#im like.........getting there in therapy but its really hard | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jasperyourmutt · 17 days

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zonked out on the dog bed snoring up a storm. you come over and rub the soft spot on the top of my nose. i let out the most contented sigh

#blllllaggggh busiest doggy everyday of my life and i am exhausted #ye beware of sadposting ahead. more like just need to get thoughts out of my headposting yk. im ok just tired #friend said to me today 'youre always doing something these days jasper when do you rest?'#and i was like huh good question! i dont hahaha. damn #which is not a bad thing always. but my plate is incredibly full and i have no one to help me #im in a really good place. things are happening that ive wanted to happen for years. but i have no time to take care of me #and the ppl who are supposed to take care of me dont. and they let me down everytime i try to ask for it. which im used to #but it doesnt make it any easier. theres just not enough hours in the day and not enough energy in my little doggy body #i used to be able to push myself past the wall of exhaustion. but after my therapy program ik i just can not do that anymore #im really proud of myself. being an adult is hard. im doing everything right. but i just wish i had someone by my side to help me #anyways.#i am a very good boy #yapping #if youre reading this hi im just venting im fine. its just been a long day and i want someone to give me a head massage #jasperbarks

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humanmorph · 1 year

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therapy, huh

#phrygian #palisade #friends at the table #fatt #rosa art #palisade 20 #the worksheet. is also phrygian to be clear like i have to believe that a twilight mirage trained therapist would give out better material #than something i made in 10 minutes.#the branched....... the branched. branched concept of mental health care? who even knows. but it also has to be better.#and they definitly dont have worksheets. phrygian can make a bad one & then not really fill it out. it makes sense to me #i relistened to the therapy session to get the. timeframes saffron mentioned right and its like.wow this got even more depressing #in retrospect.#i tried really hard to make the worksheet look worse by scanning & printing & scanning it again but we JUST got a new printer at work #alas. it works too well.#btw can you tell im having fun with screentones? because i am.#its a nice solution for 'i dont want this in monotone but i ALSO dont want to color'#id in alt text #i hope its fine.#palisade spoilers #but from like 4 episodes ago.im just careful.#i havent listened to the new ep yet idk if ill get to it tomorrow?#MAN............... phrygian : (

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moeblob · 6 months

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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

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pocket-deer-boy · 10 months

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i just realized it's been a year and two months since i originally asked for therapy and i'm still not getting therapy. normal country

#its a specialized autism therapy and im going to be honest #im not very hopeful of them #like they require proof of diagnosis first of all #and second they really fucking needed me to hand in a fucking 10 year old diagnosis for some fucking reason #i had to back and forth with these cunts for like 6 months #before i finally told them upfront like #hey man. that 10 year old report is really fucking hard for me to get my hands on #and i'm still not receiving any kind of help with this which makes keeping up with these emails and papers extra difficult #and this 10 year old report is going to be fucking useless because it was written when i was 13 #it's not going to contain information that would be more useful to you than simply asking me directly about my current situation #please. just give me therapy #and then they put me on a wait list of 7 to 9 months suddenly #like wow you really pretended to be super fucking bureaucratic for no fucking reason huh

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softshuji · 10 months

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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh

#i just find it like so unfair yknow #im the only one who works in myhouse and full time #but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put #my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but #i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger #its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad #and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility #and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough #and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother #said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9 #and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time #constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers #and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either #its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they #cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl #thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on #im just tired and upset #its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing #im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf #oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this #and yk what #thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is #i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return #or if not #theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them #i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me #its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me

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famewolf · 6 months

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speaking of ocd, I think I'm realizing that I truly don't have anxiety and it's literally just my ocd. im not anxious about anything until it involves me and suddenly I'm spiraling

#[static]#it's hard to describe succinctly but the anxiety I deal with nowadays is directly related to my ocd and autism #some anxiety is so easy to brush off but the ones stemming from my ocd are extremely difficult to get out from under #i'll spiral for weeks about one specific thing and ruminate on it and mentally worry and pick at it forever #it's utterly exhausting jfkdghdf some days are easier than others #and often that one thing I ruminate on becomes multiple things all stemming from the first thing #like recently it's been my car ... the thing is totally fine ... runs fine drives fine but ive been freaked out by it for the last 3 weeks #every time i go into the shop theyre like ... everything is good in fact its in good condition for its age and they'll mention like #one thing that will need to be replaced to keep it in tip top condition and then my brain will fixate on it and imagine all the ways #something horrific will happen if that doesnt get changed and then that leads to all the other things in the car suddenly freaking me out #i defs used to have general anxiety and depression but those went away literally the day i got top surgery #poof instantly gone it was wild and i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop #never did but now my ocd has been really bad the last 6 months cuz of all the extra horrifying things going on #so i thought it was just my anxiety coming back but this week i realized it was my ocd and have been treating it accordingly #and ive seen some relief but i definitely need to go back to therapy once i get my insurance again #its the only way to get a hold on it and my last therapist ended up moving states so we didnt get to work on tools for it very much #im yapping at this point i just needed to vent for a second about how truly yucky ocd makes me feel

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goatmilksoda · 7 months

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I love "This Too Shall Pass" but the thing about it is sometimes shit takes a really long time to pass. Yes "This Too Shall Pass" but can it hurry up a little please? I'm doing all the coping I can but when said problem is supposed to last more than 100 more days and there's nothing I can do to speed it up, it gets kind of hard not to go insane.

#like ok im focusing on the positives im using 3 different journals im reaching out to friends im using my weekends for self care #im tending to hobbies im getting sunshine im age regressing im using mantras im trying to get active #but its also really fucking hard to fit that all into 2.5 hours on the weekdays after work #and the 1.5 days of weekend i get from having to work saturday mornings too #i also have the therapy going the maladaptive daydreaming and the tarot cards out. all the stops are being pulled #and at the end of the day #i still feel drained #i meditate and i get active and i get enough sleep but jfc we were not made to live like this I WAS NOT MADE TO LIVE LIKE THIS #there are 3000 pumpkins in my enclosuee and i keep throwing in new ones to help but at the end of the day #when the tiger still has to perform 3 circus shows a day and learn how to manage ticketting for said circus #knowing he isnt really getting paid its kind of hard #to be interested in those pumpkins #i hope that metaphor makes sense

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acedavestrider · 1 month

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does anyone have any advice on how to feel alive again

#me @ me: no one cares #sorry to keep depression posting i just dont know what to do #its hard to stay positive when everything feels so fucking bad all the time #covid shit is stressing me out. election shit sucks so bad. my health is bad my mental illnesses are mental illnessing #and if one more person at my stupid fucking job makes a fucking comment about my fucking mask im actually going to start killing #im so serious. i really cant do this anymore #why dont people care about other people it makes no sense #why are people so fucking horrible to each other. everything is so fucking horrible #one of my coworkers literally right now has covid and on our zoom call he was like well the vaccine wouldnt have done anything anyways #are you sure about that??? because you sound like you cant fucking breathe #idk i just feel hopeless and bitter and exhausted and like nothing will ever be okay ever again. and im At Work.#how are you supposed to combat this. what are you supposed to do.#no amount of cognitive fucking behavioral therapy is going to fix the fascism or the climate change or the pandemic or the or the or the #like literally why bother. it doesn't matter nothing matters!#i just want to go home #but then when i get home im like fuck. i really want to go home.

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creepy-scrawl · 3 days

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My gf begged me to be on FB and I went there for a week and I felt so 🤡🤡🤡🤡 bc her main argument is that she misses me so much and "that is a way to interact in our day to day" but I'm there w no one to talk to and she is not even there. It just made me feel so stupid and even sadder bc I feel so alone in my relationship.

#i get her mental illness.. i would never throw a tantrum about her availability... i know she struggles..i know its even infuriating for her #shes asleep most of the time.. if i want to see her is me who has to organize things. im overworking learning dbt therapy...#i work a lot to make the minimun wage.. and still i make time to investigate about her bpd and adhd i try so hard to make her feel Cherised #i get her family is not the best.. i really dont think her mother is a bad person but she is a botch w her...#but ngl.. the fact that my gf doesnt even listen to the audios i send bc im bussy to text ... hurts... i feel alone ... i do feel alone #ive always been a lonely child.. ive always been pretty independent... but i sometimes feel like ppl take that #as an invitation to ignore me...#and this thing may be silly.. is just fb...but fb stresses the f out of me.. and ngl it feel sad im there. sharing stuff through out the day #and she doesnt even notices it... idk...#in just 🤡🤡🤡🤡 always i guess #venting #delete later

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toytulini · 2 months

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reeeeeeally wish. it didnt feel. like the needs of my body vs the needs of my brain were actively in fucking conflict with each other in a way that makes it impossible to function or exist

#toy txt post #chronic pain #just. really frustrated. cant see a way out or through or over or whatever here yall #augh #and dad wants me to. do what i was doing before that made everything worse somehow as a method to get my foot in the door and fucking #network???? to do?????? unclear. until i get what. middle management?#how the fuck would that help anything #meanwhile i am trying to muster the executive function to complete. the catpans #ouaghghahghhgghg #it is so hard to be gentle with myself about this bc it doesnt feel like i deserve gentleness for it! like i have worked so hard to try to #unlearn the ableism and shit but that doesnt really fucking help much if both my parents just keep that shit so deeply baked into their #worldview that they interpret me trying to treat myself a little gentler as being a lazy freeloader or whatever #like im really trying not to be too harsh on myself about this but for what? at least if im mean to me about it i have ground to stand on #in calling their meanness unjust and unnecessary cos dont worry!!!!!!!!! i can reproduce the entire fucking ableism cycle inside my own #head and self flagellate for not being able ti push through it like you guys did so you dont have to! in fact i am so good at it that it #makes it an impossible topic to address! bc i just speedrun everything into thinking of myself as worthless so you dont have to! see im not #a total laze/s #god. i hate this so much so fucking much. aaaaagh. there are a number of things i CAN do and unfortunately none of them seem to be #the necessary administrative faff of it all #oausbdjsfusbfhshhrrrgrhrhgggg #trying to organize notes of talking points to unpack this a little in therapy this week but its only the second appt. so like. she wanted #to go through a bit of a questionnaire? idkkkk

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tearingdread · 2 months

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havin a normal one 👍

#do u ever see ur irl friends hanging out w each other and get jealous bc u weren’t invited even tho u probably wouldn’t have enjoyed #the activity they are doing #god it’s always fucking like this. ive always fucking felt this since i was a kid and I thought it was better now that i had better friends #but apparently not #ive gotten better at initiating but fuck why do i always have to do it #i still need to improve a lot but man why the fuck can’t i just have people who want me around and make an effort to make me feel that way #im trying and its so fucking difficult to break this routine ive set and i know i need to try harder #but fucking god #it really doesn’t help that i have this notion that everyone hates me bc there is something fundamentally wrong w me #and i know im overreacting and my friends do not hate me #and that there isn’t anything so terrible that it would make every person I meet hate me #but sometimes when no one makes the effort towards you it’s hard to see that #it’s also awful bc it seems like the few times they do reach out abt something it’s last minute and i can’t prepare for it appropriately #so i end up rejecting the offer #and it seems like whenever i can’t make it onve i never get asked again #idk i hope im just being dramatic and my chronic loneliness is coloring my perception #anyway. i think i have therapy next week so.

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bloodbankzz · 4 months

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it is painful to learn the "normal" ways that people reasonably around my age were motivated to do things their parents wanted, ie chores or getting good grades in school. this is a pain that has built over time because, seeing it around me as a kid, i could reason that maybe every single one of my friends were just spoiled. but, eerily, every time it seems the topic of motivating children comes up in whatever conversation is bringing it up, it seems like. and it still feels presumptuous to say. but most people as children were rewarded for good behavior. the one i was most envious of as a child was that multiple of my friends got paid money for getting As, and it was actually very shocking to me to find out that that is at least kind of a little more universal than i really really was sure it was not, but that's not the big thing that causes me pause now. generally, it seems, children are rewarded in some way for doing things their parents ask of them. writing and then stepping back and reading such a sentence makes me feel like an alien trying to puzzle out the function of the human pancreas lmfao but i dont know. in the wider conversations where this happens to come up, describing these motivators is never the point, which is maybe part of the difficulty for me. it's really hard to process that not everyone was doing what their parents said to do out of cold pure fear for their life. there's so many things it turns out other kids were getting. stickers and movie tickets and candy and praise and love. i am so sad.

#abuse tw #its hard to evensay because in a way somehow im still sure every single person is going to turn on me #despite this having been a long growing revelation based on things other people have said without it even being possible for me to have #influenced what they were saying i am like #deeply sure somehow that everyone will Know i really am just the entitled spoiled ungrateful one #idiot dont you know everyone gets screamed at and hit and chased down until theyre cowering with their back to the wall begging for mercy #all possible exits blocked because you didnt want to go out to eat with the rest of your family after church service? why would you even sa #something stupid like what you just did. you know it was right after all. just like when you got a B in that class you remember and you kno #you KNOW what happened was right #you only whine to other people because youre such a fucking bitch trying to smear the good name of your poor parents. they suffer to the da #<- in my mind i write this and immediately every person i know comes out of the shadows to say this to me because its what theyve believed #and known all along and then they all leave me and i die here #i probably need to go back to therapy but ive spent 5 years doing weekly sessions + months in an institute and i dont know if at this point #anything is going to help #5 years of my life 5 years #ive heard what feels like fucking everything #i crack open a work book or jusgt a like a normal book on the topic of (insert mental disorder) and i have already read it a billion fuckin #times and i keep up with the meditation and the journaling until it drives me freaking bonkers and i have to take a break from the frustrat #-on like WHAT do i do. at this point fuck it we ball + just make sure to stay on alert for snake oil salesmen bc i know im vulnerable #in this sort of position

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girl-bateman · 4 months

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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all #literally my soul is gone or something #i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed #which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better #alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off #like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot #like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy #moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously #but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends #i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help #idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho #like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback #kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk #it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore #but who knows 🤷‍♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol #that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown #like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way #and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever #and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality #plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good #but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you #but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !

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scentofpines · 2 months

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my brother is visiting us again and i'm soooo fucking doneeee he is so annoying omg

#how did my sister and i get all the cool genes #he touched me again (like in a friendly way not weird) but i really dislike it and i glared at him and he just didnt stop until i was like #“I'm about to punch you” lmao #i know i should just set clear boundaires etc etc but its so uncomfortable to do that bc it makes YOU the person who turns a normal situati #n into something uncomfortable and weird by saying something #but like my mom and my sister confirm that i can conjur a VERY obvious leave-me-the-fuck-alone-ill-kill-you-if-you-touch-me-aura #and he doesnt have the autism excuse not to notice that #i think what i also really hate is that he just doesnt take me serious as an adult bc i'm the youngest of us #he's 6 yrs older and that might have been a lot when we were kids but it isnt really anymore and i'm fucking 23!!#i can take care of myself just fine #like asking if i ate lunch and if im doing ok and all in this kinda pitiful voice that I CANT STAAANDDDD #and he always tries to illicite some kinda deep therapy like talk when i dont want to #i find him so incredibly hard to deal with rn #also he smells bad sorry not sorry #and i dont get how so many men dont notice that they fucking REEK #personal

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tokyoteddywolf · 6 months

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22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.

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widevibratobitch · 7 months

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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol #anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly #but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size #acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years #and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating #(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive #when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well #and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom #and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao #like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is #anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333 #god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by #but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr #anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.

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