week now lol

instead of reading my article that i have a quiz on tmrw im gonna type this cause ive been meaning to type this but been delaying it idk why.I wanted to write this i think cause i havent really updated myself in awhile, and i think it be good to look back on and reflect for future me to read or skim through if I am still the same LOL. 

Ok so the last couple weeks, i actually got really stressed and sleep deprived and i was having a lot of high and low days. like some days ill be on fire and super productive and happy then other days i can barely get out of bed and was so tired. I was sleeping at like 2-3 am straight which is actually not normal for me cause yes i am a granny that sleeps usually around 11-12ish. Anyways, I was tired from studying for my exams, like i was pulling these all nighters, to the point where on wednesday last week, i burnt out literally. i had 2 midterms the next day (halloween) but i couldnt do it anymore so i just prayed that all the info i had studied would be retained and i slept at like 7 pm and did not wake up until 9 am the next morning so i felt like i temporarly died or hibernated for 14 hours lol but it helped me recuperate cause i was dead tired physically and mentally. Then I had my midterms, and thankfully they were “ok” they were still hard ofc but for the most part I dont think i failed so yeah. and then for halloween my roomies and i had dinner together and we drank and made desserts it was so cute and nice as like a treat for finishing those midterms. 

so after that i got a chance to settle down cause for the weekend i only had to study for my final midterm that was this monday, and thankfully the material is pretty straightforward. The test was multiple choice and it wasnt hard, but there were some questions on the student presentations and i skipped that day cause it was wednesday when i fell ill and couldnt go to class :( so hopefully i can get at least a B but thats ok.

In addition to this, i also had to skip my gym session on wednesday which at first i was a little sad about cause i have been pulling a really good streak since like late june lol, but i really pushed myself on friday and sunday (and even today which is tuesday lol). and but heres the kinda like woah idk how i feel about thing like half happy but half concerned. i dropped 8 pounds this month unintentionally. which i have some theories? i think its 1) i walk ALOT back n forth from my apt to campus 2) ive been pushing myself pretty hard at the gym 3) i eat a lot but its really healthy like example salmon and brown rice and a ton of veggies, but think there has been a deficit in calories on some days?? idk like i dont think im eating less but maybe i am?? 4) ive been FAMISHLY HUNGRY LIKE ALL THE TIME LIKE RN I AM HUNGRY EVEN THOUGH I ATE DINNER A COUPLE HOURS AGO, idk why im sooooo hungry even though i eat alot but im not ganing weight. 

Like my normal weight this year is 117-120 lbs. but now its like i wake up 110 lbs and by the end of the day im only like 112-113 lbs. like i havent seen those numbers since freshmen year of high school. and sometimes i wake up famished and fatigue, like a lil weak until i eat smth. idk, maybe i need to start eating snacks throughout the day. in all fairness i have been just eating like 2 meals a day but there like BIG. maybe i need to change it up. I have noticed i lost weight it my stomach which is nice, but i think i did lose weight in my legs which im sad about cause its really hard to grow my quads/hamstrings and glutes cause when i lose weight thats usually the area that will be targeted first which i do not like. so i guess i have unintentionally cutted this month lol so i might as well try bulking which is mean im gonna have to try to lift heavier (yikes im still trying to fix my unstable n uncoordinated ass lol) and eat a lot more than i already am even though i thought i was eating alot. ok for example this morning i ate an omellete that contained 3 eggs, mushrooms, tomato, spinach, brocolli, and a bunch of cheese with orange juice. then for lunch i had a blaze veggie pizza (since i dont eat meat) with a salad. then for dinner i ate baked salmon with mayo and a whole bunch of veggies WITH CHEESE and more juice, and i even had bang pre workout for my gym session today and a cup of coffee to keep me awake during my night chem lab AND I AM STILL HUNGRY RN MY STOMACH IS GROWLING AS I TYPE THIS LIKE WHAT. so yeah im just hoping i do not drop anymore like this is fine, once i start going below 110 thats like a danger zone and i probably should ask someone professional if this is normal haha. 

ok next im deciding if i should go home, but i think i will because 1) need to do laundry 2) running out of food 3) miss my sissies 4) might wanna see my 8th grade loml LOL 5) allow me to reset, cause i feel like today is officially the ned of first half of fall quarter, like from this point forward its officially a new start again in a way since the finals are not “cumulative” for the most part. like i am resetting. 

also as i said ive been having some highs and lows which has been kinda hard cause on the days im really happy i know that im gonna hit sadness again, and i do but then i get ok like its been really huge fluctuations lately, it can also possible be due to daylight saving but i dont think thats a huge factor cause this has been happening weeks before daylight saving (also my sleeping schedule is messed up lol) 

i think i’ve just been busy lately with trying to balance school, work, volunteering tasks (yes i finally worked the courage to do health related stuff LOL like im getting training in a few weeks but i was stressing cause it interferes with my night labs but shoutout to my hella chill ta who said i can go to his other section i just gotta notify the professor so praying that it works out) and i know i am still in that not really sure what i wanna do in life but this is like a good thing i feel its stepping out of my comfort zone), and self care like going to the gym eating healthy, trying to give myself rest and breaks, remind myself to socialize even though im so introverted i know i still need human contact etc. so yeee. 

ok last thing i dont wanna really write about but whatever its part of this. remember self when you said by one month you will be completely and utterly over him and you can move on with your life. well the first half happened, yeah your highly superficial stupid unrealistic emotions are gone but literally down 90% of my healing im talking like late october hes gotta hit me up again and you know me like i cant resist LOL i hate me whatever you know its fine its better i think im in a better place/my head is better screwed on and i know what i want which is nothing LOL like i still maintained my other side bois i didnt completely stop talking to them just to talk to this one kid like i did couple months ago and i feel like my mind is more occupied with other things lately (even if unfortunately some of those things give me stress) but yeahhhhhh but we were supposed to meet up but it isnt even happening honestly i think i might just keep moving and searching for another to just mess around with cause honestly i cannot wait forever so yeah.... future me forgive me in advance for being weak LOL 

ok i think thats all for the most part right now im feeling good, I know lifes not always so happy and productive, but i have to remind myself theres always gonna be good days, and with every bad day is a day closer to a better one. so you got this narah! OK NOW I NEED TO READ MY ARTICLE CAUSE I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A QUIZ ON IT TMRW AND I DONT GET IT end rant here 

[transanger]

hm gn im gonna try to sleep now

[narahalara]

woaw vent time? here we go

hello ok i randomly wanna just write about my life and stuff so here we goooOOOooooooooOo

so i moved back to ucla on thursday and my roomie is coming back to tmrw. I finally have decorations in my room and its so cute!! heehee im happy with the outcome although i still want a succulent plant/nature elements but i need to save my money kasi i spent “a lot” this summer LOL I went to the gym alot this weekend and just went to the mall and westwood to walk around and buy some things. I need to stop spending though and actually buy my textbooks for this quarter woops lol. I also went to church today and it was a good message and saw some old faces which was nice. this summer i spent a lot of time trying to get back my guitar skills and i actually wrote a random song yesterday about my former love lawls so yeah. I start work tomorrow and I am lowkey like happy that I got more hours than i requested because i need to earn my money back that I lost LOL (i keep lol-ing everytime i talk about how much ispent but like seriously i need to actually create a savings system this year) anyways school officially starts thursday but i have labs and discussion that day and i got an email saying we dont need to go this week for labs but idk about discussion sooooo yeah idk we will see. I really dont feel like its school like its weird idk im starting my major/upper divs and im scared cause its gonna be a challenge but also kinda excited cause were gonna work with cadavers this quarter and i think thatll be interesting. I also joined a kickboxing class with my roomie this quarter so i am pumped for that too just a way to keep my active. i am dtermined to make a routine for gyming this year thanks to my sisters gym pass this summer she got to teach me how to use the machiens so i dont look like an idiot trying to figure it out on my own so hopefully i cant add more variation like weight lifting HIIT conditioning machines workouts to my routine. I wanna get more fit this year as I do every year to ya know just maintain my health physically and mentally. I want to join a volunteering club this year so hopefully this tuesday i can go to the activities fair to find one i really want to serve this year tbh. I just need to take initiative to start up things. I talked this over with my sissy this summer, how i realized one of my majors flaws is actually that im pretty lazy which i never thought id call myself. but i am, i realized sometimes its not just my shyness its the fact that i wont start up smth. so this year im choosing to take more initiative whether its to join things, talk to people, gym more, volunteer, study earlier and smarter etc. but yeah. tbh my weirdest worry rn is wondering if i forgot how to make a pizza since i go back to work tomorrow and the last time i was working was back in June RIP lol but i think ill be fine it should come back second nature also my work is at 11 which doesnt seem bad right? but NO i have been struggling to get up these past WEEKS like ill wake up at 9 and be like aw ok nice still early 5 more minutes then i wake up AND ITS LIKE 11ISH AND IM LIKE WHAT HAPPENED. so yeah i need to fix my schedule. Well yeah i guess thats my life so far. I think i wanted to write about someone in this but now my hand is cramping and i ended up writing this so yeah its ok well just need to pray to God for guidance and strength this upcoming school year. God you know my worries and fears, but I know you got me. Lets do this.