#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !

[girl-bateman]

Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

[daedalusdavinci]

Meaningful gestures 30. "Wow, you really did your research, huh? That's amazing..." is eating my brain because of college!Bruharvey. Like, this doesn’t have to be a prompt but just picture Harv/2-F’s reaction to seeing Bruce do research just to help them.

(I can’t decide what would be better, Harv or 2-F fronting in the moment they find out.)

god my requests are closed because ive had such a hard time writing recently but youre right. youre right youre absolutely right. i had to take a shot at it. i went with harv just bc i think 2fs realization is more of a gradual thing of like, hes engaging with me, hes asking questions about this, hes been talking to harvey, hes researching this. whereas for harvey hes the king of denial and repression and its just going to hit him all at once bonus: ive got bundle of joy from the inside out soundtrack looping as i play this and i think it adds to the devastation

heres the prompt meme

The stack of books on Bruce's desk feels like an impossible tower, its shadow looming over Harvey the way his father used to during those late nights, clothes disheveled and beer still in hand.

Except, it's not like that at all. It's huge and overwhelming, terrifying in its size, but its scary because of what it represents- not what it might do. The hit comes before Harvey ever knows he has to brace for it, finding an unguarded place in his ribs and striking straight through to his heart. The air leaves his lungs. His steps stagger. His hands feel shaky and his knees are untrustworthy, at risk of giving out beneath him at any minute.

They're just books. They're just books. It's what Bruce does. He inhales knowledge like his life depends on it, drawn to every bit of esoterica he can get his hands on. It shouldn't matter.

But it does.

Harvey half expects the books to vanish when he reaches for them, but the spines are cracked and worn, the pages soft and bending under his thumb. Sticky notes feather the edges and a journal is wedged somewhere in the stack, the telltale leather a sign that Bruce has been taking notes. It's the kind of journal he uses for things he wants to remember, too- the things that really matter, and not just the stuff the teachers drone on about in lecture. The words choke in Harvey's throat and they come out too small, but he says, "You really did your research."

"Of course," Bruce says, like he's surprised there was ever even any doubt that he would, like he never even considered that there was another option available to him. "It's a part of you. I should know about it."

Except no one has ever wanted to know about it before. No one ever...

Harvey's mother loved him more than anything, but it was always beyond her. She sent him to therapy and she tried her best, but she never understood it. She didn't ask questions. It was her way of trying not to make him feel any stranger than he already did, but sometimes it just felt like she hoped he would be as normal as they pretended he was. Few people outside of her ever knew. Fewer of them were understanding. None of them ever asked beyond what was immediately strange or interesting, and it didn't really matter to them- not really. He was just an alien experience in their otherwise normal lives.

"Harv." Bruce's face is suddenly the only thing Harvey can see. His eyebrows are furrowed, the scar on his forehead pulling with it. His frown is perfect- a soft, pink pout that Harvey wants to trace with his thumb. A calloused palm cups Harvey's cheek, the edge of Bruce's thumb sweeping under his eye. It feels wet. "Hey."

It's too much. It feels like Harvey's rib cage is caving in around his heart and there's no space left for air. When he falls, Bruce is warm and solid and there, strong arms wrapping around Harvey's back and squeezing him close. Harvey's arms loop around his shoulders and his fingers grasp at the back of Bruce's shirt, and the way he jams his face into Bruce's neck, he's sure he's getting tears and snot on Bruce's collar, and it probably sucks, but Bruce doesn't complain for a second. Bruce holds him and it just feels safe.

Harvey had thought there was nothing more terrifying than telling Bruce he had DID. It'd felt like the ultimate plunge, plummeting off a cliff and just trusting that he'd hit the water right, cutting through the waves instead of splattering against the surface. But to be loved like this- to be stripped bare and step into the light, and to have someone place their hands on his scars and press promises into his skin, to not just accept him, but embrace him- it feels like drowning. It's dark and overwhelming and it burns, it burns to think that someone could look at the parts of himself he holds so much shame in and still love him, because it means maybe he deserved that much this whole time.

But when he breathes again, it's like breaking through the waves. It's the relief of being alive, the giddiness of adrenaline, and the warmth of the sun on his face again. It's the kiss Bruce presses into his hair.

It's being madly, madly in love.

[fairycosmos]

do you ever feel like you know you need therapy but you feel like it won't work on you? like i've had Problems since i was a child and i've been on the internet long enough to research and learn most if not all the most common tricks and tips that a therapist would give me so i feel like, apart from maybe giving me meds, it would be a colossal waste of money.. i still know that i need help somehow because i've been rawdogging life for the past 25 years and im Tired, but it feels pointless to spend more money than i have for someone to tell me i need to get away from my abusive family and ~ practice mindfulness ~ lol

absolutelyyyy ive had this feeling and honestly i think meeting therapists you're incompatible with only intensifies that thought process like.....ive had these lifelong problems and you want me to spend my hard earned money that could be going to rent or food on some stranger that is telling me to breathe through my deeply rooted illnesses? it absolutely IS frustrating and i think your feelings of discouragement/burnout/exhaustion are completely understandable. the field of psychology has so many fucking issues that are fed directly into how MH professionals work with patients. im not even sure i have like an answer or a solution to it because i struggle with this exact same thing!

but i guess what i would say is that its important not to discredit the fact that every therapist works differently and every counselling experience is wildly different. you may very well know all the common tricks and tips for dealing with your specific state of mind (i totally agree btw, the internet had made me extremely hyperaware of my own mental issues for better and for worse LOL), but there is always something solid to be offered when you find a professional you feel comfortable talking to, who offers an outsiders insight. even if it's just getting a weight off your shoulders for that one afternoon. therapist shopping is extremely expensive and obviously inaccessible to most, so im not suggesting that - i guess my main point would be don't give up on ALL forms of mental health support available in your community hust because working with a few professionals didn't work out, bc it's so so common and it doesn't mean youre doomed or beyond help. you will always deserve that space to talk and to feel heard, even if you can half-guess what they might tell you in response. it's unfathomably difficult to find a strong, consistent therapist that you bode well with (i would give anything for one LOL) but i do think they're out there and that there are useful tools to be found in therapy or counselling or even just reaching out and being vulnerable in general. what i have tried to accept recently is that asking for help isn't going to solve any of my problems - it is not going to make things normal or easy because i have a neurodivergent brain and i have truly been traumatised. it is just gonna give me the tools and the suggestions i need to get through the day. and i still haven't found that myself - but i think it's likely that it's out there. and it's a step up from rawdogging life, if not a solution to life itself.

im sorry, i know this is not the perfect example or anything close to it. i myself breakdown often because i feel like it's so hopeless and difficult and relentlessly painful. but i urge you to always be open to accepting help if and when it is in front of you. even if it seems pointless. sending a massive hug your way. X

resource / resource/ resource / resource

[sucktacular]

cw weight loss mention.

today.... is a good readmore!! good news!! a lil bit of a vent here and there cuz my brain is a mine field, but over all im feeling kind of good?

not to like.... pat my own lil head about it or anything but i went outside today. AND i went on a WALK on my OWN around the neighbourhood.... I've never walked around here on my own, and i think the last time I went out for a walk on my own was a year and a half ago when i had to come out here to check out the room for rent (current room). so its really been a hot fuckin minute. i was honestly feeling super anxious. but i put in my head phones and listened to my music and text-talked to some friends and it made it a lil easier. ; w;

I've been working out a lot too for the past few days!!!! My lil weights and lots of other exercises.... I feel really good about it so far honestly and I really hope maybe I can keep this up. especially through winter.

honestly im terrified of winter coming. i really dont want to feel stuck inside again and things get worse? I want so badly to go outside on my own. Be able to do shopping when I need. Go get little treats! Take care of myself and my needs. I'd really really like to work on getting a job or some sort of money source.because disability denied me over and over despite having even a therapist letter confirming like. heyyy theyre fucked up!!!, but like.... i want so badly to have money again. and i want to save and i want to put it away and also... being on social assistance im not allowed to leave canada for more than 7 days in a row and that is straining the FUCK out of my relationship and like my life moving forward at all in general. we cant go on a trip to the Adirondacks for the seasonal change and im super fucking bummed out about it honestly. and its literally just cuz of social assistance keeping me at home. its literally so fucked.

but anyway. im trying my fucking damnedest and im trying soooooo hard to keep upright and now sink and slip back down. Ive got some friends in my corner. and thats great. but its all on me at the end of the day. and if im being frank i fucking HATE HOW IM LIVING!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT!!!! TO BE DEPENDANT!!!! ON PEOPLE!!!!! i dont want to be stuck at home, the summer is fucking gone and i barely did anything.... i want to go out! i want to go to concerts! i want to go to festivals!! i want to go to meet ups and visit friends and i want to do so many fucking things!!! i want to explore, i want to see the world, i want to eat food and meet ppl and experience. i want so much out of my life. but im absolutely holding myself back. and i know its not entirely on me to just push myself out of that because i also dont want to burn out. and i know mental illness and i know i know i know.

but

im so tired of this. im literally clawing in my cage here and i dont feel like anyone really GETS that? idk idk maybe ppl do im just out of my mind and this ISNT ME. this isnt who i want to be, and i know i dont really get much of an option in that? cuz my brain is going to fucking keep doing what it is doing. but i AM getting therapy. I AM talking about the hard hard fucking shit. the shit that makes me want to kms the shit that makes me want to peel my skin off or just disappear entirely. im trying. and i dont want to crash and i dont want to burn and go back to this again. but like... idk man if i dont fucking push myself up im NOT gonna get back up. im complacent in the comfort of hiding away from life. when i want nothing more than to love everyone and kiss my friends faces and hold their hands and go to places and see things and eat things and do stuff blah blah blah

im strong.. im smart.. im creative... I CAN dance the dance. but im terrorized by the thought of existing enough to not be wanted around by even just one person LMAO;;;;;;

anyway this is getting a bit venty but

I WENT OUT!!! I WALKED FOR LIKE 30MIN. I GOT SWEATY. I CAME HOME. I WORKED A LITTLE. I DID MY DISHES YESTERDAY. I WORKED UP A HUGE SWEAT LAST NIGHT. I MAKE MY BED EVERY DAY. THE WEATHER IS CHILLING. I LOST 20LBS SINCE APRIL!!!! I HAVE A BETTER SLEEP SCHEDULE AND IM TRYING MY DAMNEST TO KEEP BRING IT BACK A BIT MORE (4/6am - 3/4pm right now. I'd love to wake up by 10am at minimum honestly). IM MOTIVATED IM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD.

i need to remember im independent. and i fucking adore my independence. and i need to stop being so complacent to allow ppl to care for me. like obv my heart is open to it and i let people in and i dont shy away. to be a human is to care and receive care. but my independence is a deeply deeply personal thing for me and without it im... just not myself. im just not me. im just not at my full potential. and i reallllly need to work it out.

[fratboykate]

None of my friends are watching The Ultimatum because apparently I'm the only good gay in my friend group so please give me all your thoughts. I want all of them.

i just finished watching the last two and when i tell you i have NEVER IN MY FUCKING LIFE been more vindicated by a reunion episode. i mean it. i watched the proposal episode and with the exception of ONE couple (we all know who...i hope we all know who. i hope we're all smart enough to know who!) i was progressively more outraged by all those decisions. you can tell im trying to be as least spoilery as possible because y'all need to go watch this mess for yourselves but jesus fucking christ. none of those people should've been together to begin with much less for however many years they have been together.

im 97.2% certain one of them is a full blown psycopath (i also hope we all know who it is) and aussie...oh my god aussie. throw the whole person away and start over. that's a ten-year-old child with zero communication skills in the body of a forty-two-year old. literally infuriating. they need at least five years of therapy twice a week before they get a waiver to date anyone.

this show is proof that all the conversations ive had this year about how everyone these days seems so fucking scared to move on from relationships that are NOT working and they're clinging to that shit for dear life out of convenience/habit when it's fucking clear as fucking day that they would at the very least be better off alone are accurate. ive had the same conversation at least a dozen times in the past few months. literally was having it with my therapist like two weeks ago and she was like "the majority of my friends and half of my clients are in one of those". y'all...LET SHIT GO. i don't care if you've been in it for two years or twenty years. if it's not actively making you better cut that chord. walk away. i promise you it feels better than being stuck lol. coasting is not where it's at. you deserve 110% every day.

[boyfwarts]

I wish you knew how much i miss you. I miss your texts daily always wondering what i’m doing, seeing if i’m okay. The first few days without you felt like hell. There was an aching sensation filling my body, You had made your final decision yet I wanted to believe you would come back. The desperation in every text and call I sent you only got worse with each day. I thought I knew everything about you. I was wrong. I truly knew nothing about you. I wonder how you felt when you read the endless amounts of poems I left you. I wonder if you even saw them at all. You knew me, You knew all of me, my body, my thoughts, feelings, family, my past, my memories, every. single. thing.

I miss you. Every relationship I have feels like it’s not real. I can’t believe that anyone other than you would love me. You ruined me yet taught me so much about life. My heart aches for you. I am a stupid girl who can’t handle being alone with her feelings, her thoughts.

How do you manage to leave someone who opened her entirety to you? I showed you everything. You saw everything. You saw me at my most vulnerable moments and kissed and praised me for it. You said I was so good. Why did you leave me? Do you remember what it was like for me to meet your parents? They were so welcoming and sweet to me, I felt like I was apart of the family. When you met me for the first time you just kept saying that I was perfect. I couldn’t believe such a silly thing but it made me feel so good.

Remember when we had our first intimate moment? How stupid I was to trust you with everything. The feeling of your bare body against mine, the heat radiating off of both of us, making something beautiful. Your voice was like silk against my ears. Your fingers caressing every inch of my body.

How do you forget?

How do you just move on?

When I found out you had a new partner, My entire life crumbled into pieces. My mind was in a state of shock and I went insane. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep anything in and went to attack him. I’m sorry for damaging your view on me even more.

Ive been grieving for 2 years now. For two. Whole. Years. My friends were so happy that you had left me until they saw the toll it had on me. I stopped caring for myself long ago because I saw no point in anything if you weren’t there with me. I tried to end my life on February 15th, 2023. I remember my mother yelling at me to clean myself up and calling the police on me. I just wanted some relief from everything that had happened. I was sent to the hospital and stayed there until ??????. The entire time I was there I just kept wondering, “Do you even care?” “Do you miss me?” “Why?”. I will never receive the closure I so desperately needed. When I was finally sent home I felt so alone. I tried so desperately to keep everything together and just learn how to live on my own.

By the time I knew it, I had already lost half my memory. I couldn’t remember a thing about you and I started to question if you were even really real, If I had just hallucinated it all. The truth is, It was real. It was all real and I had to just accept it. I struggled for so long.

Grieving over someone who is still alive is torture.

Eventually I learned that everything was okay. I would be fine as long as I kept going to therapy and continued to socialize with people. The therapy helped a lot but I still feel lost. For a while, I completely forgot about you and my life significantly improved. The only downside was that I was abusing substances and rotting in bed. But, It was better than how I was before.

There are still times where I think of you (such as now). But it’s not constant. I know by thinking of you it’s only hurting me more, it’s just you’ve impacted me so much it’s quite impossible not to.

After everything, I’m not sure i’m the same person anymore. I don’t remember who i am or what i’m supposed to be doing. My entire life has been a nightmare and I can’t seem to wake up. I hope it gets better. As much as my life improved I still feel like I am missing something. The void cannot be filled and I’m afraid it never will be. One day I will be free.

I hope that day comes soon.

I hope i am able to love again.

I hope you never come into my life again.

I miss you

[girl-bateman]

Im so sick and tired of it honestly. any time I express a single negative emotion my entire family gets like scared of me?? So scared they refuse to talk to me, my mom leaves notes instead of talking to me and my sister stays away entierly bc she's too afraid. It is just so devastating and i dont know what to do anymore. Im always told to not hold in my emotions and to work through it and bla bla but I can't even get irritated witouth making my sister cry. I can't have regular emotions witouth being the bad guy, scaring the ones I love and hurting anyone who gets close. Worst part is that I can't even really talk about it witouth sounding like the most massive cunt on the planet. Like yeah, obviously I am the problem, I am the one who can't express myself in a normal way, and obviously if I scare people IM NOT the fucking victim. I'm feeling bad for myself bc I'm not entitled to the feelings regular humans get to have, but while I'm feeling bad for myself I'm scaring off the people who might have actually cared for me if I wasn't so??? Wrong. I know it's melodramatic but I really am just wrong. I can't be angry or sad or even mildly irritated witouth making everyone around me uncomfortable and scared. The way I am a human is by definition wrong and I'm so sick of it. And I've tried to not be selfish, I've tried holding it in, I've tried working on it, but something fundamental inside of me will always always be wrong. I've literally been in therapy for more than half of my life, I've worked so so so hard and it's still not enough. Even when I think Ive done well, when ive managed not to lash out and explode it still isnt enough. Even when i do my absolute best, even when i think im doing better, even when im proud of myself it isnt enough. And im starting to think that there is no end to all, that no matter how hard i try i will always be wrong, that even if i get better i wont ever be good. no matter how much someone cares about me, no matter how many times they say they love me or show me that they're there for me, I'll always find a way to scare them off because they'll always find a way to convince my brain they never actually cared in the first place. Living like this is hell on earth and its endless cycle just feels so hopeless sometimes. I'm just so tired of having to try and try and try and try, and at the end of it all wondering who it was all for and it if was worth it at all

[misqnon]

hi. march. slowly shortening this introduction to my posts. sorry if this is a little incoherent i woke up in the middle of the night and im getting sleepy again

i tried looking up fanfiction involving hannyabul and magellan the other day and there was almost none??? i really thought theyd be .. at least a little popular ... the dynamics... arent the dynamics similar to zosan or cavendish and bartolomeo.. dont people like that.. (i wouldnt know since ive never really been a fan of the enemies/rivals to lovers trope)

im pretty sure kidd wears a beast pirate disguise? and like .. good for him... (good for me).. hes got the titties out. i love men. i also rly enjoy the few frobin moments we get when theyre in disguise, theyre super cute!! it seems like u havent been spoiled on the Biggest Moments in wano so im very very glad to hear that. it also kind of has a mystery aspect so i think its probably way more enjoyable to go in blind. there IS a special kind of anticipation when u know what's coming but.. imo its more fun to guess how things will go rather than know and be excited about it

honestly i didnt care for the setting either. in the anime tho .. big mom's introduction is so good. theres a song that plays (its in the manga too but it's way better to hear it rather than... read lyrics) and when i started wci i was still watching the anime, so i got to listen to the song. it was stuck in my head for days. very catchy. i love how theatrical it is and it really made me excited for the arc .. and then i ended up barely enjoying it LOL. also i do actually love pudding but her age also makes me go... ewww. oda made an awful decision making her 16 . gives me kyros flashbacks.. although sanji doesnt seem to be genuinely interested in her. but still like why did oda do that... why... what is the point ... wci does pick back up a bit imo after they get sanji back (which i think is the part ur at? or a little bit after?) and i honestly think it wraps up quite nicely. and yeah.. most importantly.. katakuri is introduced in the second half. lovely guy. i heart him

robin's va did that in. one take??? that is Insane?? she genuinely channeled robin in that moment wtf

i will definitely talk abt opla if/when i watch it. even if zoro doesnt have his goofiness at least i can thirst over him. am i into mackenyu? no.. zoro? yeahs........ also i can definitely see how jacob being too hot is an issue for usopp LOL. some people just.. ooze confidence.. and are too smooth. i think ill probably enjoy his characterization anyways tho cuz i adore usopp

i cant draw women for the life of me but transfem sanji is haunting my brain and.. she made me attempt .. attempt to draw a lady. its her. shes the lady.

YOU THOUGHT OF ME??? im so flattered U have no idea aikfjshdjd. law.. i.. hes a little fucked up.. human art pieces . actually as someone who's done a bit of sculpture (but not abstract art. and it was ceramics) i can appreciate it. if he didnt use real living people in his art i would definitely appreciate it more.. but i imagine seeing a severed head on a sculpture and then they start talking to u.. i imagine that would be a Little.. scary... just a little . i think he should go to therapy probably. ur mental illness is showing law .

i think its semi canon?? theres a moment in the anime (idk if its in the manga or not) where bepo gives law.. puppy dog? eyes? but like .. polar bear version. and law is clearly weak to that. also he calls chopper a tanuki even after being asked not to bc chopper has a cute reaction (he gets mad). so i think he IS weak to cute animals. he is very similar to robin like that... they would definitely bond over choppers cuteness. and they both have weird taste.. in cute animals. its not bunnies or idk. dogs or cats. robin likes pathetic animals (the dragon that had to carry them all up to zou) and law likes . bepo. a 7 foot tall polar bear man.

THATS SUCH A STRANGE COINCIDENCE. this is my first time moving since ive lived in the same place my whole life .. so its kinda exciting and also kinda scary.

OH so u can send images but it just cant be on anon. im.. one day... one day for sure.. (soon). i grew up on twitter tho .. yeah. and before that it was youtube. i have been on the internet since the beginning of time (since i was in single digits. like 5 maybe idk, but i do remember being able to make my own youtube account at 7, and i had been using my brothers before that). my dark past. since ive been on the internet so long i just accept that theres probably a load of my personal information out there for anyone to see. and also a bunch of embarrassing things I've said from years ago. sometimes i come across a youtube comment from when i was like 9 and its always a bit shocking LOL

I HEARD WHAT HAPPENED WITH SESSHOMARU. when i found out .... it .. it .. i.... i dont have words. its so upsetting 😭. actually ive kind of been trying to get into vocaloid bc i recently (like 2 years ago) found out i had been listening to it.. and i didnt know. i didnt realize it was vocaloid

LOL, i say IT COUNTS. i dont draw in my mind cuz i have slight aphantasia. i imagine drawing in ur head is way more relaxing than actually drawing... cuz like... the struggle of anatomy.. proportions.. lighting.. colors.. yeah art is so hard.

there havent been any sbs's recently i dont think?? like they stopped at some point during wano and .. idk what happened. i miss it .. i want to ask about the giant snails that pull germa's ship... well i want someone else to ask about it really . not me. but yeah i have a lot of questions and i just hope it comes back soon 😔. maybe im just missing them somehow but i have checked multiple places. but for some reason i dont see anyone mention it.

RIGHT?? RIGHT???? dont worry the colorism stays /s. they have characters in the latest episodes that are dark skinned and they made only the girl lighter skinned. oda didnt do that. oda made them all the same in the manga. its infuriating.

an issue i have post timeskip is that i actually cannot tell the women apart half the time. they all look pretty similar in the manga, although theyre distinguishable by their clothes and hair. but there was a spread (not colored) that had the main one piece women all in different clothes and with different hair and i sat there for multiple minutes trying to figure out who was who. like i genuinely couldnt tell. i miss nami's short hair,, it had so much character.. and i also miss robins short hair.. again.. it had so much character.

even on a colored cover i had a moment where i was like "is that vivi or is it nami" because it was just a solid blue. i assumed vivi based off context clues and bc.. blue. but if i hadnt had that.. i dont think i wouldve been able to tell. i have no problem with character design changing but oda makes most of the women next to indistinguishable from one another now. its really upsetting. if they had different skin tones or even just. different eye shapes. or different figures. it wouldnt be that much of an issue. but nooo he cant do that. all women who are supposed to be attractive have to look the same.

YEAH ive seen that video!!! u show up a lot on my feed but most of the time its just... the same few posts... which is kind of funny. I ALSO LOVED THE NEWKAMA!! like wow!!! queer representation??? i feel a kinship with these characters?? bon clay literally made impel down for me. my favorite boygirl girlboy. i adore u bon clay.. i adore u.

im a big fan of fukaboshi so i think anytime he was on screen my enjoyment was elevated. also zoro fighting hody(is that who it was) underwater was so cool . like how are u better than a fishman in water??? and the moments with noah... it felt like it was setting up some rly big things and i always love stuff like that. LOL YEAH sanji was even grosser on return to sabaody. i think its just not talked about as much because it wasnt a long arc and he wasnt on screen for a lot of it

oh they for sure have some good points. i also miss the silly shenanigans of pre timeskip. but overall im enjoying post timeskip more, and i do think theyre at least a LITTLE BIT blinded by nostalgia. its hard not to be tbh. i do really miss seeing all the crew together. i dont exactly mind them splitting up but .. i feel like a lot of them end up kind of sidelined. we dont get to see (just some examples) brook or chopper or nami fight much and i. i love them.. i love them just as much as the rest of the crew. i think nami has a really interesting fighting style. and brook is just fun. and people complain (validly) that chopper has been mascotified. which i wouldnt mind so much if he got more cool moments but he doesnt!! we dont even get to see him being a doctor that often :(.

like the writing is still fantastic but yeah. i agree. oda has basically run the jokes that were already pretty tired. into the ground. sanji being the one who suffers most from it. i dont mind robin having more moments where she imagines a really gruesome thing has happened to someone, for example. because she barely did that pre timeskip, and now she only does it occasionally so its not like "oh my god STOP". its still enjoyable. but. idk if theres even a prominent example of someone's character joke being awful other than sanji. like hes the only one who has a consistently awful joke. that in my opinion has never been funny. and its been made into a huge part of his character. i still love post timeskip to death bc. look at everything thats happening!! but i have a lot . lot . lot of gripes with it.

fellow impel down and dressrosa lover 🫡. i do rly like water 7 but . i dont know why but i never enjoyed enies lobby all that much. i think thats probably super controversial LOL. oops.

oh friend... u have no idea..... i have SO many one piece thoughts ... i have paragraphs upon paragraphs of one piece thoughts... the hyperfixation is actively killing me /j

wait let me. find . some.. i send them all in my private (as in its just me and my irl best friend) discord server so its not only in chronological order from when i sent the messages but its also extremely disorganized.. hmm a lot of these are/involve huge spoilers LOL

wait. how do u feel about sanji with heterochromia. one eye is blue and the other is brown . u get the best of both worlds... i felt like i was smart for this but ur the resident sanji lover. u have the say (in my mind) of what is best for him,,,

i saw someone say usopp would get conquerers haki and i big time disagree. he has the best observation haki in the crew and i feel like him getting conquerers haki would kinda cheapen that. and it cheapens his growth. why does he need to have conquerers haki to be a brave warrior of the sea? hes doing perfectly well without it. and also i dont think it fits his character. hes cowardly, has no self confidence, runs away from battles sometimes out of fear, and definitely has a huge sense of shame. from what i know, people with conquerers haki are usually super self assured, strong in a pretty traditional sense, and dont have much self doubt. usopp is like the opposite of that. i think hes very brave because he fights despite how scared he is, but the character archetype just doesn't work imo. like usopp without those characteristics is. to me. not usopp. tell me what u think!! also im like 90% sure none of this is spoilery but if it is i am so so sorry

obviously i havent seen the live action yet but live action shanks looks too hot to me.. like hes too conventionally attractive. i want him to be.. a rat man.. greasy .. but extremely charming.. and hes NOT!! hes just regular hot!??

do all places in one piece just have extra chairs or tables that are bigger? cuz there are some characters that arent of the giant race but are huge. and yet they fit on regular chairs. do u have a 8 foot tall guy walk into ur bar and u have to say "wait a second, we need to get out the big chairs" and then drag out a chair twice ur size? is that the case EVERYWHERE? or do some places not have big chairs so if ur extremely large u just have to sit in a chair thats too small for u.. or maybe u just sit on the floor. or stand.

that scene in sabaody of usopp asking rayleigh if the one piece is real, and luffy gets mad and tells usopp that he doesnt want to know, and if he finds out he will quit right now because he wont go on an adventure that isnt any fun. luffy is such a chill, silly captain, that im sure him snapping like that must be scary. usopp looked so shocked. i love their relationship. i think moments like that. really solidify how real the characters feel. like yeah, they have strong, defined morals. and they will argue and be childish and yell for the sake of their morals. i feel like a lot of media has characters with morals but it doesn't ever show them actually disagreeing with someone. let alone a friend. idk im not wording this great but i think this moment is so good. i love the moments of childishness in one piece. its very humanizing to have immaturity in ur characters

ok thats what ill leave u with for now :)

IM GLAD THAT MADE U LAUGH!! i felt really called out by constantly seeing it bc.. yeahm.. admittedly .. cannibalism is sexy sometimes.. i recently admit this to myself...

"i think he should go to therapy probably. ur mental illness is showing law ."

i think he should go to therapy probably. ur mental illness is showing march .

*nods* march 🫡

i dont think i’ve ever actually met someone who doesn’t like enemies to lovers before?? ik its popular bc its one of my favs and im happy about that bc im always nosedeep in the content SFNKJDN. valid tho. i cant speak bc ive written two 50K+ zosan fanfics and will probably write more 🧍I’LL USE THOSE SKILLS TO WRITE HANYAGELLAN FOR YOU. HAHA JK …UNLESS

so ive only met kidd once or twice right. i met him in sabaody pre-timeskip when the worst generation got introduced and he’s had a couple small moments since then. but i just feel and know in my heart that i would be a kidd girlie. red haired angry anime men are one of those specific niches i’m like YEAAA YEAAA [CHEERING] and people are always talking about his tits in the one piece server i’m in so. DFJNVIDJ HELL YEAH IM READY FOR THAT

and frobin…hell yea…theyre so cute…my weirdo couple…

actually!! im reading the manga on tcbscans and there’s a comment section under every chapter that i like to read bc its cool seeing ppl’s reactions (as i’ve said) and in big mom’s intro chapter someone was like “if ur manga only look up her song rn its actually so good” so i did and YEA. ITS SO FUN?? AND THEATRICAL?? AND I LOVE THE MELODY?? like ok big mom go off

yea i already knew pudding was 16 bc i was all up in sanji’s business and reading about wci when i joined the fandom but I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT KYROS AND I WAS SO MAD WHEN THAT REVEAL HAPPENED!??!!? I WAS LIKE DAMN ODA HAS DONE THIS SHIT LIKE 3 TIMES NOW?? for the third one i count shirahoshi. even though she didnt have a love interest it was nasty for him to make a character so obviously meant to be so beautiful and sought-after and sexualized and then make her a teenager. plus vander decken . existed.

OOH YEA THEY JUST GOT SANJI BACK AND THEY’RE TALKING WITH BEGE ABOUT AN ALLIANCE RN. I PLAN TO READ MORE TONIGHT SO WE WILL SEE 👁️

“am i into mackenyu? no.. zoro? yeahs........” this is so real

U DREW TRANSFEM SANJI?? HAH?? HELLO?? HELLO MAY I SEE??

i have an art degree and tbh i support law and his human sculptures wholeheartedly. its very dada of him imo. but abstract art seems more up his alley. regardless i know some of my professors would have been like “live human sculpture…wow…that is so Art” very marina abromavic of him as well. but um yeah he should still go to therapy tho. yea

robin and law 🤝 “cool and collected” characters thinking fucked up weird animals are cute

i’ve moved like 9 times in my life this is just another day in the life [eyebags the size of dinner plates]

(looks at the other ask in my inbox) oh yeah…very soon

omg. i started getting on the internet in single digits but to like. get on mylittlepony.com and play facebook games. i started being more “ONLINE” around probably 10 or 11 though and i made my tumblr account when i was 12 💀 i, too, sometimes see something old i posted and just go Oh God 

and i DEF had/have too much personal info online bc of that but i’ve tried to cut it down lately in the interest of ~ internet safety ~ . i dont use my first name online as much (hence going by mont in addition to the. trans-ness) and i took all my selfies off my blog. but who knows what else i put up and have forgotten about

RUMOKI TAKAHASHI I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU ‼️‼️ RUINING BEGRUDGING FATHER/ ADOPTED DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS FOREVER (jk i still love it but now im always just scared of. betrayal)

I LOVE VOCALOID!! i’ve been into vocaloid basically since i started being online (although i dont keep up with a lot of CURRENT vocaloid news so im like an old man who didnt keep up with the times. i love the original crypton 6 (miku, rin, len, meiko, kaito, luka) + gumi and gakupo but until a couple years ago i was like “What The Fuck is a Fukase” jbfvhjdn

i’ve caught up to date a little bit and still consider myself currently a vocaloid fan but yea im like a genwunner of vocaloid but just bc im lazy not bc im pretentious djsnkj

i actually saw kikuo (my fav vocaloid producer) in concert in january!! my first and only vocaloid concert…(but only bc he happened to be touring with bo en. no miku hologram for me)

ur like the third person ive met with aphantasia! and. yea its much easier in my head </3 why did i major in that shit </3 

WAIT REALLY?? THEY DONT DO SBS ANYMORE?? I LOVE SBS :( I ALSO HAVE SOME ONGOING QUESTIONS I WANT ANSWERED!! (that i want someone else to ask kjvfnkfn) i looked it up and didnt see much at a cursory glance aside from the fact that sbs happens every volume instead of chapter (?) who knows but i hope they didnt stop completely…

toei feel my wrath re: the racism. oda also feel my wrath re: the sexism. and the racism (why do you use the same skin color for everyone in the colorspreads…oda PLEASE) and the worst part about the nami clone thing is that we know he can draw women differently. have u seen how he drew young big mom. she was so hot. and yet he chooses NOT TO!!

FKJNKDLS WHY AM I WHATS NEW PUSSYCATTING ON YOUR FEED. WITH THE CANNIBALISM POST TOO. I POST SO MUCH GOOD CONTENT TUMBLR WTH </3 (LYING)

YEA I WAS ACTUALLY SURPRISED HOW WELL DONE THE IMPEL DOWN REPRESENTATION FELT?? THAT WHEN WE GOT TO KAMABAKKA I WAS LIKE why did we go…backwards…but they cant take the impel down newkama land away from me. that scene where iva makes a speech about gender and does a little performance made me feel so seen on screen even if oda meant for it to be tokenism or something. i think he thinks we (gay ppl) are cool but doesnt quite get it. like he saw gay ppl and went “this would work with my silly art style so well. transgenderism is a thrilling character trait” and then did not attempt to understand much after that KDCKJS

FUKABOSHI MY BELOVED actually all 3 of the fishman princes…when they cheered up shirahoshi during the scene where their mom was murdered i actually cried as they danced and sang through their own tears. like wtF. AND YEA ZORO ALMOST DROWNED SO MANY TIMES THAT ARC BUT HE WAS STILL COOL AND HOT 😔 the noah was also a cool concept!! you see the noah’s arc thing come up a lot in anime for some reason?? like my d gray man loving ass was like huh…okay two nickels…

ur so right about the sidelining (its like anyone that isnt the east blue 5) and especially about chopper. aside from being mascotified i wish he wasnt baby-fied too (which stems from the mascot problem). like…he’s 17. chopper is a full ass teenager, not a child. I GET that he’s a reindeer and also very naive but imagine how cool he could have been post timeskip…horn point chopper is my fav bc i just love the design but IMAGINE IF HE LOOKED LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME!!

and he could have so much more development in terms of constantly seeing his crewmates near death and always having to fix it…or just him improving as a doctor! i dont think we get to see chopper doctor enough but we also dont get to see him struggle! (m really just over here advocating for more depression and more hardship for chopper im so sorry king)

a lot of the running jokes i can still get behind (zoro getting lost will never not be funny to me idk how it hasnt gotten old but it hasnt okay) maybe bc its so harmless?? robin’s gruesome joke i agree, its not overdone so i still like it. mean nami slapstick i’ve never liked but can get a chuckle out of me every once in a while. brook panty joke L 👎brook skull jokes would be funny but they’re always too easy 👎 and yea sanji is the worst victim. i found it somewhat funny/endearing pre thriller bark when it was mostly harmless swooning and heart eyes but nowadays uhhh [beating him to death with hammers] 

u know what i see ur point on enies lobby. for water 7 it had great new characters and an AWESOME bright and beautiful water city setting but enies lobbies is. just a bunch of white government buildings on an island. the high point is definitely just robin’s moment. and kaku saying “I LOVE GIRAFFES. GIRAFFES ARE AWESOME” 

one piece brainrot is ruining me i have MUCH IDEA !!

OKAY LISTEN . I HAVE HEARD BOTH ROBIN HETEROCHROMIA AND SANJI HETEROCHROMIA AND LIKE. I DONT THINK EITHER ARE / COULD BE CANON BUT. robin heterochromia is so fun. and sanji heterochromia although for some reason i dont feel like it fits him HAS POTENTIAL bc imagine when he comes back post timeskip with his bangs covering the other eye now and the crew is like “🤨 wait i thought you had blue eyes?” ugh i need it. ive seen a LITTLE art and like 1 fic of heterochromia sanji and its very entertaining for sure i always eat it up even tho i dont necessarily headcanon it. i am so glad i have authority on this in ur mind btw. [clanging my sanji gavel] order in the court

i agree about usopp and conqueror’s haki! like damn we already got two of them with it dont we…although i saw someone on youtube somewhere suggest he could have “conquerer’s observation” ?? idk enough about haki to understand that but it sounds cool 👍 its not spoilery so dw! although that yt comment made me think like “if there’s multiple types of conqueror’s haki it it like..all based on one guy? one original conqueror ?? and who was it…” who knows…i mean i know zoro has conqueror’s haki bc of spoils but idk how or when that happens (wano, i assume. idk how i feel about that yet bc much as i love the green guy sometimes i feel like he’s favored a bit for the op stuff) and you made some really solid points about usopp’s character too!! part of me was like “damn sanji the only monster trio member not to have conqueror’s haki…” but he could not have it for. several of the same reasons u listed for usopp lmao AND THATS OK!! THOSE THINGS ARE REASONS I LIKE THEM BOTH 

“live action shanks is too hot” ok then explain this

you know what. that is. a good question. why do they get so big btw. like humans come in all sizes but why. is it to do with the gravity of the planet cause its so huge and got so many moons…thats how i explain half of the unrealistic things in this show lmao. maybe they just stand. its more Intimidating™. sorry villains dont get to sit (although that makes me think about that time doffy was just sitting on the table in the middle of the warlord meeting?? did u see that post?? its a screenshot like why did they let him on the table like that. evil cat behavior from local bird man)

THATS A GOOD SCENE TO POINT OUT. YEA YEA YEA YUOU GET IT. i loooove the serious luffy moments. ive said it a million times but luffy is intelligence 5 wisdom 20. luffy is actually very selfish but in a way that i dont hate…he just wants to be free. and free others. and he lives so in the moment. he’s so different from so many people that he’s very fascinating as a character to watch, esp bc he DOES have moments like u mentioned that make him feel real and have boundaries. u know its funny bc luffy is like the most open accepting character that its hilarious how many times ive seen something oda has written/done and been like “luffy would never do this. the character u made up and continue to write would be more accepting than this.” like luffy is totally chill with women, doesnt see them as lesser, never even hints at this like even zoro does, luffy’s super chill about bon clay and the newkama, luffy doesnt discriminate based on characters’ races etc etc etc. and yet oda DOEs do all this its like. oda u have to see if bc u MAKE it so why cant U BE MORE LIKE THE GUY YOU MADE UP FDJVKND. i think the only moment i can think of that even vaguely implies luffy knows what a gender role is is when he’s in amazon lily and they put him in a frilly shirt and he’s like “i dont wanna wear this. this isnt my style at all” but its all about his OWN preferences and not about anyone else’s. u get me??

“cannibalism is sexy sometimes” u get it. u get it. u understand. we are kindred spirits rn. join me

and the end KJFNDKJEN ITS OKAY MARCH LET’S GO TO THERAPY TOGETHER 

to end off here are some of my one piece headcanons (some of which probably will never be canon and im okay with that)

first off sanji is a repressed bisexual and u can tear this from my cold dead hands. post kamabakka he’s gnc too he just wont admit it bc hes a scared little baby bitch. ik it was anime only but that scene were he’s fighting in a dress and caroline keeps telling him to accept himself or some shit as a flower slowly blooms metaphorically in the in-between footage was transgender as hell. also that time someone sent a message to oda in sbs saying like “i’m so glad sanji is girl crazy and not boy crazy” an oda responded “uh, totally” …like is the translation just coming off sarcastic or am i reaching-

i think zoro is gay. he just gives me that vibe ok. 2nd choice he is aroace and luffy is like his qpp or somethin ok (i dont ship zolu but i can admit those bitches got a point bc MAN they really love each other. i like it much better as friendship tho) and on that note luffy is aroace too.

nami is a lesbian. im aware all 3 of these are the popular fandom hcs but idc. this one i have actual evidence for have u seen how she latches onto every woman in each arc. she’s just as bad as sanji she’s just more chill about it /hj

FRANKY IS STRAIGHT BUT HE’S A REALLY LOUD ALLY OKAY . HE’S JUST A COOL DUDE

contrary to fandom hc i think robin and usopp are probably straight. robin would make a very dignified lesbian or bisexual but i think she’s just a weirdgirl straight who’s being a supportive ally with franky. 

brook is probably straight but i think he was also simultaneously in love with yorki a little bit and doesnt talk about it bc yorki is gone now so its not like its gonna happen ever again. soul king “im straight but i had a boyfriend one time” brook

chopper is a reindeer

god what else do i have aside form sexuality headcanons. OH !! this isnt a headcanon but i have a running theory that many of the strawhats are based on classic characters from fiction/pop culture…i keep meaning to make a post about this but im busy

zoro is inspired by zorro. okay easy next

chopper is inspired by rudolph, obviously

usopp is inspired by pinocchio but I DONT SEE THIS ONE MENTIONED AS OFTEN: CYRANO DE BERGERAC!! down to the lying and the long nose and the crush on the rich girl out of his league!!

robin is inspired by matilda in my mind. weirdgirl with mind powers abused by her caregivers and obsessed with books…like okay oda just tell us u read roald dahl

i know sanji was inspired in looks by mr. pink in reservoir dogs but i havent seen that movie so i cant speak on anything else LMAO

i feel like its possible the others were inspired by more that i just am not aware of / might be japanese pop culture and therefore harder for western fans to spot…thoughts?

[annikuh]

bruh my partner said he was worried about me because I’m obsessed with cl*ne h*gh and topher because “obsessions are unhealthy” and he’s acting like this is so bizarre for me & i almost laughed in his face. i was like bruh do you KNOW me???? im literally John UnhealthyObsession.

[[strange vent below, I just need to overshare here bc I have far too much to talk abt in therapy tomorrow and not enough time for all of it & this is so stupid that i literally refuse to waste time on it. this a no-judgement zone, if u judge me, ur ableist and I’m dispatching assassins to ur home]]

man’s talking abt “unhealthy obsession” meanwhile:

i got so obsessed with charles manson & squeaky fromme that they became my entire personality. i dyed my hair red for like four years bc of squeaky. i got a tattoo for squeaky. ive read a disturbing amount of books about both of them. I own handwritten letters from both of them. i can think of two separate occasions when I almost ruined a holiday and started swinging on a family member bc they were talking inaccurate shit about these two.

same goes for the several other similar figures I’m obsessed with. I have an entire WALL of memorabilia from/of them, costing truly hundreds of dollars (this is cool to me but apparently highly disturbing to everyone else). I have a copy of Jeffrey Dahmer’s fucking psych reports. I have a fucking piece of fabric used to make the shrouds the heavens gate cult members put over themselves. I’ve written 10+ page papers about some of these mfs. I turn into a feral animal when any of them are brought up, ready with too much knowledge and a desire to fact-check and rant and soapbox. I literally became so obsessed with all of these people i got a degree about it.

when i was 17 i became so obsessed with this one boy that i would sit at my desk for hours writing about him, just straight up filling pages and pages of a journal about him over and over again (this was actually TRUE mental illness i literally reread the pages later on and cried bc it was so sad and scary how out of my mind I was LOL😬). i bought a similar jacket to one he had so i could pretend it was his (this is actually my iconic army jacket; reclaimed). i literally did nothing but think and talk about him for probably at least a year and a half (& I STILL freak a little on the odd occasion that i see him, just on reflex).

I AM LITERALLY SO OBSESSED WITH MY PARTNER TOO HELLO? I talk about him so much and post so many pictures of him that he doesn’t even have to introduce himself to people bc they already know him from me. I live my entire life based around him in ways far too numerous to list and he knows it.

& there is SO much more. so it’s just a little bit funny that he’s worried that i like CH and topher too much bc i talk and think about it all the time; & bc i like to wear the gay little red hat from my topher costume (bc it’s “unhealthy to cosplay as a character all the time” meanwhile im constantly walking around with the riddler symbol on my army jacket and my clear glasses and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it; girl that’s almost full cosplay). compared to some of the aforementioned things above, im living quite the normal life.

like boy clearly you do not understand the depths of my obsession. i have been crazy for many years. your concerns about this issue here are exaggerated and misplaced. all of what im doing now is 100x healthier than anything else i have done or could be doing, especially given the strange mental state I’ve been in. he needs to thank his lucky stars, imo.

“unhealthy” sir this is highly abnormal at worst, let me cook‼️

[videostak]

i hate that i spent like idk the whole past year of 2023 sorta slowly healing myself piece by piece and also just slowly making little progress getting a job driving learning to be content w/ what happened and then when i see them again just feeling so out of place and just ashamed to exist like :/ like was rly made to feel like i was a genuinely worthless person who didnt even deserve the time of day in that friendship while also being given like constant fake reassurance abt actually bieng a close friend of theirs anytime id like try to confront them abt the way i had been treated and then to just get ghosted after a 3 yeear freindship sooo shitty and tht sucks obv but what makes it worse is that i kno she like def did it because she knew no one cared abt me so no one would give a fuck if i even did bring up her shitty behavior like lol. so weird being idk inducteed into a friend group of ppl who def think ur ugly n a loser but are too fake to say so to ur face and just act alarmingly fake to u. like i rly wonder how they rationalize it in all their heads like its one thing to be treated shittily and fake by one person but a whole group of them u'd think one of them would pull me aside or msg me being like hey we kinda dont like u but insteaed they were fake and not even like putting up w/ me fake but like overtly kind and positive in a way i totally suspected w/ some of the more overtly rude ones lol. liiike i rly do wonder how they rationalize it i guess kinda just being like oh well he was ugly and had no taste of fashion so he deserved it lol like its so idk. like scary cause they all had a faux positivtiy progressiveness to them and theered be times where id be like oh thats kinda red flaggy when theyd drop lil hints at awful behavior but id always brush it aside as smthn they were genuinely working on to remove and to better themselves (anytime id call them out for their behavior theyd avoid accountability by saying they were going to therapy for it and overall blame it on bad mental health which put me in a rly rly fucked situation not wanting to be a person who stops being friends w/ someone cause of mental health issues so i would just always 100% take her word for it even tho she'd treat her actual friends one hundred times better than she did me lol) like so many angles of it being fucked i wish i could just call them out or that one of their friends or any1 they knew would reach out to me saying they were also treated similarly but like the fucked reality is probably that not a single one of their friends gave a shit abt me since day one and could care less abt the way i was treated. like just so insane on so many levels cause it was like so quickly escalated into a close friendship and shed constantly bring up collaborating artistically n musically and would liteerally even come over sometimes just so we could work on music she wrote lol and then like go silent after i contributed something i guess she thouhgt was good lol and would invite me to TONS of shit then would go silent when id actually take her up on her offer and aks for like specifics of where the place she invited me was n stuff. like liteereally invited to dj sets n to go w/ her to record stuff in a studio and stuff like just so insanaaaane who even says that like if u genuinely dont give af abt some1 why constantly drip feed them random shit to them unprompted. just sooo fucked like no half assed apology message after it all or anything just like the moment i was out of her life she moved on just like that while i was still confused abt whatt the hell was even going on. have no idea how to avoid friendships like these but everytime i geet into one it just makes me feel so isolated from like every1 else in the world. i guess this could stop once i get a job with ppl i get along w/ who are my age or once i start taking college classes again. but just so insane i feel like only 1 or 2 of the friendships ive had have been actually normal positive effects on my life every other one is some rly awful person who acts crazy overly nice

[lololollywrites]

American Healthcare and MS... I need to rant. 😭

I’m sorry, I need to rant. I’ll delete this tomorrow I’m sure. I just... I can’t stand American healthcare. My little sister (she’s 32, but she’s one year younger than me, so she’ll always be my little sister) was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) nine weeks ago after unknowingly living with it for FIVE YEARS and being misdiagnosed. With anxiety, POTS, you name it. Because when you’re a woman who presents as young and healthy and visit male doctors - even as a registered nurse - you’re overlooked, and even an MRI (done 3 YEARS AGO) gets shoved to the side and not looked at. Her husband is looking into a lawsuit, but that’s beside the point. The doctor knew she needed a cane to walk on occasion and thought that was NORMAL. It’s disgusting.

Anyway. So she finally has this diagnosis, right? It’s been terrifying, but there’s also relief that comes with finally knowing what’s wrong after so much time. MS is not the early death sentence it once was; there are now treatments, and celebrities like Selma Blair and Christina Applegate are bringing much-needed visibility. She is a nurse who works three 12-hour shifts per week as well as a mother of two (a 3-year-old and a 7-year-old). Her husband works opposite shifts in RadTech. 

She was hospitalized and eventually diagnosed when she had her worst attack so far - past simply needing to use the cane. She suddenly (temporarily, thank god) lost vision in her right eye and the ability to walk. She was in the hospital for more than a week. An MRI showed the classic brain lesions that signify MS, but the infusion drugs needed to treat and repair the nerves (I’m sorry, it’s something related to myelin but I am not an expert) need to be approved by insurance. She was granted temporary disability by her job - 8 weeks - and it was anticipated that treatment would allow her to work by that point. The hospital doesn’t have that drug; she eventually needs to go to an infusion center, pending insurance approval. In the meantime, IV steroids and physical therapy are the treatment.

MS comes in “attacks” - there are good periods and bad periods. My sister did recover from this bad period, but then went right back to her chaotic life as a mom for the next 8 weeks on disability waiting for her insurance to approve treatment. MS is progressive, remember, so as she’s waiting for paperwork to go through (stacks and stacks of it that keep getting sent back with requests for more information to be added) more, perhaps irreversible, lesions can form on her brain. Meanwhile, my youngest niece has been extra-clingy after missing her mom for over a week - demanding to always be held - and my sister is doing chores and straining herself physically. Her husband is wonderful and supportive, but it’s all just a lot.

This got long, so...

A work friend of hers set up a GoFundMe that raised over $6,500 for their family during this time, since she couldn’t work and might not be able to for the foreseeable future - they just bought a house, and are now worried about losing it - but she was also eagerly anticipating treatment. And waiting. And waiting. She finally had to shift insurance to her husband’s job, because her temporary disability ran out, which FORCED HER TO GO BACK TO WORK BEFORE SHE EVER RECEIVED TREATMENT. She barely got through her first shift, and needed her cane during her second, which she was reprimanded for. Their exact words were “We cannot accommodate that.” I can understand in some sense, and so can she - nursing requires physical fitness, as an emergency might arise - but they also demanded she be present knowing her diagnosis and medical situation. MS also causes brain fog, making other aspects of her job challenging as well.

Her job essentially denied her further disability and then said they’d train her for a secretarial job, WHICH CUT HER HOURLY PAY IN HALF. Friends of hers had worked that job when they’d been temporarily injured (a broken wrist, for example) and not had their pay cut at all. This seemed like a way to “soft fire” my sister. Remember: She still has received NO TREATMENT. NONE. And now she has to worry about not having an income. 

Best (worst) of all? Her husband’s work insurance still hasn’t come through because some people have been “out of the office” who process the papers, and now “oh sorry, there’s a long weekend coming up!” Meanwhile, my sister is back in the hospital with another MS attack, applying for state disability, facing needing to hire a home care nurse (which should be covered by insurance once it comes through), being told to use a walker more often so as not to strain her body, losing a career she loves, and **another lesion has formed since last time**. BECAUSE SHE HAS RECEIVED NO TREATMENT WHILE WAITING FOR INSURANCE TO COME THROUGH. They literally **will not treat my sister** until she has the right paperwork and she’s just allowed to suffer and get worse in the meantime. I am so, so livid but just trying to hold it together for her.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. MS stories of hope? Because right now it all just seems so scary and it’s hard to see past my anger and sadness. If you have any horror stories about MS, please... I am so sorry if that was your experience, but I cannot handle hearing them. I’ve been too scared to research it because it’ll further terrify me. And yes, I’ve lived overseas (in four other countries), which is why I think I’m so aware of just how shit our healthcare is. I wish I could just take her somewhere else sometimes. 😭

[raksh-writes]

<beware, self reflection post incoming>

So. This year has been a tough one.

Feels like it has been tougher than all of those before, ngl, but it's hard to tell how much of it is skeved memory and how much just how strong those feelings are today. But it has been an awful year -- the first half was kind of alright, but the second? Yeah, everything went downhill there.

I slid into one of the worst depression holes ever. I quit my job two months ago, because it has been contributing strongly to that, but remained unemployed and stressed out of my mind because of that and feeling completely listless since. Unmoored. With no purpose whatsoever. It's... not a good place to be. On top of that, I got real sick with covid this week and barely started feeling somewhat better today. Guess it's a suficiently shitty end to an awful year, huh? What hurts, too, is the heart breaking writer's block I got in that second half of the year too.

I wrote barely anything this year, posted even less. Got very disconnected from that part of myself that carried me through the rough times of the previous years -- and maybe that's why it feels worse than ever now, when I had at least that joy back then but it feels like it's been taken from me. It's... rough.

I've always been in the middle of something before too. Always going back to classes, to uni, got a job last year, but now? Well...

I did start taking steps to crawl back to life. Trying to at least. Baby steps.

So, I wanna make a list of those baby steps. The ones Ive already started taking, the ones Im gonna soon, the ones I wanna try to make. Make a path out of them, maybe. So:

Im back to therapy, that's good. Working through new and old stuff, it's definitely helping, but... there's a lot more to work through than I imagined. It's okay, though. I can already tell some of it helped, it's been a good helping hand in digging myself out of this hole - or at least starting to dig myself out.

Im also starting an internship at the job office on monday (hopefully most of my symptoms are gonna be gone by then 🤞). It's a 6 months one, not as well paid as a full job, of course, but it's experience, it's a start, and I can always search for smth different in the meantime. And it's stability a dearly need.

I want to go back to studying too. I found I miss it a lot, having that goal, broadening my mind, etc. I wanna sign for some post-diploma library studies classes in the city where I intern, near where I live. It might not open up, but if it doesn’t, I think I'll try going back for actual Masters. It's something Im actually sort of looking forward too, even if it makes me a lil' anxious.

Been idly thinking about maybe going back to the city. Trying to live on my own again. Study, find a job to pay for it. Might not be quite possible, though, with prices of pretty much everything going up to 3x what they were and still going up. It's an idea for the later part of the year, though, if Id actually try going for it.

Maybe the most obvious one -- I want to write again. And post, too. I miss interacting with readers. Seeing that someone Gets it. That it brings people joy. I miss it a lot. These last months, even if I managed to write a little, I didn't even had the drive to post. No drive for anything, really. Feels like death to a creative soul 😔 So I want to write. And I want to share it. Im still thinking of my Beauty and the Beast Voiles AU -- I have a couple chapters of it done, maybe I could start posting and see where it goes, even if I dont manage to finish it? Then I got obsessed with VegasPete, an amazing ship I recommend to all that like Voiles or just enemies to lovers! I even managed to write some lil bits of them, some I Could post even, but I can’t get myself to... maybe it's a goal for the near future. To break through that block and engage with new fandom beyond just reading and commenting, but trying to contribute some of my own. It's scary, but it might do me good? It'd be nice..

I want to try and do more typesetting this year too, and properly, since Ive been thinking I could maybe do it part time in the future, do a project here and there, but for that I'd have to polish up my skills. Maybe do some smaller projects, that wont take me months to finish like the fics I did lately.

Have my eyes peeled for opportunities and have the courage to reach for them. I want to do library studies and Id love to work in a library one day, but its hard to get into one, so I gotta have my eyes open for any possibility. Or working in a book store, Id love that too. Anything with books, tbh. So, be on the look out. And work on having the courage to reach for it and battling down my anxiety.

Go out and meet with friends I haven't seen in a long time. I think Ive isolated myself a bit too much this year and it definitely hasn’t helped. So I need to try more to get out of the easy, lazy way and go out to meet people.

And that's it, for now, I think. Goals for the new year? Maybe, but being in the place I am, baby steps feel better. Im sure Im not the only one that had an awful year and if you're reading this, feeling the same, I see you. Can’t promise it's gonna get better, but we gotta have hope and try taking those baby steps towards making it better. So, Im not gonna go into elaborate wishes, Im just gonna be simple.

I wish you all good health, because it's so important and yet we don’t appreciate it enough, and also wish all of us courage, especially those struggling. To reach for what we want. To reach for what we fear. To get out of our comfort zones, one baby step at a time. To put ourselves out there. To win over our anxieties. To live.

Im slowly, very slowly, trying to take those baby steps. To crawl back to life. It's hard. And slow. But I hope it's gonna be worth it. It's gotta be better than the misery of last months. So, that's what I hope for in the next year. Taking the baby steps to a better future.

Happy New Year, everyone, and I hope y'all have a lovely last day of 2022 💗

[redactedlily]

*sigh*

today has been a bit of a bumpy one. not like super bumpy, but like sorta bumpy.

i had therapy today, and i really like my therapist, she's nice and all, but i'm not the biggest fan of the way our sessions go. i'm used to coming in and just kind of talking with my last therapist, but she starts us off with this "mindfulness meditation" video (not my thing) and she has me do these little assignments and tasks? which i can see working for someone else, but it kinda feels like a chore to me. plus, i was on a spiel about some issues and concerns im having about my new job and (now i dont think she realized) but she kinda cut me off and had me write out something about gender identity. i realize that sounds unrelated but lemme kinda detail it better

i was listing some issues i was having at work (for context its a daycare and my first job at one, im not good at it yet but im trying) and i was in a bit about how all my coworkers come from very different lives than i do, and sometimes it feels like a hurdle (im 19, alt, trans, etc. and most of my coworkers are middle-aged cis women like moms and also kinda intimidating and stand-offish)

i was saying that since they all seem to come from similar backgrounds and have more in common, while my life and experiences dont quite match if that makes sense. i feel like an outsider kind of. anyways, i was talking about how im worried how they perceive me as trans-ish. i usually describe myself as trans-ish because of the fact i chose to use genderqueer to identify, but i present more-so as trans mtf, if that makes sense.

she stopped me to have me take 10 minutes to write out a thing about my identity in detail so she could kind of get a better idea i think? it also could have been for my sake, but i know whats going on already, for several years actually, so i really dont need it written down for my sake?

anyways, i did that and then she asked me to keep a journal over the next week about how i feel around others thru this kinda trans-ish lens (when i go out and about to the store, a resturant, etc.). i understand where she is coming from but i dont think i need that. its not really something im that concerned about in my day to day, its mainly just applicable to my job right now

plus after that we ended the session only a half an hour in? like we started at 2, and we ended at 2:30. i thought i was getting a full hour? huh? plus i didn't get to talk about the other stuff i wanted to cover, like my social problems im having and like 3 other things i cant remember as i type this (but i knew it then i swear)

anyways that was a whole thing. i have another session next week same time. im gonna maybe see if i cant get the sessions to run the way i want? part of me wants to just cancel and find someone else cause im afraid to say anything negative, but part of me is like "well im paying you to listen to me, so A-lets do what i want, and B-ill be taking my full hour, or at least until 50-55 minutes"

i talked to my mom a bit about it before she left (she went to hang with her friend) and she said i should bring it up to her next time. this also brings me to my next bit, which is mainly centric on my behavior in general

im generally unhappy with my personality and behavior to be honest. it would take me like 12 pages to explain in paragraphs, so imma use a bulleted list, except with dashes, cause dashes are cooler

-i wish i was more timid and introverted rather that my more boisterous and ambiverted self

-i worry im not considerate of other peoples feelings as much as i should be

-i worry i go on the defensive too much

-i worry i take/ask for more than i give/offer

-i worry im not pulling my weight enough

-i dont feel i try hard enough to succeed in almost any aspect

-i think ive become less patient and quicker to anger in recent years

-i worry im not mature/ready/in a good enough state to work in child care

-i spend way too much time pointlessly scrolling on youtube or tiktok, but its hard to stop because i get bad fomo about current meme trends (cringe)

-i dont think i really see the big picture as often as i should

-i feel i have too many negative behaviors that need correcting and i just dont realize it

thats just a start i think. lately i just feel so swamped. ive been broke for way too long, and thats causing me issues like nobodys business. i really have been craving a fresh start for so so long and it feels like everytime i think its just within my grasp it gets yanked away. some new obstacle or setback comes up and suddenly its all over.

like the other day, my brakes failed and i got into an accident (no one was hurt, virtually no damage) because there was air in the brake line. now im gonna have to pay to get the lines drained and refilled, plus get the leak fixed that caused it, plus replace a fucked up tire that i just noticed, and fix the wheel bearing thats been fucking with my ABS for like 8 months. so i either need to save up money for that or let my grandparents pay for it (and then try and pay them back if they'll even let me)

really, honestly, i want to take my truck, pack it up with some essentials, and just, start driving. pick a direction and keep going. but i cant even do that cause my truck is out of commission until god knows when, and like a million other obstacles on top of that.

it really just feels like, once everything starts looking up, i get kicked in the balls

[areallybadwriter]

11/2

ew it’s november! i feel like i should probably try to write once a month (maybe more if it’s other stuff like reviews or connection tings) but i obviously cannot stay on an organized track to save my life. 

school has been good and somewhat put on a back burner (don't blame me its my last semester!) but ive been trying to contribute more brain power to my classes and really work my ass off. we’ll see if that continues. i think in a way i am less inspired to jump into things and really saturate within my classes because im only in three and thus my brain is not busy enough for it to thrive. i really enjoy my classes, especially the one in which i watch & analyze horror films for the whole semester. which speaking of, when did ghostface become kinda hot? i realize there’s a resurgence of this attraction through tiktok (I feel embarrassed that these videos show up on my “fyp”) but we had to watch it for class the other day and i was like wait...holy shit i get it. i don't personally know why i understand, but im guessing its probably some deep seated issues from the past. get help people. grow up.

im also actually excited and passionate about my last couple of projects in relief printmaking because i think im leaning more into my style and what i like to create. maybe ill include a scan of one of my pieces at the end of this post. we get to do an experimental project for our last piece where we can literally choose anything we want if we propose it and explain why so i think that i’m picking up a ton of underwear (bras, sleepwear, panties, maybe a binder?) and printing images of weaponry on them. i like to explore a lot of gendered issues, especially women’s issues because i obviously relate to it more so i want to take the idea of weaponized genitalia literally and explore the politics and feelings behind that. i definitely want to touch on transness as well (you can't really talk about weaponized genitals and not talk about trans people) but i don't want to offend or talk about issues that i have no stake in. i might ask Ren for help and see what they think. 

Ren is my step-sibling (previously Lauren) who is exploring their gender identity and figuring out what they like, who they are. i try to offer support from where i am (about an hour and a half from home) because my parents are definitely less than understanding and don't respect what Ren is going through. last i heard, they want to start hormone therapy - they’re already using a binder and leaning towards male presentation - but my parents are unwilling. i have to admit that i was at first not fully with it too, but i think i knew myself pretty well (at least who i was) when i was their age. i don't think they’ll be able to try hormones until 18 at least, especially because their biological mother is even less behind it than my mom and step-dad. 

Wyoming and i have since jumped back into our friendship, which went on break in January after his girlfriend of the time expressed concerns about our relationship (which is fair). after they separated in august, we came into contact again and have since been very close. our relationship always puts me on edge a little because of its origins and its importance in my life but im trying to appreciate it for what it is. like it feels weird to even talk about it (out loud to people or online) because i feel as if i need to preserve it and not talking about it will do that. we’ve always known but recently we’ve admitted feelings we’ve had since we were sixteen and it feels good to make that concrete. there's a certain promise in the way we talk about things and how we feel about each other so im excited for that to happen eventually. we’re away from each other right now but after we relieve ourselves from all obligations (school, leases, work, etc.) we want to get together one way or another. i think ill go visit him next year when im graduated and make enough money to take a little trip by myself. nothing has ever been that certain with him but i feel like we owe it to ourselves to try it out before we get too old and involved in other things, other people. 

speaking of kind of, im thinking about getting a certificate in ESL (english as a second language) so that i could potentially teach English abroad for a stipend (and a work visa!). i think it would be a really great way to complete my travel wishes in a responsible manner and if i end up really loving it, i have a work visa that can better allow me to stay longer and experience everything! i would prefer a european or european adjacent city because i think it would be an easier adjustment for me (as ive only travelled to south america). my mom’s coworker also mentioned that her daughter attends grad school in germany for free and has sent me the information and it seems too good to be true but what an amazing experience that would be. i would be really terrified to go about it alone so i would welcome another person into that world easily (wyoming or ollo seem to be up for the challenge) but ultimately i will push myself and go at it alone if i have to. but either way im really, really excited. 

today after class i think im going to rid myself of a lot of old clothing and possessions to make way for a cleaner and less chaotic environment (although thats my essence in a way). recently ive been investing in more valuable and meaningful pieces of clothing (a nice way of saying ive been truly terrible with my money lately) that i think will stay in my wardrobe for a looooong time instead of the whole cycling thing. and i finally got mason soksi tights which im absolutely thrilled about. i know that i definitely need to work on my money and budgeting skills (especially with the upcoming loom of debt and student loans) but we will worry about that next time. 

the friends sector in my life is pretty swell right now surprisingly, which is very different from how it was going a couple months ago. my bestie who committed some atrocities over the summer that caused a break for a few months is still my roommate and no longer considered a threat. we have been hanging out and talking more frequently and we even got dinner together last night. we haven't brought the situation up to each other and i don't know if its needed. i have since forgotten (forgiven) most of it and don't hold any animosity towards him and there's a certain weight off my shoulders/cloud around my relationships gone after becoming besties again. i think the only thing that has truly changed is my desires for the future, as we were supposed to move to chicago together with our other roommate but i don't know what i want anymore with all of the other factors and my desires. 

until next time.

xoxo anonymous 

[lunaticsandidiots]

long time coming

read on ao3  | gif cred @katanas5gfoamsword

synopsis: you find out about vigilante and it’s the final straw for something that was a long time coming.

pairing: adrian chase/gender neutral reader

word count: 1.7k

warnings: smut, heavy angst, hurt no comfort, unhealthy relationships, break up, unhappy ending, explicit sexual content, explicit language, mentions of depression, mentions of violence

a/n: my deepest apologies for the following heartbreak. forreal this is the saddest thing ive ever written lmao, its lowkey a vent piece im not gonna lie to yall rn. anon requested some ‘therapy inducing angst’ so i said bet. i promise the next vigilante instalment will super duper fun

“They just kept me working late, babe, that’s all.”

It was an innocuous enough statement. At the time, you were proud of Adrian for finally knuckling down and working hard at something, even if it was just as a bus boy at Fennel Fields. You’d never known him to be the most reliable or logical, but that was the way he was, and you’d loved him regardless. Adrian’s nonsensical approach to life used to keep things fresh, constantly keeping you on your toes and ensuring your romance never saw a dull day. 

In a strange way, you had grown used to his chaos. Hence why his first half a dozen unexplained absences were forgiven by you without question. You knew him too well. You knew that poking and prodding to pry an answer from him wouldn’t help you in the slightest. And you’d known him long enough that you trusted him. If someone came up to you in the street at that time, they wouldn’t be able to finish uttering the question, ‘would you trust him with your life?’ before your head started nodding assuredly.

How you wished now to be that person on the other end. To warn that spellbound, ignorant you from the past. To take them by the shoulders and shake some sense into them, to admonish them not to ignore the warning signs.

Adrian’s lack of accountability was only the harbinger of the heartbreak to come. A subconscious theme of indifference began to wash over every interaction the two of you shared, so subtle and undetectable that you weren’t able to find an explanation for those nights alone you cried yourself to sleep, or why your motivation and self esteem seemed to be in some sort of never-ending freefall. You can still vividly recall the last date the two of you ever went on. 

Adrian took you to the same restaurant, where you both ordered the same meal. Afterwards, he took you to the same arcade, to play the same game, just to get the same score. He laughed that same, goofy, taunting laugh, picking you up and spinning you around the same way he always did to lighten the mood. After taking the two of you home on the same route, he hummed the same tune he always did as you stood in the same spots, brushing your teeth. 

Everything was the same as it always was. The only difference, the only factor that set this night apart from all those other identical nights was the all consuming feeling of solitude. The realisation hit you like a tonne of bricks. The once abstract, indescribable feeling of paradoxical loneliness was now perfectly clear to you. If you had called out for him, Adrian would have rushed into the bedroom and been mere inches away from you in a matter of seconds. But you realised that even if you did that, even if you were to close the gap and press your lips against him, even if you knotted your hands in his hair and held him that close to you for the rest of your lives, he’d still feel a million miles away. No amount of physical proximity could make up for the light-years of emotional distance you had both been unknowingly fostering the entire time. 

You were sat up in bed, your eyes starting to burn from how long they’d been harshly focussed on the bedroom wall in front of you when his voice shook you out of your daze. You wanted nothing more than to disclose your newfound realisation. To illustrate how isolated and confused you felt, to show him how detached the two of you had become. But you had no words. You had no idea how to rekindle the two strangers you had become. At that point, you didn’t even know if it was worth it anymore. To this day, you still don’t know if he ever noticed your anguish that night, or whether he did and just resolved to pretend he didn’t. Maybe he was going through the exact same thing in his own head; a prospect that brought an excruciating amount of pain with it.

Even more painfully, you can also still vividly recall the last fuck. The contrast of the glaringly obvious emptiness and your crippling sense of grief felt like it was stabbing you in the gut and twisting the knife with every one of his thrusts. You hid your gasps of sorrow behind every one of his grunts. Adrian knew you like he knew the back of his hand. His tongue knew the exact pattern and his fingers knew the exact angle to coax a blinding orgasm out of you. The tears welled in eyes as you felt yourself cum around his cock buried deep inside you, and they finally broke the seal, streaming down your face as you felt him pull out just in time, as he always did, to coat your stomach with his seed as he muttered empty praises into the crook of your neck with a laugh. Despite the absolute codependency, despite the complete and absolute knowledge of what made the other tick, it wasn’t enough to bridge the gap. You were strangers.

You remember when you found the mask. That stupid, god awful green mask with the obnoxious, red-tinted visor glaring back at you as you clutched it in your shaking hands. You recognised it from the news. All those pictures, all those stories of what the masked ‘vigilante’ had done. All the blood spilled and lives lost by his hand. All the constant danger he was in. All the constant danger he put you in. And he’d told you nothing of it. You couldn’t pinpoint how long he’d been fostering this second, secret life for, though you could recall news stories spanning at least a few months back. 

You realised you’d been doing this too; in your own, very pedestrian and pathetic feeling way. Adrian had no idea how much you’d been suffering. He had no clue of all the god awful thoughts you’d been thinking, all the shame-filled pity parties, the bland, colourless existence you’d been living. That was the one thing you could never bring yourself to put on him, not entirely. Adrian stopped opening up you, and you did the same. You shut each other out. 

You wondered if maybe your subconscious knew about his secret identity all along and this was its nonsensical, destructive way of protecting itself. Maybe it was your subconscious’ idea of some sordid, cataclysmic revenge plan, to get back at him for incubating this newer, cooler identity for himself in the shadows, waiting for it to hatch so he could climb on, leave you behind and never look back.

You tried to talk to Adrian one last time. To give it one more shot. You’d poured your entire being, your heart and soul into the relationship, and thought until at least a few months ago that he’d done the same. You wanted nothing more than for that to be enough to keep the fire going, even if it meant just blowing on a few, dull embers to keep them alive for a little longer. You can remember the moment he got home that night. His face was relaxed; it was neutral. Happy. Through your nervous haze, you could see his brown eyes crinkle into a smile. Through the ringing in your ears, you could hear his nasally voice chirping something to the tune of ‘How was your day babe?’. You couldn’t do it anymore.

Your feet carried you into your bedroom, you couldn’t hear the sliding of drawers or clinking of coat-hangers as you hastily shoved your most important belongings into a suitcase.

“Babe, what the fuck are you doing? What is happening right now?” he asked, arms outstretched in confusion. You could taste your tears as you swallowed them back, feeling them run down your throat.

“I know about Vigilante.” you replied curtly. A jolt of adrenaline coursed through your veins as you spoke your mind for the first time in months, compelling you to harshly sweep your arm across your nightstand, carelessly knocking all of it’s freight into the suitcase. You heard an exasperated sigh escape his lungs and tried to zip up your bag loudly enough to mask his poignant expression of frustration. When you turned to look at him, your heart broke into a million pieces. He looked angry. Perturbed. But behind the frustration, you could see the concern. His thick brows peaked in the centre of his forehead as he cautiously approached you, the same way one approaches a timid, stray cat.

“I have to leave, Adrian. Before this kills me.” you explained. You didn’t have the energy to explain in any more detail. Not then. You’d decided, for your own wellbeing, that in that moment, the only thing left for you to do was go. It only further broke your heart to realise that he had no idea what you really meant.

“Baby, I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’ll always keep you safe, you know that. You know me” he appeased, stepping closer with arms wide open, silently begging you to drop your bags and step into his embrace. Instead, you took a step back.

“I’m not worried about anyone else hurting me. It’s Vigilante.”

Adrian stepped closer, bowing his head to earnestly look you in the eye as he gently rested his hands on your arms that still held your bag firmly.

“It’s me, baby. I’m Vigilante. You don’t have any reason to be scared of me. You don’t have any reason to be scared of Vigilante. I promise I’ll always keep you far away from all that,” Adrian explained, shaking his head and chuckling in an attempt to lighten the mood, “I mean, you’ve never even seen me with the mask on.”

You sighed, shrugging his hands off your shoulders. Your eyes betrayed you and took a moment to revel in the face before you. His beautiful face. The face you knew so well you could shut your eyes and picture every last detail of it, down to the freckle. The face you thought you’d get to look at every day for the rest of your life. The face that once filled your heart to the brim with love, and painfully, filled it with love no longer. Your eyes flitted briefly towards the front door, and your keys dangling from the lock, then back to his face for the last time.

“And that’s exactly why I have to go.”

[just-a-bookish-reader]

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly - Autistic Representation

Autism - “A serious developmental disorder that impairs the ability to communicate and interact. Autism spectrum disorder impacts the nervous system.The range and severity of symptoms can vary widely. Common symptoms include difficulty with communication, difficulty with social interactions, obsessive interests, and repetitive behaviors. Early recognition, as well as behavioral, educational, and family therapies may reduce symptoms and support development and learning.” - Mayo Clinic

I don’t usually, nor do I plan on beginning any educational posts in the future - this is simply (hopefully) a one time thing. Though I highly highly doubt it will be. But this I absolutely need to discuss. I feel that I am qualified to do so as well as I’ve been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (specifically Asperger’s Syndrome when the DSM IV was still around) since I was 6 or 7 years old. So I have lived just about one and a half decades with it. Well at least with it diagnosed. Truly I’ve lived with it for all 20 years and 11 months of my life. 

In this post I plan on discussing mainly books, but also referencing to movies and tv shows as I deem necessary. I will also give suggestions of excellent books with autistic representation at the end of this post bolding, and italicizing the ones written by autistic authors. 

Now, without further ado, let’s jump right on in. 

The Ugly

We are starting with the worst of the worst - not so I can upset people over their faves but so that you can anticipate the best at the end of this post. I am going to stick to one major example for each category until the last one. As far as “The Ugly,” I am going to be referencing The Maid by Nita Prose. 

While it is never officially stated that she is autistic, there is enough insinuation that the lack of a label is almost offensive. If you are going to write a current day, “realistic,” murder mystery thriller, then you should be labeling your characters. And don’t do that “oh I don’t want to put them in a box.” Sometimes people have to be. If I hadn’t been labeled I wouldn’t have gotten the accommodations I needed in High School or College. That being said, there are some aspects here that seem accurate. The desire for a routine life, reading too far into certain conversations, missing out on social cues. I can certainly be glad they didn’t pull the counting toothpicks or burning down houses stereotypes. Outside of that, it just felt wrong. I can’t put a finger on it, and I reiterate that in the review. I think many of my complaints are similar to others, but the neurodivergency nearly felt fictional and I almost wished she’d at least watched the ABC Freeform tv show Stitchers, because while the condition Kirstin has isn’t autism, there certain gaping similarities that are discussed in the show (there’s an episode where she “stitches” into an autistic man’s brain and figures out how he died in 4 seconds because his brain was so similar to hers), that it has been my favorite show for a very long time. 

The Bad

Mind you, this example I DNFd rather quickly - as I had learned my lesson with other books. The Gilded Wolves by Roshani Chokshi. I went into this book extremely excited after hearing it featured not only a Jewish main character (I am half jewish myself) but that character was also autistic. When I got to her introduction I have never seen so many stereotypes and contradictions in one page. She is mentioned to basically be an arsonist, and love numbers. She is said to only like the “pale bland sugar cookies” and doesn’t know how to ask for more other than standing right behind Laila with an empty tray. But she was smart enough and socially adjusted enough to attend university until her arson. How on earth does that make sense? It felt like they were trying to infantilize the condition, which... feels not great. There are many autistic people out there who can love flavorful foods, love colors, and know how to cook or ask for more. Those same people may not feel comfortable at university, be scared of fires or be terribly at math and love words instead. Autistic people are extremely variable, and while I didn’t finish the book, there was clearly a reason as to why. 

The Good

Finally! The good! About damn time. Well, this is a slightly amusing story if you can believe it. So the same morning I finally decided to shelve The Gilded Wolves, I picked up Seraphina by Rachel Hartman. It was at the top of my physical TBR cart as it is a book that I am borrowing from my mom, so I need to finish it soon so I don’t forget to give it back, so I just leaned over and started it. Not only was the immediate prose gorgeous, but soon I discovered that the dragons are absolutely based on autistic people. In this case, it not being a specific label is understandable (same as above) because it is extremely high fantasy. Omran is described as loving difficult mathematics instead of just numbers and hating itchy clothing and is shown to miss social cues, such as greeting before launching into conversation. In one of the memories that Seraphina gets to see of her mother, she discovers that her mother was obsessed with her music, and seemed to know quite know how to word the feeling of deep love.  Not enjoying metaphor, but not elaborating exactly why. Yes she does still compare kissing Seraphina’s father to equations but its only one thing she compares it to - she still compares it to “seen the numbers behind the moon and stars, behind mountains and history, art and death and yearning, as if my comprehension is large enough that it can encompass universes from the beginning to the end of time.” (p. 91)

Even if it is not the author’s intention to make the dragons an entire species of autistic people, I’d prefer an accident like that to the aforementioned purposeful attempts at neurodivergent characters. 

More (will be updated as I discover more)

Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson