#im literally counting down the days until may 30th

[cherishsscene]

I’m literally barely keeping afloat with all of the stuff school keeps piling onto me. The only drugs I’m consuming to keep me sane are called Heaven Official’s Blessing, Banana Fish, Sk8 the Infinity, and Beastars

[aria-ashryver]

🌟...aaaaand it's over, no more chemo!🌟

(at least I very much hope so 🤞)

And Caesar, well...

How are you feeling, Aria? When are you getting new scans? Should the side effects go away soon? If they schedule a surgery, when will it happen?

(Also, this is how I picture you getting ready to hear the results of said scans)

♥️🎉🫂🥂

HELLO sweet lovely!!

Thoughts under the cut bc I'm getting a little bleak and edgy for a sec here lmao, but out here, lemme just say:

FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH I DID THAT!!!! 🙌✨🎉💪

I meet with my oncologist next week, so I won't know much more until then (he'll hopefully be telling me I can make an appointment with the surgery team to talk surgery plans!!), but whatever the news is, bring it on. I've got this.

y'know, these last 3 months have really felt like...

but you know what? I'm still here. Still standing. Still got my foot on Caesar's throat.

These past couple days I've been... ugh. I want to keep matching the celebratory energy, I really do. But I am standing on a bloodied battlefield, gasping for air, my darling.

Shortly before noon, May 30th, 2023, I was told my cancer was metastatic.

Advanced.

Secondary.

Stage 4.

Incurable.

I've been carrying that knowledge for a few months now. About 114,000 minutes, actually. And I've been cutting down the intrusive thoughts that whole time. The terror. The doubt. The sheer, stark loneliness that is existing in a body with something insidious that's trying to kill you. I cannot tell you how truly claustrophobic cancer is.

I've won this battle, yes. I made it through my chemotherapy. But I'm going to be sword in hand for the rest of my life. I don't get to rest. And you know what? That's okay. In a lot of ways, I've been fighting for years.

The irony isn't lost on me that I fought tooth and nail to claw my way through depression and suicidal ideation, and now that I finally, wholeheartedly want to live, I get handed a death sentence. One I can beat back, yes (see: bloodied battlefield, foot on Caesar's throat, et cetera), but one that I'll have to continue fighting forever.

I'll be honest, I have more flavours of trauma than a goddamn ice cream parlour, I was wholeheartedly fucked up even before the cancer diagnosis lmao. But NOTHING has broken me yet.

The world has been trying to kill me for decades and I haven't let it.

Caesar is just one more enemy to laugh at.

This battlefield may be bloodied and barren, but it is mine.

I may be standing on a field of broken bones and corpses, but I am standing.

So, here's to the next fight. I'm ready 🖤

also, just as a random parting thought, I was having a massive cry yesterday (again 114,000 minutes!! of being forced to confront my own mortality, and this was only Breakdown #5 (yes, I'm counting), so like... I think I'm doing real good haha). Anyway, I stumbled on a YT short that was so bleakly hilarious to me in the context of having cancer that I laughed so hard it snapped me right the fuck out of it and i stopped being sad and resumed being awesome

the tl;dr is hell yeah chemo is over (hopefully), and I am literally unkillable and feeling very cool and rad about it 💅

also now I want a sword.

oh my god i totally need to buy myself a sword when they declare my body cancer free don't i?

...oh my god im gonna do it

kitty you genius

[chappedandfadedvds]

Oct 30th, Friday 17:45

Time never had passed as slowly, it felt like. Okay that obviously was an exaggeration, but it didn’t feel any less true at the moment, that Jens watched the digital clock of the reciever change from 44 to 45.

„So just Lucas is missing now, right?“ Zoë asked into the group as they finisched up, pushing all the furniture out of the way. The floor was scattered with pillows and blankets arranged in some sorry excuses of four circles. Sprinkled in between them, pens, paper and bowls full of all kind of sweets and crisps. The actual food was waiting in the kitchen for them, ready to be stacked on big plates. Plus the bottles of alcohol cooling in the fridge.

„Seems like it. Amber, did he text you yet?“ Yasmina said, looking over to the blond, who just had helped Aaron carry out the couch table into Milan’s room. 

„I can check again, but the last thing I got, was his message after school to tell me, he’d swing by his house and bring some beer later.“ She replied, taking out the phone from her cardigan’s pocket. She didn’t had to search though, as just in that moment the door bell rang.

„I’m gonna get it.“ Jens proclaimend, already on his feet and leaving the living room, checking the flat’s hallway, it seemed, he was on his own. Good, because before he went straight to open the door, he glanced at himself in the mirror, trying to get the last strands of his hair into a position he thought looked alright on him. Taking a deep breath, he put his right hand on the door handle and turned the knob. He was greeted with Lucas’s smiling, puffing air, a woolen hat pulled down to almost his brows. His cheeks held a faint red, that Jens found endearing.

„Hi.“

„Hi.“ Jens reprocrated just as awkward as they stood in the door way staring at each other. The déjà vu of their instagram chat hit him instantly. Not that it made this situation any better.

„You look good, should I have come dressed up?“ Jens was as always confused, when Lucas said anything that sounded remotely flirtatious. He wasn’t sure how to handle the dutch boy. This was so far out of his comfort zone. Usually it was on him to be the active part and take the first step with girls.

„I am literally wearing a hoodie and jeans, dude.“

„Doesn’t mean you don’t look great in it.“ Lucas doubled down on it. Shit, was he blushing? Shit, were they both blushing?

„Is that Lucas, or what?“ Zoë shouted from the living room, and it dawned on Jens, that he should have let the boy step into the flat.

„Fuck, sorry, eh, come in.“ Jens stepped aside a little, to make room for the missing guest to enter.

„I would be just as fine leaving again, if you came with me. I know this really nice bus stop half an hour away, that has an awfully similar name to this one here. It’s great, stunning even. It has a supermarket close by, and lot’s of houses and...”, he paused contemplating, “...that’s really it, I’m afraid. But I fortunately went to the wrong stop, so I may show you my detour as your own personal guide.“

If Jens already wouldn’t be afraid that he was about to fall for this boy, it certainly was settled now, as he had trouble taking his eyes of the smirking lips in front of him. He was so close to grab his jacket and close the damn door behind them on their way out.

„Jens?“ It echoed through the staircase, as now Milan made sure that the whole house must have heard his name.

„Yes, we are coming, let that poor guy arrive in peace.“ Jens turned his head away briefly and yelled, before looking back at Lucas. 

„Sorry, another time maybe?“ He tried to hide his disappointment. Jens felt like he wasted one of the rare chances of getting somewhere in this.

„Yeah, that’s propably for the best anyway. It is fucking freezing outside. A cosy evening in sounds great actually. And I don’t think the bus stop will wander off on it’s own.“ Lucas said, as if he meant to promise it to Jens. Another time then. For now he helped to take the heavy bag filled with bottles of beer from him, as Lucas took off his jacket, throwing it onto the ton of coats on the hangers.

„Evening!“ He greeted joyfully, as he stepped into the door to the living room, in which everyone by now had settled.

„I am super sorry, guys. I actually took a wrong bus to a wrong bus stop and that cost me at least 40 minutes. Also my phone kinda died on me, could I charge it somewhere?“ He explained his late arrival and handed the phone to Aaron, who had offered to connect it  to a charger by the bookshelf.

„Eh, right, so to everyone who hasn’t met me yet, Im Lucas from the Netherlands. Hi! I’m really happy that I could join you today. Thank you so much for the invitation. Jens took the beer. Not sure if it was the wrong decision to leave him alone with the alcohol though, but now it’s too late.“ There wasn’t really any ice to break between them, but a little joke did seem to be a good choice, considering having 11 people stare straight up at the new boy. Most he already knew from school, but not all of them.

„I like him.“ Milan declared first and got up from his spot, to walk over and pull him into a hug.

„You aren’t gay by any chance?“ He asked confidently, leaning into the dutch boy, who didn’t quite moved away, but certainly looked to do so any second now.

„Milan! Lucas is here for one minute and already probably regrets having come in the first place, let him actually get to know all of us first. Poor Robbe last year and now this guy. Also, underage. Shame on you.“ Jens passed Lucas to blow a kiss on Milan’s cheek and pull him away by his hand. He went to join Sander and Robbe on the other end of the room, not before briefly turning around, to wink at Lucas. In return Jens was greeted with Lucas mouthing back in silence:

Thank you.

To be honest, he just really didn’t like another guy making advances on Lucas. Not that he was actually sure that the dutch boy was really into guys, but he feared he wouldn’t have wanted a girl for Lucas either.

„Well, I’m Senne. And no worries, I’m definitely not gonna make a move on you, though with Milan around you should get used to it. I’m Zoë’s boyfriend by the way.“ He introduced himself first before Zoë next to him went on to take over. „Well the guys from school you are familiar with. And Milan you just met. Eh, the boy next to Robbe is Sander. Robbe’s boyfriend.“

„Oh him, I know. We are in on a two-day-deep conversation about music. Or should I say argument.“ Lucas interrupted while sending a salute over to Sander. Much to everyone’s surprise. Well Robbe seemed to have known, but to Jens that was news. All they had exchanged where two emberrasing ‘hellos’.

„Okay, great, than that just leaves Noor, who sits next to them. Robbe’s ex-girllfriend.“ Zoë added, as if that wasn’t a wierd thing to say, and then gestured him to join Senne and her. „You are on our team.“ She explained and pushed a bowl aside so Lucas had space to fit somewhere. This room was most definitely too small to host 13 people. 

„Welcome, welcome!“ Milan began, standing up and doing a little bow in greeting. The born entertainer, as he then presented the room with a white board, listing all the teams on it, as well as some space to count points.

Robbe, Sander, Jens.

Zoe, Senne, Lucas.

Amber, Aaron, Yasmina

Noor, Moyo, Luca

„So, if you haven’t decided on a team name yet, you have until half past six. Roughly 30 minutes starting now. Til then, you can also grab something to eat and drink from the kitchen. We have four categories to complete, but we will have a break after the second. Buffet open and don’t get too drunk too early, I guess.“

And off the teens went.

They lost that night.

Not that they ever had a chance of winning, with Jens and Robbe being absolutely useless to Sander. Who tried his hardest to make up for it on his own, while the two boys giggled and joked at almost every question they got, not having the slightest clue what to answer. 

They ranked dead last, at a solid 41 out of 100 points.

It took Robbe an outright minute of pecking kisses all over Sander’s face to get his boyfriend back into a better mood. Still Sander sat cross-legged hung up in a deep sulk, yet smirking lightly at their devestating failure written across the white board. Jens didn’t mind their loss at all, as he watched Lucas squeak in his pure childish excitment over the annoucement of his team’s win. 94 points. Zoe, Senne and him jumping up and down in a group hug, celebrating, even though all they had won was a ‘Milan is the best’ coffee mug.

[ijustkindawannabedone]

04/30/20 okay so here’s my plan

i fucked up, i didn’t do anything that i had planned out. so im currently at about 360lbs(🤮) and my 18th birthday is May 29th and it’s April 30th, so ive decided that i want to be under 200lbs before my birthday in about 30 days. I’m not going to eat ANYTHING until May 29th. It’ll be my birthday present to me. 

(I was worried about by body check pictures being considered Child pxrn but i looked into it and i should be 100% fine)

I’m going to bust my fat disgusting ass and lose this weight if it fucking kills me. I WILL be under 200lbs. I’ll be consuming water, daily vitamins(I have a really bad deficency and if i don’t take them my finger nails fall off, i can’t imagine no vitamins and no food doing any good for them) and Pepsi Zero for the caffiene.

I was doing my math wrong(not a big surprise ive always been terrible at math) but my maintenence calories are a little over 3k and it takes about 3.5k to burn one pound so I should be pretty good and even better once i start losing more weight because my maintenence will go down. 

Maybe I should shoot for burning 3.5k a day? there are 1000ck burner workouts that im sure i could probably do a once or twice a day, this way im burning almost 2x what i need to lose one pound in a day. im not gonna tell my parents what my actual goals are, just that im water fasting bc they generally don’t stop me from doing it. My mom wants to go to a koney and get something to eat so im going to eat a salad and that’ll be my last food intake for the day.

I’m currently at 975kcal and ive had no water today, despite the fact that there’s literally a gallon of water next to my bed. I’m gonna go get a salad, and come home and take my dog for a walk and when i drop him back off here i think ill go for my own walk. i should charge my apple watch so it can count my steps but I have small wrists and hands and tend to lose my watch bc it falls off.

for every note that this post gets is 1 crunch ill do before bed.